the best eight months of my life: 1998

“When I wake to find the solace of

All that we’ve become?

I can’t wait to make the promises

That I’ve been leery of,

Take me down, let me see,

I’ll be there waiting … for you!

In the morning when times have changed!

I’ll be there through the lies and all,

I’ll be standing like a soldier for you!

So you hold your secrets,

Through the days when I need to be alone,

I will wait for you,

Through the rise and fall!”

-- “I Will Wait” by Hootie and the Blowfish, the first single off the best cd they ever released, “Musical Chairs”, released in September 1998.  “I Will Wait” peaked at number three on the adult contemporary charts that fall. 

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In the interest of full disclosure … I still love Hootie to this day.  And this is my favorite song by them.  (It’s this, or “Old Man and Me”, off the criminitely underrated “Fairweather Johnson” cd.)  Having said that, let’s do this, a long talked-about, often thought-about, definitely-gonna-be-fun look back at the best seven to eight months of my life*, the summer and (most definitely!) the fall of 1998 …

(*: all of 1998 was quite enjoyable, to be honest, save for two days: my 21^st birthday, and November 16^th.  The latter will be discussed below, in over/under 15 pages.  (Take the over.)  The former?  broncos 14, Chiefs 10, AFC Divisional Playoffs, a defeat I still have not gotten over fifteen years later … and probably won’t ever get over.  I noted all week leading up to that game that “whoever wins this game, is winning the Lombardi”.  God bless it, I hate being right so often.  Even more than the fact than I hate that the better team won that frigid cold Sunday late afternoon …)

* I headed home for the summer sometime in early May.  I had an internship lined up at the Post Office of all places, working in the Philatelic Center in the Hunt Midwest Underground complex across from (now) Ameristar / (then) Station Casino.  But the job didn’t start until after Memorial Day, so I had a few weeks to simply enjoy life and not do a damned thing, other than lay out on my folks back deck and get one helluva rockstar tan to open the summer.  (I also might have been enjoying a couple blenders of margaritas every day too.  Damn, I miss college …)

* I started said “internship” the day after Memorial Day.  I can honestly say, the almost four months I spent at the Philatelic Center?  It was the funnest job of my life.  If at least once in your life you can have a job that doesn’t feel like work?  Then you’ve found something worth keeping.

For starters, virtually everyone who worked there, was a “refugee” from the old downtown Post Office on Pershing … and oh yes, everyone knew my dad.  Either they knew of him, or they’d worked with him.  For most (at the time) hot as holy hell 21 year old guys, that might be intimidating, to work with a bunch of your dad’s ex-co-workers.  For me?  Hell, I knew my dad.  He’d “warned” me about a couple of them, noting “now be careful of (insert name here) – she likes to close the bar down.  And (insert name here), he’s going to tell you I did (insert thing here) once.  (pause).  He’s lying”. 

And my favorite: “I think Chris is up there now.  She’s a lot of fun to work with.  (pause).  I had to bring her a bottle of Visine once to hide the obvious from everyone.”  (stevo playing dumb voice) Gee, pop, what could she possibly have needed Visine to conceal (rimshot!) 

* The way the Philatelic Center was (is?) set up, was that you had your own “room”, were given a “production order” for the day, and fulfilled said order.  (In case you don’t know what a “philatelic center” is, it’s where most stamp collectors get their first-issue stamps from.  They order, we fulfill.)  My boss was actually someone named Machelle, who ranks amongst the best bosses I’ve ever had. 

For example, anyone who knows me, knows that I am NOT a punctual person.  Hell, it was a running joke for a long time, that if you wanted me somewhere at 7:00, you said 6:30, you had to build the half hour delay into my arrival.  (I think I’m better now.  Somewhat.)  The Post Office?  If you’re late, you’re screwed … unless you had my boss.  I was driving 30 plus minutes (from 79^th and Lackman to Ameristar) every morning, and had to be there at 6am.  Uum, I’m not only not a punctual person, and I am most definitely not a morning person.  Especially when my favorite NHL team is making a Stanley Cup run, and every game ends after Letterman has signed off for the night.  Machelle?  She’d swipe my card for me at 6am … swipe me out at 4:30pm (yup, mandatory overtime!  All summer!  Wohoo!) … and then just know that once I stumbled in about 6:15, I’d stay until 4:45.

As for Chris?  Oh yeah, she was there.  To protect the guilty, I will simply say, every night when Dad would get home, he’d ask me how Chris was.  I’d just smile and say “good”.  (She was his co-supervisor on the docks for years before transferring out because of a bad knee.)  Every guy, even married ones, I am convinced, has one girl that is always his “friend” – not in a “getting it on” kind of way, just your female best friend.  (For me, it’s Katie.)  For Dad?  It’s Chris.  I loved that chica too.  Even if the vicinity around her vehicle smelled shockingly similar to how DJ and I’s main room smelled every day on Stubbs …

* There were really only three other eventful things that summer, so let’s take them in (somewhat) inverse order:

3. President Clinton admits he “had sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky”, on the night of August 17^th.  Until the day I die, I will argue Clinton was right to come out swinging that night … but he should have resigned during the State of the Union in 1999.  If he’d resigned, with Gore now running as an incumbent (in the LBJ role, essentially)?  We’d have been spared the Bush administration … which, to be fair, looks competent, well-run, and genius compared to the Obama administration.

2. I bribed every friend I knew, every weekend I could, to make trips to St. Louis or Chicago for the Home Run Derby of 1998.  I could not give two shits that McGwire and Sosa were doping, were shooting every steroid known to mankind.  Every person who loves baseball was creaming their pants every night that summer watching the two of them assault the record book.

God that was a fun summer.  And of course …

1. “The Summer of the Metro”.  And no, I’m not talking about KCMO’s mass transit system.  Poor Gregg.  Poor Jasson.  In mid-June that summer, some drunk driver plowed into their cars, plus their neighbor Melissa, in the middle of the night.  In the words of Ross Schwisow: “wrecked ‘em?  Damned near killed ‘em!” (rimshot!)*

(*: the only routinely funny joke lamer than my “poker?  I didn’t even kiss her! (rimshot!)” one-liner that I plagiarized from the great Anthony J. Bruno.) 

So when you’re only 20, as G was at that point, insurance provides you NOTHING but the best as a rental.  Yup, the poor guy drove around in a Geo Metro for like six weeks while his Accord was being fixed.  I had the misfortune to ride in it once.  Never again.  Actual conversation from that night of horror as best I remember it:

(stevo) it’s 99 f*cking degrees out, turn on the air already!

(gregg) can’t.

(stevo) why?  It doesn’t work?

(gregg) oh, it works.

(stevo) then why not turn the damned thing on?  I’m sweating even more than I usually do!

(gregg) because the car runs at half power.

(stevo) (confused look on his face) what?

(gregg) if I run the air, this thing won’t top 40 (mph).

(stevo) you’re kidding me.

(gregg) (with a “if you respond to this, I will f*cking KILL YOU” look of rage) no.

(stevo) (stays silent the rest of the ride …)

* One I nearly forgot about: Game 5, Western Conference Finals.  Stars 3, Red Wings 2 (OT).  The best hockey game I’ve ever watched in my life.  And earned a “shut up down there!” from my mom to me after Guy Carbonneau tied the game with seconds to play.  I mention that, because my mom can abide any swear phrase you can think of, up to and including the “god f*cking dammit!” blast I use way too often … but if you tell her to “shut up”?  She’ll get enraged.  Conservatives!  God love them … because only He can understand them.

(Yes, this is the game that the Stars won the face-off to open overtime, Jamie Langenbrunner threw a “what the hell, why not” 120 foot shot in off resulting face off … and it went right through Chris Osgood’s legs to win the game.  Hence the second “shut up already!” blast of the night that came not even five minutes after the first one …)

* Well, like all great things, summer eventually draws to a close … and it’s back to school, to our apartment.  Me, Vineet, and Frank had chosen this place for three reasons:

a. our “fourth amigo” at the time, Wes, (me and Vineet’s fellow roommate our freshman year) lived in said complex.

b. since we spent every weekend either in Arlington or Deep Ellum (not sure what to compare it to … Westport with more strip clubs?  Waldo with more tattoo parlors?  Brookside with more black people?  If you don’t know Dallas, Deep Ellum is a big club district to the southeast of downtown, by the Cotton Bowl.  It’s a seedy bar-filled part of town, that’s a helluva lot of fun come your random Friday night.  So it’s the Eclipse? (rimshot!)), it made sense to live closer to where we wasted our time at.  And

c. price.  We had a lovely three bedroom / two bath apartment, on the ground floor, on a (somewhat) private inaccessible street to outsiders, with washer and dryer, in the way of a really errant drive off the 14^th tee … for $550 / month.  Oh, and the four funniest things about the apartment:

1. We never had a kitchen table, a dining room table, a table of any kind, save for a coffee table.  (Unless you count the barstools by the counter that we used as a table, and I do.) 

Why, you ask?  Because oh yes, Frank had his home gym set up where most people would have a dining room.  A full-on workout room as soon as you walked out of the kitchen.

2. Cocoa Vineet!  On top of the entertainment center?  Well, let’s just say, a couple of us noted one night that “wow, that monkey on the back of the cereal box looks like Vineet!”  So, yes, we put an empty box of Cocoa Puffs on top of the entertainment center that had the crazy monkey on the back, and we wrote the words “Cocoa Vineet!” on the blank white t-shirt said monkey was modeling.  But I promise you readers – smoking a tobacco-like product does NOT kill brain cells!

3. The Planters Cheez Balls canister.  Anytime someone says “that’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen”, I think “nope, not even close”.  I love the Planters Cheez Balls.  So much so that I plowed through an entire canister the first night we moved in.  (Note: weed may have been involved.) 

The roommates?  Took the empty canister (and if you’ve ever had one, you know these things are massive), and turned it into their own personal ash tray.

It was filled in less than month.  We’d dump it … and dump it again every couple weeks.  I miss that canister.

4. The commute.  Sweet.  Freaking.  Jesus.  I’ll put it this way: we lived about 15 miles from campus.  (An 11 mile freeway drive, exit 24 (Eastchase) to exit 13 (Forest Park), then build in the side streets both ways.)  If I was not on the Landry by 6:45?  I wasn’t making my 8am class.  To put this in perspective, I currently have a 12.9 mile commute (according to my odometer) from home to work in the morning, mostly on the freeway.  On my WORST day?  It takes 25 minutes.  That’s how crap-tacular Metroplex traffic is.

(And because the East Side of campus was undergoing massive renovations at that time?  Parking shortages were insane.  If you didn’t make your 8am?  Don’t even bother trying to make your 9:30 or 11, you’d be parking down along the riverfront across from Colonial Country Club, and hiking 2 miles uphill to campus.

Thankfully, my last semester?  My 8am professor drove in from Arlington*.  So if I tuned into Channel 8 and they were noting “45 minutes from Loop 820 to downtown”?  I knew Dr. Bamford wasn’t showing up either, so sweet, pool day!

(*: after a disasterous first semester freshman year, with 8ams all five days of the week, I swore “never again”.  From that point on, I had all Tuesday / Thursday classes, with one night class, usually on Wednesdays since I worked from noon to 6.  It’s a genius schedule – go all day Tues / Thurs, at 8 / 9:30 / 11, and either 12:30 or 2, go one night a week, and what do you get?  Four Day Weekends!  Fellow readers, peoples and peepettes, I will never be accused of being a genius … but that schedule is GENIUS!  Yes, you’re damned right I stole it from Wes …)

* Anyone remember how hot the summer of 1998 was?  Because I sure as hell do.  D/FW topped 100 degrees on 92 separate occasions, the last 58 of which were consecutive.  Yes, there were days my alarm would go off at 6:30, I’d fire up the TV, see “103 and sunny” as the forecast, roll back over in bed, pray there was a girl next to me … emphasis on “pray” because, well, like nowadays, there rarely was / is … and if not, sleep in another couple hours until Frank started blending the first batch of margaritas for a pool day woke me up for good.  It’s a freaking miracle I graduated a semester early, let alone graduated at all.

* Perhaps the funniest … or at least (amongst the) most (dusty voice) criminite in nature, moment of my life, occurred on moving in day at “The 305”.  Frank and I are exhausted – it was 106 degrees outside, we’ve just lugged furniture in for the last couple hours, but we notice the neighbors across the entryway are moving out, and so being nice, we offer to help.

About three hours later, maybe 9, 9:30ish, we’re sitting on the couch watching God knows what, when there’s a loud knock on our door.  I get up, open the door, and there are these two attractive females on our front doorstep.  I’m sure the only thing going through my head at that point was … well, let me channel my inner DJ here: “score!!!” 

So the conversation as I best remember it: we invite them in, offer them a beer, which they graciously accept, and then …

(chick) by chance, did either of you two see anyone moving stuff out of our apartment today?

(frank) which one is your apartment?

(chick) the one across from you.

(frank) yeah, there were two guys moving everything out. 

(chick) really?

(stevo) yeah, we helped them haul out a couple of the heaviest items.

(chick) (now enraged) you did WHAT?!?!

Turns out … it was one of these girls ex-boyfriend stealing everything of value from their place.

Suffice it to say, we not only did not “score!!!” with our neighbors, they pretty much never spoke to us again.

Although it did lead to one funny exchange with Frank come mid-October, once it cooled off:

(frank) so, why do you always leave your window open?

(stevo) because it’s nice outside?

(frank) well, aren’t you worried about those guys (from earlier) stealing our sh*t?

(stevo) (stunned) are you serious?

(frank) well yeah!  They already robbed our neighbor –

(stevo) ok, first of all, we didn’t date those dudes.  And secondly, we ain’t got sh*t to steal!!!

(frank) oh.  Good point.

* Christ, I’m still in September, and I’m on page 8 in Word!  Time to get rolling here.

* Me and Frank, the Tony Gonzalez look-alike that … wait a second, that occurred in 1998!  Sidebar time!!!*  We’ll get back to where this was headed in a minute or two.

(*: so Gregg and Jasson come down to visit that spring, like they did a couple times a year, a quick weekend get-away to catch a Mavs (this was the Dick Motta vs Bill Fitch game where we paid $10 / apiece for near courtside seats … and felt ripped off) or Stars game, or just for whatever.  (The year before, it was the midnight showing (aka “debut”) of “Private Parts”, still the craziest, most fun movie-going experience of my life.  It’s the only reason I got satellite radio, to have Howard Stern back in my life again.

Anyways, we’re sitting around just getting sh*t faced drunk on that Friday night, and Gregg starts calling Frank “Tony”.  Why, you ask?  Cue the “gregg drunk voice”: “because you look like Tony Gonzalez!”  Now, to be fair, Frank was a fitness freak, and sweet Jesus, was he fit.  Dude was built like a tank, and had no problems showing off what he had.  (In his defense?  I would have too.  Dude was ridiculously fit.)  That … and if I could find a picture of him, the dude actually does look like Tony Gonzalez in the face somewhat, in addition to having his body.  And yes, he’s Latino, as a name like Francisco would denote.  (cue every female regular reader of this site wondering out loud why they didn’t know me fifteen years ago, and sighing in disgust over that …)

Anyways, the night was also memorable because Gregg drunk-dialed our friend Tiffany pretty much all night long, and come 7:30am, she calls back … and in the interest of full disclosure, she’s pretty much the most religious, tee-totaling person you will ever meet.  Let’s just say, drunk voice-mailing doesn’t go over well with people like that.  To this day, anytime this night comes up, Gregg starts laughing, and I get enraged.  Probably because I have NEVER had a hangover like I did by the time Tiffany was through verbally b*tch slapping me from 600 miles away.

OK, back to the original story before I start asking a random reader to “pick me up a pack of Camels!” after they advise me to “try the low fat bacon”.  And Jesus, please don’t make me explain what that pop culture reference is from – it’s only one of the five funniest movies ever made …)

So, Frank and I are headed up in mid-September to watch my brother make his debut on the JBU soccer team.  Being the good older brother (and armed with daddy’s credit card), I volunteer to take us all out to dinner afterwards, and Drew brings his roommate, so there’s four of us.

We go to the “fanciest” restaurant in Siloam Springs, which actually, is a fairly decent steak joint called (if I remember right) Callahan’s.  We sit down, the waitress comes over, and remember, it’s pushing 7pm on a Saturday night …

(waitress) what can I get you fellas to drink?

(stevo) double vodka tonic please, with a couple limes in it.  (Note: even fifteen years ago, I knew a good drink when I smelled and sampled it …)

(waitress) I’m sorry sir, I can’t get that for you.

(stevo) (thinks it’s because she thinks I’m underage)

(stevo) no problem, here’s my ID.  (reaches for wallet).

(waitress) I’m sorry sir, this is a dry county.

(stevo) come again?

(waitress) a dry county, we don’t allow alcohol sales of any kind.

(stevo) (brain kicks in) oh, without a unicard!  I gotcha, a Collin County extortion thingy!  OK, how much?

(waitress) (genuinely baffled) what’s a unicard*?

(stevo) (to his brother) is she sh*tting us?

(drew) (shakes head in disgust) nope.  You gotta drive a mile that way to Oklahoma to get legit beer, let alone vodka.

(stevo) ok, thanks.  (to everyone at table) we’re leaving.

So … we all head for an Indian joint across the border, grab a case, head back to Drew’s room, and pound a few, before me and Frank head back to the Metroplex, but not after making one more stop at said Indian joint to stock Drew and his buddies up for the next couple weeks.

(*: a Unicard is what you had (have?) to purchase in Collin County, Texas, to buy liquor by the drink.  I still have mine somewhere in the cigar box of memories.  God I hate conservatism …)

(Oh, and as a funny sidebar, this Indian joint was (is?) a gas station / tobacco shop that also sells liquor … and doesn’t card anybody.  This led to a funny conversation once I got to witness between my dad and my brother, where he kept asking Drew why a Texaco in unincorporated Oklahoma kept charging his Visa for $13 nearly every day.  Drew said something like “they have the cheapest gas down there”.  Somehow Dad bought that excuse.  Actually scratch that – I guaran-damn-tee you Dad didn’t buy that excuse.  He no doubt knew.  Kind of like how …)

* the Rangers pennant push in 1998 became “emergency expenditures!”  Believe it or not, I was really conservative on using dad’s credit card for three years.  Then came the fall of 1998 – with everything the summer had meant to me (in a baseball sense), to be in a city where a team was fighting for a playoff berth every night?  Let’s just say, between me, Frank, Vineet, and Mike (our neighbor and good buddy who also went to TCU), I think we missed three home games combined from mid-August on.  I told you this semester was a great time!

* Let me hit on a few more highlights, and man, I’m going to struggle to limit this to a few, this semester was without question the funnest period of my life …

* One of the home games we didn’t miss?  Was game three of the Divisional Round of the playoffs!  Yankees (boo!)  Rangers (yay!)  Just a typical early October Friday in North Texas – 104 and not a cloud in the sky!!! 

Until about the fifth inning.  Me and Mike are standing in the beer line, the Rangers and Yanks are still tied at goose-eggs … and you can see the clouds rolling in from the west.  Our long national pleasure is about to end: the heat is about to end.  Big time.

After a three hour rain delay that saw the Yankees eventually close out the series (and saw four very drunk, wet dudes stroll into a Waffle House at 3am in need of some quality grits), fall had finally arrived.  And with it, came …

* One of the only two or three Chiefs games I am thankful that I failed to attend (at Arrowhead).  While you all in KC were dealing with the “Flood of 1998” for the Sunday nighter against Seattle?  (Dealing with our rain system that moved north after that Friday night rain-down at the Ballpark.)  I was laughing looking at the pictures of Brush Creek flooding, of the rain spilling through the seats of the lower bowl, perfectly comfortable on the couch while it was in the mid 80s outside.

(Arguably the funniest email I’ve ever gotten in my life, came the next day from Gregg.  I emailed him during the game (remember, this was “pre-texting” days …) “how’s the rain?”  Gregg’s response?  “I felt a drop every couple hours.”  (He sat in the club level back then.)  I literally laughed out loud reading it at work the next day.)

* I worked with a dude named Joel who was from San Diego, and he actually got to attend all four games of the World Series that fall (Yankees v Padres).  What I would not GIVE to attend just ONE Royals World Series game.  Just one …

* Our Thursday night pleasure?  Was late night bowling league at the Don Carter’s All Star Lanes Southwest* in (go figure) southwest Fort Worth!  I worked Thursday nights, closed down the reference department at 10:30ish.  Bowling started at 11.  We went until about 1am.

Our team was me, Frank, Mike, and Mike’s roommate Niko.  (And on the weekends he didn’t have to head home to work, Vineet showed up.  I swear I’m going somewhere with this …)

(*: to answer the obvious question at least two loyal readers will have, yes, this is THE bowling alley we went to the night before my graduation that required ID to enter … at 8pm on a Friday night.  And to think, Cityview is actually a classy area of Fort Worth!  No really!  They have the Ridglea Country Club, the city’s best mall (Hulen) and everything!)

So one Thursday in early November, we get out about 1am, and thank God for Texas, some places have 24/7 liquor sales, and Arlington is one of those places.  (Or at least was.)  So Frank and I head up to the Tom Thumb on Collins to do some grocery shopping for the weekend, and to grab some beer for the weekend as well.

We’ve pretty well filled up the cart (again, thanks dad!), and we round the corner into the cooler / refrigerated sections of the store (for those of you in KC who have never been in a Tom Thumb, they make Hen House look ghetto, they’re that impressive.  Or at least the one at Collins and Green Oaks was), and there “it” is.

THE single greatest alcohol purchase of a lifetime.

As the sign said, “Heineken 12 packs: $7.99”.

Even 15 years ago, that was a steal.

So I track down a stock boy, because I don’t see a limit on the sign to the amount you can buy.  Pretty much the exact conversation as I remember it:

(stevo) so what’s the limit?

(stock dude) oh, there isn’t one.

(stevo) uum, what?

(stock dude) yeah, we got a serious overshipment, just trying to move th –

(stevo, to frank) give me a f*cking quarter.

(frank) what for?

(stevo) we need Vineet’s car.  Ideally yours too. 

(frank) what?

(stevo) we’re buying them out.

(frank) with whose money?

(stevo) I’ve got dad’s credit card.  (pauses.)  If he understood September, he’ll definitely understand this.

(frank) good point.

So hell to the yes, we bought (if I remember right) 26 cases of Heineken beer that night, at 2:15am in a Tom Thumb in North Arlington.  And yes, it took two cars jammed full in the trunk and back seat to get the stash home.

And … it lasted exactly three weeks.  When I got back to our place after the Thanksgiving trip home late on Sunday night, I noticed that Francisco and his amigos had polished off the few cases that remained over the holiday weekend.  Speaking of mid-November in the city limits of Arlington …

* After realizing I couldn’t make it home for the Chiefs Monday nighter against denver … and being so full of confidence that the Chiefs would win, that I decided to be “that guy” who shows up at the enemy’s doorstep to celebrate his side’s victory … oh hell to the yes, Frank and I went to the official broncos watching party for the game affectionately known as “The Monday Night Meltdown”!  November 16, 1998, at the Hooters at Collins and Division in the heart of Arlington!

To the eternal credit of both the broncos fans in attendance, and of me and Frank (who hated denver as much as I did by this point in our roommate-ship … see, who says I don’t have hypnotic powers!) … it actually turned into as fun of an experience as possible.  The donkeys fans loved having me there to make fun of … and whatever you may think of me, NOBODY makes more fun of me, than me.  If it is at all possible to enjoy that abortion of a performance, I actually did.

(And I only stuck around for the fourth quarter, because I believed Marty would resign in the postgame presser.  He looked like a beaten man after that game.  He waited six more weeks to step aside … but as much as seeing that period of Chiefs football close hurt?  It needed to happen.  Oh, and this sentence starts page 15 in Word, so the “under” wins!!!  Just looking out for the gambling community who reads every word I write (if only to know how NOT to bet …))

* The weekend trip home for Thanksgiving is recapped here.  And yes, to this day, I still don’t regret my decision … even if I probably should.  (And thanks to that previous post?  I just saved another seven pages of typing!  Yay me!!!)

* The last three weeks of my college experience were crazy.  As noted in the linked post a paragraph ago, I arrived back at school with zero interviews lined up … and I had two offers less than a week later.  I had finals coming up. Not a pretty picture.  But I survived it.  And once I managed that ... of course, that meant one last week of tomfoolery and hijinks before graduating to the real world.

* One I knew Gregg was in for the graduation, I headed off to buy us tickets to the Cowboys / Eagles game the day after my big day.  I asked my brother (who was also coming) if he wanted a ticket, and he was like “nah, I’ve got a lot of friends from school there, I’ll be hanging out with them!”

So let me back up a moment, because yes, Drew did have friends there …

* Drew gets in on Thursday December 17^th.  He meets the roommates, we watch a classic first run episode of “Friends” (the “Fireball” episode where Ross makes Joey write ten pages of a script … and Joey invents the rules to “Fireball”, which is literally chucking a ball that is on fire at your opponent), and then it’s off to the Hard Rock Café and a night in Dallas.  (Remember – or don’t, whatever’s clever – Drew has managed to turn my Texas ID into a legit fake ID for himself by this point.) 

Friday, Gregg arrives, we have the bowling night.  Saturday, I graduate, on the day Bill Clinton is impeached by the House for doing what two (and counting) Republican Speakers who resigned that day had done – had an “inappropriate relationship” with someone other than their wife, and lied about it.  (To think that some people actually wonder why I view conservative Republicans through the eyeglass of hypocrisy.)

That night, we go to a huge celebration branch at Tony Roma’s rib joint in south Arlington, and afterwards, Drew heads off to join up with his friends, while Gregg and me and the roommates head back to our place to party it up.  (Yup, even back then, we had no lives.)

About 3am, the phone starts ringing.  It’s my (at the time) 19 year old brother, piss drunk, lost on the freeways of Dallas.  I’m pissed off – not only do I have to get up in a few hours for that Cowboys / Eagles game I got me and Gregg tickets to, not only do I have to get up a few hours before that to take my folks to the airport to fly home, I also have to try to figure out while pushing a .26* where the f*ck my brother is, and somehow get him back to my place safely.

(*: in case you doubt me, I was fully convinced I had lost my door key when we got back to the apartment.  I literally spent an hour trying to figure out where the door key … on my keychain, was.  Maybe .26 is a conservative estimate of my BAC at that point …)

Somehow, I figure it out, manage to get Drew home without incident, and he sleeps it off while my family heads home, and Gregg and I take in a boring-as-hell division clinching game for the Cowboys.  A game whose only touchdown … was on a fake field goal.  OK, maybe it wasn’t that boring … but even Gregg will agree with me on this: the old Texas Stadium was, if not the shittiest stadium in the NFL, it was certainly in the top three.

* That Sunday night was the last time I had Perotti’s.  (At least as of today.)  I’m telling you, that place is to kill for, their lasagna is that good, and the pizza doesn’t disappoint either.

* The next morning, the three of us (me, Gregg, Drew) head for home in three separate cars loaded up with my stuff … and we headed home in the ice storm of the century in north Texas.  By the time we get to Oklahoma City in about two hours longer than it should take, I’m seriously contemplating pulling the “f*ck it, we’re staying and just getting bombed while waiting this out” card.  (Drew nearly wrecked about 55 different times driving home.  Buddy, amigo, brother – you cannot drive 85 on ice and control the car.  As you’d eventually learn.)

We decide to keep going, and make it almost to Kansas, where we stop and have to make the decision, press on or stay.  I opt to press on.

Go figure – not a drop of precipitation, not an ounce of ice, the entire rest of the way.  

* The rest of the year was pretty uneventful.  Which is probably good.  Because (sweet Jesus, I’m on page 16 in Word now!) as the previous pages prove, 1998 was damned fun.

(I did manage to pass the drug test to get hired on at the job offered to me.  I'd be lying if I said I knew how I had passed said test.  I'm guessing the idiots who ran MLB's drug testing unit at that time in history screened my test?)

And yet, the final month ended perfectly -- back home in KC, ready to embark on a new adventure, with the best of both the world I knew growing up, and the world I gained moving away, strongly intact.

And sometimes?  Having a foot on both sides of the fence is a DAMNED good thing.

praying for greatness

Seven years ago tomorrow, I was on my way to the Indy 500 with my buddy Gregg and his dad.  We stopped off at a gas station to pick up some stuff to stuff in the cooler, and I grabbed an Indy Star (to make sure I had the commemorative lineup poster).

I'll never forget the lead column that morning (I believe Curt Cavin wrote it, but it might have been John Oreovitz), on how this Indy 500 was the most important of them all, because literally the entire future of the sport was riding on the outcome.

Being a biased IRL fan, I thought that was absolutely ridiculous speculation.  But the author was right -- what had become a (please, God, don't strike me with a lightning bolt for what I'm about to type ...) what had become a boring non-spectacle, roared back to life that afternoon.

I've been privileged to attend many a magical sporting moment.  Most of those moments were pretty damned loud.  So trust me when I tell you, that I have NEVER heard anything as loud as the roar of IMS on lap 189, when Danica Patrick overtook Dan Wheldon on the restart to grab the lead with 10 to go.  The noise was absolutely indescribable.

I wasn't rooting for Danica that day -- I was rooting for my favorite driver, Kenny Brack, making his final start of his career nearly 18 months after he should have died in a horrific wreck at Texas ... and at that point, was rooting for my other favorite, Sebastien Bourdais, who was running third (and finished third).  But even I was pumping the fist hard when Danica passed me where I was sitting in turn four, the leader with 50 miles to go.

Danica didn't have the fuel to maintain the "full rich" effort she was giving, and Dan Wheldon eventually retook the lead, and held on to win his first Indy 500.  He would win his second one last May.

Sunday ... neither Danica nor Dan will be in Indianapolis for the 96th running of my favorite event in sports.  (And sadly, I won't be there either.  Although I will be watching, poolside, with anyone who cares to join me.)

Dan Wheldon tragically passed away last fall in a crash in Las Vegas.  Danica Patrick will take the green flag tomorrow ... at Lowe's Motor Speedway, in the nightcap of the greatest racing trifecta known to man (the Grand Prix of Monaco kicks things off at the ass-crack of dawn).

My point of this post is this: just like seven years ago, I think the IndyCar series is incredible to watch, I wish to God they still ran at Kansas, and I'll tune in for any race they stage.  But I'm in the minority.  NASCAR has once again all but buried the IndyCar series.

Which is why, I'd argue, like that columnist did seven years ago, that this year's 500 matters.  It matters big time, to those of us who prefer open-wheel racing to stock car racing.  (And that would be me).

Sunday?  Is arguably the most important race IMS has ever hosted.  The three "stars" from last year, won't be there (Jim Nabors is recovering from emergency heart surgery in Hawaii, and please, dear Lord, let him recover.  I can sincerely say this, and even Dusty defended me on this last night -- if you have never been to the 500, you don't understand how awesome the prerace ceremonies are, culminating with Jim Nabors welcoming us "Back Home Again in Indiana" as the balloons launch.  I need to see that at least one more time).

And Sunday?  It would behoove the IndyCar series to find a way to send Marco Andretti to victory lane, to the ultimate celebration of the ultimate triumph in sports.  A triumph Marco was 100 feet from having in 2006 (still to this day, the single greatest sporting event I've ever attended).

A win tomorrow, buries the Andretti curse, and more importantly, propels the sport to the front of every sports site known to man.  "Andretti Wins Indy".  Even former fans turned off by the split would at least say "whoa!" and click on the link, seeing that as a headline.

For me?  For you?  For us racing fans?  We need Marco to win tomorrow (or Graham Rahal, another "whoa, I gotta click on this!" headline link that would fuel this awesome sport to the front of the conversation).

Doesn't mean I won't be rooting for Sebastien Bourdais (I will be).  Doesn't mean I won't be rooting for Tony Kanaan (I will be).  Doesn't mean I wouldn't love seeing Helio match Big Al, Rick Mears, and AJ in the "four timers" club (I would).  But for the sport?  It needs to be Marco.

There's four things the Indy 500 does better than you'd ever imagine, even given your heightened expectations: "Taps", "Back Home Again in Indiana", "God Bless America", and an Andretti crapping out on the final lap.  They do these four things so well, especially the first three, that every time I am in Indy to see the race, I cry like a baby as they unfold.

Last night, I spent a fun night celebrating my good buddy Dusty's 31st birthday by taking in a night of jazz and blues at BB's Lawnside BBQ in south KC.  Inevitably, racing came up, as a few of us there were racing fans.  In the interest of full disclosure, my buddy Dusty is NOT a racing fan -- far from it, actually.  He was with me in Indy in 2006 because he heard it was the craziest party imaginable*, and he wanted to experience it once.  (It lived up to his expectations).

(*: it was arguably the funnest three days of my life.  What I wouldn't give for one last "Stevo and Dusty take in the 500" weekend getaway ...)

Inevitably, some folks we wound up talking to started mocking me for having tears in my eyes during "Taps", or for being speechless after "God Bless America", or for just shaking my head as more tears flow during "Back Home Again in Indiana".  Normally, this is where Dusty would pounce and get in a good cheap shot or two.

Instead, this was his response:

(dj) so have you ever been (to Indy)?
(random) nope.
(dj) then you don't get it.

My way of saying: I have this feeling that tomorrow is going to be one of the great regrets of my life, a "God bless it, why was I not there again?!?!" tinge of regret that haunts me until eternity.  The safest, most surest way of that happening?  Is Marco Andretti winning this thing.  Tonight, I pray for greatness, for Marco to win this thing in blowout fashion.

Tomorrow?  I root for it to happen, sadly from a back deck in Raytown instead of the Southeast Vista in Speedway, Indiana ...

a fun quick post for a new facebook page ...

sk: yes, my disgust, contempt, and utter hatred of our "current administration" has led to this ... enjoy?

(side note: probably won't post again this week due to job issues ... but if I can get out of the office by 5ish tomorrow, I promise: I will "live blog" the "Idol" finale.  I'll text and tweet the "readership" if it gets to happen.  (you can follow me at @teamtito15, on Facebook (if you friend me), or sign up as a member of this site ...)

From: stevo
To: rush limbaugh (rush@eibnet.com)
Re: proposal for NORMAL

Mr. Limbaugh:

I actually write you as a PUMA Democrat that is scratching his head that we're considering dumping Biden for Hillary ... as opposed to doing what any person with 2/1000ths of common sense would do, and dump Obama for Hillary*.

(*: I am not wrong about this.  Why in the hell is a man who currently has 88 million full time employable Americans (out of about 200 million) not working actually atop the ticket?  Say what you want about President Clinton -- he left us with a budget surplus, a booming economy, and unengaged in any long-term military conflict.  God forbid we go back to that.  Because it's better than any of his two successors can say.)

Having said that, I have listened to you since I was 15 (found you in the 1992 campaign) ... and while a fan of yours, sir, we disagree on a lot of social issues, but (I hope) not on this one issue:

(speaking like a brain dead liberal now ...)

You should change your "Rush Babes for America" Facebook page, or perhaps start a second page, with a more "gender neutral" acronym like "NORMAL"  The "National Organization of Rush (fans) Male And Female".  As a 35 year old male living in a bastion of Liberalville (the alt universe to the "Literalville" of which you are the Mayor of), I am offended* that I cannot join the Rush Babes because I was "born this way", as in "not a babe".  So I think you should make a male equiavlent Facebook page, or at least a  "non gendeded biased" version of a Facebook page, to satisfy those of you who love you, but cannot join your ongoing fight to right the wrong that 2008 was, because, uum, well, we lack the female genitalia.

(*: not really.)

I may disagree with you on a lot of social issues, but you are right far closer to the 99 plus percent figure you tout, than Barack Hussein Obama (uum!  uum!  uum!) will ever dream of becoming.

Love the show, keep up the fun.  You make work not even seem like work three hours at a time sir.

Good day, and God bless,

Stevo

idol top 3: phil's got tonight babe -- please let him stay ...

You know, for being eleven seasons in, this show still has some staying power.  It still has the ability to impress you, to move you … and to stun the hell out of you when you least expect it.

Possibly never more so than the final performance last night, as Phil (who, in the interest of full disclosure, is who I want to win this season at this point) took a song that is nearly as old as I am … and knocked it to (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base.

Here’s how I’d rate the nine performances last night, from worst to first …

* Josh, covering “Imagine” by John Lennon.  Hang on, I need to step away from the laptop for a minute.  (stevo taking 2/1000ths of a second to compose himself …) 

There are certain songs that no one should ever attempt to tackle, because the first effort, was so flawless, so perfect, that anything you do to said song, will only wind up looking weak, pathetic, and inferior.  And no song is that more true of, than “Imagine”.

Blake Lewis, my all-time favorite contestant on this show (although, to be fair, Phil is rapidly gaining on him), butchered this song in season six.  David “Asshat” Archuleta nearly made the ghost of John Lennon decapitate him with his embarrassing effort on this in season seven.

And last night?  Josh basically unzipped his pants and let it whiz on the greatest song a human being has even written and/or recorded.  The beauty of “Imagine” is its simplicity – it’s one man, at his piano, putting into words his idea of utopia.

What Josh did to this song?  Should infuriate anyone who gets what John Lennon meant when he composed this masterpiece.  Please, “Idol” contestants, and any singer anywhere for that matter?  Leave perfection alone.

Grade: F.

* Jessica, covering “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith.  I’ll give the girl this: she’s got balls of steel, to choose an Aerosmith song with its singer judging her.  Unfortunately, her performance was in the ballpark of “god awful”, and within a base of “shitty”.

Her vocal was underwhelming, the arrangement was a mess, and again, see my point regarding Josh’s abysmal effort on “Imagine” – some songs are so well known, so perfectly done the first time out, that attempting to “cover” or “reinvent” them, come off as pathetic.

Grade: D.

* Phil, covering “Beggin” by Madcon.  It was a perfectly acceptable cover.  I’m absolutely willing to pay $1.29 to listen to it again on iTunes.  But it was one of his weaker efforts this season, and didn’t come anywhere close to anything else performed last night.

(Have to admit up front: I argued five weeks ago that this was the deepest talent pool “Idol” has ever had for a top seven.  When Colton is your seventh best competitor?  When Skylar can’t get a homecoming?  Sick talent.  Sick.)

Grade: D+.  Put it this way – all three contestants had at least one god-awful effort last night.    And each of them had one epic performance.  How America judges their middling, average effort?  Determines who advances.

* Jessica, covering “My All” by Mariah Carey.  This was JLo’s choice for her, and I actually liked the performance.  I thought she did a perfectly acceptable job.  My problem with Jessica is this: how does she get better from here?

Yes, it’s a harsh criticism … but it’s a fair one.  Kelly Clarkson had superstar written all over her.  Ditto Carrie Underwood and Jordin Sparks.  David Cook is an acquired taste, but one worth acquiring.  Even Scottie, as much as I was not a fan, even Scottie you knew exactly who he was, and what he was going to aim for as an artist.

Jessica?  I have no clue.  She wants to be a diva-style singer … but I don’t think she has the voice to pull it off, as evidenced last night.  She’s not country, she’s not top 40 pop … still, this was a perfectly acceptable effort that, as Slezak pointed out in his quick hit summary, you’ll forget about 30 seconds from now.

Grade: C+.

* Josh, covering “I’d Rather Go Blind” by Etta James.  In the interest of full disclosure, no contestant save for Katherine McPhee, has even driven me as bat shit crazy as Josh does.  He annoys the crap out of me.  But since I strive to be objective … this was a perfectly mediocre performance that I never want to hear again.

Grade: B-.

* Phil, covering Matchbox 20’s “Disease”.  I love Matchbox 20, but this was the wrong song to choose.  (This was Phil’s song choice).  If he wanted to do Matchbox 20 (which was a good call), he should have gone with “Unwell” or for a truly inspired choice, “Long Day”.  I fear this perfectly mediocre effort is what will send him home tonight.

Grade: B.

* Jessica, covering “I’ll Be There” by the Jackson 5.  A really solid effort that got overshadowed by the remaining two performances.  If you close your eyes and just listen to the performance, you’ll totally dig it.  If you actually watch the performance, you’ll just like it.  Not a good sign for The Sanchize’s long-term prospects to become the next great American recording artist this show launches.

Grade: B+.

* Josh, covering “No More Drama” by Mary J. Blige.  There will be some who argue this was so over-the-top that it was unbearable.  And believe me – on first listen, I was one of you, right down to the “Jesus, he stripped the suit coat off AGAIN?!?!” portion of the performance.  Only, give it a second, a third, a fourth listen.  This was epically good.  I loved the over-the-top theatrics, I loved how he totally threw himself emotionally into the song.  And again, in the interest of full disclosure – the only “Idol” contestant to reach top four status I have ever hated more than Josh, is Katherine McPhee.  He nailed this, and earned a spot in the final.  Excellent effort.

Grade: A.

But the best performance of the night, the most unexpected performance of the night, got the pimp slot, to close the show down …

* Phil, covering “We’ve Got Tonight” by Bob Seger.  I have to admit, when Jimmy gave this as his choice to Phil, I cringed.  This song is not in Phil’s wheelhouse.  I had zero expectations entering it.

And then this happened.

Sweet freaking Jesus.

If this is Phil’s final “Idol” moment, and I suspect it is, give the kid this – he went out on an epically high note, a top six of all time performance.  (I’d rate it sixth, behind Blake’s “You Give Love a Bad Name”, Diana’s “Don’t Cry Out Loud”, JHud’s “Weekend in New England” (that somehow got her voted out, what the f*ck?!?!), Carrie’s “Alone”, and LaKisha’s “This Ain’t a Love Song” … and just ahead of Kris’ “Heartless” and David Cook’s “The World I Know”.)

I loved how he kept to the soft, subdued, almost whisper-like version the original was.  I loved how he avoided a huge finish, instead closing it out exactly as it should be – with an air of regret, of knowing the plea of the song is going to go unfulfilled.

And yeah, I totally loved how the eye shot at the 2:11 mark of the clip revealed he might be higher than a kite.  It’s called Visine kid.  You might want to invest in some.

Anyone my age-ish?  Has a connection to this song, and this is why, at least for me.  One of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite shows.

Grade: A+.  Awesome effort I can’t stop replaying, and can’t wait to download on iTunes.  I just fear it’s not enough to get him through tonight to next week …

looking for a positive in duffy's injury ...

“I hate myself for loving you!

Can’t break free from the things that you do!

I want to walk, but I run back to you,

That’s why I hate myself for loving you!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

In a season filled with ridiculous injury issues, today’s news that Danny Duffy has blown out a tendon in his elbow and will likely require Tommy John surgery is like the frosting on the proverbial cake.

I mean, who are these guys, the Chiefs?  This is getting a bit ridiculous.  Two starting pitchers, our closer, center fielder, catcher, all disabled for lengthy periods of time already.  (But in every cloud, you can see a ray of sunshine – Yuni Betancourt is also hurt and out for awhile.  Yippee!)

The latest bad news comes after the Royals won yet another series, to climb back to within shouting distance of .500, and more importantly, to less than five games out in the standings.  Quietly, under the radar, the Royals have split or won every series since the losing streak ended, and if you discount the losing streak, this team has played really solidly.  (Unfortunately, this isn’t a gambling pool where you high and low scores get tossed – the losing streak counts.)

Unlike most Royals fans, I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet, because I see four positives out of this injury.  To quote GMDM’s predecessor, (allard baird voice) “No Question” this is a setback.  But come on, its not like we lost Chris Carpenter for the season here.  I think the Cardinals held a pitching staff that a tee-ball team could, uuh, tee off on, I think they held on pretty well after losing their ace last year.  (And Duffy isn’t the ace of our staff, not by a long shot.)

I will be going to Thursday’s game with my buddy Dusty, and I plan on going Sunday with my brother and anyone else who feels like tailgating on an 88 degree and sunny day, then baking in old right field GA for a couple hours while watching the Royals play.  Maybe come Sunday, my views will have changed.  But here’s why I’m not as upset as I should be …

1. Because this team still has enough talent to outslug and outscore anyone.  To everyone panicked over this loss, uum, did any of you REALLY expect the Royals starting pitching staff to be even remotely spectacular?  I think we’d settle for middle-of-the-league mediocre, because if we’re winning, it generally isn’t going to be due to a spectacular 8 innings / 1 hit / 1 walk / 10ks / 0 run performance from whoever we trot out in the first inning.

Eric Hosmer is eventually going to get on track.  As Rany Jazayerli pointed out on the Border Patrol this morning, his BABIP is an insane .171.  He has no luck whatsoever.  That will change.

(If not this season, then definitely next year.  Remember, the single most talented player this franchise has employed in the last twenty years, had a HORRIFIC sophomore season that ended with his refusal to take the field in minor league rehab because he was scared of the alligators in the swamp behind the center field wall.  In his defense?  I wouldn’t want to be walking within ten feet of a pissed off alligator either.  Carlos Beltran was a disaster in 2000 … then was the best player this franchise has had since Vincent Edward Jackson in his prime for the next 3 ½ years for us.)

Duffy’s injury simply means we’re going to have to start winning 9-7 instead of 6-4.  Which brings me to point two:

2. Of all the people on this team – players, trainers, coaching staff, even the front office – no one is more qualified to get these guys winning slugfests than our current hitting coach.  The job Kevin Seitzer has done is nothing short of miraculous.  Why can’t he continue to pull off the miraculous?

He gets Lorenzo Cain back in a couple weeks, and Sal Perez a week or so after that.  I don’t know about you, but a lineup of:

1. CF Cain

2. 1B / DH Hosmer

3. DH / 1B Butler

4. LF Gordon

5. RF Francouer

6. 3B Moustakas

7. C Perez

8. 2B Getz / Giavotella

9. SS Escobar

Is certainly capable of cranking out 5-6 runs a night.  And let’s face it, we’re only asking our starters to go 5-6 innings, and hold the enemy to four runs or less.  Because the real strength of the team is still pretty much intact, and that would be …

3. The best bullpen in baseball?  It’s certainly in the short list of candidates.  Let’s think this through rationally.

Let’s take tonight’s game in Texas, for example.  Tonight is more the exception to the rule, as the bullpen was called on after three batters yesterday, but most nights, here’s what we’re asking Bruce Chen to do tonight.

5 IP, 4 ER.

Anything better than that?  Is like finding a $20 bill in your pants pocket when you put them on in the morning.  (And that actually happened to me this morning.  It somehow survived the washing machine and the dryer pretty much intact.  SCORE!)

Is that doable?  We’re basically asking our starters to post Scott Elarton / Kyle Davies / Lima Time stats every night.  Are Chen / Paulino / Hochevar / insert callup here / insert callup here capable of replicating the ghost of Mark Redman?

Hell yes that is doable!

And then, come the 6^th inning, you’re looking the rest of the way for:

6^th into the 7^th: Aaron Crow / Greg Holland.

7^th into the 8^th: Tim Collins / Greg Holland.

9^th: Broxton.

With Luis Mendoza “Line”, Kelvin Herrera, and Nate Adcock available as needed.

Is this doable?  Absolutely this is doable.

But the single biggest reason I am relatively calm, cool, and collected over this setback, is because of the opportunity it presents, because …

4. Peoples and peepettes, we will know beyond the shadow of any doubt four months from now whether Ned Yost is the right man for the job or not.

Please note – I am NOT saying Ned needs to get this team to 87 wins and the cusp of a playoff berth to keep his job.  What I AM saying, is that because we’re (ween voice) “up shits creek with a turd for a paddle” right now, it falls on Mr. Yost to show what he can do.  Can he maximize the opportunities presented to this team?  Can he find the right lineup combination to take advantage of a matchup?  Does he call for the steal, the hit-and-run, even (please God, just bash my back with a 2x4 at even typing these next two words) “situational bunt” at the right moment in the contest?

(Note: as I finish typing this, the Royals and Rangers are scoreless through one.  The Royals were given a leadoff walk … and Jarrod Dyson stole second, reached third on a fielders choice, but failed to score because of an unlucky tapback to the pitcher by Billy Butler.  I’m ok with that – the opportunity was there, and Ned took advantage of it.  Ditto the bottom of the first – two outs, nobody on, and Chen allowed the “un-intentional intentional walk” to Josh Hamilton.  No runs scored.  So far, Ned is “Good Ned”, at least tonight anyways.)

(Second note: the Rangers lead 1-0 in the bottom of the fourth.  I have no complaints to date from this game.  Having attended many a hot late spring / early fall game in that Ballpark, I'm more shocked only one run has been scored so far, that Ballpark is a freaking home run derby's dream at this time of the year.)

Those of you who read this that are Chiefs fans, let’s just be honest – in many regards, the injury to Matt Cassel was the BEST thing that could have happened to the team.  Seriously.  Yes, it probably cost us the division (I firmly believe we would have beaten the Steelers here at Arrowhead with Cassel under center; hell, we nearly did with Tyler Palko calling the shots).  But what did the injury do, that wasn’t possible before it occurred?

It forced everyone in the organization to take a good, legitimate look at the man affectionately known on this site as “Coach Asshat”.  And what they saw, wasn’t pretty. 

That’s where we now are with Ned Yost.  The expectations are gone.  Whatever this team manages to accomplish going forward, is great news, and reflects extremely positively on Ned.  If this team goes into the proverbial crapper though?  That’s also on Ned, and is most definitely NOT good news.

Like I noted four pages ago, I’ll be there Thursday with DJ*, and I’ll probably be there Sunday with Drew and anyone else who wants to show up.  Feel free to join me either day.

(*: we have a kind-of birthday tradition, where we pick a day game in May, and I buy the tickets and the tailgating booze for DJ’s birthday (which is in late May).  This year?  Oh yeah, the only day game in the entire f*cking month … is School Day at the K.  20,000 screaming school-aged kids.  I guess they have to meet the “crazy drunk uncle” at some point.)

I’m not ready to throw the towel in on this season.  Just like I wasn’t ready to quit on the Chiefs when they were 0-3, and three of our eight best players were done for the year.  Unlike the Chiefs?  Help is on the way. 

Because if I’d listed a fifth positive, it’s that this means Montgomery will be up by the end of the month, and Odorizzi reaches Omaha by then as well, so potentially 2/3rds of the rotation of the future is in place by July 1^st.  And to those of you who argue that throwing so many young kids out there means imminent disaster for the Boyz n Blue, I direct you to the 1984 Royals … or the 1991 Braves.  It can be done …

idol's best moment of season 11

If you’re a frequent reader / visitor of this site, you might have noticed that I haven’t recapped “American Idol” in a couple weeks.

The reason for this is three fold:

1. My two favorite contestants this year (Colton and Skylar) are no longer on the show.

2. I hate Joshua Ledet with a passion, the likes of which I haven’t felt since john elway was under center.  As much as I hated Katherine McPhee (and yet shocking love her in “Smash”), as much as I despised David “Asshat” Archuleta, as much as I was chucking empty beer cans towards the television in the “year of Fantasia” … I’ve never hated an “Idol” contestant more than this guy.  And

3. There hasn’t been a performance yet that made me go “sweet Jesus!  Download (on iTunes!)!  Like, yesterday, download!!!”

Until Wednesday night.  (That I finally got around to watching this morning.)

When (your presumptive?) favorite, Phillip Phillips, NAILED Damien Rice’s “Volcano”.

Yes, granted, this is the type of music I dig, the Damien Rice / Ben Harper / DMB / (occasionally) MGMT wheelhouse of greatness. 

But damn if the kid didn’t nail this one.

Enjoy!  (properly, with a tobacco-like substance to “enhance the listening experience” … good God, am I gonna be one helluva drug and alcohol rehab case study someday soon …)

my wacky yet totally rational proposal of a lifetime ...

Well, I’ll give the Kansas Republican Party this – when they go for broke?  They TRULY go for broke!

Earlier today, the culmination of a twenty year march to insanity reached its peak, as the Kansas House passed a tax bill that literally bankrupts the state, screws the poor and working families, and ensures the wealthiest among us will become even wealthier.  It is a bill its own sponsors admit will leave the state in a $2 billion deficit hole a mere four years from now, in addition to putting Kansas $270 million plus in the red for next year.  And we haven’t even balanced THIS year’s budget yet!!!  Because, uuh, guys and gals in the statehouse?  You are aware that Kansas has a balanced budget amendment, right?  You HAVE to balance the budget each year?  You are aware of that, right?

This bill is … well, I’ve stated before my staunch opposition to abortion, but if EVER something deserved to be aborted, this bill is it.  While I applaud cutting the personal income tax rates (just keep reading – if you have even an ounce of common sense to you, and you live in the KC Metro area, you are going to nod your head in total and complete agreement at today’s post), here’s the other “goodies” in this ludacris bill:

* cuts the sales tax by 6/10ths of a cent, effective July 1.  As you will see below, this is an absolutely laugh-out-loud stupid decision, and every conservative and thinking liberal (which, granted, is a shrinking minority) knows why this is an absolutely laugh-out-loud stupid decision.

* eliminates the tax credit for daycare costs.  I swear, are these IDIOTS in the statehouse TRYING to destroy economic growth?  True story – my sister in law literally devotes her entire paycheck to simply paying daycare costs for my nephew and my nieces.  And will be for at least one more year.  Thankfully, my brother has a solid job, and they can manage to survive (literally) losing half the household income to daycare. 

So what of the people who DON’T have a second income to help them?  Yes, some people have put themselves in that position due to irresponsibility … but even so, are the Republicans this callous, this uncaring, about a generation of children they insist must be born no matter what the preference of the mother is when she finds out she’s pregnant?

* it eliminates all income taxes on limited liability corporations and sole proprietorships.  If you keep reading, you will see that I support a limited version of this in “Stevo’s Utopia” … but ask yourself this: if you’re a small business owner in the state of Kansas, how long is it going to take you to RUN – not walk, RUN – to your local courthouse and refile your company as a LLC or a sole proprietorship, 2/1000^ths of a second?  3/1000ths?  These fools have no idea what they’ve done.

* here’s a genius idea: let’s eliminate allowing the poor to deduct their grocery sales taxes on their state income tax.  That’s brilliant.  It’s outrageous enough Kansas charges grocery sales at the full sales tax rate (Missouri does not – it charges at about 25%, give or take a percent or two, of the full sales tax rate), but to eliminate the ability to recoup that?  Could literally bankrupt thousands of families come next April.

And why, you ask, were these tax credits revoked?  Because oh yes, the top marginal tax rates – plural! – were CUT in HALF!  Again, I personally abhor the income tax – I favor a national sales and VAT tax, because … well, we’ll get to why in a few pages, and it’s something, again, that EVERY fiscal conservative and MOST thinking liberals already know.

Having said that as my opening rant, what can be done about it?  What do sane, rational citizens do when their government has come off the rails?  When a group of loony toons run the state?  There’s only one solution, and I proposed it sixteen years ago, in a creative writing class in college. 

As one of our assignments, we were tasked with drafting a hare-brained idea that people might be interested in seeing occur.  Emphasis on "creative", obviously. 

I chose to write about an idea I'd had floating around in my head since high school.  An idea that on the surface, seems kooky ... yet made sense, given the political environment of the day.

Today, I am unveiling that idea to the masses, albeit with a slight modification to my original proposal.

I base this idea on something that happened in 1861.  Well actually, back up about thirty years earlier, to the mid 1830s.  Then Vice President John C. Calhoun (D-SC), angry at the high tariffs a Northern dominated Congress was passing to restrict the cotton trade, proposed what came to be known as the “Theory of Nullification”.  Basically, what Calhoun argued was that when a Congress passes punitive measures against a state or a region of states, and said Congress refuses to rescind the legislation?  Then the affected states had the right to secede and form a new nation / state / whatever.  This theory would become the justification eleven states would use in 1860 and 1861 to secede from the Union.

OK, back to 1861.  The Confederacy had just captured Fort Sumter, Presidents Lincoln and Davis were asking every able bodied man to sign up for military service, the nation was being dragged into the hell that is a civil war.  And in mid-May, the state of Virginia voted to secede from the Union and join the Confederate cause.  The decision itself wasn't surprising -- a huge chunk of the state was plantation based farming, and President Davis had dangled the carrot of moving the capital to Richmond if the state would join their cause.

What was surprising ... was that a chunk of the state, 33 northwestern counties in all, refused to recognize the secession ordinance, and instead, turning the theory on its designers, drafted their own act of secession, to secede from the state of Virginia and form a new state.  This act was actually recognized by Congress in 1863, and the state of West Virginia was born.

Ladies and gentlemen, peoples and peepettes, the fifteenth amendment makes secession from the Union illegal.  But based upon actual precedent, secession from a state, to form a new state?  IS legal.  And it’s high damned time the counties of Johnson, Wyandotte, Douglas, Leavenworth, and (if it wants in) Miami do exactly that – tell the quack Republican wingnuts in Topeka “thanks, but no thanks” to the idiocracy they are creating, and combine our counties together …

To form the new state of East Kansas.

I first proposed this idea, like I said, sixteen years ago, when the lunacy in Topeka was just beginning.  People tend to forget, but twenty short years ago?  Kansas was the model of moderation.  We had two moderate Senators in Bob Dole and Nancy Kassebaum.  A moderate (Jan Meyers) represented JoCo and WyCo in Congress.  A Democrat (Dan Glickman) represented Wichita in Congress.  We had a Democrat governor (the incompetent Joan Finney), who was replaced by one of the best governors the state ever had (the moderate Republican Bill Graves).  In fact, when it actually appeared the Supreme Court would overturn Roe v Wade in the summer of 1992?  The state legislature passed (and Governor Finney signed) a law that ensured abortion would remain legal in Kansas in the event the Supreme Court kicked the legalization of abortion back to the state level.  (Something they should do anyways, Roe v Wade is the second worse Supreme Court decision ever, behind only Dred Scott.  And I was saying that even when I held pro-choice views a decade ago.)

So what changed?  Well, a group of radical conservatives came up with a genius idea in hindsight, if not at the time – pack the ballot with conservative candidates to promote their socially conservative, economically irresponsible agenda.  How, you ask, were they so successful, so soon?  Because they found a way to play the system against itself – only true believers tend to vote in primaries, especially in non-Presidential election years.  Bammo, within four years, the moderates were a minority, and people such as Phill Kline, Todd Tiahrt, Kris Kobach, Kay O’Connor, and other far-right believers were the leaders of the state for all intents and purposes.

It was that sudden, nearly overnight shift, turning my home state from a model of common sense into a state that refused to teach evolution*, that led me to conclude that Vice President Calhoun’s theory made sense, and it was time to apply it.  If the vast majority of Kansas truly wants a very limited government with no social safety net, a government that refuses to regulate business but regulates a woman’s vagina, a government that embraces the worst mankind has to offer, a government that enriches the rich at the expense of the poor?  Let ‘em have it.  We’ll take our money (that single-handedly keeps the state afloat) and go form our own more perfect union -- East Kansas.

(*: I personally do not buy evolution as a credible scientific theory for how the universe began … but when something is the universally accepted scientific theory of the day, you are damaging your kid’s futures by not at least teaching said universally accepted scientific theory of the day.  Even a monkey knows that.)

That was the idea sixteen years ago.  But like the President on his views on gay marriage, my idea has evolved.  I never dreamed the government in Jeff City could possibly approach the lunacy that is Topeka, but by God, this session?  They’ve not only approached it, they’ve arguably topped it, right down to some quack senator from the boothills deciding that he – not parents, not students, not local school districts – he and he alone knows what single biggest problem facing schools state-wide is, and it’s (gasp) gay-lesbian student organization. 

This (amongst other frightening ideas spewing forth in Jeff City on a daily basis) is why I have adapted my idea of East Kansas … to include the counties of Jackson, Platte, and Clay on the Missouri side.

Let’s look at the positives of an eight county state of East Kansas …

1. No more state line.  Do you realize that with this one stroke, by simply telling the extremists in the two state capitals “you all want a theocracy*?  Fine, have one, we’re out of here”, that we solve the metropolitan area’s single biggest problem?  No longer would Kansas and Missouri be giving away the treasury to lure a business across the state line (like Kansas did with Cerner and AMC, and Missouri did with the EPA).  The only state line in the metropolitan area that would exist, is the road bearing that name.

(*: idiocracy, theocracy, they’re both the same thing.  Even God realized a theocracy doesn’t work, hence giving the Jews King Saul, and eventually King David and King Solomon.  Hey, when God freely admits something is a failure, who am I to question His wisdom and insight?)

2. No more excuses for the lack of a legitimate mass transit system.  Instead of three bus systems?  Consolidate into one, because we’re one big happy state now.  Instead of bitching over bi-state funding for light rail?  Just fund the damned system already.  (Don’t worry, I have a plan for how to do this.) 

Five simple lines – from Gardner to Union Station along I-35; from Belton to Union Station via the Watkins; from Union Station to the airport via the Broadway extension and I-29; from Union Station to Liberty via I-35; and from the Legends, through Union Station, out to Blue Springs via I-70.  (Why funnel everything through Union Station?  Because it’s my idea, that’s why.  Plus, I love Union Station in DC.  There’s nothing wrong with stealing an idea that works.)

3. Another positive – at a time when most states and municipalities are wrestling with ways to finance stadium and arena renovations and rebuilds?  We’ve already done it.  Stick the state with the bill they’re already on the hook for.  For what the new state of East Kansas would be on the hook for (which is the Truman Sports Complex and the Sprint Centre / Power and Light, and possibly Livestrong Park, not sure how the financials on that were arrived at, but I believe Kansas is responsible for it, not WyCo), let’s steal the one good idea the state of Kansas has legislated into law the last five, six years, and let’s take the revenue from the state-owned Hollywood Casino (now owned by East Kansas!), and dedicate every cent raised from the state’s share of profits to paying off the stadium / arena bonds ASAFP.

However, one state-run casino isn’t going to be enough.  We’re going to need a second one (and in a couple more pages, when I write into our founding document THE loophole of the century, you’ll understand why we need more than one … but not more than two). 

Like the Hollywood Casino, the new casino should be placed as far away from the Missouri River as possible, because East Kansas isn’t looking to drive business away (when we get to my tax code, you’ll see this is very, very true).

Ideally, you put this second casino in an economically viable part of the state that is currently struggling, to revitalize the local economy in that area.  (Remember, our state is going to be about the size of New Jersey, although more circular shaped than rectangular.  It won’t be hard to attract people from all over the state to a new destination spot at least once.)  It should be in an easily accessible part of the state as well – ideally close to the freeway, and if placed in the metro area, ideally close to the new legitimate mass transit and light rail routes we’re implementing.

Ladies and gentlemen, is there any more perfect location to put this casino than on the old Bannister Mall property?  I say no.  (And at the risk of stereo-typing the citizens of East Kansas, who tends to frequent casinos, the well-off in life … or those of a slightly lower class?  As someone who jogs past the roo-eens of Bannister Mall nearly every evening, I can assure you, I do not live in a high-income area of town.  And as someone who is an addicted gambler, and is not “well off” in life, uum, well, put it in a place where you’ll attract a crowd.  And that ain’t Leawood, EK.)

4. Put the capital in what used to be KCK, now renamed East Kansas City.  Put it in the heart of downtown.  Why?  Because since the Legends and the Speedway revitalized the suburbs of East Kansas City, and the Sprint Centre and P&L revitalized downtown Kansas City, and the proposed casino where Bannister Mall used to sit will revitalize the most economically depressed part of the major metropolitan area of our new state, let’s revitalize the second most depressed area, East Kansas City from 635 to the old state line.

(Or, if you’re being really creative?  Put the new capital where Indian Springs sits today, and then you’ll really revitalize an economically depressed part of the capital city of our new state.)

5. The single biggest issue that will be facing East Kansas (other than the possibility that the Missouri and Kansas National Guard masses at our borders, ready to do to us what Hitler did to Poland) is public education.  Let’s face it – Johnson County has some of the best school districts in the nation.  Shawnee Mission, Blue Valley, Olathe, DeSoto, all top notch.  And KCK isn’t that bad off.  The key is to somehow transfer that wealth of knowledge (and more importantly, parents that give a damn) to what remains of the KCMO district. 

However, even in challenge, we have opportunity … because all the money currently being drained from the JoCo (and WyCo) schools and shipped west to educate our former statemates in rural Kansas?  Now stays local, and by local, that means some of it gets shipped to the district formerly known as KCMO, now known as KCEK.  There will be more money to spend on education simply because we won’t be dropping $92,000 a kid on a classroom of five in Bumfuck, Kansas or Backwater, Missouri.  Instead, we’ll be dropping $10,000 a kid on a classroom of 25.  Plus, since the whole state will virtually be one big metropolitan area (again, think New Jersey for a comparison, except without the swamps and union thugs), we won’t have to deal with funding rural districts.  What will the smallest district in East Kansas be, Lansing?  Miami?  Gardner?  All large enough that legitimate class sizes (to ensure maximization of education spending) is achieved. 

Yes we can!  (Maintain the quality of the JoCo schools, while having said quality spread to the surrounding districts).

6. Taxation: (deep breath) here we go.  It’s my dream state, so it’s my dream tax system.  First, there will be no state income tax in East Kansas.  The income tax is a regressive tax that minimizes tax revenue, and I want no party of a regressive system that limits your revenue intake.  Secondly, buh-bye KCEK earnings tax.  Under my tax system we’re going to test out (and that I wish to God the nation would test drive), we have no need for an earnings tax.

Instead, we’re going to have a three-tiered tax system at the state level.  First, we will set a corporate tax rate of 2.5%, with only one exemption: if your business profit is less than $50,000 for a particular year, AND no employee of your company draws a cash compensation of over $99.999.99 for that particular year, then you will pay a 0.0% corporate tax rate  Unless that loophole applies?  Your company is paying 2.5% on its income to the state, no exemptions, no exceptions, no deductions.  This ensures three things:

* our corporate tax rate will be half that of Kansas (as of today, and 1/3 of Kansas’ rate prior to today), and slightly below Missouri’s level (which I believe is 3.5%).  This will encourage businesses currently located in places like Topeka, Harrisonville, St. Joseph, and other “border towns” to consider moving inside our state’s borders.

* it will ensure every business pays its fair share.  Do you realize (and I know this is at the federal level but still), do you realize that GE paid exactly $0.00 in corporate taxes the last three years?  No, seriously, GE, one of the ten largest corporations in the world, hasn’t paid a cent in federal taxes since 2008.  How?  Loopholes*!  If you don’t have any, every business not only pays its fair share, it can plan accordingly for what it owes.  And

* if a business has a down year, and it’s a legitimate down year, not a “lowering the income on the earnings report because it all got paid out as a bonus to the owner” down year, then you won’t be punished further by having to come up with money to pay taxes on the little you did earn.

(*: the mother load of revenue raising, the mother load of all loopholes, is coming up in a few more paragraphs.  And yes, even sixteen years ago when I first proposed this idea, I knew this loophole existed.  Stay tuned – pretty much every loyal reader of this site is going to LOVE this loophole …)

The second tier of our revolutionary tax system will be a 4% state sales tax on all items, save for groceries and certain other necessity-of-life items.  These items will not be taxed. 

(If you read nothing else I ever type, read the next two paragraphs, not only because it’s 100% factually true (as you can confirm at various state’s tax websites), but the only states in the country currently experiencing economic growth?  Are the ones that implement my proposal in the paragraph above.)

Here’s the dirty little secret that brain dead liberals (of which there are too many) refuse to admit, but conservatives (other than those currently running the two states we are seeking to secede from) are absolutely right about – not only do revenues to the treasury increase when you lower or eliminate income taxes (because people are less likely to look for loopholes to get out of paying them) … states with a sales tax system instead of an income tax system raise more revenues as well.  Why?  Because with income, you’re capped.  You can’t take more than a certain percentage of what a person owns.  With a sales tax?  You’re not capped – the limit is only in what people spend, not earn. 

People can live “beyond their means”.  It’s called “credit”.  You can spend more in a year than you earn.  In fact, I would venture to guess that virtually every person that will live within the borders of East Kansas will spend more than they earn in a year.  A small, reasonable sales tax on all non-essential-to-life items will raise a lot more money than the regressive income tax.  (And the beauty of it is, citizens actually believe they pay less, since they keep more of what they earn every couple weeks).

The third tier?  Here’s the revolutionary part.  Somehow, if East Kansas is to become the modern utopia I envision it to be, what with legitimate mass transit, light rail, vastly improved public education that is fully funded, and an economic environment that encourages investment via low taxation … well, you still gotta fund that utopia.  And unlike President Obama, I don’t believe in robbing our kids and our grandkids to pay for today’s visions.

Which is why the third tier is going to be a 4% VAT tax on all individual items sold inside the state for $29.96 or above.  What is a VAT tax, you ask?  Well, it’s only been proposed in this country once to date, in President Clinton’s first budget, but it’s a damned solid revenue raiser currently used in Europe and most of Asia (and it’s coming at the federal level, no matter who wins in 2012, it’ll be law by 2015, we’re that broke as a nation.)  VAT stands for “value added tax”.  Basically, it’s a tack-on extra sales tax on higher priced items.  Setting the bar at essentially $30 ensures food, diapers, non-luxurious clothing / bedding / bath needs, and (most importantly!) “middle class booze” won’t likely have a VAT tax on it, so it won’t punish you for simply living.

Low corporate tax rate.  No state income tax.  Very reasonable state income tax rate.  No more earnings tax.  And a VAT tax on moderate to higher end items to finance the infrastructure improvements this region of the country desperately needs.

(Oh, and property taxes?  Local municipalities are free to set mill levies as they see fit.  The state will not collect one cent in taxes on your property.)

7. The legal differences.  Let’s face it, if we’re reconciling counties from two states into one, there’s gonna be some laws that have to be dealt with.  So let’s deal with them.

First, we’re adapting the liquor laws of Missouri.  If a grocery store wants to sell legitimate beer and booze, let them.  Also, 24/7 liquor sales.  East Kansas will never be confused with an idiocracy or a theocracy – if people want to drink?  Let them. 

Second, we’re adopting the local taxation laws of Kansas.  Each municipality is free to set its own tax rate to fund whatever project is before them without requiring a city-wide vote.  You elect a city council for a reason.  If you don’t like the rate they set?  Vote them out. 

Third, we’re going to file a legal challenge to the illegality of marijuana at a federal level.  We have long passed the point as a nation to where we need to legalize and tax the hell out of weed, just like we do cigarettes.  In the interim, we’re legalizing medical marijuana, and Dr. Nick Riviera will be manufacturing medicinal needs for anyone who needs their wacky tobaccy. 

Fourth, we’re writing into our state constitution legalized paramutual AND sports wagering.  Hang on, let me celebrate this for a second … OOH, SWEET JESUS, THE MOTHER OF ALL LOOPHOLES!!!  Existing states that did not have legalized sports wagering when the 1973 act was passed by Congress to clamp down on illegal gambling, cannot go back and amend their constitutions to allow paramutual and sports wagering.  (Delaware tried two years ago, and got their ass handed to them in court). 

But as a new state?  With a new constitution?  Oh hell to the yes, we can legalize that b*tch!  And we’re adding an addendum to the legalization, that said wagering can only occur at the two state-owned casinos, the one at the Legends and the one we’ll be building at the former Bannister Mall site (ensuring the state receives the proceeds, and not an out-of-state proprieter). 

Other state laws that will occur:

* In order to vote in East Kansas?  You must have a valid state ID.  Yes, I am a moderate to liberal in life … but come on.  You can’t cash a check without an ID.  How on earth are you allowed to vote without one? 

* However, no Arizona-style illegal immigration laws will be on the books.  Especially since Kris Kobach will no longer be involved in state administration.  (I presume that well-intentioned yet mentally challenged individual will opt to remain in his utopian idiocracy Kansas is now free to implement.)  The residents of East Kansas, regardless of their immigration status, should feel free to walk down the street without being immgrationally-profiled.

* Our state constitution will not mention one word about gay marriage, abortion rights, or recognition of domestic partnerships.  The legislators elected by the citizens of East Kansas will determine the limits placed on each grouping.  (And since I have faith in the counties I’m recruiting for this state, I believe we will legalize gay marriage, will allow abortion within certain parameters, and will allow couples who cohabitate to be on each other’s benefit plans.  Again, this is my utopia, deal with it.)

* Considering that the Sports Complex has been renovated recently, the Sprint Centre isn’t even ten years old, and the Speedway is viable for fifty plus years, the state Constitution will contain a clause that no public financing for any sporting venue can be allowed absent a two-thirds majority vote in the state legislature, or absent a two-thirds majority vote by the state’s citizens via a petition drive that puts the issue on the ballot.  Thirty years ago, when costs were lower, public financing of public facilities made sense.  Now, when stadiums and arenas are “outdated” not even 18 years after they open (as St. Louis is finding out)?  Hell no, there’s no need for public financing, unless a super-majority of either the Legislature or the public approves said public financing. 

* Also, all changes to the founding tax laws described above will require a 2/3rds super majority.  Yes, I’m pretty much copying the founding document of the Confederate States of America word for word at this point.  What can I say, they got a lot of things right that Benny Franklin and Tommy Jefferson screwed up.

Speaking of the Legislature …

* We’re borrowing liberally from Nebraska, and having only one Chamber.  There will be 27 legislative districts, drawn legitimately – no gerrymandering to begin with at least.  There’s no need for a House of Representatives – it’s the quacks in the state Houses now that we’re forming this state to get away from.  Also

* the Governor of East Kansas will have a line-item veto power, and it will be written into the state Constitution.  I’m not a fan of pork spending; the line-item veto is the surest way to prevent it.  Also, should the wingnuts we’re forming this state to get away from ever find a way to attain power?  The line-item veto ensures that tacking on a bill defunding Planned Parenthood as a line item to a bridge building bill can be removed with no damage to the general welfare of the public done.

* the State Supreme Court will consist of seven judges.  They will be appointed using the so-called “Kansas System”, where a panel of lawyers and judges will submit three candidates to the Governor, and he or she will choose one to sit on the bench.  Why fix what isn’t broken.

Other “potent potables” …

* Our governor will serve one six-year term, and cannot face recall or impeachment proceedings unless he or she is convicted in a court of law of violating felonious local, state, or federal law.  I’m not a fan of people who cheat on their significant other – they’re the biggest cowards walking the planet.  But in East Kansas, we will not tolerate Ken Starr witchhunts against the cowards, or whiny pathetic union thugs attempting to undo the will of the people because their feelings are hurt (ala Scott Walker in Wisconsin.)

* I assume we will receive the four seats in the House of Representatives our new state currently holds control of, and two (new) seats in the Senate, which puts our Electoral College number at 6, and pushes the Electoral College delegate count to 540.  (Or, to ensure there can never be a tie again, we could get five House seats and push the count to 541, since that would create a new seat not removed from Missouri and Kansas.  See, history!)

* The state flag will be as simple as it gets: the right half will be royal blue, the left half will be pitch black.  Two rectangles.  Kansas and Missouri, merged together.

 * Because discrimination of any form will not be tolerated, I will not write into our state’s founding document a clause banning “Sleazy” Manny Cleaver from ever being allowed to hold public office again.  But damn, its tempting to do so.

* Religious institutions will retain their tax-exempt 501(c)3 status … but only as long as they remain 100% neutral on all political issues of the day.  If a minister feels the need to tell his congregation how to vote?  That’s cool.  But that minister is going to be paying 2.5% of his church’s income to the state for the right to do so. 

* The same rule will apply to the media.  I don’t care that FOX News is conservative, and MSNBC is liberal.  I actually prefer a choice.  But don’t claim to be “fair and balanced” when you are anything but.  2.5%.  Next!

Finally …

8. KCI stays as it is.  As dumb as the ideas proposed and/or passed in Jeff City and Topeka over the last few months have been, there hasn’t been anything as stupid as the proposal to build a new airport to service the capital metropolitan area of East Kansas.

I know there are still more kinks to be worked out, but hey – to get Missouri into the Union?  It required a national compromise.  To get Kansas into the Union?  It took two state constitutions, an eastward invasion by John Brown, a westward invasion by Paul Quantrill, a civil war, and a ridiculous amount of human tragedy and loss.

To get East Kansas into the Union?  Would only require a referendum on eight counties’ ballots come November.  And an affirmative vote in Washington come the lame duck cession in December.  We can do this.  We can be East Kansas.

Because God knows it beats the hell out of the, uuh, hellish states we’re currently living in …