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The Statisticals.
(Note: no Week Ten Picks were submitted due to real-life issues that trumped posting them.)
Last Week SU: 8-6-0.
Season to Date SU: 89-59-1.
Last Week ATS: 6-8-0.
Season to Date ATS: 82-66-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: two whiffs.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 7-6-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 8-5-0.
This Week Upset / Week: Believe in chaos folks. I love four AFC upsets this week (as you'll see below) ... but the one I'm most confident of, is Rams (+3) over Ravens.
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The Non-Chiefs Picks.
* Byes: Chiefs, "Super" Chargers, Vikings, "Super" Cardinals. Yeah, there isn't anything "Super" about either of the "Super" teams, is there.
* at Texans (-3 1/2) 24, Colts 20. If I have to pick one of these two places to travel to on the second weekend in January, I'm picking Houston 110 times out of 100. The last weekend in May? Give me Indy every time. But second weekend in January? This is a no brainer.
Also, Deshaun Watson in prime time equals Stevo drooling into his Drink O' The Week on the couch. Jesus, I love this kid.
* at Browns (-11) 31, Dolphins 14. The Browns continue to creep back into the wild card conversation. (And if the Upset O' The Week hits, the divisional race as well.)
Also, as an aside, what a disaster Tua's injury last week was. Not just for the Crimson Tide (which I could care less about, unless it involves them losing) and college football in general (which I could care less about, for the most part), but for the kid's future (which I root for) and the NFL in general (which I greatly care about).
As Rany pointed out on Twitter, if you don't feel for the kid, then you don't remember the injury that ended Vincent Edward Jackson's career for all intents and purposes. And if you didn't have a man crush on Vincent Edward Jackson when you were 12, 13 years old, as a kid growing up in Kansas City? If you didn't have to ask your dad "wait, is it actually OK to boo this dude?" as he was introduced as a raider at Arrowhead?
Then damn, did you miss out on one fun childhood.
Bo was never the same after David Fulcher tackled him in that playoff win over the Bengals. Here's hoping and praying we won't be saying the same thing about Tua in a couple years.
* those people (+4) 24, at Bills 17. Keep playing hard for vic, those people. Please! I implore you! Keep playing just well enough to lose! Keep this worthless head coach around for another season! (To say nothing of the antichrist, which you employ as your general manager! Please! Let him keep making draft picks for as long as I draw breath on this planet!)
Also, am I the only one beyond geeked at destroying drew lock's career before it even begins on December 15th? Ryan Leaf Junior!
* Steelers (-6 1/2) 41, at Bengals 10. Probably a good thing Vontaze Burfict won't be on the field. Because if he was, there's no way he'd hit Mason Rudolph with the padded part of his helmet, like Myles Garrett did.
* at Bears (-6) 13, Giants 3. (fidelity ad guy voice) Why not?
* at Jets (+2 1/2) 20, raiders 6. If the Chiefs have to play on my 43rd birthday weekend, please, dear God, let it be hosting the raiders. The NFL needs a Chiefs / raiders playoff game like I need a Jacked Up right now. (Pause). Hang on. (stevo heading to his liquor cabinet ...)
* at Saints 34, Panthers (+10) 27. Raise your hand if you had the Saints as the first team to clinch their division. (Pause). Yeah. Win their next two, and the South is over before December. And to think everyone thinks the AFC South is the biggest joke of a division the NFL rolls out every year.
* at "Shane" Falcons (-4) 34, Bucs 20. If the "Shane" Falcons played in the AFC, I'd wager on them to steal the six seed. There's no way, though, the NFC will collapse enough to let them back into the wild card race.
* Lions (-3 1/2) 17, at Redskins 6. Lest you think only I make fun of "Sur" William Callahan's utter unwillingness to give a sh*t about winning a football game, peoples and peepettes, I give you "Not Sur" Will Brinson of CBS Sportsline, in this week's gambling column:
"Bill Callahan just can't be trusted to care about winning ..." (cue every Nebraska football, raider football, and general degenerate gambling fan, nodding in complete agreement.)
* at Eagles (-1 1/2) 17, Seahawks 14 (OT). I don't get the Eagles offense. At all. I also don't get Carson Wentz' obsession with getting his right arm inked up. If my name was Carson Wentz, I'd spend more time getting my right arm strong enough to complete a pass five yards downfield to a wide open Zach Ertz, instead of getting another bengal tiger-type stripe tatted on it. But then again, my name isn't Carson Wentz, so do want you want to, young dude. You aren't hurting anything other than my bank account with that arm, after all!
* at Titans (-3) 28, Jaguars 20. I'd be fine welcoming either of these teams to Arrowhead to open January. Because one we already beat handily, and the other one surely can't win a fifth straight (counting playoffs) against the Chiefs, can they?
* Cowboys (+6) 38, at Patriots 17. This line is ridiculous. The Cowboys would be a push at Jerry World? Come on. The Patriots are dropping their next three to throw the AFC into abject chaos at the top. Here's the first of those three.
* at 49ers (-3) 45, Packers 13. This line could be twenty and I'd bet the 49ers. I love them in this spot. The 49ers are the best team in the NFC. They're one missed field goal away from being 10-0. The Packers are good ... but they're not winning at Fake Candlestick Sunday night. I don't even think they'll be competitive.
* at Rams (+3) 30, Ravens 27. The line seems right ... but the wrong team is favored.
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
If you believe the general rumor mill and 810 WHB corporate speak ... then either El Kaptain Klassy is a klassic liar ... or kompletely klueless about things.
First, from Monday night, and please, read the three tweets in order from bottom to top:
So wait. You're fired for ripping "Fat" Andy's alleged lack of institutional kontrol (of both the Khiefs and his own kids) ... and you're still ripping "Fat" Andy's alleged lack of institutional kontrol five months later, over one play that wasn't even penalized? I'd ask if "K"KK will ever learn his lesson, but kome on, we all know the answer to that question. And that answer is a kertified "hell no".
But as if that wasn't Klassic Kev at his finest ... this one takes the kake:
Wait -- if you're fired (with kause!) from your place of employment, then how the hell do you have a non-kompete klause as part of your kompensation package you get for being kicked out to the proverbial kurb? I'll grant you, I've never been fired (but I have been laid off). And I did have a non-kompete klause in my layoff from my most recent former employer. That non-kompete was for ninety days. That's it.
The longest non-kompete I can think of in the Kansas Kity market was Gary Lezak, who had to sit out (I believe) six months when he moved from FOX 4 to KSHB 41 a few years ago. Ol' Kevin was relieved of his duties in late June. Even assuming a six month non-kompete, that means he could be back on the air to start the new year if he so chose. Also, just because you accept a non-kompete klause doesn't mean you can't accept another job in the industry during the non-kompete period! It just means you can't start the new job until the non-kompete expires!
So, to recap: Uno Sin Pantalones is still engaging in public trashing of "Fat" Andy Reid, which is what got him fired in the first place ... and is now claiming he can't return to broadcasting because of a non-kompete klause, which is an utter and total bullsh*t lie that any person with an IQ above that of a slot jockey at Ameristar at 2:30 on a Tuesday morning can see right through. Because (a) people who get fired, don't have to deal with non-kompete klauses, and (b) if anyone wanted you? They're hire you with the express knowledge that you kouldn't broadkast until your non-kompete expired (likely in late December / early January)!
I swear, this guy was more likable when he was trying to (stewie griffin voice) roo-een everyone else's life, rather than allowing us to watch him (stewie griffin voice) roo-een his own.
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The Watching Party Plans.
There are no The Watching Party Plans, as the Chiefs are on a bye this week.
The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as the Chiefs are on a bye this week.
The Flashback.
There is no The Flashback, as the Chiefs are on a bye this week.
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Stevo Neighborhood Update.
So I actually tried to be productive last Saturday. I hauled a rake out of the shed, and decided to clean up the yard of all the leaves on it, since The 8228 is about the only house on the street with leaves on the lawn.
Now, I live in South Waldo. The front yard is maybe -- on a good day -- twenty feet by twenty feet. I have no back yard (my part of the 'hood is built like they do in north Dallas, with back alleyways instead of back yards).
Sixteen f*cking Westlake leaf and grass refuse bags full later, the yard was maybe half raked.
I gave up. Then I did what I should have in the first place: hauled the mower out, and mowed that postage stamp the city claims is taxable acreage.
The lesson? Always half-ass it, if you can. Oh, and if doing a task one way allows you to enjoy a frosty cold Shiner Bock, and the other way doesn't? Always choose the option with the beer.
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"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.
Sadly, I got nothing this week.
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Stevo Drink O' The Week.
Flash back with me to the last half of 1998 (aka "my favorite eight months of my life ... so far".)
One of the major highlights of that stretch of time, was the greatest alcohol purchase of my life, when between "Tony Gonzalez", "Cocoa" Vineet, and myself, we bought out every case of Heineken the Tom Thumb on Collins and Green Oaks had, at pushing 2am on a Thursday night / Friday morning, right about this time of year, actually.
In honor of that milestone now being old enough to drink itself (dear God, that was twenty one years ago?!?!?!) ... this week's Stevo Drink O' The Week is Heineken. Not light, not holiday, not some one-off style, but original Heineken. I hadn't had one in a while before buying some the other night to enjoy. And honestly?
I'd forgotten just how much I enjoy that fine libation.
I have a feeling I'll be having a few more this weekend.
Because ...
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The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Well, if the Chiefs can't at least tie bye, then who can they beat? (rimshot!) Oh God love ya, what am I talking about! * I tell you what, stand up for Chuck! (rimshot!)
(*: seriously, Joe Biden actually said he kept "punching at it, and punching at it, and punching at it" to pass the Violence Against Women Act through Congress last night. Jesus. I mean, are you serious? This is the best my party has to offer to beat "House of Wings"?!?!?! No wonder I'm leaning more and more towards Mayor Pete. Because Good Lord above, describing passing a violence act as "punching at it, and punching at it, and punching at it" through Congress, is damned near the dumbest thing to ever come out of Vice President (general petraeus voice) "Bite Me"'s mouth.)
In all seriousness though, just like the Chiefs are taking the week off and getting the hell out of town for some rest and relaxation?
I'm going to do the same thing.
(hootie and the blowfish voice) Sha la la la! Sha la la la! I'm going home!
I'm going home!!!!
Well, my adopted home.
Cue it, UT Marching Band!
"The Eyes of Texas are Upon You!
All the Live Long Day!
The Eyes of Texas are Upon You!
You Cannot Get Away!
Do Not Think You Can Escape Them!
From Rising Early In the Morn!
The Eyes of Texas are Upon You!
'Til Gabriel Blows His Horn!!!!"
(Or if you prefer ...)
Yea Orange! Yea White!
Yea Longhorns! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Texas Fight! Texas Fight! Yea Texas Fight!
Texas Fight! Texas Fight! Yea Texas Fight!
The Eyes of Texas are Upon You!
All the Live Long Day!
The Eyes of Texas are Upon You!
You Cannot Get Away!
Texas Fight! Texas Fight!
For It's Texas That We Love Best!
Hail! Hail! The Gang's All Here!
And It's Goodbye To All the Rest!!!!"
(Note: I prefer the second version. #texasforever)
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I depart tomorrow for a weekend in the Metroplex, where on paper the highlight is taking in the Blackhawks ** / Stars game Saturday night.
(**: yo, Ol' Pete King? You're a NHL fan (he loves his Devils)! If you rail every week against the Redskins being a racist team name, where the f*ck are you against the Blackhawks team name? (Utter and total silence.) I love liberal hypocrites. And there's few bigger ones in this life, than Ol' Pete King of NBC Sports.)
The real highlight though -- and given this weekend has been in the planning stages since April, when the Stars began their amazing playoff run -- is that I'll see the college roommate for the first time in pushing a decade this weekend.
And so, to channel my inner Sam Mellinger, that is what I am thankful for this Bye Week(end): that two kids who met twenty five years ago, when we were paired as roommates to open our freshman year, are still somehow standing twenty five years later. Still rock solid friends. Still there for each other -- although I've needed Vineet far more than he's needed me, in this life. (Which, sadly, is probably true about every rock star friendship I have, but whatever. Y'all love me for the abject f*ck up and failure I usually am, right? Right? (crickets chirping ...))
Eighteen years ago, we had to grow up way too quick; Vineet is my friend who survived 9/11. We swore after that, that we'd never go a year without meeting up. We kept that promise for a solid six, seven years ... and then, like with most things in life, that promise kind of fell through.
Friday night, the promise is renewed! It should be fun! It might be epic!
(It definitely will be drunk and/or crunk!)
And oh yeah -- that front yard on Catalpa Street is going to be awfully dusty when "New Tito" pulls up about 6pm tomorrow. I mean, someone really should Swiffer the grass, to keep the tear ducts from welling up from "allergies", when the door of the Jeep and the door of the house open up ...
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