“Crazy, but I’m relieved this time.
Begging for sweet relief,
A blessing in disguse.
Dying behind these tired eyes.
I’ve been losing sleep,
Please come to me tonight.
Hands on a miracle!
I’ve got my hands on a miracle!
Believe it or not, hands on a miracle!
And there AIN’T NO WAY!!!,
That you can take it away …”
-- “Miracle” by Foo Fighters, how I really feel about yesterday’s epic victory and it’s aftermath. But … can I REALLY go with that as the intro, after the beyond epic Chrismukkah gift the Chiefs PA office gave us? (pause …) Nope. Let’s do this:
“You take the grey skies out of my way!
You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day!
Turned a bright spark into a flame!
My beats per minute never been the same!
‘Cause you’re my lady, and I’m your fool!
It makes me crazy when you act so cruel!
Come on baby, let’s not fight!
We’ll go dancing, everything will be alright!
Wake me up, before you go-go!
Don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo!
Wake me up, before you go-go!
I don’t want to miss it when you hit that high!
Wake me up before you go-go!
‘Cause I’m not planning on flying solo!
Wake me up before you go-go girl!
Take me dancing tonight!!! …”
-- “Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)” by Wham! Yes, the Chiefs PA dude really did introduce the Green Bay Packers yesterday by playing Wham! I thought it was epically awesome. Little did I know it was the first shot of a day noone who was there will ever forget …
---------------------------------
Well, give the Chiefs this – they NEVER fail to surprise you. Just when you think you have this team figured out, they go out and absolutely dominate the previously unbeaten Green Bay Packers. If you were there, congratulations – like me, you witnessed the single most shocking, surprising, unexpected Chiefs victory in franchise history that, coupled with a few surprising outcomes out west, ensures the Chiefs postseason goose isn’t quite cooked yet.
There was not one legitimate reason to believe the Chiefs would, or even could, win this contest. In fact, earlier this week, the following text conversation occurred between me and “The Voice of Reason”:
(stevo) official orton starts
(gregg) like it matters at all
(stevo) no sh*t
Which is what made Sunday so special.
The entire fourth quarter, as the mood in the stadium amongst both fanbases turned from “holy sh*t, is this actually happening???” to “holy sh*t, this IS actually happening!!!”, I had a strange feeling that I’d seen this before. And it hit me, after Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy inexplicably refused to toss the challenge flag on Pope’s fumble a few minutes earlier, near the end of the third quarter.
Cincinnati, 2003.
When Gregg and I made a 500 plus mile journey to the River City, to watch our 9-0 Chiefs take on the hapless Bengals. And I spent the entire fourth quarter (a) seeking security after some drunken fan decked me, and (b) like the other 60% of the stadium that day that was clad in Red and Gold, wondering how the hell this happened. How the hell did an also ran rise up and beat the (at that moment) NFL’s best?
Yesterday, I felt the emotions running through me that those Bengals fans felt eight years ago. The pride, the absolute pride and joy in seeing your team, the scrappy underdog, that didn’t have a shot in you-know-where, go out and absolutely boatrace a far superior team for 59 ½ minutes. (I’ll give Green Bay this: they had one quality drive early in the third quarter to take the lead … a lead they held for about 33 seconds).
I mean, and maybe I just view this differently because I was (brent musburger voice) looking live at the scene, but has a 6-0 lead ever felt more comfortable? When the Chiefs finally punched it in to go up 19-7 with a little over five to play, did anyone honestly believe Green Bay could score two touchdowns on our defense? And maybe because success on the field breeds confidence in the stands, did anyone actually doubt we’d get the first down after recovering the onside kick (adventures in officiating! Holy crap, was Gene Stenatore’s crew inept yesterday or what)?
From the moment this thing got going, a little before 7 at the entrance to Gate 6, to the moment it finally closed down, at a back table at Fun House on 350 a little after 9, this day just reeked of epicness, of incredibleness, of what CAN be with this town, with this team riding high. As best I can do it, here’s your recap of the most unexpected Chiefs victory of my lifetime …
* Although to be fair, as multiple people noted after the game, I had spent the entire tailgate noting that “the last time a defending Super Bowl champion opened 13-0, they lost on the road to a 5-8 squad”. I kept mentioning that solely and completely because that Super Bowl champion, was your cheating denver broncos, who if Paul Tagliabue had an ounce of integrity and respect for the sport, would have stripped those (plural c word, and it rhymes with “bunts”) of their Lombardi Trophies for circumventing the salary cap, for cheating to win. But why let integrity and respect for the game get in the way of “this one’s for john!”
* Yes, I have seen the tiebreaker scenarios. Yes, I know exactly who to root for on Saturday and why. Yes, I fully believe a Chiefs / broncos season finale with a home playoff game on the line, might lead me to literally keel over dead of a heart attack. So I’m not going to mention it (for a few pages or so), beyond hoping that Chris Berman is invited to give the pregame speech to the Bills on Saturday to remind them that “NOBODY circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!”
* We arrived at the gates a little bit before 7. I counted seven on the bus yesterday – myself, Susan, Russ and Mona, Anthony and his dad. OK, six. What can I say, I’m an accountant, math isn’t my strongest skill set (rimshot!) No, wait, I was right, seven – forgot Joe was there. Whew.
* Should probably back up for a minute to Saturday, because it was a total “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” kind of day. I slept in Saturday, finally getting up and moving around noon. I had to buy stuff for tailgating, plus had a couple Christmas parties, so I head to the Walmart on 350 about 1pm to buy some vodka, Gatorade, and other assorted needs.
I push the cart into the checkout line, not even paying a lick of attention, when who’s in front of me? Mickey, Amy and Owen! It is a small world after all! But wait, it gets even better! Because I wanted some Lakefront IPA for yesterday (more on this in a minute), so I head to the one place out my way guaranteed to carry it: the HyVee on Gregory and 350. I park the car, am strolling into the liquor store, and who is walking in right next to me? Tyler! As I noted when I got to my table at the Double Christmas lunch / boozefest: “if one more random person walks in here, I’m buying lottery tickets”.
* The Double Christmas bash was pretty sweet. Everyone’s favorite little Lounge that could! Plenty of food, cheap booze, and unfortunately, more smoke than you’d find in the old apartment at 9pm on a typical Tuesday night back in college. You couldn’t see clearly 20 feet away. Again, I cannot believe how anti-smoking I’ve become, because it seems like I live in various bars, depending on where I’m living at that point in my life. But they cannot ban public smoking in Raytown soon enough.
* OK, back to the pregame. We got the stereo up and going. The spiked hot chocolate was going down real smooth, at least by me. About 7:30ish, someone goes “hey, they’re opening the gates!” I head down, find our gate attendant, and he goes “yeah, Wayne said 8. Said at least one guy at this gate would appreciate it”. Yup, one guy definitely did. Thanks, champ!
* Not much to report from the next hour, until Ray and his crew arrived a little before 9. Other than I lost again at washers. With Russ as my partner. Russ had never played the game before. It showed. I scored all 5 of our points. I’m beginning to think I am an awful, awful, awful washers player.
* Ray and his crew arrived a little before 9. And then it was on like Donkey Kong. He couldn’t fry the fish fast enough. I can say this knowing some folks reading this will nod their heads and go “yup”, but I am not a big eater. I graze. I pick at food, even if I’m starving. Its probably why I weigh only 160 pounds even though I’m pushing 6 feet tall.
Having said that, it was a freaking free-for-all for the fish between me and Anthony. We were tallying up where we were at. “Ooh, I’m at 5!” “Just beat you! 6!” Could not get enough, and I wasn’t the only one – nearly $100 in cod was gone, done-zo, by 10am. Literally as soon as Ray pulled it out of the deep fryer, people were grabbing it.
Job well done sir. Job well done.
* “The Voice of Reason” and his dad showed up a little bit before we broke things down and headed in. Always good to see good people doing, uuh, good.
* KC Wolf sketch: dressed up as Dorothy, kicking Green Bay fan’s ass, aided by a conveniently and strategically placed ATV. I loved it.
* I have no clue who did the National Anthem … but kudos for stalling for fifteen, twenty seconds to sync up the flyover to coincide with “home of the … CHIEFS!” And I say this as someone who continues to state that flyovers are the biggest waste of money known to mankind.
* The Wham! Entrance for the Packers. I literally started crying from laughing so hard. I love that our PA guy has a sense of humor.
* OK, the game highlights, lowlights, and praise of one of THE funnest halftime shows I have ever been privileged enough to witness.
* Pack win the toss, choose to defer. As someone who appreciates history, I was thrilled with this – the last time the Chiefs pulled an upset even approaching this one, Pittsburgh made the same stupid move and gave us the ball first. Jamaal Charles returned the opening kickoff for seven. This year? Touchback. Damned five yards closer on the initial ball spot for kickoffs rule.
* Chiefs open at their own 20, and the first two plays gave you no reason to hope. Ol’ TJ offtackle for one. McClain up the middle for one. And then, like someone smacked him across the back of the head, DiNozzo style, Bill Muir woke up. A great crossing call to Copper for 10 and the first. The Chiefs kept marching, kept driving, finally settling for three and the early lead after having goal to go at the one. I was perfectly fine with kicking the field goal – against a superior opponent, take the points early and often, and don’t apologize for doing so.
* And the Chiefs D responds with a three and out! Unfortunately, we’re flagged for a blatant roughing the punter penalty that should have someone unemployed this morning. Thankfully, the defense holds again, forcing a very long (and completely unmakeable) Packers field goal attempt from 59. And ONCE AGAIN, special teams bites us in the ass, as we had 12 men on the field for the attempt. At this point, I turned to the guy next to me in abject horror. It’s Cleveland Browns Football from 2008 all over again!!! Inept penalties, stupid mistakes, brain farts, you’d think Romeo Crennel was our head coach!!! Oh. Wait. He is? (sawyer voice) Son of a b*tch!
* Thankfully, Crosby misses again, this time from 54. The wind in the west end zone was beyond tricky to gauge yesterday. Crosby was 0 for 2. Succup was (barely) 1 for 1.
* Chiefs take over with the short field at their own 44, 45, and here we go! They faced one third down on the entire drive, and that was at the Packers 14. Succup good again, this time from 32, and the Chiefs lead 6-0.
More importantly, at least to me? We’ve not only gone 2 for 2 in scoring on offensive possessions (albeit field goals), we’ve overcome FOUR insane brain farts already (the two special teams penalties, throwing the ball both times on goal to go at the one). Sometimes in this league, you win on skill. Sometimes, you win because your coach puts a clown suit on the other guy (like Romeo’s D did yesterday to McCarthy’s O). And sometimes, you win because you pull sh*t out of your ass that nobody sees coming. Overcoming four moronic decisions in the first 12 minutes of play? Is definitely the equivalent of pulling something out of your backside.
* Packers take over, manage to drive to midfield, and have to punt again. As someone who not only loves the phrase “defense wins championships”, but believes it to his inner core, watching Romeo’s guys yesterday gave me chills. Standing toe-to-toe with the likely NFL MVP, and frustrating the hell out of him, was a perfect Chrismukkah gift I definitely won’t be returning.
* At this point, we’re already 17 minutes in, Green Bay has yet to cross the Chiefs 40, and we’ve got the ball with a chance to do some serious damage. And to Bill Muir (who called the game of his LIFE yesterday) and Kyle Orton’s credit, they grabbed ahold of what the Pack gave them at this point, again driving the length of the field (drive started at the KC 15), again moving the ball at will (only two 3rd downs on a 15 play drive), again taking advantage of a rock solid short passing game to simply keep making plays.
Having said that … I COMPLETELY disagreed with going for it on 4th and goal at the 2 on this drive. I must have texted at least 20 times in the second half yesterday that “this game is over if we kick in 2nd qtr”. Because it would have been. Look it, I generally love the “riverboat gambler” mentality Coach Hobo brought to this team, because (a) if I was alive 150 years ago, I’d absolutely be earning a living as a riverboat gambler, and because (b) when you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose.
But in that spot, in that situation? The Chiefs DID have something to lose, and that’s a gimme two possession game. There’s 3:30 on the clock before halftime. To go up two possessions there means you’re virtually guaranteed the lead at the half. If nothing else, psychologically, it inspires your fans to want to see what awaits after halftime. To say nothing of the fact that if your defense keeps playing at the level they have so far, two scores might be insurmountable. (And go figure, it was). Dumb decision to go for it there.
* After stopping the Chiefs on goal to go, Green Bay takes over at their own 3. And in the fifth of the “what the hell was this joker thinking?!?!” moments that nobody else will blog / report / criticize on, Romeo Crennel calls timeout after stuffing the Packers on 2nd down. No, that wasn’t the “what the hell was this joker thinking?!?!” moment, as the Chiefs had two timeouts left, and with Green Bay at their own three, you absolutely try to maximize the field position.
The “what the eff is this clown thinking?!?!” moment came on 3rd down, as the Chiefs did NOT call timeout after a 9 yard Packers gain. To say I was coming emotionally unhinged, screaming “call timeout you dumb f*ck!” at the Chiefs sideline while constantly signaling for a timeout with my hands, is an understatement. This was STUPID. That’s FIVE fireable offenses by Romeo and/or his staff in the first half … and we’d hit the locker room up 6-0. Unbelievable.
* Chiefs get it back after the two minute warning at their own 17, 18 yard line … and Mike McCarthy starts channeling his inner Romeo Crennel, by having a complete brain fart and not calling timeout after second down (he did after first and third). Ultimately, it didn’t matter, as Green Bay went three and out. (And even more incredibly, Romeo had a smart moment! After Rodgers threw incomplete on 3rd and 2, we somehow had 12 men in the huddle for the punt. Romeo whizzed away our last timeout to save the penalty. It ensured an all or nothing return … but at least confirmed he had a pulse. That he wasn’t Art Shell Jr. So to recap: that’s SEVEN incredible brain farts / stupid decisions by Chiefs coaches, players, and/or both … and we’re WINNING 6-0 at the half! As I told the guy next to me yesterday: “we don’t deserve this”. As he replied: “yup”.
(Note: for those of you who are on board with hiring Romeo after Sunday’s win, please, re-read the previous two pages of writing. SEVEN horrendous coaching decisions in 30 minutes of play. If you hire Romeo, you’re hiring Herm Junior. I’m ok with it – I wouldn’t have fired Herm in the first place. But if Herm frustrated you, I would strongly suggest you not get on board the Romeo bandwagon.)
* Halftime! Normally, I am more than willing to rip the dumb ass halftime routines even more than your average bear. Every year, we have to sit through (pick five) Jazzercise (because dudes in tights rock), the Mayor’s Ethnic Enrichment Council on Native American Relations (yes, this one has actually occurred before), Alumni Weekend (the one that usually rocks), the “inappropriately dressed eight year olds doing their cheerleader routine as a gigantic Christmas tree all but goes down on Mrs. Claus at midfield” (again, happened before), a local college marching band making the field virtually unplayable by marching all over the place (multiple occasions), Frisbee Dogs!!! (the one that I love), sad yet poignant and respectful tributes to Chiefs legends that have tragically passed from our lives (happens way too often), and …
Well, I’d have to defer to “The Voice of Reason” on this … but I can NEVER remember a halftime like yesterday.
We’ve had the Pee Wee League teams on the field before. (Note: its usually my favorite halftime of the year.) But we’ve never had Pee Wee League Fourth Graders from Olathe … taking on Local Area Mascots!!!
KC Wolf? Check. Sluggerrrr? Check. Sizzle? Check. The UMKC Kangaroo? Check. It was the damned funniest thing I have EVER seen in my life. (Pee Wee League 4th Graders won 7-0 in case anyone cares). KC Chiefs organization? Let’s make this a YEARLY occurrence going forward. THAT was fun. If only to see Sizzle blatantly “whiff” on a tackle to tank the game. I meant what I texted to multiple people: I PRAY someone Youtube!’d that. It was hilarious.
* Pack get the ball to open the second half, and I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say, “it was ONLY 6-0?!?!” The Chiefs DOMINATED the first half, and had only six points to show for it. These tend to be the games you kick yourself in the ass over when they end. And for the next four, five minutes, that’s exactly what you were thinking.
* After a pair of three and outs, the Pack take over at their own 46 after a pathetic Dusty C punt that had me questioning if he was as high as Dusty J. (The answer: probably. Sorry champ. That punt was so awful, it entered your stratosphere.) And in a shock to nobody with a functioning brain and an IQ above 9, Aaron Rodgers abused Sabby Piscatelli for a 40 yard gain to get goal-to-go for Green Bay, and promptly abused him again in finding Donald Driver for the go-ahead score. Seriously, can we just cut Sabby now, and pray denver is dumb enough to sign him for the “play and you’re hosting a very beatable Steelers squad, and potentially going to Houston in round two if the Jets handle Baltimore!!!” bowl we’re on a crash course for in 13 days?
(Note: admit it, when I wrote four weeks ago after the Patriots debacle that there was still a decent chance the Chiefs could steal this thing at 9-7, 8-8, host a flawed squad in the wildcard (at the time, I projected Cincy), then travel to Houston in round two, while the Jets or Steelers kept winning on the other side of the bracket, you thought I was nuts. I’m not getting ahead of myself, because I do not believe at this moment that the Chiefs at broncos will be of any consequence to the Red and Gold … but admit it – hosting the Steelers (who we nearly beat with Palko under center), then traveling to Houston (without Schaub and Andre Johnson), and if the Jets keep winning on the road (as they always do in January) … admit it, you’re starting to contemplate a Cardinals-type Super Bowl run, just a little bit, for whatever flawed squad wins this division …)
* And then, just as the annoying Packers fans (who were everywhere yesterday) begin to shout, just as you begin to think “oh yeah, this is why we’re 5-8 and nearly drawing dead” thoughts in your head … Leonard Pope happens. For 40 to midfield. The Chiefs manage to hit the Packers 30 before a penalty, but (shockingly) in a credit to Bill Muir, who again, called the Game of a Lifetime yesterday, he simply took what the D gave him. You want to give me 10 yards to set up a makeable field goal, versus the first down? OK, 20 minutes to play, I’ll take it down one. Which is exactly what happened – 10 yard gain on 3rd down, Succup hits from 46, and the Chiefs retake the lead not even five minutes after Green Bay grabbed it. Huge stand upcoming.
* And the Chiefs hold, after yielding a couple first downs. Get the ball back, again drive inside the five, and take the points to go up 12-7. As I kept noting to everyone I was texting with yesterday, “if wed taken fg in 2nd qtr we’d be in great shape rt now”. As luck would have it, we WERE in great shape at that moment.
* Because the Pack go three and out, Chiefs take over at their own 34, 35, and with a little bit under 10 minutes to play, it’s all there for the taking. So allow me to type a few words in this next paragraph I didn’t envision typing as recently as 48 hours ago.
Bill Muir? Take a bow sir. Because this drive … would have made Don Coryall proud.
The Chiefs faced one third down – 3rd and goal at the 1, which Jackie Battle promptly slammed into the east end zone. And just like that, its 19-7 Chiefs, there’s barely 5 to play, and suddenly you start hearing the “Go Pack Go” chants change a little bit.
To “GO! CHIEFS! GO!” (minus the porno music, sadly).
* Chiefs start playing prevent (sadly), and for a rare occasion, the Pack move the ball, scoring with a little over two minutes to play to pull to within 5. (The EXACT margin of victory when the 2003 Chiefs fell eight years ago to the Bengals. Told you I’d bring it full circle!)
Then … the onside kick happened.
It was an epic ref meltdown, as Gene Stenatore’s crew first (misspotted) the ball, then (incorrectly) tried to penalize Green Bay for kicking it the proper ten years, then (incorrectly) tried to penalize Green Bay for touching said ball beyond ten yards, before (finally and correctly) spotting the ball at the Chiefs 45, 46 yard line. I’ll cut Stenatore some slack – he’s one of the better refs in the league (which is a bit like saying the raiders are a well-run, competently managed franchise), but my God, how do you whiff three times on where the ball should be, on a single play? Someone needs to step in and get NFL officials up to speed before someone goes Tim Donaghy on them.
* The three best plays of the game? Hang on, from NFL.com’s game play-by-play recap:
(1st and 10 at GB 24) Orton kneels for -2 yards.
(2nd and 12 at GB 26) Orton kneels for -1 yards.
(3rd and 13 at GB 27) Orton kneels for -1 yards.
Ballgame.
Season still f*cking on!!! At least for a few more days.
* Postgame, not much special. Some fun at the bus waiting for the parking lot to clear out. We hit up Fun House last night because it sounded good (and tasted as awesome as always. Again, I’m not a big eater, I’m a grazer … and I plowed through half a Meat Lovers large last night.)
And somehow, despite it all, I made it in for a full day of work on Monday.
Which brings me to the closing thought, and it is this:
* Despite EVERYTHING so far this season, we enter Chrismukkah weekend still alive for a playoff berth. And unlike 2006, this isn’t a “throw every damned thing you can find and see if it sticks” 8 separate outcomes go our way scenario. Its as simple as a three way can get!
Buffalo must beat denver. If this doesn’t happen, nothing else matters.
We have to beat oakland. If this doesn’t happen, nothing else matters.
And the Detroit freaking Lions, hosting San Diego, with a playoff berth for the first time since 1999 on the line, in a “win and we’re in, no doubt about it” scenario, would greatly help us with a win. But if they don’t? So long as the first two happen, hope springs eternal.
I joked a few weeks ago about the following facts that nobody can (positively or negatively) dispute:
* for my 10th birthday, the Chiefs had to beat denver (at Arrowhead) to keep hope alive for a playoff berth. They did, winning 37-10, and ultimately clinching their first playoff berth of my lifetime (and first in 15 years).
* for my 16th birthday, the Chiefs had to beat denver (at Arrowhead) in a “winner-takes-last-wildcard” scenario. The Chiefs did, beating denver 42-20, and the donkeys promptly fired Dan Reeves as their head coach. (Should note: this is the game that gave us one of the greatest play calls of all time, after DT sacked, stripped, and recovered elway’s fumble for a touchdown. “Not even Santa Claus can save the denver broncos today!” Oh, let’s pray that’s true again on Saturday …)
* for my 21st birthday, the most painful of them all (since it happened on said 21st birthday), the Chiefs hosted denver in the AFC Divisional Playoffs. I said all week leading into that showdown that “whoever wins is winning this Super Bowl, and probably next year too”. Godd*mmit I hate being right, as denver beat KC 14-10, and won the next two Super Bowls.
* for my 30th birthday, the Chiefs needed a myriad of outcomes to go their way, none more improbable than denver laying down at home and losing to doormat San Francisco (who we’d already beaten 41-0). Somehow, someway, denver blew it, losing in overtime 23-20 and setting off a night of prolific drinking on my part that I have never come close to matching since.
And now, as another “milestone birthday” approaches, and I turn 35 in two weeks? (chris farley in “tommy boy” voice) Well lookie here Richard! IF Buffalo beats denver, and IF Detroit beats San Diego, and IF the Chiefs beat those criminals and thugs known as the raiders?
Then KC at denver decides the division.
I don’t ask for much. But since I got one Chrismukkah miracle, and the Chiefs somehow beat the Packers to keep hope alive, I’m asking for the biggest Chrismukkah miracle of them all.
Chiefs! donkeys! 7:20pm, Sunday, January 1st! With a division title and a rematch with the Steelers in the wildcard round on the line!
Until next time, enjoy the week. And please, avoid talking about the “elephant in the room”, namely that oakland has won four straight at Arrowhead, all in blowout fashion, and it should be eight straight if the first 59 minutes of a game decided the outcome …
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
my list of replacements for coach hobo
Well, that sucked.
I had a 12 page post all ready to go on why Coach should stay. Instead, as I'm finishing up my arguments in favor of a fourth year, my phone starts blowing up with texts from countless folks informing me that the Chiefs have relieved Todd Haley of his duties as head coach.
So allow me a few words regarding Todd Haley, before moving on to (I guess) the new point of today's post, and that is who should replace him.
I was not a fan of the Todd Haley hiring when it went down. I'll be honest up front -- I wanted Mike Shanahan. By the time the denver broncos left town in early December of 2009, after blowing out the Chiefs 34-6 in a game that featured what I still consider to be "the worst play in franchise history", I was calling for his firing immediately. No second season, no third season, don't even contemplate letting him finish out his contract -- in the words of Rage Against the Machine, "f*ck it, cut the cord!"
So you can imagine my surprise that barely 24 months after that post ... that I am furious at this firing this morning.
Todd Haley didn't deserve this. You can argue whether or not his boss deserved this fate (I'm of the opinion that Pioli does not ... yet, anyways), but there is no way in hell Todd Haley deserved this fate.
Did Haley take the wrong approach to the limited offseason and training camp and all of preseason? Absolutely. You can't dispute facts (as much as I try to), and the fact is that this team was woefully underprepared for the regular season. But I can't fault Todd Haley for trying something different. The NFL had NEVER before faced an offseason like the one we just endured. Why not try something different to see if it gains you a competitive advantage? I supported what Coach Haley did. I'm not going to rip him a new one now, for something I agreed with four months ago.
Did Haley rally this team from the brink this season? Oh hell to the yes he did. The first ten quarters of this season, the Chiefs were outscored 99-10, were 0-2, and trailing by double digits at halftime, on the road, against a team that has won the AFC West 5 of the last 7 years (and whose worst record in those 7 years was 9-9 counting playoffs). The next 18 quarters and half an overtime later, the Chiefs sat at 4-3, all alone atop the AFC West.
Did Haley suffer a ridiculous amount of injuries? Absolutely. I mentioned this earlier to someone, but I'll post it here for everyone to read -- I consider Chuck Noll to be the greatest head coach in NFL history. And not even Chuck Noll would have done better than 5-8 without his starting strong safety, starting tight end, starting running back, starting middle linebacker, first round draft pick, starting quarterback, and starting right tackle for significant chunks of time this season. I hate people who use the "injuries are not an excuse" line, because injuries absolutely ARE a legitimate excuse. Ask fans of the 2011 Colts if injuries matter. (While you're at it, ask them also if coaching matters. Ah, Jim Caldwell, you ain't Number 32 in the Stevo Coaches Rankings for nothing!)
You try winning in the NFL with Tyler Palko as quarterback, Jackie Battle as running back, Barry Richardson guarding the blind side, Sabby Piscatelli and Jon McGraw as half of your starting secondary, and Jovan Belcher starting at inside linebacker, instead of Matt Cassel, Jamaal Charles, Ryan Lilja, Eric Berry, Tony Moeaki, and Brandon Siler. Good luck with that.
Was Haley tempermental, a little too emotional, a little too unrestrained? At times, sure. But most good coaches are. I mean, if you're going to rip Todd Haley for having a lack of self-control on the sidelines, for dropping the f bomb constantly on the sidelines, and yet you want Jon Gruden to come here, what are you, a complete hypocrite? Or just mentally retarded? No coach is more unrestrained than Jon Gruden. If you want him to replace Todd Haley, fine by me. God knows we can (and probably will) do worse than Gruden. Just don't use Haley's sideline demeanor as a negative against him, if Gruden is your pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in the coaching race.
The bottom line to me with Todd Haley is this: he probably wasn't ready for the job when he got it ... and he still had his players going as hard as possible for him, even as the losses and injuries mounted this year. You can say last year's division title was a fluke, and I won't disagree with you, but you can't take away the fact that Todd Haley's team won the division. You can hold the fact that he never beat a 10 plus win team against him (0 for 9, assuming the Jets make it to ten, and the Bears don't), but it's not like the Chiefs have the league's most loaded roster, and it's not like we didn't come close -- the Chiefs nearly beat the Cowboys in 2009 (losing in overtime), gave the Colts fits last year, and nearly beat the Steelers this year. His manner may have alienated people ... but those people didn't play for him. There's no doubt that these guys fought for him, and in that, is the best tribute you can give to the guy. I wish him nothing but the best, and pray he doesn't wind up coaching in oakland, denver, or San Diego anytime soon.
Having said that, the question now becomes, who replaces Todd Haley as the Chiefs 11th head coach in franchise history? The next hire will be our fourth coach in eight years (not exactly a stable franchise), and sixth head coach in 12 years (again, stablity non-existant). I'd also argue this one is the most important hire of the six, because not only is a head coach riding on this hire, in all probability our entire front office rides on this hire.
The schedule next year lays up a little bit. Assuming the Chiefs finish last in the AFC West (a safe assumption at this point), here's what we face:
Home: broncos, raiders, Chargers; Ravens, Bengals; Bucs, Saints; AFC South (Colts)
Road: broncos, raiders, Chargers; Steelers, Browns; Panthers, Falcons; AFC East (Dolphins)
With an upgrade in health, as well as an infusion of some additional talent, in this division? Absolutely the Chiefs can go from worst to first for the second time in three years. Which is why the coaching hire is so important.
Below, I will discuss the various candidate's names I've heard, and my opinions on them. I believe the hire will come from one of the ten people I look at below. I have my fears on who the hire will be, and I freely admit, my top choice for the job? Probably has no chance of being "the one", but I'm tossing him out there because I believe it not only would be a perfect hire, it would completely re-invigorate the fanbase, or at least instill a newfound confidence in the current regime that doesn't exist right now.
In reverse order of my preference, 10 being "please don't hire this tool", and 1 being "back the Brinks truck up and make this happen" ...
10. Josh McDaniels.
Current job: offensive coordinator, St. Louis Rams (2011 first season).
Prior jobs: head coach, denver broncos; offensive coordinator, New England Patriots.
Connections to Pioli: many, dating to his time in New England.
My thoughts: if Josh McDaniels is the hire as head coach, I will not renew my tickets. Let me state that again, in case anyone doubts me. If Josh McDaniels is the head coaching hire, I'm done with this team until they take a flamethrower to One Arrowhead Drive and burn out the stench and incompetence. Josh McDaniels is not only unqualified for the job, he's not qualified for the job he has now. Promoting him to head coach -- again -- after a disasterous season in St. Louis as a coordinator, would be the single worst move Scott Pioli can make.
Unfortunately, its also the one I fully expect him to make. McDaniels has to be the odds-on favorite to get the job at this point. Excuse me while I vomit into the trash can for the next three minutes at that realization ...
9. Kirk Ferentz
Current job: head coach, University of Iowa (1999-present, 13 seasons)
Record: 96-65 at Iowa, 57-47 in Big Ten (plus two) play. 11 .500 plus seasons, 10 bowl games (2 BCS bowls).
Connections to Pioli: worked together with the Browns in the 1990s.
My thoughts: I'd be ok with Ferentz. My only concerns with Kirk Ferentz are age (he'll be 56 on opening day next year), lack of pro coaching experience, and that he might be ok with Ricky Stanzi under center. (Note: I do NOT buy for one second the idea that Todd Haley stuck with Palko to screw with Pioli. Haley's a competitor. He wouldn't lay down. If he genuinely thought Stanzi could play, he'd have been out there for the second half yesterday.)
I do not believe Kirk Ferentz will be the pick. But I do think he'll get an interview, and he's definitely a dark horse to keep your eyes on.
8. Romeo Crennel
Current job: interim head coach / defensive coordinator, Chiefs (2010-present, 2 seasons)
Previous jobs: head coach, Cleveland Browns; defensive coordinator, New England Patriots.
Connections to Pioli: too many to count.
My thoughts: I'm not sure how I feel about Romeo as head coach. On the one hand, for at least the first 3 1/2 years at the helm, his Browns teams overachieved, including posting a 10 win season in 2007 with Derek Anderson under center. On the other hand, the last three months of his tenure were a textbook in how not to run a professional football team. And honestly, I prefer him as a defensive coordinator. However, I don't see any way Romeo returns as DC unless McDaniels is the hire, and I'd rather be stabbed with a thousand knives of fire in my dick than have Josh McDaniels as my next head coach.
Crennel has to be considered the co-front runner right now. Let's just all be grateful that we're only at the half mile mark of this search, at best.
7. Bill Cowher.
Current job: analyst, CBS Sports (2007-present, 5 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Pittsburgh Steelers; defensive coordinator, Kansas City Chiefs.
Connections to Pioli: none, but connections to the Chiefs dating back 25 years.
My thoughts: ok, let's get this out on the table. Bill Cowher is an outstanding defensive coordinator, possibly the best the Chiefs have ever employed. He is a genius at assembling an all-star staff around him (seriously, go back sometime and look at that 1989, 1990, 1991 Chiefs defensive staff. The level of talent is mind-blowing). And he's a pretty successful head coach who lasted fifteen years in Pittsburgh, and won a Super Bowl (while appearing in a second one).
But he hasn't coached a game in five years. His last season was a complete catastrophe (save for the Steelers doing their part in the Immaculate Fivefecta to end the 2006 regular season). And if you think the Chiefs have underachieved the last couple decades? Cowher's Steelers hosted 5 AFC Title Games, and three other times had first round byes (meaning they were a top 2 seed). In those 8 seasons, the Steelers reached the Super Bowl once (1995), and they had to survive a dropped touchdown by the Colts inside of a minute to play to get there. The only time Cowher's teams played above expectation, was their Super Bowl winning season in 2005.
Would Cowher be a solid hire? Absolutely. Would I be upset if he was the pick? Absolutely not. Are there 9 people I prefer to Bill Cowher? You betcha. I just can't get past that "five years out of the game" thing. I can only think of one head coach in history who had a long layoff, and managed to succeed when he returned -- Dick Vermeil. And even then, Dick was one lucky knee injury from getting run out of St. Louis after three seasons. I like Cowher. I just don't think he's the right pick.
6. Jon Gruden
Current job: analyst, ESPN (2009-present, 3 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Bucs and raiders; offensive coordinator, Packers.
Connections to Pioli: none, outside of the Tuck Rule Game.
My thoughts: of all the former head coaches, this one intrigues me the least. Because we know exactly what we'll get with Chucky -- a hard nosed football team that plays with a chip on its shoulder, that is not scared to take chances on either side of the ball, and is innovative, especially on offense. You also will get something SORELY missing from this franchise right now -- an intense HATRED of hated divisional rivals oakland and denver. For that reason alone, he should be considered.
With Gruden though, its a very limited window of opportunity. He will burn out, ala Vermeil in Philadelphia (and possibly at the end here in KC). A more intriguing choice might be, from the same family ...
5. Jay Gruden.
Current job: offensive coordinator, Cincinnati Bengals (2011 first season).
Previous job: offensive coordinator, Tampa Bay Buccaneers; head coach, Tampa AFL team (2 Arena League championships).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: this would be the home run swing, the all or nothing hire. (Save for maybe number 3 on this list, although number 3 is a pipe dream). Gruden has been a "hot commodity" as an assistant for a few years now, and his work with the Bengals this year has shown why. If you want to continue to focus on the offensive side of the ball, this is the young up-and-comer that you should target (not Josh McDaniels, who isn't up, isn't coming, and if anything, should be required to wear a dunce cap and a clown suit to every interview he sits for). Gruden also has head coaching experience, albeit in the Arena League, but if we saw anything over the previous decade, its that success in that league CAN translate to success in the NFL (see Warner, Kurt).
I would hope Gruden gets an interview. A Gruden package deal is intriguing as well, Jon as head coach, Jay running the offense as the designated successor for Jon in 5-6 years if things go well. This one really intrigues me.
4. Brian Billick.
Current job: analyst, FOX Sports (2010-present, 2 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Baltimore Ravens; offensive coordinator, Minnesota Vikings.
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: of all the former coaches, this one intrigues me the most. In the interest of full disclosure, I love Brian Billick. I know his Ravens teams were defined by defense (fine by me!), but people forget just how brilliant this guy is at coaching offense. The most explosive offense in league history? Brian Billick coached it, with the 1998 Vikings.
His ultimate downfall in Baltimore, is the same issue we have here right now: no franchise quarterback. And yet, Billick won a Super Bowl starting Tony Banks and Trent Dilfer, won a playoff game with Elvis Grbac, won a division with Kyle Boller, and won a division with a washed up Steve McNair under center. If anyone can milk something out of another season of Matt Cassel, it's this guy, is it not? I hope Billick gets serious consideration. (Which of course, means he won't even warrant a passing mention).
3. Bob Stoops
Current job: head coach, University of Oklahoma (1999-present, 13 seasons)
Record: 138-34 at OU, 84-21 in Big XII (minus two) play. 13 .500 plus seasons, 7 Big XII titles, 13 bowl games (8 BCS bowls).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: THIS is the dark horse I want to see get an interview, for three reasons. (1) I truly believe the spread offense in some form is going to take over the NFL in the next 2-3 years. You simply cannot ignore the success of the Bills and the tebows (and the Wildcat formation at times), and conclude that someone isn't going to make it work at a pro level. (That someone already exists -- his name is Chan Gailey, and he's been doing it dating back to when he ran Bill Cowher's offenses in Pittsburgh, but anyways). (2) He's accomplished everything he can at the collegiate level. There's no challenge left for him at that level. And (3) you want to reinvigorate the fanbase? Hire the most successful coach in the region (with all due apologies to Bill Snyder).
Would this hire work? Hell if I know. But I do know I'm intrigued enough to give it significant thought. I hope Scott Pioli is as well.
2. Jeff Fisher
Current job: still chairman of the NFL Competition Committee.
Previous job: head coach, Tennessee Titans.
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: of all the "realistic" options, Fisher is the best of them. A proven winner, his teams usually overachieved in Tennessee, regularly made the postseason, and as recently as three years ago, had the best record in the NFL. Knows how to develop a young quarterback into a Super Bowl caliber franchise guy (see McNair, Steve).
Again, of all the "realistic" options, Fisher is the best of them. If he isn't at least offered a chance to interview for the Chiefs position, more heads should roll at One Arrowhead Drive than already have this morning (and will in three weeks).
But of ALL the potential options on the table, there's one that stands out above all the others. I am fully aware it has little to no chance of occurring. I'm aware that a late season surge might render him unavailable (aka "he doesn't get poop canned"). And if that's the case, so be it ... but we've "traded" for head coaches before -- twice in this century for crying out loud. All I'm saying is, give Stevo's Top Choice a chance ... and the person I want you to give a chance is ...
1. "Fat" Andy Reid.
Current job: head coach, Philadelphia Eagles (1999-present, 13 seasons).
Record: 123-81-1 (through yesterday) regular season; 10-9 postseason. 10 .500 plus seasons, 6 division titles, 9 playoff berths (prior to this season); 5 NFC Title Game appearances, 1 Super Bowl appearance (L vs Patriots Super Bowl XXXIX).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: how can you top this hire? What isn't to love about this? A proven veteran head coach who makes the playoffs 3 out of every four years, wins at least once when he gets there, and has his team one game away from the Super Bowl every other season. What's not to love about this hire?
Develop a Super Bowl caliber franchise quarterback? Been there done that -- TWICE. First as Green Bay's offensive coordinator in the 1990s (Brett Favre), then as head coach / offensive coordinator with the Eagles in the 2000s (Donovan McNabb). Injuries at the position decimate you? Fine. He can make the playoffs starting AJ Feeley, Jeff Garcia, and Kevin Kolb, none of whom are a Super Bowl franchise caliber player.
The only knock on "Fat" Andy Reid I can think of is his clock management skills. Which is ok -- if you recognize your flaw, then go out and hire someone to coach you what to do in relation to the clock and the challenge flag. Dick Vermeil was ATROCIOUS at clock management ... until he hired Mike White to handle that aspect of the game for him.
If the Eagles fire him after this season, there will be PLENTY of teams lined up to interview him. I hope the Chiefs are one of those teams. If he's not fired however, if Jeff Loria brings him back for a 14th season, why not pick up the phone, call the Eagles, and see if you can trade a 2nd rounder for him? That's what we paid the Rams for Dick Vermeil. (We gave the Jets a 4th rounder for Herm Edwards).
Would you trade a 2nd rounder for 6-8 years of "Fat" Andy Reid? I sure as hell would. If he's on the street, would you commit 6 years, $36 million to "Fat" Andy Reid? I sure as hell would.
You argue "well, the Eagles just hired him, immediate retreads NEVER work!" To which I respond: sure, if you're looking at Ray Rhodes, Rich Kotite, or Eric Mangini, absolutely. But there's a reason why those guys failed -- they sucked the first time around too. If you hire a proven winner for a second chance? It tends to work pretty well. Ask john fox. You think denver regrets hiring him within a week of his getting fired? Or to bring it close to home, Marty Schottenheimer, who the Browns stupidly canned after losing in the wildcard round in 1988. You think Carl regrets offering Marty a new job less than a month after he was fired from his old one?
"Fat" Andy Reid is a PROVEN winner, whose teams routinely make the playoffs, and win once they get there. You can argue "Fat" Andy Reid has "underachieved" in the postseason, and he's likely to be the first person to agree with you.
But you know who has a WORSE postseason record, at 10-10? Alleged all time great Peyton Manning. You think Colts fans care that Manning has "underachieved" in January? HELL NO! Because Manning delivered a Lombardi Trophy (and went 4-0 in the 2006 playoffs, meaning he's 6-10 in his other 10 appearances. Yikes.) As a Chiefs fan, if you knew going in that "Fat" Andy Reid would have the Chiefs in the title game within 3 years (like he did in Philly) and in the Super Bowl within 5 years (again, like in Philly), would you take it? Would you trade off clock management and challenge issues, to say nothing of laughing at him looking like the Michelin Man on the sidelines in December, would you trade that for being 60 minutes away from a Lombardi, and FINALLY bringing Lamar's Trophy home?
If your answer is "no", question your status as a Chiefs fan. Because the ONLY thing that matters in this next hire, is to bring in a guy who within 3 years can have this team in a conference title game. There's enough talent here that with the right choice at quarterback, that can happen. If "Fat" Andy Reid or Jeff Fisher is the hire? It WILL happen.
If its anyone else, be concerned. Especially if that someone else is named Josh McDaniels ...
I had a 12 page post all ready to go on why Coach should stay. Instead, as I'm finishing up my arguments in favor of a fourth year, my phone starts blowing up with texts from countless folks informing me that the Chiefs have relieved Todd Haley of his duties as head coach.
So allow me a few words regarding Todd Haley, before moving on to (I guess) the new point of today's post, and that is who should replace him.
I was not a fan of the Todd Haley hiring when it went down. I'll be honest up front -- I wanted Mike Shanahan. By the time the denver broncos left town in early December of 2009, after blowing out the Chiefs 34-6 in a game that featured what I still consider to be "the worst play in franchise history", I was calling for his firing immediately. No second season, no third season, don't even contemplate letting him finish out his contract -- in the words of Rage Against the Machine, "f*ck it, cut the cord!"
So you can imagine my surprise that barely 24 months after that post ... that I am furious at this firing this morning.
Todd Haley didn't deserve this. You can argue whether or not his boss deserved this fate (I'm of the opinion that Pioli does not ... yet, anyways), but there is no way in hell Todd Haley deserved this fate.
Did Haley take the wrong approach to the limited offseason and training camp and all of preseason? Absolutely. You can't dispute facts (as much as I try to), and the fact is that this team was woefully underprepared for the regular season. But I can't fault Todd Haley for trying something different. The NFL had NEVER before faced an offseason like the one we just endured. Why not try something different to see if it gains you a competitive advantage? I supported what Coach Haley did. I'm not going to rip him a new one now, for something I agreed with four months ago.
Did Haley rally this team from the brink this season? Oh hell to the yes he did. The first ten quarters of this season, the Chiefs were outscored 99-10, were 0-2, and trailing by double digits at halftime, on the road, against a team that has won the AFC West 5 of the last 7 years (and whose worst record in those 7 years was 9-9 counting playoffs). The next 18 quarters and half an overtime later, the Chiefs sat at 4-3, all alone atop the AFC West.
Did Haley suffer a ridiculous amount of injuries? Absolutely. I mentioned this earlier to someone, but I'll post it here for everyone to read -- I consider Chuck Noll to be the greatest head coach in NFL history. And not even Chuck Noll would have done better than 5-8 without his starting strong safety, starting tight end, starting running back, starting middle linebacker, first round draft pick, starting quarterback, and starting right tackle for significant chunks of time this season. I hate people who use the "injuries are not an excuse" line, because injuries absolutely ARE a legitimate excuse. Ask fans of the 2011 Colts if injuries matter. (While you're at it, ask them also if coaching matters. Ah, Jim Caldwell, you ain't Number 32 in the Stevo Coaches Rankings for nothing!)
You try winning in the NFL with Tyler Palko as quarterback, Jackie Battle as running back, Barry Richardson guarding the blind side, Sabby Piscatelli and Jon McGraw as half of your starting secondary, and Jovan Belcher starting at inside linebacker, instead of Matt Cassel, Jamaal Charles, Ryan Lilja, Eric Berry, Tony Moeaki, and Brandon Siler. Good luck with that.
Was Haley tempermental, a little too emotional, a little too unrestrained? At times, sure. But most good coaches are. I mean, if you're going to rip Todd Haley for having a lack of self-control on the sidelines, for dropping the f bomb constantly on the sidelines, and yet you want Jon Gruden to come here, what are you, a complete hypocrite? Or just mentally retarded? No coach is more unrestrained than Jon Gruden. If you want him to replace Todd Haley, fine by me. God knows we can (and probably will) do worse than Gruden. Just don't use Haley's sideline demeanor as a negative against him, if Gruden is your pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in the coaching race.
The bottom line to me with Todd Haley is this: he probably wasn't ready for the job when he got it ... and he still had his players going as hard as possible for him, even as the losses and injuries mounted this year. You can say last year's division title was a fluke, and I won't disagree with you, but you can't take away the fact that Todd Haley's team won the division. You can hold the fact that he never beat a 10 plus win team against him (0 for 9, assuming the Jets make it to ten, and the Bears don't), but it's not like the Chiefs have the league's most loaded roster, and it's not like we didn't come close -- the Chiefs nearly beat the Cowboys in 2009 (losing in overtime), gave the Colts fits last year, and nearly beat the Steelers this year. His manner may have alienated people ... but those people didn't play for him. There's no doubt that these guys fought for him, and in that, is the best tribute you can give to the guy. I wish him nothing but the best, and pray he doesn't wind up coaching in oakland, denver, or San Diego anytime soon.
Having said that, the question now becomes, who replaces Todd Haley as the Chiefs 11th head coach in franchise history? The next hire will be our fourth coach in eight years (not exactly a stable franchise), and sixth head coach in 12 years (again, stablity non-existant). I'd also argue this one is the most important hire of the six, because not only is a head coach riding on this hire, in all probability our entire front office rides on this hire.
The schedule next year lays up a little bit. Assuming the Chiefs finish last in the AFC West (a safe assumption at this point), here's what we face:
Home: broncos, raiders, Chargers; Ravens, Bengals; Bucs, Saints; AFC South (Colts)
Road: broncos, raiders, Chargers; Steelers, Browns; Panthers, Falcons; AFC East (Dolphins)
With an upgrade in health, as well as an infusion of some additional talent, in this division? Absolutely the Chiefs can go from worst to first for the second time in three years. Which is why the coaching hire is so important.
Below, I will discuss the various candidate's names I've heard, and my opinions on them. I believe the hire will come from one of the ten people I look at below. I have my fears on who the hire will be, and I freely admit, my top choice for the job? Probably has no chance of being "the one", but I'm tossing him out there because I believe it not only would be a perfect hire, it would completely re-invigorate the fanbase, or at least instill a newfound confidence in the current regime that doesn't exist right now.
In reverse order of my preference, 10 being "please don't hire this tool", and 1 being "back the Brinks truck up and make this happen" ...
10. Josh McDaniels.
Current job: offensive coordinator, St. Louis Rams (2011 first season).
Prior jobs: head coach, denver broncos; offensive coordinator, New England Patriots.
Connections to Pioli: many, dating to his time in New England.
My thoughts: if Josh McDaniels is the hire as head coach, I will not renew my tickets. Let me state that again, in case anyone doubts me. If Josh McDaniels is the head coaching hire, I'm done with this team until they take a flamethrower to One Arrowhead Drive and burn out the stench and incompetence. Josh McDaniels is not only unqualified for the job, he's not qualified for the job he has now. Promoting him to head coach -- again -- after a disasterous season in St. Louis as a coordinator, would be the single worst move Scott Pioli can make.
Unfortunately, its also the one I fully expect him to make. McDaniels has to be the odds-on favorite to get the job at this point. Excuse me while I vomit into the trash can for the next three minutes at that realization ...
9. Kirk Ferentz
Current job: head coach, University of Iowa (1999-present, 13 seasons)
Record: 96-65 at Iowa, 57-47 in Big Ten (plus two) play. 11 .500 plus seasons, 10 bowl games (2 BCS bowls).
Connections to Pioli: worked together with the Browns in the 1990s.
My thoughts: I'd be ok with Ferentz. My only concerns with Kirk Ferentz are age (he'll be 56 on opening day next year), lack of pro coaching experience, and that he might be ok with Ricky Stanzi under center. (Note: I do NOT buy for one second the idea that Todd Haley stuck with Palko to screw with Pioli. Haley's a competitor. He wouldn't lay down. If he genuinely thought Stanzi could play, he'd have been out there for the second half yesterday.)
I do not believe Kirk Ferentz will be the pick. But I do think he'll get an interview, and he's definitely a dark horse to keep your eyes on.
8. Romeo Crennel
Current job: interim head coach / defensive coordinator, Chiefs (2010-present, 2 seasons)
Previous jobs: head coach, Cleveland Browns; defensive coordinator, New England Patriots.
Connections to Pioli: too many to count.
My thoughts: I'm not sure how I feel about Romeo as head coach. On the one hand, for at least the first 3 1/2 years at the helm, his Browns teams overachieved, including posting a 10 win season in 2007 with Derek Anderson under center. On the other hand, the last three months of his tenure were a textbook in how not to run a professional football team. And honestly, I prefer him as a defensive coordinator. However, I don't see any way Romeo returns as DC unless McDaniels is the hire, and I'd rather be stabbed with a thousand knives of fire in my dick than have Josh McDaniels as my next head coach.
Crennel has to be considered the co-front runner right now. Let's just all be grateful that we're only at the half mile mark of this search, at best.
7. Bill Cowher.
Current job: analyst, CBS Sports (2007-present, 5 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Pittsburgh Steelers; defensive coordinator, Kansas City Chiefs.
Connections to Pioli: none, but connections to the Chiefs dating back 25 years.
My thoughts: ok, let's get this out on the table. Bill Cowher is an outstanding defensive coordinator, possibly the best the Chiefs have ever employed. He is a genius at assembling an all-star staff around him (seriously, go back sometime and look at that 1989, 1990, 1991 Chiefs defensive staff. The level of talent is mind-blowing). And he's a pretty successful head coach who lasted fifteen years in Pittsburgh, and won a Super Bowl (while appearing in a second one).
But he hasn't coached a game in five years. His last season was a complete catastrophe (save for the Steelers doing their part in the Immaculate Fivefecta to end the 2006 regular season). And if you think the Chiefs have underachieved the last couple decades? Cowher's Steelers hosted 5 AFC Title Games, and three other times had first round byes (meaning they were a top 2 seed). In those 8 seasons, the Steelers reached the Super Bowl once (1995), and they had to survive a dropped touchdown by the Colts inside of a minute to play to get there. The only time Cowher's teams played above expectation, was their Super Bowl winning season in 2005.
Would Cowher be a solid hire? Absolutely. Would I be upset if he was the pick? Absolutely not. Are there 9 people I prefer to Bill Cowher? You betcha. I just can't get past that "five years out of the game" thing. I can only think of one head coach in history who had a long layoff, and managed to succeed when he returned -- Dick Vermeil. And even then, Dick was one lucky knee injury from getting run out of St. Louis after three seasons. I like Cowher. I just don't think he's the right pick.
6. Jon Gruden
Current job: analyst, ESPN (2009-present, 3 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Bucs and raiders; offensive coordinator, Packers.
Connections to Pioli: none, outside of the Tuck Rule Game.
My thoughts: of all the former head coaches, this one intrigues me the least. Because we know exactly what we'll get with Chucky -- a hard nosed football team that plays with a chip on its shoulder, that is not scared to take chances on either side of the ball, and is innovative, especially on offense. You also will get something SORELY missing from this franchise right now -- an intense HATRED of hated divisional rivals oakland and denver. For that reason alone, he should be considered.
With Gruden though, its a very limited window of opportunity. He will burn out, ala Vermeil in Philadelphia (and possibly at the end here in KC). A more intriguing choice might be, from the same family ...
5. Jay Gruden.
Current job: offensive coordinator, Cincinnati Bengals (2011 first season).
Previous job: offensive coordinator, Tampa Bay Buccaneers; head coach, Tampa AFL team (2 Arena League championships).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: this would be the home run swing, the all or nothing hire. (Save for maybe number 3 on this list, although number 3 is a pipe dream). Gruden has been a "hot commodity" as an assistant for a few years now, and his work with the Bengals this year has shown why. If you want to continue to focus on the offensive side of the ball, this is the young up-and-comer that you should target (not Josh McDaniels, who isn't up, isn't coming, and if anything, should be required to wear a dunce cap and a clown suit to every interview he sits for). Gruden also has head coaching experience, albeit in the Arena League, but if we saw anything over the previous decade, its that success in that league CAN translate to success in the NFL (see Warner, Kurt).
I would hope Gruden gets an interview. A Gruden package deal is intriguing as well, Jon as head coach, Jay running the offense as the designated successor for Jon in 5-6 years if things go well. This one really intrigues me.
4. Brian Billick.
Current job: analyst, FOX Sports (2010-present, 2 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Baltimore Ravens; offensive coordinator, Minnesota Vikings.
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: of all the former coaches, this one intrigues me the most. In the interest of full disclosure, I love Brian Billick. I know his Ravens teams were defined by defense (fine by me!), but people forget just how brilliant this guy is at coaching offense. The most explosive offense in league history? Brian Billick coached it, with the 1998 Vikings.
His ultimate downfall in Baltimore, is the same issue we have here right now: no franchise quarterback. And yet, Billick won a Super Bowl starting Tony Banks and Trent Dilfer, won a playoff game with Elvis Grbac, won a division with Kyle Boller, and won a division with a washed up Steve McNair under center. If anyone can milk something out of another season of Matt Cassel, it's this guy, is it not? I hope Billick gets serious consideration. (Which of course, means he won't even warrant a passing mention).
3. Bob Stoops
Current job: head coach, University of Oklahoma (1999-present, 13 seasons)
Record: 138-34 at OU, 84-21 in Big XII (minus two) play. 13 .500 plus seasons, 7 Big XII titles, 13 bowl games (8 BCS bowls).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: THIS is the dark horse I want to see get an interview, for three reasons. (1) I truly believe the spread offense in some form is going to take over the NFL in the next 2-3 years. You simply cannot ignore the success of the Bills and the tebows (and the Wildcat formation at times), and conclude that someone isn't going to make it work at a pro level. (That someone already exists -- his name is Chan Gailey, and he's been doing it dating back to when he ran Bill Cowher's offenses in Pittsburgh, but anyways). (2) He's accomplished everything he can at the collegiate level. There's no challenge left for him at that level. And (3) you want to reinvigorate the fanbase? Hire the most successful coach in the region (with all due apologies to Bill Snyder).
Would this hire work? Hell if I know. But I do know I'm intrigued enough to give it significant thought. I hope Scott Pioli is as well.
2. Jeff Fisher
Current job: still chairman of the NFL Competition Committee.
Previous job: head coach, Tennessee Titans.
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: of all the "realistic" options, Fisher is the best of them. A proven winner, his teams usually overachieved in Tennessee, regularly made the postseason, and as recently as three years ago, had the best record in the NFL. Knows how to develop a young quarterback into a Super Bowl caliber franchise guy (see McNair, Steve).
Again, of all the "realistic" options, Fisher is the best of them. If he isn't at least offered a chance to interview for the Chiefs position, more heads should roll at One Arrowhead Drive than already have this morning (and will in three weeks).
But of ALL the potential options on the table, there's one that stands out above all the others. I am fully aware it has little to no chance of occurring. I'm aware that a late season surge might render him unavailable (aka "he doesn't get poop canned"). And if that's the case, so be it ... but we've "traded" for head coaches before -- twice in this century for crying out loud. All I'm saying is, give Stevo's Top Choice a chance ... and the person I want you to give a chance is ...
1. "Fat" Andy Reid.
Current job: head coach, Philadelphia Eagles (1999-present, 13 seasons).
Record: 123-81-1 (through yesterday) regular season; 10-9 postseason. 10 .500 plus seasons, 6 division titles, 9 playoff berths (prior to this season); 5 NFC Title Game appearances, 1 Super Bowl appearance (L vs Patriots Super Bowl XXXIX).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.
My thoughts: how can you top this hire? What isn't to love about this? A proven veteran head coach who makes the playoffs 3 out of every four years, wins at least once when he gets there, and has his team one game away from the Super Bowl every other season. What's not to love about this hire?
Develop a Super Bowl caliber franchise quarterback? Been there done that -- TWICE. First as Green Bay's offensive coordinator in the 1990s (Brett Favre), then as head coach / offensive coordinator with the Eagles in the 2000s (Donovan McNabb). Injuries at the position decimate you? Fine. He can make the playoffs starting AJ Feeley, Jeff Garcia, and Kevin Kolb, none of whom are a Super Bowl franchise caliber player.
The only knock on "Fat" Andy Reid I can think of is his clock management skills. Which is ok -- if you recognize your flaw, then go out and hire someone to coach you what to do in relation to the clock and the challenge flag. Dick Vermeil was ATROCIOUS at clock management ... until he hired Mike White to handle that aspect of the game for him.
If the Eagles fire him after this season, there will be PLENTY of teams lined up to interview him. I hope the Chiefs are one of those teams. If he's not fired however, if Jeff Loria brings him back for a 14th season, why not pick up the phone, call the Eagles, and see if you can trade a 2nd rounder for him? That's what we paid the Rams for Dick Vermeil. (We gave the Jets a 4th rounder for Herm Edwards).
Would you trade a 2nd rounder for 6-8 years of "Fat" Andy Reid? I sure as hell would. If he's on the street, would you commit 6 years, $36 million to "Fat" Andy Reid? I sure as hell would.
You argue "well, the Eagles just hired him, immediate retreads NEVER work!" To which I respond: sure, if you're looking at Ray Rhodes, Rich Kotite, or Eric Mangini, absolutely. But there's a reason why those guys failed -- they sucked the first time around too. If you hire a proven winner for a second chance? It tends to work pretty well. Ask john fox. You think denver regrets hiring him within a week of his getting fired? Or to bring it close to home, Marty Schottenheimer, who the Browns stupidly canned after losing in the wildcard round in 1988. You think Carl regrets offering Marty a new job less than a month after he was fired from his old one?
"Fat" Andy Reid is a PROVEN winner, whose teams routinely make the playoffs, and win once they get there. You can argue "Fat" Andy Reid has "underachieved" in the postseason, and he's likely to be the first person to agree with you.
But you know who has a WORSE postseason record, at 10-10? Alleged all time great Peyton Manning. You think Colts fans care that Manning has "underachieved" in January? HELL NO! Because Manning delivered a Lombardi Trophy (and went 4-0 in the 2006 playoffs, meaning he's 6-10 in his other 10 appearances. Yikes.) As a Chiefs fan, if you knew going in that "Fat" Andy Reid would have the Chiefs in the title game within 3 years (like he did in Philly) and in the Super Bowl within 5 years (again, like in Philly), would you take it? Would you trade off clock management and challenge issues, to say nothing of laughing at him looking like the Michelin Man on the sidelines in December, would you trade that for being 60 minutes away from a Lombardi, and FINALLY bringing Lamar's Trophy home?
If your answer is "no", question your status as a Chiefs fan. Because the ONLY thing that matters in this next hire, is to bring in a guy who within 3 years can have this team in a conference title game. There's enough talent here that with the right choice at quarterback, that can happen. If "Fat" Andy Reid or Jeff Fisher is the hire? It WILL happen.
If its anyone else, be concerned. Especially if that someone else is named Josh McDaniels ...
Friday, December 9, 2011
the week 14 guesses
For the Chiefs, its as simple as this.
Do on Sunday ... or the season will die.
The road to a AFC West championship, a home playoff game, and a rematch with the Steelers is still, somehow, someway, right there for the taking. Do the Chiefs need a little help to get there? Yes. Specifically, we need both oakland and denver to lose at least once (in addition to losing to us). oakland visits the Packers this week. I'm going to guess that's the loss we need from them. And the tebows have the desperate Bears at home this week, then the Patriots at home next week, in addition to a frisky Christmas Eve trip to desperate Buffalo. Hopefully they lose one of those three. (Screw that -- hopefully they lose all three. I am nowhere near ready for a world where a john elway run, tim tebow led denver broncos team is a legitimate Super Bowl contender. Hang on, I just threw up typing that last sentence. Let me recompose myself ...)
If the Chiefs can sweep this road trip*, they climb right back into the thick of the playoff race. Despite losing (here we go ... you might want to pour yourself a stiff drink, or roll a potent joint before continuing ... ready? ...) despite losing their Pro Bowl quarterback, Pro Bowl running back, Pro Bowl safety, stud tight end, best offensive lineman, AND starting some piece of retread crap named Sabby Piscatelli**, despite ALL of that, the Chiefs are still just one win away from potentially controlling their own destiny.
(*: fun fact! Do you know the last time the Chiefs won back-to-back road games? (cue "jeopardy final question" music). 2004, when we beat oakland and Tennessee back-to-back. Let's just say, we're long overdue for a road winning streak.)
(**: it is not possible to put into words how much I despise Sabby Piscatelli. I pray that when he's cut after this season, that denver signs him, if only to justify my hatred of that piece of crap.)
For the Chiefs to win on Sunday, I believe they must do seven things. Here are those seven things.
1. They absolutely must protect the football. Last Sunday, they did a phenomenal job of this, not losing a fumble, not throwing an interception. They only had one brain fart last week, and D Bowe was there to immediately recover the potential fumble. As good as the Bears defense is, the Jets is every bit as talented. It is vital that, like last week's game, we not put the defense in a deep hole they have no chance of recovering from.
2. They absolutely must contain the Jets passing game. I fully expect "Sexy" Rexy Ryan to test the Brandon Brothers early and often, if only to try to build some confidence in Mark Sanchez. (There's two other reasons to do this -- open up the middle of the field for Dustin Keller, and to take the heat off the Jets anemic rushing attack by possibly opening up a few running lanes.) As much as I like Brandon Flowers, he has a tendency to get burned at least a couple times a game. This simply cannot happen if the Chiefs are to spring the upset.
3. The pressure the defense brought last week? Needs to occur again. We don't need seven sacks like last week (at least I think it was seven, it might have been more), but certainly knocking the Sanchize to the ground early and often needs to happen. As a Jets fan, trust me -- you can rattle Mark Sanchez. You get a few early good blows in on him? You WILL rattle him. And once he's rattled, he looks worse than either Tyler Palko or Caleb Hanie have looked so far. And considering that in five starts between them, they've thrown 13 interceptions and lost 3 fumbles, that's saying something.
4. Take some chances deep. Other than the Hail Mary to end the half, the Chiefs played a very conservative gameplan last week, which is fine because it worked. But I'd like to see a return to the gameplan from the Steelers game, where we took some calculated chances. If you have a 2nd and 2, why not try a 20 yard crossing pattern to Breaston? If you've got 3rd and 1 at the Jets 35 (knowing you'll go for it on 4th down if nothing changes), why not air it out to D Bowe?
And specifically, on 3rd and half a mile, air it out! God bless it, going conservative on 3rd and more than 10 drives me bat sh*t crazy. If you throw a 45 yard pass and its picked off, WHO CARES? It's no worse than a punt anyways. And you always have the chance on that 45 yard bomb of something crazy happening, like a pass interference flag, a defensive holding somewhere, a roughing the passer penalty, or even the receiver making the catch and extending the drive. Running a draw play on 3rd and 13 drives me absolutely nuts.
(Unless you're deep in your territory. If you're at your own 6, absolutely a draw on 3rd and 13 makes sense. But at the 40? Its stupid.)
5. Coach Hobo? Wear black. If only for the sanity of some of the people I watch road games with please -- wear black. It's for your own good.
6. The one thing last week I loved on offense? Was rolling Palko out of the pocket. Do this again. Repeatedly. The Jets defense does have a weakness, and its a system flaw with the Ryan type defense -- overcommitting to a play. There's not a lot of read-and-react in a Ryan defensive package. (The exact opposite of most Crennel defensive calls, which are all read and react, which also has its flaws, but fewer than committing before the snap, like Rex's defense does). Roll Palko out. Leonard Pope isn't going to win any speed contests, but he's a decent tight end with solid hands who will get you 4-5 yards every time on a simple rollout pass.
I loved the play to open the Steelers game, when Palko rolled out and hit Breaston streaking across the middle of the field fifteen yards downfield. Palko has some speed. James Harrison had to commit to stopping Palko from taking off ... which opened up the middle of the field. The Jets can be had the same way. And finally
7. Don't overthink things. Just stick to what you believe will work, and make it work. The Orton playcall last week was stupid. No legitimate defense (and the Bears are certainly that) is going to fall for a flea-flicker on the first play a QB enters the game for. They're expecting something quacky in that spot. There's no need to get cute. Cute is what you aim for when your girlfriend / wife / friend with benefits / random pickup at the Eclipse is putting on a private show for you. Football is not "cute". Its hard work, its tireless dedication, and its grinding it out, sticking with it. There's nothing "cute" about it.
There's your gameplan to success. Roll Palko out. Take a few low-risk / high-reward chances down the field. Get to the Sanchize early and keep going after him. Don't get cute. And have the head coach wear black.
The question isn't can the Chiefs win this game. Absolutely they can. The question is will they? Before answering that question, here are the rest of my Week 14 Predictions, and for the record, I'd have taken the Steelers -15 last night (Pittsburgh won 14-3, so we're already off to a "winning start" this week, oy ...)
* at Ravens (-16) 41, Colts 3.
* at Panthers (+2 1/2) 31, Falcons 30.
* at Bengals 24, Texans (+3 1/2) 21.
* at Lions (-8) 45, Vikings 13.
* Bucs (-2) 24, at Jaguars 14. Good Times Game O' The Week! Dy-No-Mite!
* at Dolphins (-3 1/2) 24, Eagles 17.
* Saints (-3 1/2) 31, at Titans 14.
* Patriots (-9) 31, at Redskins 10.
* at Cardinals (+3 1/2) 28, 49ers 24.
* Bears (+4) 17, at tebows 10.
* at Packers (-10) 41, raiders 14.
* Bills (+7) 31, at Chargers 20. The "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week.
* at Cowboys 21, Giants (+3 1/2) 20.
* at Seahawks (-6 1/2) 20, Rams 0.
And in the matchup that matters the most to me, and I would guess most everyone reading this ...
* Chiefs (+9 1/2) 13, at Jets 3. I have a stupid superstition. (Really Stevo, just one?) And it is this: as long as the Chiefs are mathematically alive to win the Lombardi Trophy, I wear a Chiefs bracelet on my left wrist. Coach Hobo? Tyler Palko? I'm not ready to take this thing off just yet. Give us one more week to hope guys, just one more week. Especially with the potential for the Upset of a Lifetime on tap next Sunday.
Go Bills, Go Packers, Go Bears, and Go Chiefs. This season isn't over yet. It's not over yet ...
Do on Sunday ... or the season will die.
The road to a AFC West championship, a home playoff game, and a rematch with the Steelers is still, somehow, someway, right there for the taking. Do the Chiefs need a little help to get there? Yes. Specifically, we need both oakland and denver to lose at least once (in addition to losing to us). oakland visits the Packers this week. I'm going to guess that's the loss we need from them. And the tebows have the desperate Bears at home this week, then the Patriots at home next week, in addition to a frisky Christmas Eve trip to desperate Buffalo. Hopefully they lose one of those three. (Screw that -- hopefully they lose all three. I am nowhere near ready for a world where a john elway run, tim tebow led denver broncos team is a legitimate Super Bowl contender. Hang on, I just threw up typing that last sentence. Let me recompose myself ...)
If the Chiefs can sweep this road trip*, they climb right back into the thick of the playoff race. Despite losing (here we go ... you might want to pour yourself a stiff drink, or roll a potent joint before continuing ... ready? ...) despite losing their Pro Bowl quarterback, Pro Bowl running back, Pro Bowl safety, stud tight end, best offensive lineman, AND starting some piece of retread crap named Sabby Piscatelli**, despite ALL of that, the Chiefs are still just one win away from potentially controlling their own destiny.
(*: fun fact! Do you know the last time the Chiefs won back-to-back road games? (cue "jeopardy final question" music). 2004, when we beat oakland and Tennessee back-to-back. Let's just say, we're long overdue for a road winning streak.)
(**: it is not possible to put into words how much I despise Sabby Piscatelli. I pray that when he's cut after this season, that denver signs him, if only to justify my hatred of that piece of crap.)
For the Chiefs to win on Sunday, I believe they must do seven things. Here are those seven things.
1. They absolutely must protect the football. Last Sunday, they did a phenomenal job of this, not losing a fumble, not throwing an interception. They only had one brain fart last week, and D Bowe was there to immediately recover the potential fumble. As good as the Bears defense is, the Jets is every bit as talented. It is vital that, like last week's game, we not put the defense in a deep hole they have no chance of recovering from.
2. They absolutely must contain the Jets passing game. I fully expect "Sexy" Rexy Ryan to test the Brandon Brothers early and often, if only to try to build some confidence in Mark Sanchez. (There's two other reasons to do this -- open up the middle of the field for Dustin Keller, and to take the heat off the Jets anemic rushing attack by possibly opening up a few running lanes.) As much as I like Brandon Flowers, he has a tendency to get burned at least a couple times a game. This simply cannot happen if the Chiefs are to spring the upset.
3. The pressure the defense brought last week? Needs to occur again. We don't need seven sacks like last week (at least I think it was seven, it might have been more), but certainly knocking the Sanchize to the ground early and often needs to happen. As a Jets fan, trust me -- you can rattle Mark Sanchez. You get a few early good blows in on him? You WILL rattle him. And once he's rattled, he looks worse than either Tyler Palko or Caleb Hanie have looked so far. And considering that in five starts between them, they've thrown 13 interceptions and lost 3 fumbles, that's saying something.
4. Take some chances deep. Other than the Hail Mary to end the half, the Chiefs played a very conservative gameplan last week, which is fine because it worked. But I'd like to see a return to the gameplan from the Steelers game, where we took some calculated chances. If you have a 2nd and 2, why not try a 20 yard crossing pattern to Breaston? If you've got 3rd and 1 at the Jets 35 (knowing you'll go for it on 4th down if nothing changes), why not air it out to D Bowe?
And specifically, on 3rd and half a mile, air it out! God bless it, going conservative on 3rd and more than 10 drives me bat sh*t crazy. If you throw a 45 yard pass and its picked off, WHO CARES? It's no worse than a punt anyways. And you always have the chance on that 45 yard bomb of something crazy happening, like a pass interference flag, a defensive holding somewhere, a roughing the passer penalty, or even the receiver making the catch and extending the drive. Running a draw play on 3rd and 13 drives me absolutely nuts.
(Unless you're deep in your territory. If you're at your own 6, absolutely a draw on 3rd and 13 makes sense. But at the 40? Its stupid.)
5. Coach Hobo? Wear black. If only for the sanity of some of the people I watch road games with please -- wear black. It's for your own good.
6. The one thing last week I loved on offense? Was rolling Palko out of the pocket. Do this again. Repeatedly. The Jets defense does have a weakness, and its a system flaw with the Ryan type defense -- overcommitting to a play. There's not a lot of read-and-react in a Ryan defensive package. (The exact opposite of most Crennel defensive calls, which are all read and react, which also has its flaws, but fewer than committing before the snap, like Rex's defense does). Roll Palko out. Leonard Pope isn't going to win any speed contests, but he's a decent tight end with solid hands who will get you 4-5 yards every time on a simple rollout pass.
I loved the play to open the Steelers game, when Palko rolled out and hit Breaston streaking across the middle of the field fifteen yards downfield. Palko has some speed. James Harrison had to commit to stopping Palko from taking off ... which opened up the middle of the field. The Jets can be had the same way. And finally
7. Don't overthink things. Just stick to what you believe will work, and make it work. The Orton playcall last week was stupid. No legitimate defense (and the Bears are certainly that) is going to fall for a flea-flicker on the first play a QB enters the game for. They're expecting something quacky in that spot. There's no need to get cute. Cute is what you aim for when your girlfriend / wife / friend with benefits / random pickup at the Eclipse is putting on a private show for you. Football is not "cute". Its hard work, its tireless dedication, and its grinding it out, sticking with it. There's nothing "cute" about it.
There's your gameplan to success. Roll Palko out. Take a few low-risk / high-reward chances down the field. Get to the Sanchize early and keep going after him. Don't get cute. And have the head coach wear black.
The question isn't can the Chiefs win this game. Absolutely they can. The question is will they? Before answering that question, here are the rest of my Week 14 Predictions, and for the record, I'd have taken the Steelers -15 last night (Pittsburgh won 14-3, so we're already off to a "winning start" this week, oy ...)
* at Ravens (-16) 41, Colts 3.
* at Panthers (+2 1/2) 31, Falcons 30.
* at Bengals 24, Texans (+3 1/2) 21.
* at Lions (-8) 45, Vikings 13.
* Bucs (-2) 24, at Jaguars 14. Good Times Game O' The Week! Dy-No-Mite!
* at Dolphins (-3 1/2) 24, Eagles 17.
* Saints (-3 1/2) 31, at Titans 14.
* Patriots (-9) 31, at Redskins 10.
* at Cardinals (+3 1/2) 28, 49ers 24.
* Bears (+4) 17, at tebows 10.
* at Packers (-10) 41, raiders 14.
* Bills (+7) 31, at Chargers 20. The "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week.
* at Cowboys 21, Giants (+3 1/2) 20.
* at Seahawks (-6 1/2) 20, Rams 0.
And in the matchup that matters the most to me, and I would guess most everyone reading this ...
* Chiefs (+9 1/2) 13, at Jets 3. I have a stupid superstition. (Really Stevo, just one?) And it is this: as long as the Chiefs are mathematically alive to win the Lombardi Trophy, I wear a Chiefs bracelet on my left wrist. Coach Hobo? Tyler Palko? I'm not ready to take this thing off just yet. Give us one more week to hope guys, just one more week. Especially with the potential for the Upset of a Lifetime on tap next Sunday.
Go Bills, Go Packers, Go Bears, and Go Chiefs. This season isn't over yet. It's not over yet ...
no dan, you're the travesty
About seven years ago, in my main fantasy football league, a proposal was made (and sadly approved) to allow the commissioner to have the power to review and, if he deemed it proper, to reject proposed trades made between two teams.
To say this proposal drew my full fledged ire and anger, is an understatement.
I HATE the idea of trade protests, let alone handing someone permission to veto a trade. It's insane. The commissioner doesn't own my team. He didn't pay my entry fee. He doesn't have final say over my roster. He doesn't draft my team. I do all that. I own my team. I pay my entry fee. I have total and complete final say over the roster I field every week. (Cue every other owner in the 2 Legit 2 Colquitt League wildly applauding that last sentence.)
And yet, because of trade protests and trade vetoes, I don't have total and complete control over my team. It infuriates me to this day, even if the commish (in this league, that's "The Voice of Reason") has never once exercised his veto power as commissioner.
(Yet another reason why he's designated as "The Voice of Reason" -- he gets it. It's my team, not his. If I want to screw myself, just stay out of the way and let it happen).
Let me toss out a "case in point" here, of a trade that was protested six years ago, and that set off a string of obscene, hate-filled emails that amazingly didn't get me banned from the league by my fellow owners.
I made a trade with my most hated rival, Sebree, after week four of the 2005 season. I was sitting at 1-3, in desperate need of a jumpstart to the season. Sebree was at 3-1, and ironically enough, we were facing each other that week. I sent Sebree RB Cadillac Williams from the Bucs, for essentially the Chiefs backup running back at that point, Larry Johnson. There were a few other peripheral players thrown in, but in essense, we were swapping running backs. And immediately, the peanut gallery owners began protesting.
"Steve's tanking his season!" OK, first of all, anyone who knows me knows that I don't believe in tanking, whether that be in real life sporting situations, or fantasy football. You play to win. Especially in WEEK FOUR!
"Steve's lost his mind, trading a Pro Bowler for a backup!" I had my reasons for making this deal, and they were three fold:
1. I had to shake up my roster. 1-3 and facing the division leader is not a recipe for success.
2. Johnson had become the Chiefs go-to guy at the goalline. Plus, I (sadly) was wagering on Priest Holmes, the starter for the Chiefs back then, getting hurt at some point, and Johnson taking over the featured role.
3. Cadillac Williams had a long injury history. The odds of him staying healthy were slim and none, and I was wagering on none.
"Steve's handing the division to Sebree with this trade!" I mean, sweet Jesus, of ALL the reasons for filing a protest, this one made the least amount of sense. Sebree and I's rivalry isn't confined to the fantasy football field -- we legitimately despise each other in real life as well. There are people in my league that I'd have no issues with seeing win ahead of me, if my team couldn't come out on top. Sebree is most assuredly NOT one of those people.
So what happened? The commish (correctly) ignored the protests and allowed the trade to go through. (Note: I might have tossed in some financial considerations to the commish to make this happen. I might not have. I genuinely don't remember if I bribed him or not. If I had to guess? I'd bet on at least a $20 and a six pack of something changing hands. But that's just speculation and rumor.)
And EVERY damned reason that I made the trade, proved to be valid. team tito version 1.0 went out and won that week against Sebree. Cadillac Williams? Blew out his knee that very week, and has never recovered from that injury. Priest Holmes? Suffered essentially a career-ending injury two weeks later. Larry Johnson? Went on to post the most epic 25 week run at the position the Chiefs have ever seen. And team tito version 1.0? Closed 7-3 with Johnson as my franchise player, to win the division ... and then the following season posted the best record in the league at 12-2, with Larry Johnson posting 25 point games every week.
A trade that was ripped by nearly every other owner, that nearly every other owner demanded be vetoed, forever changed the course of team tito version 1.0's franchise history. Prior to that trade, I had made the playoffs exactly once in eight seasons of play. In the six seasons since that trade? I've made it to the playoffs five times, won four division titles, and now in season seven, I am still somehow mathematically alive for the playoffs at 6-7 despite having the second lowest scoring roster in the league. (It's a long shot to make it, I basically need about four other teams to lose ... but still. Mathematically alive, after starting 1-5.)
(Oh, and against Sebree? 2-0! F*ck you dude.)
I make this long winded point, for two reasons.
1. I HATE trade protests, trade vetoes, basically any outside interference in how I run my team. Its insanity at its finest. The idea that a grown adult is too stupid to manage a freaking fantasy team, and needs some caretaker to oversee him, is insulting. And
2. Its even more insulting in real life.
Last night, the Lakers, Rockets, and Hornets completed a three team trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Lakers, Pau Gasol to the Rockets, and Lamar Odom and Kevin Martin to the Hornets, along with various other considerations, such as draft picks and cash. I use the words "would have", because a few whiny, bitchy, malcontent owners complained to Commissioner Stern that (waa!) the Lakers were adding a superstar, so (waa!) he should overturn the trade.
Incredibly enough ... he did.
It's the highest level of insult imaginable. Not just to the people who run the Lakers, Rockets, and Hornets (all of whom are competent, capable GMs), not just to the players involved in the transaction, but most of all, to me, and people like me -- the FANS of this sport.
I don't give a damn about the Rockets at all. I had a roommate for one semester in college who was from Houston and a huge Rockets fan. Other than that semester? Haven't thought about the Rockets in fifteen years. I don't give a damn about the Hornets, outside of the hope that they'll move to Kansas City next summer. And even then, I don't really care all that much -- I'd settle for the Kings, the Bobcats, or an expansion team, I just want a NBA team calling the Sprint Centre home come September 2012.
And as for the Lakers? I despise them. They're the tim tebows of the basketball world to me -- they disgust me, they make me want to hurl empty beer cans at the TV ... but I can't turn away, because they're so damned entertaining to watch. And adding Chris Paul? Would have made them that much more enjoyable to watch.
(To say nothing of the wasted opportunity of having a Kardashian sister living in the French Quarter! Oh sweet Jesus, what a wasted opportunity! Can you imagine the bead earning potential come Fat Tuesday for that train wreck of a family?)
Last night, the reason for the veto was leaked, and not surprisingly, the lead owner in protesting this trade was the biggest ass walking the planet, Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Below is the text of his email to Commissioner Stern, as reported by Yahoo! sports, and honestly? This thing is so outrageous, I'm breaking it down Steve-style. (For those unfamiliar with Steve-style breakdowns, I put the original text in italics, and my response appears in normal font.)
(OK, fine, Pete King of Sports Illustrated is the biggest ass walking the planet. But Dan Gilbert's a damned close second.)
Commissioner,
sk: classy opening there Danny boy. Can't even say Dave's name.
It would be a travesty to allow the Lakers to acquire Chris Paul in the apparent trade being discussed.
sk: how? How was the proposed trade a travesty? Furthermore, while certainly you are entitled to an opinion, who the hell are you, Dan Gilbert, owner of a team so sh*tty last year that it owned the number one pick in the draft, who the hell are you to comment on what transactions count as a "travesty"? You traded for Baron Davis for Christ's sake. THAT was a travesty.
This trade should go to a vote of the 29 owners of the Hornets.
sk: and if it did, any sane owner would vote "yes" on the deal. I'm guessing Ol' Danny Boy is the only retard in the room who'd vote no. Well, scratch that -- anytime Don Sterling is in the room, the retard quotient doubles.
Over the next three seasons, this deal would save the Lakers approximately $20 million in salaries and approximately $21 million in luxury taxes.
sk: and your point is? What, jealous that another franchise is making smart moves, as opposed to trading for Baron Davis, Danny Boy? I mean, sweet Jesus, how can any Cavs fan be anything but abjectly embarrassed by their owner?
That $21 million goes to non-tax paying teams and to fund revenue sharing.
sk: aha, now we get to why Ol' Danny Boy opposes this deal. He's going to lose a couple million over the next three years of the LAKERS money rolling into his checking account. What a cunt.
I cannot remember ever seeing a trade where a team got by far the best player in the trade and saved over $40 million in the process.
sk: whoa, back the Brinks truck up, Danny Boy. First of all, I'd rather have Pau Gasol than Chris Paul. I might be in the minority, but I'd MUCH rather have Gasol. You can always find a serviceable point guard who can post 10 assists a night and have a 2:1 assist to turnover ratio. (Well, unless you're KU and you start Tyshawn Taylor, then you can ignore that thought.) The odds of you finding a seven footer who shoots 55 percent from the floor, and has 25 foot range? You can count on about three fingers the number of guys who can do that right now, and two of those fingers are owned by guys named Gasol. (I'd also lump Paul Pierce into that grouping). To claim that the Lakers got "by far" the best player, wow. No wonder the Cavs suck balls.
And again, he's upset at the Lakers saving money! Here's a thought Danny Boy -- do you REALLY think the Lakers are trading for Chris Paul unless they plan to sign him to an extension? Do you really think they're trading one of the 12-15 best players in the world to rent Chris Paul for 66 games? Come on. Not even I'm this stupid. I guaran-damn-tee you a 5 year, $100 million max-contract extension would have been signed come 1pm CT today if this trade had gone through. And Danny Boy? That's the $20 million per year the Lakers just "saved" on Gasol's salary, PLUS they're right back into paying the $21 million in luxury taxes. Oy, let's move on before I start bashing my head against the wall.
And it doesn't appear they would give up any draft picks, which might allow them to later make a trade for Dwight Howard.
sk: my God, what an outrage! A team making itself better by dealing draft picks and players for better players! Christ, that never happens! I mean, Danny Boy, your team never dealt draft picks for Antawn Jamison, Mo Williams, and other assorted flotsam and jetsom in an attempt to field a championship team around LeBron James, did you? What's that, you did? Oh, my bad. I swear, I don't know Dan Gilbert from a corpse, and I'm really growing to HATE this deuschebag.
They would also get a large trade exemption that would help them improve their team and/or eventually trade for Howard.
sk: what, like the "large trade exemption" YOU got when losing LeBron last summer? A trade exemption YOU are free to use at any time, you know, if you weren't such a tight ass sadist and actually gave a damn about improving your team, as opposed to being the Frank McCourt of the NBA, and bilking every cent out of your team that you can?
Furthermore, who the hell is Dan Gilbert to tell the Lakers what they can and cannot do? Danny Boy, step back for a minute and view this logically, which granted is something you are completely incapable of doing, but work with me here. Let's say the Lakers add both Chris Paul and Dwight Howard. Let's say the Knicks add Deron Williams, let's say the Celtics keep the Core Four together, let's say the Spurs, Mavs, and Heat remain championship contenders. Let me ask you this Danny Boy -- is ABC / ESPN, TNT, and FOX Sports going to pay MORE ... or LESS ... for the privilege of broadcasting 8-10 loaded championship contenders? And if the answer is "MORE" (which it is), are you going to get MORE or LESS money from those contracts and the revenue sharing plan enacted in this new CBA? And if the answer to that is "MORE" (which it is), then (stevo screaming voice) WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BITCHING ABOUT THIS PROPOSED TRADE, AND ABOUT A TRADE THAT NOBODY THINKS IS GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE DWIGHT HOWARD WANTS TO GO TO NEW JERSEY!?!?!?!?!?!
My God, anyone who says owners are the smartest people in the room at a negotiating session, obviously has never met, read, or otherwise interacted with Danny Boy Gilbert.
When the Lakers got Pau Gasol (at the time considered a lopsided trade), they took on tens of millions in additional salary and luxury tax and they gave up a number of prospects (one in Marc Gasol who may become a max player).
sk: again, with the "luxury tax". Dan Gilbert is a piece of shit who is only in this for the cash. Which is fine -- the world needs greedy pieces of shit for the global economy to properly function. But the sports world sure as all hell doesn't need them.
And also, as Danny Boy himself writes -- the Gasol trade was considered lopsided at the time. NOBODY is saying it is lopsided today. NOBODY. Go back to how I opened this rapidly disintegrating post, how you can't judge a trade the day its made, you have to judge it with the benefit of hindsight, and give the trade participants the benefit of the doubt.
I just don't see how we can allow this trade to happen.
sk: I just don't see how you were successful enough in life to purchase a NBA franchise. Thank GOD I'm not a Cavs fan. I'd light my hoodie on fire if I was.
I know the vast majority of owners feel the same way I do.
sk: how? How do you know that, Danny Boy? You wanted to take a vote of the 29 owners. That vote didn't occur. How do you know they oppose this trade? Furthermore, the owners approved the CBA yesterday 24-5 (25-5 counting the Hornets "vote"). CLEARLY, ownership doesn't have a problem with super-teams being created, as the new CBA specifically allows it to happen in the first two years of said CBA. A couple more sentences, and Ol' Pete King might be off the hook as the biggest ass walking the planet.
When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?
sk: when are you going to stop being a clueless asshat who seeks to interfere with other teams' business? When are you going to spend some of this luxury tax money you're pocketing and actually use it to improve your roster? When are you going to get over the fact that LeBron James looked at how cluelessly you run your team, and said "hell no" to sticking around? We all get jilted by someone in life at some point in time, Danny Boy. GET. OVER. IT.
Please advise, Dan G.
sk: yes, please advise Dan. Please advise your fans when you intend to upgrade the roster, when you plan to use that max trade exemption you're sitting on to bring in someone with talent, when you plan on spending the luxury tax money you're stealing. When you plan on getting a f*cking clue and doing what any person with an ounce of common sense that owns a team does -- hire a rock solid GM, give him money to spend, and then get the hell out of the way.
If the NBA doesn't allow this trade to go through, it's a TRAVESTY, to use Danny Boy's own words. My team might not be the biggest spender in the market -- its far from it. I'm planning to head up to Milwaukee in a few weeks to watch the Bucks play, either January 28th against the Lakers, or February 11th against the Magic. The Bucks will be underdogs both nights (provided Dwight Howard is still in a Magic uniform). And you know what? They absolutely can beat both of those teams. Because while Brandon Jennings might not be Chris Paul, and Andrew Bogut might not be Pau Gasol, and yes, the thought of cheering for a Dunleavy scares the shit out of me, the NBA is fun. It's funner when you have a villian to root against.
There's a reason why baseball's ratings are as high as they've ever been. Love them or hate them, everyone in the sport benefits when the Yankees and Red Sox are good. There's a reason why football's ratings are as high as they've ever been. Love them or hate them, everyone in the sport benefits when the Steelers and Packers are good. And there's a reason why the NBA's ratings achieved record highs last spring. Because love them or hate them, the Heat reaching the Finals benefits the entire sport. The Lakers posting the best regular season record? Benefits the entire sport.
That's what short-looking folks like Dan Gilbert don't get. It's what the NBA owners didn't get until it was nearly too late. If you want to grow the sport? Give the casual fan a reason to tune in. My dad is your definition of a "casual fan". Actually scrap that -- my dad hates the NBA. He likes college ball, but hates the NBA. Guess who watched every second of the Finals last June? My dad. Because he wanted to see what all the hate about the Heat was about. Many other people were the same way.
Fans like me? Tune in for every second of 40 Days in 40 Nights, we order the League Pass, and schedule a Tuesday evening around whatever the Fan Vote Game is on NBA TV. Its not fans like me this trade screws. Its the fans who the sport drug in last spring during the incredible postseason. If owners like Dan Gilbert get their way, and this trade doesn't get completed? Kiss those fans goodbye. Kiss the added revenue those fans attending a game or three might bring in. Kiss the added revenue increased TV ratings would bring in.
All because Danny Boy, and a few others like him, are upset that the Lakers are making a smart trade -- acquiring a good player, shedding salary, getting below the luxury tax threshold. Upset that the Rockets are making a great trade, adding a top 15 player that immediately makes them a sleeper threat to roll through the Western bracket come May, ala the Mavs last year. Upset that the Hornets got 80 cents on the dollar for a player leaving in 66 games.
I HATE trade protests. The proposed Chris Paul deal? Is EXACTLY why I hate them. Right down to a whiny bitch of an owner thinking he knows better than the parties involved how to run THEIR team, while his own team is so poorly run that it can't even win 22% of the games it played last year ...
To say this proposal drew my full fledged ire and anger, is an understatement.
I HATE the idea of trade protests, let alone handing someone permission to veto a trade. It's insane. The commissioner doesn't own my team. He didn't pay my entry fee. He doesn't have final say over my roster. He doesn't draft my team. I do all that. I own my team. I pay my entry fee. I have total and complete final say over the roster I field every week. (Cue every other owner in the 2 Legit 2 Colquitt League wildly applauding that last sentence.)
And yet, because of trade protests and trade vetoes, I don't have total and complete control over my team. It infuriates me to this day, even if the commish (in this league, that's "The Voice of Reason") has never once exercised his veto power as commissioner.
(Yet another reason why he's designated as "The Voice of Reason" -- he gets it. It's my team, not his. If I want to screw myself, just stay out of the way and let it happen).
Let me toss out a "case in point" here, of a trade that was protested six years ago, and that set off a string of obscene, hate-filled emails that amazingly didn't get me banned from the league by my fellow owners.
I made a trade with my most hated rival, Sebree, after week four of the 2005 season. I was sitting at 1-3, in desperate need of a jumpstart to the season. Sebree was at 3-1, and ironically enough, we were facing each other that week. I sent Sebree RB Cadillac Williams from the Bucs, for essentially the Chiefs backup running back at that point, Larry Johnson. There were a few other peripheral players thrown in, but in essense, we were swapping running backs. And immediately, the peanut gallery owners began protesting.
"Steve's tanking his season!" OK, first of all, anyone who knows me knows that I don't believe in tanking, whether that be in real life sporting situations, or fantasy football. You play to win. Especially in WEEK FOUR!
"Steve's lost his mind, trading a Pro Bowler for a backup!" I had my reasons for making this deal, and they were three fold:
1. I had to shake up my roster. 1-3 and facing the division leader is not a recipe for success.
2. Johnson had become the Chiefs go-to guy at the goalline. Plus, I (sadly) was wagering on Priest Holmes, the starter for the Chiefs back then, getting hurt at some point, and Johnson taking over the featured role.
3. Cadillac Williams had a long injury history. The odds of him staying healthy were slim and none, and I was wagering on none.
"Steve's handing the division to Sebree with this trade!" I mean, sweet Jesus, of ALL the reasons for filing a protest, this one made the least amount of sense. Sebree and I's rivalry isn't confined to the fantasy football field -- we legitimately despise each other in real life as well. There are people in my league that I'd have no issues with seeing win ahead of me, if my team couldn't come out on top. Sebree is most assuredly NOT one of those people.
So what happened? The commish (correctly) ignored the protests and allowed the trade to go through. (Note: I might have tossed in some financial considerations to the commish to make this happen. I might not have. I genuinely don't remember if I bribed him or not. If I had to guess? I'd bet on at least a $20 and a six pack of something changing hands. But that's just speculation and rumor.)
And EVERY damned reason that I made the trade, proved to be valid. team tito version 1.0 went out and won that week against Sebree. Cadillac Williams? Blew out his knee that very week, and has never recovered from that injury. Priest Holmes? Suffered essentially a career-ending injury two weeks later. Larry Johnson? Went on to post the most epic 25 week run at the position the Chiefs have ever seen. And team tito version 1.0? Closed 7-3 with Johnson as my franchise player, to win the division ... and then the following season posted the best record in the league at 12-2, with Larry Johnson posting 25 point games every week.
A trade that was ripped by nearly every other owner, that nearly every other owner demanded be vetoed, forever changed the course of team tito version 1.0's franchise history. Prior to that trade, I had made the playoffs exactly once in eight seasons of play. In the six seasons since that trade? I've made it to the playoffs five times, won four division titles, and now in season seven, I am still somehow mathematically alive for the playoffs at 6-7 despite having the second lowest scoring roster in the league. (It's a long shot to make it, I basically need about four other teams to lose ... but still. Mathematically alive, after starting 1-5.)
(Oh, and against Sebree? 2-0! F*ck you dude.)
I make this long winded point, for two reasons.
1. I HATE trade protests, trade vetoes, basically any outside interference in how I run my team. Its insanity at its finest. The idea that a grown adult is too stupid to manage a freaking fantasy team, and needs some caretaker to oversee him, is insulting. And
2. Its even more insulting in real life.
Last night, the Lakers, Rockets, and Hornets completed a three team trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Lakers, Pau Gasol to the Rockets, and Lamar Odom and Kevin Martin to the Hornets, along with various other considerations, such as draft picks and cash. I use the words "would have", because a few whiny, bitchy, malcontent owners complained to Commissioner Stern that (waa!) the Lakers were adding a superstar, so (waa!) he should overturn the trade.
Incredibly enough ... he did.
It's the highest level of insult imaginable. Not just to the people who run the Lakers, Rockets, and Hornets (all of whom are competent, capable GMs), not just to the players involved in the transaction, but most of all, to me, and people like me -- the FANS of this sport.
I don't give a damn about the Rockets at all. I had a roommate for one semester in college who was from Houston and a huge Rockets fan. Other than that semester? Haven't thought about the Rockets in fifteen years. I don't give a damn about the Hornets, outside of the hope that they'll move to Kansas City next summer. And even then, I don't really care all that much -- I'd settle for the Kings, the Bobcats, or an expansion team, I just want a NBA team calling the Sprint Centre home come September 2012.
And as for the Lakers? I despise them. They're the tim tebows of the basketball world to me -- they disgust me, they make me want to hurl empty beer cans at the TV ... but I can't turn away, because they're so damned entertaining to watch. And adding Chris Paul? Would have made them that much more enjoyable to watch.
(To say nothing of the wasted opportunity of having a Kardashian sister living in the French Quarter! Oh sweet Jesus, what a wasted opportunity! Can you imagine the bead earning potential come Fat Tuesday for that train wreck of a family?)
Last night, the reason for the veto was leaked, and not surprisingly, the lead owner in protesting this trade was the biggest ass walking the planet, Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Below is the text of his email to Commissioner Stern, as reported by Yahoo! sports, and honestly? This thing is so outrageous, I'm breaking it down Steve-style. (For those unfamiliar with Steve-style breakdowns, I put the original text in italics, and my response appears in normal font.)
(OK, fine, Pete King of Sports Illustrated is the biggest ass walking the planet. But Dan Gilbert's a damned close second.)
Commissioner,
sk: classy opening there Danny boy. Can't even say Dave's name.
It would be a travesty to allow the Lakers to acquire Chris Paul in the apparent trade being discussed.
sk: how? How was the proposed trade a travesty? Furthermore, while certainly you are entitled to an opinion, who the hell are you, Dan Gilbert, owner of a team so sh*tty last year that it owned the number one pick in the draft, who the hell are you to comment on what transactions count as a "travesty"? You traded for Baron Davis for Christ's sake. THAT was a travesty.
This trade should go to a vote of the 29 owners of the Hornets.
sk: and if it did, any sane owner would vote "yes" on the deal. I'm guessing Ol' Danny Boy is the only retard in the room who'd vote no. Well, scratch that -- anytime Don Sterling is in the room, the retard quotient doubles.
Over the next three seasons, this deal would save the Lakers approximately $20 million in salaries and approximately $21 million in luxury taxes.
sk: and your point is? What, jealous that another franchise is making smart moves, as opposed to trading for Baron Davis, Danny Boy? I mean, sweet Jesus, how can any Cavs fan be anything but abjectly embarrassed by their owner?
That $21 million goes to non-tax paying teams and to fund revenue sharing.
sk: aha, now we get to why Ol' Danny Boy opposes this deal. He's going to lose a couple million over the next three years of the LAKERS money rolling into his checking account. What a cunt.
I cannot remember ever seeing a trade where a team got by far the best player in the trade and saved over $40 million in the process.
sk: whoa, back the Brinks truck up, Danny Boy. First of all, I'd rather have Pau Gasol than Chris Paul. I might be in the minority, but I'd MUCH rather have Gasol. You can always find a serviceable point guard who can post 10 assists a night and have a 2:1 assist to turnover ratio. (Well, unless you're KU and you start Tyshawn Taylor, then you can ignore that thought.) The odds of you finding a seven footer who shoots 55 percent from the floor, and has 25 foot range? You can count on about three fingers the number of guys who can do that right now, and two of those fingers are owned by guys named Gasol. (I'd also lump Paul Pierce into that grouping). To claim that the Lakers got "by far" the best player, wow. No wonder the Cavs suck balls.
And again, he's upset at the Lakers saving money! Here's a thought Danny Boy -- do you REALLY think the Lakers are trading for Chris Paul unless they plan to sign him to an extension? Do you really think they're trading one of the 12-15 best players in the world to rent Chris Paul for 66 games? Come on. Not even I'm this stupid. I guaran-damn-tee you a 5 year, $100 million max-contract extension would have been signed come 1pm CT today if this trade had gone through. And Danny Boy? That's the $20 million per year the Lakers just "saved" on Gasol's salary, PLUS they're right back into paying the $21 million in luxury taxes. Oy, let's move on before I start bashing my head against the wall.
And it doesn't appear they would give up any draft picks, which might allow them to later make a trade for Dwight Howard.
sk: my God, what an outrage! A team making itself better by dealing draft picks and players for better players! Christ, that never happens! I mean, Danny Boy, your team never dealt draft picks for Antawn Jamison, Mo Williams, and other assorted flotsam and jetsom in an attempt to field a championship team around LeBron James, did you? What's that, you did? Oh, my bad. I swear, I don't know Dan Gilbert from a corpse, and I'm really growing to HATE this deuschebag.
They would also get a large trade exemption that would help them improve their team and/or eventually trade for Howard.
sk: what, like the "large trade exemption" YOU got when losing LeBron last summer? A trade exemption YOU are free to use at any time, you know, if you weren't such a tight ass sadist and actually gave a damn about improving your team, as opposed to being the Frank McCourt of the NBA, and bilking every cent out of your team that you can?
Furthermore, who the hell is Dan Gilbert to tell the Lakers what they can and cannot do? Danny Boy, step back for a minute and view this logically, which granted is something you are completely incapable of doing, but work with me here. Let's say the Lakers add both Chris Paul and Dwight Howard. Let's say the Knicks add Deron Williams, let's say the Celtics keep the Core Four together, let's say the Spurs, Mavs, and Heat remain championship contenders. Let me ask you this Danny Boy -- is ABC / ESPN, TNT, and FOX Sports going to pay MORE ... or LESS ... for the privilege of broadcasting 8-10 loaded championship contenders? And if the answer is "MORE" (which it is), are you going to get MORE or LESS money from those contracts and the revenue sharing plan enacted in this new CBA? And if the answer to that is "MORE" (which it is), then (stevo screaming voice) WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BITCHING ABOUT THIS PROPOSED TRADE, AND ABOUT A TRADE THAT NOBODY THINKS IS GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE DWIGHT HOWARD WANTS TO GO TO NEW JERSEY!?!?!?!?!?!
My God, anyone who says owners are the smartest people in the room at a negotiating session, obviously has never met, read, or otherwise interacted with Danny Boy Gilbert.
When the Lakers got Pau Gasol (at the time considered a lopsided trade), they took on tens of millions in additional salary and luxury tax and they gave up a number of prospects (one in Marc Gasol who may become a max player).
sk: again, with the "luxury tax". Dan Gilbert is a piece of shit who is only in this for the cash. Which is fine -- the world needs greedy pieces of shit for the global economy to properly function. But the sports world sure as all hell doesn't need them.
And also, as Danny Boy himself writes -- the Gasol trade was considered lopsided at the time. NOBODY is saying it is lopsided today. NOBODY. Go back to how I opened this rapidly disintegrating post, how you can't judge a trade the day its made, you have to judge it with the benefit of hindsight, and give the trade participants the benefit of the doubt.
I just don't see how we can allow this trade to happen.
sk: I just don't see how you were successful enough in life to purchase a NBA franchise. Thank GOD I'm not a Cavs fan. I'd light my hoodie on fire if I was.
I know the vast majority of owners feel the same way I do.
sk: how? How do you know that, Danny Boy? You wanted to take a vote of the 29 owners. That vote didn't occur. How do you know they oppose this trade? Furthermore, the owners approved the CBA yesterday 24-5 (25-5 counting the Hornets "vote"). CLEARLY, ownership doesn't have a problem with super-teams being created, as the new CBA specifically allows it to happen in the first two years of said CBA. A couple more sentences, and Ol' Pete King might be off the hook as the biggest ass walking the planet.
When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?
sk: when are you going to stop being a clueless asshat who seeks to interfere with other teams' business? When are you going to spend some of this luxury tax money you're pocketing and actually use it to improve your roster? When are you going to get over the fact that LeBron James looked at how cluelessly you run your team, and said "hell no" to sticking around? We all get jilted by someone in life at some point in time, Danny Boy. GET. OVER. IT.
Please advise, Dan G.
sk: yes, please advise Dan. Please advise your fans when you intend to upgrade the roster, when you plan to use that max trade exemption you're sitting on to bring in someone with talent, when you plan on spending the luxury tax money you're stealing. When you plan on getting a f*cking clue and doing what any person with an ounce of common sense that owns a team does -- hire a rock solid GM, give him money to spend, and then get the hell out of the way.
If the NBA doesn't allow this trade to go through, it's a TRAVESTY, to use Danny Boy's own words. My team might not be the biggest spender in the market -- its far from it. I'm planning to head up to Milwaukee in a few weeks to watch the Bucks play, either January 28th against the Lakers, or February 11th against the Magic. The Bucks will be underdogs both nights (provided Dwight Howard is still in a Magic uniform). And you know what? They absolutely can beat both of those teams. Because while Brandon Jennings might not be Chris Paul, and Andrew Bogut might not be Pau Gasol, and yes, the thought of cheering for a Dunleavy scares the shit out of me, the NBA is fun. It's funner when you have a villian to root against.
There's a reason why baseball's ratings are as high as they've ever been. Love them or hate them, everyone in the sport benefits when the Yankees and Red Sox are good. There's a reason why football's ratings are as high as they've ever been. Love them or hate them, everyone in the sport benefits when the Steelers and Packers are good. And there's a reason why the NBA's ratings achieved record highs last spring. Because love them or hate them, the Heat reaching the Finals benefits the entire sport. The Lakers posting the best regular season record? Benefits the entire sport.
That's what short-looking folks like Dan Gilbert don't get. It's what the NBA owners didn't get until it was nearly too late. If you want to grow the sport? Give the casual fan a reason to tune in. My dad is your definition of a "casual fan". Actually scrap that -- my dad hates the NBA. He likes college ball, but hates the NBA. Guess who watched every second of the Finals last June? My dad. Because he wanted to see what all the hate about the Heat was about. Many other people were the same way.
Fans like me? Tune in for every second of 40 Days in 40 Nights, we order the League Pass, and schedule a Tuesday evening around whatever the Fan Vote Game is on NBA TV. Its not fans like me this trade screws. Its the fans who the sport drug in last spring during the incredible postseason. If owners like Dan Gilbert get their way, and this trade doesn't get completed? Kiss those fans goodbye. Kiss the added revenue those fans attending a game or three might bring in. Kiss the added revenue increased TV ratings would bring in.
All because Danny Boy, and a few others like him, are upset that the Lakers are making a smart trade -- acquiring a good player, shedding salary, getting below the luxury tax threshold. Upset that the Rockets are making a great trade, adding a top 15 player that immediately makes them a sleeper threat to roll through the Western bracket come May, ala the Mavs last year. Upset that the Hornets got 80 cents on the dollar for a player leaving in 66 games.
I HATE trade protests. The proposed Chris Paul deal? Is EXACTLY why I hate them. Right down to a whiny bitch of an owner thinking he knows better than the parties involved how to run THEIR team, while his own team is so poorly run that it can't even win 22% of the games it played last year ...
chuck weis? really? chuck weis?
I am all for teams I don't care about making stupid hirings.
For example, I whole-heartedly endorsed MU hiring Frank Haith as its basketball coach. Frank Haith has as much qualification to be a D1 basketball coach as I do -- he's inept, he's incompetent, he's at best a mediocre recruiter, and he certainly would make any fan of a program that hired him pause for a moment, and then scream "THEY HIRED HIM!?!?!?!" in response to said hiring.
Yesterday, the college football team I root for, that until the awful Turner Gill hire I had season tickets for, hired Chuck Weis to run its program. Let that sink in -- a FBS level school, in a BCS conference, hired the man who roo-eened Notre Dame football to "turn its program around".
Which would make sense ... if KU was still Mark Mangino-era good. Because the only turning Chuck Weis is going to do, is of a negative kind. I'm not sure how you can do worse than 1-24 in your last 25 conference games ... but if anyone can do it, its Chuck Weis.
(Actually, I need to correct that last paragraph -- Chuck Weis is going to cause some turning. Of Don Fambrough in his grave.)
I'm sick. I'm disgusted. I'm infuriated that the best KU can do in replacing Turner Gill, a man "affectionately" known on this site as Coach Cornf*cker, I'm infuriated that the best we can apparently do in replacing Turner Gill, is to hire a man who destroyed one of, if not the, most prominently known D1 programs in America.
This hire is Steve Rule 34 at its finest.
You know, Steve Rule 34. "Anytime you make a decision, and find that the reaction to that decision is that people say "you'd have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to have done that!", just assume you've f*cked up". Well, last time I checked, my name is Steve, and I think this is a mentally retarded decision ... so its DEFINITELY retarded.
This is a screw-up worse than hiring Turner Gill, worse than entrusting the program to Mike Gottfried, even worse than allowing Glen Mason to come back after he accepted the Georgia job in 1995. This one trumps them all.
Because we ALL know going in how this is going to end. And it's not going to end well.
This is the equivalent of Scott Pioli firing Todd Haley in a month to hire Josh McDaniels. (And yes, I am fully aware that is a 50/50 prop bet right now. Please, don't remind me.)
This is the equivalent of firing Mark Mangino for a coach who was 20-30 at Buffalo, and handing him a $10 million guaranteed contract for his "achievements" to date. Not the Bills -- the University of Buffalo. (Wait, KU did that last time? Jesus f*cking Christ.)
To compare this to how utterly retarded it truly is, this is the equivalent of an owner meeting with his head coach after a 4-12 season, emerging from said meeting, and then announcing at a press conference regarding his head coach that "well, he didn't quit, and I didn't fire him, so I guess he'll be back". (Note: if you ever wonder why the Detroit Lions are the worst franchise in the NFL, look no further than their ownership. The previous quote was actually stated by Lions owner William Clay Ford regarding his head coach at the time, Wayne Fontes.
I got a text at about 10:40 last night from "The Voice of Reason" (who, to his credit, hates this hire even more than I do, and I just invoked Steve Rule 34 in arguing against it), noting that "well, he might be able to get Jim Leavitt as DC". Here's a hint, Sheahon Zenger and whatever the f*ck consulting firm you used to make this insane hire: when the BEST argument in favor of the hire is who said coach's coordinators might be? You have SERIOUSLY f*cked the pooch. Christ, we're beyond f*cking said pooch, we're into anal territory at this point.
This is the single most stupid, retarded, indefensible thing a KU AD has ever done for one of the two major programs. (Three if you count baseball). Terry Allen, Turner Gill, Mike Gottfried, firing Mark Mangino, firing Don Fambrough twice, hiring Ted Owens, all more defensible than this. Hell, hiring Al Bohl to run the entire athletic department is more defensible than this -- at least Al Bohl had the presence of mind to hire Pat Hill at Fresno State.
Pat Hill -- he's still available. God forbid we hire a f*cking coach who coaches UP his team, as opposed to someone who rides his predecessor's recruits for two years, and then when his kids arrive, the thing craters to 3-9, 5-7, and 6-6.
I defy anyone reading this to defend this hire. Because outside of getting one day of national publicity, all of which is basically "they hired who?!?!" howls of laughter, what possible justification is there for this? What, Mike's Montana Steakhouse's buffet line was missing a jolly fat man every Tuesday night cleaning them out? Joe College had a surplus of "Our Coach is Phat" or "Our Coach Beat Anorexia" t-shirts still to hawk off in violation of a court order? This is the single worst possible outcome from the coaching search, save for re-hiring Turner Gill. And honestly? I'd rather have Gill than Weis. How ridiculous is that, that a KU fan can honestly type "I'd rather have Turner Gill than Chuck Weis as my head coach", and mean it?
There will be KU fans who will preach patience, who will say "give it a chance". To which I reply, unedited: bullshit. There's no need to "give this a chance", because we all know how this will end. Probably three years from now, with another multi-million dollar buyout, after winning what, 2 or 3 conference games in those three years? I'll give Chuckie this -- he probably won't lose to North Dakota State. But he sure as all hell won't beat Georgia Tech, like Turner Gill did in his second game. Or Virginia Tech, like Mark Mangino did in the biggest bowl game KU has ever played.
Or Texas Tech, as Terry Allen did two of the three times he faced them.
If this is the best Sheahon Zenger can do ... its time to buy him out as well. Because if this is his best, it's not good enough. It's not even close. I've felt a lot of things as a KU football fan over the years. Anger. Rage. One brief bit of ecstasy in 2007. One really happy moment rushing the field after the "Sur"render of a lifetime that fall.
Today? I feel nothing but embarrassment. In three short years, KU has gone from the Orange Bowl, to hitting its knees in a pathetic attempt to recruit the man who destroyed Irish football to take the job. Embarrassment. I'm guessing the colors of that word are crimson and blue ...
For example, I whole-heartedly endorsed MU hiring Frank Haith as its basketball coach. Frank Haith has as much qualification to be a D1 basketball coach as I do -- he's inept, he's incompetent, he's at best a mediocre recruiter, and he certainly would make any fan of a program that hired him pause for a moment, and then scream "THEY HIRED HIM!?!?!?!" in response to said hiring.
Yesterday, the college football team I root for, that until the awful Turner Gill hire I had season tickets for, hired Chuck Weis to run its program. Let that sink in -- a FBS level school, in a BCS conference, hired the man who roo-eened Notre Dame football to "turn its program around".
Which would make sense ... if KU was still Mark Mangino-era good. Because the only turning Chuck Weis is going to do, is of a negative kind. I'm not sure how you can do worse than 1-24 in your last 25 conference games ... but if anyone can do it, its Chuck Weis.
(Actually, I need to correct that last paragraph -- Chuck Weis is going to cause some turning. Of Don Fambrough in his grave.)
I'm sick. I'm disgusted. I'm infuriated that the best KU can do in replacing Turner Gill, a man "affectionately" known on this site as Coach Cornf*cker, I'm infuriated that the best we can apparently do in replacing Turner Gill, is to hire a man who destroyed one of, if not the, most prominently known D1 programs in America.
This hire is Steve Rule 34 at its finest.
You know, Steve Rule 34. "Anytime you make a decision, and find that the reaction to that decision is that people say "you'd have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to have done that!", just assume you've f*cked up". Well, last time I checked, my name is Steve, and I think this is a mentally retarded decision ... so its DEFINITELY retarded.
This is a screw-up worse than hiring Turner Gill, worse than entrusting the program to Mike Gottfried, even worse than allowing Glen Mason to come back after he accepted the Georgia job in 1995. This one trumps them all.
Because we ALL know going in how this is going to end. And it's not going to end well.
This is the equivalent of Scott Pioli firing Todd Haley in a month to hire Josh McDaniels. (And yes, I am fully aware that is a 50/50 prop bet right now. Please, don't remind me.)
This is the equivalent of firing Mark Mangino for a coach who was 20-30 at Buffalo, and handing him a $10 million guaranteed contract for his "achievements" to date. Not the Bills -- the University of Buffalo. (Wait, KU did that last time? Jesus f*cking Christ.)
To compare this to how utterly retarded it truly is, this is the equivalent of an owner meeting with his head coach after a 4-12 season, emerging from said meeting, and then announcing at a press conference regarding his head coach that "well, he didn't quit, and I didn't fire him, so I guess he'll be back". (Note: if you ever wonder why the Detroit Lions are the worst franchise in the NFL, look no further than their ownership. The previous quote was actually stated by Lions owner William Clay Ford regarding his head coach at the time, Wayne Fontes.
I got a text at about 10:40 last night from "The Voice of Reason" (who, to his credit, hates this hire even more than I do, and I just invoked Steve Rule 34 in arguing against it), noting that "well, he might be able to get Jim Leavitt as DC". Here's a hint, Sheahon Zenger and whatever the f*ck consulting firm you used to make this insane hire: when the BEST argument in favor of the hire is who said coach's coordinators might be? You have SERIOUSLY f*cked the pooch. Christ, we're beyond f*cking said pooch, we're into anal territory at this point.
This is the single most stupid, retarded, indefensible thing a KU AD has ever done for one of the two major programs. (Three if you count baseball). Terry Allen, Turner Gill, Mike Gottfried, firing Mark Mangino, firing Don Fambrough twice, hiring Ted Owens, all more defensible than this. Hell, hiring Al Bohl to run the entire athletic department is more defensible than this -- at least Al Bohl had the presence of mind to hire Pat Hill at Fresno State.
Pat Hill -- he's still available. God forbid we hire a f*cking coach who coaches UP his team, as opposed to someone who rides his predecessor's recruits for two years, and then when his kids arrive, the thing craters to 3-9, 5-7, and 6-6.
I defy anyone reading this to defend this hire. Because outside of getting one day of national publicity, all of which is basically "they hired who?!?!" howls of laughter, what possible justification is there for this? What, Mike's Montana Steakhouse's buffet line was missing a jolly fat man every Tuesday night cleaning them out? Joe College had a surplus of "Our Coach is Phat" or "Our Coach Beat Anorexia" t-shirts still to hawk off in violation of a court order? This is the single worst possible outcome from the coaching search, save for re-hiring Turner Gill. And honestly? I'd rather have Gill than Weis. How ridiculous is that, that a KU fan can honestly type "I'd rather have Turner Gill than Chuck Weis as my head coach", and mean it?
There will be KU fans who will preach patience, who will say "give it a chance". To which I reply, unedited: bullshit. There's no need to "give this a chance", because we all know how this will end. Probably three years from now, with another multi-million dollar buyout, after winning what, 2 or 3 conference games in those three years? I'll give Chuckie this -- he probably won't lose to North Dakota State. But he sure as all hell won't beat Georgia Tech, like Turner Gill did in his second game. Or Virginia Tech, like Mark Mangino did in the biggest bowl game KU has ever played.
Or Texas Tech, as Terry Allen did two of the three times he faced them.
If this is the best Sheahon Zenger can do ... its time to buy him out as well. Because if this is his best, it's not good enough. It's not even close. I've felt a lot of things as a KU football fan over the years. Anger. Rage. One brief bit of ecstasy in 2007. One really happy moment rushing the field after the "Sur"render of a lifetime that fall.
Today? I feel nothing but embarrassment. In three short years, KU has gone from the Orange Bowl, to hitting its knees in a pathetic attempt to recruit the man who destroyed Irish football to take the job. Embarrassment. I'm guessing the colors of that word are crimson and blue ...
Monday, November 28, 2011
chiefs! steelers! so awful i missed every second of it ...
Well, I’ve been joking about it for years … but the joke’s on me (and you), because yesterday proved beyond the shadow of any and all doubt that I am, indeed, allergic to cold weather. That merely being in sub-60 temperatures makes me sick. So sick … that the unthinkable happens, and I sell off my ticket to the biggest game of the season (it’s do or die), and head back to crash on a couch, and sleep through the contest. Damn you, Old Man Winter!!!
There won’t be a recap for the Chiefs / Steelers “Sunday Night Football” showdown … because I don’t have one to offer you.
I left my brother’s house about 10am Saturday morning, after crashing there because we celebrated his birthday the night before, as only we can: at the classy, and man do I use that term loosely, classy Red Balloon. Let’s just say, I was in no shape to drive.*
(*: there also is a hilarious morning-after story involving my brother and his buddy Chris, a “case of mistaken identity” on one of their parts, but that’s for another time. Glad to see the old Chris back and in effect!)
By 5pm Saturday, I was in no shape to do anything. I laid down for a quick power nap before I had planned to head to Tyler’s birthday bash at McFadden’s Saturday night. I laid down at about 5:30pm. I didn’t move until 10:15 the next morning, and I felt worse than I had before a 17 hour “power nap”. I know the only reason I actually woke up was because I left the lights on before said “power nap”, and I need darkness to sleep. If it weren’t for that, I might still be snoring. Still, I’m a trooper, I can do this, I kept telling myself.
After forcing myself to clean up, I hopped in the shower and cranked that bastard up as hot as I could stand it … and it worked. For a little while. I deluded myself into thinking “ok, that did the trick”.* By the time I got to Russ and Mona’s to start loading up 30 minutes later, I could barely keep my eyes open. I literally slept the entire time we were at the gates, except to get up and puke. I emerged from Katie’s Jeep for only three reasons: to welcome “The Voice of Reason”, to welcome his dad, and you guessed it, to puke.** By 5:30 I was gonzo, snoring on the front seat. I gave my ticket to Anthony to try to get something for it (good job getting nearly face champ!), and Katie took me back to Russ and Mona’s, where my plan was to grab my keys, grab my overnight stuff (I’d planned on crashing there, figuring I’d be too hammered at 1am to try to drive home), and drive home to pass out.
(*: funniest moment: I sit down in Russ’ chair to try to watch the Jets game, and close my eyes. I wasn’t dozing, but I looked passed out apparently, because three different people at some point walked by and said “wow, Stevo started pregaming early today!” I hate to say this … but most of the time, in that situation, they’d have had a valid point. Maybe I need to quit drinking. (stevo thinking it over) Nah, my liver’s still got six, maybe seven more quality years in it. Besides, who else’s alcohol addiction would you have to make fun of if not for me? And for the record, and it is currently 7:22pm CT on Monday as I type this sentence, I have not had a drop of alcohol since about 1am Saturday morning. Maybe that’s why I’m so sick …)
(**: there was one tailgater there yesterday who kept hopping in the back seat of the Jeep as I was attempting to sleep it off and still make kickoff. Her reason for hopping in? To talk non-stop and smoke a joint or four. Look it, I love weed, but for f*ck’s sake, when I can’t even hold down a bottle of water (the only thing I attempted to have yesterday, and I failed within 30 seconds), I sure as all hell cannot tolerate you blowing smoke in my face. As she noted at my not coming unhinged at her: “you’re real laid back. You seem like a really cool dude.” Well, ok, she nailed both of those things, but come on chica, we’re a smoker friendly tailgate! Go outside and do your business. Especially when I’m shaking from the flu, despite having on 5 sweatshirts, 3 pairs of pants, a seat warmer, and the heat cranked to full blast.)
Did I mention I couldn’t stop puking? I did? Well, fine then. But I really couldn’t stop puking. It was so bad, I couldn’t even keep the Alka Seltzer cold and flu pills down, just a sniff of them and I was up-chucking. Figuring I had no intentions of roo-eening the inside of my car with the lovely smell of whatever the hell was wrong with me, I instead walked down the steps to the basement, grabbed every comforter out of the overnight closet, grabbed two pillows, and created a virtual bearcave down there. I had chills, I was so cold at tailgating from whatever the hell I’m suffering from (and it really wasn’t that bad out there yesterday, all things considered. Normally, I’d have joined in the raucous beer pong games going on at least once, instead of cranking up the heated seat and the heater as high as I could stand it half the time, and to a toasty comfortably level the other half). In their basement? Which I love to sleep in because it’s 60 freaking degrees down there at night? Under those comforters it felt like a sauna. I slept from about 6:30pm until 7am this morning, when amazingly my phone alarm went off. (I can’t believe I remembered to set it).
I trooped it out at work today, but was finally ordered to go home by my boss under the “I can’t afford to lose everyone for month end” theory that I was praying he’d invoke (saving me a PTO day).
So I apologize for no recap. I can’t recap what I haven’t seen, and have no motivation to screen. If someone who actually made it inside and stuck around wants to recap it, I’ll be happy to post your thoughts instead of mine.
But allow me to say this: if that’s how this season craps out? I’m ok with it. Nobody was higher (or perhaps just more high) than me on this team in August. Nobody was more euphoric walking out on Halloween night than me. And if that’s the high point of this season? I’m ok with it.
Because what I kept noting last year, applies even more so this year. This team, right now, in its current roster status? Is the WORST we are going to be for the next four, five, six years.
Our quarterback situation will only get better. Ditto our depth at running back, offensive line, the receiving corps, pick a spot on defense. (I think we’re set for a few years at specialists.)
Yeah, this season has crashed off the tracks, and it kills me, I mean, it hurts me more than my entire body is aching right now from the flu, it is killing me that the two teams I hate more than any other in sports*, one of them is winning the division, and the other one is probably screwing the Jets out of a wildcard via tiebreaker (they both beat the Jets). It sucks.
(*: this is a half-truth – I still hate the jordan era bulls pretty badly.)
But not half as much as this flu bug sucks. (stevo calling his local cvs to finally get over his irrational fear of needles and get a flu shot …)
There won’t be a recap for the Chiefs / Steelers “Sunday Night Football” showdown … because I don’t have one to offer you.
I left my brother’s house about 10am Saturday morning, after crashing there because we celebrated his birthday the night before, as only we can: at the classy, and man do I use that term loosely, classy Red Balloon. Let’s just say, I was in no shape to drive.*
(*: there also is a hilarious morning-after story involving my brother and his buddy Chris, a “case of mistaken identity” on one of their parts, but that’s for another time. Glad to see the old Chris back and in effect!)
By 5pm Saturday, I was in no shape to do anything. I laid down for a quick power nap before I had planned to head to Tyler’s birthday bash at McFadden’s Saturday night. I laid down at about 5:30pm. I didn’t move until 10:15 the next morning, and I felt worse than I had before a 17 hour “power nap”. I know the only reason I actually woke up was because I left the lights on before said “power nap”, and I need darkness to sleep. If it weren’t for that, I might still be snoring. Still, I’m a trooper, I can do this, I kept telling myself.
After forcing myself to clean up, I hopped in the shower and cranked that bastard up as hot as I could stand it … and it worked. For a little while. I deluded myself into thinking “ok, that did the trick”.* By the time I got to Russ and Mona’s to start loading up 30 minutes later, I could barely keep my eyes open. I literally slept the entire time we were at the gates, except to get up and puke. I emerged from Katie’s Jeep for only three reasons: to welcome “The Voice of Reason”, to welcome his dad, and you guessed it, to puke.** By 5:30 I was gonzo, snoring on the front seat. I gave my ticket to Anthony to try to get something for it (good job getting nearly face champ!), and Katie took me back to Russ and Mona’s, where my plan was to grab my keys, grab my overnight stuff (I’d planned on crashing there, figuring I’d be too hammered at 1am to try to drive home), and drive home to pass out.
(*: funniest moment: I sit down in Russ’ chair to try to watch the Jets game, and close my eyes. I wasn’t dozing, but I looked passed out apparently, because three different people at some point walked by and said “wow, Stevo started pregaming early today!” I hate to say this … but most of the time, in that situation, they’d have had a valid point. Maybe I need to quit drinking. (stevo thinking it over) Nah, my liver’s still got six, maybe seven more quality years in it. Besides, who else’s alcohol addiction would you have to make fun of if not for me? And for the record, and it is currently 7:22pm CT on Monday as I type this sentence, I have not had a drop of alcohol since about 1am Saturday morning. Maybe that’s why I’m so sick …)
(**: there was one tailgater there yesterday who kept hopping in the back seat of the Jeep as I was attempting to sleep it off and still make kickoff. Her reason for hopping in? To talk non-stop and smoke a joint or four. Look it, I love weed, but for f*ck’s sake, when I can’t even hold down a bottle of water (the only thing I attempted to have yesterday, and I failed within 30 seconds), I sure as all hell cannot tolerate you blowing smoke in my face. As she noted at my not coming unhinged at her: “you’re real laid back. You seem like a really cool dude.” Well, ok, she nailed both of those things, but come on chica, we’re a smoker friendly tailgate! Go outside and do your business. Especially when I’m shaking from the flu, despite having on 5 sweatshirts, 3 pairs of pants, a seat warmer, and the heat cranked to full blast.)
Did I mention I couldn’t stop puking? I did? Well, fine then. But I really couldn’t stop puking. It was so bad, I couldn’t even keep the Alka Seltzer cold and flu pills down, just a sniff of them and I was up-chucking. Figuring I had no intentions of roo-eening the inside of my car with the lovely smell of whatever the hell was wrong with me, I instead walked down the steps to the basement, grabbed every comforter out of the overnight closet, grabbed two pillows, and created a virtual bearcave down there. I had chills, I was so cold at tailgating from whatever the hell I’m suffering from (and it really wasn’t that bad out there yesterday, all things considered. Normally, I’d have joined in the raucous beer pong games going on at least once, instead of cranking up the heated seat and the heater as high as I could stand it half the time, and to a toasty comfortably level the other half). In their basement? Which I love to sleep in because it’s 60 freaking degrees down there at night? Under those comforters it felt like a sauna. I slept from about 6:30pm until 7am this morning, when amazingly my phone alarm went off. (I can’t believe I remembered to set it).
I trooped it out at work today, but was finally ordered to go home by my boss under the “I can’t afford to lose everyone for month end” theory that I was praying he’d invoke (saving me a PTO day).
So I apologize for no recap. I can’t recap what I haven’t seen, and have no motivation to screen. If someone who actually made it inside and stuck around wants to recap it, I’ll be happy to post your thoughts instead of mine.
But allow me to say this: if that’s how this season craps out? I’m ok with it. Nobody was higher (or perhaps just more high) than me on this team in August. Nobody was more euphoric walking out on Halloween night than me. And if that’s the high point of this season? I’m ok with it.
Because what I kept noting last year, applies even more so this year. This team, right now, in its current roster status? Is the WORST we are going to be for the next four, five, six years.
Our quarterback situation will only get better. Ditto our depth at running back, offensive line, the receiving corps, pick a spot on defense. (I think we’re set for a few years at specialists.)
Yeah, this season has crashed off the tracks, and it kills me, I mean, it hurts me more than my entire body is aching right now from the flu, it is killing me that the two teams I hate more than any other in sports*, one of them is winning the division, and the other one is probably screwing the Jets out of a wildcard via tiebreaker (they both beat the Jets). It sucks.
(*: this is a half-truth – I still hate the jordan era bulls pretty badly.)
But not half as much as this flu bug sucks. (stevo calling his local cvs to finally get over his irrational fear of needles and get a flu shot …)
Monday, November 21, 2011
the chiefs pats pick
“You knock my socks off” – Harriet to Matt, in my favorite “Studio 60” scene. I fear, like Studio 60, that the 2011 Chiefs are destined to an earlier-than-should-have-been demise. I remain optimistic that, like Studio 60 after this “honestly in the rotation for greatest hour of television ever” episode, this season is going to have a few “knock your socks off” moments left in it …
There is not one legitimate reason to predict the Chiefs to win this football game. And just in case anyone reading this concludes “sweet Jesus, Stevo has officially lost all touch with common sense and reality!!!”, I am not predicting the Chiefs to win this game tonight.
My official pick: at Patriots 30, Chiefs (+14 ½) 27, on an overtime Gronkowski field goal.
But we CAN win this game. To be honest? In my gut, I think we ARE winning this game. But I want to taste the lasagna Wednesday, the turkey Thursday, and gamble on Friday at the Argosy, so I’m going to say “yeah, Pats win”, so that some well-intentioned soul doesn’t call Charter or Two Rivers or some other psychiatric ward to commit me at least two weeks too soon.
History, of which I have a minor in (yay $32,000 a year at the time!), especially sports history, is full of moments when a team with no business winning, a team that is multiple touchdown underdogs, somehow pulls off the “impossible”, and not only covers, but wins the game outright. (Cue Ol’ Pete King “no, favorites always win!!!!” look of shock and denial.) Hell, the whole reason I am able to compose and post this column today? Is because the second or third biggest underdogs in history (sorry, “untamed Lions vs Christians” is still number one), looked at the odds facing them in 1776, and said “screw it”, and signed their names as largely and loudly as they could onto a piece of paper. (Cue Ol’ Pete King “no, favorites always win!!!!” look of shock and denial.)
And when it comes to the Chiefs and Patriots, well, these contests are ALWAYS closer than they should be on paper.
(Side note: my favorite comment of the week, at ArrowheadPride.com, was when Joel Thorman posted the “how can the Chiefs win this game?” post, and one fan noted “well, we could send our SS (strong safety) to take out the Pats’ QB’s knee!”, an option I have no problems endorsing for a second time (Bernard Pollard ended Tom Brady’s season in week 1 of 2008 by doing that). But the comment that had me laughing, was the follow-up one liner: “no, we need the Pats’ QB to take out our SS’s knee!” Sabby Piscatelli everybody! Christ, he’s eight levels of awful. I mean, if there’s only eight layers of hell (according to Dante), doesn’t Sabby all but ensure there has to be a ninth, if not a thirteenth? Because seeing 42 on the field literally makes me want to hurl. I never thought anyone could challenge Bill Bartee for “Stevo’s Most Hated Chiefs Player Ever” … but Sabby’s damned close.)
In 2008, an awful Chiefs squad went to Foxboro to open the season as a 16 point underdog … and lost on the last play of the game, 17-10.
In 2005, two really good squads faced off at Arrowhead the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and it was possibly (ok, not even remotely*) the last great victory of the Vermeil years. “Cut” Greg Wesley picked off Tom Brady three times. The Chiefs won 26-16. This was the game when Jared Allen joined us for some post-game tailgating in the pimp white cowboy outfit, and the blue convertible with the longhorns on the hood. Stalker Lady showed up. Eventually parking lot maintenance forcibly evicted us, we tailgated so long afterwards. Oh, and this occurred:
(stevo) (goes into port-a-potty)
(stevo) (hurls on smelling inside of port-a-potty)
(stevo) (finally manages to pee)
(stevo) (walks out)
(chick waiting for port-a-potty) how drunk are you, d*ckhead! To ruin the pot for the rest of us!
(stevo) (actually sober and now p*ssed off) Yeah? You step inside and tell me I caused that!
(chick) (opens door)
(chick) sorry. That’s awful!
(stevo) good luck holding it down, b*tch!
(dude with chick) Did you just call my girl a b*tch?
(stevo) uuh, no .. I said chick. Chick!
(dude with chick) oh, ok …
(*: THE high point of the Vermeil years, was seven days later. “The Stand”. Excuse me, “The Stand”!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCREW YOU denver! SCREW YOU!!!! Oh, and mike? How’s that post-elway career going? Another loss? Shocking! My God, I hate the denver broncos …)
In 2004, an awful Chiefs squad hosted the Pats on a late November Monday night … and lost inside the last two minutes, 27-19.
In 2002, a mediocre Chiefs squad went to New England as a 15 point underdog … and lost in overtime, 41-38.
In 2000, two awful squads faced off at Foxboro on an early December Monday night … and the Pats won when the Chiefs final pass was intercepted in the end zone, 30-24 final.
Almost a year earlier, on a perfect early October Sunday afternoon at Arrowhead (I think I still am sunburned from how perfect that day was), the Chiefs led the Patriots 16-14 with :02 left. I’m sure you’re thinking “ballgame”. Yes, it should have been … for the Patriots. As Adam Vinatieri lined up for a 22 yard field goal into the east end zone, with that :02 left. I was sitting in 109 that day with my buddy Jasson*, and to say I was bracing for the defeat, is an understatement. I started chugging every last drop remaining in the flask, grabbed my t-shirt and DT jersey**, and was ready to storm out in anger.
(*: “The Ex” honestly thought that’s how you spelled Jason’s name, “Jasson”, until a couple weeks ago. Three years of thinking Randy and Linda were too stupid to figure out how to spell Jason on the birth certificate. In her defense …)
(**: I used to wear a jersey to every home game, up until four years ago, when I realized, “wait a second” … in 99 I wore DT’s jersey. He died. Wore it for a couple years after that, then wore Shaun Barber’s jersey when we signed him in 03. He sucked. Then switched to DJ in 05 … and we pissed away a gimme wildcard berth. Never again. Never again.)
Anyways, my perfect early October afternoon, pushing 80 degrees (the official game recap at nfl.com notes it was 79 degrees, 8 mph wind, with 78 % humidity, sweet Jesus, can we get that for Sunday night? Please?), anyways, the Pats lined up for a glorified extra point to win the game.
And Vinatieri shanked it.
Chiefs win!
Even the blowouts are memorable – in 1998, when we lost 42-14 in Foxboro, it was the infamous “Whitlock suspended two weeks without pay” game, as (at the time) KC Star columnist Jason Whitlock simply stated the obvious on a sign he held up in the press box that (sadly) the CBS cameras caught: “Bledsoe gay? Pats Suck!” I love biased commentators.
My long-winded point is this, and it’s three pointed:
1. The Patriots aren’t as good as you think they are.
2. Tyler Palko isn’t as sh*tty as you fear he is. And
3. If ANYONE in this league can rally this team, in this spot, to deliver the performance of a lifetime, it’s a man I once “affectionately” dubbed “Coach Asshat”.
As wrong as I (might have been, the jury’s still out) about Coach Herm? I was even more (no doubt about it) wrong about “Coach Asshat”. God bless it, I freaking love Todd Haley. Screw it, I LOVE Todd Haley. I have a man crush the size of Australia on that guy. I have rarely if ever been more wrong in my initial read on a person. If ANYONE is going to have a two touchdown underdog prepped for war tonight, it’s Todd Haley.
Coach will have his boys ready to fight. So tonight, if you’re watching from a couch in WyCo, a bar in Waldo, pacing the floor in Raytown (hey, that’s me!), or rubbing in the upset of a lifetime in beautiful Gering, Nebraska, make some noise. Believe in this team. Do they deserve that belief, that trust? Probably not.
But what the hell.
Next week is the fail-safe, Chiefs fans. Win or lose tonight, next Sunday is the line in the sand. And I hope and trust each and every one of you will be out there to play some beer pong come 5pm next Sunday night. (Or, if I get my way, “vodka tonic pong”).
Until then, enjoy this week. My “favorite post of the year” is coming at some point later this week, and man, does this thing keep getting longer every year. Which is a very good thing. Eat some turkey, or (in my family’s case) eat some lasagna, plow through the Franzia and cheesecake, and …
You know what? Screw it.
Chiefs (+14 ½) 30, at Patriots 27, on a 29 yard Ryan “Mr. Irrelevant” Succup field goal as time expires. I still believe in this team. When this game ends, I hope they give you a reason to push the chips to the middle of the table, push the chair back, stand up, pull the sunglasses down, and say “gentlemen, I’m all in”. Or at least an excuse to show up next Sunday night, as for the first time since my 21st birthday, the NBC crew is in town to broadcast a game. (And no matter WHAT happens, it cannot POSSIBLY be worse than what happened that cold January day in 1998.)
Because playoff-caliber teams that switch to a no-name quarterback who’s never started a game before are screwed, right? No chance, right?
(looks across the sideline to see tonight’s opponent …)
Oh, wait a second. The 2001 Patriots did that. How’d that switch work out for them?
(cue Adam Vinatieri drilling a 47 yarder as time expires as the Superdome in arguably the greatest Super Bowl ever staged ...)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)