chiefs! bills! just me and (maybe) 20k of the kingdom ...

(tailgating, about 10am)
(cd) (plays "real men of genius" parody)
(cd) here's to you, Mr. Thinks He Knows More Than the Head Coach! You sit 30 rows up, shirtless, and spout off such winning strategies as "throw the ball" ...
(everyone) (looking at me)
(steve) what! I sit 26 rows up, not 30!

---------------------------

If there are any Chiefs fans left after yesterday, who still believe that Todd Haley deserves a second season as head coach of this team, then all I can say is that you are dumber than the Spanish announcing guys at a WWE pay-per-view, who feign surprise when their announcing booth gets destroyed in the main event.

That entire coaching performance yesterday by Coach Asshat was a fireable offense. Every bit of it. Coach refused to coach against Buffalo's weaknesses, and instead kept playing into their strengths (and our biggest weaknesses). The Bills had the 31st worst rush defense in the league; we threw the ball at a 2-1 ratio in a game in which we never trailed by more than 10, and immediately scored after the margin hit 10 to drop it back to 3.

The clock management was atrocious. Haley whizzed away three timeouts and a challenge yesterday for no obvious reason. Infuriating. And the fourth down decision making, I swear. I literally am getting sick to my stomach watching this man "coach" this team. I literally want to puke. In fact, it got so bad yesterday ...that for the first time since preseason, I drank during the game. Haley's coaching "efforts" were so atrocious yesterday that I paid $10 for a vodka and sprite, and another $10 for a hurricane, I physically could not watch that game without the aid of alcohol.

Let's recap this, from the good (tailgating) to the bad (the National Anthem) to the ugly (the game itself) ...

* Arrived at about 7am, a solid half hour later than usual. And we were still second in line.

* I'd call it a late-arriving crowd yesterday, but if they never arrive, are they technically late? The line to get in the gates at 8:15am when we headed down to save spots was about half the size you're used to seeing. A sign of things to come.

* the walk to save spots brought on a wonderful three point discussion about how (1) summer tailgating is better because its hot, (2) how sweet our tailgating spot we started using last summer was, and (3) we need more hot chicks in our tailgating group. Number (3) came up because of these two really good looking blonde chicks who we thought were going to try to steal our spot.

* Everyone was having issues parking yesterday if you were on the grass. The grounds crew did a fine job of clearing the parking lots ... only they piled up the snow right next to the curb, making it nearly impossible to turn around and get back on the grass.

* One thing the grounds crew did a horrendous job of -- nobody cleaned out the port-a-potties after last game. I can do without the stench of week old human waste at 8:30 in the morning.

* The menu yesterday was buffalo burgers, boneless spicy garlic wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, some chili, some potato soup thingy with hashbrowns, and of course, booze. Good stuff.

* You know its an eventful tailgate when only two people are drinking the handle of vodka ... and its gone in under three hours. Granted, I was one of the ones consuming said vodka, so you can attribute a chunk of it to me ... but I was getting matched screwdriver for screwdriver by some worthy competition.

* Thankfully, the weather wasn't bad yesterday. It got colder as the game went along, but it was never unbearable. Unlike right now here in KC, for example, when the windchill is in the single digits, and I'm making my lunch decision based on "its too cold to walk out to the car and go somewhere".

* We nearly got the HyVee Tailgaters of the Game. Sadly, they went with our neighbors across the parking lot because they decorated their Christmas tree better than we did ours. (The little miniature trees in the grass at the back of G and H, turned into a decorating war. Our neighbors fired the first shot at the Steelers game. We fired back at denver. This week, they hung up Christmas lights and had a tree skirt. I thought it was neat). Still, this was the first time all season the HyVee folks made it to the west side of the stadium.

* Sign that this season has been awful: I could not give away two extra tickets. Literally could not give them away. All you had to do was respond to my text offer from Saturday night to watch the game for the low, low price of "please don't cheer haley that's all i ask". And nobody wanted them. The sad thing is, I can't say I blame people one bit for staying away from this abortion of a season. And from avoiding watching our mentally challenged head coach prove on a weekly basis just how horribly Scott Pioli botched the coaching hire last February.

And other than the core group of bus riders, nobody showed up early. Even our new tailgating neighbors, we had no problems saving a spot for their bus, and they didn't get there until almost 9:30. Gregg and Brent showed up after 10. Dusty and Kellie were after 10:30. If I wasn't too cheap to pay for parking, I'd have shown up even later than that.

* Headed in around 11:30. The only 132 regulars there yesterday were me, Russ and Mona, Chris and Greg, and Curly Haired Guy. Everyone else either sold off their tickets or decided "screw it, I'm sleeping in". Again, can't fault anyone who made that decision. This team doesn't deserve the level of support it still generates from some of us.

* This is normally where I'd note how awful KC Wolf's sketch was (and it was pretty bad), but that wasn't even close to the worst part of the pregame ceremonies. The chick who did the National Anthem ... I'm pretty sure that was the worst rendition of the Anthem ever at Arrowhead. It was atrocious. It was off key, the words were slurred, the pace was rushed, it was in a word, TURRIBLE. Just TURRIBLE. Let's never invite this chick back to sing ever again, ok Chiefs organization?

I mean, I went with the Blue Ridge Lutheran Church group on Saturday in going around to various care facilities and houses where some of their parishioners were now residing. Good way to spread some holiday cheer to folks who need it. Fun times had by all, believe it or not. (Plus the post-caroling dinner, holy cow, that might be the best four bowls of chili I've ever eaten. When I go back for fourths, you know you've got a winner on your hands).

Anyways, I guarantee you, that group of 25 of us from Saturday, we were more on-key and composed than this chick yesterday was. (Also as a side note, I had my doubts about how much fun this thing could be. After all, I love music, but I can't sing. That, and its a church group, you have to figure there wouldn't be much drinkin' going on. Thankfully, I was wrong. Well, I was right, in that I can't sing. But I knew it would be fun when the first guy introduces himself to us and goes "now, it won't be a problem if I bring a flask? My wife's making me do this ...")

* And now for the weekly exercise where I begin to analyze the game, and instead wind up spending three hours typing up everything that Todd Haley did wrong, get really frustrated, and screw up my point (that Todd Haley is a TURRIBLE head coach) by ranting and raving and generally making no sense. Hooray.

Let's open things up by quoting Bob Gretz' recap of the decision to go for it in the first quarter:

"It (the opportunity to win) disappeared when head coach Todd Haley made another one of those decisions that will be second guessed for many, many days, weeks, even months. Fourth and goal at the Bills one yard line, there's no score and there are four minutes to play in the quarter."

In section 132, this hot as hell blogger was screaming "Kick! Take the points! Kick the f*cking football!" 99 coaches out of 100 in that spot take the gimme three, get on the board, and move forward. But there's always one guy willing to avoid doing the obvious and instead f*ck his team over. We all know who those "one in a hundred" coaches are. Prior to last February, we didn't employ one. We do now.

It wasn't just the decision to go for it there that was infuriating. Again, using the "99 out of 100" approach, you kick the field goal. These are two atrocious offenses going at it, both led by bad quarterbacks protected by leaky offensive lines. Take the damned points! That was bad enough (and would bite us in the ass in the fourth quarter, when instead of kicking to tie, we had to go for the win). Dammit I hate Todd Haley. I hate him so much that there's like smoke coming out of my ears and this bright burning fire in front of me signifying the rage I feel towards this scumbag.

(And I mean "scumbag" in its original definition. Todd Haley = used condom. Damned right he does. Wait, though, that's an insult to the condom, because a used condom indicates its owner "did the right thing" and used protection. Or at least had some fun. That's not something you say about going to watch the Todd Haley-led Chiefs, that it was "fun". That, and Todd Haley wouldn't do the right thing if Spike Lee himself coreographed his coaching decisions).

No, the decision to go was bad enough. The play call was ... really, it was Todd Haley at his scumbag finest. You've just gained 8 yards running it straight ahead with Charles to get you to the goalline. And now, what does Coach Haley call? A designed QB rollout with one of the least mobile QBs in the league. To the surprise of noone, the play was a disaster. Bills DE Aaron Schobel (from? You guessed it, TCU!) wasn't fooled for even 1/1000th of a second, and sacked Cassel for a 7 yard loss.

Gretz put it best (again), noting that "in a season where the head coach is trying to convince his team to play the Haley Way, taking the easy points just isn't going to happen. (...) That was a ten point swing, and that was the ballgame. Oh, there was plenty that happened afterwards, with Cassel throwing four interceptions, Buffalo running for 200 yards as a team ... however, it was Haley's decision to go for the end zone instead of taking the three points that set the tone for the afternoon".

I love that insight. First, for the backhanded putdown of the "Haley Way". And secondly, because Gretz is right -- that decision did set the tone for the afternoon. For the second straight week, our head coach took a stupid risk way too soon in the game, and when said risk blew up in his face, we lost the game because of it. I, for one, am damned sick and tired of seeing this occur. Every damned week. To the team that I love.

* At this point, the boos were reigning down. It was a horrible decision, compounded by an even stupider playcall. (A QB rollout there I could have lived with ... if you gave him a passing option as well! Because there were no receivers on the play, once Schobel guessed right on the playcall, you were drawing dead. At least send a TE across the end zone to give Cassel a target! Wait, that's just too damned sensible and grounded in common sense for this coaching staff to ever consider it. Again, I effing hate Todd Haley).

* The Bills take over after Cassel's sack, and promptly score a touchdown to take the lead 7-0. It was a lead they would never relinquish. In section 132, more boos reigning down. (I'm going somewhere with this, just bear with me ...)

* Chiefs take over after the kickoff, and have a nice drive going, and face 4th and 1 at the Bills 3. (steve sighing in disgust) Look it, I know every week I throw out the "if this is possible" comment in relation to a Todd Haley decision ... but "if this is possible", Todd Haley actually tops himself on the Mental Retardation-o-Meter he pretty much broke fifteen minutes earlier.

First, he challenges the spot, costing us not just a timeout ... but a challenge. This was amongst the dumbest challenges I have ever seen. There was zero chance this was getting overturned. Zero. If you want to take the timeout there to decide what to do, fine. (Actually, its not fine -- there was no decision to make. Kick the f*cking football and get on the scoreboard, like you should have done 15 minutes earlier). But why challenge? Why whiz away a challenge that you might need later on? Especially when you have ZERO chance of winning said challenge! Why! Why, why, why, why, why! (steve bashing head on desk in utter frustration).

Anyways ...

After losing the challenge and burning the timeout, Haley then opts to try the field goal, which is good. 7-3 Bills. But that just begs the question, "what changed from the previous drive to this one?" If you're willing to go for it 15 minutes ago when you need a yard at the goalline, why aren't you willing to do it now in basically the same spot? Yet another thing that drives me insane about this coach: there's no rhyme or reason to his decision making. If you're going to gamble and go for it on 4th down, fine. But be consistent about it.

(I know, the Devil's Advocate would point out "well Haley learned from his mistake 15 minutes ago and decided to take the points". No way. I refuse to even consider the notion that Todd Haley is smart enough to figure this out during a game. Because he's not. That, and Haley went for it again on 4th and 1 on our next drive. No consistency. No discernable pattern of common sense. Your 2009 Chiefs coaching staff everyone!)

* After a Bills field goal makes it 10-3, Chiefs take over at their own 20 with 1:03 to go. This is where the two pointlessly burned timeouts from the 4th and 1 decisions bite you in the ass. And not one of those semi-sexy bites designed to be a turn-on, but a full on "take a chunk out of you" bite. With only one timeout, the Chiefs have to aim for the sidelines. They manage to get a couple completions for once, and are at the Bills 48 with about 30 seconds left in the half, with the clock ticking. Cassel drops back to pass, and is sacked. Chiefs call timeout, and for all intents and purposes, we're at halftime.

If you don't whiz away the timeout on the challenge, you can still try to get into field goal range. If you don't whiz away the timeout deciding fourth and one at the goalline in the first quarter, you can still throw anywhere on the field. Because Todd Haley effed up in both cases, the Chiefs lost the ability to possibly put points on the board. We only needed 10 yards to try a field goal with Succup prior to that sack. Even after the sack, if you have one or both of the whizzed timeouts available, you only need 15 yards to try a field goal, 20 to be reasonably certain its going in.

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but dammit, I can't take much more of this. The ineptness of this coaching staff needs to be hammered home on a continuous basis. Todd Haley deserves to be mercilessly ripped and constantly questioned for his decision making. He needs to be. The sooner the fans of this team wake up and realize just how screwed we are with him on the sideline, the faster a course correction can occur.

And spare me the "he's learning on the job" crap. No. When you're in a specialized field with only 31 other job occupants in the nation, earning millions of dollars a year, you don't get the luxury of "learning on the job". Either you get it, or you don't. Bad coaches don't grow into good ones. The good ones pretty much establish themselves right away, and stay good. While the bad ones suck ass from day one, have lackeys and brain dead fans make excuses for them, and set their team back 3-5 years due to incompetence, poor execution, and p*ssing off the fanbase with the constant incompetence, poor execution, and losing.

* As the Chiefs leave the field at the half, you guessed it. More boos reigning down from section 132. I'm anything but a happy camper at this point. (This is also when I sent Katie to get me some watered down vodka at $10 a pop). And the guy behind me, a drunk "Chiefs fan", apparently has had enough.

With me.

(drunk guy) (grabs me) why are you booing?
(steve) (incredulous) are you watching this game? They deserve to be booed!
(drunk guy) (getting angry) real fans don't boo.
(steve) the hell we don't.
(drunk guy) real fans always cheer for their team.
(steve) (annoyed) no, real fans call bullsh*t when they see it.
(drunk guy) (now really angry) who do you think you are?
(steve) (rapidly becoming angry) what?
(drunk guy) you're not a real fan! You're just some bandwagon p*ssy who got a free ticket today!
(steve) (absolutely speechless)
(drunk guy) I've been sitting here for every game for 20 years --
(steve) (really p*ssed off) the hell you have!
(drunk guy) you challenging me? how would you know, you bandwagon --
(steve) because I've been sitting in this very f*cking seat every game for a decade! And I'm damned sure I have never seen you before!
(drunk guy) (realizes he's been caught) well ... uuh ... maybe not in this seat, but --
(steve) dumb f*ck. and another thing pal. (leans in) if you ever call me a bandwagon fan again, I will beat the sh*t out of you.
(drunk guy) (in shock)

Its at this point, that the two girls with this guy, plus his buddy, step in and "escort" him up the aisle to cool off. The two chicks came back and start apologizing for him, noting that "he's been drinking" and "he really doesn't like the Chiefs losing". To which I reply, OK? And I do like the Chiefs losing? And I haven't been drinking vodka since 6am? I am p*ssed, to put it mildly. I should probably note, the guy I was getting into it with was over 6 feet tall, about 270 pounds, and it wasn't a fat 270, it was a well built 270. I'm 5'10", 165, and will never be accused of having an "athletic build". Its probably good this situation got diffused ...

And I should also probably note, after he came back, all was good. He kept repeatedly apologizing for his outburst. I kept accepting his apology. But here's to hoping this "die hard Chiefs fan" restarts his 20 year streak of no-showhood next week and beyond.

* Cassel's first pass of the second half? Intercepted. Thankfully, the Bills QB was every bit as awful as Cassel yesterday, and Brandon Flowers picked him off in the end zone to save more points and keep the Chiefs within a score.

* Seriously, Matt Cassel is Shining Example Numero Uno of why you don't tear up an existing "contract" with a player, and sign him to a long term deal, until you're damned sure what you have in him. Had Pioli simply had Cassel play under the terms of his Franchise Tag, we could cut the cord after this season and pursue other alternatives. You know, alternatives that actually perform at an acceptable level. Or, if you still believed in Cassel, you could resign him, but at a much lower price tag. Instead? Our brain trust gives Cassel a 6 year, $63 million contract before he's even played a preseason down as a Chief. Let's just say, on the long list of things that didn't go right in 2009, Cassel's long term deal is going to be near the top.

* After the Bills tack on a field goal to make it 13-3, Todd Haley finally realizes "hey! My QB can't throw worth a damn, we're facing the 31st ranked run defense ... I know! Let's run the ball!" 75 untouched yards later, Jamaal Charles gave the Chiefs faithful their only highlight of the game. For the first time in section 132, this hot as hell recapper began to believe we could steal this game.

* After exchanging a pair of three and outs ... Cassel drops back to pass. You guessed it. Interception, this one by Paul Posluszny. Yeah, Cassel's now getting picked off by guys who've missed 70% of their career by being on IR. Good God. The Bills quickly tack on a field goal, to make it 16-10.

* The Chiefs actually challenged whether Posluszny was actually down by contact, or if he fumbled the interception at the end of his return. I will not rip that challenge. I personally thought he was down, but it was close. One of those plays where whatever the original ruling was, was probably going to stand. At that point, down three, and committing a potentially game-cripping turnover midway through the fourth quarter, I'm fine with that challenge. I'm just grateful nothing shady happened the next six minutes though -- because of the retarded challenge in the first half, we didn't have any left to use.

* Chiefs take over after the Bills field goal, and slowly begin to drive the field. And here's where not taking the points in the first quarter bites you in the ass. (Note: why is it that every Todd Haley decision winds up coming back to bite us in the ass? Just once, can this guy do something right? Just once? Please? As much as this might shock you, I really don't want to hate our head coach. Anyways, where was I. Oh yeah, retarded decision to not kick the field goal).

If you'd taken the gimme field goal, its 16-13 Buffalo at this point, and you're driving to tie. The Chiefs actually got to the Bills 20 with about 2:30 to go. Instead of the fourth down pass that got picked off, you'd have Succup coming on to tie the game. (Of course, had Chambers held onto the 3rd down pass, you'd be going for the lead. But with that first quarter field goal, you'd be playing to get up 4 and force the Bills to score a touchdown to beat you, instead of getting up 1 and the Bills only needing a field goal).

The way both defenses were playing (and more specifically, the way both offenses were playing), at that point, you're all but guaranteed overtime. Instead, the Bills get the pick, force the Chiefs to burn through their timeouts, and all but end the game. The Chiefs did get the ball back one last time, still down 16-10, at their own 20 with a minute to go. But too much yardage to cover, not enough time to get there, and Cassel's desperation final toss was picked in the end zone. Bills 16, Chiefs 10. (Amazingly enough, my exact predicted final score on Friday. Wow).

* Postgame, its off to the bus. We didn't stick around for long. After the new tailgating neighbors ducked out with their bus after about half an hour, it was off for home, to cope with the fact that once again, incompetent coaching has cost the Chiefs a victory.

* I can't stress this enough. There is zero reason why the Chiefs should not be 6-7 and a game out of the playoffs right now. None. Now, I'm willing to be realistic here. Even if we were 6-7 and on the fringes of wildcard contention, the odds of the Chiefs winning out to get in at 9-7 would be slim and none, and none would open as a 15 point favorite.

But at least we'd be in the discussion. At least we'd be playing meaningful football in December for the first time since 2006. And as 2006 showed us, anything can happen if you take advantage of the opportunities in front of you.

Todd Haley's Chiefs have been in positions to win. Unfortunately, he always seems to do the exact opposite of what would have meant success when those positions presented themselves to him --

* The idiocy of calling the screen pass just before the half against oakland that cost us three points (the eventual margin of victory for the raiders) when the receiver was tackled in bounds (and the Chiefs had no timeouts to stop the clock with, because -- and I know you're not going to believe this -- Haley burned a timeout when facing a 4th and 2 decision midway through the first quarter).

* The failure to move a safety over for support for Leggett, either in the fourth quarter or overtime, of the loss to Dallas. (Or better yet, given our injury situation that day, scrap the corner man coverage altogether in that spot, play cover three, and at least prevent the only thing Dallas did all day that worked, the 60 yard bombs to Miles Austin).

* The idiocy of going for it on 4th and 1 at your own 35 on the opening drive of the game against San Diego that opened the floodgates to a rout.

* The stupidity of faking a punt at your own 25 when you're only down a score with 28 minutes to go, that led to a 20 unanswered donkeys points that turned a tight competitive game into an ass kicking.

* And now yesterday, not taking the gimme points in the first quarter, instead opting to call a ridiculous quarterback bootleg with no pass outlet if things break down. Instead of having a shot to win in overtime, the Chiefs lost for the 17th time in the last 19 games that count at Arrowhead because of more bone-headed decision making from both the head coach and his general on the field. (I do not think that it's a coincidence, that the two most brain challenged members on this squad are the head coach and the QB, and we've lost 10 of 13 games. Not a coincidence at all).

Bad teams tend to be bad because ... well, because the talent base just isn't there. Either the team has embraced a rebuild, or they're in denial about the need for a rebuild, but either way, the talent isn't there.

(Or they completely screw up the rebuild through year after year of incompetent drafting decisions, bad free agent signings, and horrible coaching hires. Like the 2009 Chiefs).

Nobody is suggesting the 2009 Chiefs should be challenging for the Lombardi Trophy. The talent level simply isn't there to contend week in, week out with the best of the best.

But I am saying that they should be at least three games better in the standings than they are. The reason why we are an also-ran yet again, as opposed to being in the mix of 7 teams within a game of the final wildcard spot, is because the Chiefs screw up the routine more than any other team I've ever seen.

99 coaches out of 100 instinctively know the right thing to do in a situation. So long as you've got one of those 99 calling the shots for you, you've got a chance. Even the worst of the 99 at least handles the routine correctly. Its when you get the 1 out of 100 that you're FUBAR'd.

Todd Haley is definitely in the category of 1. Until and unless Chiefs management recognizes this and pulls the plug, there's no reason for hope or optimism about this team. They will continue to lose in jaw-dropping fashion. They will continue to find ways to get embarrassed by the contenders, and humiliate themselves against the pretenders. They will continue to praise their practices, and continue to embarrass themselves on the turf on gameday. "You are what you are". The 2009 Chiefs are the worst coached team Chiefs team in at least 21 years. They are a freaking embarrassment to themselves, to the city, to the history of this franchise.

Worst of all, they're the single worst thing a professional team can be -- absolutely unbearable to watch.

(Bring on the Browns in a matchup of the two worst head coaches in the league! Holy crap, common sense might be set back 55 years on Sunday when these two intellectual "giants" lock wits on the field ...)