my favorite tv theme song of all time? glad you asked ...

"Man I love how Redman tastes.
And damn, I love my NASCAR race.
And any song sung by George Strait?
Is country at its best.

And yes, I love a good cold beer,
And mustard on my fries.
I love a good loud honky tonk --
It rocks on Friday nights.

And hell yes I love my truck!
But I want you to know,
That honey?
I love your love the most ..."

-- "Love Your Love the Most" by Eric Church.

--------------------

I figured for the first post of the week, that I'd lighten up the mood a little bit. 

The three previous posts have not exactly been "happy", "uplifting", "positive", "funny", or even "entertaining".  So I figured I'd finally finish a post I started back in March, and let's see where this leads to.

I give you ... the TV Theme Song Tournament!!!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The format is simple: I'm taking 68 TV show theme songs, and facing them off, to determine which of these 68 is my favorite of all time.  The only rule(s) applied to this (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt, is that (1) I had to have watched at least one full episode of the show, and (2) for sitcoms, the year the pilot episode aired, is the regional it is eligible for.  (For example, "Benson" debuted in the late 1970s, even though most of its episodes aired in the 1980s.  Therefore, if "Benson" qualifies for the field, they are eligible for the "Other Decades Sitcoms" regional, not the "1980s Sitcoms" regional.)  

Got it?  Good.

With that benchmark established, let's get to the logistics.

I divided the theme songs into four regionals:

* 1980s sitcoms (number one overall)

* Other decades sitcoms (number two overall)

* Dramas (number three overall)

* Game Shows (number four overall)

With the regionals established, it's time to work the S-curve, and seed this sucker.  By random draw, the First Four Seeds will come from the Dramas Regional, and the Other Decades Sitcoms Regional, meaning three of the "First Four" matchups, have a true "Cinderella" entering the Regional -- a true "bid thief".  Because I am sneaky good like that. 

Here, peoples and peepettes, is your Television Theme Song Tournament S-Curve (and remember -- it's not the quality of the SHOW we're deciding here, it's the quality of the show's THEME SONG):

One Seeds: "Cheers" (#1 overall seed), "Good Times" (#2 overall seed), "Hill Street Blues" (#3 overall seed), "Jeopardy" (#4 overall seed).

Two Seeds: "The Price Is Right" (#5), "LA Law" (#6), "Friends" (#7), "Growing Pains (#8).

Three Seeds: "Family Ties" (#9), "Sanford and Son" (#10), "Dallas" (#11), "The Match Game" (#12).

Four Seeds: "Wheel Of Fortune" (#13), "The Sopranos" (#14), "Family Guy" (#15), "The Golden Girls" (#16).

Five Seeds: "Saved By The Bell" (#17), "The Muppet Show" (#18), "Hunter (Final Season)" (#19), "Press Your Luck" (#20).

Six Seeds: "Family Feud" (#21), "Twin Peaks" (#22), "Benson" (#23), "Married With Children" (#24).

Seven Seeds: "ALF" (#25), "Laverne and Shirley" (#26), "The A-Team" (#27), "Super Password" (#28).

Eight Seeds: "High Rollers" (#29), "Friday Night Lights" (#30), "One Day At A Time" (#31), "The Wonder Years" (#32).

Nine Seeds: "Night Court" (#33), "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" (#34), "Mission: Impossible" (#35), "The Mole" (#36).

Ten Seeds: "Let's Make a Deal" (#37), "The Love Boat" (#38), "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" (#39), "Doogie Howser M.D." (#40).

Eleven Seeds: "The Hogan Family" (#41), "MASH" (#42), "Swingtown" (#43), "Survivor" (#44)

Twelve Seeds: "Big Brother" (#45), "The Greatest American Hero" (#46), "The Norm Show" (#47), "Family Matters" (#48).

Thirteen Seeds: "The Simpsons" (#49), "Diff'rent Strokes" (#50), "NYPD Blue" (#51), "Love Connection" (#52).

Fourteen Seeds: "The Newlywed Game" (#53),  "Law and Order" (#54), "The Facts of Life" (#55), "Webster" (#56).

Fifteen Seeds: "Kate and Allie" (#57), "Roseanne (Final Season)" (#58), "The West Wing" (#59), "To Tell The Truth" (#60).

Sixteen Seeds: "Tic Tac Dough" (#61), "The Fall Guy" (#62), "Better With You" (#63), "Empty Nest" (#64).

First Four Seeds: "My So Called Life" (#65), "All In The Family" (#66), "Boy Meets World" (#67), "Simon and Simon" (#68).

My God, that field is loaded -- LOADED! -- with quality! 

Here's your bracket:

Here we go ...

* The First Four Round.

16 "My So Called Life" over 16 "Empty Nest".  "Life" gets the edge because (a) I like it better, and (b) I refuse -- and I mean refuse! -- to bring David Leisure (as wacky neighbor Charlie) back into our lives.  You're welcome.

16 "Simon and Simon" over 16 "Tic Tac Dough".  Not a tough choice.  And this won't be the last time we hear from our ol' buddy Wink Martindale in this toonumunt; it's just the first.

16 "All In The Family" over 16 "Better With You".  Another 90-42 cakewalk to open the evening in Dayton.  Having noted that, it's been two years, and I'm still fuming mad at ABC over cancelling "Better With You" after one season.  That's outrageous.  Having to watch Jake Lacy wasted all season on "The Office" was outrageous enough; yanking Casey and Mia out of our lives after only 22 half hour engagements is borderline criminal.

16 "The Fall Guy" over 16 "Boy Meets World".  Come on, this isn't even fair.  "The Fall Guy" is one of the coolest theme songs ever.  Seriously, click the damned Youtube! link and enjoy the next 90 seconds of your life.  You will NOT regret clicking it.  (My way of saying, "The Fall Guy" ain't gonna become the first 16 seed to win in the tournament.)

* The Round of 64.

1980s Sitcom Regional:

1 “Cheers” over 16 “Simon and Simon”.  In hindsight, “Simon and Simon” is criminitely underseeded.  It’s grouse.  It’s Zues in nature.  They’re the 2006 Bradley Braves, only they aren’t going to the Sweet 16; “Cheers” is just too formidable an opponent.

8 “The Wonder Years” over 9 “Night Court”.  Setting up a round of 32 matchup that should have TV theme song lovers salivating.

5 “Saved By The Bell” over 12 “Family Matters”.  Sorry – Screech trumps Urkel.  To say nothing of Zack and Slater trumping Eddie, and Kelly treating Laura like her own personal urinal.  But Carl trumps Mr. Belding.  Always.

4 “The Golden Girls” over 13 “The Simpsons”.  Did you know that “The Golden Girls” theme song, was actually a minor hit in the 1970s?  I didn’t either until I started this thing.  See – this site is not just for entertainment purposes only!  It’s educational too!

3 “Family Ties” over 14 “Webster”.  Put it this way – the only 3 seed imaginable that could lose to “Webster”, is Duke University.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh come on!  I can’t do a tournament prediction piece without a few cheap shots at Dook!

6 “Married With Children” over 11 “The Hogan Family”.  I should pick an upset here, or else the higher seeds are all going to advance … but how can you pick against Frank Sinatra?  Mr. Vice President?  (vice president (for how much longer?) biden voice) Folks!  Frank Sinatra had mob ties!  A three letter word – ties!

Thank you sir.  And may I say, two things, Mr. Vice President.  First, how your life has not been turned into a sitcom named "Sh*t Joe Biden Says", or at least a Twitter account by that handle, I have no idea.  And second, your impending elevation to the throne of the free world, frightens the sh*t out of me.  And that is a three letter word – sh*t!

Also -- seriously, click on that "Hogan Family" link.  How -- and I'm being serious here -- how in the name of God did the gorgeous Jane Mancini date a Hogan kid?  And what is Dylan McCay's dad doing in this craptacular show, starring one of my alma mater's two famous acting alum's?  (Both Sandy Duncan and Rod Roddy graduated from TCU.  KU claims Don Johnson and Kirstie Alley.  (Pause).  Yeah -- I'm damned proud to be a Horny Frog too!)

7 “ALF” over 10 “Doogie Howser M.D.”  I picked the season three “ALF” theme, because like with most 80s sitcoms, they “jazzed up” the thing as the seasons went along, in some idiotic effort to keep things fresh, hip, lively.  And it didn't work.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, good point!

Guys and gals?  Let me do this right.  Gregg?  Do you have a couple words you'd like to share, in order to state the obvious?  You do?  Oh, that is bloody fantastic!  OK sir, the floor is yours!

(“the voice of reason” disgusted as holy hell voice) IT’S “ALF!”  

Thank you sir.  Back to the proceedings.

2 “Growing Pains” over 15 “Kate and Allie”.  And then you have “Growing Pains”, who as their seasons went along, dulled down the theme song, until the final season’s all acapella version.  The 1980s / early 1990s: TV theme song’s finest hour!

Game Show Regional:

1 “Jeopardy” over 16 “My So Called Life”.  Look it, I hate to spoil the fun here, but “Jeopardy” isn’t going to win this thing.  They’re the Duke of this tournament – give them a top three seed, and they’re crapping the court by the Sweet 16.  But you can argue that no theme song ever has had as much pop-culture influence and re-usage, as “Jeopardy”’s final question music.  Just sayin’.  That should count for something.

8 “High Rollers” over 9 “The Mole”.  This was a triple overtime, “Wink from midcourt at the buzzer for the win!” exciting.  If, you know, Wink Martindale and Anderson Cooper ever faced off on a court.  Let’s all be thankful we’ll never have to witness that.  Especially if Wink draws short straw and gets “skins” designation.

5 “Press Your Luck” over 12 “Big Brother”.  Whammy! trumps Chenbot.  I think.  In this bracket, he does, anyway.

4 “Wheel of Fortune” over 13 “Love Connection”.  And before we continue, I need to refill the shiraz.  I’ll be back in (chuck woolery voice) “two and two”.

3 “The Match Game” over 14 “The Newlywed Game”.  While I’m stalling for time here, since we haven’t quite reached “two and two” yet, two things:

* why don’t game show hosts use the phallic-style microphone anymore?  It added a lovely touch of sleaze and debauchery.  I miss the phallic-style mic, which as Gene Rayburn (who hosted “The Match Game” and popularized that style of mic) noted, he did precisely because it would remind female viewers of a penis, and it might help him on the social scene.  Oh Gene.  Rest in peace, buddy.  We miss ya.

* I would be failing in my duties as a blogger, if I didn’t note my favorite Bob Eubanks moments – one from “The Newlywed Game***”, one from the closing credits of “Roger and Me”.  And since the latter one has been blocked due to "copyright infringement", I'll just quote Bob Eubanks' epic joke from the closing credits.

"Last week I was out mowing the yard with my shirt off, and my back got stiff.  My wife told me next time, to mow the yard with my pants off."

And that came right on the heels of "why don't Jewish women get AIDS?  They marry assholes, not f*ck them".

Mr. Bob Eubanks everyone!!!  (Pause).  God bless it, how did I not include "Card Sharks" in the Game Show Regional?  Epic brainfart on my part ...

(***: when "in the bathroom sink" isn't even CLOSE to the best "weirdest place you've ever hooked up" response?  Oh sweet merciful Jesus, that's awesome!)

11 “Survivor” over 6 “Family Feud”.  Hey, our first upset!  The reason for this is simple: (a) “Survivor”’s theme is better, and (b) compare the hosts.  Richard Dawson trumps Jeff Probst … but Ray Combs, Steve Harvey, Richard Karn, Peterman from “Seinfeld”, and (oh God) Louie Anderson get pummeled by Probst.  And in Ol’ Lou’s case, he might be into that kind of thing.

7 “Super Password” over 10 “Let’s Make a Deal”.  I’d argue this is a classic over/under value matchup.  Bert Convy is the most underrated game show host of all time; Monty Hall is the most overrated.  Convy would kick his ass.

Also, did you know that Betty White was married to original “Password” host Allen Ludden until he tragically passed?  That’s why Betty has appeared on every form of “Password” to ever exist.  You’re welcome.

2 “The Price Is Right” over 15 “To Tell The Truth”.  While I’m reflecting on the great, great panelists who’ve gone on to that panel in the sky, I would be failing miserably if I didn’t mention two of the greatest: Arlene Francis (of "What's My Line" fame) … and the comedic chops of one Soupy Sales.  Rest in peace guys.  Or guy and gal.  And damn, was Arlene Francis a gal.

(In case you cannot tell, my “parental raising in childhood” was basically me being dropped in front of a TV, tuned into USA all day, watching game shows and crappy courtroom dramas.  I miss childhood.)

Other Decade’s Sitcoms Regional:

1 “Good Times” over 16 “All In The Family”.  Please, God, I beg you -- PLEASE forgive me, for the voice I’m about to use.  (billy “fudge” packer voice) Now see here Jim – look at what the committee did.  They slotted a show about a barely getting by black family in the ghetto, to face off against a white bigot living a comfortable existence in Queens.  These type of matchups don’t just happen by chance!  (jim nantz voice) It’s called rigging the bracket!  (billy “fudge” packer voice) Exactly, Jim.  (cue smug, arrogant prick grin on Packer; “hello friends” creepy child molestor grin on Nantz and … scene).

9 “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” over 8 “One Day At A Time”.  Come on folks – there’s no way I’m letting the show I declared to be the “Worst Show in Television History” win a matchup.  But I will toss in some trivia – did you know that the travel agency where Ann and Barbara worked the final few seasons of “Time” … was recycled and used as the location for Al Bundy’s shoe store in “Married With Children”?  It’s true.  And again – you’re welcome.

5 “The Muppet Show” over 12 “The Norm Show”.  In the words of Waldorf and Stadler: “why do we always come here?  I guess we’ll never know.  It’s like a kind of torture, to have to watch the show!”

13 “Diff’rent Strokes” over 4 “Family Guy”.  I’m being serious here folks – of the seven major stars of this show (Conrad Bain, Dixie Carter, Charlotte Rae, Gary Coleman, Dana Plato, Todd Bridges, and Gordon Jump (the bike shop owner turned child molestor), what odds would you have gotten that Charlotte Rae and Todd Bridges would be the last two standing?  The other five, all departed.  All now just a nostalgic look back at what television used to offer.  Like this side boob.  Like that side boob?  Well it shouldn’t, because that’s my side boob.  Good night everyone!

3 “Sanford and Son” over 14 “The Facts of Life”.  Peoples and peepettes?  Check out these next four matchups, starting with this one.  I guaran-damn-tee you, that you could identify each theme song in fewer than five notes, and you probably know the words to at least five of them.  I’m telling you, this sub regional is LOADED.

6 “Benson” over 11 “MASH”.  Two songs with no words, just epic, epic music.  I like “Benson” way, way, way too much, to let it lose here, even though “Suicide Is Painless” is probably the far better song.

(Also, another "what are the f*cking odds?!?!" trivia fact -- Missy Gold, who played Governor Gatling's daughter on "Benson"?  Oh hell yes, that's Tracey Gold's older sister!  You know, Carol Seaver, on the "still alive in the 1980s sitcom bracket" "Growing Pains" team?  Again -- you're welcome.)

(Also, I should probably note -- my mom might ... scratch that -- will -- write me out of the, uuh, will, at having her favorite show of all time's theme song go out in round one.  (verne lundquist voice) Wonderful!)

7 “Laverne and Shirley” over 10 “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”.  Oh.  My.  God.  This might be a better first round matchup than anything the legitimate NCAA tournament gave us this year.  “Laverne” wins for two reasons – they’re from Milwaukee, and they work in a brewery.  Hard to top that.

(And hell yes, if you take the Lakefront Brewery tour, you get to hold that glove, put it on the conveyor belt, and belt this song out loud AND proud!)

15 “Roseanne (Final Season)” over 2 “Friends”.  And now, we have a stunner!  Holy cow!  Is the Other Decades Sitcoms Regional going to be our trainwreck?  “Roseanne” wins the stunner because I love Blues Traveler, and I’m probably the only person alive who didn’t hate the final season … whereas I checked out of “Friends” shortly after the “Fireball” episode in season five.

Dramas Regional:

1 “Hill Street Blues” over 16 “The Fall Guy”.  How do I put this delicately ... "NYPD Blue" is my favorite show of all time.  "Hill Street Blues", I would argue, is THE most influential show of all time.

9 "Mission: Impossible" over 8 "Friday Night Lights".  "Lights" theme song is overseeded by five slots; "Impossible" is underseeded by five slots.  Your classic "9 beats the crap out of 8" game.

12 "The Greatest American Hero" over 5 "Hunter (Final Season)".  If you're beating Hunter?  You're a damned solid team.  Or theme song, in this case.

4 "The Sopranos" over 13 "NYPD Blue".  Yes, "Blue" is my favorite show of all time ... but in the words of (bill walton voice) villiam valton -- it has a TERRIBLE theme song.  In the words of Charles Barkley -- it has a TURRIBLE theme song.  

3 "Dallas" over 14 "Law and Order".  A Loyola-Marymount in the Hank Gathers / Bo Kimble days 130-62 rout.  

(And since apparently I'm the only person who watches the "Dallas" reboot ... give the theme from the episode this season where JR is buried a listen.  It's so f*cking good ...)

6 "Twin Peaks" over 11 "Swingtown".  It's been five years, and I'm still fuming mad CBS caved to the idiot religious right, and pulled the plug on the most daring, honest, quality show a non-cable network has picked up since ... uuh ... yeah.  "Swingtown" was thirteen episodes of awesome.  The theme song?  Not so much.

10 "The Love Boat" over 7 "The A-Team".  Total coin flip.  Love them both.

(And I'm guessing, when he reads this "upset", that Jasson will hurl something at the screen he's reading this on, drop a "(blank) you Stevo!", and unfriend me on Facebook, for daring to go against The A-Team.  And dude?  You'd be totally, completely justified, in that response ... I'm having second thoughts myself ... until I saw the 2 seed.  "The A-Team" wouldn't get past the round of 32.  So let them go out quietly, and early.  But damn, I loved that show ...)

2 "LA Law" over 15 "The West Wing".  Good GOD, where do I begin on "why" "LA Law" wins out -- the music ... or the talent on the cast?  You have one of the Partridge kids (Susan Dey).  Eventual President Santos on "The West Wing", as well as eventual Detective Simone on "NYPD Blue" (Jimmy Smits).  You have Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen).  You have the dude who is married to Taylor McBride (Harry Hamlin ... and how I failed to get "Melrose Place" into the field of participants, is something I should be hammered by Clark Kellogg and Seth Davis for, for the next thirteen minutes).  Unreal.  This, to quote my dad's favorite line, "this is an ass kicking of Biblical proportions".  Yes.  Yes it is.

Here's where we stand, entering the Round of 32:

* The Round of 32.

1980s Sitcom Regional:

1 "Cheers" over 8 "The Wonder Years".  Honestly, I like "The Wonder Years" better ... but come on.  This is your typical "eight seed keeps it close to the under four, then the top seed pulls away" Saturday opener for the round of 32.

4 "The Golden Girls" over 5 "Saved By The Bell".  I cannot believe I am about to type this ... Naked Dorothy Spornak trumps Naked Jessie Spano.

6 "Married With Children" over 3 "Family Ties".  There may or may not be hired goons standing behind me, as I type this outcome.  #muchloveforthemafia

2 "Growing Pains" over 7 "ALF".  I ask this with all due respect -- is there ANY matchup imaginable that screams "sh*ttacular 80s sitcom!", than "Growing Pains" vs "ALF"?  No?  Good.

Game Shows Regional:

1 "Jeopardy" over 8 "High Rollers".  I guess Wink crapped out early (rimshot!)

5 "Press Your Luck" over 4 "Wheel of Fortune".  One of those "I can absolutely see either team winning this ... and taking out the one seed on Thursday" matchups I love to see come late March.

3 " The Match Game" over 11 "Survivor".  Fill in the blank.  "Gene Rayburn enjoyed hosting "Match Game" so much, he made Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly promise to (blank) at his funeral".  It's been fourteen years, and I still miss Gene Rayburn.

2 "The Price Is Right" over 7 "Super Password".  A buzzer beater.

Other Decade's Sitcom Regional:

1 "Good Times" over 9 "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air".  Jimmy Walker was Will Smith, before Will Smith knew who he was.  Kid (clap!) Dy-No-Mite! advances!  (everyone voice) You rigged this!  (stevo response voice) Hell yes I did ...

13 "Diff'rent Strokes" over 5 "The Muppet Show".  (everyone voice) Oh come on!  You TOTALLY rigged this!  Have you no shame?  Have you no decency?  (stevo voice) Can you please define the meaning of the words "shame" and/or "decency"?

3 "Sanford and Son" over 6 "Benson".  This one?  Hurt like a mo' fo'.  (Pause).  Yeah, I know -- fair and impartial.  The "Sanford and Son" intro is that damned good, that it has to advance.

7 "Laverne and Shirley" over 15 "Roseanne (Final Season)".  At the risk of throwing race into this (which -- I swear to God, is NOT what I intended), this regional is pretty much gonna be a 70s / early 80s African American sitcom (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, hoedown, throwdown!, is it not?

Dramas Regional:

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 9 "Mission: Impossible".  Surprisingly not even contested.

12 " The Greatest American Hero" over 4 "The Sopranos".  For a couple reasons, namely (a) one is an uplifting, "go for it!" theme, and the other is anything but, and (b) come on -- there isn't a kid my age (I am 36, halfway to 37) who didn't know every damned word to this theme song when they were 7 years old, jumping off the swingset as you reached peak height on the thing.  "Believe it or not?  I'm walking on air!  I never thought I could feel so free-ee-ee!!!"

3 "Dallas" over 6 "Twin Peaks".  Come on, we all know JR Ewing would have kicked Agent Cooper's ass eight ways from Sunday.

2 "LA Law" over 10 "The Love Boat".  Two more reasons why "LA Law" was so damned good -- hell yes, that's (almost) Vice President Leo McGarry in the credits ... and oh hell yes, that's Berta in the credits, for season six!

Here's where we stand, as the opening weekend is done, and we're headed to the Sweet 16:

If you thought getting here was tough?  Now we have to keep going!  There are some LOADED Sweet Sixteen matchups here folks!  And I mean loaded!  So let's get at it ...

* The Sweet 16.

1980s Sitcoms Regional:

1 "Cheers" over 4 "The Golden Girls".  You can accuse me of bias, you can accuse me of rigging the bracket, but good God folks, look at what Gary Portnoy's classic has survived so far: an underrated 90s classic ("My So Called Life"), the only cover of a Beatles song that was better than the original ("The Wonder Years"), and now, the power of cheesecake ("The Golden Girls").  And either NO MAAM or Leonardo DiCaprio await in the 1980s Sitcoms Regional Finals!  There's a reason why this was the top overall regional -- because whoever wins this thing, has EARNED their way to ... wherever the hell this Final Four is being staged at.

And since Stevo's Site Numero Dos rules and regulations require Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery (with Jay Bilas) to call any and all Final Four games we stage in any event?  We're placing this puppy in Atlantic City.  Or the Barclay's in Brooklyn.  Whatever Bill wants, he gets.  Done and done.

2 "Growing Pains" over 6 "Married With Children".  Any TV theme song good enough for Daughtry to cover?  Is making an Elite 8 appearance.

Game Shows Regional:

5 "Press Your Luck" over 1 "Jeopardy".  Our first one seed to bite the dust! The beauty of this epic, epic, epic run linked next?  He opened with a Whammy!, to throw the producers off his scheme.  Epic.  Absolutely epic.  

Plus, you gotta love how Peter Tamarkin (the host) is panicking as the game progresses ... and Michael Larsen's opponents, turn into his biggest cheerleaders.  

3 "The Match Game" over 2 "The Price Is Right".  Bob Barker never had a classic moment like this.

Other Decade's Sitcoms Regional:

1 "Good Times" over 13 "Diff'rent Strokes".  (Pause).  Is it time?  (Pause).  You think so?  (Pause).  I agree.

There's only one way to break this down ... ladies and gentlemen, we're taking this, to the "Tale of the Tape"!!!

Seven Head-To-Head Comparisons, to determine which craptacular 70s sitcom theme song that I can't get enough of, deserves the right to advance!!!

1. "Very Special Episode" Story Line.

Good Times: Penny gets the crap beat out of her by her mother.
Diff'rent Strokes: Dudley gets liquored up and molested by a bike shop owner.
Winner?  Diff'rent Strokes.  

2. "Horrific" National Catch Phrase.

Good Times: "Dy (clap!) No Mite!"
Diff'rent Strokes: "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
Winner?  Good Times.

3. Spin-Off Relationship.

Good Times: spun off from "Maude" and "All In The Family".
Diff'rent Strokes: spun "The Facts of Life".
Winner?  Push.  We're all winners here.

4. Strong, Opinionated Female Lead Characters.

Good Times: Florida Evans (played by Esther Rolle); Willona Woods (played by Janet DuBois).
Diff'rent Strokes: Edna Garrett (played by Charlotte Rae) and Maggie McKinney (played by Dixie Carter).
Winner?  Push.  We're all winners here.

5. Best Threesome of Siblings.

Good Times: JJ (played by Jimmie Walker), Thelma (played by Bern Nadette Stadis) and Michael (played by Ralph Carter).
Diff'rent Strokes: Arnold (played by Gary Coleman), Willis (played by Todd Bridges) and Kimberly (played by Dana Plato).
Winner?  Good Times.  They were all actually blood related, per the storyline.

6. First Major PSA Push by a Sitcom.

Good Times: STD awareness.
Diff'rent Strokes: DARE awareness.
Winner?  Diff'rent Strokes.  Hey, First Lady trumps penicillin.

So we're tied 2-2-2.  Game seven ...

7. Best Theme Song.

(classic sitcom theme song voice) Ain't we lucky we got 'em?  (na na na na na) Good Times!!!!!

3 "Sanford and Son" over 7 "Laverne and Shirley".  Sets up the best regional final since ... what, Duke / Kentucky in 1992?  This one's gonna be epic folks -- Sanford and Son versus the Evans family!

Dramas Regional:

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 12 "The Greatest American Hero".  And if you thought "Non 1980s Sitcom Regional"'s final was epic, I'm giving you this classic theme song against ...

3 "Dallas" over 2 "LA Law".  In the bastardized words of Kevin Harlan, "oh baby!  What a matchup!"  

Here's where we stand entering the Elite Eight:

* The Elite Eight.

1980s Sitcoms Regional Final:

1 "Cheers" over 2 "Growing Pains".  God bless it, what a matchup!  What a (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown!  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You think?  OK, ok, fine.

Ladies and Gentlemen ... your second "Tale of the Tape".

1. Lead male character's occupation.

Growing Pains: a psychiatrist.
Cheers: an recovering alcoholic bartender.
Winner: Cheers.

2. Did the lead male character write the show's theme song?

Growing Pains: yes.
Cheers: no.
Winner: Growing Pains.  Mr. Thicke also wrote the theme songs to "Wheel of Fortune", "Diff'rent Strokes", and "The Facts of Life", amongst other shows.

3. Wacky yet lovable character's nickname.

Growing Pains: Boner.
Cheers: Coach.
Winner: (amy poehler voice) Really?  Growing Pains.

4. Unknown actor who became a household name starring in the show's later seasons.

Growing Pains: Leonardo DiCaprio (played Luke Brewer).
Cheers: Woody Harrelson (played Woody Boyd).
Winner: push.  We're all winners here.

5. Female actress who had an eating disorder in real life.

Growing Pains: Tracey Gold (bulimia).
Cheers: Kirstie Alley (obesity).
Winner: push.  We're all losers here.

6. Devoutly religious star who forced the show to scrap storylines that went against his religious beliefs.

Growing Pains: Kirk Cameron.
Cheers: (none).
Winner: Cheers.

7. Best theme song.

(classic sitcom theme song voice) You wanna go where people know, your troubles are all the same!  You wanna go where everybody knows your name!!!

1980s Sitcoms Regional Champion: "Cheers".

Game Shows Regional Final:

3 "The Match Game" over 5 "Press Your Luck".  Sometimes, a matchup this epic -- pitting my two favorite game shows of all time against each other, qualifies as epic -- comes down to one simple question.

Which host voluntarily appeared on "Maury", before they sadly passed on from this life?

Son of a b*tch!  They BOTH appeared!  In the same damned episode!  In that case?  I gotta go with ... the guy who brings out his own phallic-style microphone ... to appear on a talk show, in which the output of a phallic-shaped thing, is routinely used to determine paternity on a nightly basis.

Game Shows Regional Champion: "The Match Game".

Other Decade's Sitcoms Regional Final:

3 "Sanford and Son" over 1 "Good Times".  OK, ok, fine -- can we FINALLY put to rest this ridiculous notion that I'm biased against anyone or anything (other than an organization known as "the denver broncos")?

If I was judging this based on the quality of the show?  "Good Times" wins 100 times out of 100.  But based on the theme song?  

How can you NOT pick "Sanford and Son"?  Has ANY song more perfectly defined an era of our lives, than the theme song to "Sanford and Son"?  I say no.

Other Decade's Sitcoms Regional Winner: "Sanford and Son".

Dramas Regional Final:

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 3 "Dallas".  (fidelity ad guy voice) Why not?

1. Major character's real life death from cancer, that rocked the show's quality to its foundation, in a bad way.

Hill Street Blues: Michael Conrad (who played Sgt. Phil Esterhaus; note I could not find the first rollcall scene after his passing on Youtube!, but it's epically good).
Dallas: Larry Hagman (who played J.R. Ewing; died in the rebooted series' second season).
Winner: push.  We are all losers here.

2. Show changed the face of television in a very good way.

Hill Street Blues: hell yes.
Dallas: hell yes.
Winner: Hill Street Blues.  Gave rise to my favorite show of all time, "NYPD Blue", six years later.

3. Creative-as-hell plot line nobody saw coming.

Hill Street Blues: that the captain of the precinct (played by Daniel Travanti) and the district attorney (played by Barbara Bosson) were married.
Dallas: that an entire season was nothing but a dream.
Winner: Dallas.  Especially since two of the more famous sitcoms of the last thirty years ("Newhart" and "Roseanne") blatantly plagarized this unique idea for their final episode.

4. Hot as hell (virtual) unknown who sprung to stardom through this show.

Hill Street Blues: Veronica Hamel.
Dallas: Victoria Principal.
Winner: Hill Street Blues.  Principal's big break came playing Rosa Amici in "Earthquake" four years before "Dallas" began.

5. Location show occurred in.

Hill Street Blues: never stated, but widely assumed to be inner-city Chicago.
Dallas: the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex.
Winner: Dallas.

6. Instrumental-only theme song everyone recognizes within the first five seconds?

Hill Street Blues: hell yes.
Dallas: hell yes.
Winner: push.  We are all winners here.

7. Best theme song.

Dramas Regional Winner: "Hill Street Blues".

Four shows.  Three matchups.  Two finalists.  One winner.

How things shape up for the Final Four:

Let's do this.

Final Four:

1 "Cheers" over 3 "The Match Game".  Gene Rayburn and company had a fine run, but it had to end sometime, and facing the powerhouse that is Gary Portnoy's epic composition, that sometime is now.

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 3 "Sanford and Son".  Two instrumentals going at it, and honestly, this one could go either way.  I think it speaks tremendously of my parents, that if you take a look at my scrapbook from childhood my mom and dad have, that when I was five, I knew every character's name on both shows.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well I think it speaks tremendously, and it's my site, so screw off!

Television Theme Song Championship:

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 1 "Cheers".  But honestly?  We are all winners here.

Greatest Television Theme Song Ever: "Hill Street Blues".

Hope this was at least semi-entertaining.  And feel free to sound off and disagree in the comments.  Half the fun of this, is that there were a solid eight to ten matchups, where I would make the argument, I picked the wrong winner.  

Below, is the entire field, played out to its' conclusion.  Until next time -- (sgt. phil esterhaus voice) let's be careful out there ...

(sammy hagar voice) i can't drive point oh five?

"Turn on the TV?
More crime in the streets.
More trouble in the Middle East,
And fires out west.

Politicians slingin' dirt;
Got dissention in the church.
Another lawsuit in the works?
Man, you talk about a mess.

Too much tension between Miss Liberty
And the Eiffel Tower.
It's about time we all made up
At some big happy hour.

I think the world needs a drink!
I think enough's enough!
She's been spinning around so long,
I'd say she's pretty wound up.

Calm down, sit back, relax!
Tear up the contracts and save the ink!
Yeah I think the world?
Needs a drink!"

-- "I Think The World Needs a Drink" by Terri Clark.

--------------------

I am sure that by now, pretty much everyone has heard about, if not read up on, the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB)'s recommendation that the legal limit for driving under the influence be decreased from it's current level of .08, to .05.

But in case you've been living in a cave, here's the story as it appeared in today's Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

Those of you who know me even casually, know that I can get my drink on with anyone.  And with noone.  I just tend to get my drink on.  Some people take out their frustrations on the dog*, some people take out their frustrations on a musical instrument, or a punching bag, or a Ricky Siglar special $10 hooker at the Cum-N-Go Motel on Independence Avenue.  Me?  I pound the bottle.  (OK, fine, tonight ... I'm pounding a box.  Yup, Franzia Chillable Red.  Deal with it.)

So as you might expect, I have my thoughts, my opinions, on this proposed reduction in the legal limit.  It's what my thoughts and opinions are, that may shock you ... at least at first ...

--------------------

(*: hang on, let me do this right.  (the great anthony j. bruno voice) We have an update?!?!  Let's go to our update desk, with our update correspondent, the lovely Miss Robin Austin!  "The Voice of Reason" confirmed some sad news today, upon completing the reading of my doctoral-level dissertation on "How To Destroy a Friendship 101"**.  Folks?  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, yeah!  Hang on, let me do this right.  (vice president (for how much longer?) biden voice) Folks!  Harry the Dog is dead!  A three letter word -- dead!  Yes, sadly, Harry passed away a little before his (and our) Ol' Pardner did.  I will be consuming an extra couple pints out of the five gallon box tonight, in Ol' Har's memory.  Oh, and to "The Voice of Reason"'s sister?  If you happen to stumble upon this?  The next time I step foot in the town you work for?  There better be a statue of Ol' Har next to the Ol' Pardner.  And he'd better be slurping VO mixed with Mountain Valley Spring Water in his water bowl.  Thanks in advance for taking care of that.)

(**: at best, and that's with a liberal, generous curve, the linked post above gets a R rating from the Motion Pictures Association of America.  And it's crossing dangerously close into NC-17 for foul, abusive, and obscene language.  To say nothing of telling Dustin to do something that is anatomically impossible*** not once, but twice.  My way of saying: read at your own risk.)

(***: unless you're named Ron Jeremy.  Then it might be anatomically possible.)

--------------------

So let me get the shock out of the way right off the bat.  I support the NTSB's efforts to lower the legal limit to .05.  I do for a number of reasons, that I'm going to lay out below.  And here's a hint: the last one?  Is the biggest, most important reason why, I back this proposal as strongly as I do.

1. Public safety.  Can we just be honest for a moment here?  There are people in life who can handle their liquor, and people who can't.  Lowering the legal limit to .05?  Is not going to phase people like me, who maintain at a bare minimum a .06 at all times, just as a residual from the night before.  People who drink a lot, are not going to be bothered by this change at all.  Put it this way: if I'm perfectly fine at a .08 to drive home?  I'm gonna be perfectly fine at a .05 to drive home.

Where this helps with public safety, is that it makes the "lightweights", the "amateurs" if you will, rethink their decision to drive after drinking.  There's a reason why I refuse -- refuse! -- to be out after 9pm on New Year's Eve.  It's "amateur hour".  Folks who let loose once, maybe twice a year, are out en masse on New Year's Eve.  Folks who have no idea how to tolerate large amounts of alcohol in a short period of time.  (I should also note: this is the same reason why I usually refuse to go out before 4pm on St. Patrick's Day.  The "amateurs" are passed out or jailed by 3pm.)

Those are the folks who are the legitimate, credible danger behind the wheel after a couple cocktails.  They're the "clear and present danger" to public safety, not (almost) alcoholics like me.  (Hey -- I only failed 10 of the 12 AA "you might be an alcoholic" questions.  For the record, the two I passed, keeping me, like Lt. John McClain "two -- two!" steps shy of alcoholism?  I don't hide my drinking.  (Unless a flask at sporting events counts, and I say it doesn't).  And I have never been terminated from my place of employment due to my alcohol (ab)usage.  (Pause).  My God, that means I failed 10 of the 12!  (scooby doo voice) whroot whrooh!)

Let me share a story again, and I know I've told it before, probably somewhere on this site.  Late July 2008.  I'm on a float trip with some friends down at River Ranch, and one of the guys there is a cop, and (go figure) he's brought a breathalyzer with him.  So in our drunken stupidity (it's pushing 11pm ... and yes, there was more than alcohol involved), we decide to wager who'll register the highest on this thing.

The cop (and I forget his name, but he was a friend of Phil's brother) notes before starting to administer this thing that "it notoriously under-blows", meaning, if you were a .13, it would show you as a .06, .07.  (Probably why it was readily available for our usage).  So we're going around the campfire, and of course, we're also wagering on exactly what that person is gonna blow.

It finally gets around to me.  Again -- it's 11pm, on a float trip Saturday, in 100 degree late July heat.  I also want to note -- Heath and I had discussed leaving that evening, since it was supposed to rain the next day, and everyone -- and I mean everyone -- thought I was perfectly good to go.  So it gets around to me, and the highest anyone guessed was a .15, .16.  Most guesses for me were coming in at about a .10, .11, .12 -- a little intoxicated, but with my "grizzled veteran status", again -- noone thought my driving home at that hour was an issue.

I blew a .26.  And the thing under-reports, by it's owner's admission, to the tune of a .05, .06.

Meaning I was literally four times the legal limit ... and was so unfazed, the two people there who had not touched a drop of alcohol that day, thought I was ok to drive Heath and I home.

People like me?  Won't be affected in the slightest by dropping the legal limit to .05.  The people it will affect?  Will help save lives.

2. Increased revenue.  I've never understood this opposition to punishing people via financial means for breaking the law.  Never understood it.  You run a red light?  You chose to break the law.  Pay your fine.  You drove 82 in a 65?  You chose to break the law.  Pay your fine.  You consume one too many for your tolerance level, then get behind the wheel?  You chose to break the law.  Pay your fine.

And sadly, it's usually conservatives who are outraged at this "intrusion of government" into our lives.  Guys? This is EXACTLY when government should intrude into our lives!  To protect it's citizens from mortal danger!  President Lincoln (and eventually requoted by President Reagan) put it best: "government should only do for the people, what they cannot do for themselves".  Bango!  You, a private citizen, cannot ensure some mid-50s woman whose husband just left her for the smoking hot 22 year old secretary, and is drowning her sorry in vodka, will not get behind the wheel, and kill you.  The police?  At least have a chance to prevent it, and potentially save your life.  This is what we need government for -- for what we cannot do ourselves!

And if you don't want to get a DUI?  Don't drive after you've been drinking!  It's called a "choice".  It's a "decision".  It is YOUR call, noone else's.  If you get caught?  Look in the damned mirror and blame yourself, not some overzealous cop simply trying to ensure public safety (and add to the public coffers).

And please -- spare me the "well, you get a DUI and see how much it costs you, buddy!"  I have a DUI.  I am fully aware how expensive those suckers are, and mine was almost 11 1/2 years ago.  Even back in the late winter of 2002, until the probation period was over in early fall 2004, I shelled out, between court costs, fines, SATOP fees and classes, and probation costs, to say nothing of hiring a semi-competent attorney to represent me, nearly $5,000.  And that was 11 1/2 years ago.  Guys?  Gals?  Peoples and peepettes?  There's a damned good reason why, for the last five years we lived together, if I drove somewhere with "The Voice of Reason"?  I handed him the damned keys as soon as we got there.  It's called "personal responsibility".  God forbid anyone in this country practice it anymore.

3. A reduction in alcoholism, and it's costs to society.  Whoa, I'm arguing FOR that?  Yes.  Yes I am.  Look it, between family genes and my craptacular existence, I am who I am.  But even I can reign it in from time to time.  Even I have cut back to "only" five nights a week.  (Mondays (non-football season) and Thursdays are booze free in the Casa de Stevo!  For a whole 8 weeks and counting!  Baby steps!)

Let's be honest: alcohol abuse is, if not the number one cause of absenteeism in the workforce, it's in the top two.  I can admit I've had "phone in drunk" days in my professional career.  And I'm gonna guess damned near every person reading this, has had at least one "phone in drunk" day in theirs as well.

4. A reduction in unnecessary premature demises.  Guess what folks?  In Europe, when the Eurozone went to .05 BAC limits?  Deaths caused by intoxicated driving were cut in half ... in barely ten years.  (The Eurozone is a comparable population-size to the US of A ... and if anything, they drink more over there, than we do here.)  I'm normally not one of these "if one life is saved, it's worth it" people ... but if one useless death is prevented?  Then lower the damned BAC by a beer every 90 minutes.  I mean really -- if I can't make do on four Coors Lights in 90 minutes?  I have FAR bigger problems, than making do on four Coors Lights, in 90 minutes.

5. A reduction in domestic violence, and other assorted crimes.  Can I prove this?  No, I cannot.  Other than to say this: if you're someone who cannot risk being nailed with an alcohol-related arrest for your employment and/or "free from incarceration" purposes ... you're gonna think twice about buying that "one last beer before I go".  You're gonna think twice about buying two at halftime of the Chiefs / Cowboys game come September 15th, let alone think twice about buying one.  You're going to make more responsible, informed, sensible choices.

It's certifiable fact that in most communities, domestic violence rates skyrocket after the home team loses a "crucial" game, especially a season-ending contest.  If LESS alcohol is involved in the angry fans' systems, it seems logical to assume that LESS violence and crime will occur, right?  Seems logical to me.  But then again, logic isn't my strong suit.

6. A reduction in societal stupidity.  For someone who likes to drink as much as I do?  I cannot STAND to be around completely intoxicated people.  They drive me bat sh*t crazy.  I cannot stand to be around someone who's lost all tether to reason and competence, between because they're so drunk they can't even stand up. Again, part of that is my very unhealthy tolerance -- but mostly, I just find sloshed people to be obnoxious assholes who need to shut the hell up.  If fewer of those people are walking this planet?  Then lower the damned BAC to .05!

I could keep going, and maybe I should, but it's reason numero siete, that nails why I love this push by the NTSB:

7. Because maybe -- just maybe -- this will FINALLY wake the "low information voters" up, to just how out of control government has gotten over the last 13 years.

What else needs to be said?  Hit the low information crowd, where they'll feel it ... and maybe they'll get it.

So please, NTSB?  Push to lower the legal limit to .05, for all the right reasons, as outlined in points uno to seis?  And I'll back you full throttle.

And then fight like hell to oppose you, because of numero siete ...

the decade that was: 2004

"I went out driving,
Trying to clear my head.
I tried to sweep out all the rooms
That my emotions left.

I guess I'm feeling just
A little tired of this,
And all the baggage that seems
To still exist.

It seems the only blessing
I have left to my name?
Is not knowing what we could have been,
What we should have been.

So ...

Take your records, take your freedom.
Take your memories -- I don't need them.
Take your space and take your reasons --
But you'll think of me.

And take your cap, but leave my sweater;
Because we have nothing left to weather.
In fact?  I'll feel a whole lot better.
But you'll think of me ..."

-- "You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban, a gigantic hit to close out 2004 ...

--------------------

No year of my existence has been as painful, as 2004 was.  Personally, professionally, sports wise -- nothing, and I mean nothing, has hurt as much as 2004 did.

So if this latest installment in "The Decade That Was" is depressing, causes tears to flow, causes you to say "good God, that sucked!" ... well, yes: 2004 sucked.  Somehow, it sucked worse than 2002, and all 2002 saw was a $42,000 gambling addiction, a DUI, a couple nights in lockup, the introduction of Leif into my professional career, and one near suicide attempt.  Yet 2004 was worse.  Unreal.

Here then, is the look back at the worst year of my existence ... 2004.

--------------------

Prior Installments In the "Little Series That Could":

* The Bonus Year: 1998.
* The Decade That Was: 2000.
* The Decade That Was: 2003.
* The Decade That Was: 2006.
* The Decade That Was: 2008.

And now ... 2004.

--------------------

* The year began as most New Year's do for me: a couch, Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve, and a bottle of something alcoholic in nature.

* My 27th birthday was relatively uneventful ... other than for the fact that for the first time in a few years, the Cowboys were in the playoffs (they got pounded at Carolina).  I recall a pizza being ordered, and a few adult beverages being consumed, for Quincy Carter's only postseason start.

I should probably note: when January 3rd is arguably the "highlight" of your year, and it involves you, "the Voice of Reason", a meat lovers pizza from Pizza Hut, and a couple frosty cold Sam Adams?  It's one horrific year.  As you're about to read.

* Eleven days into the new year, the Chiefs were still playing, hosting the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday, January 11, 2004, in the divisional round of the playoffs.  It was an unseasonably warm day -- pushing 60 degrees at kickoff.  I know this, because (a) I'm anally retentive like that, but (b) this was the last Chiefs game "as we knew it".

I had jokingly been asking for two weeks for steak kabobs for tailgating, because nobody makes a better tailgating spread than Nancy with her steak kabobs.  The last two home games in 2003, were both kicked off with below freezing temperatures (and "The Voice of Reason" and I had ventured to Minnesota for the road game in between said home games).  It was damned cold.  So I begged, I pleaded -- "if it's above freezing, and if you can stand it, can I request ..."

To this day, I'm glad I begged.

* So many details about that year are seared in me, given how tragic, how awful, the year turned out to be.  8:02 was the answer to the "When Will Randy Call" idiotic "kill the time" game we used to play on the drive to Arrowhead that January morning.  I remember because Gregg damned near lost control of the Accord, coming around the curve, headed into downtown on 670, when the phone rang, and I remember dropping the "no, really, you're supposed to be the sober driver!" comeback at him.

Sweet merciful Jesus, what I wouldn't give for one more "When Will Randy Call" idiotic "kill the time" game on the ride into Arrowhead ...

* We got our steak kabobs that day.  We also got a defeat -- Colts 38, Chiefs 31, in a game in which neither team punted.  The most painful moment came late.  Chiefs trailed 31-17 with eight minutes to go.  Dante Hall takes it to the house.  31-24.  I argued very, very, very loudly that the time for an onside kick was NOW.  The Chiefs kicked off.  Touchback.

I've been in the hallowed grounds of Arrowhead Stadium for many magical moments.  I have NEVER heard Arrowhead louder, than on the 3rd and 6 that ensued.  Everyone in that stadium knew, that if the defense held, we were gonna tie this game, and seize destiny ... and if the Colts converted, we were screwed.

peyton manning to Reggie Wayne, 6 yards and two inches.  First down.

Ballgame.

* From mid-January to mid-February, not a whole lot happened with me.  Until the night of February 13th (which was a Friday, if I remember right), when I was driving home with some dinner from Pizza Shoppe, and (stunner) I got pulled over for speeding.  A seemingly insignificant event, and it should have been.  Only thanks to our "good friends" in the City of Shawnee ... it wasn't.

In the words of my high school history teacher?  (mr. hoduski voice) Stay tuned ...

* Come late February, after the Royals signed Juan Gonzalez, "The Voice of Reason" and I have our most inspired ... in a completely "what the f*ck were you thinking?!?!?!" kind of way ... idea of all time.

We're not just gonna have season tickets to the Chiefs.  And to KU Football.  Oh no -- we need the trifecta of punishment.

We're going all in ... on our Kansas City Royals.

I asked my buddy Brett to get us in touch with a Lancer, one thing led to another, and next thing you know, we have a notice in our mailbox on Friday, March 12th (I cheated -- I looked this date up), that the Fed Ex guys had tried to deliver our season tickets to us, but since we were both gainfully employed, at least one of us had to head out to the Fed Ex place to pick them up.

I mention this, for three reasons.  (1) If you ever -- and I mean EVER -- get the urge to buy a full season ticket package for a major league baseball team?  Find a toilet and flush the cash down said toilet -- it'll hurt less.  (2) A couple years later, when we were cleaning out the desk area in the kitchen, we came across the season ticket book.  No ticket after July 19th was used.  And (3) this would be the beginning of one horrific weekend for me.

* That Sunday was WrestleMania (insert number here -- I'm 94% confident it was XIX I'm 100% confident it was XX).  As always, "The Voice of Reason" and I took Mean Gene Okerlund up at his request, and called our cable and/or satellite provider, to order some quality WWE programming at (I'm guessing) $29.95 for the night.  And as always, "The Voice of Reason" and I opened the house up to anyone who wanted to come over and watch.  There were a few co-workers of mine, and some friends of ours, that showed up to watch.  I was most hyped for the HHH / Chris Benoit / Shawn Michaels title match.  (Jesus, that sounds even worse in hindsight, than it did at the time.)

After sitting through a few horrific undercard matches, and enduring a few decent bouts, it was pushing 10pm, and the doorbell rang.

On my doorstep, were two of Shawnee's finest.  One of which I had gone to high school with.

That speeding ticket from February?  The one I'd left a check in the overnight drop box at City Hall (which in Shawnee, doubled as the courthouse back then) five days earlier, the day it was due to be paid?

Yeah.  Said check never got applied to said speeding charge.

Let that sink in -- the city of Shawnee has so little actual crime, that "failing" to pay a ticket, results in an arrest warrant that's actually executed four days later.  Un (blanking) believable.

So, instead of enjoying WrestleMania's main event ... I got to spend a lovely four hours in the Johnson County lockup watching some crap-tacular rerun on TBS in the holding area.

* Even worse -- although I'd somehow had the foresight to leave my wallet behind, they wouldn't let Mr. "Voice of Reason" bail me out with my check card ... so my dad had to show up to bail me out.

Or as my dad put it: "Come on kid -- if you're gonna get popped for something, at least let it be (a) legit(imate charge)!  Who gets hauled in for speeding?"

Uuh ... this guy?

* But worst of all -- my co-workers who'd been there that night, knew I'd disappeared, but didn't know why.  So when I finally made it into work on Tuesday, all my other co-workers were like "wow, what'd you miss yesterday for?"  They were convinced that I'd gotten blitzed, or somehow scored a hot girl for the night, or (insert your fantasy here).  And major props to Tucker for keeping his mouth shut about what really happened ... but yeah, it hit the fan that "wait -- the city didn't cash your check (for a ticket), so they hauled you in?"

Doesn't really help your "street cred".  Although my boss thought it was hysterical.  Needless to say, my checking account was not laughing.

* Gregg and I finally picked up the season tickets for the Royals that Monday.  Two days earlier (pre-arrest), I'd picked up six tickets for what I was most looking forward to that summer, the Projekt Revolution Tour concert at Sandstone.  Korn, Snoop Dogg, and Linkin Park.  We'll get back to this as the year unfolds.

--------------------

"Yeah!"

-- "Yeah!" by Usher, THE massive smash hit of 2004, that I couldn't stop listening to on the drive to ...

* Last weekend in March, and KU was still alive and kicking.  They survived Illinois-Chicago and Pacific in the final tournament games played at Kemper, then throttled UAB in the Sweet 16 at the "whatever the hell they call it" Dome in St. Louis.

That Sunday, I headed the four hours east, met "the Voice of Reason", our buddy Adam's folks (who I'd gotten my ticket through), and a few other friends at the Landing for some pre-gaming, and then, headed into the Dome for the Elite Eight matchup with Georgia Tech.

I have never attended a more painful sporting event in my life.

Two years earlier, I walked into the Dome on a Saturday in late March, convinced beyond all shadow of doubt that I was going to watch KU lose to Stanford.  (When I get around to reliving 2002, this game will feature prominently, as it's my favorite KU game I've ever attended.)  On this Sunday, I entered the Dome one hundred percent convinced I was going to watch KU reach the Final Four for the third straight season.

KU led twice -- at the under twelve timeout of the second half (by two), and in the opening seconds of overtime (by two).  They overcame not one, not two, but three double digit deficits, the final overcome by a "holy f*cking sh*t!" three pointer by JR Giddens on an offensive rebound with :17 to go, and then KU survived not one, not two, but three final point-blank attempts by Will Bynum to get to overtime.

And in overtime, Keith Langford fouled out early, Aaron Miles fouled out late, and Georgia Tech -- a loaded squad in hindsight, with Jarrett Jack (who hit every damned shot he, uuh, jacked up), JR Crittendon, Will Bynum, and some freshman named Chris Bosh -- would still be standing a week later, before falling to UConn in the title game.

And as if walking two miles back to the car, through the bullet-riddled blocks of St. Louis isn't hurtful enough?  It was POURING down rain.  I mean, monsoon-like conditions.

It's been nine years, and that game still hurts like it happened yesterday.

But that National Championship Monday?

It's been nine years, and the game I attended that day, still makes me smile like it happened yesterday ...

--------------------

"I'm surrounded by liars, everywhere I turn.
I'm surrounded by imposters, everywhere I turn.
I'm surrounded by identity crisis, everywhere I turn.
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned ...

That I don't wanna be anything other than
What I've been trying to be lately!
All I have to do?  Is think of me,
And I have peace of mind!

I'm tired of looking around rooms,
Wondering what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be --
I don't wanna be anything,
Other than me!"

-- "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw, a huge hit in early 2004.

* That first Monday in April kicked off what probably was the one truly good week of 2004.  The Royals, for the first time in nearly twenty years, a trendy "yeah, they can absolutely make the playoffs" pick, opening the season at home against the Chicago White Sox.  It was a gorgeous Monday -- pushing 75 degrees, not a cloud in the sky.

"The Voice of Reason" and I's season tickets that year -- (gulp) for the whole damned season (gulp) -- was on the first row of the upper deck, right behind first base.  336, 1, 1 and 2.  Could not choose better seats if you tried.  At $5 / game, you'd think it was a bargain, a steal.

It's the biggest waste of $600 (counting parking) of my life.  And yes -- I am fully aware I had season tickets for the final couple Terry Allen years at Kansas, once I moved back to KC in 1999.  I guess you can add Royals Season Tickets to Strip Clubs and Flyovers as "the biggest waste of money known to man".

But for one day, one magical day in early April, the investment was worth it.

The Royals entered the bottom of the ninth, trailing 7-3.  Somehow, they got a run across, and with two on, the immortal Mendy Lopez came up to the plate.  This exact conversation occurred:

(gregg) he's going yard here.
(stevo) not a chance in hell.
(gregg) he's going yard here.
(stevo) if Mendy Lopez hits this out of the park, I've got dinner at Morton's, on me.
(gregg) deal.

You all know my gambling luck when it comes to sports -- after all, I post the weekly NFL guesses as a courtesy to the gambling community, to know who not to bet on.  You can guess what happened next.

And after a Carlos Beltran homer to end it, we were off to ... Famous Dave's.  Come on gang -- I can't afford Morton's.  It's the best $22 dinner I've ever bought for someone else.  Gregg was even nice -- he capped the beer purchases at five, I believe.  And it was just about the only Royals highlight of the season.

* That Thursday, I attended my first Royals game ever with "the Champ"*, and that Friday and Saturday I went with my buddy Anthony to the games.  Why, you ask, was "the Voice of Reason" bailing on Royals games not even a week into the season?  Especially when the Royals opened 4-2?  (Only to close 54-102)?

Because he had better things to be at.

Namely, Augusta National Golf Club ...

* where on Sunday, Phil Mickelson finally broke through, winning a major for the first time, making up a five stroke deficit with seven holes to play, to edge out Ernie Els with a closing stretch for the ages:

Birdie on 12.
Birdie on 13.
Birdie on 14 (and two inches from eagle).
Birdie on 15.
Birdie on 16.
Par on 17.
Birdie on 18 (for the win ... and yes, Jim Nantz, it WAS his time!)

It was Easter Sunday, and I began the day at church with the folks, then over at my uncle's for a late lunch and some quality family bonding time (aka "gambling via some card game").  I poked my head into the room where the TV was on, and saw Mickelson was imploding on the front nine, and said my goodbyes and headed home.  (Phil entered the final round tied for the lead.)

I got home as Phil drained a miraculous par saving putt on 11.  It was the start of the best two hours of golf I've ever watched.  And to this day, in Mr. Reason's office, there's a framed photo of his reaction to Phil's putt to win on 18.  What I wouldn't give to witness history like that someday.

--------------------

(*: yes, "The Champ" and I have our issues at the moment.  The present doesn't undo the (mostly) fun and (always) memorable, uuh, memories of the past.)

--------------------

"I got 99 problems, but the b*tch ain't one!"

-- "99 Problems" by Jay-Z, another big hit in 2004.

* As referenced in the 2003 look-back, I had a manager at work that was damned near unbearable to work for.

And in late April 2004, that bastard finally got his justified reward.

It was a Friday.  The other two managers in our department were off that day, for whatever reason.  And then Leif disappeared for a solid four hours.  Normally?  Not a big deal.  Except we had a legitimate medical situation -- namely, a sick employee who needed to go home, and there wasn't a manager there to sign off on it.

Toss in his sexual harassment of female co-workers, his drug abuse, and his horrific treatment of me back in 2003, and I reached my breaking point.  And yes, I'm an opportunist.  So I placed a quick call to our HR rep a couple floors down, noted the situation, and asked what we should do.  Things escalated in a hurry, and the following Monday, Leif was fired with cause for a myriad of things, not the least of which was being a drug abusing, sexually harrassing asshole.

I wasn't the only one celebrating his demise.  Come to think of it, I can only recall one person upset at his demise: our department chair LeRoy.  Who called me into his office as the firing was going down, to verbally slap me down for my role in getting Leif canned.

I never had much respect for LeRoy.  What little I did have, vanished that morning.  If (ok, fine -- when) we get to the 2005 look-back on this site, I'll delve more into just how shitty our management was in that department (save for Stan).  There's a reason why in my current job (where we're virtually all ex-Transamerica folks), noone from any position of importance in reinsurance, has been hired on.  And that reason would be a complete lack of ethics, a complete lack of character, a complete lack of common sense. (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well yes, I know that's three reasons.  What's your point?  If Vice President Biden can declare jobs to be a three letter word, I can claim one reason equals three!

* Memorial Day 2004, one of the rare times I didn't head up to Indy for the 500.  The Champ had his housewarming party that weekend -- that was fun.  Buddy Rice won a rain shorted event -- neat, because it put David Letterman in Victory Lane.

And that Friday night, Jasson and I took in the Royals and Twins game, where some dude named Zack Greinke made his Kauffman Stadium debut.  When Greinke's debut ranks as one of the five best games of the decade?  You've had a pretty sh*tty decade, as a franchise.

* Fathers Day 2004, is probably my second favorite game from the decade: Royals (Greinke) vs Mets (Glavine).  I have rarely, if ever, been as geeked for a ballgame, as I was for this one, and it didn't disappoint.  Anytime you have a chance to watch two epic pitchers like Zack Greinke and Tom Glavine go at it for a day, you gotta show up.

* The last Royals game I made that season, was a Saturday right after the All Star Break.  Almost half a season worth of tickets never got used.  Good God, that was a waste of money.  That Saturday, the Saturday of The Open Championship, I got a call about 11am from my buddy Phil, asking if we had any extras for the game (it was a rare FOX broadcast day game, against the Twins).  Gregg took about 2/1,000,000,000,000,000th of a second to say "he can have mine!", so me, Phil, his brother Jon, and some other dude took the day in.  Again -- middle of July, I have pre-purchased tickets to every game remaining ... and I made none of them.  You'd think the Royals lost 104 games that year or something.  (Pause).  Oh.  Yeah.  They did.

* The rest of the summer was pretty uneventful, heading into late August.  I know we took in race weekend at the Speedway to open July, but I'll be damned if I can remember anything about it.  I'm sure we had the annual "Gregg and Steve Blow Up the Backyard BeerBBQ Bonanza" the Saturday night of race weekend, but again, I'll be damned if I can remember anything about it.  In both cases?  That's probably a good thing.

Because come August 20th, life was about to change, in ways you wouldn't (for the most part) wish upon your worst enemy ...

--------------------

"We watched him drink his pain away,
A little at a time.
But he never could get drunk enough,
To get her off his mind,
Until the night ...

He put that bottle to his head, and pulled the trigger,
And finally drank away her memory.
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had, to get up off his knees.

We found him with his face down in the pillow,
With a note that said I'll love her 'til I die.
And when we buried him beneath the willow?
The angel sang a whiskey lullaby ..."

-- "Whiskey Lullaby" by Brad Paisley (featuring Alison Krauss), one of my favorite songs released in 2004, if not my favorite.  And yes -- as the long-time serving President of the "NYPD Blue Is THE Greatest TV Show Ever" Club, and as the long-time serving President of the "Rick Schroder Was THE Worst Thing To Happen To NYPD Blue" Club, this music video really conflicts me ...

* Friday, August 20, 2004, started out as a day full of promise, of hope, of fun times to come.

For starters, we had this thing called "Short Fridays" at Transamerica -- between Memorial Day and Labor Day, we only worked until lunch on Fridays, then got paid afternoons off.  I loved -- loved -- that perk of the job.  Also, this particular Friday, we were having our work fantasy football league draft at Dusty's that afternoon.  Nothing says "Stevo is into full on football mode" like me hauling the Chadwick Pennington jersey out of the closet to wear for the day.  And to cap the trifecta of what should have been an amazing, incredible day for all the right reasons, I was supposed to swing by my brother's apartment on the way home from the draft, to pick up the Mangy dog, and take him to my place for the weekend ... and then hightail it to the Plaza, because my brother was going to propose to his girlfriend Ashley that night, and he wanted his close friends and family to be there, when the moment went down.

Oh sweet Lord Jesus, how I wish that was all that had happened on August 20th.

Because August 20th was the start of the worst two months of my life.

Eight weeks.  Three deaths.  Two by choice.  The first, on August 20, 2004 ...

--------------------

* If you've ever seen "Titanic", and let's be honest here, who hasn't?  If you've seen "Titanic", you might remember the scene where Rose holds her old mirror, and begins telling her story of what happened that night.  ("It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint ...")  Or maybe you're reading this, and you're more my parents age, and you remember exactly where and what you were doing, when President Kennedy was shot.  (Or my age, and remember forever where you were on Tuesday, September 11, 2001.  When I get to reliving 2001, I might finally relive that day.)

Friday, August 20th, 2004, is a day I will never forget a single detail of.

The day, as noted above, started with hope and promise.  And started innocently enough -- me, getting ready for work a little after 6am, having fed Priest and Phogger, let them out into the back yard to do their business, and I had FOX4 on the television in my bedroom.  They kept replaying a wreck from the night before that had occurred on 435, heading east, just as you begin the descent down the hill between 35 and Quivira.  I didn't think much of it, other than to note something like "damn, that had to hurt".

I headed into work that morning.  Worked my five hours.  Headed over to Dusty's after work, to have our fantasy draft.  (Note: any team built around Chadwick Pennington as your quarterback?  Is a total and complete waste of money.  Cue the "no sh*t Sherlock" gallery ...)  I got all the draft recorded in Excel, then me, Dusty, Ben and Brett enjoyed a few adult beverages, may have enjoyed a medicially legal product, and chucked the football around for awhile, before I had to get going.  I still had to pick up Major, take him to my place, and make the Plaza for Drew's proposal.

I start the car, head down View High towards 470, and check my phone, lying in the passenger's seat.  I notice I have eleven missed calls, and six voice mails.  I don't get eleven calls in a month most of the time, let alone in a day.  So I start checking the voice mails.  The first is my mom -- "when you get this, call us at the house".  The second is my brother -- "hey, call me when you get a chance, please".  I was worried either something had happened to my dad, or the engagement was off.

The third voice mail was from my buddy Jason Sheahan, who I hadn't talked to in probably three years, since he moved to Arizona after college.  "Hey Steve, I got your number from your mom, and I got some bad news to tell ya ..."

The driver of the truck that wrecked on 435 earlier that morning, was my buddy James.  It was his 26th birthday.  A one car wreck, caused by turning his pickup into the retaining wall at a ridiculously high speed, in rainy conditions.

The exact way I had planned to kill myself, two and a half years earlier.  (Scroll to the bottom of the link to read that story.)

* I got ahold of Sheahan as I pulled into the parking lot of Drew and Ashley's apartment, to pick up Major (who, in classy Major fashion, took a gigantic deuce in the common area while I was taking him to my car ... and in classy Stevo fashion, I didn't bother to clean it up).  I hung up with Jason, then took Major to my place (Gregg was gone for some reason; I'm guessing "at least one of us has a social life" would be the reason).  I changed clothes, put Major out back with Priest and Phogger, headed to the Plaza, and tried to enjoy the evening as best I could ... but honestly, how do you celebrate one good friend's fortune, when another has made the most difficult decision imaginable, to check out of this life voluntarily?

That Sunday was hot as hell.  I spent it at the pool.  I headed home, changed clothes, and went to James' wake that evening.  The third most depressing thing I've ever been at in my life.  (The two most depressing things, are still to come.)

* I left the funeral home, and on my drive home, Nancy called me, regarding getting the tickets for the next evening's preseason game against the Rams.  She attempted to tell me how bad things had gotten with Randy, but I just wasn't processing two plus two at this point.  I've just walked out of a room where one of my best friends growing up, a guy I got in so much trouble with it's ridiculous, is laying dead by his own choice.  I agreed to meet her the next day to pick them up, and ended the call.  This subplot was just beginning to be played out, sadly.

* The next morning (Monday August 23rd), I headed into work at 6am; I had a major reconciliation project that was supposed to be done on Friday.  I had planned on finishing it that weekend, to meet the first thing Monday morning deadline.  With that shot, I headed in early to do what I could, before James' funeral at 10am.  My department boss Stan (who was always the first to arrive), headed my way about 6:30, and was like "wow you're here early", then noticed me in a suit and tie, and (I think) jokingly asked "so, who's the interview with"?  Christ, I wish it was an interview, I was dressed up for.

On my way out a little before 9am, I ran into Dusty headed into work.  We confirmed our plans for the following day (the Projekt Revolution concert), and he noted "what, off to an interview"?  My response: "nope, off to bury a friend who was going with us tomorrow".

As the summer wore on, the original six of us who were earmarked for those tickets -- me, Gregg, Dusty, my brother, Ben, and my buddy Neeck -- had gradually worn down.  Ben dropped out due to "not being able to afford it".  (Shocker.)  My brother and Neeck dropped out because of work obligations.  I managed to convince James to use one of the three available's, but that still left two I was gonna eat the cost of.

Now, I was back to eating the cost of three.

* James' funeral was as depressing as imaginable.  I saw so many old friends I hadn't seen or talked to in years -- Troy, Macoubrie, Lori, Mark.  My brother came as well.

* After the funeral mass and lunch, it was off to Arrowhead for the Chiefs / Rams preseason game.  It was pouring down rain all day -- probably appropriate, given the events of the day for me.  It was insanely cold for late August -- barely 70 degrees out.

Before heading to Arrowhead though, I had to get my ticket from Nancy (and the two extras I pawned off on someone that evening).  And our meeting started to reveal just how bad things had gotten with Randy, a harbinger of things still to come in hindsight.  Honestly, I couldn't take any more bad news -- I'd just buried one of my best friends growing up.

I just needed a release, a day to simply escape reality as it existed.

Cue Tuesday, August 24, 2004.

--------------------

"Hearing your name?  The memories come back again.
I remember when it started happening.
I see you in every thought I had, and then
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them.

And I knew as they escaped away?
I was committing myself to them.  And everyday?
I regret saying those things, 'cause now I see?  That I
Took what I hated, and made it a part of me.

(It never goes away.)
(It never goes away.)

And now you've become a part of me!
(You'll always be right here)
You've become a part of me!
(You'll always be my fear)
I can't separate
(Myself from what I've done)
Giving up a part of me?
I've let myself become you ..."

-- "Figure .09" by Linkin Park, off the "Meteora" cd that the Projekt Revolution tour was started in 2004, in support of ...

--------------------

* That Tuesday started as a typical day, other than that I had the day off.  Dusty was working a half day, as was Gregg.  They both got to the house around noon.  Gregg spent a few hours taking a nap; Dusty spent a few hours whipping my Chadwick Pennington led Jets at Madden 2004.  (Funny -- even on a video game, the Chadwick Pennington led (and more importantly, Stevo coaching led) Jets had issues.  Shocking!)

We headed for Sandstone a little after 2pm, planning to get some quality drinking time in ahead of entering the concert.  When we got there, we were informed the parking lot didn't open until 4pm.  Uum, what?  I've been to plenty of DMB and 311 concerts at Sandstone; the parking lots are always open way early.

So we made the (dmb voice) best of what's around -- we headed across the street to the park, and set up tailgate there.  You know you're in Wyandotte County when you've got three guys drinking beer in a park's parking lot, with two of us passing a medicinally legal in certain states product between each other, on a 95 degree day.  White trashy?  Of course!  Nothing but the best!

* Dusty had managed to hawk my three remaining tickets, and not just hawk them -- he got face value for them.  Unbelievable, that kid.

* So after plowing through a case of Miller Lite*, enjoying a couple blunts, and burning damned near every inch of skin north of our waistlines, I thought the first two bands (which were some local act and Less Than Jake, who I despise) were done, which meant that the Used were up next, and then the big three headliners -- Snoop Dogg, Korn, and Linkin Park.

I was wrong.  Turns out there were two local bands to open, so we headed in early, only to have to suffer through Less Than Jake.  I once again profoundly apologize for this counting screw-up.  I'm the accountant in the group; if anyone has no excuse to screw up the math, it's me.

(*: I used to be addicted to Miller Lite.  I gave it up cold turkey when Kurt Busch took over the Blue Deuce for Rusty Wallace, when Rusty retired after the 2005 Cup season.  Save for every Wednesday night in bowling league for four years, I have not had a drop of Miller Lite since Rusty walked away on his terms.  I'm a Coors Light / Coors Banquet guy now for the cheap mass-produced domestics, with the occasional Bud heavy mixed in.)

* Mickey arrived sometime during the Used's set, and Jon and his kid arrived sometime after they finished.  And again, I somehow got face value on three tickets I was prepared to eat the cost of.  That really came in handy with the inflated beer tab, due to my "OK, Less Than Jake is done, we can head in now!" screw-up.

* Snoop Dogg was the first major act to go, and he was great.  I remember this for four reasons:

1. The chick and the dude in front of us.  Dude was thinner than me, wearing a Brett Favre jersey (on a 98 degree afternoon.  Moron).  His chick was at least -- and Dusty and Gregg will back me on this -- his chick was at least 300 pounds, and all she had on was a sports bra and shorts that left nothing to the imagination.  Sweet merciful Jesus.

2. The rookie who tried shrooms next to us (or behind us, I forget which), who had a bad experience and puked all over Jon's kid.  Good times!

3. Snoop, riding around on a tricycle, with a gigantic marijuana leaf hovering over the stage, as he's "rolling down the (stage), smoking endo, sippin' on gin and juice!  (Laid back!  With my mind on my money, and my money on my mind ...)"  And

4. When Snoopy finished, the events of the weekend, the passing of my friend, finally set in.  Probably because James loved Snoop Dogg.  God, we got baked listening to Snoop and Dre back in the day.

* And when the emotion set in, I had to disappear for a while.  It takes a special person to have a mental health / emotional breakdown at a concert in front of 16,000 people.  It takes ... hang on, let me at least attempt to do this right.  Mr. Hefner?

(the great mr. hugh m. hefner voice) It takes a REALLY special person to have the presence of mind ... to have said breakdown in a bathroom stall, as at least 160 of those people are waiting to use said stall.

Pathetically, my twenty minute crying cession in a dirty stall at Sandstone ... isn't even close to my most emotional mental breakdown of 2004.  That's coming, exactly seven weeks to the day, after we buried James.

* I return to my seat, beers in hand, claiming "the heat got to me", to explain why my face was flush and it looked like I'd been spending the last twenty minutes crying in a bathroom stall.  I know -- (ron burgundy voice) Keep it classy, San Diego.

* Korn was up next, and I gotta admit -- they f*cking ROCK in person.  I entered that concert liking exactly one Korn song ("Falling Away From Me"), and tolerating another ("A.D.I.D.A.S").  I left ... well, we'll get to that in a couple more paragraphs.

* Finally, the main attraction, Linkin Park.  They took the stage a little after 9pm.  They were still going strong at 11:15pm when we headed out as "In The End" brought the night to a close.

* My roommate Gregg, who reluctantly went that night (because the ticket was free), wow.  His response said it all.  When we got home, I poured a glass of something, and headed off to bed, with Priest right behind me.  Gregg apparently stayed up half the night, because when I woke up in the morning, I had not one, but two cd's burned with nothing but LP, Korn, and Snoop, and a second copy to take to Dusty.

For the record, I have changed Gregg's mind on something exactly twice in my life: I (finally) managed to get him to watch "Friday Night Lights" (the TV series) ... and even he conceded, that Projekt Revolution was one amazing, fun, incredible night of music.

--------------------

"Sick and tired of this world;
There's no more air.
Tripping over myself,
Going nowhere.

I'm waiting, suffocating.
No direction --
I took a dive and ...

On the way down?
I saw you,
And you saved me from myself.
And I won't forget the way you loved me.

And on the way down?
I almost fell right through.
But I held onto you ..."

-- "On The Way Down" by Ryan Cabrera, and yes, this song charted big in 2004 ...

--------------------

* The rest of the last week of August was uneventful, until Saturday.  That Saturday was the last preseason home game for the Chiefs, and unlike the Chiefs / Rams game earlier that week, it wasn't being contested in a monsoon.

But man, when it rains, it freaking pours.

That was the first game Randy made it out for that season ... and all it took was one look at the man, and you knew, you knew, things were not good.  Every answer was a simple "yes" or "no".  The look in his eyes -- look it, I suffer from depression.  I see a mental health professional once a week to deal with my issues.  Randy was worse off that day, than I've ever been.

When Gregg's parents got there, Randy lost it, crying his eyes out.  Us kids took off, partly out of not knowing how to react, but mostly because we didn't want to react, especially in my case.  I'd just buried a friend on Monday.  I just had an emotional / mental health breakdown in a f*cking bathroom stall on Tuesday.  This would have been the trifecta.

We got through this game, but the storm clouds were beginning to gather ...

--------------------

* September was strange.  KU Football opened 2-0 for the first time in a decade, and cracked the Top 25 for the first time since 1995 ... and then, after a tough overtime loss at Northwestern, choked away a 30-5 halftime lead over Texas Tech, and lost 31-30.  (You were there?)  Hell yes I was!  Anytime it's still warm enough to close September that taking the t-shirt off seems reasonable?  I'll find a way to be outside.

The Chiefs, everyone's popular pick to win the AFC, opened 0-3 overall, 0-2 at Arrowhead.  The first home defeat, I remember walking the stadium before the game (as we did back then) with Gregg and Dusty, and noting "how f*cked up is it, that one of these two teams (the Chiefs, or Carolina Panthers, which KC / Carolina was Sports Illustrated's Super Bowl prediction) is going to be 0 and 2?"

The second home defeat, to the Houston Texans, was truly the end of an era.  Even if we didn't know it at the time.

* That Texans tailgate, the "old" Randy was back.  He was jovial.  He was insulting of anyone in a parking uniform.  For my memory's sake, I'd like to believe he dropped the "you must have majored in Asshole 101!" blast to the parking nazis in Lot N one final time.

He finally reached the "Randy's Had Enough Of This Sh*t!" moment, after the Texans place kicker drained a field goal with less than a minute to play, to give Houston a 30-27 victory.  He took the time to say goodbye to all us 131 / 132 regulars, as he always used to do.  I even remember commenting to Gregg on the ride home, and to my dad later that night, "it's like he was Randy again today!"

Oh sweet merciful Jesus, if I'd only known ...

--------------------

* Monday, October 4th.  Chiefs (0-3) at Ravens (3-0).  The season is literally on the line.  The Chiefs bye week hits after this one, with a manageable game at Jacksonville after the bye, followed by back-to-back home contests against two teams who wound up winning their division in 2004, Atlanta and Indy.  There's no easy way to put this: the Chiefs HAVE to win.

I decided to watch the game at Dusty's.  I honestly don't know why to this day, I made that choice.  I'd never watched a Chiefs game there before.  I'm guessing it was because between Gregg and I, we might have killed each other from stress if we were in the same room.

And yet, I know exactly why I watched that particular game at Dusty's -- because there is a God, and he gave me one last conversation with Randy.  After the Chiefs held on for a 30-27, "season f*cking on!" victory, I headed for home.  Randy called me as I was on 435 headed west, somewhere around State Line.  I said my goodbye to the conversation as I got onto K7 about ten minutes later.  We just b.s.'d about the game, noted that the season was back on track, and even tried to figure out what "dirty bird" Russ was gonna grill for the next home game against Atlanta.

It was the last time I ever spoke to my buddy Jasson's father, my season ticket seatmate -- my friend ...

--------------------

* Tuesday October 5th, 7:53pm CT.

I was talking to my buddy Vineet on our house line, when I saw the caller ID flash, and noticed it was Gregg's mom calling.  I told Vineet I'd have to call him back on my cell phone, we decided instead we'd just talk the next day.  I switched over to Gregg's mom to answer the phone, and I could tell she was pretty emotional, in asking for Gregg.

I walked down the hall, yelled at Gregg that his mom was on the phone, and judging by how she sounded, I figured it wasn't good.  So I headed outside onto the upper back deck, turned on the TV, and waited to see what -- if anything -- I was going to have to react to.

* The fist smash.  I'll never forget that sound as long as I live.

Gregg, his fist, our counter, next to the sink.

It's the most haunting sound imaginable, honestly.  And in that three to four seconds it took me to turn off the TV, and open the door back into the kitchen, I'm still not sure what I was thinking.  I just knew it wasn't good.

The fist smash.  I'll never forget that sound as long as I live.

* When I opened the door, and walked in, Gregg turned and looked at me, tears in his eyes.  I somehow knew instantly.

Randy had opted to end his life.

Gregg managed to compose himself, and headed over to Jasson's to be with our friend.  I couldn't do that ... but for some reason, I didn't cry either.  I just felt numb.  For the second time in seven weeks, a dear friend had opted to check out of this life, rather than deal with it anymore.

And in a "what are the f*cking odds" coincidence ... the weekend 2 1/2 years earlier I had prepared to end my own life?  Was Randy's 50th birthday party, that I missed the celebration for.

* The next night, I went with Gregg over to Jasson's, and I couldn't even say anything.  I mean, what do you say?  How in Christ's name do you say anything in that spot?

* The wake was set for Sunday; the services for Monday.  Friday night, Nancy invited us "core friends" here in town up to her place, for a night of reflection, remembrance, and family bonding.  As various other folks got into town, they were welcome to join us.

Folks?  I'm not religious ... but anyone who claims there is no God, wasn't there on Friday October 8th.  For starters, a freak rainstorm came in, and virtually shut down all incoming flights to KCI.  Instead of a steady stream of visitors, it wound up being a night of just eight people: Nancy, Jasson and Tara, myself, Gregg, Jenni, and Russ and Mona.  About 9pm, Jasson and I made a liquor run ... and for the next five hours, we honored the man in our way.  Funny stories.  Sad stories.  Just honoring the man in our own way.  As a family.  Which we were.  And still are.

* That Saturday, I went to the Busch race at the Speedway with my buddy Anthony.  I was so tanked by the end of the race, that Anthony had to drive my car back to the house ... and I missed KU finally beat the Purple Headed Step Child down I-70 for the first time since Glen Mason was on the sidelines for KU.  That Sunday, I headed up for Randy's wake with my mom, Gregg, his sister, and his folks.  That wake was the second most depressing thing I've ever attended.  Topped only the next day, by Randy's funeral.

* I was asked to be a pallbearer, as was Gregg.  Like there was any way we'd say no.

* That Monday, I was up early, and got my favorite "breakfast" from Sonic -- the grilled chicken sandwich, tater tots, and the biggest Route 44 Strawberry limeaid imaginable.  Gregg and I headed up to the funeral home around 9:30.  We got there about 10, for an 11am service (as I recall; it may have been arriving at 9am, for a 10am service.)

I got there, and man, was that place packed.  My dad took the day off to be there.  And I'll never forget, about twenty minutes or so before heading in for the service, we had a little huddle in the pallbearers area -- myself, Gregg, my dad, Gregg's dad, Russ and Mona, Anthony (not the racing buddy, but Jasson's cousin), and Bill Turner, a great family friend to Jasson for so long, that he feels like family.  As I noted:

"I haven't shed one damned tear yet!  What the hell is wrong with me?"

And as Mona noted in response:

"When it's your time to grieve?  You will."

* The service itself was amazing.  I have no idea to this day, how Danny got through the eulogy without crying.  Danny's eulogy of Randy was the most amazing speech I've ever heard in my life.  He so perfectly captured Randy ...

* When Danny finished, there were maybe three dry eyes in the house.  Mine was one of them.  Still not a tear.

* As a pallbearer, I was seated near the front, which meant I was one of the last to talk to Nance and Jasson and Tara, and pass by Randy one final time.  It also meant I had to watch everyone else pass by first.  I'll never forget Gregg's dad literally coming unhinged, at seeing his oldest and dearest friend one final time.  That choked me up at least.  "Whew, I'm normal!"  Jesus, the selfishness we humans have sometime.

* I hugged my buddy Jasson, hugged Tara, hugged Nancy, when it was my time.  I headed to the coffin, saw Randy there ... and started to swell up a little bit.

And then, I turned left, and headed up the aisle to the back of the room.

And in the aisle, was Mona.

And I lost it.

I have never cried like I did, collapsing in Mona's arms, and God bless each and every one of you all who joined our collective group hug / cry / us grouping at the end of the chairs there at the funeral home.  I cried for ten straight minutes, at least.  I lost it again at the gravesite.  I lost it a third time at Nancy's afterwards.

And every Memorial Day weekend, when I visit Randy's grave, I still lose it.  I try to visit four gravesites every Memorial Day weekend (or close to it) -- my dad's parents (at 38th and State), my mom's family and parents (at 18th and K5), James (at 60th and Quivira), and Randy (I'd be lying if I knew the address; I just know exactly how to get there).

Randy's is the only one that makes me cry.

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* That Saturday, I went with my dad to Dallas for a quick 48 hour getaway, to see my grandma, my dad's mom, one final time. Her health was fading fast, my aunt told us "it's now or never", so Dad and I took Saturday to drive down, and Sunday to drive back.

The tears I shed for Randy earlier that week?  Multiply by 100, my dad leaving my grandma's assisted care facility in Plano, that Sunday morning.  You all reading this who know me?  My dad is 100 times more stoic than I am.  That man NEVER betrays his emotions.  He couldn't stop crying until long after we'd crossed the Red River that painful Sunday morning.

Grandma passed five days later.

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* Grandma got her full Catholic mass burial, at her parish (Christ the King, 55th and Leavenworth).

Us "kids" got one last, great bender on my dad's tab, that Monday night, exactly two weeks to the day I last talked to Randy.  Dad had no clue what hit his American Express card, other than (a) it was epic, (b) it was massive, and (c) it resulted in me stealing at least two pro-Bistate II signs to toss out into the front yard for the remaining election cycle, to support that (failed) proposition.

Man, did we put a bender on Dad's tab at Old Chicago that night!  Me and my brother's buddy Sam worked as a waiter / bartender there back in 2004.  He got us a "private room" for our get-together, and over the span of 90 minutes, us cousins got re-acquainted, got drawn together like we hadn't been in years (none of us had gotten married yet).  Every family member on my dad's side, was represented: my dad (me and Drew, and Ash), my uncle (Spencer and Kristin), my aunt (Brooke), my aunt (Zack).  Plus friends, and other family, that arrived.

Grandma not only would have approved ... she'd have been pissed to know, she missed the party.

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* "The Voice of Reason" took off that next weekend (October 15th-17th) for the Chiefs game in Jacksonville, meeting our buddy "bts" there for a much needed getaway.

Anything that could go wrong?  Did go wrong.

The Chiefs lost to a horrible Jaguars team.  Mr. Reason's flight was delayed on Monday, diverted to Cincinnati on Tuesday, and come Wednesday, he still wasn't home.  I know this, because that Wednesday (October 20th), Nancy and Tara threw Jasson a birthday party at Hooters.  When Mr. Reason finally got home that Thursday (as I had to ask my boss for a third straight day for permission to leave to get him at the airport, prompting Stan's hilarious "you know, if you need to drink (to cope with Mary, my boss), you don't have to ask permission" one-liner), the only thing he could note was this:

"I've spent my last two evenings at a hotel bar with Joe Posnanski.  (Pause).  It was even worse than it sounds.  I am never flying Delta again."

Aww, that's rough.  It could have been worse though -- they could have put you up in the "four star hotel" we stayed in in Cincinnati, a mere eleven months earlier ...

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* That Sunday, October 24th, was the first home game without Randy.  I readily admit, I have been intoxicated a time or a million in my lifetime.  I have never been drunker, than I was entering Arrowhead that morning.  Put it this way -- when I'm up against Phil in a shotgun competition, and I'm whipping his ass three straight 'guns?  I'm loaded.  Especially since I'm not a big beer drinker, at all.  Shotgun a vodka tonic?  Can do it in five seconds flat.  A Bud Light?  Should take me an hour, with a couple pukes mixed in.

The Chiefs won, 56-10.  Setting up a game to (temporarily) save the season, against the only team Carl Peterson, had not defeated in his tenure as Chiefs president***, your ... Indianapolis Colts ...

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(***: (added after original posting) Dear God did I botch that.  There were TWO teams Carl hadn't defeated -- your Indianapolis Colts ... and your Tennessee Titans.  Carl remedied those two wrongs in 2004 -- the Colts on Halloween, the Titans to open December.  I apologize for that epic brain fart of mis-remembrance ...)

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* My favorite game of the Vermeil era Chiefs, was the demolition of the Dolphins in 2002.  My second favorite, was slaying the dragon that is peyton manning, on Halloween Day 2004.

There was so much, entering the game, on the line.  The season, for starters -- at 2-4, the Chiefs had to win, especially with roadies at Tampa and New Orleans upcoming.  Secondly, on Tuesday, the nation was voting for the Presidency ... and the KC Metro Area was voting on Bistate II, to renovate the Truman Sports Complex via a five county sales tax increase, that both Johnson and Jackson Counties had to approve.

(Bistate II ultimately failed, despite my attempts to vote eight times for it.  Hey now!  I am (still now, as then) a registered Democrat -- what the hell do you mean, I only get to vote once?)

The Chiefs absolutely dominated the first half, racing to a 31-14 halftime lead.  And they held on for a 45-35 victory, highlighted by Greg Wesley's interception of alleged all-time great peyton manning (career playoff record: now 8-11 all time!) that led to my favorite Len Dawson call of all time:

"Get down!  Jesus!  Just get dow -- ooh!  Good block!"

* The sole remaining highlight of the Chiefs season for me, was "The Voice of Reason" and "bts" sharing one last evening with our Ol' Pardner, Mr. William Grigsby, at the Harrah's in New Orleans.  Hell yes Bill Grigsby was hitting on the hottest girls in the bar!  With a fake English accent to boot!  Not quite as magical as telling a group of Chiefs fans outside a strip club in Nashville four years earlier that "I hope we beat those f*ckers!", but it's close.

* And honestly, for the last six or seven weeks of 2004, there wasn't much to report.  Which is a damned good thing, given how awful the eight week stretch from August 20th to October 18th was.  I'm sure the year 2004, my 27th on this planet, ended as they always tend to for me -- on the couch, with a bottle of bubbly, and Strokey Dick Clark on the television screen.

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* So in conclusion?  2004 sucked in the worst ways imaginable.  Too much pain, too much hurt, too much wrong.

Too much death.

But what doesn't kill you?  Makes you stronger.  My closing song lyrics to describe 2004, I've used on this site far too many times in the last twelve months.  It is my favorite song of all time.  But damn, if it don't hit home ...

"I came across a fallen tree;
I felt the branches of it looking at me.
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing!  Where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in --
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin.

And if you have a minute?
Why don't we go
Talk about it
Somewhere only we know.

This?  Could be the end of everything!
So why don't we go,
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know ..."

Not sure which "decade in review" look back is coming next: 2001 (a relatively mundane year, with one day as an exception), 2002 (the one that shook my life to its core and/or foundation), or 2009 (the year with the most change, both good and bad).  I'm leaning 2001 to be honest, but given my infrequency of posting these things, watch it be 2005, decided on a drunken whim some random Tuesday night in June ...