idol top 9: don't stop (thinking about tomorrow!) no seriously, please don't stop!

Anyone who knew me growing up, knows that I was raised on a steady diet of crappy sitcoms and classic rock music.  (You’d think I was born in the 1970s or something.  Oh.  Wait.)

So let me open this “Idol” recap with a true story, to set the scene for the most anticipated night I’ve had for this show since Neil Diamond night four years ago*.

(*: no night will ever top that one, in terms of anticipation, hype, and number of “I’m evicting you!  No really, I’m tossing your sh*t to the curb if you don’t turn the godd*mned channel!” moments of frustration from Dusty, stuck watching the episode with me.  In his defense?  He has none.  It’s Neil F*cking Diamond!  #bringbackndrsiriusxm!)

It was August 1997.  This at the time hot-as-hell twenty year old had just returned to college after a relaxing summer off.  My roommates that fall were two guys who would turn out to be two of my three best friends in college.  Well, back up.  One of them already was, Vineet, who I met the first day on campus two years earlier.  He was living across the hall from me, and wound up being my roommate for all but one semester after that throughout the college experience.  The other one, Frank, I had met through work, and as luck would have it, he and Vineet were good friends, so it kind of all came together for a pretty magical two year run*.  Anyways, I was the last one to arrive for the semester – Vineet lived in Garland (suburb of Dallas), and Frank had stayed in Fort Worth all summer, so needless to say, it was party on for night one … night two … Christ, night nineteen of my return**.

(*: another true story from my college years: “The Voice of Reason” and my buddy Jasson came down to visit me a few months later.  Me and Frank and those two are sitting around just getting sh*t faced drunk on a random Friday night … and Gregg decides to start calling Frank “Tony”, because he looked like Tony Gonzalez.  In G’s defense?  Yes, he did look like Tony Gonzalez, right down to being built like a f*cking tank.  College!  Only $309 a credit hour back then!  Also, in most people’s dining room, they have like a table, some chairs, maybe a hutch.  Our dining room?  Was Frank’s workout room.  He tried to get me lifting about 5500 times during our two years as roommates.  As anyone who’s ever seen me with a shirt off can attest, it didn’t happen.  Back to story time.)

(**: the third of my best friends was Mike.  And since I’m in random story telling mode, let me set the scene for the day we moved into the apartment that fall.  We’ve spent all day moving crap in, we’re sitting around enjoying some cervesas courtesy of Frank’s dad, enjoying a “cigar” or three, when we notice the folks across the hall moving out.  Feeling generous (or more likely, drunk, stoned or both), we offer to help the two guys since they were moving all kinds of electronics out – TV, stereo, an N64, plus furniture, you name it.  Remember, this is the Metroplex in August – it’s 115 f*cking degrees every day.  So now we’ve done our good deed for the day.  Later that night, we get a loud knock on our door.  We open it, and its two very attractive females who ask us if we saw anyone in the apartment across the porch earlier that day.  We explain that yes, we did, and we helped them move their stuff out, figuring these chicks are looking for their boyfriends or something.  Turns out, oh hell to the yes, we committed a felony in all 57 states and the District of Barack Obama’s America, because we aided two thieves stealing all their sh*t.  Damn, I miss college.  And I haven’t even dropped the story about when Frank put up the “Cocoa Vineet” for the world to enjoy … yet anyways …)

So, since this was 1997, pre iPod / download days, my accessory of choice for walking around campus was a Sony Discman.  I don’t think I ever went anywhere without it, mainly to avoid having to talk to people I had no interest in talking to, your random walk-bys that you know from a class project two years ago, so you have to stop and talk for five minutes and shoot the sh*t about someone you could care less about.  And I swear, I’m going somewhere with this.

My cd of choice when school started that fall … was “The Dance”.  No, not Garth Brooks’ cd … Fleetwood Mac’s reunion cd.  My dad beating “The Mac” into me (not literally of course) had paid off, and to this day it’s my favorite cd of all time.  Well, needless to say, a 20 year old kid who is listening non-stop to Fleetwood Mac is going to get mocked.  Mercilessly.  By his roommates, who had no clue who Fleetwood Mac or Stevie Nicks or Lindsey Buckingham were.

So if you know me, the rest of this story will make sense.  Instead of fighting back, I take it for a couple days.  “Yeah, yeah, I’m the dork, so be it.”  And then, sure as sh*t, and this is the semester we discovered we were stealing every cable channel known to man for the low, low price of $0.00 each month (another hilarious story – man, I should just have a “college stories” post someday.  So we’re sitting around watching some movie channel, and “National Lampoon’s Vacation” comes on, and the familiar “Holiday Road” theme fires up, and Frank is singing along to every word.  The conversation as I somewhat remember it:

(stevo) So you like this song?

(frank) yeah!  Great movie, great song!  “Holiday ROOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOD!”

(stevo) Do you know who does it?

(frank) Not a clue.

(stevo) Lindsey Buckingham sings that.

(frank) That song is sung by a chick?

(stevo) No, a guy.  And he’s the co-lead singer of Fleetwood Mac.

(frank) No sh*t?!?!

So that drew Frank in.  He was willing to give “The Dance” a chance.  Vineet was next up, and once I pointed out that the Smashing Pumpkins cover of “Landslide” was a cover of a Fleetwood Mac song, he was in with both feet.  Two months later, we paid $129 / ticket to go to the tour stop at (Dysfunction Family) Reunion Arena.

My point being – you will not find a bigger Fleetwood Mac fan than me, other than possibly one of my two college roommates.  And you will definitely not find a bigger Stevie Nicks fan than me.  So when I saw Stevie Nicks was this week’s guest mentor on “Idol”?  Other than Neil Diamond night, I’ve never looked forward to an event on this show more than this one.

Dim the lights, here we go.

First up, this site’s rubber chicken, Colton, performing “Everything” by Lifehouse.  Oh goodie, a religious song.  Surprisingly … I actually like this song, believe it or not.

Well, the ACLU will probably be filing suit today over that performance, because that was as close to an evangelical worship service as you will see on America’s top rated show.  But you know what?  Screw it.  That was good.  And spare me the “of course you thought it was good, this is who you want to win this freaking show” rebuttal.  I blasted Stefano last year at this point, and said he should go home (which he did.)  I can be objective. 

Steven: “perfect pitch, got that star quality”.  Oh good grief.  It was solid, but it was not “pitch perfect”, and anyone who looks like he’s wearing this morning’s roadkill on his head isn’t “star quality”.  JLo was “really moved”.  So was I, by about seven inches by that lovely low-cut white dress you’re wearing.  Wait, did I just type that out loud?  Randy … what the hell is that necklace?  And the pearl wrist corsage?  Oh dear Lord, how is this guy not in a mental institution?  And … “I think I could be looking at a contender for the title!  He’s in it to win it!”  Let’s face it – we all need Randy Jackson in our lives like I need a hole in my head. 

Skylar next, doing Miranda Lambert’s “Gunpowder and Lead”.  Gonna be tough to top Lauren and Haley doing this last year.  And DAMN if she’s not rocking this out!  This is really, really good.  This chick is really growing on me.  She’s one to keep an eye on – if any female can win this year, why not her?  She’s my Jordin Sparks Memorial “Came from Nowhere Via One Incredible Performance to Become a Front Runner” winner for this year.

This is phenomenal.  I would absolutely pay $25 to see her sing this live.  I will definitely pay $1.29 to download this on iTunes to enjoy at my pleasure.  I mean, sweet Jesus, if the first two performances are an indication of what tonight is gonna be?  This is gonna rival Bon Jovi night from season six as “Idol”’s finest hour (or two).

JLo effusive with the praise.  Steven: “that was beautiful, good for you”.  Agreed.  Randy: “Mississippi was in it!”  Really, Randy?  Really?  Notes that country music is “all telling a story”.  In that case, give me “Idol” alum Casey James’ fabulous new “story”, “Let’s Don’t Call it a Night”.

Trio time: Colton, Philip, and Elise covering Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac hits, specifically “Landslide”*, “Don’t Stop”**, and “Edge of Seventeen”.

(*: arguably the greatest song ever written.  And Stevie wrote it when she was 20.  Also the coolest song on “The Dance”, to compare her original off 1975’s self-titled debut Mac cd … against 1997’s version.  It’s haunting how much has changed … and yet hasn’t, between the two versions.  I link to both versions in two paragraphs.  The dichotomy is incredible to listen to.  Whichever version suits your fancy ... they're both awesome efforts.  Especially the heart-felt version of the latter.)

(**: I will go to my grave believing Bill Clinton won in 1992 because of tapping into classic rock as a campaign theme.  Especially when compared to his opponent, who didn’t understand how a UPC code works.  The modern era of America was launched by then-candidate Clinton grabbing this song as his campaign theme.  I really wish we could go back to the Clinton years sometimes, namely every time our current moron-masquarading-as-President opens his mouth.)

Colton covers “Landslide” like the original version.  Me?  I prefer “The Dance” version, but that’s probably because I’m not twenty and starting life out anymore.  Holy crap, is Elise nailing “Edge of Seventeen”!  Please, “Idol”, I smell a results night pairing here!  This is incredible!  She’s totally nailing the essence of the song.  And for the last number, hang on, let me clear my throat, because there isn’t a shot in h-e-double hockey sticks I’m not singing along …

“Don’t Stop!  Thinking about tomorrow!

Don’t Stop!  It’ll soon be here!

It’ll be here!  Better than before!

‘Cause yesterday’s gone!  Yesterday’s gone!!!”

Wow, does Phil sound like Lindsey Buckingham.  My God, does he sound like him covering this song.  A tremendously enjoyable four minutes that I wish had lasted twenty minutes longer!  (dusty voice) So a typical first time with Stevo?  (stevo voice) (pausing) … (searching for comeback …) f*ck my life.

Next up, Heejun, covering “A Song for You”.  This is the song that vaulted Elliott Yamin from also-ran to homecoming status.  I gotta be honest – I don’t grasp for 2/1000ths of a second the following this guy has.  Yes, I know Gregg is my “Voice of Reason” … but I’m not seeing it.  Champ, care to explain?  I see a drama queen milking his fifteen seconds of fame, with a minimal amount of talent, albeit this performance is pretty good.  But I’m not feeling it.

That was decent.  It did NOT deserve a standing ovation from the judges.  I get that one of them is mentally retarded, one of them is drugged / crazied out, and the other one is moving me seven inches at a time, but for crying out loud, that was not that great.  Steven: “you let that song sing you”.  I have no idea what that meant.  JLo: “you don’t make it this far by mistake”.  Sanjaya begs to differ.  Ditto my most hated “Idol” contestant ever who I am shockingly loving the hell out of on “Smash”, Katherine McPhee.  Randy: “it wasn’t perfect”.  When Randy Jackson is the “Voice of Reason”, isn’t that an insult to all legitimate “Voice of Reasons” that are out there?  (cue gregg nodding his head in vociferous agreement).

Next up, Hollie covering one of my brother’s favorite songs, “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.  I know, I know – cue the “how many times have you or your brother screamed that phrase leaving the Isle” comeback.  (The answer: 1,938,683,683 times (approximate).)

And I gotta admit, this is good.  This is damned good.  I laughed out loud reading Slezak giving out 7 B’s or better for last night … but damn, this night is rocking it!  I would absolutely pay $1.29 on iTunes to enjoy that again.

Randy: “you did a really good job on that”.  Bitches about pitch, the audience boos, but Randy has a point – she doesn’t have a lower range.  My God, did I just type “Randy has a point” out loud?  JLo: “to me, that was your best”.  Agreed.  “That was the first time I really felt … like (you) connected with the song.”  Agreed.  Steven: “I’m going to get between both of you, which I’ve been trying to do for a long time” (rimshot!)  Says it was just “ok”.  If that’s just “ok”, then this night is one to remember.  (In Steven’s defense?  So far, it has been.)

DeAndre up next, covering “Sometimes I Cry” by Eric Benet.  I have never heard this song before.  I don’t even know who the hell Eric Benet is. 

That was a mess.  And somehow the Dumbf*ck Trio are standing and applauding.  Steven: “100 percent passion.”  He’s drunk.  JLo: “that was hands down something you do not hear everyday”.  Unless you count me singing in the shower, then yes, a sh*t-tacular performance IS something you hear every day.  Randy: “you get every flavor under the rainbow”.  Uum, what?  The judges loved that.  I hated it.  Barring a completely meltdown by one of our remaining contestants, DeAndre has, in the words of Boyz II Men, “come to the end of the road!*”

(*: I cheated – while proofing this, I checked Slezak’s results recap.  In the words of Bob Eucker … excuse me, Harry Doyle, “he is … safe!  Safe!  And the Indians win it!  The Indians win it!  OH MY GOD the Indians win it!”  Or in this case, Sanjaya Junior is “out!”  Thank God.  I think.)

Now the “Sanchize” of this show (rimshot!), Jessica Sanchez covering “Sweet Dreams” by Beyonce.  And since that was very good, and I haven’t heard it yet so far this year, let me predict RJ saying that “she could sing the phone book!”  A phrase he’s never quite explained the meaning of, eleven years in.  JLo: you did a beautiful job.  Agreed.  But it wasn’t “memorable”.  I will not be paying $1.29 for that.  Steven: “I think you’re a star”.  Randy: shockingly did not drop the “sing the phone book” blast, and shockingly did not mention he was in Journey.  Other than that, I have no idea what he just said.  But he’s throwing shout-outs to Colton for some reason.  I’m going with “rum in the Coke cup” for 400, Alex.

Hey, another trio performance, covering Michael Jackson.  “Lady in my Life”, “Rock With You” and “PYT”.  I’ll put it this way – there could be a full on execution on stage, with blood spattering over the camera, and whatever this “PYT” turns out to be, will STILL be better than Danny Gokey’s abortion of a performance of this song three years ago.

Unlike the Fleetwood Mac / Stevie Nicks trilogy earlier?  This is not only completely forgettable, it’s god awful.  And thanks for reminding me I still have to sit through Joshua Ledet later on.  Although his performance of “PYT” isn’t half bad, in a “I would swallow cyanide, but not put the gun to my head” way of choosing suicide to avoid it.

All that’s left is three solos and a Madonna trilogy?  I kinda don’t want this episode to end, the last four minutes notwithstanding.  This has been one of “Idol”’s finest broadcasts ever so far.

Next up Phil, covering “Still Rainin’” by Jonny Lang, another song I’ve never heard.  And I gotta admit … as we hit the quarter pole, this puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken is closing fast on the leaders.  This is REALLY good if you’re a DMB / OAR type of music fan (which I am).  This is REALLY good.  I said it last week, and I’ll say it again this week: I would absolutely pay $25 to toke up watching this guy perform at Starlight.  This is REALLY good, albeit with a crappy ending note. 

Standing ovation from the judges.  JLo: “this is too much!”  No, it’s not enough.  JLo talking about “The Secret”.  Hey, you stole that from “The Sports Guy”’s Book of Basketball, no fair!  Steven loved it (as did I.  Hey, great Steve’s think alike!)  Randy name dropping and says “this competition has every flavor”.  It’s high damned time we have the DMB / OAR / Ben Harper “flavor” on this show.  Haven’t had it since Blaker five years ago.

Josh up next covering “Without You”.  For the record, I HATE the Mariah Carey / Luther Vandross version of this song … and REALLY HATE the Harry Nilsson original version of this song.  I feel the need for another beer.  He’s chosen (predictably) to go with the Mariah / Luther version.  And then out of nowhere, switches to Harry Nilsson’s take for the first chorus … and switches back to Mariah / Luther for the back half of said chorus. 

And you know what?  I get it.  I now get why people / fans of this show root for this guy.  That was DAMNED good, his stupid vocal riff at the end notwithstanding.  He’s Jacob Lusk Junior.  He’s destined for a sixth place finish.  Unlike Jacob, with a range like Josh has?  We’ll be hearing from him after this season is decided.

Randy: “Dude, I love you!  I love your voice!  I think that was flawless!”  Come on, someone HAS to say it … We’re (stevo doing the math …) 10 performances in (counting group medleys), and still nobody has said it … Steven notes how epic tonight has been, and I nod in agreement … JLo: “you’re a phenom”.  Oh child, please.  Very talented, yes.  Phenom?  Oh child, please!

I do agree with JLo on one thing: there is no front-runner.  For the first time since season six, there’s no obvious top three.  There are seven left in the field that can win this (all but Heejun and DeAndre).  It’s why I love this show.

WHOO!  A Madonna medley: the “Sanchize”, Hollie, and Skylar covering “Like a Prayer”, “Borderline”, and “Express Yourself”.  (Your random trivia note of the night: anyone who tells you “Like a Virgin” was Madonna’s first number one … is full of shit.  It was her second.  “Borderline” was what put her on the map.)  All three performances were beyond enjoyable, especially Hollie on “Borderline”, which is probably my favorite Madonna song, gun to my head.  It’s that, or Chris Griffin’s cover of “Crazy for You” on “Family Guy”.

Once again, I tragically agree with Randy: I am DIGGING the throwback medleys.  In a related development, I have been drinking while doing this recap.  Go figure.

Elise our last contestant, doing Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”.  How she’s topping Adam Lambert from three years ago, I have no idea … but Slezak in his recap swears she did.  Let’s see …

And God bless it, she IS topping it!  This is approaching “Top 20 on “Idol” Ever” territory!  Hold on Skylar, we have a challenger for this year’s “Jordin Sparks Memorial” recipient!  THAT was amazing!!!

This chick has sick talent!  That was the best female performance on this show since Crystal NAILED “Midnight Train to Georgia”!  JLo: “I didn’t want to get up!  You made me get up!”  Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that to a hot chica … Steven: “you made Robert Plant proud tonight!”  Randy … FINALLY!  “You killed it!”  Hell yes she did!  With the wrench, in the hallway, and Professor Plum has a guilty look on his face!

That was “Idol”’s most enjoyable night for me in a few years.  This remaining top eight (minus one obvious “not quite ready for prime time” player) is the deepest talent pool this show has had since season six, when any of the last six standing could have won this thing.  (The top six in season six were so freaking good, that it was the first time “Idol” sent nobody home – Chris was spared the chopping block for a week, setting up the first dual-elimination night in the final part of the competition.  All that decision delivered?  Was “Idol”’s finest hour, Bon Jovi night.  There’s something to be said for having talent on the roster.)

How “Idol” tops this next week, I have no idea.  I doubt it’s possible.  But THAT … that was one HELLUVA enjoyable night of music!  

smash episode eight: the coup, where a white guy not named dusty singing bob marley happens

“I am worried … about your sanity”

----------------

“Smash”’s eighth episode, “The Coup”, was honestly my favorite to date, beginning with the opening scene in which Frank serenades Julia with a Bob Marley tune (“Everything’s Gonna Be Alright”) while toker son Leo, shown in his room, smiles knowingly along at the inside joke.  (Or is that inside “toke” (rimshot!)  I’m telling you, these things write themselves.)

The episode’s title refers to devious Derek’s ambitious plan – to hijack Tom and Julia’s “Marilyn” out from under them, to refashion it in what he views as a better way, with a different Marilyn to boot.

Having noted up front how much I enjoyed this episode (and the show in general), allow me to bitch about the worst ongoing subplot, and that is how dense / dumb / mentally challenged when it comes to common sense Karen tends to be.  Believe it or not writers of this show?  Not everyone from flyover country suffers from brain damage.  Not all of us are as dumb as Peter’s horse on “Family Guy”.  No, not everyone in the Midwest has realized that The Enlightenment occurred two hundred years ago, and that we aren’t bound to simply believe blindly in things that aren’t provable because our great grandparents did.  But most of us have common sense, or at least can see a coup d’ etat underway when it’s underway.  Let’s work on making Karen’s character more believable, please.  (But thanks for dropping the adoption subplot though!  Leo’s ongoing weed issues is a much more enjoyable storyline.  Uum, not that I’ve ever taken a hit of the wacky tobaccy.  In the last 48 hours.  Let’s move on before I incriminate myself, and yes Dusty, “incriminate” is a word.  It even passed spellcheck and everything.)

My ten favorite things about this episode, mostly in order as they appear:

10. Leo’s drug charges reduced to “failure to obey a park sign”.  That sign?  “No walking on the recently seeded grass.”  Oh, you witty clever “Smash” writers, you!  I love people who see the obvious one-liner, and just go for it, rather than groan and ignore it.

9. If you had to pick one person in this world to finally put Derek in his place, who would you pick?  I’m not sure either, but Ryan Tedder of “One Republic” isn’t a bad choice.  That was a fun couple scenes in the warehouse.

8. At the risk of offending (doing the rough math here … carry the two, divide by one, multiply by nine …) 88.56% of my reading audience, the best thing about this show?  Is that they treat all relationships on equal footing.  And please, spare me the “gay marriage makes a mockery of marriage” bullshit.  Really?  Because us straight folks, with our 50% first marriage divorce rate, 62% second marriage divorce rate, constant infidelity, and cohabitating (aka “why even bother with marriage”) haven’t made a mockery of it?  And don’t even get me started on the really shitty “we’re just defending the traditional definition of marriage” argument.  No you’re not.  The traditional definition of marriage for 90% of recorded human history is one man, multiple women.  Unless you’re defending polygamy, you’re not for traditional marriage.  Times change, people evolve, usually for the better (as in the case of doing away with polygamy).  I applaud “Smash” for daring to show a loving gay couple as a natural thing – in this week’s case, two partners cooking dinner, having a typical end-of-day conversation, simply living life.  A normal human couple.  God forbid anyone on the religious right realize those exist.

7. The bowling alley scene.  Take a great rock-out song (“Dance to the Music”, sadly missing a coked out Sly and his Family Stone), toss in a few bowling balls, and voila, magic.  Or at least a highly entertaining two minutes.  (Emphasis on “high” (rimshot!)  Told you these things wrote themselves.)

6. Even if it was just a twenty second throwaway, Eileen in the dive bar!  Enjoying yet another “best seven dollar martini in Manhattan”.  As someone who has one dive bar* he absolutely loves, anytime you can go to a dive bar, you have to do it.

(*: in my case, it’s the Daily Double in Raytown, at 63^rd and Woodson.  The place is so classy that (a) the ceiling tiles are ringed with brown stains from all the cigarette smoke, (b) four Bud Lights and a stiff vodka tonic set you back $10 (with tip), and (c) the only way you know where this place is?  Is because the sign outside says “Lounge”.  And the surest sign you’re a lounge in flyover country?  It’s closed on Sunday.  We need more “lounge”’s in our life.  I know I’m right about this.)

5. This scene will get a couple slots … but the “Touch Me” scene.  Ellis and Ivy sneaking in was predictable.  But the look of horror on Julia and Tom’s faces as they realize Derek has decided to “sleaze up” their musical is priceless.

4. It slays me that a kid that graduated from ORU and is by self-admission a devout Christian, is the composer of “Touch Me”.  I’m just saying, sometimes you can’t judge a book by its cover. (See Tebow, Tim, underwear model.)

3. The Tom and Derek long-overdue showdown.  Honestly, this was my favorite scene in the series so far.  We finally find out the reason for their mutual hate, we get the classic “Welcome to my level” putdown from Derek, and we reach … détente?  Somehow I doubt it, but it’s curious to contemplate.

2. The opening to the final scene, Ivy, fired as the lead, sitting in her bed, breaks into “Let Me Be Your Star”, and honestly?  THAT’S how that song should be sung.  Haunting, depressing, a person looking back at what could have been, and knowing that abject failure was the ultimate result, sings it in a halting, wistful manner.  Loved that scene.  Finally,

1. Derek shows up at Ivy’s doorstep.  Not to ridicule her, not to humiliate her, just to be there for her.  I think these two have a future, if (a) he wasn’t such a pompous ass, and (b) he wasn’t such a pompous ass.  Funny, I would have said that about my ex-roommate a time or two in the past, and both of them have done quite well for themselves – in the words of Ryan Lefebvre, they have both “punted well beyond their coverage”, pompous assishness be damned. 

I know most critics ripped this episode, but I kinda dug it.  Give it a chance on Hulu if you haven’t seen it.  It’s not a completely worthless way to spend 43 minutes of your day …

idol top 10: where joey logano in a trucker hat happens

I will spare you the “Smash” recap this week (hooray?), although it was a thoroughly enjoyable episode that reinforced why I like the show … and most importantly, led NBC to announce today that there will be a season two of “Smash” (hooray!!!!)

But, since I skipped “Idol” last week, and since it is Billy Joel night, and he does do two songs I absolutely love (“She’s Got a Way” and “Piano Man”), to say nothing of writing one of my favorite Garth Brooks songs (“Shameless”), AND all three were performed last night?

The least I can do is recap the performances.

Dim the lights, here we go.

Should probably note, I’m Youtube!ing the performances and possibly the judges reactions.  We’re at that point in the “Idol” season where we’ve identified the five to six contestants worth giving a damn about, and now we gotta suffer for a month through the “weeding out the crap” part of the show.  That, and I have the NCAA toonumunt on TV right now, so Youtube! is my only option, since Channel 131 is down.

First up, DeAndre Brackensick, doing “Only the Good Die Young”.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I love when this allegedly wholesome family show allows its contestants to perform songs that leave little to the imagination.  Never more so than when they let Kris Allen actually cover “She Works Hard for the Money” by Donna Summer, a song that glorifies prostitution, paying for sex, and strippers.  Come on, you only live one.  You can always clean up your act when you hit 40.  (Or at least that’s my goal.)

And sweet Jesus, is this awful.  He doesn’t have the voice to pull this off, and he’s taking it way, way, way too poppy.  Plus that outfit is hideous.  Although that might be bias shining through – I wear Nautica, not Hilfiger.

The cheezy trumpeters aren’t helping either.  Does this dude not realize this is a song about trying to screw a Catholic school girl?  Even Britney Spears at age fifteen “got” that fantasy in “One More Time”.  This guy wouldn’t get the fantasy if it put a hole in his head.

And what’s up with his constant moving back and forth?  Let’s just say, he’s placing in the bottom three this week.  That was hideous.

Stevo Grade: D-.  Only saved from being an F because of the pretty neat piano riff with about 20 seconds left in the performance.  Plus he did nail my favorite line: “I’d rather lay with the sinners than roll with the saints … because the sinners are much more fun!”

Second up, and I’m using Slezak’s immediate reaction at tvline.com to try to get the order right, Erica Van Pelt with “New York State of Mind”.  In the interest of full disclosure, I HATE this song.  And I’m not a fan of this contestant either.  This might be “pull the plug 30 seconds in” territory we’re entering for the first time all season.

(Should take a moment here to rant: why, “American Idol”, do you post every performance on Youtube! and your own official site … but DO NOT HAVE next day complete re-broadcasts at either fox.com or americanidol.com?  What’s up with that?  At least offer a next day re-broadcast on Hulu Plus, like FOX does with your other shows.  This is a criminate outrage.  It’s Zues in nature.  Christ, enter 2009 already.  Let’s move on to whatever crappy performer is up next.)

Erica’s doing a jazzy take on this, and it actually isn’t half bad.  Until she hits the bridge, and her voice is giving out.  She’s taken it too high.  Although the last thirty seconds, she redeemed herself.  There’s no way she should go home over DeAndre.  No way.  And if that’s a bottom three performance, then we’re getting one rock solid performance night, uuh, last night.

Stevo Grade: C+. 

Third up, Joshua Ledet covering “She’s Got a Way”.  I gotta admit, this is my favorite Billy Joel song.  I absolutely love it.  I hope someday to meet a girl who I feel this way about.  So of COURSE one of my least favorite contestants draws it.  Please, Josh, don’t murder this.  (With the wrench, in the lounge.  OOH, I rarely go to the wrench!  Way to change up the “Clue” reference Stevo!)

Hang on, let me channel my inner Derek on “Smash” here thirteen seconds in.  STOP, STOP, STOP!  This song is NOT meant to be THAT slow.  It’s not meant to be a cheezy lounge act.  Thirteen seconds in, and I’m ready to start chucking empty (stevo checking what tonight’s adult beverage of choice is) Budweiser cans at the laptop.  I mean, really Josh?  Sitting backwards on a chair, dragging out every note, before we get through the first verse?  Somewhere Billy Joel is rolling over … in his bed, laughing at the ridiculous royalties he’s making off last night.  But here in South KC?  I’ve just grabbed an empty can before hitting “play” again …

(Derek voice) STOP, STOP, STOP!  43 seconds in.  Dude, look, I get that you want to “make this your own”, but for f*ck’s sake, some songs are not meant to be, uuh, f*cked with.  THIS?  Is one of those songs.  Please, stop the “jumping from one range to another” crap you’re undertaking right now.  The beauty of this song is that it’s just Billy Joel, in a recording studio, playing the piano as a few fans listen in.  (No, seriously, that is the actual released version of the song.  It was done live, in studio.)  There’s no ridiculous Bon Jovi like riffs, no cheezy accompanyments, it’s just Billy Joel, at a piano, singing his emotions in a level, rational voice.  God forbid you grasp the f*cking song you picked to sing.

(Derek voice) STOP, STOP, STOP!  1:13 in.  This is NOT a song you will find in your “songs of the faith” book in Mass on Sunday morning.  Why in the hell is he turning this into a gospel / hymny tune?  I swear, this show taxes the faith of even its most loyal viewers at times, and this performance is just about as taxed out as us in the 51% of Barack Obama’s America are at this point.

God, he really is Jacob Lusk Junior.  Slezak and Mindy Doolittle nailed that on Idology this week.

Stevo Grade: F-.  If there was a grade lower than that, I’d give it.  That was two minutes of my life, four if you count the pauses to type the immediate reaction, I’d give anything to have back.

Fourth up, Skylar Laine doing “Shameless”.  THIS has potential.  Gotta admit, while Colton is this site’s rooster / puppy / pony / rubber chicken* in this fight … this chick is winning me over.  She’s easily the best female performer this show has had since Crystal was robbed of the title two years ago.  (Sorry, Lauren is good … but she ain’t “The One”, Mr. Tyler.)  

(*: the rooster / puppy / pony reference is obviously a gambling line.  Because you bet on roosters (cock fighting), puppies (the dog track), and ponies (the, uum, pony track).  The rubber chicken got thrown in because my good buddy Dusty’s dog’s rubber chicken tragically wound up on their roof last year, and every time Zeus would go into the back yard, he’d bark at the roof to get his chicken down … until one day, it was magically on the deck.  Since I tend to root for the “underdog”, and nothing’s a bigger longshot than “rubber chicken stuck on roof magically falling to ground with no human intervention”, that got added to the rotation of acceptable gambling references for betting on the underdog.)

(bud light voice) Here wego!  (Note: how awesome is that ad?  At least I think it’s awesome.  Although I could never imagine Priest as a “Wego”, seeing as how he was too lazy to leave the deck when he had to go most of the time.)

Oh Lord, 20 seconds in, and I fear we’re getting a reprise of Lauren’s “proposal” to an audience member last year – the spotlight is on both Skylar and some dude in a trucker’s hat and OHMYF*CKINGGOD that’s Joey Logano!  Holy sh*t Batman!  Hang on, I’m rewinding this … OMFG that IS Joey Logano!  Sweet Jesus, FOX will stop at NOTHING to promote their other programming within their own shows!  (Not that I’m complaining … but come on, we all know Kasey Kahne’s the guy to promote in this spot, even if he is (gulp) 32^nd in the points right now.)

And she walks away from Joey.  Poor guy.

This is really good.  Even if FOX tragically chose Joey Logano for the spotlight over the 5.

Stevo Grade: A-.  That was fantastic.  And a rewind makes me believe that’s Keselowski next to Logano, and Trevor Bayne across from him.  Fantastic!  I’ll definitely download that on iTunes this weekend.

Fifth up, Elise covering “Vienna”.  I have no freaking clue what this song is, but I’m guessing I will hate it.

I’ll give Elise this: if I was in a night club, or a lounge, and she was performing this song?  I wouldn’t object.  It’s not great … but it’s not fast-forward awful.

Stevo Grade: B-.  She’s safe.

Next up, our season’s stoner, Phil Phillips, doing “Movin’ Out”.  Only God knows how this is going to wind up.

Good God, he is totally channeling his inner Dave Matthews, right down to “only guy in the spotlight, with weird yet pleasant sounding voice, with only a guitar backing him up”.  And it’s working.

This is actually REALLY good, if you’re a fan of the DMB / Ben Harper / Brett Dennen type of music (which I am, stunner I know).  Put it this way: I would absolutely pay $25 to smoke a joint at Sandstone or Starlight while watching this guy perform.  Uum, not that I have ever done before.

Stevo Grade: A.  It’s not the best performance so far, but I liked it more than Skylar’s.

Now we come to Hollie Cavanaugh, covering “Honesty”, a song that drives me crazy because, well, it just does.

And incredibly enough … I’m digging this so far.  I like it being an octave or two higher than Billy Joel’s version.  This is not half bad.  (And unlike Phil’s performance two minutes ago, it’s not half baked either (rimshot!))

She tried too hard at the end, but that was enjoyable.  As “The Voice of Reason” would say, “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.  Especially if my name was crackers (rimshot!)”  Come on man, I’ve been waiting four years on this site to bust that classic out.

Stevo Grade: A-.  I’d listen to that again.  And if she isn’t one of the first three or four “safe” contestants, then this show needs to drastically change its voting system to ensure a bunch of 13 year old girls don’t determine our winner for the second (possibly third) year in a row. 

Heejun Hun, doing “My Life”.  “The Voice of Reason” and I disagree about this guy – I think he’s Sanjaya Junior, G likes him.  Look it, yes, he’s funny, but is he honestly one of the thirteen best contestants this season?  HELL NO.

Oh sweet Jesus, he’s channeling his inner Ren McCormack with the cheezy “let's dance!” line to the piano player.  In his defense?  You’ll never find a bigger fan of “Footloose” than me.  Wait, did I just type that out loud?

Pausing this at :21 in, Steven Tyler looks apoplectic.  In his defense?  His look is matching mine at this point.

OK, fine, the guy has fun up there.  Good for him.  But for God’s sake, not even Sanjaya’s voice is this unlistenable.  I mean, not even MY voice is this unlistenable, and I think I have the weirdest, worst-sounding voice in recorded human history.

In the words of Chuck Barkley: “that was TURRIBLE!”  Sorry, I don’t get the infatuation with this guy.

Stevo Grade: C-

Two to go, hang in there – they’re the two best contestants so far (along with Skylar a very close third) this season …

First up, J-Chez, as Grantland has taken to calling her, doing “Everybody Has a Dream”.  Yes, yes we do honey, and it’s that you deliver a solid performance, which for the most part has been lacking tonight.

Wow, has she got a voice.  I mean, (dave armstrong* voice) WOW!  Has she got a voice!

(*: I had a good buddy growing up, who ironically I work with now, who shared the same last name with Dave.  Let’s just say, he was NOT a fan of having to share his last name with a tool like Dave.  In his defense?  I’m not a fan of Dave either.)

That was perfectly acceptable, “safe to the next round” entertainment.  (AKA, there ain’t a shot in hell I will either remember that performance a week from now, or have it on my iPod when I get to work on Monday.)

Stevo Grade: B.

Finally … in the P-I-M-P slot, as Slezak and Mindy Doo both predicted, is this site’s rubber chicken.  Mr. Colton Dixon.  Covering THE Billy Joel songs of Billy Joel songs, “Piano Man”.  God I hope this is good.  This is just about where Stefano crapped out last year covering “Closer” by Ne-Yo (a defendable crap out, it was an awful performance), and Stefano is my only rubber chicken to date to not at least get a homecoming.

Here.  We.  Go.  Just to be safe, (stevo grabbing a Budweiser from the fridge).  What?  They’re from the same brewery for crying out loud!

Uum, hang on.  (stevo hitting “replay this clip” …)

Peoples and Peepettes … THAT was amazing.  And I would say that even if he wasn’t my rubber chicken in this fight.  (OK, fine, you got me – the rubber chicken reference not only refers to Zeus getting his prize possession back, but the opening scene to “PTV”, where Stewie renders bin laden incompetent by slamming a rubber chicken over his head.  That scene NEVER fails to make me cry from laughing at it.)

Everything about that performance got to me.  YES, Randy, it was “pitchy” in spots (especially in the middle).  To which I say: so what?  At least unlike last year’s champ, Colton HAS a f*cking range to work with!  God forbid someone take a risk, take a chance, like the late great Blake Lewis, my favorite contestant ever on this show.

Blaker had his pitch issues, and yet so transformed this show with his original takes on things, to the point that a year later, another guy with occasional “pitch problems” who liked to “reinvent” various “well known songs”* so “rocked” his way through the field.  That guy?  You might have heard of him.  Especially if you live in the KC Metro area.

Our own David Cook.

(*: the moment at the 1:25 mark, the sh*t eating "yeah, I NAILED this!" grin that erupts on his face, is without question my favorite "Idol" moment ever.  It's that, or this entire performance, still the best in "Idol" history.  Well, ok, fine, this one and this one ain't too shabby either.  Because in that one moment?  A kid with a dream, not just attaining a form of his dream, but attaining a PERFECT form of it?  That's why this show still sucks me in every March to May.)

I don’t ask much, but pull up this performance.  Close your eyes, to ignore the typical “Idol” cheezy staging. 

And just listen.  

Epic.  Not “Hello” epic … but damned close.

Stevo Grade: A+. 

We finally have a “wow!” moment out of this season.  And we even get the “yes, I f*cking NAILED this!” look of amazement and recognition at the 1:44 mark.

Because yes, we ARE all in the mood for a melody.  And Mr. Dixon?  You DEFINITELY got us feeling all right … for one night at least …  

my reaction to peyton signing

There’s a great scene, possibly my favorite from the entire series, in the “Election Day (Part 2)” episode of “The West Wing”.

Vice Presidential nominee Leo McGarry (D-Ill) has collapsed of a heart attack and died shortly after 8pm CT on Election Night.  And now the Santos (D-Tex*) campaign, in the fight of its life, has to figure out how to handle Leo’s death.

(*: loved, loved, loved the way the “West Wing” writers had set up the final season … right up until John Spencer died in real life.  So rather than (as planned) give the election to Senator Vinick, they had Congressman Santos win in a closer electoral vote than Bush v Gore.  (And kudos to the writing staff for figuring out a way to actually get closer than 271-267.)  I always hated how “Election Day” ended – there isn’t a shot in hell an essentially pro-choice, pro-tax-the-rich Republican from California with a history of competence and moderation would ever lose in a general election.  Especially to an inept social conservative who has proven a failure time and time again, despite his obvious moral standing.  Ask Ronald Wilson Reagan if you don’t believe me.)

Cue the advisors around nominee Santos’ room all arguing for different things.  Santos wants to go public, but not before talking to his opponent, Senator Vinick.  The chair of the DNC wants to sit on the news for as long as possible, because California was in play, and this might drive it squarely into the Vinick win column.

After a couple minutes of “damned if we do, damned if we don’t” debate, Janeane Garofolo’s character Lew (supposed to be the Paul Begala of the campaign) finally stands up and screams “People?  Please!  May I remind you how stupid this argument is considering we haven’t won the damned election yet!”

The denver broncos, my most hated professional sports team, on Tuesday made the news from Monday official, and signed free agent Peyton Manning to a 5 year deal to quarterback the team.  And the response was predictable.  “Whoa, this makes denver the favorites (to win the division)!  And this virtually makes them a lock (for the playoffs!)”

So let me respond in my best voice possible: people?  Please!  May I remind you the denver broncos haven’t won the damned division yet?  They haven’t even won a game!  There’s still (at least) 960 minutes of legitimate football to be played, (at least) 120 of which are against Your Kansas City (cue arrowhead crowd voice) CHIEFS!  The last time I checked, denver wasn’t all that good.  Had either of Succup’s blocked field goals against oakland been good, the Chiefs, not denver, would be your defending divisional champs.

Did you watch that team down the stretch?  No really – did you actually watch the denver broncos?  Yeah, tim tebow had a great playoff game.  He was ATROCIOUS in virtually every other start.  They lost 42-3 to Detroit … at home.  New England blew them out of the building.  They “qualified” for the playoffs by losing three straight, the last two to a Bills team that had lost 7 in a row entering the game, and a Chiefs team playing for nothing but pride.

Secondly … uum, who’s going to cover the opponents receiving threats?  champ bailey is my age.  Now, I will never have mr. bailey’s athletic skills (if I did, I sure as all hell wouldn’t be sitting here typing this post), but he’s 35!  You really think a 35 year old corner knocked in the head a couple times a year for two straight decades is capable of shutting down D Bowe, Mike Wallace, or Marques Colston (all of whom face denver this upcoming season)? 

Or even darrius heyward-bey for that matter, who Brandon Carr* couldn’t come within 10 feet of covering in the defeat that handed the division to oakland?

(*: the number one reason Carr is now a Cowboy, in my (rarely) humble opinion, is that bomb to open overtime.  Pioli can't get it out of his head.  In his defense?  I can't either.)

Furthermore, set aside the whole fact that it’s Peyton Manning, a Hall of Fame quarterback no doubt … and realize that rarely, if ever, does signing the best player on the market (or at least the biggest name on the market) equate to on-field results!

Sometimes, it goes perfectly according to plan, albeit with a hiccup or three along the way.  Brett Hull’s first season with the Dallas Stars saw the Stars finally break through against the Big Two of Detroit and Colorado, and win the franchise’s only Stanley Cup.  (The Stars made it back to the Finals in 2000 as well, before losing to the Devils).  Certainly Deion Sanders came through – twice, in 1994 with the 49ers, and the following season with the Cowboys.  Add in a supporting role Ray Bourque on the Avalanche in 2001, who definitely got the Avs over the pain of losing the prior two Western Finals to Dallas.

And perhaps the most direct “yup, he FLAT OUT won us a championship” acquisition of a lifetime, Jack Morris with the Twins in 1991.

Sometimes, it eventually goes according to plan, and the superstar you imported eventually has a huge role in winning a championship.  The Rangers in Mark Messier’s second season.  The Packers in Reggie White’s fourth season.  Drew Brees in season four in New Orleans.

Sometimes, that veteran acquisition gets you JUST short of your goal.  Chiefs fans know this, via (pick one) Joe Montana or Marcus Allen in 1993.  Kurt Warner in the desert in 2008.  Barry Bonds in San Francisco, “Dick” Gannon in oakland, Randall Cunningham and Brett Favre on the (when the roof is down) frozen astroturf of the Metrodome.  I don’t pretend to speak for broncos fans, because they’re as useless to me as the toe jam in my socks*.  But I’m guessing, an AFC Title Game loss this year, next at the most, sounds pretty good right now.

(*: there is one family of broncos fans I have no issues with, and welcome with open arms to any tailgate(s) that might involve their team.  You know who you are.  Also, I’d beat to a bloody pulp any idiot fan who tried to get physical with you, versus keeping it a healthy verbal spar.  And also, I’d happily trade the toe jam in my sock for just ONE SHOT at bringing Lamar’s Trophy home again in my life.  Hell, I might trade ten years off my life for that one shot.  (chuck wollery voice) Win, lose, or draw – I’d be thrilled with just ONE more shot at it.  denver fan in my Nielsen demographic, you have NO idea how lucky you are.  SIX AFC Title games since 1986*****.  Nearly all of them memorable.  And oh yeah, two Lombardi Trophies.  Again, I’d give up quite a bit to have one shot at it, let alone six.)


(*****: brain fart!  "The Drive" at Cleveland in 86, "The Fumble" in denver in 87, "The Rematch" with the Browns (3rd time in 4 years) in 1989, the "Gary Kubiak start" in Buffalo in 1991, "The Worst Day Of My Life" in 1997, the Jets pounding in 1998 ... and the one I forgot, jake "the fake" plummer's title shot in 2005.  That's, uum, seven.  Versus KC's one in Buffalo in 1993.  As I noted in the 2006 Thanksgiving Week picks column, I hate denver for a very good reason: they're usually better than the team I fork over a couple grand to every year.  Excuse me while I light myself on fire and bash my head into a glass mirror ...)

But most of the time?  This is a bad idea.  Just think back to the last few championship teams in sports.  Did trading for Randy Moss put the 2007 Patriots over the top?  (Spare me the “well, the Patriots opened 18-0” bunk.  They’d have gone 19-0 if Moss doesn’t half ass Brady’s final pass in the Super Bowl defeat.)  Did Nnamde Asomough even get the Eagles into the playoffs (nope)?   Did signing Cliff Lee make last year’s Phillies rotation unbeatable (nope)?  Did signing LeBron James and Chris Bosh (and re-signing Dwayne Wade) lead to the “3 titles” LeBron predicted it would?  (Not yet, but in the interest of fairness, I wouldn’t bet again Mr. James being proven right when his contract is up five years from now).  And who can forget such visionary and brilliant quarterback signings like Scott Mitchell (Lions; led them to three playoff berths in four years, and lost all three games once he got there), Neil O’Donnell (Jets, got his coach fired less than a year later), Elvis Grbac (0-1 in his one playoff game as a Chief; 1-1 as a Raven), Drew Bledsoe (was benched by the Cowboys after seven games), or “insert a Redskins signing here”?

The point here is not to rip the broncos for doing what every team in their position would (or should) do, and that includes the Chiefs, who incredibly (and if this isn’t the strangest draft fact currently going, I have no idea what could be) haven’t used a first round pick to draft a quarterback since 1983*.  To be fair, they have traded a first round pick twice for a quarterback, and in both cases the deal worked well until January rolled around (Joe Montana, Trent Green).  And it’s a testament to Peyton Manning (or, more likely, a damnation of his competition) that the three finalists for his services all either (a) drafted their current starting QB in the last two years, or (b) gave up a first round pick in the last two years for their starting QB.

(*: two months ago, I wanted the Chiefs to throw a ridiculous, front-loaded offer at Drew Brees.  In the words of Jack Dawson on board the HMS Titanic: “when you got nothing?  You got nothing to lose!”  In light of today’s ridiculous putdown of the Saints franchise by the most out-of-control, possibly-has-lost-it commissioner this side of David Stern.  And at least Mr. Stern has a competent assistant to take the keys away.)

This might work for denver.  If you put a cap gun to my head and made me bet a brain injury on how this will play out … I’d be on Manning having some success in denver, but failing to reach the Super Bowl.

To those in a state of panic over the developments of the last 36 hours?  People?  Please!  The denver broncos haven’t won the damned division yet!  They’ve gotta get through us (and the raiders, and the Chargers, and have fun with that first place schedule guys, I know we’ll enjoy having Buffalo instead of Miami, and Indy instead of Houston, because please, ask us Chiefs fans what having the Patriots on the schedule (as opposed to the Jets, or the Steelers as opposed to the Bengals, means to your final outcome. )

Yes, signing Peyton Manning makes the denver broncos a better football team.  But Peyton Manning is not the difference between denver raising their third Lombardi Trophy or not*.  I have my doubts he’s even the difference between them going .500 again, or taking a step forward and winning the division outright.

(*: I actually ask this in a serious tone, because I have no clue what the answer is: is patrick j bowlen capable of delivering another “this one’s for john!” exclamation of vomit-inducing glee at this point?  I hope he is.  I may hate him and his team with a passion, but no one deserves to go through what pat is dealing with.  (the lovely kellie voice) so he’s in your prayers?  (stevo response voice) hell no he’s not.)

Only five times in the last decade has a team reached a Super Bowl with someone whose rookie rights they didn’t acquire on Draft Day.  Brad Johnson and Rich Gannon in 2002.  Jake Delhomme in 2003.  Kurt Warner in 2008 (who’d not only been there twice before … uuh, how to put this delicately … his team went 9-6-1.  Even Matt Cassel has managed better than that in terms of record – TWICE! – at the Pro level.)  And Drew Brees in 2009. 

While that doesn’t bode well for the Chiefs … it also lumps the broncos in that unevienable position with us.  I just wish anyone other than horsie face himself was calling the shots out there.  john elway may be a lot of things, but he’s not stupid.  If he’s investing $100 million in manning, I’m concerned.

But he hasn’t won the damned division yet … and the polls are still open in California for another 90 minutes ...

so long. farewell. auf weidersein goodbye!

Sweet.  Epic.  Perfect.

All three adjectives are terrific descriptions for what we as a nation, we as Big XII fans, and we as Mizzou haters, witnessed yesterday.

Sweet.  Epic.  Perfect.

Norfolk State 86, Mizzou 84.

How does it taste, Tiger fan?  How does that shit taste?

Last year, the “fashionable” thing to do, if you were a Mizzou fan, was to buy VCU Final Four gear.  A really great guy in my bowling league actually wore a VCU Final Four shirt to said bowling league the Wednesday after KU crapped out to VCU, apparently because supporting your rival’s demise is a fun thing to.  (In his defense?  It is a fun thing to do.)

So how does it taste, Mizzou fan?  How does that shit taste?  You lost to Norfolk State.  Number 128 in the RPI.  A school that managed to score 36 in a 62-36 loss to Southern Illinois (number 100 in the RPI), who in case you didn’t know, finished with a losing record, just fired their coach, and the frontrunner to land their job is Bruce Weber.  Yes, THAT Bruce Weber, who took an Illini program that both Lon Kruger and Bill Self led to one seeds and deep runs in the tourney, and immediately turned it into the laughing stock of the Big Ten (plus two).  THAT’S who Southern Illinois views as their “savior”.

And even THEY beat Norfolk State by more than the 21 ½ point spread Mizzou was favored by entering yesterday’s contest.

After yesterday, Mizzou fan has forfeited in perpetuity the right to ever bring up UTEP, Belmont, Bradley, VCU, Northern Iowa.  Forfeited in perpetuity.  Why?  Because whatever “chokes” you assign to KU, NONE of them have come in the first round as a two seed.

(And as a side note, how is losing in the Elite 8 a “choke” job?  It’s only a “choke” if you’ve managed to get beyond the Elite 8.  Congratulations, Mizzou.  25 NCAA tournament appearances … ZERO Final Fours.  Always our bitch.  Always.)

The only reason I bring this up today … well that’s a lie.  I’d bring this up even if I didn’t have a reason.  This is too freaking sweet, too freaking epic, too freaking perfect, to not celebrate.  But the main reason I bring this up … is because now, its over.

Mizzou is off to the SEC, whoring itself out for a couple million more dollars in revenue rights every season, whizzing away centuries of conference ties, border wars, and meaningful rivalries in the process.  KU will remain in the Big XII, at least until their opportunity to engage in prostitution becomes a reality, and we bolt for the Big East, the Pac 12, or (if someone was really smart, they’d do this) some emerging Midwest Conglomerate that takes a couple power football schools, a couple power basketball schools, and grabs the best mid-majors in the region in either sport, and in true NASCAR fashion screams “have at it boys!” to get the thing started.

(Tell me this Power XII conference wouldn’t work: I’d have a North Division of KU, KSU, Iowa State, Creighton, Northern Iowa, and West Virginia; a South Division of OU, OSU, Wichita State, Texas Tech, Baylor, and TCU.  In football terms, you have five legit BCS bowl bid threats immediately, six if Baylor can replace RG3.  You’d also maintain the “round robin” format, because three schools don’t field D1 teams.  And spare me the “how can that ever get you BCS accredited” garbage, it works for the Big East after all.  In hoops, sweet Jesus is this conference loaded.  6 current tourney teams, with OU, OSU, Northern Iowa, and Texas Tech routinely in the field (but not this year).  And you could name the conference the “F*ck Texas Memorial” Conference, which at least ensures the current SEC and Pac 12 schools will be on board with giving it BCS accredidation.  Tell me this wouldn’t work.)

So if this is how the rivalry ends … color me pleasantly surprised, but ultimately sad.  I wish it had ended with one more epic clash, one more monumental showdown.  Instead, it ends as it usually did, with Mizzou on the losing end, in the receiving position, taking it yet again (25 times and counting!) just short of the sport’s ultimate prize.

To the surprise of no one, I can live with that.  To the surprise of possibly everyone, I’m pissed off about it.  Do the right thing, KU athletics department.  Sprint Centre, December 31^st, every year.  KU / MU.  It needs to happen.  The fact that its not going to is completely on you, KU AD.  And that’s the true tragedy out of yesterday’s developments …

a few random thoughts on this fine thursday

1. Congrats to Team Headpin!  I have one overriding philosophy in sports gambling, and yeah, it's usually proven wrong (and usually cost me money), but I believe whole-heartedly in it, and it is this:

NEVER bet against a veteran team, at home, with its season on the line.

Last night, Team Headpin, losers of 11 of their last 12 games, trailing the first place Hoxsie's by six games, needing a sweep or else to keep hope alive heading into next week's showdown with third place Team Maybe Next Week ... swept the night.  We nearly took game one scratch (we were getting 136 pins).  Game two, we whizzed away those 136 pins early, treaded water entering the eighth, and then magic struck in the ninth.

I led off with a strike (a huge rarity for me.  I can convert spares at a decent race, but my first ball usually isn't good enough to strike).  "The Ex" follows up with a strike.  "The Kid" follows that up with a strike.  Suddenly, instead of being down 50 and drawing dead entering the tenth, we're only down 20, and when the opponent's first bowler splits on her first ball ... in the words of Lloyd Christmas: "so you're saying there's a chance".

We rolled game three, to sweep all four, and pull within two with 16 to go.  Two back with sixteen to play.  Dear God, what I wouldn't give to say those EXACT six words about the Royals come mid-September.

2. Another Stevo Theory being put to the test: I firmly believe a true friend is someone who, at the end of the day, stands behind you.  But sometimes, to be a true friend?  You have to kick the ass of the person you're standing behind.  Maybe I'm wrong about that.  According to people I trust and respect, I am wrong about that.  But ... I don't think I am.

Look it, Lord knows I've f*cked up my life eight ways from Sunday.  (Cue the "no sh*t, Sherlock!" peanut gallery response).  But if you see a mistake unfolding in front of you, you're not being a true friend unless you stand your ground, right?  Or is it better to just bite your tongue, eat your opinion, and go along with the mistake?

I need a drink or two to think about this.  Because after all, if somebody's thinking ... somebody's drinking.  And I KNOW that's a Stevo Theory that is a given.

3. Hate the Chiefs signing Peyton Hillis.  Love the Chiefs signing Kevin Boss.  Both are low cost, low risk, high potential reward deals ... but I'm sorry.  Cheering for Peyton Hillis for me, is going to be the equivalent of "The Voice of Reason" having to swallow hard and "root" for "Cut" Glen Cadrez in 2002.  I HATE Mr. Hillis, as I do most former (and especially current) denver donkeys.

4. No "Smash" review this week, because that was just about the worst 43 minutes I've spent this year.  (I've spent a worse 43 minute stretch ... but not by much.)  The only two redeemable scenes were Eileen getting her buck-shooter on at the dive bar video game.  If you missed this week's episode, you're a lucky person.  If you watched this week's disaster, I feel your pain.

5. Two of my three huge first-round upsets crapped out -- Baylor held on against South Dakota State, and Wisconsin tragically won big to ensure a sh*tfest against Vandy in round two.  (Still undecided: Belmont over Georgetown).

What stuns me though ... is that somehow, all four of my Final Four picks have survived Day One!  This almost NEVER happens!  The second year I was ever in a tourney pool, I picked the 2 seed in the West, the Arizona Wildcats, to win it all.  The Wildcats went on a 25-0 run at one point in their opener ... and LOST to Steve Nash' Santa Clara whatevers on opening night.  (The lesson?  Even at the age of 16, I should have avoided gambling.)  Vanderbilt was my only Final Four team to play today, and they made it through.  Tomorrow, Mizzou / UNC / Duke get underway.  As much as it pains me to root for Mizzou (and UNC) ... as long as a potential UNC / Duke title game showdown (my prediction), or a KU / Mizzou title game showdown (everyone in KC's wet dream) remains a viable prospect, I'm rooting for those teams.  Well, at least until KU and UNC would meet in St. Louis a week from Sunday.

6. Doubt there'll be an "Idol" recap this week, although I'm glad Stevo's Site Numero Dos honorary "rubber chicken" Colton Dixon has survived to the Top Ten.  And we're REALLY glad the "judges save" is in play over the next six weeks.  I'm guessing, like Matt Giraud three years ago, Mr. Dixon might need it about three weeks from now.  Finally ...

7. One of my five favorite shows of all time is "The West Wing".  (Stunner, I know, given my love of politics, my left leaning politics, and love for quality television drama.)  My favorite episode of the series, is the season finale to season six, "2162 Votes".  The episode is basically a brokered DNC.  I hoped for one in 2008, as a supporter of Secretary of State Clinton (and voter for Senator McCain).  It appears I may get my wish this August with the Republicans.  The last brokered convention?  Occurred when I was a fetus ... in 1976 ... in Kansas City.  I love how things come full circle sometimes ...

the world's longest ncaa picks post, 2012 edition

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