Tuesday, August 2, 2011

ten quick chiefs thoughts

1. This "doom and gloom" over the Chiefs not signing major unrestricted free agents ... uuh, ok? Because that approach worked so effing well in the late 1990s / early to mid 2000s? Sure, it brought us a few fun seasons I at least look back on and smile about ... but last time I check, January 16, 1994 is the only date ANY Chiefs fan should care about. And if you don't know what the hell happened on that day, question your Chiefs fan status.

The ONLY thing that matters this season is erasing the shame of postseason failure since that day. Nothing the Chiefs have done so far, endangers erasing that shame.

2. No NFL team is required to actually meet the "salary floor" until 2013. If that makes Clark Hunt cheap, so be it. I would have thought being one of the "Embarrassing Eight" who cut employee salaries during the lockout would have revealed him to be a cheap ass sadist. Or at least a ass. But until and unless D Bowe, Tamba Hali, and Glenn Dorsey escape without a contract offer, I won't call him "cheap". Or a "sadist", that's a little over the top.

3. I went to Training Camp on Monday. What I learned, aside from the fact that sitting on a metal bleacher with no shade on a 111 degree day is f*cking insane ... is that I'm not a fan of our offense so far. The defense doesn't concern me in the least -- Romeo Crennel could pluck 11 dudes out of Lot G during tailgating and find a way to hold the other team to 30. (Something Greg Robinson could NEVER do, even if you spotted him 11 bloated free agent contracts. Oh wait, we did do that, never mind.)

Everything was dink-and-dunk out of Cassel (and Palko; Stanzi didn't throw much on Monday). I HATE the dink-and-dunk offense. I would hope when Breaston can start practicing Thursday, we open it up a bit more.

4. You know who's a f*cking beast? Jonathan Baldwin. I heard at least 6 people sitting behind me ask "who's 89"? This kid is MASSIVE. Or as the guy behind me put it, "6 4 235? That's it?!?!" We've got, on paper, one of the most explosive offenses in the sport. I'm good with it. I'm also good with ...

5. Matt Cassel. You know, the guy I spent all this offseason b*tching about and demanding we draft Ryan Mallett as his replacement. Well, I can tell you up close and personal (aka "I stood next to the gate", that Cassel has bulked up, and he has that Matt Saracen "hey, I learned how to bark out a play call!" look to him. I could hear him barking plays from 45 feet away at the water tent. Color me impressed.

6. Also color me impressed with this Cheddar's restaurant place. I guess we have some here in KC. Holy God. $3.50 for a Texas Margarita that was the size of Texas, and as potent as something I would concoct. I'm sure we looked as classy as could be, three Training Camp survivors of a 111 degree day literally dripping sweat on the floor of the joint ... but $3.50 Texas Margaritas! I gotta check this place out more often!

7. Funniest moment from bowling tonight: I show up in my Jamaal Charles Pro Bowl t-shirt, my Chiefs mesh shorts I wear to every home game I can get away with them in (aka "it's not gonna freeze my balls off to wear these"), my Chiefs "awareness" bracelet, and drop my Chiefs bowling ball into the rack. Dude next to me goes "so, you a Chiefs fan"? Probably good I left the Jets hat in the car, I might have really messed with his brain.

8. My next six weekends:

8/5 8/6: Nebraska for DJ and the lovely Kellie's hometown reception.
8/12/ 8/13: Floatapalooza Dos with DJ and the lovely Kellie. Please, don't get me started on the cost of this thing; let's just say, at the rate I'm p*ssing away money to spend time with these two, I'll be in bankruptcy court by late September*.
8/19 8/20: nothing! But ...
8/21: Boozeapalooza 2011! God this is gonna be epic if it all plays out right.
8/26 8/27: start with T-Bones game with my brother and my "Special Little Guy", then Saturday is Fikeapalooza ... and Y'allapalooza**! Damn!
9/2 9/3: Floatapalooza Tres! Followed up the next day with
9/4: Matt Nathanson! Train! Maroon 5! Sweet Jesus!
9/9 9/10: in the words of Sunny Ledfurd, "not a god damned thing!" But ...
9/11: Chiefs! Bills! Home opener!

(*: sadly, I have to miss Brent and the lovely Ashley's luau for this trip, that I've already dropped multiple f bombs and "don't you DARE book it at that rate!" blasts for. The lesson? As always, if DJ wants something, your opinion, checkbook, wallet, and/or personal credit card be damned, he's getting his way. I'd apologize for blasting him like this in a semi-public forum, but I already told him this in private, so screw him. We don't need a godd*mned cabin on a float trip. Especially at $35 / person when camping is $11 / person. (but you're paying him right?) Hell yes, I'm paying him. It's a float trip! It could have been $85 / person as originally proposed and I'd still have said "ok" in the end.)

(**: for those of you doing the math, you're damned right I'm not stepping foot into Arrowhead until it's a game that counts. Clark Hunt, you and your fellow owners can go f*ck yourself with my $84 / ticket. As Rush would note, that is "anatomically impossible" ... but my $168 should give you a chance to try. Or better yet, find some Asian massage parlor in "Perfect Village" or Mission and whiz it away there. I'm thrilled the NFL is back, but I would have loved a $168 credit to my account had the preseason just been cancelled. NFL Preseason Football: THE biggest OUTRAGE in America today!)

9. Along those sidebar lines ... there's a difference between being cheap, and being smart. So far, the Chiefs have been smart (although I'd have overpaid to keep Shaun Smith). This team is better than it was when Baltimore rolled us eight painful months ago. Hell, this team is far better, in terms of its standing in the division, since oakland rolled us eight exact months ago today. And ...

10. denver has to trade kyle orton now. I know they risk a locker room revolt ... but (a) john fox is a great head coach, (b) john fox knows what he's doing, and (c) denver HAS to find out if our lord and risen saviour, the man who can part waters and perform miracles, the man who ... aw screw it, they have to know if tim tebow can do the job. Because if not, they have to target a QB in the next draft. kyle orton is a serviceable veteran who might win denver 8 games this year. tim tebow is the unknown. if john fox doesn't force (insert very long string of obsenities here) john elway to trade kyle orton to prevent an open competition, then john fox is not the tremendous head coach and motivator of players I believe him to be. (My way of saying: I'm spending a weekend not even 3 hours from denver, with donkeys season ticket holders. Yeah, I have no godd*mned clue what to pack, other than, it'll likely p*ss off the hosts. Hey, it's not my fault: almost 90% of the t-shirt drawer is Chiefs gear of some kind ...)

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