the latest fake mailbag

In honor of Thanksgiving, I give you ... Fake Mailbag 7.0.

As always, these are "real" emailed inquiries from readers of this site.

(And as always, the "mailbag" gives me a chance to comment on vent about things that matter to me. (dmb voice) Funny the way it is, if you think about it ...)

* "You want to know how we won Sunday? Easy Stevo! We cut LJ!" -- Dusty J, Overland Park.

Look it, I get the animosity towards LJ. I really do. The guy was a prick. He mistreated women. He has anger management issues. I get all that. And those, coupled with a poorly timed holdout and a couple down years on the field, turned the town against him (although, to be fair, most of the town was never behind him).

But does that erase the absolutely jaw-dropping 25 game stretch he had, from the Oakland game in 2005 to the playoff game in Indy? I say no. LJ had one of the best year and a half runs imaginable for a professional athlete. He ran for over 3600 yards, scored over 30 touchdowns, and his team went 15-10 with him carrying the workload, missing the playoffs by a game in 2005 and being the last team in, in 2006. He did it with a patchwork offensive line, musical chairs at QB, and two different offensive coaching staffs, only one of which can be defined as "competent".

Having said that however, as LJ's resident apologist ... it was time for him to go. His demise was sad and predictable, given the workload placed on him in the stretch above, as well as the way that both Chan Gailey and Todd Haley prefer to run the ball (LJ is a straight ahead back; Gailey and Haley both prefer traps, offtackle, and pitches). I wish him the best.

* "I assume you saw BJ got a ton of press in The Sports Guy's column today! Go BuKCs Go!" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

I did notice it. The amazing thing to me, and I think it was Steve Aschburner at nba.com that pointed this out, is that BuKCs GM John Hammond basically orchestrated a fire sale this offseason -- he traded Jefferson for nothing, let Villanueva walk as an unrestricted, didn't match Sessions' contract he signed with Minnesota -- and somehow, this team is BETTER because of it. That's some savvy roster-manuevering. Everything Hammond has done, has been golden so far. I like it. I love it. And I definitely want some more of it.

(Update: it was Chad Ford at espn.com that pointed it out. But Aschburner's a must-read for any NBA fan, either at nba.com or si.com).

* "Funniest thing you've seen the last couple weeks?" -- Damien J, Midtown.

Without question, the "Amazing Race" episode last Sunday, where the local boys (gay brothers Sam and Dan) were in the mud volleyball pits facing off against a couple of "hot Estonian boys". (Their words, not mine). They were so, uuh, "excited", that the picture had to be blurred to hide the, uuh, "evidence" of their excitement. I was laughing my ass off at that.

A close second: Bob Griese dropping the "maybe he's getting a taco" blast at Montoya. Lighten up people. If you can't take a joke, go find a toilet and stuff your head in it to hopefully flush some common sense into you.

* "What do you think of Kris Allen's debut single?" -- Katie H, Lenexa.

I like it, but I don't love it. If I had to rate former Idol contestant's singles so far, here's my top 10:

1. "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson. The whole cd is golden. This song just does it for me.
2. "Gallery" by Mario Vasquez. Oh, what could have been had he not gotten greedy and gone for the instant release single.
3. "Its Not Over" by Daughtry. You know its a shady season when you're two best contestants don't even make final two.
4. "Tattoo" by Jordin Sparks. Love the Blake cameo at the end of the video.
5. "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson. Remind me again why I rooted for Justin in season one?
6. "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks. The best song of 2009? I think its in the top 5 at least.
7. "Crush" by David "Asshat" Archuleta. I hate this guy with a friggin passion. But its a good song.
8. "Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen. The song grows on you, but I expected something more.
9. "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood. On a personal note ... well ... this song does kind of foretell my future.
10. "Wait For You" by Elliott Yamin. Again, how the hell did Taylor and (chick who will never be named on this site due to my intense, soul-consuming, john-elway-esque hatred of her) finish 1-2 ahead of Elliott and Daughtry?

And for anyone who claims I'm biased ... my favorite Idol contestant does not appear in this list. Other than noting his cameo in the video for number four. See, I can be fair and objective ...

* "So how would you fix the Big XII?" -- Drew K, Shawnee.

First, you assume the Big XII has a competitive balance issue. (OK, it does ... although for what its worth, I really, really, really like Nebraska to upset Texas in two weeks).

Having said that, these are the three fixes I'd bring in:

1. Move OU to the North, and Missouri to the South. If you figure that Texas / OU is always going to dominate the South, and either MU or Nebraska has won the last four North titles (a situation not likely to change anytime soon as well), why not split them up? Plus, consider three positives this single shift creates:

a. You restore OU / Nebraska every year. As someone who grew up a Huskers fan, this is a must for me.
b. You create the opportunity for a Texas / OU conference title game every year. Who wouldn't want that? Oh, and
c. You get fix number two:

2. Designate a "rivalry" game, at a neutral site every year. Its already happening anyways for a lot of the teams. Here's the rivalries I'd protect:

a. Kansas (N) vs Missouri (S), rotate between Arrowhead and the Edward Jones Dome.
b. Texas (N) vs Oklahoma (S), at Cowboys Stadium.
c. Kansas State (N) vs Iowa State (N), rotate between Arrowhead and the Edward Jones Dome.
d. Texas A&M (S) vs Texas Tech (S), at Reliant Stadium.
e. Nebraska (N) vs Colorado (N), at fake mile high.
f. Oklahoma State (S) vs Baylor (S), at whatever high school field will accommodate them.

These six games, NO MATTER WHAT, regardless of divisional affiliation, get played every year. And they should be the conference opener for each team. (AKA, played either the last weekend in September, or the first in October). But wait, you say. You're protecting inter-divisional rivalries? How can this work? How can you help ensure some semblance of a "balanced schedule" for all teams in the division? Glad you asked! Because fix numero tres is to ...

3. Add a ninth conference game! You add a conference game, you guarantee every team a minimum of 6 home games every year, and most likely they'll play seven. They have the potential to max out at 8 every other season. PLUS you have the neutral site "rivalry" game as well. To put it another way, adding a conference game GUARANTEES you an extra home game every two years! (And the rivalry game guarantees you one less true road game EVERY year). Besides, the first six "rivalry" teams in point two have given up that home game, some for decades, some more recently. The last six break even with the "rivalry neutral site" game if you add the ninth conference game! Plus, you no longer have .500 finishes in conference. Every team will either be a winner, or a loser.

So let's see here. You restore yearly the Big 8's best rivalry. You ensure yearly the conference's three best current rivalries (KU / MU, Texas / OU, Nebraska / Colorado). You open the door to Texas vs OU for the national title berth, just like the SEC this year with Florida / Alabama. And you get rid of a layup win for each team via the 9th conference game, and force them to schedule someone other than a Sun Belt or MAC team. What's not to love?

* "What did you think of Amanda's return to Melrose Place?" -- Kellie B, KCK.

I thought it was ok. I have to be honest though; I'm about three episodes away from pulling the plug on the TiVo recording. This current cast is so awful for the most part, that its truly unwatchable for long stretches of time. Still, I'll give Amanda three weeks to see if I stay on board. I loved the original "Melrose". The least I can do is give this one enough time to kick useless Ashlee Simpson-Wentz to the curb (which thankfully happens in two weeks).

* "What did you think of "The Messiah" getting the Cy Young? You remember we saw his debut start, right?" -- Jasson W, Lenexa.

Hell yes I remember. It was the Friday before Memorial Day 2004. Greinke went 8, gave up only 2 hits, 1 run, and I immediately started calling him "The Messiah", because he was going to salvage the Royals season. I'm pretty sure I still have the ticket in the cigar box full of, uuh, tickets. And yeah, I might have been a little off on "salvaging the season" ... but I think its awesome to see people live up to their potential. Good for Wacky Zacky!

(Side note: as awesome as his debut was, NOBODY was more geeked that summer than me for a mid-June duel between Greinke and Tom Glavine when the Mets came to town. I'm shocked my private areas weren't as blurred on the walk in as Sam and Dan's were on "Amazing Race" last week. That, to me, was my second favorite Royals game of the decade, even though we lost 5-2. To see "The Messiah" against my favorite pitcher from the 90s and now, I still get chills thinking about it).

(My favorite Royals game of the decade, its a close call between Opening Day 2004, when I infamously bet Gregg a steak dinner at Morton's that Mendy Lopez would not go yard ... or the Fathers Day Game in 2003, when a reeling Royals squad started some retread from the Jersey Shore League named Jose Lima ... when Barry Bonds hit a home run that hit the roof of the old right field GA concession stand ... and Mike Sweeney ripped a 0-2 fastball off Joe Nathan into the gap to win the game 5-4. I gotta go with the latter, 2003 was just too sweet of a season to give the nod to anything from 2004).

* "Lou Dobbs! Out at CNN! You're the resident loony liberal, your thoughts?" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

I have never cared for Lou Dobbs. Although the SNL sketch couple years ago where they dropped the "sorry Amy, but the simple fact is, if you didn't eat a taco last week, you didn't get sick!" line was priceless. I do wish Lou the best though: unemployment right now sucks for anyone.

There's really only five "talkers" or "prime time cable show hosts" I listen to:

5. Rachel Maddow. She and I see eye to eye on a lot. Plus, she's as p*ssed off at the Dems right now as I am.
4. Rush Limbaugh. Say what you want about him, he's always entertaining. (And wrong more often than he'll admit).
3. Shanin and Parks. 980's 2 to 6pm crew. Loved them calling out Dennis Moore for being the chicken sh*t coward that he is.
2. Chris Matthews. Don't really feel a tingle up my leg when I hear him, but I like his show a lot. And ...
1. Ed Schultz. Great show on XM 167 from 11 to 2, and his MSNBC show is appointment television.

* "So ... would you fire Mark Mangino?" -- Brent S, Northeast Johnson County.

I've given up trying to remember which city you live in. I always screw it up, so why bother to try.

Anyways. The Mangino question, to me ... is a very, very difficult one.

I wrote earlier this year about how if KU didn't beat OU (or insert South team here) in the spot we had them, it was never going to happen in the Mangino era. I also noted in that post about how when every other KU coach faced that make-or-break moment, they all lost, and all were gone within a year of said loss. So I'm not going to say I'm shocked that the season fell apart like it did, or that Coach is facing the sh*tstorm he is.

I'm also not going to defend his conference record. He has never beaten OU, Texas, or Texas Tech. He's had four tough losses against those teams (2004, led Tech 30-5 at the half, lost 31-30; 2004 led Texas by 14 in the 4th quarter and lost; 2005 lost by a touchdown to OU at Arrowhead; 2008 lost a shootout in Norman). But the bottom line is, he lost them all.

He's 2-6 against Nebraska. He's 4-3 against MU pending Saturday's outcome. He's 4-4 against KSU. So he's not exactly beating his Northern rivals like a government mule either.

On the other hand ... KU Football was a regional joke before he arrived. (I'd call it a national one, only noone noticed). With a win Saturday, Mangino goes 5 straight years at .500 or better, unheard of at Kansas. He'd be bowl eligible 6 out of his last 7 years (2004 being the sole exception). And 2004, if we don't blow the two tough losses at home to Tech and UT, we're going bowling.

To me, I don't care if he yells at kids, if he (god forbid) sticks a finger in their chest. What really irked me, was the story from the kids he coached in his one year at some Pennsylvania high school. If he truly sat on recruiting letters, he NEVER should be entrusted to run a program. Its one thing to yell at a kid you recruit. Its quite another to f*ck with a high school senior's life. If the allegations in the LJW article are true, that he really did sit on recruitment letters, that to me is a fireable offense with cause.

Bottom line: I think he's either the Doug Collins of KU Football, or the Marty Schottenheimer of KU Football. Either way, he's toast after Saturday. The question is, do we hire Phil Jackson to replace him (and put us over the hump), or do we hire Gunther Cunningham to replace him (and take four steps back). Lew clearly wants him out. I hope he knows what he's doing.

OK a few more before hitting the grand finale:

* "Who's gonna be the team that comes from nowhere to steal a playoff berth?" -- Vineet T, Queens.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but Tennessee? They're going to be favored in 5 of their remaining 6, and the one they'll be a dog in, is Indy, always a grudge match. If they survive Arizona this week, look out. Ditto in the NFC, again, from the "I know it sounds ridiculous" department, but San Francisco? Another 4-6 team that, if they survive at home this week, should be favored in most of their remaining games, and might steal the six seed at 9-7.

* "How's the bowling league going so far?" -- Jon G, Brookside.

Call me crazy, but when teammates are chucking bowling balls at each other from 20 plus feet away in fits of frustration, I'm guessing "not well".

* "Your thoughts on the D Bowe suspension?" -- Justin B, Olathe.

Its what happens when an incompetent head coach rides a prima donna wide receiver too hard in training camp. I won't be shedding any tears if both of them are elsewhere next year.

* "Wait, you think the Chiefs should sh*t can Todd Haley?!?! After only one year?!?!" -- Mickey M, Lee's Summit.

Yes.

* "Really?" -- Gordon G, Clinton.

Yes. Define for me anything he's done to make this team better. He's delivered one -- one! -- legitimately professional coaching performance in 13 outings and counting. He's Gunther Junior. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I believe a head coach should have three years minimum to implement his system and his plan ... UNLESS he exhibits gross incompetence on the job or commits a jailable offense off the field. Watch the gamefilm. "Gross incompetence" is an understatement for what Todd Haley has done so far.

Pull the plug, admit the mistake, and bring in someone who has a clue. Keeping Todd Haley sets us back two years in the rebuild at least. Because we'll be drafting for his style in 2010, instead of his replacement's. And if you don't think that matters, look at how keeping Gunther after 1999 completely detroyed the Chiefs drafts in 2000 (drafted based on a power running scheme instead of the vertical attack that replaced Gun) and 2001 (traded every decent pick to steal the Rams QB, head coach, and offensive coordinator). Granted, the way he was going, Carl would have f*cked those drafts up on his own, but we basically whizzed away two straight drafts by keeping an obviously in-over-his-head coach in Gun for another season. I'm truly convinced that you're better off firing a guy a year too soon, than a year too late.

* "I'm just glad to see you hate someone other than me for a chance" -- Richard V, Napa Valley.

You're welcome. And for the record, your merlot is one of the best red wines I have ever had in my life.

* "I still can't believe you're harder on Todd Haley than you are on Trey Hillman" -- Phil S, Overland Park.

I don't pay $1000 plus per season to watch Trey f*ck up the basics. And to be fair, you sat by me for a few clunkers in the 2004 season ticket year. NOBODY was harder on Tony Pena than me. I just hope the poor railing there in front of 336 has recovered from the regular beating my scorebook gave it.

* "How hard is it gonna be to root for A&M tonight? Gig 'em Aggies!" -- annoying drunk, uneducated hick A&M fan, anywhere they exist.

Very. I think the reason I've been drinking so much today is because I am not prepared to do this tonight. I hate A&M with a passion. I still raise a glass everytime someone remembers the bonfire "tragedy" from 10 years ago. (Hang on ... (steve raising glass) ... ok much better). Cheering for A&M tonight is gonna suck. But its crunch time for the alma mater. Need Texas to lose, and lose convincingly. Two shots for it to happen, starting tonight.

* When the annual "I'm Thankful For" column is coming out?" -- Megan K, Berlin.

Well, let's do it now.

I wasn't sure whether to post anything, because quite honestly, this has been a horrendous year for me personally, and financially, and emotionally. Probably the worst since 1999 or 2000, which are the only two truly "there's not one damned thing from this year worth being thankful for" years in the memory. Having said that, I raise a glass to the following:

a. to new friends. As I jokingly noted after the Steelers win, "I didn't even know you two" the last time we won a home game. So to Kellie and Katie, welcome aboard. Hope you all stick around awhile.

b. to new eras. I'll defend Carl Peterson, but it was time for him to go. I voted for John McCain, but it was time for a change in direction for this nation. And I'll miss living with Dusty, but sometimes "breaking up" is best for all involved.

c. to summer tailgating. Loved the 300,001st ouncer. That needs to become a yearly occurrance, just "up the odometer" if you will. Loved Megan's return tailgate, although hopefully we won't just celebrate once a summer going forward. Loved finding a sweet spot behind Lot A in the grass. Loved that no matter how p*ssed me and certain folks got at each other, we could always set aside the anger and hostilities for a few hours of drinking and chucking washers in the sun. That's a big part of what matters in life, at least to me -- good folks, having good times, under (hopefully) "unseasonably warm conditions".

d. to those who stood by me. Its been a rough year. Yet nobody turned their back and ran. May have been a few rough stretches, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? I am truly, truly blessed to have the friends and family that I do in this life. And finally,

e. to the true meaning of the holiday season. Which is this. No matter how much you know you've screwed up, or messed up, or effed up, or (insert adjective here) up ... you always get a second chance. Or third. Or fourth. (Or in my case, approximately chance number 25,294,119). Christmas is not just about gifts and hams and drinking ridiculous amounts of wine ... ok, maybe in my family, that last one is true, but still ... no, Christmas is about the fact that you can always find redemption.

I guess that's why I love this time of year so much. Hope its as good for you, as it is for me. Now go eat some turkey and get ready for some early morning shopping ...