Sunday marks the unofficial start to my favorite four months of the year, summer!
Sunday also is one of my favorite days of summer. My second favorite NASCAR race in the evening, the Coke 600.
And my favorite race, in any series, on any continent, to kick the day off. The Indy 500.
I wish I was going this year, but sadly I can't. So I hope to do the next best thing: watch it on a 40 inch flat screen on the back deck, occasionally hopping in the pool to cool off. I definitely plan to make up for missing this weekend by heading up for the Brickyard in late July though. Especially since the Brickyard falls on a payday weekend (hooray!) And it also helps that a week from Saturday, this scene is highly likely to be playing out:
(steve) (sprawled out on metal bleachers at kansas speedway)
(steve) (cracks open budweiser numero ocho)
(steve) (no shoes, no shirt, no problems)
(weather) (88 and sunny)
(steve) woo racing! woo! (fist pump!) woo!
(dusty) jesus, shut up already! They're still on the pace lap for f*cks sake!
This year's qualifying saw the return of a true Indy tradition: a legitimate "Billy Boat Memorial" Bump Day, as drivers kept knocking themselves out of the field. Danica, for instance, was the next to last one to qualify -- she made it in with literally 3 minutes to spare. The last one to qualify, literally after the gun had sounded to close the track for the day? Uum ... we'll get to him in a little bit.
A number of big names that routinely are near the top of the Pole are not in this year's field as well. Best of all though, the "no really, you mean he didn't win in 2002?!?!" runner-up is back, after swearing when the decision went against him to "never step foot in that sh*thole again!" Welcome back, Paul! We've missed you. OK, ok, I've missed you. So, in the time honored tradition of any race I attend, here is my predicted order of finish for the Centennial running of the Greatest Spectacle in Motorsports.
Key: Predicted Finish. Car Number, Driver, Starting Position. Smart Ass Comments and, on occasion, Meaningful Insights.
33. Pippa Mann, #36, starting 31st. She's no mann baby, but she is definitely a 3:1 favorite in "who causes the lap 2 debacle in turn three?" pool.
32. Charlie Kimball, #83, starting 28th. Definitely not as recognizable as Chuck E. Cheese. And I'm guessing this Cheese guy could finish better than 32nd.
31. Simona de Silvestro, #78, starting 23rd. Feel good story, but you gotta figure the fact half of her body was literally on fire two weeks ago might indicate a rough ride on Sunday.
30. Jay Howard, #88, starting 20th. The car number does him in -- the NASCAR 88 hasn't seen success at this track since the Dale Jarrett era.
29. Ana Beatriz, #24, starting 32nd. If she's still on the track come lap 60, that's a good day for her.
28. Alex Lloyd, #19, starting 30th. If he's still on the track come lap 60, its a very good day for him.
27. John Andretti, #43, starting 17th. If you're going to wager on an Andretti to win on Sunday ... well, it's simpler and less painful to just find a toilet and flush your money down the hatch. Betting on an Andretti at Indy is usually the equalivent of sending it down the crapper. But if you are gonna take a chance on an Andretti, this ain't the Andretti to maybe take a flier on.
26. James Hinchcliffe, #06, starting 13th. It's ok, I'm thinking it too. "Who in the bloody hell is James Hinchcliffe?"
25. Bertrand Baguette, #30, starting 14th. Yup. "Who in the bloody hell is Bertrand Baguette?" I'm guessing he and Hinchcliffe take each other out.
24. Ryan Hunter-Reay, #41, starting 33rd. In the interest of full disclosure, I like this kid. He's also the only American born driver to win in the IndyCar circuit since 2007. I'm guessing he doesn't post win number two starting from the back of the field in a ride he purchased because he wasn't good enough to qualify on his own.
23. Justin Wilson, #22, starting 19th. Wilson is a damned good driver ... on the road courses. Last time I checked, only the Moto GP folks drive the road course at Indy. Well, other than the partiers gathering in the Snakepit in Turn Three for Sunday's festivities, since said road course is part of the infield parking lot on 500 Day.
22. EJ Viso, #59, starting 18th. Another young talented driver I am usually impressed by. Finishing in the middle third at Indy is nothing to be embarrassed about.
21. JR Hildebrand, #4, starting 12th. Panther Racing is snake bit at this place. I picture Hildebrand running top 4, top 5 until blowing an engine on lap 122.
20. Davey Hamilton, #11, starting 15th. He'll get a long, loud standing ovation out of me when Brent Musburger introduced him Sunday morning. Helluva story, helluva comeback, but he's nowhere near the driver he used to be. Still, inspiring stuff to see him back in the cockpit every May.
19. Takuma Sato, #5, starting 10th. Helluva qualifying run. I'm guessing it won't translate into a helluva race day run.
18. Graham Rahal, #38, starting 29th. If anyone in the back three rows is capable of mounting a top five run ... well, they're coming out of row 9. (Seriously, row 9 is freaking loaded with talent. I've picked nearly the entire bottom half of the field, and NOBODY from row 9 has appeared yet, with good reason.) But Rahal is perfectly capable of grabbing a top 10, top 12 finish from the next to last row.
17. Buddy Rice, #44, starting 7th. Honestly? From this point forward, any of these guys and gals can win the race. This is a really deep field this year. Sadly, the bottom half is that crappy, and the top half is that solid, that there's going to be a huge disconnect in the finish. I can see 15-17 cars still on the lead two laps at the end ... and every other car at least 35 laps back. Rice is your 2004 champion of this event, by the way. It'd be a mild upset to see him win it again, but only a mild one. Not a "Ana Beatriz wins the Indianapolis 500!" heart-attack inducing upset.
16. Alex Tagliani, #77, starting on the pole. Some people believe Scott Sharp is the worst driver to ever occupy the pole at Indy. (I don't -- Bruno Junquera was worse. But not by much.) Sharp didn't make it out of turn one on race day before wrecking. (Junquera crapped out on lap 22.) Let's hope Tagliani improves on those two gentlemen's "efforts".
15. Ryan Briscoe, #6, starting 26th. Our first Row Niner! Briscoe can absolutely win this race, he's that damned good. And you know Penske is going to take him off-sequence to try to make up some ground early, and gamble that the cautions that inevitably hit around the lap 150-160 mark will get him back on schedule ahead of where he should be. Wouldn't shock me to see that move completely pay off. We've seen it before. Oh yeah.
14. Oriol Servia, #2, starting 3rd. I love this kid. He drives the hell out of the car. Which is why he's probably going to blow an engine on lap 170 while he's pushing for a top five finish.
13. Tomas "Crash" Scheckter, #07, starting 21st. And now we come to what might be my absolute favorite driver in the field, and no, that is not a joke or a typo. And it's for this reason -- you know he's going to wreck out. You know he's going to wreck out while going for the lead, or while leading the race. And you know it's not going to be a simple "one car into the wall" deal, it's going to take out multiple drivers, possibly involve multiple injuries, and potentially multiple fatalities. This kid doesn't just wreck -- he "Crashes", hence his nickname from me. If "Crash" is still out there come lap 180, and I fully expect he will be, because he almost always is, pray the driver you are rooting for (or that you have in the gambling pool) is nowhere near "Crash" on the track. Because the Big One will happen, and "Crash" will cause it. On that, you can bet the familiy farm.
12. Tony Kanaan, #82, starting 22nd. Love this guy too. Probably the best driver in the field that hasn't won this race, save for maybe Paul Tracy. (Tracy certainly is the biggest horses ass in this field that has never won it, although some of us (hey, that's me!) will go to our graves convinced Tracy won in 2002.) Kanaan will get to the front at some point. If you're looking for a dark horse / sleeper in this thing, he's one of the three I'd consider wagering everything short of my life on to be that dark horse / sleeper. (The other two we'll get to in a few more picks.)
11. Helio Castroneves, #3, starting 16th. Looking to join Rick Mears, Al Unser, and AJ Foyt as the only four time winners at Indy. He's got the talent to do it. Lord knows he's got the owner and pit crew to do it. Will be fun to watch. Plus, he gives by far and away the best post-race celebration. For all you NASCAR lovers who think there is no racing outside of NASCAR, please remember, Tony Stewart stole his "climb the fence Spiderman!" routine from Helio. He straight plagerized it. Further proof that everything good in racing begins at Indianapolis on the last Sunday in May.
10. Vitor Meira, #4, starting 11th. Meira has finished 2nd in this thing 3 times in the last 6 years. In fact, Meira has never won an IndyCar race, despite finishing 2nd an astonishing 13 times in the last 10 years. This guy is more cursed than Kasey Kahne was his first year and a half in the Cup (Kahne had 7 2nd place finishes before breaking through at Richmond his sophomore year.)
9. Townsend Bell, #99, starting 4th. I liked him better when he was driving for Effen Vodka.
8. Paul Tracy, #23, starting 24th. Let's just say, for the safety of every official at the track, let's just pray that there's no controversial finish involving Paul Tracy this time. That's still the most surreal 500 I ever remember -- the pole had Tracy winning, yet Castroneves was climbing the fence in victory celebration. Oh, and care to guess who's wreck on lap 198 caused the "who was really leading this thing" controversy? You bet your ass it was "Crash" Scheckter.
7. Danica Patrick, #7, starting 25th. She's never finished worse than 7th. Until she does, I will never pick her worse than 7th. My favorite moment ever at this race ... well, was Kenny Brack winning in 1999. Steve's favorite driver beats asshat Robby Gordon for the win. Great stuff. But the most goose-bump inducing moment I've ever witnessed was when Danica passed Dan Wheldon on the lap 189 restart in 2005. I have never in my life heard anything louder than the Speedway for the next three laps. Hell, I was rooting for the guy in 3rd place behind her and Wheldon (Sebastian Bourdais), and even I got caught up in cheering for Danica. I'm hoping for a few more "holy f*cking sh*t!!!" moments like that one was, on Sunday. If any track is guaranteed to deliver them, it's that piece of heaven on earth located at 16th and Georgetown.
6. Will Power, #12, starting 5th. The third entry for The Captain, and I'm betting it'll be his highest finisher. Power will probably be solidly in the second pack on the lead lap, if not leading that second pack, when this one ends. I can't envision him winning it ... but I can't envision him finishing much worse than 8th or 9th. Rock solid driver who will win this thing someday. Just not Sunday.
5. Dan Wheldon, #98, starting 6th. Your 2005 winner, to the immense disappointment of 300,000 plus of us who were there that day. Figures to be where he usually is at Indy -- in the short list of contending cars as the white flag drops.
4. Ed Carpenter, #67, starting 8th. There's a huge part of me that wants Carpenter to win this, just so Tony George (Ed's uncle) can raise two middle fingers at the awards podium towards his sister and his mother, who kicked him to the curb two years ago. As a big Tony George fan, I'm still incensed at the coup d'etat. Would love to see him stick it to the family by having his chosen nephew win this thing.
3. Dario Franchitti, #10, starting 9th. Your defending champion. Also won this race in 2007, a race best known for Ashley Judd sprinting in a driving rainstorm to congratulate her husband while wearing a very showy sun dress. (Let's just say, that sequence had "DO NOT DELETE" status on my UltimaTV for a long, long while.) He'll be there at the end. He'll come damned close to posting a back-to-back, something few drivers have done. But he'll come up just short.
2. Scott Dixon, #6, starting 2nd. One of the few to actually do the back-to-back, he won in 2008 and 2009, and was a factor last year as well, finishing 3rd. He'll be up front all day long. But I'm picking who I'm picking to win for a specific reason, and Dixon doesn't factor into that reason.
So ... that leaves one driver I haven't slotted yet. Have you figured out who I think "is in it to win it!" (Every reader rapidly checking their starting lineup cards.) Give up?
OK, I will freely admit, this is a huge, hu-yuge dark horse. I mean, this is the 35:1 long shot that I'm gambling is going to pay off. (No, it's not Sarah Fisher. She's not even in the field, thank God above.) Although some would argue this is a riskier pick than Sarah Fisher, simply because of what his name is. To which I say, screw it. Ignore the name and look at the talent. This will be this driver's 6th Indy 500. He has three top 3's already, including two second place finishes, one of those seconds occurring when he got passed with literally 100 feet to go by Sam Hornish Jr. in 2006.
(Most folks now know who I’m talking about. If not, keep reading …)
The loudest I've ever heard Indy get was when Danica took the lead in 2005. The second loudest I've ever heard Indy get was when my “pick to win it”’s father took the lead with three to go in 2006. (And when the kid took the lead from his dad with two to go, it was just as loud. Or to put it another way, I went to the 2006 race with my good buddy Dusty. He is anything but a racing fan. And even he was completely captivated with the last 5 laps of that race. Again, anything but a racing fan, the only reason he goes now is because he's married to a racing fan and her family. But even HE admits "everyone should do Indy once". That 2006 race was some kind of special, just awesome stuff.)
Sunday, on the Centennial Running of the Greatest Spectacle in Motorsports, there is noone, and I mean noone, who deserves to take pride in a championship run more than this kid, his father and his grandpa.
My pick to win the Centennial Running of the Indianapolis 500 is ...
1. Marco Andretti, #26, starting 27th. I'm a sucker for a feel good, bring tears to the eyes story. And I guarantee you, if Marco pulls this off, I will be crying. I don't care who sees it, I don't care who makes fun of it, if an Andretti finally wins this damned race, I will tear up. As will anyone with any ounce of appreciation for what this track and that family mean to motorsports.
Of course, a Marco tearful celebration would be at least the fifth time I will have cried on Sunday, as I'm guaranteed to tear up for Taps (never fails to move me how quiet it gets, never fails to move me), guaranteed to pull up Florence Henderson on Youtube! (since ABC always cuts to commercial during her performance of "God Bless America", damned ABC. Damn you ABC. Show Flo! Show Flo!) just so I can cry during the most moving version of that classic you will ever hear, guaranteed to tear up as we welcome "our good friend, Mr. Jim Nabors!" to the Bombardier Pagoda stage, and I will be an emotional blubbering mess when the balloons launch while we "dream about the moonlight on the Wabash". To say nothing of 436 year old Mari Hulman George giving the most famous words in motorsports.
Oh, how I long for my Indiana home ...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
idol season finale: the recap
Two days earlier than promised to boot! Hooray having no life ...
It’s usually my favorite night of the television year. I even blew off one of my best friend’s 30th birthday drink-a-palooza to catch as much of this live as I could.
I refer to, of course, the American Idol Season Finale. I can’t wait to recap this. More specifically, I can’t wait to watch this again, because this was two hours and eight minutes of pure pleasure. Let’s do this!
* For what it’s worth, I thought Lauren kicked Scotty’s ass and took names last night. Having said that, there’s no way Scotty isn’t winning this competition. It’s like season six all over again – Blake was better, but Jordin’s fanbase wasn’t letting her lose.
* For the final time this calendar year … THIS is American Idol!
* Mark Walberg, sleazy reality TV show host, in the house! Temptation Island, Paradise Hotel 2 … come on Mark, we need Paradise Hotel 3!!! If only to see how low and degenerate my favorite hotel resident, Zack, has sunk to. (You know you have a reality TV addiction if you “star” in Paradise Hotel 1 … and somehow weasel your way into Paradise Hotel 2. Uum, not that I watched every episode of both Paradise Hotel’s. Let’s move on.)
* Seacrest introduces our judges. In a slight preview of things to come, one of these three is going to perform an all-time classic, one of these three is going to shake her groove thing with her husband performing, and the third one is going to have a highlight reel played mocking his pathetic catch phrases he uses every week. Stay tuned.
* Let’s just say, there’s a helluva lot more people in the RBC Center for Team Scotty than there are in whatever the hell arena is in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
* We open with Lady Gaga being covered by the entire top 13! “Born This Way”! And this opens phenomenally well, with James doing some kind of a “I’m Barry Effing Gibb!” legkick. I love this show. Also love the closeup on Stefano saying “there’s nothing wrong with loving who you are”. Not quite as funny as when David Hernandez got stuck with the “To be bold and to be naked” line covering George Michael three years ago, but still humorous. (In case you’ve forgotten, Senor Hernandez’ day job was as a male stripper. Again, Jesus God above, I love this f*cking show!!!)
And if Haley’s skirt was any shorter, we’d not only know what color they were, we’d know if she had a landing strip or not. I’m guessing yes on said landing strip. She strikes me as someone who likes to have fun. Wait, did I just type those last three sentences? No sense editing it, I’m filter-free tonight folks!
Phenomenal! The Nokia gives a standing O, as do I! And we still have the Lady GaGa to go later on! Whoops, another spoiler. Oh hell, like it matters.
* Next up, James with Judas Priest! In hindsight, I should have included his Top 24 cover of Judas Priest in at least the honorable mention category on my 25 favorites from Season 10. (Also funny to me: when my dad is really, really pissed, he’ll scream “Judas Priest, Steven!” before unloading on me with all sorts of colorful language. Everyone else in my family, has no problem dropping the “Jesus!” blast. But dad? Nope, his “yup, you done pissed me off” moment of clarity is when he screams “Judas Priest!” 34 years later, it still never gets old. My folks are the best, and I honestly mean that, they really are. Hell, they deserve sainthood if they raised me and my brother. No wonder dad went grey overnight in the mid 1990s.
(Admit it, it’s the little “where the hell is he going with this … oh, now I see the connection” rants on this site that make you love it so much. I’m sneaky good like that.)
Have I mentioned yet that this is phenomenally good? Well, it is. Of course, they could simply be showing a dump truck unloading dirt on the stage right now, and I’d be loving it, but still, I am thoroughly enjoying the hell out of this so far.
And oh my God, it’s a twinbill! “Living After Midnight” running right into “Breakin’ the Law”!
And yes, when the police sirens just went off in this performance, I did do a quick glance out the window. Hey, you get hauled away from your home at 10pm on a Sunday night for failure to pay a speeding ticket, you pay attention to sh*t like sirens.
Judas Priest hits the road in June! I might have to look into how much that would set me back.
* And now for what had me literally spitting beer out from laughing so hard on the first viewing … our “memorable look back” at the “judging” from this past season. Trust me, you WANT to see this clip if it’s on Youtube! If only to see Randy completely torn to pieces.
Seriously, if you haven’t seen it and you know anything about this show, you will have tears streaming down your cheeks from laughing, that’s how damned funny the 2 minute “mock Randy Jackson” clip is.
Later on, JLo and Steven Tyler’s fond look back.
* Next up, Jacob Lusk and Kirk Franklin.
(Side rant! You know who Jacob reminds me of? My old manager Rodney from when I was in high school, and was working at McDonalds. In case you’ve forgotten Rodney, well … he was dumped by his lover on the “Jerry Springer” show in April 1995, and he won the Talk Soup “Clip of the Week”. By the way, his lover was another dude. Jacob reminds me of Rodney. I don’t think that’s a good thing. Although you bet your ass we had the VHS copy of both Rodney’s “Springer” appearance AND his “Clip of the Week” win on constant rotation in the break room for like two months afterwards.)
And we have a Gladys Knight siding! Good God, she’s gotta be in her mid 70s, and she looks absolutely fantastic! And her voice is as awesome as ever!
Jacob looks like me in the Lakefront Brewery. I’m not kidding, he’s grinning from ear to ear just eating this up. In his defense … I would be too.
Another phenomenally good segment.
* We come back from commercial with Casey doing “Fat Bottom Girls”! With Jack Black! This shouldn’t work at all … and yet, this might be the most enjoyable performance so far! Now all we need is some, uum, “fat bottom girls” to parade around the stage.
And just like that, bam! We got some! On bikes to boot! With really bright mini-skirts in neon color patterns. This is beyond awesome! In the words of my great ex-roommate, (dusty voice) I’d tap that.
God bless it, I love, I mean I freaking LOVE, the Idol Season Finale!!! That rocked the f*cking house!!!
You can check out Kung Fu Panda II this weekend. Uuh … no thanks.
* Next up, the top 13 ladies as Seacrest stalls for time. 32 minutes in, and Seacrest finally mentions that this is a results show. Wait, this is a competition? Anyways, here we go.
And they’re doing a Beyonce medley. Holy God, Asthton Jones looks hot. And how the hell did Thia Megia make the top 13 over Kendra Chantelle?
We opened with “Shoulda Put a Ring on It”, and then “Irreplacable”, by the way.
Oh. My. F*CKING. GOD! Haley has a garter on, and there is not even an attempt to cover it up. Excuse me for the next 22 seconds … and we’re back. What can I say, I’m a year older, I lost a second off my, uuh, staying power.
Sorry to say, I didn’t recognize the last Beyonce song. But now it’s “If I Were A Man”. And I gotta admit, I think Asthton Jones went home at least three weeks too early.
Ladies and gentlemen … BEYONCE!!! A huge pop as she comes out to do “Crazy In Love”!!!
Holy Lord. Yes, yes, yes! Yes, I’d tap that. Twice if she asked nicely.
Awesome stuff! A tremendous five minutes of television!
* We come back from commercial. Idols Top 11 arrives in KC in early August. Yes, I’m considering it. Next up, the judges tribute to Steven Tyler.
And it opens with Tyler emerging from the limo, holding up a blunt all of us who, uuh, enjoy a blunt now and then, are absolutely drooling over (I mean Christ, this thing is packed fuller than anything me and my friends have ever brought to a 311 or Snoop Dogg concert … uuh, not that I’ve ever inahled an illegal drug at a 311 or Snoop Dogg concert …), anyways, then Tyler goes, “I’m guessing you can’t show this on film” as he puts it up to his lips. So … he gets back into the limo, tokes, and opens the door, then exhales. I freaking love it.
And my favorite Tyler quote: “hell, fire, sage and matches, f*ck a duck and see what happens!” Given at the end of Scotty’s audition. Sweet Jesus, I love this show!!!
“Was I nervous about doing this? You bet your booty. And since we’re now talking about Jennifer …”
To Lauren: “you keep singing like that, you’ll be able to afford the rest of that dress”.
To some random auditioner whose name is Jake Muck: “you know what Muck rhymes with right?” The contestant, a little scared, replies “Duck?” Steven: “no, f … antastic!”
I’m telling you, the judges clips were the best.
* Next up, Haley and Tony Bennett! And yes, this was by FAR and away, my favorite performance of the night.
I’ll just simply say, Youtube! it. I can’t begin to do it justice. It’s that f … antastic!
They had so much fun up there. I totally dug this. Including the impromptu dance sequence. Absolutely dug everything about this.
“The big day may … be … to … night!!!”
Even on the results show, JLo is still faking her applause for Haley.
* Time to roast JLo.
Contestant: “how old are you?”
JLo: “young enough for you, don’t worry.”
Female contestant: “I think you are so gorgeous”
Randy: “well thank you, I shower, I shave, usually daily --
JLo: “for one time, can you just let me accept the compliment?”
(laughs all around)
Another great segment.
* Oh My F*CKING GOD! TLC! With Lil’ Jon! Holy God! Joined by the top 13 ladies too!
(Side note: when this came on last night, the “Voice of Reason” sent me what might be the single funniest text I’ve ever gotten. “And Andre Rison has just burned al davis’ house down. If you know what I mean”. Every Chiefs fan is laughing hysterically right now.
We open with “No Scrubs”, then into “Waterfalls”.
And yes, it scares me that Chilli has a far better looking stomach than me. Although in my defense, I have spent years working on the beer gut. And yes, it also frightens me that her, uuh, boobs are about my size too. Christ I’m out of shape. Unless looking like Peter Griffin counts as a shape. “Look at that side boob. Like that side boob? Well you shouldn’t, because that’s my side boob!”
Well that was three minutes I will have no problems forgetting ever occurred.
Good Lord, I’m not even halfway through this.
* Scotty and Tim McGraw! “Live Like You Were Dying”! THIS is gonna burn the house down! (Wait, after a TLC performance, was that too soon?)
Slezak’s funniest line today: “what was lower last night, McGraw’s hat or Scotty’s voice?”
I freaking love this song.
Although even if I was “living like I was dying”, there isn’t a shot in hell itself I’d “give forgiveness I’ve been denying” to deadbeat ex roommate. (dusty voice) damn skippy!
You know what makes this performance so damned good? Is that McGraw is deferring to Scotty on every big moment. And not just that … but Scotty’s up to the challenge. Awesome stuff.
Scotty looks like he’s having the greatest moment in his life. I am totally digging this. Good to see him loosen up and have some fun on the stage for once.
The end of this, he just has a goofy ass grin on his face, like “how did I ever get here?!?!” Incredible stuff. Incredible performance. God I love this show!!!
McGraw on tour this summer too! Damn, this could be a costly, costly summer …
* Ugh, the look back at the worst of the auditions. THIS … is why I refuse to tune in until Top 24.
There’s another three minutes I’m never getting back.
* Next up, Mark Anthony. Who, if Stefano is smart, is the exact type of artist he should be taking notes of while he performs.
In a related development, I really have to pee. Back in (chuck woolery voice) two and two.
* And we’re back, with a humorous look back at Casey and James’ eliminations, with each claiming their was worse. This actually isn’t half bad from an unintentional comedy perspective.
And a great ending with Pia.
* Next up, Casey, James, and the rest of the top 13 guys. Covering Tom Jones’ classics!!! Oh yeah, whoa whoa whoa, she’s a lady!!!
Wait, do you think “pussycat, I love you” is a metaphor? As in, drop the cat? Nah …
How about “it’s good to touch the green, green grass of home”? Another metaphor? God I hope so.
This is making me want to hop on the next flight to Vegas, it’s that good. And I’d settle for seeing Wayne Newton instead of Tom Jones.
Hell, I’d settle for seeing Gladys Knight at the Tropicana.
Ladies and Gentlemen … SIR TOM JONES!!!
“It’s not unusual …”!!!
Good f*cking God, someone has hit the tanning bed. And you know what? If I look this damned good in my 70s, I might finally get laid as much as I deserve to be. Of course, my performance would be drug aided, but what the hell. Wait, did I just say that out loud?
Awesome stuff!!! Woo Tom Jones!!! Excuse me, SIR Tom Jones!!!
* And we’re back from commercial, with a look back at our two finalists journeys.
Nope, scrap that, it’s a Ford commercial with our two finalists. Yes, I finally get to drop it, with about 50 minutes to go. Colonel Mustard, in the study, with the knife. They killed this.
(And for the love of everything that every religious person considers to be holy, please, don’t tell me I have to explain the “Clue” references. Please.)
Aw, their favorite teachers get a free Ford, plus up to $10k for their school.
And I’m not trying to be sarcastic – these two are still in high school for God’s sake. Seacrest: “you guys have hot teachers”. Oy.
Scotty hauls out his Price is Right voice with “a brand new car!” THAT was hilarious. Nice to see the kid does have a sense of humor after all. I would hope he does. Enjoy life kid, we’re certainly enjoying you.
And our finalists get the keys to ANY Ford vehicle they want! Suh-weet! I’d be getting me an Explorer, always liked that car. I might have driven the Blazer for years, but the Explorer is better.
* Ladies and Gentlemen … THIS … is Lady GaGa! And THIS … I cannot wait to witness. I mean, she showed up for her mentoring cession wearing heels that were literally a dildo of a very real quality. I cannot WAIT to witness what she does tonight.
(Plus, if you haven’t seen “The Golden Rule” from SNL this week, you have to. “It’s not gay in a three way! With a lady there’s some leeway! As funny as “D*ck in a Box” and “Mother Lover” were, I laughed harder at this one than the others. And yes, my sense of humor is a little bit out there, but this was damned funny.)
Uuh, I cannot do her outfit justice. Other than, she’s wearing a lampshade. And yes, in her own words, “there’s no reason I shouldn’t take you home tonight”.
(Side rant: remember how growing up, and granted, only some of my readers will, but remember how the most religious mom amongst us (and that would be Tim’s mom), was so full of disgust and hate about Madonna? About how “she’s the worst society can ever get”? Hey, I love Carolyn to death, and to this day, she’s the only Republican I’ve ever campaigned for … but really? I think we’ve sunk far lower than Madonna with Lady GaGa. And honestly? I can’t wait to see how much lower we sink as a society. It’s fascinating, in a “no wonder 5/6 of the world hates us enough to want to kill us” kind of way.)
And like Madonna, this chick has more talent in her left pinky fingernail, than I have in my entire body.
And yes, I am laughing my ass off at the obvious “phallic symbol” this mountain top represents.
And yes, if she’s got ropes on her, and she “shoots off” the top in a minute from now, it might be the funniest moment of my life.
Hang on, I might get my wish. Shirtless dude just came up to start dancing with her. I swear to God, if they go Peter Pan here and “launch” into space, it’ll be the greatest unintentional comedy moment of all time.
So far, just dancing. But “I’m on the edge with you!” Come on, it’s ok. Let it, uuh, go!
OK, shirtless dude is the luckiest dude in America, for at least a couple seconds. I would so love to have had that last scene with her.
And … the camera cuts away as he spreads her legs. God f*cking dammit! If this was on any network but FOX, we might have seen a money shot. Again, did I just say that out loud?
And … scene! As smoke “erupts” from whatever the hell the “mountain” was supposed to be. Good God, I need a long, cold shower. Back in “two and two” … ok, more like “five and five” …
* And we’re back. With Lauren? Opening a Carrie Underwood classic, “Before He Cheats”. Should probably note, any song that contains the word “frisky”, I love. “Frisky” is one of those words like “Dingy”, you can’t help but laugh.
Ladies and gentlemen … your season four winner, Carrie Underwood!!!
And all I can say is … I need 21 seconds.
Anyone who says this show is nothing but karaoke, uuh, I give you Carrie Underwood! Kelly Clarkson! Chris Daughtry! Jordin Sparks! Jennifer Hudson! Lee DeWyze! OK, bad choice there, but still. Carrie! Underwood! Holy God she is hot tonight! She’s in it to win it!
And like McGraw with Scotty … Carrie saves the huge moments for Lauren. This is awesome.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Idol at its worst is better than 75% of everything else out there. Idol at its best, is better than 99.99% of everything else out there. THIS … is Idol at its best!!!
Incredible! Can these two go out on tour this summer too, to officially bankrupt me? Please?
* Seacrest notes this is “our youngest matchup ever for the Finale”. Yeah. Their combined ages … are still younger than my actual age. Excuse me while I light myself on fire, fanatical Islam style.
(And no, I’m not apologizing for that. Sorry. Like Lou Dobbs noted when there was a taco crisis a few years ago, “sorry! The simple fact is, if you didn’t eat a taco last week, you didn’t get sick!” OK, that was a fake Lou Dobbs on SNL, but I’ll say it again: “sorry! The simple fact is, no Christian has ever hijacked a plane and flown it into a building with the expressed intent of killing everyone in said building!” If that makes me anti-Islam, then I proudly wear that title. Let’s move on before the religious right embraces me as one of their own, which I most assuredly am not and will never be …)
Top 13 looking back on the top 2.
Stefano: “so we have like two 6th graders in the competition, and they’ve kicked our ass”.
Stefano: “wasn’t American Juniors cancelled a while ago?” Zing!
Although jokingly, Casey accurately sums up my feelings about this Finale: “Thanks a lot America, for making us feel stupid!” Yup. Yup we are.
About 30 minutes to go. About 11 beers left in the 30 pack I bought yesterday. I think that’s enough. Maybe. Looking forward to finding out.
* Next up, Beyonce, doing her next single, “One Plus One”. I can’t help it, sorry. (president george w. bush voice) equals 3? Come on, I bash Barry far more than I bashed Bush. I hate incompetence on either side, especially on the left. Hence my utter contempt for Barry, and my mild despise for W. (And my daily prayer that Hillary sees the light, and gets in this thing before it’s too late. Although again, I’ll say it: Gingrich intrigues me. Really, really intrigues me. A conservative who gets it. I didn’t think there were any of those left anymore.)
Let’s just say, this single is underwhelming.
OK, ok, by popular demand ( aka “I just thought of it”), one more time this “Idol” season: Miss White, the rope, the billiard room. She’s killing this.
“Make Love to Me, When the World’s at War”. Well, at least Beyonce has her priorities straight. Somewhere, Jay-Z is springing upright in a hurry. I’ve given up asking if I’m typing out loud, I just assume I am.
* Commercial.
* And we’re back. Good God, we’re still 20 some odd minutes from results. Try outs in St. Louis and Denver next year. Oh Christ, it’s a Spiderman on Broadway composition, with Bono and The Edge. So, I’ll ask it: what’s the death count over/under for this, 1.5? I’ll gamble and say “under”, but like I said, it’s a gamble.
This … is not the last musical act I’d pick. But it’s not half bad.
We’ve got 15 minutes left. Gotta assume a commercial, then results.
* Hey, I called that! Maybe. Hey, it’s Steven Tyler at the piano! Doing “Dream On”!!!!
This is going to f*cking rock!!!
Say what you want about him, for being 60 and enjoying the life he has, he’s still one of the best in the business.
“Sing with me! Sing for the year!”
“Maybe tomorrow, the Good Lord will take you away!”
He’s still f*cking got it!!!
The remaining judges are as into this as I am!
You know what? That won me over. Bring this judges panel back!!!
* And … the results. It has to be Scotty.
For the tenth straight year, please welcome … Mr. Edward Bellington!
For the last time this year … “DIM THE LIGHTS, HERE WE GO!!!”
“The winner of American Idol Season 10 IS … SCOTTY MCCREERY!!!!”
Every person in the top 13 is cheering. It’s the right outcome.
Scotty is in tears. As I would be too. Job well done champ!!! Job well done!!!
Scotty actually looks happy. Good for him!
Seacrest: “Thank you at home for one of our best seasons ever!” And you know what? For once, I’m not calling bullsh*t on that statement. This WAS one of the best seasons ever. The ONLY season I enjoyed more than this was season six. And if Stefano had made top two, I might have liked this better. I mean, Blake was the “trailblazer” in season six. You don’t have David Cook, you don’t have Adam Lambert, without Blake Lewis in season six. And yet … has there EVER been a better top 8 than this year? Not just top 4, which I rated as Idol’s best ever. But top 8! Other than Jacob (who should have been Pia), flip a coin! Scotty, Lauren, Haley, James, Casey, Paul, and my rubber chicken Stefano, what a talent load! If season 11 is even HALF this good, it’s still better than pretty much every other season.
So thank you, Idol, for restoring my confidence in you. Thank you, Idol, for giving us some genuine feel-good stories to root for (Stefano surving the drunk driver hitting him, James overcoming multiple issues, Haley overcoming biased judiciating).
I’m so ready for season 11, I might finally tune in for the trainwrecks in the audition rounds!
(And for what it’s worth, Scotty’s debut single isn’t half bad …)
It’s usually my favorite night of the television year. I even blew off one of my best friend’s 30th birthday drink-a-palooza to catch as much of this live as I could.
I refer to, of course, the American Idol Season Finale. I can’t wait to recap this. More specifically, I can’t wait to watch this again, because this was two hours and eight minutes of pure pleasure. Let’s do this!
* For what it’s worth, I thought Lauren kicked Scotty’s ass and took names last night. Having said that, there’s no way Scotty isn’t winning this competition. It’s like season six all over again – Blake was better, but Jordin’s fanbase wasn’t letting her lose.
* For the final time this calendar year … THIS is American Idol!
* Mark Walberg, sleazy reality TV show host, in the house! Temptation Island, Paradise Hotel 2 … come on Mark, we need Paradise Hotel 3!!! If only to see how low and degenerate my favorite hotel resident, Zack, has sunk to. (You know you have a reality TV addiction if you “star” in Paradise Hotel 1 … and somehow weasel your way into Paradise Hotel 2. Uum, not that I watched every episode of both Paradise Hotel’s. Let’s move on.)
* Seacrest introduces our judges. In a slight preview of things to come, one of these three is going to perform an all-time classic, one of these three is going to shake her groove thing with her husband performing, and the third one is going to have a highlight reel played mocking his pathetic catch phrases he uses every week. Stay tuned.
* Let’s just say, there’s a helluva lot more people in the RBC Center for Team Scotty than there are in whatever the hell arena is in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
* We open with Lady Gaga being covered by the entire top 13! “Born This Way”! And this opens phenomenally well, with James doing some kind of a “I’m Barry Effing Gibb!” legkick. I love this show. Also love the closeup on Stefano saying “there’s nothing wrong with loving who you are”. Not quite as funny as when David Hernandez got stuck with the “To be bold and to be naked” line covering George Michael three years ago, but still humorous. (In case you’ve forgotten, Senor Hernandez’ day job was as a male stripper. Again, Jesus God above, I love this f*cking show!!!)
And if Haley’s skirt was any shorter, we’d not only know what color they were, we’d know if she had a landing strip or not. I’m guessing yes on said landing strip. She strikes me as someone who likes to have fun. Wait, did I just type those last three sentences? No sense editing it, I’m filter-free tonight folks!
Phenomenal! The Nokia gives a standing O, as do I! And we still have the Lady GaGa to go later on! Whoops, another spoiler. Oh hell, like it matters.
* Next up, James with Judas Priest! In hindsight, I should have included his Top 24 cover of Judas Priest in at least the honorable mention category on my 25 favorites from Season 10. (Also funny to me: when my dad is really, really pissed, he’ll scream “Judas Priest, Steven!” before unloading on me with all sorts of colorful language. Everyone else in my family, has no problem dropping the “Jesus!” blast. But dad? Nope, his “yup, you done pissed me off” moment of clarity is when he screams “Judas Priest!” 34 years later, it still never gets old. My folks are the best, and I honestly mean that, they really are. Hell, they deserve sainthood if they raised me and my brother. No wonder dad went grey overnight in the mid 1990s.
(Admit it, it’s the little “where the hell is he going with this … oh, now I see the connection” rants on this site that make you love it so much. I’m sneaky good like that.)
Have I mentioned yet that this is phenomenally good? Well, it is. Of course, they could simply be showing a dump truck unloading dirt on the stage right now, and I’d be loving it, but still, I am thoroughly enjoying the hell out of this so far.
And oh my God, it’s a twinbill! “Living After Midnight” running right into “Breakin’ the Law”!
And yes, when the police sirens just went off in this performance, I did do a quick glance out the window. Hey, you get hauled away from your home at 10pm on a Sunday night for failure to pay a speeding ticket, you pay attention to sh*t like sirens.
Judas Priest hits the road in June! I might have to look into how much that would set me back.
* And now for what had me literally spitting beer out from laughing so hard on the first viewing … our “memorable look back” at the “judging” from this past season. Trust me, you WANT to see this clip if it’s on Youtube! If only to see Randy completely torn to pieces.
Seriously, if you haven’t seen it and you know anything about this show, you will have tears streaming down your cheeks from laughing, that’s how damned funny the 2 minute “mock Randy Jackson” clip is.
Later on, JLo and Steven Tyler’s fond look back.
* Next up, Jacob Lusk and Kirk Franklin.
(Side rant! You know who Jacob reminds me of? My old manager Rodney from when I was in high school, and was working at McDonalds. In case you’ve forgotten Rodney, well … he was dumped by his lover on the “Jerry Springer” show in April 1995, and he won the Talk Soup “Clip of the Week”. By the way, his lover was another dude. Jacob reminds me of Rodney. I don’t think that’s a good thing. Although you bet your ass we had the VHS copy of both Rodney’s “Springer” appearance AND his “Clip of the Week” win on constant rotation in the break room for like two months afterwards.)
And we have a Gladys Knight siding! Good God, she’s gotta be in her mid 70s, and she looks absolutely fantastic! And her voice is as awesome as ever!
Jacob looks like me in the Lakefront Brewery. I’m not kidding, he’s grinning from ear to ear just eating this up. In his defense … I would be too.
Another phenomenally good segment.
* We come back from commercial with Casey doing “Fat Bottom Girls”! With Jack Black! This shouldn’t work at all … and yet, this might be the most enjoyable performance so far! Now all we need is some, uum, “fat bottom girls” to parade around the stage.
And just like that, bam! We got some! On bikes to boot! With really bright mini-skirts in neon color patterns. This is beyond awesome! In the words of my great ex-roommate, (dusty voice) I’d tap that.
God bless it, I love, I mean I freaking LOVE, the Idol Season Finale!!! That rocked the f*cking house!!!
You can check out Kung Fu Panda II this weekend. Uuh … no thanks.
* Next up, the top 13 ladies as Seacrest stalls for time. 32 minutes in, and Seacrest finally mentions that this is a results show. Wait, this is a competition? Anyways, here we go.
And they’re doing a Beyonce medley. Holy God, Asthton Jones looks hot. And how the hell did Thia Megia make the top 13 over Kendra Chantelle?
We opened with “Shoulda Put a Ring on It”, and then “Irreplacable”, by the way.
Oh. My. F*CKING. GOD! Haley has a garter on, and there is not even an attempt to cover it up. Excuse me for the next 22 seconds … and we’re back. What can I say, I’m a year older, I lost a second off my, uuh, staying power.
Sorry to say, I didn’t recognize the last Beyonce song. But now it’s “If I Were A Man”. And I gotta admit, I think Asthton Jones went home at least three weeks too early.
Ladies and gentlemen … BEYONCE!!! A huge pop as she comes out to do “Crazy In Love”!!!
Holy Lord. Yes, yes, yes! Yes, I’d tap that. Twice if she asked nicely.
Awesome stuff! A tremendous five minutes of television!
* We come back from commercial. Idols Top 11 arrives in KC in early August. Yes, I’m considering it. Next up, the judges tribute to Steven Tyler.
And it opens with Tyler emerging from the limo, holding up a blunt all of us who, uuh, enjoy a blunt now and then, are absolutely drooling over (I mean Christ, this thing is packed fuller than anything me and my friends have ever brought to a 311 or Snoop Dogg concert … uuh, not that I’ve ever inahled an illegal drug at a 311 or Snoop Dogg concert …), anyways, then Tyler goes, “I’m guessing you can’t show this on film” as he puts it up to his lips. So … he gets back into the limo, tokes, and opens the door, then exhales. I freaking love it.
And my favorite Tyler quote: “hell, fire, sage and matches, f*ck a duck and see what happens!” Given at the end of Scotty’s audition. Sweet Jesus, I love this show!!!
“Was I nervous about doing this? You bet your booty. And since we’re now talking about Jennifer …”
To Lauren: “you keep singing like that, you’ll be able to afford the rest of that dress”.
To some random auditioner whose name is Jake Muck: “you know what Muck rhymes with right?” The contestant, a little scared, replies “Duck?” Steven: “no, f … antastic!”
I’m telling you, the judges clips were the best.
* Next up, Haley and Tony Bennett! And yes, this was by FAR and away, my favorite performance of the night.
I’ll just simply say, Youtube! it. I can’t begin to do it justice. It’s that f … antastic!
They had so much fun up there. I totally dug this. Including the impromptu dance sequence. Absolutely dug everything about this.
“The big day may … be … to … night!!!”
Even on the results show, JLo is still faking her applause for Haley.
* Time to roast JLo.
Contestant: “how old are you?”
JLo: “young enough for you, don’t worry.”
Female contestant: “I think you are so gorgeous”
Randy: “well thank you, I shower, I shave, usually daily --
JLo: “for one time, can you just let me accept the compliment?”
(laughs all around)
Another great segment.
* Oh My F*CKING GOD! TLC! With Lil’ Jon! Holy God! Joined by the top 13 ladies too!
(Side note: when this came on last night, the “Voice of Reason” sent me what might be the single funniest text I’ve ever gotten. “And Andre Rison has just burned al davis’ house down. If you know what I mean”. Every Chiefs fan is laughing hysterically right now.
We open with “No Scrubs”, then into “Waterfalls”.
And yes, it scares me that Chilli has a far better looking stomach than me. Although in my defense, I have spent years working on the beer gut. And yes, it also frightens me that her, uuh, boobs are about my size too. Christ I’m out of shape. Unless looking like Peter Griffin counts as a shape. “Look at that side boob. Like that side boob? Well you shouldn’t, because that’s my side boob!”
Well that was three minutes I will have no problems forgetting ever occurred.
Good Lord, I’m not even halfway through this.
* Scotty and Tim McGraw! “Live Like You Were Dying”! THIS is gonna burn the house down! (Wait, after a TLC performance, was that too soon?)
Slezak’s funniest line today: “what was lower last night, McGraw’s hat or Scotty’s voice?”
I freaking love this song.
Although even if I was “living like I was dying”, there isn’t a shot in hell itself I’d “give forgiveness I’ve been denying” to deadbeat ex roommate. (dusty voice) damn skippy!
You know what makes this performance so damned good? Is that McGraw is deferring to Scotty on every big moment. And not just that … but Scotty’s up to the challenge. Awesome stuff.
Scotty looks like he’s having the greatest moment in his life. I am totally digging this. Good to see him loosen up and have some fun on the stage for once.
The end of this, he just has a goofy ass grin on his face, like “how did I ever get here?!?!” Incredible stuff. Incredible performance. God I love this show!!!
McGraw on tour this summer too! Damn, this could be a costly, costly summer …
* Ugh, the look back at the worst of the auditions. THIS … is why I refuse to tune in until Top 24.
There’s another three minutes I’m never getting back.
* Next up, Mark Anthony. Who, if Stefano is smart, is the exact type of artist he should be taking notes of while he performs.
In a related development, I really have to pee. Back in (chuck woolery voice) two and two.
* And we’re back, with a humorous look back at Casey and James’ eliminations, with each claiming their was worse. This actually isn’t half bad from an unintentional comedy perspective.
And a great ending with Pia.
* Next up, Casey, James, and the rest of the top 13 guys. Covering Tom Jones’ classics!!! Oh yeah, whoa whoa whoa, she’s a lady!!!
Wait, do you think “pussycat, I love you” is a metaphor? As in, drop the cat? Nah …
How about “it’s good to touch the green, green grass of home”? Another metaphor? God I hope so.
This is making me want to hop on the next flight to Vegas, it’s that good. And I’d settle for seeing Wayne Newton instead of Tom Jones.
Hell, I’d settle for seeing Gladys Knight at the Tropicana.
Ladies and Gentlemen … SIR TOM JONES!!!
“It’s not unusual …”!!!
Good f*cking God, someone has hit the tanning bed. And you know what? If I look this damned good in my 70s, I might finally get laid as much as I deserve to be. Of course, my performance would be drug aided, but what the hell. Wait, did I just say that out loud?
Awesome stuff!!! Woo Tom Jones!!! Excuse me, SIR Tom Jones!!!
* And we’re back from commercial, with a look back at our two finalists journeys.
Nope, scrap that, it’s a Ford commercial with our two finalists. Yes, I finally get to drop it, with about 50 minutes to go. Colonel Mustard, in the study, with the knife. They killed this.
(And for the love of everything that every religious person considers to be holy, please, don’t tell me I have to explain the “Clue” references. Please.)
Aw, their favorite teachers get a free Ford, plus up to $10k for their school.
And I’m not trying to be sarcastic – these two are still in high school for God’s sake. Seacrest: “you guys have hot teachers”. Oy.
Scotty hauls out his Price is Right voice with “a brand new car!” THAT was hilarious. Nice to see the kid does have a sense of humor after all. I would hope he does. Enjoy life kid, we’re certainly enjoying you.
And our finalists get the keys to ANY Ford vehicle they want! Suh-weet! I’d be getting me an Explorer, always liked that car. I might have driven the Blazer for years, but the Explorer is better.
* Ladies and Gentlemen … THIS … is Lady GaGa! And THIS … I cannot wait to witness. I mean, she showed up for her mentoring cession wearing heels that were literally a dildo of a very real quality. I cannot WAIT to witness what she does tonight.
(Plus, if you haven’t seen “The Golden Rule” from SNL this week, you have to. “It’s not gay in a three way! With a lady there’s some leeway! As funny as “D*ck in a Box” and “Mother Lover” were, I laughed harder at this one than the others. And yes, my sense of humor is a little bit out there, but this was damned funny.)
Uuh, I cannot do her outfit justice. Other than, she’s wearing a lampshade. And yes, in her own words, “there’s no reason I shouldn’t take you home tonight”.
(Side rant: remember how growing up, and granted, only some of my readers will, but remember how the most religious mom amongst us (and that would be Tim’s mom), was so full of disgust and hate about Madonna? About how “she’s the worst society can ever get”? Hey, I love Carolyn to death, and to this day, she’s the only Republican I’ve ever campaigned for … but really? I think we’ve sunk far lower than Madonna with Lady GaGa. And honestly? I can’t wait to see how much lower we sink as a society. It’s fascinating, in a “no wonder 5/6 of the world hates us enough to want to kill us” kind of way.)
And like Madonna, this chick has more talent in her left pinky fingernail, than I have in my entire body.
And yes, I am laughing my ass off at the obvious “phallic symbol” this mountain top represents.
And yes, if she’s got ropes on her, and she “shoots off” the top in a minute from now, it might be the funniest moment of my life.
Hang on, I might get my wish. Shirtless dude just came up to start dancing with her. I swear to God, if they go Peter Pan here and “launch” into space, it’ll be the greatest unintentional comedy moment of all time.
So far, just dancing. But “I’m on the edge with you!” Come on, it’s ok. Let it, uuh, go!
OK, shirtless dude is the luckiest dude in America, for at least a couple seconds. I would so love to have had that last scene with her.
And … the camera cuts away as he spreads her legs. God f*cking dammit! If this was on any network but FOX, we might have seen a money shot. Again, did I just say that out loud?
And … scene! As smoke “erupts” from whatever the hell the “mountain” was supposed to be. Good God, I need a long, cold shower. Back in “two and two” … ok, more like “five and five” …
* And we’re back. With Lauren? Opening a Carrie Underwood classic, “Before He Cheats”. Should probably note, any song that contains the word “frisky”, I love. “Frisky” is one of those words like “Dingy”, you can’t help but laugh.
Ladies and gentlemen … your season four winner, Carrie Underwood!!!
And all I can say is … I need 21 seconds.
Anyone who says this show is nothing but karaoke, uuh, I give you Carrie Underwood! Kelly Clarkson! Chris Daughtry! Jordin Sparks! Jennifer Hudson! Lee DeWyze! OK, bad choice there, but still. Carrie! Underwood! Holy God she is hot tonight! She’s in it to win it!
And like McGraw with Scotty … Carrie saves the huge moments for Lauren. This is awesome.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Idol at its worst is better than 75% of everything else out there. Idol at its best, is better than 99.99% of everything else out there. THIS … is Idol at its best!!!
Incredible! Can these two go out on tour this summer too, to officially bankrupt me? Please?
* Seacrest notes this is “our youngest matchup ever for the Finale”. Yeah. Their combined ages … are still younger than my actual age. Excuse me while I light myself on fire, fanatical Islam style.
(And no, I’m not apologizing for that. Sorry. Like Lou Dobbs noted when there was a taco crisis a few years ago, “sorry! The simple fact is, if you didn’t eat a taco last week, you didn’t get sick!” OK, that was a fake Lou Dobbs on SNL, but I’ll say it again: “sorry! The simple fact is, no Christian has ever hijacked a plane and flown it into a building with the expressed intent of killing everyone in said building!” If that makes me anti-Islam, then I proudly wear that title. Let’s move on before the religious right embraces me as one of their own, which I most assuredly am not and will never be …)
Top 13 looking back on the top 2.
Stefano: “so we have like two 6th graders in the competition, and they’ve kicked our ass”.
Stefano: “wasn’t American Juniors cancelled a while ago?” Zing!
Although jokingly, Casey accurately sums up my feelings about this Finale: “Thanks a lot America, for making us feel stupid!” Yup. Yup we are.
About 30 minutes to go. About 11 beers left in the 30 pack I bought yesterday. I think that’s enough. Maybe. Looking forward to finding out.
* Next up, Beyonce, doing her next single, “One Plus One”. I can’t help it, sorry. (president george w. bush voice) equals 3? Come on, I bash Barry far more than I bashed Bush. I hate incompetence on either side, especially on the left. Hence my utter contempt for Barry, and my mild despise for W. (And my daily prayer that Hillary sees the light, and gets in this thing before it’s too late. Although again, I’ll say it: Gingrich intrigues me. Really, really intrigues me. A conservative who gets it. I didn’t think there were any of those left anymore.)
Let’s just say, this single is underwhelming.
OK, ok, by popular demand ( aka “I just thought of it”), one more time this “Idol” season: Miss White, the rope, the billiard room. She’s killing this.
“Make Love to Me, When the World’s at War”. Well, at least Beyonce has her priorities straight. Somewhere, Jay-Z is springing upright in a hurry. I’ve given up asking if I’m typing out loud, I just assume I am.
* Commercial.
* And we’re back. Good God, we’re still 20 some odd minutes from results. Try outs in St. Louis and Denver next year. Oh Christ, it’s a Spiderman on Broadway composition, with Bono and The Edge. So, I’ll ask it: what’s the death count over/under for this, 1.5? I’ll gamble and say “under”, but like I said, it’s a gamble.
This … is not the last musical act I’d pick. But it’s not half bad.
We’ve got 15 minutes left. Gotta assume a commercial, then results.
* Hey, I called that! Maybe. Hey, it’s Steven Tyler at the piano! Doing “Dream On”!!!!
This is going to f*cking rock!!!
Say what you want about him, for being 60 and enjoying the life he has, he’s still one of the best in the business.
“Sing with me! Sing for the year!”
“Maybe tomorrow, the Good Lord will take you away!”
He’s still f*cking got it!!!
The remaining judges are as into this as I am!
You know what? That won me over. Bring this judges panel back!!!
* And … the results. It has to be Scotty.
For the tenth straight year, please welcome … Mr. Edward Bellington!
For the last time this year … “DIM THE LIGHTS, HERE WE GO!!!”
“The winner of American Idol Season 10 IS … SCOTTY MCCREERY!!!!”
Every person in the top 13 is cheering. It’s the right outcome.
Scotty is in tears. As I would be too. Job well done champ!!! Job well done!!!
Scotty actually looks happy. Good for him!
Seacrest: “Thank you at home for one of our best seasons ever!” And you know what? For once, I’m not calling bullsh*t on that statement. This WAS one of the best seasons ever. The ONLY season I enjoyed more than this was season six. And if Stefano had made top two, I might have liked this better. I mean, Blake was the “trailblazer” in season six. You don’t have David Cook, you don’t have Adam Lambert, without Blake Lewis in season six. And yet … has there EVER been a better top 8 than this year? Not just top 4, which I rated as Idol’s best ever. But top 8! Other than Jacob (who should have been Pia), flip a coin! Scotty, Lauren, Haley, James, Casey, Paul, and my rubber chicken Stefano, what a talent load! If season 11 is even HALF this good, it’s still better than pretty much every other season.
So thank you, Idol, for restoring my confidence in you. Thank you, Idol, for giving us some genuine feel-good stories to root for (Stefano surving the drunk driver hitting him, James overcoming multiple issues, Haley overcoming biased judiciating).
I’m so ready for season 11, I might finally tune in for the trainwrecks in the audition rounds!
(And for what it’s worth, Scotty’s debut single isn’t half bad …)
idol's 25 best performances from season 10 according to stevo
If nothing else, at least season 10 of "American Idol" recaptured some of the past magic of this show. Memorable contestants? check. Memorable judging moments? Check. Shock eliminations? check. At least two questionable top 12/13 judges choices? check.
Most importantly of all -- deliver a competition rock solid enough to make me tune in to every single performance episode from the Top 24 on? check.
At some point (probably Saturday or Sunday), I will recap last night's Season Finale, because it really was a damned fun two hours and eight minutes of television (as the Idol Season Finale nearly always is). However, I am not planning to recap the Top 2 Performance episode, because quite honestly, it bored me to the point of laying my head down on a pillow and drifting in and out of conscienceness. I'm not a huge fan of country music. Hearing two country artists do their thing is not necessarily entertainment to me. But I will say this -- Idol did deliver a solid final two. You can question which of the top four should have been in the top 2 (and God knows I strongly object to Lauren being the second best out of her, Scotty, James and Haley), but give Idol (and us, the voting public) credit for sending through the four best Idols in this competition to the Final Four. This was by far and away the strongest Final Four that Idol has ever had, and the only season that even comes close is Season Six. (No matter who you rank last of this year's Final Four, they all were better than LaKisha Jones from season six. Top three though, wow, tough call between this year and season six. I'd take Jordin over Scotty, I'd take Blake over Lauren, but Haley or James are so superior to Melinda that she pretty much makes the comparison a draw.)
So, here's my 25 favorite performances of the season, and yes, there were at least 25 from the Top 24 onward that had me standing and applauding and rewinding over and over again. Season nine had maybe 4 performances like that, and two of them were in the Top 3.
Honorable Mention: "The Climb" by Lauren Alaina, top 8 (Songs from the Movies). Also known as "the song that made the judges decide with seven weeks to go that Lauren must be in the Finals, so they began to trash any and all other female contestants remaining".
25. "Alone" by Jacob Lusk, top 12 (Year You Were Born). In hindsight, I liked this song way too much when it was performed. In hindsight, I completely overrated Jacob as a performer. But this was still a solid effort of a song that every Idol addict knows Carrie Underwood owns.
24. "Check Yes or No" by Scotty McCreery, top 2 (Finals). Whatever I may think of Scotty's complete lack of variety and complete refusal to challenge himself, you know what? This kid is going to sell a sh*t ton of records in the country market. He's tailor-made for that genre.
23. "Uprising" by James Durbin, top 7 (Songs from the 21st Century). From the moment he took the stage with a full on marching band behind him, it was a jaw-droppingly sweet spectacle.
22. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Casey Abrams, top 12 (Year You Were Born). Yes, musically, this was a vocal trainwreck on par with the worst disaster movie imaginable. But still, from a "wow!" perspective, this gamble paid off big time. It was fun to listen to. And isn't that at least some of what this show is about, giving a thoroughly enjoyable performance that the audience loves enough to keep you around for another week? I say yes.
21. "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Stefano Langone, top 12 (Year You Were Born). I honestly thought Stefano was a lock for the top three after this performance, coupled with his wild card effort that's coming up later in this countdown. Oy. The lesson? Whichever Idol I pick as my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, just assume they're going to flame out early.
20. "Anyway" by Lauren Alaina, top 4 (Songs that Inspire / Lieber and Stoller). This was her best effort of the season, I thought. My issue with Lauren is slightly different than my issue with Scotty. Lauren just kinda was stagnant. She never got better. If anything, she got worse as the season went along. That's why I preferred Haley to her in the Finals. But she was definitely Top 4 material, I can't argue too much about that.
19. "Up On the Roof" by Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery, top 6 (Carole King). Just a phenomenal effort from these two. Gotta be honest, and I say this as a biased, unabashed huge, and I mean hu-yuge fan of Carole King -- I had never heard a country version of this classic before. This was damned good. Probably should have been ranked higher than 19, honestly, but there really were 18 efforts I liked better. Told ya this was a rock solid season.
18. "Maybe I'm Amazed" by James Durbin, top 13 (Personal Idols). A fantastic version of an amazing song. I chose his exit performance from Top 4 Results Show as the Youtube! clip, simply because I liked it better.
17. "Maggie May" by Paul McDonald, top 24. Paul was the great "could have been" in this competition. If he'd pulled a Scotty and stuck to what he is really good at, if he'd gone with covering Brett Dennen, Damian Rice, the Avett Brothers, Ben Harper (aka "music that dominates Stevo's iPod"), I think he could have made a deep run. Instead, he tried to branch out, which is admirable, but it bit him in the ass in the end. Still, I'd buy a Paul McDonald cd. And I'd absolutely burn one down with him.
16. "Lately" by Stefano Langone, top 13 (Personal Idols). One of two songs by Stevie Wonder I will stop what I'm doing and just listen to anytime it comes on (the other one being "Overjoyed"). Phenomenal version of this classic that most people my age know better because Jodeci covered it. (And their version is beyond incredible too. Seriously, what the hell ever happened to Jodeci? I need to Google search this, inquiring minds want to know.)
(And according to Wikipedia, they're still around! They reformed the group in 2009 to do a performance with H-Town, another "what the hell happened to them?!?!" r&b group from the early 1990s. See, who says this site isn't informative! "Somebody rockin' knockin' da boots!")
15. "The Tracks of My Tears" by Paul McDonald, top 11 part one (Motown). Stripped it down to just a guitar and his voice, no band backup ... and then went up-tempo with it. Very solid performance.
14. "Bennie and the Jets" by Haley Reinhart, top 11 part two (Sir Elton John). The first signs of life out of Haley. She only got better from here (and she's got at least a couple more appearances coming up). Like with James a moment ago, I chose her final performance as the Youtube! clip, because it was that damned good.
13. "Don't Stop Believin'" by James Durbin, top 4 (Songs that Inspire / Lieber and Stoller). Yes, vocally ... well, for what might be the final time this season, vocally, he killed it. With the wrench, in the conservatory. But as a performance? Come on. This was the FUNNEST effort of the season by any of the contestants. You could tell he was having a blast up there, and to be fair, so was I watching this. You're damned right I was singing along to every word. The worst performance of this song is still better than 99.99% of anything ever recorded. How can you NOT have fun performing this song? If I had a voice that didn't sound like a cross between Screech from "Saved by the Bell" and Peter Brady when he hit puberty, and people would pay to listen to me sing in concert? You're damned right I'd perform this every night.
(And please, for the love of God, don't tell me I have to explain to half my readers who Peter Brady is. Please. If you don't know "The Brady Bunch", there really is absolutely no hope for (joe pesci voice) utes of today. Oh Christ, I bet I now have to explain the "Joe Pesci Voice" as well. God bless it, I am freaking old.)
12. "You've Got a Friend" by Scotty McCreery, top 6 (Carole King). If any performance along the way all but ensured Scotty was reaching the final, it had to be this one. He absolutely owned this song. This might have been his best effort overall. (There's two by him I liked better, but vocally, this might have been his finest hour).
11. "I (Who Have Nothing)" by Haley Reinhart, top 4 (Songs That Inspire / Lieber and Stoller). By far and away the best performance on Idol's worst night of the season. I honestly was kinda creeped out by the performance. I totally can picture Haley stalking her man in a restaurant window, ala Julia Roberts in "Something to Talk About". Great performance that just missed my top 10.
10. "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not" by Scotty McCreery, top 3. Phenomenally good. And a rare moment for Scotty -- he actually looked like he was having fun during this performance. Usually he looks like me in a pew on Sunday morning while he's on stage -- anything but "just happy to be here", but he actually seemed to be enjoying himself in this performance. Good for him.
9. "I Need You Now" by Stefano Langone, wildcard round. By far and away my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken's best effort. Not my favorite by him, but this was his best effort.
8. "Love Potion Number 9" by James Durbin, top 4 (Songs that Inspire / Lieber and Stoller). Say what you want about James, and certainly, he had the worst night of the four in the top 4, but at least he puts on a show. I absolutely would pay to see James in concert. He's entertaining. Does Scotty have a better voice? Probably. But I wouldn't pay to watch Scotty in concert, because I'm picturing myself snoring away in the ninth row as he delivers his 8th straight slow country ballad. James? Impossible to fall asleep. Something crazy, new and different every couple minutes. You gotta like that. Scotty will probably be the most successful of this year's Idols (although I actually think Paul is going to surprise people with how well he does post-Idol). But James is going to be the one that Idol fans remember the best from this season.
7. "Rolling in the Deep" by Haley Reinhart, top 7 (Songs from the 21st Century). If "Bennie and the Jets" was the first sign that Haley might have a run in her, this song left no doubt.
6. "She Believes in Me" by Scotty McCreery, top 3. My favorite Scotty effort of the season. No, it probably wasn't his best, and it probably wasn't as good as I make it out to be. But for one song at least, Scotty pushed the limits of his range, and showed that yes, he could have handled a different type of song if he'd been forced to make something other than a deep country vocal work.
5. "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" by Pia Toscano, top 12 (Year You Were Born). I know, you're asking it. Hell, every recapper and blogger and wanna-be Idoloonie in America is asking it. And "it" is this: how in the hell did Pia only finish 9th? Here's how, via the completely unscientific, completely biased Steve "would you take Pia over (blank)" poll that I just invented. So ...
* would I take Pia over Scotty? Nope.
* would I take Pia over Lauren? Amazingly enough ... nope.
* would I take Pia over Haley? Nope.
* would I take Pia over James? Nope.
* would I take Pia over Jacob? F*ck yes, every day of the week, and twice on performance night.
* would I take Pia over Casey? Nope. But it's tempting.
* would I take Pia over Stefano? Hell no.
* would I take Pia over Paul? Nope.
So at best, I would have rated her 8th. She went home 9th. Can't really fault where she left the show, even if it was the second "shock elimination" in the first four results shows. Yes, the field really was that deep this year. Last year, Pia probably wins the whole thing (although I would have still voted for Crystal or Siobhan or the criminitely robbed Alex Lambert over her). This year? 9th, and her peak was probably 8th. Whatever I may think of the judges, and believe me, I want to go Miss Scarlet, with the candlestick, in the kitchen with at least two of them, you gotta give them credit for who they picked for the top 13. (Unlike last year, when my favorite contestant, Alex Lambert, didn't even make the top 12. How dare you judges! How dare you!)
4. "Just the Way You Are" by Stefano Langone, top 24. "When I see your face / There's not a thing that I would change / Because you're amazing / Just the way you are!" Love that song. And Stefano did a damned good job covering it. It ain't easy to cover one of the hottest acts going. Stefano pulled it off.
3. "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" by James Durbin, top 6 (Carole King). The best 30 seconds Idol offered all season, might have been the opening 30 seconds of this song. I wish James had turned the whole song into an acapella masterpiece, like the first 30 seconds were. Unfortunately, he went all James on us, and brought in the band, the special effects, and all the distractions he usually offered. But for 30 seconds, it was as close to perfection as Idol came this year.
2. "Gunpowder and Lead" by Lauren Alaina and Haley Reinhart, top 4 (Results Show Group Performance). This was Lauren's finest hour. Haley brought out the star that Lauren can be with this. Also possibly the funnest female performance of the season. You could tell these two were totally having a blast on stage, they complimented each other perfectly. I like seeing people have fun. God forbid we enjoy a few moments of pure pleasure out of this life. This performance was two minutes of pure pleasure. But as great as this was ...
1. "House of the Rising Sun" by Haley Reinhart, top 5 (Songs from Then and Now). THIS was Idol's finest hour. If James' intro to "Will You Love Me Tomorrow" wasn't Idol's best 30 seconds this year, then Haley's intro here was. She not only is following up Scotty and Lauren, she not only has just endured one of the most ridiculous, biased, over-the-top judges critiques imaginable, she has to come out and close the show. And she delivers the performance of a lifetime. Absolutely wonderful.
Questions, thoughts, concerns, or "how the f*ck did you forget ..." rants? Hit up the comments, or hit me up on Facebook or Twitter at teamtito15 ...
Most importantly of all -- deliver a competition rock solid enough to make me tune in to every single performance episode from the Top 24 on? check.
At some point (probably Saturday or Sunday), I will recap last night's Season Finale, because it really was a damned fun two hours and eight minutes of television (as the Idol Season Finale nearly always is). However, I am not planning to recap the Top 2 Performance episode, because quite honestly, it bored me to the point of laying my head down on a pillow and drifting in and out of conscienceness. I'm not a huge fan of country music. Hearing two country artists do their thing is not necessarily entertainment to me. But I will say this -- Idol did deliver a solid final two. You can question which of the top four should have been in the top 2 (and God knows I strongly object to Lauren being the second best out of her, Scotty, James and Haley), but give Idol (and us, the voting public) credit for sending through the four best Idols in this competition to the Final Four. This was by far and away the strongest Final Four that Idol has ever had, and the only season that even comes close is Season Six. (No matter who you rank last of this year's Final Four, they all were better than LaKisha Jones from season six. Top three though, wow, tough call between this year and season six. I'd take Jordin over Scotty, I'd take Blake over Lauren, but Haley or James are so superior to Melinda that she pretty much makes the comparison a draw.)
So, here's my 25 favorite performances of the season, and yes, there were at least 25 from the Top 24 onward that had me standing and applauding and rewinding over and over again. Season nine had maybe 4 performances like that, and two of them were in the Top 3.
Honorable Mention: "The Climb" by Lauren Alaina, top 8 (Songs from the Movies). Also known as "the song that made the judges decide with seven weeks to go that Lauren must be in the Finals, so they began to trash any and all other female contestants remaining".
25. "Alone" by Jacob Lusk, top 12 (Year You Were Born). In hindsight, I liked this song way too much when it was performed. In hindsight, I completely overrated Jacob as a performer. But this was still a solid effort of a song that every Idol addict knows Carrie Underwood owns.
24. "Check Yes or No" by Scotty McCreery, top 2 (Finals). Whatever I may think of Scotty's complete lack of variety and complete refusal to challenge himself, you know what? This kid is going to sell a sh*t ton of records in the country market. He's tailor-made for that genre.
23. "Uprising" by James Durbin, top 7 (Songs from the 21st Century). From the moment he took the stage with a full on marching band behind him, it was a jaw-droppingly sweet spectacle.
22. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Casey Abrams, top 12 (Year You Were Born). Yes, musically, this was a vocal trainwreck on par with the worst disaster movie imaginable. But still, from a "wow!" perspective, this gamble paid off big time. It was fun to listen to. And isn't that at least some of what this show is about, giving a thoroughly enjoyable performance that the audience loves enough to keep you around for another week? I say yes.
21. "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Stefano Langone, top 12 (Year You Were Born). I honestly thought Stefano was a lock for the top three after this performance, coupled with his wild card effort that's coming up later in this countdown. Oy. The lesson? Whichever Idol I pick as my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, just assume they're going to flame out early.
20. "Anyway" by Lauren Alaina, top 4 (Songs that Inspire / Lieber and Stoller). This was her best effort of the season, I thought. My issue with Lauren is slightly different than my issue with Scotty. Lauren just kinda was stagnant. She never got better. If anything, she got worse as the season went along. That's why I preferred Haley to her in the Finals. But she was definitely Top 4 material, I can't argue too much about that.
19. "Up On the Roof" by Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery, top 6 (Carole King). Just a phenomenal effort from these two. Gotta be honest, and I say this as a biased, unabashed huge, and I mean hu-yuge fan of Carole King -- I had never heard a country version of this classic before. This was damned good. Probably should have been ranked higher than 19, honestly, but there really were 18 efforts I liked better. Told ya this was a rock solid season.
18. "Maybe I'm Amazed" by James Durbin, top 13 (Personal Idols). A fantastic version of an amazing song. I chose his exit performance from Top 4 Results Show as the Youtube! clip, simply because I liked it better.
17. "Maggie May" by Paul McDonald, top 24. Paul was the great "could have been" in this competition. If he'd pulled a Scotty and stuck to what he is really good at, if he'd gone with covering Brett Dennen, Damian Rice, the Avett Brothers, Ben Harper (aka "music that dominates Stevo's iPod"), I think he could have made a deep run. Instead, he tried to branch out, which is admirable, but it bit him in the ass in the end. Still, I'd buy a Paul McDonald cd. And I'd absolutely burn one down with him.
16. "Lately" by Stefano Langone, top 13 (Personal Idols). One of two songs by Stevie Wonder I will stop what I'm doing and just listen to anytime it comes on (the other one being "Overjoyed"). Phenomenal version of this classic that most people my age know better because Jodeci covered it. (And their version is beyond incredible too. Seriously, what the hell ever happened to Jodeci? I need to Google search this, inquiring minds want to know.)
(And according to Wikipedia, they're still around! They reformed the group in 2009 to do a performance with H-Town, another "what the hell happened to them?!?!" r&b group from the early 1990s. See, who says this site isn't informative! "Somebody rockin' knockin' da boots!")
15. "The Tracks of My Tears" by Paul McDonald, top 11 part one (Motown). Stripped it down to just a guitar and his voice, no band backup ... and then went up-tempo with it. Very solid performance.
14. "Bennie and the Jets" by Haley Reinhart, top 11 part two (Sir Elton John). The first signs of life out of Haley. She only got better from here (and she's got at least a couple more appearances coming up). Like with James a moment ago, I chose her final performance as the Youtube! clip, because it was that damned good.
13. "Don't Stop Believin'" by James Durbin, top 4 (Songs that Inspire / Lieber and Stoller). Yes, vocally ... well, for what might be the final time this season, vocally, he killed it. With the wrench, in the conservatory. But as a performance? Come on. This was the FUNNEST effort of the season by any of the contestants. You could tell he was having a blast up there, and to be fair, so was I watching this. You're damned right I was singing along to every word. The worst performance of this song is still better than 99.99% of anything ever recorded. How can you NOT have fun performing this song? If I had a voice that didn't sound like a cross between Screech from "Saved by the Bell" and Peter Brady when he hit puberty, and people would pay to listen to me sing in concert? You're damned right I'd perform this every night.
(And please, for the love of God, don't tell me I have to explain to half my readers who Peter Brady is. Please. If you don't know "The Brady Bunch", there really is absolutely no hope for (joe pesci voice) utes of today. Oh Christ, I bet I now have to explain the "Joe Pesci Voice" as well. God bless it, I am freaking old.)
12. "You've Got a Friend" by Scotty McCreery, top 6 (Carole King). If any performance along the way all but ensured Scotty was reaching the final, it had to be this one. He absolutely owned this song. This might have been his best effort overall. (There's two by him I liked better, but vocally, this might have been his finest hour).
11. "I (Who Have Nothing)" by Haley Reinhart, top 4 (Songs That Inspire / Lieber and Stoller). By far and away the best performance on Idol's worst night of the season. I honestly was kinda creeped out by the performance. I totally can picture Haley stalking her man in a restaurant window, ala Julia Roberts in "Something to Talk About". Great performance that just missed my top 10.
10. "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not" by Scotty McCreery, top 3. Phenomenally good. And a rare moment for Scotty -- he actually looked like he was having fun during this performance. Usually he looks like me in a pew on Sunday morning while he's on stage -- anything but "just happy to be here", but he actually seemed to be enjoying himself in this performance. Good for him.
9. "I Need You Now" by Stefano Langone, wildcard round. By far and away my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken's best effort. Not my favorite by him, but this was his best effort.
8. "Love Potion Number 9" by James Durbin, top 4 (Songs that Inspire / Lieber and Stoller). Say what you want about James, and certainly, he had the worst night of the four in the top 4, but at least he puts on a show. I absolutely would pay to see James in concert. He's entertaining. Does Scotty have a better voice? Probably. But I wouldn't pay to watch Scotty in concert, because I'm picturing myself snoring away in the ninth row as he delivers his 8th straight slow country ballad. James? Impossible to fall asleep. Something crazy, new and different every couple minutes. You gotta like that. Scotty will probably be the most successful of this year's Idols (although I actually think Paul is going to surprise people with how well he does post-Idol). But James is going to be the one that Idol fans remember the best from this season.
7. "Rolling in the Deep" by Haley Reinhart, top 7 (Songs from the 21st Century). If "Bennie and the Jets" was the first sign that Haley might have a run in her, this song left no doubt.
6. "She Believes in Me" by Scotty McCreery, top 3. My favorite Scotty effort of the season. No, it probably wasn't his best, and it probably wasn't as good as I make it out to be. But for one song at least, Scotty pushed the limits of his range, and showed that yes, he could have handled a different type of song if he'd been forced to make something other than a deep country vocal work.
5. "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" by Pia Toscano, top 12 (Year You Were Born). I know, you're asking it. Hell, every recapper and blogger and wanna-be Idoloonie in America is asking it. And "it" is this: how in the hell did Pia only finish 9th? Here's how, via the completely unscientific, completely biased Steve "would you take Pia over (blank)" poll that I just invented. So ...
* would I take Pia over Scotty? Nope.
* would I take Pia over Lauren? Amazingly enough ... nope.
* would I take Pia over Haley? Nope.
* would I take Pia over James? Nope.
* would I take Pia over Jacob? F*ck yes, every day of the week, and twice on performance night.
* would I take Pia over Casey? Nope. But it's tempting.
* would I take Pia over Stefano? Hell no.
* would I take Pia over Paul? Nope.
So at best, I would have rated her 8th. She went home 9th. Can't really fault where she left the show, even if it was the second "shock elimination" in the first four results shows. Yes, the field really was that deep this year. Last year, Pia probably wins the whole thing (although I would have still voted for Crystal or Siobhan or the criminitely robbed Alex Lambert over her). This year? 9th, and her peak was probably 8th. Whatever I may think of the judges, and believe me, I want to go Miss Scarlet, with the candlestick, in the kitchen with at least two of them, you gotta give them credit for who they picked for the top 13. (Unlike last year, when my favorite contestant, Alex Lambert, didn't even make the top 12. How dare you judges! How dare you!)
4. "Just the Way You Are" by Stefano Langone, top 24. "When I see your face / There's not a thing that I would change / Because you're amazing / Just the way you are!" Love that song. And Stefano did a damned good job covering it. It ain't easy to cover one of the hottest acts going. Stefano pulled it off.
3. "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" by James Durbin, top 6 (Carole King). The best 30 seconds Idol offered all season, might have been the opening 30 seconds of this song. I wish James had turned the whole song into an acapella masterpiece, like the first 30 seconds were. Unfortunately, he went all James on us, and brought in the band, the special effects, and all the distractions he usually offered. But for 30 seconds, it was as close to perfection as Idol came this year.
2. "Gunpowder and Lead" by Lauren Alaina and Haley Reinhart, top 4 (Results Show Group Performance). This was Lauren's finest hour. Haley brought out the star that Lauren can be with this. Also possibly the funnest female performance of the season. You could tell these two were totally having a blast on stage, they complimented each other perfectly. I like seeing people have fun. God forbid we enjoy a few moments of pure pleasure out of this life. This performance was two minutes of pure pleasure. But as great as this was ...
1. "House of the Rising Sun" by Haley Reinhart, top 5 (Songs from Then and Now). THIS was Idol's finest hour. If James' intro to "Will You Love Me Tomorrow" wasn't Idol's best 30 seconds this year, then Haley's intro here was. She not only is following up Scotty and Lauren, she not only has just endured one of the most ridiculous, biased, over-the-top judges critiques imaginable, she has to come out and close the show. And she delivers the performance of a lifetime. Absolutely wonderful.
Questions, thoughts, concerns, or "how the f*ck did you forget ..." rants? Hit up the comments, or hit me up on Facebook or Twitter at teamtito15 ...
Monday, May 23, 2011
sunday at mass: where drunk parishioners are escorted out of their pew
Yesterday should have seen me in epic, full on meltdown mode.
I mean, think about the week that was -- a 2-4 homestand entering this game that saw the Royals sink below .500. Included in those four losses were a shutout (Saturday, 3-0 vs cardinals), and an 18 run boatracing that conjured up the worst repressed memories I could recall from 2004 (Monday, 19-1 to the Indians). The Royals had taken the mound with the lead for exactly 4 out of the 57 innings played in this homestand, and for exactly 4 of the last 75 innings they'd played.
Then comes Sunday, a near-perfect day for tailgating ... that somehow sees the washer set never pulled out, and somehow sees all six people in our group entering the stadium still under their own power. That's always disappointing -- you can usually count on two givens at a tailgate I'm involved with: (a) I'm losing at washers to Dusty, usually due to some epic comeback, and (b) someone's getting hammered. I feel like we failed. Anyways, this near-perfect day for tailgating then is hijacked by some mean dark, threatening clouds, and a light drizzle begins to fall prior to first pitch. Wonderful. And, as if that isn't bad enough, then Sean O'Sullivan goes out and pitches like ... uuh, Sean O'Sullivan, getting ripped a new backside opening by giving up 7 runs in 4 perfectly God awful innings of pitching. The bottom of the fifth dawns, the Royals trail 7-1 in a game that had one of those "if they could just win this one, maybe this rights the ship" kind of feeling to it, and to this point, they have shown zero, zip, nada inclination of the fantastic rally that was to come.
(They certainly had shown the capability for the 10th inning exhibition in piss poor pitching, however.)
As the bottom of the fifth dawned, and I started in on Budweiser numero tres (to go with a few Shiner's during tailgating), the mood in that stadium was surreal. For starters, those arrogant pricks that call themselves "fans" of the visiting team yesterday had completely and totally taken over Kauffman Stadium. Everywhere you looked was red, with an occasional pocket of blue. I looked out to center field in the bottom of the first and thought "Jesus, not even Rosenblatt is this red when Nebraska is playing!" It was ... honestly, it should have sent me into an angry rage, like a lot of things out there yesterday.
(Also, if those are the "best fans in baseball", I ain't seeing it. You know who most of the cardinals fans out there reminded me of yesterday? Phillies fans. Loud, obnoxious, visibly intoxicated, generally clueless about how to play the game, but they're more than willing to tell you why you and your team suck (a multi-inch part of the male anatomy). If those "fans" out there yesterday are the best baseball has to offer, then there's an opening for some fanbase to assume the title.)
And yet, by the time this game ended nearly three hours later (God, it took an eternity to play those last six innings yesterday), and I was safely and calmly enjoying a burnt end sandwich and a Pale Ale at Gates, I couldn't help but look back on the game, as tough of a loss as it was, and think "hey, this was pretty damned fun today". Part of it was due to a great group of people I went with yesterday, part of it was due to the nice lady sitting in front of us, part of it was due to the ridiculous fans two rows in front of us (more on them in a few), but mostly, it was due to a realization that I hate to, uuh, realize, but hey -- sometimes reality bites you in the ass, and you just have to man up and get the rabies shot.
And the awful realization is this: the 2011 Royals just aren't good enough to hang in this race. But they're gonna go down with the ship. They're going down with both barrels firing, with the cannon shooting whatever the hell a cannon shoots (a cannonball? Or is that just when a spectacularly fat person jumps into a pool?), my point is -- these guys are the scrappy underdogs I so totally dug across the parking lot last fall. And you know what? I'm good with that. This Royals team right now, that sits at 22-24, that is 3-7 in its last 10 contests, that without the book-end offensive explosions (11 at fake Yankee Stadium, 8 yesterday) has scored 8 runs in the other 8 games between those outings (uuh, that ain't good fellas), this team right now is as awful as it's going to get.
And if yesterday is as bad as it's gonna get around here for the next few years, I'm surprisingly good with it. For the first time this baseball season, a recap-type, uuh, recap on the game that was! I’ve been told as recently as Saturday by total random strangers that “hey, you’re the Chiefs recap guy! I love your stuff!” Hey, if an attractive, blonde, 30ish female is my reader fanbase … good God, I’d be in heaven …
* I didn't wake up until nearly 10am Sunday morning. After quickly hopping in the shower and locating the (now) 0-3 Bo Jackson t-shirt to wear, I decided to do this tailgate up right. I was praying Katie overslept. (We were supposed to meet up at 10:30). Thank God, she did. So I had 30 minutes or so to get ready. I quickly hopped in the car, drove to Royal Liquors ... and spent the next 20 minutes trying to pick a beer to drink. (In the interest of full disclosure, I went there because I figured if ANY place in town had Sammy Summer Ale available, it would be Royal. They have everything. Well, they had 9 different Sam Adams in the fridge and on display, including the Winter Ale still (huh?) ... but no Summer Ale yet. I was visibly disappointed.) Finally, I settle on Shiner, figure I might as well make it a true old-school tailgate, and buy a box of the Macanudo cigarillos too, and after Katie picks me up, we get everything loaded ... and I forget the tickets. Un-f*cking-believable. I even made a point to throw everything in the car before I left for Royal, to make sure I wouldn’t forget anything. The lesson? (red on “that 70s show” voice) you’re a dumbass!
Thankfully I remembered early on into the drive in about the tickets, we double back and get them, and it's off for a great hour and a half of tailgating. (As I noted during tailgating about forgetting the tickets, “I’m guessing the Royals don’t refund for being an idiot”. No, no they don’t.)
* Wasn't there even a beer before DJ and Kellie and DJ's mom and her sister arrive. Usually, you add folks older than me to the tailgating mix, and it's going to drag down the quality of the tailgate. (In the interest of full disclosure, of the tailgating folks my age, I’m second oldest, behind only Will. That … that sucks ass.)
Somehow, that didn't happen on Sunday. Good times had by all. That, and I
somehow managed to avoid blasting some other organized religion, so good for me. (Apparently some folks were offended at my mocking that quack Christian pastor who claimed the rapture was imminent, and even more people were offended when, in a state of possible intoxication, I pointed out that "say what you want about kooky Christians, they haven't intentionally flown a f*cking plane into a building yet!" as someone possibly of the Islamic faith was standing not even 5 feet away on Saturday. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's a god d*mned miracle I don't get my ass kicked more often.)
* After avoiding saying anything too bad, it was off to the game. Sadly, no washers got tossed. DJ’s excuse? “The grass was too tall, we’d have lost a washer.” I’m telling you, the kid is quaking in his sandals at me ending the streak. He is scared sh*tless when this 1,038,568,437,648 game losing streak is mercifully ended. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.
So no sooner did we grab the first round of beers, than the good folks from the Royals started snapping group pics of us like we were at Worlds of Fun or something. Now, I guess I have to be all good with a company trying to make a quick sleazy buck. It's the American way, after all. And certainly, after paying $9 a beer yesterday, in addition to an insane $9 / ticket "upcharge" because it was the cardinals (oh, and they jacked up the beer vendor prices too, from $7.50 to $8. Royals management is the best), I expect to be gouged in the eye when I go to a game. But this ... this is the very definition of Steve Rule ... wait, how is this not a Steve Rule? I just read the list, and it isn't in there! OK, so add one, this would be Steve Rule 53 I believe, and it is this: unchecked capitalism is the single greatest evil in the world today. And in case you doubt that statement, well, do yourself a favor: go to the Royals website (kcroyals.com), and under the Kauffman Stadium menu, choose Royals Fan Photos. Then choose yesterday's game (5/22 vs Cardinals), and choose Gallery 136, and scroll down about halfway down, and you will see three pretty neat pics of our group yesterday. Then click on one of the pics for a larger view, and you can pick any of the three you want. Because to print that bad boy off?
(wait for it ...)
Will set you back $17.95 PLUS applicable fees and taxes! In the words of an official family motto: "Sweet Jesus!" $18 plus just to PRINT a picture off the internet!?!? Are you f*cking kidding me! Now, to be fair, they slap this stupid-looking border around your picture, but again, (steve shouting in anger voice) $18 f*cking dollars! By the time you slap the fees and taxes in there (plus, of course, pay for your own photo paper to print the damned thing on), it would cost more to print a "lasting memory" of yesterday than it did to ATTEND yesterday! In the words of Brian Griffin, "what the hell?!?!"
For years, I have argued Steve Rule 36 ("Strip clubs are biggest waste of money known to mankind".) I might need to amend that rule. Seriously -- do you realize that you can get a 2-fer dance five nights a week at everyone's favorite run-down shack in a corn field in unincorporated Douglas County for LESS than it costs to print off one of these pictures?!?! I guarantee you, I'm not going to remember either event a year from now, but if I gotta choose between Bambi earning some tuition money while "Wonderwall" plays, or printing off a picture of a game the Royals lost, call me crazy, but Bambi's college fund just got $20 richer. Or Breezy, or Summer, or Diamond, or Cinnamon, or Destiny, or whatever ridiculous name said college chick is going by.
(Would I lie to you? OK, ok, on purpose? OK, ok, about the cost of a freaking picture? Exactly. This is outrageous. Oh, and above the pic on the webpage? An advertisement offering a "buy 2, get one free!" offer. No wonder they always make sure they snap three pics of you and/or your group. This is beyond outrageous. As Al Pacino said in "Scent of a Woman", "someone should take a flame-thrower to this place!" American capitalism makes me want to puke my guts out. Puke my guts out. No wonder 5/6 of the world hates us; we are beyond morally bankrupt as a nation. photo: kcroyals.com, re-appropriated thanks to Snag-It. Honestly? I can't wait for the "cease and desist" letter from One Kauffman Way for illegally acquiring this picture. Only a completely soulless, value-bankrupt American corporation would send one, let alone charge $18 freaking dollars to print a picture I could have taken with my phone for free. I fully expect it by the end of the week, guys. Trust me, it will make my month ...)
* Anyways, after enduring the pictures, it's off to our seats, which were really good yesterday (right field GA, about halfway up, on the aisle). Thankfully, Oxygen Tank Dude was in his usual spot in the front of 149. Because other than us, OTD and his crew, and the nice lady and her dad in front of me, yeah. Pretty much everybody else was in red and rooting for the cardinals.
* And they had a lot to cheer about early on. The Cards broke the lumber out early and often, making Sean O'Sullivan look like yet another failed Dayton Moore acquisition. (Which, to be fair, he pretty much is). And so, it is at this point, trailing 7-1 in the bottom of the fifth, that things begin to turn in the Boyz N Blue's favor.
* For starters, the sun came out. Call me vain, call me self-centered, call me mentally challenged, but if my team is trailing 7-1 on a day with the temperature pushing 90, at least let the sun shine so I can get a tan. I don't ask much.
* Also, if my team is trailing 7-1, and has looked lifeless (repeat: lifeless) for the better part of the last week and a half, then please, send us some comic relief to at least make the game go a little quicker. Thankfully, someone upstairs heard my requests, and granted both of them! The clouds disappeared in the top of the fifth, and by the bottom of the fifth, it was time to prop the feet up and haul out the sunscreen. My kind of day!
* And the comic relief ... oh my goodness. Hang on, I did that wrong. (verne lundquist voice) Oh my goodness! Oh! Wow! Have you ever in your life seen something like that?!?! That classic call from everyone's favorite sex addict's amazing chip at 16 at Augusta in 2005 ... perfectly described the "fans" sitting two rows in front of us. There were three Royals fans, and four or five Cardinals fans, but there's on Cards fan to focus on initially. He spends the third, fourth, and some of the fifth just mercilessly cheering his team on, and taunting everyone around him rooting for the Royals.
To say folks had just about had enough of this guy, is an understatement (more coming up!) But as the sun began to beat down on everyone (and it was freaking hot out there in the later innings yesterday. It's about damned time!), this cards fan sat down ... and slowly, yet surely, the eyes closed ... the head began to nod ... and zap, he was out. And by "out", I mean "dead to the world". The combo of beer and sun had finally worked its magic! The humor started a few minutes after he passed out, when the lady next to him returned to her seat ... and had to step over him. Comedy at its finest.
I mean, this dude was gone. His buddies were concerned enough that they asked the chick with him to confirm he wasn't dead, that's how passed out he was. So of course, what do you do every time, without exception, without fail, when one of your buddies passes out drunk? You take compromising photos of him, that's what! Sadly, nobody had any pink nail polish, although there was an idea of taking some sunscreen to write creative messages on his neck and back that would show up great with his tan he was getting.
* But as if this wasn't good enough, one of his Royals buddies sits down next to him ... and within 5 minutes, he's dead to the world as well. These two are deader than the Royals chances at this point (we trailed 7-2 going to the sixth). After some more folks have to step over both of these passed out lightweights, one of his other Royals buddies (the annoying one who kept cheering all game long, and was still there after ... whoops, getting ahead of myself), this guy comes up with the great idea of photographing the passed out cards fan with Royals gear on him. So we swap out his hat, throw a Royals jersey over him, and his buddies start snapping away. (And I guaran-damn-tee you they won't charge him $18 for a copy of those photos). Then of course, you gotta put cards gear on the passed out Royals dude (who was every bit as annoying as the Cards guy). Everyone's having a good laugh at these wanna-be drinkers expense. Even the guy in front of them at this point, who cards fan had already spilled beer on twice due to his drunken inabillity to control himself.
* Bottom of the sixth, the Royals begin to rally. Jeff Francouer crushes jamie garcia's offering into the Party Porch in right field. tony la russa has seen enough, and in typical la russa fashion, overthinks the situation and yanks his starter. The cards fan behind me (one of the few in red yesterday who wasn't a complete and total asshole) yells out "way to get to 6-0 garcia!" I instantly smile. Nobody knows how to jinx a situation like me. The cards fans are screwing their own team by calling this one with 12 outs to go! This will bite them in the ass, I'm convinced of it. So convinced, that I decide to buy another beer, figure we're gonna be here for a while. Hey, what can I say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
* The Royals manage two more runs, after Butler doubles and Wilson Betemit crushes the ball into the fountains in right. (Which I guess is the only place the fountains are, but still, it's my recap, work with me). It's now 7-5, there's still nobody out. What was a rout fifteen minutes ago is suddenly an intriguing contest.
* This of course wakes up the sleeping duo in front of us. Immediately, Katie nudges me and points to the Royals fan that was passed out, and goes "that explains everything". There, right below his neck in the upper middle of his back, is a gigantic tattoo of the outline of the Texas Longhorns logo. I try to defend it, noting that "not everybody from Texas is a classless asshat" (because after all, I’m an adopted Texan, and I fully intend to be back there before I’m 40 at the absolute latest), but she responds with "ok, fine, but what about from the University of Texas? Defend that tat!" An important distinction that I had no comeback for.
* Of course it gets better, because Drunk Royals Dude (or DRD from this point on) is getting fried pretty quick. (You pass out with your shirt off on a 90 degree sunny day, and you don't put on sunscreen, that tends to happen. Uum, not that I've ever passed out in public with my shirt off on a hot summer afternoon. That's crazy talk. And no, there’s no visual confirmation of that on Myspace back in the day to prove it.) So he tries to put his t-shirt back on ... and finally manages to accomplish that seemingly easy task ... only, he puts it on inside out and backwards, and is too drunk to realize it. That prompts more hysterical laughing from the gallery (all of us sitting behind these two clowns were laughing all afternoon at them. Again, I can live with losing at this point, as long as it's on a 90 degree sunny day, and there's at least some side entertainment. (former president bush voice) Mission accomplished!)
* Meanwhile, his buddy is also starting to fry, and it's at this point that Katie again (and she clearly assumed the role of "The Voice of Reason" yesterday) notes "no wonder he's an ass! He has two tribal tattoos!" Yup, dude had a huge tribal tat in the middle of his back, and another one on his right bicep. Also included in the one on the right bicep, as I noted, were some Chinese characters. Which led to her best comeback of the day: "I'd love to know what that (the Chinese tat) says". So would I. I'm guessing "deuschebag", or "asshat". Both fit this guy.
* This, of course, brought back up a topic of conversation from tailgating: that I need to get a tattoo. My argument: I totally agree. But it (a) has to be unique, (b) won’t make me look like a complete and utter tool (I am 34, after all), and (c) has to be something of meaning to me. Someone suggested an Arrowhead. Too obvious. Someone suggested a Jayhawk. Again, too damned obvious. Then someone suggested getting the outline of Baby Jay in the spot it’ll wind up in (my left shoulder), and getting a Chiefs Arrowhead logo in there where the heart would be. Gotta admit … I’m giving it some thought … because let’s face it, if I don’t ink up by next summer, it ain’t gonna happen. 35 year olds who ink up, are still ok. 36? You’re an asshat.
* Move on ahead to the end of the sixth, and it's "Friends in Low Places" time. You know, there's a lot of in-between-innings promos I'm not a fan of, but I gotta give it to the Royals, they've got two of the best -- the "Friends in Low Places" sing-a-long, because really, anytime you can sing to that song while raising a beer, you have to do it. And my favorite promotion they have, "Oblivious Cam", where they train the camera on some oblivious dude and time how long it takes him to figure out he's on the videoboard looking like a deusche. If you haven't seen it, trust me -- you will be crying from laughing by the time some of them realize it. Yesterday's guy had no clue for the full 90 seconds. And yes, he was a cardinals fan.
* Oh, I skipped a third promo I love. If it's Sunday, that means one thing! Oh hell yes, LIVE HOT DOG DERBY RACE!!! Trust me when I say this -- the ONLY thing that kept Gregg and I hanging around half the games we did in 2004, was the hope, the prayer, that the hot dog race would be with live participants. Sunday, it's always a live race. I freaking LOVE the live hot dog race! (Yesterday's was really funny, three kids about ten years old, you could tell on the videoboard they all knew each other, talking sh*t at each other before the flag dropped. You're damned right if I could flash the clock back about 20-22 years, that would so be me, Gregg, and Jasson out there trash talking each other. That, and I'd be mustard. That's not up for debate). Anyways, Relish won. Relish is actually 4 for 4 in the live races I've seen this year. Just in case you feel like wagering in a couple Sundays on the hot dog race. Uum, not that I've ever done that. Let's move on.
* Bottom of the seventh, we survive "God Bless America" ** and "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", and the Royals have the top of the lineup coming up, only trailing by two. The wind has picked up, and it's blowing hard to right field. And wouldn't you know it, Alex Gordon CRUSHES the first pitch he sees into the Party Porch. 7-6. It's getting really interesting. Once again, the "genius" tony la russa overthinks the situation, and yanks his reliever after one pitch. The next two Royals are retired, and then it gets screwy. Jeff Francouer is plucked on an 0-2 pitch. He then steals second, making him the first Royals runner to not get picked off of first in the last week. (Approximate; there might have been one runner who avoided the pick). Butler then walks on four pitches. Uh oh. First and second, two out, Wilson Betemit coming up.
(** -- by “survive “God Bless America”,” that is NOT a knock on religion. There's only one person and one person only who should ever be allowed to sing this song in public, and that is Florence Henderson. Anyone who has ever been to the Indy 500 is nodding vigorously with me in agreement of that previous statement. She's that freaking awesome.)
And Betemit lines the pitch into center after fighting off a number of two strike pitches. Suddenly, those annoying fans in red aren't the ones making the noise. Francouer scores easily ... but Butler is thrown out trying for third. Still, we've caught them at 7! I turn to the dejected cards fan behind me and go "looks like garcia won't be winning his sixth today!" To his credit, he laughs and says "you know, the second I said that, I knew I'd f*cked up". As long as you learn from your mistakes. Unlike some people, like ...
* Our "good friends" two rows down, DRD and his equally drunk cards buddy. cards guy attempts to put his shirt back on while holding a beer. Bad decision. The beer goes flying into a fellow cards fan sitting in front of him. It is the third time he has spilled beer on back of the guy's shirt. Apparently the third time is the charm, as he is visibly upset, and when one of the drunk cards fans buddies tries to hold him back, he slaps the dude's arm away and goes "don't f*cking touch me! Don't you dare f*cking touch me!"
Sitting next to the dude doused with beer, was some dude Dusty knew. He sees this getting out of hand, so he goes to find security. He informs security (apparently) that the entire group of these folks are beyond drunk (which, to be fair, was entirely accurate), and down the aisle come a couple of ushers. Who inform cards fan, DRD, and the chick with them that "it's time to leave guys". Later on, we're told that they were "relocated to another part of the stadium". If by "relocated" you mean "sent packing to the parking lot", then yeah, I can buy that definition of the word "relocated".
* Top of the 9th, enter Soria. Who promptly did what Aaron Crow did in the prior inning, and get guys on base in a hurry. Crow managed to strike his way out of a 2nd and 3rd, one out debacle. Soria loads the bases with one out. And then induces an inning-ending double play that has right field (at least) fired up. We're winning this game! We've got Aviles / Hosmer / Francouer coming up, if anyone reaches Butler.
* Two outs, bottom of the 9th. Francouer smashes it to center! It is high! It is deep! It is ... the ONLY damned ball all day hit there that didn't reach the Party Porch! (sawyer voice) sonofabitch! The cards outfielder leaps and makes a spectacular play as he plows into the wall. To extra innings the game went.
* And we didn't go with it. For starters, everyone was hungry, and Dusty's mom was footing the bill at Gates'. For another, it was almost 5pm. We'd been in the sun for 3 straight hours at that point, and the beer sales were done (aka "no relief in sight"). Time to move on.
* Got to Gates just in time to see the Royals bullpen implode, giving up two runs without yielding a hit. Only to see the Royals rally, and fall one run short, losing 9-8. And after finishing half a sandwich and a pint of Pale Ale, it was off for home, where a cold shower, air conditioning, and an early night were calling my name. There's many things that freaking suck about growing old. The worst of which ... well, is going gray. Gray hair blows. That's why I shave my hair every two weeks at the most. There's no way I'm going gray before I'm 50, and yes, I really am that full of myself. But the second worst thing has to be the inability to spend a day enjoying the sun, the ball, and the beer like I could in my 20s. Oh well. I'll just have to pick my moments of enjoyment I guess.
The next one of which is Memorial Day! Royals! Angels! 3pm first pitch! Long range forecast is 83 and sunny (aka "just like this weekend"). I know where I'll be come 11ish a week from now, and I'm guessing it'll involve some beer, some sun, some friends, a washers box or two, and some music in a parking lot at Kauffman Stadium. Hope every one of you reading this can join us, it should be something (the legendary, incredible, awesome mr. hugh m. hefner voice) “really special”.
Questions, thoughts, ideas, or half-assed witty musings? Hit the comments section below, or hit me up at Facebook or Twitter at teamtito15.
I mean, think about the week that was -- a 2-4 homestand entering this game that saw the Royals sink below .500. Included in those four losses were a shutout (Saturday, 3-0 vs cardinals), and an 18 run boatracing that conjured up the worst repressed memories I could recall from 2004 (Monday, 19-1 to the Indians). The Royals had taken the mound with the lead for exactly 4 out of the 57 innings played in this homestand, and for exactly 4 of the last 75 innings they'd played.
Then comes Sunday, a near-perfect day for tailgating ... that somehow sees the washer set never pulled out, and somehow sees all six people in our group entering the stadium still under their own power. That's always disappointing -- you can usually count on two givens at a tailgate I'm involved with: (a) I'm losing at washers to Dusty, usually due to some epic comeback, and (b) someone's getting hammered. I feel like we failed. Anyways, this near-perfect day for tailgating then is hijacked by some mean dark, threatening clouds, and a light drizzle begins to fall prior to first pitch. Wonderful. And, as if that isn't bad enough, then Sean O'Sullivan goes out and pitches like ... uuh, Sean O'Sullivan, getting ripped a new backside opening by giving up 7 runs in 4 perfectly God awful innings of pitching. The bottom of the fifth dawns, the Royals trail 7-1 in a game that had one of those "if they could just win this one, maybe this rights the ship" kind of feeling to it, and to this point, they have shown zero, zip, nada inclination of the fantastic rally that was to come.
(They certainly had shown the capability for the 10th inning exhibition in piss poor pitching, however.)
As the bottom of the fifth dawned, and I started in on Budweiser numero tres (to go with a few Shiner's during tailgating), the mood in that stadium was surreal. For starters, those arrogant pricks that call themselves "fans" of the visiting team yesterday had completely and totally taken over Kauffman Stadium. Everywhere you looked was red, with an occasional pocket of blue. I looked out to center field in the bottom of the first and thought "Jesus, not even Rosenblatt is this red when Nebraska is playing!" It was ... honestly, it should have sent me into an angry rage, like a lot of things out there yesterday.
(Also, if those are the "best fans in baseball", I ain't seeing it. You know who most of the cardinals fans out there reminded me of yesterday? Phillies fans. Loud, obnoxious, visibly intoxicated, generally clueless about how to play the game, but they're more than willing to tell you why you and your team suck (a multi-inch part of the male anatomy). If those "fans" out there yesterday are the best baseball has to offer, then there's an opening for some fanbase to assume the title.)
And yet, by the time this game ended nearly three hours later (God, it took an eternity to play those last six innings yesterday), and I was safely and calmly enjoying a burnt end sandwich and a Pale Ale at Gates, I couldn't help but look back on the game, as tough of a loss as it was, and think "hey, this was pretty damned fun today". Part of it was due to a great group of people I went with yesterday, part of it was due to the nice lady sitting in front of us, part of it was due to the ridiculous fans two rows in front of us (more on them in a few), but mostly, it was due to a realization that I hate to, uuh, realize, but hey -- sometimes reality bites you in the ass, and you just have to man up and get the rabies shot.
And the awful realization is this: the 2011 Royals just aren't good enough to hang in this race. But they're gonna go down with the ship. They're going down with both barrels firing, with the cannon shooting whatever the hell a cannon shoots (a cannonball? Or is that just when a spectacularly fat person jumps into a pool?), my point is -- these guys are the scrappy underdogs I so totally dug across the parking lot last fall. And you know what? I'm good with that. This Royals team right now, that sits at 22-24, that is 3-7 in its last 10 contests, that without the book-end offensive explosions (11 at fake Yankee Stadium, 8 yesterday) has scored 8 runs in the other 8 games between those outings (uuh, that ain't good fellas), this team right now is as awful as it's going to get.
And if yesterday is as bad as it's gonna get around here for the next few years, I'm surprisingly good with it. For the first time this baseball season, a recap-type, uuh, recap on the game that was! I’ve been told as recently as Saturday by total random strangers that “hey, you’re the Chiefs recap guy! I love your stuff!” Hey, if an attractive, blonde, 30ish female is my reader fanbase … good God, I’d be in heaven …
* I didn't wake up until nearly 10am Sunday morning. After quickly hopping in the shower and locating the (now) 0-3 Bo Jackson t-shirt to wear, I decided to do this tailgate up right. I was praying Katie overslept. (We were supposed to meet up at 10:30). Thank God, she did. So I had 30 minutes or so to get ready. I quickly hopped in the car, drove to Royal Liquors ... and spent the next 20 minutes trying to pick a beer to drink. (In the interest of full disclosure, I went there because I figured if ANY place in town had Sammy Summer Ale available, it would be Royal. They have everything. Well, they had 9 different Sam Adams in the fridge and on display, including the Winter Ale still (huh?) ... but no Summer Ale yet. I was visibly disappointed.) Finally, I settle on Shiner, figure I might as well make it a true old-school tailgate, and buy a box of the Macanudo cigarillos too, and after Katie picks me up, we get everything loaded ... and I forget the tickets. Un-f*cking-believable. I even made a point to throw everything in the car before I left for Royal, to make sure I wouldn’t forget anything. The lesson? (red on “that 70s show” voice) you’re a dumbass!
Thankfully I remembered early on into the drive in about the tickets, we double back and get them, and it's off for a great hour and a half of tailgating. (As I noted during tailgating about forgetting the tickets, “I’m guessing the Royals don’t refund for being an idiot”. No, no they don’t.)
* Wasn't there even a beer before DJ and Kellie and DJ's mom and her sister arrive. Usually, you add folks older than me to the tailgating mix, and it's going to drag down the quality of the tailgate. (In the interest of full disclosure, of the tailgating folks my age, I’m second oldest, behind only Will. That … that sucks ass.)
Somehow, that didn't happen on Sunday. Good times had by all. That, and I
somehow managed to avoid blasting some other organized religion, so good for me. (Apparently some folks were offended at my mocking that quack Christian pastor who claimed the rapture was imminent, and even more people were offended when, in a state of possible intoxication, I pointed out that "say what you want about kooky Christians, they haven't intentionally flown a f*cking plane into a building yet!" as someone possibly of the Islamic faith was standing not even 5 feet away on Saturday. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's a god d*mned miracle I don't get my ass kicked more often.)
* After avoiding saying anything too bad, it was off to the game. Sadly, no washers got tossed. DJ’s excuse? “The grass was too tall, we’d have lost a washer.” I’m telling you, the kid is quaking in his sandals at me ending the streak. He is scared sh*tless when this 1,038,568,437,648 game losing streak is mercifully ended. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.
So no sooner did we grab the first round of beers, than the good folks from the Royals started snapping group pics of us like we were at Worlds of Fun or something. Now, I guess I have to be all good with a company trying to make a quick sleazy buck. It's the American way, after all. And certainly, after paying $9 a beer yesterday, in addition to an insane $9 / ticket "upcharge" because it was the cardinals (oh, and they jacked up the beer vendor prices too, from $7.50 to $8. Royals management is the best), I expect to be gouged in the eye when I go to a game. But this ... this is the very definition of Steve Rule ... wait, how is this not a Steve Rule? I just read the list, and it isn't in there! OK, so add one, this would be Steve Rule 53 I believe, and it is this: unchecked capitalism is the single greatest evil in the world today. And in case you doubt that statement, well, do yourself a favor: go to the Royals website (kcroyals.com), and under the Kauffman Stadium menu, choose Royals Fan Photos. Then choose yesterday's game (5/22 vs Cardinals), and choose Gallery 136, and scroll down about halfway down, and you will see three pretty neat pics of our group yesterday. Then click on one of the pics for a larger view, and you can pick any of the three you want. Because to print that bad boy off?
(wait for it ...)
Will set you back $17.95 PLUS applicable fees and taxes! In the words of an official family motto: "Sweet Jesus!" $18 plus just to PRINT a picture off the internet!?!? Are you f*cking kidding me! Now, to be fair, they slap this stupid-looking border around your picture, but again, (steve shouting in anger voice) $18 f*cking dollars! By the time you slap the fees and taxes in there (plus, of course, pay for your own photo paper to print the damned thing on), it would cost more to print a "lasting memory" of yesterday than it did to ATTEND yesterday! In the words of Brian Griffin, "what the hell?!?!"
For years, I have argued Steve Rule 36 ("Strip clubs are biggest waste of money known to mankind".) I might need to amend that rule. Seriously -- do you realize that you can get a 2-fer dance five nights a week at everyone's favorite run-down shack in a corn field in unincorporated Douglas County for LESS than it costs to print off one of these pictures?!?! I guarantee you, I'm not going to remember either event a year from now, but if I gotta choose between Bambi earning some tuition money while "Wonderwall" plays, or printing off a picture of a game the Royals lost, call me crazy, but Bambi's college fund just got $20 richer. Or Breezy, or Summer, or Diamond, or Cinnamon, or Destiny, or whatever ridiculous name said college chick is going by.
(Would I lie to you? OK, ok, on purpose? OK, ok, about the cost of a freaking picture? Exactly. This is outrageous. Oh, and above the pic on the webpage? An advertisement offering a "buy 2, get one free!" offer. No wonder they always make sure they snap three pics of you and/or your group. This is beyond outrageous. As Al Pacino said in "Scent of a Woman", "someone should take a flame-thrower to this place!" American capitalism makes me want to puke my guts out. Puke my guts out. No wonder 5/6 of the world hates us; we are beyond morally bankrupt as a nation. photo: kcroyals.com, re-appropriated thanks to Snag-It. Honestly? I can't wait for the "cease and desist" letter from One Kauffman Way for illegally acquiring this picture. Only a completely soulless, value-bankrupt American corporation would send one, let alone charge $18 freaking dollars to print a picture I could have taken with my phone for free. I fully expect it by the end of the week, guys. Trust me, it will make my month ...)
* Anyways, after enduring the pictures, it's off to our seats, which were really good yesterday (right field GA, about halfway up, on the aisle). Thankfully, Oxygen Tank Dude was in his usual spot in the front of 149. Because other than us, OTD and his crew, and the nice lady and her dad in front of me, yeah. Pretty much everybody else was in red and rooting for the cardinals.
* And they had a lot to cheer about early on. The Cards broke the lumber out early and often, making Sean O'Sullivan look like yet another failed Dayton Moore acquisition. (Which, to be fair, he pretty much is). And so, it is at this point, trailing 7-1 in the bottom of the fifth, that things begin to turn in the Boyz N Blue's favor.
* For starters, the sun came out. Call me vain, call me self-centered, call me mentally challenged, but if my team is trailing 7-1 on a day with the temperature pushing 90, at least let the sun shine so I can get a tan. I don't ask much.
* Also, if my team is trailing 7-1, and has looked lifeless (repeat: lifeless) for the better part of the last week and a half, then please, send us some comic relief to at least make the game go a little quicker. Thankfully, someone upstairs heard my requests, and granted both of them! The clouds disappeared in the top of the fifth, and by the bottom of the fifth, it was time to prop the feet up and haul out the sunscreen. My kind of day!
* And the comic relief ... oh my goodness. Hang on, I did that wrong. (verne lundquist voice) Oh my goodness! Oh! Wow! Have you ever in your life seen something like that?!?! That classic call from everyone's favorite sex addict's amazing chip at 16 at Augusta in 2005 ... perfectly described the "fans" sitting two rows in front of us. There were three Royals fans, and four or five Cardinals fans, but there's on Cards fan to focus on initially. He spends the third, fourth, and some of the fifth just mercilessly cheering his team on, and taunting everyone around him rooting for the Royals.
To say folks had just about had enough of this guy, is an understatement (more coming up!) But as the sun began to beat down on everyone (and it was freaking hot out there in the later innings yesterday. It's about damned time!), this cards fan sat down ... and slowly, yet surely, the eyes closed ... the head began to nod ... and zap, he was out. And by "out", I mean "dead to the world". The combo of beer and sun had finally worked its magic! The humor started a few minutes after he passed out, when the lady next to him returned to her seat ... and had to step over him. Comedy at its finest.
I mean, this dude was gone. His buddies were concerned enough that they asked the chick with him to confirm he wasn't dead, that's how passed out he was. So of course, what do you do every time, without exception, without fail, when one of your buddies passes out drunk? You take compromising photos of him, that's what! Sadly, nobody had any pink nail polish, although there was an idea of taking some sunscreen to write creative messages on his neck and back that would show up great with his tan he was getting.
* But as if this wasn't good enough, one of his Royals buddies sits down next to him ... and within 5 minutes, he's dead to the world as well. These two are deader than the Royals chances at this point (we trailed 7-2 going to the sixth). After some more folks have to step over both of these passed out lightweights, one of his other Royals buddies (the annoying one who kept cheering all game long, and was still there after ... whoops, getting ahead of myself), this guy comes up with the great idea of photographing the passed out cards fan with Royals gear on him. So we swap out his hat, throw a Royals jersey over him, and his buddies start snapping away. (And I guaran-damn-tee you they won't charge him $18 for a copy of those photos). Then of course, you gotta put cards gear on the passed out Royals dude (who was every bit as annoying as the Cards guy). Everyone's having a good laugh at these wanna-be drinkers expense. Even the guy in front of them at this point, who cards fan had already spilled beer on twice due to his drunken inabillity to control himself.
* Bottom of the sixth, the Royals begin to rally. Jeff Francouer crushes jamie garcia's offering into the Party Porch in right field. tony la russa has seen enough, and in typical la russa fashion, overthinks the situation and yanks his starter. The cards fan behind me (one of the few in red yesterday who wasn't a complete and total asshole) yells out "way to get to 6-0 garcia!" I instantly smile. Nobody knows how to jinx a situation like me. The cards fans are screwing their own team by calling this one with 12 outs to go! This will bite them in the ass, I'm convinced of it. So convinced, that I decide to buy another beer, figure we're gonna be here for a while. Hey, what can I say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
* The Royals manage two more runs, after Butler doubles and Wilson Betemit crushes the ball into the fountains in right. (Which I guess is the only place the fountains are, but still, it's my recap, work with me). It's now 7-5, there's still nobody out. What was a rout fifteen minutes ago is suddenly an intriguing contest.
* This of course wakes up the sleeping duo in front of us. Immediately, Katie nudges me and points to the Royals fan that was passed out, and goes "that explains everything". There, right below his neck in the upper middle of his back, is a gigantic tattoo of the outline of the Texas Longhorns logo. I try to defend it, noting that "not everybody from Texas is a classless asshat" (because after all, I’m an adopted Texan, and I fully intend to be back there before I’m 40 at the absolute latest), but she responds with "ok, fine, but what about from the University of Texas? Defend that tat!" An important distinction that I had no comeback for.
* Of course it gets better, because Drunk Royals Dude (or DRD from this point on) is getting fried pretty quick. (You pass out with your shirt off on a 90 degree sunny day, and you don't put on sunscreen, that tends to happen. Uum, not that I've ever passed out in public with my shirt off on a hot summer afternoon. That's crazy talk. And no, there’s no visual confirmation of that on Myspace back in the day to prove it.) So he tries to put his t-shirt back on ... and finally manages to accomplish that seemingly easy task ... only, he puts it on inside out and backwards, and is too drunk to realize it. That prompts more hysterical laughing from the gallery (all of us sitting behind these two clowns were laughing all afternoon at them. Again, I can live with losing at this point, as long as it's on a 90 degree sunny day, and there's at least some side entertainment. (former president bush voice) Mission accomplished!)
* Meanwhile, his buddy is also starting to fry, and it's at this point that Katie again (and she clearly assumed the role of "The Voice of Reason" yesterday) notes "no wonder he's an ass! He has two tribal tattoos!" Yup, dude had a huge tribal tat in the middle of his back, and another one on his right bicep. Also included in the one on the right bicep, as I noted, were some Chinese characters. Which led to her best comeback of the day: "I'd love to know what that (the Chinese tat) says". So would I. I'm guessing "deuschebag", or "asshat". Both fit this guy.
* This, of course, brought back up a topic of conversation from tailgating: that I need to get a tattoo. My argument: I totally agree. But it (a) has to be unique, (b) won’t make me look like a complete and utter tool (I am 34, after all), and (c) has to be something of meaning to me. Someone suggested an Arrowhead. Too obvious. Someone suggested a Jayhawk. Again, too damned obvious. Then someone suggested getting the outline of Baby Jay in the spot it’ll wind up in (my left shoulder), and getting a Chiefs Arrowhead logo in there where the heart would be. Gotta admit … I’m giving it some thought … because let’s face it, if I don’t ink up by next summer, it ain’t gonna happen. 35 year olds who ink up, are still ok. 36? You’re an asshat.
* Move on ahead to the end of the sixth, and it's "Friends in Low Places" time. You know, there's a lot of in-between-innings promos I'm not a fan of, but I gotta give it to the Royals, they've got two of the best -- the "Friends in Low Places" sing-a-long, because really, anytime you can sing to that song while raising a beer, you have to do it. And my favorite promotion they have, "Oblivious Cam", where they train the camera on some oblivious dude and time how long it takes him to figure out he's on the videoboard looking like a deusche. If you haven't seen it, trust me -- you will be crying from laughing by the time some of them realize it. Yesterday's guy had no clue for the full 90 seconds. And yes, he was a cardinals fan.
* Oh, I skipped a third promo I love. If it's Sunday, that means one thing! Oh hell yes, LIVE HOT DOG DERBY RACE!!! Trust me when I say this -- the ONLY thing that kept Gregg and I hanging around half the games we did in 2004, was the hope, the prayer, that the hot dog race would be with live participants. Sunday, it's always a live race. I freaking LOVE the live hot dog race! (Yesterday's was really funny, three kids about ten years old, you could tell on the videoboard they all knew each other, talking sh*t at each other before the flag dropped. You're damned right if I could flash the clock back about 20-22 years, that would so be me, Gregg, and Jasson out there trash talking each other. That, and I'd be mustard. That's not up for debate). Anyways, Relish won. Relish is actually 4 for 4 in the live races I've seen this year. Just in case you feel like wagering in a couple Sundays on the hot dog race. Uum, not that I've ever done that. Let's move on.
* Bottom of the seventh, we survive "God Bless America" ** and "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", and the Royals have the top of the lineup coming up, only trailing by two. The wind has picked up, and it's blowing hard to right field. And wouldn't you know it, Alex Gordon CRUSHES the first pitch he sees into the Party Porch. 7-6. It's getting really interesting. Once again, the "genius" tony la russa overthinks the situation, and yanks his reliever after one pitch. The next two Royals are retired, and then it gets screwy. Jeff Francouer is plucked on an 0-2 pitch. He then steals second, making him the first Royals runner to not get picked off of first in the last week. (Approximate; there might have been one runner who avoided the pick). Butler then walks on four pitches. Uh oh. First and second, two out, Wilson Betemit coming up.
(** -- by “survive “God Bless America”,” that is NOT a knock on religion. There's only one person and one person only who should ever be allowed to sing this song in public, and that is Florence Henderson. Anyone who has ever been to the Indy 500 is nodding vigorously with me in agreement of that previous statement. She's that freaking awesome.)
And Betemit lines the pitch into center after fighting off a number of two strike pitches. Suddenly, those annoying fans in red aren't the ones making the noise. Francouer scores easily ... but Butler is thrown out trying for third. Still, we've caught them at 7! I turn to the dejected cards fan behind me and go "looks like garcia won't be winning his sixth today!" To his credit, he laughs and says "you know, the second I said that, I knew I'd f*cked up". As long as you learn from your mistakes. Unlike some people, like ...
* Our "good friends" two rows down, DRD and his equally drunk cards buddy. cards guy attempts to put his shirt back on while holding a beer. Bad decision. The beer goes flying into a fellow cards fan sitting in front of him. It is the third time he has spilled beer on back of the guy's shirt. Apparently the third time is the charm, as he is visibly upset, and when one of the drunk cards fans buddies tries to hold him back, he slaps the dude's arm away and goes "don't f*cking touch me! Don't you dare f*cking touch me!"
Sitting next to the dude doused with beer, was some dude Dusty knew. He sees this getting out of hand, so he goes to find security. He informs security (apparently) that the entire group of these folks are beyond drunk (which, to be fair, was entirely accurate), and down the aisle come a couple of ushers. Who inform cards fan, DRD, and the chick with them that "it's time to leave guys". Later on, we're told that they were "relocated to another part of the stadium". If by "relocated" you mean "sent packing to the parking lot", then yeah, I can buy that definition of the word "relocated".
* Top of the 9th, enter Soria. Who promptly did what Aaron Crow did in the prior inning, and get guys on base in a hurry. Crow managed to strike his way out of a 2nd and 3rd, one out debacle. Soria loads the bases with one out. And then induces an inning-ending double play that has right field (at least) fired up. We're winning this game! We've got Aviles / Hosmer / Francouer coming up, if anyone reaches Butler.
* Two outs, bottom of the 9th. Francouer smashes it to center! It is high! It is deep! It is ... the ONLY damned ball all day hit there that didn't reach the Party Porch! (sawyer voice) sonofabitch! The cards outfielder leaps and makes a spectacular play as he plows into the wall. To extra innings the game went.
* And we didn't go with it. For starters, everyone was hungry, and Dusty's mom was footing the bill at Gates'. For another, it was almost 5pm. We'd been in the sun for 3 straight hours at that point, and the beer sales were done (aka "no relief in sight"). Time to move on.
* Got to Gates just in time to see the Royals bullpen implode, giving up two runs without yielding a hit. Only to see the Royals rally, and fall one run short, losing 9-8. And after finishing half a sandwich and a pint of Pale Ale, it was off for home, where a cold shower, air conditioning, and an early night were calling my name. There's many things that freaking suck about growing old. The worst of which ... well, is going gray. Gray hair blows. That's why I shave my hair every two weeks at the most. There's no way I'm going gray before I'm 50, and yes, I really am that full of myself. But the second worst thing has to be the inability to spend a day enjoying the sun, the ball, and the beer like I could in my 20s. Oh well. I'll just have to pick my moments of enjoyment I guess.
The next one of which is Memorial Day! Royals! Angels! 3pm first pitch! Long range forecast is 83 and sunny (aka "just like this weekend"). I know where I'll be come 11ish a week from now, and I'm guessing it'll involve some beer, some sun, some friends, a washers box or two, and some music in a parking lot at Kauffman Stadium. Hope every one of you reading this can join us, it should be something (the legendary, incredible, awesome mr. hugh m. hefner voice) “really special”.
Questions, thoughts, ideas, or half-assed witty musings? Hit the comments section below, or hit me up at Facebook or Twitter at teamtito15.
Friday, May 20, 2011
idol top 3: i still believe in her ... even if scotty won the night ...
Editors note: this is going to be one painful post to, uuh, post. It’s undergone some editing since the insane, ridiculous, what the f*ck is America thinking results last night. But I said I’d post my top three recap. So here you go. However, I do NOT promise to recap the WORST Idol finale ever. (Sadly, that's true ... although it's because I bowl on Tuesday night. Otherwise, call my bullsh*t, you know I'd be live blogging the finale ...) Here’s hoping that quack preacher in California defies the odds, and the Rapture goes down tomorrow to spare the world this abortion of a matchup.
Well, it’s top 3 night. Scotty, Lauren, and Haley have somehow made it this far. One of these three totally deserves to be here. (Go figure, it’s the one who winds up getting booted. And please, spare me the “Scotty was always vocally sound” crappy argument that his defenders and voters use. Yeah, if I sang the same damned song for twelve weeks in a row, I might sound “vocally sound” too.)
Dim the lights, due the video, it’s what usually is my favorite episode of “Idol” each year, the Top 3 Performance Night!!!
The first 90 seconds is a quick video montage of the final three’s auditions, and a quick peak at their homecoming’s. And you know what? I totally dug it. I might be a cynical bastard at times, but anyone who’s ever watched a big Chiefs game that ends with a spectacular finish knows, I can be emotional at times. (Example: literally collapsing in my seat and crying for two minutes after “The Stand” to open last season. Yes, I cried. Deal with it. Real men cry … when their football team overcomes monsoon like conditions and somehow stops the Chargers offense on goal to go at the four. And I guaran-damn-tee you, I wasn’t the only person crying in their seat as Phyllis Rivers’ fourth down pass fell harmlessly to the ground).
Believe it or not, Randy is the worst dressed of the judges tonight. That’s the first prop bet I would have lost. You always take Steven Tyler against the field, right?
Seacrest promises us “two hours of great music tonight”. Yeah, right.
Performance show Tuesday, results Wednesday. Probably good I have bowling Tuesday night, so I don’t have to watch this finale.
Seacrest says our top three are “riding high” from their hometown visits. OK, who let Paul McDonald in the limo with the top three contestants?
Wow, words cannot describe how hideous Lauren’s first outfit is. But it’s bad. It’s a red velvety top with blue jeans. In the words of the great Phoebe Cates, “my eyes! my eyes!”
Mrs. Frank Drebin in the crowd! (They did marry in one of the Naked Guns right?)
Round one, contestants choice. Round two, Jimmy’s choice. Round three, the judges. And Beyonce is our guest mentor. Not a bad decision.
I’ll agree with Beyonce on this – this is the best Top 3 Idol has ever had. The only season that even comes close is season six, with Jordin, Blake, and Melinda. I just disliked Melinda more than I dislike anyone in this top three. So this is the best Top 3 yet.
Scotty up first, doing “Amazed” by Lonestar. In the interest of full disclosure, I became immune to this song, because it was “The Voice of Reason”’s ringtone when the now “Mrs. Voice of Reason” would call him back in the day. (It might still be the ringtone for all I know.) Anyways, in my initial reaction of performances, I rated this fifth overall (out of nine) on the night. And as I noted as well, I fully expect my second reaction to rank this higher. Let’s see if my gut reaction is right.
Wait just a damned minute, I must have missed this on the initial watch. (Guessing I was grabbing a beer). Scotty just said, and I quote, “I usually stick to the low range, but sometimes, it’s good to push yourself, to see how far you can go”. Really Scotty? Really? You’ve sang the same god d*mned song for twelve straight weeks, and JUST NOW you’re thinking it MIGHT be a good idea to “push your range”? And to think people wonder why I was so pro-Haley the last few weeks. God above. JUST NOW he’s thinking he might want to “face a challenge”. Ladies and gentlemen, the worst “Idol” champion in history, Scotty McCreery!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!
(Which is not fair to Scotty. If Lauren wins, she’s the worst, and there’s no room for debate. You can legitimately argue Scotty is better than Taylor or Lee. And possibly Fantasia. My bad, Scotty. Still, God forbid you do one damned song that challenges you prior to the top three.)
Should note: I liked this performance on first listen.
And like I suspected, I like it a lot better on second listen. This is a rock solid performance. And by “rock solid”, I mean “I would absolutely spend $30 to listen to him at Voodoo Lounge”.
And I LOVE the final chorus. This is very, very good. And yes, I realize his backup singers were out of sequence, but his voice was that good. I like this performance. Very much.
Let’s go to the judges, who of course are fighting over who gets to verbally fellate him first. Steven wins the honor. Says he “kicked that song into the middle of next week”. I agree with Tyler, it was beautiful. JLo saying something about bravado. Not even God can understand her. Randy … drops that he recorded that song with Boyz II Men. “You put a period on the end of that like, Oh My God, that’s money! This kid’s got money Ryan!” To think Randy earns more in a night than I earn in a year.
Next up, Lauren, doing “Wild One” by Faith Hill. I initially rated this as the worst of the nine performances. I fully expect to hate this even more on the second listen, especially given the results last night.
And in my defense, this is WORSE on second listen. Really America? You voted for THIS over Haley? This is beyond pitchy, it’s out of tune, and she’s struggling for breath, to say nothing of struggling to hit a freaking note correctly. This is (chuck barkley voice) TURRIBLE.
She totally botched the ending to boot. Really America? You voted for THIS over Haley?
JLo calls her “our little baby”. Says she “created a moment”. Yeah, with Professor Plum, in the kitchen, with the knife. Randy up next. JLo is giving him a “don’t you dare criticize her” death stare in the corner of the camera shot. In Randy’s defense … if a chick ever looked at me like that, with the “I will cut your balls off if you don’t do what I want” look in her eyes, I’d be lying like Randy is right now about how great that was. Randy says this competition should be about “have a good time and have fun”. Uuh, no Randy, that is NOT what this competition is all about. This competition is about finding the BEST unsigned singer in America. If you want to have fun, sign up on “reputable singles site” or visit the Eclipse on a Friday night. Don’t disgrace yourself by giving a pitchy awful performance on “Idol”, ok? Tyler says she’s “so ready for America to be all over you!” (rimshot!)
Next, Haley, doing Led Zeppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be”. Gotta admit, entering this on the first watch, I figured this would be the trainwreck of the night. Instead … I was pleasantly surprised. On second listen? Let’s find out.
Beyonce on Haley: “She is a risk taker, because she didn’t pick a pop song or something that everyone knows. She has conviction. She makes you believe in what she believes in, which is a huge part in being a superstar.” Again, you actually question WHY I wanted Haley in the finale? God forbid ANYONE in this year’s competition borrow Hillary’s pair. Haley certainly did.
More Beyonce on Haley: “I think Haley is a rock star. Haley has a presence that even when she’s not singing, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone like her.” And this woman is married to Jay-Z folks. She knows talent when she sees it, and she is verbally fellating Haley like she didn’t for any other contestant. And yet, the uninformed, ignorant idiot voting public rejected Haley for Lauren. Anyone who wanted a Lauren / Scotty finale must feel so proud of themselves. Congrats. Not even blind Obama backers were as mentally deranged as anti-Haley, pro-Lauren folks are. (And yes, that is a direct shot at “The Voice of Reason”. For once, I am right, and you are 110% f*cking wrong. That happens once in a generation, and I’ll be damned if I’m letting go of ending your 1,083,583, 847,656th consecutive “I was right, Stevo was wrong” streak”.)
I rated this second overall initially. Honestly? I doubt it will top my favorite initial performance. But I hope it holds onto second, because it was that damned good.
And yes, that is Poppa Haley on guitar. This is awesome.
Even the resident anti-Haley judge JLo is feeling this performance.
Her reaction to falling up the stairs? Awesome. Absolutely awesome. Admit it, you anti-Haley folks. You know damned well that Lauren would have come unhinged there. Haley not only recovered with a laugh and a smile, she got BETTER vocally afterwards.
She kicked ass and took names! And Randy gives her a standing O! As does Steven! (Not even remotely surprisingly, JLo stays seated). Randy exact quote: “you’re fearless! You chose a song that is not for the, uuh, weak at heart, I mean, this is Zeppelin dude, this is like crazy vocals, got your father on stage, this was one of your best performances EVER! Yo! Crazy, crazy!” (little caesar’s pizza voice) pizza pizza! “Ryan Seacrest! Haley’s in it to win it baby!” And yes, our first “in it to win it” of the night is given to Haley. But clearly, Lauren deserved to advance based on … sorry, someone fill me in. What exactly did Lauren do better than Haley? I’m still trying to figure that out.
Tyler with the line of the night so far, pointing out her trip on the stairs: “Haley, did you fall for me?” (laughs all around, including by me). “It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. That was superb!” Exactly. Let’s go to the resident Haley hater, JLo: “That was the sound of a professional, that was the sound of someone who knows what they’re doing up there, these people deserve more than that, and you gave it to them! … it was a good, good, good round for you, good round for you!”
Again, America took Lauren over this?
Seacrest: “OK, round one is over, who do you think won round one?”
Randy: “Round one, hands down dude, is Haley!”
Tyler: “She (Haley) got her freak on!”
JLo, visibly shaken: “Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with, uuh, Haley for this one as well, because, uuh, the moment was created … it was pretty special.”
Again, America took Lauren over this?!?!
Steven’s reaction to Scotty’s audition is priceless: “Hell, fire, seals, and matches, f*ck a duck and see what happens!” I love that guy. JLo is crying from laughing so hard at his reaction. As am I. I gotta remember that one. That’s priceless.
Jimmy chooses “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not” by Thompson Square. I rated this seventh overall out of the nine performances initially.
And as I suspected, this is much better on second listen. Having said that, I’d only move it to sixth at best … which would knock all three of Lauren’s performances into my bottom three. “Anyway” deserved a top six out of nine status.
Anyways, that was a decent effort out of Scotty. But not even close to his best of the night, which is yet to come (and honestly? As much as I wanted Haley to win the night and advance … I gave Scotty best performance of the night on the initial listen for his final song. And I gotta be honest, it’s gonna take one HELLUVA second listen to knock him to two. His last effort was that awesome in my (never) humble opinion.)
Next up, Lauren, doing the Band Perry’s “If I Die Young”. I rated this eighth (let’s just say, other than Haley’s next performance, I wasn’t a big fan of Jimmy’s choices. Actually, I was a big fan of the choices – he perfectly nailed what each artist should do. Only Haley and possibly Scotty got it right).
To Lauren’s credit, her outfit is much better for this.
On second listen … this might be worse than “Wild One”. One of those two performances is worst of the night, you can choose which one is.
(Again: America? You chose THIS over Haley?!?!)
This is horrendous. Not even Jesus would listen to this, although in his defense, if you believe that quack preacher in California, he’s gonna be pretty pre-occupied tomorrow.
(And to think people wonder why I refuse to step into a church for anything other than a wedding or a funeral. Cracked.)
The judges apparently like it, they’re clapping like it was good. It wasn’t.
JLo says that “you, Lauren, have the most beautiful tone of our finalists”. Uuh, I call bullsh*t on that critique. JLo explains away the obvious issues with the performance by saying she got “caught up in the honesty of the performance”. Really? I can’t wait to see if she rips Haley for “getting caught up in the honesty of the performance”. I’m guessing that won’t happen. I’m too damned pissed off to listen to anymore critiques of this disaster. Let’s get to Haley, covering what I thought was beyond an inspirational choice by Jimmy, “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac.
(And a HUGE, I mean HU-YUGE, steve’s site numero dos shoutout to Jimmy for not screwing Haley over with an unwinnable song. I put her effort at “Rhinannon” third overall on first listen. I doubt it’s moving up, I liked Haley’s first performance and Scotty’s final effort that much. But thank you, Jimmy, for not screwing the “we want her to finish in third” contestant for the first time ever in this show’s history.)
Here we go. Haley, channeling her inner Stevie Nicks (a PERFECT choice), doing one of my five favorite Fleetwood Mac songs …
Thirty seconds in, and this is opening exactly like the version on “The Dance” reunion cd, which is the best recording of this song ever. If she takes this up-tempo in fifteen seconds, she’s gonna have another “Idol” moment, at least in this house.
And she does!
As much as I love this song, as much as I love this band … and believe me, I got mocked for two straight weeks by my roomies Vineet and Frank in college for non-stop playing this cd until they truly “got it” … I gotta move “Amazed” ahead of this on second listen. Scotty and Haley still take all five of the first five, but in a slightly different order. That underwhelmed on second listen.
I refuse to listen the judges bash this. The performance I rated as my favorite on first listen up next, Scotty covering Kenny Rogers’ “She Believes In Me”.
Have to be honest, again – I LOVED this performance on first listen. So much so that “The Voice of Reason”, a totally biased Scotty backer, replied “really? That’s you’re favorite?” Yes, yes it was. I love this song, and I totally dug this performance. I hope it holds up on the second time through.
And … this is even better on second listen. This is INCREDIBLE!
“And she believes in me! I’ll never know just what she sees in me!” I can think of at least three chicas in my life that line applies to. The most specific and important one of which is “the ex”. I still don’t get what she ever saw in me, but I’m glad she saw something I apparently don’t see.
JLo is totally into the performance, singing along. In her defense … so am I. THIS is an “Idol” moment!
In the words of Reggie Jackson … THAT was “second f*cking base!” Scotty is absolutely in the finale, and on that performance alone, he deserves it. THAT was awesome!!!
I cannot download that on iTunes fast enough. And it’s gonna be a minute before I stop rewinding to get to Lauren’s best effort of the night.
Lauren doing “I Hope You Dance” by Leann Womack. First listen, this was her best performance by far. I expect the second listen to support that.
And it does.
Finally, Haley doing “You Outta Know” by Alanis Morissette. She was screwed the second she changed the words, “Go Down on You in a Theater” to “Go With You to a Theater”.
So it’s a Lauren v Scotty finale. And you know what? As hacked as I was last night … I’m ok with it today. Look it, Scotty was the most consistent performer all year. Granted, he took zero risks, chances, or gambles … but you know what? You play blackjack with “The Voice of Reason” for an hour, he’ll p*ss me off by refusing to take a risk, chance, or gamble on anything other than a 10 or 11. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad player – he’s not. He’s rock solid. He’s just conservative with his money. Scotty? Is that guy who doesn’t double an 11 against a face, doesn’t double a 10 against a 9, and looks at you funny when you double a soft 17 against a 5 or 6. Doesn’t mean he’s wrong … but he might not be right. Lauren? The up and coming prodigy. Wins a couple big hands early … then sits on it to reach the final table in the tournament. Nothing wrong with that either.
What I hate though, is that the one who DID take a risk, DID take a chance, DID roll the dice every week, craps out one week short of where she should have wound up. So in closing this post, kudos to “Idol” for giving us the deepest Final Four since season six (and arguably the deepest Final Four ever), kudos to “Idol” for surviving the turmoil of the offseason … and kudos to “Idol” for still somehow, despite my rooting interests, giving us a Finale I’ll still TiVo. And a season finale I’ll be live for. Because I have to live blog at least one “Idol” this year, right? Right? (crickets chirping …)
Well, it’s top 3 night. Scotty, Lauren, and Haley have somehow made it this far. One of these three totally deserves to be here. (Go figure, it’s the one who winds up getting booted. And please, spare me the “Scotty was always vocally sound” crappy argument that his defenders and voters use. Yeah, if I sang the same damned song for twelve weeks in a row, I might sound “vocally sound” too.)
Dim the lights, due the video, it’s what usually is my favorite episode of “Idol” each year, the Top 3 Performance Night!!!
The first 90 seconds is a quick video montage of the final three’s auditions, and a quick peak at their homecoming’s. And you know what? I totally dug it. I might be a cynical bastard at times, but anyone who’s ever watched a big Chiefs game that ends with a spectacular finish knows, I can be emotional at times. (Example: literally collapsing in my seat and crying for two minutes after “The Stand” to open last season. Yes, I cried. Deal with it. Real men cry … when their football team overcomes monsoon like conditions and somehow stops the Chargers offense on goal to go at the four. And I guaran-damn-tee you, I wasn’t the only person crying in their seat as Phyllis Rivers’ fourth down pass fell harmlessly to the ground).
Believe it or not, Randy is the worst dressed of the judges tonight. That’s the first prop bet I would have lost. You always take Steven Tyler against the field, right?
Seacrest promises us “two hours of great music tonight”. Yeah, right.
Performance show Tuesday, results Wednesday. Probably good I have bowling Tuesday night, so I don’t have to watch this finale.
Seacrest says our top three are “riding high” from their hometown visits. OK, who let Paul McDonald in the limo with the top three contestants?
Wow, words cannot describe how hideous Lauren’s first outfit is. But it’s bad. It’s a red velvety top with blue jeans. In the words of the great Phoebe Cates, “my eyes! my eyes!”
Mrs. Frank Drebin in the crowd! (They did marry in one of the Naked Guns right?)
Round one, contestants choice. Round two, Jimmy’s choice. Round three, the judges. And Beyonce is our guest mentor. Not a bad decision.
I’ll agree with Beyonce on this – this is the best Top 3 Idol has ever had. The only season that even comes close is season six, with Jordin, Blake, and Melinda. I just disliked Melinda more than I dislike anyone in this top three. So this is the best Top 3 yet.
Scotty up first, doing “Amazed” by Lonestar. In the interest of full disclosure, I became immune to this song, because it was “The Voice of Reason”’s ringtone when the now “Mrs. Voice of Reason” would call him back in the day. (It might still be the ringtone for all I know.) Anyways, in my initial reaction of performances, I rated this fifth overall (out of nine) on the night. And as I noted as well, I fully expect my second reaction to rank this higher. Let’s see if my gut reaction is right.
Wait just a damned minute, I must have missed this on the initial watch. (Guessing I was grabbing a beer). Scotty just said, and I quote, “I usually stick to the low range, but sometimes, it’s good to push yourself, to see how far you can go”. Really Scotty? Really? You’ve sang the same god d*mned song for twelve straight weeks, and JUST NOW you’re thinking it MIGHT be a good idea to “push your range”? And to think people wonder why I was so pro-Haley the last few weeks. God above. JUST NOW he’s thinking he might want to “face a challenge”. Ladies and gentlemen, the worst “Idol” champion in history, Scotty McCreery!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!
(Which is not fair to Scotty. If Lauren wins, she’s the worst, and there’s no room for debate. You can legitimately argue Scotty is better than Taylor or Lee. And possibly Fantasia. My bad, Scotty. Still, God forbid you do one damned song that challenges you prior to the top three.)
Should note: I liked this performance on first listen.
And like I suspected, I like it a lot better on second listen. This is a rock solid performance. And by “rock solid”, I mean “I would absolutely spend $30 to listen to him at Voodoo Lounge”.
And I LOVE the final chorus. This is very, very good. And yes, I realize his backup singers were out of sequence, but his voice was that good. I like this performance. Very much.
Let’s go to the judges, who of course are fighting over who gets to verbally fellate him first. Steven wins the honor. Says he “kicked that song into the middle of next week”. I agree with Tyler, it was beautiful. JLo saying something about bravado. Not even God can understand her. Randy … drops that he recorded that song with Boyz II Men. “You put a period on the end of that like, Oh My God, that’s money! This kid’s got money Ryan!” To think Randy earns more in a night than I earn in a year.
Next up, Lauren, doing “Wild One” by Faith Hill. I initially rated this as the worst of the nine performances. I fully expect to hate this even more on the second listen, especially given the results last night.
And in my defense, this is WORSE on second listen. Really America? You voted for THIS over Haley? This is beyond pitchy, it’s out of tune, and she’s struggling for breath, to say nothing of struggling to hit a freaking note correctly. This is (chuck barkley voice) TURRIBLE.
She totally botched the ending to boot. Really America? You voted for THIS over Haley?
JLo calls her “our little baby”. Says she “created a moment”. Yeah, with Professor Plum, in the kitchen, with the knife. Randy up next. JLo is giving him a “don’t you dare criticize her” death stare in the corner of the camera shot. In Randy’s defense … if a chick ever looked at me like that, with the “I will cut your balls off if you don’t do what I want” look in her eyes, I’d be lying like Randy is right now about how great that was. Randy says this competition should be about “have a good time and have fun”. Uuh, no Randy, that is NOT what this competition is all about. This competition is about finding the BEST unsigned singer in America. If you want to have fun, sign up on “reputable singles site” or visit the Eclipse on a Friday night. Don’t disgrace yourself by giving a pitchy awful performance on “Idol”, ok? Tyler says she’s “so ready for America to be all over you!” (rimshot!)
Next, Haley, doing Led Zeppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be”. Gotta admit, entering this on the first watch, I figured this would be the trainwreck of the night. Instead … I was pleasantly surprised. On second listen? Let’s find out.
Beyonce on Haley: “She is a risk taker, because she didn’t pick a pop song or something that everyone knows. She has conviction. She makes you believe in what she believes in, which is a huge part in being a superstar.” Again, you actually question WHY I wanted Haley in the finale? God forbid ANYONE in this year’s competition borrow Hillary’s pair. Haley certainly did.
More Beyonce on Haley: “I think Haley is a rock star. Haley has a presence that even when she’s not singing, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone like her.” And this woman is married to Jay-Z folks. She knows talent when she sees it, and she is verbally fellating Haley like she didn’t for any other contestant. And yet, the uninformed, ignorant idiot voting public rejected Haley for Lauren. Anyone who wanted a Lauren / Scotty finale must feel so proud of themselves. Congrats. Not even blind Obama backers were as mentally deranged as anti-Haley, pro-Lauren folks are. (And yes, that is a direct shot at “The Voice of Reason”. For once, I am right, and you are 110% f*cking wrong. That happens once in a generation, and I’ll be damned if I’m letting go of ending your 1,083,583, 847,656th consecutive “I was right, Stevo was wrong” streak”.)
I rated this second overall initially. Honestly? I doubt it will top my favorite initial performance. But I hope it holds onto second, because it was that damned good.
And yes, that is Poppa Haley on guitar. This is awesome.
Even the resident anti-Haley judge JLo is feeling this performance.
Her reaction to falling up the stairs? Awesome. Absolutely awesome. Admit it, you anti-Haley folks. You know damned well that Lauren would have come unhinged there. Haley not only recovered with a laugh and a smile, she got BETTER vocally afterwards.
She kicked ass and took names! And Randy gives her a standing O! As does Steven! (Not even remotely surprisingly, JLo stays seated). Randy exact quote: “you’re fearless! You chose a song that is not for the, uuh, weak at heart, I mean, this is Zeppelin dude, this is like crazy vocals, got your father on stage, this was one of your best performances EVER! Yo! Crazy, crazy!” (little caesar’s pizza voice) pizza pizza! “Ryan Seacrest! Haley’s in it to win it baby!” And yes, our first “in it to win it” of the night is given to Haley. But clearly, Lauren deserved to advance based on … sorry, someone fill me in. What exactly did Lauren do better than Haley? I’m still trying to figure that out.
Tyler with the line of the night so far, pointing out her trip on the stairs: “Haley, did you fall for me?” (laughs all around, including by me). “It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. That was superb!” Exactly. Let’s go to the resident Haley hater, JLo: “That was the sound of a professional, that was the sound of someone who knows what they’re doing up there, these people deserve more than that, and you gave it to them! … it was a good, good, good round for you, good round for you!”
Again, America took Lauren over this?
Seacrest: “OK, round one is over, who do you think won round one?”
Randy: “Round one, hands down dude, is Haley!”
Tyler: “She (Haley) got her freak on!”
JLo, visibly shaken: “Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with, uuh, Haley for this one as well, because, uuh, the moment was created … it was pretty special.”
Again, America took Lauren over this?!?!
Steven’s reaction to Scotty’s audition is priceless: “Hell, fire, seals, and matches, f*ck a duck and see what happens!” I love that guy. JLo is crying from laughing so hard at his reaction. As am I. I gotta remember that one. That’s priceless.
Jimmy chooses “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not” by Thompson Square. I rated this seventh overall out of the nine performances initially.
And as I suspected, this is much better on second listen. Having said that, I’d only move it to sixth at best … which would knock all three of Lauren’s performances into my bottom three. “Anyway” deserved a top six out of nine status.
Anyways, that was a decent effort out of Scotty. But not even close to his best of the night, which is yet to come (and honestly? As much as I wanted Haley to win the night and advance … I gave Scotty best performance of the night on the initial listen for his final song. And I gotta be honest, it’s gonna take one HELLUVA second listen to knock him to two. His last effort was that awesome in my (never) humble opinion.)
Next up, Lauren, doing the Band Perry’s “If I Die Young”. I rated this eighth (let’s just say, other than Haley’s next performance, I wasn’t a big fan of Jimmy’s choices. Actually, I was a big fan of the choices – he perfectly nailed what each artist should do. Only Haley and possibly Scotty got it right).
To Lauren’s credit, her outfit is much better for this.
On second listen … this might be worse than “Wild One”. One of those two performances is worst of the night, you can choose which one is.
(Again: America? You chose THIS over Haley?!?!)
This is horrendous. Not even Jesus would listen to this, although in his defense, if you believe that quack preacher in California, he’s gonna be pretty pre-occupied tomorrow.
(And to think people wonder why I refuse to step into a church for anything other than a wedding or a funeral. Cracked.)
The judges apparently like it, they’re clapping like it was good. It wasn’t.
JLo says that “you, Lauren, have the most beautiful tone of our finalists”. Uuh, I call bullsh*t on that critique. JLo explains away the obvious issues with the performance by saying she got “caught up in the honesty of the performance”. Really? I can’t wait to see if she rips Haley for “getting caught up in the honesty of the performance”. I’m guessing that won’t happen. I’m too damned pissed off to listen to anymore critiques of this disaster. Let’s get to Haley, covering what I thought was beyond an inspirational choice by Jimmy, “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac.
(And a HUGE, I mean HU-YUGE, steve’s site numero dos shoutout to Jimmy for not screwing Haley over with an unwinnable song. I put her effort at “Rhinannon” third overall on first listen. I doubt it’s moving up, I liked Haley’s first performance and Scotty’s final effort that much. But thank you, Jimmy, for not screwing the “we want her to finish in third” contestant for the first time ever in this show’s history.)
Here we go. Haley, channeling her inner Stevie Nicks (a PERFECT choice), doing one of my five favorite Fleetwood Mac songs …
Thirty seconds in, and this is opening exactly like the version on “The Dance” reunion cd, which is the best recording of this song ever. If she takes this up-tempo in fifteen seconds, she’s gonna have another “Idol” moment, at least in this house.
And she does!
As much as I love this song, as much as I love this band … and believe me, I got mocked for two straight weeks by my roomies Vineet and Frank in college for non-stop playing this cd until they truly “got it” … I gotta move “Amazed” ahead of this on second listen. Scotty and Haley still take all five of the first five, but in a slightly different order. That underwhelmed on second listen.
I refuse to listen the judges bash this. The performance I rated as my favorite on first listen up next, Scotty covering Kenny Rogers’ “She Believes In Me”.
Have to be honest, again – I LOVED this performance on first listen. So much so that “The Voice of Reason”, a totally biased Scotty backer, replied “really? That’s you’re favorite?” Yes, yes it was. I love this song, and I totally dug this performance. I hope it holds up on the second time through.
And … this is even better on second listen. This is INCREDIBLE!
“And she believes in me! I’ll never know just what she sees in me!” I can think of at least three chicas in my life that line applies to. The most specific and important one of which is “the ex”. I still don’t get what she ever saw in me, but I’m glad she saw something I apparently don’t see.
JLo is totally into the performance, singing along. In her defense … so am I. THIS is an “Idol” moment!
In the words of Reggie Jackson … THAT was “second f*cking base!” Scotty is absolutely in the finale, and on that performance alone, he deserves it. THAT was awesome!!!
I cannot download that on iTunes fast enough. And it’s gonna be a minute before I stop rewinding to get to Lauren’s best effort of the night.
Lauren doing “I Hope You Dance” by Leann Womack. First listen, this was her best performance by far. I expect the second listen to support that.
And it does.
Finally, Haley doing “You Outta Know” by Alanis Morissette. She was screwed the second she changed the words, “Go Down on You in a Theater” to “Go With You to a Theater”.
So it’s a Lauren v Scotty finale. And you know what? As hacked as I was last night … I’m ok with it today. Look it, Scotty was the most consistent performer all year. Granted, he took zero risks, chances, or gambles … but you know what? You play blackjack with “The Voice of Reason” for an hour, he’ll p*ss me off by refusing to take a risk, chance, or gamble on anything other than a 10 or 11. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad player – he’s not. He’s rock solid. He’s just conservative with his money. Scotty? Is that guy who doesn’t double an 11 against a face, doesn’t double a 10 against a 9, and looks at you funny when you double a soft 17 against a 5 or 6. Doesn’t mean he’s wrong … but he might not be right. Lauren? The up and coming prodigy. Wins a couple big hands early … then sits on it to reach the final table in the tournament. Nothing wrong with that either.
What I hate though, is that the one who DID take a risk, DID take a chance, DID roll the dice every week, craps out one week short of where she should have wound up. So in closing this post, kudos to “Idol” for giving us the deepest Final Four since season six (and arguably the deepest Final Four ever), kudos to “Idol” for surviving the turmoil of the offseason … and kudos to “Idol” for still somehow, despite my rooting interests, giving us a Finale I’ll still TiVo. And a season finale I’ll be live for. Because I have to live blog at least one “Idol” this year, right? Right? (crickets chirping …)
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