election 2016: stevo's ballot ...

“Why not think about times to come,

And not about the things that you’ve done?

And if your life’s been bad to you?

Just think what tomorrow could do!

Don’t!  Stop!

Thinking about tomorrow!

Don’t!  Stop!

It’ll soon be here!

It’ll be here –

Better than before!

‘Cause yesterday’s gone!

Yesterday’s gone! …”

-- “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac.

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As best I can tell, this is what the ballot I cast tomorrow will look like, when I head to the Disabled American Veterans place, next to the abandoned bowling alley off of 87^th and Blue Ridge Boulevard tomorrow, to cast my ballot for #Election2016.

If how I vote guides your decision, wonderful.  If it doesn’t, fantastic.  Just please, get out and vote.  If even I can manage to make a polling place by 7pm CT (and I plan to be there when my polling station opens at 6am – I mean hell, if I can’t walk the equivalent of two blocks to exercise the greatest freedom that we have, then why do I have this freedom, to determine my country’s future), then what is your excuse?

As you will notice from my ballot, I do not vote party line.  Hell, if you know me, you know that’s the truth – I am a registered Democrat who hasn’t voted to put a donkey in the White House since 2000.  (And hasn’t voted for a Republican to represent me in the Senate since … uuh … I forget.  I’m honestly not sure that has ever happened, unless Bob Dole was running on the ballot both for the Presidency and the Senate in 1996.  Although in my defense, look at the “options” I faced the last twenty years – Pat Roberts (ugh) or Sam Brownback (never) when I lived in Kansas; Roy Blunt or Todd Akin in Missouri (not a chance in hell). 

And if the theme to this post doesn’t give away who I’m voting for at the top of the ballot?

Then you didn’t pay even the slightest bit of attention to politics, in 1992.

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* President (and Vice President): Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine (D).  All I need to justify this vote, to be brutally honest, is to (a) look at my friends who backed Bernie Sanders, and (b) look at my friends who back Donald Trump.

Not because I think they’re wrong to support either candidate; it’s your vote – all I ask is that you use it however your conscience sees fit to, uuh, use it.  But because my friends backing Mr. Sanders argued Mrs. Clinton isn’t “liberal enough”, and my friends backing Mr. Trump  believe Mrs. Clinton is “worse than Obama”.

Which means she’s exactly what I’ve always felt she was: a true moderate, willing to work with either party for the best solution to our nation’s problems.  And thanks to the ineptitude both sides have sent to the White House in the last sixteen years, is exactly what this country needs.

There are things about Secretary Clinton I don’t like, not the least of which is her strident pro-choice stand, not the most of which is her indefensible continual lying about the “email scandal”.  It’s my biggest complaint about Hillary, actually – she automatically assumes all criticism of her is based on hatred or bias or something other than reality.  Madam Secretary?  Take a bit of advice from someone who’s had to do this a lot in his life:

When you f*ck up?  Own it, admit it, apologize for said f*ck up, then go about repairing the damage your mistakes made.  Be humble, be contrite, be genuinely sorry, and learn from it.  It’s called a “life lesson” for a reason.  People will always forgive the sinner.  If not the sin.  But not if you don’t admit you’re wrong to begin with.

In the interest of honesty, if the Republican ticket was flipped, I could have been talked into it.  Reluctantly, but it could have happened.  But I cannot in good faith say that I can stand before the face of God someday, and confirm I sold out my values and beliefs, to vote for the most evil man to ever be this close to the Presidency, because he might appoint a Supreme Court nominee that keeps the court centralized, versus pulled far left.  I cannot in good faith say that I can stand before the fact of God someday, and confirm I sold out my values and beliefs, for a man who thinks grabbing women by their privatest of parts is acceptable, who brags, boasts, and beams with pride over his constant degrade and disrespect for his wife, and who claims he owes no confession or absolution for his sins because he has nothing to confess.

This man is just … I’ll stop there.  Vote your conscience.  I have too strong of one – I was raised too appropriately – to cast my vote for this vile of a human being.

Having said that, this is my final projected Electoral College map ... and yes, it really is about one state: New Hampshire.  New Hampshire.  New Hampshire.

New Bleeping Hampshire.

Just like it was sixteen years ago, if we're being honest:

* United States Senate: Jason Kander (D).  Of every endorsement I’ll read this election cycle, the Kansas City Star signing off on another six years of Roy Blunt disgusts me the most.  Roy Blunt is Washington at its worst – his family gravy trains as lobbyists, he never fails to shove a pork-ladened amendment into an otherwise quality piece of legislation, and he’s so bought and paid for by the tobacco lobby that I’m shocked Joe Camel didn’t appear at a Roy Blunt campaign rally.

Kander’s done a decent job as Secretary of State.  God knows he had some issues on his watch that would try the patience of Job – Ferguson, that journalism professor “asking for muscle” during the racial protests at Mizzou – and he’s handled those things as reasonably well as can be hoped for.  (If you doubt me, look at Baltimore’s reaction to the racial tensions that erupted this year.)

With God’s good grace and a bit of luck, Mr. Kander might become as powerful a force for Missouri as Senator McCaskill is.  Even if he’s worse than imaginable?  He’s still better than Roy Blunt.

* United States House of Representatives: Jacob Turk (R).  I wouldn’t vote for “Car Wash” Cleaver if you put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger.  “Sleazy” Manny Cleaver is a disgrace.  Sadly, there is no chance in hell Mr. Cleaver is not going to win; the 5^th Congressional District in Missouri wouldn’t elect a Republican if God Himself demanded it be done.  But a kid can dream.  And the dream of “Sleazy” Manny Cleaver retired to the pulpit (yup, he’s a Reverend … and to think people actually ask why I refuse to step foot in a place of worship to, uuh, worship), is a dream I proudly cling to.

* Governor of Missouri: Eric Greitens (R).  This is the one that I spent the most time agonizing over.  I think Eric Greitens’ ads against Chris Koster are disgraceful, disgusting, and outrageously false.  But at the end of the day, Chris Koster isn’t someone I want representing Missouri to the world.  He’s just not a good dude from afar.  I’d call him a sleazy opportunist who switched parties to get elected but … oh wait, he is a sleazy opportunist who switched parties to get elected.  My bad.  (And funny how all you Trumpsters reading this, probably found that last comment funny.  #irony)

Either person would do a decent job running the state; Jay Nixon has been a tremendous governor the last eight years, and will leave the state in the best shape it’s been in, in decades.  I just think Mr. Greitens is the better option.  Hence my vote.

* Lieutenant Governor of Missouri: Russ Carnahan (D).  Jesus God above, I’m voting for a Carnahan.  I’m not sure there’s enough whiskey in Jackson County to absolve me of that fact.  Let’s just move on; there’s really no good options here, only awful ones.

* Secretary of State of Missouri: Jay Ashcroft (R).  I’ve rarely if ever felt more disgusted with a decision I’ve made, and I’m fully aware there’s that night involving a stripper, a cripple, and a chick with a mustache.  I’m voting for an Ashcroft.  That might be worse than voting for a Carnahan.  They’re both awful, awful political families that have done significant damage to Missouri and the nation over the last four decades. 

* Attorney General of Missouri: Teresa Hensley (D).  A few people I’ve talked to think she’s the real deal, from her time in Cass County.  Good enough for me.  All the AG has to do is throw a competent presser a couple times a year when some heinous crime occurs in the state.  She seems like she can pull that off at least as competently as Mr. Koster has these last four years.

* Treasurer of Missouri: Eric Schmidt (R).  You have to be a brain dead idiot to put a Democrat in charge of the Treasury.  And I say this as a registered Democrat.

* Missouri Senate, District 9: “Kiki” Curls (D).  Running unopposed.  Also, you have to love a candidate who goes by “Kiki”.  (Note: if I write in a friend on the ballot, as Mr. Reason always does on his in unopposed races, this is the one that gets a write-in.)

* Missouri House of Representatives, District 27: Richard Brown (D).  Running unopposed.  Could be another “shout out to a friend” write-in vote.

* Missouri Supreme Court: Richard Teitelman – vote Retain.  Unless a judge has unfairly incarcerated me for a night or three, I’ll always vote to retain. 

* Missouri Court of Appeals, Eastern Appellate District: James Dowd, Philip Hess – vote Retain.  I can’t recall any offensive appeal to rail against.  Retain competence.

* Missouri 16^th Judicial Circuit Court: (hang on folks, there’s a list of these people coming) Jalilah Otto, Sandra Midkiff, David Byrn, J. Dale Youngs, S. Margene Burnett, Bryan Round, Joel Fahnestock, Wesley Brent Powell, Jennifer Phillips, Jeffrey Neal, Janette Rodecap, Robert Trout – vote Retain on all.  (Pause).  You know what?  I just realized something.  I haven’t appeared in a court room as a defendant, for any reason, in at least four years!  I haven’t spent an unfortunate night in incarceration, in any jurisdiction, in well over four years!  #progress!

* Ballot Initiatives:

Proposition A, Missouri $0.23 Cigarette Sales Tax: Yes.  I have to be consistent.  If I support legalizing marijuana for more than the obvious … then I have to support raising taxes on every other legal (or hopefully, soon to be) tobacco-type product, for the public’s best interest.  Also, Missouri cigarette taxes are ridiculously low, and if this doesn’t pass, then you know they’re coming after alcohol next to fund whatever idiocy this promises to fund.  And I’m getting sick and tired of paying nearly $40 / handle for Weller, that was $29 / handle four years ago.

Having said that, you’re going to call me a complete bleeping hypocrite in five … four … three …

Constitutional Amendment 3, Missouri $0.60 Cigarette Sales Tax: No.  No just no, but hell no.

For starters, what the hell does a cigarette tax have to do with the damned state’s constitution?  I swear, this state is becoming as ridiculous as California with their amendment ballot initiatives.  Secondly, doesn’t federal funding already fund Head Start and early childhood development programs?  Thirdly, I’m getting damned sick and tired of this “the language of the provision ensures politicians can only use the money for” promises.  That’s what we were told twenty years ago when we legalized casinos!  How many more f*cking taxes and promises do you have to reneg on, before you finally properly fund our school systems, Jefferson City?

Here’s a thought: grow a pair, and use it to properly fund our schools, by making choices WE elect you to do, and craft a budget that does it, taxes be damned!  Who in their right mind would vote against properly funding a public education system?  Who in their right mind would boot someone out of power for raising taxes 1/8^th of 1% to balance the damned budget?

This is the single worst thing right-wing talk radio has unleashed upon the nation, is this ridiculous “all taxes are evil” bullsh*t.  No, they aren’t.  Taxes serve a useful purpose – they pay for the public services we all use and (at least somewhat) enjoy! 

There’s a reason why propositions and amendments like this keep failing in Missouri: because we’re too stupid to fall for them.  I’ll choke down Proposition A, because it’s reasonable.  There’s no way I’ll vote to amend the constitution – the governing document of the freaking state – to mandate a tax on cigarettes.  There’s a place for something like that.  It’s called a “piece of legislation passed by the state Congress”, not the bleeping constitution.

Constitutional Amendment 4, Prohibition on Extending Sales Tax to Previously Untaxed Services: No.  The second toughest decision on the ballot for me, because I’m currently neck-deep in a committee project at work to deal with all the states putting this on the ballot come Tuesday.  (And trust me, if these things pass, it will be a nightmare to deal with, both accounting and tax-reporting wise.)

Having said that …

I can go along with this, because the playing field isn’t level across state lines.  (Deal with processing -- or creating -- an invoice for even ten minutes, and you’ll get it.)  Some states charge tax on internet sales; some don’t.  Some charge tax on services and fees; some don’t.  You’ll drive yourself bat sh*t crazy trying to not only figure out if, when billing a client, taxes apply … you’ll really drive yourself Trump sh*t crazy trying to figure out if reciprocal taxes apply, based on what the invoice is for, from whatever state the vendor is based in.  It’s insane.

Again – not all taxes are evil, and not all taxes are equal.  Charging a fair rate like other progressive states do seems the reasonable and right thing to do.  So I’m voting no, on this amendment.

Amendment 1, Missouri Sales Tax for Parks and Conservation: Yes.  It’s to renew the state parks tax.  It’s a 1/10^th of 1% surcharge.  If you enjoy floating the Elk or Niangra at least one weekend every summer?  You’d damned well better vote yes.

Constitutional Amendment 2, Missouri State and Judicial Campaign Contribution Limits: No.  If ridiculously right and left wing idealalogues are going to attack judges for interpreting the law?  Then give judges the right to defend their decisions and rulings to the people through advertising.  Free speech.  Let it breathe.

Constitutional Amendment 6, Missouri Voter ID Requirement: Yes.  Good God, who DOESN’T have a valid state-issued ID?  You can’t cash a check without one, which pretty much destroys every argument against this proposal.  If the poorest of the poor can’t cash their benefit and/or assistance check from the government without an ID, then who the hell DOESN’T have an ID?

That appears to be it, for what will appear on my ballot come (hopefully) 6:05ish tomorrow morning.

Whatever appears on yours?  Vote your conscience.  I suppose that is why this is my favorite political ad of the year, and for once, it's not an outrageous lie.  True character is said to be revealed in how you treat others, when you think nobody is paying attention.  And I agree with that statement.

What does it speak for who you are, when you act like the candidates, with the cameras on you?

#proudlywithher

week nine: there's always a hook ...

“It doesn’t matter what I say –

So long as I sing with inflection!

That makes you feel I’ll convey?

Some inner truth or vast reflection.

But I’ve said nothing so far,

And I can keep it up?  For as long as it takes!

And it don’t matter who you are?

If I’m doing my job?  It’s your resolve that breaks!

Because the hook?  Brings you back!

I ain’t telling you no lie!

The hook?  Brings you back!

On that?  You can rely …

There is something amiss!

I am being insincere.

In fact?  I don’t mean any of this!

Still my confession?  Draws you near.

To confuse the issue, I’ll refer

To familiar heroes, from long ago.

(Because) No matter how much Peter loved her?

What made the Pan refuse to grow?

Was that the hook?  Brings you back!

I ain’t telling you no lie!

The hook?  Brings you back!

On that?  You can rely!!!!! …”

-- “Hook” by Blues Traveler.

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Last Week SU: 6-6-1.

Season to Date SU: 65-53-2.

Last Week ATS: 8-5-0.

Season to Date ATS: 65-50-5.

Last Week Upset O’ The Week: doin’ the Benson Boogie!

Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 5-3-0.

Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 6-2-0.

This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Colts (+8 ½) over Packers.

Last Week SUCK: you’re welcome.

Season to Date SUCK: 4-4-0.

This Week’s SUCK: Ravens (+1) over Steelers.

(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, because it is my favorite bet on the board.)

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(Stevo Note: I am still working on the recap from the roadie to Indy.  I hope to have up in the next few days.  There’s a few things I want immortalized on this Al Gore invented thing called the internet, for as long as it exists, that happened on that roadie.)

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Wild Hairs:

* Byes: Patriots, Redskins, Bengals, Texans, Bears, “Super” Cardinals.  One of these teams does employ “Sur” William Callahan!  And somehow, they’re above .500!  And in the playoff chase!  This could be a costly, costly defeat to that grizzled veteran known as “bye” for your Washington Redskins.

* My Thursday Night pick was at Bucs 31, “Shane” Falcons 21.  I continue to whiff, and whiff spectacularly, on my Thursday night selection.

* at Vikings (+6) 34, Lions 14.  A sad, sad farewell to former Vikings offensive coordinator Norval Eugene Turner, who (pick one) resigned / quit / was fired from that position on Tuesday.  Oh the irony – “Stanley Roper” quitting on his team in Week Nine, which is usually when his teams quit on him (rimshot)!  Somehow, this man had the opportunity to (pick one) destroy / run into the ground / obliterate three different NFL teams as their head coach.  He somehow got eight years in Washington, finishing ten games under .500 and reaching the playoffs once.  He got two seasons in oakland, after “Sur” William Callahan set football back fifty years with his disasterous two year run.  “Stanley” went 9-23.  He then somehow, someway, took over a 14-2 San Diego “Super” Chargers team in 2007, rode Marty’s talent to a solid 2007 season … and went backwards every year after that – needing a miraculous 4-0 finish to get to .500 and win the AFC West in 2008, going one and done in 2009 … and never reaching the postseason again in four more subsequent seasons.

Still, despite the ineptitude, “Stanley” did give Chiefs fans one magical moment in time.

We’ll come back to it, in the Chiefs poorly prepared portion of these pointless prognostications.

* Eagles (+3) 27, at Giants 20.  Since I have nothing to say about this matchup, allow me to give a Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ gigantic middle finger salute to ESPN, for moving Brent Musburger off of Big Monday.  (He’ll now call Super Tuesday.  Dammit.)  It’s truly sad all the broadcasting talent coming to a close over the last few years.  Dan “Behoove” Dierdorf, retired.  Dick “Oh My” Enberg, retired.  Vin Scully, retired.  “Uncle” Verne Lundquist has six games left, seven if he calls whatever the hell they call the Sun Bowl nowadays.  Bob “SWISH!!!!!” Davis, retired *.

And, of course, this is the final season of Len Dawson as the Chiefs color commentator.

Kids?  Enjoy greatness while it’s still talking.  Because I guarantee you, nobody’s going to shed a tear when Spero Dedes retires.

(*: to this day, it still amazes me, that Jim “Hello Friends” Nantz and Billy “Fudge” Packer exhibited more emotion at Super Mario’s three, than Bob Davis did.  Of course, neither holds a candle to my reaction, which was to drop to my knees, sobbing, pounding the floor for five straight minutes, as the roommate and his girlfriend looked at me with a combination of stunned disbelief, and fear for my mental health.)

* at Ravens (+1) 13, Steelers 10.  The loser of this game is in deep, deep trouble to reach the postseason.  Especially if you think all three AFC West powers are for real.  (I don’t; two of the three are legitimate.  The third’s descent into its’ rightful place as the division’s doormat, begins Sunday night.)

* Cowboys 24, at Browns (+8) 23.  Classic trap game for the Cowboys – coming off the emotional Sunday night comeback, with an epic (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown with the Steelers up next.

* at Rams (+3) 24, Panthers 14.  How happy has Channel 4 got to be, that this is what they get to broadcast to the Kansas City metropolitan area on Sunday afternoon?  Everyone who’s tuning in for this one, raise your hand!  (Crickets chirping …)

* Colts (+8 ½) 38, at Packers 35.  In the words of Billy Joel, “don’t ask me why”.  Then again, if any words of Billy Joel ever pertained to me, they’d have to be “you may be right -- I may be crazy!  But I just might be the lunatic you’re looking for!”

* Saints (-4) 41, at 49ers 14.  Just root for no major injuries to the Saints, Chiefs fans.  Because next Sunday, we are ALL Saints fans.

* at “Super” Chargers 34, Titans 13.  I know the Chargers are 3-5 … but folks?  Have you seen their remaining schedule?  In case you haven’t, here it is:

vs Titans

vs Dolphins

Bye

at Texans

vs Buccaneers

at Panthers

vs raiders

at Browns

vs Chiefs

I’ll ask the Captain Oats in the room: is anyone going to be stunned if your San Diego “Super” Chargers are 10-5, facing a win and you’re in finale against the Chiefs?  I know I won’t be.

* at raiders (-1) 23, satan’s squad 6.  I hesitate to do this, because at least one person who reads what I’m about to type will fail to get that it’s a long standing joke (albeit with a high element of truth to it), and think I’m some anti-American dude who wants the terrorists to win.  Having said that, since every major news organization is reporting that Homeland Security is on high alert for this weekend, I once again offer you a friendly public service reminder: if the terrorists strike the o.co while this game is being staged, it is not a national tragedy.  It is justified cause for a national celebration.

* at Seahawks (-7) 30, Bills 13.  Ugh.  Yet another unwatchable Monday nighter.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

For the second week in a row, presented without comment ... because (and sweet merciful Lord Jesus, does this hurt) ... Ol' Klassy responded EXACTLY as I would have:

Inside Mixology:

Where I explain why one song on the Mixology play list is guaranteed to play.

And this one is guaranteed to hit the speakers during a tailgate, if only to see something that (booze voice) rich and rarely is seen.

Me dancing.

Flash back to the late winter / early spring of 2000.  I was barely a year emerged from college, barely six months into my job at Transamerica.  At 23 years old, there wasn’t a girlfriend in sight … but at 23, that’s not necessarily a negative.

Weekends – hell, week nights – consisted of hitting up some bar in Westport – be it Have a Nice Day Café (rest in peace), Johnny Dare’s joint (ditto), or Harpo’s **, for quarter draw night.  Yes, you read that right – quarter draws.  Nothing says “we’re (justin moore voice) letting the night roll!” like handing your waitress a $5, and she leaves a tray of 12-15 draws on your table.

And in the spring of 2000, a cd was released that, frankly, is criminitely underrated in hindsight … and criminitely underrated at the time to boot.

“No Strings  Attached” by NSYNC ***.

And the opening single off that cd?  Oh, a lil’ jingle I think every person with a functional hearing system in their body, has heard.

“Bye Bye Bye”.

(Bye Bye!)

I’m telling you, if you could nail the dance moves from the chorus – and believe it or not, I still can to this day – you were golden.  But if you could pull off the move when JT hops off the freight elevator, lines up like a, uuh, lineman, pulls his head up, and gives the “yeah, you f*cking want me” look of (marvin gaye) sexual healing?

You were beyond golden.

And to this day, I can still nail to perfection every bleeping dance move in the chorus, and Senor Timberlake’s healthy hike through the hallway, out the freight elevator, and into the “yeah, you f*cking want me” look, from the video.

Thanks for reading.

So far, I’ve given you:

* “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC (Week 9).

* “One Toke Over the Line” by Brewer and Shipley (Week 8).

* “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled (Week 7).

* “F*ck Her Gently” by Tenacious D (Week 6).

* No Selection (Week Five – Bye Week).

* “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allan Coe (Week 4).

* “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace (Week 3).

* “Dancing On The Ceiling” by Lionel Richie (Week 2).

* “September” by Earth, Wind and Fire (Week 1).

Next week?  Given the opponent, it’s time to re-confirm my favorite song of all time … although if you’re a fan, regular reader, or casual observer from a distance of this site, you already know what that selection is.  Because like the ending to “Lost”, revealing that the Sideways world was a place the Castaways created and were solely aware of?

This place, is somewhere only we know.

(**: the funniest occurrence from that spring and summer being the time we hit up Harpo’s for quarter draw night, got bored as hell, and my brother and Mr. Reason decided to hit up Bonita Flats … where a girl we went to high school with entertained us as “Summer”.  Which no matter how awkward that was, it beats the hell out of my infatuation with “Breezy” at “The Outback”, uuh, (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day.  (Pause).  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: strip clubs are the second biggest waste of money ever, only trailing flyovers before a game.)

(***: true story time!  My first job out of college, I worked for Rubbermaid, and my job was basically to go all over Nebraska, South Dakota, and Kansas, and get yelled at all day for the incompetence that was our loss restoration department.  Anyways, I got a call on a Monday in late May / early June 1999, when I was in lovely Salina, Kansas, that some store in beautiful Watertown, South Dakota had been promised a store reset, that hadn’t been completed yet.  (Note: the guy I was hired to replace?  That’s a story in and of itself.  It’s hysterical … if not ridiculous.)

Anyways, my boss drops the “every Wal Mart in South Dakota may drop us if you can’t get this reset done” blast that, let’s be honest here, is utter bullsh*t.  Wal Mart isn’t dropping Rubbermaid products.  No store is dropping them.

But I said fine, I’ll rearrange my schedule and get this done.  Well, it’s a healthy nearly fifteen hour drive from Salina, Kansas to Watertown, South Dakota.  So I take off, and about 9:30pm, arrive in Omaha, and I’m just spent.  I have to stop and at least rest a bit.  (It’s still a solid 6 hours from Omaha to Watertown.)

So I check in at what used to be Harvey’s Casino in Council Bluffs, eat some dinner, and figure “what the hell”, and head down to play some blackjack.

I was still a relative novice at the game at this point (I was only 22), but I saw the double deck table had an opening, so I took it, made sure I let my fellow degenerate gamblers know “hey, I’m kind of new at this, if I ask for advice will you give it”, to ensure I wouldn’t screw them over, and start playing.

About an hour later, there’s still a couple of us at the table (it’s pushing midnight), and a dude came up and asked if it was OK to play.  We all said sure.  As I best recall, I was up a couple hundred, and nobody was doing poorly, so what the hell.

I took one look at the dude as he sat next to me … and I swear to Christ, it’s a good thing cell phones with cameras didn’t exist back then, because I’d have had to take a selfie, send it to Mr. Reason’s sister, and wait for her to explode with jealousy.

(Remember – it’s 1999.)

The dude who sat next to me?

Joey.  Effing.  Fatone.

My minor claim to fame: I not only played blackjack with Joey Fatone … I damned near got the pit boss to sign off on having Mr. Fatone sign the Jack of Spades, when they changed out the deck, to take home as a souvenir. 

You may hate me, but that (story)?

#aintnolie.

It’s my third favorite casino day ever, behind the day I won nearly $11,000 (and p*ssed it all back over the next six to seven months) … and a little thing immortalized as “The Comeback”.)

The Watch Party Plans:

There are no The Watch Party Plans, as this is a home game. 

The Tailgating Plans:

I secured the early in pass … thanks to a text message from a certain tailgater at 6:12am on Monday morning causing (a) my phone to go off, (b) not even four hours after I crashed getting home from Indy, and (c) causing me to panic and fear I’d overslept for work, before (d) leading to me realizing I had Monday off, and cursing said phone for waking me up.

Thanks to President Carter, we get an extra hour of sleep on Saturday night with the end of Daylight Savings Time.  So there’s no excuse, if you’re riding The Bus, to miss the (at the latest) 6:15am departure time. 

I have no idea what the menu will be; it’s being decided on the fly at Hy-Vee when Mona and I go shopping tomorrow afternoon.  (And with all due respect, how do you "plan" for Jaguar?  Who the hell thinks of anything food-related when it comes to Jacksonville, or the Jaguar?)

The forecast Sunday looks beyond ridiculous – 72 and sunny at kickoff.  At kickoff!  At noon!  On November 6^th!  In Kansas City!

Remind me again why we’re actually fighting global warming?  Let the bastardo win already!

I know there’s at least ten of us riding out – Russ the Bus Man and Mona, myself, Anthony and Jaimmie, Miranda, Fran, Cindy, and “Tony and Lisa”, coming in from Omaha for this one because “we might not miss another home game – this team is the best Chiefs team in at least ten years!”

Yes.  Yes, they are.

The Fab Five:

Where we look back at five magical games, moments, and or/assorted thoughts, involving the Chiefs and Jaguars.

There is no Fab Five this week … because there’s only a Fab One when it comes to these two squads duking it out … and I’m saving that, for the Chiefs Prognostication portion of these porn-star free predictions.

A Random PSA from Stevo:

In the interest of full disclosure, this site strongly endorses – and will vote on Tuesday ****  – for Secretary Clinton and Senator Kaine, to lead this nation the next four years.

And in the interest of full disclosure, this site (and its author) believes Donald J. Trump “House of Wings” is going to win on Tuesday night, or early Wednesday morning, and a late call of New Hampshire is going to be the deciding factor.

Irregardless of your feelings over who wins (and as Ben Shapiro noted, there’s a very, very, VERY plausible path to a 269 tie, throwing this to the House for the first time since 1824), just do your patriotic duty, and vote.

We Americans have a privilege few, if any, people in this world have.  WE determine our fate.  Two thirds of the world has their fate determined for them, if not more.  Don’t sit on the sideline of history.  Whatever your conviction?  Vote. 

Do what so many people in this life, will never have the chance to do – vote freely, fairly, and of your own free will and conscience.

Because whoever wins?

Proves yet again that the greatest social experiment in human history, works. 

Oh, and that very, very, VERY plausible road to a 269 tie:

(credit: realclearpolitics.com)

(****: I will, as always, post how I will vote, by the time Election Day arrives.  I’ve reconciled myself to the fact “House of Wings” is going to win.  I just pray the good people of Missouri join me in sending Roy Blunt into a long-overdue retirement, as a consolation prize.)

The Jets Best Guess:

The defining moment of the season – not just for the Jets, and possibly not just for Miami.

The way the AFC West is currently unfolding (and how I believe it’s about to unfold), there is zero margin for error for any three or four win team in the AFC right now … because I truly believe at least three AFC West teams will stand at 9-6 (at worst) or better, entering the finale.

The Jets, Dolphins, and Bills are all in the 3-4 win category in the East.

The Steelers, Ravens, and Bengals are all in the 3-4 win category in the Norris.

The Colts and Titans are in the 3-4 win category in the South.

And the Chargers have three wins in the West.

Nine teams … trailing three AFC West juggernauts by at least a game, with only Pittsburgh having a tiebreaker over one of those three AFC West squad right now.

Only one of which (pick your AFC Norris squad) is assured of a playoff berth, via a division title.

The Jets and Mammals both have three wins.  Both will see a very favorable second half schedule unfold.  And maybe too much is being placed on this game – maybe it’s the return match, in the Fake Meadowlands in Week Fifteen, that will decide which AFC East also-ran, could possibly steal the six seed, and stand a really decent shot of beating whoever wins the AFC Norris, or AFC South. 

But the winner of this game, at least vaults itself into serious discussion for the six seed.

Once again – heart triumphs head on this site.

* Jets (+4) 27, at Dolphins 17.

The Chiefs Pointless Prepared Prognostication:

In the final season of “How I Met Your Mother”, there is an episode – and I believe it was the seventeenth of the season – entitled “Sunrise”.

The episode – especially by Season Eight / Nine standards – was pretty good.  Barney gifts “The Playbook” to two dudes learning “the game”.  Marshall and Lily reach détente … although not how either expected. 

And the primary storyline of the episode, is Ted and Robin, on the beach of Long Island Sound, ostensibly looking for a missing drunk Barney, sharing one last magical moment of friendship, before Robin’s wedding to Barney ten hours later.

“Sunrise” is not a particularly great episode, of one of my ten favorite shows ever.  Gun to my head, in terms of quality, importance, and overall hilarity, I wouldn’t even rate it in Season Nine’s top five.

And yet, there’s something about “Sunrise”, I cannot let go of.

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Sunday, December 17, 2006.

The third week of December 2006, is arguably amongst the most painful in the history of the franchise.

Because not only did the Chiefs gag away a game San Diego tried to give them on a Sunday Nighter at The Q (Chargers won 20-9), but the founder of the franchise, Lamar Hunt, passed away not even 48 hours before the stinging defeat left the Chiefs 7-7, two back of the Bengals, and one back of a host of squads, in deep, deep trouble to get a wildcard berth.

I watched that Sunday Nighter at the place I used to live on Stubbs, with a person I used to believe had a permanent status on my Mount Rushmore of Friends.  I always tried to watch the “must win” / “defining game of the season” at Dusty’s, because it worked for Baltimore in Week Four 2004, it worked for Miami in 2005, and it had worked earlier in 2006 for St. Louis.  Any “win or else you’re in deep, deep sh*t” game those 3-4 years of my life, I had to show up with Hooters wings in one hand, Heineken in the other, and watch the Chiefs do what Chiefs (tend not to) do, and save the season.

(Or, as former friend would note: "don't f*ck with what works!"  Oh, the f*cking irony of that comment, coming out of him.)

Which is why I left the place on Stubbs that night, that I’d move into barely six months later, so confused. 

My go-to ritual was gone-zo.  The Chiefs were still mathematically alive, but needed eight separate and distinct outcomes to occur over the next fifteen days, to get them into the playoffs – most of which were not only implausible, but unbelievable.

I mean, as I noted to my brother driving home that night – what are the odds, what are the f*cking odds! – of eight separate and distinct outcomes going your way, only two of which you control?

As my brother noted: “that’s why Vegas loves you betting the parlay!”

--------------------

Monday, December 18, 2006.

The next day, the first of the Immaculate Eightfecta hit – the Colts demolished the Bengals in Indianapolis on a Monday night.  That was the first one that had to hit, because the Bengals had demolished the Chiefs at Arrowhead to open the season.

Cincinnati had to lose out, and the Chiefs had to win out, to get the Chiefs one clear of them for tiebreaker purposes.

One down, seven to go.

Six of those seven, you could talk yourself into, even without the advice and consent of a stiff Weller and Diet (with lime, of course).

It’s the seventh?

That still defies explanation.

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Saturday, December 23, 2006.

The Chiefs played the Saturday Nighter at oakland, and won in a game that was total 2006 Chiefs, 20-9 – a game they dominated in every which way, except the scoreboard.

The second piece of the Immaculate Eightfecta had fallen into place – one of the two the Chiefs controlled.

And come Sunday, two more fell into place: the Jaguars lost at home to the Colts, and the Bengals botched the extra point with barely :05 remaining, to lose at denver 24-23.

Four down.  Four to go.

(Pause).

And yes – even ten years later, 39 year old me realizes what 29 year old me knew:

Cheering for satan’s squad?

Is the equivalent of being raped.

--------------------

Entering New Year’s Eve 2006, the Chiefs still needed four outcomes to go in their favor, only one of which they had any semblance of control over.

* The Steelers had to beat the Bengals, in Cincinnati.  This one was the second biggest – the Bengals controlled their own destiny – win and in.

* The Patriots had to beat the Titans, in Nashville.  This one was the third biggest – the Titans held tiebreaker over the Chiefs at 9-7 via conference record.  (The 2006 Chiefs made the playoffs … with a 5-7 conference record.  That’s gotta be a NFL first.  And last.)

* The Chiefs had to beat the Jaguars at Arrowhead, to ensure both squads finished at 9-7, to give the Chiefs the head to head tiebreaker. 

By the time we exited Arrowhead that magical afternoon, all three had occurred, within about ten minutes of each other, with Steelers / Bengals being shown on the video board as we exited Arrowhead.

Seven down, one to go.

The most improbable of them all.

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Sunday, October 1, 2006.

(joey russo voice) Whoa!

He just flashed back in time, in this post! 

Sunday, October 1, 2006, the 0-2 Chiefs hosted the 1-2 49ers, at the lovely Truman Sports Complex.  If ANY game can be labeled as “The Perfect Stevo Game”?  This one was it.

Per Pro Football Reference, it was 82 and sunny at kickoff.  (So pushing 95 in the lower bowl where I sat.)  The Chiefs were favored by 7; the over/under was 39.5.

The Chiefs led 24-0 at the half … and won 41-0, on a game in which the shirt came off at halftime, the sandals came off as well, and I simply propped my feet up, and soaked in the sun and a laughable win, for a solid 90 minutes, after halftime.

The starting quarterback for your San Francisco 49ers that day?  Drug his team to 1-3 by going 13-25 / 92 yards / 0 TD / 2 INTs / 4 sacks … and his longest completion was 16 yards, again, per Pro Football Reference.

Sh*t, the 49ers barely managed 180 yards of offense all day (they managed 181), they turned the ball over (mike gundy voice) four! times, and looked like the degenerate, indefensible mess the 2006 49ers were.  (And the 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010 49ers were … you get the point.)

The win that day got the Chiefs season rolling, which led to a week later – via an epic comeback at Arizona – to the first time I consciously remember texting three simple words, that make a season worth remembering.

“Season.  F*cking.  On!”

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Sunday, October 15, 2006.

The Chiefs spent Week Six getting used – and no, I will never get tired of quoting this, or using it – the Chiefs spent Week Six getting used (clark judge voice) “as the Steelers urinal”, in a 3-45 defeat.  The 49ers spent Week Six getting beaten like a government mule by the Chargers 19-48, at Real Candlestick to boot. 

There was nothing – absolutely nothing – to lead anyone to believe, any outcome from the Chiefs and/or 49ers, would impact the season of either squad involved … or any squad either team would face.

Week Four’s 41-0 ass whipping felt like a high water mark.  A moment in time you look back on, and smile, and realize it can never be replicated, it’s just perfect.

--------------------

Sunday, December 31, 2006.

The Titans lost at home to the Patriots.  Needed Outcome Five.

The Bengals, somehow, someway, p*ssed away a touchdown lead in the closing seconds of regulation to the Steelers … then somehow, someway, lost on a touchdown bomb in overtime.

Needed Outcome Six.

I mean, seriously – if you’re a degenerate gambler – and I am?

What are the odds – what are the freaking odds?!?!?! – you’re six for eight, with the last two still alive?

The Chiefs beat the Jaguars, in the cold, in the snow, holding on for a 35-30 victory.

Needed Outcome Seven.

That left only one outcome to go … the one that was the unlikeliest of all.

--------------------

As we were prepping to leave the postgame tailgate, I pulled up the one contest remaining on the XM receiver, just as Alex Smith threw what could (and probably should) have been a season-ending interception returned for a touchdown by that c-word champ bailey, to put the denver broncos up 13-0 on the San Francisco 49ers right before the two minute warning.

Needless to say, defeatism began to take over, as our group disbursed for home.

Because yes, Chiefs fans, the outcome we needed was a god awful 49ers team that had already lost to us by 41, lost at home to San Diego by 30, lost to the eventual NFC Champion Bears by 30, lost to eventual NFC Title Game participant New Orleans by 24, had lost 4 of 5 entering this contest, we needed that 49ers team?

To go into denver, and somehow stun the denver broncos – who exactly seven days before, every Chiefs fan was rooting for, to beat the Bengals.

Needless to say, at the two minute warning, it did not look promising.

Especially since not only was "first round bust" Alex Smith needing to lead the comeback?

Norval Eugene Turner was calling the plays.

--------------------

It’s crazy sometimes, how an absolute negative can jump start everything to the positive.

For example, three years ago, after the Chiefs turned an Andrew Luck interception to open the second half into a 38-10 lead, I stood,arms raised, and screamed “it’s over!  It’s f*cking over!  denver here we come!!!”, believing that Husein Abdullah’s interception – and Knile Davis’ subsequent touchdown – had finally ended the playoff drought at twenty years.

The Colts outscored the Chiefs 35-6 the rest of the way, to win 45-44.

Ten years ago that last day of 2006, the 49ers could have folded after champ bailey’s TaINT.  Most teams would have.

Instead, the opposite happened.  Alex Smith led an effective two minute drill, to get the 49ers on the board with a late field goal.  The 49ers held to open the half, then hit a thirty yard bomb to pull to within three.  Not even a minute later, the 49ers returned the favor to the donkeys, grabbing and scoring the TaINT of their own, to grab the lead.

After exchanging a few field goals, and seeing denver score a touchdown with barely 90 seconds to play, the game headed to overtime.

And after thirteen plus excruciating, sweat-inducing, vomit-producing minutes of pure stress, the 49ers lined up for the field goal … and in full proof that (justin timberlake voice) what goes around, comes around?

The man who ended the Chiefs 1999 season, via an overtime field goal in Week Seventeen, to deny the Chiefs the AFC West?

Was the same man who was lined up to try an overtime field goal, in Week Seventeen, to give the Chiefs a postseason berth.

Joe Nedney.

And just like that painful day to open 2000?  Joe Nedney ... sh*t, watch it for yourselves, and cry like it was New Years Eve 2006 all over again:

https://youtu.be/EL74kEvs7W0?t=4m38s

49ers 26, broncos 23.

Postseason.  F*cking.  On!

--------------------

The reason that game against the Jaguars hits me so solid, is probably the reason why “Sunrise” hits me so solid.

It’s the end of life as you know it … and you realize it, standing in the moment.

You realize, standing in the moment … that you have to let the moment win, even if you want to rage against that moment with everything you have in you.

Everything in my life completely changed after that game, both for the good, and for the bad.  (You take them both, and then you have?  The Facts of Life!  The Facts of Life!  (Pause).  Jesus, how has THAT never been a “Game O’ The Week” honor on this site?!?!?!)

I turned thirty three days later.  (I turn forty in 59 days.  Gulp.)  It was the last game Mr. Reason and I would attend as the “Joey and Chandler” of real life – Mrs. Reason was now in the picture. 

And thank God, still is, ten years later.

The place that was my “good luck charm”, that bungalow on Stubbs?  Would become my home barely four months later, for the next couple years.  Again – for better or for worse.

That Jaguars game was the (last official) game I tailgated at the crosswalk between Lots N and G.  We had one last tailgate there in 2007, a “Restore the Tradition” attempt (sadly, I didn't save that post from the Numero Uno site), in which all parties eventually came to realize, the “tradition” just wasn’t there anymore.  

Perhaps this one hits me rawest of all, because it meant truly letting go and saying goodbye to Chiefs Football as I’d always known it.  No more cases of Dr. Pepper, even if just in honor of RCW.  No more late Saturday evening runs to Hooters for some wings, no more steak kabobs that God himself would kill for, to enjoy.

And yet, for all the change that game brought – again, both good and bad – I can’t help but look back and think “what a fitting ending”.  When I first began going to Chiefs games, you’d leave tickets on your windshield, there were so few fans there, you couldn’t give them away, let alone scalp them.  Now, there was a waiting list for season tickets.

The season that began my irrational love of this franchise twenty years earlier, via the most f*cked up, how did this happen finale to a season (the Chiefs reaching the playoffs in 1986 via three special teams touchdowns … and 170 yards of offense)?  

Twenty years later, ended via the most ridiculous, amazing punt block I’ll ever see, an incredible hard count that drew the Jags offsides to seal the defeat, and eight – eight! – separate and distinct outcomes, each of which HAD to occur – to get the Chiefs into the 2006 postseason, as improbably as they did the 1986 postseason.

(And if you really want a “what are the f*cking odds” coincidence?  The ten year anniversary team in between, your 1996 Chiefs?  Missed the playoffs because somehow, someway, Falcons kicker (and future Chiefs kicker) Morten Anderson missed a 19 yard field goal as time expired at … Jacksonville, to land the Jaguars into the six seed, at the Chiefs expense, via conference record tiebreaker.)

Thirty years later?  I'm still drawn back, every chance I get, to root on the Red and Gold ... and more importantly, to spend time with each and every one of you who read this, and simply drop by for a handshake, a hug, a conversation, or (far more likely) a few cold beers.

Because that's the hook, that makes the Arrowhead Experience, what it is.  It's what I didn't witness in Indy last week (but have in Houston, three times in the last year).  It's us, who matters, not the team.  Win or lose, rain or shine, sleet or snow?  The Post Office has nothing on us.

Because we're the hook.

And I'll be godd*mned if I'm letting any of us off of it.

* at Chiefs (-7 1/2) 35, Jaguars 13.

If you're coming tomorrow, don't be a stranger.