“If
I bent,
Like
you said was best?
Would
that change a thing?
If
I spent
Myself
‘til nothing’s left --
Would
you still leave me here?
So sorry about it all?
Now
that it’s over?
Should
I thank you for that dear?
You're so
sorry about it all?
Then
I hope you’ll always be! …
…
So good night! And farewell!
Is
this everything you wanted?
Is
this everything you wanted?
Good
night! Farewell!
Is
this everything you wanted?
Everything
you wanted now?
You’re
so sorry about it all!?!?!?
Now
that it’s over!?!?!?
Should
I thank you for that dear?
So
sorry about it all!?!?!?
Well
then I hope you’ll always be --
I
hope you’ll always be!!!! …”
--
“Bent” by Matt Nathanson. I picked it for more than one obvious reason, only one of which you'd think ...
--------------------
Well,
peoples and peepettes, if the (very overdue and not even remotely finished yet)
"Annual Column" is my favorite post to write each year, then this one
is the worst. Because the only reason,
the only way, this post can possibly, uuh, post ... is if the Chiefs season is
over.
Yes,
it's sadly time to post the Chiefs Season in Review. As I begin this, I am not sure if this will
post as one long column, or if I'll split it up into a couple sections. (Hint: at least three columns ... and probably four, as the next two weeks unfold.)
At
some point -- either in this post or in the next ones to come, you will get:
*
The Bests and Worsts of the 2015 season (This Post!)
*
Stevo’s 2016 Dream Schedule For the Chiefs (This Post!)
*
Professor Stevo's Grades for each Chiefs coach.
*
Professor Stevo's Grades for the GM and Owner.
*
Stevo's NFL Coaches Power Poll -- Offseason Ratings.
*
Professor Stevo's Grades for each Chiefs player.
*
How I Would Target the Offseason and Draft.
*
And anything else I feel like pontificating on (This Post!)
Here
we go.
--------------------
The
Bests and Worsts of the 2015 Season.
*
Best Moment: Eric Berry is introduced, vs broncos, Week Two. This doesn’t even need explanation.
*
Worst Moment: Jamaal Charles goes down, vs Bears, Week Five. Again, this doesn’t even need explanation.
*
Best Game: Chiefs 30, at Texans 0, AFC Wild Card. It's really, really tempting to put Chiefs
29, broncos 14, given my hatred of those people and especially their “fans” –
one in particular * ... but come on. If
you pick any game other than the first playoff victory in 22 years, then you
need to put down the medicinally legal herbal product and exhale.
(And
since it's pretty much the only recap you got this year, you can read my
thoughts on the victory by clicking on this link.)
*
Worst Game: Chiefs 24, broncos 31, Week Two.
Every single thing about this game sucked -- the parking nazis, the late
rally, the idiotic fumble, the heart-breaking (and AFC home field advantage
costing) defeat. I hate it when my team
loses; I hate it a million times more when the loss is to those people. Dishonorable mention to Chiefs 17, Bears 18,
Week Five.
*
Best Tailgate: vs raiders, Week Seventeen.
You only turn 39 once. (I'm working on a recap of the weekend ... along with about six other posts at this point. Bear with me! (Or skip ahead to the very end of this post, to understand why.)
To get to
do my 39th (that's what she said!) with so many of you, on a shockingly pleasant January afternoon, is damned
near about as perfect a way as I can think of, to enter the "last great
year of your existence". Honorable
mention to vs Steelers, Week Seven, which would easily be the best tailgate in
nearly any other season.
*
Worst Tailgate: vs Titans, Week Fourteen.
It rained so damned hard that the roof on the easy-ups was
collapsing. It rained so damned much
that our spot turned into a freaking lake by 9am. And standing in the rain during the game, I
caught a bad head cold that took me nearly a month to shake off for good. Let's just hope that's the last rain game we
have for a very, very long time.
Dishonorable mention to vs Browns, Week Sixteen. That's about the coldest I've ever felt at
Arrowhead. Let's all hope and pray that
bone-chilling weather never invades our fine metropolitan area again.
*
Best PR Moment: the video as Eric Berry was introduced, vs broncos Week
Two. (Note: I tried to find the link on YouTube!, and failed. I'll link when / if I find it. But I have to be honest -- a godd*mned LARGE part of me is glad, it isn't out there. It meant that f*cking much.)
The Chiefs made some serious PR
blunders this year. But they nailed this
moment. One of the very rare moments in
life when the moment exceeded the hype.
Job extremely well done with this one.
Honorable mention to whoever picks the opposing team's music as they are
introduced. Some very, very creative and
hilarious choices this year, none funnier than the Chargers taking the field to
"Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham! #laheretheycome
*
Worst PR Moment: "Crossing the Rubicon", vs broncos Week Two. To the Chiefs credit, this one blew up so
predictably and horribly in their face, that they did a complete 180 by the
next home game, and enforced no regulations for the rest of the season.
To
the Chiefs detriment? They thought
screwing over their fans, and destroying twenty plus years of tailgating
tradition, was the right thing to do.
*
Best Play, Offense: Alex Smith throws the perfect deep ball to Jeremy Maclin
for six, vs Bills Week Twelve. If ANY
play dictated the incredible, “holy f*cking sh*t, this is real, and it is
spectacular!” close to this season, this was the play.
The
Bills have just scored to take a 16-7 lead on a frigid, rainy day at Arrowhead,
in a battle between 5-5 squads tied for the two Wild Card slots, with six games
to play. After a short completion to
Jeremy Maclin, and a fortuitous pass interference call on the Bills, the Chiefs
have 1st and 10 at the Bills 41, out of the two minute warning.
Forty
one yards later, Jeremy Maclin had reeled in the deep bomb, the Chiefs had cut
the lead to a very manageable two points, and the tone was set not just for the
rest of the game (which the Chiefs won 30-22), but for the rest of the season.
*
Worst Play, Offense: Jamaal Charles' fumble, vs broncos Week Two. An inexcusable mistake to be sure ... but
also an indefensible play call in that spot.
If "Fat" Andy was content with overtime, then kneel the damned
ball and go to overtime. Don't risk your
team's season needlessly.
*
Best Play, Defense: (tie) Josh Mauga and Marcus Peters intercept derek carr, at
raiders Week Thirteen. Truth be told,
this was the game when I bought full in to what this team was selling. To go into oakland, for the biggest game that
team has played in at least five years, and not just rally to win, but to do so
by obliterating the raiders offensive line and battering derek carr was just a
thing of absolute beauty. Gun to my
head, I'd pick Mr. Mauga's play as the best ... but Mr. Peters' pick six to
seal the win is a damned close second.
*
Worst Play, Defense: Jamell Fleming gets toasted, vs denver Week Two. As indefensible as Mr. Charles' fumble a few minutes later was, giving up bomb after bomb to satan and emmanuel sanders is worse.
*
Best Play, Special Teams: Knile Davis, at Texans, AFC Wild Card. The beauty of this return is that you knew
the instant he left the goalline, he was taking it to the house. The blocking by the Chiefs’ front wall was
that damned incredible. The opening shot
of a day, and a celebration, twenty one years, three hundred fifty eight days,
in the making.
*
Worst Play, Special Teams: The 65 Yard Attempt, vs Bears Week Five. This not only was the worst play on special
teams this season, this is arguably the worst decision in franchise history. Who in the hell thought Cairo Santos
(affectionately known as "Pedro!" in Section 132) attempting a 65
yard field goal into a 40mph breeze was a smarter idea than having your $18
million quarterback attempt to complete a Hail Mary (or draw a pass interference)
to your $11 million receiver?
This
play is so wretchedly awful on so many levels, it's amazing to me that a
reasonable football mind like "Fat" Andy would even contemplate it,
let alone call for it.
(The
kick didn't even reach the 20. The wind
was that brutal.)
*
Best Development: the pure unadulterated hatred between the Chiefs and donkeys
has returned! Did you people read
Twitter, read Sam Mellinger’s report from the scene, following denver’s 20-18
victory in one of the best football games I’ve ever watched, to take the AFC
for the second time in three years **?
The utter hatred, contempt, and pure disgust and disrespect the donkeys –
especially their defense – showed to the Chiefs?
To
quote Jim Mora Jr.: “it was really neat!”
Admit
it – life is better when donkeys and Chiefs (and their fans) are ready to throw
down at the site of each other. The
sheer rage and hatred of the 1990s is back folks! Also, sorta related to this:
*
Another Best Development: you can all but guarantee that for the fourth
straight year, the Chiefs and donkeys will stage at least one of their
get-togethers in prime time. (2013 at
denver, 2014 at Kansas City, 2015 at Kansas City).
And
since there is no “Worst Development” to that last set of, uuh, developments,
and this is a natural transition stage, let’s move on to Stevo’s Dream Schedule
for the Chiefs, shall we?
--------------------
(*:
left unsaid, is my favorite moment from a tailgate this season, vs Bills Week
Twelve. It involved “The Voice of Reason”,
myself, my buddy Tyler, “bts”, and Tyler’s girlfriend (most prominently). I will just simply say, I have never embraced
pure hatred of a human being, like I did in that moment. Other than to note, I have never meant a
statement more in my life, than when I said, “I didn’t say I wouldn’t!”, in
response to “bts”’s observation of Tyler’s girlfriend.)
(**:
assuming the satanic era ends next Sunday, win or lose, for the donkeys, let’s
just acknowledge and admit the Captain Oats in the room, Chiefs fans: we would
KILL for denver’s last four years. Four
division championships. At least twelve
wins every season. Six home playoff
games (going 4-2 in those six). Two AFC
Championships. One Super Bowl defeat …
and one Super Bowl win or loss pending.
I’d
happily pay good money to watch that over four years. Christ knows I’ve paid more than great money,
to watch far, far less than that.)
-------------------
Stevo’s
Dream 2016 Chiefs Schedule.
*
Preseason:
Week
One: at Cardinals, Saturday, August 13, 7pm CT (KCTV).
Week
Two: vs Vikings, Saturday, August 20, 7pm CT (KCTV).
Week
Three: vs Packers, Saturday, August 27, 7pm CT (KCTV).
Week
Four: at Rams, Thursday, September 1, 7pm CT (KCTV).
Reasoning
/ Rationale: the only possible “Double Header Day” is Week Two. Royals host the Twins that weekend. Here’s hoping the Chiefs and Vikings work
this out; DHDII in 2003 is still one of the funnest sports days of my life.
I
kept the Rams in the last preseason slot because I honestly don’t know if our
arrangement with them was year-by-year, or a multi-year contract. Either way, it provides some closure against
those people, who I remind both Chiefs and Rams fans, won exactly ZERO games
that count, against the Chiefs in their St. Louis existence. (Chiefs W 1997, 2000, 2002, 2006, 2010, 2014.) It’s been fun guys. You’ll be missed.
*
Regular Season:
Week
One: vs oakland raiders, Sunday, September 11, noon CT (CBS). Just once, I’d like to host the raiders when
my South Dakota friends can all come in, and still enjoy the pool. Let it happen in 2016. Plus, this is a very, very intriguing opener
between two teams that you can write in permanent marker at this point, as
legitimate AFC Wild Card contenders – if not division championship contenders.
Week
Two: at denver broncos, Sunday, September 18, 3:25pm CT (CBS). Look it, denver is highly likely to open at
home, either against the Panthers (with a Super Bowl win) or the Patriots (with
a Super Bowl loss), with either game to appear on NBC (Thursday if it’s
Carolina, Sunday if it’s New England). I’d
prefer the all-but-certain prime-time matchup with these guys be at
Arrowhead. Let them have the stand-alone
afternoon national slot at their place.
Week
Three: vs New Orleans Saints, Sunday, September 25, noon CT (FOX). I’m not sure whether I’d rather face Mr.
Brees for (likely) the final time at Arrowhead early in the season, or
late. Since I lean early, let’s set this
one for Week Three.
Week
Four: vs New York Jets, Monday, October 3rd, 7:30pm CT (ESPN). A very interesting matchup to close the first
quarter of the NFL season. Two Wild Card
contenders, two legitimate divisional threats, two ten-plus win teams in
2015.
Week
Five: at Houston Texans, Sunday, October 9th, noon CT (CBS). Not only a very makeable (and all but
guaranteed to happen roadie, under the “I always make the road trip to Houston”
corollary I’ve lived my life by for the last ten years) … but Royals / Astros
five miles away at Minute Maid three hours after the final play, for Game Four
of the Divisional Round? (Or, do you
flip the order of events – Royals / Astros at noon for Game Four, build in the
five mile / two hour commute south on 288 … and then Chiefs / Texans at 7:30pm
CT as the Sunday Nighter? Either way,
does any Royals / Chiefs or Astros / Texans (or combine the four)
complain? Other than about the obvious
(traffic!)?)
Week
Six: at San Diego / Los Angeles “Super” Chargers, Sunday, October 16th,
3:05pm CT (CBS). If this schedule
actually occurs, and the Chiefs are worse than 4-2 after this game? Then someone has some serious explaining to
do. They’ll be favored in five at this
point (all but denver).
Week
Seven: bye. A slightly division-heavy
start (3 of the 6, 2 of the 3 away), facing each foe once. An AFC heavy start (5 of the 12, 3 of the 6
away). And a very, very doable start,
with the bye hitting about where I prefer it each year – right as the World
Series begins.
Week
Eight: vs Jacksonville Jaguars, Thursday, October 27th, 7:30pm CT
(NFLN). I know, I know – I always
schedule our Thursday Nighter to be broncos at Chiefs on Thanksgiving night …
but I am 100% confident the finale is going to be broncos at Chiefs, so I’ll
slate our Thursday nighter for a scheduled off-day during the World Series …
against a rapidly up-and-coming opponent.
Very interesting game.
Week
Nine: at Carolina Panthers, Sunday, November 6th, 7:30pm CT
(NBC). Let’s just be honest: this is THE
toughest game on the schedule at this point, and only if satan returns to
denver, could anything possibly top it, entering the offseason.
The
first half of the schedule laid out above, means the Chiefs face exactly half
of their laid-out opposition:
*
3 of 6 against the division (1 home, 2 road).
*
6 of 12 against the conference (3 home, 3 road).
*
2 of 4 against the NFC (1 home, 1 road).
*
8 of 16 overall (4 home, 4 road).
That’s
so fair and balanced, both FOX News and Senator Sanders can’t find issue with
it.
Week
Ten: vs San Diego / Los Angeles “Super” Chargers, Sunday, November 13th,
noon CT (CBS). One can make a legitimate
argument this is the easiest home game on the schedule. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
Week
Eleven: at Indianapolis Colts, Sunday, November 20th, 3:25pm CT
(CBS). The other roadie me and my crew
have circled to attend. And a very, very
interesting game to enter the stretch run – a game with potentially enormous
postseason ramifications.
Week
Twelve: vs Tennessee Titans, Sunday, November 27th, noon CT
(CBS). A good start to the always crucial
six-game sprint to the finish – a very winnable home game, to enter
December. Also ensures yet another Thanksgiving
weekend home game, which we seem to have every year (we’ve been home on this
weekend for five straight seasons – 2011 (vs Steelers), 2012 (vs broncos), 2013
(ditto), 2014 (ditto), 2015 (vs Bills)).
Week
Thirteen: at oakland raiders, Sunday, December 4th, 3:25pm CT
(CBS). And just like the Chiefs always
seem to be home for Thanksgiving, they tend to travel to oakland to open
December. Weather should still be solid
enough to head up to Sioux Falls for one fun weekend, to kick off Chrismukkah
season.
Week
Fourteen: at Atlanta Falcons, Sunday, December 11th, noon CT
(CBS). Ugh. Throwaway roadie nobody other than friends,
family, and fans of these squads, gives a sh*t about.
Week
Fifteen: at Pittsburgh Steelers, Sunday, December 18th, 7:30pm CT
(NBC). Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Talk about one potentially EPIC late-season
Sunday nighter! Your two divisional
round losers, who each nearly rallied to steal their divisions, who should both
be (at worst) 8-5 / 9-4 entering this one?
I like it!
Week
Sixteen: vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Saturday, December 24th, noon CT
(CBS). The NFL will move all but one
game from Christmas Day to Christmas Eve.
Tampa at KC ain’t getting the pimp Christmas Night slot.
Week
Seventeen: vs denver broncos, Sunday, January 1st, 3:25pm CT
(CBS). With an asterick denoting this
game is the front-runner entering the 2016 offseason, to occupy the coveted “final
game on the schedule” slot NBC doesn’t announce until six days beforehand.
That’s
my proposal. I think it’s fair,
reasonable, and ensures as few freaking freezing games at home in December as
possible. Because if I never have to sit
through another Bills / Titans / Browns stretch again, it cannot (not) happen
too soon.
--------------------
Finally,
my first random thoughts of the offseason.
Three of them.
* First
…
Today,
STM’s got their invoice for 2016. My
seat went up by exactly zero dollars and zero cents for 2016, save for having
to pay for ten games instead of nine.
Even my old seat (which I am still contemplating a move back to,
although for the second comment to be stated below, I doubt I will) didn’t go
up outrageously.
So
thank you to the Chiefs organization, to the Hunt Family, to the front office,
for not just continuing to offer amongst the single most affordable
entertainment options in the Kansas City metropolitan area … but for not taking
advantage of this season like Carl “One Bad Ass Negotiator” Peterson would
have, to line the coffers off of the success of 2015.
* Second
…
The
incredible friend who sits in front of my old seat, is giving up her two
seats. She’s given our group first
option to buy her two seats and parking pass, and we’re highly likely to take
advantage of the opportunity. (Mona and
I spent a solid two hours today reaching out to our “one-off” friends, who come
in for a game or three each year, to secure the seats. If we can get past halfway, we’re in like
Sven. And considering we haven’t heard
from the Moses’ yet, I’m pretty sure we’re buying.)
I
know Chris reads this from time to time, so allow me to say, losing you is
truly all but the final chapter, in the “132 Experience”. Nobody faults you; if anything, we’re all
jealous that you’ll be watching on a beach in Puerto Rico, enjoying the best
thing to happen to you since God felt the need to play eighteen with Greg on a
daily basis, five years ago come October (and for all intents and purposes, six
years ago).
I
hope you make it back for a game or three this fall, and certainly, you will
always have first dibs on those seats in Row 25. But if you can’t? Well … as best I recall our conversation …
(mona)
so the schedule is?
(stevo)
(off top of my head) denver, oakland, San Diego or LA. Jets.
Jags and Titans. Bucs and Saints.
(mona)
well, raiders is spoken for.
(stevo)
yeah, and Tom and Nicole would grab Tennessee.
(mona)
good point!
(stevo)
I can talk my former boss into Tampa with no problem.
(mona)
true. She’s the Bucs fan right, her and
her husband?
(stevo)
yeah. If anything we’ll need two more.
(mona)
Jets?
(stevo)
you know my folks are good for that unless the weather is sh*t. (Pause).
They’re in.
(mona)
halfway there! (Pause). Then there’s denver. I won’t sit by a f*cking
donk --
(stevo)
I’ll take those two, if it comes to it.
(mona)
really?
(stevo)
I owe it to our friends no longer there.
I have to answer to them someday.
If a donk --
(mona)
agreed. Yours. With our help if you need it.
You
have my promise chica, no denver fan will EVER sit in Seats 11 or 12, Row 25,
Section 132, for as long as I draw breath on this earth, when those people come
to town.
* Finally
…
And
you all can take this for what it is worth …
I
have a friend on Facebook many of you in Kansas City might know. It’s Dave O, the evening drive-time host on
Mix 93.3. I met him through “The
Perpetual Intern” years ago, and I can happily confirm, he is an even bigger
Royals die-hard than he makes himself out to be online. (God knows that’s fact; the first time I met
him was sitting through a late-August game in 2005 against some craptacular
opponent, as Buddy Bell was noting “I never say it cannot get worse” during the
19-game losing streak. He’s always had
season tickets every year I’ve known him – 11 and counting.)
He
posted a, uuh, post, on Sunday night, that literally had me crying, because I
could identify myself in it.
A
friend, who died of a heart attack at 39, from a literal broken heart.
Because
he didn’t know how to vocalize, how he was truly feeling, about all the hurt
and pain and emotional unforgiveability in his life.
Reading
that post, I realized, I was wrong last August.
The
answer to indefensible wrong isn’t to clam up, shut the site down, and go home.
It’s
to speak. It’s to shout. It’s to yell.
It’s to, in the words of Dylan Thomas, “rage against the dying of the
light!”
It’s
… to write.
To
post.
To
… blog.
Writing
is therapy to me. (Cue every person who
has ever gotten a “oh Jesus, it’s a 210KB email from Stevo. Honey?
I need a stiff whiskey, stat!” email from me nodding in reluctant
agreement.)
And
so, I’m going to reveal something (of all people) my mommy asked me about, fromthe recap of the trip to Houston.
“What
exactly was the dream you had that was so vivid, that you knew you wanted it
six months ago, and now don’t want to see it happen?”
That
dream … is not at all what you people thought, based on other emails and
texts. (Note: the overwhelming majority of you thought it was “The Champ and I make up and end this sh*t”. My position on that hasn’t changed. It’s up to him, to act, and end it, not me. And my position on that hasn't changed: he doesn't possess a pair big enough, to allow him to do that.)
The
dream I had, on John O’s couch that nearly sleepless night, was that the final
post on this site, would be one final recap, of the Mets / Royals tailgate and
game, to open the 2015 season, in barely ten weeks from now (Sunday, April 3rd). (I’m going – Section 428, row WW … and you’d
have to ask the folks at the Double, which seat I’m occupying. Oh, and yes – “The Bus” is going too.)
I
saw myself at the tailgate, at the game.
(Note: if I’m right? We’re gonna
be enjoying an 80 plus degree sunny Sunday to open the season. Cue every reader hitting his or her knees, to
pray said dream is right …)
The
dream ended with me hitting the “post” button, and that was it. Blackness.
Darkness.
The
end.
I’ve
now decided … I’m better than that.
I’m
not ready to quit yet.
Soignore that post from July. You all
can’t quit me yet. Because I’m not ready
to quit you … or quit this site … or quit me.
I
don’t want “life” as we know it to end, with the raising of a flag, at a game
92.45 plus percent of you who read that recap, won’t witness in person.
I
want it to end with something more meaningful.
Or
more specifically?
I
don’t want it to end, period.
This
site is too much fun to write, to give up on.
And
life? Is too godd*mned amazing, to stop
recapping, to stop enjoying …
…
to stop living.
Because
just like this Chiefs season?
This
series of posts isn’t a goodbye. It’s a
beginning.
And
to all of you reading this?
I
hope you’ll always be!
I
hope you’ll always?
Be
…
