Friday, October 26, 2012

week eight: lose the damned halo ...

“Tell me before I waltz out of your life,
Before turning my back on the past.
Forgive my impertinent behavior,
But how long do you think this paramount can last?

Tell me before I ride off in the sunset –
There’s one thing I never got clear.
How can you claim you’re our savior,
When those who oppose you are
Stepped on, or cut up,
Or simply disappear?

Tell me before you get onto your bus,
Before joining the forgotten brigade.
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time honored way the game is played?

Tell me before you get onto your high horse,
Just what you expect me to do?
I don’t care what the bourgeoise say –
I’m not in business for them,
But to give all my descomesados,
A magical moment or two.

There is evil ever around
Fundamental systems of government, quite incidental.
So what are my chances, of honest advances?
I’d say low.
Better to win by admitting my sin,
Than to lose with a halo …”

-- “Waltz for Eva and Che”, from the musical “Evita”. 


Last Week SU: 5-8-0.  Putrid.
Season to Date SU: 52-51-0.  Unforgivable.

Last Week ATS: 4-7-2.  Bankruptcy awaits.
Season to Date ATS: 47-53-3.  I don’t live in Hallbrook for a reason.

Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: worst NFL rule ever.
Season to Date “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: 3-4-0, both SU and ATS.
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week:

The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets, “Here’s Who NOT To Bet” Best Guesses:

* Bucs (+5) 21, at Vikings 17.  Circle the wagons time for my predicted NFC champion.
* Chargers (-2 ½) 24, at Browns 21.  Circle the wagons time for my predicted AFC champion.
* at Titans (-3 ½) 28, Colts 24.  “Facts Of Life” Game of the Week.
* Patriots (-8) 30, Rams 20 (London).  God forbid the NFL ever export a watchable game.
* at Eagles (-1 ½) 31, Falcons 20.  Reid 13-0 all time after the bye.  Unreal stat that will grow.
* at Bears (-9) 31, Panthers 20.  Would you trade a conditional second for Cam?  I would.
* Seahawks (+1) 31, at Lions 30.  Might be the best game of the day.  Other than the Sunday nighter.
* at Steelers 34, Redskins (+4 ½) 31.  Still a chance both teams appear at Arrowhead next year.
* at Cowboys (pick) 35, Giants 30.  A result that throws a wacky NFC into abject chaos. at the midpoint.
* at broncos 38, Saints (-8) 34.  To Whom It May Concern: I am stating this now, to be on the record: if ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE, at the postgame party attempts to interrupt my watching this game for even 2/1000ths of a second, you are going to regret it.  I am GEEKED for this game.  Manning v Brees for likely the final time, and I’m so geeked, I’m capitalizing Manning for Christ’s sake.  Do.  Not.  Disturb.  Me.  Period.  Just let the dude with three bottles of wine next to him enjoy this game, please.  I’ve had a sh*tty last couple of months in this thing called “real life”.  I want this matchup.  I NEED this game.  I love this sport, even if my favorite team hates me.  Please – Sunday night?  Let me enjoy GREATNESS on display, on both sides of the field.  Thanks in advance, your ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, ol’ pardner, Stevo.
* at Cardinals (+8) 21, 49ers 17.   I don’t care how much you discount the Cards, or how much you hype the 49ers, there ain’t a shot in hell this would be a 14 point spread by the Bay.  And it sure as all hell shouldn’t be an 8 point spread in the facility formerly known as Pink Taco Stadium.  (Yes – that is a true statement.  Pink Taco Stadium used to exist.  I don’t care how easily offended you are, that’s awesome.  Pink Taco Stadium.  The only thing missing is a couple saw-su-age biscuits and 6,000 chicken vaginas.)

The Jets “Eighteen Years Since We Fell for a Fake Spike and Counting!” Prognostication:

* at Jets (-1) 17, Dolphins 14.  I’m 35, the fake spike happened when I was 17, and I am still haunted by it.  Screw you Marino.  I hope Lieutenant Einhorn’s “worst case of hemorrhoids I have EVER SEEN!” gave it to you like nobody’s received it before.

The Chiefs “I Cannot WAIT to See What an “Evita” Song Has To Do With Anything Related to Football” Prediction:

Re-read the words to the first verse of this song above.  There’s four lines that stand out to me:

* “Forgive my impertinent behavior, but how long do you think this pantamount can last?”  To Clark Hunt, our “absentee landlord”.  Sir, forgive my rude line of questioning … but if you’re going to replicate your father’s 40 plus year run at the helm?  Step aside.

I don’t want a Jack Steadman / Jim Schaff run of 1 playoff berth in 17 years while pissing through 8 coaches.  I don’t want to go 18 years (and counting!) without a playoff win.  If “January 16, 1994” is not printed at the top of EVERY directive you issue to ANYONE in this organization, as in “folks, this is the last time we won a playoff game, and I’ll be DAMNED if that’s my legacy”?  If that’s not your focus, step aside.  Give us an owner who wants to win, not fleece us for every cent we don’t have.

* “How can you claim you’re our savior, when those who oppose you are stepped on, or cut up, or simply disappear?”  To Scott Pioli: sir, forgive ignorance … but how exactly do you think treating your paying customers (to say nothing of your direct report employees) worse than an overseer would have treated a runaway in 1859 South Carolina is HELPING the cause?  You screwed the pooch at the only – again, the ONLY! – two positions that matter on a NFL roster: the quarterback, and the head coach.

And sir?  I say this as someone who not only would not fire you, I wrote a whole damned fake mailbag last week DEFENDING you!  (And trashing your head coach, but his “moment of glory” is coming shortly.)

I mean, are you kidding me?  Again, I wouldn’t fire you (at least not yet) … but how in the hell can ANY NFL general manager enter a season with Matt Cassel and Brady Quinn (and (gulp) Ricki Stanzi) as his quarterback crew and conclude “you know what, we’re good, no need to upgrade”.  I mean, are you on crack?  Meth?  LSD?  Because if that’s your defense, that you were so baked on some controlled substance that you entered “Bizarro Game Film World”, where sh*tty quarterbacks look good, and offering Drew Brees 5 years, $105 million, or peyton manning 3 years at $80 million seems stupid? 

And please sir – spare me the numbers crunch.  We all know you have to overpay to get top flight talent to come to Kansas City.  You have $21 million in cap room for a reason sir – to USE IT! 

You are required by the CBA, beginning next year, to spend AT LEAST 97% of your available cap room on player costs.  AT LEAST 97%.  Why the hell didn’t you get a head start on the field and take a flyer on, I don’t know, either one of the two franchise quarterbacks on the market?  Jesus God above, does anyone at One Arrowhead Drive think with the head on top of their neck?  (As opposed to the head … I’ll stop there.  I’m keeping this no worse than NC17.)

* “Tell me before you get onto your high horse, just what you expect me to do?”  To Romeo Crennel – I expect you to, at a bare minimum, be COMPETENT at your job.  In the real world, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, ol’ Romeo?  We have this wonderful rating system in which 99.99% of us are judged to “meet expectations” every year.  That sir, that is what I want from you.

To simply get the check mark next to “meets expectations” on your annual review.

The sad thing is, sir?  Every Chiefs fan reading this, or living this abortion of a season*, sadly WOULD check “meets expectations” next to your performance so far.  We expected a buffoon who, in the words of Shakespeare, was “full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing”.  We got it.

(*: one – I promise, only one – side political rant: Republican hopefuls for the Senate?  SHUT.  UP.  ABOUT.  ABORTION.  Please.  I am BEGGING you.  You are literally pissing away the landslide of a nation’s history by opening your mouths about things you’re too damned idiotic to explain.  Here, let me help you.  The next time some journalist asks you a question about your position on abortion, here’s how you answer: “Let me be clear: my position is the same as it was four years ago.”  That’s ALL you have to say.  Don’t attempt to explain, don’t clarify, Christ – don’t even make eye contact.  Just REPEAT that to EVERY QUESTION they ask, especially if it’s about abortion.  If it’s a good enough answer for them out of the President?  Then MAKE them accept it out of you.  12 days until National Firing Day.  13 days until National Rioting Day.  I am SO looking forward to stealing my new flat screen from some overrun pawn shop on Troost or the Paseo come 2am a week from Wednesday …)

And finally:

* “Better to win by admitting my sin, than to lose with a halo.”

Yes.  YES IT IS!

Sunday, we are facing a franchise, an organization, that PRIDES itself on just three words:

“Just Win, Baby!”

Chiefs Organization?  Decision makers?  Ownership?  Players, coaches, towel boys?


If there’s one thing* I’ve learned over the last few months of my life, it is this: the ends ALWAYS justify the means.  Doesn’t matter how much someone bends you over and sticks it in there – the ends ALWAYS justify the means.  If the collateral damage doesn’t like it? 

Doesn’t matter – the ends ALWAYS justify the means.

(*: I’m being serious here for a moment – is anyone else laughing their ass off … at Obama trying to plug the holes in the dam as more and more damning emails, correspondence, and other assorted forms of communication are released showing everyone OTHER than him gave a damn about security in Libya?  You are?  Sweet!  Thank God!  12 days to go.  (pause).  (talking to the official “Stevo’s Site Numero Dos” editor).  What?  What do you mean, I said I wouldn’t go there?  (pause).  Oh for the love of God, who actually reads these sidebars?  Who cares what I promised one sidebar ago?  The ends justifies the means!  Vote Romney!  Fire Barry!)

Chiefs?  Guys?  Beginning December 31, 2012, you should aim to “Just Win”.

Until then?

Take verse two to heart, because it’s what EVERY Chiefs fan feels right now, Mr. Hunt / Mr. Pioli / Mr. Baffoon:

“Tell me before I seek worthier pastures,
And thereby restore self esteem.
How can you be so short-sighted?
To look never further,
Than this week or next week,
To have no impossible dream?

Allow me to help you slink off to the sidelines,
And mock your adieu with three cheers! …”

Just ignore the finish to the verse that the braintrust, and man, do I use that term more loosely than a $10 hooker is, uuh, down there – just ignore the finish.  Because while we feel the beginning of the verse … we root for an organization that embraces the ending:

“Just tell me who’d be delighted,
If I said I’d take on the world’s biggest problems,
From war to pollution, no hope of solution,
Even if I lived for one hundred years!”

Mr. Hunt?  Mr. Pioli?  Mr. Baffoon?  Mr. Quinn?  Mr. Winston?  Dude who scans our parking pass at Gate 6?  Gal who scans my ticket at Gate H?  Chica who sells me the crappiest, most watered down, worthless vodka and Sprite $12 can buy?

You don’t have one hundred years.

You have 100 days.

I give you a pass for 2012.  After Sunday?  If Sunday is a loss (and it … wait, can’t spoil it yet)?  If Sunday is this team's 29th loss in 41 outings, their 12th loss in their last 15 home games?  Their sixth straight home defeat to their hated arch-rivals?

Then noone who figures to be on this team in 36 months, should see the field going forward. 

Put the whole damned future on IR.  Sign every practice squad player.  Start Stanzi.  Start this Nate Eachus dude who’s shockingly decent.  Locate Steve Breaston, wherever he’s been lost at, and put him in the lineup.

Lose every game going forward guys, if you lose on Sunday.

Except for one.

Promise me you’ll beat denver at home?

And I’ll give you that hundred years you want.

One last note: “on condition of anonymity”, Steve’s Site Numero Dos’ official gate person has confirmed the gates really are opening no later than 8:30.  For a 3pm kickoff.  Folks?  They’re BEGGING us to show up and let them have it.

So do it.  Show up.  LET THEM HAVE IT.  I am doing my part: I gave my extra to a raiders fan.  Our tailgating crew is carrying out at least 9 raiders fans with us.  And I’m showing up to boo(ze).  Heavily.

It’s ok to boo these guys.  God knows I am.

And besides – I’ll just say this.  If you can’t bring yourself to laugh at the product on the field?  Then at least laugh at us dumb enough to show up to watch it. There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s “I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry at this” insulting.  Again, in “real life”?  I’m at the “I can’t tell if I should laugh or cry, this is so embarrassingly pathetic” when it comes to one aspect of it**.  But with the Chiefs?  It’s laugh time. 

Because it hurts too much to cry.

If EVER a game has “qualified” as being so epically sh*tty, so utterly unwatchable, that even though I’ve already paid for me AND a buddy to watch this?  That’d I’d rather be watching a six hour marathon block on “TV One” or “Nick at Nite”?

It’s this one.

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?  Good Times!!!!  (or not).

(**: I’m in stage fifteen of  “wait, this happened?!?!” delusion: deadman hanging humor.  Hey -- it beats stage 12 (unchecked rage), stage 13 (using the HHH Memorial Sledge Hammer on myself), and stage 14 (going on a bender).  Up next: stage 16 (yo man, you like, got some like, weed?  I really like, need it to, like, mellow out and sh*t.  Like, what, what do you want for, like, an ounce, man?  Because I’m like, totally, totally good for it in, like, a week, I like, swear!  I’m like, totally serious and sh*t man!  Like, come on, like, I need this!)  God I miss “The Couch” sometimes.)

* raiders (pick) 45, at Chiefs 13.  What do you set the over/under for arrests at, 500?  556?  I mean, SEVEN HOURS of tailgating?!?!  Is Scott Pioli ASKING to be hung in effagy?  (stevo getting a rock solid thought in his head for the first time in a while.)  On second thought, that might be the show NBC should pick up to slam into the Tuesdays at 10/9 central slot: “Hanging NFL GM’s In Effagy”.  Carolina or Cleveland could be the premiere episode’s focus!  Oh.  They already cut the rope.  My bad …

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