“Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice,
And she said “we are all just prisoners here,
Of our own device.”
And in the master’s chambers,
They gathered for the feast.
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can’t kill the beast.
Last thing I remember,
I was running for the door.
I had to find the passage back,
To the place I was before.
Relax, said the nightman,
We are programmed to receive.
You can check out anytime you like,
But you can never leave …”
(the chenbot voice) Welcome, to the Big Brother 16 Power Poll Version 3.0!
But first ...
Not really gonna be a theme this week, and I apologize for no poll last week. But football season is almost here, and you all know the posting picks up significantly once the Red and Gold take the field.
Big Brother 16 Power Poll Version 3.0
Key: Rank. Houseguest (2.0 Ranking, 1.0 Ranking). Thoughts and comments.
16. Joey (16, 8). Does anybody actually miss her? I didn't think so.
15. Paola (15, 15). Does anybody actually miss her? I didn't think so.
14. Devin (14, 3). This just in -- dude has a daughter. Oh, and I don't even have to ask the question for this tito -- nobody misses him. Well, other than maybe his daughter. Which he has one. Who's, like, one year old and stuff. God, this guy just annoyed the crap out of me for some reason.
13. Victoria (12, 7). There are many, many things in life that irritate me. Rank hypocrisy. Anything and anyone affiliated in any way with the organization known as the denver broncos*. The rapidly rising cost of decent liquor. Utter and total incompetence that you try to pass off as success.
But few things irritate me more than people who think they're attractive, and go out of their way to play up their looks, when reality requires me to inform that person, that you're not attractive. Honey? You're not attractive. Maybe to some slack-jawed yokel you're the prize at the state fair, but not to me.
Oh, and the facial cream is NOT helping the acne problem. You're welcome.
(*: I may hate the denver broncos, and take every opportunity life presents me to degrade satan's squad ... but a genuine and sincere Stevo's Site Numero Dos' best wishes to broncos owner pat bowlen. My grandma died of Alzheimer's. I wouldn't wish that disease on my worst enemy ... who it just so happens, is a broncos fan. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I do not believe in coincidence. Back to the poll!)
12. Christine (13, 11). I am solidly convinced that if I was to throw down with this chick in a dark alley, I would not emerge alive**. She's grizzley bear level scary.
(**: yes, Captain Oats, I am fully aware that if I got into a donnybrook in a dark alley with damned near any member of the opposite sex, I would not emerge alive. I am not what the kids call "buff" or "physically threatening".)
11. Hayden (11, 9). He's just there. Which I guess is a good thing for him, if he intends to win the $500,000, but he doesn't really move the meter for me in any appreciable way. Smells like your floater who gets tugged along, until it's time to head to port, and then they cut him loose and let, like, the dolphins and sharks and other fish-like creatures, eat him for dinner.
10. Brittany (5, 4). She's extremely like to be sent packing tonight, and I won't be all that sorry to see her go. Although it was funny watching her have to score 2,400 goals in 24 hours, as she b*tched, moaned, whined, and complained the whole time. You know what? She gets her own theme song this week:
"It was raining from the first,
And I was dying of thirst,
So I came in here.
And your long-time curse? Hurts.
But what's worse?
Is this pain in here.
I can't stay in here!
Ain't it clear that
I just can't fit.
Yes, I believe it's time for us to quit.
And when we meet again?
Introduced as friends?
Please don't let on that you knew me when,
I was hungry, and it was your world.
Aah, you fake just like a woman! Yes you do!
You make love just like a woman! Yes you do!
Then you ache, just like a woman!
But you break?
Just like a little girl ..."
9. Jocasta (10, 16). Rises slightly thanks to her reaction to winning the Block Party. Because anytime you can have a solid five minute montage thanking every spirit known in the material world, you have to do it.
And, we're at halftime.
Which brings us to this week's "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week!
This week, I choose not to use a Tweet. I choose instead, to use a transcript, of the "Klassy" One, from his show on Tuesday. And folks, you're gonna love this one. I advise you not have any adult beverages in your mouth while reading said transcript, because you're gonna spit it out in laughter at the rank, stank hypocrisy, of what "K"KK is alleging:
Well, I guess it's time to add one to the rotation. (frankie from "big brother 16" voice) Oh my God! Oh my God!
"I've been called a shock jock, Jerry Springer, clueless about sports, an exaggerator ..."
What, pray tell, Oh Klassy One, is NOT true in that above listing? Let's take these one at a time, shall we?
* Shock jock? A shock jock tends to either use sensational material to rile up his or her audience, or just flat out make sh*t up, to spark a debate or manufacture a controversy. *Cough Missouri Is Going To The Big Ten -- Official Cough* *Cough The Walkout Against the Yankees Cough*.
* Clueless About Sports? You wanted the Chiefs to take Geno Smith number one overall. You claimed Kansas State hoops couldn't survive Frank Martin's departure, or survive Bruce Weber's arrival. You spent the day of Coach Hobo's hiring five years ago praising Coach Hobo and Mr. Pioli not for their football acumen, oh no. You praised them for taking a flight on Southwest, and driving themselves to Arrowhead, instead of having a first class ride in and a limo waiting. (Maybe if they hadn't wasted all that time in overstuffed airplanes and hauling themselves around town, they could have found the time, to, you know, actually do their job, and build a team that is a success.)
* An Exaggerator? I mean, really? Really? Is this the Peter Griffin "Genital Warts!" Memorial Moment of the posting? But my personal favorite:
* Jerry Springer. Well, "Between The Lines" has become a three ring circus freak show. To say nothing of the fact that fifteen years ago, you could have (allegedly) appeared as a guest on Mr. Springer's fine television production for (allegedly) doing what most of the guests, are on his show to admit.
But hey, you do have to admire his honesty -- it does pay to cheat.
Wow, where to begin. "I'm not hammering on Bill Self. Somewhere in there is a golden compliment."
Say wha? Uuh, Ol' Klassy One? Generally speaking, when you spend forty five seconds ripping a coach to pieces? You're hammering on them. I mean, I didn't launch into a few thousand word diatribes about Coach Baffoon two years ago on a weekly basis, because "somewhere in there is a golden compliment". I ripped into Coach Baffoon because he's a God awful head coach! You didn't rip into Bill Self to "find the golden compliment", you ripped into him because you think he's a cheater!
And even there -- offering up no proof, no evidence, no facts whatsoever, to back up your claim that Ol' Hairpiece is a serial violator of the rules -- that STILL isn't the most rank, stank hypocritial part of Quote
Let what "Klassy" Kev is saying, sink in.
He's mad at someone for (allegedly) cheating.
(Pause). Yeah, got to. (frankie from "big brother 16" voice) Oh my God! Oh my God!
Let's return to the action on the field ...
8. Donny (8, 14). He's up for eviction, but there's no way he's leaving tonight. Circle me curious to see how Cody opting to put Donny up, instead of Caleb as planned, goes over with the lovable groundskeeper.
7. Caleb (4, 1). Oh good gravy, where to begin. His border-line pathological stalking of Amber is creepy. He's turned into the biggest tool the house has to offer, and considering this is Big Brother, that's saying something -- there's a certain tool factor built in to every houseguest to begin with. He blew, he freaking blew, an opportunity to not just gain an ally (and he's hemorrhaging them at this point) in Brittany by taking the HoH back from Victoria to save her, for someone who is clearly going through big-time "I ain't had sex in a month, y'all" pains right now, he blew a golden opportunity to stop the slump. (Sidebar: we're in week five guys, and nobody's hooked up yet? Really? You put sixteen (mostly) attractive, horny (joe pesci voice) utes in a closed environment, cut off to everything in the world save for themselves, and NOBODY has taken advantage of it yet? The moral side of me finds that refreshing. The Big Brother fan side of me is disgusted and deeply, deeply disappointed.)
And yet, you can argue that Caleb not taking the HoH and saving Brittany, wasn't even the dumbest move involving him this week. Cody not backdooring him, that was the dumbest move of the week.
6. Amber (9, 12). Watching her shoot down every missive Caleb sends her way, is hysterical enough. Watching her intentionally p*ss Caleb off by hitting on Cody, is just priceless. Keep it up girl. It's been fun to watch.
5. Zach (7,6). This is not an indictment of Zach, as much as an endorsement of everyone rated above him. This dude is every bit the remaining four's equal when it comes to delivering quality cheap-ass entertainment. The pink hat is just awesome.
And while I'm at it, yo! Mr. Chen! Mr. Leslie Chen! Zach, Cody, and Frankie gave you the sitcom pitch of a lifetime this week: a show focused on the three of them living their everyday lives. "Two Frat Boys and a Gay Guy". I guarantee you, that show will not only draw ratings?
It's better than "2 Broke Girls" (which (God forgive me) I watch and (please God, forgive me) actually makes me laugh), "Mom" (which I neither watch nor enjoy), or the carcass of "Two and a Half Men" (checked out a long time ago).
4. Cody (6, 10). Solid week as HoH, although worrying about having blood on your hands on Day 25 is a bit ridiculous. Nobody will remember it come Day 46. And you know it's a week, when I can't decide what moment made me laugh more. Was it:
* Cody, first up in the Veto comp, noting "if I don't win this, I'm an idiot", then being the first booted ... in a soccer competition? Or ...
* Cody's prize for playing in said Veto comp being that he had to literally kick himself in the ass ten times, every time the bell rung for a day?
I have to go with the latter, because the montage shown last night was that damned funny. It was just cruel by the end. Good job, powers that be!
(Don't believe me?)
3. Nicole (3, 2). She's insanely hot, she's ridiculously funny, she doesn't take herself seriously, and she even rocks it in a frog costume. You know what? She's also getting her own theme this week:
"The way you look! The way you laugh!
The way you love with all you have!
There ain't nothin' 'bout you?
That don't do somethin' for me!
The way you kiss, the way you cry,
The way you move when you walk by!
There ain't nothin' 'bout you?
That don't do somethin' for me!
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh! ..."
(Oh, and speaking of "there ain't NOTHIN' 'bout you, that don't do somethin' for me? Anyone recognize the female star of this video? She's only my favorite female district attorney on one of my ten favorite shows of all time. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, peoples and peepettes, that is the lovely, the talent, ADA Connie Rubarosa! God above, she is smoking hot! Round of applause for Alana de la Garza everyone!!!)
2. Derrick (1, 5). He's the best player in the game, bar none. Somehow, his cop background hasn't slipped out yet. If it does, it'll be interesting to see who turns on him (for their own good), and who decides to chance it against him.
1. Frankie (2, 13). A Stevo's Site Numero Dos' official consolation and sympathy shout-out to Frankie, who lost his grandfather yesterday. (And congrats to CBS for actually letting him know.)
Dude is laugh out loud funny. He's likable. That referee's shirt for the Veto comp is amongst the five funniest outfits I've ever seen on this show, and again, given that this is "Big Brother", where contestants have dressed as a banana for a week before, that's saying something.
(the ref's shirt. oh, yeah: (brian griffin voice) gay. Image: Morty's TV.)
And somehow, nobody's figured out yet who his sister is! Unbelievable!
Although in the houseguests defense, I haven't figured out yet who his sister is, so I'll cut them some slack there ...