“Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the day to find that all was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.” -- Sir Lawrence Olivier.
Let’s play a little game, shall we?
I’m going to provide statistics for you. QB statistics. These are from actual games* played by the Chiefs. And I want to see if you can identify what game(s) I’m talking about.
(*: source: nfl.com/schedules)
Game 1: 6/8, 25 yds, 0 TD, 0 INT, L 10-20
Game 2: 14/19, 125 yds, 1 TD, 0 INT, L 15-20
Game 3: 14/23, 85 yds, 1 TD, 1 INT, L 17-20.
Game 4: 4/9, 58 yds, 1 TD, 1 INT, W 17-13.
Overall: 38/59, 293 yds, 3 TD, 2 INT, 1-3 record.
Now, I think any reasonable person can look at the stats this QB put up, and reasonably conclude “well hell, they were lucky to win game 4!” That’s certainly what I would think. Three outright pitiful performance and one “average” effort.
This stretch of four games? The QB behind these god-awful crappy statistics?
Matt Cassel, 2010 preseason.
Anyone reading this that is still panicked, upset, scared, frightened, or ready to abandon a season that hasn’t seen one second of football that counts played yet, re-look at those stats. That was Matt Cassel in preseason LAST YEAR!
Cassel’s regular season statistics? 262/450 (58%), 3116 yds, 27 TD, 7 INT, 10-6 record, AFC West Champions.
Do I need to keep going? Or do you now get it, that the preseason doesn’t matter one damned bit! The ONLY thing the preseason is good for is (a) seeing how young players react in game situations, and (b) uum … hang on … oh, on really perfect weather days? Like, say, 90 and sunny on a Saturday afternoon for a 7:30 kickoff? You can get one helluva tan during tailgating.
That’s it. Preseason football is so god awful, so utterly unimportant, that I haven’t attended a preseason game in three years. I’ve been to one in the last four years, and the ONLY reason I showed up for the Houston scrimmage in 2009 was because it was Grigsby Reunion Day for tailgating.
Now, to be fair, I had legitimate reasons for missing all these games:
2008: skipped Cardinals game due to monsoon like conditions.
2008: skipped Rams game for President Obama’s acceptance speech at DNC.
2009: went for Texans game, sat through monsoon for a half.
2009: skipped Seahawks game for float trip.
2010: skipped Eagles game for float trip*.
2010: skipped Packers game because it was raining.
2011: skipped Bucs game for float trip.
2011: skipped Rams game for concert.
(*: I also had a backup plan – my sister in law was due to give birth that weekend. Thankfully she held off until Sunday. But either way, I wasn’t showing up.)
And why do I point this out? Because it’s me! I’m that guy who basically raised two middle fingers to his mom last December when putting the Titans game ahead of the family Christmas dinner. I came home from college (a solid 8 hour drive) a lot to see the Chiefs play. I schedule my PTO around the Chiefs schedule. Hell, read any typical Chiefs post on this blog – other than Gregg, I’m the biggest Chiefaholic you will ever meet!
So read the list. I am intentionally SCHEDULING events and activities to attend, to avoid going to preseason games I have already paid $84 for! That is how utterly meaningless preseason football is!
And yet, panic is beginning to set in because (gasp!) the Chiefs “aren’t taking the preseason seriously”. Well hells bells, if the biggest Chiefaholic with a blog thinks the whole thing is so meaningless that he eats $170 / year (and I’m not exactly “independently wealthy”), why should the professionals take it seriously? Todd Haley has the absolute right attitude when it comes to preseason – see what the kids can do, and for the love of God, don’t get any key contributors hurt.
So here’s the plea. DO NOT PANIC! The Chiefs are exactly who I believe they are. A damned talented football team, the defending divisional champions, and ready to take the next step and enter the Pantheon of Great Dynasties. Frankly, I hope Coach Haley leaves every player that’s guaranteed to make the roster at home Thursday night. Don’t even let them out of their hotel rooms – no sense risking someone tripping over a chain or a headset cord on the sidelines and blowing out a knee.
Come Sunday, September 11th, the Chiefs will put all your fears, worries, and concerns to rest. They will obliterate the Buffalo Bills at Arrowhead that afternoon. It will be a “perfect Steve day” – in the low 90s, not a cloud in the sky, and I’ll be doing what I do best by 8:30am – sit in the sun, t-shirt nowhere to be found, getting my drink on. And come 4pm, you’ll be laughing that you ever doubted this team, this coaching staff, this quarterback, after the first comfortable, laughable opening day win since 2005.
Part of being a fan, I get it, is being concerned over the unknown. Is overreacting to what you see. And I’ll be the first to agree with you – Matt Cassel has looked awful, absolutely awful, out there so far this preseason.
And yet, all I can say in response, in the words of “The Voice of Reason*”, (shouting it) ITS PRESEASON! Exactly. The Chiefs will be fine. The Super Bowl Express is gassed up, the coolers are loaded with vodka, shiraz, and Bud(weiser) and bud(not weiser), so hop on board. This is OUR season we have waited a lifetime for. Don’t let some dumb f*ck talk show host derail your hopes because of a meaningless scrimmage. Look at the roster. Look at the talent. Pop in the DVDs of last year’s games, or pull up the awesome site kcchiefsgames.com and rewatch last season’s games. Your eyes don’t lie.
Believe in this team. Do NOT let a couple meaningless scrimmages alter your opinion of what is in front of you! Dare to dream!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
the other "anthem" of my life
sk: not from last night, but the prior week, David Nail's version. As good as life gets.
a moment in life to just savor
sk: Eric Church at Sandstone last night, performing one of the two "anthems" of my life. (David Nail, who went on before him, performed the other "anthem" of my life! Although it was so out of left-field unexpected, I didn't even record it, I just stood and started singing along. And awesomely ... every damned person there knew the lyrics to "I Don't Want to Be" by Gavin DeGraw. If nothing else, that four minutes alone was worth the price of admission! Too bad I didn't see it coming, would love to relive that performance any chance I want to via the camera ...)
Oh, and yes, the epically awful, off-key male voice during most of this recording is me ... but I don't care. Some moments are meant to be shared.
That, and there's nothing wrong with being proud, to "come from a long line, of sinners like me". Love ya mom and dad.
Full recap of the weekend coming tomorrow. Basic summary: fun Friday, epic Saturday, hilarious Sunday. I love my life sometimes.
Oh, and yes, the epically awful, off-key male voice during most of this recording is me ... but I don't care. Some moments are meant to be shared.
That, and there's nothing wrong with being proud, to "come from a long line, of sinners like me". Love ya mom and dad.
Full recap of the weekend coming tomorrow. Basic summary: fun Friday, epic Saturday, hilarious Sunday. I love my life sometimes.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
cd review: eric church's "chief"
Tonight I will be at the Y’allapalooza concert at Sandstone (so if you’re reading this and will be there, look me up.)
Until then, another long overdue cd review, for tonight’s main act: Eric Church.
Artist: Eric Church
CD: “Chief”
11 songs, 41 minutes (approximately)
1. “Creepin”. Not the song I would have led the cd off with. It starts extremely slow and sounds kind of, well, creepy. Once you get through the opening 30, 45 seconds though, it starts to grow on you, and the chorus explodes with energy, to its credit. Still, this song won’t be on any regular playlist I put together.
Best line(s): “Since the day you left me baby, I can feel the lonely,
I can hear the crazy, just a creepin’ creepin’.”
Grade: C+. We’re not off to a great start here.
2. “Drink in my Hand”. I LOVE, and I mean LO-YUVE, this song. It sounds so much like Neal McCoy’s “Wink”, and damn if it don’t deliver. From the moment this song gets underway, it drags you in, and by the time you hit the chorus, you’re raising a beer and singing right along. Outstanding track. Outstanding.
Best line(s): “You make me wanna go ooh ooh ooh
When you dance like that,
You’ve got that little tattoo
Playing peeky boo on your back.
If you want to impress me,
Honey here’s my plan –
All you have to do is
Put a drink in my hand.
Fill it up, or throw it down,
When you drive me home, take the long way around.
You be my Lois Lane, honey I’ll be your Superman --
All you have to do is put a drink in my hand.”
Grade: A+. This might be my favorite song he’s ever done, and I am fully aware “Sinners Like Me” is my ringtone.
3. “Keep On”. Speaking of sounding like a legendary country song, this song definitely sounds like the music to “Fancy”. Which is cool – if you’re going to channel a song for inspiration, you can do a helluva lot worse than Reba McIntyre. I liked this track. A nice, quick little tune (the shortest track on the cd), and it moves along quite nicely.
Best line(s): the final verse:
“Yeah I love the way the sun’s coming through today
And bouncin’ off the small of your back.
Yeah I know if I call in sick today,
The boss’ll have a heart attack.
Yeah I knew it was over when she rolled over,
And said baby why don’t you stay.
And keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on,
Lookin’ at me that way”
Grade: A-. This is the track that I have a feeling is going to grow on me, much like “Two Pink Lines” off his previous cd did.
4. “Like Jesus Does”. Oh goodie. Well, let’s do this. It opens very slow and painfully, so at least it opens like a Mass. I gotta admit, at the halfway point, I don’t hate this song nearly as much as I thought I would based on the title and the opening. It’s a decent slow song. And thankfully, has little to nothing to do with a certain failed ideology.
Best line(s): “Always thought she’d give up on me one day,
Wash her hands of me, leave me staring down some runway,
But I thank God each night, and twice on Sunday,
That she loves me like Jesus does.”
Grade: B. Far better than I expected it to be.
5. “Hungover and Hard Up”. Hey, the anthem of my life! Just kidding*. Unlike the prior track, this one started out with promise, and its tanking fast. I don’t particularly care for the sound. I don’t particularly care for the pace. And the lyrics really don’t draw you in.
(*: seriously, I do not get hangovers. I could be pounding it until 2 in the morning, and be wide awake and ready to go by 7. It scares me too sometimes.)
Best line(s): “Yeah the bottle in my hand is loaded,
And I’m afraid to use it tonight”.
Grade: C. A perfectly mediocre effort that I will probably never listen to again.
6. “Homeboy”. This was the first release off this cd, and man, is this song good. I know I tend to favor more up-tempo, high-energy songs, but this song is a perfect slow paced, strung out effort. It also helps that I love the lyrics to this one too.
Here’s what Mr. Church had to say about this track, and damned if it isn’t pretty much exactly what I think about it: “This song is about a man urged to consider the phrase “home, boy”. What was really interesting about that was it was about a journey that started in one place, and ends in a totally different place. What tied the whole song together was the chorus. I love writing a song where you’re in the middle of it and say “what now?”
Best line(s): “You can’t hold back the hands of time,
Mama’s going grey and so is daddy’s mind.
I wish you’d come on back and make it alright,
Before they’re called home … boy.”
Grade: A+.
7. “Country Music Jesus”. Oh goodie, another one. Hopefully this one surprised me in a positive way like track four did. And you know what? It did. Anytime you can use religious imagery to make a completely non-religious point, I’m cool with that. I really liked this track once it got going. Really fun track.
Best line(s): “We need a second coming worse than bad.
Some long haired hippie priest,
Preaching from the book of Johnny Cash.
A sheep among the wolves there standing tall –
We need a country music Jesus
To come and save us all”.
Grade: A-. A really fun track once it gets going.
8. “Jack Daniels”. Ooh, now this, on the basis of the title, has potential! (Although it won’t be my favorite track based on title track potential. Hang in there, we’re almost there, and I can tell you, said hopeful favorite track did wind up being my favorite.)
At a little over 5 minutes, this is by far and away the longest track on the cd. And you know what? When a song is this fun to listen to, I’m perfectly good with that. The lyrics are sweet. The music goes at just the right pace. This is a fun little track to sit around with a bottle of Jack and the title track to song 10 and have a fun night on the deck.
Best line(s): “Yeah, every Superman has got his kryptonite,
And Jack Daniels kicked my ass again last night.”
Grade: A+.
9. “Springsteen”. Well, let’s see where this goes. For the record, I like Springsteen, but I am not some die-hard, listening to his channel on XM 24/7 type of fan. Oh, and for the record, “Tunnel of Love” is one of the most criminitely underrated cd’s of the last 30 years. Anyways, back to this effort by Eric Church.
I love the opening sound, it totally sounds like the opening to a Springsteen track. And while I think the first verse was better than the second, this song is really good from start to finish. Really good. This actually might be the song that I wind up replaying twenty times before I even realize it, it’s that easy to listen to.
Best line(s): “I was singing to you, you were singing to me.
I was so alive, never been more free.
Fired up my daddy’s lighter, we sang oh whoa whoa,
Stayed out there ‘til they forced us out.
Took the long way to your house,
I can still hear the sound of you sayin’ don’t go.
When I think about you, I think about seventeen.
I think about my old Jeep, I think about the stars in the sky.
Funny how the melody sounds like a memory,
Like a soundtrack to a July Saturday night.
Springsteen.”
Grade: A+. He’s knocking this thing out of the park at this point.
10. “I’m Getting Stoned”. Oh sweet Jesus. Here’s the thing – one reason why I love music from the late 60s / early 70s so much, is because the artists had to be more creative back then to get their point across. Case in point – “Mr. Tamborine Man”. Everyone knows it’s about a junkie needing a fix from his dealer, but you couldn’t just say that back then, so you had to get cute and creative with the wording. This song hearkens back to those days. I absolutely loved this song. It’s incredibly good. Incredibly good.
Best line(s): “Here’s to happy ever after,
And here’s to balls and chains.
And here’s to all us haters,
Of old lovers’ new last names.
And here’s to holding up
And getting right where I belong –
Cause she got a rock,
And I’m getting stoned.”
Grade: A+. I swear, I’m not grading on a liberal curve here, these tracks really are this good.
11. “Over When Its Over”. A fitting title, since it’s the last track on the cd. And this song comes out of nowhere to win you over. It starts extremely slow paced, and then he starts to sing, and it totally draws you in. This is the sleeper track on this cd – he could have a massive hit if he releases this. If not, it’ll wind up like “Love Hurts” off “Light Grenades” by Incubus, the great “could have been”.
Best line(s): “Now it’s over when it’s over,
Ain’t it baby, ain’t it.
Rips you like a dagger,
Can it baby, can it.
Wish we could do it over,
Dammit baby, dammit.
We had it in the air,
But we just couldn’t land it.
It’s the white flag, it’s a stop sign.
It’s the last long drag on a Marlboro Light.
It’s a long night, beating up the past,
Now when the first lie is gonna hit you back,
This ain’t no gone for drill,
Or no goodbye for tomorrow. It’s over.”
Grade: A+.
Final thought(s): as much as I loved Matt Nathanson’s new cd, and I really dug Ben Harper’s (still to be reviewed) … this one has emerged as the frontrunner for my favorite download of the year. The last six songs all earned their A’s, and 8 of the 11 tracks I gave an A to. No effort earned worse than a C. The worst song on this cd is better than the best on many cd’s I own.
Final verdict: download and enjoy as soon as f*cking possible, the highest designation I can give a musical effort. Preferably on the back deck on a nice summer evening, with an adult beverage, a couple friends, and some green. You won’t regret the 40 minutes spent that way with this cd.
Until then, another long overdue cd review, for tonight’s main act: Eric Church.
Artist: Eric Church
CD: “Chief”
11 songs, 41 minutes (approximately)
1. “Creepin”. Not the song I would have led the cd off with. It starts extremely slow and sounds kind of, well, creepy. Once you get through the opening 30, 45 seconds though, it starts to grow on you, and the chorus explodes with energy, to its credit. Still, this song won’t be on any regular playlist I put together.
Best line(s): “Since the day you left me baby, I can feel the lonely,
I can hear the crazy, just a creepin’ creepin’.”
Grade: C+. We’re not off to a great start here.
2. “Drink in my Hand”. I LOVE, and I mean LO-YUVE, this song. It sounds so much like Neal McCoy’s “Wink”, and damn if it don’t deliver. From the moment this song gets underway, it drags you in, and by the time you hit the chorus, you’re raising a beer and singing right along. Outstanding track. Outstanding.
Best line(s): “You make me wanna go ooh ooh ooh
When you dance like that,
You’ve got that little tattoo
Playing peeky boo on your back.
If you want to impress me,
Honey here’s my plan –
All you have to do is
Put a drink in my hand.
Fill it up, or throw it down,
When you drive me home, take the long way around.
You be my Lois Lane, honey I’ll be your Superman --
All you have to do is put a drink in my hand.”
Grade: A+. This might be my favorite song he’s ever done, and I am fully aware “Sinners Like Me” is my ringtone.
3. “Keep On”. Speaking of sounding like a legendary country song, this song definitely sounds like the music to “Fancy”. Which is cool – if you’re going to channel a song for inspiration, you can do a helluva lot worse than Reba McIntyre. I liked this track. A nice, quick little tune (the shortest track on the cd), and it moves along quite nicely.
Best line(s): the final verse:
“Yeah I love the way the sun’s coming through today
And bouncin’ off the small of your back.
Yeah I know if I call in sick today,
The boss’ll have a heart attack.
Yeah I knew it was over when she rolled over,
And said baby why don’t you stay.
And keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on,
Lookin’ at me that way”
Grade: A-. This is the track that I have a feeling is going to grow on me, much like “Two Pink Lines” off his previous cd did.
4. “Like Jesus Does”. Oh goodie. Well, let’s do this. It opens very slow and painfully, so at least it opens like a Mass. I gotta admit, at the halfway point, I don’t hate this song nearly as much as I thought I would based on the title and the opening. It’s a decent slow song. And thankfully, has little to nothing to do with a certain failed ideology.
Best line(s): “Always thought she’d give up on me one day,
Wash her hands of me, leave me staring down some runway,
But I thank God each night, and twice on Sunday,
That she loves me like Jesus does.”
Grade: B. Far better than I expected it to be.
5. “Hungover and Hard Up”. Hey, the anthem of my life! Just kidding*. Unlike the prior track, this one started out with promise, and its tanking fast. I don’t particularly care for the sound. I don’t particularly care for the pace. And the lyrics really don’t draw you in.
(*: seriously, I do not get hangovers. I could be pounding it until 2 in the morning, and be wide awake and ready to go by 7. It scares me too sometimes.)
Best line(s): “Yeah the bottle in my hand is loaded,
And I’m afraid to use it tonight”.
Grade: C. A perfectly mediocre effort that I will probably never listen to again.
6. “Homeboy”. This was the first release off this cd, and man, is this song good. I know I tend to favor more up-tempo, high-energy songs, but this song is a perfect slow paced, strung out effort. It also helps that I love the lyrics to this one too.
Here’s what Mr. Church had to say about this track, and damned if it isn’t pretty much exactly what I think about it: “This song is about a man urged to consider the phrase “home, boy”. What was really interesting about that was it was about a journey that started in one place, and ends in a totally different place. What tied the whole song together was the chorus. I love writing a song where you’re in the middle of it and say “what now?”
Best line(s): “You can’t hold back the hands of time,
Mama’s going grey and so is daddy’s mind.
I wish you’d come on back and make it alright,
Before they’re called home … boy.”
Grade: A+.
7. “Country Music Jesus”. Oh goodie, another one. Hopefully this one surprised me in a positive way like track four did. And you know what? It did. Anytime you can use religious imagery to make a completely non-religious point, I’m cool with that. I really liked this track once it got going. Really fun track.
Best line(s): “We need a second coming worse than bad.
Some long haired hippie priest,
Preaching from the book of Johnny Cash.
A sheep among the wolves there standing tall –
We need a country music Jesus
To come and save us all”.
Grade: A-. A really fun track once it gets going.
8. “Jack Daniels”. Ooh, now this, on the basis of the title, has potential! (Although it won’t be my favorite track based on title track potential. Hang in there, we’re almost there, and I can tell you, said hopeful favorite track did wind up being my favorite.)
At a little over 5 minutes, this is by far and away the longest track on the cd. And you know what? When a song is this fun to listen to, I’m perfectly good with that. The lyrics are sweet. The music goes at just the right pace. This is a fun little track to sit around with a bottle of Jack and the title track to song 10 and have a fun night on the deck.
Best line(s): “Yeah, every Superman has got his kryptonite,
And Jack Daniels kicked my ass again last night.”
Grade: A+.
9. “Springsteen”. Well, let’s see where this goes. For the record, I like Springsteen, but I am not some die-hard, listening to his channel on XM 24/7 type of fan. Oh, and for the record, “Tunnel of Love” is one of the most criminitely underrated cd’s of the last 30 years. Anyways, back to this effort by Eric Church.
I love the opening sound, it totally sounds like the opening to a Springsteen track. And while I think the first verse was better than the second, this song is really good from start to finish. Really good. This actually might be the song that I wind up replaying twenty times before I even realize it, it’s that easy to listen to.
Best line(s): “I was singing to you, you were singing to me.
I was so alive, never been more free.
Fired up my daddy’s lighter, we sang oh whoa whoa,
Stayed out there ‘til they forced us out.
Took the long way to your house,
I can still hear the sound of you sayin’ don’t go.
When I think about you, I think about seventeen.
I think about my old Jeep, I think about the stars in the sky.
Funny how the melody sounds like a memory,
Like a soundtrack to a July Saturday night.
Springsteen.”
Grade: A+. He’s knocking this thing out of the park at this point.
10. “I’m Getting Stoned”. Oh sweet Jesus. Here’s the thing – one reason why I love music from the late 60s / early 70s so much, is because the artists had to be more creative back then to get their point across. Case in point – “Mr. Tamborine Man”. Everyone knows it’s about a junkie needing a fix from his dealer, but you couldn’t just say that back then, so you had to get cute and creative with the wording. This song hearkens back to those days. I absolutely loved this song. It’s incredibly good. Incredibly good.
Best line(s): “Here’s to happy ever after,
And here’s to balls and chains.
And here’s to all us haters,
Of old lovers’ new last names.
And here’s to holding up
And getting right where I belong –
Cause she got a rock,
And I’m getting stoned.”
Grade: A+. I swear, I’m not grading on a liberal curve here, these tracks really are this good.
11. “Over When Its Over”. A fitting title, since it’s the last track on the cd. And this song comes out of nowhere to win you over. It starts extremely slow paced, and then he starts to sing, and it totally draws you in. This is the sleeper track on this cd – he could have a massive hit if he releases this. If not, it’ll wind up like “Love Hurts” off “Light Grenades” by Incubus, the great “could have been”.
Best line(s): “Now it’s over when it’s over,
Ain’t it baby, ain’t it.
Rips you like a dagger,
Can it baby, can it.
Wish we could do it over,
Dammit baby, dammit.
We had it in the air,
But we just couldn’t land it.
It’s the white flag, it’s a stop sign.
It’s the last long drag on a Marlboro Light.
It’s a long night, beating up the past,
Now when the first lie is gonna hit you back,
This ain’t no gone for drill,
Or no goodbye for tomorrow. It’s over.”
Grade: A+.
Final thought(s): as much as I loved Matt Nathanson’s new cd, and I really dug Ben Harper’s (still to be reviewed) … this one has emerged as the frontrunner for my favorite download of the year. The last six songs all earned their A’s, and 8 of the 11 tracks I gave an A to. No effort earned worse than a C. The worst song on this cd is better than the best on many cd’s I own.
Final verdict: download and enjoy as soon as f*cking possible, the highest designation I can give a musical effort. Preferably on the back deck on a nice summer evening, with an adult beverage, a couple friends, and some green. You won’t regret the 40 minutes spent that way with this cd.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
the most anticipated post of the year 2011
"I've been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something I can believe in.
And looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon, I couldn't see it.
Until I let go, and gave into love.
And watched all the bitterness burn.
Now I'm coming alive, body and soul,
Feeling my world start to turn.
And I'll taste every moment, and live it out loud,
I know this is the time, this is the time to be
More than a name, or a face in the crowd,
I know this is the time, this is the time of my life ..."
-- Kansas City native and fellow die-hard Chiefs fan David Cook, "The Time of My Life"
------------
It's time. That's all I can really say about this year's "most anticipated post of the year". It's time to bring Lamar's Trophy home.
(Note up front: when I get to the AFC West preview, I start preaching. When I start preaching, I tend to start swearing, as anyone who’s ever gotten my weekly Chiefs pep talk disguised as NFL gambling picks knows. This post … is no exception. So if my preaching offends, you probably just want to skip the AFC West predictions. But if you do that, you’ll miss one of my finest hours as a writer. It’s not “Week Four Plea” epic, but it’s damned close.)
Let's start as always with the ...
NFC East:
1. Philadelphia Eagles (13-3 overall; 5-1 division; 9-3 conference).
2. Dallas Cowboys (9-7 overall; 3-3 division; 7-5 conference).
3. New York Giants (7-9 overall; 3-3 division; 5-7 conference).
4. Washington Redskins (4-12 overall; 1-5 division; 4-8 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: the Eagles are still the class of the division, and if anything, got considerably stronger in the offseason. Even though I have them opening 0-2 (and I'm not sold on the Rams beating them, to be completely honest), well, there's nobody in this division, barring injury, that will be within two games of them by early December. The Cowboys figure to be on the fringes of a wildcard berth. The Redskins might be the worst team in the conference. And the Giants? I ain't buying what they're selling. If any team is poised to be this year's "how the hell did they wind up at 5-11? I thought they were good!" winner as the League's biggest underachiever, the Giants are the frontrunners for that honor.
Biggest Game: Cowboys at Eagles, week 8. Dallas has to spring the upset to have any shot of staying in the divisional race. They won't.
Biggest Upset: Redskins over Cowboys, week 11. This loss kept Dallas out of the postseason.
Final Thought / Prediction: Tom Coughlin will "resign" as Giants head coach effective at the end of the season.
NFC North:
1. Green Bay Packers (10-6 overall; 3-3 division; 8-4 conference).
2. Minnesota Vikings (10-6 overall; 3-3 division; 8-4 conference).
3. Chicago Bears (9-7 overall; 3-3 division; 6-6 conference).
4. Detroit Lions (8-8 overall; 3-3 division; 6-6 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: I know everyone is on the Lions bandwagon this year ... but my God, look at those first eight games. I don't see any way the Lions emerge without at least five losses in that stretch, and I was generous in having them upset the Falcons at home. Packers and Vikings came down to the sixth tiebreaker -- strength of schedule. The Falcons and Giants project better than the Bucs and Redskins, albeit barely, to give the Packers the division. The Bears fall into the clusterf*ck at 9-7 that just missed a playoff berth.
Biggest Game: Bears at Vikings, week 17. Winner's in, loser's out according to my projections.
Biggest Upset: Lions over Falcons, week 7. I'm not sold on it, but I'm predicting it for now at least.
Final Thought / Prediction: Every team in the NFC Norris enters week 17 of my predictions still mathematically alive to win the division championship and host a playoff game. That is pretty cool. Hopefully it happens.
NFC South:
1. New Orleans Saints (12-4 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
2. Atlanta Falcons (11-5 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
4. Carolina Panthers (2-14 overall; 0-6 division; 0-12 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: Two really good established teams, one team definitely on the rise, and one of the two worst teams in the League. Makes for a very top-heavy division.
Biggest Game: Falcons at Saints, week 16. Winner gets the division and a first round bye; loser hits the road to face whoever wins the NFC West. And while that sounds like a layup win, that's exactly what everyone (including me) thought last year, when the Saints lost in this spot to the Falcons (to give Atlanta the division), and then they got rocked in Seattle by a 7-9 team in the wildcard round.
Biggest Upset: Panthers over Jaguars, week 3. Or their win over the Titans week 10. Needless to say, I do not think highly of the Carolina Panthers this year.
Final Thought / Prediction: it would not shock me at all if the three best records in the NFC all reside in this division.
NFC West:
1. San Francisco 49ers (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 6-6 conference).
2. St. Louis Rams (8-8 overall; 4-2 division; 6-6 conference).
3. Arizona "Super" Cardinals (8-8 overall; 3-3 division; 5-7 conference).
4. Seattle Seahawks (3-13 overall; 1-5 division; 2-10 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: this outcome shocked me. Absolutely shocked me. When I ran the schedules, I fully expected the Cardinals to somehow emerge as the division winner. The schedule math says it'll be San Francisco. One thing that didn't shock me -- the Seahawks losing most of their games. They are going to be brutally awful to watch.
Biggest Game: Rams at 49ers, week 13. The winner of this game, won the division.
Biggest Upset: Seahawks over Cardinals, week 3. This upset prevented the Cardinals from winning the division.
Final Thought / Prediction: this division is going to be eight levels of awful yet again this year. Which means it will be tremendously entertaining, in a train wreck kind of way.
NFC Playoff Picture:
1. Philadelphia Eagles (best overall record in conference).
2. New Orleans Saints (second best overall record in conference).
3. Green Bay Packers (best record remaining division winners).
4. San Francisco 49ers (NFC West champion).
5. Atlanta Falcons (best record of non-division champions in conference).
6. Minnesota Vikings (win tiebreaker with Bucs via head-to-head victory in week 2).
NFC Postseason:
3 Packers over 6 Vikings
5 Falcons over 4 49ers
1 Eagles oveer 5 Falcons
3 Packers over 2 Saints
3 Packers over 1 Eagles
NFC Champion: Green Bay Packers.
AFC East:
1. New England Patriots (12-4 overall; 4-2 division; 9-3 conference).
2. New York Jets (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 6-6 conference).
3. Buffalo Bills (7-9 overall; 2-4 division; 6-6 conference).
4. Miami Dolphins (6-10 overall; 2-4 division; 5-7 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: I'm probably the only person in America who feels this way, but I do NOT like the makeup of this Jets team at all. This team just has underachiever written all over it. Way too lofty of expectations. Until proven otherwise, the Patriots are the class of this division, and are in strong contention for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. I probably overrated the Bills, but other than their home win over the Jets, you can't call any other projected win for them an "upset". The Dolphins are terrible, and I'd be shocked if they even win 6 games, as projected here.
Biggest Game: Chiefs at Patriots, week 11. Has huge, and I mean hu-yuge, postseason ramifications.
Biggest Upset: Bills over Jets, week 9. I don't honestly believe this is an upset, though. The Ralph is our house of horrors.
Final Thought / Prediction: Tony Sparano will not be returning to the Miami sidelines in 2012 as a gainfully employed member of the Dolphins.
AFC North:
1. Baltimore Ravens (11-5 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
3. Cleveland Browns (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
4. Cincinnati Bengals (1-15 overall; 0-6 division; 1-11 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: Ravens and Steelers are about as evenly matched as you can get. I gave the division to Baltimore because I project the 49ers, playing for their own division championship, to upset the Steelers at Candlestick in week 15. If you're looking for this year's "where the hell did they come from?!?!" shock playoff contender, I give you the Cleveland Browns. Look at the first 12 weeks of their schedule. No, seriously, take a look at it, I can wait a minute. (stevo patiently waiting). Yeah, cake. The problem for the Browns is that four of their last five are against the Ravens and Steelers. Yikes. And Cincinnati is the worst team in the league, bar none. They should give the 2008 Lions a run for their 0-16 money.
Biggest Game: Ravens at Chargers, week 15. Both Baltimore and Pittsburgh have tough West Coast prime time games in week 15. I project the Ravens to win theirs, while ...
Biggest Upset: 49ers over Steelers, week 15. The 49ers give a huge boost to their playoff hopes, and put a big-time hurt in the Steelers hopes.
Final Thought / Prediction: I could watch Baltimore and Pittsburgh play every day of the week, and twice on game day. Love the intensity, love the sheer hatred on both sides. Or what the Chiefs vs raiders used to be, before al davis died fifteen years ago. Wait, he's still alive? You're kidding me.
AFC South:
1. Indianapolis Colts (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
3. Houston Texans (7-9 overall; 3-3 division; 6-6 conference).
4. Tennessee Titans (2-14 overall; 1-5 division; 2-10 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: in two years, this division might be worse than the NFC West currently is. I think the Colts are toast, but they have just enough left to survive and reach the postseason.
Biggest Game: Texans at Colts, week 16. The winner of that game projects as the division champ. (The Jags were drawing dead entering week 17, despite finishing with a better record than Houston).
Biggest Upset: Panthers over Jaguars, week 3. This defeat cost Jacksonville the division.
Final Thought / Prediction: it would not shock me if all four teams are searching for a new head coach after the season. Jim Caldwell is a clueless corpse. Mike Munchak is going to be horrible. And Jack Del Rio and Gary Kubiak both should have been shown the door two years ago. Like I noted in the Stevo Coaches Power Poll, there are some really crappy coaches in this league. Four of the crappiest call the AFC South home.
AFC West:
1. Kansas City Chiefs (11-5 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
2. denver broncos (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
3. San Diego "Super" Chargers (7-9 overall; 3-3 division; 5-7 conference).
4. oakland raiders (3-13 overall; 1-5 division; 3-9 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: (cue "Stevo Getting Fired Up" speech music ...)
Riddle me this, Batman: if a team wins its division, then goes out in the offseason and upgrades at wide receiver (adding Steve Breaston and Jonathan Baldwin, cutting Chris Chambers), upgrades at linebacker (stealing Brandon Siler away from San Diego, drafting Justin Houston, and getting rid of Mike Vrabel), upgrades at nose tackle (replacing Edwards with Kelly Gregg), upgrades both lines (via the draft, and possibly Jared Gaither), dramatically improves and fixes it's biggest weakness (short yardage rushing) by signing the best running back on the market (LaRon McClain), AND resigns every vital free agent (Casey Weigmann, Jon McGraw, the Brandon brothers), how do you NOT make them the favorite to repeat as division champions? Exactly.
There's a reason why the Chiefs are on the rise -- they're competently run, decently coached*, have a boatload of young talent that will only get better as it gains experience, and have the most cap room in the League, so they can afford to resign said young talent as it approaches free agency (which is exactly what the Chiefs have done, giving long-term deals in the last twelve months to Jamaal Charles, Tamba Hali, and Derrick Johnson, as well as locking up Matt Cassel long term.)
(*: I'm giving Coach Asshat the benefit of the doubt.)
Meanwhile, the team most people believe will win the division this fall, the Chargers, are still run by a blowhard who hates his players (AJ Smith), are coached by a man affectionately known in the pro football universe as "Stanley Roper" (Norv Turner), and their biggest playmaker on offense is one extra sip of Corona away from a year-long suspension (Vincent Jackson). They have no rushing attack to speak of, they are relying on aging veterans to plug the holes in the defense, and their special teams last year were the worst in NFL history (allowing 4 -- yes, 4! -- returns for touchdowns, and allowing a blocked punt 5 -- yes 5! -- different times, including on back-to-back punts! To put this in perspective, the Chiefs have failed to get off a punt once in the Todd Haley era ... and that was on an intentional fake, a play I dubbed "the worst playcall in franchise history", against the broncos two years ago. I stand behind that designation, although the 4th and 1 pitch to Charles last January is a damned close second for that "honor".)
Anyways, the Chargers brilliant, foolproof plan to fix said disastrous special teams? Replace the coach. The problem wasn't talent, it was coaching. Or so say the Chargers braintrust.
Now I ask you, Chiefs fans, do you recall what the Chiefs answer to our abysmal defense was after the 2003 collapse? Its ok, I know I'm taxing your brains to ask you to think back eight years, but what was our "solution" to the problem? Did we cut every useless defender? (Nope). Did we infuse the roster with a bunch of hungry hungry hippos ... I mean, eager young talent through the draft and free agency? (Nope). Or ... did we blame everything on the coach, and bring back Gunther to fix the problem through some magical miracle? (DING! DING! DING!)
And I ask you, Chiefs fans, how did that "solution" work?
(It didn't).
So explain to me why the Chargers plan is going to work? Explain to me how this Chiefs team, which was better than the Chargers last year, has dramatically improved in the offseason, and returns all its core talent, how in the bluest of blue hells have the Chargers become the favorites?
Furthermore, for all the talk about how "brutal" the Chiefs schedule is ... the Chargers play 14 of the 16 exact games that we do! Six in the division, home games with Green Bay and Minnesota, Miami and Buffalo, road games at Chicago and Detroit, New England and the Jets. The only difference between our schedule and theirs in terms of opponents is that we travel to Indy and host Pittsburgh, while they travel to Jacksonville and host Baltimore. Is that really a huge advantage for them? I'd rather go to Indy than J'Ville, and I don't project either team to beat their AFC North opponent in the regular season. (The Chiefs also have one huge advantage in the schedule: most of our tough games, are later in the season. Most of San Diego's, are early. I'd rather see the Packers, Patriots, Jets and Steelers on the schedule after Thanksgiving under the hope at least one of them is a paper tiger. Rather than face them early before the season spirals out of control, like San Diego has to do. Because let's face it, we all know at least one of these "championship contenders" is going to crap out. My guess is it's the Jets, but we'll see.)
I could keep going on, but here's my attitude on the Chiefs season. For eight months now, we've been hearing about how last year was a fluke, how San Diego is so much better than we are, how our schedule is unbearable and screws us, how basically we were the nice little story from last year, but now it's time to go back to the kid’s table where we belong. You know my response to that? You want my take on people who think the Chiefs are not about to break through in a way none of us have ever witnessed before? Three simple words, and I say all three of them from the bottom of my heart, with the full courage of my convictions behind them.
Go fuck yourself.
We are NOT regressing this season! We are NOT taking any steps back!
Did the Carolina Panthers take two steps back after they improved by six games in 2002 (from 1 win to 7)? HELL NO! They went from 7 to 11 wins and were four seconds away from forcing overtime in the Super Bowl! So don't tell me the Chiefs HAVE to take a step back this fall. The Panthers didn't. The Cowboys didn't -- they went from 1 to 7 wins in 1990, then made the playoffs seven of the next eight years (missing only in 1997), reeling in three Lombardi Trophies to boot. Is that “taking a step back”? Is that “being a year away”, or “arriving a year too soon”? HELL NO!
Even in our own division, the broncos didn't take steps back. They went from 8 wins to 13 in 1996 ... and promptly won the next two Super Bowls. Don't you DARE tell me the Chiefs have to "take a step back", have to "take some more lumps". Because as the team I hate worse than anything on this earth proved, that logic is BULLSHIT! This team is built to win, and it is built to win NOW!
Most importantly, this team is built to win now, and it is GOING to win! NOW!
(the congregation clapping very, very loudly!) Preach it brother Stevo!!!
Still not convinced? Still not on board? Then go to Wikipedia, and look at the Chiefs when Marty and Carl arrived. Back to back four win seasons, then a “breakthrough” to 8 wins and missing the playoffs by half a game. Did the 1990 Chiefs take a “step back”? Did they need another season to “break through”? (congregation responding voice) FUCK NO! For the next seven years, Arrowhead became Terrorhead. Nobody wanted to play here. The Chiefs made the playoffs six out of those seven years, and experienced the longest sustained period of success in franchise history.
Do you think Marty and Carl sat around in 1990 and thought “well, you know, teams that make a big leap forward one year, tend to regress the next?” Are you f*cking nuts? NOONE in the organization thought that. They dared to dream great things, and then went out and DID them. Do you think Scott Pioli and Todd Haley are sitting around, frightened of the Chargers? Do you think they’re reading the “experts” saying the Chiefs are going to struggle because of a “tough schedule”, because of “youth and inexperience”? Or, like me, do you think they look at this opportunity in front of them, and they’re pushing the chips to the center of the table?
Readers, this team is damned good. A division championship, multiple Pro Bowlers, and a revitalized fan base are solid signs of the growth of 2010. It is time for the Chiefs to move from the “damned good” to “f*cking great” category, and by God, that WILL happen in 2011!
(wild congregational applause!)
All great things tend to come from humble, unexpected beginnings. As a history freak, I want to share one such inspirational story now.
Ulysses S. Grant takes over the Army of the Potomac in 1864. He is, bluntly, Lincoln’s last hope to defeat General Lee, to say nothing of saving his own job in the presidential election upcoming in six months.
Seven Union generals (McDowell, McClellan, Pope, McClellan again, Burnside, Hooker, and Meade) have failed to even dent the Army of Northern Virginia, let alone beat it. Well, ok, McClellan dented it on the Peninsula, but his own delusions doomed him to the failure Lee’s Seven Days campaign brought down on him.
Grant decides to move against Lee and the Confederate capital of Richmond by marching down the Rappahannock River in the spring of 1864 – a movement known in history as the Overland Campaign.
The Overland Campaign itself is one of the most interesting military movements in history. For starters, Lee won every battle. No, seriously, he did – he saved Richmond at Spotsylvania, he nearly destroyed a third of Grant’s army at North Anna, and he did destroy a third of it at Cold Harbor, the bloodiest battle in American military history, with nearly every casualty on the Union side.
But when the Campaign was over, Grant stood at the gates of Richmond, and the outcome of the war was known. It was not a question of if the North would take the capital and force Lee’s surrender, it was a question of when it would happen.
How did this happen, you ask? How can a general lose every battle and still win the war? It started in the midst of the first defeat.
Grant’s campaign begins in a heavily wooded area known as The Wilderness. (This is where Hooker got routed exactly one year earlier in the battle at Chancellorsville, the Union’s darkest hour to this point.) It is Grant’s first matchup against General Lee and the Army of Northern Virginia. For three days, Lee just hammers the Army of the Potomac. It is yet another catastrophe for the Union in Virginia – two Bull Runs, the Seven Days, Fredericksburg, Chancellorsville, Jackson’s Valley campaign, now this.
(Yes, I am this geeky. What can I say, the Civil War period fascinates me enough that I wound up with a minor in US history just from taking electives in college. And other than McClellan’s Peninsular Campaign, nothing fascinates me more than Grant’s Overland Campaign. Oh, and yes, I am going somewhere with this, hang in there.)
As his generals gather at headquarters towards the end of day three, all of them offer the same advice: cut and run. Cut and run. If we don't get out now, Lee will cut us off and destroy the army. From the picture his generals painted, simply trying to win was useless, because there was no hope, Lee was unbeatable.
(In Grant’s generals defense, virtually all of them had been getting their ass whipped by Lee and Joe Johnston since the war began, so a certain level of pessimistic defeat was understandable.)
General Grant sits and listens to this, doesn't say a word. Finally, he's had enough of his chicken sh*t generals, stands up, and drops the following in a fit of rage. "Gentlemen, you know I cannot abide curse words, but I'm going to use one now, because I am god damned sick and tired of hearing about what General Lee is going to do to us. It is high damned time you start talking about what WE are going to do to HIM!"
But Grant wasn’t finished. He turned one last time to his generals, and closed by stating this: “Gentlemen, this army has taken its last backwards step”.
And with that, the fate of the South was sealed. Instead of doing what every other Yankee general to date had done (retreat north), Grant marched south. Onward to Richmond. Setbacks are inevitable, but defeat is NOT an option.
That's how I feel about the 2011 Kansas City Chiefs. Readers, I am god damned sick and tired of hearing about what the Chargers, the raiders, the broncos, the Patriots, the Jets, the Bears, the Packers, the Steelers, the Colts, I am god damned sick and tired of hearing about what they are going to do to us. It is high damned time we focus on what we are going to do to them! And that is win this god damned division, bring Lamar's Trophy home, and steal the Lombardi while we're looting and pillaging what remains of the opposition!
It is OUR time! It is OUR year! It is onward to January, onward to the first playoff win in 18 years, onward to Indianapolis, onward to winning our first Super Bowl since 1970! This organization has taken its last backwards step!
(congregation exploding into wild applause!!!)
As for the rest of the division, the raiders are clueless, just fired the one positive thing they had going for them (Tom Cable), and they're going nowhere fast. Plus, as long as the corpse of al davis is calling the shots, there's no hope there. None.
Which leaves the denver broncos as my "wait, where the hell did these guys come from?!?!" shock particpant in the AFC playoffs. Look at that schedule -- it's manageable. Provided john fox rides kyle orton (as it appears he will), this team can absolutely replicate the 2006 Chiefs and sneak in at the gun to grab the final seat at the big kid's table. And in fact, that's exactly what I'm projecting will happen*.
(*: I plead the fifth as to whether this is putting a curse on denver’s season.)
Readers, I close my AFC West comments by saying this. I do not give a rip what the Chargers do, what the broncos do, what the raiders do. I couldn’t give a rat’s hairy ass what any other team plans to do to us. What matters is what we are going to do to them! This organization has turned the damned corner!
And good luck to any unlucky son of a bitch standing in our path.
Biggest Game: Chiefs at Patriots, week 11. The winner wound up with home field advantage throughout the playoffs.
Biggest Upset: raiders over Jets, week 3. This loss cost the Jets the final spot in the playoffs.
Final Thought / Prediction: the two teams poised to dominate this division for the next 5-6 years, are the Chiefs and broncos. Just the way God intended it to be.
AFC Playoff Picture:
1. New England Patriots (best overall record in conference).
2. Baltimore Ravens (win tiebreaker with Chiefs via record against common opponents).
3. Kansas City Chiefs (best remaining divisional winner).
4. Indianapolis Colts (AFC South champions).
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (best record of non-division winners in conference).
6. denver broncos (win tiebreaker over Jets via conference record, over Browns via record against common opponents).
AFC Playoffs:
5 Steelers over 4 Colts
3 Chiefs over 6 broncos
5 Steelers over 1 Patriots
3 Chiefs over 2 Ravens
3 Chiefs over 5 Steelers.
AFC Champions: Kansas City Chiefs.
Super Bowl XLV: Chiefs 27, Packers 17.
Super Bowl Champions: Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, I am guzzling the Kool-Aid, I am piloting the bandwagon, full speed ahead to the gates of Lucas Oil Stadium! And we're not stopping for gas or bathroom breaks either!
I'm all in. For the first time in my life, I am projecting the team I love to win the Super Bowl. It's time, Chiefs fans! It's time to bring Lamar's Trophy home, and steal Lombardi's Trophy while we're at it!
This season is going to be the Time of our Lives!
To turn into something I can believe in.
And looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon, I couldn't see it.
Until I let go, and gave into love.
And watched all the bitterness burn.
Now I'm coming alive, body and soul,
Feeling my world start to turn.
And I'll taste every moment, and live it out loud,
I know this is the time, this is the time to be
More than a name, or a face in the crowd,
I know this is the time, this is the time of my life ..."
-- Kansas City native and fellow die-hard Chiefs fan David Cook, "The Time of My Life"
------------
It's time. That's all I can really say about this year's "most anticipated post of the year". It's time to bring Lamar's Trophy home.
(Note up front: when I get to the AFC West preview, I start preaching. When I start preaching, I tend to start swearing, as anyone who’s ever gotten my weekly Chiefs pep talk disguised as NFL gambling picks knows. This post … is no exception. So if my preaching offends, you probably just want to skip the AFC West predictions. But if you do that, you’ll miss one of my finest hours as a writer. It’s not “Week Four Plea” epic, but it’s damned close.)
Let's start as always with the ...
NFC East:
1. Philadelphia Eagles (13-3 overall; 5-1 division; 9-3 conference).
2. Dallas Cowboys (9-7 overall; 3-3 division; 7-5 conference).
3. New York Giants (7-9 overall; 3-3 division; 5-7 conference).
4. Washington Redskins (4-12 overall; 1-5 division; 4-8 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: the Eagles are still the class of the division, and if anything, got considerably stronger in the offseason. Even though I have them opening 0-2 (and I'm not sold on the Rams beating them, to be completely honest), well, there's nobody in this division, barring injury, that will be within two games of them by early December. The Cowboys figure to be on the fringes of a wildcard berth. The Redskins might be the worst team in the conference. And the Giants? I ain't buying what they're selling. If any team is poised to be this year's "how the hell did they wind up at 5-11? I thought they were good!" winner as the League's biggest underachiever, the Giants are the frontrunners for that honor.
Biggest Game: Cowboys at Eagles, week 8. Dallas has to spring the upset to have any shot of staying in the divisional race. They won't.
Biggest Upset: Redskins over Cowboys, week 11. This loss kept Dallas out of the postseason.
Final Thought / Prediction: Tom Coughlin will "resign" as Giants head coach effective at the end of the season.
NFC North:
1. Green Bay Packers (10-6 overall; 3-3 division; 8-4 conference).
2. Minnesota Vikings (10-6 overall; 3-3 division; 8-4 conference).
3. Chicago Bears (9-7 overall; 3-3 division; 6-6 conference).
4. Detroit Lions (8-8 overall; 3-3 division; 6-6 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: I know everyone is on the Lions bandwagon this year ... but my God, look at those first eight games. I don't see any way the Lions emerge without at least five losses in that stretch, and I was generous in having them upset the Falcons at home. Packers and Vikings came down to the sixth tiebreaker -- strength of schedule. The Falcons and Giants project better than the Bucs and Redskins, albeit barely, to give the Packers the division. The Bears fall into the clusterf*ck at 9-7 that just missed a playoff berth.
Biggest Game: Bears at Vikings, week 17. Winner's in, loser's out according to my projections.
Biggest Upset: Lions over Falcons, week 7. I'm not sold on it, but I'm predicting it for now at least.
Final Thought / Prediction: Every team in the NFC Norris enters week 17 of my predictions still mathematically alive to win the division championship and host a playoff game. That is pretty cool. Hopefully it happens.
NFC South:
1. New Orleans Saints (12-4 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
2. Atlanta Falcons (11-5 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
4. Carolina Panthers (2-14 overall; 0-6 division; 0-12 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: Two really good established teams, one team definitely on the rise, and one of the two worst teams in the League. Makes for a very top-heavy division.
Biggest Game: Falcons at Saints, week 16. Winner gets the division and a first round bye; loser hits the road to face whoever wins the NFC West. And while that sounds like a layup win, that's exactly what everyone (including me) thought last year, when the Saints lost in this spot to the Falcons (to give Atlanta the division), and then they got rocked in Seattle by a 7-9 team in the wildcard round.
Biggest Upset: Panthers over Jaguars, week 3. Or their win over the Titans week 10. Needless to say, I do not think highly of the Carolina Panthers this year.
Final Thought / Prediction: it would not shock me at all if the three best records in the NFC all reside in this division.
NFC West:
1. San Francisco 49ers (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 6-6 conference).
2. St. Louis Rams (8-8 overall; 4-2 division; 6-6 conference).
3. Arizona "Super" Cardinals (8-8 overall; 3-3 division; 5-7 conference).
4. Seattle Seahawks (3-13 overall; 1-5 division; 2-10 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: this outcome shocked me. Absolutely shocked me. When I ran the schedules, I fully expected the Cardinals to somehow emerge as the division winner. The schedule math says it'll be San Francisco. One thing that didn't shock me -- the Seahawks losing most of their games. They are going to be brutally awful to watch.
Biggest Game: Rams at 49ers, week 13. The winner of this game, won the division.
Biggest Upset: Seahawks over Cardinals, week 3. This upset prevented the Cardinals from winning the division.
Final Thought / Prediction: this division is going to be eight levels of awful yet again this year. Which means it will be tremendously entertaining, in a train wreck kind of way.
NFC Playoff Picture:
1. Philadelphia Eagles (best overall record in conference).
2. New Orleans Saints (second best overall record in conference).
3. Green Bay Packers (best record remaining division winners).
4. San Francisco 49ers (NFC West champion).
5. Atlanta Falcons (best record of non-division champions in conference).
6. Minnesota Vikings (win tiebreaker with Bucs via head-to-head victory in week 2).
NFC Postseason:
3 Packers over 6 Vikings
5 Falcons over 4 49ers
1 Eagles oveer 5 Falcons
3 Packers over 2 Saints
3 Packers over 1 Eagles
NFC Champion: Green Bay Packers.
AFC East:
1. New England Patriots (12-4 overall; 4-2 division; 9-3 conference).
2. New York Jets (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 6-6 conference).
3. Buffalo Bills (7-9 overall; 2-4 division; 6-6 conference).
4. Miami Dolphins (6-10 overall; 2-4 division; 5-7 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: I'm probably the only person in America who feels this way, but I do NOT like the makeup of this Jets team at all. This team just has underachiever written all over it. Way too lofty of expectations. Until proven otherwise, the Patriots are the class of this division, and are in strong contention for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. I probably overrated the Bills, but other than their home win over the Jets, you can't call any other projected win for them an "upset". The Dolphins are terrible, and I'd be shocked if they even win 6 games, as projected here.
Biggest Game: Chiefs at Patriots, week 11. Has huge, and I mean hu-yuge, postseason ramifications.
Biggest Upset: Bills over Jets, week 9. I don't honestly believe this is an upset, though. The Ralph is our house of horrors.
Final Thought / Prediction: Tony Sparano will not be returning to the Miami sidelines in 2012 as a gainfully employed member of the Dolphins.
AFC North:
1. Baltimore Ravens (11-5 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
3. Cleveland Browns (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
4. Cincinnati Bengals (1-15 overall; 0-6 division; 1-11 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: Ravens and Steelers are about as evenly matched as you can get. I gave the division to Baltimore because I project the 49ers, playing for their own division championship, to upset the Steelers at Candlestick in week 15. If you're looking for this year's "where the hell did they come from?!?!" shock playoff contender, I give you the Cleveland Browns. Look at the first 12 weeks of their schedule. No, seriously, take a look at it, I can wait a minute. (stevo patiently waiting). Yeah, cake. The problem for the Browns is that four of their last five are against the Ravens and Steelers. Yikes. And Cincinnati is the worst team in the league, bar none. They should give the 2008 Lions a run for their 0-16 money.
Biggest Game: Ravens at Chargers, week 15. Both Baltimore and Pittsburgh have tough West Coast prime time games in week 15. I project the Ravens to win theirs, while ...
Biggest Upset: 49ers over Steelers, week 15. The 49ers give a huge boost to their playoff hopes, and put a big-time hurt in the Steelers hopes.
Final Thought / Prediction: I could watch Baltimore and Pittsburgh play every day of the week, and twice on game day. Love the intensity, love the sheer hatred on both sides. Or what the Chiefs vs raiders used to be, before al davis died fifteen years ago. Wait, he's still alive? You're kidding me.
AFC South:
1. Indianapolis Colts (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
3. Houston Texans (7-9 overall; 3-3 division; 6-6 conference).
4. Tennessee Titans (2-14 overall; 1-5 division; 2-10 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: in two years, this division might be worse than the NFC West currently is. I think the Colts are toast, but they have just enough left to survive and reach the postseason.
Biggest Game: Texans at Colts, week 16. The winner of that game projects as the division champ. (The Jags were drawing dead entering week 17, despite finishing with a better record than Houston).
Biggest Upset: Panthers over Jaguars, week 3. This defeat cost Jacksonville the division.
Final Thought / Prediction: it would not shock me if all four teams are searching for a new head coach after the season. Jim Caldwell is a clueless corpse. Mike Munchak is going to be horrible. And Jack Del Rio and Gary Kubiak both should have been shown the door two years ago. Like I noted in the Stevo Coaches Power Poll, there are some really crappy coaches in this league. Four of the crappiest call the AFC South home.
AFC West:
1. Kansas City Chiefs (11-5 overall; 4-2 division; 8-4 conference).
2. denver broncos (9-7 overall; 4-2 division; 7-5 conference).
3. San Diego "Super" Chargers (7-9 overall; 3-3 division; 5-7 conference).
4. oakland raiders (3-13 overall; 1-5 division; 3-9 conference).
Rationale / Reasoning: (cue "Stevo Getting Fired Up" speech music ...)
Riddle me this, Batman: if a team wins its division, then goes out in the offseason and upgrades at wide receiver (adding Steve Breaston and Jonathan Baldwin, cutting Chris Chambers), upgrades at linebacker (stealing Brandon Siler away from San Diego, drafting Justin Houston, and getting rid of Mike Vrabel), upgrades at nose tackle (replacing Edwards with Kelly Gregg), upgrades both lines (via the draft, and possibly Jared Gaither), dramatically improves and fixes it's biggest weakness (short yardage rushing) by signing the best running back on the market (LaRon McClain), AND resigns every vital free agent (Casey Weigmann, Jon McGraw, the Brandon brothers), how do you NOT make them the favorite to repeat as division champions? Exactly.
There's a reason why the Chiefs are on the rise -- they're competently run, decently coached*, have a boatload of young talent that will only get better as it gains experience, and have the most cap room in the League, so they can afford to resign said young talent as it approaches free agency (which is exactly what the Chiefs have done, giving long-term deals in the last twelve months to Jamaal Charles, Tamba Hali, and Derrick Johnson, as well as locking up Matt Cassel long term.)
(*: I'm giving Coach Asshat the benefit of the doubt.)
Meanwhile, the team most people believe will win the division this fall, the Chargers, are still run by a blowhard who hates his players (AJ Smith), are coached by a man affectionately known in the pro football universe as "Stanley Roper" (Norv Turner), and their biggest playmaker on offense is one extra sip of Corona away from a year-long suspension (Vincent Jackson). They have no rushing attack to speak of, they are relying on aging veterans to plug the holes in the defense, and their special teams last year were the worst in NFL history (allowing 4 -- yes, 4! -- returns for touchdowns, and allowing a blocked punt 5 -- yes 5! -- different times, including on back-to-back punts! To put this in perspective, the Chiefs have failed to get off a punt once in the Todd Haley era ... and that was on an intentional fake, a play I dubbed "the worst playcall in franchise history", against the broncos two years ago. I stand behind that designation, although the 4th and 1 pitch to Charles last January is a damned close second for that "honor".)
Anyways, the Chargers brilliant, foolproof plan to fix said disastrous special teams? Replace the coach. The problem wasn't talent, it was coaching. Or so say the Chargers braintrust.
Now I ask you, Chiefs fans, do you recall what the Chiefs answer to our abysmal defense was after the 2003 collapse? Its ok, I know I'm taxing your brains to ask you to think back eight years, but what was our "solution" to the problem? Did we cut every useless defender? (Nope). Did we infuse the roster with a bunch of hungry hungry hippos ... I mean, eager young talent through the draft and free agency? (Nope). Or ... did we blame everything on the coach, and bring back Gunther to fix the problem through some magical miracle? (DING! DING! DING!)
And I ask you, Chiefs fans, how did that "solution" work?
(It didn't).
So explain to me why the Chargers plan is going to work? Explain to me how this Chiefs team, which was better than the Chargers last year, has dramatically improved in the offseason, and returns all its core talent, how in the bluest of blue hells have the Chargers become the favorites?
Furthermore, for all the talk about how "brutal" the Chiefs schedule is ... the Chargers play 14 of the 16 exact games that we do! Six in the division, home games with Green Bay and Minnesota, Miami and Buffalo, road games at Chicago and Detroit, New England and the Jets. The only difference between our schedule and theirs in terms of opponents is that we travel to Indy and host Pittsburgh, while they travel to Jacksonville and host Baltimore. Is that really a huge advantage for them? I'd rather go to Indy than J'Ville, and I don't project either team to beat their AFC North opponent in the regular season. (The Chiefs also have one huge advantage in the schedule: most of our tough games, are later in the season. Most of San Diego's, are early. I'd rather see the Packers, Patriots, Jets and Steelers on the schedule after Thanksgiving under the hope at least one of them is a paper tiger. Rather than face them early before the season spirals out of control, like San Diego has to do. Because let's face it, we all know at least one of these "championship contenders" is going to crap out. My guess is it's the Jets, but we'll see.)
I could keep going on, but here's my attitude on the Chiefs season. For eight months now, we've been hearing about how last year was a fluke, how San Diego is so much better than we are, how our schedule is unbearable and screws us, how basically we were the nice little story from last year, but now it's time to go back to the kid’s table where we belong. You know my response to that? You want my take on people who think the Chiefs are not about to break through in a way none of us have ever witnessed before? Three simple words, and I say all three of them from the bottom of my heart, with the full courage of my convictions behind them.
Go fuck yourself.
We are NOT regressing this season! We are NOT taking any steps back!
Did the Carolina Panthers take two steps back after they improved by six games in 2002 (from 1 win to 7)? HELL NO! They went from 7 to 11 wins and were four seconds away from forcing overtime in the Super Bowl! So don't tell me the Chiefs HAVE to take a step back this fall. The Panthers didn't. The Cowboys didn't -- they went from 1 to 7 wins in 1990, then made the playoffs seven of the next eight years (missing only in 1997), reeling in three Lombardi Trophies to boot. Is that “taking a step back”? Is that “being a year away”, or “arriving a year too soon”? HELL NO!
Even in our own division, the broncos didn't take steps back. They went from 8 wins to 13 in 1996 ... and promptly won the next two Super Bowls. Don't you DARE tell me the Chiefs have to "take a step back", have to "take some more lumps". Because as the team I hate worse than anything on this earth proved, that logic is BULLSHIT! This team is built to win, and it is built to win NOW!
Most importantly, this team is built to win now, and it is GOING to win! NOW!
(the congregation clapping very, very loudly!) Preach it brother Stevo!!!
Still not convinced? Still not on board? Then go to Wikipedia, and look at the Chiefs when Marty and Carl arrived. Back to back four win seasons, then a “breakthrough” to 8 wins and missing the playoffs by half a game. Did the 1990 Chiefs take a “step back”? Did they need another season to “break through”? (congregation responding voice) FUCK NO! For the next seven years, Arrowhead became Terrorhead. Nobody wanted to play here. The Chiefs made the playoffs six out of those seven years, and experienced the longest sustained period of success in franchise history.
Do you think Marty and Carl sat around in 1990 and thought “well, you know, teams that make a big leap forward one year, tend to regress the next?” Are you f*cking nuts? NOONE in the organization thought that. They dared to dream great things, and then went out and DID them. Do you think Scott Pioli and Todd Haley are sitting around, frightened of the Chargers? Do you think they’re reading the “experts” saying the Chiefs are going to struggle because of a “tough schedule”, because of “youth and inexperience”? Or, like me, do you think they look at this opportunity in front of them, and they’re pushing the chips to the center of the table?
Readers, this team is damned good. A division championship, multiple Pro Bowlers, and a revitalized fan base are solid signs of the growth of 2010. It is time for the Chiefs to move from the “damned good” to “f*cking great” category, and by God, that WILL happen in 2011!
(wild congregational applause!)
All great things tend to come from humble, unexpected beginnings. As a history freak, I want to share one such inspirational story now.
Ulysses S. Grant takes over the Army of the Potomac in 1864. He is, bluntly, Lincoln’s last hope to defeat General Lee, to say nothing of saving his own job in the presidential election upcoming in six months.
Seven Union generals (McDowell, McClellan, Pope, McClellan again, Burnside, Hooker, and Meade) have failed to even dent the Army of Northern Virginia, let alone beat it. Well, ok, McClellan dented it on the Peninsula, but his own delusions doomed him to the failure Lee’s Seven Days campaign brought down on him.
Grant decides to move against Lee and the Confederate capital of Richmond by marching down the Rappahannock River in the spring of 1864 – a movement known in history as the Overland Campaign.
The Overland Campaign itself is one of the most interesting military movements in history. For starters, Lee won every battle. No, seriously, he did – he saved Richmond at Spotsylvania, he nearly destroyed a third of Grant’s army at North Anna, and he did destroy a third of it at Cold Harbor, the bloodiest battle in American military history, with nearly every casualty on the Union side.
But when the Campaign was over, Grant stood at the gates of Richmond, and the outcome of the war was known. It was not a question of if the North would take the capital and force Lee’s surrender, it was a question of when it would happen.
How did this happen, you ask? How can a general lose every battle and still win the war? It started in the midst of the first defeat.
Grant’s campaign begins in a heavily wooded area known as The Wilderness. (This is where Hooker got routed exactly one year earlier in the battle at Chancellorsville, the Union’s darkest hour to this point.) It is Grant’s first matchup against General Lee and the Army of Northern Virginia. For three days, Lee just hammers the Army of the Potomac. It is yet another catastrophe for the Union in Virginia – two Bull Runs, the Seven Days, Fredericksburg, Chancellorsville, Jackson’s Valley campaign, now this.
(Yes, I am this geeky. What can I say, the Civil War period fascinates me enough that I wound up with a minor in US history just from taking electives in college. And other than McClellan’s Peninsular Campaign, nothing fascinates me more than Grant’s Overland Campaign. Oh, and yes, I am going somewhere with this, hang in there.)
As his generals gather at headquarters towards the end of day three, all of them offer the same advice: cut and run. Cut and run. If we don't get out now, Lee will cut us off and destroy the army. From the picture his generals painted, simply trying to win was useless, because there was no hope, Lee was unbeatable.
(In Grant’s generals defense, virtually all of them had been getting their ass whipped by Lee and Joe Johnston since the war began, so a certain level of pessimistic defeat was understandable.)
General Grant sits and listens to this, doesn't say a word. Finally, he's had enough of his chicken sh*t generals, stands up, and drops the following in a fit of rage. "Gentlemen, you know I cannot abide curse words, but I'm going to use one now, because I am god damned sick and tired of hearing about what General Lee is going to do to us. It is high damned time you start talking about what WE are going to do to HIM!"
But Grant wasn’t finished. He turned one last time to his generals, and closed by stating this: “Gentlemen, this army has taken its last backwards step”.
And with that, the fate of the South was sealed. Instead of doing what every other Yankee general to date had done (retreat north), Grant marched south. Onward to Richmond. Setbacks are inevitable, but defeat is NOT an option.
That's how I feel about the 2011 Kansas City Chiefs. Readers, I am god damned sick and tired of hearing about what the Chargers, the raiders, the broncos, the Patriots, the Jets, the Bears, the Packers, the Steelers, the Colts, I am god damned sick and tired of hearing about what they are going to do to us. It is high damned time we focus on what we are going to do to them! And that is win this god damned division, bring Lamar's Trophy home, and steal the Lombardi while we're looting and pillaging what remains of the opposition!
It is OUR time! It is OUR year! It is onward to January, onward to the first playoff win in 18 years, onward to Indianapolis, onward to winning our first Super Bowl since 1970! This organization has taken its last backwards step!
(congregation exploding into wild applause!!!)
As for the rest of the division, the raiders are clueless, just fired the one positive thing they had going for them (Tom Cable), and they're going nowhere fast. Plus, as long as the corpse of al davis is calling the shots, there's no hope there. None.
Which leaves the denver broncos as my "wait, where the hell did these guys come from?!?!" shock particpant in the AFC playoffs. Look at that schedule -- it's manageable. Provided john fox rides kyle orton (as it appears he will), this team can absolutely replicate the 2006 Chiefs and sneak in at the gun to grab the final seat at the big kid's table. And in fact, that's exactly what I'm projecting will happen*.
(*: I plead the fifth as to whether this is putting a curse on denver’s season.)
Readers, I close my AFC West comments by saying this. I do not give a rip what the Chargers do, what the broncos do, what the raiders do. I couldn’t give a rat’s hairy ass what any other team plans to do to us. What matters is what we are going to do to them! This organization has turned the damned corner!
And good luck to any unlucky son of a bitch standing in our path.
Biggest Game: Chiefs at Patriots, week 11. The winner wound up with home field advantage throughout the playoffs.
Biggest Upset: raiders over Jets, week 3. This loss cost the Jets the final spot in the playoffs.
Final Thought / Prediction: the two teams poised to dominate this division for the next 5-6 years, are the Chiefs and broncos. Just the way God intended it to be.
AFC Playoff Picture:
1. New England Patriots (best overall record in conference).
2. Baltimore Ravens (win tiebreaker with Chiefs via record against common opponents).
3. Kansas City Chiefs (best remaining divisional winner).
4. Indianapolis Colts (AFC South champions).
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (best record of non-division winners in conference).
6. denver broncos (win tiebreaker over Jets via conference record, over Browns via record against common opponents).
AFC Playoffs:
5 Steelers over 4 Colts
3 Chiefs over 6 broncos
5 Steelers over 1 Patriots
3 Chiefs over 2 Ravens
3 Chiefs over 5 Steelers.
AFC Champions: Kansas City Chiefs.
Super Bowl XLV: Chiefs 27, Packers 17.
Super Bowl Champions: Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, I am guzzling the Kool-Aid, I am piloting the bandwagon, full speed ahead to the gates of Lucas Oil Stadium! And we're not stopping for gas or bathroom breaks either!
I'm all in. For the first time in my life, I am projecting the team I love to win the Super Bowl. It's time, Chiefs fans! It's time to bring Lamar's Trophy home, and steal Lombardi's Trophy while we're at it!
This season is going to be the Time of our Lives!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
manana: the most anticipated post of the year, version 20
"I ... I ... I ... I ... I
Can't get you out of my head.
God knows I've tried,
But I just can't forget
Those crazy nights,
And all the things that we did.
I ... I ... I ... I ... I
Can't get you out of my head ..."
-- "Out of My Head" by Theory of a Deadman. Tremendous.
------------------
So ... "the most anticipated post of the year" is ready*. I'm still proofing the Excel spreadsheets, and making sure my tiebreaker procedures are accurate according to nfl.com standards (there's a clusterf*ck at 9-7 for the final AFC wildcard slot, and by "clusterf*ck", I mean "three teams tied after going five deep in the tiebreakers". I'll give you a little hint -- one of the "losers" at 9-7 in the tiebreakers (I think they're a loser, if I read the tiebreakers right) is the Browns. Look at their schedule. There's no way they'll be worse than 8-4 after week 13.)
(*: yes, this is the 20th edition! Dating back to my chicken scratch handwriting on a piece of Big Chief notebook paper in study hall in high school. OK, ok, it was probably on a Trapper Keeper piece of paper, but still. 20 years! Someone tell the Vice President, because this IS a "big f*cking deal"!!!)
What I wanted to do in this post ... is prep you for what's coming.
Because when "the most anticipated post of the year" hits sometime tomorrow evening, it will contain a prediction I have never made before. And at the risk of blowing my load early ... (dusty voice: it wouldn't be the first time! (rimshot!)) ... screw it, its time to start firing.
I'm all in. Not "debating for fifteen minutes while the ESPN cameras are on me, then pushing a handful of chips, before a "why not" look appears on my face" all in. I am all f*cking in.
Lamar's Trophy is coming home.
I cannot even begin to describe how psyched I am for this season. I haven't been this geeked entering a season since 2006. I believe in this team. I believe in what we have. I believe in what we are going to be.
What I can't get out of my head ... is one crazy night. And four things that "we" did. First down, second down, third down, fourth down. Against the Chargers, to open the 2010 season.
The division changed for the better that night. The balance of power shifted from the beaches of California, to the dried out grass of western Missouri.
And you know what? I don't want to get that magical night out of my head. That fourth down stand, Glenn Dorsey's big hambone knocking Phyllis Rivers' pass to the ground, as every die hard in the Kingdom exploded in ecstasy ... I don't want to get that out of my head.
The walk up the spiral ramp. The pounding of the signage. The tomahawk chops and chants.
As great as that night was, as magical, as awesome as that night was, it ain't chicken sh*t compared to what we're going to experience on January 22, 2012.
Believe Chiefs fans. For the first time in my life, I'm all in. The chips are in the middle of the table. Am I pushing in with an Ace / 5 suited? Possibly. But I'm pushing in.
I have NEVER been as confident in a Chiefs team beginning the season, as I am with this one. I believe. I'm all in, as you'll see when "the most anticipated post of the year" hits.
I just hope you will join me on the bandwagon, and witness a season I believe none of us are going to want to get "out of our heads" anytime soon ...
Can't get you out of my head.
God knows I've tried,
But I just can't forget
Those crazy nights,
And all the things that we did.
I ... I ... I ... I ... I
Can't get you out of my head ..."
-- "Out of My Head" by Theory of a Deadman. Tremendous.
------------------
So ... "the most anticipated post of the year" is ready*. I'm still proofing the Excel spreadsheets, and making sure my tiebreaker procedures are accurate according to nfl.com standards (there's a clusterf*ck at 9-7 for the final AFC wildcard slot, and by "clusterf*ck", I mean "three teams tied after going five deep in the tiebreakers". I'll give you a little hint -- one of the "losers" at 9-7 in the tiebreakers (I think they're a loser, if I read the tiebreakers right) is the Browns. Look at their schedule. There's no way they'll be worse than 8-4 after week 13.)
(*: yes, this is the 20th edition! Dating back to my chicken scratch handwriting on a piece of Big Chief notebook paper in study hall in high school. OK, ok, it was probably on a Trapper Keeper piece of paper, but still. 20 years! Someone tell the Vice President, because this IS a "big f*cking deal"!!!)
What I wanted to do in this post ... is prep you for what's coming.
Because when "the most anticipated post of the year" hits sometime tomorrow evening, it will contain a prediction I have never made before. And at the risk of blowing my load early ... (dusty voice: it wouldn't be the first time! (rimshot!)) ... screw it, its time to start firing.
I'm all in. Not "debating for fifteen minutes while the ESPN cameras are on me, then pushing a handful of chips, before a "why not" look appears on my face" all in. I am all f*cking in.
Lamar's Trophy is coming home.
I cannot even begin to describe how psyched I am for this season. I haven't been this geeked entering a season since 2006. I believe in this team. I believe in what we have. I believe in what we are going to be.
What I can't get out of my head ... is one crazy night. And four things that "we" did. First down, second down, third down, fourth down. Against the Chargers, to open the 2010 season.
The division changed for the better that night. The balance of power shifted from the beaches of California, to the dried out grass of western Missouri.
And you know what? I don't want to get that magical night out of my head. That fourth down stand, Glenn Dorsey's big hambone knocking Phyllis Rivers' pass to the ground, as every die hard in the Kingdom exploded in ecstasy ... I don't want to get that out of my head.
The walk up the spiral ramp. The pounding of the signage. The tomahawk chops and chants.
As great as that night was, as magical, as awesome as that night was, it ain't chicken sh*t compared to what we're going to experience on January 22, 2012.
Believe Chiefs fans. For the first time in my life, I'm all in. The chips are in the middle of the table. Am I pushing in with an Ace / 5 suited? Possibly. But I'm pushing in.
I have NEVER been as confident in a Chiefs team beginning the season, as I am with this one. I believe. I'm all in, as you'll see when "the most anticipated post of the year" hits.
I just hope you will join me on the bandwagon, and witness a season I believe none of us are going to want to get "out of our heads" anytime soon ...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
floatapalooza dos: bye bye aaaaaaaah!
“Oh. Johnny wishes he was famous.
Spends his time alone in the basement.
With Lennon and Cobain and
A guitar and a stereo.
Well he wishes he could escape this,
But it all seems so contagious.
Not to be yourself and faceless,
In a song that has no soul.
I remember feeling low,
And I remember losing hope,
And I remember all the feelings and
The day they stopped.
We are.
We are all innocent.
We are all innocent.
We are. We are.
We are.
We are all innocent.
We are all innocent.
We are. We are …”
-- “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace, my favorite song of all time. You cannot even imagine how shocked I was, given how few people have ever heard this song, when it popped up on the iPod on the way down, and DJ was singing along to every freaking word. I gotta give him this: “The Kid” NEVER fails to impress me …
---------------------------------
Floatapalooza Dos. Hmmm. This might be the most conflicted post of the summer.
On the one hand, it was a great time had by all. Anytime "The Family" can get away for a weekend, it's gonna be a good time. On the other hand, that was without question the single worst float I've ever been on in my life, a complete waste of time, money, and yet another pair of expensive sunglasses*. So, I guess I'll just zig-zag between the positive and negative as it went down, and figure it all out at the end.
(*: I have one more floater this summer, over Labor Day weekend. You can bet your ass I'm buying my pair of shades for that thing at the dollar store. Prescription sunglasses lost on Uno, my Oakleys lost on Dos. I feel "El Cheapo" brand shades going under in three weeks.)
So, here we go.
* Departed about 5:15pm on Friday. "Boys in front, girls in the rear". The Nitro was loaded -- two coolers, blankets and pillows for four people, an air mattress, but unlike most floaters, no tents. Why, you ask? Because in the first nominee for Miller Lite Good Call of the Weekend, DJ had reserved us a cabin. Considering it rained all day Friday, this was a pretty smart decision. And yes, it scares the p*ss out of me that I'm five paragraphs in, and the words "good decision" have been used to describe a Dusty idea. Told you this was one f*cking crazy weekend.
* Get onto the freeway, and immediately hit the Friday slowdown heading east. No shocker to those of us who drive it every day. Dusty decides he'll find us another way to get to 71, to avoid traffic in the Triangle. About 68 wrong turns later, we somehow wind up in Peculiar and manage to link in with the freeway again. There's an hour of my life I won't be getting back.
* About 30 minutes later, I get my first look at Clinton, Missouri, and the beautiful Golden Valley medical complex.
* Somehow, the only person who realizes highway 7 turns left when it does, is Dusty. I'd hate to see where we'd have wound up had we gone straight.
* The drive down on 7 takes you through the bustling metropolis of Tightwad, Missouri. Yes, this inspired about 20 minutes of stupid "tightwad" jokes that are funny at the time, and when you sit down to recap them five days later, you think "Jesus, that's not even remotely funny". Kinda like naming every bird you can think of driving through the Wildcats*.
(*: three true stories from bowling league last night, which thankfully was the last week of this awful summer league. First, I bowled a 200. Yes, me, the worst male bowler in any league I am in, bowled a 200. Not only did I bowl a 200, I reeled off six straight strikes to close out my game. And finally, the lady we were bowling, was wearing a "The Bird is the Word" t-shirt. You're damned right that inspired line after line from the best episode of "Family Guy" ever, the "I Dream of Jesus" episode.)
* We reach Warsaw around 7pm. We had decided to stop for food and booze in Warsaw because we figured everyone else headed down would be stopping in Clinton (a correct assumption, by the way. Christ, that's three rock solid Dusty decisions, and we aren't even two complete pages into this thing. The world truly is going ape sh*t crazy.) Of course, in order to stop in Warsaw, we had to find a place to stop. We turn south onto 65 looking for a grocery store, and I spot the Country Mart right after we pass the exit. After turning around and doubling back, it's time to hit the Country Mart!
* More specifically, it's time for me to hit the bathroom. I had to pee like a racehorse. After wandering the store for 10 minutes, not a bathroom in sight. Finally I flag down a stock boy, who notes "oh, well really, it's not for public use, but it's back in the stock area ..." I just ignore him and sprint for the stock room door. Worst case, I'm getting kicked out of a Country Mart in Warsaw for peeing in a toilet. That would be a story to tell the grandkids.
* We load up on sausages to grill, on sausage biscuits for breakfast, frozen pizzas for snacks, and beer. Lots of beer. As in three cases of Miller Lite and one case of Budweiser. I get the "really, Budweiser?" stares from everyone. Yes, really. Budweiser. I'm not a Miller Lite fan. That, and I couldn't find a decent bottle of vodka to throw in the cart.
* Although, proof you really were in a special part of the country: they actually had a full on display case, next to the frozen meat section (aka "we suggest you buy this to go with dinner" location), they had a display case full ... of Boone's Farm. As the great Joey Lawrence would note, "WHOA!" I've never seen so many varieties of Boone's Farm available in one location.
* Conservative craziness: I booed the "Listen to Glenn Beck!" billboard, and I just shook my head in rage at the absolutely treasonous billboards on 65 denouncing President Obama. You may not like him personally, you may oppose his agenda, but for f*ck's sake, don't call him the antichrist, like this piece of crap billboard did. I'm pretty sure that when (ok, if) there is this "antichrist" unleashed upon the unsuspecting masses, that Satan will recruit someone far more competent and universally liked than Barack Obama. Come on.
* Random DJ question of the drive down: "why is there a gas station on each corner?" as we hit a random country intersection. The answer to the obvious random question is "yes". Also, I like the word "random".
* Also, if you had five in the "how many drinks in will Stevo be when they arrive at the campsite", congratulations, you'd have pushed.
* Funniest sight as we arrived at the campsite: when you got to the store / check-in office, there were about six college kids standing there, drinking beer, shirtless, hitting on any chick that walked by. Or me fifteen years ago. And like me fifteen years ago, they all struck out. But at least they had a nice buzz going.
* This was the first float I'd ever been on where you didn't get a wristband at check-in. I gotta admit, I was a little disappointed. I always wear the "man whore" bracelet on floaters, and I never fail to love seeing people's responses when they have to put a wristband on next to it. (Oh, and like three paragraphs ago, the answer to the obvious question is "yes".)
* We did get one thing to attach to the body: a bracelet thingy that worked as bug repellant. I mention this for two reasons. First, because the damned thing actually worked. Second, because it would figure prominently into the funniest sequence from Saturday. The thingy looked like one of those keychain ropes you get at the casino to attach your players card to, except bracelet-shaped instead of a long string. Uum, not that I would know what a casino player's card chain would look like.
* We drive up to the cabin, and when they described it as "cozy", well, they definitely nailed that description. But, there was plenty of room for four people. When you walked into the place, you had a fold down futon leather couch on the right, and a twin bed on the left, with the kitchen and bathroom ahead of you. I actually was impressed. I had visions of a roach-invaded shack; instead, this was actually pretty sweet.
We unload the Nitro, put the beer and food in the fridge and freezer, drag the laptop and the iPod over by the window, and go sit on the porch, where we'd spend the next 3 some odd hours enjoying the beer, the fresh country air, and anything else that happened to be enjoyed.
* We also met our camping neighbors to the right of us for the weekend, Tom and Vince. Really nice couple. Easy to get along with. They also had a 13 year old dog that was fun to have around. I cannot for the life of me remember the dog's name though. I keep wanting to call it Shelby, but I know that's wrong. But it's something close to Shelby? (rage against the machine voice) f*ck it, cut the cord! Before I go insane from trying to think of a random dog's name.
I do remember though, that the first time I saw said dog, I thought I was really drunk, high, or both, because I had to take a step back. One eye was dark, the other was completely white. I was like "whoa, I am really tanked!" Turns out ... the dog really did have two completely different colored eyes.
* One of the selling points DJ used to justify paying for a cabin was "it'll have air conditioning". Uum, yes. Yes it did. To say it was freaking freezing in that cabin is a grouse understatement. I got maybe two hours of sleep Friday night. I literally was sleeping with my legs crossed Indian style, my whole body tucked inside my blanket like a newborn baby, trying to stay warm, and I was failing miserably.
Finally about 7am, I was like "screw it, I'm up", and decided to head off in search of an ATM machine and some batteries for the iPod speakers. And son of a b*tch, the store wasn't open yet. So I start walking back up the hill, and for some reason, Dusty's driving the Nitro towards me. Turns out he had the same idea, only he was smart enough to get in the car first. So, I hop in, and we head a couple miles down the road to another campsite where the store is open that early.
* About 9:30, everyone is finally up and moving, and we head down to the dock to get a raft. (julie chen voice) But First! We needed ice for the coolers. I offer to go get some, walk into the store ... and there's a group of 26 checking in ahead of me. Go figure, they were all paying separately. Twenty minutes later, Kellie comes in in a "what the f*ck is taking this moron so long to get a bag of ice?" mood, right as I reach the counter. Anyways, we get the ice, head down to the dock, and it's floating time!
* And with that last sentence ... things go downhill in a hurry. For starters, the current was so strong that taking your sweet time (aka "maximize the day") was impossible. Also, all the rain that had dumped over the last few days left the river freezing cold.
How did I know it was “freezing cold”? Because not even twenty f*cking minutes into the float, the biggest ass on the river feels the need to knock me in. And no, I did not censor “ass”, because that’s what he is when he gets on a raft: a mother f*cking ass. Somehow I manage to get back on board after drifting along for a while. I’m shocked I still had feeling in my lower extremities, it was that cold in there.
* We reach what we were told was the halfway point, the NRO beach-out point, in barely two hours. In two hours on the Elk River a couple weeks ago, we could still see where we’d gotten into the river, we were going so slow. Now? We’ve gone at least 3 miles in record time. This is not good for those of us who were planning to enjoy the day.
* Then again, how could I enjoy the day when the "biggest mother f*cking ass on the river" kept knocking me into said river. Oh yeah, he struck again, right after the halfway point. Three other people on the raft found it hysterical. Needless to say, I was not one of those three people.
* At least the iPod worked well most of the way. It overheated a little bit near the midpoint, but other than that, it was (linda richman voice) like buddah. Like a big stick a buddah.
* Unfortunately, one side effect of the iPod working perfectly … meant that eventually, the one song I can effectively dance to came on. And no, I don’t mean “Party in the USA”, although I think I do a damned good dance to the chorus, thank you very much.
Nope, I’m talking about the song I consider to be one of the five biggest songs of the 2000s. Oh yeah. It ain’t no lie. “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC.
So, as the song starts up, go figure, we reach one of the deepest points of the river. As always, I stand to start my dancing (11 years later, and I still have the whole god d*mned chorus down to a T!), and the biggest ass on the river … shockingly, does nothing. Instead, his designated co-hort Katie tosses me in just as I finish the chomping motion on the last “bye”.
This one got laughs from every raft, canoe, and floating person around us, as well it should have. It was perfectly timed, perfectly done.
I finally manage to get back in, and then someone yells “hey, you left your bug band in the river!” You know, those yellow bracelet thingies DJ had bought on Friday. Mine had slid off while I was attempting to hang on to the raft. I look at Katie, and she has a “you’re going back in” look in her eyes, and I have a “god d*mn it, I can’t stop this” look in mine. Yup, right back in.
And yeah, you’re damned right I saved that bug wrist band thingy.
* By this point, I was exhausted. I’d been frozen in the water four times now. I was a solid eight, nine beers in. I was gone-zo. I crawl into the middle of the raft, prop myself up against the cooler, make sure I’m submerged into said raft so that I cannot be easily tipped back in … and pass out.
And what seemed like 45 seconds later, I hear DJ screaming “Stevo! Wake up! We’re done!” I’m like “huh?”, in a haze of intoxication and … we’ll just go with intoxicated, in case my mom reads this, “intoxicated”. She’ll be ok with that*. God knows she’s used to it.
(*: before Floatapalooza Uno, my mom called me up, and after shooting the sh*t for a few minutes, gets into what she wanted to say:
(stevo’s mom) so who all’s going on this trip with you?
(stevo) Katie and Cassie.
(stevo’s mom) so you’re going with two girls?
(stevo) yup. Betcha didn’t think I could ever pull that off, did you?
(stevo’s mom) (ignores the one liner)
(stevo’s mom) well, now, just promise me you’ll make wise choices.
(stevo) oh don’t worry, I don’t plan on sleeping with either of them.
(stevo’s mom) well, please, just promise me you’ll make wise choices.
(stevo) (worn out from this conversation) yes mom, I promise. I will make wise choices.
(stevo’s mom) good. Because I don’t have the energy to watch a fourth grandkid every week. Especially if it’s yours.
(stevo) what does that mean?
(stevo’s mom) (pauses) uuh, nothing. Just make wise choices.
The point of recapping that call? Other than the fact that I love that my mom refers to safe sex as “making wise choices”**? It’s this: I think it’s great that after 34 years, 8 months, and 14 some odd days of drawing breath on this planet, we’ve finally reached a point in our relationship where she doesn’t give a f*ck what I do, just so long as I don’t make her have to clean up the mess. Holy crap, have I reached … (gulp) … adulthood? Responsibleville? Nah, no way. I refuse. At least until I’m 42.)
(**: yup, a subnote to the subnote! In the words of Dave Armstrong, “WOW!” And the subnote’s subnote is this: of all the people in this life likely to refer to a casual encounter as “making wise choices”, my mom would rank somewhere between Mother Teresa and Jesus Christ. I mean, this is like “The Voice of Reason”’s mom asking me for a cold one. It will NEVER happen. Not in a thousand lifetimes. And yet … she said it. “Just make wise choices”. The most religious person I will ever meet, signing off on doing whatever you want. Hang on, I need a cold one to continue, I am in a state of shock and awe here …)
* Where was I? Oh yeah, it’s 2:53pm, and the float is done. We’ve gone at least 6 miles in less than 5 hours. I’m thinking of two three letter words here that can be combined into one six letter word. One of those is “RIP”. The other is “OFF”.
I was irate. And I wasn’t the only one. How the hell does a floater only last 5 hours? This, in the words of the great Tony Bruno, is an “outrage”!
* So, we get bussed back to camp, head back up to the cabin, and move the table and chairs out into the sun, under the tried and true theory that “if we ain’t on the river getting a tan, at least let us get one in the front lawn”. This lasts about 20 minutes, until Katie and I realize at pretty much the same time “we’re done with beer today”. We head inside, ask DJ for the keys to the Nitro, and we’re off for the busting metropolis of Lebanon, to find a liquor store.
* Katie as we approach town: “if you see a liquor store, holler”. Not even two seconds later, we see a gigantic five foot tall sign that says “LIQUOR” on the left side of the road. Whew.
We get some champagne for Kellie, some margaritas for me, some rum and Diet Coke for Katie, and, as the late, great Burgess Meredith would note in “Grumpier Old Men”, “picked up a pack of Camel’s!” for DJ. We did not get the low-fat bacon, however. (rimshot!)
* Stop at a convenience store on the way back because we forgot to get ice. I also grabbed some firewood for later that night, assuming, you know, any of us were upright and ambulatory enough to light a fire once the sun went down.
* The running gag on the way back was “what do we do if neither of them is outside?” I honestly was kinda hoping DJ would hang a sock on the door or something, like the good old days in college. We make it back, pull into the front lawn, and sure as sh*t, nobody is outside. Katie’s like “well, what do we do now?”, wanting to be courteous and not disturb the freshly married couple. Me? Come on. He tossed my ass in the river twice. The least I can do is try to blue ball him.
So I grab the two bags of ice, walk up to the front porch, and chuck the things down with a loud “THUD!” sound. Would have woken someone up 20 campsites away, to say nothing of stopping any “wise choices” going on.
Of course, it was me trying to pull a punk ass move. Yup, nothing was going on. They both opened the door not even two seconds after I chucked the bags down, asking “what took you two so long”.
* The next seven some odd hours were spent sitting around outside, enjoying good times, good company, good booze, good food, and … uuh, good stuff. And oh yeah, enduring “The Steve”, which apparently is me pathetically attempting to dance to anything other than “Bye Bye Bye” or “Party in the USA”.
* At some point, the fun times wound down. We got Tom and Vince to take a “close the joint down” picture of us that didn’t really come in all that clearly, so I'll post the going away pic they took the next morning instead:
(steve rule number three: the family that drinks together, stays together! photo: our neighbor vince, via my snagg camera.)
* Go figure, I’m wide awake at 7ish on Sunday morning. I walk outside so as to let everyone else sleep. I also grab a bottle of champagne out of the fridge. DJ eventually joins me on the front porch, before deciding to go back in and sleep a little bit more. Finally, about 10am, everyone is up and moving, and by 10:30, we’re on our way home.
* Not much happened on the drive back. We missed the Highway 7 exit at Warsaw, but even that worked out, as I was able to get some lunch at McDonalds out of the deal.
* Make it back to KC about 1pm. Pretty solid driving to make it back that fast. Then again, I’d expect nothing less from “The Kid”.
* The rest of my Sunday was spent poolside at Joyce and Jerry’s, before finally heading home to crash. I did manage to get off a “always a good time, we should do this more often” text message to DJ before passing out … only to remember about 20 minutes later that he’d misplaced his phone, and said text was a total waste of bandwidth. So, I retyped it here. We need to do this more often, champ.
* Which I guess at the end of the day, makes this a successful roadie. The float itself sucked ass. Everything else, was pretty damned fun. I’d absolutely go back to Riverfront Camp and Canoe. I’d definitely go back with “The Kid” and “Boasheao” and “The Ex”*.
And I definitely would do it anytime they asked …
(*: I intend to have a post on nicknames on this site by Friday. I started it at work today. It’s going to be pretty sweet. Both people and events. Although there’s still a few regular readers and good friends I need a nickname for. Maybe I’ll wait until Monday to post, and see if Boozeapalooza Tres comes up with some solid suggestions for the stragglers …)
Spends his time alone in the basement.
With Lennon and Cobain and
A guitar and a stereo.
Well he wishes he could escape this,
But it all seems so contagious.
Not to be yourself and faceless,
In a song that has no soul.
I remember feeling low,
And I remember losing hope,
And I remember all the feelings and
The day they stopped.
We are.
We are all innocent.
We are all innocent.
We are. We are.
We are.
We are all innocent.
We are all innocent.
We are. We are …”
-- “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace, my favorite song of all time. You cannot even imagine how shocked I was, given how few people have ever heard this song, when it popped up on the iPod on the way down, and DJ was singing along to every freaking word. I gotta give him this: “The Kid” NEVER fails to impress me …
---------------------------------
Floatapalooza Dos. Hmmm. This might be the most conflicted post of the summer.
On the one hand, it was a great time had by all. Anytime "The Family" can get away for a weekend, it's gonna be a good time. On the other hand, that was without question the single worst float I've ever been on in my life, a complete waste of time, money, and yet another pair of expensive sunglasses*. So, I guess I'll just zig-zag between the positive and negative as it went down, and figure it all out at the end.
(*: I have one more floater this summer, over Labor Day weekend. You can bet your ass I'm buying my pair of shades for that thing at the dollar store. Prescription sunglasses lost on Uno, my Oakleys lost on Dos. I feel "El Cheapo" brand shades going under in three weeks.)
So, here we go.
* Departed about 5:15pm on Friday. "Boys in front, girls in the rear". The Nitro was loaded -- two coolers, blankets and pillows for four people, an air mattress, but unlike most floaters, no tents. Why, you ask? Because in the first nominee for Miller Lite Good Call of the Weekend, DJ had reserved us a cabin. Considering it rained all day Friday, this was a pretty smart decision. And yes, it scares the p*ss out of me that I'm five paragraphs in, and the words "good decision" have been used to describe a Dusty idea. Told you this was one f*cking crazy weekend.
* Get onto the freeway, and immediately hit the Friday slowdown heading east. No shocker to those of us who drive it every day. Dusty decides he'll find us another way to get to 71, to avoid traffic in the Triangle. About 68 wrong turns later, we somehow wind up in Peculiar and manage to link in with the freeway again. There's an hour of my life I won't be getting back.
* About 30 minutes later, I get my first look at Clinton, Missouri, and the beautiful Golden Valley medical complex.
* Somehow, the only person who realizes highway 7 turns left when it does, is Dusty. I'd hate to see where we'd have wound up had we gone straight.
* The drive down on 7 takes you through the bustling metropolis of Tightwad, Missouri. Yes, this inspired about 20 minutes of stupid "tightwad" jokes that are funny at the time, and when you sit down to recap them five days later, you think "Jesus, that's not even remotely funny". Kinda like naming every bird you can think of driving through the Wildcats*.
(*: three true stories from bowling league last night, which thankfully was the last week of this awful summer league. First, I bowled a 200. Yes, me, the worst male bowler in any league I am in, bowled a 200. Not only did I bowl a 200, I reeled off six straight strikes to close out my game. And finally, the lady we were bowling, was wearing a "The Bird is the Word" t-shirt. You're damned right that inspired line after line from the best episode of "Family Guy" ever, the "I Dream of Jesus" episode.)
* We reach Warsaw around 7pm. We had decided to stop for food and booze in Warsaw because we figured everyone else headed down would be stopping in Clinton (a correct assumption, by the way. Christ, that's three rock solid Dusty decisions, and we aren't even two complete pages into this thing. The world truly is going ape sh*t crazy.) Of course, in order to stop in Warsaw, we had to find a place to stop. We turn south onto 65 looking for a grocery store, and I spot the Country Mart right after we pass the exit. After turning around and doubling back, it's time to hit the Country Mart!
* More specifically, it's time for me to hit the bathroom. I had to pee like a racehorse. After wandering the store for 10 minutes, not a bathroom in sight. Finally I flag down a stock boy, who notes "oh, well really, it's not for public use, but it's back in the stock area ..." I just ignore him and sprint for the stock room door. Worst case, I'm getting kicked out of a Country Mart in Warsaw for peeing in a toilet. That would be a story to tell the grandkids.
* We load up on sausages to grill, on sausage biscuits for breakfast, frozen pizzas for snacks, and beer. Lots of beer. As in three cases of Miller Lite and one case of Budweiser. I get the "really, Budweiser?" stares from everyone. Yes, really. Budweiser. I'm not a Miller Lite fan. That, and I couldn't find a decent bottle of vodka to throw in the cart.
* Although, proof you really were in a special part of the country: they actually had a full on display case, next to the frozen meat section (aka "we suggest you buy this to go with dinner" location), they had a display case full ... of Boone's Farm. As the great Joey Lawrence would note, "WHOA!" I've never seen so many varieties of Boone's Farm available in one location.
* Conservative craziness: I booed the "Listen to Glenn Beck!" billboard, and I just shook my head in rage at the absolutely treasonous billboards on 65 denouncing President Obama. You may not like him personally, you may oppose his agenda, but for f*ck's sake, don't call him the antichrist, like this piece of crap billboard did. I'm pretty sure that when (ok, if) there is this "antichrist" unleashed upon the unsuspecting masses, that Satan will recruit someone far more competent and universally liked than Barack Obama. Come on.
* Random DJ question of the drive down: "why is there a gas station on each corner?" as we hit a random country intersection. The answer to the obvious random question is "yes". Also, I like the word "random".
* Also, if you had five in the "how many drinks in will Stevo be when they arrive at the campsite", congratulations, you'd have pushed.
* Funniest sight as we arrived at the campsite: when you got to the store / check-in office, there were about six college kids standing there, drinking beer, shirtless, hitting on any chick that walked by. Or me fifteen years ago. And like me fifteen years ago, they all struck out. But at least they had a nice buzz going.
* This was the first float I'd ever been on where you didn't get a wristband at check-in. I gotta admit, I was a little disappointed. I always wear the "man whore" bracelet on floaters, and I never fail to love seeing people's responses when they have to put a wristband on next to it. (Oh, and like three paragraphs ago, the answer to the obvious question is "yes".)
* We did get one thing to attach to the body: a bracelet thingy that worked as bug repellant. I mention this for two reasons. First, because the damned thing actually worked. Second, because it would figure prominently into the funniest sequence from Saturday. The thingy looked like one of those keychain ropes you get at the casino to attach your players card to, except bracelet-shaped instead of a long string. Uum, not that I would know what a casino player's card chain would look like.
* We drive up to the cabin, and when they described it as "cozy", well, they definitely nailed that description. But, there was plenty of room for four people. When you walked into the place, you had a fold down futon leather couch on the right, and a twin bed on the left, with the kitchen and bathroom ahead of you. I actually was impressed. I had visions of a roach-invaded shack; instead, this was actually pretty sweet.
We unload the Nitro, put the beer and food in the fridge and freezer, drag the laptop and the iPod over by the window, and go sit on the porch, where we'd spend the next 3 some odd hours enjoying the beer, the fresh country air, and anything else that happened to be enjoyed.
* We also met our camping neighbors to the right of us for the weekend, Tom and Vince. Really nice couple. Easy to get along with. They also had a 13 year old dog that was fun to have around. I cannot for the life of me remember the dog's name though. I keep wanting to call it Shelby, but I know that's wrong. But it's something close to Shelby? (rage against the machine voice) f*ck it, cut the cord! Before I go insane from trying to think of a random dog's name.
I do remember though, that the first time I saw said dog, I thought I was really drunk, high, or both, because I had to take a step back. One eye was dark, the other was completely white. I was like "whoa, I am really tanked!" Turns out ... the dog really did have two completely different colored eyes.
* One of the selling points DJ used to justify paying for a cabin was "it'll have air conditioning". Uum, yes. Yes it did. To say it was freaking freezing in that cabin is a grouse understatement. I got maybe two hours of sleep Friday night. I literally was sleeping with my legs crossed Indian style, my whole body tucked inside my blanket like a newborn baby, trying to stay warm, and I was failing miserably.
Finally about 7am, I was like "screw it, I'm up", and decided to head off in search of an ATM machine and some batteries for the iPod speakers. And son of a b*tch, the store wasn't open yet. So I start walking back up the hill, and for some reason, Dusty's driving the Nitro towards me. Turns out he had the same idea, only he was smart enough to get in the car first. So, I hop in, and we head a couple miles down the road to another campsite where the store is open that early.
* About 9:30, everyone is finally up and moving, and we head down to the dock to get a raft. (julie chen voice) But First! We needed ice for the coolers. I offer to go get some, walk into the store ... and there's a group of 26 checking in ahead of me. Go figure, they were all paying separately. Twenty minutes later, Kellie comes in in a "what the f*ck is taking this moron so long to get a bag of ice?" mood, right as I reach the counter. Anyways, we get the ice, head down to the dock, and it's floating time!
* And with that last sentence ... things go downhill in a hurry. For starters, the current was so strong that taking your sweet time (aka "maximize the day") was impossible. Also, all the rain that had dumped over the last few days left the river freezing cold.
How did I know it was “freezing cold”? Because not even twenty f*cking minutes into the float, the biggest ass on the river feels the need to knock me in. And no, I did not censor “ass”, because that’s what he is when he gets on a raft: a mother f*cking ass. Somehow I manage to get back on board after drifting along for a while. I’m shocked I still had feeling in my lower extremities, it was that cold in there.
* We reach what we were told was the halfway point, the NRO beach-out point, in barely two hours. In two hours on the Elk River a couple weeks ago, we could still see where we’d gotten into the river, we were going so slow. Now? We’ve gone at least 3 miles in record time. This is not good for those of us who were planning to enjoy the day.
* Then again, how could I enjoy the day when the "biggest mother f*cking ass on the river" kept knocking me into said river. Oh yeah, he struck again, right after the halfway point. Three other people on the raft found it hysterical. Needless to say, I was not one of those three people.
* At least the iPod worked well most of the way. It overheated a little bit near the midpoint, but other than that, it was (linda richman voice) like buddah. Like a big stick a buddah.
* Unfortunately, one side effect of the iPod working perfectly … meant that eventually, the one song I can effectively dance to came on. And no, I don’t mean “Party in the USA”, although I think I do a damned good dance to the chorus, thank you very much.
Nope, I’m talking about the song I consider to be one of the five biggest songs of the 2000s. Oh yeah. It ain’t no lie. “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC.
So, as the song starts up, go figure, we reach one of the deepest points of the river. As always, I stand to start my dancing (11 years later, and I still have the whole god d*mned chorus down to a T!), and the biggest ass on the river … shockingly, does nothing. Instead, his designated co-hort Katie tosses me in just as I finish the chomping motion on the last “bye”.
This one got laughs from every raft, canoe, and floating person around us, as well it should have. It was perfectly timed, perfectly done.
I finally manage to get back in, and then someone yells “hey, you left your bug band in the river!” You know, those yellow bracelet thingies DJ had bought on Friday. Mine had slid off while I was attempting to hang on to the raft. I look at Katie, and she has a “you’re going back in” look in her eyes, and I have a “god d*mn it, I can’t stop this” look in mine. Yup, right back in.
And yeah, you’re damned right I saved that bug wrist band thingy.
* By this point, I was exhausted. I’d been frozen in the water four times now. I was a solid eight, nine beers in. I was gone-zo. I crawl into the middle of the raft, prop myself up against the cooler, make sure I’m submerged into said raft so that I cannot be easily tipped back in … and pass out.
And what seemed like 45 seconds later, I hear DJ screaming “Stevo! Wake up! We’re done!” I’m like “huh?”, in a haze of intoxication and … we’ll just go with intoxicated, in case my mom reads this, “intoxicated”. She’ll be ok with that*. God knows she’s used to it.
(*: before Floatapalooza Uno, my mom called me up, and after shooting the sh*t for a few minutes, gets into what she wanted to say:
(stevo’s mom) so who all’s going on this trip with you?
(stevo) Katie and Cassie.
(stevo’s mom) so you’re going with two girls?
(stevo) yup. Betcha didn’t think I could ever pull that off, did you?
(stevo’s mom) (ignores the one liner)
(stevo’s mom) well, now, just promise me you’ll make wise choices.
(stevo) oh don’t worry, I don’t plan on sleeping with either of them.
(stevo’s mom) well, please, just promise me you’ll make wise choices.
(stevo) (worn out from this conversation) yes mom, I promise. I will make wise choices.
(stevo’s mom) good. Because I don’t have the energy to watch a fourth grandkid every week. Especially if it’s yours.
(stevo) what does that mean?
(stevo’s mom) (pauses) uuh, nothing. Just make wise choices.
The point of recapping that call? Other than the fact that I love that my mom refers to safe sex as “making wise choices”**? It’s this: I think it’s great that after 34 years, 8 months, and 14 some odd days of drawing breath on this planet, we’ve finally reached a point in our relationship where she doesn’t give a f*ck what I do, just so long as I don’t make her have to clean up the mess. Holy crap, have I reached … (gulp) … adulthood? Responsibleville? Nah, no way. I refuse. At least until I’m 42.)
(**: yup, a subnote to the subnote! In the words of Dave Armstrong, “WOW!” And the subnote’s subnote is this: of all the people in this life likely to refer to a casual encounter as “making wise choices”, my mom would rank somewhere between Mother Teresa and Jesus Christ. I mean, this is like “The Voice of Reason”’s mom asking me for a cold one. It will NEVER happen. Not in a thousand lifetimes. And yet … she said it. “Just make wise choices”. The most religious person I will ever meet, signing off on doing whatever you want. Hang on, I need a cold one to continue, I am in a state of shock and awe here …)
* Where was I? Oh yeah, it’s 2:53pm, and the float is done. We’ve gone at least 6 miles in less than 5 hours. I’m thinking of two three letter words here that can be combined into one six letter word. One of those is “RIP”. The other is “OFF”.
I was irate. And I wasn’t the only one. How the hell does a floater only last 5 hours? This, in the words of the great Tony Bruno, is an “outrage”!
* So, we get bussed back to camp, head back up to the cabin, and move the table and chairs out into the sun, under the tried and true theory that “if we ain’t on the river getting a tan, at least let us get one in the front lawn”. This lasts about 20 minutes, until Katie and I realize at pretty much the same time “we’re done with beer today”. We head inside, ask DJ for the keys to the Nitro, and we’re off for the busting metropolis of Lebanon, to find a liquor store.
* Katie as we approach town: “if you see a liquor store, holler”. Not even two seconds later, we see a gigantic five foot tall sign that says “LIQUOR” on the left side of the road. Whew.
We get some champagne for Kellie, some margaritas for me, some rum and Diet Coke for Katie, and, as the late, great Burgess Meredith would note in “Grumpier Old Men”, “picked up a pack of Camel’s!” for DJ. We did not get the low-fat bacon, however. (rimshot!)
* Stop at a convenience store on the way back because we forgot to get ice. I also grabbed some firewood for later that night, assuming, you know, any of us were upright and ambulatory enough to light a fire once the sun went down.
* The running gag on the way back was “what do we do if neither of them is outside?” I honestly was kinda hoping DJ would hang a sock on the door or something, like the good old days in college. We make it back, pull into the front lawn, and sure as sh*t, nobody is outside. Katie’s like “well, what do we do now?”, wanting to be courteous and not disturb the freshly married couple. Me? Come on. He tossed my ass in the river twice. The least I can do is try to blue ball him.
So I grab the two bags of ice, walk up to the front porch, and chuck the things down with a loud “THUD!” sound. Would have woken someone up 20 campsites away, to say nothing of stopping any “wise choices” going on.
Of course, it was me trying to pull a punk ass move. Yup, nothing was going on. They both opened the door not even two seconds after I chucked the bags down, asking “what took you two so long”.
* The next seven some odd hours were spent sitting around outside, enjoying good times, good company, good booze, good food, and … uuh, good stuff. And oh yeah, enduring “The Steve”, which apparently is me pathetically attempting to dance to anything other than “Bye Bye Bye” or “Party in the USA”.
* At some point, the fun times wound down. We got Tom and Vince to take a “close the joint down” picture of us that didn’t really come in all that clearly, so I'll post the going away pic they took the next morning instead:
(steve rule number three: the family that drinks together, stays together! photo: our neighbor vince, via my snagg camera.)
* Go figure, I’m wide awake at 7ish on Sunday morning. I walk outside so as to let everyone else sleep. I also grab a bottle of champagne out of the fridge. DJ eventually joins me on the front porch, before deciding to go back in and sleep a little bit more. Finally, about 10am, everyone is up and moving, and by 10:30, we’re on our way home.
* Not much happened on the drive back. We missed the Highway 7 exit at Warsaw, but even that worked out, as I was able to get some lunch at McDonalds out of the deal.
* Make it back to KC about 1pm. Pretty solid driving to make it back that fast. Then again, I’d expect nothing less from “The Kid”.
* The rest of my Sunday was spent poolside at Joyce and Jerry’s, before finally heading home to crash. I did manage to get off a “always a good time, we should do this more often” text message to DJ before passing out … only to remember about 20 minutes later that he’d misplaced his phone, and said text was a total waste of bandwidth. So, I retyped it here. We need to do this more often, champ.
* Which I guess at the end of the day, makes this a successful roadie. The float itself sucked ass. Everything else, was pretty damned fun. I’d absolutely go back to Riverfront Camp and Canoe. I’d definitely go back with “The Kid” and “Boasheao” and “The Ex”*.
And I definitely would do it anytime they asked …
(*: I intend to have a post on nicknames on this site by Friday. I started it at work today. It’s going to be pretty sweet. Both people and events. Although there’s still a few regular readers and good friends I need a nickname for. Maybe I’ll wait until Monday to post, and see if Boozeapalooza Tres comes up with some solid suggestions for the stragglers …)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
a long overdue post
I was looking back through this site last night, and realized, I failed to post my favorite List Column of the year last summer.
So, with apologies for that horrendous oversight, here is my (almost always) annual Stevo NFL Coaches Power Poll!
A few reminders to begin with:
1. 32 is Rich Kotite / Ray Rhodes awful.
2. 1 is Chuck Noll awesome.
3. I tend to be very hard on first year coaches, because they haven't proven themselves yet.
4. I tend to be extremely hard on bad veteran head coaches, because they have proven themselves to be, you know, wretched. Awful. Insert negative term here.
Having said that, here we go!
32. Mike Munchak, Tennessee Titans. I know I've done a lot of dumb things in my life ... but I have never done anything as stupid as firing Jeff Fisher and replacing him with a mediocre offensive line coach. Munchak probably will look decent this fall, because the Titans have some talent. But ask Barry Switzer -- if you're in over your head, eventually all the talent in the world can't save you from yourself.
31. Pat Shurmur, Cleveland Browns. Pathetically, he's probably an upgrade over Eric Mangini. I guess when you start at rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. Still, this is a head-scratching hire. To Pat's credit, he comes from a brilliant football family -- his dad Fritz was one of, if not the, best defensive coordinator in the sport in the 1990s. But man, this hire makes no sense at all.
30. Gary Kubiak, Houston Texans. Far be it for me to root for someone's unemployment*, but how in the hell does Gary Kubiak still have his job? Five years into his tenure, and the best mark he's produced is 9-7. I'm guessing it's playoffs or bust for Gary this fall. I'd bet the family farm on "bust".
(*: unless your name rhymes with "Win Bark". In that case, I root for you to wind up shivering half-naked in a cardboard box under a freeway, so pathetic looking that not even the city mission will take your deadbeat ass in for the night.)
29. Norv Turner, San Diego "Super" Chargers. Ah, Norv. Thank God you're still coaching in the division. As long as Norv Turner is at the helm, the Chargers have no shot of winning the Super Bowl. By all accounts, Norv is one helluva great guy, and I think he's one of the brightest offensive minds the sport has ever seen. But he's at best a mediocre head coach who will be known twenty years from now as the guy who wasted Philip Rivers in his prime.
28. Hue Jackson, oakland raiders. Of all the bone-headed decisions made this offseason, was any dumber than ditching Tom Cable for hue jackson? I'm not saying Cable was a great head coach -- he wasn't. But he was the best coach oakland has had since Chucky roamed the sidelines to open the 2000s. He was the first raiders coach to not lose 10 plus games every season since "Sur" William Callahan was coaching the team. This move is going to be a disaster for the raiders. Couldn't happen to a more deserving team.
27. Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts. The Barry Switzer of this generation. Only unlike Barry, he ain't winning a Lombardi before being exposed as a fraud.
26. Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers. I actually liked this hire. The Panthers are so awful though, that Rivera probably won't be given enough time to fix the stink. Which sucks for Ron -- he's a damned good coach who deserves a shot to succeed.
25. Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins. Should have been fired after last season. God knows owner Stephen Ross did everything but fire him, before deciding to bring him back (I'm assuming) under the "Wayne Fontes Memorial Job Clause". In the words of Lions owner William Clay Ford on Fontes' job status back in the day: "Well, I didn't fire him, and he didn't quit, so I guess he'll be back". Damn I miss Wayne. Rasputin!
24. Leslie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings. I think Frazier's gonna be a damned good coach. He just hasn't proven it yet, hence the bottom 25 percentile ranking.
23. Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys. The boy wonder finally gets his big chance, after four years of waiting for it. I think Garrett's going to be a good one. But then again, I'm that guy who, the day Gunther Cunningham was hired as Chiefs head coach, I had to pull the car over to the side of the freeway because I couldn't see through the tears of joy running down my face, so what do I know when it comes to "good head coaches"*.
(*: yes, this actually happened. I was working for Rubbermaid back then, and had just left the metropolis of Lyons, Kansas, on my way to only God knows where, when the radio station I was listening to broke in to carry Gun's introductory press conference. I literally had to pull off the highway, I was crying so much. Gunther getting that job was a win for every person who's believes that hard work pays off in the end. Unfortunately, in Gun's case, he just wasn't cut out to be a head coach.)
22. Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals. Another guy who's probably been on the job a year too long. For all the talk about how good of a coach this guy is ... uuh, really? He's been on the job since 2003. In 8 years, he's produced two playoff berths, and zero playoff wins. I know it's the Bengals, but for crying out loud, even Herm managed to make the playoffs four of his eight years as a head coach. And he won two playoff games to boot, one of them on the road.
21. Jim Schwartz, Detroit Lions. Week six is gonna be so much fun. Bears at Lions, Monday Night Football. Again, if my name was "Matt Millen", and I worked for the ESPN MNF pregame show, and they broadcast live from Ford Field, I'd definitely make sure all my priorities were in order before departing for Detroit. We haven't seen a legitimate riot at an American sporting event since Disco Sucks night at old Comiskey in the late 1970s. Decent shot we get one come week six.
20. Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars. Too bad the lockout didn't last a while longer -- would have been fun to watch "Of The River" on the management side of the fight, instead of beating up management types. (The scene in "The Replacements", where Martel and his buddies destroy Shane Falco's pickup truck? That is a re-enactment of a real-life encounter at Arrowhead during the 1987 strike, when Del Rio beat up Chiefs Hall of Famer Otis Taylor, thinking he was a replacement player, and Bill Maas, shotgun in hand, overturned a replacement player's truck. The good old days!)
19. Raheem Morris, Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I can't believe he's ranked this high either.
18. Pete Carroll, Seattle Seahawks. Most people remember Carroll as either (a) the clueless moron who presided over the biggest bunch of cheats in modern NCAA history (aka USC Trojans head coach), or (b) the clueless idiot who ran a Super Bowl team (Patriots) into the ground almost overnight. What most folks forget, is that Carroll's first head coaching job ... was in the Real Meadowlands, coaching the Jets. He lasted one season (1994), taking over a playoff team and finishing 6-10. And yes, the infamous Dan Marino fake-spike game? You know, the play that only one team in pro football would fall for, and go figure, that team is the Jets? Oh yeah, that was during Carroll's year at the helm. Of course, compared to the mentally challenged individual who replaced him in the swamps of North Jersey, Pete Carroll looks like a MENSA member. Still, its a testament to how many awful, awful coaches there are in this league, that Pete is squarely in the middle of the pack.
17. Jim Harbaugh, San Francisco 49ers. The best move of the offseason so far. I will be stunned if the 49ers don't win the NFC West this fall. My God did KU f*ck the proverbial pooch when we opted for Coach Cornf*cker over Coach Harbaugh a year ago.
16. Steve Spagnuola, St. Louis Rams. Looks to be an inspired hire so far. Given that Sam Bradford only figures to get better, and the Rams upgraded big time at the offensive coordinator position*, the compass is pointed north in Missouri's Second City.
(*: as much as I hated Josh McDaniels as denver's head coach, dammit did I want him as our offensive coordinator. I would have loved to have seen him reunited with Matt Cassel. Oh well. Bill Muir was a pretty solid fallback option.)
15. Tom Coughlin, New York "Football" Giants. In the interest of full disclosure, I hate Tom Coughlin. I've hated him ever since 1993, when his Boston College team failed to spring the upset West Virginia, but kept the game so close that voters reconsidered the Mountaineers. Which meant Nebraska had to face Florida State for the national title, instead of a cakewalk over a smoke-and-mirrors Mountaineers squad. (Nebraska lost 18-16 on a late Scott Bentley field goal ... and when Darin Erstad missed wide right as time expired from 48 yards out. There is still a hole in the drywall of my folks' basement from where I, uuh, "dealt" with that missed kick.) Coughlin's a solid head coach who usually has his squad in contention for the postseason. I just hate him, that's all.
14. Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears. Any man who can coach a Rex Grossman quarterbacked team to a Super Bowl, and can coach a Jay Cutler quarterbacked team to a NFC Title Game, and then almost win that game with Caleb Haney under center (who?) for the entire second half, probably knows what he's doing.
13. Ken Whizenhunt, Arizona "Super" Cardinals. Now we find out if this guy can coach. Most anyone can look decent with Kurt Warner under center. Most anyone can look utterly inept with Derek Anderson under center. Kevin Kolb? The middle-of-the-road QB that good coaches find a way to look better than they actually are. (Like coach 9 coming up, and man, I never dreamed the dude at slot number 9 would EVER get this high in my rankings.)
12. Chan Gailey, Buffalo Bills. What can I say, I love the guy. The guy can flat out coach. He took the dying remnants of the Cowboys dynasty and somehow bled two playoff berths and a division championship out of them (in two years). He took over an (at best) also-ran program at Georgia Tech, and promptly made seven consecutive bowl games. He made Tyler Thigpen look like a Pro Bowl quarterback for Christ's sake, and he DID make Kordell Stewart a Pro Bowler! And look what he did with Ryan Fitzpatrick last year! Ask any Chiefs fan what game scared you sh*tless the most last year, and I guarantee you, if they're being honest, the answer is "Buffalo". I am dreading the home opener. Buffalo is going to beat at least two teams it has no business beating this season.
11. Mike Smith, Atlanta Falcons. I actually had to do a Google search on this guy's first name. I knew his last name with Smith, but I had no idea what the hell his whole name was. Still, three seasons at the helm, two playoff berths, three winning records. Next step? Win a playoff game. Trust me, as a Chiefs fan, at some point, just getting there isn't good enough. (Fun factoid of the day time! Name the NFL team that holds the record for most consecutive playoff defeats. Answer coming up shortly.)
10. Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers. Ranking my top 10 is really tough. Just like there's a solid 10-12 putrid coaches in this league, there's at least 10-12 coaches that probably deserve to be ranked in the top three. McCarthy should be familiar to Chiefs fans -- he was our quarterbacks coach under Marty and Gunther. Anyone that can make Elvis Grbac look like a Pro Bowler, knows what he's doing.
9. Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs. I never dreamed the man I affectionately dubbed "Coach Asshat" would ever be ranked in the top 10 of my coaches poll. That ought to tell you a couple things. (1) I have the power to forgive (reread my denver 2009 recap for how I felt about him after that debacle). (2) I overreact emotionally to every Chiefs win and loss. And (3) the answer to your Fun Factoid quiz? You betcha. The Kansas City Chiefs, who have now lost seven consecutive playoff games, dating back to the 1993 AFC Title Game in Buffalo to start the streak. (The other losses: at Miami 94, vs Indy 95, vs denver 97, vs Indy 03, at Indy 06, vs Bal 10).
8. john fox, denver broncos. Oh john, how could you? How could you take patrick j. bowlen's money and agree to coach that piece of sh*t roster for the next few years? (jenni voice) WHY? WHY? I like you john. I mean, I really like you. How could you sell out like that? What possibly possessed your mind for ten seconds to agree to coach those spawns of Satan? Those worthless bastards? How could you? (Translation: the donkeys will be back in contention far, far sooner than anyone thinks. This guy can flat out coach.)
7. "Sexy" Rexy Ryan, New York (fireman ed voice) J! E! T! S! Jets Jets Jets!. This is not going to end well. It never does with a Ryan at the helm. But you can't deny how great the first two years have been. Two AFC Title Games, four road playoff wins (including in Foxboro and Indy). Just enjoy the ride while it lasts, because when it crashes, it's going to crash hard.
6. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens. Another coach that you just can't question the on-field results of. Three years, three playoff berths. Color me impressed. Also, his gameplan in the Wildcard Game last January was brilliant. You de-pants my team's head coach in our biggest game in five years, you earn my respect.
5. Mike "The Rat" Shanahan, Washington Redskins. I know a lot of people think last year should have diminished his coaching star, and it did -- he fell from top three to top five in my coaching rankings. The moment that sealed shanarat's place in the top five permanently? At least until he's as old, feeble, and senile as his former boss now is? "The Stand", week 13 2005. Chiefs lead 27-23, 2:08 to play. 4th and 2 denver at the donkeys 46. shanarat goes for it, calls a draw to mike anderson. The initial spot gave denver the first down. Thankfully, the man I've been calling for to return to the sidelines for five f*cking years and counting now, Mike White, was on the sidelines that afternoon, and immediately ordered Coach Vermeil to challenge the spot.
Vermeil does challenge. The spot was wrong. The Chiefs hold! "The Stand!" Arrowhead is going crazy. Only two people realize the other error the officiating crew made on that play. Me ... and mike shanahan, who immediately pulls referee Bill Leavy aside, and points out that if anderson didn't make the first down, then the clock stopped when the play was over, meaning there was 2:02 to play, not two minutes.
Now, you might say, "who the f*ck cares Stevo? It's two seconds!" Exactly. By getting those two seconds back, it ensured the Chiefs would have to punt with about :40 if they failed to get a first down. Had the clock run to the two minute warning and then been first down? Ballgame. (denver was out of timeouts). shanarat bought his team an extra possession (and chance to win) by keeping his head and composure in the heat of the moment. The next time a Chiefs head coach pulls off a manuever even half that smart, let me know, because it'll be the first.
4. "Fat" Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles. Spare me the "he's horrible with clock management" argument. Spare me the "he's never won a Super Bowl" garbage. The man can flat out coach. He took over the Eagles in 1999, after they went 3-12-1 in Ray Rhodes final season at the helm. Here's "Fat" Andy Reid's seasons since:
2000: 11-5, wild card. L division round at Giants.
2001: 11-5, NFC East champs. L championship game at Rams.
2002: 12-4, NFC East champs. L championship game vs Bucs.
2003: 12-4, NFC East champs. L championship game vs Panthers.
2004: 13-3, NFC East champs. L Super Bowl vs Patriots.
2005: 6-10, no postseason. (The "TO" season).
2006: 10-6, NFC East champs. L divisional round at Saints.
2007: 8-8, no postseason.
2008: 9-6-1, wild card. L championship game at Cardinals.
2009: 11-5, wild card. L wild card round at Cowboys.
2010: 10-6, NFC East champs. L wild card round vs Packers.
11 seasons, 10 .500 or better seasons, 9 playoff berths, 5 NFC Title Games, 1 Super Bowl appearance. Any Chiefs fan who wouldn't gladly sacrifice our last 11 seasons (5 .500 or better seasons, 3 playoff berths, 0 playoff wins) for that stretch of success, needs their head examined.
3. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots. You want proof this is a screwy league? Care to guess who currently is tied for most (current) consecutive postseason losses by an active head coach? Answer? "Fat" Andy Reid and Bill Belichick, with three. Belichick's last postseason win was the AFC Title Game in 2007. Since then the Pats have lost a Super Bowl, lost to Baltimore in the wildcard round, and lost to the Jets in the divisional round. When you realize that Wade Phillips, Brad Childress, and Pete Carroll all have won playoff games more recently than Bill Belichick has, that's a scary thought, to be honest. And it's why the man most people consider to be the League's finest, only rates 3rd in the Stevo Poll.
2. Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints. Five years at the helm, 5 .500 or better seasons, 3 playoff berths, 2 division titles, and a Super Bowl victory. That's a pretty damned good start to what is looking like a spectacular head coaching career. Honestly, the only reason he's not number one, is because he's never truly succeeded in New Orleans when he's faced major injuries. He's held the team together -- hence never finishing below .500 -- but he's never overcome them and still had unquestioned success. The only coach remaining, seems to do that on a yearly basis.
1. Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers. The Omar Epps look-alike. Four years at the helm, three division titles, two Super Bowl appearances, one Lombardi Trophy. And he does it no matter who's hurt, suspended, and/or otherwise unavailable. You know how some folks say that organizations win championships, that there's just some franchises that "get it" and others that never will "get it"? (OK, I say that.) The Steelers are the benchmark for an organization that "gets it". They've employed three head coaches since 1970 -- the man I consider to be the best coach in NFL history (Chuck Noll), a man who will be joining Chuck in the Hall of Fame someday (Bill Cowher), and now Mike Tomlin. As long as Mike Tomlin is calling the shots in the Steel City, the Steelers will be amongst the best in the League. That's why he's the 2011 Winner of the Stevo Coaches Power Poll, uuh, trophy? Award? Blog shout-out? Not sure what I'm giving away for winning this thing, but he's earned it, whatever it is.
So, with apologies for that horrendous oversight, here is my (almost always) annual Stevo NFL Coaches Power Poll!
A few reminders to begin with:
1. 32 is Rich Kotite / Ray Rhodes awful.
2. 1 is Chuck Noll awesome.
3. I tend to be very hard on first year coaches, because they haven't proven themselves yet.
4. I tend to be extremely hard on bad veteran head coaches, because they have proven themselves to be, you know, wretched. Awful. Insert negative term here.
Having said that, here we go!
32. Mike Munchak, Tennessee Titans. I know I've done a lot of dumb things in my life ... but I have never done anything as stupid as firing Jeff Fisher and replacing him with a mediocre offensive line coach. Munchak probably will look decent this fall, because the Titans have some talent. But ask Barry Switzer -- if you're in over your head, eventually all the talent in the world can't save you from yourself.
31. Pat Shurmur, Cleveland Browns. Pathetically, he's probably an upgrade over Eric Mangini. I guess when you start at rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. Still, this is a head-scratching hire. To Pat's credit, he comes from a brilliant football family -- his dad Fritz was one of, if not the, best defensive coordinator in the sport in the 1990s. But man, this hire makes no sense at all.
30. Gary Kubiak, Houston Texans. Far be it for me to root for someone's unemployment*, but how in the hell does Gary Kubiak still have his job? Five years into his tenure, and the best mark he's produced is 9-7. I'm guessing it's playoffs or bust for Gary this fall. I'd bet the family farm on "bust".
(*: unless your name rhymes with "Win Bark". In that case, I root for you to wind up shivering half-naked in a cardboard box under a freeway, so pathetic looking that not even the city mission will take your deadbeat ass in for the night.)
29. Norv Turner, San Diego "Super" Chargers. Ah, Norv. Thank God you're still coaching in the division. As long as Norv Turner is at the helm, the Chargers have no shot of winning the Super Bowl. By all accounts, Norv is one helluva great guy, and I think he's one of the brightest offensive minds the sport has ever seen. But he's at best a mediocre head coach who will be known twenty years from now as the guy who wasted Philip Rivers in his prime.
28. Hue Jackson, oakland raiders. Of all the bone-headed decisions made this offseason, was any dumber than ditching Tom Cable for hue jackson? I'm not saying Cable was a great head coach -- he wasn't. But he was the best coach oakland has had since Chucky roamed the sidelines to open the 2000s. He was the first raiders coach to not lose 10 plus games every season since "Sur" William Callahan was coaching the team. This move is going to be a disaster for the raiders. Couldn't happen to a more deserving team.
27. Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts. The Barry Switzer of this generation. Only unlike Barry, he ain't winning a Lombardi before being exposed as a fraud.
26. Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers. I actually liked this hire. The Panthers are so awful though, that Rivera probably won't be given enough time to fix the stink. Which sucks for Ron -- he's a damned good coach who deserves a shot to succeed.
25. Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins. Should have been fired after last season. God knows owner Stephen Ross did everything but fire him, before deciding to bring him back (I'm assuming) under the "Wayne Fontes Memorial Job Clause". In the words of Lions owner William Clay Ford on Fontes' job status back in the day: "Well, I didn't fire him, and he didn't quit, so I guess he'll be back". Damn I miss Wayne. Rasputin!
24. Leslie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings. I think Frazier's gonna be a damned good coach. He just hasn't proven it yet, hence the bottom 25 percentile ranking.
23. Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys. The boy wonder finally gets his big chance, after four years of waiting for it. I think Garrett's going to be a good one. But then again, I'm that guy who, the day Gunther Cunningham was hired as Chiefs head coach, I had to pull the car over to the side of the freeway because I couldn't see through the tears of joy running down my face, so what do I know when it comes to "good head coaches"*.
(*: yes, this actually happened. I was working for Rubbermaid back then, and had just left the metropolis of Lyons, Kansas, on my way to only God knows where, when the radio station I was listening to broke in to carry Gun's introductory press conference. I literally had to pull off the highway, I was crying so much. Gunther getting that job was a win for every person who's believes that hard work pays off in the end. Unfortunately, in Gun's case, he just wasn't cut out to be a head coach.)
22. Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals. Another guy who's probably been on the job a year too long. For all the talk about how good of a coach this guy is ... uuh, really? He's been on the job since 2003. In 8 years, he's produced two playoff berths, and zero playoff wins. I know it's the Bengals, but for crying out loud, even Herm managed to make the playoffs four of his eight years as a head coach. And he won two playoff games to boot, one of them on the road.
21. Jim Schwartz, Detroit Lions. Week six is gonna be so much fun. Bears at Lions, Monday Night Football. Again, if my name was "Matt Millen", and I worked for the ESPN MNF pregame show, and they broadcast live from Ford Field, I'd definitely make sure all my priorities were in order before departing for Detroit. We haven't seen a legitimate riot at an American sporting event since Disco Sucks night at old Comiskey in the late 1970s. Decent shot we get one come week six.
20. Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars. Too bad the lockout didn't last a while longer -- would have been fun to watch "Of The River" on the management side of the fight, instead of beating up management types. (The scene in "The Replacements", where Martel and his buddies destroy Shane Falco's pickup truck? That is a re-enactment of a real-life encounter at Arrowhead during the 1987 strike, when Del Rio beat up Chiefs Hall of Famer Otis Taylor, thinking he was a replacement player, and Bill Maas, shotgun in hand, overturned a replacement player's truck. The good old days!)
19. Raheem Morris, Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I can't believe he's ranked this high either.
18. Pete Carroll, Seattle Seahawks. Most people remember Carroll as either (a) the clueless moron who presided over the biggest bunch of cheats in modern NCAA history (aka USC Trojans head coach), or (b) the clueless idiot who ran a Super Bowl team (Patriots) into the ground almost overnight. What most folks forget, is that Carroll's first head coaching job ... was in the Real Meadowlands, coaching the Jets. He lasted one season (1994), taking over a playoff team and finishing 6-10. And yes, the infamous Dan Marino fake-spike game? You know, the play that only one team in pro football would fall for, and go figure, that team is the Jets? Oh yeah, that was during Carroll's year at the helm. Of course, compared to the mentally challenged individual who replaced him in the swamps of North Jersey, Pete Carroll looks like a MENSA member. Still, its a testament to how many awful, awful coaches there are in this league, that Pete is squarely in the middle of the pack.
17. Jim Harbaugh, San Francisco 49ers. The best move of the offseason so far. I will be stunned if the 49ers don't win the NFC West this fall. My God did KU f*ck the proverbial pooch when we opted for Coach Cornf*cker over Coach Harbaugh a year ago.
16. Steve Spagnuola, St. Louis Rams. Looks to be an inspired hire so far. Given that Sam Bradford only figures to get better, and the Rams upgraded big time at the offensive coordinator position*, the compass is pointed north in Missouri's Second City.
(*: as much as I hated Josh McDaniels as denver's head coach, dammit did I want him as our offensive coordinator. I would have loved to have seen him reunited with Matt Cassel. Oh well. Bill Muir was a pretty solid fallback option.)
15. Tom Coughlin, New York "Football" Giants. In the interest of full disclosure, I hate Tom Coughlin. I've hated him ever since 1993, when his Boston College team failed to spring the upset West Virginia, but kept the game so close that voters reconsidered the Mountaineers. Which meant Nebraska had to face Florida State for the national title, instead of a cakewalk over a smoke-and-mirrors Mountaineers squad. (Nebraska lost 18-16 on a late Scott Bentley field goal ... and when Darin Erstad missed wide right as time expired from 48 yards out. There is still a hole in the drywall of my folks' basement from where I, uuh, "dealt" with that missed kick.) Coughlin's a solid head coach who usually has his squad in contention for the postseason. I just hate him, that's all.
14. Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears. Any man who can coach a Rex Grossman quarterbacked team to a Super Bowl, and can coach a Jay Cutler quarterbacked team to a NFC Title Game, and then almost win that game with Caleb Haney under center (who?) for the entire second half, probably knows what he's doing.
13. Ken Whizenhunt, Arizona "Super" Cardinals. Now we find out if this guy can coach. Most anyone can look decent with Kurt Warner under center. Most anyone can look utterly inept with Derek Anderson under center. Kevin Kolb? The middle-of-the-road QB that good coaches find a way to look better than they actually are. (Like coach 9 coming up, and man, I never dreamed the dude at slot number 9 would EVER get this high in my rankings.)
12. Chan Gailey, Buffalo Bills. What can I say, I love the guy. The guy can flat out coach. He took the dying remnants of the Cowboys dynasty and somehow bled two playoff berths and a division championship out of them (in two years). He took over an (at best) also-ran program at Georgia Tech, and promptly made seven consecutive bowl games. He made Tyler Thigpen look like a Pro Bowl quarterback for Christ's sake, and he DID make Kordell Stewart a Pro Bowler! And look what he did with Ryan Fitzpatrick last year! Ask any Chiefs fan what game scared you sh*tless the most last year, and I guarantee you, if they're being honest, the answer is "Buffalo". I am dreading the home opener. Buffalo is going to beat at least two teams it has no business beating this season.
11. Mike Smith, Atlanta Falcons. I actually had to do a Google search on this guy's first name. I knew his last name with Smith, but I had no idea what the hell his whole name was. Still, three seasons at the helm, two playoff berths, three winning records. Next step? Win a playoff game. Trust me, as a Chiefs fan, at some point, just getting there isn't good enough. (Fun factoid of the day time! Name the NFL team that holds the record for most consecutive playoff defeats. Answer coming up shortly.)
10. Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers. Ranking my top 10 is really tough. Just like there's a solid 10-12 putrid coaches in this league, there's at least 10-12 coaches that probably deserve to be ranked in the top three. McCarthy should be familiar to Chiefs fans -- he was our quarterbacks coach under Marty and Gunther. Anyone that can make Elvis Grbac look like a Pro Bowler, knows what he's doing.
9. Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs. I never dreamed the man I affectionately dubbed "Coach Asshat" would ever be ranked in the top 10 of my coaches poll. That ought to tell you a couple things. (1) I have the power to forgive (reread my denver 2009 recap for how I felt about him after that debacle). (2) I overreact emotionally to every Chiefs win and loss. And (3) the answer to your Fun Factoid quiz? You betcha. The Kansas City Chiefs, who have now lost seven consecutive playoff games, dating back to the 1993 AFC Title Game in Buffalo to start the streak. (The other losses: at Miami 94, vs Indy 95, vs denver 97, vs Indy 03, at Indy 06, vs Bal 10).
8. john fox, denver broncos. Oh john, how could you? How could you take patrick j. bowlen's money and agree to coach that piece of sh*t roster for the next few years? (jenni voice) WHY? WHY? I like you john. I mean, I really like you. How could you sell out like that? What possibly possessed your mind for ten seconds to agree to coach those spawns of Satan? Those worthless bastards? How could you? (Translation: the donkeys will be back in contention far, far sooner than anyone thinks. This guy can flat out coach.)
7. "Sexy" Rexy Ryan, New York (fireman ed voice) J! E! T! S! Jets Jets Jets!. This is not going to end well. It never does with a Ryan at the helm. But you can't deny how great the first two years have been. Two AFC Title Games, four road playoff wins (including in Foxboro and Indy). Just enjoy the ride while it lasts, because when it crashes, it's going to crash hard.
6. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens. Another coach that you just can't question the on-field results of. Three years, three playoff berths. Color me impressed. Also, his gameplan in the Wildcard Game last January was brilliant. You de-pants my team's head coach in our biggest game in five years, you earn my respect.
5. Mike "The Rat" Shanahan, Washington Redskins. I know a lot of people think last year should have diminished his coaching star, and it did -- he fell from top three to top five in my coaching rankings. The moment that sealed shanarat's place in the top five permanently? At least until he's as old, feeble, and senile as his former boss now is? "The Stand", week 13 2005. Chiefs lead 27-23, 2:08 to play. 4th and 2 denver at the donkeys 46. shanarat goes for it, calls a draw to mike anderson. The initial spot gave denver the first down. Thankfully, the man I've been calling for to return to the sidelines for five f*cking years and counting now, Mike White, was on the sidelines that afternoon, and immediately ordered Coach Vermeil to challenge the spot.
Vermeil does challenge. The spot was wrong. The Chiefs hold! "The Stand!" Arrowhead is going crazy. Only two people realize the other error the officiating crew made on that play. Me ... and mike shanahan, who immediately pulls referee Bill Leavy aside, and points out that if anderson didn't make the first down, then the clock stopped when the play was over, meaning there was 2:02 to play, not two minutes.
Now, you might say, "who the f*ck cares Stevo? It's two seconds!" Exactly. By getting those two seconds back, it ensured the Chiefs would have to punt with about :40 if they failed to get a first down. Had the clock run to the two minute warning and then been first down? Ballgame. (denver was out of timeouts). shanarat bought his team an extra possession (and chance to win) by keeping his head and composure in the heat of the moment. The next time a Chiefs head coach pulls off a manuever even half that smart, let me know, because it'll be the first.
4. "Fat" Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles. Spare me the "he's horrible with clock management" argument. Spare me the "he's never won a Super Bowl" garbage. The man can flat out coach. He took over the Eagles in 1999, after they went 3-12-1 in Ray Rhodes final season at the helm. Here's "Fat" Andy Reid's seasons since:
2000: 11-5, wild card. L division round at Giants.
2001: 11-5, NFC East champs. L championship game at Rams.
2002: 12-4, NFC East champs. L championship game vs Bucs.
2003: 12-4, NFC East champs. L championship game vs Panthers.
2004: 13-3, NFC East champs. L Super Bowl vs Patriots.
2005: 6-10, no postseason. (The "TO" season).
2006: 10-6, NFC East champs. L divisional round at Saints.
2007: 8-8, no postseason.
2008: 9-6-1, wild card. L championship game at Cardinals.
2009: 11-5, wild card. L wild card round at Cowboys.
2010: 10-6, NFC East champs. L wild card round vs Packers.
11 seasons, 10 .500 or better seasons, 9 playoff berths, 5 NFC Title Games, 1 Super Bowl appearance. Any Chiefs fan who wouldn't gladly sacrifice our last 11 seasons (5 .500 or better seasons, 3 playoff berths, 0 playoff wins) for that stretch of success, needs their head examined.
3. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots. You want proof this is a screwy league? Care to guess who currently is tied for most (current) consecutive postseason losses by an active head coach? Answer? "Fat" Andy Reid and Bill Belichick, with three. Belichick's last postseason win was the AFC Title Game in 2007. Since then the Pats have lost a Super Bowl, lost to Baltimore in the wildcard round, and lost to the Jets in the divisional round. When you realize that Wade Phillips, Brad Childress, and Pete Carroll all have won playoff games more recently than Bill Belichick has, that's a scary thought, to be honest. And it's why the man most people consider to be the League's finest, only rates 3rd in the Stevo Poll.
2. Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints. Five years at the helm, 5 .500 or better seasons, 3 playoff berths, 2 division titles, and a Super Bowl victory. That's a pretty damned good start to what is looking like a spectacular head coaching career. Honestly, the only reason he's not number one, is because he's never truly succeeded in New Orleans when he's faced major injuries. He's held the team together -- hence never finishing below .500 -- but he's never overcome them and still had unquestioned success. The only coach remaining, seems to do that on a yearly basis.
1. Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers. The Omar Epps look-alike. Four years at the helm, three division titles, two Super Bowl appearances, one Lombardi Trophy. And he does it no matter who's hurt, suspended, and/or otherwise unavailable. You know how some folks say that organizations win championships, that there's just some franchises that "get it" and others that never will "get it"? (OK, I say that.) The Steelers are the benchmark for an organization that "gets it". They've employed three head coaches since 1970 -- the man I consider to be the best coach in NFL history (Chuck Noll), a man who will be joining Chuck in the Hall of Fame someday (Bill Cowher), and now Mike Tomlin. As long as Mike Tomlin is calling the shots in the Steel City, the Steelers will be amongst the best in the League. That's why he's the 2011 Winner of the Stevo Coaches Power Poll, uuh, trophy? Award? Blog shout-out? Not sure what I'm giving away for winning this thing, but he's earned it, whatever it is.
nebraskapalooza part 4
“What is happening here?
Something’s going on, and it’s not quite clear.
Somebody turn on the lights!
We’re gonna have a party, starting tonight!
Oh, what a feeling!
When we’re dancin’ on the ceiling!
Oh, what a feeling!
When we’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”
-- “Dancing on the Ceiling” by Lionel Richie. THE greatest song from the 1980s, that DJ can no longer deny he has ever heard. I saw that head bobbing and hand tapping the beat while this song was pulled up on the iPod champ. It’s ok. It’s a sweet f*cking song! (59-14 on the Jukebox in The Basement, for the next time you’re up on the pool table …)
-----------------------
As always, I forgot a few highlights from Day Three of “Nebraskapalooza”. Thankfully, unlike when I totally whiff on remembering things in a typical recap, I had notes this time. Four random things I meant to mention and totally forgot to in Part Three:
1. “You have really long arm hair!” We were out on Brock’s boat, prepping for some water skiing, and Kellie just randomly says that to me. That sparks a three minute long stare-down by everyone at my arm hair. Uuh girls? It’s arm hair! I mean Jesus, if I go three days without shaving I look like a lumberjack, why wouldn’t I have long arm hair?
2. From Day One: on the drive up, once we got the iPod going, well, I’d put some country on there, because for some reason, I’ve been on a country kick this summer. (First time since summer of 2007. I know, it makes no sense to me either.) Luke Bryan’s “Country Girl (Shake It For Me)” comes on, and we got the KJ Seal of Approval! “Ooh! I like this song!” Whew. I mean, if you can’t have “Country Girl” randomly pop up on a float trip, and not encourage said country girls to “shake it for me”, then it’s not gonna be a really fun floater.
3. At Joe’s for dinner on Saturday night, Dusty was doing with the empty coke cans what any sane, rational, normal person would do: he was building a pyramid. Kellie’s mom gave him the stare of death when he started stacking them up. Such a stare, that he immediately tore the pyramid down. Beth’s response? “I gave her permission to call him Dustin Reid, and to give him the look”. Glad to see my mom isn’t the only one who drops the full name when she’s pissed off.
4. In the lovely community of Gering, good luck finding a stop sign. Or a left turn signal. I mean, can you imagine how f*cked up traffic would be in south KC if all our four way stops … had zero stop signs? That’s Gering folks! Not a stop sign to be found! It was explained away as “well, the main route knows it has the right-a-way”. Which is lovely, but what about crazy ass Texas-style drivers like me, who think they always have the right-a-way? Confusing as hell.
Although as Dusty’s aunt noted, we drove through the intersection of U Street and First Avenue every day. The “U First” intersection. I'm guessing she won't be the next great comedic mind to come from the metro area ...
And now … the conclusion to “Nebraskapalooza”.
Sunday, August 7th:
* I woke up at 7am. Again. Christ, I swear, it could be -15 outside, not an ounce of light anywhere from a massive blizzard falling, and my space heater could be turning the winter bear cave a healthy shade of 90 degrees, coupled with me popping 4 Benadryl and a handle of Crown, and I’d STILL wake up at 7am. It’s ridiculous.
* Rather than infuriate the sleeping roomie, I quickly showered, packed up my bathroom stuff, grabbed the laptop, and headed down to the lobby. There was one other guy there sitting at the tables by the pool. He saw me approaching and says “the wife kicked you out too, huh?” I just rolled with it.
* DJ called about 8:30 to let us know he’d get us at 9. In the mother of all upsets, he was not only on time, he was 2 minutes early!
* We headed back over to the Boasheao’s for one final get-together before everyone set off on their various ways home. DJ’s mom and aunt were off to see Estes Park for the day. The four of us … were about to embark on a lovely 9-10 hour drive home through the finest flat country Nebraska and Kansas have to offer. Good times.
* On the way out of town, we stop by the farm so Kellie can say goodbye to her brother. Shockingly, Wade is awake. And enjoying his roommate’s Reece’s ice cream for breakfast. That brought back memories …
(steve) (opens freezer)
(steve) (angry) what the f*ck happened to my chunky monkey?
(steve) (walks into main room)
(steve) (sees empty ben and jerry’s carton)
(steve) god d*mmit dusty!
(dj) shut up stevo! I’m trying to sleep!
* In a rare “good call!” moment, DJ turned right headed out of the farm, instead of left (where we’d come in from). Good call, because we wound up running into Bill, so Kellie got to say goodbye to her dad one last time too. I was happy for that.
* I then spent the next hour attempting to sleep in the back seat. Now, if you know me well, you know that I can literally fall asleep anywhere, in any position. I slept the whole drive home from the float trip last summer with my head halfway down the seatbelt as a pillow. In high school, I got mocked because I literally slept on half a bus seat, curled into a ball. The first floater I went on with Heath a few years ago, I literally used a tree root as a pillow. I can sleep on anything and somehow get enough rest to awake ready to go.
I could not fall asleep in the Nitro. When we got to I-80, I just gave up, and decided to be social again.
* Which prompted one of the funnest road trip games imaginable: name those movies! Someone would throw out a well-known actor, we’d all list as many movies of his as we could, and then confirm on IMDB or Wikipedia that they starred in said movie (and note the ones we missed).
We rocked the joint on it … until we hit Denzel Washington. Somehow, we whiffed on Malcolm X, and even though the title track by Public Enemy was playing on the iPod AS WE WERE NAMING DENZEL MOVIES, we whiffed on “He Got Game”. I’m not sure who was more apoplectic over missing that one, me or Dusty. We both were beyond embarrassed.
* One “make fun of Stevo” moment I keep forgetting to mention: last month, I took a day off when my dad had to watch “My Special Little Guy” all day, to help him watch Ayden. (Dad’s health is not good; watching a three year old is not a good idea for him.) So we went to this dinosaur themed restaurant out at the Legends for lunch named T-Rex. I kept calling it “trex”. Not “T (pause) Rex”, but “trex”. Apparently this is a mispronunciation. Also apparently, everyone found this funny. I include it, because either I’m a f*cking idiot, or I’m a f*cking idiot. I’m leaning towards me being a f*cking idiot.
* On the drive from Gering to Lexington (where we stopped for gas and lunch), we passed a friggin spider monkey! I sh*t you not, a freaking spider monkey! That prompted the “hey, it’s Marcel!” jokes.
* Even more amazingly, on the drive south on US81, we passed a freaking fan boat, like what you’d see in the swamps of Florida or Louisiana! I’m telling you, we lived a lifetime on this road trip.
* We stop for gas, fill up, decide to hit up the KFC and Taco Bell for lunch … and let’s just say, this was about the shadiest, sh*ttiest, you insert the adjective here, KFC / Taco Bell combo ever. For starters, there were bugs of some kind everywhere around the entrance. Disgusting. Then, the “volcano tacos” that Dusty ordered, not only did NOT come in a red taco shell as advertised, they really didn’t come with the hot cheese sauce either. And to top it all off, the chicken strips I ordered were ice cold. I ate one. KFC / Taco Bell in Lexington, Nebraska, you’re on my sh*t list. I am NEVER eating there again. And I know three other people who share my opinion.
* The construction zone at Ofallala was shockingly decent, like on the drive up. What was not shockingly decent, was the construction zone between Grand Sandbar* and York. We got stuck behind a chick in a Honda Accord with Wyoming plates who literally was driving 30mph in a 65mph zone. There was literally a mile between the car in front of her, and her, when we exited the construction zone. I hope she rolled her vehicle and died a fiery violent death.
(*: I know it’s Grand Island, but come on, it’s an island in Nebraska. Grand Sandbar.)
* We get to York, and DJ’s hip is hurting*. So, Kellie decides “girls in the front, boys in the back!” Whatever you want, ma’am!!!
(*: funniest line of the day: when we were ready to pull out of her folks driveway, Kellie goes “my ass is hurting!” I know it was from the water skis the day before, but DJ and I just look at each other with a “you gonna say it, or me?” look of “who wants to get smacked by her first” recognition. Somehow, we both kept quiet. Aah! Married life has roo-eened some of your sense of humor, sir.)
* We ride girls up front, boys in back all the way to Salina. About the only two highlights on this stretch were …
1. Dusty noting how yellow the corn – stalks, tassles, etc – was. The answer is “yes” to the obvious question you’re going to ask at this point.
2. In response to some random question asked of him, DJ notes “well, one day equals four in Dustyland!” Now, I love that he’s finally recognizing Dustyland as an actual place – Brett and I have been arguing that for seven years now. But again, the answer is “yes” to the obvious question you’re going to ask at this point. God bless it, I love that guy.
* We stop for gas in Salina, and from the “not even I can make this sh*t up department”, Dusty and I head in to use the bathroom and get some food, and there, in a very prominently placed and highly visible sign on the door, is an ad for “Asian Massages! Upstairs! Open 7am-10pm!” If I ever make it back out to western Nebraska, and flooding forces us to go the long route again like this year, I am SO pounding that Asian massage!
* Have to do it.
(norm) it’s not a massage parlor like you think it is sir.
(norm’s boss) so they don’t have sex with clients there?
(norm) oh, is that what you think a massage parlor is? Then yes, it is a massage parlor like you think it is.
* The only highlight of the last two some odd hours driving home, was the rainbow that the rainstorm left behind. It was really neat to track it developing across the sky. Other than that, I got nothing, yo.
* We got into the Casa de Jones’ driveway a little after 8. I was sitting on my bed, beer in hand, by 8:45, and passed out by 9:30.
The road trip of a lifetime. I thought the best roadie I’d ever go on with “The Kid” was to Indy for the 500 in 2006, and God knows that was an experience in and of itself. But this one … this one might top it. It’s at least in the ballpark. Which is probably why it took four posts and 41 typed pages in Word to relive it. I could definitely do this again next summer. Except without Wade’s dance mix. Wow, was that epically awful …
Something’s going on, and it’s not quite clear.
Somebody turn on the lights!
We’re gonna have a party, starting tonight!
Oh, what a feeling!
When we’re dancin’ on the ceiling!
Oh, what a feeling!
When we’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”
-- “Dancing on the Ceiling” by Lionel Richie. THE greatest song from the 1980s, that DJ can no longer deny he has ever heard. I saw that head bobbing and hand tapping the beat while this song was pulled up on the iPod champ. It’s ok. It’s a sweet f*cking song! (59-14 on the Jukebox in The Basement, for the next time you’re up on the pool table …)
-----------------------
As always, I forgot a few highlights from Day Three of “Nebraskapalooza”. Thankfully, unlike when I totally whiff on remembering things in a typical recap, I had notes this time. Four random things I meant to mention and totally forgot to in Part Three:
1. “You have really long arm hair!” We were out on Brock’s boat, prepping for some water skiing, and Kellie just randomly says that to me. That sparks a three minute long stare-down by everyone at my arm hair. Uuh girls? It’s arm hair! I mean Jesus, if I go three days without shaving I look like a lumberjack, why wouldn’t I have long arm hair?
2. From Day One: on the drive up, once we got the iPod going, well, I’d put some country on there, because for some reason, I’ve been on a country kick this summer. (First time since summer of 2007. I know, it makes no sense to me either.) Luke Bryan’s “Country Girl (Shake It For Me)” comes on, and we got the KJ Seal of Approval! “Ooh! I like this song!” Whew. I mean, if you can’t have “Country Girl” randomly pop up on a float trip, and not encourage said country girls to “shake it for me”, then it’s not gonna be a really fun floater.
3. At Joe’s for dinner on Saturday night, Dusty was doing with the empty coke cans what any sane, rational, normal person would do: he was building a pyramid. Kellie’s mom gave him the stare of death when he started stacking them up. Such a stare, that he immediately tore the pyramid down. Beth’s response? “I gave her permission to call him Dustin Reid, and to give him the look”. Glad to see my mom isn’t the only one who drops the full name when she’s pissed off.
4. In the lovely community of Gering, good luck finding a stop sign. Or a left turn signal. I mean, can you imagine how f*cked up traffic would be in south KC if all our four way stops … had zero stop signs? That’s Gering folks! Not a stop sign to be found! It was explained away as “well, the main route knows it has the right-a-way”. Which is lovely, but what about crazy ass Texas-style drivers like me, who think they always have the right-a-way? Confusing as hell.
Although as Dusty’s aunt noted, we drove through the intersection of U Street and First Avenue every day. The “U First” intersection. I'm guessing she won't be the next great comedic mind to come from the metro area ...
And now … the conclusion to “Nebraskapalooza”.
Sunday, August 7th:
* I woke up at 7am. Again. Christ, I swear, it could be -15 outside, not an ounce of light anywhere from a massive blizzard falling, and my space heater could be turning the winter bear cave a healthy shade of 90 degrees, coupled with me popping 4 Benadryl and a handle of Crown, and I’d STILL wake up at 7am. It’s ridiculous.
* Rather than infuriate the sleeping roomie, I quickly showered, packed up my bathroom stuff, grabbed the laptop, and headed down to the lobby. There was one other guy there sitting at the tables by the pool. He saw me approaching and says “the wife kicked you out too, huh?” I just rolled with it.
* DJ called about 8:30 to let us know he’d get us at 9. In the mother of all upsets, he was not only on time, he was 2 minutes early!
* We headed back over to the Boasheao’s for one final get-together before everyone set off on their various ways home. DJ’s mom and aunt were off to see Estes Park for the day. The four of us … were about to embark on a lovely 9-10 hour drive home through the finest flat country Nebraska and Kansas have to offer. Good times.
* On the way out of town, we stop by the farm so Kellie can say goodbye to her brother. Shockingly, Wade is awake. And enjoying his roommate’s Reece’s ice cream for breakfast. That brought back memories …
(steve) (opens freezer)
(steve) (angry) what the f*ck happened to my chunky monkey?
(steve) (walks into main room)
(steve) (sees empty ben and jerry’s carton)
(steve) god d*mmit dusty!
(dj) shut up stevo! I’m trying to sleep!
* In a rare “good call!” moment, DJ turned right headed out of the farm, instead of left (where we’d come in from). Good call, because we wound up running into Bill, so Kellie got to say goodbye to her dad one last time too. I was happy for that.
* I then spent the next hour attempting to sleep in the back seat. Now, if you know me well, you know that I can literally fall asleep anywhere, in any position. I slept the whole drive home from the float trip last summer with my head halfway down the seatbelt as a pillow. In high school, I got mocked because I literally slept on half a bus seat, curled into a ball. The first floater I went on with Heath a few years ago, I literally used a tree root as a pillow. I can sleep on anything and somehow get enough rest to awake ready to go.
I could not fall asleep in the Nitro. When we got to I-80, I just gave up, and decided to be social again.
* Which prompted one of the funnest road trip games imaginable: name those movies! Someone would throw out a well-known actor, we’d all list as many movies of his as we could, and then confirm on IMDB or Wikipedia that they starred in said movie (and note the ones we missed).
We rocked the joint on it … until we hit Denzel Washington. Somehow, we whiffed on Malcolm X, and even though the title track by Public Enemy was playing on the iPod AS WE WERE NAMING DENZEL MOVIES, we whiffed on “He Got Game”. I’m not sure who was more apoplectic over missing that one, me or Dusty. We both were beyond embarrassed.
* One “make fun of Stevo” moment I keep forgetting to mention: last month, I took a day off when my dad had to watch “My Special Little Guy” all day, to help him watch Ayden. (Dad’s health is not good; watching a three year old is not a good idea for him.) So we went to this dinosaur themed restaurant out at the Legends for lunch named T-Rex. I kept calling it “trex”. Not “T (pause) Rex”, but “trex”. Apparently this is a mispronunciation. Also apparently, everyone found this funny. I include it, because either I’m a f*cking idiot, or I’m a f*cking idiot. I’m leaning towards me being a f*cking idiot.
* On the drive from Gering to Lexington (where we stopped for gas and lunch), we passed a friggin spider monkey! I sh*t you not, a freaking spider monkey! That prompted the “hey, it’s Marcel!” jokes.
* Even more amazingly, on the drive south on US81, we passed a freaking fan boat, like what you’d see in the swamps of Florida or Louisiana! I’m telling you, we lived a lifetime on this road trip.
* We stop for gas, fill up, decide to hit up the KFC and Taco Bell for lunch … and let’s just say, this was about the shadiest, sh*ttiest, you insert the adjective here, KFC / Taco Bell combo ever. For starters, there were bugs of some kind everywhere around the entrance. Disgusting. Then, the “volcano tacos” that Dusty ordered, not only did NOT come in a red taco shell as advertised, they really didn’t come with the hot cheese sauce either. And to top it all off, the chicken strips I ordered were ice cold. I ate one. KFC / Taco Bell in Lexington, Nebraska, you’re on my sh*t list. I am NEVER eating there again. And I know three other people who share my opinion.
* The construction zone at Ofallala was shockingly decent, like on the drive up. What was not shockingly decent, was the construction zone between Grand Sandbar* and York. We got stuck behind a chick in a Honda Accord with Wyoming plates who literally was driving 30mph in a 65mph zone. There was literally a mile between the car in front of her, and her, when we exited the construction zone. I hope she rolled her vehicle and died a fiery violent death.
(*: I know it’s Grand Island, but come on, it’s an island in Nebraska. Grand Sandbar.)
* We get to York, and DJ’s hip is hurting*. So, Kellie decides “girls in the front, boys in the back!” Whatever you want, ma’am!!!
(*: funniest line of the day: when we were ready to pull out of her folks driveway, Kellie goes “my ass is hurting!” I know it was from the water skis the day before, but DJ and I just look at each other with a “you gonna say it, or me?” look of “who wants to get smacked by her first” recognition. Somehow, we both kept quiet. Aah! Married life has roo-eened some of your sense of humor, sir.)
* We ride girls up front, boys in back all the way to Salina. About the only two highlights on this stretch were …
1. Dusty noting how yellow the corn – stalks, tassles, etc – was. The answer is “yes” to the obvious question you’re going to ask at this point.
2. In response to some random question asked of him, DJ notes “well, one day equals four in Dustyland!” Now, I love that he’s finally recognizing Dustyland as an actual place – Brett and I have been arguing that for seven years now. But again, the answer is “yes” to the obvious question you’re going to ask at this point. God bless it, I love that guy.
* We stop for gas in Salina, and from the “not even I can make this sh*t up department”, Dusty and I head in to use the bathroom and get some food, and there, in a very prominently placed and highly visible sign on the door, is an ad for “Asian Massages! Upstairs! Open 7am-10pm!” If I ever make it back out to western Nebraska, and flooding forces us to go the long route again like this year, I am SO pounding that Asian massage!
* Have to do it.
(norm) it’s not a massage parlor like you think it is sir.
(norm’s boss) so they don’t have sex with clients there?
(norm) oh, is that what you think a massage parlor is? Then yes, it is a massage parlor like you think it is.
* The only highlight of the last two some odd hours driving home, was the rainbow that the rainstorm left behind. It was really neat to track it developing across the sky. Other than that, I got nothing, yo.
* We got into the Casa de Jones’ driveway a little after 8. I was sitting on my bed, beer in hand, by 8:45, and passed out by 9:30.
The road trip of a lifetime. I thought the best roadie I’d ever go on with “The Kid” was to Indy for the 500 in 2006, and God knows that was an experience in and of itself. But this one … this one might top it. It’s at least in the ballpark. Which is probably why it took four posts and 41 typed pages in Word to relive it. I could definitely do this again next summer. Except without Wade’s dance mix. Wow, was that epically awful …
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