Friday, September 20, 2013

week three: moving week

"I'm doing this tonight;
You're probably gonna start a fight.
I know this can't be right --
Hey baby, come on ...

I loved you endlessly,
And you weren't there for me.
So now it's time to leave,
And make it alone.

I know that I can't take no more --
It ain't no lie.
I don't wanna see you out that door,
But baby?  

Bye bye bye!  (Bye bye!)

Don't wanna be a fool for you,
Just another player in your game for two!
You may hate me?  But it ain't no lie --
Baby?  Bye bye bye (bye bye)!

Don't really wanna make it tough;
I just wanna tell you that I've had enough!
It might sound crazy?  But it ain't no lie --
Baby?  Bye bye bye (bye bye)!"

-- "Bye Bye Bye" by NSYNC.

--------------------


Day Three of any PGA Tournament, is referred to as Moving Day.  The day the leaders separate from the field ... or collapse into the field.

Week Three of the NFL?  It's Moving Week.  Six teams a decent number of us viewed as playoff worthy entering the season (Giants, Redskins, Vikings, Panthers, Bucs, Steelers) are 0-2.  The only wins any team in the NFC East or AFC North have, are within the division.  The separation, and the race for the Lombardi, truly begins this week ...

Last Week ATS: 5-10-1. 
Season to Date ATS: 9-22-1. 

Last Week SU: 10-6-0. 
Season to Date SU: 18-14-0.

The Voice of Reason Last Week ATS: 5-10-1. 
The Voice of Reason Season to Date ATS: 13-17-2. 

(Note: Mr. Reason does not pick head-up winners.)

Last Week "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week: uuh, yeah.  So much for "Save Me San Francisco".
Season to Date "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week: 0-3.

This Week's "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week: Either I reach respectability ... or I bottom out.  Another two-fer!  Because I love, and I mean LOVE, two AFC Norris division home dogs.  Bengals (+2 1/2) over Packers, and Steelers (+3) over Bears.

The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets Predictions:

(As always, all lines courtesy Danny Sheridan via USA Today.)

* "Super" Chargers (+3) 30, at Titans 21.  I really like this Chargers team.  And I really don't like this Titans team, especially head coach Mike Munchak.  Mr. Munchak is so in over his head, I have no doubt that if he was to take the dog outside to take care of business?  Poor Spot would suffer a tragic accident involving an out-of-control big wheel, and the fire hydrant Spot was giving the business to.

* at Vikings (-7) 20, Browns 6.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Really?  There's an email in my inbox?  About this game?  Really, Stevo's Site Numero Dos Newly Hired Non-Existent Editor Dudette?  No fooling?

Well send it through!  Let's see what a reader of mine could POSSIBLY have to say, about a meaningless Vikings / Browns game, in which one team has already thrown the towel into the center of the ring, with this week's Trent Richardson trade (which, for the record, they stole that first rounder from Indy, for) ...

"Hello.  Gotta say, love the blog, love the effort, and you are truly the hottest as hell blogger to ever, uuh, blog.

My question is this: there are four dog games on the board this week.  So you know the "Good Times" and "Webster" games are in play.  And I know that means the "One Day at a Time" game is up for grabs. 

What craptacular 1970s / 1980s sitcom gets the fourth designation?

Keep up the good work!" -- Steve K, South KC.

You know what?  This Steve guy in South KC is one helluva bright individual.  I like this dude.  And that ... is one helluva difficult question to answer.

And there's only one way to answer it.

Cue the Salem the Cat voice ... ladies and gentlemen: it's time, for the "Tale of the Tape"!!!!

(kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two contenders.  Seven Questions.  One Outright Winner.

In this corner, weighing in at one hundred and ten pounds soaking wet, and missing an eye to boot, please welcome, from Fort Worth, Texas via my alma mater, Texas Christian University, the lovely Miss Sandy Duncan and "The Hogan Family"!!!!

And in the opposite corner, weighing in at two hundred pounds, if the cat is in his mouth, please welcome, from Melmac via the San Fernando Valley, the wacky Tanner family and "ALF"!!!

Question 1: The Sitcom's Premise.

"The Hogan Family": Sandy Duncan's character (and no, I am NOT looking up said character's name) moves to Chicago to live with her brother and help raise his three sons, after their mother is tragically killed in a car accident.

"ALF": a lovable furry wise-cracking alien crash-lands on Earth, after having to flee his home planet of Melmac for ... whatever reason(s).  (And no, I am NOT looking up, said reasons).

Winner: push.  We are all winners here.

Question 2: Best Theme Song.

"The Hogan Family" (click to listen).


Winner: "ALF".  I miss the days when craptacular shows were hemorrhaging viewers, so rather than, I don't know, come up with competent plot lines, believable acting, or just scrapping the show altogether for something of quality, networks instead decided that the solution to their fleeing audience numbers, was to jazz up the theme song.  And no show ever did it better, than "ALF" in season three.  Seriously -- the theme end with Gordon Shumway playing the damned sax, President Clinton on Arsenio Hall style.  Epic!

Question 3: Break-Out Star Made By This Show.

"The Hogan Family": you choose: Jason Bateman (who played the oldest son), or Josie Bissett (who played one of the younger sons' girlfriend).

"ALF": (crickets chirping ...)

Winner: "The Hogan Family".  Look it, Taylor McBride (played by Lisa Rinna) will always be my favorite character on "Melrose Place", and only the greatness that is Dr. Michael Mancini comes close to her.  But nobody -- and I mean nobody -- got me, uuh, "excited", to tune in each Monday, like Josie Bissett.  Good Lord, she was -- and still is -- drop dead gorgeous.

Question 4: Minor Star Made By This Show.

"The Hogan Family": the wacky neighbor next door (played by Edie McClurg), Mrs. Poole, who is best known for one of the funniest minute and a half stretches in movie history, in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles".

"ALF": the wacky neighbor next door (played by Liz Sheridan), Rochelle Ockmonic, who is best known for playing Jerry Seinfeld's mom on "Seinfeld".

Winner: "The Hogan Family".  "Welcome to Marathon.  May I help you?"

Question 5: The Father Moved On to Play ...

"The Hogan Family": Dylan McKay's father on "90210".

"ALF": Norm MacDonald's boss on "The Norm Show".

Winner: Push.  You pick between Dylan McKay's sideburns and Weiner Dog.  Because I can't.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well of course it's not a massage parlor like you think it is! (So they don't have sex with clients there?)  Oh.  Is that what you think a massage parlor is? Then yes, it is a massage parlor like you think it is.  Seriously folks -- hang on.  Mr. Vice President, care to chime in?

(vice president biden voice) Folks!  The Norm Show is the most underrated show in television history!  A three letter word-- show!

Thank you sir.

(The exact line begins at the 11:20 minute mark, but seriously, give this the twenty minutes it deserves.  It is so damned funny ... so damned funny.  "You'll have to forgive my colleague -- she's not informed on the intercourse related industry."  And another classic: "There is nothing sadder than a seventy year old prostitute ... except maybe her customers."  (Pause).  Yeah, this one might have to be added to the Stevo's Favorite TV Episodes Ever Lookback rewind list ... it was that good.) 

Question 6: Major Star Who Quit Show Under Protest.

"The Hogan Family": Valerie Harper, who played the mom killed in the car crash, necessitating the lovely Ms. Duncan's arrival.

"ALF": the entire cast, after the fourth season.

Winner: "ALF".  There's quitting a job ... and then there's every person on the set, walking out in disgust.

2-2-2 going to the finale.  And by Nick Bakay rules, "push" is not an option, for the final question.  Which is ...

Question 7: The Title of Every Episode, Is An Actual Song.

"The Hogan Family": nope.

"ALF": yup.

Winner, and new "Game O' The Week" designee when needed: "ALF".

There will be no lovely prices or departing gifts, for "The Hogan Family".

And Browns / Vikings, is your "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week"!

* at Patriots 24, Bucs (+7) 20.  Your "Webster Game O' The Week"!

* at Ravens (+2 1/2) 30, Texans 20.  Ooh.  Ooh!  This one has potential!  This could have humongous ramifications come January -- the winner of this one, might be your two seed, and the loser drops to three or four, and faces the extra game.

* at Cowboys (-4) 31, Rams 24.  The Rams are feisty.  And frisky.  And I love the words feisty and frisky.  But the Rams are not winners.  At least not on Sunday.

* at Saints (-7) 45, "Super" Cardinals 13.  To think that a mere four years ago, this was a Divisional Round showdown that ended Kurt Warner's career.  Now?  It's your "One Day at a Time Game O' The Week"!!!

* at Redskins (-2) 31, Lions 13.  Why, you ask, did I pick that score?  Why, you ask, did I pick the Redskins to win comfortably, when clearly there's something wrong with this team?

Easy.  Zero and twenty.  That's the Lions' all-time record in the District.  Here, courtesy of pro-football-reference.com, are you actual results:



* at Bengals (+2.5) 24, Packers 20.  This, is the best game on the board this week, by far.  Should be really fun to watch. 

* Giants (pick) 31, at Panthers 20.  Put it this way: do YOU want an 0-3 Giants team rolling into the First Church of Arrowhead in ten days, with its season literally on the line?  Because I sure as hell don't.

* Falcons (+2) 34, at Dolphins 13.  Yes, I am aware the Dolphins are 2-0.  Yes, I am aware they are not just 2-0, they are 2-0 on the road.  Yes, I am well aware they're not only 2-0, not only 2-0 on the road, but they're 2-0 in the conference to boot.  Their next six weeks?  vs Falcons / at Saints (MNF) / vs Ravens / bye / vs Bills / at Patriots.  Go better than 1-4 in that stretch, then get back with me.

* at 49ers 34, Colts (+10) 30.  This line is a solid four points too high.  Also, Indy's next six weeks?  At 49ers / at Jaguars / vs Seahawks / at Chargers (MNF) / vs broncos (SNF) / bye.  Go better than 1-4 in that stretch, then get back to me.

* at Seahawks 28, Jaguars (+19 1/2) 13.  This feels like a letdown game, doesn't it?  The Ol' Milton Berle Game, where the Seahawks give a half-assed effort against a half-assed opponent, to save the energy and effort (and ideally healthy bodies) for when they actually need it?  Seattle's next six weeks: vs Jaguars / at Texans / at Colts / vs Titans / at Cardinals (Thurs) / at Rams (MNF).  I'd aim to get up a couple touchdowns quick, and then kick the feet back, take the shirt off, and work on the tan, if I was the Seahawks.

Oh, and before I forget ...

Good Times!  Anytime you need a payment?
Good Times!  Anytime you need a friend?
Good Times!  Anytime you're out from under?
Not gettin' hassled!  Not gettin' hustled!

Keepin' yo head above water!
Makin' a wave when you can!

Temporary layoffs?  Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs?  Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'?  Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line?  Good Times!

Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
Na Na Na Na Na -- Good Times!!!!!

(Pause).  Yeah.  This game is so awful?  You're getting the ending too!




(Pause).  You're damned right the readers are welcome.

* at Steelers (+3) 17, Bears 13.  There is nobody -- and I mean nobody -- who loves to wager on proven veteran teams, playing at home, in prime time, with their season hanging in the balance.  Win on Sunday night, take care of business at Wembley against the Vikings next week, and hit the bye at .500, and rest up. 

* at broncos 24, raiders (+15) 21.  Weird things tend to happen when these two play in prime time.  Especially in denver.

Also, a friendly Stevo's Site Numero Dos reminder: if terrorists target and strike fake mile high during this game, it is not a national tragedy.  It is a cause for a national celebration.  This game is one of only two times a year, a terrorist attack is not a bad thing at an event.  (The other being the reciprocal meeting at the black hole, which this year is in Week 17.)

The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet Of The Week:

Ladies and gentlemen?  Dudes and dudettes?  Peoples and peepettes?

I give you, "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman, from the fourth quarter, of Thursday's Eagles / Chiefs game, on Twitter.


Uuh ... what?  Who?  "Marty" Reid?

Marty Reid ... and yes, I know what the Klassy One was going for ... hang on, let me welcome in my good buddy Brett, to explain that yes, there is an actual Marty Reid in sports ... and he's atrocious.

(brett voice) Marty Reid is the play-by-play voice for the IndyCar series on ABC and ESPN.  He is well known in the motorsports community for his competent broadcasting, vivid descriptions, and for NOT being a combination of former Chiefs coach Marty Schottenheimer, and current Chiefs coach "Fat" Andy Reid.  The visual evidence:


Thanks, buddy.

And Klassy Kev'?  Ol' Buddy, Ol' Pal, Ol' Amigo?  

If you're gonna crack a "funny" joke on Twitter?  At least let it be funny ... and not make me (and at least one other reader of this site) immediately think of the great Marty Reid.

That reader?  Oh, he's up next!

"The Voice of Reason"'s Reason:

First, the "Judgment Day ... with Judgment Ray" Adams picks ... and somehow, he only went 4-2 last week:



And ... "The Voice of Reason", although unlike usual -- yes, unedited other than for font and size ... but I added the link, to my initial thoughts, of the "Fat" Andy Reid hiring, to save you having to search for it.  (Pause).  You're damned right you're welcome.

Week 3 Picks:
Philly -3 (moves me to 0-3 on Thursday night games and 1-2 on Chiefs games)
Ten -3 (SD is overrated and Ten is underrated.  In fact at Ten is the Chiefs toughest game until denver)
Min -6.5 (It’s going to be a helluva battle between cle and jax for the #1 pick)
NE -7 (TB might give cle and jax a run, too)
Balt +2.5 (Defending champs getting points at home?  Yes, please)
Dal -3.5 (Dallas is a really good team.  I was impressed last week)
Az +7 (Bruce Arians might win coach of the year again.  Dude is nails)
Det pk (Skins should win, but I get the feeling Suh might destroy RGIII’s knee)
Cin +3 (Love the home doggies)
NYG +1 (No way the g men are as bad as they’ve been the first two weeks)
Atl +1 (The dolphins come crashing back to reality)
Indy +10 (Colts are too good to be a double digit dog to anyone)
Jax +19 (I’ll always, always, always take 19 points in the NFL)
NYJ -1 (Should be a pretty good game, but I’ll take the home team)
Pitt +2 (I love home dogs on primetime games)
Oak +15 (They will shock the world and make this a one possession game on MNF)

The Reason:
Steve has referenced it before, but no one loves long, boring, meticulous, grinding drives more than me.  I’ve been known to have drives lasting an entire half (5 min Q) in NCAA and Madden.  Last night in the fourth quarter when the game was in the balance and stuck in poor field position because of a muffed kick return, the Chiefs…did….just….that.  15 plays, 75 yards, 8:15, EIGHT MINUTES, FIFTEEN SECONDS, and 3 points…..ball game.  You rarely see drives in the NFL these days lasting 5+ minutes, so a drive that lasts 8 minutes in the 4th quarter after the other team pulled to one possession and the game is on the line…damn….impressive.  Lots of people will complain about the lack of TDs last night, and that is a fair concern, but when the game was on the line, both the offense and defense stepped up and shut the door on the eagles. But the drive…boy, it was a thing of beauty.  Rodney Hudson, Alex Smith, Jamal Charles, Donnie Avery, Sean McGrath, Knile Davis, Anthony Sherman, Dwayne Bowe, and AJ Jenkins all touched the ball on this drive. That’s a lot…and it worked.  These kinds of drives are what separates Alex Smith/Andy Reid/Doug Pederson from Matt Cassel/Romeo Crennel/Brian Doebel.  Despite what Steve thinks of the Andy Reid hiring (please revisit his notes from the hiring), this is what championship quality football is all about.  (Dan Dierdorf voice) I’m…I’m just happy to be here.

Oh, and let’s go Royals! 10 games in 10 days…let’s do this!

The only thing I disagree with?  Our toughest game between now and denver on November 17th ... is at the Ralph, to open November.  Again -- the last time the Chiefs won at Buffalo ... the Royals were your defending World Series champions.

The Flashback: Chiefs vs Eagles.

The only two meaningful games I can think of between these squads, both occurred at Arrowhead in the Richard A. Vermeil era.  Both were national TV games.

And both were Chiefs losses.

In 2001, Jeffrey Loria was "welcome(d) to a real NFL stadium", as the Eagles beat us here in a Thursday night game.

In 2005, the Eagles fell behind 17-0 and 23-6 in the stand-alone late game TV slot on FOX ... before scoring the next 31 points, eventually winning 37-30.  The loss cost the 2005 Chiefs the (jim mora sr. voice) playoffs!, as with a win, they'd have been the last team in.

The last AFC team in, in 2005?

Was your Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers.

Son of a ...

The Poem:

(No poem this week due to the Chiefs playing a road game.)

The Jets "These Guys Aren't Half Bad" Prediction:

EJ Manuel!  Geno Smith!  Doug Marrone!  Rex Ryan!  Bills!  Jets!  Fake Meadowlands!  Only on ... CBS!

This is the time of the season when, as a Jets fan, you begin to get delusional.  You're expecting a 3-13 nightmare of a season ... then all of a sudden, Ed Hochuli hands you victory from the jaws of defeat in week one, via an utter (seventh day adventist voice) fertilizer personal foul call on the last-gasp desperation drive.  Then, expecting to get tuned to the, uuh, tune, of 62-6 ... they put up a very respectable effort on the road, in Foxboro to boot, only losing by three, and hanging tough all evening long.

And now, an at-best mediocre Bills team rolls into the swamps of North Jersey, themselves a fluke last-second drive to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat away from being 0-2. 

Salty.  Definitely a frisky situation.

Then you look at the schedule.  Next week ... at the Titans.  That's winnable.  Week Five ... oh, well, but we wrote off that Monday Nighter at Atlanta the day the schedule came out.  Week Six ... Steelers in the Fake Meadowlands.  They might still be winless.  There's a chance this team might be 4-2 when New England rolls into the Fake Meadowlands in week seven!  There's a chance!  (marty schottenheimer voice) There's a gleam men!  There's a gleam!  There’s a …

(alarm) (goes off).
(stevo) (wakes up).
(stevo) (realizes this was a dream).
(stevo) (string of expletives leave his mouth).

* Bills (+2 1/2) 31, at Jets 13.

The Chiefs Prediction:

For the record, I had *at Eagles (-3) 31, Chiefs 24, as my official pick last night.

And I could not be happier, to be wrong.

Which sets up one HELLUVA showdown, next Sunday, at high noon.

FOX has the late national game ... and honestly, which would you rather watch:

* Philly at denver.
* Dallas at San Diego.
* Washington at oakland.

Yeah -- every single NFC East team is on the road next week, at an AFC West opponent.

Has that ever happened before?  I'm too lazy to do the research, but seriously, has one division ever been on the road, as one, against another division before?

Especially out of the conference?

One of those things that fascinates me, I guess ... and only me.

Anyways, you can be certain -- Giants at Chiefs, will NOT be the "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week".

I told The Voice of Reason last night, that I haven't been this pumped for a game, since the donkeys Thanksgiving Night game seven years ago.  I also noted on Facebook, that I hope the Chiefs give the first drum-banging to "Brave" Bennie Sapp, who taunted denver in a way no heroic Chief ever has, before or since, on that epic night seven Novembers ago.

Sunday?  Is simply put, THE biggest regular season game, entering it, since that Thanksgiving Night showdown, for our Red N Gold.

(I know -- the 2006 finale against Jacksonville wound up being bigger ... but nobody thought we had a meaningful shot at the playoffs, entering that day, especially me.)

We've waited seven years for this day, Chiefs fans.

Or if you think beating the donkeys to get the right to get rolled at Indy was our biggest game in seven years, entering it?

Then go back ten.  To October 3, 2003.  Week Five. 

Chiefs.  broncos.  Both 4-0.

That's how long it's been, since MEANINGFUL football was played, in this city.

I currently plan to be at The K on Sunday, for the last Royals home game of the season, for their first pennant race in ten years.  And really, it's the first in eighteen -- not since 1995, have the Royals been at least a flyer bet to make the playoffs, with ten games to go.

And I will most assuredly be at Arrowhead next Sunday, as this Chiefs team -- which is beginning to earn two happy words to it: feisty ... and frisky -- has the chance to all but doom the Giants season, and take our season from "hey, this might not be half bad" ... to (major league groundskeepers voice) "these guys aren't sh*tty".

We'll be there early -- I'm redeeming the "early in" pass the Chiefs graciously re-comped me, after the debacle of the home opener entrance.  

If you're a Chiefs fan?  They've given you a reason to be there.

I'll welcome you with open arms, and a libation, if you want to do your part, and cheer on this team to its first 4-0 start since Dante Hall's second-chance kickoff return at Baltimore ten years ago.

But -- and this is the one, and probably only time, I'll ever say this -- IF you'd rather sit on the couch, and watch the Royals and White Sox, with the wildcard on the line?

I'll forgive your inability to show up.

Because I pray to GOD above ... I'm calling in drunk on Tuesday, after a Chiefs win Sunday, and the first Royals playoff win in twenty eight years, on Monday.

Come on, Boyz N Blue!!!  #sweeptexas  #believe!

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