Tuesday, October 30, 2012

chiefs raiders weekend part uno: somehow, this is the good, with the bad and the ugly still to come ...


“Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice.
And she said, “We are all just prisoners here,
Of our own device".

And in the master’s chambers,
They gather for the feast.
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can’t kill the beast.

Last thing I remember,
I was running for the door.
I had to find a passage back,
To the place I was before.

"Relax", says the night man,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check out anytime you like,
But you can never leave …”

-- "Hotel California" by the Eagles.

-----------------------------------------------------

I’ve had the last weekend in October circled on the proverbial calendar for a while now.

For starters, some fun people and good friends were coming in to spend the weekend, enjoy the game, and have all the fun, frivolity, tomfoolery and hijinks that a human being is allowed to have.  Our annual winery tour of Central Missouri was set for Saturday (recap below, and it didn’t disappoint).  And of course, one of THE two home games I live for, against the hated oakland raiders.  And to the credit of the Chiefs organization, they gave us not the usual three hours to “properly prepare” for a Chiefs game – they doubled the value by swinging the entrace to Gate 6 wide, wide open at 8:38am CT Sunday for a 3:05pm kickoff.

Toss in the fact that for the first time all year, I wasn’t so p*ssed off at someone that I consented to allowing the washer boxes to come off the bus?  Toss that in on top of everything else that was great to boot?  This should have been a weekend to celebrate, to party, to enjoy life, to smile.

Only … for three hours, it wasn’t.

Because Kansas City Chiefs football happened.

And for me?  And again, I can't speak to anyone who intentionally or accidentally reads this, but I can speak for me.

For me?  This is now personal.  There's nothing -- not one godd*mned thing -- this franchise can do to get the stench and taste of this season out of me.  They can fire the GM, fire the coach, hire our eighth offensive coordinator in eight years.  They can clean house at quarterback, they can trade up or down in the draft, sign the best free agents money can buy.  They can hold the line on ticket prices, hold the line on parking costs, they can even give me six plus hours to tailgate before the game (which happened Sunday.  For once, a decision at One Arrowhead Drive I can get behind!)

They can do all of that, and then some, and it won't matter.  Because this is PERSONAL now.  And read up, because I'm only going to type this about 5,500 more times before this recap is over, but I have never meant four words more than I mean the four I just typed.

This is PERSONAL now.  You and me, Chiefs organization?  This is PERSONAL now.  This abject bullsh*t you are attempting to pass off as a NFL team?  Is so insulting, is so demeaning, is so utterly infuriating, that you've managed to do something to my sh*t list I considered impossible: knock someone off the top line.

This is personal now. 

And I'll be damned if I have a clue how this is going to get fixed.  Because how do you fix the problem, when the problem is the one part of the equation, that can’t be replaced?  More on this in about 7 pages, give or take a couple.

So, after our Chiefs became the first NFL team to fail to hold a lead for even a second of regulation time through eight weeks since 1940 – and yes, let that sink in, Chiefs fans: the last time a NFL team was THIS TERRIBLE, the Blitz was winding to its conclusion over the skies of London* – the morning after?  I’ll attempt to recap what all went down, from beginning to end.

I just hope there’s enough vodka in the five county area, to get me through it.

(*: update!  Arrowhead Pride’s crack research staff went back and found the last NFL franchise to not hold a lead in regulation through seven games.  The answer?  Your 1929 Buffalo Bisons … who folded after their ninth game that season, never holding a lead.  (Pause).  So you’re saying this team’s last breath is at Pittsburgh in twelve days?)

* The weekend started off, ironically enough, in the middle of the week.  I had hoped / planned / expected to take both Friday and Monday off.  I submitted the PTO request.  I was called into the boss’ office, and given the deadlines I’m facing for the projects I’m stuck on, was told that I could have one of the two, but not both.  Oh, and “the expectation is, you’ll get a few things done from home”.

Consider this post “getting something done from home”. 

* After that fun news, had a fun night bowling with two people I hope I wind up as the third bowler with, my co-workers and good friends Penny and DeHart.  Hopefully that works out on a full time basis going forward.  For my own sanity, I NEED that to work out.  (cue everyone voice) What sanity?  God, walked RIGHT into that one.  I have a feeling that won’t be the last time.

* I did manage to duck out an hour early on Friday, because I had people to see and things to do.  Namely, I had the Mixology list to put together – old cd’s to load into iTunes, new tracks to download … and go figure, I was still throwing the damned thing together sitting in front of the gates at 8:30am on Sunday morning.

I mention this … because one of the cd’s I loaded, was loaded with tracks from “Stevo’s Most Hated Band Ever”.  There are many things I prefer to listening to the Black Eyed Peas – a colonoscopy, for example.  Ditto having to have my shoulder popped back into its socket*, or watch the Chiefs play – all preferable to listening to even 2/1000ths of a second of a song by the Black Eyed Peas.

(*: still easily THE most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my life.  Here’s a hint: don’t play tackle football when (a) you’ve been drinking, and (b) you’re the smallest dude on the field.  College: what I wouldn’t give to go back!)

* I know the playlist for Sunday still needs to go up … but damn, did I nail it.  I’m not one known to humble brag … ok, ok fine – I AM one known to humble brag … but when four different people come up to compliment “the dude who put the playlist together!”, you did something right.

The best compliment had to come from Paula, who came in with Jeff from Omaha for probably the last game they’ll make this year.  We got off on a solid ten minute argument over what the Rolling Stones’ best effort was (Paula: “Gimme Shelter”, with “Paint It Black” a really close second; Me: “Sympathy for the Devil”, with their most underrated effort, “Mixed Emotions”, a really close second.).  I’m telling you, I do very little right in life.  You can accuse me of a lot of things – most of them negative, pretty much all of them true.  But I can NAIL a playlist for a tailgate.

* Hell, just to show how dialed in I was to the tailgaters in attendance?  In the span of twenty minutes, we went from Clapton’s unplugged version of “Layla” … to Trey Songz and Nicki Minaj’s “Bottoms Up” … to the one song I’ll always find a way to sneak into any playlist, Jim Croce’s “I Got a Name” … to Clapton’s original version of “Layla” … and brought it all home with “Down On The Corner” by CCR, a song everyone knows.  Hell, I gotta sing along for a second … Down on the corner!  Out in the street!  Willie and the poor boys are playing – bring a nickel, tap your feet!

* The other thing I can nail like no other?  (Dusty voice) sketchy women picked up at last call at the Eclipse? (rimshot!)  God, I walked RIGHT into that one.

No, the other thing I can still do right, is jello shots.  I made 106 of them for the trip to Rocheport / Hermann on Saturday, and literally, within 12 minutes of tossing out the first one, we were out of the margarita (with tequila), cherry (with Hot Damn!), and strawberry (with vodka), so many people were digging the things.  And it’s not like I was the only person handing out shots on that bus ride – the dude whose name escapes me, but he and his wife Amy “head up” our bus every year, he was walking down the aisle offering butterscotch, peppermint, and some other schnapps shot, to anyone who wanted one.

* However, from the “yeah, might wanna think this one through a little better next time, Stevo” file … the shots went over so well, that we called Jeff and Paula on the drive down from Omaha to KC, and asked them to pick up some more shot cups and jello, and I promised I’d make another batch of the margarita ones when we got home from the winery tour.  (pause).  Note to self: don’t ever again promise to make jello shots at 1 in the morning.  It usually doesn’t happen.

* Friday night was the pre-game pre-party, since we were gone all day Saturday.  Had a blast with some really fun people.  Some amazing food – the jalapeno poppers were so good, we had to create a second batch early Sunday morning to enjoy at the all-day tailgating extravaganza.

* First thing Saturday morning, it was off to catch the tour buses to go on a winery tour of Central Missouri.  Met up at the Wal-Mart in Blue Springs, with an expected departure time of 8:30.  Thankfully, that was closer to 9, which gave me time to dart across the street for (arguably) my second favorite breakfast I can order*, the sausage and egg on ciabatta sandwich at Panera, with the beyond dark roast coffee to wash it down.  I’m telling you, I could eat that thing every day if I could afford to whiz away $6.92 every morning on breakfast.

Anyways, we take off, and 90 some odd minutes later, we arrive at the Les Bourgeouis Winery in Rocheport.  Below, is the group shot of the five of us on the tour.  Hopefully next year, half the group won’t flake the night before (there were supposed to be 10 going), and anyone who noted interest over the last couple days, can tag along.

(*: my favorite “breakfast” item, BAR NONE, is cheezy hashbrowns.  I am fully aware I am lactose intolerant.  I am fully aware that within 20 minutes of consuming said cheezy hashbrowns, I have a date with the porcelain god and my backside.  I don’t care.  I LOVE cheezy hashbrowns.  Kudos to “The Ex” and … uum … wow, I guess he’s been around long enough, now I gotta figure out a nickname for him, to protect the guilty on this site … this might take a couple minutes.  Anyways, kudos to “The Ex” and her significant other for bringing cheezy hashbrowns to the pre-party Friday.  You’re god d*mned right I plowed through half of the pan … and that I’m still paying for it a few days later.)

* After a couple lovely hours in Rocheport, it was back onto the buses for another 45 minute drive to Hermann.  For the first time, we weren’t greeted when we parked by a well-intentioned member of the police department informing us of the local laws and/or regulations (no open containers), and dropping the never funny “don’t have sex in the port-a-potties, please” joke that wasn’t funny four years ago when I first started doing this tour every year.

* Seriously – who in the hell, and I honestly mean this – who in the hell has ever seen a port-a-potty, had a hot girl with them, and thought “yup, let’s f*ck in this foul smelling thing!”  I mean, really?  I freely admit, I’ve made a few “questionable pickups” in my life … I do like the Eclipse for crying out loud.  But for God’s sake, a port-a-potty?  I have never been so freaking turned on that I swung a port-a-potty door wide open, grabbed my significant other, and hopped on the express to Poundtown in a port-a-potty.  A bathroom stall?  I could do that.  A bathroom sink?  Not a problem.  But a port-a-potty?  In the words of Train: “I’ve been high, and I’ve been low.  I’ve been yes … and I’ve been OH!  HELL!  NO!!!”

* Started off at the Tin Mill Brewery, where I had some ale that was really good.  And I’m not a “beer person”.  You give me a good shiraz, a great syrah, a beyond sh*tty vodka and Sprite?  I’m a happy man.  For me to praise a beer, it probably has the Spoetzl Brewery label on it.  Whatever this thing was, was really good.  (Answer: it’s the Arrowhead, which I started pounding at dinner about four hours later.  This thing was really, really good.)

* After some drunk dancing and music listening, it was off to cross the street to the Hermannhoff winery.  To those who have never had the privilege of going on a winery (or brewery) tour, you know going in that you’re getting at least a few drinks on the house.

Not at Hermannhoff.  Which led to this conversation – and I swear on everything I consider to be holy, this went down as best I am attempting to recap it here.  I literally was crying from laughing so hard by the end, seriously.  FINALLY!  Someone gets “the joke”!  That only took 25 years and 180 miles on a bus to make happen …:

(stevo) really?  A tour without samples?
(poor kid working the counter) I don’t make the rules sir.  Gotta pay (to sample).
(stevo) ok, no big deal.  I’d like a glass of the shiraz please.
(poor kid working the counter) (knowing I’m going to possibly come unhinged at his response)
(poor kid working the counter) Uuh, sir, we don’t sell by the glass.  We only sell by the bottle.
(stevo) (about apoplectic) really?
(poor kid working the counter) yes.  (pause).  Sorry.
(stevo) (when in doubt, go with the classics nobody remembers)
(stevo) No problem.  But can you at least throw in a couple Paul Bunyan hats for the kids?
(poor kid working the counter) (ACTUALLY GETS THE JOKE!!!)
(poor kid working the counter) (laughing big time)
(poor kid working the counter) (extends high five to me)
(poor kid working the counter) that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!  (genuinely laughing!)  I love that movie!
(stevo) hey, I love people with a sense of humor!  (returns high five)  I’ll take two bottles (of the shiraz) please. 
(poor kid working the counter) (perfectly timed)
(poor kid working the counter) but there’s nothing in those bottles but grizzle and fat!
(stevo) (erupts into laughter)
(poor kid working the counter) (erupts into laughter)
(random person behind me) what’s so funny?

* After a half hour enjoying the purchase, we were off to search for a decent place to eat dinner.  We went to my favorite place, the name of which I can never remember … but they make THE best BLT sandwich I’ve ever had in my life.

We sat down about 5pm, and knew it would take awhile to get served, because the joint was packed.  Somehow … this led to arguably the most impressive moment of my life so far, and granted, that’s not saying much, but …

There was a lady in our group who was … uum … wicked intoxicated by this point.  Let me try to set this up so that you can picture the scene.  We were sitting at a table in the middle of the room, 5 of us at a table designed for six.  (The seat on my right was empty).  Sitting directly across from me, in a booth along the wall, was this decent gentleman with (what I, in hindsight, correctly assumed) was a daughter of his, and a couple of her friends.  There also was another gentleman about this dude’s age (I’d put him in his early 50s) sitting at the end of the booth.  Two guys, obviously there with their kids.  I mention this for a reason …

Because apparently this lady with us, has serious relationship issues either past or present, because for some idiotic reason, she stands up and starts very audibly ripping into these two guys for “the whores you’re here with”.  Noting how “that’s so wrong”, to stop “robbing the cradle”.  Her friend that was with us managed to get her to sit down and shut up long enough for me to play damage control.

The one guy (the second one) was accommodating, accept my apology on behalf of our group, understood this lady was wickedly drunk.  The first guy?  Reacted as I would have – furiously.  He didn’t care what my explanation was, he was pissed.  (In his defense?  I was as pissed off as he was at this lady.  I HATE defending the indefensible.  I HATE it.  I have to do it 16 times a year with the Chiefs.  That’s bad enough.  If I had a daughter and some drunken lady called her a whore, I’d be as ready to throw down as this guy was.)

After convincing him not to call the cops (and boy, did that take some “hit my knees” apologizing and pleading), we decide to just cancel our order and move on to another restaurant, to prevent anything else from having.  We get our tab, and I notice the folks the lady with us had offended, were also ready to leave.  I grab our mutually shared waitress, and told her to give me their tab, I’d cover it.

The first guy, the irate one, refused to allow me to cover it.  Not because he was still angry, but because “you shouldn’t have to pay for that lady’s mistake”.  I wouldn’t take the $60 back, and he wouldn’t allow me to pay.  So we reached a compromise, and left it as the tip.

* After that excursion in dining incompetence, we were off to the sports bar we love there, appropriately enough called “Wings!”  And I gotta admit, they made THE best buffalo chicken sandwich I’ve ever had in my life.  Soaked in hot sauce, it was comprised of four breaded chicken strips, tomato, mayonnaise, and pepperjack cheese. 

For $6.29.  With fries.

Unreal.

* Got back from the long day a little after midnight.  I was sound asleep by 12:15.  And I was cursing the wake up call at 6am.

* Since now we’re getting into the GameDay portion of the recap, allow me to offer a brief moment of praise to the Chiefs organization.  Six plus hours of tailgating on Sunday was EPICALLY cool.  Guys?  If you have a 3pm home game in September next year (and why you would, I have no earthly idea), please – let’s do this on a nice 86 degree and sunny day, as opposed to 38 and overcast when the gates opened.

* Folks riding the Bus: Russ and Mona, myself, Susan, Jeff and Paula.  Folks arriving within an hour of the gates opening: Anthony and Jaimmie, Anthony’s dad, the dude whose name I can never remember, the chick whose name I can never remember*, (I think) Michael, and other assorted folks who rode out in their two cars.  Arriving shortly afterwards, the lovely Dusty and Kellie, followed by Will and Robin.  At some point, Jose (who used my extra on Sunday) and the South Dakota folks in town for this game arrived.  I’m pretty sure “The Voice of Reason” and his dad showed up at some point too, I seem to vaguely recall that occurring.

(*: when in doubt, I’ll just call them “Tony and Lisa”.  Good God, I’m the dumbest guy in the room 99.2% of the time.)

* Also arriving: “The Crush”.  I do sincerely apologize to “The Champ” and “The Chica”, and to “The Crush” for any awkwardness.  It sucks when two people you love break up, and you have to straddle the fence.  I’ll try to do better at straddling said fence going forward. 

* My “special little stuffed animal” made an appearance again!  So allow me to say this, as I know some people from western Nebraska’s finest family tend to read this from time to time (hey, shoutout!  Look at Stevo being all shoutout-y, “Price is Right” style!) … ok, let me say two things.  First, it’s a joke.  I can understand why a Denver Bronco hanging by multiple nooses might be offensive, but it is all in good humor.  (Plus, he’s a convenient punching bag for the inevitable postgame meltdown that shockingly – SHOCKINGLY – did not emerge from me this week.)

But second, re-read that last paragraph and see if you can spot the “what’s different here” part of it.  It’s cool, I’ve got at least two pages of outright ranting to go, take your time.  (cue “Jeopardy” theme song music).  And … time.

The words “Denver” and “Broncos” were capitalized for the first time ever on this site.  Why, you ask?  Because they’re a franchise I can respect.  They are owned by a guy who is so desperate to win every year, that he blatantly circumvented the salary cap to make a second Super Bowl run in 1998.  (Gee, lose a fourth round pick three years later, or keep Terrell Davis on the roster?  Tough, tough call.  NOT.)  They’re run by a man who … hang on, let me grab a trash can here for the inevitable projectile vomit about to occur … they’re run by a man who I not only consider to be the greatest quarterback to ever play the game, he’s a damned solid general manager who “gets it”.  They’re quarterbacked by my most hated player in this League … but even I have to admit, I cannot WAIT to see Peyton Manning at Arrowhead in 26 days.  Peyton?  Buddy?  Dude?  Do yourself a favor – study the Oilers at Chiefs game from December 1990.  To this day, and it’s been 22 years, to this day, I have NEVER seen a more amazing display of quarterbacking in that stadium, than Warren Moon pulled off that day.

Please, Chiefs organization?  If we’re going down to defeat in epic, all-time-worst-team status?  Can we at least ask Jeff Donaldson, Stan Petry, Lloyd Burruss (sadly, the one person who gets lumped in with this craptacular foursome that was our secondary that day), and Chuck Mincy, to be the honorary coinflip captains on November 25th?  Can you see what cardboard box Haywood Jeffries is living in, and ask him to show up, steal the coin mid-flip, and run 82 yards untouched to the east end zone?  If we’re going to suck at an all-time worst-team ever level, can we at least have a little gallows humor here, Chiefs?  Please?  Thanks, your buddy Stevo.

And PS – you are not only atop my sh*t list … this is now personal.  This season, is personal.  If you see Andy Garcia playing the worst version of an Italian mobster ever to appear on a movie screen, strolling around the grounds, Chiefs front office?  Just assume you’re Joey Zaza*. 

(*: ok, I know I’m the only person alive who thinks “The Godfather Part III” was not only not bad, it’s extremely watchable, entertaining, and the penultimate scene is legitimately “holy f*cking sh*t!” good, even if it’s obvious what’s going to happen 20 minutes before it does, Pacino is that good in that scene (and ditto Diane Keaton and Talia Shire.  George Hamilton?  Not so much.)  But for God’s sake, is there anyone with an IQ above that of a brick that buys Andy Garcia as an Italian mobster?  Really?  I mean, Bridget Fonda playing a naïve reporter in this thing was more believable, and Puzo and Coppola saw how crappy her acting was, and changed the script to kill her off sooner for crying out loud.  Wait, where was I going with this?)

* OK, let’s move on to the game itself, and specifically, there’s only one play I want to focus on, and then, I’m going to explode in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever come as unhinged like before.

(Also – late note: I’m splitting this into two posts -- everything up through the 5th play from scrimmage of the game … and coming tomorrow, the actal gameday thoughts.  It’s getting late.  I’m tired.  And I’m getting sick of typing.)

The play: 4th and 5, at the oakland 39, not even two minutes into the contest.  The first play of the game is a Stanford Routt interception that he returns to the oakland 44.  After a Charles carry, and two incompletions (one to Charles, the other to Bowe), the Chiefs face said 4th and 5, at the oakland 39.

Let me make sure the scene is set properly.  Chiefs on the raiders side of the field.  Chiefs have not led for EVEN A SECOND of a game so far this year.  They have a makeable fourth down, against who many Chiefs fans (not me, but I get why) consider to be our biggest rival.  We’re two minutes into the game.  EVERYTHING about this moment … well, you know what?

Let me let one of the audience answer what was going through my head at that moment, and frankly, all season up to this point.  Mr. “Voice of Reason” (via email today)?  Take it away!

"It pains me to agree with you....and when it comes to the chefs, it's not often (probably why I'm the voice of reason).....but Good Lord....that coaching performance yesterday was something to behold....when you punt on 4th&5 from the 39 on the first series, you know it's going to be a long day....."

That … is the diplomatic way to put it.  Since I’m only good for two diplomatic moments a year – and I’ve already whizzed away the first in Hermann this weekend, and am dreading with a passion the second one – let me state exactly what I said at that moment:

(stevo screaming at the top of his lungs voice) You're 1-5!  (Sticks arms out in utter disgust, begin pointing said arms / hands / fingers at the Chiefs sideline.)  You haven't scored an offensive touchdown since September!  (pounds seat in front of me.)  You've been handed a gift interception by a bad team!  (smack seat.)  You're at home!  (kicks seat.)  You're on their half of the mother f*cking field!  (smacks seat so hard, my hand still hurts 50 hours later.)  You have led for exactly 0:00 so far this season!  (slams Jets cap to the ground in disgust.)  You have NOTHING to lose by going for it!  (combined smack, kick, and Jets hat slam all at once, and that’s one HELLUVA trifecta to pull off after basically drinking non-stop for the last 54 hours.)

So of course, the Chiefs don't hesitate to send in Dusty C.  Did they at least try the ol' "try to draw them offsides, then take the delay of game penalty if they don't jump, because we want more room to punt" play?  OF COURSE NOT!  Why, you ask, would they not at least do something that anyone with an elementary understanding of the game would attempt?  Because the Chiefs don't have even that basic understanding of the rules!

Go figure, after a decent punt pinned the raiders inside the 6, the raiders promptly marched down the field, aided by a horrific defensive play that allowed a simple checkdown pass go for 58 yards, kicked a field goal, and took a lead they would never relinquish.

Are you starting to see why this is so godd*mned infuriating?  This is beyond gross incompetence.  This is beyond bad drafts, bad quarterbacks, inept gameplans, players that have openly quit on their teammates and the coaching staff.  This is beyond players scared to death to take the field.  This is beyond failed promises, unmet expectations, and faded hopes and dreams.  This isn't even about the losing anymore.  This is all about how and why we are losing, how and why what is occurring on the field, is occurring.  This is now insulting.

This is now personal.

We literally … oh boy, here we go … we literally are coached by the dumbest man walking the planet, with all due apologies to “The Champ” at this point.  Coach Baffoon is THE dumbest man walking the planet.

He says he “doesn’t know” why Jamaal Charles had eight touches on Sunday.  He says he “can’t explain” why this team has trailed by at least 17 points in every game save for one.  He “doesn’t have an answer” for why his team has given up THIRTY PLUS PLAYS of over 20 yards, and no other defense in this league has topped 20 yet, and I’m fully aware this year’s Saints defense is making “32 Defense” from 2002 look like the 1985 Bears or 2000 Ravens.

The gameplans are beyond baffling.  I mean, if you have two quarterbacks you have no faith in, and you’re playing a close game (it was within a touchdown for well over 40 minutes on Sunday), why in the hell are you only running the ball 13 times?  The defense, dear God.  I actually feel sorry for Emmitt Thomas, a helluva good guy, a tremendous franchise legend, and damned good coordinator, who has to be literally hurling his headset into the window of the press box at this point over how clueless Coach Baffoon’s play calls on that side of the ball are.  (And for what it’s worth, if Coach Baffoon is fired on Friday, which is a damned distinct possibility, I’d give Emmitt Thomas the interim gig.  “The Voice of Reason” argues for Jim Zorn to get it, because, and he has a valid point, the dual defensive coordinator / head coach role?  ISN’T!  WORKING!)

I can deal with incompetence.  I can deal with fireable offenses.  I can deal with crappy play, a boatload of losses.  I can deal with a roster that doesn’t have a quarterback on it who could start at the University of Kansas right now.  I can deal with the grouse misuse of the one offensive weapon that we can rely on (Charles).  I can deal with the absolutely fireable offense of picking a worthless OL named Donald Stephenson at 74 last spring, while Russell Wilson, who despise his flaws, is not only better than ANYTHING at the position on the roster, but would at least have us in the heart of the race to win a sh*tty division, I can deal with picking Stephenson over Wilson, who went to Seattle with the very next pick.

I can deal with paying $800 for tickets, $270 to park (of which a full $50 is refunded at year’s end.  Wohoo?), $91 for a crappy windbreaker that doesn’t block the rain, $12 for the most pathetically weak vodka tonic known to man.  I can even deal with (as I got to on Sunday) a toilet clogging issue in the men’s room that had human waste laying on the floor at times. 

Because honestly?  Smelling the stink in the men’s room in 338 at 6:06 Sunday evening?  

Beats the HELL out of the smell coming from the sidelines, into the stands.

Chiefs?  This is personal now.  You’ve committed the one unforgiveable sin in my book – you’ve willingly made decisions that put me in a very negative position without (a) asking me for my input and thoughts of the situation, (b) acknowledging there is a situation, and (c) informing me what the outcome of said discussions of said situation is.

I can deal with getting the shaft.  I can deal with abject mother f*cking idiots who are too stupid to see that how they’re handling a situation, is so wrong on so many levels, that it literally leads me to question my own sanity.  (As in, “wait – said person can’t REALLY be this stupid, right?”)

What I cannot, and I will not, accept … is the realization that the core issue, the core problem, the fatal flaw this team has?  Is the one part of the equation that is guaranteed not to change.

Namely, I cannot, and WILL NOT, accept for even 2/1000ths of a second, the idea that the architect of this mess, will escape any and all responsibility for said mess he (and or she) at a barest minimum, were directly responsible for allowing to occur.  Read into that anything you want ... but my point is this:  

This team can fire it’s head coach (it better), it’s coordinators (maybe), it’s assistant coaches at various positions (absolutely).  It can clean house in the sh*ttacular scouting department (a no brainer).  It can even replace the dude making the personnel decisions (and incredibly enough … I’m still undecided about firing Scott Pioli.  Seriously.  I know you don’t believe me … but I don’t have a strong feeling one way or another.  Gun to my head, make a decision and live with the consequences?  I give him at least one more year.  But only give it with the understanding that it’s divisional round of the playoffs – not wildcard, DIVISIONAL – or else.)

But it doesn’t matter one damned bit, if the owner is too stupid for his own good.  For what it’s worth, Clark Hunt doesn’t strike me as a stupid person.  Naïve, perhaps, but definitely not stupid.  (And please, spare me the “he needs to move to KC” crap.  For Christ’s sake, I came home all the time from the Metroplex when I was in college for Chiefs games and other assorted reasons.  It’s NOT an issue.  If Mr. Hunt lived in Morocco?  Issue.  Highland Park?  Not even close.)

The next ten weeks, in my rarely humble opinion, will determine this franchise’s next ten years.  Either our owner will step up, spend the money he needs to, to make this roster commesurative with the fanbase’s expectations, and fire / hire who needs to come and go (hee hee, he said “come and go!”) … or he’ll be what I fear he is.

His father’s child.

Which is why this is personal.  Lamar Hunt was fine with 1 playoff berth in 17 years (Steadman / Schaff).  Lamar Hunt was fine with 6 head coaches in that run of futility (Stram, Wiggin, Bettis, Levy, Mackovic, Gansz).  Lamar Hunt was fine with Carl’s end run, of 2 playoff appearances in his last 10 years (2003, 2006), and zero playoff wins in his last 15 years (last win: January 16, 1994.)

I’m not.

Clark better not be either …

Friday, October 26, 2012

week eight: lose the damned halo ...


“Tell me before I waltz out of your life,
Before turning my back on the past.
Forgive my impertinent behavior,
But how long do you think this paramount can last?

Tell me before I ride off in the sunset –
There’s one thing I never got clear.
How can you claim you’re our savior,
When those who oppose you are
Stepped on, or cut up,
Or simply disappear?

Tell me before you get onto your bus,
Before joining the forgotten brigade.
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time honored way the game is played?

Tell me before you get onto your high horse,
Just what you expect me to do?
I don’t care what the bourgeoise say –
I’m not in business for them,
But to give all my descomesados,
A magical moment or two.

There is evil ever around
Fundamental systems of government, quite incidental.
So what are my chances, of honest advances?
I’d say low.
Better to win by admitting my sin,
Than to lose with a halo …”

-- “Waltz for Eva and Che”, from the musical “Evita”. 

-----------------------------------------

Last Week SU: 5-8-0.  Putrid.
Season to Date SU: 52-51-0.  Unforgivable.

Last Week ATS: 4-7-2.  Bankruptcy awaits.
Season to Date ATS: 47-53-3.  I don’t live in Hallbrook for a reason.

Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: worst NFL rule ever.
Season to Date “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: 3-4-0, both SU and ATS.
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week:

The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets, “Here’s Who NOT To Bet” Best Guesses:

* Bucs (+5) 21, at Vikings 17.  Circle the wagons time for my predicted NFC champion.
* Chargers (-2 ½) 24, at Browns 21.  Circle the wagons time for my predicted AFC champion.
* at Titans (-3 ½) 28, Colts 24.  “Facts Of Life” Game of the Week.
* Patriots (-8) 30, Rams 20 (London).  God forbid the NFL ever export a watchable game.
* at Eagles (-1 ½) 31, Falcons 20.  Reid 13-0 all time after the bye.  Unreal stat that will grow.
* at Bears (-9) 31, Panthers 20.  Would you trade a conditional second for Cam?  I would.
* Seahawks (+1) 31, at Lions 30.  Might be the best game of the day.  Other than the Sunday nighter.
* at Steelers 34, Redskins (+4 ½) 31.  Still a chance both teams appear at Arrowhead next year.
* at Cowboys (pick) 35, Giants 30.  A result that throws a wacky NFC into abject chaos. at the midpoint.
* at broncos 38, Saints (-8) 34.  To Whom It May Concern: I am stating this now, to be on the record: if ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE, at the postgame party attempts to interrupt my watching this game for even 2/1000ths of a second, you are going to regret it.  I am GEEKED for this game.  Manning v Brees for likely the final time, and I’m so geeked, I’m capitalizing Manning for Christ’s sake.  Do.  Not.  Disturb.  Me.  Period.  Just let the dude with three bottles of wine next to him enjoy this game, please.  I’ve had a sh*tty last couple of months in this thing called “real life”.  I want this matchup.  I NEED this game.  I love this sport, even if my favorite team hates me.  Please – Sunday night?  Let me enjoy GREATNESS on display, on both sides of the field.  Thanks in advance, your ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, ol’ pardner, Stevo.
* at Cardinals (+8) 21, 49ers 17.   I don’t care how much you discount the Cards, or how much you hype the 49ers, there ain’t a shot in hell this would be a 14 point spread by the Bay.  And it sure as all hell shouldn’t be an 8 point spread in the facility formerly known as Pink Taco Stadium.  (Yes – that is a true statement.  Pink Taco Stadium used to exist.  I don’t care how easily offended you are, that’s awesome.  Pink Taco Stadium.  The only thing missing is a couple saw-su-age biscuits and 6,000 chicken vaginas.)

The Jets “Eighteen Years Since We Fell for a Fake Spike and Counting!” Prognostication:

* at Jets (-1) 17, Dolphins 14.  I’m 35, the fake spike happened when I was 17, and I am still haunted by it.  Screw you Marino.  I hope Lieutenant Einhorn’s “worst case of hemorrhoids I have EVER SEEN!” gave it to you like nobody’s received it before.

The Chiefs “I Cannot WAIT to See What an “Evita” Song Has To Do With Anything Related to Football” Prediction:

Re-read the words to the first verse of this song above.  There’s four lines that stand out to me:

* “Forgive my impertinent behavior, but how long do you think this pantamount can last?”  To Clark Hunt, our “absentee landlord”.  Sir, forgive my rude line of questioning … but if you’re going to replicate your father’s 40 plus year run at the helm?  Step aside.

I don’t want a Jack Steadman / Jim Schaff run of 1 playoff berth in 17 years while pissing through 8 coaches.  I don’t want to go 18 years (and counting!) without a playoff win.  If “January 16, 1994” is not printed at the top of EVERY directive you issue to ANYONE in this organization, as in “folks, this is the last time we won a playoff game, and I’ll be DAMNED if that’s my legacy”?  If that’s not your focus, step aside.  Give us an owner who wants to win, not fleece us for every cent we don’t have.

* “How can you claim you’re our savior, when those who oppose you are stepped on, or cut up, or simply disappear?”  To Scott Pioli: sir, forgive ignorance … but how exactly do you think treating your paying customers (to say nothing of your direct report employees) worse than an overseer would have treated a runaway in 1859 South Carolina is HELPING the cause?  You screwed the pooch at the only – again, the ONLY! – two positions that matter on a NFL roster: the quarterback, and the head coach.

And sir?  I say this as someone who not only would not fire you, I wrote a whole damned fake mailbag last week DEFENDING you!  (And trashing your head coach, but his “moment of glory” is coming shortly.)

I mean, are you kidding me?  Again, I wouldn’t fire you (at least not yet) … but how in the hell can ANY NFL general manager enter a season with Matt Cassel and Brady Quinn (and (gulp) Ricki Stanzi) as his quarterback crew and conclude “you know what, we’re good, no need to upgrade”.  I mean, are you on crack?  Meth?  LSD?  Because if that’s your defense, that you were so baked on some controlled substance that you entered “Bizarro Game Film World”, where sh*tty quarterbacks look good, and offering Drew Brees 5 years, $105 million, or peyton manning 3 years at $80 million seems stupid? 

And please sir – spare me the numbers crunch.  We all know you have to overpay to get top flight talent to come to Kansas City.  You have $21 million in cap room for a reason sir – to USE IT! 

You are required by the CBA, beginning next year, to spend AT LEAST 97% of your available cap room on player costs.  AT LEAST 97%.  Why the hell didn’t you get a head start on the field and take a flyer on, I don’t know, either one of the two franchise quarterbacks on the market?  Jesus God above, does anyone at One Arrowhead Drive think with the head on top of their neck?  (As opposed to the head … I’ll stop there.  I’m keeping this no worse than NC17.)

* “Tell me before you get onto your high horse, just what you expect me to do?”  To Romeo Crennel – I expect you to, at a bare minimum, be COMPETENT at your job.  In the real world, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, ol’ Romeo?  We have this wonderful rating system in which 99.99% of us are judged to “meet expectations” every year.  That sir, that is what I want from you.

To simply get the check mark next to “meets expectations” on your annual review.

The sad thing is, sir?  Every Chiefs fan reading this, or living this abortion of a season*, sadly WOULD check “meets expectations” next to your performance so far.  We expected a buffoon who, in the words of Shakespeare, was “full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing”.  We got it.

(*: one – I promise, only one – side political rant: Republican hopefuls for the Senate?  SHUT.  UP.  ABOUT.  ABORTION.  Please.  I am BEGGING you.  You are literally pissing away the landslide of a nation’s history by opening your mouths about things you’re too damned idiotic to explain.  Here, let me help you.  The next time some journalist asks you a question about your position on abortion, here’s how you answer: “Let me be clear: my position is the same as it was four years ago.”  That’s ALL you have to say.  Don’t attempt to explain, don’t clarify, Christ – don’t even make eye contact.  Just REPEAT that to EVERY QUESTION they ask, especially if it’s about abortion.  If it’s a good enough answer for them out of the President?  Then MAKE them accept it out of you.  12 days until National Firing Day.  13 days until National Rioting Day.  I am SO looking forward to stealing my new flat screen from some overrun pawn shop on Troost or the Paseo come 2am a week from Wednesday …)

And finally:

* “Better to win by admitting my sin, than to lose with a halo.”

Yes.  YES IT IS!

Sunday, we are facing a franchise, an organization, that PRIDES itself on just three words:

“Just Win, Baby!”

Chiefs Organization?  Decision makers?  Ownership?  Players, coaches, towel boys?

JUST.  WIN.

If there’s one thing* I’ve learned over the last few months of my life, it is this: the ends ALWAYS justify the means.  Doesn’t matter how much someone bends you over and sticks it in there – the ends ALWAYS justify the means.  If the collateral damage doesn’t like it? 

Doesn’t matter – the ends ALWAYS justify the means.

(*: I’m being serious here for a moment – is anyone else laughing their ass off … at Obama trying to plug the holes in the dam as more and more damning emails, correspondence, and other assorted forms of communication are released showing everyone OTHER than him gave a damn about security in Libya?  You are?  Sweet!  Thank God!  12 days to go.  (pause).  (talking to the official “Stevo’s Site Numero Dos” editor).  What?  What do you mean, I said I wouldn’t go there?  (pause).  Oh for the love of God, who actually reads these sidebars?  Who cares what I promised one sidebar ago?  The ends justifies the means!  Vote Romney!  Fire Barry!)

Chiefs?  Guys?  Beginning December 31, 2012, you should aim to “Just Win”.

Until then?

Take verse two to heart, because it’s what EVERY Chiefs fan feels right now, Mr. Hunt / Mr. Pioli / Mr. Baffoon:

“Tell me before I seek worthier pastures,
And thereby restore self esteem.
How can you be so short-sighted?
To look never further,
Than this week or next week,
To have no impossible dream?

Allow me to help you slink off to the sidelines,
And mock your adieu with three cheers! …”

Just ignore the finish to the verse that the braintrust, and man, do I use that term more loosely than a $10 hooker is, uuh, down there – just ignore the finish.  Because while we feel the beginning of the verse … we root for an organization that embraces the ending:

“Just tell me who’d be delighted,
If I said I’d take on the world’s biggest problems,
From war to pollution, no hope of solution,
Even if I lived for one hundred years!”

Mr. Hunt?  Mr. Pioli?  Mr. Baffoon?  Mr. Quinn?  Mr. Winston?  Dude who scans our parking pass at Gate 6?  Gal who scans my ticket at Gate H?  Chica who sells me the crappiest, most watered down, worthless vodka and Sprite $12 can buy?

You don’t have one hundred years.

You have 100 days.

I give you a pass for 2012.  After Sunday?  If Sunday is a loss (and it … wait, can’t spoil it yet)?  If Sunday is this team's 29th loss in 41 outings, their 12th loss in their last 15 home games?  Their sixth straight home defeat to their hated arch-rivals?

Then noone who figures to be on this team in 36 months, should see the field going forward. 

Put the whole damned future on IR.  Sign every practice squad player.  Start Stanzi.  Start this Nate Eachus dude who’s shockingly decent.  Locate Steve Breaston, wherever he’s been lost at, and put him in the lineup.

Lose every game going forward guys, if you lose on Sunday.

Except for one.

Promise me you’ll beat denver at home?

And I’ll give you that hundred years you want.

One last note: “on condition of anonymity”, Steve’s Site Numero Dos’ official gate person has confirmed the gates really are opening no later than 8:30.  For a 3pm kickoff.  Folks?  They’re BEGGING us to show up and let them have it.

So do it.  Show up.  LET THEM HAVE IT.  I am doing my part: I gave my extra to a raiders fan.  Our tailgating crew is carrying out at least 9 raiders fans with us.  And I’m showing up to boo(ze).  Heavily.

It’s ok to boo these guys.  God knows I am.

And besides – I’ll just say this.  If you can’t bring yourself to laugh at the product on the field?  Then at least laugh at us dumb enough to show up to watch it. There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s “I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry at this” insulting.  Again, in “real life”?  I’m at the “I can’t tell if I should laugh or cry, this is so embarrassingly pathetic” when it comes to one aspect of it**.  But with the Chiefs?  It’s laugh time. 

Because it hurts too much to cry.

If EVER a game has “qualified” as being so epically sh*tty, so utterly unwatchable, that even though I’ve already paid for me AND a buddy to watch this?  That’d I’d rather be watching a six hour marathon block on “TV One” or “Nick at Nite”?

It’s this one.

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?  Good Times!!!!  (or not).

(**: I’m in stage fifteen of  “wait, this happened?!?!” delusion: deadman hanging humor.  Hey -- it beats stage 12 (unchecked rage), stage 13 (using the HHH Memorial Sledge Hammer on myself), and stage 14 (going on a bender).  Up next: stage 16 (yo man, you like, got some like, weed?  I really like, need it to, like, mellow out and sh*t.  Like, what, what do you want for, like, an ounce, man?  Because I’m like, totally, totally good for it in, like, a week, I like, swear!  I’m like, totally serious and sh*t man!  Like, come on, like, I need this!)  God I miss “The Couch” sometimes.)

* raiders (pick) 45, at Chiefs 13.  What do you set the over/under for arrests at, 500?  556?  I mean, SEVEN HOURS of tailgating?!?!  Is Scott Pioli ASKING to be hung in effagy?  (stevo getting a rock solid thought in his head for the first time in a while.)  On second thought, that might be the show NBC should pick up to slam into the Tuesdays at 10/9 central slot: “Hanging NFL GM’s In Effagy”.  Carolina or Cleveland could be the premiere episode’s focus!  Oh.  They already cut the rope.  My bad …

Sunday, October 21, 2012

the week seven picks: a long promised theme comes to life


Last Week SU: 7-6-0.
Season to Date SU: 47-43-0.

Last Week ATS: 8-5-0.
Season to Date ATS: 43-46-1.

Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: winner!  Although really: betting on Aaron Rodgers to top a Gary Kubiak gameplan is like taking candy from a baby.
Season to Date “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: 3-3-0 (both SU and ATS).
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: Bucs (+1 1/2) over Saints.  Circle those pirate ships boys.  Circle 'em good.

 -------------

Well, the Chiefs are off this week … and since I’ve been wanting to haul this gimmick out for a couple years now … this is it.  (This is it). This is life, the one you have, so go and have a ball!

Yup, “One Day at a Time”’s theme song JUST missed the cut, coming in 14th on the “Stevo’s Favorite TV Show Theme Songs”-o-Meter.

(There are 13 games on the board this week.)

I ranked the games by desirability, 13 to 1, and go figure – the theme songs applied are also ranked 13-1.  Here’s a hint: for once?  It’s not a bad thing to be the “Good Times” or “Sanford and Sons” Game o’ the Week (rimshot!)

Enjoy?

 13. at Colts (-1 1/2) 17, Browns 10.  Not much redeemable about this one, other than Andrew Luck.  And, in honor of Mr. Luck, my 13th ranked TV theme song is, go figure, about "the luckiest dreamers who never quit dreaming!"  Yup, this is your "Growing Pains" Game o' The Week!

12. at raiders (-6) 24, Jaguars 13.  Well, both of these teams are a salvage job at this point ... so hit it!  Your "Sanford and Son" Game o' The Week!

11. at Bills (-3 1/2) 31, Titans 13.  For once, I don't hate the half a point.  The Bills should easily cover.  And speaking of things easily covered ... there are very few, if any, Beatles songs that are covered well.  There's only one that's ever been better than the original, and it's the theme song to my second favorite show of all time.  Joe Cocker covering "With a Little Help From My Friends", the theme to "The Wonder Years".

10. at Vikings (-7) 27, Cardinals 17.  I know I'm going to catch a lot of flak from at least "The Voice of Reason" for ranking this one as low as I did ... but watching a game like this?  Sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows your name.  And they're always glad you came.  You wanna go where people know, your troubles are all the same.  You wanna go where everybody knows your name.  And God help you if you don't know the sitcom that's the theme of*.  It's only the second greatest sitcom of all time, behind a show whose theme has yet to appear.

(*: "Cheers", for the clueless.)

9. at Rams (+5) 24, Packers 20.  Not quite Upset of the Week, but close.  And ... it's true story time!  My mom still has a baby book, scrapbook, whatever you want to call it, of me from my birth until I was about four.  It's kind of cool sometimes to look back and see who you were, before you could remember who you are.  Anyways, you flip to the "words I could say when I was two" page ... and I swear to God -- at least 80% of them are either TV shows, TV characters, or department stores.  Who says parenting doesn't matter?

Anyways, one of those shows, that I apparently knew every character's name to when I was two ... hell, I still love the show today, even if it's the crappiest TV show ever, and it is the only TV sitcom theme song to ever hit number one on the Billboard charts.  "Though the names have all changed since you hung around, still those dreams?  They remain.  And they've turned (you) around.  And whod've thought they'd lead you?  Back here where we need you?  Yeah, we tease him a lot!  'Cause we got him on the spot!  Welcome back!  Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back!"  Again, God help you if you have no clue what show* this one is from.

(And as a sidebar to a couple people who'll read this: click the link above and listen to the words.  That's how I genuinely felt Wednesday night guys.  Thank you for making what should have been the awkward, uncomfortable situation of a generation, into the funnest night I've had in that league in well over a year.  I hope we can do that again sometime.  Seriously.  The sooner?  The better.)

(*: "Welcome Back, Kotter" for those who have yet to have a "3" or higher appear as the first digit of their age.)

8. Seahawks (+7) 27, at 49ers, 17.  I’ll take the push.  (49ers won 13-6).  And since to me this is the worst game remaining on the board, well ... ain't we lucky we got 'em?  Good Times!!!!!  And yes, it frightens me too that when I typed the word "good" into the Youtube! search, it pulled up a purple (as in "clicked this before") highlighted "good times theme song" link as the top suggestion.  Ain't I lucky I got 'em?  Good Times!!!!

(Also, for the new to this: if you actually bet my leanings?  You WILL react like this.  Fair warning.)

7. at Bengals (pick) 28, Steelers 27.  This one figures to be one of those long, drawn out, four hour regular season contests where you're yawning come the third quarter.  I can only think of one TV theme song that drags its point out worse than this one's gonna be.  For the first (and, I PROMISE -- LAST!) time in this site's history, this is YOUR "Maude" Game o' The Week!

6. at Panthers (+2 1/2) 31, Cowboys 24.  Sneaky good game between two teams with the potential to surprise in January, if they can somehow find a way to get there.  And speaking of "sneaky good" theme songs, I mean, come on.  You can't top a show that features both Nancy Reagan doing a "just say no" promo, and Gordon Jump as a bike-shop owning child molestor.  "Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum!  What might be right for you, may not be right for some ..."

(And speaking of gambling: even as recently as two years ago, what kind of odds would you have gotten for Todd Bridges to be the last of the kids on this show to still be drawing breath?  1500:1?  4500:1?  I'd have loved a shot to wager a ten spot at those puppies and/or ponies ...)

5. at Bucs (+1 1/2) 31, Saints 30.  If my NFC Champ is going to actually have a shot, they have to win this game.  Period, end of statement.  And here's the theme song to the greatest sitcom of all time.  God help you if you've never seen the "Chuckles the Clown" episode, the funniest thirty minutes in TV history.

4. Lions (+7) 34, at Bears 13.  I know every man and his brother ... and second cousin four times removed, is betting on Chicago.  I love the Lions in this game.  Kinda like how most people over 40, especially of a religious persuasion, hate this theme song's show ... but I can't get enough of it.


3. Redskins (+6) 24, at Giants 20.  This might be the game of the first half of the season.  Cannot wait to see at least the highlights of it.  And since RGIII is approaching hero-like status ... come on, I can't resist using this one.  Yup, this is your "Greatest American Hero" Game o' The Week!

2. at Patriots 31, Jets (+10) 24.  This one is going to be better than most people think it will be.  And since whoever wins this game will sit atop the AFC East, they're moving on' up!  (Movin' on up!)  To that deluxe apartment in the sky!  (good ol' jr voice) Good God!  It's "The Jefferson's" Game o' The Week!

1. at Texans 31, Ravens (+7) 30.  I wish this one was in prime time.  Tremendous rematch of last year's epic divisional round game that Baltimore held on to win.  They're the only two teams in the AFC with an above .500 record.  Houston?  You've earned this.  Just like this has earned its status as not only the greatest TV show theme song of all time, it's arguably the most influential TV show of all time.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

there's only one way to resolve arrowhead nation's feelings ...


There's only been two things on my mind lately: the election, and ... uum ... do I go there?  Do I do it?  Do I dare trot one out?  (dramatic pause ...)

Enjoy!

* "Stevo!" -- Dusty J, KCK.

Do you have a point, sir?

* "Stevo!" -- Dusty J, KCK.

I'm not Zeus champ, there's no need to call for me like a Meaty Bone awaits me.  What the hell do you want?

* "Oh.  Scott Pioli, he has to go right?  I mean, surely you're leading the anti-Pioli, "fire his ass as soon as f*cking possible charge", right?  I know I'm right!" -- Dusty J, KCK.

In the words of my favorite quote you've ever said to me, and champ, I've waited FOUR DAMNED YEARS to throw this back in your face.

Shut up!  And no.

* "WHAT?!?!?!  (spitting boulevard wheat out in shocked disbelief)" -- Megan K, City Market.

In the words of a quote I love that I get to say way too infrequently: do I need to get you a towel so you can clean up?

* "OK, that was genuinely funny.  Usually your cheap shot sex references aren't funny ... but that one kind of was." -- Drew K, Shawnee.

Thanks!  You have a question?

* "Yeah.  HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!?!?!  You think Pioli should STAY?!?!?!" -- Drew K, Shawnee.

Well, you can't lose what you don't have.  And yes, I think Pioli should stay.

* "OK, I'm going to throw one of your said way-too-often phrases in your face." -- Kellie J, KCK.

I've had worse things thrown at me than a phrase.  Fling away, chica. 

* "Justify this!  There is not one justifiable reason -- not one! -- to keep Scott Pioli as the general manager!  Not one!  How can you be so stupid and delusional!  Why do you keep backing idiocy on display!  Incompetence everywhere!  How can you justify this decision, sir?" -- Kellie J, KCK.

Wait, wait, wait, HOLD IT!  Hold it just a damned minute here!  I'm voting FOR Romney!  What do you mean I defend idiocy and incompetence?  I'm voting to fire it!

Oh.  You meant Scott Pioli.  God, does anything good ever happen when I shoot before I aim?  (nope.)

I can give you four reasons why he should stay off the top of my head.

1. Every position on the roster is at least as talent-deep as when he arrived, and almost all of them, are better and deeper.  Even quarterback, Chiefs fans.  Matt Cassel and Brady Quinn may stink so bad that it makes the inside of the Superdome at the height of Katrina smell like a tropical paradise ... but would you rather have Cassel and Quinn, or Brodie Croyle and Tyler Thigpen?  I know, I know, that's like choosing how you're going to die on death row: lethal injection or Ol' Sparky.  (I'd opt for Ol' Sparky.  If you have to go, come on -- it's "Ol' Sparky"!  Who doesn't love Ol' Sparky?  Other than anyone who's ever sat in it, of course.)

2. Year one was clearly a rebuild, although the situation wasn't nearly as bad as it was painted to be in hindsight.  Year two?  Division title.  So far, so good.  Here's where we're gonna disagree I think, readers: I think you have to toss year three out the window.  He deserves a do-over for that year.  You simply put cannot play AT LEAST half your season without your starting quarterback, starting running back, starting safety, starting middle linebacker, and first round draft pick, and expect to contend.  If anything?  Season three is to Mr. Pioli's credit!  Despite starting three quarterbacks, neither of whom would start anywhere else, despite the coaching change, despite the toughest schedule in football, the Chiefs were still just one missed field goal away from back to back division titles.  He gets a do-over for that in my book.  And because I believe that barring criminal activity or gross neglect of duty, you should have 5 years on the job to attain your championship or bust trying to get it, I view this as year three of Pioli.  He has at least one more to go before he can be fairly analyzed.

3. With all due respect, look at who the Chiefs have faced this year in starting 1-5.  There's no shame in losing to the last unbeaten team in football (Atlanta).  There's no shame in losing to four others teams at or within a game of .500 (Buffalo, San Diego (who, in the interest of disclosure, was my preseason AFC champion), Baltimore, and Tampa (who, in the interest of disclosure, was my preseason NFC champion).  The only "awful" this team this team played?  They beat (New Orleans).  And ...

4. Firing a general manager after 3 1/2 to 4 years on the job?  Is not the way to create and sustain a stable franchise.  Do I think Scott Pioli has done a bad job this year?  Well sure, and he's been the first one to agree with me, admitting on Soren Petro's show today that "I have plenty of room to grow as a general manager".  (Note: Pioli also appeared before the KC Star's sports department, and 610's Big Show, today as well). 

And with that comment, let me add a fifth point:

5. Call me a dreamer, say I'm a little naive ... but I believe people that are humbled?  Arrogant little pricks who've gotten away with murder for all their lives, then are suddenly humiliated and ridiculed and, for lack of a better phrase, "put in their place" by those they look down to?  They tend to emerge far better people (and employees) after the downfall.  I think Pioli will learn from this humiliation.

I mean look it folks, the guy has never failed.  ANYWHERE.  He was with Belichick in Cleveland, and any Browns fan will tell you the second worst decision in franchise history, was firing Bill Belichick and his front office and staff.  He moved on to Baltimore, where the Ravens won the Lombardi a couple years after he arrived.  He went back to work with his old boss in New England and built what might be the last NFL dynasty we'll ever see.  Even here in Kansas City, he's gotten far more right than he's gotten wrong.

(hoosiers voice) GM stays.

* "But surely you agree, if Pioli stays, that Romeo has to go, right?" -- Damien J, Midtown.

As I asked you politely at the Chargers game: if Romeo returns next year, you'll contribute to my bail fund when I storm the field and do my part to end his coaching tenure, right?  If ever a coach has displayed "gross display of incompetence", it's Romeo.

* "I'll offer my services for free if it comes to that!" -- Anthony V, Overland Park.

Thanks, buddy.

* "So who would you hire?" -- Phil S, Overland Park.

The same person I would have earlier this year: Brian Billick.

* "Why Billick?  What the hell has he ever done?" -- Brent S, somewhere in incorporated Johnson County.

Where to begin?

(1) he presided over the highest scoring offense in NFL history, the 1998 Vikings (who went 15-1, and lost the NFC Title Game in overtime).  Care to guess who his quarterbacks were?  (cue "Jeopardy" theme song music ...)  And, time.  The immortal Brad Johnson (who somehow won a Super Bowl five years later.  How did that happen?  Oh, yeah.  Sur William Callahan was the opposing coach), and a 38 year old Randall Cunningham, who replaced Johnson early in the season when Johnson was injured.

He went 15-1 and scored more points than ANY OTHER TEAM in NFL history, before or since, with two retreads under center. 

(2) If you want to argue that "wonderful Stevo, but his offense in Baltimore stunk" ... I would counter with a piece of logic you can't assail, and it is this: he still won the damned Super Bowl!  In year two!  With Tony Banks and Trent Dilfer under center!  With the Ravens offense going TWENTY THREE consecutive quarters without scoring a touchdown!  And he STILL had a solid enough gameplan in place to win the damned Lombardi!

(3) if you want to argue "nobody will ever replicate the 2000 Ravens defense, Stevo", an argument I won't even attempt to counter, I'd pull an Obama and change the subject to the fact that this guy made the playoffs with (here we go) Elvis Grbac, Anthony Wright, Kyle Boller, and a 38 year old Steve McNair. 

Plain and simple: Brian Billick is a winner.  He can win by stressing offense; he can win by stressing defense.  He's not ridiculously loyal to players he's affectionate for -- Christ, the guy cut his Super Bowl winning quarterback less than a month after said QB won the Lombardi by a 37-7 margin!  (That would be Trent Dilfer, tossed for Elvis Grbac.)

* "Steve ... (sigh) ... I know you too well.  We all know why you love Brian Billick." -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

Hang on, let me see if I can do this right.  (stevo thinking ...) ok, got it.  "Blank a doodle doo.  Blank a doodle doo."  Wait, I can do better than that.  Ready? "Blank willow.  Blank willow."  Seriously, if you have never seen "Private Parts", drop everything you're doing and either rent it, buy it on iTunes (if it's available), watch it on Netflix or Hulu (if it's available), you will not regret it.  As great as the linked scene was?  I wouldn't even rank it in the top five best scenes* of the movie.

To answer the question: I can neither confirm nor deny that Brian Billick appearing on my favorite game show of all time affects my opinion of him.  Oh who am I kidding.  The man was a contestant on "Match Game (insert year or time of day here)"!!!  That's awesome!  The only way this could be better, is if he legally changed his name to Soupy Sales!

(*: my five favorite scenes (search on YouTube! as you want): (5) subwoofer sex!  (4) any scene involving Howard and Alison, in light of what happened within a few years of the movie's release (huge unintentional comedy value).  (3) the black traffic reporter bit from his time in Detroit.  It's racist, it's stereotypical, it's absolutely tear-inducing funny.  "Who you callin' b*tch, b*tch!" never fails to crack me up.  (2) the thirteen inch kilbasa lady.  Sweet.  Jesus.  And the look on Ross Buckingham's face as she swallows the entire thirteen inches is worth the price it costs to view this alone.  But by far and away, (1) the closing credits scene with Pig Vomit.  Left unsaid, and brace yourself fellas.  You ready?  Naked.  Jenna.  Jamison.  Before.  She.  Made.  It.  Big.  Probably don't want to watch that scene with your wife, girlfriend, or friend with benefits.  They will get jealous.)

* "Why not Bill Cowher?  Jon Gruden?  Marty?" -- Chris N, Quality Hill.

Because they ain't coming here.  Don't delude yourself folks.  The last time Bill Cowher and Marty Schottenheimer coached a NFL regular season game, I was in my 20s.  (I'm 35, with 36 edging closer by the day.)  Jon Gruden has a virtual iron clad contract with ESPN that, if I remember right, has a $2 million buyout to return to coaching.  Clark Hunt isn't going to pay not one, not two, but three head coaches salaries over the next two seasons.  It ain't happening.  (I honestly forget if Haley accepted the buyout, or if he enforced his contract.  If he took the buyout?  I still don't see Clark paying two multi-million dollar head coaching salaries at the same time if he doesn't have to.)

* "So you're saying Billick is the best option that will come here?" -- Scott H, Liberty.

Well ... if you're thinking solely of coaches from the ranks of the pro game?  Yes.  He's the only one worth hiring, with proven experience, who'd listen.  Well, Jim Fassel might, but (stevo having a thought) hey!  Another feather in Billick's cap: you know he'd bring Fassel in as offensive coordinator!  All that guy did was mold john elway into the greatest quarterback of all time, and won a division with Danny Kanell under center, and reached a Super Bowl with Kerry Collins back in his "showing up drunk" days.

But ...

* "Do you think Chip Kelly would listen?  He was ready to bolt for Tampa until a last second change of heart." -- Jasson W, Prairie Village.

Honestly, yeah, I think he would, but I don't think Kelly would make a good pro head coach.  There is, however, one guy I have long had a ridiculous man-crush on who I believe not only would listen, not only may be ready to make a change, not only would at least serious consider a serious offer, and would be the kind of hire that the entire fanbase in this part of the country would not only get behind, they'd be ridiculously optimistic about it.

* "Wait, what?" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

Huh?

* "Well, you said there's one guy out there that you like a lot who might listen, might be ready to make the jump, would consider a serious offer, and would be a second f*cking base hire." -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

What's your point?

* "Oh.  I thought you were going to tell us who that guy was." -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

No, there's no point there, I just like that damned story!  I just like that story ... Oh!  Oh, I see!

Sorry.  I'm slow sometimes.  Bob Stoops.  Sorry about that.

* "Bob Stoops?!?!?!  (spitting out boulevard wheat beer in shock)" -- Heath C, Harrisonville.

I'm not getting you a towel.

* "Bob Stoops?  Bob Stoops?  Why?  What in the hell makes you think he would even pick up a phone call from the 816 area code?" -- Will D, Independence.

Well, what more does he have to attain at OU?  He's won a national championship.  He's played for the national title what, four times?  (2000, 2003, 2004, 2008).  He's made more BCS bowls than anyone can possibly comprehend.  And let's face it: OU ain't the OU it was ten years ago.  Everyone eventually wears out their welcome.  If ever there was a time to make the move?  Maybe this is it.

* "How in the hell is hiring a Sooner going to unite a team's fanbase?  Give me a break!" -- Frank L, El Paso.

Can we please refrain from any more Nell Carter references?  Please?  Watching Candy Crowley in HD last night was enough pain on my eyes for a lifetime.  Having said that, you're letting your UT bias cloud your thinking here.  No matter who you root for around here, is there ANY doubt that Bob Stoops is at worst the second best coach with a job in the states of Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Illinois, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Colorado?  (The seven states that draw the largest number of season ticket holders, by the way.)  You can argue Bill Snyder's a better coach (and I would 100% agree with you) ... but Snyder's 73 and not going anywhere.  Stoops is 52.  He has a solid 10-12 coaching years left in him at whatever level he chooses. 

If you're going for the inspired, out of nowhere, "WOW!" factor hire, it has to be Bob Stoops, doesn't it?

* "OK, ok, I'll concede that makes some sense.  But how do you know a guy with zero coaching experience in the NFL could succeed?" -- Vineet T, Queens.

Jimmy Johnson.

* "Huh?  Isn't he a NASCAR driver?" -- Gus B, Raytown.

You're thinking of Jimmie, not Jimmy, although with all due respect, the 48 is so damned good at everything he does, that if he'd been our head coach for the first six games of this season, we'd be at least 2-4.

No, Jimmy Johnson, the former Cowboys and Dolphins head coach who jumped from The U to Dallas in 1989, and won two Lombardi's in his five year at the helm. 

* "I think there's something you're holding back, and you know I know what it is sir.  Also, thanks for being the only person in the five state area to think I don't deserve to get fired." -- Scott P, One Arrowhead Drive.

Oh, you deserve to get fired.  I just don't think Clark will do it, and for the reasons I listed above, I wouldn't do it either.  Yet.

But yes, you read my mind.  And what a tale my thoughts can tell.

* "Jesus, lay off the late 70s music already!" -- Tyler C, Raytown.

Nah.  It's too good.  And for what it's worth, I'm veering back into the late 60s and early 70s now to boot.  I'd forgotten how epic "Tapestry" is.  To say nothing of the early Stones stuff.  "I said hey (hey) you (you)?  Get off of my cloud!  Hey (hey) you (you)?  Get off of my cloud!  Don't hang around, fall down to the ground, get off my cloud baby!"

* "So what exactly is this something you held back about Coach?" -- Justin B, Olathe.

That he's stacked?  (rimshot!)  I kid, I kid.  Come on Bunch, you're never living that hookup down.  No, what Stoops brings, and I honestly believe this was the reason why Jimmy Johnson had such tremendous success as early as he did: you know the talent level coming into the league for your first 3, 4, 5 years in the league better than virtually anyone else in the sport.

Because you've just spent the last decade recruiting, coaching, and coaching against the talent pool.  I will never forget 1990, when the Cowboys kept trading back, trading back, eventually landing at 17, and they stunned the world when they took what virtually everyone considered to be a stupid flyer on an overlooked afterthought running back from Florida.  Jimmy Johnson coached against that kid every year.  He KNEW that guy would be a smash success.

That kid?  The NFL's all time leading rusher, Emmitt Smith.

* "What do you think about the Chiefs running Jamaal Charles into the ground?  Is this LJ 2006 all over again?" -- Katie H, Raytown.

Well, if it is, look out women on the Plaza.  Chiefs running back with serious anger management issues is headed in your direction!

* "Have you seen me?  If you have, can you let me know where I am?" -- Steve B, Anywhere But One Arrowhead Drive.

I thought I saw you in the team photo, but that might have been a smudge from my thumb or something.  I'll get back with ya, I promise.

* "What's the worst thing about this season so far.  (Pause.)  Assuming you can narrow it down to one." -- Gordon G, Clinton.

Easy: this team has trailed by 18 or more points in all but one game this year.  When you're trailing by three touchdowns in the third quarter, you usually aren't going to win.  This is a trend that HAS to get fixed over the next ten days, or we are going to get rolled on our way to 2-14. 

* "2-14?  What the hell?  Are you on crack?  Who else is your team going to beat?" -- Wade B, Gering.

For the record: I’ve never done anything heavier than weed, sir.  I know my personality.  If I ever go harder, I’ll be that dude in the SATOP class when I’m 43 that spends 90 minutes recounting how meth cost him his wife, kids, dog, house, car, boat, rental property, etc. etc.

I will always count denver at home in the win column right up to the moment when I leave yet another 33-3 beatdown at the hands of my most hated team.  There's denial, there's that river in Egypt, and then there's the blind faith I have in the Chiefs' ability to beat denver at home.  I need help.

* "I can help you Steve!  I'm a licenced psych and everything!" -- Shannon H, Harrisonville.

I appreciate it, but you'd make me quit drinking.  And with all due respect -- have you SEEN these guys play?  How can ANYONE watch this without a boatload of booze available to you?  Plus, if you had my job, you'd hit the bottle hard as well.

* "I can only promise you a couple more years man.  I'm struggling down here." -- Stevo's liver, parts unknown.

Hey now.  I watched (and loved) the Dallas reboot this summer.  If Larry Hagman is still upright, ambulatory, and of full mental faculties at 81?  You've got a lot more abuse headed your way pal.

* “So how did the first bowling excursion go tonight?” – Stevo’s mom, Lenexa.

Normally, I’d close the “fake mailbag” with a blatant ripoff “email” of “yup, these are my readers” … only.  I choose not to for this one.

I normally try to use nicknames, intials, or at worst first names and an initial only on this site, because people deserve their privacy. 

So as I already sent to you sir via email, allow me to post for recorded history to see:  thank you, DJ.  I know you did something tonight that you (safe guess) have never done before.  I appreciate that.

What I admire, respect, and will never forget ... is that you did it after I gave you the free pass to avoid saying that two word phrase.

Thank you, if for nothing else, than restoring my faith in the idea that no matter how much we evolve, no matter how much we change, how you treat another person?  Matters.


Tonight? 

Was as close to that magical night as I’ve had since.  

And you deserve to know that.

Coming manana: week seven picks, possibly political thoughts (if I’m motivated enough to launch another “fake mailbag”), and your worst case scenario?  (jose in south philly voice) I got nothin’, yo.  Until then?  This song perfectly describes how I feel at this point …

week twelve picks

The Statisticals. Last Week SU: 8-6-0. Season to Date SU: 98-62-1. Last Week ATS: 7-7-0. Season to Date ATS: 75-80-6. Last Week Upset / ...