"We've been together since way back when.
And sometimes? I never want to see you again!
But I want you to know,
That after all these years?
You're still the one, I want whispering in my ear!
You're still the one, I wanna talk to in bed!
Still the one, that turns my head!
We're still having fun, and you're still the one!"
-- "Still the One" by Orleans.
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"A thirty-something woman and businessman happen upon the same cab during rush hour. During the ride, she notices he's with Fidelity. He then answers a question that's been nagging her for years."
That, peoples and peepettes, is the description for the video, of my favorite non-political commercial of all time. The Fidelity "Taxi" ad from the early 2000s that, quite frankly, is a first ballot Hall of Fame advertisement. How this thing won no awards, I have no idea. I don't use the phrase often, but dammit, this ad not winning the Ad of the Year, Decade, and Century? (tony bruno voice) That's an outrage!
It's one minute of pure, comedic gold. It has everything. Laugh out loud funny? Yes. Straight up racism? Oh yeah. Unflinching, unapologetic sexism? (sarah palin voice) You betcha! Directly teaches -- not implies; teaches! -- that black women have no intelligence, and that they need a rich white dude to handle their money for them, because they're too stupid to figure it out themselves? Of course!
Because this ad is so incredibly offensive to anyone with an ounce of intelligence ... I love it. It's given rise to catch phrases with some of my close friends. Anytime -- and I mean anytime -- there's a lull in the conversation, all the Voice of Reason has to do is drop "it's called a rollover", and we'll both bust up laughing, sometimes crying from laughing so hard. Anytime someone suggests an idea we all agree with, someone will bust out the "why not?", and bring the room down.
This ad is so amazing, so incredible ... that it is NOT available on Youtube! I know -- I went searching for it today. I literally spent five hours trying to find this thing ... and well, good things come to those who wait.
Here then, for today's post, is a running diary of THE greatest non-political ad, in television history.
Ladies and gentlemen, peoples and peepettes, I give you* ...
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
the decade that was: 2003
“I’m tired of being what you want me to be –
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me –
Put under the pressure, of walking in your shoes.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take, is another mistake to you!
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow …)
I’ve become so numb! (I can’t feel you there!)
Become so tired! (So much more aware!)
By becoming this? All I want to do
Is be more like me, and be less like you …”
-- “Numb” by Linkin Park, a huge, I mean hu-yuge, smash hit in 2003 (and 2004). It’s been awhile since I posted one of these. Enjoy?
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Of all the years in my life … and I’m currently living number thirty six … I'd have to say that 2003 is without question the most charmed year of my life. Not necessarily all good, not necessarily all bad -- just charmed.
It was the charmed year of my existance so far, seriously – charmed. Everything that should have been awful in the year? Wound up blowing up in the enemy’s face, so to speak.
A shady boss hiring my job out from under me? His hire was so incompetent, that he was fired within five months of starting, and I had my old job back, with a ten percent raise … and a few months later, said shady boss was fired with cause. A drunk fan cold cocks me at Paul Brown Stadium? His own buddies confirm my story to stadium authorities, as they haul him away to sleep it off in whatever the hell county jail Cincinnati is located in. And hell, I was so forgiving and understanding of that dude, I refused to press charges against him, I let him walk.
My favorite driver of all time wrecks out in the single most horrifying incident I’ve ever seen?* Leads to my second favorite pic of all time (and sadly, I’ve lost it), of a drunken Stevo posing with him at the summer Indy race at Kansas less than nine months later**, and leads to him making an amazing, triumphant, final return to the place he owned in 1999 nine months after that, a slice of heaven known as the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
(*: sorry, but Paul Page's reaction NEVER gets old, three seconds in. WHOA! BIG CRASH! No sh*t Paul. No sh*t. Oh, and the cause of the wreck? (Norm MacDonald voice) You guessed it -- Frank Stallone. No wait -- I mean, you guessed it: Tomas "Crash" Scheckter. And yes, I re-link the clip in about 11 more pages, when we get to the moment, it was that horrific and memorable.)
(**: seriously, it’s the ultimate “yup, that’s Stevo” photograph, taken by “The Voice of Reason” almost ten years ago. Me – drunk, shirtless, completely incoherent, with a couple (yes, couple) of Coors Light bottles in hand … and Kenny Brack, sober, shirt on, not an adult beverage in sight, with a “this dude is not all there” look of amazement and horror. I really, really wish that phone hadn’t been lost – that pic was beyond priceless.)
Hell, even the scheduling Gods came through – not only did we get a Double Header Day … not only did the Royals somehow maintain a hold on first into early September … not only did the Chiefs win every game they played at home that year … the one “conflict” day, when NASCAR and the Chiefs started at the same time?
Was only the best, funnest, most amazing home game the Chiefs played, not just for that season, but arguably, ever* -- the outcome, the way the game ended, was so epically good.
(*: for the record, I’d rank it sixth, behind (at 5) Chiefs 37, donkeys 10, 1986 – jumpstarted the run to the playoffs for the first time in my life; (at 4) Chiefs 42, donkeys 20, 1992 – still my favorite game from the Marty years. And yes, Santa Claus could NOT save the denver broncos that day; (at 3) Chiefs 48, Dolphins 30, 2002 – I’ll always tear up, watching Trent Green pancake the Dolphins DB to spring Priest for his third TD of the day, and I’ll never forget how awesome seeing a boatload of streamers fly out of the upper deck in celebration was; (at 2) Chiefs 35, Jaguars 30, 2006 – you all truly have NO idea, just how much that game means to me to this day. It was (in hindsight) sadly the end of many eras … but if things had to end, what a way to go out! And (at 1) Chiefs 33, Bills 6, Monday, October 7, 1991. This isn’t even up for discussion, until and unless the AFC Championship Game is played at Arrowhead ... and even if that ever occurs, it’d better be an all time classic, because it’s gonna take the greatest game ever played, to bump (1) from its’ spot.)
And of course, 2003 also saw the arrival into my life -- for better or for worse -- of one of the best friends a dude could ever be lucky enough to have.
Here we go. The Decade That Was: 2003.
Please, try to contain your excitement.
Please, try to contain your excitement.
* Prior editions in this series that hasn't been updated in awhile:
* The year began with me, on the couch, toasting a not-yet Strokey Dick Clark with whatever adult beverages I had available. Shocking, I know.
* My birthday was eventful -- as your AFC East Champion New York (Fireman Ed voice) J! E! T! S! Jets Jets Jets! spanked peyton manning and the Colts 41-0 to open the NFL postseason ... and then Michael Vick's career reached its peak, with the Falcons stunning upset in Lambeau of the Packers.
* As noted in other posts on this site, 2002 was the year my gambling addiction came to a crashing ending. So how did I spend MLK Day weekend in 2003? Absolutely -- in Vegas. This was my first trip out there. I flew out at 6am on a Sunday, landed at McCarron at close to 10am, and spent the next three days gambling my rear end off with my uncle Bill. Let's just say, turning the two of us loose on Fremont Street, isn't the brightest idea in the world.
And yes, I am that one in a hundred person you'll meet, who would choose a week in downtown Vegas, over a week on the Strip. I love me some Golden Nugget.
* Got back on Wednesday and had planned to relax, rest up a little bit, try to recover ... only, Nick Collison delivered the performance of a generation against Texas that night, a 90-87 KU victory that literally moved Dick Vitale to offer a standing ovation from press row. The performance wound up looking even more amazing in hindsight, as both KU and UT would make it to New Orleans, and the Final Four. More on this later.
* I honestly don't remember anything major or impressive happening in February. I know, I know -- it's stunning that someone as hot as I am, had no girlfriend in sight.
* OK, ok, fine, that's an outright lie. February saw an addition to the family: Phogger! The little dog that could. I freaking loved that dog -- not as much as Priest, but man, there was something so calming and reassuring about stumbling to the fridge at 2:14am, needing a glass of water, and she'd be following you, then flop on the couch, lie on her back, all four paws straight up in the air, and you knew -- you just knew! -- you had a twenty minute tummy rub for her, about to go down.
(my original "special little girl". photo: unknown. God I miss the good old days sometimes ...)
* OK, ok, fine, that's an outright lie. February saw an addition to the family: Phogger! The little dog that could. I freaking loved that dog -- not as much as Priest, but man, there was something so calming and reassuring about stumbling to the fridge at 2:14am, needing a glass of water, and she'd be following you, then flop on the couch, lie on her back, all four paws straight up in the air, and you knew -- you just knew! -- you had a twenty minute tummy rub for her, about to go down.
(my original "special little girl". photo: unknown. God I miss the good old days sometimes ...)
* March, on the other hand ... yeah, lots going on in March.
For starters, as we're all aware, the United States launched its invasion of Iraq in the middle of the month. For the record, I supported the incursion, under the belief that even if there were no weapons of mass destruction, ridding the world, and specifically that region of the world, of a man who had killed over a million of his own people, was a good thing. I stand behind that opinion, even in hindsight.
If I remember right, the war began on a Tuesday. The next day, a Wednesday, was a typical day for most of the day. Until I left for home.
I got onto the on-ramp (now closed due to how dangerous it was) from Wyandotte onto westbound 670, a little after 5pm. It was a left lane merge, and you really didn't have room to do it, even at 2am on a typical Tuesday. I looked right, to see if I needed to slam on the breaks or make a dash for it, and I saw this blue Dodge minivan skating across three lanes of traffic under Bartle Hall. He took out the car on his left, which took out the one to her left ...
And meant I had two choices -- get plowed straight into, or turn into the coming wreck, and get hit from the side.
In the words of the late, great Randall Carlyle Wakefield: "I may be stupid, but I ain't that stupid!" I turned.
In the words of the late, great Randall Carlyle Wakefield: "I may be stupid, but I ain't that stupid!" I turned.
And thus, died the Corolla.
Let me state, for the record -- I've never felt pain like I did, when that airbag deployed. My arm was burned for three weeks. (Go figure, it was the arm / shoulder that I separated in college. That didn't feel too good either.)
Still, for as bad as the wreck was, it could have been worse -- noone was seriously hurt, the cops got there pretty quickly ... and then the idiot who caused the wreck, dropped a bomb on us.
He needed to call his son ... to bring his insurance papers.
Gulp.
Did dude actually have insurance? He just took out three cars, plus his own, and he doesn't have an insurance card on him in the glove box? Sure, right.
Half an hour later, dude's son showed up, and shockingly, he did have insurance, with Geico. So allow me to state this: I know a few friends who had a bad experience dealing with Geico.
I've rarely had better, more positive things to say about a company, than how Geico handled things.
I had my dad take me to Enterprise the next morning (Thursday) to get a rental. I needed one -- I had fun weekend plans awaiting (more on this to come). To Geico's credit, they paid for every cent of the rental, and tossed in insurance to boot. They had an adjuster look at my car that Thursday, declared it totaled virtually on the spot (it was -- to this day, I shiver in fear remembering what that car looked like when it was taken to the tow lot), and called me that night with a settlement offer.
I should probably note -- I had a good buddy, Jeremy, who I used to work with at Transamerica, who left for Farmers to be a claims adjuster. I emailed him that Thursday, laid out the details of the wreck, and the condition of the car (pre-wreck), and asked him what he'd offer as a fair market offer to settle the claim. He said he'd go as high as $6,500, but not much higher.
Geico's rep, on the phone that night, offered me his "best offer" ... of nearly $11,000.
Considering I only owed two more payments on that Corolla, that was unbelievable.
I bought the Grand Am to replace it, and paid cash, no payments. Sometimes, life works in mysterious ways, to make things better for ya. That definitely happened with that wreck. Although I do miss that car -- it's the best car I've ever owned.
* So Saturday, we load up the rental, and it's off to Oklahoma City, for the NCAA second round. KU was facing Arizona State, having somehow survived a last second shot to beat Utah State two days earlier, and OU was facing Cal in the early game. Let that sink in -- both KU and OU Nations are descending on Bricktown for a tournament game ... and it's the same cession. Good luck finding a ticket.
So I have to admit ... this? Was "The Voice of Reason"'s finest hour.
After nearly an hour of finding zero, zip, nada for sale (cops were policing the scalpers pretty good too, which didn't help), we split up to try to find just two tickets to get in the door. I managed to find a couple together way up in the third level -- face value (hang on, let me check the cigar box ...) of $55. I paid $300 for the two of them.
I finally make my way back to "Mr. Reason", as he was headed my way, with a state of stunned disbelief on his face.
And for good reason -- a KU booster had seen him trying to buy two tickets, and gave him two for the club level. For $0.00.
Are you sh*tting me! Club level for nothing? At the hardest ticket (up to that point) in the history of the city to come by?
We managed to unload the two I'd bought for $450 (paying for the whole trip), and then made our way to the gates.
And endured the wait of a lifetime. Keep in mind -- the Gulf War had just gotten underway. (US forces were attacking Baghdad that afternoon.) However ridiculous you may think the security at Arrowhead has gotten, it had NOTHING on Oklahoma City that afternoon. It took us a solid hour just to get to the metal detectors, and it's not like the Ford Center is a gigantic facility (it holds about 16,000).
* The games themselves were absolutely surreal. Nearly every TV in the club level, was tuned to CNN or FOX. The couple TV’s that were tuned into the tournament on CBS, CBS News kept interrupting at every commercial. There were two really great games going on – Arizona / Gonzaga (double overtime, and directly affected KU; Arizona was the one seed in the West, KU the two) and Mizzou / Marquette (which was in overtime, and ultimately affected KU as well), and nobody was paying attention.
“Survive and Advance”, the late, great Jim Valvano’s motto, definitely applied that day, as OU (the one seed in the East) gutted out a tough win over Cal, and KU survived Arizona State … although it was a much more comfortable win than the opener two nights earlier, when KU survived a last second three to hold on against Utah State.
* From there, KU headed to Anaheim, to take on Duke. In the interest of full disclosure, other than North Carolina, there’s no non-con I love more than when Duke and KU throw down. And this one more than lived up to the hype. KU held on yet again, to gut out a four point win over Duke. So far, they’ve won by three (Utah State), blowout (Arizona State), and 4 (Duke). And it’s about to get worse: Arizona was up next, on Saturday night.
And somehow, that game was the closest one of the amazing run to New Orleans, as KU won by three, thanks to a furious comeback and a game for the ages from Nick Collison, who absolutely owned the paint and the glass.
* You're damned right me and The Voice of Reason drove to Lawrence for a 2:15am arrival time at the Field House, for that team. And could barely get in the door, so many fans showed up.
* Look it, my favorite KU team (non-championship) is the 2002 squad. That run to the Final Four, the first in a decade, was so epically satisfying. That drive to St. Louis for the second rounder against Stanford, I can honestly say, is the most stressful drive for a sporting event I’ve ever made. I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that team could beat Stanford, and most KU fans felt the same way. Coming out as they did, dropping three 3’s on them in the first 90 seconds en route to a 15-0 opening 90 seconds, is probably as rewarding a moment KU has ever given me.
But the funnest game? Had to be the first one in New Orleans, in the 2003 Final Four. The Voice of Reason put it best: there’s something surreal about sitting at a KU game, in the Final Four, looking at the scoreboard at halftime, seeing you’re up by 35, knowing there’s nothing Marquette can do to rally, and just getting to take it all in for the entire second half.
* So it totally figures that the last game of the season, as KU prepares to play for their first national title in fifteen years, the culmination of everything Roy built in the early 2000s, the climax of the Boschee / Hinrich / Collison / Gooden / Langford teams … is against the only other school I root for, Syracuse. And somehow, it figures, that KU played its worst game of that era – Collison couldn’t hit a shot, and fouled out with twelve minutes to go. And somehow, someway, that KU team never gave up. Mikey Lee started hitting every three he shot. Aaron Miles absolutely obliterated Gerry McNamara – what Hinrich couldn’t defend in the first half, Miles completely controlled in the second. Wayne Simien managed to at least slow down Carmelo Anthony in the paint. And KU crawled back to 81-78, with the ball, with 6 seconds to play.
Then Hakim Warrick happened, an epic block on Mikey Lee’s desperation three (he was open, gotta give Warrick huge credit for somehow getting there), and Roy was telling everyone he “didn’t give a sh*t” about Carolina … and, well, there’s a reason why yesterday’s second half at Sprint Centre meant something to a lot of folks, myself included.
* I went off on KU’s run there, so let me back up to three weeks prior, because I’m pretty sure I forgot something, a life-altering event. Let’s see. Covered the Corolla getting totaled. Covered the unexpectedly high settlement for it. Covered the KU run to the National Title Game. Hmm. It’s March, so there’s nothing involving the Chiefs, or really the Royals yet, to remember. Hmm. Oh. Yeah.
Josh happened.
The day after my car got destroyed, my boss Leif* comes up to me, and asks if I can spare ten minutes before I left for the weekend. I was like “sure, no problem”. So he hauls me into the small conference room that our reinsurance admin project** was consuming, and this is the conversation as best I recall it:
(leif) so I have some news for you.
(stevo) ok.
(leif) I hired a new person for the accounting group!
(stevo) ok.
(leif) and I’ve decided to move you to the claims area!
(stevo) ok.
(leif) this way, instead of doing both jobs, you can focus on one going forward. And yeah, it was cheaper to hire a new accounting person instead of trying to find someone with claims expertise, so this is how I decided to handle it.
(stevo) ok.
(leif) So over the weekend, I’ll need you to start documenting everything you do, so that you can start training this guy on Monday.
(stevo) Leif, that isn’t happening. I’m going to Oklahoma City for the KU game, and even if I wasn’t going out of town, there isn’t a chance in hell I can document all the manual stuff I do, in a couple days.
(leif) But we really need something for him on Monday.
(stevo) (sighing with disgust) Fine. I can take the laptop and work on the drive down and back.
(leif) thanks!
What a guy, huh? What a great guy to work for! Oy.
(*: when / if I get to the 2004 look back, he will feature prominently in the story.)
(**: I do not miss that project in any way, shape, or form. Three years of my life in a conference room, when I was the least qualified person in accounting to be on the project, because neither of my co-workers could stomach the production representative on the committee. Also, given how over budget on both time and cost this thing wound up going, I always thought it was appropriate that the initial name of the project was the Ceded Reinsurance Administration Project, or CRAP.)
* So I get in on Monday, and late in the day (apparently Leif forgot about this thing called “orientation” on your first day. What a dumb f*ck.), Leif brings Josh around. The second I saw him, I cringed. I knew this guy – he was in my brother’s class growing up, and neither my brother nor I were a fan of the guy.
But being the nice, friendly, genial person I am*, I decide to give the guy a chance, and truth be told, he’s a likeable guy. He’s just a f*cking idiot with a drug problem. (At least he had one back then; I hope, for his sake, he’s cleaned up in the ten years since. But I wouldn’t bet that $3.27 of future earnings, on that happening.)
(*: this is true -- I am a nice guy! You do right by me? You'll never regret meeting me! You don't? You'll view the day you met me, as the worst day of your life. Ask Leif.)
I go easy on the guy at first; he is starting right before month end and quarter end close, so I start with the trivial stuff I had to do every day, that wasn’t hard to learn, but would free me up to focus on the important stuff. Let’s just say, from the very start, I knew this wasn’t going to work.
For starters, the guy was clueless about debits and credits. That’s not a good thing if you are employed as an accountant. (It’s even worse since reinsurance accounting is backwards from typical accounting.) He messed up deposits. I mean, Jesus, who doesn’t know how to fill out a deposit slip? That guy, apparently.
He called in “sick” on day three. Which is ok – if you’re genuinely ill, probably a good idea not to come in. Unfortunately for Josh, I met my brother at Ameristar after work for dinner and a little bit of gambling … and there’s Josh, at a blackjack table, looking perfectly healthy.
He had this girlfriend, and readers, here’s the surest sign this guy wasn’t all there: she beat the crap out of him. No, really – she beat him. She verbally abused him. You ask, “well how do you know this, Stevo?” The answer? He lived above another guy in our company, and one day, me and my boss were running out of patience with the guy, and after work at P Otts, somehow we put two and two together, figured out Josh lived above him, and started plying the guy for info about Josh.
But the unforgiveable sin – more than getting high on company time (check), more than plowing through all 22 PTO days you’re given for the year in less than four months (check), more than forging your timecard since you have no PTO to use anymore (check), even more than the fact that he was a grade A moron, the unforgiveable sin happened on July 2nd. My boss from accounting comes up to me (now in the claims area! No raise, no promotion, job hired out from under me for a f*cking idiot, and I lost my pimp window seat in the southeast corner to boot for a spot 30 feet from a window, but hey -- I’m a happy, motivated employee!), and the conversation:
(mary) hey, you got a free minute?
(stevo) sure, what’s up?
(mary) well, Josh swears he understands the variable pool accounting process, but I don’t have time to check his work. Can you spot check a few of the pools for me?
(stevo) sure.
(mary) thanks. I know you know how they should look, and if you’ll just pick a couple that gave you the most problems, I’d really appreciate it.
(stevo) no problem.
So, I pick five of them, and three of them should have been extremely easy for him to do, if he followed my procedures I typed for him. The other two, were difficult even if you knew what you were doing.
He screwed up all five. And I don’t mean, screwed up like “wrong linked cell” or “forgot to input some data”, or some other simple fix. Oh no. I mean, he had numbers literally grabbed out of thin air. There was one pool, a joint second to die pool, that had only 8 active policies, that paid on a YRT basis (meaning, once a year). Somehow, he had us paying out nearly $560,000 on a pool, that in its complete and total history, 1995 to present (which would have been June 2003), hadn't even paid out $56,000. That's how screwed up his effort(s) were.
Of course, it being July 2nd, he was nowhere to be found to "redo his work" -- he'd already hightailed it out of town to the lake. So yes ... Mary and I literally worked all night long, to redo over 90 -- 90! -- separate spreadsheets*, rerun all the Access files, literally do an ENTIRE F*CKING QUARTER'S worth of accounting, overnight. When Stan (our department boss) got in the next morning, he took one look at us, and I think he knew -- we'd reached our breaking point. We were beyond broken.
And if he had any doubts, Mary sealed the deal when he wandered over to wonder why we were there so early:
(mary) you have a meeting request from each of us.
(stan) oh?
(mary) today. 10am. I strongly suggest you accept them.
(stan) (genuinely confused) them?
(stevo) we're both going to unload on you, one at a time, for this bullsh*t.
(mary) what are we wearing, Stanley?
(stan) (it hits him we haven't been home yet)
(stan) (now he's p*ssed) are you kidding me?!?!
(stevo) Stan, have you EVER known me to show up before 7am on any day other than month end?
(stan) no.
(mary) me at 10, Steve at 11. It will not be pretty.
And it wasn't ... because while we'd been working all night long to redo three month's worth of accounting, we'd also been writing down bullet points that we were going to hit, one at a time**, about how screwed up and beyond redemption this situation had become.
Breaking point.
(*: each variable pool spreadsheet had 23 -- 23! -- tabs the final figure was calculated off of. 23 tabs x 3 months x 90 plus pools = a very angry Stevo.)
(**: to this day, I still have mine. (joe biden voice) Folks! It was 22 hand-written pages on a legal pad! 22! That's a big f*cking amount!)
* Let's jump back a little bit, before we get back to Josh, since in cramming all of his bullsh*t into one neat little narrative, I pretty much skipped April through early July, and a lot happened in that stretch too.
* The Royals got off to the best start in club history, opening 9-0, improving to 17-4 entering May, just an unreal, surreal start that nobody saw coming. And that, predictably, didn't last, as the slide started in early May in Toronto, and hit it's floor on a Thursday in early June, when the Royals started Albie Lopez in a game against the Twins*. Mr. Lopez' release was announced in the stadium before the game was over. Yup, the Royals cut a player during a game, they were so p*ssed at his performance. I know hindsight is 20/20 ... but that decision -- to cut a player during a game -- was (allard baird voice) without question -- without question! -- the best decision of Mr. Baird's failed tenure.
(*: I went to this game with my buddy Anthony. To his credit, he called the "release before the game is over". I figured we'd at least wait for the postgame presser.)
Come Father's Day, the ship had stabilized somewhat -- the Royals were 32-32, hosting the Giants, and taking a flyer on a 30 something year old pitcher from the Newark Bears Independent League team to somehow hold the rotation together, some dude named ... Jose Lima.
To this day ... that game is my favorite Royals game I've ever attended. It was me, my dad, my brother, and my late buddy James. Barry Bonds hit one off the roof of the old concession stand in right field GA. Jose Lima started one of the great out-of-nowhere runs in franchise history. Joe Randa won it with a two run double in the bottom of the ninth off Robb Nen. (The Giants were the defending National League champions.) And the march to respectability had begun -- by the time the All Star Game occurred four weeks later, the Royals were 7 1/2 games clear of the field in the AL Central.
* Easter weekend, The Voice of Reason and I spent the weekend planting the azaleas that welcomed you to our old place on 53rd Terrace, and that Sunday, honestly? Was a great day. We noticed some dark clouds to the north, over by the Speedway, but didn't think anything of it. Hard at work, getting the place fixed up, and come about 6pm, we headed in, thoroughly exhausted.
And had a solid five or six answering machine messages from friends and family, scared to death we'd been caught up in the F4 twister that hit the Speedway area a couple miles from us. I swear to God guys, and The Voice of Reason will back me up on this: we never once had a fear about anything. Hell, the sun was shining where we were planting. Weirdest weather event of the year? Uuh, not quite. There's still the weekend from rain-deluged hell, to get through come early September.
* It's not officially summer until the last weekend in May brings about my favorite race (and usual road trip) to the most sacred sporting facility on Planet Earth, a run-down track stretching the length of Georgetown, from turn one at 16th Street, to the North Forty and Coke lots at 30th. The 2003 Indy 500 is memorable for, quite honestly, only one thing: it was the essential bottoming out of the split era, as not only did the race fail to sell out for the first time in decades, but all the major teams had bolted CART for the IRL. Four years earlier, when Target / Chip Ganassi racing made the return to Indy, it was news. Now, Penske, Ganassi, Rahal-Letterman, Andretti Green -- all the major names of the sport, had moved to the IRL full time. Why it took six more years of mutual destruction to end the stupidest sports split in history, I have no idea, other than Tony George's ego and arrogance is that f*cking huge.
Oh -- Gil de Ferren, one of the most underrated open wheel drivers of the last twenty years, won the race, giving Penske three straight at the Brickyard.
And this happened too. Frighteningly enough folks -- this isn't even close to the worst IRL crash of 2003 that involved Kenny Brack, who in the interest of full disclosure, is my favorite driver of all time (and your 1999 Indy 500 champion). We'll get to that, once we reach October.
* Two weeks after Indy, my buddy Jasson got married. Remembered well for two things: (1) it was hotter than hell itself, and (go figure) it was an outdoor wedding. Genius! (2) The reception. Setting aside all kinds of ridiculousness that went down ... Jasson was dumb enough to make me and "The Voice of Reason" the bartenders! I mean, I get that you're a cop buddy, and popping folks for DUI is good for the bottom line of the city ... but my God! Letting me make people's cocktails, isbordering on reckless endangerment! We all know I make every cocktail "Steve-style", which means that even accounting for melting ice, every libation is at least 50% alcohol in nature! People do weird, unexplainable things when they're in love, I guess. Because putting me in charge of a bar, is borderline criminal negligence.
* OK, I think we're just about caught up. We're at least to early July on all fronts, so let's plow along.
* After our "you'll sit there and take it!" meetings with Stan, something had to give. But still, Leif wouldn't fire Josh. To do so, would be to acknowledge he screwed up, and his arrogance and ego wouldn't let him do that. So for another THREE WEEKS, we tolerated the incompetence, the outright incompetence*, this kid brought to the table.
And then, we reached "Breaking Point Numero Dos".
(*: forgot to mention earlier, there was a day, when Josh showed up (and those were few and far between), wearing sunglasses. He refused to take them off. Finally I was like, "look it, you can't see the monitor well with those on. I get that you're baked. Christ, it's not like I haven't been high in my life, or even on this job for that matter. But you gotta at least try to focus!" So he takes the glasses off, and he has a shiner the size of the bottom of a can of beer on his left eye. His excuse? "I walked into a tree". No, really -- that was his excuse. "I walked into a tree". Incredibly enough (since this was before we knew his girl smacked him around) ... I bought it. I believed him. The lesson? As always, I am the dumbest, most gullible son of a b*tch in the room.)
After his latest "disappear for a couple days" routine, Mary and I start doing the math (as once again, I'm doing both my "new" job in claims, and my "old" job in accounting. Leif was eight degrees of awful, and I hope I never see that son of a b*tch again. But this? Hiring Josh? This was his worst decision, in a 22 hand-written pages bullet point listing, of bad decisions.)
And we realize ... there's no way he hasn't burned through all his PTO. Which is how we brought him down.
Because the idiot -- and yes, the only way this can be described is "idiotic" -- the idiot hung his timesheet up in his cubicle! Not the "filling it out as I go" timesheet -- the actual submitted timesheet, printed out off whatever our intranet site was! He'd smartly (knowing Mary and I were gunning for him; we weren't even pretending to be doing anything but, at this point) thrown those things away.
In the department recycle bin.
You're damned right I went dumpster diving. Armed with the evidence, we bypassed management, went to HR directly, and made the case for termination.
Which led to one of the funniest scenes I have ever seen, come 3:25ish on Monday, July 25th:
(stevo's email) (notifies me I have a new message)
(stevo) (opens his email)
(mary's email to stevo) get over here! Now! It's going down!
So I casually walk a couple aisles over, and there is Josh, clearing up the stuff he can carry; Leif, standing there looking like he just lost a loved one; and Mary, with a huge beaming smile on her face. I stand next to Mary, and this goes down:
(leif) guys, don't gloat.
(stevo) Leif, you hired my job out from under me, for this unqualified jackass. You have literally wasted the last five months of my life, because you can't stand me*. And it's all blown up in your face. I'm going to enjoy this sh*t for all it's worth, and don't you DARE try to stop me!
(mary) what he said.
So Leif had to escort Josh out the door, and our long, four month long departmental nightmare, was finally over.
(*: that man hated me with a passion. The feeling, as you can tell, was quite mutual.)
* So Josh's termination meant I was officially back to doing two jobs for awhile. So be it. But his termination, along with a few other personnel turnovers, meant we had some openings. And not even two weeks after Josh was shown the door, I am coming back from a late lunch*, and as I head down the main aisle (if you ever stepped foot in our old department at Transamerica, you'll understand the logistics), I see Stan has a guy in his office that he's interviewing. I'd seen the dude around -- he was friends with my buddy Brett over in claims, and I thought he worked in claims, but I didn't know him from some random guy on the street.
So I make my way back to my desk (I got my old corner office spot back as "thanks" for what Josh's hiring -- and firing -- meant), walk past Mary's desk, and start to sit down and get back to work, when Mary comes around the corner. This ... almost never happened. Either I had to walk her way (a whole, at most, 8 steps), or she'd start tossing things over the wall to get my attention and make me stand up to talk. She never -- never! -- headed my way. This time, she did, for this conversation:
(mary) did you see him?
(stevo) see who?
(mary) the kid* in Stan's office!
(stevo) I saw there was someone in there, but didn't really pay much attention.
(mary) what? How could you not notice him?
(stevo) why?
(mary) because he's so good looking!
(stevo) oh Jesus.
Mary had a thing about wanting the department to, uuh, only hire "good looking dudes". So, of course, when the interview's over, she makes me follow the guy out, to "check him out" (her words, not mine). It's the first, and I believe only, time in my life, I've ever been a stalker.
So, finding out nothing -- stunning, I know -- I head back upstairs, and she's already grilled Stan about this guy. She tells me that "I told Stanley he has to hire him!" After cracking a joke in response about how "I guess I'm not the hottest guy in the department anymore"**, she tells me what Stan told her about him: that he was working over in claims, was looking for something more stable / permanent ...
And his name was Dustin.
Or "Dunston", as she always called him.
(*: and now you know, why I call him, "The Kid".)
(**: she had a great one-liner comeback: "honey, you haven't been the hottest guy in this department since Justin showed up three years ago!" Yeah, I miss that place sometimes.)
* I'd better start picking up the pace; we're barely in August.
* And August gave us "Double Header Day II"!!!
* Labor Day weekend ... (peter griffin voice) I've had better days, Lois. I've had better days. Friday opens with me meeting a few friends and co-workers at The Quaff after work. I can honestly say, I have never, and I mean never, been drunker in public in Kansas City, than I was that afternoon. I fell down twice walking to the bathroom. Ugly. And in true Stevo fashion, I made the decision while laying on the floor, that it was time to go home. So I just left, somehow found my car, and somehow made it home. (Note: I am NOT condoning that decision, in any way, shape, or form. It's amongst the top 734 stupidest things, I've ever done in my life. And yes, the fact that I can only count 734 things in my life as being completely stupid ... seems ridiculously low.)
That decision was memorable, only because all of my friends dropped the "you let him leave?!?!" line at poor Phil ... and the waitress was amongst those dropping the line.
Later that night ... the rain started rolling in. One vicious storm. Knocked out the power on our side of 53rd Terrace (and neighbors wound up running extension cords across the street, from our side on the north, to their side on the south, to try to salvage something, anything, of what was in our fridges and freezers.) Come about 10pm that night, we decided to make a run to the Wal-Mart for ... well, only God knows why. (For the peanut gallery, the answer is not just "yes", it's "hell yes".) That? Was THE scariest car ride of my life. We barely made it halfway there (a trip of maybe four miles) before reaching the "f*ck it, we're going home!" moment of terror. The storm was that bad.
Saturday, The Voice of Reason, his sister, and I headed up to Lawrence for the KU season (and home) opener against Northwestern. It'd been overcast and drizzly all day, nothing like the day before, but still miserable. Come mid-second quarter, it went from "mildly annoying rain" to "full on monsoon conditions". I mean, it poured like a mother. (But you stayed for the whole game?) Hell yes we did. (KU lost 28-20, but failed to convert a 4th and goal as time expired.) On the bright side, somehow none of us wound up sick as could be from standing in three straight hours of pouring down rain ... and KU somehow overcame the loss, to make its' first bowl game in nearly a decade (losing in the Champs Sports Bowl to NC State).
Sunday, it was still pouring down rain, so I did what any reasonable person would do: I went to the casino. I should probably note, I did not have a cell phone yet at that time. I hated those things back then (and quite frankly, still do in many regards. Sometimes, you just wanna get away from it all, and those things make it impossible.) But, given where I lived at the time (western Shawnee), I was only a couple minutes from my grandma's, so if she ever needed anything (her health was starting to slip), I'd be the one either she'd call, or my folks would call. She had a bad fall that day, and with that, my folks forced me to enter the mid 1980s, and get a cell phone. (But grandma was ok, right?) Of course she was. She still had another fourteen months in her.
* A couple days later, the Royals made their last gasp stand, a Thursday make-up day game against the Arizona Diamondbacks. It's amongst the most painful defeats I've ever attended. KC trailed 3-2 entering the bottom of the ninth. Carlos Beltran walked to open the inning. Stole second base. Stole third base. And scored on a sacrifice fly, to force extra innings (where the Royals ultimately lost). The loss dropped them a week's worth of games behind the Twins, with only three weeks to play. Still, by far and away, the 2003 season was the best Royals season of the last twenty years. And in that last sentence, is all any person needs to know, about how awful this team has been.
* The Chiefs opened play by pounding the Chargers in the opener, then demolishing the Steelers, and winning by four touchdowns in Houston, to set up a battle of 3-0 teams in Baltimore to close down September. After escaping with a 17-10 win via a late Dante Hall kickoff return for a touchdown, it was set up to open October.
4-0 denver ... at 4-0 Kansas City.
There are games you look forward to, simply because. There are games you look forward to, because the hype is great, and you buy into it. There are games you look forward to, because you get caught up in it, and just give in to emotion. This game, was all of those things.
But every once in awhile ... a game lives up to the hype, the potential, the promise.
This one ... there is noone in Arrowhead Nation, who will EVER, forget this one.
Chiefs 24, donkeys 23, on the most unbelievable punt return in NFL history, a 97 yard, "holy f*cking sh*t!", Dante Hall literally eluding all 11 My Little Ponies, on the return, without the benefit of blockers (but ... sigh ... yes, with a few illegal blocks in the back, to spring him).
That play -- as amazing and incredible as it was -- was Dante Hall's 7th return for a touchdown in 10 games. (Pause). And it was the first one I witnessed.
Every other one -- and yes, this became a running gag -- every other return, I was in the bathroom, and missed it, whether at home, or at Arrowhead. It got to the point (namely, the watching party we had for the Ravens game), when I was ordered to go to the bathroom, to make magic happen. (Somehow, I swear that last sentence makes sense.)
In the words of Paul Wilson from "Cheers" fame, from the series finale: "This? I am here for!"
* The following week saw two unbelievable moments. First, the Chiefs, trailing by 17 with 8:03 to play at Lambeau, won in overtime, 40-34, over the Packers.
And secondly, my favorite driver of all time, damned near died on the track at Texas. I was 100% convinced I'd just seen my favorite driver die. I mean, watch the clip! Even Paul Page is moved to emotion, and usually, Scott Goodyear had to poke that guy awake, back in the day!
* The Chiefs eventually got to 9-0 ... and then, the roadie at Cincinnati happened. You can read the belated recap of the weekend here.
* Come mid-November (namely, right after that trip to Cincy), work reared its' ugly head again. As the admin system project neared its' conclusion, we got to work "mandatory overtime". Go figure -- Leif didn't show up for any of it, because after all: once an ass of a manager, always an ass of a manager*. But, we did get yet another fun "Leif hire that blew up in his face" moment: Dennis!
(30 for 30 voice) What if I told you ... that there was an employee ... who literally had a television on his cubicle desk? Who literally spent all day watching trashy talk shows, instead of working? And what if I told you his manager was so obtuse, so inattentive, cared so little about what actually went on in his department, that said employee went undiscovered for nearly four months, with said television on desk? And what if I told you the hatred for Leif was so intense, that us employees let Dennis get away with said television, because that's how little respect we had for our boss?
Well, that happened, with a racial epiteth meltdown at The Quaff one night after work to boot. Believe it or not, folks -- I actually loved my six plus years in that department. Just not the six plus month stretch to close out 2003.
(*: most people on this site, I will treat with at least a modicum of respect, and/or give a nickname, to hide the guilt. Leif? Can kiss my ass in hell. I've never hated anyone like I hate that man. (joe biden voice) Folks! He feels nothing but hate for Leif! A three letter word: hate!)
* Oh, yeah -- I also had to blow off a "mandatory overtime" Saturday, to take a weekend roadie away with The Voice of Reason for the Chiefs / Vikings game in Minneapolis. Readers? What we've experienced here in KC the last six weeks? Is like a every other day occurance, in Minneapolis. I will never, and I mean never, forget walking through 11 inches of snow that had fallen during the game, to get back to the car.
* Forgot to mention, the week before, the Chiefs clinched the AFC West for the first time in six years, by pounding the Lions on the morning US forces captured Saddam Hussein. Still the most unreal tailgate, I've ever attended. (The story is in there, you just have to read for awhile, to get to it.)
* And also forgot to mention, the gambling moment of a lifetime, when I bet damned near everyone I knew, and their brother, that Kansas State would upset Oklahoma in the Big XII title game. A few folks at work, I didn't even have to win straight up (although I was willing to take that bet); they gave me the points. I won nearly $400 from co-workers who didn't believe in that Wildcats team. I did. Fun times!
* And the truly funniest moment of December. We did our "Secret Santa" deal as a department, where we drew one person that we were to give a minor gift ($10 limit) to every day for a week (if you chose to participate). I drew a guy I, quite honestly, didn't know, didn't care to know, but hey, he's here, so let's do this. If you worked with me at TA, you know which Tim I drew, and it wasn't the quiet, decent dude who worked in our claims area that I still consider to be a friend. I drew the Tim in our department who literally drank at his desk. No, that's not a joke -- he literally made Irish Coffee from the moment he walked in the door, until he left to go home.
So me, being both the awesomely nice dude I am, as well as being the laziest SOB to walk the planet, I approached him on Monday of Secret Santa Week, and this was our conversation:
(stevo) hey.
(tim) hello.
(stevo) so I'm not gonna lie; I'm your Secret Santa.
(tim) ok.
(stevo) and I have no idea what to get you, but ...
(tim) I smoke Winston's; I drink Seagram's.
(stevo) VO or straight 7?
(tim) surprise me.
So yes, my "gift" to my Secret Santa recipient every day for a week, was a pack of Winston's, and a pint of Seagram's. Go figure -- he never complained.
* The year ended ... well hell, we all know how it ended: me, a couch, a cold one, and (pre-strokey) Dick Clark. And that ushered in arguably the most difficult year of my life, 2004.
I can promise you, 2004 will be the LAST year of "The Decade That Was", to get a recap ...
* The games themselves were absolutely surreal. Nearly every TV in the club level, was tuned to CNN or FOX. The couple TV’s that were tuned into the tournament on CBS, CBS News kept interrupting at every commercial. There were two really great games going on – Arizona / Gonzaga (double overtime, and directly affected KU; Arizona was the one seed in the West, KU the two) and Mizzou / Marquette (which was in overtime, and ultimately affected KU as well), and nobody was paying attention.
“Survive and Advance”, the late, great Jim Valvano’s motto, definitely applied that day, as OU (the one seed in the East) gutted out a tough win over Cal, and KU survived Arizona State … although it was a much more comfortable win than the opener two nights earlier, when KU survived a last second three to hold on against Utah State.
* From there, KU headed to Anaheim, to take on Duke. In the interest of full disclosure, other than North Carolina, there’s no non-con I love more than when Duke and KU throw down. And this one more than lived up to the hype. KU held on yet again, to gut out a four point win over Duke. So far, they’ve won by three (Utah State), blowout (Arizona State), and 4 (Duke). And it’s about to get worse: Arizona was up next, on Saturday night.
And somehow, that game was the closest one of the amazing run to New Orleans, as KU won by three, thanks to a furious comeback and a game for the ages from Nick Collison, who absolutely owned the paint and the glass.
* You're damned right me and The Voice of Reason drove to Lawrence for a 2:15am arrival time at the Field House, for that team. And could barely get in the door, so many fans showed up.
* Look it, my favorite KU team (non-championship) is the 2002 squad. That run to the Final Four, the first in a decade, was so epically satisfying. That drive to St. Louis for the second rounder against Stanford, I can honestly say, is the most stressful drive for a sporting event I’ve ever made. I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that team could beat Stanford, and most KU fans felt the same way. Coming out as they did, dropping three 3’s on them in the first 90 seconds en route to a 15-0 opening 90 seconds, is probably as rewarding a moment KU has ever given me.
But the funnest game? Had to be the first one in New Orleans, in the 2003 Final Four. The Voice of Reason put it best: there’s something surreal about sitting at a KU game, in the Final Four, looking at the scoreboard at halftime, seeing you’re up by 35, knowing there’s nothing Marquette can do to rally, and just getting to take it all in for the entire second half.
* So it totally figures that the last game of the season, as KU prepares to play for their first national title in fifteen years, the culmination of everything Roy built in the early 2000s, the climax of the Boschee / Hinrich / Collison / Gooden / Langford teams … is against the only other school I root for, Syracuse. And somehow, it figures, that KU played its worst game of that era – Collison couldn’t hit a shot, and fouled out with twelve minutes to go. And somehow, someway, that KU team never gave up. Mikey Lee started hitting every three he shot. Aaron Miles absolutely obliterated Gerry McNamara – what Hinrich couldn’t defend in the first half, Miles completely controlled in the second. Wayne Simien managed to at least slow down Carmelo Anthony in the paint. And KU crawled back to 81-78, with the ball, with 6 seconds to play.
Then Hakim Warrick happened, an epic block on Mikey Lee’s desperation three (he was open, gotta give Warrick huge credit for somehow getting there), and Roy was telling everyone he “didn’t give a sh*t” about Carolina … and, well, there’s a reason why yesterday’s second half at Sprint Centre meant something to a lot of folks, myself included.
* I went off on KU’s run there, so let me back up to three weeks prior, because I’m pretty sure I forgot something, a life-altering event. Let’s see. Covered the Corolla getting totaled. Covered the unexpectedly high settlement for it. Covered the KU run to the National Title Game. Hmm. It’s March, so there’s nothing involving the Chiefs, or really the Royals yet, to remember. Hmm. Oh. Yeah.
Josh happened.
The day after my car got destroyed, my boss Leif* comes up to me, and asks if I can spare ten minutes before I left for the weekend. I was like “sure, no problem”. So he hauls me into the small conference room that our reinsurance admin project** was consuming, and this is the conversation as best I recall it:
(leif) so I have some news for you.
(stevo) ok.
(leif) I hired a new person for the accounting group!
(stevo) ok.
(leif) and I’ve decided to move you to the claims area!
(stevo) ok.
(leif) this way, instead of doing both jobs, you can focus on one going forward. And yeah, it was cheaper to hire a new accounting person instead of trying to find someone with claims expertise, so this is how I decided to handle it.
(stevo) ok.
(leif) So over the weekend, I’ll need you to start documenting everything you do, so that you can start training this guy on Monday.
(stevo) Leif, that isn’t happening. I’m going to Oklahoma City for the KU game, and even if I wasn’t going out of town, there isn’t a chance in hell I can document all the manual stuff I do, in a couple days.
(leif) But we really need something for him on Monday.
(stevo) (sighing with disgust) Fine. I can take the laptop and work on the drive down and back.
(leif) thanks!
What a guy, huh? What a great guy to work for! Oy.
(*: when / if I get to the 2004 look back, he will feature prominently in the story.)
(**: I do not miss that project in any way, shape, or form. Three years of my life in a conference room, when I was the least qualified person in accounting to be on the project, because neither of my co-workers could stomach the production representative on the committee. Also, given how over budget on both time and cost this thing wound up going, I always thought it was appropriate that the initial name of the project was the Ceded Reinsurance Administration Project, or CRAP.)
* So I get in on Monday, and late in the day (apparently Leif forgot about this thing called “orientation” on your first day. What a dumb f*ck.), Leif brings Josh around. The second I saw him, I cringed. I knew this guy – he was in my brother’s class growing up, and neither my brother nor I were a fan of the guy.
But being the nice, friendly, genial person I am*, I decide to give the guy a chance, and truth be told, he’s a likeable guy. He’s just a f*cking idiot with a drug problem. (At least he had one back then; I hope, for his sake, he’s cleaned up in the ten years since. But I wouldn’t bet that $3.27 of future earnings, on that happening.)
(*: this is true -- I am a nice guy! You do right by me? You'll never regret meeting me! You don't? You'll view the day you met me, as the worst day of your life. Ask Leif.)
I go easy on the guy at first; he is starting right before month end and quarter end close, so I start with the trivial stuff I had to do every day, that wasn’t hard to learn, but would free me up to focus on the important stuff. Let’s just say, from the very start, I knew this wasn’t going to work.
For starters, the guy was clueless about debits and credits. That’s not a good thing if you are employed as an accountant. (It’s even worse since reinsurance accounting is backwards from typical accounting.) He messed up deposits. I mean, Jesus, who doesn’t know how to fill out a deposit slip? That guy, apparently.
He called in “sick” on day three. Which is ok – if you’re genuinely ill, probably a good idea not to come in. Unfortunately for Josh, I met my brother at Ameristar after work for dinner and a little bit of gambling … and there’s Josh, at a blackjack table, looking perfectly healthy.
He had this girlfriend, and readers, here’s the surest sign this guy wasn’t all there: she beat the crap out of him. No, really – she beat him. She verbally abused him. You ask, “well how do you know this, Stevo?” The answer? He lived above another guy in our company, and one day, me and my boss were running out of patience with the guy, and after work at P Otts, somehow we put two and two together, figured out Josh lived above him, and started plying the guy for info about Josh.
But the unforgiveable sin – more than getting high on company time (check), more than plowing through all 22 PTO days you’re given for the year in less than four months (check), more than forging your timecard since you have no PTO to use anymore (check), even more than the fact that he was a grade A moron, the unforgiveable sin happened on July 2nd. My boss from accounting comes up to me (now in the claims area! No raise, no promotion, job hired out from under me for a f*cking idiot, and I lost my pimp window seat in the southeast corner to boot for a spot 30 feet from a window, but hey -- I’m a happy, motivated employee!), and the conversation:
(mary) hey, you got a free minute?
(stevo) sure, what’s up?
(mary) well, Josh swears he understands the variable pool accounting process, but I don’t have time to check his work. Can you spot check a few of the pools for me?
(stevo) sure.
(mary) thanks. I know you know how they should look, and if you’ll just pick a couple that gave you the most problems, I’d really appreciate it.
(stevo) no problem.
So, I pick five of them, and three of them should have been extremely easy for him to do, if he followed my procedures I typed for him. The other two, were difficult even if you knew what you were doing.
He screwed up all five. And I don’t mean, screwed up like “wrong linked cell” or “forgot to input some data”, or some other simple fix. Oh no. I mean, he had numbers literally grabbed out of thin air. There was one pool, a joint second to die pool, that had only 8 active policies, that paid on a YRT basis (meaning, once a year). Somehow, he had us paying out nearly $560,000 on a pool, that in its complete and total history, 1995 to present (which would have been June 2003), hadn't even paid out $56,000. That's how screwed up his effort(s) were.
Of course, it being July 2nd, he was nowhere to be found to "redo his work" -- he'd already hightailed it out of town to the lake. So yes ... Mary and I literally worked all night long, to redo over 90 -- 90! -- separate spreadsheets*, rerun all the Access files, literally do an ENTIRE F*CKING QUARTER'S worth of accounting, overnight. When Stan (our department boss) got in the next morning, he took one look at us, and I think he knew -- we'd reached our breaking point. We were beyond broken.
And if he had any doubts, Mary sealed the deal when he wandered over to wonder why we were there so early:
(mary) you have a meeting request from each of us.
(stan) oh?
(mary) today. 10am. I strongly suggest you accept them.
(stan) (genuinely confused) them?
(stevo) we're both going to unload on you, one at a time, for this bullsh*t.
(mary) what are we wearing, Stanley?
(stan) (it hits him we haven't been home yet)
(stan) (now he's p*ssed) are you kidding me?!?!
(stevo) Stan, have you EVER known me to show up before 7am on any day other than month end?
(stan) no.
(mary) me at 10, Steve at 11. It will not be pretty.
And it wasn't ... because while we'd been working all night long to redo three month's worth of accounting, we'd also been writing down bullet points that we were going to hit, one at a time**, about how screwed up and beyond redemption this situation had become.
Breaking point.
(*: each variable pool spreadsheet had 23 -- 23! -- tabs the final figure was calculated off of. 23 tabs x 3 months x 90 plus pools = a very angry Stevo.)
(**: to this day, I still have mine. (joe biden voice) Folks! It was 22 hand-written pages on a legal pad! 22! That's a big f*cking amount!)
* Let's jump back a little bit, before we get back to Josh, since in cramming all of his bullsh*t into one neat little narrative, I pretty much skipped April through early July, and a lot happened in that stretch too.
* The Royals got off to the best start in club history, opening 9-0, improving to 17-4 entering May, just an unreal, surreal start that nobody saw coming. And that, predictably, didn't last, as the slide started in early May in Toronto, and hit it's floor on a Thursday in early June, when the Royals started Albie Lopez in a game against the Twins*. Mr. Lopez' release was announced in the stadium before the game was over. Yup, the Royals cut a player during a game, they were so p*ssed at his performance. I know hindsight is 20/20 ... but that decision -- to cut a player during a game -- was (allard baird voice) without question -- without question! -- the best decision of Mr. Baird's failed tenure.
(*: I went to this game with my buddy Anthony. To his credit, he called the "release before the game is over". I figured we'd at least wait for the postgame presser.)
Come Father's Day, the ship had stabilized somewhat -- the Royals were 32-32, hosting the Giants, and taking a flyer on a 30 something year old pitcher from the Newark Bears Independent League team to somehow hold the rotation together, some dude named ... Jose Lima.
To this day ... that game is my favorite Royals game I've ever attended. It was me, my dad, my brother, and my late buddy James. Barry Bonds hit one off the roof of the old concession stand in right field GA. Jose Lima started one of the great out-of-nowhere runs in franchise history. Joe Randa won it with a two run double in the bottom of the ninth off Robb Nen. (The Giants were the defending National League champions.) And the march to respectability had begun -- by the time the All Star Game occurred four weeks later, the Royals were 7 1/2 games clear of the field in the AL Central.
* Easter weekend, The Voice of Reason and I spent the weekend planting the azaleas that welcomed you to our old place on 53rd Terrace, and that Sunday, honestly? Was a great day. We noticed some dark clouds to the north, over by the Speedway, but didn't think anything of it. Hard at work, getting the place fixed up, and come about 6pm, we headed in, thoroughly exhausted.
And had a solid five or six answering machine messages from friends and family, scared to death we'd been caught up in the F4 twister that hit the Speedway area a couple miles from us. I swear to God guys, and The Voice of Reason will back me up on this: we never once had a fear about anything. Hell, the sun was shining where we were planting. Weirdest weather event of the year? Uuh, not quite. There's still the weekend from rain-deluged hell, to get through come early September.
* It's not officially summer until the last weekend in May brings about my favorite race (and usual road trip) to the most sacred sporting facility on Planet Earth, a run-down track stretching the length of Georgetown, from turn one at 16th Street, to the North Forty and Coke lots at 30th. The 2003 Indy 500 is memorable for, quite honestly, only one thing: it was the essential bottoming out of the split era, as not only did the race fail to sell out for the first time in decades, but all the major teams had bolted CART for the IRL. Four years earlier, when Target / Chip Ganassi racing made the return to Indy, it was news. Now, Penske, Ganassi, Rahal-Letterman, Andretti Green -- all the major names of the sport, had moved to the IRL full time. Why it took six more years of mutual destruction to end the stupidest sports split in history, I have no idea, other than Tony George's ego and arrogance is that f*cking huge.
Oh -- Gil de Ferren, one of the most underrated open wheel drivers of the last twenty years, won the race, giving Penske three straight at the Brickyard.
And this happened too. Frighteningly enough folks -- this isn't even close to the worst IRL crash of 2003 that involved Kenny Brack, who in the interest of full disclosure, is my favorite driver of all time (and your 1999 Indy 500 champion). We'll get to that, once we reach October.
* Two weeks after Indy, my buddy Jasson got married. Remembered well for two things: (1) it was hotter than hell itself, and (go figure) it was an outdoor wedding. Genius! (2) The reception. Setting aside all kinds of ridiculousness that went down ... Jasson was dumb enough to make me and "The Voice of Reason" the bartenders! I mean, I get that you're a cop buddy, and popping folks for DUI is good for the bottom line of the city ... but my God! Letting me make people's cocktails, is
* OK, I think we're just about caught up. We're at least to early July on all fronts, so let's plow along.
* After our "you'll sit there and take it!" meetings with Stan, something had to give. But still, Leif wouldn't fire Josh. To do so, would be to acknowledge he screwed up, and his arrogance and ego wouldn't let him do that. So for another THREE WEEKS, we tolerated the incompetence, the outright incompetence*, this kid brought to the table.
And then, we reached "Breaking Point Numero Dos".
(*: forgot to mention earlier, there was a day, when Josh showed up (and those were few and far between), wearing sunglasses. He refused to take them off. Finally I was like, "look it, you can't see the monitor well with those on. I get that you're baked. Christ, it's not like I haven't been high in my life, or even on this job for that matter. But you gotta at least try to focus!" So he takes the glasses off, and he has a shiner the size of the bottom of a can of beer on his left eye. His excuse? "I walked into a tree". No, really -- that was his excuse. "I walked into a tree". Incredibly enough (since this was before we knew his girl smacked him around) ... I bought it. I believed him. The lesson? As always, I am the dumbest, most gullible son of a b*tch in the room.)
After his latest "disappear for a couple days" routine, Mary and I start doing the math (as once again, I'm doing both my "new" job in claims, and my "old" job in accounting. Leif was eight degrees of awful, and I hope I never see that son of a b*tch again. But this? Hiring Josh? This was his worst decision, in a 22 hand-written pages bullet point listing, of bad decisions.)
And we realize ... there's no way he hasn't burned through all his PTO. Which is how we brought him down.
Because the idiot -- and yes, the only way this can be described is "idiotic" -- the idiot hung his timesheet up in his cubicle! Not the "filling it out as I go" timesheet -- the actual submitted timesheet, printed out off whatever our intranet site was! He'd smartly (knowing Mary and I were gunning for him; we weren't even pretending to be doing anything but, at this point) thrown those things away.
In the department recycle bin.
You're damned right I went dumpster diving. Armed with the evidence, we bypassed management, went to HR directly, and made the case for termination.
Which led to one of the funniest scenes I have ever seen, come 3:25ish on Monday, July 25th:
(stevo's email) (notifies me I have a new message)
(stevo) (opens his email)
(mary's email to stevo) get over here! Now! It's going down!
So I casually walk a couple aisles over, and there is Josh, clearing up the stuff he can carry; Leif, standing there looking like he just lost a loved one; and Mary, with a huge beaming smile on her face. I stand next to Mary, and this goes down:
(leif) guys, don't gloat.
(stevo) Leif, you hired my job out from under me, for this unqualified jackass. You have literally wasted the last five months of my life, because you can't stand me*. And it's all blown up in your face. I'm going to enjoy this sh*t for all it's worth, and don't you DARE try to stop me!
(mary) what he said.
So Leif had to escort Josh out the door, and our long, four month long departmental nightmare, was finally over.
(*: that man hated me with a passion. The feeling, as you can tell, was quite mutual.)
* So Josh's termination meant I was officially back to doing two jobs for awhile. So be it. But his termination, along with a few other personnel turnovers, meant we had some openings. And not even two weeks after Josh was shown the door, I am coming back from a late lunch*, and as I head down the main aisle (if you ever stepped foot in our old department at Transamerica, you'll understand the logistics), I see Stan has a guy in his office that he's interviewing. I'd seen the dude around -- he was friends with my buddy Brett over in claims, and I thought he worked in claims, but I didn't know him from some random guy on the street.
So I make my way back to my desk (I got my old corner office spot back as "thanks" for what Josh's hiring -- and firing -- meant), walk past Mary's desk, and start to sit down and get back to work, when Mary comes around the corner. This ... almost never happened. Either I had to walk her way (a whole, at most, 8 steps), or she'd start tossing things over the wall to get my attention and make me stand up to talk. She never -- never! -- headed my way. This time, she did, for this conversation:
(mary) did you see him?
(stevo) see who?
(mary) the kid* in Stan's office!
(stevo) I saw there was someone in there, but didn't really pay much attention.
(mary) what? How could you not notice him?
(stevo) why?
(mary) because he's so good looking!
(stevo) oh Jesus.
Mary had a thing about wanting the department to, uuh, only hire "good looking dudes". So, of course, when the interview's over, she makes me follow the guy out, to "check him out" (her words, not mine). It's the first, and I believe only, time in my life, I've ever been a stalker.
So, finding out nothing -- stunning, I know -- I head back upstairs, and she's already grilled Stan about this guy. She tells me that "I told Stanley he has to hire him!" After cracking a joke in response about how "I guess I'm not the hottest guy in the department anymore"**, she tells me what Stan told her about him: that he was working over in claims, was looking for something more stable / permanent ...
And his name was Dustin.
Or "Dunston", as she always called him.
(*: and now you know, why I call him, "The Kid".)
(**: she had a great one-liner comeback: "honey, you haven't been the hottest guy in this department since Justin showed up three years ago!" Yeah, I miss that place sometimes.)
* I'd better start picking up the pace; we're barely in August.
* And August gave us "Double Header Day II"!!!
* Labor Day weekend ... (peter griffin voice) I've had better days, Lois. I've had better days. Friday opens with me meeting a few friends and co-workers at The Quaff after work. I can honestly say, I have never, and I mean never, been drunker in public in Kansas City, than I was that afternoon. I fell down twice walking to the bathroom. Ugly. And in true Stevo fashion, I made the decision while laying on the floor, that it was time to go home. So I just left, somehow found my car, and somehow made it home. (Note: I am NOT condoning that decision, in any way, shape, or form. It's amongst the top 734 stupidest things, I've ever done in my life. And yes, the fact that I can only count 734 things in my life as being completely stupid ... seems ridiculously low.)
That decision was memorable, only because all of my friends dropped the "you let him leave?!?!" line at poor Phil ... and the waitress was amongst those dropping the line.
Later that night ... the rain started rolling in. One vicious storm. Knocked out the power on our side of 53rd Terrace (and neighbors wound up running extension cords across the street, from our side on the north, to their side on the south, to try to salvage something, anything, of what was in our fridges and freezers.) Come about 10pm that night, we decided to make a run to the Wal-Mart for ... well, only God knows why. (For the peanut gallery, the answer is not just "yes", it's "hell yes".) That? Was THE scariest car ride of my life. We barely made it halfway there (a trip of maybe four miles) before reaching the "f*ck it, we're going home!" moment of terror. The storm was that bad.
Saturday, The Voice of Reason, his sister, and I headed up to Lawrence for the KU season (and home) opener against Northwestern. It'd been overcast and drizzly all day, nothing like the day before, but still miserable. Come mid-second quarter, it went from "mildly annoying rain" to "full on monsoon conditions". I mean, it poured like a mother. (But you stayed for the whole game?) Hell yes we did. (KU lost 28-20, but failed to convert a 4th and goal as time expired.) On the bright side, somehow none of us wound up sick as could be from standing in three straight hours of pouring down rain ... and KU somehow overcame the loss, to make its' first bowl game in nearly a decade (losing in the Champs Sports Bowl to NC State).
Sunday, it was still pouring down rain, so I did what any reasonable person would do: I went to the casino. I should probably note, I did not have a cell phone yet at that time. I hated those things back then (and quite frankly, still do in many regards. Sometimes, you just wanna get away from it all, and those things make it impossible.) But, given where I lived at the time (western Shawnee), I was only a couple minutes from my grandma's, so if she ever needed anything (her health was starting to slip), I'd be the one either she'd call, or my folks would call. She had a bad fall that day, and with that, my folks forced me to enter the mid 1980s, and get a cell phone. (But grandma was ok, right?) Of course she was. She still had another fourteen months in her.
* A couple days later, the Royals made their last gasp stand, a Thursday make-up day game against the Arizona Diamondbacks. It's amongst the most painful defeats I've ever attended. KC trailed 3-2 entering the bottom of the ninth. Carlos Beltran walked to open the inning. Stole second base. Stole third base. And scored on a sacrifice fly, to force extra innings (where the Royals ultimately lost). The loss dropped them a week's worth of games behind the Twins, with only three weeks to play. Still, by far and away, the 2003 season was the best Royals season of the last twenty years. And in that last sentence, is all any person needs to know, about how awful this team has been.
* The Chiefs opened play by pounding the Chargers in the opener, then demolishing the Steelers, and winning by four touchdowns in Houston, to set up a battle of 3-0 teams in Baltimore to close down September. After escaping with a 17-10 win via a late Dante Hall kickoff return for a touchdown, it was set up to open October.
4-0 denver ... at 4-0 Kansas City.
There are games you look forward to, simply because. There are games you look forward to, because the hype is great, and you buy into it. There are games you look forward to, because you get caught up in it, and just give in to emotion. This game, was all of those things.
But every once in awhile ... a game lives up to the hype, the potential, the promise.
This one ... there is noone in Arrowhead Nation, who will EVER, forget this one.
Chiefs 24, donkeys 23, on the most unbelievable punt return in NFL history, a 97 yard, "holy f*cking sh*t!", Dante Hall literally eluding all 11 My Little Ponies, on the return, without the benefit of blockers (but ... sigh ... yes, with a few illegal blocks in the back, to spring him).
That play -- as amazing and incredible as it was -- was Dante Hall's 7th return for a touchdown in 10 games. (Pause). And it was the first one I witnessed.
Every other one -- and yes, this became a running gag -- every other return, I was in the bathroom, and missed it, whether at home, or at Arrowhead. It got to the point (namely, the watching party we had for the Ravens game), when I was ordered to go to the bathroom, to make magic happen. (Somehow, I swear that last sentence makes sense.)
In the words of Paul Wilson from "Cheers" fame, from the series finale: "This? I am here for!"
* The following week saw two unbelievable moments. First, the Chiefs, trailing by 17 with 8:03 to play at Lambeau, won in overtime, 40-34, over the Packers.
And secondly, my favorite driver of all time, damned near died on the track at Texas. I was 100% convinced I'd just seen my favorite driver die. I mean, watch the clip! Even Paul Page is moved to emotion, and usually, Scott Goodyear had to poke that guy awake, back in the day!
* The Chiefs eventually got to 9-0 ... and then, the roadie at Cincinnati happened. You can read the belated recap of the weekend here.
* Come mid-November (namely, right after that trip to Cincy), work reared its' ugly head again. As the admin system project neared its' conclusion, we got to work "mandatory overtime". Go figure -- Leif didn't show up for any of it, because after all: once an ass of a manager, always an ass of a manager*. But, we did get yet another fun "Leif hire that blew up in his face" moment: Dennis!
(30 for 30 voice) What if I told you ... that there was an employee ... who literally had a television on his cubicle desk? Who literally spent all day watching trashy talk shows, instead of working? And what if I told you his manager was so obtuse, so inattentive, cared so little about what actually went on in his department, that said employee went undiscovered for nearly four months, with said television on desk? And what if I told you the hatred for Leif was so intense, that us employees let Dennis get away with said television, because that's how little respect we had for our boss?
Well, that happened, with a racial epiteth meltdown at The Quaff one night after work to boot. Believe it or not, folks -- I actually loved my six plus years in that department. Just not the six plus month stretch to close out 2003.
(*: most people on this site, I will treat with at least a modicum of respect, and/or give a nickname, to hide the guilt. Leif? Can kiss my ass in hell. I've never hated anyone like I hate that man. (joe biden voice) Folks! He feels nothing but hate for Leif! A three letter word: hate!)
* Oh, yeah -- I also had to blow off a "mandatory overtime" Saturday, to take a weekend roadie away with The Voice of Reason for the Chiefs / Vikings game in Minneapolis. Readers? What we've experienced here in KC the last six weeks? Is like a every other day occurance, in Minneapolis. I will never, and I mean never, forget walking through 11 inches of snow that had fallen during the game, to get back to the car.
* Forgot to mention, the week before, the Chiefs clinched the AFC West for the first time in six years, by pounding the Lions on the morning US forces captured Saddam Hussein. Still the most unreal tailgate, I've ever attended. (The story is in there, you just have to read for awhile, to get to it.)
* And also forgot to mention, the gambling moment of a lifetime, when I bet damned near everyone I knew, and their brother, that Kansas State would upset Oklahoma in the Big XII title game. A few folks at work, I didn't even have to win straight up (although I was willing to take that bet); they gave me the points. I won nearly $400 from co-workers who didn't believe in that Wildcats team. I did. Fun times!
* And the truly funniest moment of December. We did our "Secret Santa" deal as a department, where we drew one person that we were to give a minor gift ($10 limit) to every day for a week (if you chose to participate). I drew a guy I, quite honestly, didn't know, didn't care to know, but hey, he's here, so let's do this. If you worked with me at TA, you know which Tim I drew, and it wasn't the quiet, decent dude who worked in our claims area that I still consider to be a friend. I drew the Tim in our department who literally drank at his desk. No, that's not a joke -- he literally made Irish Coffee from the moment he walked in the door, until he left to go home.
So me, being both the awesomely nice dude I am, as well as being the laziest SOB to walk the planet, I approached him on Monday of Secret Santa Week, and this was our conversation:
(stevo) hey.
(tim) hello.
(stevo) so I'm not gonna lie; I'm your Secret Santa.
(tim) ok.
(stevo) and I have no idea what to get you, but ...
(tim) I smoke Winston's; I drink Seagram's.
(stevo) VO or straight 7?
(tim) surprise me.
So yes, my "gift" to my Secret Santa recipient every day for a week, was a pack of Winston's, and a pint of Seagram's. Go figure -- he never complained.
* The year ended ... well hell, we all know how it ended: me, a couch, a cold one, and (pre-strokey) Dick Clark. And that ushered in arguably the most difficult year of my life, 2004.
I can promise you, 2004 will be the LAST year of "The Decade That Was", to get a recap ...
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
the 2013 chiefs: the first look ahead ...
"You play with words; you play with love.
You can twist it around, but that ain't enough
'Cause girl? I'm gonna know
If you're letting me in, or letting me go --
Don't lie. When you're hurting inside?
You can't escape my ...
Private eyes! (clap clap!) They're watching you! (clap clap!)
They see your every move!
Private eyes! (clap clap!) They're watching you! (clap clap!)
They're watching you, watching you, watching you ..."
-- "Private Eyes" by Hall and Oates.
------------------------------------------------
You can twist it around, but that ain't enough
'Cause girl? I'm gonna know
If you're letting me in, or letting me go --
Don't lie. When you're hurting inside?
You can't escape my ...
Private eyes! (clap clap!) They're watching you! (clap clap!)
They see your every move!
Private eyes! (clap clap!) They're watching you! (clap clap!)
They're watching you, watching you, watching you ..."
-- "Private Eyes" by Hall and Oates.
------------------------------------------------
Well, now that I've finally completed and posted the *cough fourteen week overdue cough* look back at the 2012 Chiefs season*, I suppose it's time
to look ahead to 2013 -- what have the Chiefs done so far in the offseason,
what work remains to be done, and as always, a preliminary look at the season
via a mock schedule featuring our actual opponents, purposely mocked to ensure
the best possible record for the Chiefs.
(*: said 2012 season brought to you by Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood: where the architects of the 2012 Chiefs
should have taken their creation, six weeks or so after the roster was conceived.)
The Chiefs ended the 2012 season at two wins, meaning our moves,
coupled with the donkeys decisions, have to bridge a gap of eleven wins, to
take the AFC West next season (which should be the goal of every organization
entering every season -- make sensible moves that maximize your ability to win
the division. It's football, not rocket
science, people. It's really not that
tough to figure out.)
Let's take this one position at a time ... starting with the most
important of them all:
* Quarterback.
Out: Matt Cassel (released), Brady Quinn (free agency).
In: Alex Smith (trade with 49ers); Chase Daniel (free agency).
Retained: Noone of note as of 3/19/13.
Analysis: I've already posted my feelings regarding Alex Smith's arrival, and needless to say, I have no complaints. The Chase Daniel signing though, fascinates
me. On the one hand, handing $10 million
to a dude who's thrown exactly nine passes in his career, is a little bit ...
uum ... gee, how to put this ... stupid?
Idiotic? Foolish?
But on the other hand ... I actually love this signing. Look it, what you want in a backup
quarterback is someone you have faith in, someone who can step in for a month
and at least split 2-2. Can Chase Daniel
do that? I have no idea, but what's
wrong with finding out? What's wrong
with having options available to you?
There is no question -- (allard baird voice) no question! -- that Chase
Daniel, right now, is better than any option on the roster in 2012. He's better than Cassel. He's better than Quinn. He's a helluva lot better than Stanzi, or
that Youtube! sensation we stashed on the practice squad. So in that regard, I'm really good with the
move.
Plus, and maybe I just think differently than other people, but
all the dude has done, is win -- and win big -- at every level he's ever played
at! You don't start at quarterback at
Carroll High, unless you're damned good.
You don't lead your team to the number one ranking in the nation, thirty
minutes away from playing for a national championship, like Mr. Daniel did at
Mizzou, unless you are really damned good.
And I'm gonna go out on a limb and state that Sean Payton, arguably the
finest offensive mind in the sport, he doesn't let you spend not one, not two,
but three seasons as Drew Brees' backup, unless he believes you can win in the
NFL. And if "Fat" Andy Reid
and John Dorsey, men who have coached and/or drafted and/or traded for Steve
Young, Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers, Matt Hasselbeck
-- all pretty solid, Pro Bowl caliber quarterbacks -- there's no way
"Fat" Andy Reid signs off on this, unless he thinks Chase Daniel can
win in this league.
Grade(s): A+ for Smith; B+ for Daniel.
* Running Back.
Out: Peyton Hillis (released ... I think).
In: Noone of note as of 3/19/13.
Retained: Noone of note as of 3/19/13.
Analysis: addition by subtraction?
Peyton Hillis was a complete waste of time, money, and space in
2012. Hey, I liked the signing, I liked
the gamble, I thought he would be a clear improvement over Thomas Jones. He wasn't.
Probably best for all parties involved that he moved on.
I would expect the Chiefs to target a running back with one of
their third round picks. (More on this
when we get to what I'd focus on in the draft, farther down this post.)
Grade(s): C.
* Wide Receiver.
Out: Steve Breaston (released).
In: Donnie Avery (free agency).
Retained: Dwayne Bowe (new contract).
Analysis: if you go to the Chiefs website and click on Mr. Avery's
player profile, and look at his game by game stats from 2012, you'll notice
something that, quite frankly, is damned refreshing to see.
Consistency.
Every week, he's good for 4 catches and 60 yards of offense. Isn't that what you want from a slot
receiver? Basically, he's Dante Hall 2.0
when it comes to the receiving game.
Isn't that a good thing? I mean,
am I the only one who remembered how automatic, how freaking automatic, Dante
Hall was on the "quick throw at the line" play? Good for 13-15 yards and a first, every
time. And at least once or twice a year,
he'd break one (remember the Bills Sunday nighter in 2003, when he took a
simple go pattern for 93 yards and the six)?
Isn't that EXACTLY what this team needs, opposite it's big playmaker in
Dwayne Bowe?
Furthermore, with one exception (2011), he's healthy and available
for action. Consistently playing 15, 16
games a season throughout his career.
Again, isn't that EXACTLY what this team needs, a wide receiver that can
get on the field, and stay there?
Smart, sensible, thoughtful signing. When was the last time we could say that,
about a free agent acquisition by this team?
I love this signing. Hell, I've
loved everything this team has done this offseason so far, if we're being
honest.
Grade(s): A+ for Bowe; A- for Avery.
* Tight End.
Out: Steve Maneri (free agency).
In: Anthony Fasano (free agency).
Retained: Noone of note as of 3/19/13.
Analysis: you know, I really shouldn't call this
"analysis"; it's really more like "Stevo flinging sh*t against
the wall and seeing what sticks". I
might have to go back, and change this section to "Sh*t That Sticks"
or something. (joe biden voice)
Folks! That is a great idea! A three letter word -- idea! (Pause).
Yes, I know I'm running the Joe Biden voice into the ground. (Pause).
No, I don't care what my readers think about it! If they don't like me having some fun with a guy who my sole purpose in life for a month, was to have a beer with, I like the guy that much, then they can go read something else! Deal with it!
Anyways, I liked the Fasano signing. Like with Avery, click on his player profile,
and you'll notice two very good things: he stays healthy, and he puts up
consistent numbers. There aren't a ton
of swing performances -- meaning, one week he grabs 11 for 150 and 2 TDs, then
the next three weeks, he combines for 2 catches for 5 yards. Just yet another smart, sensible, thoughtful
signing by the Chiefs that I wholeheartedly approve of.
Grade(s): B.
* Offensive Line.
Out: Eric Winston (arrogant f*cking prick getting what he not just deserved, but earned); Ryan Lilja (retirement).
In: Geoff Schwartz (free agency).
Retained: Branden Albert (franchise tag).
Analysis: another area the Chiefs have clearly chosen to focus on
in the draft. Which I have no problems
with ... provided number one overall, is not whizzed away on an offensive
lineman. Geoff Schwartz was a decent
signing for depth (which the Chiefs have little of at the position). Right tackle and depth at center are two
glaring holes right now -- the interior of Jeff Allen / Rodney Hudson / Jon Asomoah is solid,
and Branden Albert looks good to go at left tackle, having signed his one year tender
earlier today.
The Chiefs did what they had to do, and retained Branden
Albert. At this point, guys? Doesn't it feel damned good to use the phrase
"the Chiefs did what they had to do", as often as we have so far this
offseason?
Grade(s): A for Albert; B+ for Schwartz.
* Defensive Line.
Out: Glenn Dorsey (free agency); Shaun Smith (free agency ... I
think).
In: Mike DeVito (free agency).
Retained: Tyson Jackson (restructured contract).
Analysis: DeVito is a really solid signing, one of those
under-the-radar deals that you don't recognize for it's brilliance, until you
can't ignore it anymore. No, he's not
making a Pro Bowl anytime soon, but like Donnie Avery, like Anthony Fasano,
it's yet another depth-building signing of a proven commodity. You know what you're getting with DeVito --
15 games, 65-70 tackles, and effective effort in occupying the other team's
tackle, to free up the lane(s) for Hali and Houston.
Of all the offseason moves the Chiefs have made though, none may
prove to be bigger, than in convincing Tyson Jackson to redo his deal. The restructure freed up nearly $11 million
in cap room, allowed Jackson to continue his development (again, as I tried to
note in the Season in Review, Mr. Jackson had a really solid season last year;
this team sucked so much, you just didn't notice it), and meant that we didn't
have to fill two line slots, freeing up resources elsewhere. God above, you'd think I was on my knees or
something -- I'm giving the Dorsey / Reid offseason a complete and total verbal
fellation at this point. (joe biden
voice) Folks! He's giving them a verbal
blow job! A three letter word -- blow!
(Yes, at this point, the Joe Biden voice is being used solely and
totally because it's making me laugh out loud as I type. What can I say. Other than "it's my site, and you cannot
argue you aren't getting your money's worth out of this bad boy ... considering
you haven't paid anything, to read this". You'll read this and thank me for it!)
Grade(s): B for Jackson; B for DeVito.
* Linebacker.
Out: Jovan Belcher (death); Brandon Siler (free agency ... I
think).
In: Noone of note as of 3/19/13.
Retained: position coach Gary Gibbs.
Analysis: I hold out hope that Brandon Siler will be resigned, if for
nothing else, then for depth, given his solid play last season. The four starters are pretty much set -- Hali
and Houston on the edges, Johnson and Greenwood in the middle. This unit has two openings to fill. I'd expect one to be via the draft, and one
via a waiver wire cut in camp, or a free agent signing as camp approaches.
And as for Gibbs -- this guy can flat out coach the position. I'm glad "Fat" Andy Reid recognized
the dude's talent, and kept him around.
Grade(s): D for player signing / retention; A for Gibbs.
* Secondary.
Out: Stanford Routt (released).
In: Sean Smith (free agency); Dunta Robinson (free agency).
Retained: position coach Emmitt Thomas.
Analysis: other than quarterback and the braintrust on the
sideline, no position on this team has upgraded as rapidly, completely, and
totally as the secondary. Emmitt Thomas
worked nothing short of a miracle last year, given the depth and injury issues
this unit faced. I mean, I don't have many rules of life*, but I'm pretty sure one of them is "if Neiko Thorpe is
starting at corner for you, you are (ween voice) up sh*ts creek with a turd for
a paddle".
(*: Good God, I need to seriously update this list. It's been 30 months. I'm sure I've added at least one rule since then ... and discarded a few. (Pause). Yes, it does sound like a brilliant way to whiz away eight hours in the office tomorrow! Or to spend the evening tonight, if "NCIS" is a rerun, and "Smash" continues to be eight layers of unwatchable.)
(*: Good God, I need to seriously update this list. It's been 30 months. I'm sure I've added at least one rule since then ... and discarded a few. (Pause). Yes, it does sound like a brilliant way to whiz away eight hours in the office tomorrow! Or to spend the evening tonight, if "NCIS" is a rerun, and "Smash" continues to be eight layers of unwatchable.)
Signing Dunta Robinson by itself would have improved this unit
drastically. Signing both Sean Smith
(who will start) AND Dunta Robinson (who will play quite a bit)? Is about as dramatic of an improvement to
this unit, that is humanly possible.
Again, go back to the beginning of this post. EVERY move you make, should have as its
primary focus, its primary goal, to bridge the gap between where you were (two
wins), and where the leader is (thirteen wins).
Like it or not, we play in a division where we have to face eric decker,
demaryius thomas, and wes welker twice a year, and God willing, a third time in
January. The Chiefs must have at least
five competent cover guys -- three to cover denver's wideouts, one for the
tight end, one for the safety valve. We
now do. A corner unit of Brandon Flowers
/ Sean Smith / Dunta Robinson, with Javier Arenas as the nickel / dime option,
combined with a safety unit of Eric Berry / Kendrick Lewis with the
(surprisingly) effective Tysyn Hartman, is a really, really good unit. We're talking "amongst the best in the
NFL" good. (joe biden voice)
Folks! He thinks this is a damned good
secondary! A three letter word -- good!
This is one position I will be stunned, to see the Chiefs use one
of their eight picks on. Unless it's
round seven, and they're taking a flyer on a sleeper they like, and don't want
to risk not signing when the free agent madhouse after the draft begins.
Grade(s): A+ for Smith; A for Robinson; B+ for Thomas.
* Special Teams.
Out: Noone of note as of 3/19/13.
In: Noone of note as of 3/19/13.
Retained: Dustin Colquitt (free agency).
Analysis: the Chiefs had to keep Colquitt, and they managed to do
it. Did we overpay? Of course!
But did we have a choice? Hell
no!
Like with the secondary, and having to have both quality AND
quantity to simply deal with what the donkeys have in place, when you're in a
division with three punters as terrific at their job as baby brother britton,
shane lechler, and Mike Scifres, when you know you're going to be facing them
six times a year, you've gotta at least match what they've got, to not allow
the enemy to have a position of strength against you, that you can't counter
balance.
I expect the Chiefs to bring in either a free agent (draft
eligible) kicker, or to sign a veteran, to compete in camp for the place
kicking gig. And I expect Ryan Succup to
retain his job, through a solid training camp and preseason effort. He had a bad year. It happens.
Let's just all be thankful that his worst season to date (and his first
three have been phenomenally good), occurred during the worst season in
franchise history.
Grade(s): A+ for Colquitt.
* Coaching.
Out: Head Coach Romeo Crennel (fired); Assistant Head Coach /
Running Backs Coach Maurice Carthon (fired); Offensive Coordinator Brian Daboll
(fired); Offensive Line Coach Jack Bicknell Jr. (fired); Quarterbacks Coach Jim
Zorn (fired); Wide Receivers Coach Nick Sirianni (fired); Tight Ends Coach
Bernie Parmelee (fired); Offensive Quality Control Coach Jim Bob Cooter
(tragically fired); Defensive Line Coach Anthony Pleasant (fired); Defensive
Quality Control Coach Otis Smith (fired); Defensive Assistant / Linebackers
Coach Anthony Zimmer (fired); Special Teams Coordinator Tom McMahon (fired);
Strength and Conditioning Coach Mike Clark (fired).
(joe biden voice) My God, Folks!
No wonder Barack America and I's plan to grow the economy isn't working! Because the Chiefs clearly
don't believe in that three letter word: jobs!
J O B S, jobs*!
In: Head Coach "Fat" Andy Reid (hired); Offensive
Coordinator Doug Pederson (hired); Assistant Head Coach / Wide Receivers Coach
David Culley (hired); Running Backs Coach Eric "Sleeping With"
Bieniemy (hired); Quarterbacks Coach Matt Nagy (hired); Offensive Line Coach
Andy Heck (hired); Tight End Coach Tom Melvin (hired); Assistant Offensive Line
Coach Eugene "Like Maury Povich, Everyone Wang Connie" Chung
"Tonight" (hired); Strength and Conditioning Coach Barry Rubin
(hired); Defensive Coordinator Bob Sutton (hired); Defensive Line Coach Tommy
Brasher (hired); Assistant Secondary Coach Al Harris (hired); Special Teams
Coordinator Dave Toub (hired); Quality Control Coach Britt Reid (hired);
Quality Control Coach Cory Matthaei (hired); Quality Control Coach Mark DeLeone
(hired).
(joe biden voice) Folks!
That's change we can believe in!
Retained: Linebackers Coach Gary Gibbs; Secondary Coach Emmitt
Thomas.
(*: my favorite, bar none, part of the clip, is the last two
seconds, when not only Mr. Biden realizes his incredibly idiotic (and
hysterical) gaffe ... you hear the audience start laughing hysterically. Mr. Biden brought the house down with that
one. And it's why I can't help but love
the guy. He doesn't duck or dodge or
clam up after a gaffe (like every damned Republican in the nation); he just
rolls with the punches, and somehow salvages the situation. He's the undisputed king of thinking on his
feet. I admire that in people. And we all know, I also love people who don't
take themselves seriously. I hate
arrogant f*cking pricks with a passion.
Mr. Biden, is certainly not arrogant, and he ain't a prick. Hell -- he can make people with no legs, stand up!** (joe biden voice) Thanks, pal!)
(**: and no, no political speech gaffe will EVER, top Vice President Biden telling a guy with no legs to "stand up", and then, after THIRTY SIX YEARS in the Senate, noting "you can tell I'm new". I will never stop laughing at the utter stupidity on display ... and how incredibly well Mr. Biden adjusted on the fly. THAT takes talent. Which, to be fair, he should have -- God knows he botches sh*t enough, to get plenty of practice at recovering on the fly.)
(**: and no, no political speech gaffe will EVER, top Vice President Biden telling a guy with no legs to "stand up", and then, after THIRTY SIX YEARS in the Senate, noting "you can tell I'm new". I will never stop laughing at the utter stupidity on display ... and how incredibly well Mr. Biden adjusted on the fly. THAT takes talent. Which, to be fair, he should have -- God knows he botches sh*t enough, to get plenty of practice at recovering on the fly.)
Analysis: wow. Just ...
wow. And I left about five coaches OFF
the "in" listing, that are listed on the Chiefs website as being a
part of "Fat" Andy Reid's coaching staff.
So let's start at the top.
"Fat" Andy Reid, at a bare minimum, is a three game
improvement over Romeo Crennel by himself.
At a BARE minimum. Yes, he has
clock management issues, but what head coach not named "Mike
Shanahan" or "Bill Belichick" doesn't? Yes, he is atrocious at challenges ... but
what makes you think he won't learn from his mistakes, like another former
Eagles head coach who took over the Chiefs, and hire someone* specifically to
let him know when to challenge, so that he doesn't have to think about it?
(*: yo, "Fat" Andy! Mike White is sitting on the couch with nothing to do. Throw a couple hundred grand at him, to return to the sideline, and do what he did so brilliantly during the last three Vermeil years here. Just a suggestion. Your amigo, Stevo.)
(*: yo, "Fat" Andy! Mike White is sitting on the couch with nothing to do. Throw a couple hundred grand at him, to return to the sideline, and do what he did so brilliantly during the last three Vermeil years here. Just a suggestion. Your amigo, Stevo.)
Likewise, I think the upgrade at offensive coordinator is worth a
win or two. One thing I hate, and I mean
HATE, about people's criticisms (fair or not) about "Fat" Andy Reid,
is the ludacris suggestion that he doesn't believe in the running game. (dierks bentley voice) Am I the only one who wants to have fun tonight? No, wait -- I
mean, am I the only one who does statistical research?
It is a FACT that prior to 2009 (a decade's worth of data for
Reid), that the Eagles ran the ball 52.4% of the time. Starting in 2009, the number started to flip,
resulting in the league high nearly 62 / 38 pass run ratio last year.
Guys? What two things
happened in 2009, that would lead a coach who for a f*cking decade, leaned run
over pass, to suddenly embrace the pass over the run? The Eagles didn't lose their featured running
back to free agency, or sign a mobile quarterback, did they? They didn't lose Brian Westbrook to the
49ers, and sign (and eventually start) Michael Vick, did they? Oh wait -- they did!
I mean, sweet merciful Jesus, if you don't have a running back
that is healthy and capable (LeSean McCoy doesn't count ... at least for the
healthy part; he is pretty capable), and your quarterback's best strength is
throwing on the run, throwing outside the pocket, wouldn't you ADAPT your
offense to fit your players skill sets?
I mean, it's not like the Eagles' emphasis on the pass crippled them --
they reached the NFC Title Game in 2009, won the damned division in 2010, and
went .500 in 2011. (We'll ignore 2012,
when injuries, and the players quitting on "Fat" Andy, turned the
season into a debacle.)
Here in KC, with a more traditional passer and a dynamic back who
perfectly fits the Reid offense, does anyone honestly believe Reid and Pederson
are going to have Alex Smith throwing the rock 55 times a game? Does anyone believe that two people who have
had this modified West Coast offense humming along as one of the league's best
for fifteen f*cking years, is NOT going to coach to his strengths, and away
from his weaknesses? If you honestly
believe that, if you honestly believe that a coach who over the last 15 years,
has won 140 games, 9 division titles, reached 5 conference title games, and won
the conference once, if you honestly believe that a man that successful is
going to look at the weapons at his disposal, and coach AGAINST what they do
best? Then (george strait voice) I've got some oceanfront property in Arizona for ya.
And if you'll buy that?
I'll throw the damned Golden Gate Bridge in for free.
I mean, this is just absolutely ridiculous! What kind of a buffoon coaches AGAINST his
strengths? Other than Romeo Crennel, of
course? Good grief.
On defense, I'll be honest -- I'm not thrilled with the Bob Sutton
hire. He is, at best, a middle of the
road, average, perfectly mediocre hire.
(Pause). Which isn't that OK? I mean, be honest -- who amongst us that
loves this team WOULDN'T take a 13th ranked defense (which Sutton's Jets have
been the last two years)? If you get
that side of the ball to simply be mediocre, to simply not yield 40 (vs
Falcons), 35 (at Bills), 37 (vs Chargers), 38 (at Bucs), 31 (at Chargers), 28
(vs Bengals), 30 (at raiders), and 38 (at broncos)?
You're looking at at least one more win than you had, if not two.
As for special teams? Given
how solid his units almost always were in Philadelphia, if this is the dude
"Fat" Andy Reid wants for the job?
Then he's the right dude for the job.
(joe biden voice) Folks! He's the
right dude for the job! A three letter
word -- dude!
Grade(s): A for "Fat" Andy Reid; B+ for retaining Gibbs
and Thomas; B for rest of the hires save for one; F for Britt Reid hire. (Pause).
What? I hate nepotism of any
kind! (Pause). Oh for God's sake, like "Fat"
Andy Reid is ever going to read this!
Besides, if he ever did, I guarantee you he'd be more upset about me
nicknaming him "Fat" Andy Reid, than for suggesting his son is a
no-talent (alleged) drug dealer who has no business being on a NFL coaching staff!
* Front Office.
Out: General Manager Scott Pioli (arrogant f*cking prick who got not just what he deserved, but earned); Director of Player
Personnel Ray "Bring Your Playbook" Farmer (resigned / accepted same job
with Browns).
In: General Manager John Dorsey (hired); Assorted Regional and
Area Scouts (hired).
Retained: President Mark Donovan.
Analysis: I have said it before, and I mean it more every single
time I say it. Hell, I love it so much,
I'm going to bold face the entire statement.
I love, and I mean LOVE, when arrogant f*cking pricks who treat
other people with a total, complete, and utter lack of respect, get what they
deserve. It CANNOT happen early -- or
often -- enough.
(joe biden voice) Folks!
Stevo's saying he felt nothing but hate for Scott Pioli! A three letter word -- hate!
God bless it, I feel SO STRONGLY about this ... I'm typing it in
bold face, one more time.
I love, and I mean LOVE, when arrogant f*cking pricks who treat
other people with a total, complete, and utter lack of respect, get what they
deserve. It CANNOT happen early -- or
often -- enough.
Grade(s): A+ for Dorsey; Incomplete for Assorted Scouts; C for Donovan.
* The Draft.
The Chiefs 2013 Picks:
Round One, Pick One (1)
Round Three, Pick One (63)
Round Three, Pick Thirty Four (96)*
Round Four, Pick Two (99)
Round Five, Pick One (134)
Round Six, Pick Two (170)
Round Six, Pick Thirty Six (202)*
Round Seven, Pick One (203)
* -- compensatory pick, cannot be traded.
The Chiefs have three major areas they need to address in the
draft: offensive line, depth at linebacker, depth / potential starter on the
defensive line. In addition, I expect
the Chiefs to draft at least one quarterback, probably with one of the two
third rounders. Depth at running back,
offensive line, and possibly a wide receiver figure to be taken as well.
Here's what I'd like to see.
1. Trade out of the first pick in the draft, if possible.
Who knows how possible this is?
Usually, barely a month out from the draft, if the top pick is getting
shopped, it's major news. Unless I've
lost my hearing and ability to read various draft related sites, I've heard
nothing about either the Chiefs trying to trade down, or of any other team
trying to trade up.
2. If you have to pick first overall, select Dee Milliner, CB,
Alabama.
It's simple: take the best skill position player available. I would argue you never use the first pick in
the draft -- or a top fifteen pick for that matter -- on anything other than a
quarterback, cornerback, linebacker, or safety.
Running back is overvalued. Wide
receiver is overvalued. You can always
find a serviceable lineman, on either side of the ball.
The odds are, however, you will NOT find a franchise quarterback,
cornerback, linebacker, or safety. (And
for the record, that is the order of importance of the selection, in my rarely
humble opinion.)
If we're being honest with ourselves, there is no quarterback
worth taking first overall. So go to the
next position, and take the best available player at corner.
3. If still available to open round three, select Ryan Nassib, QB,
Syracuse.
Nassib is the quarterback I like the best in this draft. Better than Geno Smith, better than Mike
Glennon, better than Matt Barkley, better than EJ Manuel, better than Landry
Jones, better than Tyler Wilson, better than Tyler Bray. Love this kid.
4. If Ryan Nassib is off the board, strongly consider selecting
Montee Ball, RB, Wisconsin.
Hey, if the best back in the draft, who happens to be a perfect
compliment to Jamaal Charles, and happens to solve your "who the hell
carries it on 4th and 1" glaring need you have, is sitting there at 63 ...
and the guy you wanted there, is already off the board? You can do worse than selecting the best back
in the draft.
5. With the six remaining picks, draft for depth.
You can find a serviceable linebacker, a serviceable defensive
lineman, and a serviceable offensive lineman, with these six picks. If you look at John Dorsey's draft history in
Green Bay, you'll notice the Packers consistently hit on Day Three picks. They didn't find their stars there, but they
found their depth, the guys you need who just get the job done. All you have to do, is hit on 50% of the six
picks. I believe John Dorsey is more
than capable, of doing that.
* Remaining Free Agency.
Honestly, at this point, you're signing depth. There's only one true gaping opening in the
starting unit, and that's right tackle.
(Or left tackle, if you move Branden Albert, which is something I would
not do.) This is something that both
prior administrations, have done a decent job of doing -- acquiring veterans
for cheap who get the job done for a year or two.
I know the elephant in the room, is whether the Chiefs should go
after Elvis Dumervil, who thanks to an incredible brain fart by his agent,
finds himself unemployed as of 3/19/13.
I would not. I'd rather use the
money (and cap space) a credible contract for Dumervil will eat up, on a couple
backup linemen on either side of the ball.
* The Dream Schedule.
Well, let's take a stab at this.
Preseason:
Week One: Saturday, August 10, at Vikings, 7pm (Channel 5).
Week Two: Saturday, August 17, vs Bears, 7pm (Channel 5).
Week Three: Saturday, August 24, vs Rams, 7pm (Channel 5).
Week Four: Thursday, August 29, at Cowboys, 7pm (Channel 5).
Analysis: Royals are home August 10th (vs Red Sox) and 24th (vs
Nationals). Give us a double header day,
guys. Please. There is little that is more fun, than to
start tailgating at 10am, catch a Royals game at noon, tailgate for another 3
hours afterwards, then catch the Chiefs game at 7pm.
Regular Season:
Just for the record, here are the Chiefs opponents for 2013:
Home: broncos, raiders, Chargers; Colts, Texans; Cowboys, Giants;
Browns.
Road: broncos, raiders, Chargers; Jaguars, Titans; Eagles,
Redskins; Bills.
Week One: Monday, September 9, vs denver broncos (9:15pm CT,
ESPN).
Week Two: Sunday, September 15, at Buffalo Bills (noon CT, CBS).
Week Three: Sunday, September 22, at Jacksonville Jaguars (noon
CT, CBS).
Week Four: Sunday, September 29, vs Houston Texans (noon CT, CBS).
Week Five: bye.
Week Six: Thursday, October 10, at Philadelphia Eagles (7pm,
NFLN).
Week Seven: Sunday, October 20, vs San Diego "Super"
Chargers (noon CT, CBS).
Week Eight: Sunday, October 27, at oakland raiders (3pm or 3:25pm
CT, CBS).
Week Nine: Sunday, November 3, at Tennessee Titans (noon CT, CBS).
Week Ten: Sunday, November 10, vs Dallas Cowboys (noon CT, FOX).
Week Eleven: Sunday, November 17, vs New York Giants (noon CT,
FOX)*.
Week Twelve: Sunday, November 24, at denver broncos (3 or 3:25pm
CT, CBS)*.
Week Thirteen: Sunday, December 1, at San Diego "Super"
Chargers (3 or 3:25pm CT, CBS)*.
Week Fourteen: Sunday, December 8, vs Indianapolis Colts (noon CT,
CBS)*.
Week Fifteen: Sunday, December 15, at Washington Redskins (noon
CT, CBS)*.
Week Sixteen: Sunday, December 22, vs Cleveland Browns (noon CT,
CBS)*.
Week Seventeen: Sunday, December 29, vs oakland raiders (noon CT,
CBS)*.
* -- eligible for flexible scheduling.
Let's take this piece by piece.
Week One: the Royals are home on September 8, meaning the Chiefs
will either (a) open on the road ... or it's 2010 all over again, with Tuesday
morning football! You want to get the
new era off to a potentially amazing start?
Why not take on the bully right off the bat! Just like the Monday Nighter against the
Chargers in 2010 jump-started that season, why not try to replicate history
again? It'd be a great start to the
season.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Chiefs 27, broncos 24. Chiefs 1-0 (overall), 1-0 (conference), 1-0
(division).
Week Two: the Royals are on the road on September 15, but I didn't
want to open with two straight home games, so instead, I sent us on our first
roadie of the season ... to our personal house of horrors. Do you know the last time the Chiefs won at
the Ralph? (Here's a hint: some of you
who regularly read this site, were NOT EVEN BORN YET, the last time a Chiefs
team won in Buffalo). The answer? Week Four ... 1986, a 20-17 overtime
win. Since then, the Chiefs have played
at the Ralph six times, and are not only 0-6 ... they haven't even been
competitive:
1991 Playoffs: Bills 37, Chiefs 14.
1993 Playoffs: Bills 30, Chiefs 13.
1994 Week 9: Bills 44, Chiefs 10.
1996 Week 17: Bills 22, Chiefs 9.
2005 Week 11: Bills 13, Chiefs 3.
2012 Week 2: Bills 35, Chiefs 17.
Average: Bills 30, Chiefs 11.
Time to snap that streak, fellas.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: Chiefs 24, at Bills 14. Chiefs 2-0, 2-0, 1-0.
Week Three: without question -- (allard baird voice) without
question! -- THE easiest game on the 2013 schedule. If the Chiefs cannot beat the worst team in
the NFL, it's going to be a long, long, long, long, long season.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: Chiefs 31, at Jaguars 13. Chiefs 3-0, 3-0, 1-0.
Week Four: without question -- (allard baird voice) without
question! -- THE hardest game on the
2013 schedule. If the Chiefs can just
hang within a couple scores, it bodes well for the rest of the season.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: Texans 34, at Chiefs 24. Chiefs 3-1, 3-1, 1-0.
Week Five: hang on, let me check something ... and whew, we're
good. "Sur" William Callahan
is not on the Chiefs coaching staff.
Thank God -- bye would have hung 50 on us, if "Sur" William
was on the Chiefs staff.
(And as a public service for those of you who don't get why I refer to the worst coach in Cornhuskers ... if not Big 6, Big 7, Big 8, Big XII and Big Ten (plus four)'s combined histories ... as "Sur" William Callahan? Here's your answer.)
(And as a public service for those of you who don't get why I refer to the worst coach in Cornhuskers ... if not Big 6, Big 7, Big 8, Big XII and Big Ten (plus four)'s combined histories ... as "Sur" William Callahan? Here's your answer.)
Week Six: we all know that “Fat” Andy Reid’s return to Philly is
destined for either a Monday or Thursday night slot. Every team must make one Thursday night
appearance; the NFL can get rid of two “bad” teams with one stone here in a
non-sweeps / networks in reruns time of the season (aka “makes for better
ratings when it counts”).
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Eagles 23, Chiefs 10. Chiefs 3-2, 3-1, 1-0.
Week Seven: A big divisional game.
The Chiefs have dropped their last five divisional home games, and it
should be seven – the one win at home over the last two years against the
division, was one of the biggest “what are the f*cking odds” victories against
the “Super” Chargers on Halloween Night 2011.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Chiefs 28, Chargers 17. Chiefs 4-2, 4-1, 2-0.
Week Eight: if the Chiefs are going to catch the broncos? They MUST win this game. Chiefs have won 9 of 11 by the Bay. They MUST make that 10 of 12. A huge statement game – divisional champions
win this game comfortably; the raiders are atrocious. A wildcard team? Finds a way to get the job done as well.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: Chiefs 20, at raiders 9. Chiefs 5-2, 5-1, 3-0.
Week Nine: another extremely winnable road game against a
mediocre, average opponent. Playoff
teams find a way to sweep the road trip against two teams likely to be picking
in the top five in the 2014 NFL Draft.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: Chiefs 24, at Titans 21
(OT). Chiefs 6-2, 6-1, 3-0.
Week Ten: ooh boy.
This? Is a phenomenal measuring
stick to open the second half of the season.
Yes, I have the Chiefs at 6-2, but other than denver (via an emotional
prime time home game), the Chiefs haven’t beaten any team that figures to win
more than five games this season (Bills, Jaguars, Chargers, raiders, Titans). This is winnable, against a credible playoff threat ... as is the next week. I say the Chiefs split.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: Cowboys 31, at Chiefs 20. Chiefs 6-3, 6-1, 3-0.
Week Eleven: see week ten.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Chiefs 27, Giants 23. Chiefs 7-3, 6-1, 3-0.
Week Twelve: in the words of the late, great Randall Carlyle
Wakefield: “I may be stupid, but I’m not that stupid. (Pause).
Well …”
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at broncos 38, Chiefs 17. Chiefs 7-4, 6-2, 3-1.
Week Thirteen: the Chiefs house of horrors … and my guess is, this
one might be the difference between catching the broncos … or falling short,
and being dumped in the clusterf*ck of 10-6 squads fighting for the right to
get rolled at Houston or Pittsburgh or Baltimore or Cincinnati to open the
playoffs. The Chiefs are 5-15 in their
last 20 at Qualcomm, with the only wins since 1991 coming in 1992 (season
opener; Bob Ross’ first game), 1995 (Chiefs went 8-0 in division), 1997 (barely;
San Diego was up for this one), 2003 (barely, 28-24), and 2007 (total and
complete fluke). In this stretch, the
Chiefs also have blown a 17 point lead with 3:20 to play to lose (1998), have
blown a 13 point lead with 4 minutes to play to lose (2002), and of their last
five trips to the Q, have finished within three touchdowns of victory only once
(2011; Chargers won 20-17 after leading 17-0 at half).
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Chargers 35, Chiefs 31. Chiefs 7-5, 6-3, 3-2.
Week Fourteen: absolutely critical, must-win game that will have
hu-yuge wildcard ramifications for both teams.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Chiefs 28, Colts 21. Chiefs 8-5, 7-3, 3-2.
Week Fifteen: given what remains, Chiefs can lose this tough
roadie, and still be in decent shape to at least be a wildcard. If they want to win the division, they’ll
have to steal this one against the defending NFC East champions – on the
road. Fun little stat? Chiefs are 2-0 all time at FedEx, winning in
a rout in 2001, and barely squeaking one out in 2009.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Redskins 24, Chiefs 21. Chiefs 8-6, 7-3, 3-2.
Week Sixteen: the second easiest game on the schedule, and without
question, the easiest home game. Chiefs
likely have to sweep the final homestand against two horrible, rebuilding
teams, to reach the postseason.
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Chiefs 28, Browns 6. Chiefs 9-6, 8-3, 3-2.
Week Seventeen: given the Chiefs conference record, they’d likely
have tiebreaker over nearly any of the teams likely to be in the 10-6 clusterf*ck
for the sixth seed (and I’d say those teams are likely to be (2 of the 3)
Ravens, Steelers, Bengals … and the Colts, who Chiefs would hold tiebreaker
over via head-to-head result).
Prediction Five Months Too Early: at Chiefs 31, raiders 14. Chiefs 10-6, 9-3, 4-2.
* The Ending Thought.
Based on the off-season changes so far – both player personnel, as
well as coaching and the front office – as well as our opponents, I have the
Chiefs eight wins better than they were three and a half months ago, when the
season ended in one of the worst defeats in franchise history at fake mile
high. That’s good.
But I don’t think it’s good enough. Here are denver’s opponents:
Home: Chiefs, Chargers, raiders; Eagles, Redskins; Jaguars,
Titans; Ravens.
Road: Chiefs, Chargers, raiders; Cowboys*, Giants; Texans, Colts;
Patriots.
(*: you can bet everything you own, that broncos at Cowboys, will
be the CBS 3pm Thanksgiving Day game.
Put it this way: it ain’t gonna be the raiders at Cowboys, the only
other option for the slot.)
Looking at that? I’d say
denver goes 7-1 at home (and 8-0 is extremely doable), and 5-3 on the road
(although 4-4 is probably more likely).
That’s 12-4 (I’ll say they lose
to the Ravens, Cowboys, Texans, and Patriots).
As things stand, we have two games we need to make up. Obviously, winning a game I have us losing
(I’m looking at you, at San Diego) would help, as would denver losing a game I
have them winning (hello at Indianapolis or the Giants). But that only get us tied with them at
11.
There’s still more work to do.
The breakdown isn’t lying. We
have to find two more wins. It’s like
that scene in “Apollo 13”, when Ken Mattingly keeps coming up four amps short,
to get the mission back to earth.
The Chiefs need those four amps, those two wins, to come from
somewhere. (bert blyleven voice) Circle
me biased, but I got faith in John Dorsey, “Fat” Andy Reid, and the new
scouting department, to find them …
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