big brother 6.0 ... and a lost mailbag ...

What a great week! Ragan verbally b*tch slaps Rachel into her place. Brendon floating alone in the pool toasting himself on his luxury night out. And Mrs. Les Moonves actually saying the saboteur unleashed a "reign of terror" on the house. That's comedy's at its finest!

To say nothing of Matt blindsiding the game with one of the cheapest pieces of bling ever unleashed upon the house. Seriously, that thing fell apart the second he tried to put it on. Way to spend on the props, CBS!

This week's Big Brother Likeability Poll, followed by a television-heavy fake mailbag. What a way to end your Friday!

Big Brother Likeability Poll 6.0:

13. Annie (eliminated). As worthless a contestant as this show has ever seen.

12. Monet (eliminated). Which one was she again? Oh yeah, the token annoying black chick who thinks the world is owed to her.

11. Andrew (eliminated). I'm still trying to figure out how slop can be kosher. And why he was drinking non-Maneschewitz wine.

10. Kristen (eliminated). The curse of the unitard strikes again.

9. Rachel (eliminated). Seriously, how classic was that verbal b*tch slap this week that Ragan unloaded on her? "You're as ugly (of a person) as your hair plugs!" "Everything about you is fake! Your fake tits, your fake hair! The only thing real about you is the pimples on your chin!" Her expression at the end of that exchange was just priceless. She looked more hopeless / clueless / frustrated than me after losing yet again in washers to Dusty. Goodbye and good riddance beyotch!

8. Kathy (eliminated). How did she last this long?

7. Enzo (10, 7, 2, 6, 5). I ranked him last of the remaining house guests only because he's a f*cking idiot. He's a disgrace to the fedora. If Britney is smart, she puts up Enzo and Hayden this week, hopes Brendon or herself wins PoV, and sends this guy packing next Thursday.

6. Hayden (6, 7, 1, 1, 1). At least he has the Bieber haircut working for him. Because not much else is.

5. Brendon (7, 2, 2, 3, 4). His luxury vacation was just priceless. Especially the voice-over echo of "Rachel!" I should have rated him lower, because he honestly didn't seem to realize that Matt just completely outwitted and outplayed him, and basically left him powerless as HoH. But Enzo really is that f*cking stupid. Brendon's in an interesting place. He's not going to get more than two jury votes (he would get Rachel, and possibly Kathy), so the houseguests would be smart to keep dragging him along. On the other hand, he's hated by everyone, so he might be gone by Thursday. Should be some interesting nominations this week.

4. Lane (3, 5, 10, 10, 10). Probably would have survived the vote last night if it had been heads up against Matt, but still, its probably a good thing for him that he never had to find out. Loved his "you totally ruined my speech" line to Matt, that was classic. He's probably the safest person this week not named "Britney".

3. Ragan (2, 4, 4, 5, 13). An all time classic verbal throwdown, showdown, (coach fambrough voice) hoedown! with Rachel this week. He won $20k for surviving as the two week saboteur ... but I'm still trying to figure out exactly how leaving a piece of paper underneath someone's pillow is unleashing a "reign of terror".

2. Britney (1, 3, 3, 7, 12). Won HoH by out-smarting Enzo. Which is a bit like saying you won an ass kicking contest by beating a one legged dude. But still, she's by far and away the funniest person in the house, and now she's in the strongest spot as we hit the stretch run (and a double-elimination week).

1. Matt (4, 1, 9, 8, 3). Definitely the best player in the game. And nobody in the house is picking up on it. He is manipulating everyone at this point, and everyone seems clueless as to the manipulation. He's definintely entering Dr. Will territory for smartest player ever.

And now, a few comments before hitting a "Lost" heavy mailbag that I've been working on for a while ...

* For those of you who didn't know ... I have accepted a new job. Hence the complete lack of posting for a while. Same company, same floor, but different department. I'm working for an old boss of mine from "former employer", which has been great. Still, its been a long month, training my replacement while learning the new job. But its been worth it so far. If only to know that once I walk out the door at night, the work for the day is over. So thanks for all the support and hopefully, this change is what I need to drag me out of my depressed rut I've been in for awhile.

* Since everyone seems to have an opinion on this thing, I might as well weigh in to.

To the conservatives, most of whom are of a religious persuasion, who are so vehemently opposed to building the Muslim cultural center two blocks from Ground Zero, I ask you this. What is it about people of a different faith that scares you so much?

Here's a news flash to you people: nobody gives a damn what you have to say anymore. Your days of ruling this nation by fear, intimidation, and scare tactics are rapidly coming to a close. There's a reason why most people don't walk through your doors on Sunday morning anymore. We're sick of you hijacking a religion to spread your extremist agenda. Sound familiar guys? Misguided zealots of a faith using that faith to justify their extreme agenda? It should sound familiar -- that's what 9/11 was! Islamic radicals justifying mass violence and terror by jihad. I'm not saying using Christianity to deny basic rights to other people equals terrorism ... but it certainly is a bastardization of the faith, is it not? You seek to deny homosexuals equal rights under the idea that sleeping with someone is a sin. It may be, that's certainly your right to believe as you want. But it's not a crime. It's not against the law. You seek to deny religious freedom to all people under the guise that 19 people who took over four airplanes 9 years ago somehow speak for 1 billion plus Islamists worldwide. Again, believe what you want, but the whole point of religious freedom, of religious tolerance, is that everyone has an equal right to express themselves within reason.

And worst of all, you seek to destroy the Presidency of MY President, of YOUR President, with ridiculous lies, rumors, and innuendos about his religious leanings. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the religious right's big b*tch fest of the 2008 campaign over where President Obama went to church? A CHRISTIAN church with a crazy pastor? So if you accept he was a Christian then, what's changed in two years? Certainly not your irrational fear of having someone who isn't "one of us" run the country. If anything, that's only gotten stronger.

Furthermore, have any of you conservative wingnuts bothered to research exactly what the proposal for this site is? Its a cultural center, not a mosque. Its not at Ground Zero -- hell, its not even on the WTC site. Its two blocks away, in an abandoned building. The imam proposing to run this joint, is not an extremist, he's not a threat to national security, he is anything but. He's an FBI informant for Christ's sake. Former President Bush used him as an envoy to the Muslim community post-9/11 to attempt to reinforce that we were not waging war on Islam, but on terrorism. THIS is what you're scared of? THIS is what you oppose? THIS is what you seek to destroy, to denigrade?

Next time, before you open your mouths, before you take to the airwaves, before you take to Facebook and Twitter, please do me a favor. Think back over the last decade, the non-stop b*tching about how those of us on the left have launched a "war on Christmas", on how Christians in this country are "persecuted", on how we're "removing God from our society" ... and then think about your reaction this week to the proposed cultural center over 600 feet away from any part of the WTC complex. This week, you've become what you despise, guys. You've become your own enemy. Next time, think before you react. Maybe then people on my side of the debate will actually bother to listen to what you have to say.

Moving on before I completely piss off whatever semblance of readership remains on this site ...

Here's a somewhat lengthy fake mailbag to polish off the post. Mostly about "Lost". So if you don't like "Lost", you can feel free to "let go" and "move on" to something else ...

“This is a place that you all made together, so that you could find one another. The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you. To remember. And to let go.”

-- Christian Shepherd, next to last scene of “Lost” finale.

“It worked”.

What more needs to be said.

Lots of fake questions about “Lost” that you, the “fake” readers, have asked me over the last two months. (Plus other television thoughts of mine that the “emails” inspired). Yup, it’s another installment of everyone’s favorite feature, the Fake Mailbag!

* “Now that it’s all said and done, did you actually like the sideways payoff?” – Megan K, formerly of Berlin.

Like it? I freaking loved it!

I loved that the premise the show was founded on, the “either we live together, or we die alone” line, was completely proven accurate, no matter what life you’re in. In one profound statement at that -- “Nobody does it alone, Jack.”

Nobody does it alone. Either in this life, or the next one. Look it, I get why critics bagged on those final moments, and I somewhat understand it. But when you grasp the larger picture, it’s just a perfect finish to as close of a perfect show as you’ll get on network (aka “censored”) television.

We all experience ups and downs in life. Highs and lows. Good times, bad times. But the one common thread … is that we don’t experience them in a vacuum. Every decision, every outcome, affects more than just us.

Furthermore, just because negative things happen … just because unplanned events knock you back, you can’t let it consume you. Its one thing to remember. But at some point, (cavo voice) you need to let it go. Because you can’t move on to what is next in life, whether this life or another one, until you do “let go”.

Good God, I’m going to miss this show. In fact …

* “So was “The End” your favorite episode of TV ever? I mean, you just devoted a whole page of this potentially historically long post to one friggin scene …” – Brent S, Johnson County.

Nope. Wasn’t even in my top 11 episodes of “Lost” (more below). “The End” was great, but not epically great. (Which I’m ok with. I didn’t expect greatness at the end – season six, uuh, came early with episode 11. It nutted again with the Jack / Locke scene in the penultimate episode. By episode 18, it was spent. See, who says I can’t make anything into a porn-friendly post!)

My 11 favorite TV episodes ever, in no particular set-in-stone order save for number one, 90 minutes of television greatness that has yet to be approached, let alone surpassed:

11. “The Chrismukkuh?”, season four of “The OC”. “The Rainy Day Women” was probably a better episode, but this episode is my favorite. Ryan realizes Taylor is the one for him, although it took an alternative universe and (finally) dealing rationally with Marissa’s death for the realization to dawn on him.

10. “What a Day For a Daydream”, the 200th episode of “Roseanne”. Yes, the final season had its issues, and I know nobody (including me) loved the “win the lottery” twist, but this episode (the 3rd of the final season) is tear-inducing funny. The season went to sh*t after this one for a solid ten episodes, finally course-correcting when they bribed John Goodman into coming back for the last half of the season. But this episode showed the potential the lottery plot had.

9. Season six top three, “American Idol”. Season six was my favorite season of “Idol”. Blake Lewis is still my favorite “Idol” contestant ever. He absolutely kicked ass and took names that night, nailing “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5, and then delivering a sick rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone”. Thankfully, America agreed with Steve (and his non-stop text voting) … and sent Melinda Doolittle home, setting up Blake v Jordin in … well, yeah, she destroyed him. But still. For one shining moment, the underdog pulled through on this show.

8. “2162 Votes”, season six of “The West Wing”. Sure, “Two Cathedrals” was better, but seeing a convention play out the way it does in “2162 Votes” was dynamic for a political junkie like me. My favorite hour of the show.

7. “Going Home / Pretrial Blues / Mr. Shore Goes to Town”, season seven of “The Practice”. “The Practice” used to be THE “cigar show” for me. Every Sunday night, 9pm. Me, the back deck, a Macanudo Maduro, and an hour of television. A perfect way to end the weekend, and prep for the work week ahead. Season six kind of destroyed it for me (although in hindsight, season six holds up quite well), with ridiculous plot lines, one absolutely “no way in hell this would ever happen” story twist, and a general “we’re just here for the paycheck” type of feel to the season.

Amazingly, ABC agrees to bring back “The Practice” for one final swan song, gutting half the cast, and bringing in James Spader as Alan Shore. This three episode arc from mid-season launched not one, but two careers on the network, as Shore’s character “goes home” to defend Patrick Stewart’s character, Paul, accused of murdering his mistress. The arc also relaunched the career of Betty White, as her Catherine Piper character was so popular that she was added to the spin-off of “The Practice” known as “Boston Legal” that this story arc launched.

And the final scene of this epic story arc? Chill inducing. Absolutely chill inducing. Too bad the show descended back into the ridiculous after this by introducing Denny Crane.

6. “The Merv Griffin Show”, final season of “Seinfeld”. One of the only half hours of television guaranteed to have me crying by the end from laughing so hard. I wasn’t (and still am not) a huge “Seinfeld” fan, but this episode is comedic gold.

5. “The Man Behind the Curtain”, the 3rd season of “Lost”. Which is just on the heels of …

4. “Through the Looking Glass”, the 3rd season finale of “Lost”. Guess I just gave away my favorite “Lost” episode, huh? More on this below.

3. “Mud Bowl”, from the first season of “Friday Night Lights”. Possibly the best hour of television NBC has ever aired. Basically, Dillon is hosting the semi-final game … only, an industrial accident shuts down the school. Refusing to give up his home-field advantage, Coach goes searching for a “suitable replacement field”, finally settling on converting a cow pasture into a makeshift stadium. Cue thirty minutes of some of the sweetest on-field action ever filmed. As Julie noted in the final scene, “no matter what happens after this, I will always love you”. That’s how I felt (and still do) about this show, and especially this episode.

2. “Pilot” of “Swingtown”. God f*cking bless it, why did more people not give this show a chance! Specifically CBS, which tragically cancelled it after only one season, gutlessly choosing to cave to the religious right’s ridiculous b*tching about daring to show life how it was 25 years ago. “The Cabin” was the best episode the show aired (honestly, all 13 episodes rocked), but the Pilot episode had to be damned near perfect for the premise to stick. It was, and it did.

(And to the writers credit, they knew it. Entertainment Weekly had a huge article on the debut of “Swingtown”, and the writers noted that “the 34 minute mark either makes or breaks the show”. That’s the moment Susan pops the Quaalude, agreeing to what is to come. If you don’t buy that scene, you don’t buy into the series. Me? I bought it hook, line, and sinker. And you would too, if you give the pilot episode a chance. Spend the $2.49 on iTunes and view it. Its an amazing 43 minutes of television, that will having you purchasing the remaining 12 episodes as soon as you can).

But the undisputed champ …

1. “Hearts and Souls”, the final episode for Jimmy Smits on “NYPD Blue”. The greatest episode prime-time television has ever recorded and broadcast. 13 years later, it still holds up incredibly well. Amazingly, season seven of “Blue” was my favorite … and yet, my three favorite episodes of “Blue” are all from season six. This one is the best though.

Meanwhile, back on The Island …

* “So what was your favorite moment from the final season? Had to be Sawyer and Juliet’s awakening, right?” – Ashley N, Overland Park.

You would think that. I honestly would have thought that. But … no. My eleven favorites from the final season:

11. Hurley and Libby finally share a picnic, “Everyone Loves Hugo”. Not much else to say. Michael shooting (and killing) Libby kept it from happening on-Island. In the flash sideways world, with no Michael to deal with, it finally happened. And Hugo was woked up. If “woked up” is a phrase. Which I guess it is now.

10. Ben changes the oxygen tank for his father, “Dr. Linus”. I freaking LOVED the complete reversal of fortune in this scene. Instead of gassing his unloving, alcoholic, abusive father in the DHARMA van to begin The Purge, instead its Ben changing out the oxygen to let his father live. I’m telling you, the Flash Sideways story telling devise was golden. Absolutely golden.

9. Smokey goes ape sh*t crazy in the Temple, “Sundown”. The coolest action scene “Lost” ever filmed. There was no doubt which side the Man in Black was on after that one.

8. Desmond and Eloise’s final conversation, “The End”. Are you taking my son? No, not with me. Even in the Sideways world, Eloise Hawking was the smartest person in the room.

7. Fake Locke slashes Zoe’s throat, “The Last Recruit”. Hot damn! Good God, I hated that character.

6. “I’ll have you”, “Dr. Linus”. Ben finally confessing to all his wrongs, while literally digging his own grave, then receiving the ultimate forgiveness in this life from Ilana. This scene jump started the steady march to “The Candidate” … and redeemed “Lost”’s most unredeemable character. Pretty damned sweet.

5. Ben and Locke’s final conversation outside The Lamppost, “The End”. Thought it perfectly captured the moment. Locke at total peace, ready to move on. Ben still atoning for his sins. And Locke’s “if it helps, I forgive you” send off. To say nothing of Ben’s “I don’t think you need that anymore, John” final line. Great moment.

4. Any scene with Sawyer and Miles as LAPD detectives in the Sideways world, mostly in “Recon”, but also in the end of “What They Died For” and throughout “The End”. Can we get these guys a spin-off already?

3. Locke opting for the surgery, “What They Died For”. It totally brought everything full circle. On-Island, Jack (man of science) is agreeing to become the ultimate man of faith and take Jacob’s role, while in the Sideways world, Locke (man of faith) is agreeing to become the ultimate man of science and put his fate in the hands of a surgeon. Awesome dichotomy there.

2. “It worked”, in “The End”. Holy Lord. As soon as Juliet held out the candy bar, I lost it. I actually had to leave the room when I was watching this live (I was at my brother’s watching the finale with him), and head up to the TV in the kitchen, so that the others in the room wouldn’t see me cry. Then again, considering I’ve watched this scene like 942 times and still tear up, a lot of good that did. As awesome as the awakening was though, it was Juliet’s reaction. Sawyer immediately got it. (“Whoa. Did you feel that?”) She didn’t. (The head shake, then the “no, this isn’t right …” pull back). She fought it. (Possibly as Jack’s ex and baby mamma in the Sideways world, she didn’t want to let that go?) And then … the embrace. She comes unhinged and just plunges in for what destiny holds. “Kiss me James! You got it, blondie”. God above. I hope someday I find someone that makes me fade like that.

(No, seriously. That might be the most “Steve tears up every time he sees it” moment in history, right in front of “wanna catch, Dad?” from “Field of Dreams” and “I’ll take care of her” from the “Hearts and Souls” episode of NYPD Blue. This one just completely redefined the playing field. And yet, its not even number one, because that would be …)

1. Desmond fainting when “meeting” Penny at the stadium, in “Happily Ever After”. This episode rapidly is climbing into my favorites of the series listing. And that scene, where D’s eyes are opened, his senses awakened, another one of those “is it just me, or is the room awfully dusty tonight” moments this series was so effing good at delivering.

(Yeah, I kind of obsessed on this show. And we’re not done yet …)

* “Your favorite five episodes?” – Drew K, Shawnee.

Five? Screw that, we’re going 11 deep!

(And no, I don’t get my obsession with 11 lately. You’d think I’d go 15 deep on everything, since 15 is my favorite number. Just remember: if you don’t get help at Charter, please, get help somewhere. Before you turn out like me …)

(Also, I should probably note, this is MY favorites list. Not a TV critic’s list, not a television editor’s list, not Doc Jensen’s list. Steve’s List. Me. So no, you won’t see “Walkabout” on here, even though its earned its classic status, and while you will be seeing “The Constant”, I did not rank it number one, or two, or even in the top five, as every other blogger, critic, and even Carlton Cuse himself has done. Its Steve’s List. Deal with it).

11. “Trisha Tanaka is Dead”, season three. No, its not a “classic” episode, and most overall ratings for the series’ episodes that I’ve seen have this in the high 90s / low 100s (out of 113). But tell me the scene where Hurley gets the VW van rolling, as “Shambala” blares in the background, isn’t an all time classic moment. For the first time, something truly good happened to Hurley, and he didn’t have to pay a price for that good thing occurring. Plus, if you can’t get worked up over the opening scene, Hurley talking to Libby’s grave, you don’t have a conscience. Toss in Sawyer and Kate’s return from the DHARMA cages, and the discovery of (what turned out to be) Ben’s dad in said VW van (the first glimpse of the effects of The Purge), and it’s number eleven on my list.

(Plus, the reworked orchestral version of “Shambala” to close the episode is just epic. Absolutely epic.)

(It also doesn’t hurt that the episode title is a tribute from Team Darlton to “Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa” from “Family Guy”. Too bad they didn’t do a “Token Black Weatherman Ollie Williams” tribute. Ollie, how would that have made you feel? Sweet! Thanks, Ollie).

10. “Collision”, season two. Save the rotten tomatoes -- I hated Ana Lucia as much as anyone else. But you had four epic moments in this one: the reveal of the Tailies to the Losties … the death of Shannon … the reunion of Sun and Jin … and the reunion of Rose and Bernard. Not too shabby for a midseason episode.

9. “Not in Portland”, season three. The first Juliet centered episode. Truly began to reveal just how manipulative Ben could be. And in making Juliet a sympathetic character, gave me (at least) a reason to actually root for the Others? Gotta love this show.

8. “Dr. Linus”, season six. Ben’s reformation is complete. In the sideways world, he turns down ultimate power to save his favorite student, unknown to him as his daughter at that point. (Something he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, do on the Island). And on the Island, possibly my favorite Ben moment ever, as he’s literally digging his own grave, has the tremendous verbal showdown with Ilana, and then says he’s leaving to go with Fake Locke because “he’s the only one who will have me”. Ilana’s comeback, “I’ll have you”, and Ben’s relief / shock just makes the episode.

7. “The Constant”, season four. The ultimate Desmond episode, according to most Losties. Yeah, it was great … but episode 5 on this countdown is my ultimate Desmond episode. The phone call at the end of this one is probably Lost’s ultimate “wow, its dusty in this room” moment. Gave us for the first time a hint of what was to come (with the time traveling), and really cemented that the heart of this show, the point of this show, is what Christian hammered home in “The End”. Noone does it alone.

6. “LA X”, season six. I can’t believe how much I loved this final season, to be honest. (Although to be fair … season three of “Lost” was my LEAST favorite of the series, and yet it lands the most “favorite” episodes in the top 11 (Four of them). It’s the Bizarro “NYPD Blue” for me – season seven was my favorite “Blue” season, and I wouldn’t put any of that year’s episodes in a top 10 “Blue” countdown save for maybe “This Old Spouse”. The lesson? I watch way too much TV. “Letting go” and “moving on” …)

The season premiere gave us some answers we were wanting (Jughead bringing the Losties back to 2007 on Island) … and gave us one of the coolest story-telling devices ever on network TV (the sideways world). All summer and fall leading into this episode, you figured either Jughead would work and reset the timeline, or it would implode and everyone would die. Instead … it did both.

5. “Happily Ever After”, season six. I almost went with “What They Died For” here instead, because both of those episodes were season six’s high point to me. But I cared about the Desmond / Penny relationship more than Jack and Locke reaching detente. Plus that stadium scene. Amazing. This really was the beginning of the end. And to me, the sideways world is even cooler knowing what it really was, not what it was portrayed as at this point in the final season.

4. “The Incident”, season five. In hindsight, this episode gets even better. It perfectly set up season six. Took major characters into an entirely new direction (Juliet pulling the plug on the relationship with Sawyer, Jack’s ridiculous “I’m doing this for Kate” declaration, Sayid shot), gave us the Jacob / MIB dynamic, and saw the reveal that Locke was still dead. In addition to Ben murdering his long-time “boss” in a furious rage, a great “holy sh*t” finish to the season. Great episode. But not as good as …

3. “LaFleur”, season five. To be perfectly honest, in many regards … THIS is my favorite episode of “Lost”. It’s the defining Sawyer / Juliet episode. The moment the time traveling stopped, the Dharma Initiative was truly unveiled, and oh yeah, Jack, Kate and Hurley arrive back at the Island … in 1977?!?! As I’ve said many times before, whoever the genius is that thought “hey, Sawyer and Juliet would make a great pairing”, should immediately be inducted into the Brilliant Ideas Hall of Fame.

2. “The Man Behind the Curtain”, season three. We see how Ben came to be Ben. Witness the Purge. And set in motion the events leading into my favorite episode of the series.

(Should probably note: I have re-watched this one online about 15 times the last couple of weeks. A year from now, this might be number one, the episode is that good. It gives you the ultimate Ben / Locke showdown, even better than “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham” from season five. It’s the ultimate “oh sh*t, I’m screwed” moment of Ben on the Island, even more than digging his own grave in “Dr. Linus”. And it’s the ultimate revenge on Roger for the hell he drug Ben into. You actually root for Ben to pull the plug and unleash the gas. “No Dad, I don’t think that will ever be a problem for you again”. What incredible writing, that you root for someone to commit mass murder. Holy crap I love this show!)

But at number one …

1. “Through the Looking Glass”, season three. I was an hour plus delayed on watching this, as it was up against the “American Idol” finale. (Apparently my hours and hours of texting for Blake the week before, didn’t work this time. Dammit.) And I remember I was about 40 minutes in when I started getting texts. “Holy sh*t!” “Holy sh*t!” “Are you live? This is awesome!” No, I wasn’t live. But the ending, possibly the best three minutes this show ever did. A despondent, broke down Jack, at the end of his rope, arrives at the airport, to meet … Kate? What the f*ck? Wait … oh sh*t! They got off the Island! Wait, what? How? When? Best episode of the series, by far.

* “Was there anything that didn’t get answered you wish had?” – Chris N, Brookside.

Not really. But there were two things “Lost” never covered or got into that I wish it had:

1. I would have loved an episode showing how the DHARMA Initiative came to be. Would have had to air in season five for continuity’s sake (probably right after “He’s Our You”, when Faraday returns – but that would have sucked in that slot, because “Some Like it Hoth” is a great Miles focused episode), but I would have loved some further background. Why was it formed? What led them to the Island? What were they harnessing the energy source for? And along the same lines …

2. I would have LOVED an episode this year showing what happened between The Incident and The Purge. We know how Ben wound up defecting. But why did Ethan leave the Initiative? What led to the decision to wipe out the Initiative in The Purge? Why did Ben respect Horace so much that he closed his eyes in “The Man Behind the Curtain”?

And if Roger’s liver held up that well from years upon years upon decades of non-stop alcohol abuse, is there hope for me?

If you were going to air a mythology heavy episode, like “Across the Sea” was … I wish it had focused on the DHARMA years instead.

Other than that, I have no complaints. And even those aren’t complaints, just wishes.

(And as a side note … I’m glad we didn’t witness any of Hurley’s reign, or Ben as his number two. Well, at least until August 24th when the DVD comes out and the 12 minute “New Man in Charge” postscript is released officially. Hurley as the man in charge was the most ridiculous plotline in the last season. Well, other than any scene with my least favorite character ever. We’ll get to her in a minute or three).

* “What was your favorite scene in the series? Or scenes, I should probably ask” – Brett H, Harrisonville.

My six favorites (yup, another random number drop):

6. Hurley getting the VW bus going in “Tricia Tanaka is Dead”. “You make your own luck! There is no curse!” And then he pops the clutch … and “Shambala” (my favorite song from the “Swingtown” era) starts playing, and you just start smiling, crying, and clapping like a trained seal. Or Pauler Abdul.

5a. The scene in “LaFleur” where Sawyer comes home with the flower for Juliet. Melts the heart. But also from the same episode …

5b. Horace pouring out his emotions to Sawyer, asking how long it takes to get over someone. Sawyer finally opens up about his feelings for Kate, and says that he believes three years is long enough. Cue the very next scene, when Sawyer is awakened by Jin, because Jack, Hurley … and Kate have reappeared in 1977 DHARMA Island world. So, was three years long enough? Great ending to a great episode.

4. Juliet and Sawyer’s reconnection in the Sideways world in “The End”. Good grief, now the computer’s getting a little dusty …

3. Ben killing his father, initiating The Purge, in “The Man Behind the Curtain”. “You know, I loved her too. But the difference is, I had to put up with you. Goodbye, Dad”. Awesome stuff.

2. Desmond and Penny’s “initial contact” in the Sideways world in “Happily Ever After”. It’s the most brilliant scene in this brilliant show’s history.

1. “We Have to Go Back!” – Jack to Kate in the closing scene of “Through the Looking Glass”. Completely changed everything you thought of the show. Flash … forwards? Wait, what? They get off the Island? I’m so tuning in for season four!

* “Who were your favorite characters? Least favorite?” – Heath C, Harrisonville.

My 10 favorites (hey! Normal number!):

10. John Locke. I’m more a person of science than faith, hence the low ranking.
9. Tom Friendly. From the moment he was exposed with the fake beard, I liked the guy. And that was in season two.
8. Jack. I hated Jack until “Through the Looking Glass”. He annoyed the crap out of me … until the “we have to go back!” moment. From that point on, he was tolerable.
7. Sawyer. The somewhat shady dude with the heart of gold. Gee, wonder who that sounds like.
6. Eloise Hawking. Even in “The End”, she still scared the crap out of me. Of course she’s the smartest person in the room. Which made her appearance in “The End” so perfect – she WAS aware of what the Sideways world was. She just refused to move on, fought everyone’s attempt to do so, because in the Sideways world, she didn’t kill her son, she didn’t destroy his destiny. Powerful stuff.
5. Ben. I always root for the protagonist, or so it seems. But Ben’s redemptive arc was arguably “Lost”’s greatest success. Plus, I’m just shocked as hell that I liked someone named “Ben”. After the debacle that was a year living with “deadbeat ex roommate”, I figured as soon as I heard a person’s name was “Ben”, I’d go HHH with the sledge hammer crazy on them.
4. Desmond. Its arguable who was truly the heart of the show, D or Jack.
3. Lapidus. Captain Chesty! The comic relief the last couple years.
2. Miles. The most grossly underdeveloped character on “Lost”. And yet, he’s still my second favorite.
1. Juliet. She barely lasted half the series … which demonstrates just how awesome she was. From shady Other … to fellow “Lostie” … to co-member of THE best love story of the series.

My 5 least favorites:

5. Sun. Along with …
4. Jin. Never cared for this couple. At all. Especially the ridiculous ending in “The Candidate” for these two. Really? Neither one of them gives a sh*t enough about their kid to think “hey, if Jack / Sawyer / Kate / Hurley, friggin Hurley for God’s sake, who barely fits in the damned thing, plus Lapidus, if they can all escape a blown up sub, why can’t we”?
3. Claire. Three words: Crazy. Squirrel. Baby.
2. Phil. Any scene with this DHARMA flunky in it was sketchier than a scene from “Sexcetera” with Hoyt and Frank in it. (Since I got a couple emails asking “who are Hoyt and Frank” after The Rules were published last week, there’s your answer. Reporters for Playboy TV’s “Sexcetera”).
1. Zoe. As much as I loved season six … the moments with her in them, were pretty much unwatchable. Its not often I root for people to die … but when fake Locke offed her in “What They Died For”, it was perfect.

* “OK, enough “Lost”. We get it. OK, maybe you get it, but my one season getting drug into this thing was too much. Talk about something else, dammit Stevo!” – Dusty J, Overland Park.

No.

* “Wait, you told him no?!?! Are you wearing protective gear to avoid getting hit by a flying bowling ball?” – Kellie B, soon to be J, Overland Park.

No. But that’s probably not a bad idea.

* “So … can network TV ever launch a show like “Lost” again?” – Drew K, Shawnee.

Yes. And like “Lost”, its going to come out of nowhere. Which is why it will work.

I can think of three shows that tried to be “Lost” like, and failed, because they tried too hard to make it work. “Studio 60” was the worst offender. That show should still be on the air based on potential. Only, it descended into ridiculous chaos. Television viewers are too savvy, too competent, to fall for the storylines delivered on “Studio 60”. (Although to be fair – they fixed the ridiculousness by the end. Unfortunately, everyone not named “Steve” or “Dusty” had tuned out by then).

“Invasion” should have worked. It did with me. Sadly, ABC aired it right after “Lost”, so many Losties were in rewind / recap mode, and let it fade after a season. (ChillTV still airs season one. Give it a crack, you’ll wind up saying “what was ABC thinking canceling this?!?!” by episode eight).

(And yes, it is AN OUTRAGE! that Time Warner can have some channel called “ChillTV” on its lineup, but not the NFL Network. F*ck you, Time Warner! F*ck you!)

And of course, “Swingtown”, the most developed, watchable, character-driven show not named “Lost” on network TV since “NYPD Blue” went off the air. But the far right hated it (because God forbid we air history as it actually happened), and it was gone after 13 amazing hours of television.

(Although to be fair … if you gotta bow out early, what a way to go! Its like “My So Called Life” back in the day. Another amazing show that was grousely under-advertised, grousely under-supported. It was Zues in nature. But yeah, that was an amazing series that deserved a better fate than ultimately unleashing 30 Seconds to Mars on the paying public).

* “Grouse? Zues? What the hell?” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

Let’s just say weed isn’t necessarily good for your spelling abilities. That, and as the Sports Guy would put it, we’re getting closer …

* “As I pointed out, a grouse is a bird. So my question is … how the f*ck could you leave “I Dream of Jesus” off your Top 11 Episodes of all time?!?! Because haven’t you heard? I thought everyone had heard! THE BIRD IS THE WORD!” – Damien J, Midtown.

Closer still … but you’re right. An incredible once in a lifetime brain fart on my part. So, my five favorite moments / exchanges from “Family Guy”’s finest hour:

5. Peter: “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
Jesus: “Uuh, no.”
Peter: “Are you friends with Gary down at the dry cleaners?”
Jesus: “No.”
Peter: “Did you go to North Providence High?”
Jesus: “No.”
Peter: “Are you Jesus Christ?”
Jesus: “Uuh, no?”
Peter: “Well then, you won’t mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs then”
Jesus: “Please, don’t!”

4. “The Tonight Show: Providing Background Noise for Intercourse Since 1992!”
Jay Leno: “I’d like to thank my last guest, Dave Coulier. Season three of “Full House” comes out on DVD next week. My next guest … died for our sins and rose again, and now he’s back on the scene! Please welcome Jesus Christ!”
Jesus: (as he walks out, the band plays a lounge-style rendition of “O Little Town of Bethleham. Slays me every time …)

3. Meg: “I love you Jesus!”
Jesus: “Aah, I love you too fella”

2. Jesus: “And that’s how I raised myself from the dead.”
Everyone: “wow!”
Peter: “OK, ok, that’s a good one, but I can top it. So me, Joe and Cleveland are just wrecked on Southern Comfort …”

1. At the “authentic” 50s diner:
Lois: “Look, there’s Cleveland!”
Firemen: (turn hoses loose, barking dogs, keeping the black guy out)
Cleveland: “Oh, this brings back memories …”

Oh who am I kidding, there’s one exchange above them all.

Peter: “OK, you stay here, and I’ll go get some water in that store over there for you to turn into wine.”
Jesus: “Great! Hey, while you’re in there, can you get me a Cracked Magazine?”
Peter: “Cracked? Jesus Christ! Unbelievable!”

* “Hey! Remember that time in college, when I swore I wouldn’t leave the couch all night, so I just kept peeing in the glass? Good times!” – Ross S, Tonganoxie.

We’re pushing the limit … although at least you used the glass. Puts you a step ahead of Matt. Which I guess is good? We might need a judges ruling on what’s worse, urinating in a glass all night, or passing out and going on the carpet. That’s a coin flip in my book.

* “Wait, so rule 50? 51? Jesus, no wonder we broke up! Who makes rules of life anyways? So, this “anytime an ex and the crush talk about implants, it’s a turn on”, was that referring to me?” – Katie H, Lenexa.

Getting pretty damned close …

* “Wait, what’s a crazed sex poodle?” – Mallory S, Roeland Park.

We’re there. Yup, these are my “readers” …

big brother rankings 5.0

13. Annie (13, 13, 6, 5). CBS promises us the Saboteur is coming back tonight. Please, dear Jesus, don’t let it be this chick.

12. Monet (12, 11, 12, 11). CBS promises us the Saboteur is coming back tonight. Please, dear Jesus, don’t let it be this chick.

11. Andrew (11, 12, 13, 8). CBS promises us the Saboteur is coming back tonight. By default, I guess I hope its this chick. What? Yes, he’s a chick! Think about it – he gets up first, he cleans up after everyone’s mess, and he spends half of his day praying, and the other half making everyone else feel bad because they aren’t as good a person as he perceived himself to be. Tell me that’s not signs of a vagina being present.

10. Rachel (9, 6, 11, 9). She is rapidly becoming my most hated “Big Brother” contestant ever. And considering we aren’t even 365 calendar days removed from Chima, that’s saying something. I would never advocate violence against anyone … but if someone wanted to bitch slap this girl, I wouldn’t step in to stop them.

9. Kathy (8, 8, 9, 7). Only Rachel is going to save Kathy from eviction next week. A boring player that brings nothing to the table, other than making you question how she has children, since she is so adamantly opposed to sex of any form apparently.

8. Kristen (6, 5, 4, 2). Your likely evictee tonight. Props to her for refusing to apologize to Rachel after their catfight last week. But major downs to her for making it nearly two weeks with Hayden before anyone figured out they were a showmance. If your ‘mance is so dull that NOBODY in a house full of people can figure out you’re screwing each other, that’s a problem.

7. Brendon (2, 2, 3, 4). He’ll be better once Rachel is gone.

6. Hayden (7, 1, 1, 1). He’ll be better once Kristen is gone.

5. Enzo (10, 7, 2, 6). If I had to wager my life’s savings on any of these folks to win it all right now, this might be the hamster to wager that $2.61 on. Everyone likes him, he’s funny as hell, and isn’t perceived as a threat to ever win a HoH because (a) he’s not athletic, and (b) he’s not mentally strong. I like his odds at this point.

4. Matt (1, 9, 8, 3). A quiet week for the self-described “smartest player to ever play this game”, which is probably a good thing for him. He’s a threat to win HoH if it’s a mental test. He’s an outside threat to win it if its physical (as it probably will be).

3. Lane (5, 10, 10, 10). He’s the dark horse. Like Enzo, he’s well liked, he’s funny, and he’s not as dumb as he’s playing. Unlike Enzo though, he’s a threat to win any physical challenge. At some point, the weaker players will target him.

2. Ragan (4, 4, 5, 13). Wow did I whiff on this guy to start with.

1. Britney (3, 3, 7, 12). Shoots to the top with a week of hilarious comments, playing Rachel like the tool that she is, and playing alliances against each other. Plus she’s genuinely pleasing to look at, that always helps.

A few other quick comments:

* 350,001 was a ton of fun. I hope to post later this week on how it all went down.

* I know I still owe a Floatapalooza 2010 post. Mostly I haven’t written it up because I don’t remember 50% of the weekend, I was that hammered. But also, I have another Floater coming up in a couple weeks, so I might combine the two. Stay tuned.

* Congratulations to the voters of Kansas, who (for once) voted the right choice at the ballot box. Jerry Moran won’t embarrass himself or the state.

* Congrats also to the voters of Jackson County, for kicking Henry Rizzo to the curb. Maybe now we can get a county legislature that actually acts like a legislature, rather than a group of brats sitting around calling each other names.

* Thinking of maybe heading up to St Joe’s for training camp on Saturday. My buddy Brent went last night, and the initial reports are encouraging to say the least. When that guy is getting optimistic …

* Finally, I can’t believe I forgot an obvious rule on Monday. Rule 48: Anytime you are asked to appear as a guest on the “Maury” show, its not going to end well for you.

you take the good!

“You take the bad!
You take them both,
And then you have,
The Facts of Life!
The Facts of Life! …”

-------------------------

So I get home tonight … and notice that for some reason, a “NCIS” rerun on USA recorded for me. Not sure why – it wasn’t a “classic” episode, it wasn’t a new episode. But it recorded. So, that got me thinking.

I have some rules in life. (Like Gibbs on “NCIS”). And I think its high damned time I lay out these rules.

So, here you go. The Steve Rules of Life. Some of these are Steve originals, some of these are adopted from friends, family, and loved ones. And some are just quotations worth living life by. Good grief, I need a psych evaluation …

“The Steve Rules of Life”, version 1.0 (copyright August 3, 2010; first updated August 8, 2010):

1. Any day that is hot enough, that the thought of putting on a t-shirt seems like the most retarded idea in recorded human history, is a perfect weather day.

2. “Herb is a gift from the Earth / And what’s from the Earth is of the greatest worth / So before you knock it, try it first / And you’ll see it’s a blessing, and not a curse / If you don’t like my fire, then don’t come around / Cause I’m gonna burn one down, I’m gonna burn one down” – Ben Harper.

3. The family that drinks together, stays together. And …

4. It is never too early for the first drink of the day.

5. You can have freedom, or you can have security. You cannot have both.

6. The funniest word in the English language is “dingy”.

7. You never know who your real friends are until they have no financially motivated reason to hang around you.

8. There is no event in life that cannot be tailgated.

9. You can never go wrong with monkeys and/or midgets.

10. There is no sexier accessory a chick can have than the diamond nose stud. The pierced naval is a damned close second though.

11. Organized religion is the cause of 95% of the world’s problems. It is the solution to none of the world’s problems.

12. Oakland is the ass crack of America, and Buffalo is the arm pit of America. Detroit is either the nasal drainage or toe jam; the issue is still unsettled.

13. Hoyt and Frank are the two greatest reporters in television history. This is not even up for debate.

14. There is no chill-inducing moment in sports quite like when the PA system starts blaring “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins as the sun begins to set at Arrowhead. The walk in for a prime-time game is as inspirational as it gets.

15. The worst day imaginable for tailgating, is still better than the best day imaginable in the office.

16. If terrorists strike the stadium while the oakland raiders and denver broncos are playing each other, it is not a national tragedy. It is cause for a national celebration.

17. Anyone who relies on FOX News as their primary source of information, is someone that is severely misinformed about the issues of the day. Also …

18. Any person who actually believes what Sean Hannity says, needs a mental health evaluation.

19. Al Gore’s acceptance speech at the 2000 DNC is the greatest political speech of my lifetime.

20. “NYPD Blue” is the greatest show in television history. Also …

21. “Hearts and Souls” is the greatest single episode in television history.

22. Most of the time, one person really can’t make a difference. Sad, but true.

23. The best movie ever made is “Saturday Night Fever”. Anyone who thinks otherwise, has never seen the film in its unedited entirety.

24. The only three holidays worth celebrating are the Fourth of July, Christmas, and 420. Everything else is a Hallmark-ed up waste of time. Except maybe your birthday, that’s still an unsettled issue.

25. The only white wine I enjoy every time I have it, is Relax Riesling. Conversely, it takes a lot for me to dislike a red.

26. If you ever find yourself asking “what matters more to me, the person or the money”, the answer is sadly “the money”.

27. “And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make” – The Beatles.

28. Sometimes, the best night out … is opting to stay in.

29. The phrase “Coyote Ugly” was created with The Eclipse in Raytown in mind.

30. The best section at Arrowhead is section 132.

31. It’s not officially summer until I’m tossing washers, with a frosty cold beverage in hand, wondering what the hell happened to my t-shirt. Which reminds me …

32. If it’s hot enough, it is perfectly acceptable to take your shirt off in public. Especially if you’re an attractive female.

33. The only sports talk radio host worth listening to on a daily basis is Tony Bruno.

34. The surest sign you’re making a mistake is when someone drops the “you’d have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to do that” blast on your decision.

35. Flyovers are the single biggest waste of taxpayer dollars known to mankind. Also …

36. Strip clubs are the single biggest waste of non-taxpayer dollars known to mankind.

37. “Poker? I didn’t even kiss her!” is the joke that never fails to crack me up.

38. The most underrated television show in history is “Hunter”.

39. The funniest catch phrase ever is “its penal in nature”, by “The Judge” Bill Pidto.

40. The best judges of the love of your life, are your closest friends. If they can’t stand her / him, you should immediately begin finding a way to end it.

41. I have no doubt there is a God. I just question whether or not he gives a sh*t about me most of the time.

42. You cannot legislate morality. You can, however, legislate insanity. The religious right will always attempt to do both.

43. “Noone does it alone, kiddo. You needed all of them, and they needed you. To remember. And to let go” – Christian Shepherd, “Lost” finale.

44. Realizing you support a losing cause does not make you a loser. It makes you a true believer.

45. If you can’t laugh at yourself, brace for everyone laughing at you.

46. If you aren’t going at least 10 miles over the speed limit, you have no business being in the far left lane of the freeway.

47. Two things you never want to be: a one legged guy in an ass kicking contest, and … well, really, there’s not much worse than being a one legged guy in an ass kicking contest.

As new rules are added, this list will be updated. But I think that’s a pretty good start …

(tony bruno voice) we have an update! Let's go to your update desk and your new update host, the lovely Lisa, for a couple new rules!

48. Anytime you are asked to appear on the "Maury" show as a guest, it is not going to end well.

49. Anytime your weekend begins by seeing "the wife" for the first time in a year, and ends by floating on a gigantic beyond-life-sized Miller Lite beer cap, is a weekend worth reliving. Oh, and ...

50. Anytime "the ex" and "the crush / the wife / Christ I'm running out of nicknames to put in quotation marks at this point", anytime they are discussing, uuh, enhancing their figure, in earshot of you, its a good thing. And one more:

51. Anytime you say "I came to my senses about (insert significant other here) when I quit drinking", you might want to rethink dating said person in the first place. Its called a "reality check" for a reason.