Wednesday, July 9, 2014

big brother 16 power poll 2.0


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I had a moment at work Tuesday, when I started typing up the Power Poll 2.0.

See, all last season, I found myself usually disappointed with the way the NFL Picks post turned out every week.  Now, I'll grant you, the month of October was shot due to circumstances beyond my control.  But most weeks, I just wasn't that impressed with what got churned out.  And so, I've been trying to figure out how to create a better, more humorous picks post.

You know -- like how they used to be.

And then, after hearing a promotion for Chiefs training camp (opening in barely two weeks -- my God, is football that close?  Really?  Sweet!), it hit me.

Football players get a preseason, to work out the kinks.
Baseball players get a spring training, to work out the kinks.
Basketball players get a camp, to work out the kinks.
I'm sure hockey players get something; I'd be lying if I said I knew what.

And I said to myself, "myself*?  Why not use the Big Brother Power Poll as a preseason for the NFL Picks post?"

Genius!

So, there's going to be some experimenting with this post, from now until the final version posts sometime in September.  But -- since I'm not the only one who could use a preseason -- the two overwhelming favorite parts of the picks post, are going to appear in the Big Brother Power Poll as well: the "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week, and "The Voice of Reason"'s Reason. 

This week's theme?  Every time I give somebody a card -- be it for Christmas, a birthday, a kid's birth, whatever -- I always include a theme song, to put into words how I feel about the person, and the milestone or occasion that just occurred in their life.  Each contestant, is getting a theme song.

Enjoy?

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(*: anyone who had freshman algebra with Mr. Freemyer, is laughing their ass off right now, at the "then I asked myself, "myself?", throwback to 1991.  (Pause).  My GOD, I am old!)

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Big Brother 16 Power Poll 2.0
Key: Rank.  Houseguest (1.0 Ranking).  Comments and thoughts.

16. Joey (8).  Our first eliminated houseguest, and honestly, since I do not believe in coincidence, I'll say it.  How awesome is it that the self-professed "huge liberal", and lover of all things Mr. Obama ("our nation's greatest President ever!"), is the first one to bite the dust?  

Just like her side's agenda, and just like everything Mr. Obama touches, this was one gigantic failure, debacle, and utter ruin of a strategory, pretty much right from the start, up to and including her "lumberjack brother Alex".  

(Note: I wish I was making those last eight words up out of thin air ... but sadly, I'm not.)  

Just like her side, she asks to be judged on intentions, not results.  Because if this nation ever takes ("the mother" voice) three deep breaths, then takes a step back, and look at what the last fifty years of virtually unchecked progressive policy have done to our nation -- especially our urban cores?  

Well, that's probably why liberals demand intentions, not results, are what matter. 

Because if results matter?  Joey's a failure.  Just like her beloved agenda, and her beloved President.

Joey's Power Poll 2.0 Theme Song: "Best of Intentions" by Travis Tritt:

"Please tell me you will remember,
No matter how much I do wrong?
That I had the best of intentions
All along ..."

Oh, and some free Stevo advice: honey?  Try some red hair.  Or green.  Anything but blue.  You look hideous with it.

15. Paola (15).  She survived the first eviction; I pray she won't survive the second.  This chick annoys the crap out of me.  

She's just one of those people in life, and we all have them, who just irrationally piss you off.  Maybe it's personality, maybe it's looks, maybe it's whatever, but we all have someone who irrationally annoys us.  Paola is the irrational irritation from this year's houseguests for me.

Paola's Power Poll 2.0 Theme Song: "Sail On" by the Commodores:

"Sail on down the line,
'Bout a half a mile or so,
And I don't really wanna know
Where you're going.

Maybe once or twice, you see
Time after time I tried to
Hold on to what we got,
But now you're going.

And I don't mind
About the things you're going to say.
Lord, I gave you all my money
And my time.

I know it's a shame,
But I'm giving you back your name.

I won't be back to stay,
I guess I'll move along.
I'm looking for a good time ..."

Still one of the greatest "eff you, I'm outta here" breakup songs ever written.

14. Devin (3).  I noted in Power Poll 1.0 that he "seems like the guy who'll make a double digit drop (in 2.0)", and go figure, he did!  This dude is creepy.  He's almost -- almost! -- the John Kerry of this year's cast.  And by that, I mean this:

Remember the 2004 election, when every speech, campaign ad, or appearance by Mr. Kerry, he noted that he had served in Vietnam?  Every time Devin sees a camera, he makes sure to note that he has a daughter. 

And since I share at least one thing in common with Devin (I am a certifiable expert, on being certifiably bat-sh*t crazy), every time I see this dude, I think two things.  

(1) How loony tunes crazy does the chick he knocked up have to be, that it leads Devin to give up his baseball career, to raise her as a single parent?  I mean, is this chick Dwayne Wade's ex-wife crazy?  It takes a lot for the courts to say "yup, dad should have full custody" instead of mom.  A lot.  How loony tunes crazy has this one-night stand gone horrifically wrong gotta be?  And 

(2) am I the only one, who ever time the word Devin appears, I immediately think of the Family Guy episode where Stewie gets big into tanning, and his new buddy is named Devin?  I swear, I even hear Stewie's voice every time his name is said.  Devin.  Admit it, you're thinking it right now, if you remember the episode.  I'm that damned good sometimes.

Devin's Power Poll 2.0 Theme Song: "Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons:

"Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart.
Weep, little lion man;
You're not as brave as you were at the start ..."

13. Christine (11).  This chick frightens me.  She strikes me as the stalker type who can't figure out a one night stand means one night only.  She's probably that girl, who texts you sixty times in the following couple days, before finally getting the hint.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, absolutely, I bet Devin's baby mama is one of those chicks.  Only he's just as loco in the cabeza as she probably is.

Christine's Power Poll 2.0 Theme Song: "Lil' Freak" by Usher (featuring Nicki Minaj):

"If you f*cking with me?
Really f*cking with me?
You go get some girls,
And bring 'em to me! ..."

("sweet jesus, it's" ed hochuli voice) That concludes the first quarter, of this week's Power Poll.

(And also ensures this earns at least a TV-14 rating, on the, uuh, Rating-O-Meter ...)

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And that brings us to the "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week!

For those of you unfamiliar with this segment, a quick refresher course.  Kevin Keitzman is the drive-time radio host on a sports talk radio station here in town.  He is also a former sports anchor for a local television station, and I think it is fair to say, he is someone that completely revolutionized sports talk in this town.  And whatever I may think of him (hint: this is not a tribute item), he'll always have my thanks -- and the thanks of thousands of others -- for getting Don "Cat Piss" Fortunato off the air and into a retirement he should have taken fifteen years before he did.  (To say nothing of that "retirement", giving us Jim "Cock O' The Walk" Rose for a few years, before he left to cover the "Sur" William Callahan era in Lincoln.  And yes, you all have NO idea how furious I am, that I didn't save the running commentary from The Bill Callahan Show, the week after Kansas dropped 76 on "Sur" Willy's Pink Shirts.)

The reason for the "Klassy" title, is because of an alleged incident that may or may not have occurred on a side street in Prairie Village nearly fifteen years ago.  Emphasis on the word allegedly.  Because if the alleged incident did occur, it makes him the biggest hypocrite on the air in this market, because there is nobody who pimps family values on the radio, more than Ol' Kev.  (And for once, the Ol' is going to make sense, in a minute or so.)

So every week for the Picks Post, I scroll through Ol' Klassy One's Twitter account, to see if any memorable or laugh-out-loud funny tweets, pictures, or random (brian griffin voice) what the hell? moments, are out there to react to.

Ol' Kev didn't disappoint.  (How could he?  He’s had six months to tee some material up for me.)

Here, peoples and peepettes, is your “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:



(image: me, via the Snag-It tool.)

Folks?  Let me count the ways, this is KLASSIC, “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman.

(OOH!  We're up to FOUR K's!  I am that damned good!)

1. He’s pimping a business.  Anyone who tunes into his show knows it’s basically one four-hour long infomercial for Jim Colbert’s golf course, the cookie diet, and that wood fire company he pimps.  So of course the Tweet O’ The Week, begins with a shout-out to a business that the Klassy One may or may not have a financial stake in.

2. He references his wife.  Who used to be an intern at his radio station.  While he was married to wife numero uno ... before the lovely Jessica, became wife numero dos.

(I should note: there is nothing I hate more in life, than rank hypocrisy.  People who present themselves as something they’re the exact opposite of.  I can only think of two people that are bigger frauds and phonies as to who they really are, than the Klassy One.  And that is not a compliment, for any of the three of them.)

3. He flat out admits he has a financial motivation, for tweeting this.  I have no problem whatsoever with making money, as much of it as you want.  I wouldn’t begrudge success on anyone, nor seek to punish the successful so that I can feel better about myself.  (Hence the D no longer being on my voter card.)  This is a rare moment of honesty for “K”KK, that rarely makes it into the four-hour long informercial he hosts.

4. He b*tches about spending money.  I love cheap-ass people who have no reason to be cheap.

5. He reveals how he really feels about the dog.  And apparently, he loves the pooch so much, he’s willing to feed it Ol’ Roy.

Ol’ Roy.  The Wal-Mart / Sam’s Club official dog food.

If you have never fed your dog Ol’ Roy, let me share with you a true story, from the Stubbs days, if only to demonstrate how repulsive, this brand of dog food is.

It was time to buy some more dog food, and it was Deadbeat Ex-Roommate’s** turn to buy.  Normally, his purchase was one of those small $5 bags that lasts two days between the three dogs.  (And then it’d be one of the paying roommates turn to buy.  I swear, that house is – not was, is – the gift that will never stop taking.)

He didn’t buy the $5 bag this time.

He bought a gigantic bag … of Ol’ Roy.

If you knew me back in the day, you remember “My Special Little Puppy”, the artist known as Rufus, as P-Diddy, the special needs dog known as Priest.  For those of you who didn’t know Master P, that dog would eat anything – food, grass, dirt, leaves, his own excrement, and on one painful lesson-learning occasion, a light bulb.

Priest took a sniff of the bowl of Ol’ Roy … and walked away.

Ol’ Roy: dog food so awful, my dog preferred eating a light bulb, to eating it!

Readers?  I really hope “Klassy” Kevin meant the four-legged creature in his house, when referencing feeding it Ol’ Roy.  I really hope he didn’t mean the former intern turned wife.

Because that would just be cruel.

And now, back to the Power Poll.

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(**: if you'd told me two years ago today, that I'd buy Deadbeat Ex-Roommate a beer if I ran into him, and would tell The Champ to go do something anatomically impossible, to himself, if I ran into him?  I'd have laughed you out of the room.  My God, how life changes on the fly.

I actually feel sorry for Deadbeat Ex-Roommate now ... and if anything, jealous.  He got out -- albeit forcibly -- before The Champ completely destroyed his life financially.)

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12. Victoria (7).  If this was a Family Guy episode, this is the point Peter would need a convenient distraction from Mister Conway Twitty.

Which makes her song, my favorite Conway diddy, “Slow Hand”:

“Darlin?  Don’t say a word!
‘Cause I’ve already heard!
What your body’s sayin’ to mine!

If you want it all night?
You know it’s alright –
I’ve got time!

You want a man with a slow hand!
You want a lover with an easy touch!
You want somebody who will spend some time,
Not come and go in a heated rush! …”

Admit it – a sixty-ish year old man singing about using his hand to pleasure a chica, is damned hysterical, to think about.

11. Hayden (9).  This guy is still around?  What has he done?  Has he had more than two minutes of camera time?  This season’s likely floater who, uuh, floats to the midpoint, before everyone realizes he’s there, and makes him the sacrificial lamb.

Plus, he’s creepy, in a “wait, have I seen this guy on “To Catch a Predator” before?” kind of way.

I’ll pick “Invisible Touch” by Genesis for him:

“Well I don’t really know her;
I only know her name.
But she crawls under your skin,
And you’re never quite the same …”

10. Jocasta (16).  I cannot believe I am about to say this … but this may be the first token angry black chick houseguest who hates whitey I haven’t completely hated, since Danielle way back in season three.

Which makes her song choice obvious – “I Hate EverythingAbout You” by Three Days Grace***:

“I hate everything about you!
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you!
Why do I love you? …”

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(***: I LOVE this song irrationally.  Irrationally!  (Pause).  I!  Hate!  Everything about you!  (Pause).  Why?  Do?  I love you?)

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9. Amber (12).  Well, give the initial numero uno in Power Poll, uuh, uno, credit for this: he’s found his target for his “bow chica bow wow, chica bow wow”, and his target is Amber.  And she’s cute.  But dude?  Can I give you some advice?

If the chica is proud of going a year without having sex, even once?  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh come on!  I’m not proud of it!  I’m embarrassed by it!  That’s it, you’re fired, Stevo’s Site Numero Dos Non-Existant Editor Dudette!  You’re gone-zo!  How dare you mock your boss like that!  Oy vey!  Dios con mio!

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh come on!  How is that sexual harassment?  I never hit you up for anything, and you never put anything out, Ms. Non-Existant Editor Dudette!  How dare you threaten me with a  lawsuit over your termina … (stevo checking his bank account balance) … welcome back!  I’ll even toss in your birth control to your health insurance plan, since that seems to be all you females under the age of forty give a sh*t about anymore, if you believe the mainstream media.

Anyways, Caleb?  Dude?  If the chick is proud of not having sex for a year?  She’s not gonna let you do, the song I chose for her, on night two.

For Amber, I give her “Ticks” by Brad Paisley:

“I know the perfect little path,
Out in these woods I used to hunt.
Don’t worry babe – I’ve got your back!
And I’ve also got your front!****

I’d hate to waste a night like this!
I’ll keep you safe – you wait and see!
The only thing allowed to crawl all over you,
When we get there?  Is me!

You know every guy in here tonight,
Would love to take you home.
But I’ve got way more class than them –
Babe?  That ain’t what I want!

I’d like to see you,
Out in the moonlight!
I’d like to kiss you,
Way back in the sticks!

I’d like to walk you,
Through a field of wild flowers!
And I’d sure like
To check you for ticks! …”

(al riberon voice) We have reached halftime!

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(****: I’ve always thought a different word than “front” should have been used there.  If you think about it, you’ll arrive at the word, I would have used, to end that lyric.  Classless and crass?  Oh hell yes.  But funny as hell if you have a sense of humor?  (sarah palin voice) You betcha!)

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8. Donny (14).  There is no contestant “The Voice of Reason” and I disagree on more, than this guy.  Gregg loves him.  I tolerate him. 

Then again, if you’d told either one of us a week ago, that we’d agree on a certain houseguest who ranks sky high on both of our rankings?  I’d have laughed you out of the room.  Either Mr. Reason has embraced tolerance and acceptance of all***** … or he recognizes quality humor, when he sees it, when we get to that houseguest.

For Donny, I gotta pick his fellow Carolinan’s classic, “I Don’t Remember Last Night” by Sunny Ledfurd:

“I don’t remember last night!
Did I fall in love,
Did I get in a fight?
I don’t remember last night –
Not a god d*mned thing! …”

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(*****: Mr. Reason is unconditionally accepting and tolerant of everyone who is not a certifiable asshat, racist, or hypocrite.  (Pause).  Fine, fine, fine – if he’ll tolerate me, remove asshat, from that listing.)

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7. Zach (6).  I can only think of one person I know, I want to punch in the balls, more than seeing Zach on my television screen, makes me want to punch his arrogant worthless ass, in the balls.  Because just like that one person in my life I’d love to deliver a (good ol’ jr voice) LOW BLOW! to?

I am 100% convinced, in both cases, that my fist would come flying out the back end of their asses, because there’s nothing up front, to block said fist.

This guy royally rubs me the wrong way.

(He’s also my pick to be the last houseguest standing.)

For Zach?  I pick an all-time classic, because at some point, this is going to apply to how he plays this game.  “Lawyers, Guns, and Money” by the late, great Warren Zevon, which gave us this popular catch-phrase nearly forty years ago, that is still awesome today:

“I’m hiding in Honduras;
I’m a desperate man.
Send lawyers, guns, and money –
The shit has hit the fan! …”

6. Cody (10).  Surprisingly likable so far. 


“I’ve had my moments!
Days in the sun,
Moments!
When I was second to none! …”

5. Brittany (4).  She’s either the hottest or second hottest chick on this season, depending on how you view numero tres upcoming in this poll.  Either way – can you go wrong with Brittany, or the chica about to appear at numero tres?  I say no.

I mean, my God, she’s cranked out three kids in eight years, and looks like she does?  Yo, Caleb!  THIS is the one, to be hitting on!

Her song?  A given.  “Drunk on You” by Luke Bryan:

“If you aint’ a 10?
You’re a 9 point 9.
Tippin’ and spillin’
That homemade wine,
On your tied up t-shirt …

Every little kiss?
Is driving me wild!
Throwin’ little cherry bombs
Into my fire!
Good God almighty!

Girl, you’re make my speakers go boom boom!
Dancin’ on the tailgate in a full moon!
That kind of thing?
Makes a man go uuuum hmmm! …”

(ron winter voice) We have reached the end of the third quarter!

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Here is “The Voice of Reason”’s Reason, his Power Poll for the week.  As always, Mr. Reason’s comments****** posted on this site are unedited, save for font and size:

16-Joey-Dear God was she awful...goodbye and good riddance...the only
downside of her leaving so soon was that we didn't get to hear zingbot 2000
roast her
15-Devin-Was an early favorite in my view...and upon further review is the
village idiot
14-Jocuantanita-Had her pegged early as an idiot and thus far have been
proved correct.
13-Hayden-He is completely worthless
12-Christine-It was intimated in the opening episode that she liked to get
naked....thus far, I can simply say she is a liar
11-Victoria-Super....Annoying
10-Paola-Prototypical floater
9-Cody-Can't tell the difference between him and Zach
8-Zach-Can't tell the difference between him and Cody
7-Caleb-Might have a decent shot of winning
6-Amber-3rd hottest chick of the season
5-Frankie-Was an early non-favorite of mine, but he's growing on me...still
don't know who the hell his sister is.
4-Nicole-2nd hottest chick of the season
3-Brittany-Hottest chick of the season
2-Derrick-Probably has the best chance to win
1-Donny-Perfect BB player and you have to like the NC State shirts

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(******: a quick side rant, also from the Picks Post: can we get a “Judgment Day With Judgment” Ray Adams, weekly Big Brother prediction ad?  Come on, KC Star, get on that!  Stat!

Or at least get Bill Gehr Motors to come out of retirement with the talking car hoods?)

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4. Caleb (1).  I can’t help it; I love the guy.  Is he a total deuschebag?  Of COURSE he is!  Is he a freaking tool?  Absolutely!  

Does he strike out more than I do at the Eclipse on a typical Tuesday, despite being the best looking dude in the joint?  

Hell yes he does!

I can relate to this dude!  

I’m not sure, that’s a positive, in the grand scheme of things ... but he is my puppy / pony / horsie / rubber chicken, in this race to the finish.

His song?  In honor of the most cool-looking tatted dude on this year’s Big Brother (sorry Devin and Cody; Caleb’s look cooler to me), “Tattoos On This Town” by Jason Aldean:

“There ain’t a corner of this hallowed ground?
That we ain’t laughed or cried on.
It’s where we loved, lived, and learned real life stuff –
It’s everything we’re made of!

It sure left its’ mark on us!
And we sure left our mark on it!
We let the world know we were here,
With everything we did!

We laid a lot of memories down,
Like tattoos on this town! …”

3. Nicole (2).  This girl gets me sprung in ways, few houseguests on this show ever have.  There’s just something about her that just totally, totally, totally, (berlin voice) takes my breath away.  I think she’s absolutely (bleeping) gorgeous.  All she’s missing is the diamond nose stud thingy, for me to reach creepy stalker status, over her.

Her song?  (Pause).  Well, crap.  I have to pick?  Really?  Can I give her two of them?  (Pause).  Sonofa … ok, fine, she gets the “classier” one.  Because the other pick was “(Bleep) Her Gently” by Tenacious D.  Instead, she gets “Like a Wrecking Ball” by Eric Church:

“That old house?  Is gonna be shaking!
I hope those bricks and boards can take it.
But I won’t be surprised, if the whole damned place just falls,
Because I’m gonna rock you baby – like a wrecking ball! …”

2. Frankie (13).  Without question – hang on, let me do that right.  (allard baird voice) Without question!  THE MVP so far, of the houseguests.  This dude is hysterical.  I love, and I mean LOVE, people who don’t take themselves seriously.  (Hey, that’s me!)  This guy makes me look thoughtful and smug, he’s so willing to mock himself, to make others laugh.  I’m not gay … but if I was?  I gotta admit, I’d be drawn to a dude like this.  You know who he honestly reminds me of?  (shoutout voice) Joe Knows Football.  Joe Knows NEVER fails to make me laugh, every time I see him, or every time he simply checks in, to see how life is going (and vice versa).  I love that guy irrationally.  Frankie is rapidly approaching Joe Knows status, and Donnie status, as a third Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Gay Dude Voice status.

And like Mr. Reason?  I have no f*cking clue, who his “famous” sister is.  But we’ll go with it.

Gotta go with Elton John’s song, that quite frankly, might be my favorite by him, just because of the “(bleep) you, you racists!” theme, as Frankie’s theme.  (Next week?  He's getting something Frankie Valli ... I swear.)

But this week?  One of the greatest "(bleep) you!" tracks ever:


“If you’re made in England?
You’re built to last.
You can still say homo,
And everybody laughs.

But the joke’s on you!
You never read the song!
They all think they know?
But they all got it wrong …”

1. Derrick (5).  He’s your favorite at this point, and deservedly so.  He’s played the best game so far, by far.  We’re fifteen, sixteen days in, and NOBODY has figured out yet he’s lying to them about who he is, what he does for a living, and even better, NOBODY suspects a thing!  NOBODY has a clue!

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Really?  Just like that, a random “what are the f*cking odds moment”, an email from someone just arrived, addressing this?

Well, you know I don’t believe in coincidence, so let’s see that email!

* “He’s the Jasson of Big Brother” – Brent S, Incorporated Johnson County.

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Really?  Another one?  Well send it through!

* “He’s the Jasson of Big Brother” – “Magic” Scott H, Somewhere Out There.

(Pause).  You’re kidding me!  Really?  A third?  Well send it through!

* “He’s the Jasson of Big Brother” – Adam T, Overland Park.

(Pause).  Oh come on!  (dana wright voice) For.  The. Love.  REALLY?  A fourth email?  Just randomly appeared as I’m typing this?  REALLY?  (Pause).  Fine, send it through!

* “Wrecked ‘em?  Damned near killed ‘em!” – Ross S, Tonganoxie.

OK, enough.  Just, enough.

Derrick’s (the late, great casey kasem voice) “long distance dedication”“I’m The Man” by Aloe Blacc:

“Well you can tell everybody,
Yeah you can tell everybody,
Go ahead, and tell everybody –
I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man!
Yes I am, Yes I am, Yes I am!
I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man!

I believe every lie that I’ve ever told!
And paid for every heart, that I’ve ever stoled!
I played my card, and I didn’t fold!
But it ain’t that hard, when ya got soul …

(This is my world!) …”

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Personal note to those of you who read this site regularly: my next two weeks are pretty backed up.  My newly hired help is gone on family vacation beginning Friday for ten days, so no time at work will be free the next couple weeks.  And once she gets back, I'll be spending the weekend of the 18th-20th helping my "Second Father" in his annual barbeque competition ... and celebrating my Real Father's 65th birthday.  Only one of those two things, I ever dared dream would happen, standing outside of Shawnee Mission Medical Center, come 5:30pm on Sunday, October 6th, of last year.  All I can simply say, once again, is that God is amazing.

So if there isn't a post for a few days?  Cut me some slack, and give me a second chance.

Like God gave every person who knows my dad -- most (selfishly) especially me -- 276 miraculous days ago.

God is truly amazing.  Damn if he isn't starting to get to me ... 

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