my quick nba playoff picks

I know, I promised little to no blogging for the next few days ... and that is still the case.  But come on, my favorite six weeks of the year?  "40 Games in 40 Nights"?  I can't pass on that.

Just to set the scene ... my preseason predictions were:

Eastern Finals: Bulls over Knicks
Western Finals: Thunder over Grizzlies
NBA Finals: Bulls over Thunder.

I exercise my right to change my mind from four months ago ... and of the four teams you see there?  Two will be replaced.  Stay tuned.

Also to set the scene, remember -- I'm the delusional guy who picked the Mavericks to win the O'Brien Trophy in his playoff picks last year, and I'm the drunken stoner who NAILED the end of the LeBron Era in Cleveland to Boston two years ago, weeks before either happened.  I may not know a damned thing when it comes to predicting the NCAA tournament ... but I know the NBA.

Here we go.  Let's start in the West.

* (1) Spurs over (8) Jazz in 7.  Yes, I think this one is going the distance, and I actually can see Utah winning this if they win game one or two in San Antonio.  And in case you think that's crazy talk ... uum, that's exactly what happened to the Spurs in this exact spot a year ago -- upset by the 8 seeded Grizzlies.  This Jazz team?  Is better than last year's Memphis squad.  Derrick Favors, who in the interest of full disclosure, I've had a full-on mancrush on for awhile, combined with an emerging Gordon Hayward and the reliable Al Jefferson ... I just think veteran talent (and superior coaching) finds a way to get San Antonio through.

* (5) Clippers over (4) Grizzlies in 6.  I really like the Clippers draw -- they're a good matchup against Memphis, and they can overwhelm whoever wins Spurs / Jazz.  This Memphis team is damned entertaining, as is this Clippers team -- seriously, if you're just a casual fan of pro hoops, watch this series, you won't regret a minute you spend with it.  Memphis has been anointed "Team League Pass" for good reason -- they're entertaining as hell.  And the Clippers are really entertaining.  I bought full-in on Memphis pre-season.  And they can absolutely win this series.  I just don't think they will.

* (3) Lakers over (6) Nuggets in 5.  This is a horrendous draw for Denver.  Not much has changed for either team since their 2009 Western Finals showdown (that the Lakers won 4-2), except that Denver lost Chauncey Billups and Carmelo Anthony, and replaced them with some fine players, but nothing that screams "this dude can win us a series" like Chauncey or 'Melo can.  I see the Lakers taking game 4 in Denver, and closing it out at Staples in game 5.  Setting up an epic second round matchup against ...

* (2) Thunder over (7) Mavericks in 7.  The Mavs will not go quietly into that good night.  They will, in the words of Dylan Thomas, "rage against the dying of the light".  I expect the home team to win every game.  It's going to be an all-out brawl.  I wish I could be there for game 3 or 4.  The Mavs were NEVER this good when I lived in the Metroplex*.

(*: true story time!  It was early March 1997, and my buddies Gregg and Jason came down for a get-away weekend to visit me in college.  They arrived about mid-day on Thursday, and we decided to head over to Reunion Arena to catch the matchup of a lifetime: Mavs!  Clippers!  Dick Motta!  Bill Fitch!  We paid $10 for lower level seats about ten rows behind the north goal (forget who was going which direction).  The biggest waste of $10 we've ever spent in our lives.  The next night?  Arguably the best $10 any of us have spent, as we caught the midnight showing of Howard Stern's movie "Private Parts" at the AMC Grand.  Christ, I miss college.)

Western Conference Second Round:

* (5) Clippers over (1) Spurs in 6.  No matter how this ends for San Antonio ... what a run!  Even in a condensed 66 game season, do you realize the Spurs won 50 games for the THIRTEENTH consecutive season?  The last time the Spurs failed to win 50 games in a season ... was when the NBA only played 50 games, the lockout season of 1999.  And all the Spurs did that year, was win their first O'Brien Trophy.  I think the run ends here.  Chris Paul faced the Spurs once in New Orleans in the playoffs, and gave them headaches and heartburn, single-handedly forcing a seventh game when the Hornets were a seven seed.  And as much as I like David West?  He ain't Blake Griffin.  He ain't Kenyon Martin.  Love this draw for the Clips.

* (3) Lakers over (2) Thunder in 4.  Yes, I'm predicting a Lakers sweep over the Thunder.  Let that sink in. Other than The Sports Guy, and possibly any other irrational Boston fan you know, you'll never meet someone who hates the Lakers more than me.  This matchup just screams "overwhelm the competition" to me though.  Plus, let's face it -- what NBA fan DOESN'T want a "Battle for LA" for the Western Finals?  OK, fine, a lot of them don't ... but this one does.

Western Conference Finals:

* (3) Lakers over (5) Clippers in 5.  2000.  2001.  2002.  2004.  2008.  2009.  2010.  Seven Finals appearances in 12 years ... and the Spurs and Mavericks are the only other two Western Conference teams to reach in the other five years (Spurs in 2003, 2005, 2007; Mavs in 2006 and 2011).  Oh, and the Lakers are 7-0 in the Western Finals since 2000, beginning with the epic fourth quarter comeback against the Blazers that year, peaking with the epic Kings series in 2002, the "holy f*cking sh*t!" dispersal of the Spurs in 2004 ... if I pick the Lakers to reach the Western Finals?  You can bet your sweet ass I'm taking them to the Finals.

Western Conference Champions: Los Angeles Lakers.

Now for the East ...

* (1) Bulls over (8) 76ers in 5.  I think Philly gets game 3 at home.  Hell, if Indiana managed a win last year in this spot, and they were 6 games under .500 in the regular season, the Sixers can manage one.  But not any more than that.

* (4) Celtics over (5) Hawks in 4.  I know the Hawks have home-court advantage due to the quirky NBA first round rules that blow chunks.  To which I reply: Atlanta?  Home court advantage?  How do those two things go together?  I fully expect more Boston fans in the Philips Arena for games one and two than Hawks fans.  And if you don't think that can happen, flash back (Christ, I'm aging myself) 13 years to the Eastern Semis in 1999, when the 8 seeded Knicks faced the 4 seeded Hawks ... and you could hear the chants of "DE-FENSE!  DE-FENSE!" that only the Garden can provide ... in Atlanta.  (The Knicks swept that series).  Same thing happens here.

* (3) Pacers over (6) Magic in 4.  I feel awful for Stan Van Gundy.  Dwight Howard is a c*nt, and I should type that unedited to get the point across.  Anyone still buying Dwight's "I'm a good Christian" craptacular argument, after his "baby mama" (hey, wait, I thought a "devout Christian" waited until marriage?!?!) drags him onto that horrendous VH1 show, and now he's clearly a greedy bastard angling for every cent he can get as he bolts Orlando, and oh yeah, he wants the most successful coach in franchise history fired as he walks out the door.  Screw you Dwight.  I hope the Pacers win every game by 20 plus, just like the Hawks did against the Magic last year.

(ok, take a deep breath ... THE upset of the postseason about to be unveiled ...)

* (7) Knicks over (2) Heat in 6.  I am fully aware the Knicks have not won a playoff game since April 29, 2001.  (Just like every Chiefs fan knows what January 16, 1994 means.  Good God, I root for losers ...)  I am fully aware the Knicks have played exactly eight playoff games since then, two 4-0 first round sweeps (2004 to New Jersey, last year to Boston).  To which I respond: I.  Don't.  Care.

The Knicks are winning this series.

They're going to take game one tomorrow in Miami, then hold serve at home ... and sweet Jesus, what I wouldn't give to be in the Garden for game six, with the Heat's back to the wall, with LeBron in full on choke mode ... on second thought, it's probably best I'll just watch it at home, because the tears will be flowing freely throughout the fourth quarter.

Eastern Conference Second Round:

* (1) Bulls over (4) Celtics in 7.  I must have hit "delete" on that prediction 15,028,385,287,638 times in the last ten minutes.  Another "home team wins every game" showdown, just like their epic first round series three years ago.  I think Chicago survives this ... but no matter who wins, us fans are the winners here.

* (7) Knicks over (3) Pacers in 6.  As a NBA fan?  If this "Final Four" in the East occurs?  I'm drooling like a mental health patient!  Your four potential outcomes are either:

(a) Bulls / Knicks reprising why I fell in love with this League.
(b) Bulls / Pacers reprising the epic 1998 Eastern Finals.
(c) Celtics / Knicks taking that epic rivalry to never-seen-before heights, or
(d) Celtics / Pacers -- The Basketball Jesus trying to beat "His" team.

I'm telling you, I'm not certain of many things in life ... but I think the 2012 Playoffs are going to be something we'll tell our grandkids about someday.

Eastern Finals:

* (1) Bulls over (7) Knicks in 7.  I stick to my preseason prediction.  Even if it's going to result in me tossing so much crap around that multiple holes appear in the wall.  As painful as 1993 was ... as uplifting as 1994 was ... as horrific as game four in 1996 was ... this one will sting worse.  The rivalry still lives.  And it gets revived in the most epic Eastern Finals since ... uum ... it's been awhile since the East staged a great Conference Finals.  Since Philly / Milwaukee in 2001 (the last one to go seven)?  Or Indiana / Chicago three years earlier?

Eastern Conference Champions: Chicago Bulls.

NBA Finals:

* Chicago Bulls over Los Angeles Lakers in 5.  Flash back if you will to 21 years ago.  I was a wise-ass 14 year old, about to enter high school, at a basketball camp as the 1991 Finals began, and our coach was asking us who we thought would win the Finals -- the upstart Bulls ... or the established Lakers.  Me, being the cocky idiot I am today even back then, shouted "Lakers in 5!"  When asked why, I responded "Because as great as Jordan is, he ain't Magic!"

In case you forgot how the 1991 Finals played out ... the Lakers won game one in Chicago.  Then came game two, that ended the Lakers dynasty, and launched the Bulls -- singlehandedly, arguably, on Jordan's incredible reverse-hand layup to seal game two.  The Bulls swept all three at the Forum, and won the first of their three straight titles.  The Lakers as I knew them, were finished, and wouldn't reach the Finals again for a decade.

It was a changing of the guard.

Ditto 2012.  As a young, surging, upstart Bulls squad somehow, someway, repeats what we saw 21 years ago.  Picking sides in Lakers / Bulls for me, is like picking sides in a broncos / raiders game.  I just root for injuries, and barring that, a helluva game and/or series.  I picked Chicago to win the O'Brien back in December.  I'm not bailing on them now.  As painful as that is.

NBA Champions: Chicago Bulls.  Provided, of course, that Derrick Rose has learned how to hit a free throw in crunch time ...

this site's next week

Hi there everybody!

(Hi Stevo!)

Just a heads up, I don’t plan on posting much over the next few days.  I might get to an “Idol” recap tomorrow night if the NFL draft bores me even 2/1000ths as much as I expect it to, and I am tied up all weekend on a BBQ cooking team in a contest out in Independence.  (If you have nothing better to do on Saturday (cooking and fun day) or Sunday (judging day), feel free to swing by and enjoy what Russ has in the smoker and the grill.  For the record, we’re entering ribs, pork, brisket, and chicken.  It’s our first competition, so who knows what’ll happen, but if you have nothing better to do, the contest is at the Eagles Lodge, on 47^th Street just west of Sterling (basically right across the street from Royal Meadows.

Toss in the month-end closing coming the first three or four days next week, and odds are, there won’t be much posting for a week or so.  Just a heads up.  Well, unless I win the Mega Millions jackpot (currently at $88 million), then I’m quitting my job and doing what I want to do, which is write, as opposed to what I have to do to earn a living, which is reinsurance accounting at “major global insurance company”.

So, to tide you over, a couple “quick hits” on stuff I’ve read or seen lately that’s still in my head …

* The cheaters website AshleyMadison.com has reportedly offered a $1 million reward to anyone who can submit proof that they have had sex with … Tim Tebow.  Really guys?  Is this how low our society has sunk?  I mean, I freely admit, I give the terrorists a pass for hating us, because I look at our modern culture and want to hurl chunks.  Any society that glorifies teen pregnancy on an alleged music video channel has serious deficiencies.  But this is as low as it gets.  I am not a religious person.  I’ve stepped foot in a church once in three years for something other than a wedding, dedication, or funeral.  But for crying out loud, if you’re going to hate Tim Tebow, find something legitimate to hate him about.  I have far more respect for Tim Tebow than I do for anyone who would actually use AshleyMadison.com, that’s for damned sure.

* It is almost Draft Day, and here, in order, are my preferences for what the Chiefs should do at pick eleven of the first round:

1. Trade down.  I always favor this option, unless someone is guaranteed to fall to you in your slot that greatly improves your roster immediately (like in 2010 with Eric Berry).  The Chiefs did this last year (almost) brilliantly, moving down 5 spots, still getting a solid wide receiver in Jonathan Baldwin, and using the third rounder picked up for their troubles on budding star linebacker Justin Houston.  The only way this would have been better is if we’d used pick 50 in round two on Ryan Mallett, but at some point I’ll get over the fact that we whiffed on a dude I believe is going to be the best QB in the league come 2020.

2. If you’re stuck, draft Dont’a Hightower, LB, Alabama.  I think he’s the best backer in the draft, even better than Luke Kuechly, who has been linked to us at eleven for at least two months by most mock drafters.  Seems to me the last time we drafted a linebacker from Alabama in the first round, it worked out pretty well – does the name “Derrick Thomas” ring a bell?

3. If you’re convinced that Ryan Tannehill is better than any quarterback on the roster, then I’m OK with trading up to seven (with the Jags) and sacrificing a day two pick for the right to do so.  Here’s the deal with Tannehill – he has an upside few QB prospects do, in that if he sucks at QB, you can still salvage him as a wide receiver.  Remember, he was a decent wide-out his first two years at Texas A&M before being moved under center.

Personally?  I wouldn’t trade up for him, simply because the guy I’d like to see under center come 2015 isn’t in this year’s draft.  (That would be Aaron Murray of Georgia).  I’d try like hell to pull off option (1), but I’d settle for option (2).

But while I’d pass on option (3), if Miami doesn’t take Tannehill … and he falls to you at 11 (because he would, the Panthers and Bills won’t draft him in front of us), wow, that’d be an intriguing decision.  (And would make option (1) very, very viable …)

* The Royals.  Ugh.  As I type this, they lead 4-2 in the top of the 9^th, threatening to break the 12 game losing streak.  Sam Mellinger had a great post on the Star’s website today, noting that no team that has lost 12 games in a season, has ever finished at .500 or better.  (The best a team finished was 78-84.)  Memo to Ned Yost: if you can’t get this team into contention come early August?  I’d contact a realtor.  Twelve losses in a row with this much talent is unforgivable.  Not finishing within 2-3 games of .500 this year is fireable.

* Took “My Special Little Guy” to the new Sea Land aquarium at Crown Center this morning.  It’s pricey (although a little cheaper if you pre-order online like I did) … but it’s worth every cent.  It’s phenomenal.  Plus, afterwards, you can head over to the Crayola Café and get the Grown-Up Mac and Cheese that is to die for.  Which reminds me …

* Man do I miss working downtown.  Ayden was absolutely fascinated by Crown Center.  He even dug the parking garage, calling it “cool!”  In his defense, it is a cool parking garage – it actually has some personality to it.  (Plus, trying to park in that garage is damned near impossible – the spots were designed with small early 1980s compacts in mind.)  The ride down the escalator to the front entrance, then walking out and seeing the shooting fountains, the blue waterfalls on either side, it’s neat.  We live in one HELLUVA city.  When in a fifty block drive, you can go from P&L, to Crown Center, to the Plaza, to Brookside, then Waldo?  HELLUVA city!  Speaking of which …

* If you ever want a breath-taking view of how sweet Kansas City is, come into downtown driving up the Watkins Freeway on a sunny day in the spring, as the bushes and flowers and trees are budding, and about the Paseo or 22^nd Street exits, just look straight ahead.  It’s postcard perfect.  God bless it, I hate working in suburbia.  I look out my window, and I see a freeway, an ugly hotel, and a Hooters.  My old office downtown?  I looked south, and saw the H&R Block building, and on a clear day, could see past Crown Center, past midtown, all the way to the Plaza.  To the east?  Power and Light, and on a clear day, the Sports Complex.  If I ever look for another job, “downtown location” definitely is on the list of desirable qualities.

* Oh, and Legoland opens next door to Sea Land this weekend.  When you leave Sea Land, you have to walk through the last couple rooms of what Legoland is going to be.  As someone who loved Lego’s, and whose “Special Little Guy” is now playing with the (damn, this is scary) SIX dresser drawers filled to the top of my old Lego’s my mom never pitched, I definitely have to take a tour at some point.  (And have another plate of Grown-Up Mac and Cheese afterwards.)

* Also, if you go to Sea Land, when you start the visit, they make you pose for a group photo, like the annoying folks at Worlds of Fun do.  A hint to the wise – wear a green shirt.  They stand you in front of a green board, and snap the pic.  Green on green = the CGI’d background replacing your shirt.  The photo is hilarious – there’s A-Man cheezily smiling, and there’s my head, my pants … and the CGI background where my shirt should be.

* Finally, it wouldn’t be a week without a “Smash” thought or two, and this week’s thought is this: the original production number this week, “Second Hand White Baby Grand”, just struck a nerve with me, in a good way.  “Let Me Be Your Star” is probably not going to be topped … but “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” is good, “Let’s Be Bad” is really good, and “Second Hand” is epically good.  This one got to me emotionally, actually.  Probably because I get the message far better than I should. 

(stevo taking a deep breath …)

“Something second hand and broken / Still can make a pretty sound …” 

Here’s why that lyric, the lead line of the chorus, hits me so powerfully.  So many of you who read this have never given up on me, no matter how many reasons I’ve given you to do so.  And I appreciate it.  At this time of the year far more than any other. 

This upcoming weekend is the ten year anniversary of the lowest moment in my life* … and somehow, everyone who was there to help me pick up the pieces, is still there.  Along with a few other good ones picked up in the decade since.  For that, I am beyond humbled, and extremely grateful.  (stevo tearing up a little bit …)

(*: I actually got a couple positive responses to “The Decade That Was: 2006” post from Sunday.  (Seriously, I love the email feedback, it’s cool … but post some comments if you like it!  It’s ok to share with the world that my rambling style of blogging isn’t THAT epically bad …) 

2006 was easy to post – the only “negative” was losing a job I passionately hated.  2002?  Will not be as easy to write … or post.  Ditto 2004.  I’m thinking 2008 will be the next one, because that year I witnessed some crazy sh*t go down – for example, the night of my 31^st birthday, I was staying in Des Moines the night of President Obama’s shocking Iowa caucus upset of Senator Clinton that revolutioned (for the worse, in my opinion) the modern Democratic Party.  Throw in a forcible eviction of a roommate, a KC native winning an “American Idol” season that included the (infamous in my inner circle of friends) Neil Diamond Night, a KU national championship, the introduction of “The Ex” and “Boasheao” into my life, not even three days after (arguably) the single most satisfying Chiefs victory of the decade (here’s a hint – we won 2 games in 2008, and I’m not talking about the win in oakland), and it’ll be another fun post to compose.)

Anyways, I’m done rambling.  Here’s the clip embedded below, the closing scene from Monday’s “Smash”, from Hulu.  I fear “Same Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg might gain a rival as “Stevo’s Most Depressing Song He’s Ever Heard”.  Give it a listen, and give “Smash” a chance to be your star – still three original episodes to go, a second season coming next fall, and you can catch up online at Hulu for the low, low cost of $0.00 (if you opt for the free week trial – the most recent five episodes are free regardless of signup for Hulu Plus).

the decade that was: 2006

I promised about a month ago I had a “look back” at the decade that was coming … but rather than post the next great American novel, I thought I’d post it piece by piece when I felt like it.

Here then, is my look back (as best I recall it) at the best year of my life so far, the year AD 2006.  Enjoy!

---------------------------

“I’ll spread my wings, and I’ll learn how to fly!

I’ll do what it takes, until I touch the sky!

And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change,

And breakaway …

Out of the darkness, and into the sun,

But I won’t forget all the ones that I love.

I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change,

And breakaway …”

-- Kelly Clarkson, “Breakaway”.

Technically, that song was released as a single in 2005 … but according to Billboard, it was still charting in early 2006, so I’m taking it as the song that defines 2006 for me.  Other than (possibly) 1995 and (somewhat) 1999, no year of my life has seen more upheaval, change, and both good and bad unexpected developments than 2006.

When 2006 began, I had a relatively comfortable existence.  I worked as a compliance officer for “former employer”, I was earning more than I had ever made in my life, I had a decent social life, and Gregg and I were officially reaching that scary Chandler and Joey “wait, you’ve been roommates for HOW LONG?!?!” status.  By the time 2006 was over, I had been laid off, found a new job, the roommate was engaged, I was looking for a place to live … and I couldn’t have been happier, if that makes sense.

* 2006 began … unsurprisingly, on New Year’s Day, which was spent at Arrowhead, as the Chiefs won their tenth game of the season, routing the AFC North champion Bengals.  Unfortunately, ten wins wasn’t enough, because the Steelers won their eleventh game of the season, to earn the last wildcard slot in the AFC playoff field.  Coach Vermeil retired for the third and (presumably) final time after the game.  Even better?  A coach I will go to my grave arguing never got a fair shot in Kansas City, Herm Edwards, was hired as Dick Vermeil’s replacement.  To say 2006 started off “muy bueno” for me, is an understatement.

* Flash forward a week, to a random Friday night in the middle of January.  It was cold, it had been snowing, and (shocker) I’d spent that night actually winning at Ameristar with some co-workers.  (I hit five aces at pai gow that night.  Five aces pays at 250:1.  Score!)  I pull into the garage, happy to have survived getting home without wrecking the car in the driving snow or (worse yet) getting popped for a DUI, and when I start walking towards the door to enter the house, notice that the ceiling over Gregg’s car looks awfully low.  Keep in mind, I have been drinking, so I honestly thought “Stevo, you’re just seeing things here”.  I head upstairs, and Gregg is still up, so I say something like “I think the ceiling in the garage is f*cked up”.  Gregg heads down, and confirms my findings.  The ceiling over where his car parked is bow shaped, bubble shaped, straight downward.  Neither one of us has a clue what to do, so Gregg calls his dad, who notes “well, its probably water buildup.  You’ll need to pop the bubble and see if it’s the pipe or something else”. 

Hey now!  Gregg and I don’t agree on a lot in life, but anytime you can destroy something just because?  You have to do it.  So Gregg goes to poke a hole in this thing, and in a rare moment of sanity, I note “uum, shouldn’t you probably move your car first?”*  I honestly had no clue what was going to come tumbling out of the ceiling, but I figured he probably didn’t want his car hood getting destroyed by it.

(*: about a month later, we had to replace the garage door opener on his side of the garage.  It took us four days.  Yes, FOUR DAYS to install a garage door opener.  This in addition to the fact that after Gregg and our buddy Tim attempted to “rig” the lighting in the hot tub room on the deck, the lighting was permanently screwed – if you put a bulb in all three outlets, none of them worked.  Two bulbs in, worked at half power for each.  One bulb in?  Bright as the noontime sun.  I mention this, so that when the rest of this repair job unfolds, you’ll realize that you don’t want me and Gregg and Tim, all three of us combined, trying to “fix anything” in your house anytime soon.)

So G backs the car out of the garage (into the snow, which actually, in a second, will sound like the sane, rational decision I thought it would be), pulls out the step ladder, steps up, and (I believe it was with a crowbar), pokes a hole in the gigantic bubble that’s getting bigger by the minute.  SMASH!  CRASH!  BOOM!  Within two seconds of poking a hole in that thing, the entire right side of the garage ceiling has collapsed, along with massive amounts of water pouring out of where the ceiling used to be.  Uum, again, I’m not smarter than the average bear, but this isn’t good – I can literally see into my bathroom, that’s how extensive the rot and water damage is.  And my bathroom is a floor above where we are standing.  That is NOT bueno.

The solution?  Of course!  From the kids who never properly built the Sauder entertainment center, screwed up the lower deck wiring, actually said “f*ck this, just run wires everywhere, who cares if they’re exposed!” to setting up the DirecTV system* … comes out biggest stroke of genius yet: oh hell yes, we’re going to gut my bathroom, replace the floor, the tub, the pipes, and when it’s all done, we’ll fix the garage ceiling too!  (Yes, alcohol was involved.)

(*: this might be the funniest day of my life, when Gregg, Tim and I were trying to get the DirecTV dish to work, in addition to putting the entertainment center together.  It was 105 degrees, for some reason our a/c wasn’t working, the direction to assemble the entertainment center made zero sense, and we’re ultimately reduced to screaming at each other out the door “no signal!  No, wait, 38%!  Turn it … no the other way f*ckhead!  The OTHER way!”  And of all people, it was the one who was semi-competent (that would be Tim) who was so exhausted by the time we got a freaking signal, that rather than bury the wires, or at least try to conceal them, he came up with the brilliant “just run it down the hallway, who gives a sh*t!” idea that made the upper hallway a model in white trashiness for five years.  God I miss that house … but I do not miss our neighbor across the street.  Make that neighbors – both Taylor “and his awesome hands”, and the fat guy who always mowed his lawn with his shirt off, even if it was 50 degrees outside.  Promise me readers – if I ever approach 400 pounds, and take my shirt off, that you’ll just shoot me, please.)

The first step to this … was that we had to remove the tub / shower from my bathroom (since the pipe and plumbing issue was due to the shower).  The problem is, where do you put a gigantic tub for a couple weeks while you’re drying out the old rotted flooring, and replacing it with new, unrotted flooring?  The answer?  Of course!  You set said tub in your main room as a piece of furniture!  So yes, for three weeks, we had a gigantic bathtub basin sitting next to the small couch in the main room.  All we needed was some halfwitted kid eating grass to officially qualify as white trash.

By mid-February, we had basically completed the renovation, and my bathroom was even better than it used to be … only with one unexpected change – we’d accidentally covered the air vent.  So if you really had to, uuh, take care of business in there?  That’s why there were multiple candles and air fresheners for the rest of the time I lived there.  But – but! – we successfully overhauled a full bathroom replacement, and fixed the garage ceiling to boot!

I mention this story, because (a) it pretty much was the dominant thing in my life for the first month of 2006, and (b) if you think that story is ridiculous, in terms of “how incompetent of a home improvement person are you”?  Just wait until we get to May … and yes, May (stretching into June) is funnier and more pathetic …

* While all this ridiculousness with the bathroom was going down, I wound up going to Tampa for a week for work.  Because anytime you can leave KCI when its 28 and snowing, and land in Tampa when its 80 and sunny, you HAVE to do it.  I also mention this trip, because for the first time, it was obvious change was coming.  Big time, massive, “no doubt about it” change. 

I flew to Tampa both for my annual review (which went well enough) … and because of a complaint that was currently sitting on my desk.  A lady had purchased a VUL policy* from us a few years ago, and was now saying that she had no idea what she had purchased, that the agent had lied to her regarding what the product was, and she wanted a refund of everything she’d put into the policy (as well as cancel the policy). 

(*: VUL = variable universal life.  Basically, the premiums you pay into the policy get dumped into investments, which in this lady’s case, meant the stock market, which was starting to tank, costing her a large cash value loss.  Hence her complaint to the Arizona DOI that was sitting on my desk.)

I argued the lady was full of it – if you’re competent enough to realize you’re hemorrhaging money now, you’re probably aware of what you were investing in three years ago.  My boss felt the complete opposite, that somehow our agent had misinformed her regarding what she was purchasing.  After a couple weeks of research and interviews and investigation, I felt my stance was completely correct.  My boss felt her stance was correct.  And, well, when its someone who’s been in the job for four months facing off against someone as established in the industry as my boss was?  You lose every time.  A couple weeks later, when the first round of layoffs came to “former employer”, I was part of said layoffs.  I can’t say I was surprised.  And to my boss’ credit, she could have tried to screw me out of my annual bonus (which hadn’t been paid out yet) but she didn’t, and I got a very fair severance package as well.  Of course, every employee at “former employer” was dealing with the same situation less than a year later, but yeah, I was in the first wave to hit the pavement.

On St. Patrick’s Day to boot.

* And what a monumental day of “change” St. Paddy’s Day 2006 would prove to be.  St. Patrick’s Day was on a Friday in 2006, and wouldn’t you know it, KU played the late game, an opening round contest against Bradley.  They lost, marking the second straight year KU crapped out on day one of its tourney run, and no doubt leading many Mizzou fans to buy Bradley t-shirts.  (Lest you think Bradley was a fluke, they weren’t – I argued on Selection Sunday KU was in serious trouble, and Bradley actually reached the Sweet Sixteen (as a 13 seed) before losing down the stretch to Memphis.  That was a damned good Bradley team, in a year the Valley sent 4 teams to the tourney, and one of the ones excluded (Missouri State) remains the highest RPI team to never reach the field as an at-large to this day (they were 16 in the RPI.  Why did they miss the field?  Only God knows.  Because the committee has no rational reason for excluding them.)

So I spend my Friday “celebrating” being unemployed, “celebrating” KU losing, “celebrating” the holiday, by doing what I do best (drinking) … meanwhile, the roommate is up in Topeka at a wedding for (I believe) our buddy Brent’s cousin … and, well, I said St. Patrick’s Day 2006 was the biggest game changer day of my life.  I’d say, between losing your job, and the roommate meeting the future Mrs. Roommate, yeah, that’s some hope and change of a day that President Obama can only dream of accomplishing.

That night, at the reception, Gregg met Ashley.  Five months later, they were engaged.  A little over a year later, they were married.  And now, they have kid number two on the way.  I’d say that turned out pretty good.

* So, take it from me: if you ever find yourself unemployed?  The PERFECT time to be unemployed, is in the spring and early summer.

The weather is perfect, and it’s a perfect time to take vacations, weekend getaways, and other assorted fun things.  It also means you are available for “various projects”, the first of which was repainting my folks back deck.

My dad had just retired from the post office, and had knee replacement surgery, and my mom was counting down the days to her retirement after thirty plus years of teaching.  Essentially, the deck repainting fell on me.  And (go figure), what should have been a 2-3 day project, was well into week three when the next story went down.  (Yes, alcohol was involved … along with “Maury”.  Why my dad and I should never have nothing to do: dad would watch “Springer”, I’d watch “Maury”, and we’d wind up spending three hours debating which trashy talker was better that day, rather than do what we were supposed to be doing, painting the deck.  Uum, yes, alcohol was involved.)

So, its now mid-May, and I’m at home that afternoon (I believe it was a Wednesday, but might have been Thursday), and as I’m sitting watching TV, I get a phone call from my dad, that basically goes like this:

(stevo) hello.

(dad) what are you doing.

(stevo) watching TV, nothing special.

(dad) can you come over here for a minute?

(stevo) sure.  Anything wrong?

(dad) uuh … no.  But I need your help.

(stevo) ok, I’m on my way.

(dad) oh, and when you come?  Pull up in the back yard.

(stevo) what?

(dad) you’ll understand when you get here.

I lived about 10 minutes from my folks in 2006, 7 minutes if you hit the stoplights on Shawnee Mission Parkway and Midland right.  So I hop in the Blazer, drive over there, pull up in the backyard … and see there’s a ladder down on the ground, and dad’s laying next to said ladder.  Yeah, panic ensues.

Turns out, dad had tried to work on the deck (since we were way behind schedule), and … well, apparently standing on a ladder barely six weeks after knee replacement surgery isn’t a good idea, because he went tumbling down.  So I had to take him to the ER to have him checked out, which led to this conversation:

(stevo) we have to call her.

(dad) no.

(stevo) dad, she’s gonna figure out something’s wrong if you’re not home in an hour.

(dad) let’s hope I’m out of here by then.

Mom had expressly said “no!” to dad doing any work on the deck by himself.  Well, an hour comes and goes, and it’s pushing 3:30, and someone has to tell her why dad isn’t home (even though his car is, we’d driven mine to the hospital) when she leaves work in a little bit.

So I call mom’s school, and the receptionist says she’ll give mom the message to call me.  As best I remember that phone call …

(stevo) hello.

(mom) what’s wrong?

(stevo) well, I want to stress, I had nothing to do with -- (cut off)

(mom) he got on the freaking ladder, didn’t he?  I knew it!  I knew it!  Where is he?

(stevo) in the ER waiting room at Overland Park.

(mom) (angry silence)

(mom) I’m on my way. 

Which led to this quick conversation …

(dad) did you talk to her?

(stevo) yeah, she’s on her way.  (pause)  Uum, so you’re ok for the next five minutes?

(dad) yeah, why?

(stevo) I’m out of here.  The woman hates me enough for the sh*t I do, I don’t need this on me to boot …

Yes, I was suffiently scared enough of my mom to bolt the ER before she got there, even though nothing that had happened was my fault.  I got a call later that night from my dad in which (I think he was joking) I was informed that I was out of the will.

Oh, and the deck?  Didn’t get done until after the roadie that’s up next on the recap of 2006.  Yes, it took 6 effing weeks to stain a deck.  And that STILL isn’t the most ridiculous home improvement project of 2006.  Trust me, when we get to it in a couple pages or so, you’ll be laughing your asses off …

* So the end of May arrives, and I’m sitting on the couch on a Tuesday, watching TV, checking email, doing whatever, and I get an email from Dusty, saying “we’re still on for Indy, right?”  DJ and I had discussed taking a roadie to Indy for the 500 at Opening Day, but I laughed it off to us being buzzed.  I mean, Dusty, God love him, is NOT a race fan (according to him).  Again, he is NOT a fan of cars going around a track in an oval (according to him).  Even though he’ll be at his second straight day of racing today, he’s NOT a race fan (according to him). 

A road trip, to my favorite sporting venue, for my favorite race, with one of my best friends in life?  Yes, please!  So we load up the Blazer on Saturday, and take off for Indy.  Turns out DJ has a family friend who lives two blocks from the Speedway, on Auburn just north of 21^st.  We pull in about 5pm, too late to hit the track for the day, but just in time to start the fun.

We head over to their friend’s house (Dave and Kathy, who live just south of Crawfordsville), and proceed to show these people how to party it up right – we get the washers game going, convince Dave to get the grill fired up, we’re having a freaking blast.  And then, as best I remember it, this conversation happened:

(stevo) (looks at cooler)

(stevo) SH*T! 

(dusty) what?

(stevo) I left the Seagrams in the other cooler!  (I was on a VO and water kick at that time.)

(dusty) no big deal, we’ll walk back and get it.

(stevo) oh, ok.  good idea.

Yes, alcohol was involved.  So, we head back to Peggy’s (the lady we were staying with) to get my VO, and go figure, we wind up getting something else out of the Blazer that Dusty had forgotten to bring.  I am going somewhere with this, I swear.

So we start walking back to Dave and Kathy’s, and notice that the scene on Crawfordsville is rapidly deteriorating into something you’d see on Bourbon Street on Fat Tuesday – girls flashing, drunk college kids encouraging said flashing via tossing beads at them, good times!  When we got back to Dave and Kathy’s, Dusty is like “grab a chair”.  So we grab a couple tailgating chairs, walk the block or so back to Crawfordsville, and literally set up shop on the side of the road.

If you ever wonder why the night before the Indy 500 is something everyone should experience at least once in their life?  This is why.  Both of us had “open containers”.   Both of us were smoking something that is illegal save for medicinal purposes in all 50 states and the District.  Cops walking right past us, and let’s be honest – said medicinally legal herbal product has an undeniable smell.  And the cops walked right past us, enjoying the scene for what it was, just like we were.  God, I so want to relive that roadie at least one more time in my life.

Sunday, race day.  I’m wide awake at 5:30ish (even though we’d crashed at about 2am).  I quickly shower and head out to go buy the Indy Star program (if you’ve been to Indy, you’ll understand why) and a t-shirt … and then, at exactly 6am … BOOM!  BOOM!  BOOM!

The cannon goes off, to signify that the greatest day in motorsports is officially underway, and open for business.  And what a day it was – it was 80 degrees (in late May) at 6am, with an expected high in the upper 90s.  The 500 is a total crapshoot when it comes to weather – some years (like 2005 and 2006), its perfect.  Others (like 2007), it’s 50 and raining.  Happily, 2006 was perfect.

I eventually wander back to Peggy’s, where the folks staying there are beginning to wake up … and we enjoyed a breakfast of biscuits and gravy, sausage, bacon, eggs … and Bud Light.  Yes, I hate Bud Light with a passion … but it goes shocking well with a loaded breakfast.

Finally we head for the Speedway, and … well, I tried to prep Dusty for what to expect, but even then, he had no idea what was coming.  I think he kind of grasped he was in for a "wow, did I live through this?!?!" kind of day, but still.  The conversation as we entered in turn one as best I remember it:

(dj) look at that!

(stevo) what?

(dj) that!

(dj) (points to college kids, about ten guys, literally wheeling in a dolley stacked with cases of beer)

(stevo) (beaming with pride at said college kids)

(stevo) welcome to Indy, champ!

DJ went off to experience the Speedway on race day -- walked the infield, took in the sights at various locations, even tried to tour the Museum.  Me?  I’ve been there, done that – I settled into our seats in turn two (southeast vista) for the race of a lifetime.  In the last five laps, you had three lead changes, two resulting in a cursed Andretti taking the lead … and resulted in the closest finish in Indy 500 history, as Sam Hornish passed Marco Andretti in the final 100 feet to eke out the win.  I was on the phone with our buddy Brett for the final couple laps (the biggest racing fan I know), and all of us afterwards were in utter shock at what we’d just seen.  Greatest finish ever … save for maybe when Kasey Kahne somehow edged out Greg Biffle at Kansas eight months earlier, a race all of us were there for, and led to me melting down in tears as the 6 Ragu pasta sauce car was declared the winner.

After the race?  More partying, more (DJ kicking my ass playing) washers, and yes, Kasey Kahne won the Coke 600 that night, edging out Jimmy Johnson.  Party on!

* Once the Indy roadie was over, it was back to real life, which for me at that point, consisted of doing various projects for friends and family, working on the tan every afternoon, and … well, that was about it.  Which led to the project of a lifetime.

I hang out every chance I get in the summer at “the pool”, at Russ and Mona’s.  Spring of 2006, it was time to replace the pool liner*, and we figured that surely, between the three of us, we could install a pool liner.

(*: the pool liner about to be explained below, is likely getting replaced in a week or so.  At least we know what we’re doing now.  Allegedly.)

The deck also needed to be stained, so I agreed to work on staining the deck during the day, and we’d get the liner installed when it arrived.  Knock out two birds with one stone, so to speak.

I had the deck done pretty quick, but the pool liner, that’s a different story.  It arrived almost at the same time I finished the deck (perfect timing), and so one Tuesday night (during the NBA Finals, which involved Dallas that year), we set out to install said pool liner.

After a couple hours, we couldn’t figure out what we were doing wrong.  It’s a pool liner!  How hard can it be to install?  By the time we reached the “f*ck it, we’re done” moment for the night, we’d gotten three corners installed, but couldn’t get the thing to stretch to fit a fourth corner.

(Yes, THIS is the story I’ve been hyping for (looking at the page counter …) 11 pages and counting!  Good Lord, I’ve just hit June, and we’re on page 11!  Better start speeding this up …)

So after three or four tries to get this liner to fit, and we tried everything – we hosed it down, we bought additional liner support to “stretch” it out, this bad boy just isn’t gonna fit.  Couple that with the fact that it’s mid June, the pool still is out of service, and it’s frustration time.

So Russ and I hop in the car, and head back to Swim Things to figure out if we mismeasured it, or at least figure out why it won’t fit.  We get to the counter, and this is the conversation as best I remember it:

(russ) (dumps liner on counter) it won’t fit!

(pool guy) what kind of pool do you have?

(russ) (explains its an above ground, rectangular pool)

(pool guy) rectangular?

(russ) yeah, why?

(pool guy) this is an oval liner!

Yes, we’d spent a week trying to get an oval liner to fit in a rectangular pool.  The pool guy gave us the correct liner, we went back to the pool, and within ten minutes, had the thing installed and filling up with water.

The lesson?  You NEVER want me helping on a home improvement project.

* After the pool liner fiasco, it was time to get serious about finding a job … which amazingly enough, I did, with little search or effort.  I saw an ad for a reinsurance accountant in the paper in mid-June … interviewed at the end of June … and by the time I got home from said interview, there was a voicemail asking if I could take a drug test the next day.  Figuring that was a positive sign, I then remember “oh sh*t, we just went to the Dave Matthews concert two weeks ago”.  (Went with Dusty and LP, Ben (aka “Deadbeat Ex Roommate”) and Lara, and I went with a chick named Stephanie who … well, we just didn’t hit it off, at all.  Still, anytime you can spend a night with good friends and DMB (and good stuff to enjoy while with said friends and DMB)?  It’s a good night!)  Thankfully, I passed the test, and started with the company I currently work for on July 10^th, which came a week after …

* Race Weekend 2006!  Saturday might have been the funnest race day I’ve ever had – it was just me and Brett at the truck race*.  It was hot as hell, not a cloud in the sky, and I think we easily polished off a handle of vodka before the race (to say nothing of what we had during said race).

(*: true story: for the first two, three years I knew Brett (met him at work), his wife thought “Steve” was an imaginary person he had invented for those times he needed a break from her.  No, that is not a joke -- she thought me, Stevo, was so unbelievably, uum, unbelievable, that she doubted I existed.  I finally met Shannon late in 2005, when Brett and I were supposed to go to a race at Adrian Speedway (but was rained out).  After we hit up a bar with his dad and brother, we headed back to his place to "prove to my wife you actually exist”.  Yes, yes I do.  Yes, yes I drink every bit as much as has been described to you.  And yes, yes I would love to take in a race with you sometime, chica.)

That Saturday night, after the race, was the annual “Gregg and Steve Blow Up the Backyard BBQ Bonanza” celebration we threw every year.  Every year we were on 53^rd Terrace, we threw a massive party on the Saturday night before the IndyCar race, bought a few kegs, grilled out some good food, blew up fireworks, etcetera.  This one?  Was the last one … and the most ridiculous of them all.

It’s pushing 8:30pm.  I’m up on the deck*, watching the NASCAR race with our neighbor Chris and a couple other people, when all of a sudden, in the backyard behind us, I hear Gregg screaming “get a hose!   Get the f*cking hose!”  I turn around … and oh yeah, the backyard is ON FIRE!  A fireworks fight gone bad.

By the time we get the fire put out, the entire upper half of the backyard is black, as well as areas behind our fence.  But at least the crisis was averted.

(*: the most ridiculous fight in recorded human history occurred while the fire was being put out, as Ashley started screaming at me and Chris for, uuh, “smoking” on the back deck while watching the race because “there’s a pregnant girl here!”, while she was smoking a cigarette in front of said pregnant girl.  Really chica?  Weed is worse than tobacco for the fetus to be around?  Come on.  (I’m guessing it was her "happy" time of the month.  Either that, or she really hated Chris.  Come to think of it, I’m guessing it’s the latter …)

By the time the “Bonanza” winds down come 2, 2:15am, there’s still about 10 of us there.  Me, Gregg, Ash.  Our neighbors Chris and Heather.  Ash’s brother Eric and Heather, and a couple other people I forget, but I’m sure crashed somewhere in the house for the night.  I finally have reached my breaking point – after all, I have friends arriving at 7am to head out for the race that morning.  So I head for my bedroom …

And in the greatest possible “yup, he’s drunk” moment of my life, fail to make my bed.  Somehow, I grabbed a pillow, and laid down next to my bed to pass out.  (Also amazingly?  I somehow set my alarm to go off at 6:30.  I have no idea how I managed to successfully set an alarm, yet failed to hop into bed.  Yes, alcohol was involved.)  Anyways, the alarm goes off at 6:30 … and I realize three things:

(a) I’m sleeping on the floor.

(b) I’m still completely intoxicated.  And …

(c) both Priest and Phogger have laid down next to me for the night, as if I was in my bed.

Believe it or not … that isn’t even the worst “yup, he’s hammered” moment of the day.

So I manage to stumble out to the kitchen, feed Priest and Phogger, toss them into the front yard to do their business, and our neighbor Gary (huge racing fan as well) is getting his group organized for the day.  He comes over, asks what happened to our back yards (fire!!!), and laughs it off, and we make plans to meet up for some tailgating in a little bit at the Speedway. 

I then take a look around, realize I need to get going (friends arriving in 15 minutes), so I head back inside, load up some booze, grab what’s left of the kegs, and begin to walk downstairs to throw them in the back of the Blazer*.

(*: to this day, "Mrs. Voice of Reason" claims I took her bottle of Bacardi with me, or that I polished it off the night before.  This is an abject falsehood.  How many times have you seen me drink rum?  (Answer: next to never.)  If it had been Polar Ice or Smirnoff?  A legitimate claim.  But Bacardi?  Really?  If I'm going to hijack rum, it's gonna have the word "Captain" in it ...)

Only … the Blazer isn’t in the garage.  Uum, what?  How the hell do you lose your car?  Turns out, for some reason I parked it next door in Chris’ driveway.  Anyways, I manage to somehow back it out, park it in our driveway, start loading the thing, and as my friends arrive … my phone is going crazy.  Turns out one of Ashley’s friends and I had been in some kind of serious conversation the night before (note: I don’t remember a damned thing, again, I slept on the floor for crying out loud), and somehow that led to her “forwarding” all of her calls to my phone.  It was her parents wondering where the hell she was.

And as drunk as I already was … it got worse – when Phil arrived about 7am and was beginning to throw stuff into the Blazer, I literally sat down on the street, laid back against the mailbox post … and passed out.  Yup, passed out drunk against a freaking mailbox at 7am.  THAT takes talent!

We finally get everything organized, head off to the races, have a helluva tailgate (my brother was in even worse shape than me from the night before, and I have no idea how that’s possible), and a very enjoyable day that “non-racing” fan Dusty and his dad show up to enjoy as well.  (For those keeping track at home, this marks THREE straight racing weekends DJ and I have attended a race together.  But he’s NOT a “racing fan”.  Sure …)

*I made it to the Brickyard in August, the recap of which can be read here.  More good times had in Indy.

* The other “highlight” of August … came from a random Wednesday night.  I was on the back deck watching the Royals game with our neighbor Chris, when DJ calls the house, so Gregg brings the phone out to me.  Turns out, he needed a little bit of help, and I was able to provide it, so I agreed to meet up with him at Hooters to give him some money, and in return, he had some kind of “free wings” deal we were gonna gobble down.

So we head in, and wouldn’t you know it?  It’s Trivia Night!  Pretty much every Wednesday for the next year and a half, a group of us wound up playing Team Trivia at Hooters, culminating with winning the regional title and reaching the city-wide finals. 

That occurred on Wednesday.  The very next day …

* My brother sends me an email that “I can’t make it tomorrow, you know anyone who can use my ticket?”  Drew and I both love – LOVE! – Ben Harper, and he was performing that Friday night at Starlight.  We’d had tickets for a couple months, and now, he has to back out.  Well, who better to share a Ben Harper concert with … than DJ?  After a couple emails and texts, he was in, and we headed out to enjoy the concert with my buddies Neeck and Ryan.

The day itself was perfect – pushing 100 degrees, not a cloud in the sky … and then the clouds started rolling in (and no, by “clouds rolling in”, I don’t mean the smoke on the concert floor) … and by the time Ben Harper took the stage, it was monsoon-like conditions.  Which took the concert from “really good” to “epic” – 90 minutes, in a pouring down rainstorm, with the “die hard fans” the only ones sticking around to hear it.  Other than Projekt Revolution, it’s the funnest concert I’ve ever been to in my life, and honestly … I hope there’s at least one more event like those at some point in my life that approaches how great those two nights were.

* The 2006 Chiefs season … is probably my second favorite season of my life, behind only the 1995 Chiefs.  So many highlights, and lowlights … but at the midpoint …

* It led to one of the funnest nights of my life.  Our tailgating crew has a few friends who live in Oregon, that are Chiefs fans.  And since the Seahawks were coming to Arrowhead on Halloween weekend, it only made sense for Verne and Kenny and Captain Gary to come in for the game.  Which lead to the seafood extravaganza the Friday before the game.

They’d caught all kinds of crab, shrimp, and other assorted fishies the night before flying in … and that Friday night, we cooked them all up for our enjoyment.  Now, I like seafood more than the average bear – if I could, I’d have shrimp scampi or crab cakes every night, with a chilled bottle of shiraz to go with it.  (Yes, I like my red wine chilled.  What can I say, I’m weird.  As if you hadn’t figured that out by now …)

This seafood fest?  Was SICK.  Crab cakes, crab legs, shrimp, grilled salmon, grilled trout, all caught less than 24 hours earlier.  Good stuff.

* For the raiders game that year, we had a pig roast.  Yes, a pig roast – Russ cooked a pig in a friggin hole, and we enjoyed what came out.  And man, was that good stuff too.

* For the broncos game … wow where to begin.  I’ve already covered this one elsewhere … but suffice it to say, when you have deep fried turkey, oven baked turkey, win “Tailgaters of the Game”, and toss in a marriage proposal to boot, while hosting a team you hate more than the devil in prime time?  You’ve definitely had one helluva tailgate!

* Also on Thanksgiving weekend (when the donkeys game went down), a group of us headed up to Ameristar to celebrate my brother’s birthday.  I got my ass whipped at the tables, and rather than keep hemorrhaging money, I decided to head for home.  (KU was playing Florida that night in some tourney in Las Vegas in hoops).  I pull into the garage as halftime is nearing a close, head up the steps … and hear wild scrambling down the hall, before “The Voice of Reason” and the future “Mrs. Reason” appear to watch the second half.  Apparently, I interrupted the floor of the main room getting broken in.  The lesson?  As always, my timing is god awful.

* The last day of 2006 … was spent exactly as the first day of 2006 was, at Arrowhead, watching the Chiefs win.  This time, that victory mattered, as it got the Chiefs into the playoffs (via a ton of help) for the first time in four years.

That night … was spent as so many New Year’s Eve’s in my life have been spent – on the couch, raising a bottle of champagne to “Strokey” Dick Clark, as the clock turned to midnight, and a new year begins. 

And honestly?  What better way to end the year, than raising a glass to “Strokey” Dick Clark, reflecting back on a year of change that rocked you to the core … and being thankful that you’re better off on December 31^st, than you were on January 1^st?  I wish every year could be like that.  Sadly, they aren’t.  But 2006 was definitely one of those rare times in life where when someone asks you “are you better off now than you were at this time last year?”  The answer when it comes to 2006 is not only “yes”, it’s an emphatic “hell yes!" ...

idol top seven part dos: this site's rubber chicken is back on the roof ...

FOURTEEN songs?  Are you kidding me?  As ridiculous as “Idol” can be at times, they have NEVER attempted to pack this much music into a two hour show.  So while at times last night’s “Idol” felt rushed, condensed, and frantic … it also was one helluva way to spend two hours with the most talented final seven this show has ever seen.

Dim the lights, here we … well, no, here we don’t go, because unless you’ve been living in a cave, you know that yesterday, television icon Dick Clark, affectionately known as “Strokey” Dick Clark to me, passed away at the age of 82.  While I loved the classy, fitting, appropriate opening to “Idol” paying tribute to Dick Clark, allow me to pay tribute in my own way to open this recap.

I never met Dick Clark.  I’ve met a few people in life that are famous, probably the most famous of which is (current) Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  Either it’s meeting her at the young journalists conference I went to in 1994 … or playing blackjack for a couple hours with Joey Fatone of *NSYNC.  (Definitely Mrs. Clinton).  But I wish I had met Mr. Clark, because I feel like he’s a part of my life.  And here’s why.

I rarely if ever go out on New Year’s Eve.  For a plethora of reasons, the biggest one being that it’s amateur hour out there, and as much as I enjoy a vodka tonic, it’s not worth dying over because some moron had one too many Coronas and thought he was ok to drive, but instead ends up t-boning you when he thinks red is green at the traffic signal.  My typical New Year’s Eve is: meet up with friends for dinner and drinks in the early evening, home on the couch by 10pm, and raise a bottle of champagne to “Strokey” Dick Clark come midnight, before passing out to get enough sleep to enjoy Bowl Day that kicks off at 10am the following morning.  What can I say, I’m a boring individual.

I’ve rung in the new year exactly twice in the last 20 years anywhere other than on my couch with Dick Clark on my TV – 2000, when I was so hammered I didn’t realize the chick I was dancing with in Westport was begging me for a hookup (the lesson?  As always, I’m the dumbest person in the room) … and last year, when the clock hit midnight, and I was on … Dusty and Kellie’s couch, as everyone else there made fun of me for raising my glass of champagne to Mr. Clark as the clock struck midnight.

I didn’t care that I was getting made fun of … well hell, let’s face it – I get made fun of all the time, because I’m an easy-to-make-fun-of guy.  But it didn’t bother me, because I was raising a glass to “my friend”, Dick Clark.  A man I rang every New Year’s in with for my entire life … until this year.  I have no idea how Ryan Seacrest is going to handle the show this year … but I know it just won’t be the same.

Which is why Seacrest’s tribute to Dick Clark to open “Idol” last night was so perfect.  He nailed it – it wasn’t just Ryan who lost a friend (again, in case you’ve been living in a cave, the reason Dick Clark was still on your TV screen every New Year’s Eve?  Was because Ryan Seacrest ensured it happened.  They were like father and son, and you could see how tore up Ryan was last night, although being the pro he is, he made it through the opening.)  We ALL lost “our” friend. 

Anyways, on to the performances, before I start crying.

This week’s theme is “Now and Then” – each Idol will perform a song from the 2000s, and a “soul song” from a prior decade.  As I noted earlier this week, this has sick potential.  Also important to note is that tonight is a “double elimination” – two aspiring Idols are going home.  Let’s see what went down.

This week’s mentor?  Obviously Idol wanted to cut costs, because they didn’t have one, other than Jimmy.  Which, to be fair, is still one helluva fallback option.

Hollie opens us with Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”.  It will take two minor miracles for her to still be here next week, so here’s her first attempt at one.  And sweet JESUS, I am digging this!  I’m actually tapping my foot to this.  THIS is the Hollie the judges saw up to this point!  She’s having fun, she’s adopted the “when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose” mentality she needs to have!  This is an incredible vocal!  Not a big fan of the ending … but chalk up minor miracle number one!  Very, very solid opening.

And she knows it too, the sh*t eating grin!

Steven: “you FINALLY did what all of America has been waiting for you to do!”  JLo: “that’s what we mean when we say no thinking!  You just sang that song!  You did it!”  Randy: “for the first time ever, I felt you.  You had feeling, you had emotion … you’ve arrived”.  THAT?  Is why I love this show.  We’re one performance in (out of fourteen!) … and the entire night’s script has just been turned upside down.

Job well done girl!

Next up, this site’s rubber chicken, covering … Lady GaGa?  Whoa, Colton doing “Bad Romance”?  This will be interesting, if nothing else.

Uum, what is that dead red thing on his bangs?  Fine, I’ll say it: this is TURRIBLE.  Christ, he’s in serious trouble tonight if performance two is anything like this.  This is awful.  I have absolutely no idea what he was going for with this performance – it makes no sense vocally or visually.  Thank God it’s over.

And from the look on his face when it’s done, he knows it’s awful.

Randy: “you are so in the zone right now”.  No, no he’s not.  JLo: compliments his character.  Steven: “you gotta get low to get high”.  Oy.  I do agree with Steven, that Colton is the one singer in this competition taking chances and risks.  Unfortunately, that one bombed.

Elise up next, doing “No One” by Alicia Keys.  If she pulls this off, we have a new frontrunner.  I’m just saying.  If you can nail Led Zeppelin AND Alicia Keys?  You’re a frontrunner.

And to be honest?  This is a fun performance.  It’s not great, it’s kind of safe … but it’s fun.  I wouldn’t pay $1.29 on iTunes for it … but I wouldn’t turn the channel if it came on the radio.  JLo: got her first goosies of the night.  (stevo smacking his forehead in frustration)  Steven: compares her to Janis Joplin … and actually, I can see it.  Randy: happy she stayed with the melody.  Agreed.  If this was a 3^rd down play?  That was a 9 yard completion when you need 8.  Safe, but effective.

Phil up next, covering … Usher?!?!  Doing “U Got It Bad”.  Oy.  This is NOT going to go well.

OK, look it, I like Usher.  (I actually argued two years ago Usher should be one of the new “Idol” judges, when they were shaking up the panel.)  And I love DMB – I think I’ve made every appearance of his here in KC for the last decade.  But the two?  Do.  Not.  Mix.  At.  All.

If there’s a shock elimination tonight?  Phil might be your victim.  And yes, I am fully aware I NAILED The Sanchize’s shock “elimination” last week.  That was awful.

Steven: “with you, we never know what we’re gonna get!”  He actually liked that?  I’d rather be deaf than hear that again.  JLo: “that was so sexy!”  Good f*cking God, it was anything but “sexy”.  Randy: “I’ve been doing this show for a minute” … wait, what?!?!  “This year, we have a true artist on the stage!”  Wait, WHAT?!?!  So Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood, Daughtry, Jordin Sparks, David Cook, and Adam Lambert AREN’T true artists?!?!  To say nothing of Jennifer Hudson?  Let’s just move on before I start hurling stuff at my computer screen, because I can’t afford a new laptop right now.

The Sanchize covering Alicia Keys’ “Fallin’”.  Go figure.  Another perfectly predictable and “safe” performance.  This chick annoys the shit out of me, and I’m not editing “shit”, that’s how much she annoys me.  She’s rapidly approaching Katherine McPhee territory (even if I totally dig Ms. McPhee on “Smash”).

OK, I’ll ask it – what the hell is she wearing?  What is that thing around her neck?  And why the 1980s pant suit bottom to what starts out on top as a dress?

Oh, the performance isn’t half bad.  It’s decent.  Steven: “some songs you need to get mad at”.  OK.  JLo: I have absolutely no idea what she just said, something about juggling balls.  Randy: hopes America “shows up and supports you this week!”  Oy.  I’ve heard better … but I’ve certainly heard worse.

Next up, Skylar … doing Lady GaGa?  “Born This Way”?!?!  Oh sh*t, this has potential!

OK, I’m just gonna say this, and feel free to disagree in the comments: if the final is ANYONE other than Colton and Skylar?  Then this show is a f*cking joke.  They’re the ONLY two contestants putting it all out there every week.  Scotty sang the same f*cking song for twelve straight weeks and won last year.  It was outrageous.  Skylar?  Has about the same vocal range as Scotty did (albeit an octave higher) … and is NAILING Lady GaGa! 

That was really good, and she knows it.  As do the judges.  JLo: “Oh My God!  I LOVE that version of that song!  A more perfect song for you does not exist!”  Steven: “I’m so glad you were born that way!”  Randy: you have crossover appeal.  Yes, yes she does.  "You are so beyond ready to me!”  Yes, yes she is.

Finally for the “Now” portion of the show, Josh covering Fantasia’s “I Believe”.  Hang on, let me recap this in the proper frame of mind.  (stevo cracking open the first beer of the day …)

Let me give the kid credit – he’s subdued for once.  This is a REALLY good cover.  Until he reaches the bridge.  Then he starts oversinging, as usual.  I get Josh’s appeal, and he does have a tremendous voice … but for God’s sake, not every song needs to be “taken to church”, as Randy would put it.  Sometimes, simple is good.

Not sure why the judges gave that a standing O.  Not worth it.  Randy: not a clue what he’s trying to say.  JLo: not a clue what she’s trying to say.  She’s “blessed that you’re in this competition”.  Steven: YES!  FINALLY!  Notes that “you could sing the phone book!”  HELL YES!  Randy actually had to jump in as Steven was talking to “grab” his comment back.  First time all year someone has “sung the phone book”!!!  Now we just need someone to “kill it” tonight …

On to the “Then” portion, with Hollie covering Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man”.  Minor miracle number two?

In this recapper’s ears … minor miracle number two!  If she goes home tonight, it’s an outrage … but probably based on the prior five weeks.  Because if you judge her based solely on last night?  She deserves to stay.  That was solid.

Randy: “you dug in!”  Reminds me, I need to get my dugout back.  JLo: liked it.  Steven: “I still think you can push it even more … you’ve got the voice, you’ve got the vehicle, come on!”  Agreed.  That was by far and away her best night, and I hope America keeps her another week.  I wouldn’t wager the $0.67 in my savings account on it though.

Next up, Colton doing Earth, Wind and Fire!  “September!”  Sweet!

(stevo sighing …)

I try to be fair and objective, unlike a certain “news” channel that is anything but “fair” and “balanced”.  (Seriously FOX, just embrace the right wing already.  Nobody gives a damn that you’re biased.  Just admit it).  Having said that … this is ATROCIOUS.  Colton’s going home tonight if the viewing public judges and votes based solely on last night.

Steven: rips it to shreds.  Deservedly so.  JLo: rips it to shreds.  Deservedly so.  Randy: “it wasn’t the perfect song”.  Ya think? 

Colton is in SERIOUS, SERIOUS trouble tonight.  SERIOUS trouble.  Zeus, buddy, pal, help me out here.  You think he can survive this?  (zeus looking at his rubber chicken).  (zeus not barking “yes” …)  (Scooby doo voice) whroot whroo …

Next up, Elise doing “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye.  Sweet?  Sweet!  This is really good to open with.  Love the couch on the stage too, not that its giving off any suggestions as to what this song is about (rimshot!) 

That was a perfectly decent performance.  Not great, but good.  She’s safely through to the top five.

JLo: “you always sound so good”.  Asks her to show more “emotion”, and actually, that’s a solid point – if you aren’t showing emotion on a song like “Let’s Get It On”, why cover it.  Steven: “you need to take it up a notch”.  Randy: “that song choice wasn’t really right for your voice”.  I kind of agree with it.  Although Randy thinks Al Green did this song.  God above.  Who the hell doesn’t know Marvin Gaye did this song?

Phil up next, covering Wilson Pickett’s “Wait Til the Midnight Hour”.

He’s baked off his ass.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  But seriously, Phil?  It’s called “Visine”, use some before taking the stage when your eyes look like that because of what you’ve been enjoying before the performance.

A totally forgettable mess of a performance.  If Colton hadn’t bombed so badly, Phil might be your shock eliminated contestant tonight.  Or could both be headed home?  Because Hollie certainly performed well enough to stick around another week …

Randy: enjoyed it.  “Be who you are”.  Who he is, is a freaking (steve miller band voice) joker, a smoker, a midnight toker!  JLo: says he’s spontaneous.  Steven: “brilliantly awkward”.  Actually … that’s a perfect description of the kid.  Hope he sticks around, I usually enjoy him.  Just not tonight.

Next up, the Sanchize, doing “Try a Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding.  And dear Lord, is this a mess.  Maybe it’s just me … but why do people seem to insist on OVER-singing songs?  What’s wrong with simple and subdued at times?  This is a trainwreck.  This is a six car pile-up.  It’s awful.

Steven: “I like the fact that you’re stepping out!”  What?  JLo: “we got a little bit of your alter ego”.  What?  JLo is in full on “I know that was awful, but she’s good, so let me praise her to draw her votes” mode.  “Your voice alone is not gonna do it”.  Randy: “you need to connect with the emotion of the lyric”.  No, she needs to go home, she’s not top five worthy based on the previous six weeks of performances, but that’s just me.

Skylar next, another Marvin Gaye classic, “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”.  Or is that an Al Green classic Randy?

And yikes, this is awful.  Some songs, you just can’t countrify.  This?  Is one of those songs.

The judges do not look happy.

Randy: “you let it all hang out, you have a good time, it’s a Skylar Laine party!”  JLo: likes her spunkiness.  Steven: “you’re like a wild horse who refuses to be tamed”.  This from the man who once sung “o’er the land of the free?  And the home … of the … (dramatic pause) … INDIANAPOLIS 500!!!”

That was decent, but not great, and barely good.  Still, no way she’s going home.

Finally, Josh with “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke.  And in the interest of full disclosure, I LOVE this song.  There’s a singer who shows up at BB’s every so often, Lonnie Shelton, who NAILS this song.  His cover of this is worth the price of admission.  Here we go.

(sponsor-desired shoutout voice: BB’s Lawn Side BBQ!  Arguably the best thing about living in south KC …)

That wasn’t half bad.  I don’t get Josh’s appeal … but then again, I don’t get a lot of things in life.

Steven: “you have stretched your voice to the limits of soul!”  JLo: “I still want more at the end … please America, don’t send this boy home!”  They won’t.  Randy: “Sam Cooke grew up singing quartet, most people may not know what that means …”  WHAT?  Who the f*ck doesn’t know what a “quartet” is?  Even my four year old nephew could figure out that a word that starts with “quart” probably involves “four”.

Let’s end this, I need a stiff drink, and it’s not even 10am yet.

Predicted Bottom Three: Hollie, Colton, Phil.

Going Home (based on last night, deservedly so): Colton.

Going Home (based on last night, undeservedly so): Hollie.

Personally, I'd vote off The Sanchize and Josh ... but wow, is tonight's results show gonna be a "sweat through it" result for my rubber chicken.  Right champ?  (zeus voice) bark!  bark bark bark!!!

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