“I don't have to be anything other
Than the birth of two souls in one.
Part of where I'm going?
Is knowing where I'm coming from.
I don’t want to be anything
Other than what I’ve been
Trying to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me,
And I have peace of mind.
I’m tired of looking around rooms,
Wondering what I’m supposed to do,
Or who I’m supposed to be.
I don’t want to be anything
Other than me ...”
-- “I Don’t Want to Be” by Gavin DeGraw. The anthem of my life. I was privileged enough to see this at KC Live on July 15th, and it’s five minutes of my life I will never forget. 2011 was a good year. Because of not just things like seeing Gavin at Power and Light, but because of, and completely due to, the people that make life worth living. For Post 500 ... thank you. Seriously, thank you. To all of you, who read this site, who know me, who support me, who stand by me, who simply desire to be nothing “other than you”, or at least enjoy the hell out of me being nothing "other than me" ... thank you. I treasure you all, no matter how minor an impact in my life you might think you play ...
---------------------------------
Every year, the “Annual Column” gets harder and harder to write. And that’s a very good thing.
I am way too blessed in life to have this many people I can genuinely call my friends, my family, the people who make this life worth living. I do not deserve all that I have, that is for sure. If I was a cat, I’d be on my eleventh life by now, given how much I’ve screwed up in my past and my present.
But the future? Is always optimistic, because of the people I am going to attempt to thank in some small way below. As always, if I ignore someone, I sincerely apologize. Again, I have so many people to thank that this post could reach “the next great American novel” size proportions if I wrote how I feel about everyone.
So allow me to change the traditional opening (sorry mom and dad), and choose to open with this:
* This is the 500th post on this site. Unreal. This site started because (a) the 2008 conventions were coming up, (b) I knew I’d be recapping them on email every day, so (c) why not shorten the email to a one-line link to my thoughts? It made total, complete, rational sense to me.
Since then, its evolved into a look into who I am, and since so many of my readers compose the material I write about, a look into who you are as well, and for that, I am very thankful. Believe me, without “Dustyland”, I’d only be on about post 325 right now (rimshot!)
So to all of you, thank you for 500 posts, 3 ½ years of blogging, and please, keep the comments and reactions coming, be they here in the comments section, or on email (at teamtito15@yahoo.com), or on Twitter (@teamtito15). They’re always appreciated, no matter how negative they are. I’d rather be hated than ignored.
* Now we’ll get back to the more traditional format, by (as always) thanking the two people whose night of fun, tomfoolery, hijinks, and failure to use protection resulted in me. To my mom and dad, the two greatest (and most patient, understanding, and incredible) parents a kid could have, thank you for the gift of life, thank you for your love and support, no matter how much I f*ck up, and most of all, thank you for showing that a marriage can be a partnership, that marriage isn’t doomed to failure, and I know I for one can’t wait until the massive bash we put on for anniversary number forty next summer. (I trust Drew has the cost covered, right? Right? (crickets chirping ...))
* To my brother, thank you for all that you’ve done this past year. Thank you for being the best friend a guy could ever hope to have. We’ve come a long way from “bashing my head repeatedly against the window sill”. Thanks.
* To your better half, wow. I never imagined a little less than ten years ago, when Drew texted me that “ive found the one”, and found out “the one” was his local bartender, that he could have gained someone as incredible as you. Well, maybe I should have known – of COURSE someone in our family would know the perfect bartender to make his partner in life.
* To the twins, watching you two grow the last year has been amazing. (Even if I still only manage about a 50/50 average in telling the two of you apart. In my defense, if your mom would put a R on Reghan, and a F on Fallyn, Laverne and Shirley style, it’d be so much easier. That, or Reghan? Just start sucking your thumb constantly, that’s the key to telling you two apart). Hearing Fallyn say “uncle!” when I sat down next to her on Christmas Eve might have been the high point of my year.
* To “My Special Little Guy”, who somehow is turning four in a couple months ... where has the time gone? How are you going to be four? It seems like yesterday that I was violating every traffic law known to man, including driving on the curb in rush hour, to make your delivery on time. As always buddy, I’ll deny it if anyone ever calls me on it, but “Unca Teve” plays favorites ... and you’ll always be my favorite.
* To “The Voice of Reason” and his better half, thanks for another amazing year. Sadly, I never got a breakfast burrito this year. That’s gonna change in 2012, even if I have to force it to happen at “stevo using his finger like a gun” point. Another “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” relationship – who’d have thunk you’d meet someone as amazing as Ashley at a wedding reception on St. Patrick’s Day? (And for anyone who doubts how amazing this girl is, let the following fact sink in. Ready? Here goes: we tailgated at her wedding. How many brides are like “yeah honey, its totally cool if you and your friends want to go to the parking lot, at a church, and get sh*t faced drunk for the next two hours, before we face the minister! I’m totally down with that!” I’m going to guess, not many. I love girls that are keepers. Just like I’ll always look back in awe at your husband never giving up on me, no matter how easy it would have been at times. Thank you.
* To “The Kid”, who even if the first digit of your age now matches mine again, you’re still “The Kid” ... or “The Self Proclaimed Champ” ... whatever’s clever, anyways, let’s just say, March 5, 2011 was a day I’d have bet every cent of my future earnings on never happening. And I couldn’t be happier to have p*ssed away that $82! Because ...
* When you have a chance to hitch yourself for life (or something like that) to the likes of a girl like “boasheao”, you HAVE to do it. You HAVE to. Holy cow man, I can’t believe how far beyond your coverage you have kicked. And I couldn’t be happier that you have.
I figure we got one last solid summer of fun left as “The Family”, before you two actually, you know, form a legitimate family. Here’s to believing 2012 lives up to the hope and the promise it has (at least in my eyes).
* And to the fourth member of “The Family”, who would be “The Ex”, thanks for a great year, one of the funnest summers of my life, and for being you. Good luck with the new relationship, and for the love of God, hit the f*cking headpin more often in the new year, ok? If only so that we don’t have DJ blaming us if we blow a league championship.
* To “The Crush” ... yes, it’s a “crush”. Christ, I threw together the crappiest mistletoe ever constructed in the history of mankind just to steal one kiss on Saturday (and I make zero apologies for it). I knew the second I met you that you were a keeper. Life is what it is, and I wish you nothing but the best out of it. If only because you deserve it after the “Stubbs Experience”, and sweet Jesus, do you deserve it after what he put you through.
* There are plenty more friends and family and “Chiefs family” to get to ... but sadly, we lost a giant this year. I guess technically, we lost Greg last year, when he suffered his stroke during the bye week, but kept fighting and hanging in there for a little over a year, before passing this past October. Life is way too damn short, hence part of the reason for this column, so that at least once a year, I record for as long as an Internet exists what I feel about the people I care for. Section 132 will never be the same, and yes, it pains me that I typed those words only seven years ago about Randy as well. Chris, Dr. Frank, hang in there. We’ve got your back. Always.
* To Russ and Mona, my second parents, thank you for your continued friendship, kindness, hospitality, and couch to crash on after a glass or two too many. Most importantly, thank you for your friendship.
In case I’ve never put the “how did Sunday Funday at the Pool come to be” in type before ... well, I posted earlier this year on what “Double Header Day” means, and the second of those, in August of 2003, it was so freaking hot that night at the Vikings game, that I got the “hey, why not swing by the pool after you go to the Royals game tomorrow?” So, I swung by ... and wouldn’t dream of spending a 100 degree Sunday in July anywhere else (other than maybe the first few hours of it tailgating at a Royals game). Ten years. Unbelievable. I am way too lucky and blessed in this life.
* To a few “Pool Folks”, and I’m combining a few to save space, thank you for all you bring to the table, especially come about 6:30, 7pm on a Sunday evening when Russ gets done smoking or grilling on the West Wing. I know I’m going to forget at least three people, but here goes my best effort at remembering everyone: Tom and Laurie and your kids, Mike and Christy and your kids, Stacey and Jose and your kids, and whatever obvious people I’m missing, I’m definitely looking forward to that magical Friday in April when I get the call to “help us open the pool in style!”
* To Susan, or Sussan, or Pam, or ... to Susan, I’m glad you’re in this group. Sometimes the best things in life, emerge from something you can’t envision ending positively. What can I say, sh*t happens. Glad you’re a part of us.
* To the Chiefs tailgating crew, and wow, I’m gonna miss at least 3 or 4 people in this grouping, but thank you for making the “second generation” of tailgating even sweeter than the first. And here’s to believing that in 2012, we get back on track, return the AFC West championship where it belongs, to One Arrowhead Drive, and have not 10, not 11, but 12 fun home games (at least 10 of which I plan to attend. Sorry, until I see what sh*tty squads compose our preseason slate, or see that “Yes!!! Double Header Day!!!” exists, I refuse to commit to preseason football). So, to (ok, here we try ...) ... Phil, Grandma, Texas, and the rest of their crew, Roger and his crew next to us, Castro and his delinquents across from us, Anthony and Jaimmie, Michael, Ana, Paul, and whoever else from your group I inadvertently omitted, Tyler, Will and Robin, “Tony and Lisa” (yes, I know: Jeff and Paula) ... and anyone I missed, please, you are always welcome to join us for a Sunday of fun.
* To the “first generation” Chiefs tailgating crew that has moved on to its own deal, you’re missed, and I still love ya. So to Bill and Vessie, Joe and Robert, Debbie, Beth, Davey and Tracey and your kids, Jennifer and Tony, even Maria, here’s hoping 2012 goes really well for y’all, and I at least wish each of you nothing but the best as the new year dawns.
* To the “57th Terrace Regulars”, and I’m lumping three of you into the group, thank you for all that you are, for the comic relief at least two of you provide, and for the friendship, love and support you all provide. Thank you Nancy, Griffin, and Donnie. And yes, THE unintentional comedy moment of the year had to be Donnie’s reaction to meeting Damien for the first time. Speaking of “Doc” ...
* To “The Kid’s” friends and family that I am grateful to know, Merry Chrismukkah, Happy New Year, and “don’t be a stranger” wishes and dreams to Damien and his lovely other half, to Mark and Sarah (congratulations!), to Mickey and Amy and Owen (congratulations!), Brett, and to Aunt Vickie and Beth, best of all to you all. Especially Vickie and Beth, that trip to Scottsbluff and the tailgate for the Royals / Cardinals game was way too much fun!
* Which means I added another Vickie (I apologize if I botched the spelling) this year too, in “boasheao”’s mom and her dad Bill, plus her brother Wade. I don’t say this often about someone, and maybe I’m stepping out on a foot thick limb here ... but you won’t regret adding Dusty to your lives. And I’m glad to add you to mine.
* OK, now the other ex-roommate’s friends to give praise to, most of which I count as my own as well. To Brent, congrats champ! If I had to cede my spots on G’s couch to anyone, I’m glad it was you, you deserve it. And good luck with the whole marriage thing. If the last few friend’s weddings I’ve seen planned out are a guide, I’d suggest you invest heavily in vodka sales the next few months, you’ll definitely want some. To Jasson and Tara and the kids, best wishes in the new year. And to Brent’s friends from Carolina, Mark and Will and Jared, we definitely gotta take in a KU game again ... in a Snuggie ... after a few drinks with Brent’s awesome folks. I definitely want a “Mark-a-Rita” come next September at Harbor Lights. (brent voice) Christ Stevo, that was TURRIBLE! Even by your standards! (stevo reply voice) uuh, yeah, that might be the worst joke I’ve ever typed ...
* To my ex-TA friends, I wish I’d seen you more this past year, but again, sh*t happens, life evolves, but it’s still sweet to keep track of what happens with you, even if we aren’t spending every Friday night getting bombed at P Otts anymore. So, to Hadley and Shari, Brett and Shannon, Heath and Sarah, Phil and Lacey (congrats!), my old boss Mary, Scott and Rachelle (muy congratulations!), Tim, and everyone I’m forgetting (and odds are, if I didn’t mention you, I currently work with you, because “social media policy” at “stevo’s current employer” is too ridiculous to name-drop either people or corporations), thank you for helping shape me into the absolutely mediocre corporate flunkie that I am! (At last count, I work with 12 – 12! – ex-Transamerica employees. The talent drain the shutdown left behind? Is why TA is in the sh*tter. Stunner – you shut down 700 plus talented, competent people, and your business dries up. What a SHOCKER!!! I could turn the rest of this post into a “why corporate America is THE single greatest evil in the world today” post, but why bother – even Satan is nodding his head in agreement at that previous statement.)
* Two more before we hit the free-for-all finale. Congrats to my cousin Kristin, for marrying one helluva great guy in Bryan last month. And I’m not just saying that because I got to spend hours on the beach in November. (OK, fine, that’s at least 11% of the reason for the shout-out. Fine, fine, 12%.) Also, so glad that I got to see the whole extended family on my dad’s side for the first time in a long time, including my uncle Bruce and aunt Marsha, my aunt Gail (always my favorite aunt), my cousin Spencer and his wife Sam, my cousin Jordan, and my cousin Zach (told you we’d have your back at the bar). Plus the extended family – Fred and Nancy, Skip and Sandy, and because anytime you can legitimately ask as a minister walks in the door “wait, is he wearing assless chaps?”, you HAVE to show up. God I love Miami. Let’s pray the schedule works favorably and the Chiefs and Dolphins both finish in 3rd next year, to ensure a return visit.
* And also to my favorite cousin, Brooke, and her husband Craig. God bless it I wish y’all lived in KC instead of Milwaukee ... but then, I wouldn’t have my winter get-away for a Bucks game disguised as a “spend time with my favorite family members” vacation.
* Time for the final shout-outs. To my buddies, friends, amigos, pals, descomisatos ... Neeck, Phil and Jenny, fantasy football folks, fantasy basketball folks, Cassie, Kelli (I think I spelled it right), Kaela, our float trip neighbors from hell on Floatapalooza Uno this summer (although I liked 3 of you! Its just your fourth who drove our group bat sh*t crazy), my co-workers Steve and Carol, (insert ex-Transamerica people here), Ginny, Courtney, Lucy, Pat, Brad, to my bowling league friends Penny, DeHart, Ash and Cam, Ammie, Dale and Susan, the Hoxsie’s, Mark, Wayne (our Gate 6 overseer as well), the Shepherds and Graham, Daryl, the Pink Ladies, the McPeek’s. To Pickell, my gambling buddy at all hours of the day. To anyone else I’ve forgotten, thank you for the year that was.
A year that opened with a Chiefs playoff home game for the first time since 2003. A year that closed with a brutal home defeat that cost us a home playoff game (potentially). Had one helluva run in between, a lot of things chronicled on this site for your amusement, your enjoyment, and your “thank God I’m not this f*cked up!” satisfaction.
I enjoyed the hell out of 2011, thanks to all of you mentioned above, as well as the unmentioned who read this site on a daily / weekly / monthly / “somehow I stumbled onto this” basis. Thank you for all that you mean to me, and I truly do mean that. I am nothing without all of you. “Either we live together, or we die alone”. I’d much rather live together. If only because (the beatles voice) in my life, I have loved you all ...
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
chiefs! raiders! where "anyone but denver!" happens ...
“Baby I thought you and me would stand the test of time.
Like we got away with the perfect crime.
But we were just a legend in my mind.
I guess that I was blind.
Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade?
The clowns wore those smiles that wouldn’t fade?
You and I were the renegades,
And some things never change.
It made me so mad cause I wanted it bad for us baby.
Now it’s so sad cause whatever we had ain’t worth saving ...
If the love that I’ve got for you is gone?
If the river I’ve cried ain’t that long?
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong,
And this ain’t a love song.
If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Ain’t the reason I’m holding on?
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong,
And this ain’t a love song ...”
-- “This Ain’t a Love Song” by Bon Jovi.
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First of all, congratulations to the oakland raiders. Whatever I may think of what I paid to witness yesterday, they earned that win. Romeo Crennel threw every damned thing in the arsenal at oakland’s offense. Truly, the Chiefs defensive effort yesterday was one of the most epically coached games I have ever seen. We made one mistake all day long on defense.
Unfortunately, that mistake occurred at the one moment we couldn’t allow it to occur, on a gorgeous 55 yard bomb to open overtime from carson palmer to darrius heyward-bey, setting up the raiders in gimme field goal position, and finally putting the finishing nails into the coffin of the Chiefs 2011 season.
But up until that play? The atmosphere in that stadium, the play on the field, for anyone who ever wonders what it was like in the 1990s, what it was like in the Marty years, to play at Arrowhead? THAT is what it was like. I loved it. Except for, you know, the whole ending to the game.
Having said that, there were three things made painfully obvious in that game yesterday, three things that the euphoria over shocking the Packers hid for a week, but the raiders drug out into the middle of the room and put on full display for all Chiefs fans to deal with, and those three things are this:
1. Romeo Crennel has as much business being a head coach as I do. After not overruling that fourth down QB (non) sneak? FIREABLE offense. CAPITALIZATION on FIREABLE. Because sorry Romeo, I love what you did with the D the last two years, but when you FLUNK Stevo Rule 34, I have no use for you. Sorry. It's over. Do not pass go, do not collect your $200, and for f*cks sake, figure out that on fourth and a godd*mned chain link, you do NOT call a 7 yard delayed handoff, you FALL FORWARD and take the godd*mned chain link!
Seriously, I have not been that outraged at a playcall by the Chiefs at Arrowhead, since either (a) the fake punt against denver in 2009, or (b) not going for 4th and 1 against denver in 2002. Both of those games led to epic Stevo meltdowns and multiple sick days from me drinking the disgust away. Color me shocked that I managed to crawl out of bed for Chrismukkah today. Shocked.
2. Bill Muir has less business being the play caller than a five year old who has to wear a padded helmet for his own protection. Either Muir is mentally retarded, or he's suffering from senility. Those are the only two acceptable explanations for that fourth down play call with seven to play, down 4, near midfield, on 4th and a chain link. Either he's mentally retarded, or he's lost his mind. Either way, he's not qualified to call plays. Oh, and ...
3. Whatever it costs, the Chiefs MUST acquire a franchise quarterback this offseason. If that means dealing multiple first round picks, do it. If that means tossing in established players to sweeten the deal, do it. Scott Pioli, what you saw yesterday should make painfully obvious to you that the Matt Cassel experiment will not work. You MUST pay WHATEVER the cost is to acquire a franchise quarterback, and you MUST do it by the time the Chiefs are on the clock on the last Thursday in April.
I’m not here today to bash the Chiefs effort – it was perfect yesterday. And in many ways, I’m here today to give genuine praise to these guys. Who would have ever thought, walking into the Vikings game three months ago, that the Chiefs would be one 49 yard field goal attempt away from controlling the fate of the division? (Or more specifically, one dropped gimme touchdown pass by Dwayne Bowe in the second quarter. If the Chiefs franchise Bowe instead of Brandon Carr, the fanbase should march en masse to One Arrowhead Drive, and refuse to leave until Scott Pioli is either fired or lynched, and I don’t give a damn which option Clark Hunt chooses. For the record, I vote "lynch", there's no hope for you if you opt for Bowe over Carr, so just pull the f*cking plug.)
As I noted before heading in yesterday, whatever happens, these guys never quit. They never gave up. Even to the bitter end, after bey made the catch and every person in the stadium knew oakland was going to win, the defense still forced the raiders to lose yardage on the next two plays (janikowski kicked the game winner on 3rd down). They fought to the bitter end. For that, I will always be grateful for the 2011 Chiefs. If nothing else, we know the make-up of this team is set for years to come. They aren’t soft, like the Herm era Chiefs. They don’t lay down on defense, like the Vermeil era Chiefs. They don’t look completely befuddled and confused, like the Gunther era Chiefs.
For the first time since 1997, we have a team with the proper emotional make-up to win in this league. Now all we need to do is get a quarterback that plays at a franchise-type level when it matters most, with the game on the line. Oh, and a head coach whose name is not Romeo Crennel.
As always, here’s your (slightly later than) morning after recap ...
* Something I forgot to mention from last week: some dude trying to see all 31 NFL stadiums, made his way around before the Packers game, and posted some pretty sweet pics of our tailgating setup on his website. Phil and “Texas” and Grandma (our tailgating neighbors) take up the end of page 4 of the early morning pics, and our group takes up most of page one of the mid-morning pics. (And yes, I am the “definitely inebriated, possibly high” guy in shorts and a Santa hat in pictures 4 and 5 of the mid-morning pics. Ladies, amazingly enough – I am single. And I have few if any moral standards! I mean, look at that sexy guy in the shorts! How could you not want to tap that?!?! Let’s move on before my mom keels over dead from embarrassment and/or fear of grandkid numero quatro (again, ladies? none of them mine!) after reading this paragraph ...)
* Only four people rode the Bus yesterday: me, Russ, Mona and Susan. Everyone else was coming separately because they had various holiday get-togethers to go to. Which begs two obvious questions, and I ask these knowing full well that I blew off the first of two family get-togethers yesterday*, and that I’m going to catch hell for it later today:
1. What idiot schedules a holiday get-together in the middle of a Chiefs game? Or, if you lived in say western Nebraska, what moron would schedule a holiday get-together in the middle of the broncos game? Exactly. You don’t do it. It’s your team, fighting for its season’s life. For crying out loud, it’s ridiculous. Here’s a thought -- if you have ANY doubts about what time to schedule a major get-together, please, think of the biggest sports fan you know of, and give him or her a call to confirm that nothing big in the sporting world is going down at your proposed event time. Trust me, you won’t regret it. And if anything, your guests who are being forced at gunpoint to attend your event will appreciate you for it. (cue “the voice of reason” nodding violently in agreement ...) And also:
2. If you do schedule these things in the midst of a must-win game for the home team, you void any and all right to hold someone failing to show up against them. Don’t schedule something for 3pm when the game doesn’t end until 3:15, and then you still have to factor in drive time home, clean up time, and drive time across town. Don’t schedule something for 3 when the earliest someone can be there is 5:30, then get all b*tchy about said person not showing. Deal? Deal.
(*: if you had “Stevo missed the family function that involved going to Mass”, congratulations, you’re a winner! That’s another thing that bugs me, folks who have no use for religion 50 weeks a year, then show up for Easter and Christmas, as if that makes the other 50 weeks excusable. I mean, you’re kidding right? You really don’t think the higher power you’re showing reverence for can’t see through the charade? And to think people wonder why I so strongly believe in Stevo Rule 11.)
* The gates opened early! Wide open and ready to go by 8am. That came as a total shock, because the line to get in wasn’t even halfway back to Stadium Drive yet, when our parking attendant came by, took the parking stub, and announced “5 minutes (til we open)”. I had to haul ass to save spots (since I was the only one there to do it). Luckily, no problems.
* For being the last home game of the year, being played on December 24th, you know what? Zero weather complaints. Especially once you got inside. It was freaking HOT in the lower bowl yesterday. It felt like 80 degrees in there for most of the game, and I am not joking about that. We had one empty by us yesterday as (sadly) Chris had slipped and fallen on some ice, and didn’t head out as a precaution (Dr. Frank thought she might have suffered a slight concussion.) Her chair quickly became a closet, as people were shedding coats and sweatshirts like there was no tomorrow. By the third quarter, I was down to a t-shirt, so was the guy in front of me, and nobody had on a coat anymore. You couldn’t ask for better for a December home game. When you consider the only crappy weather game we had was the Sunday nighter against Pittsburgh, and that wasn’t crappy at all, just a little bit cold, we lucked out big time. Let’s hope that continues into 2012!
* The menu yesterday was an assortment of smoked items. raider ribs, corned beef, ham, turkey, with some mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, lasagna, and chili as the side items. (See, I told you that you didn’t want to miss this game.) Perfect way to close out 2011.
(Well, except we still have one game to go, but its on the road, and technically, its in 2012. Plus its my birthday game, against those f*ckers from denver. Let’s ruin their season guys. Let’s f*cking RUIN their season!!!)
* Yes, I noted to EVERY raiders fan by me yesterday (all of which were shockingly tolerable) “anyone but denver. If you guys win, go win this division. ANYONE but denver. For as much as raider fans allegedly hate San Diego more, you didn’t see it yesterday – all five of them by me said the same thing in return, if we can’t win this, then go pound denver next week. Can it be? Has timmy tebow united multiple fan bases together through hate and disgust? Who says the man isn’t Christ-like!
* We wound up with close to 15 by the time everyone got there, including “The Crush” and her sister and dad.
* Phil and his crew decided to create a “Beer Christmas tree”, by hanging their empty beer cans on the newly planted tree next to them as ornaments. I thought it was awesome. I even added a Coors Light or two as my contribution.
(a beer-mukkah miracle! photo: me via the whatever the hell brand flip camera thingy i have is.)
* Should probably back up a minute or two to the pre-pre-party on Friday night. We’re sitting around the table talking, and Josh’s sister is there. From the “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” file, or at least the “it IS a small world after all” department, I’m being polite, making small talk, and ask her what she does, because I swear to God, from the second I walked in the door and saw her, I was like “I know this chick from somewhere”. And I was pretty sure it wasn’t from a random Friday night pickup at the Eclipse.
I forget what her current job is, but she notes “before that, I worked for an insurance company”. I was like “really? I’ve been in insurance for twelve years, who’d you work for?” If you had Transamerica, congratulations! She was in the C&L department (where my 2nd of my 3 bosses this year managed until TA up and moved five years ago), so she and I started rattling off names of people we knew, and what they were up to (if we knew anything about them).
I mention this for two reasons.
1. She has spent time on the couch at Stubbs. If you’ve ever spent time on the couch at Stubbs, you’re a solid person in my book, save for one guy. And sure as sh*t, the reason I found out she’d spent time on the couch? Was because:
2. Actual conversation as best I remember it:
(his sister) Hey you remember a guy named Ben Clark?
(stevo) (nearly spits out glass of merlot)
(stevo) (getting angry) Yeah! Deadbeat ex-roommate!
(everyone else) (laughing at my reaction)
(stevo) (fully enraged) That f*cker owes me and Dusty thousands of dollars! (slams fist on table)
(his sister) I take it you two aren’t friends.
(stevo) not since the day we forcibly evicted him.
(his sister) Wait. You did what?
So I got to retell the story of one of my favorite days of 2008, the night DJ finally reached his breaking point and kicked his ass to the curb. Ben even cried. It was neat. Hopefully he’s found a semi-warm cardboard box under a dangerous overpass in a really unsafe part of town to live at by now.
(Should probably note, 2008 had many good days – my nephew was born, KU won the national championship, the upset of denver at Arrowhead, the Olympics, the conventions, meeting “the ex” and “boasheao”, my first ever float trip (and go figure, who knew I’d love a trip that involves sitting in the sun, drinking yourself silly, so much that now I go monthly in the summer, and I’d go bi-weekly if I could find anyone else to go that much). But no two days may have made me happier than kicking his ass out, and the night a (possibly) intoxicated Stevo and (possibly) influenced Dusty finally had enough of his remaining sh*t cluttering up the basement, so we moved everything to the burn pile out back and lit it up. We don’t need no water, let that mother f*cker burn! Burn! I think I have anger management issues. Anyways, back to the recap!)
* “The Crush” and I teamed up at washers against Anthony and Jaimmie. I’m beginning to think I’m the weak link at this game, as once again, Team Stevo got crushed.
* Had to love Megan’s reaction when “Don’t Stop Believin’” came on the iPod. Her dad and I were talking at that point, and her dad goes “that’s her karaoke song”. So yes, for the next four minutes, we got the full on concert. I loved it. If only because ten minutes later, my karaoke song came on, “Sweet Caroline”.
That, and the moment I knew this girl was a keeper, was the first time I remember her being over on the couch at Stubbs, and her phone rang, and the ringtone was “Don’t Stop Believin’”. And she didn’t pick it because of the Sopranos finale a few weeks earlier. That’s a keeper.
* My drink of choice yesterday was vodka and what I believed was apple juice. Uuh, it wasn’t – it was apple pie shots. Let me just say, adding vodka to that concoction, takes it to a whole other level of goodness.
* Sign you might enjoy alcohol a little: when you bring an extra pan, just so you can boil the Everclear and the apple pie shots on the grill.
* Sign I might have enjoyed alcohol a little too much Friday night: I forgot the dugout in the car. There was at least one fellow tailgater ready to whip my ass over that brain fart (deservedly so), and sadly, I didn’t have DJ coming later to bail me out. Sucks to be me sometimes. Especially how good the stuff in there right now is.
* Before I get into the game highlights, and I’ll have more to say about this next point later tonight (hopefully) or tomorrow, when I finally post “The Annual Column” (and yes, I have been saving it to be Post 500 on this site. This post is 499. I figured if I drug it out, I could time it with Christmas and maybe 500 posts. I’m SNEAKY good like that!), let me thank the new additions to tailgating this year, and extend a warm open invite to please, join us this summer for Royals tailgates, and please, come back next fall to reclaim our division title that either denver or oakland is going to desecrate next week. To Anthony and Jaimmie, Paul and whoever the chick is with him (I apologize, I am TURRIBLE with names. Ask Tony and Lisa ... I mean, Jeff and Paula, who I still somehow call Tony and Lisa FIVE FREAKING YEARS after they started tailgating with us), Michael and Ana and everyone else in that group, please, don’t be strangers.
Royals tailgating starts in mid-April. Hell, if the group we had for San Diego, for denver, for Green Bay, that was a well-oiled machine by oakland, if we get that throughout the summer and promises for the fall? I will break my own stated convictions and possibly attend a preseason game next summer. Possibly. I ain’t promising sh*t until I see what crappy squad I’m asked to pay $80 plus parking to watch scrimmage against.
Which reminds me ...
* Thank you Chiefs organization for lowering our season ticket costs next year! That has NEVER happened since I started paying for my ticket 12 years ago. NEVER. Thank you for that $40 savings. I promise I will spend it irresponsibly either filling up the cooler with beer, or the dugout with something other than beer. And possibly putting some vodka in the flask.
* We broke down and headed in about 11:15am. Let’s just say, it was a very late arriving crowd yesterday. Lot G didn’t fill up back to our location until we were walking it, and usually G is overflowing by 10:30.
* Funniest moment pre-game: it was Fan Appreciation Day yesterday, and this chick behind me goes “how do they know the name of the person sitting in that seat” when they gave away 2012 season tickets to someone. Really? You have to ask? It’s called “rigged for season ticket holders” dear. “Rigged for season ticket holders”.
* KC Wolf sketch: Wolf gets accosted by some raiders fans, chases raiders fans down tunnel, find a conveniently placed ATV, and proceeded to chase raiders fans down and beat them senseless. A+ effort!
* Some dude on a trumpet played the National Anthem. Let’s just say, it had nowhere near the emotional impact that the sole trumpeter at IMS playing “Taps” in the 500 pre-race program has.
* Chiefs win the toss, choose to defer. First brain fart of the day. Always take the ball guys, especially in overtime. Always take the ball.
* raiders return the kick to the Chiefs 14. I was about apoplectic for the missed blatant block in the back oakland got away with. It would be just about the only thing oakland got away with all day – Mike Carey and his crew were beyond flag happy, right down to the point that Justin, the raiders fan in front of me, turned around right before the coin flip for overtime and goes “they should just toss a flag, they’ve been pretty good as tossing those all day”. Brought the section down. I love fans with a sense of humor, even if they probably just escaped from prison and/or are on a weekend furlough.
* I noted up front that the Chiefs D was flawless virtually all day – this opening drive was no exception, as the raiders had to settle for a field goal after three meaningless plays.
* After a Chiefs punt, carson palmer is intercepted by DJ, and the Chiefs are in business at the raiders 35. Cue a new (and hopefully very short lived) post gimmick I’m going to call “WWYDIYWBM”. “What Would You Do If You Were Bill Muir?”
The situation: 3rd and 6 at the oakland 8 yard line, trailing 3-0, late 1st quarter.
The four options:
a. Kyle Orton rollout, keeping run or pass as an option.
b. Kyle Orton shotgun, ensuring pass, but with four receiver options.
c. Shotgun handoff to Thomas Jones.
d. Assume you can’t make first down, and kick the field goal.
Amazingly, Ol’ Bill didn’t choose option (d) ... but he did choose option (c). Go figure, TJ gets nothing, and for the third time in two weeks, the Chiefs kick a field goal of 25 yards or shorter. Don’t worry – it wasn’t the last time that would happen yesterday.
* After trading a pair of punts, the raiders drive to the Chiefs 35, and line up for the long field goal. And in the second of at least four “WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING?!?!” moments on special teams yesterday, the raiders fake the field goal, and shane lechler completes a gorgeous pass to a wide open gunner, who rumbles untouched for the touchdown.
Thankfully ... it’s the oakland raiders. Who are flagged for a delay of game penalty. janikowski misses the ensuing 59 yarder off the crossbar, no damage done.
* The Chiefs take over, and aided by three oakland penalties, are in business inside the 15 with a 2nd and 6. THIS is the play that cost us the game. Ignore Succup’s blocked field goals – THIS is the play that did us in, as Dwayne Bowe drops a gimme pass in the end zone. It was in his hands. There were no defenders there to make the play. He took a step, and dropped the ball, he just dropped it.
Again, Mr. Pioli – if you franchise this waste of space over Brandon Carr, you should be fired on the spot, if not hung from a tree as an angry mob in white sheets with burning torches cheers said hanging. We don’t need Dwayne Bowe to win in 2012. If anything, he kept us from winning in 2011. Let someone else deal with his worthless ass.
* The very next play after the dropped touchdown, Kyle Orton shows why he’s Kyle Orton, and is picked in the end zone on a horrifically thrown ball that even I would have intercepted. There wasn’t a Chiefs receiver within 10 feet of where the ball was thrown. If either Kyle Orton or Matt Cassel is under center on Opening Day next year, I’ll be prepared to don the sheet and light the torch, with a noose in my hand.
* Thankfully, it’s the raiders, and carson palmer immediately chucks an INT back to the Chiefs, as Javier Arenas intercepts a long pass on 3rd down. Chiefs have the ball at their own 35 at the two minute warning, and drive down the field, setting up the first of Succup’s 49 yard attempts. Succup had just tied the franchise record for most field goals consecutively made earlier in the quarter, so of course, richard seymour comes untouched up the middle and block this attempt at the end of the half. We’re tied at 3 headed to the locker rooms, and the Chiefs get the ball to open the half. I can live with it.
* Couldn’t tell you a thing about halftime – I ran to the bathroom, grabbed a few beverages for our section, and by the time I got back, the teams were back on the field. That’s a successful halftime in my book.
* Chiefs go three and out to open the half, and oakland immediately responds with a gorgeous 60 yard touchdown bomb by carson palmer. The coverage was there, the throw was that perfect. Disgusting. 10-3 oakland after the extra point.
* The Chiefs respond, driving 70 plus yards in a little under four minutes, converting a huge 2nd and 20 along the way, to kick a field goal and pull to within 10-6.
* After forcing a three and out, the Chiefs again are driving, having reached oakland territory and facing a 3rd and short. Unfortunately, Kyle Orton was under center for us, and threw another horrendous pass that the raiders intercepted. Just like with the final play of the Steelers game, Dwayne Bowe appeared to do nothing to break up the pass. But just like with the final play of the Steelers game, unless Dwayne Bowe has a 20 foot wingspan, there was nothing he could do.
* And once again, Romeo’s defense was up to the challenge, as was the crowd. It was very loud in there, and the defense forced a three and out. No damage done, especially in light of the fact that Succup wasn’t hitting a 53 yard field goal. Not yesterday, anyways.
* The Chiefs again get a drive going, and face a 4th and 1 at their own 43 with about 6 minutes to play. And by 4th and 1, I mean fourth and maybe an inch. Literally less than a chain link after the measurement. The Chiefs had no choice, they had to go, down 4, at home, in a must win game, and needing a simple inch to keep the drive alive.
Unfortunately, Bill Muir calls our plays. In section 132, this hot as hell almost 35 year old was screaming “just fall forward! Just snap the f*cking ball and fall forward!” Of course, the Chiefs call a drawn out delayed handoff. Battle is stuffed for a loss. I was irate. That was an indefensible play call, and anyone who defends it has no f*cking clue how to call an offense in the NFL, or a Pee Wee league team. If Romeo Crennel had a clue, he would have overruled that play call. Not overruling it is a fireable offense in my book. He’s Herm Junior folks. If you want Herm Edwards running this team, then please, let’s hire Romeo Crennel. If like me you aspire for something more than a 9-7 wildcard berth, please, let’s hire someone who can do better than that.
* The raiders drive 30 yards over the next 4 minutes, executing a near perfect drive. They bled four minutes off the clock, moved into gimme field goal range, and hit said field goal, taking a touchdown lead at 13-6 with 2:57 to play. The way the Chiefs had played all day, there was not one legitimate reason to think they could get the score they needed.
That’s why they play the game.
* And if I’m going to rip him when he f*cks up, like on his previous play call on 4th down ... then I have to praise him when he gets the situation perfectly called. And Bill Muir’s play calling on this drive, was flawless. A 15 yard pass to D Bowe gets us to our 35. Another quick pass to Bowe moves us to midfield. And then, coming out of the two minute warning, THE play call of the year.
Facing 2nd and 10 at midfield, facing a heavy oakland blitz, Muir had a delayed screen to DMC called. It worked PERFECTLY, as McCluster avoided the first wave of defenders, and it was a footrace to the end zone! To the 20, the 10, the 5 ... tackled at the 3. Son of a b*tch. The way Kyle Orton plays in the red zone, any Chiefs fan had to be concerned.
Except that the very next play? Was a gorgeous pass to Steve Breaston in the front corner of the end zone. Touchdown! Holy crap, we’ve caught them!
* I hadn't cried in that stadium since "The Stand II" to open the 2010 season. Yes, I cried after Breaston's touchdown yesterday. If that means I need to "man up", then a certain broncos fan who reads this site somewhat religiously can go eff herself. You NEVER apologize for enjoying a moment like that was. NEVER.
(That, and the last time I checked, we have "indisputable visual evidence" of your husband crying at your wedding. In his defense, I'd have been balling too ... but if he didn't have to "man up", then godd*mmit, I'm not either.)
(Oh, and off the top of my head, I can recall 9 moments I've cried in that stadium the last 12 years, since I moved back here after college and was guaranteed to show up every week (other than pesky airport delays or flu bugs getting in the way of said showing up)? Adam Vinatieri's missed FG from 23 yards as time expired, vs Patriots in 1999; Mike Cloud's punt block vs Rams in 2000; Dante Hall's return vs denver in 2003; LJ's last second TD plunge vs oakland in 2005; "The Stand" confirmed on replay, vs denver in 2005; "Brave" Bennie Sapp taunting the donkeys on their bench in 2006; LJ's touchdown run to clinch the win vs denver in 2008; "The Stand II" vs San Diego in 2010; and Orton to Breaston to keep hope alive yesterday. 9 in 12 years ... although I cried enough after LJ's run to beat those f*ckers in 2008 that it probably counts as 23,093,653,587 times. "Man Up". Come on.)
* And have I mentioned yet how solid Romeo’s defense was yesterday? The raiders immediately go 3 and out, the final play of which was nearly intercepted by Kendrick Lewis at the raiders 30. Ultimately, it didn’t matter, as the Chiefs would reach the raiders 30 ...
* Through more rock solid offensive play calling. Knowing we had two timeouts, which meant we could throw it anywhere, Muir took advantage of that, hitting Bowe over the middle for 25, then hitting Terence Copper for 11 to move it into makeable field goal range.
A 49 yard attempt.
* The raiders didn’t ice the kicker. That surprised me. They had one timeout left, and I thought for sure they’d try to ice Succup. Maybe that’s why the blocking scheme seemed so wrong, maybe they expected a timeout. Whatever happened, Seymour again blocked a 49 yard field goal attempt. We’re headed to overtime.
* And for the first time since “The Voice of Reason” and ... hang on, he needs a nickname ... ooh got it! ... for the first time since “The Voice of Reason” and (old school college naming voice) “bts” were flipping a coin to determine how to bet a football game three years ago, I texted the following:
“lets go coin!”
Just like the short-lived life of “The Coin” ... it didn’t end well. raiders win the toss, choose to receive.
* And open with the bomb to heyward-bey. My God, what a pass! And I say that as someone ready to vomit in the stands watching it unfold – what a pass! Any Chiefs fan who still doubts that we MUST mortgage EVERY GODD*MNED THING IT TAKES to get a franchise quarterback under center come next September 10th or 11th, didn’t watch that play in overtime yesterday. THAT is why you trade first round picks, second round picks, Christ, that’s why you circumvent the salary cap like those hated f*ckers in denver did for YEARS in the late 1990s – THAT is why you do WHATEVER it takes to get a franchise quarterback under center.
Because you WILL NOT REGRET IT.
And if you doubt me? These are the teams already into the playoff field. New England (Brady), Baltimore (Flacco), Pittsburgh (Roethlisberger), Houston (Schaub, albeit he’s out with injury); Green Bay (Rodgers), 49ers (Smith), Saints (Brees), Lions (Stafford). Other than the 49ers, who play in the worst division in NFL history three years running, would you take ANY of those seven quarterbacks over what we have, on a neutral field, in the middle of March? Absolutely. Scott Pioli, you MUST address the quarterback situation, and you MUST do it this offseason, by the last Thursday in April, come about 8:30, 8:35 CT the way the draft currently stands.
* Of course, the raiders did what any reasonable, rational team would do after that bomb of a completion – two meaningless handoffs to set the hashmark, send in a kicker who should be a first ballot Hall of Famer, and ballgame. oakland still alive for the division and the wildcard. The Chiefs season over, save for spoiling those f*ckers in denver’s season. (And in case you can’t tell, it’s donkeys week baybee! The f bombs are FLYING as this post goes along!!!)
* Postgame, a very sad walk out. I’d had to pee since about the 8 minute mark, so I sprinted to the men’s room. You could have dropped a pin in there and heard it fall, the fans remaining were so apoplectic. The walk out was beyond depressing. Most depressing? Larry and Carl weren’t there yesterday! How does that happen? How the hell do two die-hard Chiefs fans who’ve been sneaking through the gates since I was in high school miss the biggest regular season home game in twelve years? I can guess – dumb yet well intentioned wives scheduling holiday get-togethers with no regard for the Chiefs schedule.
* The only moment of note on the walk out – I got stuck behind a drunk as sh*t raiders fan (cue the “wait, there’s any other kind?!?!” moment of acknowledgement ... aah, denver and Chiefs fans. I hate you, you hate me, but at least we aren’t oakland fans!!!), anyways, this guy is nine sheets to the wind. He’s making the late Senator Kennedy on Chappaquiddick night proud. And as a Chiefs fan walking out with his six, seven year old son asks the guy to “tone down on the profanity”, this poster child for the positives of abortion drops multiple expletives, grabs a can of beer (he’s holding three), and begins spraying the dude’s kid with it. I was irate. Normally, I tolerate just about anything ... because let’s face it, “Stevo spraying a can of beer in a six year old denver’s fan’s face” is absolutely something that wouldn’t shock anyone reading this. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t served a jello shot to a 13 year old before. (Although I still contend she was 15, and that was NOT her first rodeo with a jello shot, so to speak. And yes, to this day, I thank GOD she didn’t ask for one of the cookies we had that day ...)
Anyways, this asshat is spraying beer on a six, seven year old kid. I’m furious. Nobody is stopping this, and the kid and his dad walk away before it gets worse. So I walk up behind this waste of life, put my arm on his back shoulder, and go “you know, you are all class pal, all class.” raiders fan responds with a “whatever”, and I go “all class”, as I walk past him.
(cue gregg knowing exactly where I’m going next moment of clarity)
“All class ... except without the c, and without the l”.
Phil and his crew heard it and started laughing out loud hysterically. raiders fan was stuck – he was too drunk to comprehend what I said, but he could reasonably figure out I’d made fun of him. I happily accepted a Coors Light from “Texas”, and began to drink the sorrow of the day away.
* No postgame music. Couldn’t justify it. After adding a couple more cans to our “Christmas Tree”, it was off for the Bus Barn, for some postgame drinking, some sobering up (yeah, right), and a sprint to make my second family holiday party of the day.
* Not much of a postgame. I had a couple glasses of wine, then headed home to shower and clean up for the in-laws party last night that went really well. After that, it was off for home, and a somewhat good night’s sleep.
* Which of course, means the season is effectively over. The Chiefs are playing for nothing other than pride ... and to RUIN those f*ckers season on Sunday, something I pray to everything that anyone considers to be holy will occur. The denver broncos have missed the playoffs the last five years and counting. Three of those years, they have entered week 17 simply needing to win and get in. All three times, they have failed ... and all three times, you can point to a loss to the Chiefs as the reason why they failed to get in (Thanksgiving Night 2006 gave us tiebreaker; the Week 4 Upset in 2008 to end 346 days of defeat gave San Diego the tiebreaker, and our win at denver in 2009 in the season finale sent the Jets to the playoffs.
If we can deal them a 4th crushing choke job in six years? Then 2011 will go down as a memorable, albeit unfulfilling, season. A season that began with so much hope and potential (at least in my eyes), came crashing down in the end ... but damn if it didn’t give us some remarkable highs (and despondent lows).
Because no matter what I think of these guys, of this season ... if I'm wrong? Then every damned word I've ever written about these guys ain't a love song. And I know I ain't wrong ...
Like we got away with the perfect crime.
But we were just a legend in my mind.
I guess that I was blind.
Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade?
The clowns wore those smiles that wouldn’t fade?
You and I were the renegades,
And some things never change.
It made me so mad cause I wanted it bad for us baby.
Now it’s so sad cause whatever we had ain’t worth saving ...
If the love that I’ve got for you is gone?
If the river I’ve cried ain’t that long?
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong,
And this ain’t a love song.
If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Ain’t the reason I’m holding on?
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong,
And this ain’t a love song ...”
-- “This Ain’t a Love Song” by Bon Jovi.
-------------------------
First of all, congratulations to the oakland raiders. Whatever I may think of what I paid to witness yesterday, they earned that win. Romeo Crennel threw every damned thing in the arsenal at oakland’s offense. Truly, the Chiefs defensive effort yesterday was one of the most epically coached games I have ever seen. We made one mistake all day long on defense.
Unfortunately, that mistake occurred at the one moment we couldn’t allow it to occur, on a gorgeous 55 yard bomb to open overtime from carson palmer to darrius heyward-bey, setting up the raiders in gimme field goal position, and finally putting the finishing nails into the coffin of the Chiefs 2011 season.
But up until that play? The atmosphere in that stadium, the play on the field, for anyone who ever wonders what it was like in the 1990s, what it was like in the Marty years, to play at Arrowhead? THAT is what it was like. I loved it. Except for, you know, the whole ending to the game.
Having said that, there were three things made painfully obvious in that game yesterday, three things that the euphoria over shocking the Packers hid for a week, but the raiders drug out into the middle of the room and put on full display for all Chiefs fans to deal with, and those three things are this:
1. Romeo Crennel has as much business being a head coach as I do. After not overruling that fourth down QB (non) sneak? FIREABLE offense. CAPITALIZATION on FIREABLE. Because sorry Romeo, I love what you did with the D the last two years, but when you FLUNK Stevo Rule 34, I have no use for you. Sorry. It's over. Do not pass go, do not collect your $200, and for f*cks sake, figure out that on fourth and a godd*mned chain link, you do NOT call a 7 yard delayed handoff, you FALL FORWARD and take the godd*mned chain link!
Seriously, I have not been that outraged at a playcall by the Chiefs at Arrowhead, since either (a) the fake punt against denver in 2009, or (b) not going for 4th and 1 against denver in 2002. Both of those games led to epic Stevo meltdowns and multiple sick days from me drinking the disgust away. Color me shocked that I managed to crawl out of bed for Chrismukkah today. Shocked.
2. Bill Muir has less business being the play caller than a five year old who has to wear a padded helmet for his own protection. Either Muir is mentally retarded, or he's suffering from senility. Those are the only two acceptable explanations for that fourth down play call with seven to play, down 4, near midfield, on 4th and a chain link. Either he's mentally retarded, or he's lost his mind. Either way, he's not qualified to call plays. Oh, and ...
3. Whatever it costs, the Chiefs MUST acquire a franchise quarterback this offseason. If that means dealing multiple first round picks, do it. If that means tossing in established players to sweeten the deal, do it. Scott Pioli, what you saw yesterday should make painfully obvious to you that the Matt Cassel experiment will not work. You MUST pay WHATEVER the cost is to acquire a franchise quarterback, and you MUST do it by the time the Chiefs are on the clock on the last Thursday in April.
I’m not here today to bash the Chiefs effort – it was perfect yesterday. And in many ways, I’m here today to give genuine praise to these guys. Who would have ever thought, walking into the Vikings game three months ago, that the Chiefs would be one 49 yard field goal attempt away from controlling the fate of the division? (Or more specifically, one dropped gimme touchdown pass by Dwayne Bowe in the second quarter. If the Chiefs franchise Bowe instead of Brandon Carr, the fanbase should march en masse to One Arrowhead Drive, and refuse to leave until Scott Pioli is either fired or lynched, and I don’t give a damn which option Clark Hunt chooses. For the record, I vote "lynch", there's no hope for you if you opt for Bowe over Carr, so just pull the f*cking plug.)
As I noted before heading in yesterday, whatever happens, these guys never quit. They never gave up. Even to the bitter end, after bey made the catch and every person in the stadium knew oakland was going to win, the defense still forced the raiders to lose yardage on the next two plays (janikowski kicked the game winner on 3rd down). They fought to the bitter end. For that, I will always be grateful for the 2011 Chiefs. If nothing else, we know the make-up of this team is set for years to come. They aren’t soft, like the Herm era Chiefs. They don’t lay down on defense, like the Vermeil era Chiefs. They don’t look completely befuddled and confused, like the Gunther era Chiefs.
For the first time since 1997, we have a team with the proper emotional make-up to win in this league. Now all we need to do is get a quarterback that plays at a franchise-type level when it matters most, with the game on the line. Oh, and a head coach whose name is not Romeo Crennel.
As always, here’s your (slightly later than) morning after recap ...
* Something I forgot to mention from last week: some dude trying to see all 31 NFL stadiums, made his way around before the Packers game, and posted some pretty sweet pics of our tailgating setup on his website. Phil and “Texas” and Grandma (our tailgating neighbors) take up the end of page 4 of the early morning pics, and our group takes up most of page one of the mid-morning pics. (And yes, I am the “definitely inebriated, possibly high” guy in shorts and a Santa hat in pictures 4 and 5 of the mid-morning pics. Ladies, amazingly enough – I am single. And I have few if any moral standards! I mean, look at that sexy guy in the shorts! How could you not want to tap that?!?! Let’s move on before my mom keels over dead from embarrassment and/or fear of grandkid numero quatro (again, ladies? none of them mine!) after reading this paragraph ...)
* Only four people rode the Bus yesterday: me, Russ, Mona and Susan. Everyone else was coming separately because they had various holiday get-togethers to go to. Which begs two obvious questions, and I ask these knowing full well that I blew off the first of two family get-togethers yesterday*, and that I’m going to catch hell for it later today:
1. What idiot schedules a holiday get-together in the middle of a Chiefs game? Or, if you lived in say western Nebraska, what moron would schedule a holiday get-together in the middle of the broncos game? Exactly. You don’t do it. It’s your team, fighting for its season’s life. For crying out loud, it’s ridiculous. Here’s a thought -- if you have ANY doubts about what time to schedule a major get-together, please, think of the biggest sports fan you know of, and give him or her a call to confirm that nothing big in the sporting world is going down at your proposed event time. Trust me, you won’t regret it. And if anything, your guests who are being forced at gunpoint to attend your event will appreciate you for it. (cue “the voice of reason” nodding violently in agreement ...) And also:
2. If you do schedule these things in the midst of a must-win game for the home team, you void any and all right to hold someone failing to show up against them. Don’t schedule something for 3pm when the game doesn’t end until 3:15, and then you still have to factor in drive time home, clean up time, and drive time across town. Don’t schedule something for 3 when the earliest someone can be there is 5:30, then get all b*tchy about said person not showing. Deal? Deal.
(*: if you had “Stevo missed the family function that involved going to Mass”, congratulations, you’re a winner! That’s another thing that bugs me, folks who have no use for religion 50 weeks a year, then show up for Easter and Christmas, as if that makes the other 50 weeks excusable. I mean, you’re kidding right? You really don’t think the higher power you’re showing reverence for can’t see through the charade? And to think people wonder why I so strongly believe in Stevo Rule 11.)
* The gates opened early! Wide open and ready to go by 8am. That came as a total shock, because the line to get in wasn’t even halfway back to Stadium Drive yet, when our parking attendant came by, took the parking stub, and announced “5 minutes (til we open)”. I had to haul ass to save spots (since I was the only one there to do it). Luckily, no problems.
* For being the last home game of the year, being played on December 24th, you know what? Zero weather complaints. Especially once you got inside. It was freaking HOT in the lower bowl yesterday. It felt like 80 degrees in there for most of the game, and I am not joking about that. We had one empty by us yesterday as (sadly) Chris had slipped and fallen on some ice, and didn’t head out as a precaution (Dr. Frank thought she might have suffered a slight concussion.) Her chair quickly became a closet, as people were shedding coats and sweatshirts like there was no tomorrow. By the third quarter, I was down to a t-shirt, so was the guy in front of me, and nobody had on a coat anymore. You couldn’t ask for better for a December home game. When you consider the only crappy weather game we had was the Sunday nighter against Pittsburgh, and that wasn’t crappy at all, just a little bit cold, we lucked out big time. Let’s hope that continues into 2012!
* The menu yesterday was an assortment of smoked items. raider ribs, corned beef, ham, turkey, with some mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, lasagna, and chili as the side items. (See, I told you that you didn’t want to miss this game.) Perfect way to close out 2011.
(Well, except we still have one game to go, but its on the road, and technically, its in 2012. Plus its my birthday game, against those f*ckers from denver. Let’s ruin their season guys. Let’s f*cking RUIN their season!!!)
* Yes, I noted to EVERY raiders fan by me yesterday (all of which were shockingly tolerable) “anyone but denver. If you guys win, go win this division. ANYONE but denver. For as much as raider fans allegedly hate San Diego more, you didn’t see it yesterday – all five of them by me said the same thing in return, if we can’t win this, then go pound denver next week. Can it be? Has timmy tebow united multiple fan bases together through hate and disgust? Who says the man isn’t Christ-like!
* We wound up with close to 15 by the time everyone got there, including “The Crush” and her sister and dad.
* Phil and his crew decided to create a “Beer Christmas tree”, by hanging their empty beer cans on the newly planted tree next to them as ornaments. I thought it was awesome. I even added a Coors Light or two as my contribution.
(a beer-mukkah miracle! photo: me via the whatever the hell brand flip camera thingy i have is.)
* Should probably back up a minute or two to the pre-pre-party on Friday night. We’re sitting around the table talking, and Josh’s sister is there. From the “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” file, or at least the “it IS a small world after all” department, I’m being polite, making small talk, and ask her what she does, because I swear to God, from the second I walked in the door and saw her, I was like “I know this chick from somewhere”. And I was pretty sure it wasn’t from a random Friday night pickup at the Eclipse.
I forget what her current job is, but she notes “before that, I worked for an insurance company”. I was like “really? I’ve been in insurance for twelve years, who’d you work for?” If you had Transamerica, congratulations! She was in the C&L department (where my 2nd of my 3 bosses this year managed until TA up and moved five years ago), so she and I started rattling off names of people we knew, and what they were up to (if we knew anything about them).
I mention this for two reasons.
1. She has spent time on the couch at Stubbs. If you’ve ever spent time on the couch at Stubbs, you’re a solid person in my book, save for one guy. And sure as sh*t, the reason I found out she’d spent time on the couch? Was because:
2. Actual conversation as best I remember it:
(his sister) Hey you remember a guy named Ben Clark?
(stevo) (nearly spits out glass of merlot)
(stevo) (getting angry) Yeah! Deadbeat ex-roommate!
(everyone else) (laughing at my reaction)
(stevo) (fully enraged) That f*cker owes me and Dusty thousands of dollars! (slams fist on table)
(his sister) I take it you two aren’t friends.
(stevo) not since the day we forcibly evicted him.
(his sister) Wait. You did what?
So I got to retell the story of one of my favorite days of 2008, the night DJ finally reached his breaking point and kicked his ass to the curb. Ben even cried. It was neat. Hopefully he’s found a semi-warm cardboard box under a dangerous overpass in a really unsafe part of town to live at by now.
(Should probably note, 2008 had many good days – my nephew was born, KU won the national championship, the upset of denver at Arrowhead, the Olympics, the conventions, meeting “the ex” and “boasheao”, my first ever float trip (and go figure, who knew I’d love a trip that involves sitting in the sun, drinking yourself silly, so much that now I go monthly in the summer, and I’d go bi-weekly if I could find anyone else to go that much). But no two days may have made me happier than kicking his ass out, and the night a (possibly) intoxicated Stevo and (possibly) influenced Dusty finally had enough of his remaining sh*t cluttering up the basement, so we moved everything to the burn pile out back and lit it up. We don’t need no water, let that mother f*cker burn! Burn! I think I have anger management issues. Anyways, back to the recap!)
* “The Crush” and I teamed up at washers against Anthony and Jaimmie. I’m beginning to think I’m the weak link at this game, as once again, Team Stevo got crushed.
* Had to love Megan’s reaction when “Don’t Stop Believin’” came on the iPod. Her dad and I were talking at that point, and her dad goes “that’s her karaoke song”. So yes, for the next four minutes, we got the full on concert. I loved it. If only because ten minutes later, my karaoke song came on, “Sweet Caroline”.
That, and the moment I knew this girl was a keeper, was the first time I remember her being over on the couch at Stubbs, and her phone rang, and the ringtone was “Don’t Stop Believin’”. And she didn’t pick it because of the Sopranos finale a few weeks earlier. That’s a keeper.
* My drink of choice yesterday was vodka and what I believed was apple juice. Uuh, it wasn’t – it was apple pie shots. Let me just say, adding vodka to that concoction, takes it to a whole other level of goodness.
* Sign you might enjoy alcohol a little: when you bring an extra pan, just so you can boil the Everclear and the apple pie shots on the grill.
* Sign I might have enjoyed alcohol a little too much Friday night: I forgot the dugout in the car. There was at least one fellow tailgater ready to whip my ass over that brain fart (deservedly so), and sadly, I didn’t have DJ coming later to bail me out. Sucks to be me sometimes. Especially how good the stuff in there right now is.
* Before I get into the game highlights, and I’ll have more to say about this next point later tonight (hopefully) or tomorrow, when I finally post “The Annual Column” (and yes, I have been saving it to be Post 500 on this site. This post is 499. I figured if I drug it out, I could time it with Christmas and maybe 500 posts. I’m SNEAKY good like that!), let me thank the new additions to tailgating this year, and extend a warm open invite to please, join us this summer for Royals tailgates, and please, come back next fall to reclaim our division title that either denver or oakland is going to desecrate next week. To Anthony and Jaimmie, Paul and whoever the chick is with him (I apologize, I am TURRIBLE with names. Ask Tony and Lisa ... I mean, Jeff and Paula, who I still somehow call Tony and Lisa FIVE FREAKING YEARS after they started tailgating with us), Michael and Ana and everyone else in that group, please, don’t be strangers.
Royals tailgating starts in mid-April. Hell, if the group we had for San Diego, for denver, for Green Bay, that was a well-oiled machine by oakland, if we get that throughout the summer and promises for the fall? I will break my own stated convictions and possibly attend a preseason game next summer. Possibly. I ain’t promising sh*t until I see what crappy squad I’m asked to pay $80 plus parking to watch scrimmage against.
Which reminds me ...
* Thank you Chiefs organization for lowering our season ticket costs next year! That has NEVER happened since I started paying for my ticket 12 years ago. NEVER. Thank you for that $40 savings. I promise I will spend it irresponsibly either filling up the cooler with beer, or the dugout with something other than beer. And possibly putting some vodka in the flask.
* We broke down and headed in about 11:15am. Let’s just say, it was a very late arriving crowd yesterday. Lot G didn’t fill up back to our location until we were walking it, and usually G is overflowing by 10:30.
* Funniest moment pre-game: it was Fan Appreciation Day yesterday, and this chick behind me goes “how do they know the name of the person sitting in that seat” when they gave away 2012 season tickets to someone. Really? You have to ask? It’s called “rigged for season ticket holders” dear. “Rigged for season ticket holders”.
* KC Wolf sketch: Wolf gets accosted by some raiders fans, chases raiders fans down tunnel, find a conveniently placed ATV, and proceeded to chase raiders fans down and beat them senseless. A+ effort!
* Some dude on a trumpet played the National Anthem. Let’s just say, it had nowhere near the emotional impact that the sole trumpeter at IMS playing “Taps” in the 500 pre-race program has.
* Chiefs win the toss, choose to defer. First brain fart of the day. Always take the ball guys, especially in overtime. Always take the ball.
* raiders return the kick to the Chiefs 14. I was about apoplectic for the missed blatant block in the back oakland got away with. It would be just about the only thing oakland got away with all day – Mike Carey and his crew were beyond flag happy, right down to the point that Justin, the raiders fan in front of me, turned around right before the coin flip for overtime and goes “they should just toss a flag, they’ve been pretty good as tossing those all day”. Brought the section down. I love fans with a sense of humor, even if they probably just escaped from prison and/or are on a weekend furlough.
* I noted up front that the Chiefs D was flawless virtually all day – this opening drive was no exception, as the raiders had to settle for a field goal after three meaningless plays.
* After a Chiefs punt, carson palmer is intercepted by DJ, and the Chiefs are in business at the raiders 35. Cue a new (and hopefully very short lived) post gimmick I’m going to call “WWYDIYWBM”. “What Would You Do If You Were Bill Muir?”
The situation: 3rd and 6 at the oakland 8 yard line, trailing 3-0, late 1st quarter.
The four options:
a. Kyle Orton rollout, keeping run or pass as an option.
b. Kyle Orton shotgun, ensuring pass, but with four receiver options.
c. Shotgun handoff to Thomas Jones.
d. Assume you can’t make first down, and kick the field goal.
Amazingly, Ol’ Bill didn’t choose option (d) ... but he did choose option (c). Go figure, TJ gets nothing, and for the third time in two weeks, the Chiefs kick a field goal of 25 yards or shorter. Don’t worry – it wasn’t the last time that would happen yesterday.
* After trading a pair of punts, the raiders drive to the Chiefs 35, and line up for the long field goal. And in the second of at least four “WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING?!?!” moments on special teams yesterday, the raiders fake the field goal, and shane lechler completes a gorgeous pass to a wide open gunner, who rumbles untouched for the touchdown.
Thankfully ... it’s the oakland raiders. Who are flagged for a delay of game penalty. janikowski misses the ensuing 59 yarder off the crossbar, no damage done.
* The Chiefs take over, and aided by three oakland penalties, are in business inside the 15 with a 2nd and 6. THIS is the play that cost us the game. Ignore Succup’s blocked field goals – THIS is the play that did us in, as Dwayne Bowe drops a gimme pass in the end zone. It was in his hands. There were no defenders there to make the play. He took a step, and dropped the ball, he just dropped it.
Again, Mr. Pioli – if you franchise this waste of space over Brandon Carr, you should be fired on the spot, if not hung from a tree as an angry mob in white sheets with burning torches cheers said hanging. We don’t need Dwayne Bowe to win in 2012. If anything, he kept us from winning in 2011. Let someone else deal with his worthless ass.
* The very next play after the dropped touchdown, Kyle Orton shows why he’s Kyle Orton, and is picked in the end zone on a horrifically thrown ball that even I would have intercepted. There wasn’t a Chiefs receiver within 10 feet of where the ball was thrown. If either Kyle Orton or Matt Cassel is under center on Opening Day next year, I’ll be prepared to don the sheet and light the torch, with a noose in my hand.
* Thankfully, it’s the raiders, and carson palmer immediately chucks an INT back to the Chiefs, as Javier Arenas intercepts a long pass on 3rd down. Chiefs have the ball at their own 35 at the two minute warning, and drive down the field, setting up the first of Succup’s 49 yard attempts. Succup had just tied the franchise record for most field goals consecutively made earlier in the quarter, so of course, richard seymour comes untouched up the middle and block this attempt at the end of the half. We’re tied at 3 headed to the locker rooms, and the Chiefs get the ball to open the half. I can live with it.
* Couldn’t tell you a thing about halftime – I ran to the bathroom, grabbed a few beverages for our section, and by the time I got back, the teams were back on the field. That’s a successful halftime in my book.
* Chiefs go three and out to open the half, and oakland immediately responds with a gorgeous 60 yard touchdown bomb by carson palmer. The coverage was there, the throw was that perfect. Disgusting. 10-3 oakland after the extra point.
* The Chiefs respond, driving 70 plus yards in a little under four minutes, converting a huge 2nd and 20 along the way, to kick a field goal and pull to within 10-6.
* After forcing a three and out, the Chiefs again are driving, having reached oakland territory and facing a 3rd and short. Unfortunately, Kyle Orton was under center for us, and threw another horrendous pass that the raiders intercepted. Just like with the final play of the Steelers game, Dwayne Bowe appeared to do nothing to break up the pass. But just like with the final play of the Steelers game, unless Dwayne Bowe has a 20 foot wingspan, there was nothing he could do.
* And once again, Romeo’s defense was up to the challenge, as was the crowd. It was very loud in there, and the defense forced a three and out. No damage done, especially in light of the fact that Succup wasn’t hitting a 53 yard field goal. Not yesterday, anyways.
* The Chiefs again get a drive going, and face a 4th and 1 at their own 43 with about 6 minutes to play. And by 4th and 1, I mean fourth and maybe an inch. Literally less than a chain link after the measurement. The Chiefs had no choice, they had to go, down 4, at home, in a must win game, and needing a simple inch to keep the drive alive.
Unfortunately, Bill Muir calls our plays. In section 132, this hot as hell almost 35 year old was screaming “just fall forward! Just snap the f*cking ball and fall forward!” Of course, the Chiefs call a drawn out delayed handoff. Battle is stuffed for a loss. I was irate. That was an indefensible play call, and anyone who defends it has no f*cking clue how to call an offense in the NFL, or a Pee Wee league team. If Romeo Crennel had a clue, he would have overruled that play call. Not overruling it is a fireable offense in my book. He’s Herm Junior folks. If you want Herm Edwards running this team, then please, let’s hire Romeo Crennel. If like me you aspire for something more than a 9-7 wildcard berth, please, let’s hire someone who can do better than that.
* The raiders drive 30 yards over the next 4 minutes, executing a near perfect drive. They bled four minutes off the clock, moved into gimme field goal range, and hit said field goal, taking a touchdown lead at 13-6 with 2:57 to play. The way the Chiefs had played all day, there was not one legitimate reason to think they could get the score they needed.
That’s why they play the game.
* And if I’m going to rip him when he f*cks up, like on his previous play call on 4th down ... then I have to praise him when he gets the situation perfectly called. And Bill Muir’s play calling on this drive, was flawless. A 15 yard pass to D Bowe gets us to our 35. Another quick pass to Bowe moves us to midfield. And then, coming out of the two minute warning, THE play call of the year.
Facing 2nd and 10 at midfield, facing a heavy oakland blitz, Muir had a delayed screen to DMC called. It worked PERFECTLY, as McCluster avoided the first wave of defenders, and it was a footrace to the end zone! To the 20, the 10, the 5 ... tackled at the 3. Son of a b*tch. The way Kyle Orton plays in the red zone, any Chiefs fan had to be concerned.
Except that the very next play? Was a gorgeous pass to Steve Breaston in the front corner of the end zone. Touchdown! Holy crap, we’ve caught them!
* I hadn't cried in that stadium since "The Stand II" to open the 2010 season. Yes, I cried after Breaston's touchdown yesterday. If that means I need to "man up", then a certain broncos fan who reads this site somewhat religiously can go eff herself. You NEVER apologize for enjoying a moment like that was. NEVER.
(That, and the last time I checked, we have "indisputable visual evidence" of your husband crying at your wedding. In his defense, I'd have been balling too ... but if he didn't have to "man up", then godd*mmit, I'm not either.)
(Oh, and off the top of my head, I can recall 9 moments I've cried in that stadium the last 12 years, since I moved back here after college and was guaranteed to show up every week (other than pesky airport delays or flu bugs getting in the way of said showing up)? Adam Vinatieri's missed FG from 23 yards as time expired, vs Patriots in 1999; Mike Cloud's punt block vs Rams in 2000; Dante Hall's return vs denver in 2003; LJ's last second TD plunge vs oakland in 2005; "The Stand" confirmed on replay, vs denver in 2005; "Brave" Bennie Sapp taunting the donkeys on their bench in 2006; LJ's touchdown run to clinch the win vs denver in 2008; "The Stand II" vs San Diego in 2010; and Orton to Breaston to keep hope alive yesterday. 9 in 12 years ... although I cried enough after LJ's run to beat those f*ckers in 2008 that it probably counts as 23,093,653,587 times. "Man Up". Come on.)
* And have I mentioned yet how solid Romeo’s defense was yesterday? The raiders immediately go 3 and out, the final play of which was nearly intercepted by Kendrick Lewis at the raiders 30. Ultimately, it didn’t matter, as the Chiefs would reach the raiders 30 ...
* Through more rock solid offensive play calling. Knowing we had two timeouts, which meant we could throw it anywhere, Muir took advantage of that, hitting Bowe over the middle for 25, then hitting Terence Copper for 11 to move it into makeable field goal range.
A 49 yard attempt.
* The raiders didn’t ice the kicker. That surprised me. They had one timeout left, and I thought for sure they’d try to ice Succup. Maybe that’s why the blocking scheme seemed so wrong, maybe they expected a timeout. Whatever happened, Seymour again blocked a 49 yard field goal attempt. We’re headed to overtime.
* And for the first time since “The Voice of Reason” and ... hang on, he needs a nickname ... ooh got it! ... for the first time since “The Voice of Reason” and (old school college naming voice) “bts” were flipping a coin to determine how to bet a football game three years ago, I texted the following:
“lets go coin!”
Just like the short-lived life of “The Coin” ... it didn’t end well. raiders win the toss, choose to receive.
* And open with the bomb to heyward-bey. My God, what a pass! And I say that as someone ready to vomit in the stands watching it unfold – what a pass! Any Chiefs fan who still doubts that we MUST mortgage EVERY GODD*MNED THING IT TAKES to get a franchise quarterback under center come next September 10th or 11th, didn’t watch that play in overtime yesterday. THAT is why you trade first round picks, second round picks, Christ, that’s why you circumvent the salary cap like those hated f*ckers in denver did for YEARS in the late 1990s – THAT is why you do WHATEVER it takes to get a franchise quarterback under center.
Because you WILL NOT REGRET IT.
And if you doubt me? These are the teams already into the playoff field. New England (Brady), Baltimore (Flacco), Pittsburgh (Roethlisberger), Houston (Schaub, albeit he’s out with injury); Green Bay (Rodgers), 49ers (Smith), Saints (Brees), Lions (Stafford). Other than the 49ers, who play in the worst division in NFL history three years running, would you take ANY of those seven quarterbacks over what we have, on a neutral field, in the middle of March? Absolutely. Scott Pioli, you MUST address the quarterback situation, and you MUST do it this offseason, by the last Thursday in April, come about 8:30, 8:35 CT the way the draft currently stands.
* Of course, the raiders did what any reasonable, rational team would do after that bomb of a completion – two meaningless handoffs to set the hashmark, send in a kicker who should be a first ballot Hall of Famer, and ballgame. oakland still alive for the division and the wildcard. The Chiefs season over, save for spoiling those f*ckers in denver’s season. (And in case you can’t tell, it’s donkeys week baybee! The f bombs are FLYING as this post goes along!!!)
* Postgame, a very sad walk out. I’d had to pee since about the 8 minute mark, so I sprinted to the men’s room. You could have dropped a pin in there and heard it fall, the fans remaining were so apoplectic. The walk out was beyond depressing. Most depressing? Larry and Carl weren’t there yesterday! How does that happen? How the hell do two die-hard Chiefs fans who’ve been sneaking through the gates since I was in high school miss the biggest regular season home game in twelve years? I can guess – dumb yet well intentioned wives scheduling holiday get-togethers with no regard for the Chiefs schedule.
* The only moment of note on the walk out – I got stuck behind a drunk as sh*t raiders fan (cue the “wait, there’s any other kind?!?!” moment of acknowledgement ... aah, denver and Chiefs fans. I hate you, you hate me, but at least we aren’t oakland fans!!!), anyways, this guy is nine sheets to the wind. He’s making the late Senator Kennedy on Chappaquiddick night proud. And as a Chiefs fan walking out with his six, seven year old son asks the guy to “tone down on the profanity”, this poster child for the positives of abortion drops multiple expletives, grabs a can of beer (he’s holding three), and begins spraying the dude’s kid with it. I was irate. Normally, I tolerate just about anything ... because let’s face it, “Stevo spraying a can of beer in a six year old denver’s fan’s face” is absolutely something that wouldn’t shock anyone reading this. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t served a jello shot to a 13 year old before. (Although I still contend she was 15, and that was NOT her first rodeo with a jello shot, so to speak. And yes, to this day, I thank GOD she didn’t ask for one of the cookies we had that day ...)
Anyways, this asshat is spraying beer on a six, seven year old kid. I’m furious. Nobody is stopping this, and the kid and his dad walk away before it gets worse. So I walk up behind this waste of life, put my arm on his back shoulder, and go “you know, you are all class pal, all class.” raiders fan responds with a “whatever”, and I go “all class”, as I walk past him.
(cue gregg knowing exactly where I’m going next moment of clarity)
“All class ... except without the c, and without the l”.
Phil and his crew heard it and started laughing out loud hysterically. raiders fan was stuck – he was too drunk to comprehend what I said, but he could reasonably figure out I’d made fun of him. I happily accepted a Coors Light from “Texas”, and began to drink the sorrow of the day away.
* No postgame music. Couldn’t justify it. After adding a couple more cans to our “Christmas Tree”, it was off for the Bus Barn, for some postgame drinking, some sobering up (yeah, right), and a sprint to make my second family holiday party of the day.
* Not much of a postgame. I had a couple glasses of wine, then headed home to shower and clean up for the in-laws party last night that went really well. After that, it was off for home, and a somewhat good night’s sleep.
* Which of course, means the season is effectively over. The Chiefs are playing for nothing other than pride ... and to RUIN those f*ckers season on Sunday, something I pray to everything that anyone considers to be holy will occur. The denver broncos have missed the playoffs the last five years and counting. Three of those years, they have entered week 17 simply needing to win and get in. All three times, they have failed ... and all three times, you can point to a loss to the Chiefs as the reason why they failed to get in (Thanksgiving Night 2006 gave us tiebreaker; the Week 4 Upset in 2008 to end 346 days of defeat gave San Diego the tiebreaker, and our win at denver in 2009 in the season finale sent the Jets to the playoffs.
If we can deal them a 4th crushing choke job in six years? Then 2011 will go down as a memorable, albeit unfulfilling, season. A season that began with so much hope and potential (at least in my eyes), came crashing down in the end ... but damn if it didn’t give us some remarkable highs (and despondent lows).
Because no matter what I think of these guys, of this season ... if I'm wrong? Then every damned word I've ever written about these guys ain't a love song. And I know I ain't wrong ...
Friday, December 23, 2011
stevo's 2011 2012 nba predictions
Finally, after the most ridiculous lockout this side of the NFL, the NBA returns on Sunday!!! It truly is a Chrismukkah miracle!!!
I might not be the smartest dude walking the planet ... but one guy called the Mavericks winning the O'Brien Trophy before the playoffs started last year, and that would be this guy. So when I say my predictions sometimes are on the mark? They're sometimes on the mark.
Here are my picks for the (shortened) 2011-2012 NBA season, which promises to be wacky, wild, and (hopefully) insanely entertaining. And here's to hoping that this is the last NBA-less season here in Kansas City. Hornets / Kings / Bobcats / Insert Your Team Here? We have a lovely downtown arena, anchored by a lovely entertainment and shopping district, desperately in need of an anchor tenant. I know I'm ready to fork over a couple thousand dollars to become a fan of your team ...
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division:
1. New York Knicks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 35-31.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): signed C Tyson Chandler, signed PG Baron Davis, full season of SG Carmelo Anthony.
Biggest Subtraction(s): poop canned GM Donnie Walsh for some insane reason.
Reason for Projection: this is the best Knicks team since at least 2000, when the Knicks lost in the Eastern Finals to Indiana. I pick them to win the Atlantic (instead of more talented Boston) simply because playing 66 games in 115 days is going to be extremely tough on the veteran teams (like Boston), and easier to handle for young, up-and-coming squads (like the Knicks).
Plus, as someone who grew up a Knicks fan, the idea of meaningful hoops being played at the Gahden in May again? Has me drooling with anticipation and excitement. I can't wait to hear the organ two-beating as the best fans in the League scream "DE FENSE!" in game six against Miami, with the Knicks up 3-2 and clinging to a 90-89 lead with two to play. (Uuh, ignore that last statement, I didn't mean to inadvertently give away a playoff projection this early ...)
2. Philadelphia 76ers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 37-29.
Stevo Projected Record: 37-29.
Biggest Addition(s): none.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none, unless you count Jason Kapono, and not even Jason Kapono counts himself.
Reason for Projection: age. Specifically, the 76ers are a young team built around a core of 20-somethings; the Celtics are built around the Big Three and Rondo. The C's will be a tougher out come May, but the 76ers will be a tougher beat up until then.
3. Boston Celtics.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 43-23.
Stevo Projected Record: 35-31.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Brandon Bass, G Keyon Dooling.
Biggest Subtraction(s): F/C Jeff Green (for now), Glen Davis, Delonte West.
Reason for Projection: If you think Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen can play 66 games in 115 days, raise your hand. Danny Ainge, buddy, please, put your hand down, it ain't happening. This team reminds me a lot of the 2009-2010 team that treaded water in the regular season, then turned it on to reach the Finals. Would not shock me at all if Boston and their similar counterpart out west (the Spurs) employ a similar strategory for this season.
4. New Jersey Nets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 28-38.
Stevo Projected Record: 25-41.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Deshawn Stevenson, resigned F/C Kris Humphries, full season of PG Deron Williams.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none, unless you count Sasha Vujacic's girlfriend. And I do -- she's smoking hot.
Reason for Projection: this is a really crappy team outside of Deron Williams. They're betting everything on Dwight Howard coming when they move from the swamps of North Jersey to the ... uuh ... railyards of Brooklyn next year. If I were a gambling man, I would not bet on that outcome occurring. This poor franchise has really never recovered from The Merger, when they had to sell off Dr. J to pay the territorial bribe to the Knicks, and that was 35 years ago. They deserve better.
5. Toronto Raptors.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 19-47.
Stevo Projected Record: 10-56.
Biggest Addition(s): C Jonas Valanciunas (draft pick).
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: Christ, this might be the worst team in the League. It's them or Nathan Scott's Charlotte Bobcats. What's that? Nathan Scott retired? Sweet Jesus, it's gonna be a race to the top of the ping-pong ball pile!!!
Southeast Division:
1. Miami Heat.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 52-14.
Stevo Projected Record: 50-16.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Shane Battier, resigned PG Mario Chalmers, F Eddy Curry (hey, it is "biggest" additions).
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Mike Bibby.
Reason for Projection: Love, love, love! the Battier signing. He's exactly what this team needed. This Heat team might not be as dominant in the regular season as last year's was, but it's built better for success in May and June than last year's was. And last year's Heat team was five quarters away from the O'Brien Trophy.
2. Atlanta Hawks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 33-33.
Stevo Projected Record: 35-31.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Tracy McGrady.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Jamal Crawford.
Reason for Projection: two fold. (1) The Magic have to trade Dwight Howard, they have to, at some point this season, which vaults Atlanta a little ahead of them because of that. And (2) no team in the League needs to blow its foundation up and start over more than the Hawks ... and no team in the League is more piss poorly run than the Hawks (save for maybe the Raptors or Bobcats). Which means Atlanta will double down on its flawed foundation, probably trade for a veteran at the deadline, and get rolled in round one yet again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
3. Orlando Magic.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 40-26.
Stevo Projected Record: 32-34.
Biggest Addition(s): C Glen Davis, resigned SG Jason Richardson.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Brandon Bass, SG Gilbert Arenas.
Reason for Projection: Dwight Howard will be gone by the deadline. If he's not, GM Otis Smith is even more retarded than I already assume him to be, and I think Smith needs to wear a padded helmet in public at all times for his own safety.
4. Washington Bullets. (No "Wizards" crap on this site!)
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): G Jan Vesely (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): G Josh Howard.
Reason for Projection: give this team two years, and they'll be appointment television on the League Pass. They need one more rock solid draft pick to pair with Vesely (who I love) and PG John Wall. You add a Jared Sullinger to this team next June? Look out.
5. Charlotte Bobcats.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 13-53.
Stevo Projected Record: 8-58.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Corey Maggette, PG Kemba Walker (draft) PF Bismack Biyombo (draft)
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Stephen Jackson, PG Nathan Scott (retired).
Reason for Projection: come on, you can't lose a talented white guy like Nathan Scott and recover from that. In all seriousness, this is an awful, awful basketball team. I'm not a Walker fan, don't get the love for Biyombo, and as much as I love Corey Maggette (in the interest of full disclosure, he's one of, if not my favorite, players in the League) ... if Corey Maggette is the best player on your roster, you're not contending for anything other than the most ping-pong balls in the machine on Lottery night.
Central Division:
1. Chicago Bulls.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 48-18.
Stevo Projected Record: 52-14.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Richard Hamilton.
Biggest Subtraction(s): F/C Kurt Thomas.
Reason for Projection: did you know the Bulls had the East's best record last year? I know, I know -- nobody but the Heat matter, right? This is the East's most talented, deepest team. They're better coached than the Heat. And they have more cap room (plus a full MLE) to make an impact trade at the deadline. So why is Miami the overwhelming favorite to reach the Finals? What am I missing here?
2. Indiana Pacers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 36-30.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): PF David West, SG/SF George Hill.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Mike Dunleavy, F Josh McRoberts, SG Brandon Rush.
Reason for Projection: other than the Clippers, did ANY team have a better offseason than Indiana? They stole West, fleeced the Spurs for Hill, and are still nearly $15 million UNDER the cap for the free agent free-for-all next summer (that should include Dwight Howard, Deron Williams, and could include Chris Paul if he opts out of his deal). Ooh. Look out for this team.
3. Milwaukee BuKCs.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 34-32.
Stevo Projected Record: 37-29.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Stephen Jackson, SG Mike Dunleavy, resigned F Luc Mbah'a'Moute.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Corey Maggette, SF John Salmons, PG Keyon Dooling.
Reason for Projection: another offseason overhaul for my favorite team ... and this time, I like the results. If Andrew Bogut and Brandon Jennings can each play 50 games and avoid the ridiculous injuries they had last year, coupled with Jackson's immediate upgrade on offense, this is a serious darkhorse in the East, just like they were two years ago.
(As of now, I'm looking at two dates for the annual trip up to watch the BuKCs: January 27-29 (host the Lakers), or February 10-12 (host the Magic). If anyone wants in, let me know. The thought of booing Kobe in person for two straight hours is almost as enticing to me as downing an authentic Milwaukeean bloody mary at Cafe Centraal again ...)
4. Detroit Pistons.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 30-46.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned G Rodney Stuckey, resigned F Tayshawn Prince, drafted G Brandon Knight, hired Lawrence Frank as head coach.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SF Richard Hamilton, SG Tracy McGrady.
Reason for Projection: I love Lawrence Frank. Tremendous hire. Not one other move this franchise made this offseason made much sense, but Frank alone is worth 5 wins on the bench, especially in a shortened season.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 18-48.
Stevo Projected Record: 17-49.
Biggest Addition(s): PG Kyrie Irving (draft), SF Tristan Thompson (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Baron Davis (emphasis on "biggest"), SG JJ Hickson.
Reason for Projection: I honestly hope Cleveland goes 0-66. I hate their owner with a passion. Dan Gilbert can rot in hell for all I care, and I'd love to toss him in there and throw away the key. Sadly, there's a decent emerging nucleus here, and the Cavs figure to be competitive far more often than not this season. Let's hope for some injuries and bad luck, to put 0-66 into play. Or at least 3-63.
Eastern Playoff Seeds:
1. Chicago Bulls (52-14, Central Division Champion)
2. Miami Heat (50-16, Southeast Division Champion)
3. New York Knicks (40-26, Atlantic Division Champion)
4. Indiana Pacers (40-26, best remaining record)
5. Milwaukee Bucks (37-29, best remaining record)
6. Philadelphia 76ers (37-29, best remaining record)
7. Boston Celtics (35-31, best remaining record)
8. Atlanta Hawks (35-31, best remaining record)
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9. Orlando Magic (32-34, no postseason options)
10. Detroit Pistons (30-36, no postseason options)
11. Washington Bullets (28-38, no postseason options)
12. New Jersey Nets (25-41, no postseason options)
13. Cleveland Cavaliers (17-49, no postseason options)
14. Toronto Raptors (10-56, no postseason options)
15. Charlotte Bobcats (8-58, no postseason options)
Western Conference:
Northwest Division:
1. "Kevin Durant's Team".
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 45-21.
Stevo Projected Record: 48-18.
Biggest Addition(s): full season of C Kendrick Perkins.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: when you reach the conference finals at least a year ahead of schedule, there's no reason to make any panic moves. Good job by the "Durant's" for holding still. I'd expect a veteran pickup at the deadline, and at least a trip to the second round. Anything short of that, and this season is an epic failure.
2. Denver Nuggets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 43-23.
Stevo Projected Record: 45-21.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned F Nene, PG Andre Miller, SG Rudy Fernandez, full season of PF Danilo Gallinari.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Kenyon Martin, SG Wilson Chandler, SF JR Smith.
Reason for Projection: no team is better built for 66 games in 115 days than the Nuggets. They easily go ten deep. This team reminds me a ton of the 1999 Knicks, whose strategory after the lockout was build the deepest team possible and see what happens. All that team did was reach the Finals. Would not shock me at all to see the Nuggets playing in the Western Finals for the second time in three years.
3. Portland Trail Blazers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 38-28.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Jamal Crawford, SG Nolan Smith (draft), full season of C Marcus Camby.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Brandon Roy.
Reason for Projection: on paper, this team has potential. And they're certainly well coached -- Nate McMillan should be on any owner's short list of the best coaches he or she could hire. But I'm not feeling it. Someone in the West is going to underachieve. I think this is one of two teams that shockingly misses the playoffs.
4. Utah (mr. william grigsby voice) Jazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 28-38.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): C Enes Kantor (draft), G Josh Howard, SG Alec Burks (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Andrei Kirilenko.
Reason for Projection: the Jazz are two years away from returning to the upper echelon of the West. Derrick Favors is going to be a beast. I loved the pick of Burks, the local kid from Raytown. If you're looking for a long-shot bet to steal a playoff berth, I'd be looking squarely at this squad.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 29-37.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): hired Rick Adelman as head coach, PF Derrick Williams (draft), PG Ricky Rubio, PG JJ Barea, C Brad Miller.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: I expect the Wolves to be competitive and in the mix for the eight seed into early April. Considering this team hasn't reached the playoffs since 2006, that's a solid step in the right direction.
Southwest Division:
1. Dallas Mavericks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 39-27.
Stevo Projected Record: 41-25.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Lamar Odom, SF Vince Carter, SG Delonte West.
Biggest Subtraction(s): C Tyson Chandler, PG JJ Barea, SF Caron Butler.
Reason for Projection: this pick is based solely and completely on the belief that the Mavs will make a move at the deadline, and edge out Memphis and San Antonio. Every team in the Southwest Division has realistic playoff hopes. Should be fun to see play out.
2. Memphis Grizzlies.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 37-29.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned PF Marc Gasol, SG Josh Selby (draft), full season of SF Rudy Gay.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Shane Battier.
Reason for Projection: a rock solid young team, a rising power, fun to watch ... God bless it, why didn't the KC Sports Commission try to steal these guys three years ago?
3. San Antonio Spurs.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 42-24.
Stevo Projected Record: 38-28.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Kawhi Leonard (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG George Hill.
Reason for Projection: they aren't the Spurs of five years ago, but they're still more than capable of being the last team standing come late June. Age and the compressed schedule will hurt this team, just like Boston.
4. New Orleans Hornets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 30-36.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Eric Gordon, C Chris Kaman, resigned PG Carl Landry.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Chris Paul, PF David West.
Reason for Projection: this is still a really talented team, despite losing its two best players in Paul and West. Toss in the fact that they employ one of the 4 or 5 best coaches in the League in Monty Williams, and this is a fringe playoff contender.
5. Houston Rockets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 32-34.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): none. No, adding one of the "Dumb F*ck Duo" Morris twins does not count as an "addition".
Biggest Subtraction(s): C Yao Ming, head coach Rick Adelman.
Reason for Projection: no team got screwed more this offseason than Houston. I expect that to show up in on-court play this winter.
Pacific Division:
1. Los Angeles Clippers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 41-25.
Stevo Projected Record: 44-22.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Caron Butler, PG Chris Paul, PG Chauncey Billups, resigned SF DeAndre Jordan.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Eric Gordon, C Chris Kaman.
Reason for Prediction: this is based solely, completely, and entirely on the Clippers organization realizing they employ the worst head coach in professional hoops, and firing Vinny Del Negro by early February. If Del Negro coaches all 66 games, the Clippers will be lucky to break even. There's enough talent here for a conference finals run, but only if the moron coaching it is shown the curb, and the sooner the better.
2. Los Angeles Lakers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 40-26.
Stevo Projected Record: 36-30.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Josh McRoberts, hired Mike Brown as head coach.
Biggest Subtraction(s): head coach Phil Jackson (retired), PF Lamar Odom, SG Shannon Brown.
Reason for Prediction: I believe Dwight Howard will be a Laker by the deadline. Even if he's not, there's enough talent here to at least secure a playoff berth.
3. Sacramento Kings.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 25-41.
Stevo Projected Record: 34-32.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Jimmer Fredette (draft), SF JJ Hickson, PG Isaiah Thomas (draft), SF John Salmons.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Beno Udrih, SF Marquis Daniels.
Reason for Prediction: THIS is my shock playoff team in the West. I LOVE the makeup of this team. I especially loved the draft pick of Thomas, who I could not take my eyes off of the last couple years, as he led Washington to two over-achieving tournament runs. (The best game of last year's tourney, by far, was UNC / Washington, which UNC won at the buzzer). Thomas, Fredette, Salmons, Tyreke Evans, Demarcus Cousins, there's a solid nucleus here. Hey Maloof Brothers? If you want to move your franchise back to the city you abandoned 27 years ago, I am perfectly cool with that.
4. Golden State Warriors.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 26-40.
Stevo Projected Record: 25-41.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Klay Thompson (draft), SG Brandon Rush, hired Jerry West as executive.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none that matter.
Reason for Prediction: give Jerry West three years, and he'll clean up the crap this franchise has become. One playoff berth in 18 years. That's atrocious.
5. Phoenix Suns.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 24-42.
Stevo Projected Record: 21-45.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned SG Grant Hill, SG Shannon Brown. No, the other half of the "Dumb F*ck Duo" does not count as an addition either.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SF Vince Carter, PG Aaron Brooks.
Reason for Prediction: this team was really in the Western Finals three years ago? Really? Steve Nash deserves better than this as his career winds down.
Western Playoff Seeds:
1. "Kevin Durant's Team" (48-18, Northwest Division Champion)
2. Los Angeles Clippers (44-22, Pacific Division Champion)
3. Dallas Mavericks (41-25, Southwest Division Champion)
4. Denver Nuggets (45-21, best remaining record)
5. Memphis Grizzlies (40-26, best remaining record)
6. San Antonio Spurs (38-28, best remaining record)
7. Los Angeles Lakers (36-30, best remaining record)
8. Sacramento Kings (34-32, best remaining record)
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9. New Orleans Hornets (30-36, no postseason options)
10. Portland Trail Blazers (28-38, no postseason options)
11. Houston Rockets (28-38, no postseason options)
12. Utah Jazz (28-38, no postseason options)
13. Minnesota Timberwolves (28-38, no postseason options)
14. Golden State Warriors (25-41, no postseason options)
15. Phoenix Suns (21-45, no postseason options)
The Playoff Bracket
First Round:
1 Bulls over 8 Hawks in 4.
2 Heat over 7 Celtics in 7.
3 Knicks over 6 76ers in 5.
5 Bucks over 4 Pacers in 6.
1 "Durant's" over 8 Kings in 4.
7 Lakers over 2 Clippers in 6.
3 Mavericks over 6 Spurs in 7.
5 Grizzlies over 4 Nuggets in 6.
Second Round:
1 Bulls over 5 BuKCs in 5.
3 Knicks over 2 Heat in 6.
1 "Durant's" over 7 Lakers in 5.
5 Grizzlies over 3 Mavericks in 6.
Conference Finals:
1 Bulls over 3 Knicks in 7.
1 "Durant's" over 5 Grizzlies in 7.
NBA Finals:
1 Bulls over 1 "Durant's" in 6.
NBA Champion:
Chicago Bulls. Now excuse me while I light myself on fire over that vomit-inducing prospect ...
I might not be the smartest dude walking the planet ... but one guy called the Mavericks winning the O'Brien Trophy before the playoffs started last year, and that would be this guy. So when I say my predictions sometimes are on the mark? They're sometimes on the mark.
Here are my picks for the (shortened) 2011-2012 NBA season, which promises to be wacky, wild, and (hopefully) insanely entertaining. And here's to hoping that this is the last NBA-less season here in Kansas City. Hornets / Kings / Bobcats / Insert Your Team Here? We have a lovely downtown arena, anchored by a lovely entertainment and shopping district, desperately in need of an anchor tenant. I know I'm ready to fork over a couple thousand dollars to become a fan of your team ...
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division:
1. New York Knicks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 35-31.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): signed C Tyson Chandler, signed PG Baron Davis, full season of SG Carmelo Anthony.
Biggest Subtraction(s): poop canned GM Donnie Walsh for some insane reason.
Reason for Projection: this is the best Knicks team since at least 2000, when the Knicks lost in the Eastern Finals to Indiana. I pick them to win the Atlantic (instead of more talented Boston) simply because playing 66 games in 115 days is going to be extremely tough on the veteran teams (like Boston), and easier to handle for young, up-and-coming squads (like the Knicks).
Plus, as someone who grew up a Knicks fan, the idea of meaningful hoops being played at the Gahden in May again? Has me drooling with anticipation and excitement. I can't wait to hear the organ two-beating as the best fans in the League scream "DE FENSE!" in game six against Miami, with the Knicks up 3-2 and clinging to a 90-89 lead with two to play. (Uuh, ignore that last statement, I didn't mean to inadvertently give away a playoff projection this early ...)
2. Philadelphia 76ers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 37-29.
Stevo Projected Record: 37-29.
Biggest Addition(s): none.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none, unless you count Jason Kapono, and not even Jason Kapono counts himself.
Reason for Projection: age. Specifically, the 76ers are a young team built around a core of 20-somethings; the Celtics are built around the Big Three and Rondo. The C's will be a tougher out come May, but the 76ers will be a tougher beat up until then.
3. Boston Celtics.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 43-23.
Stevo Projected Record: 35-31.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Brandon Bass, G Keyon Dooling.
Biggest Subtraction(s): F/C Jeff Green (for now), Glen Davis, Delonte West.
Reason for Projection: If you think Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen can play 66 games in 115 days, raise your hand. Danny Ainge, buddy, please, put your hand down, it ain't happening. This team reminds me a lot of the 2009-2010 team that treaded water in the regular season, then turned it on to reach the Finals. Would not shock me at all if Boston and their similar counterpart out west (the Spurs) employ a similar strategory for this season.
4. New Jersey Nets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 28-38.
Stevo Projected Record: 25-41.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Deshawn Stevenson, resigned F/C Kris Humphries, full season of PG Deron Williams.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none, unless you count Sasha Vujacic's girlfriend. And I do -- she's smoking hot.
Reason for Projection: this is a really crappy team outside of Deron Williams. They're betting everything on Dwight Howard coming when they move from the swamps of North Jersey to the ... uuh ... railyards of Brooklyn next year. If I were a gambling man, I would not bet on that outcome occurring. This poor franchise has really never recovered from The Merger, when they had to sell off Dr. J to pay the territorial bribe to the Knicks, and that was 35 years ago. They deserve better.
5. Toronto Raptors.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 19-47.
Stevo Projected Record: 10-56.
Biggest Addition(s): C Jonas Valanciunas (draft pick).
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: Christ, this might be the worst team in the League. It's them or Nathan Scott's Charlotte Bobcats. What's that? Nathan Scott retired? Sweet Jesus, it's gonna be a race to the top of the ping-pong ball pile!!!
Southeast Division:
1. Miami Heat.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 52-14.
Stevo Projected Record: 50-16.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Shane Battier, resigned PG Mario Chalmers, F Eddy Curry (hey, it is "biggest" additions).
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Mike Bibby.
Reason for Projection: Love, love, love! the Battier signing. He's exactly what this team needed. This Heat team might not be as dominant in the regular season as last year's was, but it's built better for success in May and June than last year's was. And last year's Heat team was five quarters away from the O'Brien Trophy.
2. Atlanta Hawks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 33-33.
Stevo Projected Record: 35-31.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Tracy McGrady.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Jamal Crawford.
Reason for Projection: two fold. (1) The Magic have to trade Dwight Howard, they have to, at some point this season, which vaults Atlanta a little ahead of them because of that. And (2) no team in the League needs to blow its foundation up and start over more than the Hawks ... and no team in the League is more piss poorly run than the Hawks (save for maybe the Raptors or Bobcats). Which means Atlanta will double down on its flawed foundation, probably trade for a veteran at the deadline, and get rolled in round one yet again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
3. Orlando Magic.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 40-26.
Stevo Projected Record: 32-34.
Biggest Addition(s): C Glen Davis, resigned SG Jason Richardson.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Brandon Bass, SG Gilbert Arenas.
Reason for Projection: Dwight Howard will be gone by the deadline. If he's not, GM Otis Smith is even more retarded than I already assume him to be, and I think Smith needs to wear a padded helmet in public at all times for his own safety.
4. Washington Bullets. (No "Wizards" crap on this site!)
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): G Jan Vesely (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): G Josh Howard.
Reason for Projection: give this team two years, and they'll be appointment television on the League Pass. They need one more rock solid draft pick to pair with Vesely (who I love) and PG John Wall. You add a Jared Sullinger to this team next June? Look out.
5. Charlotte Bobcats.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 13-53.
Stevo Projected Record: 8-58.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Corey Maggette, PG Kemba Walker (draft) PF Bismack Biyombo (draft)
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Stephen Jackson, PG Nathan Scott (retired).
Reason for Projection: come on, you can't lose a talented white guy like Nathan Scott and recover from that. In all seriousness, this is an awful, awful basketball team. I'm not a Walker fan, don't get the love for Biyombo, and as much as I love Corey Maggette (in the interest of full disclosure, he's one of, if not my favorite, players in the League) ... if Corey Maggette is the best player on your roster, you're not contending for anything other than the most ping-pong balls in the machine on Lottery night.
Central Division:
1. Chicago Bulls.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 48-18.
Stevo Projected Record: 52-14.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Richard Hamilton.
Biggest Subtraction(s): F/C Kurt Thomas.
Reason for Projection: did you know the Bulls had the East's best record last year? I know, I know -- nobody but the Heat matter, right? This is the East's most talented, deepest team. They're better coached than the Heat. And they have more cap room (plus a full MLE) to make an impact trade at the deadline. So why is Miami the overwhelming favorite to reach the Finals? What am I missing here?
2. Indiana Pacers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 36-30.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): PF David West, SG/SF George Hill.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Mike Dunleavy, F Josh McRoberts, SG Brandon Rush.
Reason for Projection: other than the Clippers, did ANY team have a better offseason than Indiana? They stole West, fleeced the Spurs for Hill, and are still nearly $15 million UNDER the cap for the free agent free-for-all next summer (that should include Dwight Howard, Deron Williams, and could include Chris Paul if he opts out of his deal). Ooh. Look out for this team.
3. Milwaukee BuKCs.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 34-32.
Stevo Projected Record: 37-29.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Stephen Jackson, SG Mike Dunleavy, resigned F Luc Mbah'a'Moute.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Corey Maggette, SF John Salmons, PG Keyon Dooling.
Reason for Projection: another offseason overhaul for my favorite team ... and this time, I like the results. If Andrew Bogut and Brandon Jennings can each play 50 games and avoid the ridiculous injuries they had last year, coupled with Jackson's immediate upgrade on offense, this is a serious darkhorse in the East, just like they were two years ago.
(As of now, I'm looking at two dates for the annual trip up to watch the BuKCs: January 27-29 (host the Lakers), or February 10-12 (host the Magic). If anyone wants in, let me know. The thought of booing Kobe in person for two straight hours is almost as enticing to me as downing an authentic Milwaukeean bloody mary at Cafe Centraal again ...)
4. Detroit Pistons.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 30-46.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned G Rodney Stuckey, resigned F Tayshawn Prince, drafted G Brandon Knight, hired Lawrence Frank as head coach.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SF Richard Hamilton, SG Tracy McGrady.
Reason for Projection: I love Lawrence Frank. Tremendous hire. Not one other move this franchise made this offseason made much sense, but Frank alone is worth 5 wins on the bench, especially in a shortened season.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 18-48.
Stevo Projected Record: 17-49.
Biggest Addition(s): PG Kyrie Irving (draft), SF Tristan Thompson (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Baron Davis (emphasis on "biggest"), SG JJ Hickson.
Reason for Projection: I honestly hope Cleveland goes 0-66. I hate their owner with a passion. Dan Gilbert can rot in hell for all I care, and I'd love to toss him in there and throw away the key. Sadly, there's a decent emerging nucleus here, and the Cavs figure to be competitive far more often than not this season. Let's hope for some injuries and bad luck, to put 0-66 into play. Or at least 3-63.
Eastern Playoff Seeds:
1. Chicago Bulls (52-14, Central Division Champion)
2. Miami Heat (50-16, Southeast Division Champion)
3. New York Knicks (40-26, Atlantic Division Champion)
4. Indiana Pacers (40-26, best remaining record)
5. Milwaukee Bucks (37-29, best remaining record)
6. Philadelphia 76ers (37-29, best remaining record)
7. Boston Celtics (35-31, best remaining record)
8. Atlanta Hawks (35-31, best remaining record)
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9. Orlando Magic (32-34, no postseason options)
10. Detroit Pistons (30-36, no postseason options)
11. Washington Bullets (28-38, no postseason options)
12. New Jersey Nets (25-41, no postseason options)
13. Cleveland Cavaliers (17-49, no postseason options)
14. Toronto Raptors (10-56, no postseason options)
15. Charlotte Bobcats (8-58, no postseason options)
Western Conference:
Northwest Division:
1. "Kevin Durant's Team".
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 45-21.
Stevo Projected Record: 48-18.
Biggest Addition(s): full season of C Kendrick Perkins.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: when you reach the conference finals at least a year ahead of schedule, there's no reason to make any panic moves. Good job by the "Durant's" for holding still. I'd expect a veteran pickup at the deadline, and at least a trip to the second round. Anything short of that, and this season is an epic failure.
2. Denver Nuggets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 43-23.
Stevo Projected Record: 45-21.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned F Nene, PG Andre Miller, SG Rudy Fernandez, full season of PF Danilo Gallinari.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Kenyon Martin, SG Wilson Chandler, SF JR Smith.
Reason for Projection: no team is better built for 66 games in 115 days than the Nuggets. They easily go ten deep. This team reminds me a ton of the 1999 Knicks, whose strategory after the lockout was build the deepest team possible and see what happens. All that team did was reach the Finals. Would not shock me at all to see the Nuggets playing in the Western Finals for the second time in three years.
3. Portland Trail Blazers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 38-28.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Jamal Crawford, SG Nolan Smith (draft), full season of C Marcus Camby.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Brandon Roy.
Reason for Projection: on paper, this team has potential. And they're certainly well coached -- Nate McMillan should be on any owner's short list of the best coaches he or she could hire. But I'm not feeling it. Someone in the West is going to underachieve. I think this is one of two teams that shockingly misses the playoffs.
4. Utah (mr. william grigsby voice) Jazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 28-38.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): C Enes Kantor (draft), G Josh Howard, SG Alec Burks (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Andrei Kirilenko.
Reason for Projection: the Jazz are two years away from returning to the upper echelon of the West. Derrick Favors is going to be a beast. I loved the pick of Burks, the local kid from Raytown. If you're looking for a long-shot bet to steal a playoff berth, I'd be looking squarely at this squad.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 29-37.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): hired Rick Adelman as head coach, PF Derrick Williams (draft), PG Ricky Rubio, PG JJ Barea, C Brad Miller.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: I expect the Wolves to be competitive and in the mix for the eight seed into early April. Considering this team hasn't reached the playoffs since 2006, that's a solid step in the right direction.
Southwest Division:
1. Dallas Mavericks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 39-27.
Stevo Projected Record: 41-25.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Lamar Odom, SF Vince Carter, SG Delonte West.
Biggest Subtraction(s): C Tyson Chandler, PG JJ Barea, SF Caron Butler.
Reason for Projection: this pick is based solely and completely on the belief that the Mavs will make a move at the deadline, and edge out Memphis and San Antonio. Every team in the Southwest Division has realistic playoff hopes. Should be fun to see play out.
2. Memphis Grizzlies.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 37-29.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned PF Marc Gasol, SG Josh Selby (draft), full season of SF Rudy Gay.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Shane Battier.
Reason for Projection: a rock solid young team, a rising power, fun to watch ... God bless it, why didn't the KC Sports Commission try to steal these guys three years ago?
3. San Antonio Spurs.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 42-24.
Stevo Projected Record: 38-28.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Kawhi Leonard (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG George Hill.
Reason for Projection: they aren't the Spurs of five years ago, but they're still more than capable of being the last team standing come late June. Age and the compressed schedule will hurt this team, just like Boston.
4. New Orleans Hornets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 30-36.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Eric Gordon, C Chris Kaman, resigned PG Carl Landry.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Chris Paul, PF David West.
Reason for Projection: this is still a really talented team, despite losing its two best players in Paul and West. Toss in the fact that they employ one of the 4 or 5 best coaches in the League in Monty Williams, and this is a fringe playoff contender.
5. Houston Rockets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 32-34.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): none. No, adding one of the "Dumb F*ck Duo" Morris twins does not count as an "addition".
Biggest Subtraction(s): C Yao Ming, head coach Rick Adelman.
Reason for Projection: no team got screwed more this offseason than Houston. I expect that to show up in on-court play this winter.
Pacific Division:
1. Los Angeles Clippers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 41-25.
Stevo Projected Record: 44-22.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Caron Butler, PG Chris Paul, PG Chauncey Billups, resigned SF DeAndre Jordan.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Eric Gordon, C Chris Kaman.
Reason for Prediction: this is based solely, completely, and entirely on the Clippers organization realizing they employ the worst head coach in professional hoops, and firing Vinny Del Negro by early February. If Del Negro coaches all 66 games, the Clippers will be lucky to break even. There's enough talent here for a conference finals run, but only if the moron coaching it is shown the curb, and the sooner the better.
2. Los Angeles Lakers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 40-26.
Stevo Projected Record: 36-30.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Josh McRoberts, hired Mike Brown as head coach.
Biggest Subtraction(s): head coach Phil Jackson (retired), PF Lamar Odom, SG Shannon Brown.
Reason for Prediction: I believe Dwight Howard will be a Laker by the deadline. Even if he's not, there's enough talent here to at least secure a playoff berth.
3. Sacramento Kings.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 25-41.
Stevo Projected Record: 34-32.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Jimmer Fredette (draft), SF JJ Hickson, PG Isaiah Thomas (draft), SF John Salmons.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Beno Udrih, SF Marquis Daniels.
Reason for Prediction: THIS is my shock playoff team in the West. I LOVE the makeup of this team. I especially loved the draft pick of Thomas, who I could not take my eyes off of the last couple years, as he led Washington to two over-achieving tournament runs. (The best game of last year's tourney, by far, was UNC / Washington, which UNC won at the buzzer). Thomas, Fredette, Salmons, Tyreke Evans, Demarcus Cousins, there's a solid nucleus here. Hey Maloof Brothers? If you want to move your franchise back to the city you abandoned 27 years ago, I am perfectly cool with that.
4. Golden State Warriors.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 26-40.
Stevo Projected Record: 25-41.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Klay Thompson (draft), SG Brandon Rush, hired Jerry West as executive.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none that matter.
Reason for Prediction: give Jerry West three years, and he'll clean up the crap this franchise has become. One playoff berth in 18 years. That's atrocious.
5. Phoenix Suns.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 24-42.
Stevo Projected Record: 21-45.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned SG Grant Hill, SG Shannon Brown. No, the other half of the "Dumb F*ck Duo" does not count as an addition either.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SF Vince Carter, PG Aaron Brooks.
Reason for Prediction: this team was really in the Western Finals three years ago? Really? Steve Nash deserves better than this as his career winds down.
Western Playoff Seeds:
1. "Kevin Durant's Team" (48-18, Northwest Division Champion)
2. Los Angeles Clippers (44-22, Pacific Division Champion)
3. Dallas Mavericks (41-25, Southwest Division Champion)
4. Denver Nuggets (45-21, best remaining record)
5. Memphis Grizzlies (40-26, best remaining record)
6. San Antonio Spurs (38-28, best remaining record)
7. Los Angeles Lakers (36-30, best remaining record)
8. Sacramento Kings (34-32, best remaining record)
-------------------------------------------------------------
9. New Orleans Hornets (30-36, no postseason options)
10. Portland Trail Blazers (28-38, no postseason options)
11. Houston Rockets (28-38, no postseason options)
12. Utah Jazz (28-38, no postseason options)
13. Minnesota Timberwolves (28-38, no postseason options)
14. Golden State Warriors (25-41, no postseason options)
15. Phoenix Suns (21-45, no postseason options)
The Playoff Bracket
First Round:
1 Bulls over 8 Hawks in 4.
2 Heat over 7 Celtics in 7.
3 Knicks over 6 76ers in 5.
5 Bucks over 4 Pacers in 6.
1 "Durant's" over 8 Kings in 4.
7 Lakers over 2 Clippers in 6.
3 Mavericks over 6 Spurs in 7.
5 Grizzlies over 4 Nuggets in 6.
Second Round:
1 Bulls over 5 BuKCs in 5.
3 Knicks over 2 Heat in 6.
1 "Durant's" over 7 Lakers in 5.
5 Grizzlies over 3 Mavericks in 6.
Conference Finals:
1 Bulls over 3 Knicks in 7.
1 "Durant's" over 5 Grizzlies in 7.
NBA Finals:
1 Bulls over 1 "Durant's" in 6.
NBA Champion:
Chicago Bulls. Now excuse me while I light myself on fire over that vomit-inducing prospect ...
Thursday, December 22, 2011
week sixteen: hell on the heart
"No ifs, ands, buts or maybes,
So you wanna be her baby,
I can read your face like a book.
Yeah it looks easy to love her,
But believe me brother --
It's harder than it looks.
She's as pretty as a picture.
Every bit funny as she is smart.
Got a smile that'll hold you together,
And a touch that'll tear you apart.
When she's yours? She brings you sunshine.
When she's gone? The world goes dark.
Yeah, she's heaven on the eyes,
But boy she's hell on the heart ..."
-- "Hell on the Heart" by Eric Church ...
--------------------------
(‘the congregation”) (restless with anticipation)
(“father stevo”) (straightening his “sermon notes”)
Of course it comes down to this.
Four months ago, the Chiefs had lost eight straight, counting pre and post season. The last two of those defeats were the worst – a 41-3 defeat to the doormat Bills, and a 48-3 woodshed-beating by the worse-than-a-doormat Lions.
So of course, it comes down to this.
After surviving a winless September, a winless November, five defeats of 27 points or more, losing our Pro Bowl running back in week two, our Pro Bowl safety in week one, our emerging tight end in preseason, our Pro Bowl quarterback at midseason. After winning one game on a Hail Mary, another on a fumbled center exchange, yet another on two fifty five yard field goals, a fourth by rallying from down 17 to a team that would lose 13 straight. After being reduced to starting Tyler Palko at quarterback, Jackie Battle at tight end, Jake O’Connell at tight end, Sabby Piscatelli and Jon McGraw at safety, and of course, reading every damned disaster just listed and coming to the (sarcasm voice) completely logical conclusion that the only person responsible for this season was the head coach, so let’s fire him – after all of THAT, coupled with me missing my first (non-preseason) home game in a decade because apparently in South Florida, if a f*cking drop of rain happens, that means an instantaneous two hour delay for any and all flights headed west ... of COURSE it comes down to this.
That the two teams who tuned us 89-10 to open the season, control 2/3rds of the fate of the season in their hands on Saturday.
Of course it comes to this. Of course we need the Lions, who beat us like a government mule, to defeat the Chargers. Of course we need the Bills, who treated us like a port-a-potty, to defeat a team that reminds me of a stank urinal, the denver broncos.
And of course the Chiefs, who somehow hold every tie-breaker within the division at 6 and 8, would have to face the team that started the 250 some odd days of defeat and disaster, with both of our seasons on the line. (The loser of Sunday’s Chiefs / raiders contest is eliminated from postseason consideration, regardless of what happens elsewhere.)
I think it’s great. I love symmetry, I love bringing things full circle, and for Chiefs fans, it doesn’t get much better than this, a chance to exercise the demon that began this dark season ... and to exercise the demon that ended the run of greatness twelve years ago.
Of course it comes to this.
Because with a win on Saturday, coupled with Bills and Lions’ victories? Oh boy. You talk about bringing things full circle? You talk about, in the words of the late, great Herb Brooks, “great moments arising from great opportunity”? With those three positive outcomes, it’s going to be the greatest eight day hype for a Chiefs game since 1993. (OK, fine, “technically” 1994, the eight days between beating the Steelers in overtime in the wildcard round, and pounding Buddy Ryan’s ass in Houston eight days later in the divisional round.)
As Kyle Orton would lead these fatally flawed heroes in the Red and Gold into the gates of hell itself, to face his former employer, with a home playoff game and a potential AFC Championship berth on the line.
(You think I’m nuts ... but tell me the Chiefs you saw on Sunday, the broncos you’ve seen the last two months, or the Chargers of the last month couldn’t beat the Steelers at home. Then tell me the Jets can’t beat Baltimore on the road, meaning the winner of AFC West / Pittsburgh goes to Houston to face a quarterback, and a franchise, playing its first ever postseason game, while the Jets get one last crack at their arch-rivals who, in case you’ve forgotten, they thoroughly ass-whipped last January in this same exact spot. And before you call Charter or Two Rivers to commit me, two words ... ok, three. Ready? Arizona. “Super”. Cardinals. The EXACT path they took to the Super Bowl as a 9-7 team a mere three years ago.)
I have no intention (yet) of looking ahead to a potential prime-time battle to decide which mediocre quarterback the broncos took to training camp takes playoff snaps this year. Because there’s still work to do to get there, and quite honestly, I’d put the odds of denver losing on Saturday at a coin flip at best. (I expect Detroit to obliterate the Chargers, for one obvious reason – its “win and you’re in”, and the Lions have tiebreaker over nobody, are staring a 19th straight loss at Lambeau in the face next week, so they have to get to 10 wins to avoid the charging Seahawks or Cardinals, or fading Giants.)
Instead, I want to focus on the task at hand. Defeating the hated oakland raiders.
Do you realize the only game the Chiefs have won by more than 7 points ALL SEASON was the raiders game? It’s insane, but it’s true. We beat the Vikings by 5 because of two 55 yard field goals. We beat the Colts by four thanks to 21 unanswered points, the last seven via one of the most amazing catches you’ll ever see. We beat the Chargers by three in overtime thanks to “The Phumble”, and beat the Bears by 7 because of the Hail Mary. (Plus the Packers by 5 in a game that was really never in doubt, as strange as a five point finale that was never in doubt sounds.)
We know the blueprint of how to do this – we were in this EXACT same spot five years ago, although at oakland on a Saturday instead of hosting them. (That, and we needed eight other outcomes to go our way the last two weeks. This year? Only two. Progress!)
Even more spectacular than any stat I’ve stated so far? Is that 9 of the last 12 between the Chiefs and raiders at Arrowhead have literally been decided on the final snap from scrimmage! 9 of 12! If that doesn’t make you pause and think “wait, are those $5 tickets still available, I need to get my ass in a seat and root like holy hell for my team to beat these f*ckers!”, then check your pulse, or at least question your fandom status. (I know, I know, its Christmas Eve, but for f*ck’s sake, I’m blowing off a family function for this, and I’m pretty sure I’m about one more screwup away from getting written out of the will. Assuming I haven’t already reached that status. I might need to check the safe when I’m at the ‘rents next time ...)
The raiders have won two comfortable games, last year (31-10) and 2008 (23-8 in a game that was 16-8 with six minutes to play.) The Chiefs have one comfortable win in this stretch, in 2002 (20-10 in a game played in a monsoon. Actually, both Chiefs / raiders games in 2002 were played in monsoon-like conditions, now that I think about it).
The other nine? The Chiefs have won four, the raiders have won five, literally on the last snap of the game:
2009: raiders 13, Chiefs 10. janikowski chip shot as time expired.
2007: raiders 20, Chiefs 17. janikowski field goal as time expired.
2006: Chiefs 17, raiders 13. aaron brooks intercepted by jarrad page* on 3rd and goal.
2005: Chiefs 27, raiders 23. LJ accounts for 38 yards and a TD in final ten seconds.
2004: Chiefs 31, raiders 30. Lawrence Tynes field goal as time expired.
2003: Chiefs 27, raiders 24. Morten Anderson field goal as time expired.
2001: raiders 27, Chiefs 24. janikowski chip shot as time expired.
2000: raiders 20, Chiefs 17. janikowski’s first ever game winning field goal, from 52 as time expired.
And the most painful of them all:
1999: raiders 41, Chiefs 38. joe nedney field goal in overtime.
(*: why is jarrad page, a damned fine Chief, in lower case? Simple. If he doesn't blow out Tom Brady's knee to open the 2008 season, Matt Cassel never happens. My hatred of our incumbent starting quarterback is damned near "lower case" status, just like the man who gave him the audition that got him the job has now earned.)
Anyone who thinks this game is going to be easy, anyone who thinks we don’t need every last available member of “the congregation” in a seat on Saturday come high noon, either (a) has not watched a single game the Chiefs have played this year, or (b) clearly has no clue what the Chiefs / raiders rivalry usually results in. (sarcasm voice) your car getting stolen?
(Note: since it’s Chrismukkah season, allow me to tell my favorite raiders joke of all time. Three guys – one wearing a Seahawks cap, one wearing a 49ers cap, one wearing a raiders cap – leave a bar come closing time. On their walk home, they come across a beautiful, smoking hot female laying on the grass, completely naked. She’s not assaulted, not in trouble, she’s just bombed and passed out and somehow lost all of her clothes. (God, why doesn’t this EVER happen to me?!?!) Anyways, out of respect for the woman, and her safety, the guy with the 49ers cap calls 911 on his phone, and places his hat over her right breast. The Seahawks fan places his cap over her left breast, and the raiders fan, for once showing some class, places his cap over her most private of parts.
So a police officer shows up, assesses the situation, takes the three football fans statements, and begins a preliminary investigation for his report. He raises the 49ers cap off the right breast, and replaces it. He raises the Seahawks cap off the left breast, and replaces it. Finally, he lifts the raiders cap, and replaces it.
Then re-raises the raiders cap, repeatedly, as if he is in a state of shock at what he’s seeing underneath. The raiders fan, alarmed, asks the officer why he keeps raising his cap off the woman. To which the officer replies, “I’ve never seen that before”. The raiders fan responds “what, you’ve never seen a woman naked before?” The officer replies, “no sir. Usually when I see a raiders cap, there’s an asshole underneath”. (“the congregation” groans). Thank you, thank you, I’m here all week.)
Now that I’ve completely killed the direction of this post, let me get to the Week 16 picks, and the Game of Great Importance:
* Texans (-7) 24, at Colts 14. I still think the Colts screw themselves out of Luck at J’Ville next week.
* at Redskins (-6 ½) 31, Vikings 20. One team has quit, the other one hasn’t.
* at Titans 3, Jaguars (+7) 0. I wouldn’t wager $0.01 on this outcome, the Titans are too unpredictable.
* at Panthers (-7 ½) 45, Bucs 20. Talk about a team that’s quit on their coach. Your Bucs everyone!
* Cardinals (+4) 21, at Bengals 20. Could Seattle at Arizona decide the NFC 6th seed?
* at Steelers (NL) 17, Rams 0. I could start for Pittsburgh and win this game 3-0.
* at Lions (-2 ½) 56, Chargers 17. Norv, we’d welcome you as our offensive coordinator next fall!
* at Patriots 24, Dolphins (+9) 21. Weird stuff happens when these two get together.
* at Seahawks (+2) 23, 49ers 17. Again, could Seattle at Arizona decide the NFC 6th seed?
* Eagles (+2 ½) 38, at Cowboys 35. Two 8-8 teams hosting 12 win squads will make Pete King’s head explode. Hence, this is THE “Screw You Pete King” Upset of the Week. Oh God please let it actually explode ...
* at Ravens 30, Browns (+12 ½) 20. Have to keep pace with Houston (who holds tiebreak) for first round bye. To say nothing of stay ahead of the Steelers for the division title.
* at Packers (-13) 45, Bears 13. The Bears are literally starting a high school coach at quarterback this week. A freaking HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH! And you know what? I’d still make the Bears a 5 point favorite at Arrowhead against a Tyler Palko led Chiefs squad.
* Falcons (+6 ½) 31, at Saints 28. Total gut check game for both squads. I like the Falcons make-up slightly better than the Saints make-up. Slightly.
* “at” Jets (-3) 24, Giants 17. This coupled with a Bengals loss clinches a playoff berth for the Jets. Thank God. Because that finale at Miami scares me sh*tless if something is on the line.
The Toughest Call of the Week:
My heart says denver wins this. Not just because Jesus hates me and loves him some timmy tebow, but good God, the Bills are in absolute free-fall. A team that’s lost seven in a row couldn’t possibly hand the Chiefs a Chrismukkah miracle, could they?
What’s that? A Bengals team that had lost ELEVEN in a row did that last year by upsetting the Chargers in this spot, with a backup QB starting? Whew. I knew to trust my gut. As badly as NBC wants tebow on its airwaves, what better way to get him than by setting up timmy to deliver the division, at home, against his former “mentor” and competitor? at Bills (+2 ½) 31, broncos 20.
The Chiefs Prognostication:
Both oakland and KC have a lot to play for – if denver and San Diego both lose, then the winner of this game controls its own destiny to win the division (oakland would have tiebreaker over denver via conference record if they win out, no matter what happened between KC and denver).
So please, if you can afford the $5 plus fees to get a ticket online at various reputable resale sites (like ArrowheadPride.com), please – show up Sunday. If you don’t want to pay the $27 for parking, the Bus leaves at 7am, you have a ride there and back for the low, low cost of $0.00. (If you want to use this option, let me know, I’ll send you directions).
We need this one folks. Some dumb f*ck blogger named Stevo went on record four months ago and projected the Chiefs to repeat as AFC West champs (and let’s just ignore the rest of my thoughts about the Chiefs chances this season ... at least for now). My credibility as a mediocre sports gambler is on the line here! (Although if you go back and read the season picks, you’ll notice I’m probably the only person alive who picked the broncos to reach the playoffs. So I guess either way, I’m ok? So long as its not the Chargers or raiders?)
Please, if you can make it, if you can blow off the family, afford the cost, show up. Be loud. Screw that – in the words of Blake Shelton, “(be) Loud! (be) Proud! (and then) Get Worse!!!”
I inadvertently left off one thing from the recap about the Packers game, and how I forgot it, I have no idea, because it was THE moment of tailgating from the year.
The game is over. I finally make it back up to the Bus, and after the celebratory hugs, high-fives, and “holy sh*t, HOW DID WE DO THIS?!?!” expressions of shock, as well as grabbing my bottle of vodka and pouring half of it into a bottle of Glacier Ice Gatorade, I have the following conversation:
(stevo) hey, what’s up with no music?
(everyone) (with a “yeah, what’s up with this?!?!” look)
So I haul out the speakers, and fire up the iPod. Ray and his crew have just arrived. Even more impressively, Castro drove up to join us for the postgame. (Best of all? He’s as f*cking sick of the damned horn his crew uses as we are, hence his decision to join us rather than them. Sweet?)
And after the first song on the random shuffle plays (“Word Up” by Cameo, only Mona’s favorite song of all time, wow I lucked into that one) ... the second song out ... and I wish I’d remembered the camera to record it.
No, it wasn’t “Shout”, of which there are videos of me dancing to. It wasn’t even “Dancin’ on the Ceiling”, again, of which there are videos of me dancing to. It wasn’t “Sweet Caroline”, of which there are way too many videos of me karaoke-ing to.
Nope, what made this moment rule, was not only that every person there, including Ray and his crew, even including Castro for God’s sake, knew every word to the song ... but that as soon as the first few words came out, about 20 different people immediately broke out into singing it for the next five minutes.
“Well it was all ... that I could do ... to keep from crying.”
(Come on, you know you want to join in, if only because the first verse of this song so perfectly describes the Chiefs season to this point ...)
“Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain.
You don’t have to call me darlin’, darlin’.
You never even called me by my name!”
Yes, when twenty plus people are belting out as loud as they can sing “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allan Coe, only THE greatest country song ever written and recorded ... its a keeper of a tailgate.
And this my friends, my “congregation”? Is going to be a keeper of a game, a keeper of a Saturday, and God willing, a keeper of a season. at Chiefs (-2 ½) 35, raiders 30. Again, I pick the final score for each Chiefs game for a very specific reason. If you get the significance of this predicted score, chosen because of the situation we find ourselves in? Congratulations, you’re a die-hard Chiefs fan.
(Hopefully) See Ya Saturday! I have no idea what the menu is, but we’re hooking up with Ray and his crew again, so it’ll be good. We’ll be in our usual spot, so don’t be a stranger – come out and enjoy the Chrismukkah miracle of a lifetime! Or at least of the last five years.
The weather looks good, the football should be entertaining, and really, what would you rather spend Christmas Eve afternoon doing, attending a family gathering? Last minute shopping? Or watching this flawed bunch of scrappy fighters, the “luckiest dreamers who never quit dreaming”, extend the dream for three more hours? I vote option (c). This game WILL be heaven on the eyes.
And here's to PRAYING the eight days after Saturday are hell on every Chiefs and donkeys fan's heart ...
So you wanna be her baby,
I can read your face like a book.
Yeah it looks easy to love her,
But believe me brother --
It's harder than it looks.
She's as pretty as a picture.
Every bit funny as she is smart.
Got a smile that'll hold you together,
And a touch that'll tear you apart.
When she's yours? She brings you sunshine.
When she's gone? The world goes dark.
Yeah, she's heaven on the eyes,
But boy she's hell on the heart ..."
-- "Hell on the Heart" by Eric Church ...
--------------------------
(‘the congregation”) (restless with anticipation)
(“father stevo”) (straightening his “sermon notes”)
Of course it comes down to this.
Four months ago, the Chiefs had lost eight straight, counting pre and post season. The last two of those defeats were the worst – a 41-3 defeat to the doormat Bills, and a 48-3 woodshed-beating by the worse-than-a-doormat Lions.
So of course, it comes down to this.
After surviving a winless September, a winless November, five defeats of 27 points or more, losing our Pro Bowl running back in week two, our Pro Bowl safety in week one, our emerging tight end in preseason, our Pro Bowl quarterback at midseason. After winning one game on a Hail Mary, another on a fumbled center exchange, yet another on two fifty five yard field goals, a fourth by rallying from down 17 to a team that would lose 13 straight. After being reduced to starting Tyler Palko at quarterback, Jackie Battle at tight end, Jake O’Connell at tight end, Sabby Piscatelli and Jon McGraw at safety, and of course, reading every damned disaster just listed and coming to the (sarcasm voice) completely logical conclusion that the only person responsible for this season was the head coach, so let’s fire him – after all of THAT, coupled with me missing my first (non-preseason) home game in a decade because apparently in South Florida, if a f*cking drop of rain happens, that means an instantaneous two hour delay for any and all flights headed west ... of COURSE it comes down to this.
That the two teams who tuned us 89-10 to open the season, control 2/3rds of the fate of the season in their hands on Saturday.
Of course it comes to this. Of course we need the Lions, who beat us like a government mule, to defeat the Chargers. Of course we need the Bills, who treated us like a port-a-potty, to defeat a team that reminds me of a stank urinal, the denver broncos.
And of course the Chiefs, who somehow hold every tie-breaker within the division at 6 and 8, would have to face the team that started the 250 some odd days of defeat and disaster, with both of our seasons on the line. (The loser of Sunday’s Chiefs / raiders contest is eliminated from postseason consideration, regardless of what happens elsewhere.)
I think it’s great. I love symmetry, I love bringing things full circle, and for Chiefs fans, it doesn’t get much better than this, a chance to exercise the demon that began this dark season ... and to exercise the demon that ended the run of greatness twelve years ago.
Of course it comes to this.
Because with a win on Saturday, coupled with Bills and Lions’ victories? Oh boy. You talk about bringing things full circle? You talk about, in the words of the late, great Herb Brooks, “great moments arising from great opportunity”? With those three positive outcomes, it’s going to be the greatest eight day hype for a Chiefs game since 1993. (OK, fine, “technically” 1994, the eight days between beating the Steelers in overtime in the wildcard round, and pounding Buddy Ryan’s ass in Houston eight days later in the divisional round.)
As Kyle Orton would lead these fatally flawed heroes in the Red and Gold into the gates of hell itself, to face his former employer, with a home playoff game and a potential AFC Championship berth on the line.
(You think I’m nuts ... but tell me the Chiefs you saw on Sunday, the broncos you’ve seen the last two months, or the Chargers of the last month couldn’t beat the Steelers at home. Then tell me the Jets can’t beat Baltimore on the road, meaning the winner of AFC West / Pittsburgh goes to Houston to face a quarterback, and a franchise, playing its first ever postseason game, while the Jets get one last crack at their arch-rivals who, in case you’ve forgotten, they thoroughly ass-whipped last January in this same exact spot. And before you call Charter or Two Rivers to commit me, two words ... ok, three. Ready? Arizona. “Super”. Cardinals. The EXACT path they took to the Super Bowl as a 9-7 team a mere three years ago.)
I have no intention (yet) of looking ahead to a potential prime-time battle to decide which mediocre quarterback the broncos took to training camp takes playoff snaps this year. Because there’s still work to do to get there, and quite honestly, I’d put the odds of denver losing on Saturday at a coin flip at best. (I expect Detroit to obliterate the Chargers, for one obvious reason – its “win and you’re in”, and the Lions have tiebreaker over nobody, are staring a 19th straight loss at Lambeau in the face next week, so they have to get to 10 wins to avoid the charging Seahawks or Cardinals, or fading Giants.)
Instead, I want to focus on the task at hand. Defeating the hated oakland raiders.
Do you realize the only game the Chiefs have won by more than 7 points ALL SEASON was the raiders game? It’s insane, but it’s true. We beat the Vikings by 5 because of two 55 yard field goals. We beat the Colts by four thanks to 21 unanswered points, the last seven via one of the most amazing catches you’ll ever see. We beat the Chargers by three in overtime thanks to “The Phumble”, and beat the Bears by 7 because of the Hail Mary. (Plus the Packers by 5 in a game that was really never in doubt, as strange as a five point finale that was never in doubt sounds.)
We know the blueprint of how to do this – we were in this EXACT same spot five years ago, although at oakland on a Saturday instead of hosting them. (That, and we needed eight other outcomes to go our way the last two weeks. This year? Only two. Progress!)
Even more spectacular than any stat I’ve stated so far? Is that 9 of the last 12 between the Chiefs and raiders at Arrowhead have literally been decided on the final snap from scrimmage! 9 of 12! If that doesn’t make you pause and think “wait, are those $5 tickets still available, I need to get my ass in a seat and root like holy hell for my team to beat these f*ckers!”, then check your pulse, or at least question your fandom status. (I know, I know, its Christmas Eve, but for f*ck’s sake, I’m blowing off a family function for this, and I’m pretty sure I’m about one more screwup away from getting written out of the will. Assuming I haven’t already reached that status. I might need to check the safe when I’m at the ‘rents next time ...)
The raiders have won two comfortable games, last year (31-10) and 2008 (23-8 in a game that was 16-8 with six minutes to play.) The Chiefs have one comfortable win in this stretch, in 2002 (20-10 in a game played in a monsoon. Actually, both Chiefs / raiders games in 2002 were played in monsoon-like conditions, now that I think about it).
The other nine? The Chiefs have won four, the raiders have won five, literally on the last snap of the game:
2009: raiders 13, Chiefs 10. janikowski chip shot as time expired.
2007: raiders 20, Chiefs 17. janikowski field goal as time expired.
2006: Chiefs 17, raiders 13. aaron brooks intercepted by jarrad page* on 3rd and goal.
2005: Chiefs 27, raiders 23. LJ accounts for 38 yards and a TD in final ten seconds.
2004: Chiefs 31, raiders 30. Lawrence Tynes field goal as time expired.
2003: Chiefs 27, raiders 24. Morten Anderson field goal as time expired.
2001: raiders 27, Chiefs 24. janikowski chip shot as time expired.
2000: raiders 20, Chiefs 17. janikowski’s first ever game winning field goal, from 52 as time expired.
And the most painful of them all:
1999: raiders 41, Chiefs 38. joe nedney field goal in overtime.
(*: why is jarrad page, a damned fine Chief, in lower case? Simple. If he doesn't blow out Tom Brady's knee to open the 2008 season, Matt Cassel never happens. My hatred of our incumbent starting quarterback is damned near "lower case" status, just like the man who gave him the audition that got him the job has now earned.)
Anyone who thinks this game is going to be easy, anyone who thinks we don’t need every last available member of “the congregation” in a seat on Saturday come high noon, either (a) has not watched a single game the Chiefs have played this year, or (b) clearly has no clue what the Chiefs / raiders rivalry usually results in. (sarcasm voice) your car getting stolen?
(Note: since it’s Chrismukkah season, allow me to tell my favorite raiders joke of all time. Three guys – one wearing a Seahawks cap, one wearing a 49ers cap, one wearing a raiders cap – leave a bar come closing time. On their walk home, they come across a beautiful, smoking hot female laying on the grass, completely naked. She’s not assaulted, not in trouble, she’s just bombed and passed out and somehow lost all of her clothes. (God, why doesn’t this EVER happen to me?!?!) Anyways, out of respect for the woman, and her safety, the guy with the 49ers cap calls 911 on his phone, and places his hat over her right breast. The Seahawks fan places his cap over her left breast, and the raiders fan, for once showing some class, places his cap over her most private of parts.
So a police officer shows up, assesses the situation, takes the three football fans statements, and begins a preliminary investigation for his report. He raises the 49ers cap off the right breast, and replaces it. He raises the Seahawks cap off the left breast, and replaces it. Finally, he lifts the raiders cap, and replaces it.
Then re-raises the raiders cap, repeatedly, as if he is in a state of shock at what he’s seeing underneath. The raiders fan, alarmed, asks the officer why he keeps raising his cap off the woman. To which the officer replies, “I’ve never seen that before”. The raiders fan responds “what, you’ve never seen a woman naked before?” The officer replies, “no sir. Usually when I see a raiders cap, there’s an asshole underneath”. (“the congregation” groans). Thank you, thank you, I’m here all week.)
Now that I’ve completely killed the direction of this post, let me get to the Week 16 picks, and the Game of Great Importance:
* Texans (-7) 24, at Colts 14. I still think the Colts screw themselves out of Luck at J’Ville next week.
* at Redskins (-6 ½) 31, Vikings 20. One team has quit, the other one hasn’t.
* at Titans 3, Jaguars (+7) 0. I wouldn’t wager $0.01 on this outcome, the Titans are too unpredictable.
* at Panthers (-7 ½) 45, Bucs 20. Talk about a team that’s quit on their coach. Your Bucs everyone!
* Cardinals (+4) 21, at Bengals 20. Could Seattle at Arizona decide the NFC 6th seed?
* at Steelers (NL) 17, Rams 0. I could start for Pittsburgh and win this game 3-0.
* at Lions (-2 ½) 56, Chargers 17. Norv, we’d welcome you as our offensive coordinator next fall!
* at Patriots 24, Dolphins (+9) 21. Weird stuff happens when these two get together.
* at Seahawks (+2) 23, 49ers 17. Again, could Seattle at Arizona decide the NFC 6th seed?
* Eagles (+2 ½) 38, at Cowboys 35. Two 8-8 teams hosting 12 win squads will make Pete King’s head explode. Hence, this is THE “Screw You Pete King” Upset of the Week. Oh God please let it actually explode ...
* at Ravens 30, Browns (+12 ½) 20. Have to keep pace with Houston (who holds tiebreak) for first round bye. To say nothing of stay ahead of the Steelers for the division title.
* at Packers (-13) 45, Bears 13. The Bears are literally starting a high school coach at quarterback this week. A freaking HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH! And you know what? I’d still make the Bears a 5 point favorite at Arrowhead against a Tyler Palko led Chiefs squad.
* Falcons (+6 ½) 31, at Saints 28. Total gut check game for both squads. I like the Falcons make-up slightly better than the Saints make-up. Slightly.
* “at” Jets (-3) 24, Giants 17. This coupled with a Bengals loss clinches a playoff berth for the Jets. Thank God. Because that finale at Miami scares me sh*tless if something is on the line.
The Toughest Call of the Week:
My heart says denver wins this. Not just because Jesus hates me and loves him some timmy tebow, but good God, the Bills are in absolute free-fall. A team that’s lost seven in a row couldn’t possibly hand the Chiefs a Chrismukkah miracle, could they?
What’s that? A Bengals team that had lost ELEVEN in a row did that last year by upsetting the Chargers in this spot, with a backup QB starting? Whew. I knew to trust my gut. As badly as NBC wants tebow on its airwaves, what better way to get him than by setting up timmy to deliver the division, at home, against his former “mentor” and competitor? at Bills (+2 ½) 31, broncos 20.
The Chiefs Prognostication:
Both oakland and KC have a lot to play for – if denver and San Diego both lose, then the winner of this game controls its own destiny to win the division (oakland would have tiebreaker over denver via conference record if they win out, no matter what happened between KC and denver).
So please, if you can afford the $5 plus fees to get a ticket online at various reputable resale sites (like ArrowheadPride.com), please – show up Sunday. If you don’t want to pay the $27 for parking, the Bus leaves at 7am, you have a ride there and back for the low, low cost of $0.00. (If you want to use this option, let me know, I’ll send you directions).
We need this one folks. Some dumb f*ck blogger named Stevo went on record four months ago and projected the Chiefs to repeat as AFC West champs (and let’s just ignore the rest of my thoughts about the Chiefs chances this season ... at least for now). My credibility as a mediocre sports gambler is on the line here! (Although if you go back and read the season picks, you’ll notice I’m probably the only person alive who picked the broncos to reach the playoffs. So I guess either way, I’m ok? So long as its not the Chargers or raiders?)
Please, if you can make it, if you can blow off the family, afford the cost, show up. Be loud. Screw that – in the words of Blake Shelton, “(be) Loud! (be) Proud! (and then) Get Worse!!!”
I inadvertently left off one thing from the recap about the Packers game, and how I forgot it, I have no idea, because it was THE moment of tailgating from the year.
The game is over. I finally make it back up to the Bus, and after the celebratory hugs, high-fives, and “holy sh*t, HOW DID WE DO THIS?!?!” expressions of shock, as well as grabbing my bottle of vodka and pouring half of it into a bottle of Glacier Ice Gatorade, I have the following conversation:
(stevo) hey, what’s up with no music?
(everyone) (with a “yeah, what’s up with this?!?!” look)
So I haul out the speakers, and fire up the iPod. Ray and his crew have just arrived. Even more impressively, Castro drove up to join us for the postgame. (Best of all? He’s as f*cking sick of the damned horn his crew uses as we are, hence his decision to join us rather than them. Sweet?)
And after the first song on the random shuffle plays (“Word Up” by Cameo, only Mona’s favorite song of all time, wow I lucked into that one) ... the second song out ... and I wish I’d remembered the camera to record it.
No, it wasn’t “Shout”, of which there are videos of me dancing to. It wasn’t even “Dancin’ on the Ceiling”, again, of which there are videos of me dancing to. It wasn’t “Sweet Caroline”, of which there are way too many videos of me karaoke-ing to.
Nope, what made this moment rule, was not only that every person there, including Ray and his crew, even including Castro for God’s sake, knew every word to the song ... but that as soon as the first few words came out, about 20 different people immediately broke out into singing it for the next five minutes.
“Well it was all ... that I could do ... to keep from crying.”
(Come on, you know you want to join in, if only because the first verse of this song so perfectly describes the Chiefs season to this point ...)
“Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain.
You don’t have to call me darlin’, darlin’.
You never even called me by my name!”
Yes, when twenty plus people are belting out as loud as they can sing “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allan Coe, only THE greatest country song ever written and recorded ... its a keeper of a tailgate.
And this my friends, my “congregation”? Is going to be a keeper of a game, a keeper of a Saturday, and God willing, a keeper of a season. at Chiefs (-2 ½) 35, raiders 30. Again, I pick the final score for each Chiefs game for a very specific reason. If you get the significance of this predicted score, chosen because of the situation we find ourselves in? Congratulations, you’re a die-hard Chiefs fan.
(Hopefully) See Ya Saturday! I have no idea what the menu is, but we’re hooking up with Ray and his crew again, so it’ll be good. We’ll be in our usual spot, so don’t be a stranger – come out and enjoy the Chrismukkah miracle of a lifetime! Or at least of the last five years.
The weather looks good, the football should be entertaining, and really, what would you rather spend Christmas Eve afternoon doing, attending a family gathering? Last minute shopping? Or watching this flawed bunch of scrappy fighters, the “luckiest dreamers who never quit dreaming”, extend the dream for three more hours? I vote option (c). This game WILL be heaven on the eyes.
And here's to PRAYING the eight days after Saturday are hell on every Chiefs and donkeys fan's heart ...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
the eight worst tv seasons of all time (according to stevo)
In what will come as a shock to noone, I fear … I watch way, way, way too much television for my own good. And like a lot of TV junkies, I have my shows that I love.
But sometimes … those shows deliver a season, or a string of episodes, that literally have you chucking empty beer bottles at the television, and hitting up message boards and blogs with a “who the hell greenlit THAT script?!?!” fits of rage.
So tonight’s post? The eight worst seasons of TV shows I loved ever. (Or the eight seasons I really, really hated). Trust me – there’s some clunkers in here from some epically awesome television shows. (And in two cases, epically crappy shows that I love, so deal with it.)
8. “Lost” season three (2006-2007 season).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: good grief, where do I begin? For starters, you had two seasons in one – a mini six-episode fall season, and then 18 in a row starting in January. Which would have been fine … had the initial six episodes (and in the second half, episodes 8 and 9, especially) not been so crappy.
Season’s Worst Episode: episode 9 (“Stranger in a Strange Land”). Yes, this show literally spent a freaking hour focused on where, when, how, and why Jack got his tattoos. I swore when this hour of shit was over, that if episode 10 didn’t deliver a knockout punch, I was through with this show.
Season’s Best Episode: (tie). Episode 10 (“Trisha Tanaka Is Dead”) is one of my favorite episode “Lost” ever did. It’s certainly one of the funnest they ever did. But the closing three episodes (“The Man Behind the Curtain”, “Greatest Hits”, “Through the Looking Glass”) totally redeemed the season, and took the show from good … to epically good.
Season’s Most Underrated Episode: episode 15 (“Expose”). I hated Nikki and Paulo as much as any other “Lost” fan … but this was one really fun episode. Right down to how the two of them “die” in the end. Honorable mention to episode seven (“Not in Portland”), which established my favorite “Lost” character in a very good way (Juliet).
Season’s MVP: gotta go with Ben Linus of all people. Hurley saved the season, so to speak, with his “Shambala” moment in episode 10 … but “The Man Behind the Curtain” is so epically incredible, Linus (Michael Emerson) earned his MVP status with that episode alone. (To say nothing of his job in “Through the Looking Glass” two episodes later, and his rock solid effort in the opening six episodes.)
Season’s LVP: (tie) Jin and Sun. I never understood the love for these two awful characters. Too bad the damned spiders didn’t bite them instead of Nikki and Paulo.
Bottom Line: “Lost”, uuh, lost its way in season three for pretty much the first half of the season. It was so bad that the writers (to their credit) went to ABC and negotiated an end date for the series, to prevent another “Stranger in a Strange Land” drag-out / stalling for time episode. Given how good season four was, how incredible season five was, and satisfying season six was, I’d say season three is a fitting sacrifice for what was to come.
7. “NYPD Blue” season eight (2001 season – “Blue” ran non-stop January through May the last six years it was on the air).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: again, where do I begin? Danny Sorenson’s character was a disaster. David Milch left after season seven to write “Deadwood”, and the shitty scripts shone through without him. Every cliché known to writers without a clue? Got hauled out in season eight. Kid with cancer? Check. Partners with no chemistry forced into a sexual relationship just because? Check. New cast addition that can’t act but looks good? Check. This season tried the patience of even the biggest “Blue” fan imaginable. (Hey, that’s me!)
Season’s Worst Episode: episode 10 (“In the Still of the Night”). The last five minutes of this episode will have you hurling whiskey bottles at your television, its that awful. Although to be fair, the entire episode deserves its own reserved spot in at least the second layer of hell.
Season’s Best Episode: none. I suppose “In the Wind” (season finale) deserves consideration, if only because it gave you a glimmer of hope that Danny Sorenson was dead. But nothing from this season deserves to be remembered in a positive manner, for the most part.
Most Underrated Episode: episode 13 (“Flight of Fancy”). I always liked James McDaniel’s Lt. Fancy. Give him credit for bailing when he saw the ship sinking. What he couldn’t have foreseen … is that this season was so awful, Steven Bochco had no choice but to clean house … which he did spectacularly well.
Season’s MVP: the addition of Connie McDowell (Charlotte Ross). She gave viewers a reason to tune in once she came on board at mid-season. Honorable mention to Esai Morales’ Lt. Tony Rodriguez, who replaced Lt. Fancy at about the same time. Give Bochco credit – he knew his franchise was going down, and he pulled out all the stops to plug the hole.
Season’s LVP: the addition of Garcelle Bouvois-Nivon as ADA Valerie Haywood. I may have never hated a TV character more than I hated ADA Haywood. And I never hated ADA Haywood more than the closing scenes of “In the Still Of the Night”.
Bottom Line: again, to Bochco’s credit, he recognized the train wreck when he saw it. He brought in Ross and Morales to revamp the cast, let Schroder go in favor of Mark Paul Gosselaar’s John Clark, who completely revitalized the show, and bought four more years of viewing pleasure out of the changes made as a result of this season. Unfortunately, the season was so awful, it bled nearly a quarter of its audience, and “Blue” was never the landmark show it had been ever again.
(Also hurting “Blue”? Kim Delaney (played Diane Russell) left for a new show, “Philly”, a criminitely underrated drama that lasted one season before ABC cancelled it. By that point, there was nowhere for Delaney to come back to on “Blue”, save for the guest arc in the final season. You bleed off not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but SEVEN major characters in two years (Delaney’s Russell, McDaniel’s Fancy, Schroder’s Sorenson, plus Sharon Lawrence’s Sylvia, Jimmy Smits’ Simone, Nicholas Turtorro’s Martinez, and Andrea Thompson’s Kirkendall), plus lose your lead writer? You’re in trouble. The fact that “Blue” made it four years after this season, is a tribute to how good a writer Bill Clark grew into … that, or how much us die-hard fans loved this show.)
6. “The Practice” season seven (2002-2003).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: the entire Lindsay as a convicted murderer / Bobby as an adulterer themes that dominated the season. Neither plot development was even remotely believable, which probably explains why the show fell from top 20 to barely top 75 almost overnight.
Season’s Worst Episode: episode 19 (“Les is More”). By “Les”, yes, it is THE Les Moonves, guest starring as himself, held hostage by a deranged psycho played by Andie MacDowell. Uum, let the hilarity ensue?
Season’s Best Episode: “Goodbye” (season finale). Written as the series finale until the show received an unexpected eighth season pickup, it actually works quite well, both to close the season and close the series as it existed. Still, the main plot line is insane (woman changes her appearance via massive plastic surgery to go on the lam with her husband-killing boyfriend!), and the resolution of Bobby and Lindsay will infuriate anyone who ever invested any time with those two.
Most Underrated Episode: episode 12 (“Final Judgments”). This show was always at its best when railing against our inhumane capital punishment laws, and it rarely did a better job than in this episode.
Season MVP: Jamie Stringer (Jessica Capshaw). The second best addition David E. Kelley ever made to this show. Her romantic involvement with Eugene was tragically chucked under the bus for season eight.
Season LVP: Bobby Donnell (Dylan McDermott). Any scene with him in it, is excruciating to watch. He’s in full on “mail it in” mode from about episode eight on, and it shows through. An awful all-around performance, week in week out, from the alleged star of the show.
Bottom Line: Kelley bought himself an eighth season by pledging to clean house, and boy did he – out the door were Rebecca, Bobby, Lindsay, and Lucy. In came James Spader, as Alan Shore. Between the 22 episodes of season eight, and the five seasons of “Boston Legal” after that, I’d say the changes season seven forced the creative staff to make, were worth it.
5. “Friday Night Lights” season two (2007-2008).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: something about Landry, Tyra, and a murder. To call this the worst major plot line of the 2007 fall season, is an understatement. It nearly roo-eened the show, and probably should have caused its cancellation.
Season’s Worst Episode: episode 9 (“The Confession”). At least it ended the murder sub-plot … but did so in the most ridiculous way imaginable. There’s a reason why “Lights” fanatics like myself pretend season two didn’t exist.
Season’s Best Episode: none. If I never see a single episode from season two again, my life will be better because of it.
Most Underrated Episode: episode 8 (“Seeing Other People”). If only because the whole “Lyla as a born again Christian” plot had potential. Even if, like every other damned thing in this season, it was so unbelievable that it simply insulted the audience.
Season’s MVP: Buddy Garrity (Brad Leland), by default. His was the only believable plot line out of the entire season.
Season’s LVP: the creative staff who “came up with” the Landry / Tyra / rapist murder plot. It single-handedly destroyed the show.
Bottom line: the show never recovered from the murder plot. It bled its audience weekly. NBC committed to a shortened season three, but the damage was done. Seasons four and five aired on DirecTV first, and NBC bumped their contractual obligation to air the episodes to Friday nights in the summer, when nobody watches TV. In fairness? The murder subplot was so awful, “Lights” probably deserved that fate. But the other four seasons are amongst the best in television history.
4. “American Idol” season five (2006).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: what, aside from the fact that the three best contestants finished 3rd, 4th, and didn’t reach the top 12 (due to his own choosing)? I know – the fact that Katherine McPhee finished 2nd! Or that Taylor Hicks won this thing because … well, I’m still not sure how the hell that happened. But when your options are Katherine McPhee or Taylor Hicks, uum yes, I voted for Taylor. Repeatedly.
Season’s Worst Episode: Elvis Presley Night (top four). Hicks, McPhee, Elliott Yamin, and Chris Daughtry. Who would you boot? Amazingly enough, the American public booted … Daughtry. Insane.
Season’s Best Episode: 2000s Night (top ten). Kellie Pickler nailed Sara Evans. Ace Young nailed Train. And oh yeah, Elliott Yamin established himself as my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition with an incredible performance of Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be”.
Most Underrated Episode: Country Night (top nine). Taylor covered John Denver, Elliott covered Garth, and Kellie Pickler’s “Fancy” was epically good. To say nothing of Daughtry covering Johnny Cash.
Season’s MVP: Chris Daughtry. At worst, he’s the third most successful star this show has ever launched, behind Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Unlike Kelly and Carrie … Daughtry didn’t even get a homecoming episode, let alone win this season.
Season’s LVP: Katherine McPhee. Words cannot express how much I despise this chick.
Bottom line: “Idol”’s worst season (in my opinion) … was followed up by “Idol”’s best season (in my opinion). The reason? Beats the hell out of me. Season five had every bit as much talent and depth as season six did. But unlike season six, the two least qualified of the talent pool somehow made it to the final.
3. “Hunter” season seven (1990-1991).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: uuh, no Dee Dee McCall? Stepfanie Kramer left “Hunter” after season six to pursue other interests. And to “Hunter”’s credit, they replaced her with a rock solid partner in Chris Novak (Lauren Lane). Unfortunately … there were thirteen non-Novak episodes to open the season, with Darlanne Fluegel as Sgt. Molenski. To call her episodes unwatchable, is an insult to the word “unwatchable”.
Season’s Worst Episode: episode seven (“Oh The Shark Bites”). “Hunter” was always at its worst when it had a Captain Devane centric episode. (Like “Lost” with a Kate-centric episode, you just kept grabbing cold ones out of the fridge to get through it.) This one takes the cake – Devane with mob ties! Please, do yourself a favor and NEVER pull this episode up on Hulu.
Season’s Best Episode: episode twenty (“Cries of Silence”). This actually is one of the best episodes “Hunter” ever did, across any season, and showed just how dialed in “Hunter” was by the end of the season. Unfortunately, the show had bled off so much of its audience due to the first 11, 12 episodes of the season, that it didn’t matter. So please, do yourself a favor, and DO pull this episode up on Hulu. You won’t regret the 48 some odd minutes spent with it, especially with the “wait … what?!?!” final scene. (OK, fine, I’m a sucker for “dude sacrifices everything he has for the girl he really loves” moment. What can I say, I’m retarded like that sometimes.)
Most Underrated Episode: episode twenty one (“Ex Marks the Spot”). I kind of wish this had been the series finale (it was the next to last episode). It’s a very funny episode. Don Rickles guest stars as a sleazy dry cleaners owner. Yes, hilarity ensues. Its that, or episode twelve (“Fatal Obsession Part One”), where Molenski is killed off. And trust me – after forty minutes of watching her “act”, you’re rooting for the serial killer to off her (which she does). Trust me – her acting is SO epically awful, you root for a cop killer to kill a cop. Sign 1,032,295 you’ve created an awful, awful, awful television character: when you root for her to die at the hands of a serial cop killer!
Season MVP: Chris Novak (Lauren Lane). Nearly single-handedly saved the show from cancellation, completely revitalized the show, and stole the scenes she was in. Lane would parlay this ten episode run the next fall into a role as CC Babcock on “The Nanny”, her role of a lifetime. She earned it with this ten episode run. Honorable mention to the season seven theme song, the best version “Hunter” ever did. And yes, seeing Charlie “hustle” at the :55 second mark still makes me laugh out loud 21 years later. Uum, not that I ever owned that Members Only jacket, (verne lundquist voice) no sir! … let’s just move on.
Season LVP: Joanne Molenski (Darlanne Fluegel). Fifty years from now, TV professors will be showing her episodes as examples of wooden acting, lack of talent, lack of passion, and horrific casting.
Bottom Line: to be fair, the series probably should have ended when McCall left after season six, as to many fans of the show, it died when she left. But Lauren Lane’s Sgt. Novak showed what could have been, and salvaged the final thoughts of the show in most fan’s eyes.
OK, fine, it salvaged it in my eyes. “Hunter” is one of the two crappy shows on this countdown that I will not apologize for loving. (The other one is up next). What can I say, my Saturday nights as a 9, 10, 11 year old were spent on the couch watching NBC with my mom. “Golden Girls”, “227”, “Amen”, “Empty Nest”, and “Hunter”. Which, to be fair, is still a better prime-time lineup than NBC has on ANY night of the week in 2011, save for maybe Sundays in the fall.
2. “Good Times” season six (1976-1977).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: believe it or not … Florida’s return. Nah, I’m just kidding, that was by far and away the season’s highlight. No, the season sucked something awful because (hang on, suspend ANY and ALL belief in reality right … about … now …) a first round draft pick of the Chicago Bears, from Northwestern, falls in love with Thelma (note: that ain’t the unbelievable part) … then somehow blows out his knee walking down the aisle (note: STILL not the unbelievable part) … then LOSES his contract with said Bears for most of the season! Now, I know 1976 was a long time ago. Christ, I was still in my mommy’s tummy at that point. But not even 35 years ago did NFL teams, I don’t know, CUT THEIR FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK BECAUSE OF A RECOVERABLE INJURY! Even more outrageous? (wait for it …) The Bears gave Keith a contract in the season finale for MORE than they offered in the season opener! Wait, what?!?! And you wonder why this season ranks only second? (florida evans voice) So do I child. So do I!!!
Season’s Worst Episode: episode four (“Florida’s Homecoming: United We Stand”). JJ taking money from a pimp to pay for his sister’s wedding? Totally believable. Said pimp accepting a worthless locket in repayment because Flo says its so? Color me shocked – shocked! – that this show tumbled from a top 20 mainstay to an after-thought literally overnight.
Season’s Best Episode: episode twenty (“A Matter of Mothers”). If you loved season five (and I did), then the payoff here is worth wading through 19 half hours of abject bullshit to get to. This might be “Good Times” final seasons’ finest hour. Screw that – it is its finest hour.
Most Underrated Episode: episode nineteen (“The Physical”). Not a great thirty minutes of television … but seeing a rant against the insanity that is our medical system … as well as seeing a ten-years-early Captain Devane, makes it all worth it.
Season MVP: Gotta go with Keith (Ben Gordon). An awful, awful cast addition who is so awful … that you just can’t turn away, in a trainwreck kind of way.
Season LVP: Also gotta go with Keith. Trust me – by the time you get to the inevitable “Keith’s an alcoholic” episode, you’ll be chugging right along with him. This season was so epically awful, its an embarrassment to call it “Good Times”.
Bottom Line: show was cancelled midway through season six, and CBS burned off the remaining episodes in the summer. Smart call. This season was horrific. Somewhere in the great beyond, the great Esther Rolle is rolling over on a cloud, regretting for all of eternity her decision to return to attempt to right the sinking ship. Not even a semi-decent series finale can salvage this 12 hour run of horseshit from history’s graveyard of horrific ideas.
But your “winner”? A season of a television classic that, in hindsight … looks worse than it did at the time. Although it did have a few bright moments …
1. “Roseanne” season nine (1996-1997).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: I know the obvious answer most people will give is “because the Conners won $108 million dollars in the Illinois state lottery!” And you would be wrong. I actually loved the lottery subplot, and if you go back and watch the first three episodes from season nine, the season started out as good, if not better, than any season of “Roseanne”. What KILLED the season was episodes four through eleven, when John Goodman left the show. By the time they backed the Brinks truck up and bribed Dan Conner back onto the set, nearly a third of the audience was gone, and after not one, but two so ridiculously unbelievable, unfunny, and utterly retarded episodes had aired, that nobody took the show credibly anymore.
Season’s Worst Episode: (tie). Episode eight (“Roseambo”) and episode nine (“Home is Where the Afghan Is”). My God, how do you pick between these two piles of garbage? “Roseambo” is exactly what it sounds like – Roseanne, on a train, “rescuing” her family and passengers as Steven Seagal himself guest-stars. Yes, this episode actually occurred. Someone actually not only green-lighted this ridiculous plot, they got paid for it.
But as bad as “Roseambo” was … “Afghan” might have been worse. By this point, Roseanne was just chucking stuff against the wall to see what stuck, and in the ultimate “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” plot twist of a century … she has her mother, written as a conservative Republican who hates gay people for EIGHT FREAKING YEARS before this, out herself as a lesbian at Thanksgiving dinner. She pretty much single-handedly ensured her cancellation with this episode.
Season’s Best Episode: Episode three (“What a Day for a Daydream”). The 200th episode of the series, the third of the season, and it’s amongst the 5 or 6 best episodes the show ever produced. The plot is basically the Conner clan sitting around the table having dinner, with Roseanne tripping out every so often into fantasy land … and it delivers. The Conners on “Jerry Springer”? As funny as you’d expect it to be. Roseanne winning the Miss Universe pageant? As repulsive in a swimsuit as you’d expect her to look (and yet, it works, you’ll be laughing at the visual). And the best moment – Roseanne and Jackie posing for Playboy wearing nothing but a tub-full of cash? You’re damned right the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner not only signed off on this, he guest-starred in this episode. (For those of you who have ever wondered, my Hugh Hefner quote I love to use in various posts, “this is going to be something … (dramatic pause) … REALLY special!”, comes from this episode. It’s a great 30 minutes, right down to the “you won’t nominate us for an Emmy? Fine, we’ll nominate ourselves!” eff you closing scene that’s so piss poorly acted (intentionally), that you’ll be crying from laughing so hard at DJ “portraying” Moses. (It sounds insane, but again, it works.) One of the few bright spots of a horrific season.
Most Underrated Episode: episode eleven (“Home for the Holidays”). For three reasons. (1) Dan returns, and for the first 20 something minutes (right up until the scene on the closing credits), it seems like the show is back on track. (2) The gift exchange scene, when Roseanne gives Dan his main gift for Christmas 1996, will make any fan of this show, who stuck with it for the prior eight years, stand, applaud, cry, and cheer right along with the Conner clan. It’s a really, really neat moment. Really neat. And (3) that closing credits scene? Whatever last link to the previous eight years of goodwill, humor, and meaning this show had in its ninth season? Was tossed under the bus. Because of ALL the insane, ridiculous, “there is no f*cking way this would EVER happen” plotlines of season nine, the one this closing scene launched was the most insane, ridiculous, “there is no f*cking way this would EVER happen” of all of them.
Season MVP: (tie) Leon and Scott (played by Martin Mull and the greatness that is Fred Willard). This show criminitely under-used these two once they married them in season eight. But these two are just comedic gold in any scene they’re in together.
Season LVP: Prince Philip (played by Jim Varney). Yes, THE Jim Varney, playing a prince who sees Jackie in a tabloid, and spends the first half of the season trying to win her over. Let that sink in – Jim Varney, “Ernest P. Worle”, playing royalty. Truly, it is beyond amazing that ABC’s Tuesday night lineup that fall did as well as it did with this show as a lead-in – “Spin City” established itself as a breakout hit, “Home Improvement” was a top three show, and “NYPD Blue” was in the top ten. With this crap as its leadoff hitter.
Bottom line: if you ever want to see how NOT to write a sitcom, this season is it. The first three episodes are not only completely re-watchable, they show the potential the lottery subplot held. And then … the floor falls out. Its almost like nobody considered what to do AFTER the Conners won the lottery. “OK, they win … now what?” If you had jaunting off to Cape Cod, extended spa stays, Rambo ripoffs, gay mothers, cheating husbands, premature babies, a fifteen year old knocking boots with a co-ed attracted to him only for his family’s money, AND resurrecting the corpse of Wellman Plastics as a storyline as the answer, well, then you’re dumber than the writers and producers who actually used all those plotlines as season nine unfolded.
The season opened strong, and it actually finished with two rock-solid episodes. It’s the 18 in between that earned its designation as the worst season of television I’ve ever watched. And man, did those episodes “earn” that designation …
But sometimes … those shows deliver a season, or a string of episodes, that literally have you chucking empty beer bottles at the television, and hitting up message boards and blogs with a “who the hell greenlit THAT script?!?!” fits of rage.
So tonight’s post? The eight worst seasons of TV shows I loved ever. (Or the eight seasons I really, really hated). Trust me – there’s some clunkers in here from some epically awesome television shows. (And in two cases, epically crappy shows that I love, so deal with it.)
8. “Lost” season three (2006-2007 season).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: good grief, where do I begin? For starters, you had two seasons in one – a mini six-episode fall season, and then 18 in a row starting in January. Which would have been fine … had the initial six episodes (and in the second half, episodes 8 and 9, especially) not been so crappy.
Season’s Worst Episode: episode 9 (“Stranger in a Strange Land”). Yes, this show literally spent a freaking hour focused on where, when, how, and why Jack got his tattoos. I swore when this hour of shit was over, that if episode 10 didn’t deliver a knockout punch, I was through with this show.
Season’s Best Episode: (tie). Episode 10 (“Trisha Tanaka Is Dead”) is one of my favorite episode “Lost” ever did. It’s certainly one of the funnest they ever did. But the closing three episodes (“The Man Behind the Curtain”, “Greatest Hits”, “Through the Looking Glass”) totally redeemed the season, and took the show from good … to epically good.
Season’s Most Underrated Episode: episode 15 (“Expose”). I hated Nikki and Paulo as much as any other “Lost” fan … but this was one really fun episode. Right down to how the two of them “die” in the end. Honorable mention to episode seven (“Not in Portland”), which established my favorite “Lost” character in a very good way (Juliet).
Season’s MVP: gotta go with Ben Linus of all people. Hurley saved the season, so to speak, with his “Shambala” moment in episode 10 … but “The Man Behind the Curtain” is so epically incredible, Linus (Michael Emerson) earned his MVP status with that episode alone. (To say nothing of his job in “Through the Looking Glass” two episodes later, and his rock solid effort in the opening six episodes.)
Season’s LVP: (tie) Jin and Sun. I never understood the love for these two awful characters. Too bad the damned spiders didn’t bite them instead of Nikki and Paulo.
Bottom Line: “Lost”, uuh, lost its way in season three for pretty much the first half of the season. It was so bad that the writers (to their credit) went to ABC and negotiated an end date for the series, to prevent another “Stranger in a Strange Land” drag-out / stalling for time episode. Given how good season four was, how incredible season five was, and satisfying season six was, I’d say season three is a fitting sacrifice for what was to come.
7. “NYPD Blue” season eight (2001 season – “Blue” ran non-stop January through May the last six years it was on the air).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: again, where do I begin? Danny Sorenson’s character was a disaster. David Milch left after season seven to write “Deadwood”, and the shitty scripts shone through without him. Every cliché known to writers without a clue? Got hauled out in season eight. Kid with cancer? Check. Partners with no chemistry forced into a sexual relationship just because? Check. New cast addition that can’t act but looks good? Check. This season tried the patience of even the biggest “Blue” fan imaginable. (Hey, that’s me!)
Season’s Worst Episode: episode 10 (“In the Still of the Night”). The last five minutes of this episode will have you hurling whiskey bottles at your television, its that awful. Although to be fair, the entire episode deserves its own reserved spot in at least the second layer of hell.
Season’s Best Episode: none. I suppose “In the Wind” (season finale) deserves consideration, if only because it gave you a glimmer of hope that Danny Sorenson was dead. But nothing from this season deserves to be remembered in a positive manner, for the most part.
Most Underrated Episode: episode 13 (“Flight of Fancy”). I always liked James McDaniel’s Lt. Fancy. Give him credit for bailing when he saw the ship sinking. What he couldn’t have foreseen … is that this season was so awful, Steven Bochco had no choice but to clean house … which he did spectacularly well.
Season’s MVP: the addition of Connie McDowell (Charlotte Ross). She gave viewers a reason to tune in once she came on board at mid-season. Honorable mention to Esai Morales’ Lt. Tony Rodriguez, who replaced Lt. Fancy at about the same time. Give Bochco credit – he knew his franchise was going down, and he pulled out all the stops to plug the hole.
Season’s LVP: the addition of Garcelle Bouvois-Nivon as ADA Valerie Haywood. I may have never hated a TV character more than I hated ADA Haywood. And I never hated ADA Haywood more than the closing scenes of “In the Still Of the Night”.
Bottom Line: again, to Bochco’s credit, he recognized the train wreck when he saw it. He brought in Ross and Morales to revamp the cast, let Schroder go in favor of Mark Paul Gosselaar’s John Clark, who completely revitalized the show, and bought four more years of viewing pleasure out of the changes made as a result of this season. Unfortunately, the season was so awful, it bled nearly a quarter of its audience, and “Blue” was never the landmark show it had been ever again.
(Also hurting “Blue”? Kim Delaney (played Diane Russell) left for a new show, “Philly”, a criminitely underrated drama that lasted one season before ABC cancelled it. By that point, there was nowhere for Delaney to come back to on “Blue”, save for the guest arc in the final season. You bleed off not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but SEVEN major characters in two years (Delaney’s Russell, McDaniel’s Fancy, Schroder’s Sorenson, plus Sharon Lawrence’s Sylvia, Jimmy Smits’ Simone, Nicholas Turtorro’s Martinez, and Andrea Thompson’s Kirkendall), plus lose your lead writer? You’re in trouble. The fact that “Blue” made it four years after this season, is a tribute to how good a writer Bill Clark grew into … that, or how much us die-hard fans loved this show.)
6. “The Practice” season seven (2002-2003).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: the entire Lindsay as a convicted murderer / Bobby as an adulterer themes that dominated the season. Neither plot development was even remotely believable, which probably explains why the show fell from top 20 to barely top 75 almost overnight.
Season’s Worst Episode: episode 19 (“Les is More”). By “Les”, yes, it is THE Les Moonves, guest starring as himself, held hostage by a deranged psycho played by Andie MacDowell. Uum, let the hilarity ensue?
Season’s Best Episode: “Goodbye” (season finale). Written as the series finale until the show received an unexpected eighth season pickup, it actually works quite well, both to close the season and close the series as it existed. Still, the main plot line is insane (woman changes her appearance via massive plastic surgery to go on the lam with her husband-killing boyfriend!), and the resolution of Bobby and Lindsay will infuriate anyone who ever invested any time with those two.
Most Underrated Episode: episode 12 (“Final Judgments”). This show was always at its best when railing against our inhumane capital punishment laws, and it rarely did a better job than in this episode.
Season MVP: Jamie Stringer (Jessica Capshaw). The second best addition David E. Kelley ever made to this show. Her romantic involvement with Eugene was tragically chucked under the bus for season eight.
Season LVP: Bobby Donnell (Dylan McDermott). Any scene with him in it, is excruciating to watch. He’s in full on “mail it in” mode from about episode eight on, and it shows through. An awful all-around performance, week in week out, from the alleged star of the show.
Bottom Line: Kelley bought himself an eighth season by pledging to clean house, and boy did he – out the door were Rebecca, Bobby, Lindsay, and Lucy. In came James Spader, as Alan Shore. Between the 22 episodes of season eight, and the five seasons of “Boston Legal” after that, I’d say the changes season seven forced the creative staff to make, were worth it.
5. “Friday Night Lights” season two (2007-2008).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: something about Landry, Tyra, and a murder. To call this the worst major plot line of the 2007 fall season, is an understatement. It nearly roo-eened the show, and probably should have caused its cancellation.
Season’s Worst Episode: episode 9 (“The Confession”). At least it ended the murder sub-plot … but did so in the most ridiculous way imaginable. There’s a reason why “Lights” fanatics like myself pretend season two didn’t exist.
Season’s Best Episode: none. If I never see a single episode from season two again, my life will be better because of it.
Most Underrated Episode: episode 8 (“Seeing Other People”). If only because the whole “Lyla as a born again Christian” plot had potential. Even if, like every other damned thing in this season, it was so unbelievable that it simply insulted the audience.
Season’s MVP: Buddy Garrity (Brad Leland), by default. His was the only believable plot line out of the entire season.
Season’s LVP: the creative staff who “came up with” the Landry / Tyra / rapist murder plot. It single-handedly destroyed the show.
Bottom line: the show never recovered from the murder plot. It bled its audience weekly. NBC committed to a shortened season three, but the damage was done. Seasons four and five aired on DirecTV first, and NBC bumped their contractual obligation to air the episodes to Friday nights in the summer, when nobody watches TV. In fairness? The murder subplot was so awful, “Lights” probably deserved that fate. But the other four seasons are amongst the best in television history.
4. “American Idol” season five (2006).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: what, aside from the fact that the three best contestants finished 3rd, 4th, and didn’t reach the top 12 (due to his own choosing)? I know – the fact that Katherine McPhee finished 2nd! Or that Taylor Hicks won this thing because … well, I’m still not sure how the hell that happened. But when your options are Katherine McPhee or Taylor Hicks, uum yes, I voted for Taylor. Repeatedly.
Season’s Worst Episode: Elvis Presley Night (top four). Hicks, McPhee, Elliott Yamin, and Chris Daughtry. Who would you boot? Amazingly enough, the American public booted … Daughtry. Insane.
Season’s Best Episode: 2000s Night (top ten). Kellie Pickler nailed Sara Evans. Ace Young nailed Train. And oh yeah, Elliott Yamin established himself as my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition with an incredible performance of Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be”.
Most Underrated Episode: Country Night (top nine). Taylor covered John Denver, Elliott covered Garth, and Kellie Pickler’s “Fancy” was epically good. To say nothing of Daughtry covering Johnny Cash.
Season’s MVP: Chris Daughtry. At worst, he’s the third most successful star this show has ever launched, behind Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Unlike Kelly and Carrie … Daughtry didn’t even get a homecoming episode, let alone win this season.
Season’s LVP: Katherine McPhee. Words cannot express how much I despise this chick.
Bottom line: “Idol”’s worst season (in my opinion) … was followed up by “Idol”’s best season (in my opinion). The reason? Beats the hell out of me. Season five had every bit as much talent and depth as season six did. But unlike season six, the two least qualified of the talent pool somehow made it to the final.
3. “Hunter” season seven (1990-1991).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: uuh, no Dee Dee McCall? Stepfanie Kramer left “Hunter” after season six to pursue other interests. And to “Hunter”’s credit, they replaced her with a rock solid partner in Chris Novak (Lauren Lane). Unfortunately … there were thirteen non-Novak episodes to open the season, with Darlanne Fluegel as Sgt. Molenski. To call her episodes unwatchable, is an insult to the word “unwatchable”.
Season’s Worst Episode: episode seven (“Oh The Shark Bites”). “Hunter” was always at its worst when it had a Captain Devane centric episode. (Like “Lost” with a Kate-centric episode, you just kept grabbing cold ones out of the fridge to get through it.) This one takes the cake – Devane with mob ties! Please, do yourself a favor and NEVER pull this episode up on Hulu.
Season’s Best Episode: episode twenty (“Cries of Silence”). This actually is one of the best episodes “Hunter” ever did, across any season, and showed just how dialed in “Hunter” was by the end of the season. Unfortunately, the show had bled off so much of its audience due to the first 11, 12 episodes of the season, that it didn’t matter. So please, do yourself a favor, and DO pull this episode up on Hulu. You won’t regret the 48 some odd minutes spent with it, especially with the “wait … what?!?!” final scene. (OK, fine, I’m a sucker for “dude sacrifices everything he has for the girl he really loves” moment. What can I say, I’m retarded like that sometimes.)
Most Underrated Episode: episode twenty one (“Ex Marks the Spot”). I kind of wish this had been the series finale (it was the next to last episode). It’s a very funny episode. Don Rickles guest stars as a sleazy dry cleaners owner. Yes, hilarity ensues. Its that, or episode twelve (“Fatal Obsession Part One”), where Molenski is killed off. And trust me – after forty minutes of watching her “act”, you’re rooting for the serial killer to off her (which she does). Trust me – her acting is SO epically awful, you root for a cop killer to kill a cop. Sign 1,032,295 you’ve created an awful, awful, awful television character: when you root for her to die at the hands of a serial cop killer!
Season MVP: Chris Novak (Lauren Lane). Nearly single-handedly saved the show from cancellation, completely revitalized the show, and stole the scenes she was in. Lane would parlay this ten episode run the next fall into a role as CC Babcock on “The Nanny”, her role of a lifetime. She earned it with this ten episode run. Honorable mention to the season seven theme song, the best version “Hunter” ever did. And yes, seeing Charlie “hustle” at the :55 second mark still makes me laugh out loud 21 years later. Uum, not that I ever owned that Members Only jacket, (verne lundquist voice) no sir! … let’s just move on.
Season LVP: Joanne Molenski (Darlanne Fluegel). Fifty years from now, TV professors will be showing her episodes as examples of wooden acting, lack of talent, lack of passion, and horrific casting.
Bottom Line: to be fair, the series probably should have ended when McCall left after season six, as to many fans of the show, it died when she left. But Lauren Lane’s Sgt. Novak showed what could have been, and salvaged the final thoughts of the show in most fan’s eyes.
OK, fine, it salvaged it in my eyes. “Hunter” is one of the two crappy shows on this countdown that I will not apologize for loving. (The other one is up next). What can I say, my Saturday nights as a 9, 10, 11 year old were spent on the couch watching NBC with my mom. “Golden Girls”, “227”, “Amen”, “Empty Nest”, and “Hunter”. Which, to be fair, is still a better prime-time lineup than NBC has on ANY night of the week in 2011, save for maybe Sundays in the fall.
2. “Good Times” season six (1976-1977).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: believe it or not … Florida’s return. Nah, I’m just kidding, that was by far and away the season’s highlight. No, the season sucked something awful because (hang on, suspend ANY and ALL belief in reality right … about … now …) a first round draft pick of the Chicago Bears, from Northwestern, falls in love with Thelma (note: that ain’t the unbelievable part) … then somehow blows out his knee walking down the aisle (note: STILL not the unbelievable part) … then LOSES his contract with said Bears for most of the season! Now, I know 1976 was a long time ago. Christ, I was still in my mommy’s tummy at that point. But not even 35 years ago did NFL teams, I don’t know, CUT THEIR FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK BECAUSE OF A RECOVERABLE INJURY! Even more outrageous? (wait for it …) The Bears gave Keith a contract in the season finale for MORE than they offered in the season opener! Wait, what?!?! And you wonder why this season ranks only second? (florida evans voice) So do I child. So do I!!!
Season’s Worst Episode: episode four (“Florida’s Homecoming: United We Stand”). JJ taking money from a pimp to pay for his sister’s wedding? Totally believable. Said pimp accepting a worthless locket in repayment because Flo says its so? Color me shocked – shocked! – that this show tumbled from a top 20 mainstay to an after-thought literally overnight.
Season’s Best Episode: episode twenty (“A Matter of Mothers”). If you loved season five (and I did), then the payoff here is worth wading through 19 half hours of abject bullshit to get to. This might be “Good Times” final seasons’ finest hour. Screw that – it is its finest hour.
Most Underrated Episode: episode nineteen (“The Physical”). Not a great thirty minutes of television … but seeing a rant against the insanity that is our medical system … as well as seeing a ten-years-early Captain Devane, makes it all worth it.
Season MVP: Gotta go with Keith (Ben Gordon). An awful, awful cast addition who is so awful … that you just can’t turn away, in a trainwreck kind of way.
Season LVP: Also gotta go with Keith. Trust me – by the time you get to the inevitable “Keith’s an alcoholic” episode, you’ll be chugging right along with him. This season was so epically awful, its an embarrassment to call it “Good Times”.
Bottom Line: show was cancelled midway through season six, and CBS burned off the remaining episodes in the summer. Smart call. This season was horrific. Somewhere in the great beyond, the great Esther Rolle is rolling over on a cloud, regretting for all of eternity her decision to return to attempt to right the sinking ship. Not even a semi-decent series finale can salvage this 12 hour run of horseshit from history’s graveyard of horrific ideas.
But your “winner”? A season of a television classic that, in hindsight … looks worse than it did at the time. Although it did have a few bright moments …
1. “Roseanne” season nine (1996-1997).
Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: I know the obvious answer most people will give is “because the Conners won $108 million dollars in the Illinois state lottery!” And you would be wrong. I actually loved the lottery subplot, and if you go back and watch the first three episodes from season nine, the season started out as good, if not better, than any season of “Roseanne”. What KILLED the season was episodes four through eleven, when John Goodman left the show. By the time they backed the Brinks truck up and bribed Dan Conner back onto the set, nearly a third of the audience was gone, and after not one, but two so ridiculously unbelievable, unfunny, and utterly retarded episodes had aired, that nobody took the show credibly anymore.
Season’s Worst Episode: (tie). Episode eight (“Roseambo”) and episode nine (“Home is Where the Afghan Is”). My God, how do you pick between these two piles of garbage? “Roseambo” is exactly what it sounds like – Roseanne, on a train, “rescuing” her family and passengers as Steven Seagal himself guest-stars. Yes, this episode actually occurred. Someone actually not only green-lighted this ridiculous plot, they got paid for it.
But as bad as “Roseambo” was … “Afghan” might have been worse. By this point, Roseanne was just chucking stuff against the wall to see what stuck, and in the ultimate “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” plot twist of a century … she has her mother, written as a conservative Republican who hates gay people for EIGHT FREAKING YEARS before this, out herself as a lesbian at Thanksgiving dinner. She pretty much single-handedly ensured her cancellation with this episode.
Season’s Best Episode: Episode three (“What a Day for a Daydream”). The 200th episode of the series, the third of the season, and it’s amongst the 5 or 6 best episodes the show ever produced. The plot is basically the Conner clan sitting around the table having dinner, with Roseanne tripping out every so often into fantasy land … and it delivers. The Conners on “Jerry Springer”? As funny as you’d expect it to be. Roseanne winning the Miss Universe pageant? As repulsive in a swimsuit as you’d expect her to look (and yet, it works, you’ll be laughing at the visual). And the best moment – Roseanne and Jackie posing for Playboy wearing nothing but a tub-full of cash? You’re damned right the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner not only signed off on this, he guest-starred in this episode. (For those of you who have ever wondered, my Hugh Hefner quote I love to use in various posts, “this is going to be something … (dramatic pause) … REALLY special!”, comes from this episode. It’s a great 30 minutes, right down to the “you won’t nominate us for an Emmy? Fine, we’ll nominate ourselves!” eff you closing scene that’s so piss poorly acted (intentionally), that you’ll be crying from laughing so hard at DJ “portraying” Moses. (It sounds insane, but again, it works.) One of the few bright spots of a horrific season.
Most Underrated Episode: episode eleven (“Home for the Holidays”). For three reasons. (1) Dan returns, and for the first 20 something minutes (right up until the scene on the closing credits), it seems like the show is back on track. (2) The gift exchange scene, when Roseanne gives Dan his main gift for Christmas 1996, will make any fan of this show, who stuck with it for the prior eight years, stand, applaud, cry, and cheer right along with the Conner clan. It’s a really, really neat moment. Really neat. And (3) that closing credits scene? Whatever last link to the previous eight years of goodwill, humor, and meaning this show had in its ninth season? Was tossed under the bus. Because of ALL the insane, ridiculous, “there is no f*cking way this would EVER happen” plotlines of season nine, the one this closing scene launched was the most insane, ridiculous, “there is no f*cking way this would EVER happen” of all of them.
Season MVP: (tie) Leon and Scott (played by Martin Mull and the greatness that is Fred Willard). This show criminitely under-used these two once they married them in season eight. But these two are just comedic gold in any scene they’re in together.
Season LVP: Prince Philip (played by Jim Varney). Yes, THE Jim Varney, playing a prince who sees Jackie in a tabloid, and spends the first half of the season trying to win her over. Let that sink in – Jim Varney, “Ernest P. Worle”, playing royalty. Truly, it is beyond amazing that ABC’s Tuesday night lineup that fall did as well as it did with this show as a lead-in – “Spin City” established itself as a breakout hit, “Home Improvement” was a top three show, and “NYPD Blue” was in the top ten. With this crap as its leadoff hitter.
Bottom line: if you ever want to see how NOT to write a sitcom, this season is it. The first three episodes are not only completely re-watchable, they show the potential the lottery subplot held. And then … the floor falls out. Its almost like nobody considered what to do AFTER the Conners won the lottery. “OK, they win … now what?” If you had jaunting off to Cape Cod, extended spa stays, Rambo ripoffs, gay mothers, cheating husbands, premature babies, a fifteen year old knocking boots with a co-ed attracted to him only for his family’s money, AND resurrecting the corpse of Wellman Plastics as a storyline as the answer, well, then you’re dumber than the writers and producers who actually used all those plotlines as season nine unfolded.
The season opened strong, and it actually finished with two rock-solid episodes. It’s the 18 in between that earned its designation as the worst season of television I’ve ever watched. And man, did those episodes “earn” that designation …
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