Friday, March 8, 2013

the glossary


"Well here we are again.
I guess it must be fate.
We've tried it on our own,
But deep inside we've known,
We'd be back to set things straight.

I still remember when,
Your kiss was still brand new.
Every memory?  Repeats.
Every step I take?  Retreats.
Every journey always leads me back to you.

And after all the stops and starts?
We keep coming back to these two hearts --
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall!

And after all that we've been through?
It all comes down to me and you!
I guess it's meant to be --
Forever.  You and me.

After all ..."

-- "After All" by Cher and Peter Cetera.  Yes, this is (allard baird voice) WITHOUT QUESTION, the worst opening lyrics I have ever chosen for a post on this site.  Which is why, if you read this post through, you'll "get" why I chose this song -- hell, every song I've ever chosen -- to open a post on this site ...

---------------------------------

I’ve been meaning to do this post for awhile.  The Stevo's Site Numero Dos Glossary! 

Lots of folks* have asked “who is “insert nickname here”, or “why do you always use that quote all the time” or “why use that person’s voice”?”  Fair, serious, legitimate inquiries.  Now, your wait is over – I’m giving y’all what you’ve asked for, demanded, done everything short of march on my humble abode with pitchforks, torches, and nooses.

Here we go!

(*: by “lots”, I mean “virtually noone”.  Just to clarify.)

Should note up front: this will be a living, breathing document.  I’ll update it as you all remind me of all the awesome stuff I forgot … or as I remember it.  I’ll link to this on the right side of the page for eternity.

Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Voices.

If you regularly read this site, you will notice that I assign a “voice” to a lot of quotes I use.  Here is the reason why these people’s voices routinely appear in my posts.

* Joe Biden Voice. 

Who?  He’s the Vice President of the United States, a gaffe machine, a legitimately certifiable moron.  In other words, a smart asses dream. 

Why?  Because he’s always, always saying something so unbelievably stupid, I can’t resist.

Meaning?  If I use the (Joe Biden voice), I’m probably about to state something incredibly stupid, or outright laughable.

* Tony Bruno Voice.

Who?  The best sports talk show host in the history of the medium.  He built ESPN Radio from the ground up, launched FOX Sports radio, where he and Andrew Siciliano (of  NFL Sunday Ticket fame) hosted “The Tony Bruno Morning Extravaganza”, the greatest show in radio history.  He currently hosts a morning show in Philadelphia (he quit his national gig to move home to care for his ailing mother).

Why?  Because the man is one of the funniest guys on the radio.  From “Porn Star Pigskin Prognostications”, to Pat O’Brien’s daily TV rundown / recap, to Miss Austin’s “Update Desk”, it’s good stuff.

Meaning?  Hauled out when I either am giving an updated status on life, a updated status on an ongoing project, whenever I use his favorite phrase “tomfoolery and hijinks”, or whenever I use the words “pole-axed” or “boatraced”, both phrases he coined.

* The Great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner Voice.

Who?  If you don’t know who Hugh Hefner is, God help you.

Why?  Because the quote I always use his voice for, is one of the funniest moments in sitcom history, from the “What a Day For a Daydream” episode of “Roseanne”.

Meaning?  The quote was originally used during Roseanne’s dream segment in the episode, that she and Jackie were posing in Playboy for the “Winners of the Lottery” issue.  Mr. Hefner walks in on the shoot (which was every bit as tasteless, crass, and hysterical as you can imagine, and yes – Roseanne, in a bikini, laying in a tub full of money?  Surprisingly funny.  Anyways, Mr. Hefner walks in, looks at the photos, and declares “this is going to be something REALLY special!”  I just love that quote.

* The Voice of Reason Voice.

Who?  One of my best friends (we’ll get to him in the People chapter).

Why?  Because nobody, and I mean nobody, states the obvious like The Voice of Reason.

Meaning?  Whenever I want to point out the obvious, or the can’t deny it reality of something I’m writing about.

* Dusty Voice.

Who?  One of my best friends (we’ll get to him in the People chapter).

Why?  Because he’s occasionally so, uuh, how to put this delicately … “not all there”, that at my old job, where we worked together, we called that special state only he could go to, “Dustyland”.  (We'll get to that, in the Places chapter.)

Meaning?  When something absolutely ludicrous is stated.  Or, to state one of the many words he either made up, or botched the meaning of.  The most famous of these being “criminitely” for only God knows what, “grouse” for gross, or vigina, which I think he meant vagina, but only God knows.  I love ya dude.

* John Davidson Voice.

Who?  He hosted “That’s Incredible”, an incredibly crappy early reality show from the late 1970s / early 1980s.

Why?  Whenever I want to use the words “ that's incredible!”

Meaning?  Simply to highlight how incredible something is.

* Fidelity Ad Guy Voice.

Who?  A white guy from an early 2000s commercial for Fidelity Investments, which in retrospect really is one of the most subvertively racist ads of all time.  White guy teaches highly educated, wealthy black chick he decides to share a cab with about rollovers.  Trust me – it’s racist, and it’s hilarious.

(And, sadly, not available on Youtube!  You'll just have to take my word for it.)

Why?  Because there’s two great lines this guy gets off, the first being when, after fighting the woman for the cab, she offers to share it with him … and the second being when he’s explaining 401k 101 to her in an absolutely insulting, patronizing manner.  Trust me, peoples and peepettes – it’s golden.

Meaning?  I love subvertively racists ads?

* Sgt. Rick Hunter Voice.

Who?  Sergeant Rick Hunter was a LAPD detective, played to perfection over seven years by Fred Dryer on the late 1980s NBC hit drama “Hunter”.

Why?  Because it’s one of the greatest one liners of all time.

Meaning?  Only used when the phrase “it works for me” is quoted.

* Mr. William Grigsby Voice.

Who?  Bill Grigsby was a former broadcaster for the Kansas City Chiefs for decades, and was well known for his healthy appetite for alcohol.  Sadly, Mr. Grigsby is no longer with us, but yes, the statue built in his honor in Parkville (he was known as “The Prince of Parkville”), does show him enjoying a libation.

Why?  Because the man never met a commercial he didn’t shill out for, and he never met a person he didn’t consider to be a friend.

Meaning?  Used quite a bit in any post regarding the Kansas City Chiefs, alcohol*, strip clubs, or New Orleans.  Favorite words and phrases this voice gets used for include “libations”, “Prrrrrrrrrice Chopper”, and the line that forced the Chiefs to (finally) sorta, kinda demote him from the broadcast, “how the f*ck are ya?”**  Other great ones are “don’t take it out on the dog”, “beeeeeeeyutiful baby!”, “Leonardo”, and my favorite memory of him, when he told a group of Chiefs fans outside an adult entertainment establishment in Nashville that “I hope we beat those f*ckers!”.  You are missed sir.

(*: the Voice of Reason’s mom, and this is a solid 15, 20 years ago, was heading up a charity event at St. Joseph’s.  Our Ol’ Pardner arrived at 8:45am, already three sheets to the wind, and his first question was where the cash bar was.  God I miss that man.)

(**: yes, he really did say this, live, during a pregame interview in 2003.)

* Trick Daddy Voice.

Who?  A sh*tty rapper who had one big hit in the mid 2000s.

Why?  Because it makes a common, everyday phrase more memorable.

Meaning?  Used whenever the phrase “let’s go” is quoted.

* Paul Page Voice.

Who?  An absolutely atrocious broadcaster who somehow was ABC / ESPN’s Voice of the IRL for well over a decade.

Why?  To make a common, everyday phrase more memorable.

Meaning?  Used whenever the phrase “Whoa!” is quoted.  And yes, I know – this should be the Joey Lawrence voicebut Paul Page’s “WHOA!” is just that much more funny*.

(*: this is an outright lie ... and outright truth.  Kenny Brack is my favorite motorsports driver of all time.  I cannot tell you how shook up I was by this crash -- I was 100% certain he was dead.  On the other hand, Paul Page out of nowhere, is that damned funny.  And yes -- Tomas "Crash" Scheckter caused the wreck, a man who was once called an idiot by his owner, after he wrecked said owner out of a race at Texas.  (Sadly, no Youtube! link exists ... but it has to be the only time an owner has fired a driver, on live television, during a race.  The IRL!  God, I miss it!))

* (Insert Musician Here) Voice.

Who?  The artist who sang the words I am about to quote.

Why?  Because I believe in giving credit, where credit is due … and because it makes a common, everyday phrase more memorable. 

Meaning?  To get you to think of the song.  (More on this in the “Not Quite Frequently Asked Questions" chapter.)

* Linda Richman Voice.

Who?  A character from the late 1980s / early 1990s on Saturday Night Live, played by Mike Myers.

Why?  Because it was the funniest recurring sketch SNL did during that period.  Other than Massive Head Wound Harry and the Sweeney Sisters, of course.  (Yes, I skipped the Church Lady.  Never liked her.)

Meaning?  Whenever I want to give you the reader an opportunity to think of an answer to a question I just asked.  Ms. Richman would always “give her audience a topic” when she got verklempt.  Example of this is “Rhode Island is neither a road or an island, discuss”.

* Rascal Flatts Voice.

Who?  A highly successful country group with a number of massive smash hits.

Why?  Because one hit stands above them all, pun intended.

Meaning?  Anytime the Chiefs or Jayhawks or (insert team I root for here) has it’s season on the line, back to the wall, do or die … you will get “Stand” by Rascal Flatts as the theme song for the post.  More on why music factors into every post, in the “Not Quite” Frequently Asked Questions chapter.

Chapter 2: Places.

Every great detail of life, deserves a nickname.  I am convinced of this, whether it be a person, or a place.  Here are the places that have (or still do) matter to me quite a bit.

* “Outback Steakhouse”.

What It’s A Nickname For?  The Outhouse, an adult entertainment establishment on 15th Street, in unincorporated Douglas County, Kansas.

Why The Nickname?  Because when we’d come home for the summer from college and wanted to hit up the Outhouse, you don’t exactly tell you folks “yeah, we’re gonna go blow $200 at a strip club, so don’t wait up!”

Lasting Impact?  To this day, whenever myself or a friend head to that wonderful run-down shack, we still refer to going to the Outback.  

* “The First Church of Arrowhead”.

What It’s A Nickname For?  Arrowhead Stadium, the home of the Kansas City Chiefs.

Why The Nickname?  The Voice of Reason and his father came up with it, to justify attending a playoff game on the Sabbath back in the 1990s.

Lasting Impact?  It still gets referenced from time to time … and face it, Chiefs games are like a holy religious experience, so it still works.

* Stubbs.

What It’s A Nickname For?  It’s not.  I lived with The Champ on Stubbs for two years.

Why The Nickname?  Because everyone simply called it “Stubbs”.  Plus, the name “Stubbs” is funny.  Not quite “dingy” funny, but close.

Lasting Impact?  Noone who ever stepped foot in Stubbs, looks back on it with regret.  Fun, fun place in its day.

* The Couch.

What It’s A Nickname For?  It’s not.  It’s the humongous six person couch we had on Stubbs.  Best $50 we ever spent in that house, that wasn’t for an illegal controlled substance.

Why The Nickname?  Because like receiving nickname status on this site, The Couch was reserved for only the best of the best.  And “Deadbeat Ex Roommate”.  More on him in the next chapter.

Lasting Impact?  There isn’t a time those of us who knew that place well, get together and reminisce, that “The Couch” isn’t fondly mentioned.  Many, many a good night on that thing.

* “Dustyland”.

What It’s A Nickname For?  Because The Champ, on occasion, zones out, and his responses when he does, are so damned wacky (and hilarious), that our buddy Brett gave him his own nation: Dustyland.

Why The Nickname: because “is he freaking retarded?” seemed a bit cruel.  Hence his own nation.

Lasting Impact: Still used affectionately to this day, whenever the Champ writes or says something so incoherent, so non-sensical, that we know he’s gone to that (keane voice) somewhere only he knows.

* The Pool.

What It’s A Nickname For?  It’s not.  It’s where I hang out all summer, along with some of you.

Why The Nickname?  (fidelity ad voice) Why not?

Lasting Impact?  It’s been an integral part of my summers since Double Header Day 2003 (see Chapter 4), when while exiting Arrowhead in 105 degree heat at 10:30pm, my Second Parents asked if I needed a pool for the next day.  Been going back most summer weekends ever since.

Chapter 3: People.

This chapter will be the most fun, because only the best of the best get coveted nickname status on this site.  Both to protect the innocent … and most of the time, the guilty.

* The Voice of Reason.

Who?  My buddy Gregg.

How Met?  Freshman year of high school, we were running competing gambling pools in study hall.  Rather than cannibalize the market, we combined our pools, and have been amongst the best of friends, ever since.

Why This Nickname(s)?  Because he is my voice of reason, the person I rely on when I have no idea what to do in a situation.  I trust his judgment better than anyone else I know.

True Story?  Gregg and Donnie Edwards were players entrance buddies for at least three years, from 1999-2001 (when the Chiefs stupidly let him leave as a free agent).  But it extended beyond a simple handshake to start the day – in 2000, Donnie stunned Gregg (and me) at Red Friday when he came up to us, warmly greeted Gregg, and complimented him on his sister’s paper.  Uuh, what paper?  Turns out, his sister had written a paper for school on his and Donnie’s relationship (and how unhealthy all of our addiction to the Chiefs was, in her eyes).  Donnie then topped that reveal – he waited until Christmas, but gave Gregg a pair of game used gloves at the final home game that season. 

True Story 2?  I came up with the 59S BOY personalized licence plate Gregg had on the old Accord.  Dude was (and no doubt still is) a hard core Donnie Edwards fan.

* bts.

Who?  My buddy Brent.

How Met?  He lived next door to Gregg their first two years of college, and then were roommates the last two years at KU.

Why This Nickname(s)?  Because he and Gregg shared a computer all the way through college, and they’d differentiate whose files were whose by putting their initials at the front of every file name. 

True Story?  I’m not going to type it on this site, but it was at their roommate Matt’s wedding, when he spotted four people sitting together at a table, at the reception.  Let’s just say, it’s the second funniest one-liner I’ve ever heard at a wedding reception in my life.  And there wasn’t a guy in the room, that wasn’t jealous as holy hell, that the one-liner, was in fact true.

* The Champ.

Who?  My buddy Dusty.

Also Known As?  The Kid.

How Met?  When he was hired at my former employer back in 2002.

Why This Nickname(s)?  The Champ comes from his tendency to call everyone “champ”, a trait he and Vice President Biden share in common.  The Kid because, well, he’s four years younger than me.

True Story?  He does not eat any form of white sauce, be it alfredo, mayo, ranch.

True Story 2?  He was so scared to ask his (now) wife out on a first date (to our company winter party), that he asked me to do it for him.  I declined.  Sorry Champ – you had to earn her yourself.  And you did.

* The Chica.

Who?  My friend Kellie, Dusty’s wife.

Also Known As?  Boasheao.

How Met?  October 1, 2008, at the old King Louie Bowling alley.

Why This Nickname(s)?  Because calling her “girl” wasn’t good enough … and Boasheao because of the story inside this link.  (It’s lengthy, but it’s in there.)

True Story?  She interviewed me, before she’d agree to Dusty’s request, to join us at the Mid-Winter Blues Party.  Gotta admit – it was the easiest interview of my life.

* Tony Gonzalez.

Who?  My college roommate Frank.

How Met?  We worked together our first two years in school, then were roommates our last two years of college.

Why This Nickname(s)? Because while we were on a drunken bender one night, The Voice of Reason decided that Frank looked like Tony Gonzalez.  To Gregg’s credit, he did.  Dude was good looking, Hispanic, and a workout / exercise freak.

True Story?  We never had a table or chairs in our apartment.  Why, you ask?  Because Frank used our dining room for all his exercise equipment.

* Cocoa Vineet.

Who?  My college roommate Vineet.

How Met?  Roommates my freshman, junior, and sophomore senior years of college.

Why This Nickname?  Because one night, we were sitting on the couch, and Frank noticed that Vineet “looked a lot like the monkey on the Cocoa Puffs box”.  (Note: alcohol and/or a medicinally legal product may have been involved.)  For the rest of the time we lived in Lake Arlington, the “Cocoa Vineet” cereal box was on top of the TV stand.


* The Perpetual Intern.

Who?  My buddy Anthony.

How Met?  He was the perpetual intern at my former employer.

Why This Nickname?  Because he interned there for at least five years, during breaks from school.

True Story?  He married a great girl, whose maiden last name was Cool.  I’ve always thought that was, uuh, cool.

* The Crush.

Who?  My friend Megan.

How Met?  unofficially, when she and Dusty went on a date to a Chiefs preseason game using a couple extras I had … but officially, she is Dusty’s ex.

Why This Nickname?  Jesus, do I REALLY have to explain it?

True Story?  Other than me, she’s the biggest “Lost” fan I know.  We even planned (and executed) a whole theme party for the premiere in 2008, right down to the Polar Ice and Skyy vodka.  (If you’re a fan of the show, you’ll get it.  If not, subscribe to Netflix and see what you missed out on.)

* The Ex.

Who?  My “best female friend”, Katie.

How Met?  October 1, 2008, at the old King Louie bowling alley.

Why This Nickname?  Jesus, do I REALLY have to explain it?

True Story?  For Christmas a couple years ago, I went to Bath and Body Works to get her favorite lotion / hand cream / whatever.  And for the life of me, I could not remember what it was.  But I knew the smell.  So … oh hell yes, I had to “try” several different ones before realizing it was that Japanese blossom stuff.  (I know it’s a purple bottle.  Progress!)

True Story 2?  I forget what round it was, but I know it was Kris Allen’s season on “Idol”.  We were finishing up watching “Idol” off the DVR, and Seacrest mentioned something about Paula Abdul hawking something on HSN that night.  Since we were behind (“Idol” airs on bowling night), I fired up the TV in the bedroom … and I swear to God, it was the funniest 90 minutes I’ve ever watched when I wasn’t baked.  Pauler was so loopy, the merchandise was so crappy, and caller after caller after caller kept complimenting these $12 necklaces, $5 earrings, it was just hilarious.  At least to us.

* Jasson.

Who?  My buddy Jason.

How Met?  In high school.  He was Gregg’s best friend.

Why This Nickname?  Because the dude can’t spell to save his ass.

True Story?  Jasson is so ingrained in those of us who know him well … that when Katie met him for the first time, she actually thought Jasson was his name.  God, this one stands the test of time, for sure!

True Story 2?  He got his name because on the dry-erase board at their apartment in college, he always used double consonants on everything.  “Papper plates” was always my favorite.

* Doc.

Who?  My buddy Damien.

How Met?  He was/is Dusty’s best friend.

Why This Nickname?  Because he’s the smartest guy in the room.  Oh, yeah, and he’s a doctor.

True Story?  When the Champ was off in Dustyland one time, and sent an email out that said “that’s grouse!” (instead of gross), his response was an all time classic.  “First of all, a grouse is a bird …”  That email was sent within 15 seconds of Dusty’s initial reply … which means he knew off the top of his head, that a grouse is a bird.  I told you he’s the smartest guy in the room.

* Deadbeat Ex Roommate.

Who?  My former roommate Ben.

How Met?  We worked together at my former employer.

Why This Nickname?  Because in the eleven months I lived with him and the Champ, he not only never paid a full month’s worth of rent, I paid all his bills. 

True Story?  He was forcibly evicted on March 31, 2008, after failing to make rent yet again.  The Champ and I even bought all new deadbolt locks and a new downstairs door to keep him out until he showed up with a U-Haul.  He gets home that night at about 11:30pm, figuring we’d already gone to bed and he’d sneak in.  Nuh huh.  He tried to open the front door, and stunner – his key no longer worked.  I finally let him in, pointed to the dry erase board on the fridge, and told him to make his choice: move out now all night long, or come back on Saturday for his stuff.  He wasn’t staying there one night longer.  Then he cried.  (Pause.)  That was a good day, in a completely awful way.

True Story 2?  He is a good dude, in all seriousness.  He’s just a deadbeat who owes me hundreds of dollars, and the Champ thousands.

* Summer.

Who?  No, not Seth Cohen’s girlfriend / eventual wife on “The OC” … and not Zooey Deschanel’s character in the awesome flick “500 Days of Summer”.  Nope, this is the stage name, at Bonita Flatts, of a girl I graduated high school with.

How Met?  In a prior life, in high school.  In this context, after deciding, when Harpo’s ran out of beer on quarter draw night, that we needed to hit up a strip club on the way home.

Why This Nickname?  Trust me, people – there is NOTHING more awkward, than getting a lap dance from someone you went to school with, but never dated.  Other than enjoying it, I suppose.

True Story?  Yes, this is.  My brother, The Voice of Reason, and I can all confirm it.

* My Second Parents.

Who?  My seatmates at Arrowhead, Russ and Mona.

How Met?  By being a season ticket holder with a seat next to them.

Why This Nickname?  Because they truly are, my second parents ... and I'm the son they never had.

True Story?  Russ drives our tailgating bus to each Chiefs home game.  We haven't had to resort to this in a couple years ... but on those rare occasions the parking nazis try to charge us double for being a Bus ... there is exactly $29.00 -- in pennies -- to pay the parking attendant for the double charge with.

(If I missed anyone … this is a living, breathing document.  B*tch me out, and I’ll add ya.)

Chapter 4: Events.

A few events have achieved legendary status.  Here they are:

* Double Header Day.

What?  Two sporting events in one day.


Why The Nickname?  Because they both were that epic.

Favorite Moment(s)?  Without question, in 2003, when (and granted, it was 105 degrees) my brother and my uncle come walking up the lot to our tailgate, both shirtless, hauling a cooler loaded with booze between them.  They set the thing down, then my uncle opens it up, pulls out an Army issue tin cup, and a bottle of Jim Beam.  After everyone is staring at him … he realizes he’s done something wrong.  So he puts away the cup, and just starts drinking straight out of the bottle.  My family everyone!!!

* “Sunday Mass”.

What?  A Sunday Royals tailgate / day game.

When?  Many, many times, my friends.  Many, many times.

Why The Nickname?  Because both me and my late buddy James’ families are devout Church goers, and they were never happy that Sunday home games in the summer meant drinking early in the parking lot.  So (like with the “First Church of Arrowhead” above), we created the lie that we were, in fact, going to a religious service.  God above, parents can be so gullible sometimes.

Favorite Moment(s)?  Fathers Day 2003, the single funnest, most enjoyable Royals game I’ve ever attended.  Me, my dad, my brother, and my late buddy James.  Jose Lima’s Royals debut.  My dad’s classic one liner to my question of “what do you want out of Lima today?” – “fewer runs than innings pitched.  (Pause.)  Hey, a guy can dream!”  Barry Bonds hitting it off the roof of the old right field GA concession stand.  And Joe Randa’s 0-2, 2 out, 2 run double, to win the game 5-4.  The Royals would go from there to eventually build as much as a 7 ½ game lead, before collapsing in September.  Still, good times!

Chapter 5: Quotes.

These are silly sayings, hilarious statements, and memorable one liners that to this day, continue to make everyone laugh out loud, or smile fondly at the memory(s) they bring back.

* “Dingy!”

From?  The Voice of Reason.

Why?  Because it’s the funniest word in the English language.

Hilarity Scale?  5 out of 10.  Not shabby … but not overly memorable.

* “You can never go wrong with monkeys and/or midgets!”

From?  Either Jasson or The Voice of Reason, I forget which.  If I had to bet, I’d bet Jasson.

Why?  Because it’s true!  You cast a monkey and/or a midget into ANYTHING, and hilarity will ensue.

Hilarity Scale?  10 out of 10.  Seriously – monkeys!  Midgets!  What could possibly be funnier than that?

* “Shut up, and NO!”

Why?  I made some joke about Mallory being passed out in DJ’s bed, and how I was the hottest guy at the party, and this was Dusty’s instant classic one liner to both of my comments.  (Yes, alcohol and/or a controlled substance was involved.)

Hilarity Scale?  10 out of 10.  It brought the house down that night.  And it’s still perfectly timed at least three or four times a year by the Champ.

* “I’m the only guy noone in this league wanted, and you had to ask me twice to join your team!”

From?  Me, regarding my bowling league team this year.

Why?  Because my team quit on me 36 hours before the season began … after I’d turned down an invite six weeks earlier, to join the team I (thankfully) landed on.

Hilarity Scale?  3 out of 10.  It’s funny if you’re a Slave, but that’s about it’s only meaningful purpose.  Oh, yeah – it pisses the hell out of Dusty, every time one of us Slaves, say it.  Make that 6 out of 10, on second thought.  J

* “I knew he was serious about her, when he started turning his 1’s into 5’s.”

From?  My brother’s best friend Sam, in his speech at my brother’s wedding reception.

Why?  It’s the single greatest one liner I’ve ever heard in my life.  It brought the house down.  Those of us on stage were literally crying, from laughing so hard.

Hilarity Scale?  11 out of 10.  10 of the 11 just for working a strip club reference into the toast … and the extra 1, because I had to explain to my mom, what that one liner meant.  (joe biden voice) Folks, there ain’t much more awkward than explaining a strip club joke to your mom! 

Hey, speaking of the Vice President …

* “And I’m told that uuh, that uuh, uuh, Chuck Graham, state senator is here.  Chuck?  Stand up Chuck, let me see ya.  (Pauses as he realizes Chuck is in a wheelchair.)  Oh.  God love ya, what am I talking about?  I tell you what, you’re making everybody else stand up though pal!  Stand up for Chuck!  (Approaches Chuck, tries to shake his hand, then realizes that in addition to no legs, Mr. Graham has no hands.)  Good to see ya pal!  (Pause).  You can tell I’m new …”

From?  Vice President Biden, September 2008.


Hilarity Scale?  10 out of 10.  The Vice President told a cripple to stand up!  And somehow, recovered from his gaffe, and made it an even funnier moment with his “you can tell I’m new” comment!  (Mr. Biden was in his 36th year as a United States Senator, when this comment was made.) 

* “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.  (Pause.)  Especially if my name was crackers!”

From?  I believe, the late, great Randall Carlyle Wakefield.

Why?  Because it’s funny … and it brings back memories of the good times.  And the bad.

Hilarity Scale?  7 out of 10.

* “You let him drive?!?!?!?!”

From?  Our waitress at The Quaff, the Friday before Labor Day, 2003 … and my buddy Phil, as he returned to the table shortly before the waitress came over.

Why?  Because it was said about me.  I was so freaking hammered at 3 in the afternoon (hooray short Fridays), that I fell down twice walking to the bathroom to pee, then decided “screw it, I’m going home”.  Somehow, I made it.  In a related development, I HATE The Quaff.  Or more specifically, that place hates me.  Nothing good ever happens there.

Hilarity Scale?  0 out of 10 for my idiotic decision, 8 out of 10 for the dual reaction.

* “Cracked?”

From?  Peter Griffin, in the “I Dream of Jesus” episode of “Family Guy”.

Why?  Because it’s the best episode “Family Guy” has ever done … and the punch line afterwards is killer.

Hilarity Scale?  9 out of 10.  Truth be told, it’s starting to get played out.

(And sorry, Voice of Reason, but this one …)

* “WHY?”

From?  The Voice of Reason’s sister.

Why?  To protect the guilty, I will just say, they had a minor disagreement once upon a time.

Hilarity Scale?  10 out of 10.  If you knew the story, you’d laugh your ass off, trust me.  This one is just between Mr. Reason and I, though.  And it NEVER gets old.

Chapter 6: Regular Posts

If you peruse the site, you’ll notice that there are some themes that tend to appear more than once.  Here’s your guide to them.

* The Fake Mailbag.

What?  A blatant ripoff of The Sports Guy’s real mailbag column at espn.com and grantland.com.  I answer “real readers questions” regarding current events, and other assorted topics.

Why?  Because it lets me cover a lot of topics at once … and it gives you a “voice” on this site.  If I post a “question” from you, consider yourself loved.

How This Works?  Truthfully, only about half the questions are fake.  The rest are memorable emails or conversations that I make a note of, and then respond to, once enough of them pile up.

How Many?  Approximately 10 so far, the first of which appeared in July 2009, the most recent of which, was the first post in 2013.

* The Annual Column.

What?  My annual “thank you” / shoutout column to my friends, family, and various other people, who make life worth living.

Why?  Because I am nothing, without you.

How This Works?  I open by thanking my folks for failing to use protection way back in March 1976 (something they no doubt regret every day) … and it goes from there.


* Stevo Style Commentaries.

What?  I read an article and/or television segment that so enrages me, I have to respond to it, tearing it to pieces, line by line, paragraph by paragraph.

Why?  Because idiocy deserves to be recognized as idiocy.

How This Works?  I quote the article, then respond.  Usually hilariously.

How Many?  I’d guess 10-15, the most recent of which was in July 2012, when I “responded” to Rep.Mike McGhee’s ridiculous proposed prayer amendment to the Missouri constitution.  (It failed, almost 80-20.)

* The Live Blog.

What?  It’s a live blog.  I watch an event, and react live.

Why?  Because it’s fun.  At least prior to Cover It Live charging by the reader.

How This Works?  You log onto this site, and hit the F5 button to refresh my live reactions.  You interact with me via email, Yahoo! IM, text messaging, or the comments section, and a healthy dialogue breaks out.

How Many?  Probably close to 30. 

True Story?  The live blog is why this site was started – instead of emailing my reactions to the 2008 political conventions, I opted to just cover them live.  I did the same thing each night in 2012, as well as for various sporting events, “Idol” episodes, and political speeches and debates.

* The Recap.

What?  If an event in my life occurs that I believe is worth remembering, or it’s a Chiefs home game, I recap every detail of it as best I can remember, usually within 24 hours of the event occurring.

Why?  Because sometimes, life is meant to be shared.

How This Works?  I live it, you read it.  And usually, at least a few people who read it, lived it too.

How Many?  I’d guess at least 10% of the posts on this site, are a recap of some kind.

* Mixology.

What?  The playlist for whatever event demands music be present – usually a Chiefs game, but occasionally a float trip or some other event.

Why?  Because I have two jobs for Chiefs tailgating – create the playlist, and come up with the creative, never tried before alcoholic drink for the home opener. 

How This Works?  I solicit suggestions from the folks I know will be attending said tailgate or event, and attempt to create a healthy mix, in which all parties involved, over a typical three hour tailgating span, will hear at least 2-3 songs they suggested and wanted to hear.  And that includes me as well.

How Many?  For all ten games this year.  I’ve been creating the playlist each week for four years now, I just never posted them beforehand, until this year.

* The World's Longest NCAA Predictions Post.

What?  My NCAA tournament picks post, usually up within 36 hours of Selection Sunday.

Why?  Because anytime you get to rip on Duke, Mizzou, and KSU in the same post, you HAVE to do it.

How This Works?  I drop a boatload of inappropriate gay (Duke), farm (KSU -- and remember, you can't spell skunk without k, s, and u), and mental retardation (Mizzou) jokes ... and give you how my main bracket will be submitted into the Voice of Reason's pool that he runs.  Normally, I am amongst the upper 90% entering the Sweet 16 ... and drawing dead by the Final Four.  But I did win the pool in 2010, when I was the only person who took Duke, to win it all (out of 94 entrants).

How Many?  At least four.  With number five coming next week.

Chapter 7: “Not Quite Frequently Asked Questions”.

Have you ever wondered why I write the way I do?  Why I have the interests I do?  Why I name certain things the way I do?  Hopefully, I’ll answer your questions, in this final chapter of the glossary.

* “Why do you give out nicknames to your friends?”

For three reasons:

1. Anyone can call you by your given name.  You mean more to me, than a simple name – you mean enough to be recognized for the special person you are.

2. Face it – everyone wants to be appreciated enough, to get a nickname from their buddy.  And

3. I try to be honest about events that occur, but I understand – and totally respect – people’s desire for privacy.  It’s why you will rarely, if ever, see your last name on this site, and I will usually refer to you by a nickname, if I have one for you.  YOU know it’s you I’m talking about.  Your boss, your wife, your kids, your co-workers, your family, doesn’t necessarily know that.  It’s a show of respect, as well as admiration.

* “Why Mixology?  What gives with naming the playlist, uuh, Mixology?”

For two reasons:

1. It’s a musical mix.  And

2. It’s a tribute to my favorite “Big Brother” contestant ever, Memphis, who rather than listing his profession as “bartender”, made CBS note on every diary room shot that he was a “mixologist”.  I love that word. So I swiped it.

* “Why do you put “palooza” at the end of every road trip or adventure?”

This actually was a real question, that the Champ posed to me.  Apparently he’s not a fan of the word “palooza”.  Well, I am.  It lends credence to an event.  Anyone can say “I went on a float trip.”  But you go on a “floatapalooza”?  It sounds neater.

And it’s also a tribute to “Old School”, for the Mitchapalooza that got Mitch back in the game.

* “Why does your team names and screen names for nearly everything in life, involve the word “tito”?”

This actually was also a real question, posed by The Ex.

The answer, is two fold.  One, at least in the mid to late 1990s, “tito” was slang in El Paso and Juarez for “lazy Mexican”.  (joe biden voice) Folks!  There ain’t NOBODY lazier than me!  Although I am not Hispanic.

And two, it’s a tribute to my college roommate Frank, who used the term constantly, and taught me its meaning.  Unlike me, he was Hispanic, so I figured if he could say it, so could I. 

And for the record, the “team” part of my screen names, is just because, and the “15” is a tribute to my favorite baseball player of all time, Carlos Beltran.

* “Why do you always refer to your rooting interest in a game or a competition as “my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken?  What does the rubber chicken have to do with anything?”

Well, let’s take this one at a time:

Puppy: because you can wager at a dog track, on your favorite dog, to win.
Pony: because you can wager at a horse track, on your favorite horse, to win.
Rooster: because you can wager at an (illegal) cock fight, for your favorite rooster, to win.

The rubber chicken?  Because dogs love rubber chickens, and I’d guess horsies and roosters would too, so it gives them some skin in the game.

Plus, I just like rubber chickens.

* “What post has the most page views?”

That would be this one, the recap of the Chiefs / Panthers game from December 2, 2012, that I’d argue (if I hadn’t recapped the game – that was a mistake in hindsight, it drags down the power of the post overall), would be this site’s finest hour.  I honestly have never hated, and loved, a post, more than that one.  

For the record, as of March 8, 2013, there is no other post with shouting distance page views, of that one, on this site.

* What post is your favorite post?”

That would be this one … and I don’t envision that changing anytime soon.

* “What post is your saddest post?”

That would be this one … and I pray that never changes, ever.

* What’s your biggest regret as a blogger, dude?”

That I lost so many old emails from when I worked at Transamerica, and had my home email account with Road Runner.  I lost almost a decade’s worth of Chiefs game recaps, road trips, and Stevo Style article breakdowns.

* “OK, so why do you open every column pretty much with the lyrics from a song?  I don’t get it.  Why link music into pretty much every post you, uuh, post?”

And this question, I’ve been asked by more than one person.

And for every edition of The Glossary, this will be the closing “Not Quite Frequently Asked Question”.

Because music is the greatest story telling device known to man.

I try, for each post, to pick a song that ties into the theme of the post – it could be something that provides a roadmap of where I plan to go; it could be something that conjures up the funniest moment of the recap, it could be because of a link to a certain location, whatever. 

I don’t care how cheezy the song is, I only care that it sets the mood.  For example, take the opening lyrics to this post.  If "After All" is not THE cheeziest song EVER recorded, it's at least in the Final Four discussion.

I can wait.

(Pause.)

And ... time.

It fits, doesn't it?  Seriously, if you don't get it, read the lyrics again.  It's cool, just scroll back up to the top, and then scroll back down to the finish.

Because after all the crap, the fun, the tomfoolery and hijinks; the everyday events, and the moments that define a lifetime; the games that mean nothing, the games that change a franchise's destiny -- when it's all said and done?  

This site is you and me.  

(OK, fine, mostly me.  )

But I ain't sh*t without you.  It's why this site is here.

You're why this site is here.

Because ...

After all that we've been through?
It all comes down to me and you!
I guess it's meant to be,
Forever -- you and me,
After all.

(c) March 8, 2013, version 1.0, Stevo Productions.  No Rights Reserved; Plagarize Away.

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