"If you ain't a ten?
You're a nine point nine!
Tippin' and spillin'
That homemade wine!
On your tied up t-shirt ...
Every little kiss?
Is driving me wild!
Throwing little cherry bombs
Into my fire,
Good God almighty!
Girl, you make my
Speakers go boom boom,
Dancin' on the tailgate
In the full moon!
That kind of thing
Makes a man go "mmm hmm"!
You're lookin' so good
In what's left of those blue jeans!
Drippin' honey on the
Money maker? Gotta be!
The best buzz
I'm every gonna find!
Hey, I'm a little drunk on you,
And high on summertime ..."
--------------------
Ooh, a potential new addition to this already ridiculously long,
over-thought, over-laid out post.
(Although trust me -- this week's "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman
Tweet O' the Week, is an all-time classic.
And I am fully aware what the Week One Tweet O' the Week for the Klassy
One was.)
Your "Trivia Question of
the Week" to kick the post off!
This week's valuable prize?
If you can walk up to me and identify the correct answer at tailgating
on Sunday, I will either (a) make you the best mimosa ... or at least the
strongest, you will ever have, (b) make you the best bloody mary ... or at
least the strongest, you will ever have, or (c) let you raid the cooler for a
frosty cold Coors Light (which I'm leaning towards for my libation of choice
for Sunday). This week's question,
courtesy of "The Voice of Reason", and when I Googled the answer, I
damned near spit out the answer.
I have said many times before, that the Conway Twitty version of "Slow Hand" is THE sleaziest song ever recorded. Can you identify the name of the ALBUM it was
released on, thirty years ago? Trust me
-- it only ADDS to the sleaze value of a sex-addict's dream classic
recording!
(Cheating is both allowed, and encouraged.)
This week's post contains:
* THE greatest Klassy Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' the Week section so
far. KKK had an epic meltdown both on
and regarding Twitter earlier this week.
If you find outright hypocrisy to be either infuriating or hysterical
(note: I find it to be both), you will LOVE the Klassy One's meltdown this week.
* The Poem. Hey, it's a
home game. Sadly, no Edward Hochuli --
we have Terry McAulay reffing Sunday's showdown.
* The Flashback. Focused on
two classics at Arrowhead between these two squads -- one for the tragedy
surrounding the game (note: I'm gonna step in it ... but I am NOT wrong, about
what I go off about from Week 2 2001) ... the other for the season it launched
(1995).
* "The Voice of Reason"'s Reason. As always, unedited other than for font, and
when needed, inserting a link to something referenced.
* The Tailgating Plans. If
they're available. (Note: they are
included in The Poem.)
* The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Prognostications. My service to the gambling community.
* The Jets Prediction.
Where I agree with our good buddy, Ol' Klassy Kev'?!?!?!
* The Chiefs Prediction.
What the primary theme will be, I don't know starting this thing at
8:16am on a Thursday ... but my favorite running gag each season, will be a
part of it, given what halftime is on Sunday.
Trust me -- if you've loved this team even 2% as much as I have over the
last twenty years, you will love the running gag.
Because this weekend, is my favorite home game every year, that doesn't involve a certain team from the Mile High City. (horshack voice) Ooh, Ooh, Ooh! And in the Falcons / Pats pick? Folks, there's ... well, I'm not going to spoil it ... but all I can say is, come December 1st?
A kid ... fine, a nearly middle-aged dude, can dream.
In the words of a Bud Light advertiser voice, "Here we
go!" ...
--------------------
Last Week ATS: 6-9-1.
In the words of Florida Georgia Line: "Dayum baby! Dayum!"
That's ... awful.
Season to Date ATS: 15-31-2. Good Lord.
That is beyond putrid.
Last Week SU: 7-9-0.
In my defense, had I picked both of my two teams to win outright ...
both ATS and SU would have been plus .500 for the week. Idiot not being biased decision making ...
Season to Date SU: 25-23-0. Horrendous!
"The Voice of Reason" Last Week ATS: 7-8-1.
"The Voice of Reason" Season to Date ATS: 20-25-3.
(Note: Mr. Reason does not pick heads-up winners).
Last Week "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week: Yay Bengals. Boo Steelers.
Season to Date "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week: 1-4
This Week's "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week: I'm rooting against this, but I couldn't bet against it. Texans (+2 1/2) over Seahawks, at the finest facility in the National ... Football League, I've ever had the privilege to step foot in.
--------------------
The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets Predictions:
(Note: as always, all lines via Danny Sheridan via USA Today.)
* Byes: Packers (1-2), Panthers (1-2). Hang on, checking the
coaching rosters ... ok, bye's going down this week. Twice.
Although Ron Rivera might manage a tie.
Because only "Sur" William Callahan, could manage to lose.
* 49ers (-3 1/2) 31, at Rams 13. If the Niners had won, or even looked
respectable last week, I'd feel far differently about this one, than I do.
* Vikings (+2 1/2) 13, Steelers 10 (London). Oh just wait, you limey
Brits -- the Jags are still on the way in a month!!! (Pause).
What? (Pause). You're damned right Barry's punishing them
for (smartly) refusing to stand with him in attacking Syria!
* at Bills (+3) 31, Ravens 20. Bills have two covers as a home dog already,
and both came down to the final play from scrimmage for the outright win.
* Bengals 31, at Browns (+4) 28. Smells like a field goal game either way.
* Colts (-9 1/2) 34, at Jaguars 2. Hit it!
"Good Times! Anytime
you need a payment?
Good Times! Anytime you
need a friend?
Good Times! Anytime you're
out from under?
Not gettin' hastled! Not
gettin' hustled!
Keepin' yo head above water!
Makin' a wave when you can!
Temporary layoffs? Good
Times!
Easy credit ripoffs? Good
Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'?
Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line?
Good Times!
Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
* at Texans (+2 1/2) 31, Seahawks 28. Ooh, now this is a frisky
and feisty matchup! Frisky! And!
Feisty! Do I do it? In honor of the (sadly) filed bankruptcy of the parent company, should I create an "AdultFriendFinder Game O' The
Week" for the friskiest and feistiest matchup on the board? I'll take that under advisement. Until then, (roy orbison in "pretty
woman" voice) grrrrrrrrrrrrrrowl!
* Cardinals (+1) 6, at Bucs 3. Your Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week! My God, this is eight layers of awful. Forget friends and family in attendance --
not even they want to sit through this stinkfest.
* at Lions (-2 1/2) 30, Bears 24. Ooh, another frisky and
feisty matchup! Frisky! And!
Feisty! And dare I say, salty
too? I do? Sweet! You ready? (sleazy 900 operator voice) Salty! This is a huge one to boot -- the
Bears can be two clear of the division field, with a road win in hand, by
winning this one. Or the Lions pull
even, and (likely) draw the Packers back into the early race as well. So ... "Bob Guccione Game O' The
Week"? Yay? Nay?
Again, under advisement.
* at Chargers (+1 1/2) 31, Cowboys 24. Feels like one of those
"Romo loses it with a pick six at the four to go mark" games. (Or a typical Tuesday at Cowboys practice.)
* Redskins 17, at raiders (+3 1/2) 14. I am not confident at
all. Who do you trust less -- RGIII, or
terrelle pryor. More to the point, who
do you think hates, despises, and wishes nothing but ill-will on the other
team: Mike Shanahan, or dennis allen? I
mean, Mr. Shanahan once had his quarterback chuck footballs at the late al davis in pregame, for crying out loud.
He's still owed most of his 1989, 1990, and 1991 coaching salary from
the raiders! You think he won't be fired
up, to show up that team in the black hole? (Pause). What? (Pause). Yeah, good point -- that might be the most accurate pass, Elvis Grbac ever threw in his life.
* at broncos 34, Eagles (+12) 24. Eagles have either led, or
had the ball within a possession, entering the fourth quarter in every game
this year. I'm guessing this one might
be a late backdoor cover. Hee hee, he said donkeys and "back door", hee hee. (Pause). What?
(Pause). Well of course the
donkeys are going to win! In fact, I'm
slapping this one as the "Kostly Knowledge Memorial Stone Cold Lead Pipe Lock O' The
Week"! The denver broncos WILL win
this game! I repeat: the denver broncos
are a guaranteed, no-doubt-about-it mortal lock, to beat the Philadelphia
Eagles this Sunday, kickoff at 2:25pm local time. Guaranteed!
Lock!
* at Falcons (-1) 35, Patriots 30. Man, NBC has a sweet
schedule this year. Hang on, let me see
something ... (peter griffin seeing ernie the giant fighting chicken voice)
HOLY CRAP! Y'all aware what the
currently scheduled December 1st game is for NBC? I mean, are you kidding me? Are you WANTING me to pee my pants with
excitement? This is that level of epic!
Sunday, December 1st -- your NBC Sunday Nighter as of today?
0-3 Giants at 0-3 Redskins.
Sunday, December 1st, your Nantz / Simms broadcast CBS'er as of
today?
3-0 broncos at 3-0 Chiefs.
You tell me what other game gets flexed, other than maybe Pats /
Texans:
* Dolphins at Jets. Nope.
* Jags at Browns. Child,
please.
* Titans at Colts. Not a
chance in hell.
* Bears at Vikings. No way.
* Cardinals at Eagles. Uuh,
next?
* Bucs at Panthers. Yeah,
right.
* Rams at 49ers. Doubtful.
* Falcons at Bills. Highly
doubtful.
* Bengals at Chargers.
Extremely doubtful.
That's it. Those are your
eleven choices, and broncos / Chiefs is by far and away the class on the board
right now.
Keeping winning, Chiefs. (deep sigh of disgust ...) And at least win enough to get us this slot, donkeys.
* at Saints (-7) 31, Dolphins 23. I thought the NFL was
insane scheduling Miami for two prime time games. They may be mildly crazy ... but they're not
insane, at this point. If this baby moves to 7 1/2 though, I'm grabbing Miami.
The Klassy Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week:
In the words of 980 KMBZ drive time host Scott Parks: "Oh God."
Because "Klassy" Kevin stepped in it this week.
Instead, I want to focus on what might be, THE single stupidest football related Tweet, I have ever read.
Ladies and Gentlemen ... hang on, I can't resist. If only because the connotation given the rumors of the Klassy One's marital demise years ago make this so damned special.
(peter griffin voice) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Tweet of all Tweets:
Uuh, excuse me?
We've just come off the worst season in franchise history -- presided over on the field by Coach Hobo's REPLACEMENT for God's sake -- and he's asking if Coach Hobo is the "worst football coach ever"?
Here's a list of ... hang on, I'm just going to do a quick mind exercise and start typing. You know, like one of those office games where you're given a word, and you have to form as many new words out of it, as you can, in a small window of time?
I'm going to take the next 90 seconds, and list head coaches in my life, WORSE than Todd Haley. And you tell me -- (oskar schindler voice) you tell me! -- where I'm wrong. (Note: this is solely at the PRO level, not college).
* Mike "Meathead" Tice.
* Ray Rhodes.
* Rich Kotite.
* Al Groh.
* Dave Campo.
* josh mcdaniels.
* Mike White.
* joe bugle.
* "Sur" William Callahan.
* Norval Eugene Turner.
* Bobby Petrino.
* Steve Spagnoulo.
* Scott Linehan.
* Brad Childress.
* Marty Mornhinweg.
* Rod "0 and 16" Marinelli.
* ROMEO EFFING CRENNEL!
* Gunther Cunningham.
* Frank Gansz.
* Paul Wiggin.
* Tom Bettis.
* Lindy Infante.
* Chris Palmer.
* Butch "Warner" Davis.
* Vince Tobin.
* Dave McGinnis.
* Mike Riley.
* Kevin Gilbride.
* Jack Pardee.
* Ron Rivera.
* Dom Capers.
* Dick MacPherson.
* Ray Handley.
* Steve Spurrier.
* Jim Zorn.
* Raheem Morris.
And ... TIME.
Let's add them up ... 36. THIRTY SIX head coaches, in less than 90 seconds, that I (cheated, and scribbled short-hand, then typed, but still), ALL of whom are worse than Coach Hobo!
And let's not forget these classics:
* Al Saunders. SUCKED as Chargers head coach.
* Rich Brooks. SUCKED as Rams head coach.
* Ray Perkins. SUCKED as Bucs head coach.
* Bud Carson. SUCKED as Browns head coach.
* Cam Cameron. SUCKED as Dolphins head coach.
* "Drunk" Dennis Erickson. My God, how could I forget "Drunk" Denny? SUCKED as the Seahawks head coach. SUCKED as the 49ers head coach.
* Mike Nolan. SUCKED as the 49ers head coach.
* Mike Singletary. How did I forget HIM?!?! SUCKED!!! As the 49ers head coach.
* Lane Kiffin. SUCKED as the raiders head coach. Hell, even al davis knew how much he sucked, and fired him WITH CAUSE, in a nationally televised press conference!
* Dick Jauron. SUCKED so bad, he got three tries -- Bears, Lions, and Bills!
* Gregg Williams. SUCKED as Bills head coach.
* Gary Moeller. SUCKED as Lions head coach.
* David Shula. SUCKED as Bengals head coach.
That's 49 ALL demonstrably WORSE than Coach Hobo.
And for 50?
* Bruce "Milk It, Milk It" Coslet, who SUCKED as the Bengals coach, and who I still to this day cannot say his name, without an expletive or three flying out of my mouth, for his criminal mismanagement of the Jets.
But clearly -- CLEARLY! -- Todd Haley is the "worst coach ever".
Good God Almighty. I need a drink.
And now, for a more rational portion of the prepared statements in this piece ...
"The Voice of Reason"'s Reason:
And now, the picks and commentary:
StL +3.5 (I always like the home dog on a primetime game)
Min +3 (Lots of home dogs this week and I’ll be taking a lot of them)
Buf +3 (Let down game for the ravens)
Cle +4 (Let down game for the bengals)
Jags +7.5 (Let down game for Indy and tough to play on west coast one week and travel to east coast the next week)
Hou +2.5 (Might be my favorite game of the week)
Arz +2.5 (Ummm…it’s Mike Gleason, right?)
Det -3 (Chi gets their first loss)
NYG +4.5 (When a line doesn’t make any sense, take the side that doesn’t make any sense)
Ten -3.5 (could set up a battle of 4-0s next week in Nashville)
Dal +1 (I don’t believe in phillip rivers)
Oak +3 (Never like teams travelling coast to coast)
Phi +11 (I like that they have a bunch of extra time to prepare)
Atl -2 (NE could be in trouble this year)
Mia +6.5 (The phins could win this straight up…I like even more if the line moves up to 7)
The Reason:
I loved the Derrick Thomas “A Football Life” documentary on NFL Network this week. In my opinion, Derrick Thomas is the greatest Chiefs ever. Not the best player, but the best Chief. He was certainly flawed in many ways, but he had the heart of a champion and defined the Chiefs rise to respectability in the 90s. If it wasn’t for the triumvirate of Carl Peterson, Marty Schottenheimer and Derrick Thomas, I’m fairly confident the Chiefs may not be in Kansas City today.
I’m glad the program didn’t shy away from any aspect of his life. It was never a secret of his multiple children with multiple women, but he still tried to be the best father that he could be. He always partied hard, yet spent just has much money on his charitable endeavors. I had the opportunity to meet him a couple of times and he couldn’t have been a nicer guy. It was well documented in the show and plenty of other places that he was always late. All I can say is that when I met him at the 1995 Indianapolis 500, he was running late on wherever he needed to be, but he still stopped to take a picture or two with some Chiefs fan in Indy. Not a lot of superstars would have ever done that.
While I think he is maybe #3 or #4 on the list of best Chiefs “players” ever, he is without question the best Chief ever.
RIP #58
"The Flashback": Chiefs vs Giants.
Most people remember one game, and one game only, in this series
from the last twenty years, and that is the first game back post-9/11, played
in the rain at Arrowhead, a sloppy 16-6 Giants win. Even Stevo's Site Numero Dos' good amigo, Ol'
Pete King, graced our fine community with his presence that day, writing the
feature story for SI that week. The
Giants earned that win, let there be no doubt.
Defending NFC Champs, against game two of the Richard A. Vermeil
era. 16-6 doesn't begin to cover how bad
a beating it was.
What I remember most about that game though, was the boot. Namely, the fireman's boot, which kept
getting passed around time ... after time ... after time. I mean, for crying out loud, how much giving
to some charity is enough? I'll stick a
ten spot in the first time. If I'm
feeling frisky and feisty, I'll chuck a five in the second time. But not even Bill Gates would pitch in on the
third time around, let alone the seventh.
I am all for giving to a worthy cause.
Relief for the victims of 9/11 is a worthwhile cause. But even I have my limits. And that game found them.
The other (mostly) non-memorable games, all Giants victories, from
the last twenty some odd years:
* a 2009 boatracing at Arrowhead, ironically enough also in week
four.
* a 2005 loss at the Real Meadowlands that helped cost the Chiefs
a playoff berth.
* a 1998 loss at the Real Meadowlands that was the final loss of
the Marty years.
* a 1992 loss at the Real Meadowlands that cost the Chiefs the
division. (They still earned a
wildcard).
The other game in this series?
The game that truly launched the season, of my favorite Chiefs team of
all time: the 1995 edition.
Week Two. After a win on
the road against a hapless opponent beginning a rebuild, the Chiefs come home
to face a NFC East team with a former 49ers starter under center for them. Sound familiar?
The Chiefs trailed 17-3 with 5:08 remaining, when Marcus Allen
punched it in. Three minutes later,
Steve Bono hit Danan "It's" Hughes for the tying score, and
"kicker whose name shall not be, uuh, named" drilled the game winner
in overtime. It was the first of four
... how to put this delicately ... four "holy (bucking) (dung)!" finishes
at Arrowhead that season.
The second came the following season week, as once again the Chiefs
trailed an opponent 17-3 in the fourth quarter.
Once again Steve Bono*** led the Chiefs to not one, but two needed
scoring drives, this time tying the game with under a minute to play. And then in overtime, Bono wasn't
needed. Because on the raiders opening
drive, James Hasty happened, intercepting raiders QB jeff hostetler and taking
it to the house for the 23-17 win. Three
weeks and the next home game later, once again, Steve Bono delivered when he
had to, driving the Chiefs 88 yards in 1:12 to tie the game with :15 remaining
on a touchdown pass to Derrick Walker.
And in overtime, the one play guaranteed to make me cry, no matter where
or when I hear it, my favorite play of all time, happened -- Tamarick Vanover. "Boy, did he loft that
one!" "He's up past the
twenty!" "Vanover is almost
gone, and now he is ... OFFICIALLY gone!"
"No flags!"
(Also, admit it -- you miss "NFL Primetime" every bit as much as I do. Sorry, but NBC's "Football Night in America" is utterly unwatchable, save for Tony Dungy.)
The fourth moment? Probably
the most "holy moly!" finish in Chiefs history, when Todd
McNair, merely running out the clock before taking the game to overtime,
inexplicably drops the ball on a draw -- no Chiefs player touched him -- and
Mark Collins scooped it up, and took it to the house virtually as time expired,
to hand the Chiefs a 20-13 "what the ..." win, their fourth of the
season. (And sadly, their last ...
although there was a "what the ..." defeat remaining, come January.)
That 1995 season was something magical. How 2013 can top it, I have no idea ... but
I'd sure like to see it try.
(***: you will find no bigger defender of Steve Bono's tenure in
KC, than me. (Pause). What?
(Pause). Yeah, that's probably true
-- you'll find no other defender, of Steve Bono's tenure in KC, than me.)
The Poem:
Sunday at high noon,
The Chiefs seek to extend,
A start to the 2013 season,
None of us want to end.
A win at the Jags,
A win over the 'Boys.
A win at the Eagles,
Despite the crowd noise.
And now come the Giants --
Saving their season is their fight.
Sunday, the Chiefs can end it;
That would be (clap!) Dy-No-Mite!!!
The gates open at 7:30;
We'll be in our usual place.
You know how to reach me,
To save you a parking space.
The menu is easy enough --
Brats, dogs, and assorted sides.
Plus however many coolers with libations,
We can pack in the ride.
Patti DiParto-Livergood
Is on National Anthem duty;
So the thing is guaranteed,
To be a freaking beauty.
It's also Alumni Weekend,
With Chiefs greats from far and near.
Let's see if one special alumnus,
Decides to appear.
"But then I stop,
Because I spot a car,
That might contain,
My special little star."
Will the real 59 be in the house?
Or will be all be saying "What?"
Because instead of Donnie Edwards,
We see glen cadrez, who should be "cut"?
Let's hope it doesn't come to that;
For "Cut" glen cadrez? I will boo.
That damned dirty donkey is worthless --
And his former defensive coordinator is too.
Sadly there's no need,
To make a trip to the merch stand,
To see who our referee will be;
The internet has made that pointless.
"Then I open the program,
To see who our referee will be,
And I shout out in horror,
Sweet Jesus! Ed
Hochuli!"
Sadly, Ed's in San Diego,
Terry McAulay's our guy this week.
Let's hope we get Ed at least once this year,
'Cause that would be sweet!
When the dining and drinking subsides,
And the walk into Arrowhead begins,
Remember -- no Giants fan there,
Is any longer your friend.
For three hours -- or more,
Do your part -- make KC proud!
Have fun! Enjoy yourself!
And be really damned loud!
4-0 is in sight,
For the first time since 2003.
And that is a record every Chiefs fan,
Would make very, very happy.
I hope to see you out there,
Support your team, gals and girls!
Let's keep our season soaring;
Our fiesta wheel on a whirl!
Because all I want on Sunday,
To begin the postgame scene?
Is to hear those awesome notes,
To "Dancin' on the Ceiling!!!"
Come out and do your part,
To make that dream come true!
Who else you gonna cheer for --
The playoff bound Boyz n Blue?
(c) 2013 Stevo Productions, No Rights Reserved.
(Dodging rotten fly-infested fruit at the closing stanza ...)
The Jets "Whoa, Stevo Agrees With The Klassy One?!?!?!"
Prognostication:
The Klassy One was Geno Smith's biggest supporter last
season. Needless to say, anything that
Ol' Klassy Kev has to say, I take with not just a grain, but a pillar, of
salt. So, since the late game didn't
really appeal to me last week, and I hadn't seen more than the fluke
"Thank You Ed!!!" finish to a single moment of the Jets yet this
season, I set off for a local watering hole, to watch last week's Bills game.
Color me impressed.
Yeah, he has room to grow, but what QB entering his third game
doesn't? (I would remind everyone
shouting "peyton manning", that mr. manning went 3-13 his rookie
season. And everyone shouting "Ryan
Leaf"? That Mr. Leaf opened 2-0 in
his career. Just goes to show you.)
The bottom line is that he's had the ball in his hands, in the
fourth quarter of every game this season, in position to win the game. And he's 2-1 in those spots, with two game
winning drives in three starts.
(I cannot believe I am about to type this ...)
Three starts in? He's the
best Jets QB debut since Chadwick Pennington saved the season in 2002 ... by
opening 1-2, including a disasterous last-second collapse to the Chiefs, in his
debut. And he's probably the best QB the
Jets have had under center, since Chadwick Pennington's 2004 campaign.
Take a bow, Klassy Kev'. If
I'm gonna rip you when you're wrong, I'll applaud you when you're right.
And since I have yet to take Gang Green, and they have yet to lay
an egg (at least until next Monday night -- seriously, ESPN should ask USA and the WWE to
loan them Good Ol' JR for one night only, because there will be plenty of
"GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!!!"
moments next Monday night in Atlanta, when the Jets get taken to the woodshed
by the Falcons.
* at Titans 17, Jets (+3.5) 14.
Gimme the points baby! I'm
getting closer to buying into seeing this season end in the 9-7 cluster(ruckus)
for the right to be demolished in Baltimore or the 'Nati!
The Chiefs Prediction:
Oh man, oh man, oh man, am I ready for Sunday!
Because as of this moment ... Sunday looks to be something we
haven't had in a long, long, long, LONG time.
(Since 2010 ... and before that 2006 -- ironically enough, against the
same opponent both times.)
The Giants are terrible guys.
They are atrocious. If you can't
score against Ron Rivera? You've got
serious problems.
You know what this team kind of reminds me of? The 2000 Jacksonville Jaguars. Everyone preached for years "yeah, Tom
Coughlin's a great coach, but eventually, he loses his team." Coaches like that? When they lose their squad?
They lose them overnight.
Don't believe me? See
"Chiefs, 1998 Season".
(walt anderson voice) "Personal Foul, Chop Block, 69,
Offense. That's a fifteen yard penalty,
an automatic first down. Number 69 has
been disqualified from today's contest."
The 2000 Jaguars' collapse, NOBODY saw coming. They were coming off a 14-2 season, hosting
the AFC Title Game. Coming off four
straight playoff berths, and they won at least once every year they got there,
save for 1997 (when they lost at denver, sadly, in the wildcard round. Let's just say, that defeat for the Jags, did not work out too well for the Chiefs, seven days later.)
They were everyone's trendy pick to finally "break through". Two AFC Title Games in four years, three
division round appearances in four years, two divisional titles in four years
-- they were poised. They were ready.
(terry mcaulay voice) "False start, number 69, offense. Five yard penalty, remains third down."
Here's how they opened (courtesy pro-football-reference.com, my
favorite stats geek site on the 'net):
W at Cleveland, 27-7. No
shock.
L at Ravens, 36-39. The
Ravens won the Lombardi.
W vs Bengals, 13-0. Again,
no surprise.
(jerome boger voice) "Holding, number 69, offense. Ten yard penalty, remains second down."
Then ...
L at Colts, 14-43. The
Colts went 10-6, wildcard berth ... but still.
Lose by 30?
L vs Steelers, 13-24. The
Steelers went 9-7, no playoffs.
L vs Ravens, 10-15. In the
midst of five straight touchdown less games for the Ravens.
L at Titans, 13-27. The
Titans won the division.
L vs Redskins, 16-35. The
Redskins fired Norv Turner six weeks later.
W at Cowboys, 23-17 (OT).
This was Dave Campo's first 5-11 team (of three, in three tries)
bye
L vs Seahawks, 21-28.
Seattle missed the playoffs on tiebreakers.
(al riveron voice) "Personal foul, clipping, number 69
offense. 15 yards from the previous
spot, it remains first down."
The 2000 Jags didn't have injury issues -- Mark Brunell started
every game. Even played decently --
60.9% completion rate, 20/14 TD/Int ratio, 84.0 QBR. That's a .500 quarterback ... which is about
what the Jags recovered to, winning four straight after the Seahawks defeat,
before finishing 7-9.
But the damage was done.
The team had tuned Coughlin out, and he was gone less than two years
later.
Have the 2013 Giants, turned into the 1998 Chiefs, or the 2000
Jaguars?
(phil luckett voice) "69 calls heads. Heads is the call. (Pause).
It is tails, do you choose to defend or receive?"
If they have ... hang on, let me check the forecast for Sunday ...
weather.com says 73 and partly cloudy.
Dare a kid dream?
If they have, then we have seen this before: up-and-coming squad, at home, drills a hapless opponent, in my favorite kind of Chiefs game.
My favorite kind of Chiefs game, is what I like to call the
"Kick the Sandals Off at Halftime, Take the Shirt Off, Prop the Feet Up,
and Spend the Next Ninety Minutes Working On the Tan" Game. Really only applies until mid-October, but still -- we haven't had one of those since the 49ers
in 2010 ... and even that game wasn't really a rout, until late in the
third.
The last time we thoroughly
dominated a team at home from start to finish, was the 2006 49ers (a 41-0 victory that
wasn't even that close).
It's been eight years, Kansas City. We're due a laugher.
(ed hochuli voice) "Personal foul, horse collar, number 69
offense. Number 69 grabbed the defender
by the back of his jersey, between where the pads and the helmet have
separation, and drug him senselessly and violently to the ground. Therefore, the offense is assessed a 15 yard
penalty, and it will remain the down prior to the previous play that resulted
in a person foul against the offense."
For what it's worth, I do NOT believe this game will be close,
either way. Either the Chiefs are going
to continue to kick the Giants into a downward spiral they (probably) won't rally from ...
or the Giants are going to stand, and take out three weeks (especially last
week) of frustration, on the Chiefs.
(ed hochuli voice) (retaking the mic) "Check that -- personal foul against the offense, not person. Person is a noun, personal is an adjective. I fouled that up worse than the ending in denver against San Diego a few years ago. So that once again is a Personal Foul, 69, Offense, for a horse collar, and they will be assessed 15 yards that are penal in nature, and the down will be replayed, because by rule, that is what is required.)
We're getting a laugher ... one way or the other. We've had a LOT of them, the other way --
Atlanta and San Diego last year, Buffalo in 2011, for example. All examples of my favorite kind of Chiefs game, except in Bizarro World.
(the late, great red cashion voice) "Tripping, 69,
offense. Ten yard penalty on the play,
and it remains ... (wait for it ...) First Down!"
Look it, Chiefs fans? We've gotten
what we demanded. Competent
coaching? Check. Competent front office?* Check.
Competent Quarterback?
Check. Lockdown defense that
might be the best front seven in football?
Check. Decent receiver play? Check.
Solid ground game? Check. Penalty and Turnover Free Football? Check.
Solid special teams? Check.
Belief? Check. Hope?
Check.
Justified belief and hope?
We're about to find out.
(*: you want to know how amazingly fan-friendly this front office
is? After the parking gate debacle for
the home opener, all of us who purchased early-in passes, received a personal
email from our PR department not even fifteen minutes after the debacle (the time/date stamp is Sunday, September 15, 7:37am), apologizing for the mess, and crediting back my account for the screw up. That's the total 180 turn we're seeing gang -- the Chiefs are apologizing for NOT favoring the few, at the expense of everyone else! They're apologizing for treating everyone fairly!
Don't believe me?
That's customer service!)
--------------------
You may have noticed, a running thread in this prediction piece,
and that is constant penalties being called on "69, offense". This is done lovingly every year in favor of
one of the worst offensive linemen in NFL history, who somehow carved out an
eleven -- eleven! -- year career on (go figure) my two favorite teams, the Jets
and the Chiefs.
69, Offense.
Jeff Criswell.
Hang on, since I forgot a classic ref:
(the (late? I'm too lazy to
look), great dick hantak voice) "I see 69 is on the field. I assume he did something wrong. Let's call it five yards this time, and
replay the down."
He is atrocious -- or I should say, was atrocious -- at his
job. He was so adept at drawing
penalties, that Norman Chad, who used to write for SportsDay before hitting it
big announcing poker, cracked my all time favorite NFL joke in his weekly picks
column, the week after the Chiefs beat denver in KC in 1997 (the "Pete for
President" game). I include it
every year, because it never fails to make me laugh ... and because it's true.
"The League presented Chiefs LB Derrick Thomas with a
commemorative trophy, honoring his 100th sack of his career, against john elway
last week. The League also announced
that in honor of his 100th holding penalty, Chiefs G Jeff Criswell will be
presented with a flag."
Chiefs fans probably best remember Mr. Criswell (or at least I
do), for the defining moment of his career – Week Two 1997, at oakland. Everyone who bleeds Red and Gold remembers
what happened with 0:03 left – Grbac.
Rison. al davis’ house burned
down.
What people forget, is that because there was still time on the clock,
the Chiefs had to try the point after conversion, and elected to go for two (as
they led by one, 28-27, after the touchdown).
What happened next, is a thing of beauty.
Not one.
Not two.
Not three.
But four – FOUR consecutive false starts later, the Chiefs are
trying the two pointer at the raiders 22.
Folks? The coliseum was emptying
out. There was no crowd noise, just
stunned silence and disbelief that they’d lost.
And he still couldn’t hold his position, to get the snap off.
Even referee Gary Lane was laughing. Hell, even Marty was laughing at the Keystone Kops routine going on for the PAT.
Here's to hoping Mr. Criswell (and by all accounts, he's one helluva good guy) takes a weekend to give his number one fan the chance to throw a flag at him one last time.
--------------------
Sunday, Chiefs fans, is going to be what football was meant to be, and what until two weeks ago, it hasn't been around here in a very, very, very long time.
Because Sunday, Chiefs fans?
Is going to be FUN!
* at Chiefs (-4 1/2) 34, Giants 14. (Pause). What? (Pause). You're damned right my summer tan ain't gonna be fading just quite yet ...
