big brother likeability poll 2.0

I gotta admit, as far as season premieres go, Big Brother 13's rocked the house.

Now that we're underway, have met all the contestants, both new and recycled, and already have an eviction, here's Big Brother Likeability Poll Version 2.0!

14. Evel Dick (last week: NR). In the interest of full disclosure, I hate this man with a passion. He left the game not even six hours in. Which means he remains an annoying as crud loser, and all of America wins. Done and done.

13. Rachel (last week: NR). I need her fake boobs, fake hair, and real acne in my life like I need a bullet in the side of my head. Sadly, she's our first HoH, so she's likely sticking around for awhile. Then again, if the HoH competition is riding a banana, is anyone really surprised she won? This thing would screw a corpse if she thought it would "further her career". (Come on, Brendon's basically a corpse. The dude has about as much charisma, charm, and natural sex appeal as a corpse.) If she is in this for the long haul, here's hoping BB brings back Ragan to verbally b*tch slap her a few times again. Girl is so stupid she doesn't know when people are making fun of her, for crying out loud.

12. Shelly (last week: 4th of 8). Its obvious she's bringing nothing to the table this year. She's this season's Kathy -- a likeable gal who won't cheat on her husband, won't be giving us any late night shenanigans or drunken follies, and will finish 6th or 7th once her usefulness as the house's corporate tool has expired. It's a damned shame BB keeps giving us these wasted contestants every summer, instead of adding someone to the house who (a) would absolutely hook up with every hot girl, (b) is a funny, wise-cracking smart ass, (c) is so freaking hot your television screen melts when said contestant appears on it, and (d) is the king of sitting in the sun with a shirt off, getting his drink on. You're damned right all four things just listed describe me! It's why I'd be the perfect BB contestant. Although unlike Brendon, I don't see the need to sext my dong to every girl I hit on. That, and there's no way I'd screw Rachel. I prefer it not burn when I have to pee. Maybe that's why I'm still just a Hamster Watcher, instead of in the freaking wheel.

11. Porsche (last week: 7th of 8). The BB house is not big enough for two floozie VIP cocktail waitresses. Of the two, I might actually prefer Rachel. At least we know what she is. Porsche lying on night one saying she's a college student is just too damned funny. To haul out the old, tired, yet never-gets-old-to-me "Married With Children" joke that Bud dropped on Kelly back in the day: "you couldn't spell cat if I spotted you the a and the t". Porsche couldn't lie successfully even if you plied every other houseguest with enough weed and liquor to knock them into the middle of next month. I hope she goes on Thursday. She's annoying as hell already.

(Plus, again, your name is Porsche? Really? We're supposed to believe that a smoking hot chick named Porsche is your every day, run of the mill college student, struggling to afford Ramen Noodles and Keystone Light? Really? Anyone who falls for that, deserves the STD she'll give you when you're done having fun with her.)

10. Adam (last week: 8th of 8). I'll give him this: he's funny as hell. He doesn't have the one-line smart ass comebacks down pat like Dominic does, but he's funny as hell. I hope this guy sticks around awhile. He could wind up growing on me like Brendon last year (who, thank God, is still the King of Unintentional Comedy in the house, his one thing he does really well. Well that, and sext his "banana" to every chick stored in his cell phone, he's extremely good at that too.)

9. Daniele (last week: NR). Can she go home early too? Please? Pretty please?

8. Lawon (last week: 5th of 8). Buddy? Pal? Amigo? Comrade? Ascots went out of style in the 1970s, and other than when worn by Freddy on "Scooby Doo" and possibly the late, great Charles Nelson Reilly on "Match Game (insert year here)", they weren't in style to begin with. (My way of saying, you're damned right there's baby pics of me in a f*cking ascot! When it came to 1970s style, nobody killed it like my parents. With the wrench, in the lounge. You should see the pics of me at my first Christmas. Complete with the red velvet-cake looking shag carpeting and a checkerboard-pattern couch. Oh, and for some reason, I'm wearing an Eeyore outfit, complete with the floppy ears over my head. And to think people actually wonder why I'm as f*cked up as I am. Thanks 'rents! You guys were the best!)

7. Jordan (last week: NR). To her everlasting credit, she's still dumber than the mentally challenged horse on "Family Guy". Also to her everlasting credit, she's still hot as hell, she's still wildly entertaining, and she knows her place, admitting right out front that "when it comes to challenges, Jeff is gonna have to win them". She's not your season 11 champ for nothing folks. (If the houseguests are smart, and yes, I concede that any house made up of the likes of Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, Jordan, and Porsche is by its very definition "not smart", but if the houseguests are smart, she's the next to go. Chicks like this always last far longer than they should. (dramatic pause.) I mean, in the game, not the bedroom. (rimshot!) God this is tanking fast. But seriously, the longer Jordan sticks around, the tougher it will be to get rid of her, because (a) the producers always have some kind of twist come mid-season that rewards America's favorite player, (b) the producers always have some kind of twist come mid-season that screws America's most hated players, and (c) dumb ditzy chicks tend to win the jury's vote over the over-confident strategorist or annoying-as-f*ck loser said over-confident strategorist drug to the Final Three. Houseguests, it's in your best interests to get rid of America's Sweetheart sooner rather than later.)

6. Kalia (last week: 6th of 8). Can I identify the "token angry black chick who thinks the world is owed to her" or what? In the words of me and G's old doormat, "GO AWAY!"

5. Brendon (last week: NR). I actually like this guy. He just needs serious intervention. And as someone who has both been a witness to an intervention*, and the recipient of an intervention**, please, allow me to try.

Dude. Buddy. Pal. You're marrying Rachel. Yeah, that red-headed stepchild sitting next to you. The one every person hates, the one with the annoying laugh, the multiple fake body parts, the mental intelligence of Gus. That's who you're marrying. I'll wait a second to let you process what I just said. And yes, I just compared your brain power to a man who has a toilet in his back yard that his dogs drink out of. You're dumber than him if you go through with this.

Again: his dogs drink out of a f*cking toilet in his back yard ... and you're dumber than him if you go through with this. You can thank me later.

OK, now that the intervention is done, a few things I do like about Brendon. (a) He's a swim coach for a female collegiate swim team. Call me crazy, call me drunk, call me high, because all three can usually apply come 3pm on a Sunday afternoon ... but that's one helluva job to have. "Hang on, let me adjust that strap real quick ..." Dude can't be as stupid as he seems to be if he's coaching a team of attractive co-eds in the prime of their existance. (b) He's funny as hell. Just not in an intentional way. His attempt to teach how to play chess on the first night was hysterical. Also, nothing is topping the "Brendon floating on the pool, screaming RACHEL!!! with an echo chamber" moment from last summer. It might be the funniest moment in Big Brother history, other than Memphis introducing himself as a "mixologist". And finally, (c) the dude actually thought sexting his weiner to random chicks was an effective way to hook up with said chicks. If you're packing 9 inches, maybe. (I'd need to consult the resident Steve's Site Numero Dos gayologist over that. (consulting ...) Donnie says 9 inches is a turn-on, so we'll go with that. However, if your stimulating photo reveals you need to start on a 120 day cycle of Extenze, probably not a turn on. Brendon? Start the cycle. Oh, and remember the intervention. Dump Rachel, stat. I promise, after a few days on Valtrex, it won't burn anymore.)

(*: The Doc's intervention with the intended recipient went so well ... that he was as high as said recipient by the time it was over. Now THAT'S an intervention!!!)

(**: my intervention went much better. Didn't hit the casino for almost 3 weeks afterwards, and managed to have a hysterical drunk dial to 1-888-BETS-OFF as a result to boot. Jesus I need professional help.)

4. Keith (last week: 3rd of 8). A minister with grab-hands. Shocking. You never see that in the Church. Never. I mean, these Men of God, these Men of the Cloth, they are as pure, chaste, and celibate as the wind-driven snow. Oh, that's not what the leaders of the Church are like? Really? You mean they screw around with their secretaries, their fellow preachers, alter boys, and the Holy Water if it's in an attractive tea jug with flower patterns on it***? I see.

In all seriousness, kudos to Big Brother for casting a horny-as-hell youth minister. Nothing says "do as I say, not as I do" to the youth of today like putting a horndog pastor on their TV sets three times a week. Also, major props to Keith for his master plan. Nobody loves the TV version of "Charlie's Angels" more than me. Nobody's more fired up for the remake than me. The lesson? As always, if it's a sh*tty 1970s television series, you can bet your sweet ass I'm addicted to it.

(***: the most religious guy I know is my buddy Tim, and when he saw what the Holy Water at "The Voice of Reason"'s wedding was contained in, it was his idea to "take a drink". Yes, they stored the Holy Water in a freaking tea jug with 1970s floral prints on it, and even had written "Holy Water" in masking tape above the top of the container. And to think people wonder why I refuse to take any organized religion credibly. (steve shouting voice) IT'S A F*CKING TEA JUG WITH FLORAL PRINT! IT'S NOT HOLY!!!)

3. Jeff (last week: NR). Aah, everyone's favorite meathead. If I added up all the pennies in the change compartment of my car (and I just looked, there's 7 of them), it is guaranteed to be a higher total than Jeff's IQ. No, seriously, even if there's zero pennies in there, that 0 is at least equal to Jeff's IQ. Still, the guy can bring the one-liners, and he must be doing something right to be with Jordan.

(Meant to go off on this awhile ago, and for the life of me, can't remember what provoked this back then, but anyways: you gotta love girls that are perfectly content to just live with a guy. No ring, no commitment, but all the benefits. Jeff and Jordan are at three years now, and still no wedding ring, not even an engagement ring, in sight. Now THAT'S my kind of girl! Why f*ck with what's working so well? Hope these two stay happy together, ring or no ring.)

2. Dominic (last week: 2nd of 8). He is remaining in this spot solely and completely because the dude is a total smart ass. His one liners are his best feature. That ... and I'm not buying one word he's selling of his story. According to him, he's 25, single, a male model, lives with his mom, is in college, and is a virgin.

The first five, I can buy. He looks 25, most BB contestants are single, he is very good looking, so I can buy the model part, his mom wouldn't allow herself to look like a tool unless her kid really lived with her, and you don't lie about going to San Mateo Community College. The last one though, no way. Not a shot in hell. However, if he still has the V card, this could be a really entertaining summer, because when you've got gold-digging sluts like Rachel and Porsche on this show, well, they can find a way to take care of him.

(On second thought, what a way to secure a showmance and/or constant hook-up partner: play the V card! It's brilliant. Hot girl feels sorry for "lame guy" with "no game", and "teaches him the ropes". It's absolutely brilliant. Can't believe I haven't thought of that angle before, I've gotta remember that one for when I'm on Big Brother 16 in a few years. Genius. Absolutely genius.)

Oh, and kudos for naming his alliance “Regulators”. I am loving the Diary Room cessions as they begin or end each cession with the “Regulators!” chant that Nate Dogg dropped to open “Regulate”. And yes, I have yelled back “Mount Up!” every time they’ve said it.

1. Cassi (last week: 1st of 8). All that's missing is the convenient cleavage shot that you know BB is going to give us at some point. What's not to love about this girl? Her idea of a good time is sitting around with the guys knocking back a six pack. And she's drop dead gorgeous. Hot chick who enjoys pounding a case with the guys. There's only one way to sum that up:

(jesus) hey, while you're in there, can you pick me up a Cracked Magazine?
(peter griffin) Cracked? Jesus Christ! Unbelievable!