Thursday, August 29, 2013

your 2013 national ... football league predictions

"Welcome back my friends,
To the show that never ends!
We're so glad you could attend --
Come inside, come inside!

There behind a glass?
Is a real blade of grass!
Be careful as you pass --
Move along, move along!

Come inside!  The show's about to start!
Guaranteed to blow your head apart!
Rest assured -- you'll get your money's worth!
(It's) the greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth!

You gotta see the show -- it's a dynamo!
You gotta see the show -- it's rock and roll!  Oh ..."


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Eight days!  Only eight days until our true national pastime returns!  Only eight days until all of America gets to laugh its collective ass off, at the Joe Flacco stadium-sized posters hanging outside fake mile high!!!  Only eight days until a rematch of one of the greatest playoff games I've ever had the privilege to watch, launches the start of a new NFL season.

And even better -- only eight days until you hear this beautiful, amazing, sexy as holy hell voice shout out "HIT IT!", and the loveliness that is Faith Hill struts out onto the stage, as Joan Jett and the Blackhawks music for "I Hate Myself for Loving You" starts up, and Ms. Hill tells us what we all are feeling, that we have been waiting all week day for Sunday night!  Football!  Woo!  I!  Am!  FIRED!  UP!!!!!

(Pause).

What?

(Pause).  No.  No.  No!  You're lying, Mr. Non-Existant Stevo's Site Numero Dos editor!  No!  There's no way Faith Hill got the boot!  Especially since seeing Faith Hill IN her "come (have your way with me)* me" boots, is the only reason to watch the damned theme song!  This ... my God.  This is a disaster.  This is an absolute national disaster.  Has anyone petitioned the White House yet to get Faith Hill her gig back?

Plus, what the hell becomes of the "Bowling Night in America" poem tradition now?  I've been cranking that bad boy out for five years every Wednesday during the season!  What becomes of that, if some low-budget, two-bit, fly-by-night no-talent hack replaces Ms. Hill?  I mean seriously -- at what point does the pure and utter undeserved bullsh*t I've had to put up with in that league the last fifteen months, actually end?  God bless it, even I have my breaking point!  And I think I've found it!  (stevo angrily tossing empty Coors Light can against the wall ... stevo angrily tossing empty Coors Light can against the wall ... yeah, I have nine more ready to chuck, but you get the point ...)

(Sighing ...) Alright, just hit me with it.  Who'd they get to replace her, Mr. Editor dude or dudette?  Miley Cyrus?  Linda Ronstadt?  What repulsive thing is going to butcher the Sunday Night theme this year?  (Pause).  Ooh.  Ooh!  Carrie Underwood?  Really?  Well that changes things.

Football is back folks!  And with the lovely Ms. Underwood at the mic, it's sexier than ever!!!  Woo!  Football!  WOO!!!!!

So let's do this.  It's time for the world's worst pigskin prognosticator** to once again step up under center, and give the gambling community what it so desperately craves -- what I think is going happen this season.  Just one of these years, I wish all the people I made rich, by telling them who I think will win (so that they can bet the family farm on them to lose), would at least send a $20 my way for my valuable services.

We'll start in the NFC, in that venerable division known as "The Norris" ...

(*: you all have NO idea how hard it was, to censor the obvious f-bomb, that deserved to be said there.  NO idea.  But I did promise my mommy to try to "class up the discourse", whatever the hell that means.  And since the fact I cannot avoid the denver broncos in this column means at least a few f-bombs in the AFC West portion alone, I have to cut back somewhere.)

(**: my Super Bowl pick in 2012?  San Diego versus Tampa Bay.  Neither team finished above .500, both fired their head coaches, and San Diego poop canned the GM to boot.  My Super Bowl pick in 2011?  Kansas City versus Green Bay.  I got one of them right, at least.  But Coach Hobo got fired the week the Chiefs were scheduled to face Green Bay, and both the man who hired him, and the man who replaced him, were gone thirteen months later.  My Super Bowl pick in 2010?  Dallas over Indianapolis.  The Cowboys missed the playoffs; the Colts wildcard round loss to the Jets, was the final game for peyton manning in a Colts uniform.  My Super Bowl pick in 2009?  Philadelphia over Baltimore.  Philly lost the NFC Title Game.  Baltimore lost in the divisional round.  And the first year I picked on this site, my 2008 prediction?  Jacksonville over Seattle.  Combined record of both teams that season?  9-23.  My God, I am AWFUL at predicting the National ... Football League.)

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NFC Norris:

1. The Schedule Run*.


2. The Final Standings.



3. The Initial Reaction.

Honestly?  This didn't surprise me.  I think any of the four teams in this division can make a legitimate, credible claim to the championship of said division.  I think Detroit has the least legitimate, credible claim, and Green Bay the most legitimate, credible claim, but I could see any of these four teams, winning the NFC's worst division.

4. The Three Biggest Games.

* Packers at Bears, Week 17.  Both teams entered this game at 8-7, in full control of their own destiny. 

* Packers at Lions, Week 13.  This projected defeat to Detroit, cost Green Bay the last wildcard slot.

* Cowboys at Bears, Week 14.  Wound up jumpstarting the Bears run to a division title, by winning their last four.  Very similar to what the Redskins did in 2007, opening 5-7 before piggybacking a primetime home win in Week 14 (ironically, over the Bears), to a 4-0 finish and a wildcard berth.

5. The Division MVP.

Jay Cutler, QB, Bears.  I personally despise the guy -- not just for the obvious donkey connections, but good God dude, your wife is Brody Jenner's sloppy seconds, for crying out loud -- but if Cutler starts at least 13 games, the Bears are reaching the playoffs.  If he starts more than 13 games, I'll take them to win the division.  

6. The Division Coach of the Year.

Marc Trestman, Bears.  Cannot put into words how much I loved this hire.  Quite honestly, I thought it was the best hire of the offseason.  The Bears went in a direction I wanted the Chiefs to go in -- hire a bright, capable offensive mind who isn't afraid to take chances, and isn't afraid to fail.  For what it's worth, I don't think Trestman will fail.  He NEVER has before.

7. The Mixology Choice** for Each Team.

* Bears: "Back In The High Life Again", originally by Steve Winwood, much better covered by the late, great Warren Zevon.

* Packers: "Beautiful Disaster" by 311.

* Vikings: "Daydream Believer" by Davy Jones.

* Lions: "Walk Away Renee" by The Left Banke.

8. The Bottom Line ... 'Cause Stone Cold Stevo Said So!

The prediction in this division I distrust the most ... is the Vikings in third.  If they can steal one of the division roadies to open the schedule (especially at Chicago week two), flip the Bears and Vikings in the standings.

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(*: all pics in this post courtesy me, via the Snag-It 10 Tool on my laptop.  I love Snag-It.)

(*: Mixology (n) -- (1) what "Big Brother 10" contestant Memphis did for a living (adj: mixologist).  (2) the art of creating libations that people not only like, they recommend.  (3) Stevo's name for the playlist he is responsible for creating, for tailgating at Chiefs games.

For the record, I'm pretty damned good at (2).  I've never had a complaint about (3), and it is my life's goal to appear on (1)'s claim to fame reality show.)

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NFC South:

1. The Schedule Run.


2. The Final Standings.


3. The Initial Reaction.

Played out exactly as I thought it would ... although I expected a more top-heavy record for the (Shane) Falco-ns, and a more loss-heavy record for the Carolina "Sex" Panthers.

4. The Three Biggest Games.

* Saints at Falcons, Week 12.  I gave Atlanta the nod due to (a) the short week (it's the Thursday nighter), (b) home field, and (c) neither team has travel issues to overcome for the short week (Falcons play at Tampa, at worst a 25 minute flight home; Saints play at home versus the 49ers).

* Saints at Panthers, Week 16.  The upset that swung the division to the Falcons, and threw the Saints into the cluster(muck) at 9-7 for the final wildcard slot.

* Seahawks at Falcons, Week 10.  A rematch of last year's classic divisional round playoff game ... and a potential preview of this year's (projected by me) epic wildcard round playoff game between these two dynamic, rising franchises that are named after "a certain species of the avian variety".  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  OF COURSE I used this to work in a gratuitous "The Bird Is The Word" Shecky Greene-esque one-liner!

5. The Division MVP.

Matt Ryan, QB, Falcons.  This guy reminds me so much of peyton manning in many regards, it's scary.

6. The Division Coach of the Year.

Sean Payton, Saints.  For anyone who says coaching doesn't matter, I give you two 2012 franchise that prove that it does: your 2012 Chiefs ... and your 2012 Saints.

7. The Mixology Choice for Each Team.

* Falcons: "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers.

* Saints: "King of Wishful Thinking" by Go West.

* Bucs: "Mixed Emotions" by the Rolling Stones.

* Panthers: "Out of Touch (Out of Time)" by Hall and Oates.

8. The Bottom Line ... 'Cause Stone Cold Stevo Said So!

Ron Rivera is gonna be one helluva defensive coordinator, at this time next year.

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NFC East:

1. The Schedule Run.


2. The Final Standings.


3. The Initial Reaction.

Seems right.  Although I could see Dallas and Washington flipping -- the Redskins comfortably one clear of the field in the wildcard chase, and the Cowboys in the cluster(duck) at 9-7 to be the last team in.

4. The Three Biggest Games.

* Cowboys at Giants, Week 12.  Kicks off a murderers row finish for the Cowboys, that effectively murdered their chances to win the NFC East.

* Packers at Giants, Week 11.  Cost Green Bay the playoffs in this simulated season.

* Giants at Bears, Week 6.  The Bears taking care of business against the G-Men, and the Packers not doing so, gave Chicago the NFC Norris.

5. The Division MVP.

Tony Romo, QB, Cowboys.  Will single handedly save Jason Garrett's job.

6. The Division Coach of the Year.

Mike Shanahan, Redskins.  Look it, I despise Shanarat ... but I have the Redskins at 9-7, in the cluster(buck) for the six seed.  The Redskins have to (a) visit Lambeau, fake mile high, the Metrodome, the Georgia Dome, AND all three divisional rivals (all tough tasks), plus host the 49ers, Chiefs, Bears, and the three divisional rivals (all tough tasks).  With a QB coming off major knee surgery.  If Shanarat gets the Redskins into the conversation for getting rolled at Atlanta or Chicago to open the postseason?  It'd be his greatest coaching accomplishment to date.

7. The Mixology Choice for Each Team.

* Giants: "Remember the Name" by Fort Minor.

* Cowboys: "Even If It Breaks Your Heart" by the Eli Young Band.

* Redskins: "Futures" by Jimmy Eat World.

* Eagles: "Fooled Around and Fell in Love" by Elvin Bishop.

8. The Bottom Line ... 'Cause Stone Cold Stevo Said So!

Tom Coughlin is, in my mind, THE most underrated head coach of all time.  He made Boston College football relevant again, to the point that the ACC recruited them.  He took the Jaguars from expansion franchise, to reaching the AFC Title Game in Year Two, to hosting the AFC Title Game in Year Four.  And he's won two of the last five Lombardi's, for the franchise Mr. Lombardi got his start with.  

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NFC West:

1. The Schedule Run.


2. The Final Standings.


3. The Initial Reaction.

Surprised at how easily the 49ers won this division.  This is mainly due to two things: (1) the Seahawks schedule.  There was never a "cream puff portion" to the schedule, and the 'Hawks never won more than two games in a row, versus (2) the 49ers schedule, which starting after a week five prime time home game against Houston (that they'll be favored in), they go vs Arizona / at Tennessee / at Jacksonville / bye / vs Carolina.  I have them winning all five, and all but cementing the division by mid November.

4. The Three Biggest Games.

* Falcons at 49ers, Week 16.  The winner of this game, got the two seed and the bye; the loser had to play the opening weekend against a very, very frisky six seed (stay tuned ...)

* Rams at Seahawks, Week 17.  Wound up determining the six seed, based on tiebreakers.  Both teams had a chance, with a win, to grab the final slot in the playoffs.

* Rams at Cardinals, Week 14.  The projected upset kept St. Louis out of the cluster(suck) at 9-7 for the six seed, and a trip to Atlanta.

5. The Division MVP.

Colin Kaepernick, QB, 49ers.  Three franchises fates this season ride on the Kapernick gamble: the 49ers (who I don't care about); the Chiefs (who I flush thousands of dollars a season down the drain, in support of) ... and team tito version 1.0 (he is my main fantasy league team's starting quarterback ... and there ain't no depth to speak of, behind him on the roster).

6. The Division Coach of the Year.

Jim Harbaugh, 49ers.  Three seasons, three division titles ... three NFC Title Game appearances?

7. The Mixology Choice for Each Team.

* 49ers: "Go All The Way" by the Raspberries.

* Seahawks: "Second Place Victory" by This Day and Age.

* Rams: "Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons.

* Cardinals: "Look Away" by Chicago.

8. The Bottom Line ... 'Cause Stone Cold Stevo Said So!

Three years ago, 6-9 Seattle hosted 7-8 St. Louis in the season finale, to determine the "winner" of the worst division in NFL history.  Three years later, this is the division most likely to have four .500 or better teams in it.  It's amazing what poop canning coaches like Mike Singletary, Jim Mora Jr. (who, in fairness, isn't a bad coach ... he just isn't his replacement), Steve Spagnoula, and Ken Whizenhunt, and importing rock solid coaches like Jim Harbaugh, Pete Carroll (who isn't as "rock solid" as you'd think), Bruce Arians, and Jeff Fisher, will do for a division's stature.

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The NFC Overall (Playoff Seed Where Applicable):

16-0: none.
15-1: none.
14-2: none.
13-3: New York Giants (1).
12-4: San Francisco 49ers (2).
11-5: none.
10-6: Atlanta Falcons (3), Dallas Cowboys (5).
9-7: Chicago Bears (4), Seattle Seahawks (6), New Orleans Saints, Washington Redskins.
8-8: Green Bay Packers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, St. Louis Rams.
7-9: Minnesota Vikings, Carolina Panthers.
6-10: Arizona "Super" Cardinals.
5-11: Detroit Lions.
4-12: Philadelphia Eagles.
3-13: none.
2-14: none.
1-15: none.
0-16: none.

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AFC North:

1. The Schedule Run.


2. The Final Standings.


3. The Initial Reaction.

This is one tough mudder of a division.

4. The Three Biggest Games.

* Bengals at Bears, Week 1.  Wound up being the game that gave Cincinnati a game cushion over Baltimore and Pittsburgh.

* Bengals vs Steelers, Week 2; Bengals at Steelers, Week 15.  Not just two humongous divisional and conference games ... when was the last time BOTH matchups between two divisional rivals, were scheduled in prime time BEFORE flex scheduling applies?  I can think of a few times since flex scheduling was implemented in 2006 that it's happened (denver / San Diego in 2006, for example; Cowboys / Giants in 2011), but that required a late flex in, to make it occur.  The Powers That Be are so sold on these two squads ... that they're locked into prime time against each other for both meetings, in April.  

And you know what?  It's the absolute right call.

* Ravens at broncos, Week 1.  Also a game the Ravens could point to, as a defeat that dropped them into Wild Card Weekend, rather than getting a bye into the Divisional Round.

5. The Division MVP.

Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Steelers.  The Steelers have no business being at 11-5, and safely in the playoff field.  Other than the fact that Ben Roethlisberger is going to single-handedly get them there.

6. The Division Coach of the Year.

John Harbaugh, Ravens.  Similarly, given the roster attrition, you can argue the Ravens have no business being at 11-5, and safely in the playoff field.  Other than the fact that John Harbaugh is going to single-handedly get them there.

7. The Mixology Choice for Each Team.

* Bengals: "Dancing On The Ceiling" by Lionel Richie. 

* Ravens: "Second Time Around" by Shalamar.

* Steelers: "He Got Game" by Public Enemy.

* Browns: "Time To Pretend" by MGMT.

8. The Bottom Line ... 'Cause Stone Cold Stevo Said So!

As always: God Hates Cleveland.

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AFC South:

1. The Schedule Run.


2. The Final Standings.


3. The Initial Reaction.

Without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the National ... Football League's worst division.

4. The Three Biggest Games.

* Patriots at Texans, Week 13.  Determined who got the bye to the divisional round, and who is forced to face one of the powerhouse AFC North wildcard teams.

* broncos at Texans, Week 16.  The Texans projected win here created a complete free-for-all week seventeen for the AFC West championship, that left a three way, confusing as hell to break tiebreaker that comes down to strength of victory.

* Texans at Chiefs, Week 7.  Let's just say, when running the AFC West schedules, THIS is the game, I kept attempting to find a way, to talk myself into the upset.  In the end, for this exercise in fantasy?  I couldn't do it.  

5. The Division MVP.

Arian Foster, RB, Texans.  Our first non-quarterback winner!  And probably, our only non-quarterback winner.

6. The Division Coach of the Year.

Chuck Pagano, Colts.  I know Houston is going to run away with this division, and all but clinch it by Halloween ... but come on.  I wouldn't trust Gary Kubiak to walk the dog out to do it's business, let alone run a professional football franchise.  

7. The Mixology Choice for Each Team.

* Texans: "Sooner or Later" by the Grass Roots.

* Colts: "Desperado" by the Eagles.

* Titans: "Wrong Again" by Martina McBride.

* Jaguars: "The Young and the Hopeless" by Good Charlotte.

8. The Bottom Line ... 'Cause Stone Cold Stevo Said So!

If the Texans and Bengals meet for a third postseason meeting in as many seasons ... the winner of the previous two, is not winning a third.

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AFC East:

1. The Schedule Run.


2. The Final Standings.


3. The Initial Reaction.

I was overly generous, to give the Jets three wins.  Oy.  This season might make the utter rank sewage that was 2005, look bearable, by the time it's over.

4. The Three Biggest Games.

* Patriots at Bengals, Week 5.  The projected Bengals win here, and Patriots loss, determined home field advantage, and the first round bye, in the AFC, and subjected the loser to wildcard weekend.

* Patriots at Texans, Week 13.  Same situation as the Bengals game in week five, for New England.

* broncos at Patriots, Week 12.  This prime time potential classic is sandwiched for denver with two games against the Chiefs, that could determine the division.  For New England, the projected here win gave them the three seed, instead of the four.

4a. The WORST Game of the Year, On Paper, Entering the Season.

* Jets at Falcons, Week 5.  Not only is this matchup destined to be an ass whipping of Biblical proportions ... this, ladies and gentlemen?  Dudes and dudettes?  Peoples and peepettes?  IS A PRIME TIME CONTEST!

What jackwagon at League headquarters looked at the Jets and Falcons, and thought "yup, prime time game!"  And it's NOT a Thursday nighter!  Oh no!  It's a Monday nighter!  If you know me at all, you know I oppose abortion in any case ... but if Planned Parenthood wanted to sponsor this game, and shove a shop vac up the official schedule to "make the problem disappear"?  I'd shell out the $600 to make it happen.

And what's even more unbelievable, is that in my life, I'd argue the worst year as a Jets fan, was 2005.  (Yes, 1996 was horrible -- but everyone knew (a) Rich Kotite sucked, (b) Neil O'Donnell sucked, and (c) Bill Parcells was on the way.  2005?  The Jets were coming off their third playoff berth in four years, and had lost in overtime in the divisional round to Pittsburgh.  They were expected to be good.  They went 4-12).

Care to guess what a Monday nighter in mid-October of that year, as the season had long since spiraled out of control was?  Oh yeah.  Jets at Falcons.

It's (checking the clock) 8:44am on a Thursday, and I need a stiff drink just thinking about a game, seven weeks away.

Jets!  Falcons!  Prime Time!  If Jon Gruden returns to the sidelines next year, I guarantee you, he'll mention having to work "games" such as Jets at Falcons, as a major factor in his decision.

5. The Division MVP.

Tom Brady, QB, Patriots.  Who else are you going to choose?

6. The Division Coach of the Year.

Bill Belichick, Patriots.  Who else are you going to choose?

7. The Mixology Choice for Each Team.

* Patriots: "Drunk On You" by Luke Bryan.

* Bills: "Face Down" by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

* Dolphins: "Fantasy" by Earth, Wind, and Fire.

* Jets: "I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett and the Blackhawks.

8. The Bottom Line ... 'Cause Stone Cold Stevo Said So!

The NFL record for most points scored in a game, is 73.  That record is in serious jeopardy week two (Jets at Patriots) and week five (Jets at Falcons).  Serious, serious jeopardy.

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AFC West:

1. The Schedule Run.


2. The Final Standings.


3. The Initial Reaction.

If how I project this division will be decided, is how this division is actually decided?  How to put this delicately ... the biggest bender I've ever gone on, was after the Chiefs lost to denver in week seven, 2002.  (We blew a fourteen point lead with three minutes to play, lost in overtime on a blocked punt, and the loss cost us a playoff berth.)  I literally did nothing but drink for three straight days, other than "call in sick" to work each morning.  

If how I project this division will be decided, is how this division is actually decided?  

You won't see me for a month.

4. The Three Biggest Games.

* Chiefs at Chargers, Week 17.  I project the Chiefs to control their own destiny entering week seventeen, despite losing at Buffalo, despite losing both "winnable upset" home games against Houston and the Giants.  And sadly, I project the Chiefs will fail to control that destiny.

* broncos at raiders, Week 17.  As always, this is the one day a year I root for a terrorist attack to strike American soil, but only in the very specifically defined confines of ... whatever the hell they call the artist formerly known as the Oakland Alameda County Stadium these days.

* Chiefs at Bills, Week 9.  The projected upset at The Ralph, aka "The Chiefs House of Horrors" (we haven't won there since 1986, for those scoring at home), cost the Chiefs the division.  If they could have taken care of business?  The Colts home win week sixteen, would have clinched the division, and made the final week matter only for seeding purposes.

5. The Division MVP.

peyton manning, QB, broncos.  If manning is upright and ambulatory for twelve games or more, it's highly likely denver is reaching the postseason for a third straight season.  If he's not upright and ambulatory for at least three quarters of the season?  Then this has the potential to be my favorite donkeys team of all time, because if brock osweiler is your backup?  In the words of Ween, you're "up sh*ts creek with a turd for a paddle".

6. The Division Coach of the Year.

Mike McCoy, Chargers.  I loved this hire, if only because it means john fox has lost both his coordinators to head coaching jobs within the division.  The enemy of my enemy?  Is my friend.  Words of wisdom Mr. Obama should think very carefully about over the next couple days.

7. The Mixology Choice for Each Team.

* broncos: "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones.

* Chiefs: "This Ain't a Love Song" by Bon Jovi.

* Chargers: "California Dreaming" by the Mamas and the Papas.

* raiders: "Down With The Sickness" by Disturbed.

8. The Bottom Line ... 'Cause Stone Cold Stevo Said So!

For the first time since Thanksgiving Night, 2006, broncos at Chiefs will have meaning for both teams, will quite possibly be a "loser's in deep trouble, winner's in the drivers seat" for the division title and a playoff berth.  Or, in other words, the way God intended it to be.  Sunday, December 1, 2013, cannot get here soon enough.

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The AFC Overall (Playoff Seed Where Applicable):

16-0: none.
15-1: none.
14-2: none.
13-3: none.
12-4: Cincinnati Bengals (1), Houston Texans (2).
11-5: New England Patriots (3), Baltimore Ravens (5), Pittsburgh Steelers (6).
10-6: denver broncos (4), Kansas City Chiefs, San Diego "Super" Chargers.
9-7: none.
8-8: Cleveland Browns, Indianapolis Colts.
7-9: none.
6-10: none.
5-11: Buffalo Bills.
4-12: none.
3-13: New York Jets, Miami Dolphins, Tennessee Titans, oakland raiders.
2-14: Jacksonville Jaguars.
1-15: none.
0-16: none.

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The Postseason Played Out:

* Wild Card Round.

Steelers 24, at Patriots 13.  
at broncos 34, Ravens 31 (OT).
Seahawks 27, at Falcons 20.
at Bears 31, Cowboys 14.

* Divisional Round.

at Bengals 24, Steelers 21 (OT).
broncos 34, at Texans 27.
Seahawks 31, at Giants 20.
at 49ers 26, Bears 21.

* AFC Championship:

broncos 34, at Bengals 13.

AFC Champion: denver broncos.

* NFC Championship:

at 49ers 30, Seahawks 3.

NFC Champion: San Francisco 49ers.

* Super Bowl XLVIII:

broncos 27, 49ers 21.

Super Bowl Champion: denver broncos.

Friday, August 23, 2013

an end of summer fake mailbag ...

"Let's turn it up loud!  Mix it up strong!
Lean it back slow, get your feel good on!
Cut 'em off short!  Roll it up tight!
Let it unwind tonight ...

Drop down the top on the Pontiac!
Wherever you wind up?  Is where the party's at!
Break out the bottle of Bacardi black,
And don't look back!

'Cause here's to the good times!
Here's to the sunshine!
Here's to the ice you float your beer in --
To the tops you pop, and the tan lines disappearing!

And oh my my, 
She's a little bit tipsy!
Leans in for a kiss --
She's stealing your heart just like a gypsy!

And there you are, just a drunken star,
Just falling in her eyes.
Here's to the good times!
While there's still time ..."


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It's been a couple months.  Our accounting system at work is down today, and probably tomorrow.  (Update: down until Monday).  So I have hours to kill, and need something to do.  (Pause).  Do I?  (Pause).  Mr. Vice President?  Would you care to say something?

(vice president biden voice) Folks!  He's talking about a bag of mail!  A three letter word -- mail!

(good ol' jr voice) Good God, Mr. Vice President!  That's ... that's the Fake Mailbag's music!!!!!

As always, these may or may not be legitimate queries from readers who may or may not exist anywhere other than in the deepest, darkest corner of my brain.  (OK, that's a lie -- every person who may or may not have asked the questions about to appear below, is a real person.  And most of them, I would consider to be a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker, a drinking buddy, a tailgating buddy, or an all around decent person.  Emphasis on "most".  There is a Buddy Bell query in here, after all.)

Topics covered today include: "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman's diatribe against the KC Star this week (and why I call him "Klassy"); the loony bin that is MSNBC; an epic "Tale of the Tape" that takes on a debate that needs to be had; the latest Big Brother 15 Power Poll; a call for more people to name their kids "Ralph"; my sneaky-good "wait, this matchup might have huge ramifications!" game for week one; my favorite (and least favorite) team names ... and my thoughts on what one denver broncos fan said their logo looks like to him.  (Trust me -- it's phenomenal.  I am beside myself with disgust and contempt for me, that I didn't make the analogy first.)

Enjoy?

* "Please tell me you saw Greg Hall's epic takedown of Kevin Keitzman's meltdown in Tuesday's monologue?  This was epic!" -- Jasson W, Shawnee.

In the words of the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA ... and the D can stand for "Democrat" or "Drunk"), "you can bet your ass" I read it ... and listened to it.  This, peoples and peepettes, is why Al Gore invented the internet -- so that people like Klassy Kevin Keitzman can be broadcast around the globe ... and people like Greg Hall can have their reaction to what was truly an inspirational thirty minutes of dialogue, read around the globe.

In case you missed it, here's the link to the audio.  (Mr. Hall's column is linked in the question.)  The high level details: Klassy Kevin had the Miguel Tejada suspension scoop first, and ran with it -- as a rumor -- late last week.  Then, according to the Klassy one, while he was "playing golf for three straight days with the legendary Jim Colbert", he claims that his phone blew up when the suspension hit the fan.  Which is all well and good -- Klassy Kevin broke the story, and deserves credit for it.  Should have been the end of it.

Except instead, Klassy Kev' took to Twitter to trash Royals beat writer Bob Dutton, and somehow drew Sam Mellinger into the fight as well, for "sitting on the story".  Both Mr. Dutton and Mr. Mellinger responded as you'd expect: with a witty putdown of Klassy KK's "journalism skills".  And cue the feud in five ... four ... three ...

* "I have a question kind of related to Jasson's, but not really.  Why do you always refer to Mr. Keitzman as "Klassy"?" -- Ashley G, Bonner Springs.

For three reasons:

(1) because both his first and last names begin with the letter K, it seems kind of stupid to spell classy with a C.  Classy Kevin Keitzman.  It just doesn't look right.  But Klassy Kevin Keitzman?  That's a winner.

(2) because if you just use the three K's, you get KKK.  And anytime you can crack a joke about the Klan ... well, you probably shouldn't do it, but I've never been noted for my class, taste, and decorum.  But mostly

(3) because Klassy Kevin is the biggest hypocrite, fraud, and phony working in the Kansas City media market.  He will bore you to tears with stories about how involved he is in his kid's lives as a father (note: I don't doubt this to be true, and kudos to Klassy Kev for that), and will refer constantly to conversations he and his wife have.  What he won't mention is the "conversation" with his wife that most of the sports radio fanbase in this town knows him for, involving a parked car on a Mission Hills street, a WHB intern, and a Prairie Village police officer noting "you can pull your pants up now, Mr. Keitzman".

Also, I had the distinct honor and privilege of playing blackjack next to the man once.  Depending on who you believe, either (KKK's story) he passed out after being in the heat at a KSU / Cal game eight hours earlier, or (common sense story) he passed out, slid out of his chair, and hit the floor after consuming about three too many cervezas. 

Far be it from me to judge someone for drinking too much -- I mean, I have slept for a few hours in my folks front yard before after a night of imbibing.  But I don't go on the air and portray myself to be a bastion of morality and family values. 

* "I trust you saw who got his weekday news show back?  MSNBC listened to you!" -- Brooke B, the District.

Oh hell yes I saw it!  Hang on, let me do this right.  ("the rock" voice) Finally, Ed Schultz has come back, to MSNBC prime time programming!!!!! 

I was furious when The Ed Show got dumped to Saturday afternoons for the utter idiocy that is Chris Hayes.  I irrationally love Ed Schultz, if only because (like me) he is willing to fight for organized labor wherever non-union folks seek to roll back the hard-gained advances labor has won.  There's far, far too few people in this country anymore, who understand the need for union labor.

* "Wait, aren't you a Republican?  Don't you despise Obama?  What the hell are you doing spending your evenings watching that lunatic fringe news network?" -- Cam C, Olathe.

First, I am not a Republican; I am a Clinton / Reagan Democrat.  I am a social liberal on every issue save one (abortion), and even that issue, despite my belief that all abortion is murder, regardless of when it occurs, I wouldn't overturn Roe v Wade.  I am a fiscal conservative, save for one program (Social Security).  And I guess I'm right down the middle on foreign policy.  Republican?  No.  But I feel less like a Democrat each passing day.

Second, I guess you could say I despise Mr. Obama; but I strongly dislike him because he's utterly incompetent.  It has nothing to do with what he stands for, or who he is, and in many regards, I have tremendous admiration for the man.  Like him or hate him, he has restored a level of dignity and grace to the Oval Office that hasn't been there since January 20, 1993.

And as for the real question asked ... uum, have you ever watched MSNBC?  It's hysterical.  It is laugh out loud hysterical.  You lead off with Ed at 4pm CT, and when Ed decides you aren't pro-union, it devolves quickly in a tasteless shouting match.  Then, at 5, it's Reverend Al for an hour.  Let that sink in -- a man who rose to prominence by (pick one) race-bating / making monthly appearances on "The Jerry Springer Show" / destroying the Queens DA office over bogus rape charges leveled by the mother of all liars, Tawana Brawley / by asking Mr. Bush "where my 40 acre and my mule?" at the 2004 DNC.  (Note: if you've never seen Reverend Al's speech in Boston at that convention, you have to search Youtube! to find it.  It is amongst the fifteen funniest minutes you will ever see at a political convention.  In fact, I'd argue the single worst thing about Mr. Obama being the party's nominee the last two elections, is that it took Reverend Al and Reverend Jackson off the speaking rotation.)

This fine, upstanding man of the cloth cannot say more than six words before devolving into ebonics and senseless jibberish.  It's comedic gold.

And it's not even close to the main event, a show I'd argue is the second funniest comedy on television today (behind "Parks and Rec"), "Hardball" with Chris Matthews.  Chris ... how to put this delicately ... Chris is like the crazy drunk uncle you loved as a kid, because he'd always do something to bring the room down with laughter, but now, that crazy drunk uncle has killed too many brain cells with the whiskey, and he just shouts out things for no reason other than it's what's on his mind.  There's no filter, if you will.  I mean, anytime your lead anchor watches a candidate talk, and shouts out "I felt this thrill going up my leg" as his reaction to it, you have to tune in.

Tune away for an hour after Mr. Matthews, because Chris Hayes is unwatchable*.  But come back for the one credible journalist on the network (Rachel Maddow) at 8, and "The West Wing" lead writer Lawrence O'Donnell** at 9, and ... you know what?  NBC should just decide "screw it" to programming, and just like four years ago, when they gave the 9pm hour every night to Jay Leno?  They should just air MSNBC news programs, save for the 7pm hour, when they could air a couple episodes of "Parks and Rec".  I guarantee you that lineup would at least beat Univision in the Nielsens, something NBC hasn't done in at least three years.

(*: why they didn't embrace what's inevitable, and put the awesome Ezra Klein on at 7, instead of the utterly unwatchable Chris Hayes, I have no idea.  Ezra could take down O'Reilly.)

(**: random trivia time!  In addition to being the main script writer -- especially once Aaron Sorkin left, Mr. O'Donnell played a character on the show as well.  He only appeared once, in what many (though not me) argue was "The West Wing"'s best episode ever.  Name that character (ideally without looking it up).  Answer coming up later.  Assuming I remembered I asked the question.)

* "We getting the epic NFL picks post soon?" -- John D, One Arrowhead Drive.

Yes.  I created the Excel sheet earlier today.

* "We going to be any good?" -- "Fat" Andy R, One Arrowhead Drive.

I believe the operative phrase, "there's nowhere to go but up", applies to this season.

* "I wouldn't bet on that." -- Buddy B, formerly of One Kauffman Way.

No Coach Baffoon, No Cassel, No Quinn, No (insert gigantic string of obscenities here) Eric Winston, No Stanford Routt.  There's nowhere to go but up.  Hell, this team might double it's 2012 win total after the conclusion of play in Week Five, and it's not ridiculous to think they could triple the 2012 win total by the time we head to our personal house of horrors, that decrepit stadium affectionately known as "The Ralph".  That wouldn't suck. 

Speaking of ...

* "Do you ever wonder why certain names never seem to get used anymore?  Seems like everyone is naming their kids something more trendy and cool, or even acceptable and bland.  Where are all the great names from the past?" -- Heath C, Harrisonville.

See, now these are the kind of questions and topics I obsess over.  That is a great inquiry.  For the record, the name that I wish would make a comeback is Ralph.  It just sounds neat.  "Ralph".  Maybe it's because when I hear the name "Ralph", I think of Ralph Wiggum, but when I hear "Ralph", I think fat, old dude smoking a unfiltered Vantage while pounding a case of Hamm's in some run down bar near the trailer park development in Turner.  And it's not just a hole in the wall bar with a not-quite neon sign erected in 1968 outside -- it calls itself a "lounge".  Oh, yeah -- and Ralph is hitting big time on the 305 pound cocktail waitress, who is puffing on a Viceroy while double fisting a couple Lowenbrau's.

(Tell me that isn't what you think of, when you hear the name "Ralph".  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  No -- I cannot be the only person who thinks that's what a Ralph looks like!  (Pause).  OK, I'll give you that -- instead of Ralph being in the sleazy bar by the trailer park development in Turner, he might be living his dream in a bar that may or may not be a mob front, off of 14th and Minnesota Avenue.  I'll concede that.

But -- but! -- Ralph is definitely in a "lounge".)

"How's this for frightening: you can make a legitimate, sincere, genuine argument that the best owner in the AFC West -- and it isn't even a close competition -- is the one man who voted to KEEP Scott Pioli last December: Clark Hunt." -- Joe T, Lee's Summit.

This was an actual question, addressed to me at work today.  And my answer is: holy crap, he's right!  Dean Spanos is a clueless dolt who doesn't care about winning, only fleecing the good residents of either San Diego or Los Angeles into building him a new stadium that will probably never host a playoff game before it's replaced twenty years from now.  Mark Davis ... al's son.  Enough said.  And the man "The Voice of Reason" once (appropriately) addressed to his face as a "classless jackass", patrick j. bowlen?  Sadly is not there anymore mentally.  Let that sink in Chiefs fans -- we have the division's most lucid, coherent, cognitive, bright, intelligent, reasonable owner.

And he voted to KEEP Scott Pioli as general manager eight months ago.

My head hurts.  Let's move on -- if only because I can't drink on the job.

* "Do you realize we're only two weeks away from the season debut of Jamboroo!  Come on!  You've gotta be geeked!  I know how much you love Drew Magary's work!" -- Anthony V, Overland Park.

Oh yeah!  I cannot wait for the return of Rolf the National Socialist Shark, the Watchability Ratings, the "Sunday Viewing For (Insert Worst NFL Team Here)" link, the classic "Simpsons" quote to close the column out, and of course, THE best part of the column, the Robert Evans MVP Watch! 

But until then, Mr. Magary is doing his "Why Your Team Sucks" annual profile again, for why your favorite team, is the NFL's worst.  Yesterday?  Was the profile I've been waiting for.  "Why Your Team Sucks: denver broncos".

Here, uncensored, are some of my favorite fan comments for why the denver broncos are the worst team in the NFL:

5. "In the mid-90s, my grandma was a coat check lady at a big hotel in downtown denver.  john elway was there one night.  When she returned his coat, he put $20 in her tip jar, and then fished out $18 in ones."

4. "Our winningest playoff QB since john "handjob" elway?  Tim motherf*cking Tebow."  (Note: technically this is true ... but jake "the fake" plummer also has one playoff win as a broncos quarterback, over (of all teams) the two-time defending champion New England Patriots in 2005.)

3. "We traded three draft picks to draft Tim Tebow!"

2. "The broncos are now without their two best defenders since (von) miller (is) suspended, and since they lost elvis dumervil because no one in the front office is sober enough to know how to work a f*cking fax machine."

And your winner:

1. "Our logo looks like a heaving penis."

(Admit it -- you're pulling up that dirty donkey right now ... and yup, "Tim" is right.  The denver broncos logo is a horribly misshaped penis, in desperate need of some man-scaping, that is not capable of properly ejaculating.) 

"Our logo looks like a heaving penis."  Considering that franchise is run by the biggest dick walking the planet, I really wish I'd thought of this first.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Ooh, good point, Mr. Non-Existant Stevo's Site Numero Dos editor.  Come December 1st (hee hee, he said "come"), is it "Pin the Tail on the Bronkey" ... or "Pin the Tail on the Heaving Penis”?  That’s a good, good question, Mr. Non-Existant Stevo’s Site Numero Dos editor.  A damned good question.

Hey, speaking of …

* “Bad week for the adult entertainment industry.” – Dusty J, KCK.

No fooling dude.  A production shutdown due to a positive HIV test, Playboy again rejecting the Tanning Mom’s (ninth?  tenth?) desire to pose for a centerfold, “The Canyons” a flop of historic proportions, and of course, a district court judge upholding Measure B, a prop passed last November that requires the male talent to wear a condom for every scene that is shot in California.  To say nothing of Anthony Weiner’s sex-subject doing a 180 and shooting a quick skin flick for Vivid.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, please!  Of course!  Send his query through!  Yes, Mr. Reason?

* “Steve Hirsch.  Hugh Hefner.  It’s time.” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

You know what?  It is.  Cue the Nick Bakay voice – it’s time for this edition of the fake mailbag’s “Tale of the Tape”!!!!!

Here we go.  Seven individual categories pitting two porn magnates, to see who is truly the King of Simi Sleazy Valley.  Let’s do this!

1. Major contribution made to adult entertainment:

Hirsch: taking “celebrities” in their fourteenth minute of fame, and making a boatload of cash off that fifteenth minute.  Exploitation of the naïve, if you will. 

Hefner: founded (arguably) the magazine that revolutionized the nation’s attitude towards sexuality.  Exploitation of the young, drunk, and horny, if you will.

Advantage: push.  We are all winners here.

2. Low-rated, yet shockingly watchable, network television show based on their life’s work:

Hirsch: FOX’s “Skin” (2003), in which the late, great Ron Silver played a character based on Steve Hirsch.  Known for the famous line “His father is the DISTRICT ATTORNEY!”, and for introducing the nation to a then-unknown actress named Olivia Wilde (who played Silver’s daughter).

Hefner: NBC’s “The Playboy Club” (2011), in which the real-life sleazy Eddie Cibrian played a character loosely based on a young Hugh Hefner.  Known for horrific writing, no discernible plot, and no female characters even approaching the hotness that still is Olivia Wilde.  Also, the line “His father is the DISTRICT ATTORNEY!” was never used.

Advantage: Hirsch.  Believe it or not, I liked “Skin”.  A lot.  If FOX had paired it with its breakout hit from 2003 (“The OC”), they could have milked more than 8 episodes out of the run.

3. Sleazy fellow porn king that begs a comparison be drawn to:

Hirsch: Joe Francis, of “Girls Gone Wild” fame.

Hefner: no one.  He’s the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner.

Advantage: Hefner.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: this “Tale of the Tape” could be something … REALLY special.

4. Breakout Blond Bombshell Who Owes Her Legendary Career To:

Hirsch: Jenna Jameson.  Although if anything, the inverse is probably true – Mr. Hirsch would probably be more useless than Chi Chi LaRue at this point, were it not for Ms. Jameson.

Hefner: Pam Anderson.  With an assist from Tim Allen.  

Advantage: push.  Again, we are all winners here.

5. Owns a House Known the World Over:

Hirsch: nope.

Hefner: yup.

Advantage: Hefner.

6. Reality TV Star Who Went Full-On “Bow Chicka Bow Wow, Chicka Bow Wow!” In a Skin Flick or Show Produced by Their Company:

Hirsch: Farrah Abraham, from “Teen Mom” on MTV, starring in “Back Door Teen Mom”, a gigantic hit in the adult entertainment business earlier this year.

Hefner: Ozzy Lusth, who “Survivor” fans will know well, starred in a memorable episode of “Foursome”*, a show on Playboy TV that puts four “random strangers” into a house (usually two girls, two guys) over a 48 hour period, and lets nature take its course. 

Advantage: Hirsch.  I really could have done without seeing Ozzy’s junk on multiple occasions, thank you very much.

So here we are.  Hirsch 2, Hefner 2, Push 2.  Since Push is never an option for the Deciding Question, we will have a winner.

7. Have I Ever Subscribed, On a Monthly Basis, to this Gentleman’s Television Network?

Hirsch: nope.

Hefner: hell yes.

Advantage – And Winner: by a 3-2-2 margin, the greatness that is Mr. Hugh M. Hefner!!!!  Thanks for playing everyone.  Now back to the (not necessarily legitimate) mail.

(*: other than (a) the Jesse Jane-hosted era of "Naughty Amateur Home Videos", the original "Night Calls" starring the legendary Juli Ashton and the stunning Tiffany Granath, and any segment of "Sexcetera" hosted by (a) Hoyt and Frank (the two greatest reporters in television history) or (b) Scott Potasnik, "Foursome" is Playboy TV's only watchable show.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, good point -- or any segment of "Sexcetera hosted by (c) Ralph Garmin.  See -- Ralph!  I'm telling you, that name SO needs to make a comeback!)

* “So … can we get a sneak peak at what you’re thinking for the NFL picks post?  Who you think is a playoff lock going in, who your sleeper team(s) are … you know, for the degenerate gamblers who read you, so that they won’t bet as you do your loyal readers?” – Damien J, Midtown.

Sure, what the hell.  I’ll give you one preview hint.

There is exactly one – and only one – week one game, that I think could swing a team’s entire season.  Win that week one matchup?  A 7-0 start is seriously in play.  Lose that week one matchup?  The season might spiral to top five pick territory. 

Or to put it another way – I’d argue there hasn’t been a swing game like this to open a season, since September 13, 2010.  A (I'd argue) grousely underrated team, playing at home, in prime time, facing a legitimate bona-fide Super Bowl contender that is poorly coached, routinely makes idiotic gaffes at the worst possible moments, and leaves its’ fans constantly thinking “well, he did win the division the last couple years, but … really?  THIS coach, THIS quarterback, can get us over the hump?”

How I finally pick that outcome … is gonna likely determine at least one AFC division champion (and potentially two), as well as potentially at least one AFC Wild Card spot.

That game?  Houston at San Diego, the second Monday nighter.  Stay up late kids.  They give you this thing called “PTO” for a reason.

* “No “Big Brother Power Poll” this week?  What the hell?” – Mary F, North KC.

Well, I had to wait until last night's HoH competition was over, since "Revive a Hamster" occurred.  Now that we know the rodent resurrected from the dead, plus our new (and I'd argue, shocking) HoH ... you ask, you receive.

Big Brother 15 Power Poll 6.0!
This week's theme: memorable NFL coach and player quotes.  Enjoy.

16. David (16, 16, 16, 16, 1).  "This is the NFL, which stands for "Not For Long" when you make horsesh*t calls like that!" -- former Oilers and Falcons coach Jerry Glanville.

15. Nick (15, 15, 15, 15, 8).  "We can't run.  We can't pass.  We can't stop the run.  We can't stop the pass.  We can't kick.  Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now." -- former Jets and Bengals coach Bruce Coslet.

14. Jeremy (14, 14, 14, 14, 5).  "The shoulder surgery was a success.  The lobotomy failed." -- former Bears and Saints coach Mike Ditka, on quarterback Jim McMahon.

13. Kaitlin (13, 13, 13, 10, 13).  "If you aren't fired (up) with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." -- former Packers and Redskins coach Vince Lombardi.

12. Howard (12, 9, 12, 13, 7).  "Well, I didn't fire him, and he didn't quit, so I guess he'll be back (next season)." -- Lions owner William Clay Ford Sr., on head coach Wayne "Rasputin" Fontes.  (In the interest of full disclosure, Wayne Fontes is one of my three favorite coaches of all time.)

11. Candice (11, 4, 7, 7, 6).  "The road to easy street goes through the sewer." -- former raiders coach john madden.

10. Helen (4, 3, 1, 3, 15).  "Well, what happened was, that second game, we got our asses kicked.  In the second half, we just totally got our asses kicked.  We couldn't do diddley poo offensively, we couldn't make a first down, we couldn't run the ball, we didn't try to run the ball, we couldn't complete a pass -- we sucked.  The second half, we sucked.  Every time they got the ball, they went down and got points.  We got our asses totally kicked in the second half, that's what it boiled down to.  It was a horsesh*t performance in the second half.  Horsesh*t.  I'm totally embarrassed and totally ashamed.  Coaching did a horrible job.  The players did a horrible job.  We got our asses kicked in that second half.  It sucked.  It stunk." -- former Saints and Colts coach Jim Mora Sr.

9. Amanda (7, 6, 11, 12, 3).  "It's a good idea.  I'm in favor of it." -- former Bucs coach John McKay, on his team's execution.

8. McCrae (6, 7, 8, 8, 14).  "Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- former Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann.

7. Jessie (9, 12, 10, 6, 4).  "The most profitable type of writing?  Ransom notes." -- former Lions star (and star of TV's "Webster") Alex Karras.

6. Elissa (5, 10, 6, 9, 16; current HoH).  "If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle, or send him out to play on the freeway.  It's about the same." -- former raiders star (and star of TV's "Saved By The Bell: The College Years") bob golic.

5. Spencer (8, 11, 9, 11, 12).  "We're not attempting to circumcise rules." -- former Steelers coach Bill Cowher.

4. Judd (10, 5, 2, 1, 10; "Revive a Hamster" 2013 Winner).  "Hello!  You play to win the game!  You play!  To win!  The game!" -- former Jets and Chiefs coach Herm Edwards.  (In the interest of full disclosure, Herm Edwards is one of my three favorite coaches of all time.)

3. GinaMarie (2, 8, 5, 5, 11).  "Men?  I want you to think of one word all season.  One word, and one word only: Super Bowl." -- former Oilers head coach Bill Peterson.

2. Andy (3, 2, 3, 4, 9).  "I don't know what he has.  A pulled groin.  A hip flexor.  I don't know.  A pulled something.  I never pulled anything.  You can't pull fat." -- former Jets and Bengals coach Bruce Coslet.

1. Aaryn (1, 1, 4, 2, 2).  "The offense serviced itself, the defense serviced itself." -- former Eagles, Rams, and Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil.

* “How epically awesome is it, that Aaryn has won HoH four times … and all four times, a minority will be evicted?  Aryan Nation, Represent!!!” – Stevo, South KC.

OK, fine – I asked myself that question.  But honestly?  I’m starting to root for this girl.  Sure, she’s a horrific racist who has a rude awakening awaiting for her when she leaves the house.  But I kinda wanna see her leave with the $500k at this point.  She’s tied for most HoH wins in the history of the show (at 4) … and we’re only halfway through the season.  Her racist rants have been so dramatic, that CBS has now placed a ten second disclaimer before every episode regarding her actions and antics. 

* “Rough week, huh?” – Stevo’s mom, Lenexa.

Well, let’s see. 

Tuesday was the nine year anniversary of one of my best friends growing up (pick one) driving head on into a retaining wall at 90mph in the rain while slightly intoxicated / killed himself.  Tuesday was also the day four more co-workers of mine were poop-canned, for no obvious reason in most cases, and the casualty list included my favorite person in my department.  Our accounting system is down until at least Monday, so I can’t get anything done.  The Royals are fading fast, the Chiefs are an offensive disaster so far (never good when you’re in a division with peyton manning and Phyllis Rivers), the back of my iPhone shattered when it was inadvertently dropped on the deck, which has screwed that thing up royally, my laptop has crashed, I don’t have a working motor vehicle, my first bus was twelve – TWELVE! – minutes delayed this morning on its’ first trip of the day, and so I had to shell out $35 for a cab to get to work – and share a cab with the crazy b*tch who works at the Salvation Army (and go figure, she stiffed me on a reimbursement of her half of the fare).

And then, of all people – of all people! – THIS popped into my inbox yesterday:

--------------------

From: “The Voice of Reason”
To: Stevo
Re: dc

So, and I am terrified to ask … when are we going to do Don Chilito’s* for lunch?

--------------------

I’d forgotten that, as a (fidelity ad voice) “why not?” moment of hilarity and punishment, I would do a Stevo’s Site Numero Dos … hang on, let me check this … wow – I agreed to do Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ first ever restaurant review, and review the single worst restaurant in Johnson County, if not the entire five county metro, if not the entire quad state area, if not the entire nation west of the Mississippi.  (For the record, the single worst restaurant I’ve ever been to, was whatever the dumpy dive is inside Bluffs Run Casino in Council Bluffs.  It’s atrocious.  I literally had to extend my stay by two days, I could not stop puking and pooping.  Even Don Chilito’s is out of you within 12-24 hours.)

What a week.  What an atrocious, hellacious, god awful week.  

And I didn't even mention the one-year anniversary that really has me p*ssed off and angry, that just came and went.  What an atrocious, hellacious, beyond god awful week this was.

(*: seriously, click on the link.  There are at least five typos on the site (which, to be fair, I’m one of the world’s worst offenders at typos … but you don’t come here for the ambiance).  And look at the pictures of food!  Tell me you didn’t immediately clinch your ass in fear of Montezuma’s Revenge.  Also, three words: “trough.  of.  chips.”  When I think trough, I think the old urinals at The K and Arrowhead, that are still alive and well at The Brooksider.  I apologize in advance to the nice lady who cleans the second floor bathrooms at “company I work for” in advance – next Thursday or Friday, or the following week Tuesday or Wednesday, is going to be butt ass ugly in said bano.  Pun intended.)

* “How’d the fantasy draft go?” – Jeff S, suburbs of Omaha (last time I knew).

Shockingly well, I thought.  Although I’m still waiting to hear back from Cooksey regarding date night at the Browns game.

* “I'm still in utter shock team tito is going to field a semi-credible roster this season." -- Brent S, somewhere in incorporated Johnson County.



You're shocked?  I can't sell season tickets at the Pink Taco fast enough!

* "Where's Chadwick Pennington?" -- Everyone I Know, Wherever They Live.

I literally spent the last three rounds looking for him, to draft him.  The espn.com drafter deal had QBs ranked as low as 1,344th overall ... and no Chadwick Pennington.  

The Jets jersey in my closet is beyond p*ssed, at that development.

OK, let's bring this puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken to the finish line* ...

(*: before I forget: the answer to your trivia question many, many pages ago?  Lawrence O’Donnell played President Bartlet’s father, in the “Two Cathedrals” episode that many – most – fans of the show, rate as their favorite.  Mine is “2162 Votes”, but “Two Cathedrals” is pretty damned solid.)

* "I assume you saw who's going to be on "Survivor" this fall." -- Drew K, Shawnee.

I need Rupert in my life again, like I need a bullet in my brain.

* "And who's coming back to "Idol".  As a mentor!" -- Ashley K, Shawnee.

Yo, yo, yo dawg!  For you, for me ... sweet merciful Jesus, Randy Jackson as a mentor.  A mentor!  Randy Jackson, a man who can't get through five words without dropped the word "yo", "dawg", or "a'right", is going to be the benchmark that America's next potential pop superstar aspires to achieve!  Oy vey!  Dios con mio!

* “You need your own, Stevo-style gimmick, for the next fake mailbag, that you didn’t rip off from the Sports Guy or Mellinger.” – Katie H, Raytown.

I agree.  Let me think.  (Pause).  (Pause).  (Pause).  Hmm.  (Pause).  I honestly got nothing.

So, I’ll just throw together a top ten list, of some significance to me, to at least give an answer.

The Ten Remaining Days In the Year, I am Most Looking Forward To:

10. October 13.  Chiefs.  raiders.  Arrowhead.  Throw in the expected visit by our friends in South Dakota, and it should be a fun time.

9. September 26.  “Parks and Rec” returns for its sixth season.

8. Saturday.  My nieces third birthday party; Chiefs vs Coach Hobo and his Steelers; Joyce and Jerry’s annual pool party.  Busy day tomorrow.

7. October 29.  The Association season – the final for David Stern running my favorite sports league – tips off.

6. December 25.  You have to love Christmas. 

5. (Likely) October 6; (If Not Then) October 13.  Start of the bowling league.  Always one of my favorite days.

4. September 15.  Chiefs.  Cowboys.  Arrowhead.  Home opener.  And a damned decent chance the Red and Gold match last year’s season long win total, eight days into this season.

3. October 19.  Katie’s wedding.

2. December 1.  Chiefs.  broncos.  Arrowhead.  “The Day I Live For”.

1. December 31.  This hellhole of a year cannot end soon enough.

* "Wait -- you're looking forward to bowling league?  I mean, that's nice and all, and I love you for it -- teammates forever! -- but really?  You're looking forward to this?" -- Penny H, Liberty.

Hell yes I am!  Every day those two self-absorbed, arrogant, elitist, hypocritical asshats have to see me there?  Is a victory for me, and a defeat for them.

"Sorry!  But that's how I feel!"

"Deal with it!"

* “If you could change any one thing about your life right now, what would it be, and why?” – Chris N, Quality Hill.

Easy – I’d pack up and move back to the Metroplex.  Just leave the bullsh*t of the last year behind, and never look back.  Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.  Although God knows I tried this year.

* “I’m guessing there’s no (Insert Ounce Here) Tailgate this summer … yet again.” – Megan K, City Market.

Yeah, it ain’t happening.  But if someone wants to make a sign for the home opener that says “560,001st Ounce Tailgate”, I’m not going to stop them.

* “560,001?  Come on!” – Jon T, Toronto.

Fine – 600,001.

* “Keep going.” – Tara W, Shawnee.

(sighing with disgust) Fine – 650,001.

* “Not even close.” – Stevo’s dad, Lenexa.


* “Zach Lowe’s awesome columns, ranking NBA franchises by team name.  Uuh, care to take on that task?” – Brett H, Harrisonville.

Uuh, no.  That seems even more time consuming than coming up with 50 plus fake … excuse me, “real” inquiries from my “real” readers.  (Wait – that last real didn’t need quotes, my bad.)

But I will give you my favorite, and least favorite, for the four major North American professional sports leagues, plus my favorite and least favorite, from my favorite defunct North American sports league.

MLB Favorite: Twins.  Love the casual reference to the Twin Cities, and the TC logo is sweet.

MLB Least Favorite: White Sox.  In the interest of full disclosure, my primary fantasy baseball team every year is named the Black Sox.  Much better team name.

NFL Favorite: Seahawks.  Don’t care for the team much, but I love the name.

NFL Least Favorite: broncos.  For purely hate-filled, self-centered reasons.

NHL Favorite: Blackhawks.  Double whammy here – it honors the Native American tribe driven from Illinois in the 1830s … and the commanding officer who led the drive against them in the Blackhawk War of 1832 – future President Abraham Lincoln (from Illinois, of course).

NHL Least Favorite: Stars.  Favorite franchise?  Yes.  But come on.  They should sell the naming rights to North Stars back to Minnesota, and rename themselves something that fits more with Texas.

NBA Favorite: 76ers.  The Independence City, the Spirit of 76, it’s just perfect.

NBA Least Favorite: Jazz.  In Utah?  Come on.  Sell the name back to New Orleans and adopt the Stars team name from the ABA days.  Or tie into the Mormon history that dominates the state, and become the Polygamists or the Teetotalers.

ABA Favorite: The Spirits of St. Louis.  This might honestly be the coolest team name in the history of sports.  My other six “I love these team names!” ABA franchises:

1. the Kentucky Colonels.  Were owned by John Y. Brown, future Boston Celtics owner, future Buffalo Braves turned San Diego Clippers owner … and the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

2. the Minnesota Muskies.  Your first ABA champion.  They lasted exactly one season before moving to Miami.

3. the Virginia Squires.  The one regional franchise to make it to the end of the league, the logo is awesome – Thomas Jefferson dribbling a basketball across the state.  Really, really cool.

4. the San Diego Conquistadors.  Admit it – it sounds cool.  Oh, and the head coast of “The Q’s”, as they were known, in 1974?  Answer coming shortly*.

5. the San Diego Sails.  The team name prior to folding early in the ABA’s final season.  Another perfect match of location and name.

6. the Los Angeles Stars.  Another perfect match of location and name.

ABA Least Favorite: New York Nets.  The team name was picked to rhyme with Long Island’s other 1970s professional franchise, the Mets and Jets. 

(*: your trivia answer?  The Q’s coach in 1974 … was Wilt Chamberlain, who was fined on multiple occasions for coaching in sandals.  In the words of the great Anthony J. Bruno: “that’s an outrage!”)

* “Boxers or Briefs?” – Melissa C, Cleveland.

Boxers.  And I’m still waiting on an answer.

* "I have two months." -- Melissa C, Cleveland.

Seriously -- what’s there to think about?  I’m hot as hell, insanely witty, smarter (albeit barely) than a corpse, I’m 0 for 2013 in the “bow chicha bow wow, chicha bow wow” department, and I will not be spending the night before the game in a Holiday Inn Express.  I also am highly likely to be over the legal limit in (president obama voice) all 56 states and the District by the time the gates open at 8:30am.  What’s not to love?

(God, we’re getting close.)

* “Bring the family out to the Carnival, in town this week next to the Home Depot …” – from a flyer in my stack of mail on Wednesday.

We’re there.


Carnies invading south KC.  Like we don’t already have a sterling reputation for shadiness in this fine community …

week twelve picks

The Statisticals. Last Week SU: 8-6-0. Season to Date SU: 98-62-1. Last Week ATS: 7-7-0. Season to Date ATS: 75-80-6. Last Week Upset / ...