I admit that I watch a lot of quality television. Some of which (like the late, great "Detroit 1-8-7") is one-and-done stuff. Most of which ("NYPD Blue", "Lost", "Friday Night Lights") is can't miss appointment television that reinforces why I prefer TV to movies.
But I also watch some crappy, crappy shows. One show in particular, I just can't seem to quit. No matter how ridiculous the plot twists, no matter how stupid the cast, no matter how aggravating the storylines, I just can't let this show go.
And no, I'm not talking about "One Tree Hill".
I'm talking about "Big Brother", the worst reality show on television. A show so ridiculously awful, that I can't look away. It is truly television (and society) at the lowest common denominator. A show built on lying, scheming, back-stabbing, doing anything and everything to screw over your fellow houseguests to win $500,000. And if you happen to get into a drunken brawl or three, a couple shouting matches, and screw every female houseguest on camera (or male houseguest, if you're a chick or you're gay), then that's awesome!
(It's not hard to see why I am addicted to this show, in hindsight.)
Today, CBS posted the bios of the cast. Here's my initial reaction to these folks via Big Brother 13 Likeability Poll 1.0.
(Note: cbs.com only has 8 houseguests up. Which seems way low -- usually there's 14 to open the season. My guess? We're getting some former houseguests back on the show in some kind of a "twist" to "shake things up".)
(Update to the Note: I was right. You can vote on former houseguest pairings to return to the game. Looks like three pairs are returning. We'll examine them after the Likeability Poll.)
As always, the lower the number, the more I like the contestant. So you want to be 1 as opposed to 8.
(julie "the chenbot" chen voice) BUT FIRST! Like the contestants, I'll answer the online quiz / application they had to. Because my stated life goal is to be a contestant on this show. Really, who do you know that is better at hanging by a pool, drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol, and being a smart ass 24/7 than me? I don't know anyone who can combine those three skills, along with a remarkable ability to lose the t-shirt when the sun's out, like I can. I'm gonna get on this show. If only to see the reaction my mom would have. I'm guessing it wouldn't be a "good job kid, and good luck!" reaction.
* Name: Steve.
* Age: 34.
* Hometown: Kansas City.
* Occupation: Reinsurance Specialist for a Large Global Insurance Corporation.
* Three Adjectives that Describe You: laid back, unique, smart ass.
* Favorite Activities: tailgating, drinking poolside, Chiefs football, spending time with the nephew and nieces.
* What Do You Think Will Be the Most Difficult Thing Living Inside the Big Brother House? easy -- having to tolerate the token angry black chick who thinks the world is owed to her. I'm a patient guy, but those chicks annoy the sh*t out of me.
* Strategory For Winning Big Brother: Be the lovable guy that gets along with virtually everyone. Those people tend to last until the top 4 or 5. Then at that point, pray it's not an endurance competition for HoH, and try to outsmart and outwit the remaining contestants. Even if I fail, a run to the top five is pretty solid.
* Which Past Big Brother Cast Members Did You Like the Most? And Least? Most -- Jason from Season 3; Renny from Season 9; Memphis from Season 10; Jeff and Jordan from season 11. Least? Lydia from Season 11; Chima from Season 11; and Jessie from Seasons 9 and 11.
* What Are You Afraid Of? in order: flying (because of heights mostly), earthquakes, and snakes. I avoid all three as much as possible.
* What Is the Accomplishment You Are Most Proud Of? I am the (self-described) King of Useless Trivia. That, and there are no viral sex tapes of me floating around the 'net, that's something to be proud of.
* Finish This Sentence -- My Life's Motto Is ...? "No shoes? No shirt? No problems! Blues? What Blues! Hey, I've forgot 'em! With the sun and the sand, and a drink in my hand, with no bottom, no shoes? No shirt? No problem!" -- Kenny Chesney.
* What Would You Take Into the Big Brother House With You and Why? the biggest bottle imaginable of Polar Ice vodka. I have a feeling I'm gonna need it to deal with certain houseguests.
* What Would You Do If Big Brother Made You Famous? Probably nothing. I am quite comfortable with who I am. Although I would enjoy the D-list celebrity sex. At least until it started to burn when I have to pee.
Here is the initial Likeability Poll:
8. Adam. Reasons for being ranked dead last include:
Negatives?
* calling himself a "born leader". That most assuredly means he's a terrible leader. The great ones don't have to say it themselves.
* naming Ronnie and Rachel as two of his past contestants he liked the most. Ronnie annoyed me, and Rachel really annoyed me.
* he calls himself "cuddly". The dude is a hard-living biker / musician from Jersey. He's most assuredly not "cuddly".
Positives?
* said he'd bring a big bottle of bourbon into the house with him.
Predicted finish: will be one of the first three of these eight houseguests to go home.
7. Porsche. Reasons for being ranked seventh initially include:
Negatives?
* her name is Porsche. Yeah right. If the name on her birth certificate is Porsche, then mine is Eight Inches.
* she's a VIP cocktail waitress. We just had one of those last year (Rachel). It did not go well.
* she likes Natalie, likes how Natalie lied every step of the way and reached the final. Which, to be fair, I did too. However, I hated Natalie ... at least until they got rid of Chima. Then she and the token flaming gay guy whose name I can't remember were actually kinda funny.
Positives?
* her luxury item would be "bikinis -- because I live in them!" Guess it beats (matt foley voice) living in a van down by the river!
Predicted finish: first of these eight to get the boot.
6. Kalia. Reasons for being ranked sixth initially include:
Negatives?
* if Big Brother made her famous, she'd "hang out with Lindsay Lohan". Jesus God above.
* like me, she has an irrational fear of snakes. Unlike me, she checks her bed nightly to make sure there are no snakes present. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess this chick is single, and when she does find a guy friend to hang around, he ain't getting any. Poor guy.
* she's black, she's a writer, and she describes herself as "dramatic" and "adventurous". Yup, we've found the token angry black chick who thinks the world is owed to her everyone!!! These chicks really make me angry. They're Jesse Jackson in a skirt. And like the Reverend Jackson, they probably want to chop your nuts off.
Positives?
* she's a writer, which appeals to me, since I wish I was one.
Predicted finish: she'll be gone by August 1st.
5. Lawon. Reasons for being ranked fifth initially include:
Negatives?
* he describes himself as "handsomexy", a combination of "handsome and sexy, which I am inside and out". Wow! Not even Dusty is this full of himself.
* he enjoys exercise because it helps keep him "handsomeified". Whoa! . Not even I am this full of myself.
* he would bring in his face clippers as his luxury item so he could always be "camera ready". Damn! I'm calling a Lawon / Porsche hookup within two nights of this game getting underway. Unless Lawon is the token flaming gay guy. Which given his answers, might be the case. Either way, he ain't getting with Kalia because of her fear of "snakes".
Positives?
* I gotta say it. I freaking LOVE cocky, arrogant people who can back it up. We'll see if he can. If he can, there'll be a rapid rise in his standing for Likeability Poll 2.0.
Predicted finish: tough call. If he is the cocky, arrogant prick who can back it up, he might win this thing (ala Dr. Will and Hayden). If he's so full of crap that that's the reason his skin is black? He's out by July 20th. I'll split the difference and say he makes the jury, but he's not top 4.
4. Shelly. Reasons for being ranked fourth include:
Negatives?
* not many. Only b*tch is that she calls herself a "leader, a ring leader, and a team builder". Usually folks who have to say it, aren't.
Positives?
* Her favorite past houseguests are Jeff and Jordan. They're definitely high on my list.
* she and her daughter are addicted to Super Mario and Mario Kart. As someone who nearly flunked out of TCU because he couldn't stop playing Mario Kart (and 007) one semester, sweet! Then again, the drinking and smoking might have affected the GPA more than the video games, but still. Mario Kart addicts, represent!
Predicted finish: 4th out of these 8 houseguests. She seems like someone who is the token "keep dragging her with us, because everybody likes her, and we'll cut her before the final HoH showdown" contestant that Jeff played so well two years ago.
3. Keith. Reasons for being ranked third include:
Negatives?
* he's devoutly religious. He mentions attending church as one of his favorite activities (strike one), he would bring his Bible as a luxury item (strike two), and unless he's lying through his teeth, that means no hookup potential with a female houseguest (strike three). Because dammit, the whole point of ordering (jimmy lennon jr. voice) SHOWTIME!!! After Dark is for the female nudity and occasional drunken brawl. There won't be any with this guy.
Positives?
* he refers to himself by his name. "Keith would ...", "Keith believes". As someone who refers to himself as Stevo in everyday conversation, and who begins any poll or meter with "Steve", I dig this trait. He deserves a Tommy Point for that, in honor of the greatest "drop my own name" name-dropper ever, Tommy Heinsolm.
* he does mention "Playboy Keith", and said Playboy Keith would "work all day, grind all night!". I'm rethinking strike three of the negative aspects of this guy right now. There might be hope for this kid yet!
* refers to himself as "charming, adorable, and kiss ass". If he changed "kiss" to "smart", you'd have the perfect description of me!
Predicted finish: 2nd out of these houseguests. I envision him there at the final vote still in the game, actually. This guy is one to keep your eye on.
2. Dominic. Gotta be honest -- almost any other year, I'd have rated this guy number one, but trust me, I have a huge, I mean a hu-yuge!, Steve-style crush on number one. (Note the lack of the word "man" in front of crush. Oh yeah. Big Brother has picked what, at first glance, looks to be THE coolest chick ever in this show's history. But we'll get to her in a moment). Reasons for being runner up in the first Likeability Poll include:
Negatives?
* none. No, seriously. There's not one damned thing about this guy I don't like based on his bio.
Positives?
* his unhealthy fear is of ... (wait for it ...) STDs! Kid's a playa! You gotta love it. This guy and Porsche are gonna have some solid, quality hook-ups.
* he hates Jessie. Even says "I hated Jessie". Attakid!
* he gets basic Big Brother Strategory 101. He notes that he "doesn't want to be too strong, too soon. Flying under the radar is the key to this game". Hotsie Totsie we got a Yahtzee!
Predicted finish: winner of the whole damned game. I think the houseguests are gonna like this guy slightly more than Keith.
1. Cassi. Reasons for her being the alpha dog in Likeability Poll 1.0 include:
Negatives?
* none. If I have a slight complaint, and this is really nit-picking it ... she needs the diamond nose stud that drives me crazy horny. Other than that, we're looking at perfection. It also doesn't suck that she looks exactly like a tan, brunette Olivia Wilde.
Positives?
* her favorite activity is to "sit around outside and have a few beers". Are you kidding me? Are you f*cking kidding me? Has love finally found me? Godd*mmit, of ALL the years to NOT get picked to be on Big Brother, it WOULD have to be this one. (steven tyler voice) Hell, fire, sage and sashes, f*ck a duck and see what happens!
* she is deathly afraid of heights. So am I chica, hence my refusal to fly.
* her life motto is to "go hard or not at all. Suck everything you can out of life, and live with no regrets". Holy God, is this one gonna be fun to watch play the game.
* she wants lotion as her luxury item because "I need it".
* if Big Brother made her famous, she would "exploit it to the fullest". Sweet.
Predicted finish: 3rd out of these 8 houseguests, and probably 3rd or 4th overall. I can't see her winning the endurance portion of the final HoH competition. And honestly, initial thoughts are she ain't winning the memory portion of the competition either. But this is gonna be one helluva fun ride to watch play out.
Lastly, as for the "former pairings of houseguests", apparently 3 pairs of which will be in this game, I have to say "God no!" to just about all of them. I HATE bringing back previous houseguests. It never works well. Never. They damned near killed the franchise off in season eleven by bringing Jessie back. Nobody other than Evil Dick wants Evil Dick back in our lives. And if you were going to bring back a former pair of houseguests, why not that freak Nakomis and her retarded cowboy brother from season seven? At least they were entertaining. Or James and Chelsia from the winter edition. Creepy as hell, but anytime you can put a porn star and a smoking hot chick together, you at least have potential for entertaining television.
Here are the six pairings up for potential return, and my quick reaction to each of them:
* Brendon and Rachel. Excuse me while I vomit. (long pause ... toilet flushing ...) Whoops, wasn't done yet. (long pause ... toilet flushing ...) Still not feeling all that great. God, who honestly wants to see these two botch another showmance? These two had as much chemistry as Rick Schroder and Kim Delaney on "NYPD Blue", and that pairing was so awful that both actors were off the show within three months of their pairing. I do NOT need to see Rachel and her fake boobs, fake hair, and real acne on my HD television screen again. And Brendon, good God dude, you have less game than I do. Granted, you're not as drop dead handsome as I am, but I'll admit you're in the ballpark. Use your looks and charm and score somebody who isn't a f*cking psychotic b*tch buddy. Trust me, psychotic chicks are no good. They're fun for a night, maybe a weekend, but you want to bail as fast as f*cking possible from a relationship with a psychotic chick.
* Dr. Will and Mike "Boogie". This would be their third season on the show, I believe. They're fun in small doses, so if America lets them in and the other houseguests immediately target them for eviction, I guess I'm ok with this.
* Jeff and Jordan. OK I guess, but I'm not sure they can recreate what made their budding romance so fun to watch, the spontaneity of it, learning new stuff about each other every day. I mean, we're at 2 years now these two have been together. They've already done another reality show in that time frame ("The Amazing Race"). We already know all we're gonna know about these two -- Jeff's the lovable meathead with a heart of gold, Jordan's the lovable sweetheart who couldn't spell "cat" if you spotter her the "a" and the "t". Plus we have Jordan's promise to her mom to never "hook up" on television. Truly tragic. Of all the pairings, I like this one the most, but I'm not exactly enamoured with a return trip for these two.
* Jessie and Natalie. (my former boss at ... sh*t, it's been six years, no need to put the ""'s around an "adjective" anymore ... my former boss at transamerica voice) AW HELL NO! HELL NO! NO! JUST ... (crumbles paper up into a ball and chucks it at my head) HELL NO! *
(* usually this reaction was caused when I'd do or say something she didn't agree with. As anyone reading this that worked with us there can tell you, you heard her scream this phrase at least 3 times a day. And to think people wonder why my mild drinking problem became one step shy of full blown alcoholism. Transamerica! The best job I'll ever have.)
* Evil Dick and Daniele. Well, we know they're gonna get picked. Me personally? If I was on this show, and some half-wit with tats and piercings all over his body woke my ass up at 7am by banging on every pot and pan in the house? He's getting his ass severely beaten. I cannot stand Evil Dick. Although his daughter is pleasant to look at. So I guess if we have to have Dick back in our lives, at least we get some eye candy to go with it.
* Hayden and Enzo. Combined, these two have the IQ of the retarded horse on "Family Guy". But for comedy's sake? Yes. (miss robin voice) Yes, Yes, Yes!!! Bring these two back. Plus, we know Hayden will try to f*ck any chick that draws breath, so at least he brings something to the After Dark episodes.
Since I have to pick three pairings to join the house (there will be 14 total houseguests), I guess I'd go with Jeff and Jordan, Hayden and Enzo, and ... wow ... I really hate the other four pairings ... I guess by default, Dr. Will and Mike "Boogie".
Likeability Poll 2.0 will be out next Friday or Saturday, after the initial episode. Big Brother starts season 13 a week from today (Thursday, July 7th), at 8pm CT. If anyone even attempts to disturb me during the airing of this premiere episode, I'm deleting you from my phone's address book, blocking you on Facebook, and banning you on Twitter. This cast has sick potential. Should be an awesome summer of people watching.
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