I had a pretty low-key start to my vacation last night: sitting around the kitchen, enjoying a BLT and a bottle of Vertikal reisling.
But it got me to thinking. (As always, if someone’s been thinking, they’ve probably been drinking.) Sitting around the kitchen, enjoying a BLT and a bottle of wine (plus some strawberry shortcake) is how I used to end every Sunday night during the summer my last couple years of high school and into college, enjoying it with my mom of all people. So, here are 5 random things I used to love doing on a regular basis that for various reasons, never happen anymore … plus some random thoughts after the mini-list.
5. Saturday night dinner on a Chiefs home weekend. There were a lot of good things back in the late 1990s and early to mid 2000s when it came to Chiefs home game weekends, but nothing made me happier than when Gregg’s folks would arrive … because we were guaranteed one incredible meal the night before. (I’m assuming this is due to the Steve Theory that “if I drive 6 hours one way for a Chiefs game, the least I can do is eat well the night before I have to drive the 6 hours back”.)
We were guaranteed something awesome, without fail. Jack Stack, Hayward’s, the late, great Copeland’s, the late, beyond great Coyote Grill (my favorite, damn I miss the Squawking Nachos), some awesome restaurant where the tab was on his folks, so live it up.
I miss that big time. With honorable mention to the Sunday brunch before a 3pm home game. First Watch is that damned good.
4. The Sunday Ticket setup. Me and “The Voice of Reason” lived together for eight years. And every NFL Sunday when the Chiefs were on the road, that meant the house was opened up for the NFL Sunday Ticket. We’d haul out up to seven TVs, cable lines running everywhere down the hallway, and put as many quality NFL games and (when still running) the NASCAR race on TV.
I remember when my college roommate Vineet came to visit us in 2002. I went with him to pick up lunch at Hayward’s, and when we got back, Gregg had the setup going … and Vineet’s jaw damned near hit the floor. “This is like a sports bar!” Yes, yes it was.
We had the old big screen parked in front of the fireplace, the HD big screen parked underneath the cheap … I mean, high-quality Sauder entertainment center*, we’d haul my console out where the chair usually went, and then start stacking TVs on milk crates, other TV’s, and kitchen chairs. It was sweet.
(*: someday I have to recap the “day we built the Sauder entertainment center / attempted to get the lighting to work on the lower deck”. Let’s just say, between me, Tim, and Gregg, we somehow managed to completely screw up the electricity to the lower deck so that only one of the three light sockets worked, it took us 5 hours to get that entertainment center built to where it looked somewhat right, and oh yeah, that was also the day we tried to get the DirecTV dish installed, and ended with Tim deciding “F*ck it, we’re draping the wiring on the roof! This is too damned difficult!” Yes, alcohol was involved. Good times!)
We’d also haul this setup out on Election Night, so that we could have every network’s coverage. Amazingly enough, there wasn’t a girl in sight for either one of us back then. Knock me over with a feather.
3. Team Trivia Night. It started as a random, “what the hell” moment – Dusty called me up and had a coupon or something for some wings at Hooters, and asked if I wanted to meet him. Uuh, yes?
So I get up there to the Hooters at 435 and Metcalf, and turns out, they’re having Team Trivia that night. Since neither one of us had anything better to do, we decide to play … and win 10 free wings for finishing 2nd. I was like “we can do better than this”, and the next week, with a bigger group, we won the deal.
We played Team Trivia pretty much every Wednesday night for the next three years, culminating with the ultimate showdown with the Rhinos in September 2008 that got us the coveted berth in the Citywide Finals. And after that … we pretty much never played again, other than every now and then. What can I say, lives change and sh*t happens, but I miss Team Trivia night. Because anytime your Trivia Night is decided in “double overtime” based on who can do that hula hoop thing the longest (Buff, you’re the best!), you have to do it.
2. Sunday nights with my mom. It’s no secret my mom and I aren’t that close, mainly because I have no use for religion of any form, and she embraces the Church despite it’s obvious flaws. But I do miss this. I’d get done doing yard work, and she’d fry up some bacon, cut up some lettuce and tomatoes, and toss a shortcake in the oven, to prep for dinner**.
(**: true story – when my mom turned 40, my dad asked her what she wanted for that milestone birthday. Her response: “I want the right to never have to cook again unless I feel like it.” Dad gave her her wish. Seriously. We’d come home from school, and dad would have left a $20 on the kitchen table for us to go somewhere for dinner. The amazing thing is, my mom is a damned good cook, she just hates to do it.)
I used to love those Sunday nights, either at the kitchen table or on the back deck table. Usually it was just her and me, Drew was off God knows where. There’s something to be said for a mom and son bonding over some BLT’s and a bottle of wine. Maybe I should offer to do that during my week and a half off …
1. “The Couch”. Oh sweet Jesus do I miss “the couch”. It was never more fun than the last few months, when there were four of us, now affectionately dubbed by Kellie as “the family”. But man, do I miss “the couch”.
Now, a few random thoughts flowing through my head this overcast Saturday morning …
* “The Voice of Reason” and I disagree about a lot, hence his designation as “the Voice of Reason”, because he’s usually right and I’m usually wr … wr … wr … possibly incorrect. But on this point, I am absolutely right. And it is this: the Tea Party needs to be deep sixed, immediately. We are now four days away from defaulting on our obligations as a nation, to not only our creditors, but to our citizens who have spent a lifetime paying into various systems for the benefits they enjoy.
Who the hell are these quacks to demand a default? Do they not know what default means? I mean, would they dare tell their credit card company in their real lives “sorry, I think you’re charging me too high a rate, so I’m not paying you”? I’d love to see that. Because we all know what happens if you don’t pay your credit card bill – they cut off your credit line and sue your ass. As well they should. You entered into a contract with them – they provided you credit, you have to pay the bill.
Furthermore, this crap about the balanced budget amendment, really? The party of bankruptcy, the party that turned a $500 billion surplus into a $1.8 trillion deficit in 8 short years, is preaching fiscal responsibility? And furthermore, going back to the credit card analogy, if you have a credit card, or a home loan, or a car loan, or a line of credit of any way, shape, or form (and most of us have many), then by definition you are “living beyond your means”. You’re purchasing stuff with money you don’t have. It’s called “full faith and credit”. It’s how our government operates as well. God forbid these quacks that believe they’re saving this country from roo-een get a lesson in common sense.
I strongly oppose a balanced budget amendment, simply because sh*t happens that you don’t plan for in September every year. It’s why we as citizens have credit cards. It’s why the government has borrowing authority. Life happens, contrary to what these well-intentioned yet mentally retarded folks that compose the Tea Party think.
* Now to be fair, they are right about one thing: the government won’t default on August 2nd. It’ll still have enough revenue to pay about 60-62% of its obligations, and clearly the debt holders, Social Security, and military benefits will get paid. But pretty much everything else won’t. And for that, don’t you dare blame the President for wisely demanding an increase in the debt ceiling that takes us through 2012, to prevent this from being a national embarrassment during the upcoming campaign. (And I say this as someone with zero intention of voting for the President at this point. I don’t think he’s demanding a raise through 2013 for political reasons, he’s doing it for practical reasons.)
* Finally, and then I’ll move on to rainbows and lollipops and happier thoughts, the idea that these people know what’s best for us, is laughable at best. We are in this fiscal crisis solely and completely because, in the mid to late 1990s, when state government (and the federal government) were running surpluses, these morons demanded we return the excess revenues to the people because they were being “overtaxed”, rather than saving the surpluses for the eventual, inevitable economic downturn that is guaranteed to happen. A capitalist economy always ebbs and flows. In the late 1990s, in the tech boom, it flowed. Smart, sensible people would have banked the surplus for when the inevitable ebb of 2001 hit. For a perfect read on how these folks created this crisis, I highly recommend you read “What’s the Matter with Kansas” by Thomas Frank. It was written 6 years ago … and it accurately predicted everything we’re enduring right now. Because where we’re at today, was obvious 12 years ago, if you saw the natural progression of “thought” these people offer.
* The Chiefs … oy, have I been disappointed so far. Losing Ron Edwards and Shaun Smith hurt. I’m not sure why the Pioli administration didn’t fight harder to keep those two. Signing Kelly Gregg this morning helps, but he’s not better than Edwards, and probably more costly.
We still need an OLB and a backup QB. Let’s get on that already.
* The firefighter flap with the Chiefs is the most ridiculous non-story I’ve ever heard. It was a stupid mistake some guy in the marketing department made, and it was fixed within an hour. Let it go media guys. This isn’t some massive “Chiefs are cheap” conspiracy. It was a stupid mistake. What can I say, sh*t happens.
* What is ridiculous, is the Chiefs withholding pay from their employees, and now refunding it with a 3% raise to boot. What, pray tell, was the reason for ever docking pay in the first place? I know I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it seems to me the Hunt Family has been sitting on my (and thousands of other folks) season ticket money for four f*cking months! Pay your employees their fair market wage out of that, you cheap bastard. Don’t punish the innocent bystanders for your inability to negotiate with the players union.
* Finally, this is Brickyard weekend. And there are many theories flying around about why this race is nowhere near as prestigious and/or well attended as it used to be, and most of those theories have merit.
So here’s how I’d fix the Brickyard, in four simple steps:
1. Do NOT create the “Super Weekend” that is planned now for 2012. O’Reilly Raceway Park is the PERFECT venue for the Saturday night Busch race. Don’t give that up for what, 25,000 in attendance at IMS for the race on a 105 degree afternoon? I’ve been to enough Brickyards to know how f*cking hot that track gets in late July. You really think subjecting fans to two straight days of 105 degree weather on metal bleachers is going to INCREASE attendance? Really? Good God, if you buy that you’re dumb.
I mean, I’d planned to do the full NASCAR weekend here at Kansas in early June. It was 98 on Saturday for the truck race … and I damned near passed out. And I say this as someone who loves the heat. My race buddy DJ, who also loves the heat, looked awful leaving the track. When both Dusty and I can’t take it, it’s beyond awful. DJ was stuck for day two, and thankfully I wasn’t – I watched the race poolside.
To think that putting two straight races under usually 100 degree heat will draw fans? You’re nuts NASCAR. Ask the IRL how well the July 4th weekend setup at Kansas worked for a decade. Outside of me and Brett, nobody would go both days. And with good reason – it was 105 in the shade! You’re sitting on metal bleachers! It’s too damned hot!
2. Eliminate the off-week entering the current slot for the Brickyard. This is vital for my primary proposal for where to move the Brickyard in the schedule.
3. The single biggest reason why attendance has collapsed at Indy … is because you have 5 f*cking races in 8 weeks within 7 hours of Indy. Not even I can afford to attend that many. If I gotta choose, I’m taking the home race first, and Indy if I can.
Beginning the first weekend in June, through the last weekend in July, NASCAR visits Kansas, Michigan, Iowa (Nationwide and Trucks only), Kentucky, and Indy. And Chicagoland opens the Chase in six weeks. To say nothing of IndyCar and Nationwide running the Milwaukee Mile and MidAmerica in Ohio during this two month stretch. There’s too many races, in too confined a corridor, in too cramped a timeframe, for the Brickyard to work where it’s currently at. So the Brickyard needs to move. And …
4. I’d move it to Labor Day weekend, and make it the last race before the Chase. Sorry Richmond, you get bumped. Deal with it.
What doesn’t this move solve? It moves Indy nearly six weeks later, outside the crowded June / July window. It puts the race on a holiday weekend, just like the Indy 500***. It sets this up as THE biggest race of the year, the wildcard race, the “do or die” moment of the season.
(***: I still think the single biggest screwup the Brickyard ever did was moving the race from Saturday to Sunday in 2002. As someone who tries to make at least one race there every year, and usually does, you need that travel day to recover.)
By moving the Brickyard to Labor Day Weekend (the old Southern 500 slot), you move the race out of the heat of July, out of the June / July confluence of racing in the Midwest, build in a travel day (and/or a makeup day, seriously, the Cutoff Race on Labor Day? Sign me up!), and most importantly, move your Chase Cutoff race OUT of NFL Opening Weekend, giving it the primetime slot for sports news that weekend.
Somehow I think this proposal makes so much sense, even “The Voice of Reason” would sign off on it. (gregg voice) I just can’t believe you of all people thought of it …
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
big brother likeability poll 3.0
Are we really almost a month into Big Brother 13? Holy cow. We have a major shake-up at the top, as last week’s front-runner was sent packing … and this week’s front-runner is likely to go home Thursday at this point. But until the Chenbot orders Dominic to walk out the front door, I hold out hope.
14. Evel Dick (1.0: NR. 2.0: 14th.) I keep waiting for the “ha! He’s back!” bait and switch this show is so damned known for.
13. Keith (1.0: 3rd. 2.0: 4th.) Our first evicted houseguest. Gone and pretty much forgotten.
12. Cassi (1.0: 1st. 2.0: 1st.) Leave it to the Dumbf*ck Duo of Brendon and Rachel to scheme against, and ultimately send home, the funnest chick on this year’s version.
11. Rachel (1.0: NR, 2.0: 13th.) In the words of Cracker, “I need you in my life like I need a hole in my head.” Should probably note, “the ex” is finally getting into this craptacular show, and her daily anti-Rachel emails never fail to make me laugh. She’d be 14th on this poll, only I always rank the evicted / voluntarily removed houseguests in order they’re booted from back to front.
10. Porsche (1.0: 7th. 2.0: 11th.) She grows more irritating by the episode. Although did you catch The Hoff eyeing her on Sunday night’s show? In the words of my buddy Luke from back in high school, “Sex Panther Time!!!” (He now works as a minister. You can’t make this sh*t up, I’m telling you.)
9. Kalia (1.0: 6th. 2.0: 6th.) When the token “black chick that thinks the world is owed to her” isn’t ranked dead last in this poll, you know there’s some annoying as hell people in the game this summer.
8. Brendon (1.0: NR. 2.0: 5th.) You can slowly yet surely see the influence of Rachel taking him over, and this is not a good thing. I have one buddy (nameless for the sake of pity), who is married to a girl none of us like. He’s a great guy. He could have done so much better. That’s how I feel about Brendon. You can do better pal. Wake up and walk away while you still can.
7. Shelly (1.0: 4th. 2.0: 12th.) She’s growing on me. Definitely “the sleeper” that could walk away with the half million bucks because nobody has the heart to vote her out, ala Lisa in Season Three.
6. Jordan (1.0: NR. 2.0: 7th.) God I love this girl. Her response Thursday night to The Chenbot’s question about “when is there gonna be a ring on the finger” was awesome. “Well, we technically don’t even live in the same state yet! Let him move to North Carolina before I pressure him (for the ring).” God above that’s great!
5. Daniele (1.0: NR. 2.0: 9th.) Love the flirting between her and Dominic. Just lock the door to the Have Not room and get it on already.
4. Jeff (1.0: NR. 2.0: 3rd.) Other than Jason from season 3, and Memphis from season 10, this is my favorite contestant to not win the game. The question at this point is, is if Brenchel is using Jorf, or the other way around? I’m guessing Jorf is getting used and abused, unfortunately.
3. Lawon (1.0: 5th. 2.0: 8th.) He’s the funniest houseguest on this year’s show. I hope he sticks around awhile. Between him this year and Ragan last year, the “token gay guy” is finally paying off for the first time since Marcellus was in our lives.
2. Adam (1.0: 8th. 2.0: 10th.) Our biggest gainer of the week. Loved the puff piece about him on Thursday’s show, and anyone who is proud to be from Jersey, you have to admire.
1. Dominic (1.0: 2nd. 2.0: 2nd.) I fear he’s going home for suggesting the obvious, “are you freaking nuts for not pulling this play?!?!” move to Brenchel, and have them backdoor Jorf. Just like with “American Idol”, my favorite on this show always tends to bow out at least a couple weeks too early. Let’s hope the momentum shifts back to booting Adam over the next few days.
14. Evel Dick (1.0: NR. 2.0: 14th.) I keep waiting for the “ha! He’s back!” bait and switch this show is so damned known for.
13. Keith (1.0: 3rd. 2.0: 4th.) Our first evicted houseguest. Gone and pretty much forgotten.
12. Cassi (1.0: 1st. 2.0: 1st.) Leave it to the Dumbf*ck Duo of Brendon and Rachel to scheme against, and ultimately send home, the funnest chick on this year’s version.
11. Rachel (1.0: NR, 2.0: 13th.) In the words of Cracker, “I need you in my life like I need a hole in my head.” Should probably note, “the ex” is finally getting into this craptacular show, and her daily anti-Rachel emails never fail to make me laugh. She’d be 14th on this poll, only I always rank the evicted / voluntarily removed houseguests in order they’re booted from back to front.
10. Porsche (1.0: 7th. 2.0: 11th.) She grows more irritating by the episode. Although did you catch The Hoff eyeing her on Sunday night’s show? In the words of my buddy Luke from back in high school, “Sex Panther Time!!!” (He now works as a minister. You can’t make this sh*t up, I’m telling you.)
9. Kalia (1.0: 6th. 2.0: 6th.) When the token “black chick that thinks the world is owed to her” isn’t ranked dead last in this poll, you know there’s some annoying as hell people in the game this summer.
8. Brendon (1.0: NR. 2.0: 5th.) You can slowly yet surely see the influence of Rachel taking him over, and this is not a good thing. I have one buddy (nameless for the sake of pity), who is married to a girl none of us like. He’s a great guy. He could have done so much better. That’s how I feel about Brendon. You can do better pal. Wake up and walk away while you still can.
7. Shelly (1.0: 4th. 2.0: 12th.) She’s growing on me. Definitely “the sleeper” that could walk away with the half million bucks because nobody has the heart to vote her out, ala Lisa in Season Three.
6. Jordan (1.0: NR. 2.0: 7th.) God I love this girl. Her response Thursday night to The Chenbot’s question about “when is there gonna be a ring on the finger” was awesome. “Well, we technically don’t even live in the same state yet! Let him move to North Carolina before I pressure him (for the ring).” God above that’s great!
5. Daniele (1.0: NR. 2.0: 9th.) Love the flirting between her and Dominic. Just lock the door to the Have Not room and get it on already.
4. Jeff (1.0: NR. 2.0: 3rd.) Other than Jason from season 3, and Memphis from season 10, this is my favorite contestant to not win the game. The question at this point is, is if Brenchel is using Jorf, or the other way around? I’m guessing Jorf is getting used and abused, unfortunately.
3. Lawon (1.0: 5th. 2.0: 8th.) He’s the funniest houseguest on this year’s show. I hope he sticks around awhile. Between him this year and Ragan last year, the “token gay guy” is finally paying off for the first time since Marcellus was in our lives.
2. Adam (1.0: 8th. 2.0: 10th.) Our biggest gainer of the week. Loved the puff piece about him on Thursday’s show, and anyone who is proud to be from Jersey, you have to admire.
1. Dominic (1.0: 2nd. 2.0: 2nd.) I fear he’s going home for suggesting the obvious, “are you freaking nuts for not pulling this play?!?!” move to Brenchel, and have them backdoor Jorf. Just like with “American Idol”, my favorite on this show always tends to bow out at least a couple weeks too early. Let’s hope the momentum shifts back to booting Adam over the next few days.
floatapalooza uno: (good ol jr voice) good god, that's brent's music!
"I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw,
I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money,
Find some models for wives.
I'll go to Paris, shoot some heroin,
And f*ck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine
And the elegant cars.
This is our decision,
To live fast and die young.
We've got the vision,
Now let's have some fun!
Yeah, it's overwhelming,
But what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and
Wake up for the morning news?"
-- "Time to Pretend" by MGMT. The song that I'd waited all freaking day on the river to pop up on the iPod. It finally does ... and the iPod dies out halfway through it. Lesson learned. When the folks at Apple say that iPod lasts 10 hours, it ain't lasting 10 hours and 2 minutes ...
-------------------------
I have quite a few rules in life ... and I think this weekend added another one to the list.
Because any time you can spend a 109 degree day floating on a river, pounding a handle of vodka, and then somehow wind up as the designated driver, you have to do it. You just have to.
Yup, this weekend was Floatapalooza Uno of 2011. Here's your recap, as best I can remember it ...
* Left for the river about 1:15pm on Friday. There were only three of us going -- me, Katie and Cassie. Also, due to our normal place being sold out for the weekend (hooray last minute planning!), we were forced to try out a new campsite, Kozy Kamp.
* As I joked when we got there, all they needed was one more K word in their title. Yeah, it's about as funny reading it as it was when I said it. (Namely, it's not even remotely funny.)
* When we got there, the temperature had plummeted! It was 105 when we left the McDonalds in Belton. It was "only" 102 when we got to the campsite.
* Sign this was going to be one helluva fun weekend: Katie looks at me when we get there and goes "you didn't bring a hat? What's wrong with you?" I had my Jets hat on. It's kind of hard to miss a dark green hat with a big JETS logo on it.
* Here's what I liked about Kozy Kamp. And there's gonna be a pretty impressive list here, so bear with me. (1) You picked your float time. River Ranch always assigns you a departure time, and go figure, 95% of the time, it's like a 7:30am departure, so you're completely hung over and not even remotely ready to float ... or it's like a noon departure time, and you sit around bored off your ass for three hours on Saturday morning. Kozy Kamp? You just show up when you're ready to float, hand your receipt over, and bam, you're good to go. (2) No chicken plant smell. I cannot stress this wonderful feature enough. (Everyone who's ever stayed at River Ranch is nodding in agreement at how nice it is to not smell the Tyson plant overnight.) (3) We camped right on the river, and (had we known in advance, it would have been great) had access to electricity AND running water right at our campsite. (4) It wasn't a five mile walk to the pisser -- it was about 50 feet to a port-a-potty, and about 500 feet to the showers and permanent toilets. (5) Even though there was no "Late Night Loop", it was perfectly fine. We were playing the stereo, joking and having fun with the neighbors until well past midnight both Friday and Saturday. (6) The cost -- wow. We got a four person raft, camped for two nights ... and barely spent $40 / person. A comparable float at River Ranch, staying in the Late Night Loop, would have set us back almost $70 / person. (7) It wasn't overcrowded. You weren't packed in like the good stuff in my dugout, like you are at River Ranch. We had plenty of room to spread out.
* Here's the only two things I didn't like about Kozy Kamp. (1) You start the float past the bridge at the 4 mile mark. Which sucks -- I love jumping off that bridge. (2) The flies. Holy God they were bad on Friday. For some reason, our trash can didn't get cleaned out Friday morning before we got there. The flies were terrible on Friday night. Saturday it was fine, they did change out the trash while we were floating. Next time, hopefully they do that before campers arrive. Because other than the flies, I go no complaints whatsoever about Kozy Kamp.
* We got to camp about 4:30ish, checked in, parked the car, hauled out a couple coolers and the tent ... and realized I'd left the grill at home. D'oh! Undaunted, I said I'd drive across the street and buy one at the Dollar General. Only, they were sold out. So I stopped in at the local liquor store, called (appropriately enough) The Beer Store, to see if there was anyplace else in the sleepy village of Pineville to buy a grill. The nice lady working the counter at The Beer Store suggested I try the Country Mart farther down the road. So, I hopped in the car, went to the Country Mart, and realized pretty quickly that they didn't have grills for sale. So, I ask the check-out clerk if there's anyplace even remotely close that sells grills. "Sure, the Wal-Mart down the street does!" Well hot damn, there's a Wal-Mart in this town!
Uuh, not quite. The girl's directions said to take Business 71 (which I was on) until it merged into 71, then turn left (south) and go a couple miles, and the Wal Mart would be on the right. So, I hop back in the car, get to the 71 interchange ... and you can't turn left. You have to turn right (north). Frustrated, I make an illegal U-Turn a couple miles down the road, and the "couple miles" I had to drive to get to this Wal Mart was more like 15 miles. But, eventually, there it was ... on the left side of the road.
I mention this, because (a) the clerk at the Country Mart was f*cking hot as hell, right down to my favorite accessory a chick can wear*.
(*: apparently “the ex” is getting said accessory later this week. Really? You couldn’t have amused me while we dated by getting it then? Really?)
And (b) The $15 advertised price for the grill turned into $22.95 at the checkout counter inside the Wal-Mart. I did a double take, and said "are you sure? I thought the price was $15." The checkout chick (nowhere near as nice as the previous two, nowhere near as hot as the previous one) was apparently looking for a fight, because she replied "yes, that is the correct price. You obviously didn't pay attention to the price." Excuse me? I sure as all hell paid attention to the price! That's why I grabbed that grill, because it was only $15, and considering I use a grill maybe two times a year, I didn't want to throw money away on one.
The clerk then goes "well, I could walk over there and check the price, but then you'd make everyone in line behind you angry at the delay, this is an express checkout sir". Not wanting to start the weekend needing to post bond because of a brawl gone wrong in a Wal-Mart, I paid the $22.95 and threw on a four pack of Red Bull just to complete the process of getting royally screwed in a Wal-Mart in beautiful, and Jesus do I use that term loosely, beautiful Buena Vista, Arkansas.
* The one cool thing about the trip to Wal-Mart? It meant that I'd spent money in three different states, on the same day! And paid three different ways to boot -- I used my Shell card to put gas in the car in Kansas, I paid cash at McDonalds in Missouri, and I used the check card for the grill in Arkansas. I thought that was neat, spending money in three different states in one day. And hell, we were one missed exit away from adding Oklahoma to the mix too. Something to aim for in a few weeks, I guess.
* Finally make it back to camp, opt not to describe how awful my Wal-Mart experience is, and instead, open up the grill ... to find that the "no assembly required!" advertisement next to the $15 price sticker was as full of sh*t as the advertised $15 price. By now, I'm p*ssed. So, I decide to do what I do best: ditch the t-shirt and pound a couple beers. That helped clear the head a little, as somehow we got a grill fully assembled without a screwdriver.
* Funniest moment in Grill Making 101: when I finished the damned thing, got the legs on, set it over next to the firepit area, and Katie yells out "you aren't done yet, you gotta attach the top!" That set me over the edge, so I grabbed the lid, threw it down on the grill bottom and yelled "there! It's f*cking done! You happy now!" Apparently I don't get angry enough**, because both girls thought it was hilarious to watch me p*ssed off.
(**: this is entirely true. I am just about the most laid back, most even keel person you will ever meet. Except when it comes to religious conservatives or a NFL team that calls fake mile high home, then I lose all sense of rationale and reason.)
* While finishing putting the grill together, our neighbors to the left arrived. In a massive sleeper camper. Cassie immediately noted "we're making friends with those people!" Once they hauled out the industrial strength fan, it was friends ahoy!
* We managed to get the tent up in one attempt this year. A minor miracle, to say the least.
* After the tent was done, and the air mattresses were blown up, we were set. I went and threw on the trunks, and we headed down to the water to hit the dugout, because we didn't know the neighbors yet and didn't want to anger anyone.
After about two minutes in the river, we were like "f*ck it, we're lighting up at camp". The neighbors were cool as hell about it, thankfully. You always wonder when it comes to folks in their 40s and 50s, but Brett and "Brother Jeff" were down.
* Brother Jeff, that guy was hilarious. He declared himself the Minister of the First Church of Booze, and after someone would finish an adult beverage, be it a beer, vodka and Gatorade, or a jello shot, he'd "bless" the soon-to-be discarded container with an "amen". What can I say, some sh*t is really funny when you're drunk and stoned, and that whole scene was funny.
* He's also a race car driver at (I believe) Caney Valley Speedway. It has to be him -- he said he was leading the Factory Stock division, and sure as sh*t, there's a dude named Jeff Crawford on top of the points. I would absolutely take a roadie to check him out in person. Those neighbors were a blast.
* Apparently I'm nowhere near as good at drinking at 34 as I was at 24, because come 12:30, I was done-zo. I could barely walk back to the tent from the neighbor's, and I didn't have anything stronger than vodka and weed. Oy. When I woke up the next morning, it made perfect sense -- despite not starting drinking until nearly 5:30 (after the awful experience at Wal-Mart), nearly half the handle of vodka was gone-zo.
* 6:48am, some douchebag's car alarm went off ... and off ... and off. The damned thing blasted for a solid 90 seconds. I dropped a "son of a b*tch!" blast and crawled out of the tent. Nothing like having some moron trip his car alarm, waking you up a solid two hours before you'd planned to wake up.
* Let's just say, the neighbors weren't too happy with whoever set off the alarm either. If they could hear it inside the camper, with an industrial sized fan still pumping air around outside (and you couldn't hear much over that thing, it was big and it was loud), then you know that alarm was loud.
* I threw on a t-shirt, hopped in the car, and headed back to the Country Mart to grab some OJ for morning beermosas and screwdrivers. (Steve Rule Number Four: it's never too early for the first drink of the day!) I also decided to fill the Jeep up to save us some time in the morning. Really smart idea on my part (as you'll see when we get to the drive home), it definitely sped us along.
But even cooler? It wasn't a prepay pump! I was in shock. I walked in, grabbed the OJ and a couple bags of ice***, but since it wasn't my car, I had no idea how much gas would be needed to fill the thing (it was running on fumes). The nice check-out lady goes "oh don't worry about it, just pay when you're done." Here's to living in a small town!
(***: it was so hot Friday night, even my in MaxCold cooler, most of the ice had melted. And that thing is designed specifically to not allow meltage. When the $60 "designed not to melt" cooler is melting, it's definitely a little toasty outside.)
* Get back to camp (a lovely 25 second drive over a bridge), it's about 7:30am. And the temp deal on the car read 91 degrees. Now, I love hot weather. Any day in which the idea of putting on a t-shirt seems absolutely ridiculous, is a perfect day to me. (More on this in the section about Saturday night, where I get a little verklempt, but until we get there, let me channel my old school Linda Richman voice and give you a topic: the Shadow Lake Surf Club is neither on a lake, nor a surf club. Discuss.) But man, 91 at 7:30 in the morning? It's like I am back in Texas!
* Katie grilled up a sausage link for breakfast. I sat contentedly prepping the iPod and pounding the screwdrivers. Because anytime you can be over the legal limit in 50 states and the District by 9am, you have to do it.
* The neighbors said they were heading out about 9:30. We decided to try to float with them as much as possible, because (a) they were fun, (b) they had booze, and (c) I think all 8 of them had a Confederate battle flag of some sort on. Either a t-shirt, a do-rag, or a tattoo. This is where I'd normally point out the ridiculousness of the love for that flag -- for starters, it wasn't the Confederate national flag, and also, you lost the war, get over it guys. But they were nice people, so in a rare moment of common sense, I didn't say a word.
* We got on the river about 9:50am. Two hours later, I don't think we had even moved 1,000 feet. There was no current in there whatsoever.
* Eventually we tied up for the first half of the float to some guys Katie and Cassie knew from high school. Their group was pretty cool, except for the token lesbian. She annoyed the crap out of me. Plus she scared the crap out of me. Let's just say, you don't ever want to run into this chick in a dark alley. Or a lighted alley. Or any kind of alley for that matter. Sorry, but chicks with short Brenda Warner-like haircuts, hair painted four different colors, and all inked up around her back frighten me.
* For some reason, just like everyone in Brett and Jeff's group had Confederate gear going, this group we hooked up with all were in American flag gear. Right down to the chick's bikini tops being the blue background with white stars, and the bottoms being the red and white bars. I had no complaints. Other than lesbian chick. She frightened me.
* We finally detached from them (more on them to come), and went off on our own for awhile once we hit the midway point. It was pushing 3pm, and we hadn't even made it two miles yet. Plus, what really was not cool was that even if you paddled (and believe me, we tried), you basically just wound up going in a circle, the water was so calm. Eventually I figured out that I could just jump in the water and drag the damned thing along. But that was a measure of last resort, that's some physically draining activity.
* Best shot of the day (pre-cliff moment): this chick was aggressively showing off her boobs for anything, and she wasn't bad looking. Nothing like last year's grouse encounter with the drunk chick at the end of the float. This girl earned her jello shot.
* Grousest moment that was strangely hilarious and entertaining: we're beached near the midway point, and notice this college-aged dude standing in the middle of the river, trunks down around his ankles, while girls were draping his penis with beads and, uum, "giving him encouragement" to stay, uuh, “standing”, in the middle of the river, shorts down around his ankles. Lucky bastard.
* Worst moment of the day (pre-bar night): I tossed my Jets hat into the raft as I was getting ready to drag us to beach, and totally forgot my prescription sunglasses were on there. Some fish or minnow at the bottom of the Elk River can put those to good use now, I guess.
* Funniest dance manuever: I got to haul out the "Bye Bye Bye" dance on multiple occasions. The folks we were tied up with were impressed that I knew the routine. Then again, as one of them noted, when that cd came out, they were all in 6th or 7th grade. Sweet Jesus.
* Funniest random moment: as a raft passed us, the dude yelled out "is that Backstreet Boys?" Hell yes it was the Backstreet Boys. "Everybody" never gets old. Backstreet's back, alright!
* About 5ish, we hit my favorite spot, where you can start cliff jumping. (The surest sign to tell if I'm drunk: see if I hop out of the boat and start swimming for the cliffs. I am scared of heights. If I start climbing up tree roots and branches to plummet 30 feet into some water, you know I'm hammered.) So, sure as sh*t, as soon as I see the cliffs, I hop out and start swimming (it's a solid 100 foot swim away).
As I'm taking off for adventures in drunken cliff-diving fun, back at the raft, someone screams out "show us your tits!" to Katie and Cassie. Katie turns around, and wouldn't you know it, it's Brent! It is a small world after all.
Meanwhile, I've finally managed to make it over to the cliffs, and I'm starting to climb up the tree roots when I hear someone scream my name out. After losing my balance and landing in a very uncomfortable position on a tree branch (just use your imagination, and yeah, it hurt like a mother f*cker), I turn around to see if I'm hallucinating or if someone really did scream out my name. I take a look and think "wow, that dude looks an awful lot like Brent". So I swim back over to the raft, and sure as sh*t, its Brent, along with everyone's favorite airhead Mallory and a few others. After a couple rounds of jello shots, we make plans to meet up at Shadow Lake later that night (the bar across from River Ranch) that sadly never materialized due to circumstances beyond my control. (If you had "three cop cars, five officers, and a drunk shirtless dude being forcibly removed from the premises, congratulations, you're a winner! Although for once, I wasn't the drunk shirtless dude! Yay me?)
* About 6:30ish we reach the check-in point. At first, I was like everyone else, and was hacked that we had to take a bus back to the campsite. (River Ranch you land at their beach and walk back to camp). In hindsight though, I was glad for the bus -- partly because I had no energy to carry four coolers and a float back, but also because the bus driver inadvertently showed me a shortcut to Shadow Lake that knocked nearly 10 minutes off the drive time. Always important when you're the "designated driver" in a car full of drunk people to keep the ride as short as f*cking possible.
(Yes, I was the DD. How frightening is that, when the consensus of seven people is "Steve's the most sober". And I was anything but sober. Stay tuned.)
* We get back to camp and meet the neighbors to the right who'd arrived that morning. In order of appearance, you had (1) Trevor, or Trev as he went by; (2) Tyler, (3) Austin, and (4) Nick (I think). I'm pretty sure it was Nick. if it wasn't, sorry pal, but you're known as Nick now. They were from Springfield, and considering the only people I've ever met that were from Springfield are Ray and his crew that sit in front of me at Arrowhead, I figured these folks would know how to party. Uuh yes, yes they did. In a completely irresponsible, reckless, "what the f*ck is he destroying now?!?!" kind of way.
* We convince them to go to Shadow Lake with us. Now granted, it was 105 degrees outside (yes, at 9pm, the temp deal in the car said 105. Jesus God above), and nobody is less of a fan of wearing a t-shirt than me ... but we told these four before we left that "you need to bring an ID, and probably want to bring a shirt". I honestly didn't think we'd need a t-shirt -- it's a f*cking bar on the river****. But sure as sh*t, shirts required.
(****: allow me to vent about this. Number one, it's a f*cking bar right on the f*cking river. I've floated up to this place before. It's on the damned river. Don't need a shirt for that. Secondly, it was 105 f*cking degrees outside at 9pm at night. Noone should have to wear a shirt when it's that damned hot, except for Hairy Back Guy. Hairy Back Guy should be required to wear a shirt at all times, it's disgusting to look at. Third, the girls were allowed to wear their swimsuits in, didn't have to put on a shirt. Normally I am all for discrimination like that, under the proven Steve theory that "good looking chicks should be allowed to wear as little as they want". That, and let's face it, not every guy looks as good as I do with a shirt off. But for crying out loud Shadow Lake -- it's 105 degrees! Shirts optional for girls. We're on a f*cking deck next to the river for Christ's sake. I was p*ssed that I had to put that shirt on. I'd sweated through it within 2 minutes, it was so damned hot in there. I don't really have a point I guess, other than "if your business is a bar on a river, make shirts optional. Especially when it's 105 f*cking degrees both inside and outside the bar. I mean, for f*ck's sake, you host a Homemade Bikini Contest every summer Shadow Lake! I've attended the 20th, 21st, and 23rd annual of these bad boys. It's Skin to Win for crying out loud. I'm still outraged over the “no shirt, no entry” policy, and it's been two days.
I mean, what was Gregg's line at the Cardinals game when we were discussing Willie Nelson's pot case? Something like "here should be his entire defense: I'm Willie F*cking Nelson!" Same logic here. "It's 105 f*cking degrees!" Shirts optional, let's get on that Shadow Lake. Because I certainly don't need to drive 15 minutes with a car full of drunk college kids, risking a DUI, to pay you to drink, when I can grab a bottle and sit on the beach at camp. To say nothing of the fact that camp I can smoke away to my heart's content. Screw you Shadow Lake Surf Club. Christ, you're a SURF CLUB! Those guys don't wear t-shirts! Why the hell did we have to when it's 105 f*cking degrees! OK, back to the narrative.)
I wore my undershirt, and gave Tyler my favorite shirt that I own, the gray Chiefs t-shirt that I seem to wear all the time. (In my defense: it's my favorite f*cking t-shirt. As Dr. Dre once noted, "if you all don't like me, blow me".) So two down, three to go. Nick (who was passed out drunk in the back seat) amazingly enough was the only one of them to bring a shirt. Sometimes the drunk guy is the logical one. Trevor manages to find a shirt of mine in the back of the Jeep, but best of all was poor Austin, who was stuck wearing my Bucks hoodie. It's 105 f*cking degrees outside, and this poor kid is stuck in a sweatshirt designed to keep you warm when it's 20 below zero outside. He finally gave up and bought a Coors Light t-shirt.
I was feeling generous, so I paid the cover charge for the seven of us. (Yet another sign I'm smashed: when I'm being generous with cash.) To be fair, it was only $5 / person, a very reasonable cover for a Saturday night.
Having said that ... the night pretty much went down the sh*tter the second we walked in the door. For starters, we were the only 7 people there for the first 30 minutes we were there. Late arriving crowd, I guess. Yet despite being the only folks there, we couldn't get a waitress to come around and take a drink order to save our ass. Finally I gave up and walked to a bar in the back of the joint, because I was so p*ssed that the waitress at the counter by us was literally doing nothing other than talking on the phone for 30 minutes.
Meanwhile, Tyler decided to get his dance on, and hit the stage. He also hit on every reasonably attractive chick that was there Saturday night. He even convinced a few of them to join him on stage. I thought for sure we were gonna have to cram an 8th person into the Jeep. Anyways, I get to talking to Austin while Tyler's up there shaking his groove thing, and I note how impressive his pick-up skills seem to be. Turns out dude is married with two kids! Unbelievable. You have to admire that, a married guy blowing off the wife and kids for a weekend of drunken debauchery that includes aggressive attempts to score some random booty. You have to admire that, albeit in a totally f*cked up way.
The next sign this night was tanking? The fish bowls filled with rum and fruit punch were rapidly disappearing from our table. And I wasn't drinking from them (damned DD responsibilities. I am NEVER agreeing to be the DD again.)
So, it stands to reason, with (j-kwon voice) e'erybody in the club gettin' tipsy, and Tyler hitting on anything that was female and breathing, and everyone else slamming through those fish bowls like they were water ... that someone would roo-een the evening.
I run to the pisser about 11pm, and notice that we're down a few people at our table. Namely, Tyler and Nick. But I figured they were just in the crush of folks out on the dance floor and didn't think anything of it. Then, about 30 minutes later, Katie brings back another fish bowl to the table, and runs off for some reason. I figured she had to pee or wanted a different colored straw or something.
Nope. Turns out some of our party had been "forcibly evicted" from the premises. Katie comes in to get me, since we've gotta pack up and go -- it was take the evicted out of there ourselves, or the nice Noel police officers would do it for us. I make one last trip to the pisser (which was a really cool old-school wooden trough. I love the troughs. Bathroom lines move so much faster when you just line up and go, as opposed to having to wait for an individual urinal), mainly to look at myself and see how intoxicated I look. I passed the "Steve thinks he looks ok to drive" test, and headed outside.
Where Tyler is in a shouting match with one of Noel's finest. The gray Chiefs t-shirt is draped over his shoulder just drenched in sweat, and somehow, despite the fact that this place didn't serve food, he's managed to get a gigantic mustard stain on it. Nick is trying to reason with him, but it's not going well. I take a deep breath, walk up to the cops and say something like "he's with me, we're taking him home", hoping they don't smell the booze on my breath or the weed in my pocket. Fortunately they weren't looking to make a big deal out of this, so I manage to drag Tyler over to the Jeep, we manage to find Austin and Trevor, and we're off for Kozy Kamp.
* If I'd had to spend 2 more minutes in that car on the ride back, someone's ass would have been beaten to a bloody pulp. There's nothing more annoying than being around drunk people when you aren't drunk. Well, ok, there is stuff that's more annoying, but being the voice of reason to a group of drunks is not fun.
* We manage to arrive back at camp before I went "HHH with the Sledge Hammer" postal on anyone. After we get back, I go pour a very strong vodka and Gatorade concoction and head back over to the neighbors and pull up a seat next to Austin, who's trying to apologize to us for his buddy getting evicted. It's cool dude, we've all been there, done that. What wasn't cool was that whoever sat in the very back jacked up the drop-down speakers, they somehow screwed up the latch that holds them in place. So that has to get fixed. Also, they somehow molested the window enough that the padding around the window was out of place.
And the kicker? As I found out afterwards ... half of them weren't even 21 yet. I didn't ask which two were still underage (and in their defense, we didn't get carded when we walked into Shadow Lake, probably because there was nobody there), but if I had to guess, I'd go with Austin and Trevor. And possibly Nick, he wasn't doing so hot come 12:30 Sunday morning.
* What was hot ... was the friggin temperature. It was still 95 when we drove home. I couldn't get out of that t-shirt fast enough when we left the bar. Unfortunately, as I'd discover the next morning when I found my stained Chiefs t-shirt and then couldn't find my undershirt, a sunburnt back on a leather seat does not feel good. It hurts like holy hell.
* Also hot, was me, at whichever moron of the four lit a freaking campfire when we got back. Guys? It's 95 f*cking degrees outside at 1 in the morning. We really don't need a fire. We have flashlights. Nice thought, but way too freaking hot.
* The heat of the day was so bad that our air mattresses had pretty much deflated. I was so tired when I hopped in the tent that I decided "screw it", and just slept on a halfway inflated mattress. Which led to joking when the girls decided to pack it in for the night, because I looked like a freaking hot dog. My air mattress top is a light brown bun-color, and the sides had curled up around me in the middle. Glad to be the priceless entertainment.
* Sunday morning, I woke up about 7:45. I started packing everything, because I was ready to roll. Unfortunately, nobody else was. After packing up everything I could, I did what any reasonable person would do while waiting for their float partners to wake up: I poured some vodka into some Gatorade and made (dave matthews band voice) the best of what's around.
* It's at this point that Tyler woke up and came out to join me. He asked if he could bum a cigarette, and I was like "sure, my Red's are on the table over there." Somehow, despite the fact that I had exactly one cigarette the entire weekend, my pack was empty. Nice to see I was the community supplier apparently.
* Needless to say, Katie wasn't a fan of Tyler after the events of the night before. She finally woke up a little before 9, opened her eyes, saw Tyler and me talking behind the tent, and dropped an audible "oh Jesus Christ no!" that had me laughing. That apparently woke up Cassie, and I saw my opening. I grabbed my air mattress and started finishing the deflate job the humidity did to it the day before. I manage to convince the girls to get up and moving, so I can tear the tent down. Bam, by 9:30, we're packed and ready to roll.
We say goodbye to both sets of neighbors, and left at 9:32am. I mention this, because according to Mapquest, it should take 2 hours and 58 minutes to get home. I drive like a drunk Texan anyways, and we made it down in a little under two and a half hours.
Sunday? Driving home? We had a quick pit stop in a McDonalds drive through, I missed the I-44 exit and had to double back around on Missouri 249, and I intentionally slowed down at times because we had a guy following us who refused to pass me. (That royally pissed me off. I don't mind leading the pack ... for awhile. At some point you gotta assume the risk, pal.)
Anyways, despite those setbacks ... we pulled into Cassie's driveway at 11:41am. I made it back in barely 2 hours. Let's just say, we were flying.
* Also, because it isn't an official road trip in the Jeep unless we have to drive through rain to get home apparently, it started raining right after we left the McDonalds. What was nice about it though, is the temperature literally dropped 15 degrees in the span of about 5 miles. It was 92 when we left the McDonalds. It was 77 when we got to Harrisonville.
* Sunday I had a family brunch for my dad's birthday, got to watch the single most retarded children's show I have ever seen in my life*****, and eventually wound up (where else?) poolside for some vodka tonics and volleyball.
(*****: the show is Fireman Sam. It's horrible. It's worse than horrible. The episode my Special Little Guy kept making me watch with him was Fireman Sam ... wait for it ... rescuing a beached whale. Yes, a beached whale. #F*ckMyLife.)
* You know you’re loved when there’s a stiff vodka tonic waiting for you when you arrive at the pool. And yes, the Apothic red and the Barefoot moscato went down way, way, way too smooth during dinner.
* Should also mention, Rimann Liquors? You’re on my sh*t list. Who in the f*ck charges $15.61 for a tall bottle of Barefoot?!?! My brother texted me on the way home, trying to get me to swing by Trader Joe’s and grab some Two Buck Chuck (which, sadly, is now Three Bucks. Bastards.) I told him I’d grab a few bottles at Rimann, I wasn’t headed home first to swing by Ward Parkway.
Anyways, I go to check out … and it’s $15.61 per bottle! Are you f*cking kidding me! For Barefoot! You folks at Rimann are out of your f*cking minds. (But you paid for it right?) Hell yes I did. You can’t show up at a family function in my family without a couple bottles of something to share.
So ... Floatapalooza Uno of 2011 has come and gone, and you know what? We're absolutely going back Labor Day weekend. We're also going in three weeks, although I'm not sure if we're doing the Elk or the Niangra. But major props to the Kozy Kamp. I would absolutely stay there again, even over River Ranch. It's cheaper, you can spread out, and it's a solid 20 minutes closer to home. Great, fun weekend I can't wait to do again. And hopefully by the time I get back down there, the t-shirt nazis at Shadow Lake will have been replaced with friendlier folks who understand that when it's 105 f*cking degrees outside, no sane guy is going to have a shirt on ...
I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money,
Find some models for wives.
I'll go to Paris, shoot some heroin,
And f*ck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine
And the elegant cars.
This is our decision,
To live fast and die young.
We've got the vision,
Now let's have some fun!
Yeah, it's overwhelming,
But what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and
Wake up for the morning news?"
-- "Time to Pretend" by MGMT. The song that I'd waited all freaking day on the river to pop up on the iPod. It finally does ... and the iPod dies out halfway through it. Lesson learned. When the folks at Apple say that iPod lasts 10 hours, it ain't lasting 10 hours and 2 minutes ...
-------------------------
I have quite a few rules in life ... and I think this weekend added another one to the list.
Because any time you can spend a 109 degree day floating on a river, pounding a handle of vodka, and then somehow wind up as the designated driver, you have to do it. You just have to.
Yup, this weekend was Floatapalooza Uno of 2011. Here's your recap, as best I can remember it ...
* Left for the river about 1:15pm on Friday. There were only three of us going -- me, Katie and Cassie. Also, due to our normal place being sold out for the weekend (hooray last minute planning!), we were forced to try out a new campsite, Kozy Kamp.
* As I joked when we got there, all they needed was one more K word in their title. Yeah, it's about as funny reading it as it was when I said it. (Namely, it's not even remotely funny.)
* When we got there, the temperature had plummeted! It was 105 when we left the McDonalds in Belton. It was "only" 102 when we got to the campsite.
* Sign this was going to be one helluva fun weekend: Katie looks at me when we get there and goes "you didn't bring a hat? What's wrong with you?" I had my Jets hat on. It's kind of hard to miss a dark green hat with a big JETS logo on it.
* Here's what I liked about Kozy Kamp. And there's gonna be a pretty impressive list here, so bear with me. (1) You picked your float time. River Ranch always assigns you a departure time, and go figure, 95% of the time, it's like a 7:30am departure, so you're completely hung over and not even remotely ready to float ... or it's like a noon departure time, and you sit around bored off your ass for three hours on Saturday morning. Kozy Kamp? You just show up when you're ready to float, hand your receipt over, and bam, you're good to go. (2) No chicken plant smell. I cannot stress this wonderful feature enough. (Everyone who's ever stayed at River Ranch is nodding in agreement at how nice it is to not smell the Tyson plant overnight.) (3) We camped right on the river, and (had we known in advance, it would have been great) had access to electricity AND running water right at our campsite. (4) It wasn't a five mile walk to the pisser -- it was about 50 feet to a port-a-potty, and about 500 feet to the showers and permanent toilets. (5) Even though there was no "Late Night Loop", it was perfectly fine. We were playing the stereo, joking and having fun with the neighbors until well past midnight both Friday and Saturday. (6) The cost -- wow. We got a four person raft, camped for two nights ... and barely spent $40 / person. A comparable float at River Ranch, staying in the Late Night Loop, would have set us back almost $70 / person. (7) It wasn't overcrowded. You weren't packed in like the good stuff in my dugout, like you are at River Ranch. We had plenty of room to spread out.
* Here's the only two things I didn't like about Kozy Kamp. (1) You start the float past the bridge at the 4 mile mark. Which sucks -- I love jumping off that bridge. (2) The flies. Holy God they were bad on Friday. For some reason, our trash can didn't get cleaned out Friday morning before we got there. The flies were terrible on Friday night. Saturday it was fine, they did change out the trash while we were floating. Next time, hopefully they do that before campers arrive. Because other than the flies, I go no complaints whatsoever about Kozy Kamp.
* We got to camp about 4:30ish, checked in, parked the car, hauled out a couple coolers and the tent ... and realized I'd left the grill at home. D'oh! Undaunted, I said I'd drive across the street and buy one at the Dollar General. Only, they were sold out. So I stopped in at the local liquor store, called (appropriately enough) The Beer Store, to see if there was anyplace else in the sleepy village of Pineville to buy a grill. The nice lady working the counter at The Beer Store suggested I try the Country Mart farther down the road. So, I hopped in the car, went to the Country Mart, and realized pretty quickly that they didn't have grills for sale. So, I ask the check-out clerk if there's anyplace even remotely close that sells grills. "Sure, the Wal-Mart down the street does!" Well hot damn, there's a Wal-Mart in this town!
Uuh, not quite. The girl's directions said to take Business 71 (which I was on) until it merged into 71, then turn left (south) and go a couple miles, and the Wal Mart would be on the right. So, I hop back in the car, get to the 71 interchange ... and you can't turn left. You have to turn right (north). Frustrated, I make an illegal U-Turn a couple miles down the road, and the "couple miles" I had to drive to get to this Wal Mart was more like 15 miles. But, eventually, there it was ... on the left side of the road.
I mention this, because (a) the clerk at the Country Mart was f*cking hot as hell, right down to my favorite accessory a chick can wear*.
(*: apparently “the ex” is getting said accessory later this week. Really? You couldn’t have amused me while we dated by getting it then? Really?)
And (b) The $15 advertised price for the grill turned into $22.95 at the checkout counter inside the Wal-Mart. I did a double take, and said "are you sure? I thought the price was $15." The checkout chick (nowhere near as nice as the previous two, nowhere near as hot as the previous one) was apparently looking for a fight, because she replied "yes, that is the correct price. You obviously didn't pay attention to the price." Excuse me? I sure as all hell paid attention to the price! That's why I grabbed that grill, because it was only $15, and considering I use a grill maybe two times a year, I didn't want to throw money away on one.
The clerk then goes "well, I could walk over there and check the price, but then you'd make everyone in line behind you angry at the delay, this is an express checkout sir". Not wanting to start the weekend needing to post bond because of a brawl gone wrong in a Wal-Mart, I paid the $22.95 and threw on a four pack of Red Bull just to complete the process of getting royally screwed in a Wal-Mart in beautiful, and Jesus do I use that term loosely, beautiful Buena Vista, Arkansas.
* The one cool thing about the trip to Wal-Mart? It meant that I'd spent money in three different states, on the same day! And paid three different ways to boot -- I used my Shell card to put gas in the car in Kansas, I paid cash at McDonalds in Missouri, and I used the check card for the grill in Arkansas. I thought that was neat, spending money in three different states in one day. And hell, we were one missed exit away from adding Oklahoma to the mix too. Something to aim for in a few weeks, I guess.
* Finally make it back to camp, opt not to describe how awful my Wal-Mart experience is, and instead, open up the grill ... to find that the "no assembly required!" advertisement next to the $15 price sticker was as full of sh*t as the advertised $15 price. By now, I'm p*ssed. So, I decide to do what I do best: ditch the t-shirt and pound a couple beers. That helped clear the head a little, as somehow we got a grill fully assembled without a screwdriver.
* Funniest moment in Grill Making 101: when I finished the damned thing, got the legs on, set it over next to the firepit area, and Katie yells out "you aren't done yet, you gotta attach the top!" That set me over the edge, so I grabbed the lid, threw it down on the grill bottom and yelled "there! It's f*cking done! You happy now!" Apparently I don't get angry enough**, because both girls thought it was hilarious to watch me p*ssed off.
(**: this is entirely true. I am just about the most laid back, most even keel person you will ever meet. Except when it comes to religious conservatives or a NFL team that calls fake mile high home, then I lose all sense of rationale and reason.)
* While finishing putting the grill together, our neighbors to the left arrived. In a massive sleeper camper. Cassie immediately noted "we're making friends with those people!" Once they hauled out the industrial strength fan, it was friends ahoy!
* We managed to get the tent up in one attempt this year. A minor miracle, to say the least.
* After the tent was done, and the air mattresses were blown up, we were set. I went and threw on the trunks, and we headed down to the water to hit the dugout, because we didn't know the neighbors yet and didn't want to anger anyone.
After about two minutes in the river, we were like "f*ck it, we're lighting up at camp". The neighbors were cool as hell about it, thankfully. You always wonder when it comes to folks in their 40s and 50s, but Brett and "Brother Jeff" were down.
* Brother Jeff, that guy was hilarious. He declared himself the Minister of the First Church of Booze, and after someone would finish an adult beverage, be it a beer, vodka and Gatorade, or a jello shot, he'd "bless" the soon-to-be discarded container with an "amen". What can I say, some sh*t is really funny when you're drunk and stoned, and that whole scene was funny.
* He's also a race car driver at (I believe) Caney Valley Speedway. It has to be him -- he said he was leading the Factory Stock division, and sure as sh*t, there's a dude named Jeff Crawford on top of the points. I would absolutely take a roadie to check him out in person. Those neighbors were a blast.
* Apparently I'm nowhere near as good at drinking at 34 as I was at 24, because come 12:30, I was done-zo. I could barely walk back to the tent from the neighbor's, and I didn't have anything stronger than vodka and weed. Oy. When I woke up the next morning, it made perfect sense -- despite not starting drinking until nearly 5:30 (after the awful experience at Wal-Mart), nearly half the handle of vodka was gone-zo.
* 6:48am, some douchebag's car alarm went off ... and off ... and off. The damned thing blasted for a solid 90 seconds. I dropped a "son of a b*tch!" blast and crawled out of the tent. Nothing like having some moron trip his car alarm, waking you up a solid two hours before you'd planned to wake up.
* Let's just say, the neighbors weren't too happy with whoever set off the alarm either. If they could hear it inside the camper, with an industrial sized fan still pumping air around outside (and you couldn't hear much over that thing, it was big and it was loud), then you know that alarm was loud.
* I threw on a t-shirt, hopped in the car, and headed back to the Country Mart to grab some OJ for morning beermosas and screwdrivers. (Steve Rule Number Four: it's never too early for the first drink of the day!) I also decided to fill the Jeep up to save us some time in the morning. Really smart idea on my part (as you'll see when we get to the drive home), it definitely sped us along.
But even cooler? It wasn't a prepay pump! I was in shock. I walked in, grabbed the OJ and a couple bags of ice***, but since it wasn't my car, I had no idea how much gas would be needed to fill the thing (it was running on fumes). The nice check-out lady goes "oh don't worry about it, just pay when you're done." Here's to living in a small town!
(***: it was so hot Friday night, even my in MaxCold cooler, most of the ice had melted. And that thing is designed specifically to not allow meltage. When the $60 "designed not to melt" cooler is melting, it's definitely a little toasty outside.)
* Get back to camp (a lovely 25 second drive over a bridge), it's about 7:30am. And the temp deal on the car read 91 degrees. Now, I love hot weather. Any day in which the idea of putting on a t-shirt seems absolutely ridiculous, is a perfect day to me. (More on this in the section about Saturday night, where I get a little verklempt, but until we get there, let me channel my old school Linda Richman voice and give you a topic: the Shadow Lake Surf Club is neither on a lake, nor a surf club. Discuss.) But man, 91 at 7:30 in the morning? It's like I am back in Texas!
* Katie grilled up a sausage link for breakfast. I sat contentedly prepping the iPod and pounding the screwdrivers. Because anytime you can be over the legal limit in 50 states and the District by 9am, you have to do it.
* The neighbors said they were heading out about 9:30. We decided to try to float with them as much as possible, because (a) they were fun, (b) they had booze, and (c) I think all 8 of them had a Confederate battle flag of some sort on. Either a t-shirt, a do-rag, or a tattoo. This is where I'd normally point out the ridiculousness of the love for that flag -- for starters, it wasn't the Confederate national flag, and also, you lost the war, get over it guys. But they were nice people, so in a rare moment of common sense, I didn't say a word.
* We got on the river about 9:50am. Two hours later, I don't think we had even moved 1,000 feet. There was no current in there whatsoever.
* Eventually we tied up for the first half of the float to some guys Katie and Cassie knew from high school. Their group was pretty cool, except for the token lesbian. She annoyed the crap out of me. Plus she scared the crap out of me. Let's just say, you don't ever want to run into this chick in a dark alley. Or a lighted alley. Or any kind of alley for that matter. Sorry, but chicks with short Brenda Warner-like haircuts, hair painted four different colors, and all inked up around her back frighten me.
* For some reason, just like everyone in Brett and Jeff's group had Confederate gear going, this group we hooked up with all were in American flag gear. Right down to the chick's bikini tops being the blue background with white stars, and the bottoms being the red and white bars. I had no complaints. Other than lesbian chick. She frightened me.
* We finally detached from them (more on them to come), and went off on our own for awhile once we hit the midway point. It was pushing 3pm, and we hadn't even made it two miles yet. Plus, what really was not cool was that even if you paddled (and believe me, we tried), you basically just wound up going in a circle, the water was so calm. Eventually I figured out that I could just jump in the water and drag the damned thing along. But that was a measure of last resort, that's some physically draining activity.
* Best shot of the day (pre-cliff moment): this chick was aggressively showing off her boobs for anything, and she wasn't bad looking. Nothing like last year's grouse encounter with the drunk chick at the end of the float. This girl earned her jello shot.
* Grousest moment that was strangely hilarious and entertaining: we're beached near the midway point, and notice this college-aged dude standing in the middle of the river, trunks down around his ankles, while girls were draping his penis with beads and, uum, "giving him encouragement" to stay, uuh, “standing”, in the middle of the river, shorts down around his ankles. Lucky bastard.
* Worst moment of the day (pre-bar night): I tossed my Jets hat into the raft as I was getting ready to drag us to beach, and totally forgot my prescription sunglasses were on there. Some fish or minnow at the bottom of the Elk River can put those to good use now, I guess.
* Funniest dance manuever: I got to haul out the "Bye Bye Bye" dance on multiple occasions. The folks we were tied up with were impressed that I knew the routine. Then again, as one of them noted, when that cd came out, they were all in 6th or 7th grade. Sweet Jesus.
* Funniest random moment: as a raft passed us, the dude yelled out "is that Backstreet Boys?" Hell yes it was the Backstreet Boys. "Everybody" never gets old. Backstreet's back, alright!
* About 5ish, we hit my favorite spot, where you can start cliff jumping. (The surest sign to tell if I'm drunk: see if I hop out of the boat and start swimming for the cliffs. I am scared of heights. If I start climbing up tree roots and branches to plummet 30 feet into some water, you know I'm hammered.) So, sure as sh*t, as soon as I see the cliffs, I hop out and start swimming (it's a solid 100 foot swim away).
As I'm taking off for adventures in drunken cliff-diving fun, back at the raft, someone screams out "show us your tits!" to Katie and Cassie. Katie turns around, and wouldn't you know it, it's Brent! It is a small world after all.
Meanwhile, I've finally managed to make it over to the cliffs, and I'm starting to climb up the tree roots when I hear someone scream my name out. After losing my balance and landing in a very uncomfortable position on a tree branch (just use your imagination, and yeah, it hurt like a mother f*cker), I turn around to see if I'm hallucinating or if someone really did scream out my name. I take a look and think "wow, that dude looks an awful lot like Brent". So I swim back over to the raft, and sure as sh*t, its Brent, along with everyone's favorite airhead Mallory and a few others. After a couple rounds of jello shots, we make plans to meet up at Shadow Lake later that night (the bar across from River Ranch) that sadly never materialized due to circumstances beyond my control. (If you had "three cop cars, five officers, and a drunk shirtless dude being forcibly removed from the premises, congratulations, you're a winner! Although for once, I wasn't the drunk shirtless dude! Yay me?)
* About 6:30ish we reach the check-in point. At first, I was like everyone else, and was hacked that we had to take a bus back to the campsite. (River Ranch you land at their beach and walk back to camp). In hindsight though, I was glad for the bus -- partly because I had no energy to carry four coolers and a float back, but also because the bus driver inadvertently showed me a shortcut to Shadow Lake that knocked nearly 10 minutes off the drive time. Always important when you're the "designated driver" in a car full of drunk people to keep the ride as short as f*cking possible.
(Yes, I was the DD. How frightening is that, when the consensus of seven people is "Steve's the most sober". And I was anything but sober. Stay tuned.)
* We get back to camp and meet the neighbors to the right who'd arrived that morning. In order of appearance, you had (1) Trevor, or Trev as he went by; (2) Tyler, (3) Austin, and (4) Nick (I think). I'm pretty sure it was Nick. if it wasn't, sorry pal, but you're known as Nick now. They were from Springfield, and considering the only people I've ever met that were from Springfield are Ray and his crew that sit in front of me at Arrowhead, I figured these folks would know how to party. Uuh yes, yes they did. In a completely irresponsible, reckless, "what the f*ck is he destroying now?!?!" kind of way.
* We convince them to go to Shadow Lake with us. Now granted, it was 105 degrees outside (yes, at 9pm, the temp deal in the car said 105. Jesus God above), and nobody is less of a fan of wearing a t-shirt than me ... but we told these four before we left that "you need to bring an ID, and probably want to bring a shirt". I honestly didn't think we'd need a t-shirt -- it's a f*cking bar on the river****. But sure as sh*t, shirts required.
(****: allow me to vent about this. Number one, it's a f*cking bar right on the f*cking river. I've floated up to this place before. It's on the damned river. Don't need a shirt for that. Secondly, it was 105 f*cking degrees outside at 9pm at night. Noone should have to wear a shirt when it's that damned hot, except for Hairy Back Guy. Hairy Back Guy should be required to wear a shirt at all times, it's disgusting to look at. Third, the girls were allowed to wear their swimsuits in, didn't have to put on a shirt. Normally I am all for discrimination like that, under the proven Steve theory that "good looking chicks should be allowed to wear as little as they want". That, and let's face it, not every guy looks as good as I do with a shirt off. But for crying out loud Shadow Lake -- it's 105 degrees! Shirts optional for girls. We're on a f*cking deck next to the river for Christ's sake. I was p*ssed that I had to put that shirt on. I'd sweated through it within 2 minutes, it was so damned hot in there. I don't really have a point I guess, other than "if your business is a bar on a river, make shirts optional. Especially when it's 105 f*cking degrees both inside and outside the bar. I mean, for f*ck's sake, you host a Homemade Bikini Contest every summer Shadow Lake! I've attended the 20th, 21st, and 23rd annual of these bad boys. It's Skin to Win for crying out loud. I'm still outraged over the “no shirt, no entry” policy, and it's been two days.
I mean, what was Gregg's line at the Cardinals game when we were discussing Willie Nelson's pot case? Something like "here should be his entire defense: I'm Willie F*cking Nelson!" Same logic here. "It's 105 f*cking degrees!" Shirts optional, let's get on that Shadow Lake. Because I certainly don't need to drive 15 minutes with a car full of drunk college kids, risking a DUI, to pay you to drink, when I can grab a bottle and sit on the beach at camp. To say nothing of the fact that camp I can smoke away to my heart's content. Screw you Shadow Lake Surf Club. Christ, you're a SURF CLUB! Those guys don't wear t-shirts! Why the hell did we have to when it's 105 f*cking degrees! OK, back to the narrative.)
I wore my undershirt, and gave Tyler my favorite shirt that I own, the gray Chiefs t-shirt that I seem to wear all the time. (In my defense: it's my favorite f*cking t-shirt. As Dr. Dre once noted, "if you all don't like me, blow me".) So two down, three to go. Nick (who was passed out drunk in the back seat) amazingly enough was the only one of them to bring a shirt. Sometimes the drunk guy is the logical one. Trevor manages to find a shirt of mine in the back of the Jeep, but best of all was poor Austin, who was stuck wearing my Bucks hoodie. It's 105 f*cking degrees outside, and this poor kid is stuck in a sweatshirt designed to keep you warm when it's 20 below zero outside. He finally gave up and bought a Coors Light t-shirt.
I was feeling generous, so I paid the cover charge for the seven of us. (Yet another sign I'm smashed: when I'm being generous with cash.) To be fair, it was only $5 / person, a very reasonable cover for a Saturday night.
Having said that ... the night pretty much went down the sh*tter the second we walked in the door. For starters, we were the only 7 people there for the first 30 minutes we were there. Late arriving crowd, I guess. Yet despite being the only folks there, we couldn't get a waitress to come around and take a drink order to save our ass. Finally I gave up and walked to a bar in the back of the joint, because I was so p*ssed that the waitress at the counter by us was literally doing nothing other than talking on the phone for 30 minutes.
Meanwhile, Tyler decided to get his dance on, and hit the stage. He also hit on every reasonably attractive chick that was there Saturday night. He even convinced a few of them to join him on stage. I thought for sure we were gonna have to cram an 8th person into the Jeep. Anyways, I get to talking to Austin while Tyler's up there shaking his groove thing, and I note how impressive his pick-up skills seem to be. Turns out dude is married with two kids! Unbelievable. You have to admire that, a married guy blowing off the wife and kids for a weekend of drunken debauchery that includes aggressive attempts to score some random booty. You have to admire that, albeit in a totally f*cked up way.
The next sign this night was tanking? The fish bowls filled with rum and fruit punch were rapidly disappearing from our table. And I wasn't drinking from them (damned DD responsibilities. I am NEVER agreeing to be the DD again.)
So, it stands to reason, with (j-kwon voice) e'erybody in the club gettin' tipsy, and Tyler hitting on anything that was female and breathing, and everyone else slamming through those fish bowls like they were water ... that someone would roo-een the evening.
I run to the pisser about 11pm, and notice that we're down a few people at our table. Namely, Tyler and Nick. But I figured they were just in the crush of folks out on the dance floor and didn't think anything of it. Then, about 30 minutes later, Katie brings back another fish bowl to the table, and runs off for some reason. I figured she had to pee or wanted a different colored straw or something.
Nope. Turns out some of our party had been "forcibly evicted" from the premises. Katie comes in to get me, since we've gotta pack up and go -- it was take the evicted out of there ourselves, or the nice Noel police officers would do it for us. I make one last trip to the pisser (which was a really cool old-school wooden trough. I love the troughs. Bathroom lines move so much faster when you just line up and go, as opposed to having to wait for an individual urinal), mainly to look at myself and see how intoxicated I look. I passed the "Steve thinks he looks ok to drive" test, and headed outside.
Where Tyler is in a shouting match with one of Noel's finest. The gray Chiefs t-shirt is draped over his shoulder just drenched in sweat, and somehow, despite the fact that this place didn't serve food, he's managed to get a gigantic mustard stain on it. Nick is trying to reason with him, but it's not going well. I take a deep breath, walk up to the cops and say something like "he's with me, we're taking him home", hoping they don't smell the booze on my breath or the weed in my pocket. Fortunately they weren't looking to make a big deal out of this, so I manage to drag Tyler over to the Jeep, we manage to find Austin and Trevor, and we're off for Kozy Kamp.
* If I'd had to spend 2 more minutes in that car on the ride back, someone's ass would have been beaten to a bloody pulp. There's nothing more annoying than being around drunk people when you aren't drunk. Well, ok, there is stuff that's more annoying, but being the voice of reason to a group of drunks is not fun.
* We manage to arrive back at camp before I went "HHH with the Sledge Hammer" postal on anyone. After we get back, I go pour a very strong vodka and Gatorade concoction and head back over to the neighbors and pull up a seat next to Austin, who's trying to apologize to us for his buddy getting evicted. It's cool dude, we've all been there, done that. What wasn't cool was that whoever sat in the very back jacked up the drop-down speakers, they somehow screwed up the latch that holds them in place. So that has to get fixed. Also, they somehow molested the window enough that the padding around the window was out of place.
And the kicker? As I found out afterwards ... half of them weren't even 21 yet. I didn't ask which two were still underage (and in their defense, we didn't get carded when we walked into Shadow Lake, probably because there was nobody there), but if I had to guess, I'd go with Austin and Trevor. And possibly Nick, he wasn't doing so hot come 12:30 Sunday morning.
* What was hot ... was the friggin temperature. It was still 95 when we drove home. I couldn't get out of that t-shirt fast enough when we left the bar. Unfortunately, as I'd discover the next morning when I found my stained Chiefs t-shirt and then couldn't find my undershirt, a sunburnt back on a leather seat does not feel good. It hurts like holy hell.
* Also hot, was me, at whichever moron of the four lit a freaking campfire when we got back. Guys? It's 95 f*cking degrees outside at 1 in the morning. We really don't need a fire. We have flashlights. Nice thought, but way too freaking hot.
* The heat of the day was so bad that our air mattresses had pretty much deflated. I was so tired when I hopped in the tent that I decided "screw it", and just slept on a halfway inflated mattress. Which led to joking when the girls decided to pack it in for the night, because I looked like a freaking hot dog. My air mattress top is a light brown bun-color, and the sides had curled up around me in the middle. Glad to be the priceless entertainment.
* Sunday morning, I woke up about 7:45. I started packing everything, because I was ready to roll. Unfortunately, nobody else was. After packing up everything I could, I did what any reasonable person would do while waiting for their float partners to wake up: I poured some vodka into some Gatorade and made (dave matthews band voice) the best of what's around.
* It's at this point that Tyler woke up and came out to join me. He asked if he could bum a cigarette, and I was like "sure, my Red's are on the table over there." Somehow, despite the fact that I had exactly one cigarette the entire weekend, my pack was empty. Nice to see I was the community supplier apparently.
* Needless to say, Katie wasn't a fan of Tyler after the events of the night before. She finally woke up a little before 9, opened her eyes, saw Tyler and me talking behind the tent, and dropped an audible "oh Jesus Christ no!" that had me laughing. That apparently woke up Cassie, and I saw my opening. I grabbed my air mattress and started finishing the deflate job the humidity did to it the day before. I manage to convince the girls to get up and moving, so I can tear the tent down. Bam, by 9:30, we're packed and ready to roll.
We say goodbye to both sets of neighbors, and left at 9:32am. I mention this, because according to Mapquest, it should take 2 hours and 58 minutes to get home. I drive like a drunk Texan anyways, and we made it down in a little under two and a half hours.
Sunday? Driving home? We had a quick pit stop in a McDonalds drive through, I missed the I-44 exit and had to double back around on Missouri 249, and I intentionally slowed down at times because we had a guy following us who refused to pass me. (That royally pissed me off. I don't mind leading the pack ... for awhile. At some point you gotta assume the risk, pal.)
Anyways, despite those setbacks ... we pulled into Cassie's driveway at 11:41am. I made it back in barely 2 hours. Let's just say, we were flying.
* Also, because it isn't an official road trip in the Jeep unless we have to drive through rain to get home apparently, it started raining right after we left the McDonalds. What was nice about it though, is the temperature literally dropped 15 degrees in the span of about 5 miles. It was 92 when we left the McDonalds. It was 77 when we got to Harrisonville.
* Sunday I had a family brunch for my dad's birthday, got to watch the single most retarded children's show I have ever seen in my life*****, and eventually wound up (where else?) poolside for some vodka tonics and volleyball.
(*****: the show is Fireman Sam. It's horrible. It's worse than horrible. The episode my Special Little Guy kept making me watch with him was Fireman Sam ... wait for it ... rescuing a beached whale. Yes, a beached whale. #F*ckMyLife.)
* You know you’re loved when there’s a stiff vodka tonic waiting for you when you arrive at the pool. And yes, the Apothic red and the Barefoot moscato went down way, way, way too smooth during dinner.
* Should also mention, Rimann Liquors? You’re on my sh*t list. Who in the f*ck charges $15.61 for a tall bottle of Barefoot?!?! My brother texted me on the way home, trying to get me to swing by Trader Joe’s and grab some Two Buck Chuck (which, sadly, is now Three Bucks. Bastards.) I told him I’d grab a few bottles at Rimann, I wasn’t headed home first to swing by Ward Parkway.
Anyways, I go to check out … and it’s $15.61 per bottle! Are you f*cking kidding me! For Barefoot! You folks at Rimann are out of your f*cking minds. (But you paid for it right?) Hell yes I did. You can’t show up at a family function in my family without a couple bottles of something to share.
So ... Floatapalooza Uno of 2011 has come and gone, and you know what? We're absolutely going back Labor Day weekend. We're also going in three weeks, although I'm not sure if we're doing the Elk or the Niangra. But major props to the Kozy Kamp. I would absolutely stay there again, even over River Ranch. It's cheaper, you can spread out, and it's a solid 20 minutes closer to home. Great, fun weekend I can't wait to do again. And hopefully by the time I get back down there, the t-shirt nazis at Shadow Lake will have been replaced with friendlier folks who understand that when it's 105 f*cking degrees outside, no sane guy is going to have a shirt on ...
cd review: matt nathanson's "modern love"
I haven't done a music review in a while. In a long while actually, as in "before this site started". I found a couple old reviews (for Incubus' "Light Grenades" and Fall Out Boy's "Infinity on High") I might post eventually.
But today's review? For Matt Nathanson's latest effort, "Modern Love".
Let's do this. Especially since he's coming to town September 4th (at Sandstone, with Train and Maroon 5. You can bet your sweet ass I'll be there. If I'm willing to drive to Lawrence and endure a night at the Bottleneck to see this guy, I certainly can find a way to sit outdoors on a late summer night with a frosty cold one and enjoy him.)
"Modern Love" by Matt Nathanson.
11 tracks, approximately 39 minutes.
Track 1: "Faster". His current single, and it's good. Great start to the cd*. Has kind of a "Answering Machine" vibe to it, only more up-tempo. Fun song to listen to when you're floating in the pool. Uum, not that I did that last weekend.
Best line(s): verse two:
"it's the way you swell, slow
pushing right out your seams.
it's the way you smile, baby
when you've got me on my knees.
your all night noise,
your siren howl,
you make my heart ... beat ... faster**"
Grade: A-. Tremendous start to this thing.
(*: if you download an entire "cd" on iTunes, is it actually a cd? I'm going with yes, because I have no freaking clue what else to call it, but I'm guessing there's some fancier term for a "cd" downloaded on iTunes.)
(**: love how the lyrics on his site are all in lower case. Attakid!)
Track 2: "Modern Love". If there's a word stronger than "phenomenal" to describe something, that definitely applies to this song. This is by far and away my favorite song on the "cd", and there's still at least two more A's coming up. I think this will be the massive smash hit off this "cd". Really, really catchy sound. And I'm fully aware "Faster" has already reached the Top 5 in the Billboard Hot 100 list.
Plus I kinda dig the whole point of the song -- "this modern love, it's not enough". The idea that maybe our folks really did f*ck society over with their free love ideas, and that our grandparents had it right -- find your soulmate and settle for being happy. (Note: I do not agree with that idea, I'm just saying I can see some merit to it. Although why you can't have both, that you can't start out playing the field, and when you find "the one", be happy with settling, I have no idea. It's the plan I'm on. Eventually it might pay off.)
Best line(s): "one big exhale never did me no good".
Grade: A+. I dare you to not loop this song back at least twice after you first hear it.
Track 3: "Love Comes Tumbling Down". I suppose a letdown was inevitable after the two tremendous opening tracks ... and yet, I wouldn't call this song a letdown. It's just there. I didn't love it, I didn't hate it, it is just there. One of those "I wouldn't fast forward it, but I also wouldn't rewind it" tracks. It's just there.
And you know what? I'm fine with that. A Matt Nathanson song that is just "there" is still better than 99.99% of what is a "hit" on the charts right now. Most modern pop music is absolute crap. And by "most", I mean anything not performed by Usher. This song doesn't fall into that category.
Best line(s): none. It's not a memorable song in any way, shape or form, either good or bad.
Grade: C. A perfectly mediocre effort.
Track 4: "Room at the End of the World". And after a perfectly mediocre, bland effort on the track before, BAM!, right back into the good times. Well, ok, "good times" might be a relative term, considering this song is about rebounding from a breakup, but man, this song kicks grass. Love the upbeat tempo, really catchy lyrics (especially the chorus). Really solid effort.
Best line(s): the first verse ...
"i was weaving with the drunks,
singing sinatra loud.
i let go of love
once it had finally figured me out.
i was buried like a treasure,
but no one ever came to mark the spot.
so i got good at pleasure,
and tying tighter knots."
and the chorus ...
"if the sun don't light,
and the night won't turn,
we'll get a room
at the end of the world.
and we'll rewrite
all the wrongs we've learned
safe in our room
at the end of the world."
Grade: A. Has definite potential to replace "Answering Machine" as the crowd-led anthem that comes out of nowhere at his concerts.
Track 5: "Kiss Quick". Well, I guess at some point there had to be a clunker, and for me, this one is it. It has a kinda catchy sound to it, but it's too damned slow for my tastes. Honestly? This one was very unpleasant to listen to. Definitely will be skip-over country going forward.
Best line(s): none. If I never hear this track again, I can die a happy man.
Grade: D. What can I say, I grade on a liberal curve.
Track 6: "Mercy". Which is what your ears are asking for after the previous track, and this song sorta, kinda delivers it. Liked it going up-tempo again. Really liked what he did with the sound on the verses, and I liked the first half of the chorus.
Having said that ... what the hell did he do with the second half of the chorus? It sounds worse than me in the shower. Not sure if he was trying to go throwback techno there, or is it still modern techno, since his voice sounds like the opening of Lady Gaga's "Poker Face". (Poker? I didn't even kiss her! Come on, I've been waiting all year to drop that line in a posting!)
I'm assuming based on the lyrics that it's an examination of our modern society's infatuation with fame. Specifically, making sure everyone's flames out at 14:59 on the 15 minute clock. And on that basis, it works. But Christ, is the second half of the chorus awful, absolutely awful.
Best line(s): second half of the first verse:
"'cause i'm in no shape
to do what's right.
i see up that's down
and black that's white."
Grade: B. Now watch everyone listen to this song and yell back "what the hell is this guy talking about? That second half of the chorus perfectly fit the song! I love this track!" I can see me ducking some rotten fruit already.
Track 7: "Kept". Well, as far as "sorry I cheated on you honey, please take me back, I'm admitting I screwed up here!" songs go, this isn't half bad. Although those kind of songs are best met with a strong "sorry, go f*ck yourself!" response that isn't present here. (Think either of the two Fleetwood Mac classics, "Go Your Own Way" or "Silver Springs", neither of which ever get old to listen to. Especially when Stevie grabs the mic in "Silver Springs", turns to face Lindsey, and is so enraged come 90 seconds later that it takes her an entire freaking chorus to calm down enough to end the song. Sweet stuff.)
I kinda liked the slower tempo on this track. Also like how it picks up steam and pace and sound as you build to the ending. Overall, it's a keeper. It'll never get released as a single, but that's ok. A few of my favorite songs never got airplay. Those are the ones really worth remembering, because not every person and his brother's neighbor's housekeeper's child's best friend's dad knows it.
Best line(s): the chorus:
"and i should have kept my head,
and i should have kept my arms inside,
i believe it now."
Grade: A-. Solid effort that will really be neat to listen to live if he goes acoustic with it, which I am willing to wager my entire life's savings of $.36 that he will on tour.
Track 8: "Run". His collaboration with Sugarland ... and it not only does not disappoint, if I didn't love the title track to this "cd" so much, this would be my favorite song on the "cd". This is absolutely fantastic. The first verse (Nathanson singing) sounds exactly like an OAR song. You can actually kind of hear "Shattered" in the sound. The second verse (Jennifer Nettles singing), boy I'm probably gonna really be ducking rotten tomatoes for saying this from rabid fans of who I'm going to compare her to ... but god damn if she doesn't sound like Reba McIntyre on her vocals. This song is fantastic. It is absolutely fantastic, and they're gonna have a smash country hit with this. As well they should.
Best line(s): the whole damned song? OK, ok, I'll narrow it down to the first verse, keeping in mind this is Nathanson singing it to Nettles ...
"i wanna watch you undress.
i wanna watch you glow.
let your hair down all around,
cover us both.
you come in a wave,
we crash and we roll,
you surround me, pull me,
drown me, swallow me whole."
And the second verse, Jennifer's rebuttal to Matt's advances:
"you pull me in close.
you buckle my knees.
i shake and i shiver
just to hear you breathe.
you trace my lines
stirring my soul
shoot sparks at the heart of the world
and i watch it explode."
Grade: B+. Here's my complaint about this song, and yeah, it's a really small one ... but the song should have ended after the second chorus. I think it would have been better that way. And since it's my review, that docks this track nearly a full letter grade. It definitely would have been an A had it ended where I wanted it to, and possibly an A+. Still, it's phenomenally good.
Track 9: "Queen of (K)nots". Just from the title alone, this has potential. And I like the sound, it kinda sounds like Fall Out Boy's "I Don't Care" to begin with (which is my favorite song by them, it's that or "Sugar We're Going Down").
This song grows on you, both as it goes along, and as you listen to it more than once. Which is good. This song isn't half bad. He might have a minor hit with this if he releases it.
Best line(s): the chorus:
"you send me sailing into the rocks,
my queen of (k)nots.
your heart's a jungle of bar fights,
lonely little queen of (k)nots,
you must be lost."
Grade: A. Solid effort.
Track 10: "Drop to Hold You". I love the intro to this song. The sound and vibe is really sweet. The background sound honestly sounds like something you'd heard during a key scene on "One Tree Hill". And yes, I realize that in the minds of most readers, that is not a good thing, but in this case, it is.
Lyrics are ok. He's done better though.
Best line(s): "i had a thief, he stole my money.
took my heart, took it so quick,
he left a hole as big as texas, oh oh oh oh oh."
Grade: B-. It's a decent effort, but I'd have put this closer to the front of the "cd". Especially given how it was building momentum with "Run" and "Queen of (K)nots" before this.
Track 11: "Bottom of the Sea". Has kind of a John Mayer vibe to it, and I like it. This is where he's at his best, just a stripped down love ballad that's both revealing and funny all at once. This song perfectly captures that feel.
Best line(s): "if the morning light ever calls you backwards,
if the surface ever begs you home,
don't be gone too long,
please don't leave me here alone."
Grade: A-. A rock solid finish to a rock solid "cd".
Overall: I gave 6 of the 11 tracks an "A", and it should have been seven -- I was probably too harsh on "Run". Overall, it's a better "cd" than "This Mad Hope" and "Still Waiting for Spring", but none of these songs are as great as "Answering Machine" or "More Than This" (off "Spring") or "Come On Get Higher" and "Heartbreak World" (off "Hope"). Still, it's well worth the $7.99 to download the mp3 album at iTunes or amazon.com. Do it -- you won't regret it.
Verdict: buy as soon as f*cking possible, the highest designation I can give something.
One last musical note ...
Last Friday night, I went to KC Live down at the Power and Light District to see Gavin DeGraw in concert. He does three songs I absolutely love: "Follow Through", "In Love With a Girl", and "the song" to me, "I Don't Wanna Be".
This was the most geeked I'd been for a concert since Korn, Snoop Dogg, and Linkin Park rolled into town for Projekt Revolution seven years ago this August. (Has it really been that long? Really? It seems like yesterday that concert went down, given that I can remember every damned thing about that day, despite heavy drinking and inhaling. Probably because (a) of the extremely obese chick in front of me in a sports bra and not much else, an image that would jolt anyone into sobriety, and (b) the dude behind me who tripped on 'shrooms and puked. Stay classy champ, stay classy.)
Anyways, I was highly anticipating this concert, specifically the moment that I knew would be the final performance of the night. For nearly three freaking hours, he rocked KC Live. He started about 9:30, and it was 12:20ish when he came out for the encore ... which just might be the best ten minutes of the last year of my life.
To begin with, he opened his set with "In Love With a Girl", which is probably his biggest hit to date. (Even if you think you haven't heard it, trust me -- you have. Two people there with us had no clue what this guy sang, and they'd both heard this song.) About midway through, he nailed "Chariot", then followed that up with, uuh, "Follow Through", which is an awesome song in and of itself. (And is on the playlist for Floatapalooza Uno of 2011 this weekend.)
After nearly three hours of rocking the house (there was not an empty spot anywhere in the KC Live complex. You could barely move on the upper concourse where we were. Even cooler? At least 10-15 people were arriving during every song ... and nobody left early. This kid is epically good.)
Anyways, after about three straight hours of performing, comes the encore. He opened it by covering "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye. It was incredible. He then spent a couple minutes stalling as the stage was reset for the final performance, the moment I was drooling with anticipation over.
And let me say this. There are moments in life that you hype so much, moments you anticipate with such excitement and happiness, that it is impossible to live up to the hype and the hope. Like going on a first date with me, for instance. (rimshot!)
Then there are moments, that not only meet the hype and the hope, they knock it to second f*cking base. From the second he sat down at the piano to start the haunting intro to "I Don't Wanna Be", to the closing moment of him doing a backflip off said piano five minutes later, it was beyond sweet. It was second f*cking base. It's the single greatest concert moment of my life, somehow passing Linkin Park closing the night down seven years ago with "One Step Closer", and I never thought anything would top that on the "Get Lost In the Moment-o-Meter". Let's just say, it got a little dusty when he started playing.
Damn that was fun! Matt Nathanson and Eric Church, you guys got a very high bar to clear in the quest to win the coveted "Best Performance Stevo Sees This Summer" designation. And I'm really looking forward to watching you two try to top Gavin triumphantly channeling his inner Carl Edwards and flipping off a grand piano after three of the greatest hours of live music imaginable ...
But today's review? For Matt Nathanson's latest effort, "Modern Love".
Let's do this. Especially since he's coming to town September 4th (at Sandstone, with Train and Maroon 5. You can bet your sweet ass I'll be there. If I'm willing to drive to Lawrence and endure a night at the Bottleneck to see this guy, I certainly can find a way to sit outdoors on a late summer night with a frosty cold one and enjoy him.)
"Modern Love" by Matt Nathanson.
11 tracks, approximately 39 minutes.
Track 1: "Faster". His current single, and it's good. Great start to the cd*. Has kind of a "Answering Machine" vibe to it, only more up-tempo. Fun song to listen to when you're floating in the pool. Uum, not that I did that last weekend.
Best line(s): verse two:
"it's the way you swell, slow
pushing right out your seams.
it's the way you smile, baby
when you've got me on my knees.
your all night noise,
your siren howl,
you make my heart ... beat ... faster**"
Grade: A-. Tremendous start to this thing.
(*: if you download an entire "cd" on iTunes, is it actually a cd? I'm going with yes, because I have no freaking clue what else to call it, but I'm guessing there's some fancier term for a "cd" downloaded on iTunes.)
(**: love how the lyrics on his site are all in lower case. Attakid!)
Track 2: "Modern Love". If there's a word stronger than "phenomenal" to describe something, that definitely applies to this song. This is by far and away my favorite song on the "cd", and there's still at least two more A's coming up. I think this will be the massive smash hit off this "cd". Really, really catchy sound. And I'm fully aware "Faster" has already reached the Top 5 in the Billboard Hot 100 list.
Plus I kinda dig the whole point of the song -- "this modern love, it's not enough". The idea that maybe our folks really did f*ck society over with their free love ideas, and that our grandparents had it right -- find your soulmate and settle for being happy. (Note: I do not agree with that idea, I'm just saying I can see some merit to it. Although why you can't have both, that you can't start out playing the field, and when you find "the one", be happy with settling, I have no idea. It's the plan I'm on. Eventually it might pay off.)
Best line(s): "one big exhale never did me no good".
Grade: A+. I dare you to not loop this song back at least twice after you first hear it.
Track 3: "Love Comes Tumbling Down". I suppose a letdown was inevitable after the two tremendous opening tracks ... and yet, I wouldn't call this song a letdown. It's just there. I didn't love it, I didn't hate it, it is just there. One of those "I wouldn't fast forward it, but I also wouldn't rewind it" tracks. It's just there.
And you know what? I'm fine with that. A Matt Nathanson song that is just "there" is still better than 99.99% of what is a "hit" on the charts right now. Most modern pop music is absolute crap. And by "most", I mean anything not performed by Usher. This song doesn't fall into that category.
Best line(s): none. It's not a memorable song in any way, shape or form, either good or bad.
Grade: C. A perfectly mediocre effort.
Track 4: "Room at the End of the World". And after a perfectly mediocre, bland effort on the track before, BAM!, right back into the good times. Well, ok, "good times" might be a relative term, considering this song is about rebounding from a breakup, but man, this song kicks grass. Love the upbeat tempo, really catchy lyrics (especially the chorus). Really solid effort.
Best line(s): the first verse ...
"i was weaving with the drunks,
singing sinatra loud.
i let go of love
once it had finally figured me out.
i was buried like a treasure,
but no one ever came to mark the spot.
so i got good at pleasure,
and tying tighter knots."
and the chorus ...
"if the sun don't light,
and the night won't turn,
we'll get a room
at the end of the world.
and we'll rewrite
all the wrongs we've learned
safe in our room
at the end of the world."
Grade: A. Has definite potential to replace "Answering Machine" as the crowd-led anthem that comes out of nowhere at his concerts.
Track 5: "Kiss Quick". Well, I guess at some point there had to be a clunker, and for me, this one is it. It has a kinda catchy sound to it, but it's too damned slow for my tastes. Honestly? This one was very unpleasant to listen to. Definitely will be skip-over country going forward.
Best line(s): none. If I never hear this track again, I can die a happy man.
Grade: D. What can I say, I grade on a liberal curve.
Track 6: "Mercy". Which is what your ears are asking for after the previous track, and this song sorta, kinda delivers it. Liked it going up-tempo again. Really liked what he did with the sound on the verses, and I liked the first half of the chorus.
Having said that ... what the hell did he do with the second half of the chorus? It sounds worse than me in the shower. Not sure if he was trying to go throwback techno there, or is it still modern techno, since his voice sounds like the opening of Lady Gaga's "Poker Face". (Poker? I didn't even kiss her! Come on, I've been waiting all year to drop that line in a posting!)
I'm assuming based on the lyrics that it's an examination of our modern society's infatuation with fame. Specifically, making sure everyone's flames out at 14:59 on the 15 minute clock. And on that basis, it works. But Christ, is the second half of the chorus awful, absolutely awful.
Best line(s): second half of the first verse:
"'cause i'm in no shape
to do what's right.
i see up that's down
and black that's white."
Grade: B. Now watch everyone listen to this song and yell back "what the hell is this guy talking about? That second half of the chorus perfectly fit the song! I love this track!" I can see me ducking some rotten fruit already.
Track 7: "Kept". Well, as far as "sorry I cheated on you honey, please take me back, I'm admitting I screwed up here!" songs go, this isn't half bad. Although those kind of songs are best met with a strong "sorry, go f*ck yourself!" response that isn't present here. (Think either of the two Fleetwood Mac classics, "Go Your Own Way" or "Silver Springs", neither of which ever get old to listen to. Especially when Stevie grabs the mic in "Silver Springs", turns to face Lindsey, and is so enraged come 90 seconds later that it takes her an entire freaking chorus to calm down enough to end the song. Sweet stuff.)
I kinda liked the slower tempo on this track. Also like how it picks up steam and pace and sound as you build to the ending. Overall, it's a keeper. It'll never get released as a single, but that's ok. A few of my favorite songs never got airplay. Those are the ones really worth remembering, because not every person and his brother's neighbor's housekeeper's child's best friend's dad knows it.
Best line(s): the chorus:
"and i should have kept my head,
and i should have kept my arms inside,
i believe it now."
Grade: A-. Solid effort that will really be neat to listen to live if he goes acoustic with it, which I am willing to wager my entire life's savings of $.36 that he will on tour.
Track 8: "Run". His collaboration with Sugarland ... and it not only does not disappoint, if I didn't love the title track to this "cd" so much, this would be my favorite song on the "cd". This is absolutely fantastic. The first verse (Nathanson singing) sounds exactly like an OAR song. You can actually kind of hear "Shattered" in the sound. The second verse (Jennifer Nettles singing), boy I'm probably gonna really be ducking rotten tomatoes for saying this from rabid fans of who I'm going to compare her to ... but god damn if she doesn't sound like Reba McIntyre on her vocals. This song is fantastic. It is absolutely fantastic, and they're gonna have a smash country hit with this. As well they should.
Best line(s): the whole damned song? OK, ok, I'll narrow it down to the first verse, keeping in mind this is Nathanson singing it to Nettles ...
"i wanna watch you undress.
i wanna watch you glow.
let your hair down all around,
cover us both.
you come in a wave,
we crash and we roll,
you surround me, pull me,
drown me, swallow me whole."
And the second verse, Jennifer's rebuttal to Matt's advances:
"you pull me in close.
you buckle my knees.
i shake and i shiver
just to hear you breathe.
you trace my lines
stirring my soul
shoot sparks at the heart of the world
and i watch it explode."
Grade: B+. Here's my complaint about this song, and yeah, it's a really small one ... but the song should have ended after the second chorus. I think it would have been better that way. And since it's my review, that docks this track nearly a full letter grade. It definitely would have been an A had it ended where I wanted it to, and possibly an A+. Still, it's phenomenally good.
Track 9: "Queen of (K)nots". Just from the title alone, this has potential. And I like the sound, it kinda sounds like Fall Out Boy's "I Don't Care" to begin with (which is my favorite song by them, it's that or "Sugar We're Going Down").
This song grows on you, both as it goes along, and as you listen to it more than once. Which is good. This song isn't half bad. He might have a minor hit with this if he releases it.
Best line(s): the chorus:
"you send me sailing into the rocks,
my queen of (k)nots.
your heart's a jungle of bar fights,
lonely little queen of (k)nots,
you must be lost."
Grade: A. Solid effort.
Track 10: "Drop to Hold You". I love the intro to this song. The sound and vibe is really sweet. The background sound honestly sounds like something you'd heard during a key scene on "One Tree Hill". And yes, I realize that in the minds of most readers, that is not a good thing, but in this case, it is.
Lyrics are ok. He's done better though.
Best line(s): "i had a thief, he stole my money.
took my heart, took it so quick,
he left a hole as big as texas, oh oh oh oh oh."
Grade: B-. It's a decent effort, but I'd have put this closer to the front of the "cd". Especially given how it was building momentum with "Run" and "Queen of (K)nots" before this.
Track 11: "Bottom of the Sea". Has kind of a John Mayer vibe to it, and I like it. This is where he's at his best, just a stripped down love ballad that's both revealing and funny all at once. This song perfectly captures that feel.
Best line(s): "if the morning light ever calls you backwards,
if the surface ever begs you home,
don't be gone too long,
please don't leave me here alone."
Grade: A-. A rock solid finish to a rock solid "cd".
Overall: I gave 6 of the 11 tracks an "A", and it should have been seven -- I was probably too harsh on "Run". Overall, it's a better "cd" than "This Mad Hope" and "Still Waiting for Spring", but none of these songs are as great as "Answering Machine" or "More Than This" (off "Spring") or "Come On Get Higher" and "Heartbreak World" (off "Hope"). Still, it's well worth the $7.99 to download the mp3 album at iTunes or amazon.com. Do it -- you won't regret it.
Verdict: buy as soon as f*cking possible, the highest designation I can give something.
One last musical note ...
Last Friday night, I went to KC Live down at the Power and Light District to see Gavin DeGraw in concert. He does three songs I absolutely love: "Follow Through", "In Love With a Girl", and "the song" to me, "I Don't Wanna Be".
This was the most geeked I'd been for a concert since Korn, Snoop Dogg, and Linkin Park rolled into town for Projekt Revolution seven years ago this August. (Has it really been that long? Really? It seems like yesterday that concert went down, given that I can remember every damned thing about that day, despite heavy drinking and inhaling. Probably because (a) of the extremely obese chick in front of me in a sports bra and not much else, an image that would jolt anyone into sobriety, and (b) the dude behind me who tripped on 'shrooms and puked. Stay classy champ, stay classy.)
Anyways, I was highly anticipating this concert, specifically the moment that I knew would be the final performance of the night. For nearly three freaking hours, he rocked KC Live. He started about 9:30, and it was 12:20ish when he came out for the encore ... which just might be the best ten minutes of the last year of my life.
To begin with, he opened his set with "In Love With a Girl", which is probably his biggest hit to date. (Even if you think you haven't heard it, trust me -- you have. Two people there with us had no clue what this guy sang, and they'd both heard this song.) About midway through, he nailed "Chariot", then followed that up with, uuh, "Follow Through", which is an awesome song in and of itself. (And is on the playlist for Floatapalooza Uno of 2011 this weekend.)
After nearly three hours of rocking the house (there was not an empty spot anywhere in the KC Live complex. You could barely move on the upper concourse where we were. Even cooler? At least 10-15 people were arriving during every song ... and nobody left early. This kid is epically good.)
Anyways, after about three straight hours of performing, comes the encore. He opened it by covering "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye. It was incredible. He then spent a couple minutes stalling as the stage was reset for the final performance, the moment I was drooling with anticipation over.
And let me say this. There are moments in life that you hype so much, moments you anticipate with such excitement and happiness, that it is impossible to live up to the hype and the hope. Like going on a first date with me, for instance. (rimshot!)
Then there are moments, that not only meet the hype and the hope, they knock it to second f*cking base. From the second he sat down at the piano to start the haunting intro to "I Don't Wanna Be", to the closing moment of him doing a backflip off said piano five minutes later, it was beyond sweet. It was second f*cking base. It's the single greatest concert moment of my life, somehow passing Linkin Park closing the night down seven years ago with "One Step Closer", and I never thought anything would top that on the "Get Lost In the Moment-o-Meter". Let's just say, it got a little dusty when he started playing.
Damn that was fun! Matt Nathanson and Eric Church, you guys got a very high bar to clear in the quest to win the coveted "Best Performance Stevo Sees This Summer" designation. And I'm really looking forward to watching you two try to top Gavin triumphantly channeling his inner Carl Edwards and flipping off a grand piano after three of the greatest hours of live music imaginable ...
Monday, July 11, 2011
big brother likeability poll 2.0
I gotta admit, as far as season premieres go, Big Brother 13's rocked the house.
Now that we're underway, have met all the contestants, both new and recycled, and already have an eviction, here's Big Brother Likeability Poll Version 2.0!
14. Evel Dick (last week: NR). In the interest of full disclosure, I hate this man with a passion. He left the game not even six hours in. Which means he remains an annoying as crud loser, and all of America wins. Done and done.
13. Rachel (last week: NR). I need her fake boobs, fake hair, and real acne in my life like I need a bullet in the side of my head. Sadly, she's our first HoH, so she's likely sticking around for awhile. Then again, if the HoH competition is riding a banana, is anyone really surprised she won? This thing would screw a corpse if she thought it would "further her career". (Come on, Brendon's basically a corpse. The dude has about as much charisma, charm, and natural sex appeal as a corpse.) If she is in this for the long haul, here's hoping BB brings back Ragan to verbally b*tch slap her a few times again. Girl is so stupid she doesn't know when people are making fun of her, for crying out loud.
12. Shelly (last week: 4th of 8). Its obvious she's bringing nothing to the table this year. She's this season's Kathy -- a likeable gal who won't cheat on her husband, won't be giving us any late night shenanigans or drunken follies, and will finish 6th or 7th once her usefulness as the house's corporate tool has expired. It's a damned shame BB keeps giving us these wasted contestants every summer, instead of adding someone to the house who (a) would absolutely hook up with every hot girl, (b) is a funny, wise-cracking smart ass, (c) is so freaking hot your television screen melts when said contestant appears on it, and (d) is the king of sitting in the sun with a shirt off, getting his drink on. You're damned right all four things just listed describe me! It's why I'd be the perfect BB contestant. Although unlike Brendon, I don't see the need to sext my dong to every girl I hit on. That, and there's no way I'd screw Rachel. I prefer it not burn when I have to pee. Maybe that's why I'm still just a Hamster Watcher, instead of in the freaking wheel.
11. Porsche (last week: 7th of 8). The BB house is not big enough for two floozie VIP cocktail waitresses. Of the two, I might actually prefer Rachel. At least we know what she is. Porsche lying on night one saying she's a college student is just too damned funny. To haul out the old, tired, yet never-gets-old-to-me "Married With Children" joke that Bud dropped on Kelly back in the day: "you couldn't spell cat if I spotted you the a and the t". Porsche couldn't lie successfully even if you plied every other houseguest with enough weed and liquor to knock them into the middle of next month. I hope she goes on Thursday. She's annoying as hell already.
(Plus, again, your name is Porsche? Really? We're supposed to believe that a smoking hot chick named Porsche is your every day, run of the mill college student, struggling to afford Ramen Noodles and Keystone Light? Really? Anyone who falls for that, deserves the STD she'll give you when you're done having fun with her.)
10. Adam (last week: 8th of 8). I'll give him this: he's funny as hell. He doesn't have the one-line smart ass comebacks down pat like Dominic does, but he's funny as hell. I hope this guy sticks around awhile. He could wind up growing on me like Brendon last year (who, thank God, is still the King of Unintentional Comedy in the house, his one thing he does really well. Well that, and sext his "banana" to every chick stored in his cell phone, he's extremely good at that too.)
9. Daniele (last week: NR). Can she go home early too? Please? Pretty please?
8. Lawon (last week: 5th of 8). Buddy? Pal? Amigo? Comrade? Ascots went out of style in the 1970s, and other than when worn by Freddy on "Scooby Doo" and possibly the late, great Charles Nelson Reilly on "Match Game (insert year here)", they weren't in style to begin with. (My way of saying, you're damned right there's baby pics of me in a f*cking ascot! When it came to 1970s style, nobody killed it like my parents. With the wrench, in the lounge. You should see the pics of me at my first Christmas. Complete with the red velvet-cake looking shag carpeting and a checkerboard-pattern couch. Oh, and for some reason, I'm wearing an Eeyore outfit, complete with the floppy ears over my head. And to think people actually wonder why I'm as f*cked up as I am. Thanks 'rents! You guys were the best!)
7. Jordan (last week: NR). To her everlasting credit, she's still dumber than the mentally challenged horse on "Family Guy". Also to her everlasting credit, she's still hot as hell, she's still wildly entertaining, and she knows her place, admitting right out front that "when it comes to challenges, Jeff is gonna have to win them". She's not your season 11 champ for nothing folks. (If the houseguests are smart, and yes, I concede that any house made up of the likes of Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, Jordan, and Porsche is by its very definition "not smart", but if the houseguests are smart, she's the next to go. Chicks like this always last far longer than they should. (dramatic pause.) I mean, in the game, not the bedroom. (rimshot!) God this is tanking fast. But seriously, the longer Jordan sticks around, the tougher it will be to get rid of her, because (a) the producers always have some kind of twist come mid-season that rewards America's favorite player, (b) the producers always have some kind of twist come mid-season that screws America's most hated players, and (c) dumb ditzy chicks tend to win the jury's vote over the over-confident strategorist or annoying-as-f*ck loser said over-confident strategorist drug to the Final Three. Houseguests, it's in your best interests to get rid of America's Sweetheart sooner rather than later.)
6. Kalia (last week: 6th of 8). Can I identify the "token angry black chick who thinks the world is owed to her" or what? In the words of me and G's old doormat, "GO AWAY!"
5. Brendon (last week: NR). I actually like this guy. He just needs serious intervention. And as someone who has both been a witness to an intervention*, and the recipient of an intervention**, please, allow me to try.
Dude. Buddy. Pal. You're marrying Rachel. Yeah, that red-headed stepchild sitting next to you. The one every person hates, the one with the annoying laugh, the multiple fake body parts, the mental intelligence of Gus. That's who you're marrying. I'll wait a second to let you process what I just said. And yes, I just compared your brain power to a man who has a toilet in his back yard that his dogs drink out of. You're dumber than him if you go through with this.
Again: his dogs drink out of a f*cking toilet in his back yard ... and you're dumber than him if you go through with this. You can thank me later.
OK, now that the intervention is done, a few things I do like about Brendon. (a) He's a swim coach for a female collegiate swim team. Call me crazy, call me drunk, call me high, because all three can usually apply come 3pm on a Sunday afternoon ... but that's one helluva job to have. "Hang on, let me adjust that strap real quick ..." Dude can't be as stupid as he seems to be if he's coaching a team of attractive co-eds in the prime of their existance. (b) He's funny as hell. Just not in an intentional way. His attempt to teach how to play chess on the first night was hysterical. Also, nothing is topping the "Brendon floating on the pool, screaming RACHEL!!! with an echo chamber" moment from last summer. It might be the funniest moment in Big Brother history, other than Memphis introducing himself as a "mixologist". And finally, (c) the dude actually thought sexting his weiner to random chicks was an effective way to hook up with said chicks. If you're packing 9 inches, maybe. (I'd need to consult the resident Steve's Site Numero Dos gayologist over that. (consulting ...) Donnie says 9 inches is a turn-on, so we'll go with that. However, if your stimulating photo reveals you need to start on a 120 day cycle of Extenze, probably not a turn on. Brendon? Start the cycle. Oh, and remember the intervention. Dump Rachel, stat. I promise, after a few days on Valtrex, it won't burn anymore.)
(*: The Doc's intervention with the intended recipient went so well ... that he was as high as said recipient by the time it was over. Now THAT'S an intervention!!!)
(**: my intervention went much better. Didn't hit the casino for almost 3 weeks afterwards, and managed to have a hysterical drunk dial to 1-888-BETS-OFF as a result to boot. Jesus I need professional help.)
4. Keith (last week: 3rd of 8). A minister with grab-hands. Shocking. You never see that in the Church. Never. I mean, these Men of God, these Men of the Cloth, they are as pure, chaste, and celibate as the wind-driven snow. Oh, that's not what the leaders of the Church are like? Really? You mean they screw around with their secretaries, their fellow preachers, alter boys, and the Holy Water if it's in an attractive tea jug with flower patterns on it***? I see.
In all seriousness, kudos to Big Brother for casting a horny-as-hell youth minister. Nothing says "do as I say, not as I do" to the youth of today like putting a horndog pastor on their TV sets three times a week. Also, major props to Keith for his master plan. Nobody loves the TV version of "Charlie's Angels" more than me. Nobody's more fired up for the remake than me. The lesson? As always, if it's a sh*tty 1970s television series, you can bet your sweet ass I'm addicted to it.
(***: the most religious guy I know is my buddy Tim, and when he saw what the Holy Water at "The Voice of Reason"'s wedding was contained in, it was his idea to "take a drink". Yes, they stored the Holy Water in a freaking tea jug with 1970s floral prints on it, and even had written "Holy Water" in masking tape above the top of the container. And to think people wonder why I refuse to take any organized religion credibly. (steve shouting voice) IT'S A F*CKING TEA JUG WITH FLORAL PRINT! IT'S NOT HOLY!!!)
3. Jeff (last week: NR). Aah, everyone's favorite meathead. If I added up all the pennies in the change compartment of my car (and I just looked, there's 7 of them), it is guaranteed to be a higher total than Jeff's IQ. No, seriously, even if there's zero pennies in there, that 0 is at least equal to Jeff's IQ. Still, the guy can bring the one-liners, and he must be doing something right to be with Jordan.
(Meant to go off on this awhile ago, and for the life of me, can't remember what provoked this back then, but anyways: you gotta love girls that are perfectly content to just live with a guy. No ring, no commitment, but all the benefits. Jeff and Jordan are at three years now, and still no wedding ring, not even an engagement ring, in sight. Now THAT'S my kind of girl! Why f*ck with what's working so well? Hope these two stay happy together, ring or no ring.)
2. Dominic (last week: 2nd of 8). He is remaining in this spot solely and completely because the dude is a total smart ass. His one liners are his best feature. That ... and I'm not buying one word he's selling of his story. According to him, he's 25, single, a male model, lives with his mom, is in college, and is a virgin.
The first five, I can buy. He looks 25, most BB contestants are single, he is very good looking, so I can buy the model part, his mom wouldn't allow herself to look like a tool unless her kid really lived with her, and you don't lie about going to San Mateo Community College. The last one though, no way. Not a shot in hell. However, if he still has the V card, this could be a really entertaining summer, because when you've got gold-digging sluts like Rachel and Porsche on this show, well, they can find a way to take care of him.
(On second thought, what a way to secure a showmance and/or constant hook-up partner: play the V card! It's brilliant. Hot girl feels sorry for "lame guy" with "no game", and "teaches him the ropes". It's absolutely brilliant. Can't believe I haven't thought of that angle before, I've gotta remember that one for when I'm on Big Brother 16 in a few years. Genius. Absolutely genius.)
Oh, and kudos for naming his alliance “Regulators”. I am loving the Diary Room cessions as they begin or end each cession with the “Regulators!” chant that Nate Dogg dropped to open “Regulate”. And yes, I have yelled back “Mount Up!” every time they’ve said it.
1. Cassi (last week: 1st of 8). All that's missing is the convenient cleavage shot that you know BB is going to give us at some point. What's not to love about this girl? Her idea of a good time is sitting around with the guys knocking back a six pack. And she's drop dead gorgeous. Hot chick who enjoys pounding a case with the guys. There's only one way to sum that up:
(jesus) hey, while you're in there, can you pick me up a Cracked Magazine?
(peter griffin) Cracked? Jesus Christ! Unbelievable!
Now that we're underway, have met all the contestants, both new and recycled, and already have an eviction, here's Big Brother Likeability Poll Version 2.0!
14. Evel Dick (last week: NR). In the interest of full disclosure, I hate this man with a passion. He left the game not even six hours in. Which means he remains an annoying as crud loser, and all of America wins. Done and done.
13. Rachel (last week: NR). I need her fake boobs, fake hair, and real acne in my life like I need a bullet in the side of my head. Sadly, she's our first HoH, so she's likely sticking around for awhile. Then again, if the HoH competition is riding a banana, is anyone really surprised she won? This thing would screw a corpse if she thought it would "further her career". (Come on, Brendon's basically a corpse. The dude has about as much charisma, charm, and natural sex appeal as a corpse.) If she is in this for the long haul, here's hoping BB brings back Ragan to verbally b*tch slap her a few times again. Girl is so stupid she doesn't know when people are making fun of her, for crying out loud.
12. Shelly (last week: 4th of 8). Its obvious she's bringing nothing to the table this year. She's this season's Kathy -- a likeable gal who won't cheat on her husband, won't be giving us any late night shenanigans or drunken follies, and will finish 6th or 7th once her usefulness as the house's corporate tool has expired. It's a damned shame BB keeps giving us these wasted contestants every summer, instead of adding someone to the house who (a) would absolutely hook up with every hot girl, (b) is a funny, wise-cracking smart ass, (c) is so freaking hot your television screen melts when said contestant appears on it, and (d) is the king of sitting in the sun with a shirt off, getting his drink on. You're damned right all four things just listed describe me! It's why I'd be the perfect BB contestant. Although unlike Brendon, I don't see the need to sext my dong to every girl I hit on. That, and there's no way I'd screw Rachel. I prefer it not burn when I have to pee. Maybe that's why I'm still just a Hamster Watcher, instead of in the freaking wheel.
11. Porsche (last week: 7th of 8). The BB house is not big enough for two floozie VIP cocktail waitresses. Of the two, I might actually prefer Rachel. At least we know what she is. Porsche lying on night one saying she's a college student is just too damned funny. To haul out the old, tired, yet never-gets-old-to-me "Married With Children" joke that Bud dropped on Kelly back in the day: "you couldn't spell cat if I spotted you the a and the t". Porsche couldn't lie successfully even if you plied every other houseguest with enough weed and liquor to knock them into the middle of next month. I hope she goes on Thursday. She's annoying as hell already.
(Plus, again, your name is Porsche? Really? We're supposed to believe that a smoking hot chick named Porsche is your every day, run of the mill college student, struggling to afford Ramen Noodles and Keystone Light? Really? Anyone who falls for that, deserves the STD she'll give you when you're done having fun with her.)
10. Adam (last week: 8th of 8). I'll give him this: he's funny as hell. He doesn't have the one-line smart ass comebacks down pat like Dominic does, but he's funny as hell. I hope this guy sticks around awhile. He could wind up growing on me like Brendon last year (who, thank God, is still the King of Unintentional Comedy in the house, his one thing he does really well. Well that, and sext his "banana" to every chick stored in his cell phone, he's extremely good at that too.)
9. Daniele (last week: NR). Can she go home early too? Please? Pretty please?
8. Lawon (last week: 5th of 8). Buddy? Pal? Amigo? Comrade? Ascots went out of style in the 1970s, and other than when worn by Freddy on "Scooby Doo" and possibly the late, great Charles Nelson Reilly on "Match Game (insert year here)", they weren't in style to begin with. (My way of saying, you're damned right there's baby pics of me in a f*cking ascot! When it came to 1970s style, nobody killed it like my parents. With the wrench, in the lounge. You should see the pics of me at my first Christmas. Complete with the red velvet-cake looking shag carpeting and a checkerboard-pattern couch. Oh, and for some reason, I'm wearing an Eeyore outfit, complete with the floppy ears over my head. And to think people actually wonder why I'm as f*cked up as I am. Thanks 'rents! You guys were the best!)
7. Jordan (last week: NR). To her everlasting credit, she's still dumber than the mentally challenged horse on "Family Guy". Also to her everlasting credit, she's still hot as hell, she's still wildly entertaining, and she knows her place, admitting right out front that "when it comes to challenges, Jeff is gonna have to win them". She's not your season 11 champ for nothing folks. (If the houseguests are smart, and yes, I concede that any house made up of the likes of Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, Jordan, and Porsche is by its very definition "not smart", but if the houseguests are smart, she's the next to go. Chicks like this always last far longer than they should. (dramatic pause.) I mean, in the game, not the bedroom. (rimshot!) God this is tanking fast. But seriously, the longer Jordan sticks around, the tougher it will be to get rid of her, because (a) the producers always have some kind of twist come mid-season that rewards America's favorite player, (b) the producers always have some kind of twist come mid-season that screws America's most hated players, and (c) dumb ditzy chicks tend to win the jury's vote over the over-confident strategorist or annoying-as-f*ck loser said over-confident strategorist drug to the Final Three. Houseguests, it's in your best interests to get rid of America's Sweetheart sooner rather than later.)
6. Kalia (last week: 6th of 8). Can I identify the "token angry black chick who thinks the world is owed to her" or what? In the words of me and G's old doormat, "GO AWAY!"
5. Brendon (last week: NR). I actually like this guy. He just needs serious intervention. And as someone who has both been a witness to an intervention*, and the recipient of an intervention**, please, allow me to try.
Dude. Buddy. Pal. You're marrying Rachel. Yeah, that red-headed stepchild sitting next to you. The one every person hates, the one with the annoying laugh, the multiple fake body parts, the mental intelligence of Gus. That's who you're marrying. I'll wait a second to let you process what I just said. And yes, I just compared your brain power to a man who has a toilet in his back yard that his dogs drink out of. You're dumber than him if you go through with this.
Again: his dogs drink out of a f*cking toilet in his back yard ... and you're dumber than him if you go through with this. You can thank me later.
OK, now that the intervention is done, a few things I do like about Brendon. (a) He's a swim coach for a female collegiate swim team. Call me crazy, call me drunk, call me high, because all three can usually apply come 3pm on a Sunday afternoon ... but that's one helluva job to have. "Hang on, let me adjust that strap real quick ..." Dude can't be as stupid as he seems to be if he's coaching a team of attractive co-eds in the prime of their existance. (b) He's funny as hell. Just not in an intentional way. His attempt to teach how to play chess on the first night was hysterical. Also, nothing is topping the "Brendon floating on the pool, screaming RACHEL!!! with an echo chamber" moment from last summer. It might be the funniest moment in Big Brother history, other than Memphis introducing himself as a "mixologist". And finally, (c) the dude actually thought sexting his weiner to random chicks was an effective way to hook up with said chicks. If you're packing 9 inches, maybe. (I'd need to consult the resident Steve's Site Numero Dos gayologist over that. (consulting ...) Donnie says 9 inches is a turn-on, so we'll go with that. However, if your stimulating photo reveals you need to start on a 120 day cycle of Extenze, probably not a turn on. Brendon? Start the cycle. Oh, and remember the intervention. Dump Rachel, stat. I promise, after a few days on Valtrex, it won't burn anymore.)
(*: The Doc's intervention with the intended recipient went so well ... that he was as high as said recipient by the time it was over. Now THAT'S an intervention!!!)
(**: my intervention went much better. Didn't hit the casino for almost 3 weeks afterwards, and managed to have a hysterical drunk dial to 1-888-BETS-OFF as a result to boot. Jesus I need professional help.)
4. Keith (last week: 3rd of 8). A minister with grab-hands. Shocking. You never see that in the Church. Never. I mean, these Men of God, these Men of the Cloth, they are as pure, chaste, and celibate as the wind-driven snow. Oh, that's not what the leaders of the Church are like? Really? You mean they screw around with their secretaries, their fellow preachers, alter boys, and the Holy Water if it's in an attractive tea jug with flower patterns on it***? I see.
In all seriousness, kudos to Big Brother for casting a horny-as-hell youth minister. Nothing says "do as I say, not as I do" to the youth of today like putting a horndog pastor on their TV sets three times a week. Also, major props to Keith for his master plan. Nobody loves the TV version of "Charlie's Angels" more than me. Nobody's more fired up for the remake than me. The lesson? As always, if it's a sh*tty 1970s television series, you can bet your sweet ass I'm addicted to it.
(***: the most religious guy I know is my buddy Tim, and when he saw what the Holy Water at "The Voice of Reason"'s wedding was contained in, it was his idea to "take a drink". Yes, they stored the Holy Water in a freaking tea jug with 1970s floral prints on it, and even had written "Holy Water" in masking tape above the top of the container. And to think people wonder why I refuse to take any organized religion credibly. (steve shouting voice) IT'S A F*CKING TEA JUG WITH FLORAL PRINT! IT'S NOT HOLY!!!)
3. Jeff (last week: NR). Aah, everyone's favorite meathead. If I added up all the pennies in the change compartment of my car (and I just looked, there's 7 of them), it is guaranteed to be a higher total than Jeff's IQ. No, seriously, even if there's zero pennies in there, that 0 is at least equal to Jeff's IQ. Still, the guy can bring the one-liners, and he must be doing something right to be with Jordan.
(Meant to go off on this awhile ago, and for the life of me, can't remember what provoked this back then, but anyways: you gotta love girls that are perfectly content to just live with a guy. No ring, no commitment, but all the benefits. Jeff and Jordan are at three years now, and still no wedding ring, not even an engagement ring, in sight. Now THAT'S my kind of girl! Why f*ck with what's working so well? Hope these two stay happy together, ring or no ring.)
2. Dominic (last week: 2nd of 8). He is remaining in this spot solely and completely because the dude is a total smart ass. His one liners are his best feature. That ... and I'm not buying one word he's selling of his story. According to him, he's 25, single, a male model, lives with his mom, is in college, and is a virgin.
The first five, I can buy. He looks 25, most BB contestants are single, he is very good looking, so I can buy the model part, his mom wouldn't allow herself to look like a tool unless her kid really lived with her, and you don't lie about going to San Mateo Community College. The last one though, no way. Not a shot in hell. However, if he still has the V card, this could be a really entertaining summer, because when you've got gold-digging sluts like Rachel and Porsche on this show, well, they can find a way to take care of him.
(On second thought, what a way to secure a showmance and/or constant hook-up partner: play the V card! It's brilliant. Hot girl feels sorry for "lame guy" with "no game", and "teaches him the ropes". It's absolutely brilliant. Can't believe I haven't thought of that angle before, I've gotta remember that one for when I'm on Big Brother 16 in a few years. Genius. Absolutely genius.)
Oh, and kudos for naming his alliance “Regulators”. I am loving the Diary Room cessions as they begin or end each cession with the “Regulators!” chant that Nate Dogg dropped to open “Regulate”. And yes, I have yelled back “Mount Up!” every time they’ve said it.
1. Cassi (last week: 1st of 8). All that's missing is the convenient cleavage shot that you know BB is going to give us at some point. What's not to love about this girl? Her idea of a good time is sitting around with the guys knocking back a six pack. And she's drop dead gorgeous. Hot chick who enjoys pounding a case with the guys. There's only one way to sum that up:
(jesus) hey, while you're in there, can you pick me up a Cracked Magazine?
(peter griffin) Cracked? Jesus Christ! Unbelievable!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
my 25 favorite idol performances
Earlier today, I posted my favorite performance from "The Voice" this year.
Now ... my 25ish favorite performances from "The Mother Ship", also known as "American Idol".
The Honorable Mention: “Memory” by Jason Castro (season 8). This won’t be Jason’s last appearance on the countdown. This song has always gotten to me. At least the reflective side of me. Absolutely love this song. And this wasn’t a bad cover of it. Plus, he was so stoned in the mentor segment, that he didn’t realize “Cats” was a musical about, uuh, cats. (dusty voice) Attakid!
25. “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” by James Durbin (season 10). My favorite Carole King song. Totally dig this song. The only reason this isn’t rated about 15-16 slots higher, is because he stopped the acapella version after the first verse. But Sweet Jesus, what a first verse! Incredible.
24. “Foolish Heart” by Corey Clark (season 2). Don’t care that he was disqualified for beating his sister to a bloody pulp, don’t care that he claimed he screwed Pauler in a pathetic attempt to further his 2 seconds of fame. This is a phenomenal cover of this song.
23. “Here You Come Again” by Carly Smithson (season 7). By far and away the best performance on Dolly Parton Night, which was April 1, 2008. Why do I remember the exact date? Easy. DJ and I spent the entire episode replacing the locks and bolts on every door in the house, because we’d forcibly evicted “deadbeat ex-roommate” the previous night. Meanwhile, “The Crush”, then DJ’s girlfriend, was laughing her ass off at us being scared of what “deadbeat ex-roommate” might do, that we changed every lock, bolt, and window dressing in the house. In our defense … well, I don’t have one. I have seen the guy exactly one time since the night we kicked him to the curb homeless and in tears. And good God, is that a story to tell on this site at some point *.
(* that sighting occurred last Thursday. And yes, there is one HELLUVA story behind it.)
22. “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not” by Scotty McCreery (season 10). The one time all year it seemed like Scotty was having fun on stage. Plus, it’s a sweet song. Sweet meaning awesome. “Are you gonna kiss me or not? Are we gonna do this or what? I think you know I like you a lot, but you’re about to miss your shot. (and then state the obvious) So are you gonna kiss me or not?” And yes, I totally dig that the first verse is from the chick’s point of view. Sweet.
21. “Woman In Love” by Jordin Sparks (season 6). Bee Gees Night was a total catastrophe. This was it’s one redeeming performance. She actually sounded every bit as competent and incredible as Barbra Streisand’s original version. And that is NOT easy to do. Set politics aside … ok I don’t have to, since I agree with her on 91.2 percent of her views, but still, set ‘em aside if you have to – Streisand has one helluva voice.
20. “Hello” by David Cook (season 7). That this only ranks 20th on my favorites list, is an outrage in and of itself. Well that, and it’s a tribute to the remaining 19, that somehow they rate higher. Because this is damned near perfection at its finest.
(Should also probably note: the moment when he hits the chorus for the final time, and he breaks into a huge sh*t eating grin, with the “yeah, I effing NAILED this!” look in his eyes? Freaking awesome. Absolutely freaking awesome. Gets me every freaking time I watch the video. I absolutely love those moments in life when you take a huge chance with little or no shot of success … and hit, in the words of the great Reggie Jackson, “second f*cking base!”)
19. “Cry Baby” by Alison Iraheta (season 8). Phenomenal. Absolutely phenomenal. Barely bested by …
18. “Me and Bobby McGee” by Crystal Bowersox (season 9). Two incredible Janis Joplin covers. Scratch that – two perfect Janis Joplin covers.
(Even better? Crystal’s cover of “Piece of My Heart”. Chill inducingly sweet. Excuse me, suh-weet! Oh, and speaking of Crystal …)
17. “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Crystal Bowersox (season 9). (stevo screaming at the top of his lungs voice) HOW DID SHE NOT WIN SEASON 9?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
16. “Hemorrhage (In My Hands)” by Daughtry (season 5). Rock at its finest. I’d haul out the all caps “how did this guy not win Idol?!?!” voice … but I wanted Elliott Yamin to win season 5, also known as “the season I refuse to admit ever existed due to the Finale matchup”. Yeah, neither Taylor nor “b*tch whose name will never appear on this site” will be appearing on this countdown. Even if “b*tch”’s cover of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” was pretty damned spectacular.
15. “Hallelujah” by Jason Castro (season 7). This, “Hello” at number 20, and number 13 were performed back to back to back on top 12 night in season 7. Possibly the best 20 minutes of television I’ve ever watched that wasn’t a certain season 6 episode of “NYPD Blue”.
14. “A Song For You” by Elliott Yamin (season 5). Yup, I was a Yaminian. I still am. This guy is probably my second favorite Idol ever, behind only Blake (who has at least 2 performances coming up).
13. “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” by David Hernandez (season 7). If a booger is his nose is the most embarrassing moment of his life, that means he totally was cool with his stripping days. Yes, “Idol”’s most notorious gay stripper ever finishes 13th on this list. Why? Because it’s that damned good of a cover of this song. And I HATE this song. That’s how good this is.
12. “Somewhere Only We Know” by Blake Lewis (season 6). Anyone who says Blake wouldn’t have made the final without the beat boxing and/or theatrics, just listen to this. Awesome with a Capital A.
(OK, another Honorable Mention: Blaker covering “This Love” by Maroon 5. Incredible with a Capital I. And yes, we’re still at least 10 spots away from my favorite Blaker moment. Damned right I was a Blaker, uuh, Guy, in season 6. I’d still pay damned good money to watch him sing. Even if nobody else would.)
11. “Broken Wing” by Jordin Sparks (season 6). Season 6 is still my favorite season of Idol, and with damned good reason. There’s still at least two more performances from that season coming up, and neither of them are by the winner, Ms. Sparks.
10. “Innocent” by David Cook (season 7). It truly is an awful performance … but it’s my favorite song of all time, covered by KC’s finest. Suh-weet!
(Here’s the original version. Do yourself a favor and listen. This is THE song that I listen to on the walk into Arrowhead on Gameday. If you can’t get fired up listening to this song, there’s no hope for you.)
9. “She Believes in Me” by Scotty McCreery (season 10). Damn this song gets to me, and this was a really good cover of it.
8. “The World I Know” by David Cook (season 7). You have no conscience if you don’t get choked up watching this. Jesus, I’m tearing up typing this. I know how much I love my brother. I can’t imagine … I refuse to imagine ever going through what Mr. Cook was experiencing performing this, knowing his bro was days away from dying, and he was there in the audience. Love his reaction at the end. I’d have been crying too.
(Hang on, a couple replays for this one … and yes, it probably should be higher than 8 …)
7. “Heartless” by Kris Allen (season 8). Possibly Idol’s finest moment. Surely the most unexpected. To strip a Kanye song like he did? Took balls of steel. And man, was it awesome. My memory ain’t what it used to be, but “The Ex” watched Idol live that night, and when she was over the next night to rewatch it, she had this “you aren’t gonna believe!” look in her eyes when I asked her what moment I should most look forward to. As usual, she was right.
(And in the interest of full disclosure, I sent an email link to DJ after this, and DJ is anything but an “Idol” fan. His response? “F*cking awesome”. And yes, that was his exact response. “F*cking awesome”. Yes, yes it was.)
6. (tie) “I Who Have Nothing” by Haley Reinhart (season 10) and Jordin Sparks (season 6). You pick the better version, because I sure as hell can’t.
5. “This Ain’t a Love Song” by LaKisha Jones (season 6). In fairness to Ms. Jones, and in the interest of full disclosure, this might actually be the funnest moment I’ve ever had watching this show. Not funniest, but funnest, as in “damn this rocks!” The look in Bon Jovi’s eye as he says “I’m not a gambling man, but if I had to make a bet, she ain’t going home tonight”, made me sit straight up with a “this is gonna be epically awesome or awful” look of anticipation. It was that epically awesome. She earned that kiss from Simon, and then some, on arguably “Idol”’s best night ever (there’s still at least one more from this night to go on the countdown). Godd*mmit, does this song rock or what! “If the love that I’ve felt for you’s gone / If the river I’ve cried ain’t that long / Then I’m wrong, then I’m wrong / And this ain’t a love song!” So freaking sweet. And her finish, “baby!!!!” and the pause, epic. God I love this performance! This one’s getting a few replays.
(Even “The Voice of Reason”, who hated LaKisha as much as me, even he replied via email the next day “that was really good” for crying out loud. When “reason” says, when even Gregg is admitting something is “really good”, I mean, he is “The Voice of Reason”. And yes, her performance IS “really good”. It’s beyond that. Dammit I love this show. Even if she doesn’t actually have a “slim side”. I can forgive that if you’re this damned talented.)
4. “Alone” by Carrie Underwood (season 4). It is without question, without a doubt, THE best performance in “Idol” history. In terms of quality, in terms of “where the f*ck did SHE come from?!?!” value, NOTHING has approached this, and nothing ever will. It’s the gold standard, it’s the “Hearts and Souls” of this show. (“Hearts and Souls” being the best 90 minutes of television ever recorded and broadcast.) But there are three performances I liked more. But man, is this good. I mean Jesus, when she hits the chorus, holy moly, incredible. How do I get you alone? Exactly.
3. “Weekend in New England” by Jennifer Hudson (season 3). How did she get booted for this? She was amazing in this performance. And yes, I like a song by Barry Manilow. Especially this song.
Two to go. Number one is a surprise to no one who knows me. Number two … might shock a few folks … at least until you click on the link and listen to it …
2. “Don’t Cry Out Loud” by Diana DeGarmo (season 3). How she holds the note, and then takes it up an octave, entering the final chorus, I have no idea. Tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. And the note at the end? Suh-weet to the highest degree. Hang on, I gotta replay this one a couple times before moving on to numero uno.
(No, seriously, the last 50 some odd seconds of this performance? Epic. Absolutely epic. Even beyond epic when you realize she was drawing dead at this point – there was no way she was beating Fantasia. And she STILL delivered this! Epic. F*cking epic!!!)
(Plus, the look as she goes for that final note – awesome. Absolutely awesome. She knows she’s knocked it to second f*cking base … and now she’s aiming for the pitchers mound. Hell, she’s aiming for home plate! Even for those of us who only know Melissa Manchester as Joey and Blossom’s mom on, uuh, “Blossom”, holy crap, what a song! And what a performance!)
(And yes, I’m at seven replays and counting …)
Your winner? If it was anyone but Blaker, it'd be Diana DeGarmo, "Don't Cry Out Loud" was that phenomenal. Just ... phenomenal. But your winner? Come on. In the words of my dad, this is a "no brainer". In the words of me, "It's Blaker's Finest Hour!!!" And yes, it scares me too that I love Blake Lewis this friggin much ...
1. “You Give Love a Bad Name” by Blake Lewis (season 6). Idol’s finest moment. And I am definitely in the half of the viewers who totally dug what he did with this song. He sold his interpretation, and then some. God above, what a performance. I mean performance! Damned right "this is the one who is rolling the dice!" Idol's Finest Hour. Amazing.
Now ... my 25ish favorite performances from "The Mother Ship", also known as "American Idol".
The Honorable Mention: “Memory” by Jason Castro (season 8). This won’t be Jason’s last appearance on the countdown. This song has always gotten to me. At least the reflective side of me. Absolutely love this song. And this wasn’t a bad cover of it. Plus, he was so stoned in the mentor segment, that he didn’t realize “Cats” was a musical about, uuh, cats. (dusty voice) Attakid!
25. “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” by James Durbin (season 10). My favorite Carole King song. Totally dig this song. The only reason this isn’t rated about 15-16 slots higher, is because he stopped the acapella version after the first verse. But Sweet Jesus, what a first verse! Incredible.
24. “Foolish Heart” by Corey Clark (season 2). Don’t care that he was disqualified for beating his sister to a bloody pulp, don’t care that he claimed he screwed Pauler in a pathetic attempt to further his 2 seconds of fame. This is a phenomenal cover of this song.
23. “Here You Come Again” by Carly Smithson (season 7). By far and away the best performance on Dolly Parton Night, which was April 1, 2008. Why do I remember the exact date? Easy. DJ and I spent the entire episode replacing the locks and bolts on every door in the house, because we’d forcibly evicted “deadbeat ex-roommate” the previous night. Meanwhile, “The Crush”, then DJ’s girlfriend, was laughing her ass off at us being scared of what “deadbeat ex-roommate” might do, that we changed every lock, bolt, and window dressing in the house. In our defense … well, I don’t have one. I have seen the guy exactly one time since the night we kicked him to the curb homeless and in tears. And good God, is that a story to tell on this site at some point *.
(* that sighting occurred last Thursday. And yes, there is one HELLUVA story behind it.)
22. “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not” by Scotty McCreery (season 10). The one time all year it seemed like Scotty was having fun on stage. Plus, it’s a sweet song. Sweet meaning awesome. “Are you gonna kiss me or not? Are we gonna do this or what? I think you know I like you a lot, but you’re about to miss your shot. (and then state the obvious) So are you gonna kiss me or not?” And yes, I totally dig that the first verse is from the chick’s point of view. Sweet.
21. “Woman In Love” by Jordin Sparks (season 6). Bee Gees Night was a total catastrophe. This was it’s one redeeming performance. She actually sounded every bit as competent and incredible as Barbra Streisand’s original version. And that is NOT easy to do. Set politics aside … ok I don’t have to, since I agree with her on 91.2 percent of her views, but still, set ‘em aside if you have to – Streisand has one helluva voice.
20. “Hello” by David Cook (season 7). That this only ranks 20th on my favorites list, is an outrage in and of itself. Well that, and it’s a tribute to the remaining 19, that somehow they rate higher. Because this is damned near perfection at its finest.
(Should also probably note: the moment when he hits the chorus for the final time, and he breaks into a huge sh*t eating grin, with the “yeah, I effing NAILED this!” look in his eyes? Freaking awesome. Absolutely freaking awesome. Gets me every freaking time I watch the video. I absolutely love those moments in life when you take a huge chance with little or no shot of success … and hit, in the words of the great Reggie Jackson, “second f*cking base!”)
19. “Cry Baby” by Alison Iraheta (season 8). Phenomenal. Absolutely phenomenal. Barely bested by …
18. “Me and Bobby McGee” by Crystal Bowersox (season 9). Two incredible Janis Joplin covers. Scratch that – two perfect Janis Joplin covers.
(Even better? Crystal’s cover of “Piece of My Heart”. Chill inducingly sweet. Excuse me, suh-weet! Oh, and speaking of Crystal …)
17. “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Crystal Bowersox (season 9). (stevo screaming at the top of his lungs voice) HOW DID SHE NOT WIN SEASON 9?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
16. “Hemorrhage (In My Hands)” by Daughtry (season 5). Rock at its finest. I’d haul out the all caps “how did this guy not win Idol?!?!” voice … but I wanted Elliott Yamin to win season 5, also known as “the season I refuse to admit ever existed due to the Finale matchup”. Yeah, neither Taylor nor “b*tch whose name will never appear on this site” will be appearing on this countdown. Even if “b*tch”’s cover of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” was pretty damned spectacular.
15. “Hallelujah” by Jason Castro (season 7). This, “Hello” at number 20, and number 13 were performed back to back to back on top 12 night in season 7. Possibly the best 20 minutes of television I’ve ever watched that wasn’t a certain season 6 episode of “NYPD Blue”.
14. “A Song For You” by Elliott Yamin (season 5). Yup, I was a Yaminian. I still am. This guy is probably my second favorite Idol ever, behind only Blake (who has at least 2 performances coming up).
13. “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” by David Hernandez (season 7). If a booger is his nose is the most embarrassing moment of his life, that means he totally was cool with his stripping days. Yes, “Idol”’s most notorious gay stripper ever finishes 13th on this list. Why? Because it’s that damned good of a cover of this song. And I HATE this song. That’s how good this is.
12. “Somewhere Only We Know” by Blake Lewis (season 6). Anyone who says Blake wouldn’t have made the final without the beat boxing and/or theatrics, just listen to this. Awesome with a Capital A.
(OK, another Honorable Mention: Blaker covering “This Love” by Maroon 5. Incredible with a Capital I. And yes, we’re still at least 10 spots away from my favorite Blaker moment. Damned right I was a Blaker, uuh, Guy, in season 6. I’d still pay damned good money to watch him sing. Even if nobody else would.)
11. “Broken Wing” by Jordin Sparks (season 6). Season 6 is still my favorite season of Idol, and with damned good reason. There’s still at least two more performances from that season coming up, and neither of them are by the winner, Ms. Sparks.
10. “Innocent” by David Cook (season 7). It truly is an awful performance … but it’s my favorite song of all time, covered by KC’s finest. Suh-weet!
(Here’s the original version. Do yourself a favor and listen. This is THE song that I listen to on the walk into Arrowhead on Gameday. If you can’t get fired up listening to this song, there’s no hope for you.)
9. “She Believes in Me” by Scotty McCreery (season 10). Damn this song gets to me, and this was a really good cover of it.
8. “The World I Know” by David Cook (season 7). You have no conscience if you don’t get choked up watching this. Jesus, I’m tearing up typing this. I know how much I love my brother. I can’t imagine … I refuse to imagine ever going through what Mr. Cook was experiencing performing this, knowing his bro was days away from dying, and he was there in the audience. Love his reaction at the end. I’d have been crying too.
(Hang on, a couple replays for this one … and yes, it probably should be higher than 8 …)
7. “Heartless” by Kris Allen (season 8). Possibly Idol’s finest moment. Surely the most unexpected. To strip a Kanye song like he did? Took balls of steel. And man, was it awesome. My memory ain’t what it used to be, but “The Ex” watched Idol live that night, and when she was over the next night to rewatch it, she had this “you aren’t gonna believe!” look in her eyes when I asked her what moment I should most look forward to. As usual, she was right.
(And in the interest of full disclosure, I sent an email link to DJ after this, and DJ is anything but an “Idol” fan. His response? “F*cking awesome”. And yes, that was his exact response. “F*cking awesome”. Yes, yes it was.)
6. (tie) “I Who Have Nothing” by Haley Reinhart (season 10) and Jordin Sparks (season 6). You pick the better version, because I sure as hell can’t.
5. “This Ain’t a Love Song” by LaKisha Jones (season 6). In fairness to Ms. Jones, and in the interest of full disclosure, this might actually be the funnest moment I’ve ever had watching this show. Not funniest, but funnest, as in “damn this rocks!” The look in Bon Jovi’s eye as he says “I’m not a gambling man, but if I had to make a bet, she ain’t going home tonight”, made me sit straight up with a “this is gonna be epically awesome or awful” look of anticipation. It was that epically awesome. She earned that kiss from Simon, and then some, on arguably “Idol”’s best night ever (there’s still at least one more from this night to go on the countdown). Godd*mmit, does this song rock or what! “If the love that I’ve felt for you’s gone / If the river I’ve cried ain’t that long / Then I’m wrong, then I’m wrong / And this ain’t a love song!” So freaking sweet. And her finish, “baby!!!!” and the pause, epic. God I love this performance! This one’s getting a few replays.
(Even “The Voice of Reason”, who hated LaKisha as much as me, even he replied via email the next day “that was really good” for crying out loud. When “reason” says, when even Gregg is admitting something is “really good”, I mean, he is “The Voice of Reason”. And yes, her performance IS “really good”. It’s beyond that. Dammit I love this show. Even if she doesn’t actually have a “slim side”. I can forgive that if you’re this damned talented.)
4. “Alone” by Carrie Underwood (season 4). It is without question, without a doubt, THE best performance in “Idol” history. In terms of quality, in terms of “where the f*ck did SHE come from?!?!” value, NOTHING has approached this, and nothing ever will. It’s the gold standard, it’s the “Hearts and Souls” of this show. (“Hearts and Souls” being the best 90 minutes of television ever recorded and broadcast.) But there are three performances I liked more. But man, is this good. I mean Jesus, when she hits the chorus, holy moly, incredible. How do I get you alone? Exactly.
3. “Weekend in New England” by Jennifer Hudson (season 3). How did she get booted for this? She was amazing in this performance. And yes, I like a song by Barry Manilow. Especially this song.
Two to go. Number one is a surprise to no one who knows me. Number two … might shock a few folks … at least until you click on the link and listen to it …
2. “Don’t Cry Out Loud” by Diana DeGarmo (season 3). How she holds the note, and then takes it up an octave, entering the final chorus, I have no idea. Tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. And the note at the end? Suh-weet to the highest degree. Hang on, I gotta replay this one a couple times before moving on to numero uno.
(No, seriously, the last 50 some odd seconds of this performance? Epic. Absolutely epic. Even beyond epic when you realize she was drawing dead at this point – there was no way she was beating Fantasia. And she STILL delivered this! Epic. F*cking epic!!!)
(Plus, the look as she goes for that final note – awesome. Absolutely awesome. She knows she’s knocked it to second f*cking base … and now she’s aiming for the pitchers mound. Hell, she’s aiming for home plate! Even for those of us who only know Melissa Manchester as Joey and Blossom’s mom on, uuh, “Blossom”, holy crap, what a song! And what a performance!)
(And yes, I’m at seven replays and counting …)
Your winner? If it was anyone but Blaker, it'd be Diana DeGarmo, "Don't Cry Out Loud" was that phenomenal. Just ... phenomenal. But your winner? Come on. In the words of my dad, this is a "no brainer". In the words of me, "It's Blaker's Finest Hour!!!" And yes, it scares me too that I love Blake Lewis this friggin much ...
1. “You Give Love a Bad Name” by Blake Lewis (season 6). Idol’s finest moment. And I am definitely in the half of the viewers who totally dug what he did with this song. He sold his interpretation, and then some. God above, what a performance. I mean performance! Damned right "this is the one who is rolling the dice!" Idol's Finest Hour. Amazing.
javier rocks
I was ordered this weekend to watch Javier Colon's performance of "Time After Time" on "The Voice".
It's so epically awesome ... it deserves it's own link.
Do yourself a favor, and hit the play button on the Youtube! link, and enjoy. And try not to channel your inner Adam Levine, and have the same exact reaction at the 1:08 mark of the performance that he does -- pound the damned button already!!!
And, if you love your dad as much as I love mine, if you can listen to this song, this performance, and NOT cry? You're far more emotionally stable than me. Because after 57 replays, I'm still tearing up the second Adam starts fist pumping with Ceelo after hitting the button. Epic. F*cking epic. I love you dad. But you already knew that, just wanted to state it. Love ya man. You are my hero in every sense of the word hero. I f*cking love ya man. Effing love ya. (stevo's dad voice) that's three f bombs in a paragraph! That's my boy!!!
It's so epically awesome ... it deserves it's own link.
Do yourself a favor, and hit the play button on the Youtube! link, and enjoy. And try not to channel your inner Adam Levine, and have the same exact reaction at the 1:08 mark of the performance that he does -- pound the damned button already!!!
And, if you love your dad as much as I love mine, if you can listen to this song, this performance, and NOT cry? You're far more emotionally stable than me. Because after 57 replays, I'm still tearing up the second Adam starts fist pumping with Ceelo after hitting the button. Epic. F*cking epic. I love you dad. But you already knew that, just wanted to state it. Love ya man. You are my hero in every sense of the word hero. I f*cking love ya man. Effing love ya. (stevo's dad voice) that's three f bombs in a paragraph! That's my boy!!!
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