The Statisticals.
* Last Week SU: 14-2-0.
* Season to Date SU: 23-9-0.
* Last Week ATS: 6-10-0.
* Season to Date ATS: 15-18-1.
* Last Week Upset / Week: yikes.
* Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 0-2-0.
* Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 0-2-0.
* This Week Upset / Week: Bears (+3 1/2) over "Shane" Falcons.
The Non-Chiefs Predictions.
Let's rank the games this week, from 15 (most unwatchable) to 1 (most watchable). (Note: in case the section head didn't clue you in, the Chiefs get their own pick section, hence only 15 games to rank.)
And to accomplish this ... yeah, we gotta. It's been a while. Those of you familiar with these picks, know how these rankings are going to work. Might as well try to give you the $0.00 in content you come here to read once a week, at least once this month.
Because, after all ...
* "Good Times Game O' The Week": at Colts (-10 1/2) 41, Jets 13. Ain't we lucky we got 'em? (Na na na na na!) Good Times!!!!!!!!!
For those unfamiliar with the Sh*-Sit-Com Ranking System from years past, the worst games on the board would be designated the (insert god awful 70s /80s sh*t-sit-com here) Game O' The Week, because any person with an IQ above room temperature would rather watch three straight hours of this "classic" sitcom, than watch even one second of this NFL offering.
(The joke, of course, being that I actually like most of these sitcoms, especially "Good Times" at the beginning, and especially "Benson" at the ending. But whatever. They're all sh*t-sit-com-tacular!)
Get ready America -- the Jets are in prime time next week. At (likely) 0-3. Against another (likely) 0-3 team. On a short week to boot. Jesus. What did I ever do to deserve this?
* "ALF Game O' The Week": 49ers (-5) 27, at Giants 3. It is truly sad how far this once epic rivalry has fallen.
* "Empty Nest Game O' The Week": at Browns (-7) 31, Redskins 20. Not even friends, family, and paid to attend media want a part of this action.
* "Webster Game O' The Week": at Jaguars (-3) 27, Dolphins 20. This actually is one of the toughest games on the board to prognosticate. Seriously. These are two fairly evenly matched teams. If (when?) Miami loses this one, they have to start thinking it's Tua Time. And no, I didn't say Tuna (rimshot!).
* "Too Close For Comfort Game O' The Week": at "Super" Chargers 20, Panthers (+7 1/2) 14. Speaking of too close for comfort, Tyrod Taylor and a physician's needle everyone (rimshot!). (Pause). What, too soon?
In all seriousness, this site wishes Mr. Taylor all the best. Because we saw Justin Herbert last Sunday. And he ain't Herbert the Pervert from "Family Guy", that's for sure. Get back on the field soon, Tyrod! We miss you taking your team out of contention before kickoff!
* "Mama's Family Game O' The Week": Bears (+3 1/2) 24, at "Shane" Falcons 14. We're about two more losses from the lights going out in Dan Quinn's employment status, let alone the state of Georgia.
* "Blossom Game O' The Week": at "Super" Cardinals (-6) 35, Lions 20. The Arizona "Super" Cardinals are about to go to 3-0, with the Panthers (at home) and Jets (on the road) up next. We are living in a world where it is highly probable the Arizona "Super" Cardinals will be 5-0 going to Dallas in a month for their Monday Nighter against the Cowboys.
There's only one word to accurately describe that.
"Whoa!"
* "The Facts of Life Game O' The Week": at Eagles (-6 1/2) 31, Bengals 20. You take the good! You take the bad! You take them both? And then you have?
This sh*tshow. Be it the sitcom, or the game this Sunday.
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Note: we are now at the midpoint; every game left (seven in this section, plus the Chiefs / Ravens) I would give up three plus hours to watch every minute of. Every game before this? I'd opt for three plus hours of the sitcom designation. Still, in fairness -- giving us 50% quality on-field play (or at least off-field hype) in Week Three is not bad. Especially given every uncertainty that went into this season simply getting underway.
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* "Gimme A Break Game O' The Week": Rams (+2 1/2) 24, at Bills 21. If there were 70,000 Bills Mafia in the stands, I'd probably wager differently. But at an empty Ralph, in late September (pre-awful weather), I'll take the SoCal kids to not crack the stadium floor. I mean, if Nell Carter managed to avoid doing that for six years, surely the Rams can for six hours, right?
* "Night Court Game O' The Week": Texans (+3 1/2) 26, at Steelers 17. The fact this line is less than four means way too many gamblers agree with me, that Houston is really underrated (or the Steelers are really overrated, or both) coming into this one. The Texans are not 0-2 bad -- facing the Chiefs and Ravens tends to do that to you. The Steelers are not 2-0 good -- facing the Giants and those people tends to do that to you. If there's a God, somehow Markie Post either sings the Anthem or tosses the coin. Ms. Post has to be involved in this contest somehow. Because we all need some Markie Post in our lives.
* "Designing Women Game O' The Week": Titans (-2 1/2) 28, at Vikings 17. What? Derrick Henry has a lil' Julia "I Don't Take Sh*t From Nobody" Sugarbaker in him!
* "Diff'rent Strokes Game O' The Week": at those people (+6) 20, Buccaneers 19. There is not one sane, sensible reason for this pick.
Other than this:
And this:
And this:
Provided mentally challenged those people head coach vic fangio doesn't f*ck up his timeouts again, I'll take the home team with its' back to the wall, against the road team starting a quarterback my age, a mile high above sea level.
Hey. Diff'rent Strokes for Diff'rent Folks.
* "Small Wonder Game O' The Week": at Seahawks (-5) 41, Cowboys 13. The Cowboys would be 0-2 if anyone other than Dan Quinn or vic fangio coached the "Shane" Falcons. And quite frankly, I think even vic fangio is smart enough to coach his players to touch an onside kick when it's right in front of you. The Seahawks pounded Dan Quinn's "Shane" Falcons, and survived the Patriots by showing the common sense to know a last-play attempt to tie at the two would put the ball in Cam Newton's hands.
This one smells like a game that spirals out of control early, and really spirals out of control late.
* "Amen Game O' The Week": at Saints 21, Packers (+3 1/2) 20. Drew Brees is not washed up, nor is he showing its' age. The raiders defense simply showed its' talent.
* "Benson Game O' The Week": at Patriots 31, raiders (+6 1/2) 28. I believe I severely underrated the raiders this season. (I have them going 8-8, albeit controlling their own destiny entering the finale at fake mile high.) I also believe I underrated the Patriots this season. (I have them going 9-7, winning the AFC East, then getting destroyed yet again in the Wild Card game.) This, on paper, is going to be one wildly entertaining contest. Thank you, KCTV-5, for carrying this one.
And yes, complimenting -- let alone thanking -- Channel 5 for anything related to Chiefs coverage, is something I never imagined I'd do again in my lifetime.
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
Admit it, life just isn't the same without my weekly (coach don fambrough voice) throwdown, hoedown, showdown, takedown of Senor No Los Pantalones.
In case you all missed it, Ol' Kietz has gotten back into broadcasting following his long overdue kick to the curb by Union Broadcasting last summer. He has a podcast up called -- and no folks, this is not a joke -- a podcast up called "Kevin Kietzman Has Issues".
I mean, talk about setting up the (rimshot!)! That would be the equivalent of me launching a podcast called "Stevo Is An Alcoholic". I believe that would simply be called "stating the obvious".
Anyway, it's actually a pretty good podcast, considering the author, and I encourage you to give it a shot, especially the episode where Kaptain Klassy lays out his side of his, uuh, layoff.
And for this week, that's it. Let's all be thankful "K"KK is back, and do our part to help him keep spewing out the inept, incompetent, "these make no sense whatsoever!" takes that defined Klueless Kev's thirty plus years on Kansas City's television and radio airwaves.
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The Tailgating AND Watching Party Plans.
So here's the thing. For those of you who don't know me ... count your blessings! Nah, I kid. For those of you who don't know me, I am a twenty plus year Chiefs season ticket holder (with the lovely hat from last season to prove it!), and believe me when I say, there were few games I ever anticipated more in my life, than that opener against Houston a couple weeks ago.
I anticipated a fun day of tailgating on a lovely 90 degree early September afternoon, a solid fifteen minute cry / section area hug when the Championship Flag was raised, and a thoroughly enjoyable 41-14 beatdown of the overmatched Texans, witnessed from my beloved seat in Section 132, Row 26, Seat 14.
I got none of that. For starters it was barely 50 and rained all day here in Kansas City on September 10th. Secondly, the Texans were feisty enough to make the game "entertaining" for most of the evening. And finally, the closest I came to my seat on September 10th was when I went straight through (pick one) the intersection of 63rd and Blue Ridge Cutoff, or the intersection of 63rd and Raytown Trafficway, on the way to my Second Parents house.
Because COVID 19, coupled with numerous other bullsh*t, has (stewie griffin voice) roo-eened the in-person experience for myself, most (if not all) of my tailgating group and other season ticket holding friends, and no doubt a lot of you, for this 2020 season.
I finished paying the Chiefs for my seat on June 15th. I allowed the Chiefs to roll forward, per their "agreement" with us Season Ticket Members, all monies paid for my seat to the 2021 season, thus requiring me to re-buy a seat I've already paid for, at approximately 400% more than I already paid to sit there.
And to that I say ... I'm OK with it.
Because while spending a Lazy Sunday floating poolside with friends, family, friends that are family, and a few random dudes and dudettes who showed up, we hit upon our plan for the 2020 NFL Season.
Screw paying the Chiefs, the NFL, and anyone else a 400% markup on seats we've already bought and paid for.
We'll HomeGate the entire season.
And rotate it, amongst our tailgate friends, family, friends that are family, and random one-offs who show up just for the f*ck of it.
Which is what we began, two weeks ago, against the Texans. And to be fair, the "HomeGate" sucked, not because of any fault of ours, but because it was 50 and raining. Who in their right mind wants to be outside playing Beer Pong or Washers or Cornhole in the rain? (And spare me the "use the garage!" rebuttal. You've never seen my Second Parents' Garage. They can't even fit a car in there, it's so packed in.) But the food was good, we made (dave matthews band voice) the best of what's around, and most importantly, got to spend time with our local tailgating folks while enjoying a Chiefs win.
Which is what we did again Sunday, up at Tom and Laurie's. The menu for the opener was "Watson's Whataburgers", or as most of you would refer to them as, Sloppy Joe's. The menu for Sunday was Charger Chicken; you don't f*ck with the "Core Three" tailgating menus. (Those being Charger Chicken, raider ribs, and bronco burgers.)
This Monday, we'll be at Gus' for the HomeGate. The menu as of now is pulled pork and sides, plus whatever liquid refreshment you desire. Weather permitting, we'll be outside. As always, anyone and everyone is welcome to join in; just DM me if you need directions.
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The Chiefs Prognostication.
Well this sucks.
For the record, I should be typing this either on a plane headed to Baltimore, or from a hotel room somewhere along the Baltimore waterfront. This was one of three Chiefs road games I had planned to attend in person this season -- with a fourth trip to our "good friends" who allegedly play a mile high above sea level always on the table.
(The other two would have been a nice half month vacation in December -- fly to South Florida for the Dolphins game, spend a week headed along the Gulf coast, slowly yet steadily, until arriving in New Orleans for the Saints game, before heading home via Dallas for a few days to get home for Christmas. Damn you, COVID 19! God d*mn you to the eighth layer of hell! (Or, as that layer is known on this site: fake mile high stadium.))
Yeah, this sucks. I mean, (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day, when Mr. Reason / Jasson / bts and I (or some combination of us) went on road trips, the big deal was the pregame meal the night before the game. We were all in our 20s, all but Jasson amongst us had no family or kid commitments, and we tried to do it up right. Always picked a classy, high dollar restaurant ... and of course, showed up trashy in Chiefs jersey, zubaz pants or shady blue jeans (or in my case, khakis that had seen better days -- I don't wear jeans), that on most Saturday or Sunday nights would have gotten us kicked out of the joint ... only there were so many other Chiefs fans there with the same idea, the restaurant had to let us in.
To this day, it's a tradition I try to maintain. Any road trip to Houston means Willie G's the night before the game. Any roadie to Dallas requires some Uncle Julio's. (Which may not be the classiest Mexican joint in the Metroplex ... but it's the best.) There's an awesome fish market called Mitchell's just across from the stadium in Cincinnati. St. Elmo's in Indy. Giordano's in Chicago.
I was so looking forward to some same day oysters on the shell, with some fresh crab cakes, or a clam bake, coupled with a couple bottles of insanely overpriced Pinot Grigio on Sunday night. I was looking forward to spending Saturday in our nation's Capital, a place I haven't been to since pre-9/11. I was looking forward to seeing the Inner Harbor, possibly catching a game at Camden Yards (I believe the Orioles were supposed to close their 2020 season at home under the initial 2020 MLB schedule), see the home of Edgar Allan Poe (not to be confused with David Allan Coe). So many plans to cram into so little time, and none of it going to happen.
All due to a virus noone on planet Earth had heard of one year ago today, let alone nine months ago today.
As John Lennon once famously wrote and sang: "life is what happens to you, when you're busy making other plans".
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So ... having gotten that rant out of the way, let me note why there was no "The Flashback" this week.
Because the obvious flashback is Week Four, 2004. And that frankly, is a period of time I have no desire to relive.
That Monday Nighter was the last game of my Chiefs fandom as I knew it. And even now, sixteen years later, it's amazing to realize not just all that was lost the next day, but all from that actual GameDay Night experience itself, that is probably gone forever as well.
There is nothing positive to be drawn out from "The Flashback" this week, so I pretty much chose to skip it.
If you know me?
You'll get it.
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But I do have to make a pick for this game.
For the record, this season I am 2-0 SU picking the Chiefs, and 0-2 ATS picking the Chiefs. I thought the Texans would put up a better fight; I thought the Chargers would be beaten like the proverbial government mule Good Ol' JR was always talking when he broadcasted WWE's Monday Night Raw.
The line as I wrote it down Tuesday night was Ravens -3. I don't expect it to move much, if at all, so I'm not going to relook it up again. I'll stick with -3. Which is about perfect. (Although anyone who thinks the Ravens would cover three at a legitimate Arrowhead, is certifiably insane.)
The Chiefs have lost the last three roadies I've attended, and five of the last six, over the last three seasons. (The only W being the Monday Nighter against those people in 2018 -- or as the figurine dangling from my rear view mirror forces you to remember, the "Left Handed Pass Game".) Sh*t, I was in attendance the last time the Chiefs lost a game anywhere -- in Nashville last November.
Would the losing skid of me attending road games have ended Monday Night? We'll never know. But I know how I would have bet ... and it's why I'm betting this.
* "Perfect Strangers Game O' The Week": Chiefs (+3) 30, at Ravens 24.
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