Thursday, June 28, 2018

big brother power poll 1.0

"Here you come again.
Just when I'd begun
To get myself together.

You waltz right in the door,
Just like you've done before.
And wrapped my heart
Around your little finger ...

Here you come again.
Just when I'm about to
Make it work without you.

You look into my eyes,
And lies those pretty lies,
And pretty soon I'm wondering,
How I came to doubt you ...

All you gotta do?
Is smile that smile,
And there go all my defenses!

Yeah, just leave it up to you,
And in a little while?
You're messing up my mind,
And filling up my senses!

Here you come again!
Looking better than a body
Has a right to!

And shaking me up so,
That all I really know?
Is here you come again --
And here I go! ..."

-- "Here You Come Again" by Dolly Parton.

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I don't watch much reality television.  For starters, most of it is abject unadulterated sh*t.  I don't need to keep up with the Kardashians.  I don't need to know who or what a real housewife of "insert insanely rich community here" is.  I don't need to know who in America has got talent.  And I don't need to see a bunch of ridiculously sexy young singles vying for a rose every week.

(That's true, believe it or not.  I'm probably the only person under 45 in this country that can say he has never seen even 0:01 of an episode of "The Bachelor" or its various spinoffs.)

But -- but! -- there is one indefensible reality show I, uuh, indefensibly watch, and that is Big Brother.

My goal in life is to be cast on this show someday.  Because let's face it: there is no way in hell that you can possibly name anyone you know, that is better at drinking in the sun with a shirt off, than me.  I excel at that.

So here then, is the first Big Brother Power Poll for Season Twenty.  I should note three things going in:

(1) this is based on how entertaining the contestant is to me.  Not you.  It's my site, so I can get away with that.

(2) this is based on how likely it is, that I could form at least a frenemy alliance with said contestant, when I appear on this show someday.  And ...

(3) looks count.  Especially if you're a chick.

Got it?  Good.  Let's go.

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(julie chen voice) BUT FIRST!  As I try to do every season I remember to do this Power Poll, I answer the questionaire CBS gave all prospective contestants.  I defy you, to find even six houseguests more "qualified" to be on this show, than me.  (shinedown voie) I dare you to!

* Three Adjectives That Describe You (And Why): 

Disappointment (trust me, my life is a train wreck of Thomas and Friends on top of the bridge proportions); Sarcastic (I think I have a solid sense of smart-ass humor); Loyal (I've never turned my back on a true friend, and never will).

* Favorite Activities:

Sit in the sun and drink, t-shirt nowhere to be found.
Tailgating (which is essentially the prior item, most of the time).
Trivia (was this really ten freaking years ago now?!?!?!).

* What Do You Think Will Be the Most Difficult Part of Living In the Big Brother House:

Easy -- tolerating the nine to ten abject dumb f*ck idiots central casting put in there.  Last year's winner (Josh) and I would have been verbally throwing down within twenty minutes.  I hate dumb f*ck idiocy more than anything, save for self-righteous hypocrisy.

* Which Past Big Brother Cast Member Did You Like the Most: 

Jeff from BB 11; Jason from BB 3; and Derrick from BB 16.

* Do You Have a Strategy For Winning the Game:

No, because if you come in married to something, it'll bite you in the ass.

* My Life's Motto Is:

(5) If you ever find yourself asking what matters more to you, the person or the money, the answer is always the money.

(4) It's never too early for the first drink of the day.

(3) If you ever make a decision, and find that everyone's reaction to that decision is to note "you've have to be mentally retarded or named Stevo to have done that", just assume you f*cked up.

(2) I come from a long line, of sinners like me.

(1) I don't wanna be anything?  Other than me.

* What Would You Take Into the House:

As many handles of Weller as allowed.
As many cases of Dr. Pepper as allowed.
My Chiefs Tervis glass to mix those two things together in.

I'm guessing that would last a month, tops.

* A Few Fun Facts About Yourself:

I am (probably) the only pro-life Democrat left.

I once had a "Night That Will Live in Infamy" with a stripper, a cripple, and a chick with a mustache.

I once told Ed Hearn to his face that he was the "son of a b*tch we traded David Cone for".

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And now, Power Poll 1.0, 2018.

16. Angie / "Rockstar".  She terrifies me, if I'm being perfectly honest.  She freaking terrifies me.  Also, the deal with her hair, dying it ridiculous colors -- reminds me too much of "The Ex".  It's not a good look on either "Rockstar" or The Ex, again, if I'm being perfectly honest.

15. Angela.  I'm not a New Age / Experiemental Religion type of dude.  Hell, I haven't stepped foot in a credible religious service for any reason save a funeral or wedding since my nieces were baptized seven years ago.  Not a fan so far.  But -- but! -- she is good looking.

14. Steve.  Mad kudos for shouting "this will be the Summer of Steve" when departing for the BB House.  Everything else about him, not a fan of.  Most especially this whole undercover narc stuff.  Dude.  Some of us need our "rapidly becoming more legal herbal product", and it ain't medicinally legal in Missouri yet.  Chill, dude.  Chill.

13. Sam.  I greatly admire people who let their dog sleep in the bed with them.  But God bless, that trailer she lives in looks like it just survived a tornado.  And seriously, living in a trailer in your folks back yard?  No matter how drunk and/or degenerate my life has become at times, I have NEVER slept in a trailer in my parents back yard.  (But you've passed out drunk in their front yard, right?)  Hell yes I have.  What's your point?

12. Bayleigh.  I almost bumped her a few spots because she actually made KCI look like a second world airport.  I almost bumped her a few more spots because she's the local girl (she's from Lee's Summit ... which is less than ten miles, from where I am typing this, in South Waldo).  Then I realized that she's not only the token angry black chick the house gangs up on by week four to remove ... but she hijacked my (never gonna happen) future daughter's name!  How dare you madam!  (judge judy voice) That's outrageous behavior by your parents!

(Although I'd spell mine Bailey.  And spare me the "Grey's Anatomy!  Sweet!" crappy replies -- I have multiple people who can confirm I would name my first son Shea Marcus, and first daughter Bailey Nicole, and it's been that way since those two god-awful weeks in high school when we had to be "parents" to our "precious little one".  I mean, come on.  Taking care of a f*cking egg for two weeks is going to make you think twice about (h-town voice) rockin' knockin' da boots?  (chad ochocinco voice) Child, please!)

(Also, let's all thank God above the condom has never broke, the birth control has never failed, and/or the latest regret in my life, had the common sense to visit CVS or Walgreens (maureen mcgovern voice) the morning after.  Because if there is anyone not even remotely fit to be a parent in this life, it's me.)

11. Kaycee.  She terrifies me, y'all.  A woman's professional football player, tatted up the wazoo to boot.  She f*cking terrifies me, y'all.

10. Winston.  I got nothing.  Which is probably good early on, if you want to win this game.

9. Tyler.  Jesus.  I mean, what else is there to say.  The dude has a palm tree tatted on his ribcage.  Not even Vince's tats are that ridiculous.  Although, I do have to admit, that, uuh, admitting up front his weakness entering this game is "my brain", was refreshingly honest.

8. Kaitlyn.  Those of you who went to high school with me will get this: look at that girls face and tell me that's not Hannah.  Tell me that's not Hannah with a cheap spray-on tan.

7. Rachel.  As Entertainment Weekly's recap of the premiere noted, the girl from Vegas' last name is Swindler.  Sh*t this good don't write itself, folks.

6. Faysal.  My pick to win this thing ... if only because I cannot wait for Muslim America to express its' outrage over one of their own screwing and lying and scheming and sexing his way to the peak of the mountain.  He ain't waiting for those 72 virgins, that's for sure.  I predict he and Numero Cinco will hook up within the first week.

5. Haleigh.  Other than the fact she's an Aggie, and not a Horned Frog, she has no discernable flaws I have noticed.  If anything, she's four slots too low.

4. Brett.  He reminds me of someone who used to be my best friend.  I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry over that, at this point.  Either way, I kind of dig people that are so self-confident, smug, and arrogant to the point of repulsion.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  No, I don't think that describes me!  Why would you ask that?!?!?!  :)

3. Scottie.  Not even thirty minutes in last night, and he caused a "wardrobe malfunction" because he couldn't control his, uuh, manhood, at hugging a cute girl.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Aw hell no, I don't think that describes me!  (Pause).  Fine.  It does describe me.

2. Chris / "Swaggy C".  Ranking second is no knock on "Swaggy C".  Not even close.  It's just that ... well ... how to put this delicately ...

1. JC.  ("the voice of reason" voice) You can never go wrong with monkeys and/or midgets!

He's a midget.  He's gay.  He's from (ricky ricardo voice) Cooba.  He's hysterical.  He's hands down, one night in, the best initial contestant in BB history.  A gay midget Cuban.  Jesus, this is gonna be fun to watch unfold!

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As always, until next time, hey!

(stg. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...

(cue the greatest tv theme song of all time ... as worked out by me (george harrison voice) all those years ago ... )

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