* “Stevo, please don’t take this the wrong way … but sometimes, people have to be told things they don’t want to hear. It’s called tough love.” -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
Uuh, I don’t like where this is headed, especially since the last time I tried this, I was called a "dipsh*t", an "assh*le", a "mother f*cker", and told that if I saw said person again, he'd "beat my ass into a coma" …
“So Stevo, while I commend you on your attempts to diversify what you post about, I mean, milking five printed pages on what’s on your iPod is creative genius amigo! But please, I’m begging you, as a friend, as a former roommate, as your appointed “Voice of Reason”, please … will you give us a godd*mned fake mailbag already! It’s been nearly a full year since you last hauled one out!” – still Gregg G, still Bonner Springs.
Can it be true? Has it really been a full calendar year since I last did one of these? The answer tragically is “yes”. The last mailbag I did was on April 1st and no, that is not an April Fools Day joke. As always, these are “real queries” from “real readers” of this site.
Did you have a query, “Gregg G”?
* “Yes, I do. If you’re going to go old-school, which I totally love by the way, then please, go all out! We need a classic “Tale of the Tape”, Nick Bakay style!” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
You know what? As usual, “The Voice of Reason” is right. So in honor of what figures to be KU’s final trip to Allen Field House East … excuse me, The Plaige … excuse me, the … uuh, what the hell do you people call that place nowadays? It changes names so often that I can’t keep up. Mizzou Arena? Thanks. Since this figures to be KU’s final trip to Mizzou Arena, let’s do the first of (hopefully) four final meetings as conference rivals right, breaking down who’s got the advantage headed into Saturday using the tried and true “Tale of the Tape”!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old dude who possibly has broadcast a game while lit like a Christmas tree:
KU – Max Falkenstein.
MU – Gary Link.
Advantage: push. Anytime drunken old people are given an uncensored microphone, good things happen. See Globes, Golden; Awards, SAG. (Seriously, how EPIC was Tina Fey and Melissa McCarthy chugging shots for each mention of Marty Scorsese’s name? And how awesome was it that some later presenter just randomly said “Scorsese” to lead a round of shots with the audience? The lesson? As always, you can never go wrong with monkeys and midgets. No, wait, it’s that you can never go wrong with giving an intoxicated person an uncensored mic.)
Person who current gymnasium was originally named after:
KU – Phog Allen, a Naismith Hall of Fame player and coach who won two national championships and took Dr. Naismith’s original ideas for the game and improved them. (Such as using buckets with no bottom, to allow easier retrieval of the ball).
MU – Paige Laurie, who admitted to academic fraud while an undergrad at USC.
Advantage: KU. Paige, sorry honey, I have to do it. (stevo at arrowhead after a penalty on the opposition voice) Cheater! Cheater! Dirty f*cking cheater!!!
Most Significant Off Court Achievement by a former player:
KU – Wilt Chamberlain having in excess of 20,000 sexual partners in his lifetime.
MU – Ricky Clemons offending half the state of Missouri and the entire alumni base by calling white people “crackers”, and crashing an ATV on the chancellor’s grounds while under the influence of alcohol and possibly a controlled substance. Mr. Clemons was on probation for numerous other legal issues at the time of his drunken ATV ride.
Advantage: Mizzou. I mean, 20,000 women is one helluva respectable achievement … but come on, drunken stoned ATV ride! Who doesn’t want to be in Ricky Clemons position at that point! Especially since after about partner 13,286, I’d be exhausted. And broke from constantly having to replentish the stash of KY and Lifestyles.
Annoying Animal that Student Body Dresses Up As to Taunt Opposition:
KU – a penguin.
MU – any animal with antlers.
Advantage: Mizzou. The penguin isn’t that intimidating. And probably isn’t wanted in two states and five counties for a variety of local and state offenses.
Big XII Championships:
KU – 11, including seven straight.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas.
Final Four Appearances:
KU – 13, including three in the last ten years.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas. But look on the bright side, Tigers fans – if BYU continues its midseason fade, you can close to within one for the all time record for most seasons in the tournament without reaching the Final Four this year!!! (MU currently trails BYU 26-24.)
Former Coach Who Can Be Legitimately Accused of Coaching Under the Influence:
KU – Ted Owens.
MU – Quin Snyder.
Advantage: Mizzou. Coke trumps grain alcohol. Provided a half-naked secretary performing, uuh, “party favors” while snorting is involved.
Endearing to the Fanbase Chant that Pisses Off Every Other School.
KU – Rock Chalk Jayhawk, KU!
MU – MIZ! ZOU!
Advantage: MU. When coupled with “SEC! SEC!”, the Tigers fans are truly unbearable after a Mizzou win.
Worthless African American Twins to Suit Up for Each Squad:
KU – the Morii, Markieff and Marcus.
MU – the Haley’s, Sally and something.
Advantage: push. We are ALL losers here for having watched them play.
Finally … Best Postgame Interview By a Former Head Coach Regarding the Reality of the Situation:
KU – Roy Williams, after losing to Syracuse in the National Championship game, telling Bonnie Bernstein of CBS Sports that “I don’t give a shit” regarding rumors of his leaving to take the North Carolina job (which he would do).
MU – Norm Stewart, after losing to KU in Lawrence in 1998, as the fans chanted “NIT! NIT!” at Mizzou as they left the court. Coach’s response when asked what he thought of the taunt / insult? “Christ, we aren’t good enough for the NIT”. Mizzou would not participate in any postseason tournament that season.
Advantage: MU. There’s comedy, there’s hysterical comedy, and then there’s a Norm Stewart press conference. Plus “Christ” is the stronger expletive, depending on your view of religion. I really miss Norm. I hope he’s still getting a lot of use out of that rocking chair KU graciously gave him upon his retirement.
So there you have it. When you break down the intangibles … MU wins 5-3, with 2 pushes. And that’s pretty much what I expect to occur on Saturday. I’ll take the Tigers 81-72 in a game that plays out exactly like KU’s game in Ames did: tied at the under four, and MU hits every damned free throw down the stretch to pull away.
* “Come on, where’s the PSA? Where’s the PSA for Mizzou fan?” – Heath C, Harrisonville.
True. Mizzou fan, WHEN you win on Saturday, and you will, ACT like you’re the favorite (which you are). ACT like you’re the more talented team (which you are). ACT like you’re the higher ranked team (which you are) with fewer losses (which you are), and the home court advantage (which you have). If Tiger fan storms the court Saturday night, the Big XII had better fine the shit out of the Mizzou athletic department for endangerment to lives.
On second thought, given what Chuck Nienas said this week regarding Mizzou, uuh, storm away! I guarantee you Mr. Nienas is anxiously awaiting a record setting fine to be handed down on Monday against the Mizzou student body and athletic department for conduct unbecoming of a top five program (which Mizzou is).
* “Congratulations on your spectacularly sage prognostication of predicting the denver broncos would make the playoffs! Thanks Steve!” – Kellie J, KCK.
Godd*mned blocked field goal from 48 yards – twice! – against oakland …
* “You think you’ve had a rough year? My wife flies her broncos flag proudly every game day Sunday. The next time you think you’re having a bad gameday? Remember me. And cry.” – Dusty J, KCK.
Cry? Hell, the last time I pulled into your driveway and saw that piece of should-be-toilet-paper flying from the flagstick, I nearly hit the gas and hit it at full ramming speed. The lesson? As always, when it comes to the denver broncos, I lose all sense of rationale and reason.
* “NO! You CANNOT abandon the President! Come on Stevo, you’re the one ally I have here in the reddest of the red states!!!” – Brett H, Harrisonville.
I’m not abandoning Obama. Hell, it’s still 50/50 I’ll vote for him. (As always, I will not officially endorse a candidate until after the Democratic Convention finishes during the first week in September … and this year, said coveted Stevo Official Endorsement might have to wade through a few debates before I figure out which less-than-attractive-candidate to swallow hard and vote for.)
I just thought his SOTU speech was disgraceful. Especially since the one unquestioned success (albeit a moderate one that needs some adjusting … and albeit, a success only in my eyes apparently) this administration has had, finally beginning to deal with health care costs, got one throw-away line. If you aren’t willing to run on your record, then why the hell are you running?
* “OK, ok, I’ve finally got it. I know what’s gonna rope you into a summer trip to the greatest city in America. Ready?” – Brooke B, Milwaukee.
Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. What reason is that, couz?
* “Guess who’s performing on July 4th at Summerfest!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.
Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. Who’s performing on our nation’s 235th birthday?
* “Neil! Diamond!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.
Sweet f*cking Jesus! Neil Diamond, on the 4th, in concert?!?! Hang on, I’m about to pass out at the possibility of FINALLY crossing “see Neil Diamond in concert” off the bucket list … and having him sing “The Jazz Singer” ON JULY FOURTH! LIVE! (stevo hitting the ground in utter shock). Giggity!
* “OK, you must have something to say regarding what the Chiefs should do at QB. Come on. We count on you to be our “overreact to everything Chiefs related” blogger! I mean … uuh … keep up the good work?” – Damien J, Midtown.
Here’s the big “if”, and yes, it’s a biggie, and I understand going into it that the odds of it happening are roughly the odds of me having sex tonight without having to drive down to Independence Avenue, rent a sleazy motel room for an hour … ok fine, five minutes … and pay the lady for the privilege of experiencing the greatness that is Stevo. Cue your (rimshot!) here.
Here’s what I’m looking at. The Vikings have already publically said they want to trade out of the three hole. IF you figure Luck goes at one, and IF come draft day, the Rams stay in the second slot and take Justin Blackmon from Oklahoma State … uum, well, here’s the question.
Would you trade this year’s number one (either 11 or 12 overall), next year’s number one (likely to be in the low 20s as things stand right now, in my opinion), and swap a few later round picks to make the math work, to move up to three at that moment and take Robert Griffin III?
Ooh, didn’t see that one coming, did ya? Look it, my preference is to swallow hard, deal with Cassel for another year, rely on a heavy ball-control offense, squeeze out a 10-6 division title, and then go all in next spring for Aaron Murray of Georgia or Matt Barkley of USC. But – BUT! – if come about 6:25pm CT on Day One, Griffin is still there, the Vikings are on the clock … do you make the call? Do you spend two first round picks (and probably a 2nd either this year or next) to get “your guy” if you think he’s “the guy”? Or do you swallow hard, cross your fingers, hope Jamaal Charles comes back healthy, and you can return to the ball control / conservative passing game that won you the division last year (and despite it all, was one missed field goal away from winning it again this year)?
I honestly don’t know. Chiefs fans, the comments section is yours to voice your opinion. Whatever said opinion might be.
* “Really? The only movie you saw in a theater all year was the “Footloose” remake? Lame.” – Vineet T, Queens.
To think it was only 14 short years ago that we were stopping in at the Grand every Friday from like mid January to April, to see “Titanic” again. Wait, did I just say that out loud?!?!
* “I wub you Unca Teve!” – Ayden K, Shawnee.
Awww. At least someone does. Did you have a question?
* “Yeah. Teve? Will you watch Wescue Hewoes with me?” – still Ayden K, still Shawnee.
(stevo bashing his head against the window sill …) Sure buddy. Why not.
* “It wasn’t that long ago I was bashing your head against that window sill!” – Drew K, Shawnee.
I know – I still have the scar by my left eye to prove it. Your query?
* “Oh, yeah. Uum … how sweet was BJ’s coming out party on Saturday? To drop not one, not two, but ELEVEN three pointers on the Lakers as the Bucks win in a rout! Awesome stuff!” – still Drew K, still Shawnee.
Hell yes it was. It figures – this was THE weekend I had circled to make a quick getaway to Milwaukee, see the cousin and her husband, and catch a game. I mean, I gotta see Kobe in person once before he retires. You should ALWAYS find a way to see the greatest of the great at least once. (Why the hell do you think I made trips to St. Louis for years to see Sosa, McGwire, Bonds, and the rest of the National Leaguers?) Go figure, work got in the way … but man, what I wouldn’t have given to have been there to witness it in person.
* “So wait, you’re willing to fly now?” – Kristin L, Atlanta.
Ever since your wedding, yes. Its amazing how easily your fear of heights and flying can disappear when you combine a couple shots of vodka with four Benadryls about five minutes before boarding, and then cue up your iTunes to play a steady stream of “NCIS” episodes you’ve seen 15,293 times already to finally knock you out.
* “You mentioned a bucket list already twice in this mailbag” – Brent S, somewhere in Johnson County.
Wait, you could read this before I posted it? My GOD! Psychic! Anyways, your point?
* “Uuh, yeah. Anyways, any goals or dreams for this year? Gotta have something to aim for, right?” – still Brent S, still somewhere in Johnson County.
Well, you’re aiming higher than me, and congratulations by the way, in case I haven’t said it before. Christ, what is it with girls named Ashley always winding up getting married every summer? My brother’s wife in 2005. Gregg’s wife in 2007. Another friend in 2009. Now you AND my friend Novacek this summer. I swear, if DJ had married someone named Ashley, I wouldn’t have known how to react. I might have gone screaming out of the bar or something.
Anyways, yes, I have five things I want to do this year. In no particular order …
1. (cue “the rock” voice) FINALLY, Stevo has come BACK … to Indianapolis!!! I haven’t been to the Brickyard since 2006, I haven’t been to the 500 since 2008. I need to go back. For at least one of them. Preferably the 500, it’s the better event and has the travel day built in. But after four years away, it’s time to get a roadie organized. Speaking of getting a roadie organized …
2. Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Don’t care where it falls on the schedule, I need to be there. The seashell I have on my desk at work from my last trip to Tampa needs a playmate.
3. I’m not completely naïve – I know this is likely the last summer of the “carefree life as I know it”. My brother and “The Voice of Reason” both are parents now. Brent gets married this summer. DJ and Kellie won’t wait forever to procreate. And it’s been five years since Transamerica shut us down and kicked us to the curb. So if 2012 is the last great summer of my youth … ok fine, early middle age, then dammit, I’m gonna enjoy the hell out of it. And part of that might entail …
4. I want to meet “My Kind of Crazy”. Maybe I already know them, maybe I don’t, but in the words of Jimmy Chitwood, “I figure it’s time I start playing ball”. No, wait, I mean, I’m 35 now. It’s probably time to get serious about finding someone to share this life with, as opposed to share a night with. And along those lines …
5. June 23rd, my folks will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. That’s insane. I can’t even imagine knowing someone for 40 years, let alone sharing a checking account with them. So needless to say, my brother and I have one HELLUVA bash to get to work on. (And in the words of the late, great Senator Kennedy, “you can bet your ass” my Uncle Bill will be involved in any and all planning and details. Because no party is complete without the “straight out of the bottle, or out of the tin cup” decision.)
That a good list?
* “A great one Stevo! But you forgot one – when is (insert ounce here) gonna be? I vote for the Sporting KC game again, I had a blast!” – Megan K, City Market.
Agreed on all counts. Sporting KC is home the first three Saturdays in August. One of those is HIGHLY LIKELY to be this year’s … let’s see, carry the one … carry the three … 455,001st ounce tailgate! Last year’s was a perfect day in my book – the day began with me seeing my nieces baptized … and ended by playing washers on a 106 degree day. It was so freaking hot the sandwich tray I ordered literally melted. Uum, can we have that again please? Although fine, if the temp wants to cap in the high 90s, I’m fine with that. See, I’m getting tolerant of other views in my “middle age”.
* “455,001? I quit.” – Steve’s liver, South KC.
Fair enough. I’ve abused you worse than anything one Orenthal James Simpson ever did to someone he “loved”.
* “Speaking of “monkeys and midgets”, you did see it, right? Oh sweet Jesus, please tell me you saw it!” – Jasson W, Shawnee.
Oh hell yes I saw it! A midget on this spring’s “Survivor”! How EPICALLY AWESOME is this! A freaking MIDGET! The ONLY way this gets better is if (a) there’s a monkey on whatever exotic island they’re filming on, and (b) said midget announces “good news makes the compass point north!” right before hooking up with the tribal skank.
* “Good news makes the compass point north? What the hell does that mean?” – Frank L, El Paso.
It’s a line from one of the most underrated movies of all time, “Mystery Alaska”. Let’s run through the checklist of this “Instant Classic”, shall we?
A pre-famous Russell Crowe that the ladies can drool over? Check.
A pre-West Wing, barely post-Private Parts Mary McCormick for the guys to drool over? Check.
Burt Reynolds in an awful toupee, mailing in the performance? Check.
An uncredited Mike Myers looking worse than his “54” Steve Rubell character? Check.
A 5 year old telling Beth Littleford on (live) TV that “my dog takes big shits”? Check.
The young hero of the local hockey squad being named Steve? CHECK!!!
Said young hero named Steve getting some personal time in a Zamboni with the hottest chick in town? CHECK!!!!!!!
Said young hero named Steve literally nutting as soon as said hottest chick in town goes to apply the condom? (sighing …) Check.
In all seriousness, this is one HELLUVA funny movie. And in one of those “life imitates art” moments, the NHL Winter Classic? The coolest NHL game all year? WAS STOLEN FROM THIS MOVIE! This is where the idea originated – the New York Rangers travel to Mystery, Alaska to play the best amateur team in the country on their “home ice”, literally an outdoor frozen pond. This movie gets a solid 11-5 on the Stevo / Theismann Rating Scale. You won’t regret spending 90 minutes with this one on Netflix.
* “Is there anything scarier than those predators Chris Hansen interviews on “To Catch a Predator”? I mean, I cringe in fear every time I see them on my TV screen! What person could POSSIBLY be worse than those perverts?” – “The Steve Pederson of Tailgating”, Shawnee.
Uh. Oh. We’re in shouting range.
* “Care to guess my final rattlesnake count? 56! 56 Stevo! Yeah, I’m one bad ass mother” – the man affectionately known as “Wyoming”, somewhere in Wyoming.
We’re in sight of the finish line.
* “That godd*mned Danica! Nothing but tits and ass! Tits! And! Ass!” – Gus B, Raytown.
We’re in sniffing range.
* “Hello any single ladies. I’m a 35 SWM interested in NSA relationship. 420 friendly if that’s how you roll. Your pic gets mine. Email back with subject heading of today’s date” – possibly this site’s author, possibly on Craiglist’s casual relationship link.
Come on … I had you for at least 2/1000ths of a second, right? Until next time, let's be careful out there. (Cue "Greatest Theme Song EVER" clip.) And remember – if you liked me, and you like this site, for the LOVE OF GOD, SUBSCRIBE! “The Crush” subscribed three f*cking years ago … and NOBODY HAS SINCE! What, am I that unlovable?!?! (stevo checking his responses to his “craigslist posting” …)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
a throwback (to 2008) friday ...
Its been four freaking years since I last posted one of these ... so in the words of the racist investment dude in the old Fidelity ads: “Why not”?
The top ten played songs on my iPod this week!
(Boy if this isn’t the ultimate “I have no damned interesting thing to write about, so let’s fling this against the wall and see if it sticks” post.)
Before we get started though, a quick word up front. Since I got one email this week (wait, people read this crap? (john davidson voice) That’s Incredible!!!) asking me “where is the “American Idol” recaps”, let me once again state that yes, I am completely addicted to “Idol” ... but I won’t watch a second of the show until they hit Top 24 night. I have no interest in watching a bunch of no-talent halfwits makes asses of themselves for fifteen seconds of fame in the audition rounds. So you won’t be seeing an “Idol” recap for at least a few weeks.
Here we go:
10. “Do I” by Luke Bryan. This song is really growing on me. And I think that’s a good thing. It’s got a sweet sound, its got a good tone, and man, the lyrics really hit home. Strongly recommend spending the $1.29 on iTunes for your own copy of it. (As always, this site strongly supports legal file sharing and downloading. Although this site also notes that it never has charged for content, and never will. Nor will it ever start posting “click here” pop-up ads designed to net me $0.02 per click in my bank account. I think I can live without the $0.24 that might generate over the course of a year.)
9. “I and Love and You” by the Avett Brothers. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you will never meet or read any person in your life with a more diverse musical taste than me. This one’s a couple years old, but it still sounds great on my 1,058,634th listen. Truth be told, this stripped down, “emo style” music is probably what I prefer most of all ... and this song is phenomenal.
8. “Tyler” by the Toadies. Don’t care that this song is fifteen years old, don’t care that it’s on arguably the most overrated cd of all time in hindsight (so, go figure, it’s one of my ten favorite cd’s ever – “Possum Kingdom”, “Tyler”, “When I’m Away”, and at least a couple other hits I’m forgetting). I absolutely dig this song. The ending never gets old – “I can’t believe I’m really here / And she’s lying in that bed / I can almost feel her touch / And her anxious breath”. Who says the grunge era never churned out a love song!
7. “Out of My Head” by Theory of a Deadman. Probably my second favorite song of the last four years. (My favorite, and the whole reason I did this post, still to appear later in the countdown). This song I literally cannot get out of my head, and I literally cannot stop rewinding whenever my shuffle lands on it.
2011 was a weird year for me, in that it was seven years after the worst year of my life. I blame this on my mom – bear with me here. My mom is big into studying the Jewish faith and culture right now. And apparently they teach this thing about how every seven years, your life cycles through. (I’d be lying if I said I totally grasped it, I tend to half-listen while on the phone with her at times, especially whenever religious themes get brought up.) Essentially, the idea is that what was horrendous seven years ago, you’re forgiven for seven years later, and given a fresh start and a more optimistic outlook. (No clue if the inverse is true. Given my luck, you probably do NOT want to be associated with me in 2018.)
Anyways, seven years ago, in the span of six weeks, I buried a good buddy of mine, I buried a guy that was like a second father, and I buried my last grandparent. (Good times! Not.) And that was arguably the HIGH point of the last six, seven months of that year. 2011? I only attended one funeral all year, and that was for someone who essentially died in 2010. Instead the opposite was true. Multiple weddings. Tons of fun road trips all summer long. A new job, a promotion, new responsibilities – where I worked seven years ago, I was in a position I hated, for a boss I despised. Now? I tolerate the job, and I cycled through not one, not two, but THREE bosses last year! Who says stability is overrated!
My typical long-winded point being, this song gets to me, just because I’m a reflective kind of guy. And when I look back at where I was seven years ago, versus where I’m at today? To quote the Vice President from his acceptance speech four years ago, “I’m a success. I’m one helluva surprising success!”
6. “Fake ID” by Big and Rich (with Gretchen Wilson). I saw exactly one movie in the theaters in 2011. Absolutely that movie was the “Footloose” remake, and one of my favorite scenes was in the country dive bar when Ren and Ariel and Dusty take over the floor as this song plays. (Probably because of Ren’s epic comeback to Willard when he notes “I can’t dance”. Said comeback? “It’s country line dancing! It’s a white guy’s wet dream!” That’s comedy.)
Plus ... (cover your eyes, mom and dad, if you’re reading ...) this kinda flashes me back to one of my brother’s most inspired ideas ever. I went to college in Texas, although I am from Kansas originally (now living on the Missouri side). And after about two or three weeks of constant “is this legit?!?!” questions of my Kansas ID after I turned 21 down there, I’d had enough, so I went and got a Texas state ID to ensure unlimited, unquestioned access to alcohol.
And it turned out to be the gift that kept giving ... because the corner of it wound up getting frayed, so my brother decided to co-op it for his college years (while underage), and managed to get a cropped photo of him on there where my photo used to be. Genius. Which I am definitely not the one in the family.
5. “Faded” by Soul Decision. (stevo ducking rotten tomatoes being hurled his way ...) Yes, its a crappy boy band from the early 2000s. Yes, its an epically awful song that having on your iPod is an indefensible crime. Having said that ... how can you top the chorus?
“I’m kind of faded but I feel alright /
Thinkin’ ‘bout making my move tonight /
I can’t pretend that you’re only my friend /
When you’re holding my body tight /
‘Cause I like the way you’re making him move /
And I like the way you’re making me wait /
And at the end of the night /
When I make up your mind /
You’ll be coming on home with me”
Now THAT’S what I call a love song!
(And admit it: if you clicked on the Youtube! link and listened? You kinda liked the song! "Think what we could do clothed!" NEVER fails to crack me up! To say nothing of the white guy rapping before you hit the final chorus. "Hi. Yo. I'm faded!" Jesus, how did the late, great "TRL" never retire this music video?!?!)
4. “Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop. A late 1970s classic that is criminitely underrated. I’ve always said this is DJ’s personal theme song. If the song fits, embrace it.
(And don't worry if you click the link and ask the obvious -- it's his only US hit as well.)
3. “The More I Drink” by Blake Shelton. Well hell, if the previous song is DJ’s personal anthem, then this one pretty much has to be mine, doesn’t it? Tell me the chorus to this song doesn’t describe me at a tailgate to the N at the end of my first name:
“Cause the more I drink?
The more I drink!
And I’m the world’s greatest lover
And a dancing machine!
I get loud! I get proud!
And it gets worse.
Well, if I have one?
I’ll have thirteen!
And there ain’t no in between.
Cause the more I drink?
Ooh, the more I drink!”
If he’d tossed in a throw-away line about “somehow losing my t-shirt”, in the bastardized words of Dan Fouts, “hey, that’s me!” At a tailgate. With the booze. (Oh hell yes, I just managed to get a “Clue” reference into this post! Greatest. Board. Game. Ever. And one HELLUVA criminitely underrated movie.)
2. “Toes” by Zac Brown Band. If 2011 was the best year of my life (and it’s in a very small list of potential nominees), then walking up and down the beach in Fort Lauderdale to and from my folks hotel in early November, in 80 degree weather, as this song played on said iPod, HAS to rank amongst the ten best moments of the year, if not of the decade. My God. I cannot believe I’m about to admit this ... but Dusty is a genius. The kid is a mother f*cking genius. And here’s why.
Schedule a week-long getaway every early fall or early spring to a warm, tropical climate? CHECK! CHECK!!! OH HELL TO THE MO FO YES CHECK!!!!!
(My way of saying ... Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Let’s hope the NFL schedules that one in early December, not mid September. Because I NEED my beach week!
But this week’s “winner”? The song with more plays than any other? Is a song that apparently was released thirteen months ago ... and I never knew it. And that song is ...
1. “My Kind of Crazy” by Brantley Gilbert.
In the last five years, only one song has ever hit me like this song did when I finally heard it earlier this week on XM 59, The Highway. (And go figure – I’ve had this song downloaded for FOUR MONTHS ... and haven’t listened to it once until this week.)
That song was “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. This one? I like even better than that one.
If you spend $1.29 on ANYTHING in the next week? This is well worth the investment.
"Yeah and she's my kind of crazy /
Little games she plays? Lord will never get old /
She's too cute to get on my last nerve /
The way she throws her little fits /
Pokin' out her lip and bitin' mine when we kiss /
There ain't a fight that she can't win /
That's my baby ... and she's my kind of crazy."
Here's top hoping 2012 is when Stevo finally finds "his kind of crazy" ... although sweet Jesus, how f*cked up has THAT chick got to be, to be MY kind of "crazy"? Damn I want to find out ...
The top ten played songs on my iPod this week!
(Boy if this isn’t the ultimate “I have no damned interesting thing to write about, so let’s fling this against the wall and see if it sticks” post.)
Before we get started though, a quick word up front. Since I got one email this week (wait, people read this crap? (john davidson voice) That’s Incredible!!!) asking me “where is the “American Idol” recaps”, let me once again state that yes, I am completely addicted to “Idol” ... but I won’t watch a second of the show until they hit Top 24 night. I have no interest in watching a bunch of no-talent halfwits makes asses of themselves for fifteen seconds of fame in the audition rounds. So you won’t be seeing an “Idol” recap for at least a few weeks.
Here we go:
10. “Do I” by Luke Bryan. This song is really growing on me. And I think that’s a good thing. It’s got a sweet sound, its got a good tone, and man, the lyrics really hit home. Strongly recommend spending the $1.29 on iTunes for your own copy of it. (As always, this site strongly supports legal file sharing and downloading. Although this site also notes that it never has charged for content, and never will. Nor will it ever start posting “click here” pop-up ads designed to net me $0.02 per click in my bank account. I think I can live without the $0.24 that might generate over the course of a year.)
9. “I and Love and You” by the Avett Brothers. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you will never meet or read any person in your life with a more diverse musical taste than me. This one’s a couple years old, but it still sounds great on my 1,058,634th listen. Truth be told, this stripped down, “emo style” music is probably what I prefer most of all ... and this song is phenomenal.
8. “Tyler” by the Toadies. Don’t care that this song is fifteen years old, don’t care that it’s on arguably the most overrated cd of all time in hindsight (so, go figure, it’s one of my ten favorite cd’s ever – “Possum Kingdom”, “Tyler”, “When I’m Away”, and at least a couple other hits I’m forgetting). I absolutely dig this song. The ending never gets old – “I can’t believe I’m really here / And she’s lying in that bed / I can almost feel her touch / And her anxious breath”. Who says the grunge era never churned out a love song!
7. “Out of My Head” by Theory of a Deadman. Probably my second favorite song of the last four years. (My favorite, and the whole reason I did this post, still to appear later in the countdown). This song I literally cannot get out of my head, and I literally cannot stop rewinding whenever my shuffle lands on it.
2011 was a weird year for me, in that it was seven years after the worst year of my life. I blame this on my mom – bear with me here. My mom is big into studying the Jewish faith and culture right now. And apparently they teach this thing about how every seven years, your life cycles through. (I’d be lying if I said I totally grasped it, I tend to half-listen while on the phone with her at times, especially whenever religious themes get brought up.) Essentially, the idea is that what was horrendous seven years ago, you’re forgiven for seven years later, and given a fresh start and a more optimistic outlook. (No clue if the inverse is true. Given my luck, you probably do NOT want to be associated with me in 2018.)
Anyways, seven years ago, in the span of six weeks, I buried a good buddy of mine, I buried a guy that was like a second father, and I buried my last grandparent. (Good times! Not.) And that was arguably the HIGH point of the last six, seven months of that year. 2011? I only attended one funeral all year, and that was for someone who essentially died in 2010. Instead the opposite was true. Multiple weddings. Tons of fun road trips all summer long. A new job, a promotion, new responsibilities – where I worked seven years ago, I was in a position I hated, for a boss I despised. Now? I tolerate the job, and I cycled through not one, not two, but THREE bosses last year! Who says stability is overrated!
My typical long-winded point being, this song gets to me, just because I’m a reflective kind of guy. And when I look back at where I was seven years ago, versus where I’m at today? To quote the Vice President from his acceptance speech four years ago, “I’m a success. I’m one helluva surprising success!”
6. “Fake ID” by Big and Rich (with Gretchen Wilson). I saw exactly one movie in the theaters in 2011. Absolutely that movie was the “Footloose” remake, and one of my favorite scenes was in the country dive bar when Ren and Ariel and Dusty take over the floor as this song plays. (Probably because of Ren’s epic comeback to Willard when he notes “I can’t dance”. Said comeback? “It’s country line dancing! It’s a white guy’s wet dream!” That’s comedy.)
Plus ... (cover your eyes, mom and dad, if you’re reading ...) this kinda flashes me back to one of my brother’s most inspired ideas ever. I went to college in Texas, although I am from Kansas originally (now living on the Missouri side). And after about two or three weeks of constant “is this legit?!?!” questions of my Kansas ID after I turned 21 down there, I’d had enough, so I went and got a Texas state ID to ensure unlimited, unquestioned access to alcohol.
And it turned out to be the gift that kept giving ... because the corner of it wound up getting frayed, so my brother decided to co-op it for his college years (while underage), and managed to get a cropped photo of him on there where my photo used to be. Genius. Which I am definitely not the one in the family.
5. “Faded” by Soul Decision. (stevo ducking rotten tomatoes being hurled his way ...) Yes, its a crappy boy band from the early 2000s. Yes, its an epically awful song that having on your iPod is an indefensible crime. Having said that ... how can you top the chorus?
“I’m kind of faded but I feel alright /
Thinkin’ ‘bout making my move tonight /
I can’t pretend that you’re only my friend /
When you’re holding my body tight /
‘Cause I like the way you’re making him move /
And I like the way you’re making me wait /
And at the end of the night /
When I make up your mind /
You’ll be coming on home with me”
Now THAT’S what I call a love song!
(And admit it: if you clicked on the Youtube! link and listened? You kinda liked the song! "Think what we could do clothed!" NEVER fails to crack me up! To say nothing of the white guy rapping before you hit the final chorus. "Hi. Yo. I'm faded!" Jesus, how did the late, great "TRL" never retire this music video?!?!)
4. “Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop. A late 1970s classic that is criminitely underrated. I’ve always said this is DJ’s personal theme song. If the song fits, embrace it.
(And don't worry if you click the link and ask the obvious -- it's his only US hit as well.)
3. “The More I Drink” by Blake Shelton. Well hell, if the previous song is DJ’s personal anthem, then this one pretty much has to be mine, doesn’t it? Tell me the chorus to this song doesn’t describe me at a tailgate to the N at the end of my first name:
“Cause the more I drink?
The more I drink!
And I’m the world’s greatest lover
And a dancing machine!
I get loud! I get proud!
And it gets worse.
Well, if I have one?
I’ll have thirteen!
And there ain’t no in between.
Cause the more I drink?
Ooh, the more I drink!”
If he’d tossed in a throw-away line about “somehow losing my t-shirt”, in the bastardized words of Dan Fouts, “hey, that’s me!” At a tailgate. With the booze. (Oh hell yes, I just managed to get a “Clue” reference into this post! Greatest. Board. Game. Ever. And one HELLUVA criminitely underrated movie.)
2. “Toes” by Zac Brown Band. If 2011 was the best year of my life (and it’s in a very small list of potential nominees), then walking up and down the beach in Fort Lauderdale to and from my folks hotel in early November, in 80 degree weather, as this song played on said iPod, HAS to rank amongst the ten best moments of the year, if not of the decade. My God. I cannot believe I’m about to admit this ... but Dusty is a genius. The kid is a mother f*cking genius. And here’s why.
Schedule a week-long getaway every early fall or early spring to a warm, tropical climate? CHECK! CHECK!!! OH HELL TO THE MO FO YES CHECK!!!!!
(My way of saying ... Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Let’s hope the NFL schedules that one in early December, not mid September. Because I NEED my beach week!
But this week’s “winner”? The song with more plays than any other? Is a song that apparently was released thirteen months ago ... and I never knew it. And that song is ...
1. “My Kind of Crazy” by Brantley Gilbert.
In the last five years, only one song has ever hit me like this song did when I finally heard it earlier this week on XM 59, The Highway. (And go figure – I’ve had this song downloaded for FOUR MONTHS ... and haven’t listened to it once until this week.)
That song was “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. This one? I like even better than that one.
If you spend $1.29 on ANYTHING in the next week? This is well worth the investment.
"Yeah and she's my kind of crazy /
Little games she plays? Lord will never get old /
She's too cute to get on my last nerve /
The way she throws her little fits /
Pokin' out her lip and bitin' mine when we kiss /
There ain't a fight that she can't win /
That's my baby ... and she's my kind of crazy."
Here's top hoping 2012 is when Stevo finally finds "his kind of crazy" ... although sweet Jesus, how f*cked up has THAT chick got to be, to be MY kind of "crazy"? Damn I want to find out ...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
sotu 2012: stevo reacts
“You can fool some of the people some of the time, and most of the people most of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time” – Abraham Lincoln.
------------------------------------
If President Obama was going to use a Lincoln reference in last night’s embarrassing, pathetic, vomit-inducing State of the Union speech, that’s the Lincoln reference he should have used.
I sat like a slack-jawed yokel for at least 55 of the approximately 70 minutes the President took up last night, amazed at his incredible ability to simply ignore reality and lie to the masses. Honestly, Bill Clinton had to be somewhere with the same slack-jawed yokel look on his face. “Really? They attempt to impeach me for lying less brazenly than this guy did?!?!” If I wasn’t a political junkie, I probably would have turned the channel. Instead, I dealt with the absolute horseshit on my television screen in true Stevo-style: I cracked open a Budweiser ... then threw the empty can across the room at the flat screen.
Sadly for the President, the can(s) failed to destroy my TV, so I won’t be contributing to this “economic recovery” tonight via a new electronics purchase. But I am putting my $.02 out there, via my thoughts on the most disgraceful Presidential address ever delivered to a joint session of Congress.
And that’s CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN BABY!!! (rimshot!!!)
Here then are a few random thoughts I have regarding what hopefully is the rock-bottom moment of the most wasted administration in history ...
* I watched MSNBC leading up to the speech, because (a) despite my feelings about this asshat currently occupying the Oval Office, I still believe in “the cause” (aka “I’m a liberal”), and (b) Chris Matthews is every bit as unhinged about this administration as I am. Again, you can fool some people, and most people, but not all people. Anyone with a functioning brain and a IQ level of over 35 saw this trainwreck of an administration coming four f*cking years ago. It’s why we backed Hillary, and voted McCain, no matter which side of the aisle you reside on politically. If you were a Democrat? McCain was an acceptable alternative, someone who wouldn’t embarrass himself or his nation, or make you think “sweet Jesus, I need to make sure my passport is current, its time to move to Mexico!!!” And if you were a Republican? The same applied to Hillary.
Last night? Was EXACTLY why we felt the way we did in 2008. Because the ONLY achievements this President has to tout? Are all related to foreign policy. Who runs his foreign policy? Hillary. (And Leon Panetta, a loyal Hillary supporter and Clinton administration staffer). What does it say that the ONLY thing you can justify your re-election on, is what your primary rival has done for you?
* Also, I watch MSNBC ... because the other hosts are ready to lynch Reverend Al. The hatred they all have for him is hysterical. Lawrence O’Donnell doesn’t even bother with the “Reverend” anymore, he just derisively calls him “Al”, or sarcastically calls him “Sharpy”. Ed Schultz looked ready to reach across two anchors and a desk and strangle Reverend Al. And poor Rachel Maddow. In the interest of full disclosure, I love Rachel Maddow. But not even she can referee this trainwreck of a broadcast.
(My way of saying: only seven months to the conventions!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!)
* There were a few highlights on the night, as embarrassing as the spectacle was, and the first one I know MSNBC caught. (I didn’t flip down to CNN, CSPAN, or Faux News ... excuse me, FOX News, even once. I did switch to ABC once the speech began, because they’re pretty much the last unbiased network left on our airwaves.) And the first highlight was when Rep. Giffords took her seat on near the front of the chamber. Both sides of the aisle stood and applauded as one ... and in a sincere display of class, dignity, and bi-partisanship, Majority Leader Cantor walked over and extended warm greetings to Rep. Giffords. There’s a time and a place to have your differences. This wasn’t one of them, and kudos to Rep. Cantor for his class.
* Not sure whose fake tan was worse, Vice President Biden or Speaker Boehner. They both clearly went for the spray-on.
* The second highlight: when the House Speaker at Arms introduced the President. I don’t care who the President is, and God knows I haven’t cared for anyone we’ve elected in this century ... that moment gives me chills, because for however long it takes for the President to meet-n-greet and reach the podium, and then the Speaker officially introduces said President to the assembled, it’s America at it’s finest – every elected and appointed officer of government in the House giving the President the respect he is deserved. That moment never fails to uplift me.
* Cheap intended campaign stunt that didn’t bother me: the President spending a few moments with Rep. Giffords. It looked genuine. And I believe that it was. Whatever I may think of this President, and I don’t think much of him, he is a decent person, and he deserves respect for that. (Funny, I used to type that EXACT SAME SENTENCE about the man who preceded him in the office.)
* I’d love to have known what Obama and Boehner and Biden were chuckling about as Obama delivered the printed copies of the speech to them. Sidetrack here for a second: how great would it have been if Biden was Clinton’s VP, with Gingrich up there to boot? You KNOW they’d be ogling every decent looking chick in the audience. “What’s her “reputable singles site” handle?” “Oh you got it! Sweet! IM it to me!” Yeah, I miss the Clinton years sometimes.
* OK let’s do this.
Right off the bat, he begins with a lie of epic proportions, that he “ended the Iraq war”. No sir, you did not. OK, technically you did ... but the “end” of the war was locked into place BEFORE YOU SOUGHT THE NOMINATION, let alone won the office.
And while I’m at it ... look it, you will find no bigger basher of W than me, but to not credit his predecessor in ANY way, shape or form last night, was DISGRACEFUL. Even President Clinton to this day credits his predecessor, George H. W. Bush, for getting the economic recovery underway with the 1990 budget, and Clinton never fails to credit his successor when the occasion calls for it. And NOBODY will ever accuse President Clinton of operating with “class” or “dignity” or “integrity”. Barry not pointing out that we achieved success in Iraq because W refused to allow us to fail, and doubled down with General Petraeus, is a disgrace that I wish SOMEONE besides me would call him on.
* “For the first time in two decades, osama bin ladin is not a threat to this country”. I don’t know what angered me more – that Republicans REFUSED as one to stand up and give this line the applause line of the night ... or that Obama thought so little of the achievement that the ONLY major reference of it was in the second paragraph of his speech? Either way, its tasteless.
* Obama fudging the job numbers. Correctly notes that we lost 4 million jobs in 2008, another 4 million in 2009. But hey, we created 3 million since then!
Uuh, Barry? That’s a NEGATIVE five million! Which, if you exchange “million” for “trillion”, is the EXACT amount of money you’ve run up in national debt to “accomplish” that! Christ, what an idiot.
* I get that my side (stupidly) strongly backs union labor ... but who in God’s name thinks resurrecting long-gone manufacturing jobs is going to solve our economic crisis? Well Obama does, for one, which is example 1,938,563,684 why he’s the most incompetent boob to ever hold the Oval Office. La de f*cking da, that Master Lock is “restoring manufacturing jobs”. Manufacturing is a DYING industry. ANY company that invests in it is as mentally retarded as Peter’s horse on “Family Guy”. That, or they’re searching desperately for a tax write-off via operating losses.
* One thing I will praise the President on: it is OUTRAGEOUS that companies that operate in America can shift jobs and profits overseas to “save” money. OUTRAGEOUS. Set aside the tax implications – its OUTRAGEOUS from a patriotic standpoint.
One thing I wish President Obama would do is NAME these piece of shit corporations, OUT THEM, SHAME THEM into doing the right thing by their country. I know Barry won’t do it, because any corporation is a potential donor after all. But he SHOULD.
If, you know, he gave a damn about the present or the future of the country.
* One thing I did like about the speech last night – the CONSTANT gambling references! “We bet on”, “we rolled the dice on”, “we doubled down on”. Yes. Like Meg Ryan said in “Sleepless in Seattle”, “YES! YES!! YES!!!!!”
* I actually strongly support Obama’s idea to link corporations to community colleges for job retraining. This is a very good idea. Too bad Barry will refuse to allow any non-union company to take advantage of it, or any conservatively run company.
* Hate, hate, HATE the “keep kids in school mandatorily until they’re 18” idea. Who does Barry think he is, Chairman Obama? Oh. Wait. (Well, it is a legitimate question.) No. This is an IDIOTIC idea. We live in America. If you want to piss your life away by dropping out of high school, you have the right to do so! Or, if like a good friend of mine, you decide high school is worthless, so you take the tests to graduate early and move on to college, GREAT! Age is just a number. Some 16 year olds are ready for what lies after high school, just like some 37 year olds act like some 35 years younger than them. What can I say, shit happens.
* Obama claiming to take on illegal immigration is almost as laughable as me taking on alcoholism. And I’ll leave it at that.
Well no, I won’t, because most everything he supported last night to address the problem I agree with, not the least of which is education for children of illegals ... but seriously Barry? You’re “dealing” with illegal immgration? How’s that “Fast and Furious” gun trade program working out?
* OK, I agree with investing in newer “green” energies, and I STRONGLY support ending ANY and ALL federal subsidies for oil and gas exploration ... but really Barack? You’re doubling down on Solyndra? That’s priceless.
* And wait – we can now explore / build / create “new green energies” on national land ... YET WE CAN’T DRILL IN ANWR?!?!?!?!?! My head hurts. ANWR is a sheet of ice that NOONE lives in, will NEVER live in, and that offers up to 140 million barrels of oil a day to be delivered. Yet we CAN’T drill there, but CAN create massive wind turbines in Yellowstone National Park?!?!?!?!?!?!
Then again, given that Obama just refused the Keystone Pipeline, which only would have sent billions of barrels of oil to the United States, created thousands of new jobs, all at NO COST to us? I’d expect nothing less from the biggest fraud to ever call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home.
* I’m fine with letting people refinance their homes. You get no sympathy for greedy bankers from me. I live in a part of town DEVASTATED by people simply trying to live the dream, only to see it implode on them when shitty loans and a crappy job market blew up in their face. You get NO sympathy for lending institutions from me.
* Obama claiming to reign in regulation is almost as hysterical as me claiming “50+!!!” partners on “reputable singles site”. Come on. Nobody’s buying it Barry. NOBODY.
* The tax hike Barry wants to prevent? Is the expiration of the repeal on the payroll tax. The payroll tax? FUNDS SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE!!! I swear to Christ, this man drives me bat shit crazy. How can you be SERIOUS about reforming entitlements when you DON’T WANT TO FUND THEM?!?!
I said this a year ago, and I stand behind it even more strongly today: Barack Obama has SINGLE HANDEDLY ensured the Democrats will not win the White House again until I am 55 ... and won’t hold a house of Congress after 2012 until at least 2020. He’s WORSE than Jimmy Carter (who screwed the Dems for 12 years, and if Clinton hadn’t been in the perfect place at the perfect time, would have for 28 years).
* This Buffett tax crap is just that – CRAP. Buffett (and Mitt Romney) make ALL their income off investments. Investments are taxed at 15% because ONLY RETIREES TEND TO LIVE OFF INVESTMENT INCOME!!! So to screw Warren Buffett or Mitt Romney, you want to screw MILLIONS of other Americans as a result?
Christ, does ANYONE in the Obama regime understand Basic Living 101? Look it, in the interest of full disclosure, I STRONGLY favor a national flat tax, in which ALL income is taxed at the same percentage, REGARDLESS of income. I think 15% is a fair percentage. If you earn 15,000, you pay 2,250. If you earn 60,000? You pay 7,500. If you earn a million? You pay 150,000. Its the way to go (along with a national VAT or sales tax). But until we reach that point, degrading people who PLAY BY THE RULES is PATHETIC. It is DISGRACEFUL. As was nearly 99% of Obama’s speech last night.
* “I’m a Democrat. But I believe what Republican Abraham Lincoln said. That government should only do for people what they cannot do better by themselves, and no more”. Yes, the President actually said that last night. Hang on, I’ll give you 90 some odd seconds to laugh your ass off at the utter ridiculousness of a socialist saying “government should stay out of your life”.
(cue “longest “jeopardy” theme song music theme ever ...)
Oh wait, it gets better! He “doubles down” on the previous sentence!
“The point is, we should all want a smaller, more effective government”. Really! Since when Mr. President? Since when?
* When earlier I noted he DIDN’T note his predecessor’s role in winning in Iraq, killing bin ladin, gaining international support opposing Iran, and inciting the wave of freedom currently engulfing the Middle East? I stand corrected! Barry DID mention them, by noting:
“One of my proudest possessions is the flag the SEAL team took with them on the mission to get bin ladin. On it are each of their names. Some may be Democrats. Some may be Republicans. But that doesn’t matter. Just like it didn’t matter the day I sat in the Situation Room, when I sat next to Bob Gates – a man who was George Bush’s defense secretary – and Hillary Clinton, a woman who ran against me for President”.
Well, how conciliatory and classy, Mr. President. They aren’t YOUR Defense and State Secretaries ... they’re “George Bush’s” and the “woman who ran against me”.
This isn’t my biggest bitch about Obama, but it’s close: God forbid you credit those who went before you! It’s ok to admit you aren’t the greatest bag of potato chips to ever be picked off the shelf, Barry. The American public (correctly) recognizes the AMAZING thing you authorized AND accomplished in killing osama bin ladin! Cue up any clip on Youtube!, especially the Phillies / Mets game that night, when (most of us) found out about the kill because 50,000 baseball fans start screaming “USA! USA! USA!” for ten straight minutes during a baseball game. We get it.
Having said that ... one thing I will eternally credit W for ... is that he NEVER blamed who came before him, and CONSTANTLY praised his predecessors when they earned it. He bit the bullet, and shared the credit. THAT’S what a leader is, sir. You? Are ANYTHING but that.
* “As long as we’re joined together in common purpose, as long as we maintain our common resolve, our journey moves forward, our future, is hopeful, and the State of our Union will only be strong. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America!”
At least he ended well.
Last night? Is why the Republicans are winning a potential 45 states and the District landslide in November. Because NO sane person bought a word that Barry said last night.
And more specifically, its about what he DIDN’T say. Namely ... if you pass through the Congress THE most landscape-changing piece of legislation of most Americans lifetimes, and you don’t give it more than a throw-away line halfway through the speech?
Then WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION?
Whatever you think of the Health Care Affordability Act ... it is THE most significant act to pass the Congress since the Civil Rights Act of 1965. And Obama simply gives it a throw away line.
(For what its worth, I agree with 85 some odd percent of the act. Its DEFINITELY a step in the RIGHT direction, capitalization of RIGHT (pun) intended.)
Which is why last night’s speech was so tasteless. Obama refused to take credit for his domestic successes. He stole credit for his foreign policy successes (of which he has MANY) from his predecessor, from his 2008 rival, and from the brave men and women who made his achievements possible.
And most damning of all, he’s rushing full speed ahead into the torpedo that Mitt Romney represents. I’m not a huge Romney fan – again, I back Gingrich.
But after three offical State of the Union addresses (and one unofficial) ... I find myself in the same exact spot I was four years ago at this time. And that spot is a two fold question:
1. Why would ANY sane person back this empty suit? And ...
2. Is there ANYONE in the Republican Party capable of beating this guy?
I have no answer for question 1. I FEAR I have no answer for question 2 ...
------------------------------------
If President Obama was going to use a Lincoln reference in last night’s embarrassing, pathetic, vomit-inducing State of the Union speech, that’s the Lincoln reference he should have used.
I sat like a slack-jawed yokel for at least 55 of the approximately 70 minutes the President took up last night, amazed at his incredible ability to simply ignore reality and lie to the masses. Honestly, Bill Clinton had to be somewhere with the same slack-jawed yokel look on his face. “Really? They attempt to impeach me for lying less brazenly than this guy did?!?!” If I wasn’t a political junkie, I probably would have turned the channel. Instead, I dealt with the absolute horseshit on my television screen in true Stevo-style: I cracked open a Budweiser ... then threw the empty can across the room at the flat screen.
Sadly for the President, the can(s) failed to destroy my TV, so I won’t be contributing to this “economic recovery” tonight via a new electronics purchase. But I am putting my $.02 out there, via my thoughts on the most disgraceful Presidential address ever delivered to a joint session of Congress.
And that’s CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN BABY!!! (rimshot!!!)
Here then are a few random thoughts I have regarding what hopefully is the rock-bottom moment of the most wasted administration in history ...
* I watched MSNBC leading up to the speech, because (a) despite my feelings about this asshat currently occupying the Oval Office, I still believe in “the cause” (aka “I’m a liberal”), and (b) Chris Matthews is every bit as unhinged about this administration as I am. Again, you can fool some people, and most people, but not all people. Anyone with a functioning brain and a IQ level of over 35 saw this trainwreck of an administration coming four f*cking years ago. It’s why we backed Hillary, and voted McCain, no matter which side of the aisle you reside on politically. If you were a Democrat? McCain was an acceptable alternative, someone who wouldn’t embarrass himself or his nation, or make you think “sweet Jesus, I need to make sure my passport is current, its time to move to Mexico!!!” And if you were a Republican? The same applied to Hillary.
Last night? Was EXACTLY why we felt the way we did in 2008. Because the ONLY achievements this President has to tout? Are all related to foreign policy. Who runs his foreign policy? Hillary. (And Leon Panetta, a loyal Hillary supporter and Clinton administration staffer). What does it say that the ONLY thing you can justify your re-election on, is what your primary rival has done for you?
* Also, I watch MSNBC ... because the other hosts are ready to lynch Reverend Al. The hatred they all have for him is hysterical. Lawrence O’Donnell doesn’t even bother with the “Reverend” anymore, he just derisively calls him “Al”, or sarcastically calls him “Sharpy”. Ed Schultz looked ready to reach across two anchors and a desk and strangle Reverend Al. And poor Rachel Maddow. In the interest of full disclosure, I love Rachel Maddow. But not even she can referee this trainwreck of a broadcast.
(My way of saying: only seven months to the conventions!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!)
* There were a few highlights on the night, as embarrassing as the spectacle was, and the first one I know MSNBC caught. (I didn’t flip down to CNN, CSPAN, or Faux News ... excuse me, FOX News, even once. I did switch to ABC once the speech began, because they’re pretty much the last unbiased network left on our airwaves.) And the first highlight was when Rep. Giffords took her seat on near the front of the chamber. Both sides of the aisle stood and applauded as one ... and in a sincere display of class, dignity, and bi-partisanship, Majority Leader Cantor walked over and extended warm greetings to Rep. Giffords. There’s a time and a place to have your differences. This wasn’t one of them, and kudos to Rep. Cantor for his class.
* Not sure whose fake tan was worse, Vice President Biden or Speaker Boehner. They both clearly went for the spray-on.
* The second highlight: when the House Speaker at Arms introduced the President. I don’t care who the President is, and God knows I haven’t cared for anyone we’ve elected in this century ... that moment gives me chills, because for however long it takes for the President to meet-n-greet and reach the podium, and then the Speaker officially introduces said President to the assembled, it’s America at it’s finest – every elected and appointed officer of government in the House giving the President the respect he is deserved. That moment never fails to uplift me.
* Cheap intended campaign stunt that didn’t bother me: the President spending a few moments with Rep. Giffords. It looked genuine. And I believe that it was. Whatever I may think of this President, and I don’t think much of him, he is a decent person, and he deserves respect for that. (Funny, I used to type that EXACT SAME SENTENCE about the man who preceded him in the office.)
* I’d love to have known what Obama and Boehner and Biden were chuckling about as Obama delivered the printed copies of the speech to them. Sidetrack here for a second: how great would it have been if Biden was Clinton’s VP, with Gingrich up there to boot? You KNOW they’d be ogling every decent looking chick in the audience. “What’s her “reputable singles site” handle?” “Oh you got it! Sweet! IM it to me!” Yeah, I miss the Clinton years sometimes.
* OK let’s do this.
Right off the bat, he begins with a lie of epic proportions, that he “ended the Iraq war”. No sir, you did not. OK, technically you did ... but the “end” of the war was locked into place BEFORE YOU SOUGHT THE NOMINATION, let alone won the office.
And while I’m at it ... look it, you will find no bigger basher of W than me, but to not credit his predecessor in ANY way, shape or form last night, was DISGRACEFUL. Even President Clinton to this day credits his predecessor, George H. W. Bush, for getting the economic recovery underway with the 1990 budget, and Clinton never fails to credit his successor when the occasion calls for it. And NOBODY will ever accuse President Clinton of operating with “class” or “dignity” or “integrity”. Barry not pointing out that we achieved success in Iraq because W refused to allow us to fail, and doubled down with General Petraeus, is a disgrace that I wish SOMEONE besides me would call him on.
* “For the first time in two decades, osama bin ladin is not a threat to this country”. I don’t know what angered me more – that Republicans REFUSED as one to stand up and give this line the applause line of the night ... or that Obama thought so little of the achievement that the ONLY major reference of it was in the second paragraph of his speech? Either way, its tasteless.
* Obama fudging the job numbers. Correctly notes that we lost 4 million jobs in 2008, another 4 million in 2009. But hey, we created 3 million since then!
Uuh, Barry? That’s a NEGATIVE five million! Which, if you exchange “million” for “trillion”, is the EXACT amount of money you’ve run up in national debt to “accomplish” that! Christ, what an idiot.
* I get that my side (stupidly) strongly backs union labor ... but who in God’s name thinks resurrecting long-gone manufacturing jobs is going to solve our economic crisis? Well Obama does, for one, which is example 1,938,563,684 why he’s the most incompetent boob to ever hold the Oval Office. La de f*cking da, that Master Lock is “restoring manufacturing jobs”. Manufacturing is a DYING industry. ANY company that invests in it is as mentally retarded as Peter’s horse on “Family Guy”. That, or they’re searching desperately for a tax write-off via operating losses.
* One thing I will praise the President on: it is OUTRAGEOUS that companies that operate in America can shift jobs and profits overseas to “save” money. OUTRAGEOUS. Set aside the tax implications – its OUTRAGEOUS from a patriotic standpoint.
One thing I wish President Obama would do is NAME these piece of shit corporations, OUT THEM, SHAME THEM into doing the right thing by their country. I know Barry won’t do it, because any corporation is a potential donor after all. But he SHOULD.
If, you know, he gave a damn about the present or the future of the country.
* One thing I did like about the speech last night – the CONSTANT gambling references! “We bet on”, “we rolled the dice on”, “we doubled down on”. Yes. Like Meg Ryan said in “Sleepless in Seattle”, “YES! YES!! YES!!!!!”
* I actually strongly support Obama’s idea to link corporations to community colleges for job retraining. This is a very good idea. Too bad Barry will refuse to allow any non-union company to take advantage of it, or any conservatively run company.
* Hate, hate, HATE the “keep kids in school mandatorily until they’re 18” idea. Who does Barry think he is, Chairman Obama? Oh. Wait. (Well, it is a legitimate question.) No. This is an IDIOTIC idea. We live in America. If you want to piss your life away by dropping out of high school, you have the right to do so! Or, if like a good friend of mine, you decide high school is worthless, so you take the tests to graduate early and move on to college, GREAT! Age is just a number. Some 16 year olds are ready for what lies after high school, just like some 37 year olds act like some 35 years younger than them. What can I say, shit happens.
* Obama claiming to take on illegal immigration is almost as laughable as me taking on alcoholism. And I’ll leave it at that.
Well no, I won’t, because most everything he supported last night to address the problem I agree with, not the least of which is education for children of illegals ... but seriously Barry? You’re “dealing” with illegal immgration? How’s that “Fast and Furious” gun trade program working out?
* OK, I agree with investing in newer “green” energies, and I STRONGLY support ending ANY and ALL federal subsidies for oil and gas exploration ... but really Barack? You’re doubling down on Solyndra? That’s priceless.
* And wait – we can now explore / build / create “new green energies” on national land ... YET WE CAN’T DRILL IN ANWR?!?!?!?!?! My head hurts. ANWR is a sheet of ice that NOONE lives in, will NEVER live in, and that offers up to 140 million barrels of oil a day to be delivered. Yet we CAN’T drill there, but CAN create massive wind turbines in Yellowstone National Park?!?!?!?!?!?!
Then again, given that Obama just refused the Keystone Pipeline, which only would have sent billions of barrels of oil to the United States, created thousands of new jobs, all at NO COST to us? I’d expect nothing less from the biggest fraud to ever call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home.
* I’m fine with letting people refinance their homes. You get no sympathy for greedy bankers from me. I live in a part of town DEVASTATED by people simply trying to live the dream, only to see it implode on them when shitty loans and a crappy job market blew up in their face. You get NO sympathy for lending institutions from me.
* Obama claiming to reign in regulation is almost as hysterical as me claiming “50+!!!” partners on “reputable singles site”. Come on. Nobody’s buying it Barry. NOBODY.
* The tax hike Barry wants to prevent? Is the expiration of the repeal on the payroll tax. The payroll tax? FUNDS SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE!!! I swear to Christ, this man drives me bat shit crazy. How can you be SERIOUS about reforming entitlements when you DON’T WANT TO FUND THEM?!?!
I said this a year ago, and I stand behind it even more strongly today: Barack Obama has SINGLE HANDEDLY ensured the Democrats will not win the White House again until I am 55 ... and won’t hold a house of Congress after 2012 until at least 2020. He’s WORSE than Jimmy Carter (who screwed the Dems for 12 years, and if Clinton hadn’t been in the perfect place at the perfect time, would have for 28 years).
* This Buffett tax crap is just that – CRAP. Buffett (and Mitt Romney) make ALL their income off investments. Investments are taxed at 15% because ONLY RETIREES TEND TO LIVE OFF INVESTMENT INCOME!!! So to screw Warren Buffett or Mitt Romney, you want to screw MILLIONS of other Americans as a result?
Christ, does ANYONE in the Obama regime understand Basic Living 101? Look it, in the interest of full disclosure, I STRONGLY favor a national flat tax, in which ALL income is taxed at the same percentage, REGARDLESS of income. I think 15% is a fair percentage. If you earn 15,000, you pay 2,250. If you earn 60,000? You pay 7,500. If you earn a million? You pay 150,000. Its the way to go (along with a national VAT or sales tax). But until we reach that point, degrading people who PLAY BY THE RULES is PATHETIC. It is DISGRACEFUL. As was nearly 99% of Obama’s speech last night.
* “I’m a Democrat. But I believe what Republican Abraham Lincoln said. That government should only do for people what they cannot do better by themselves, and no more”. Yes, the President actually said that last night. Hang on, I’ll give you 90 some odd seconds to laugh your ass off at the utter ridiculousness of a socialist saying “government should stay out of your life”.
(cue “longest “jeopardy” theme song music theme ever ...)
Oh wait, it gets better! He “doubles down” on the previous sentence!
“The point is, we should all want a smaller, more effective government”. Really! Since when Mr. President? Since when?
* When earlier I noted he DIDN’T note his predecessor’s role in winning in Iraq, killing bin ladin, gaining international support opposing Iran, and inciting the wave of freedom currently engulfing the Middle East? I stand corrected! Barry DID mention them, by noting:
“One of my proudest possessions is the flag the SEAL team took with them on the mission to get bin ladin. On it are each of their names. Some may be Democrats. Some may be Republicans. But that doesn’t matter. Just like it didn’t matter the day I sat in the Situation Room, when I sat next to Bob Gates – a man who was George Bush’s defense secretary – and Hillary Clinton, a woman who ran against me for President”.
Well, how conciliatory and classy, Mr. President. They aren’t YOUR Defense and State Secretaries ... they’re “George Bush’s” and the “woman who ran against me”.
This isn’t my biggest bitch about Obama, but it’s close: God forbid you credit those who went before you! It’s ok to admit you aren’t the greatest bag of potato chips to ever be picked off the shelf, Barry. The American public (correctly) recognizes the AMAZING thing you authorized AND accomplished in killing osama bin ladin! Cue up any clip on Youtube!, especially the Phillies / Mets game that night, when (most of us) found out about the kill because 50,000 baseball fans start screaming “USA! USA! USA!” for ten straight minutes during a baseball game. We get it.
Having said that ... one thing I will eternally credit W for ... is that he NEVER blamed who came before him, and CONSTANTLY praised his predecessors when they earned it. He bit the bullet, and shared the credit. THAT’S what a leader is, sir. You? Are ANYTHING but that.
* “As long as we’re joined together in common purpose, as long as we maintain our common resolve, our journey moves forward, our future, is hopeful, and the State of our Union will only be strong. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America!”
At least he ended well.
Last night? Is why the Republicans are winning a potential 45 states and the District landslide in November. Because NO sane person bought a word that Barry said last night.
And more specifically, its about what he DIDN’T say. Namely ... if you pass through the Congress THE most landscape-changing piece of legislation of most Americans lifetimes, and you don’t give it more than a throw-away line halfway through the speech?
Then WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION?
Whatever you think of the Health Care Affordability Act ... it is THE most significant act to pass the Congress since the Civil Rights Act of 1965. And Obama simply gives it a throw away line.
(For what its worth, I agree with 85 some odd percent of the act. Its DEFINITELY a step in the RIGHT direction, capitalization of RIGHT (pun) intended.)
Which is why last night’s speech was so tasteless. Obama refused to take credit for his domestic successes. He stole credit for his foreign policy successes (of which he has MANY) from his predecessor, from his 2008 rival, and from the brave men and women who made his achievements possible.
And most damning of all, he’s rushing full speed ahead into the torpedo that Mitt Romney represents. I’m not a huge Romney fan – again, I back Gingrich.
But after three offical State of the Union addresses (and one unofficial) ... I find myself in the same exact spot I was four years ago at this time. And that spot is a two fold question:
1. Why would ANY sane person back this empty suit? And ...
2. Is there ANYONE in the Republican Party capable of beating this guy?
I have no answer for question 1. I FEAR I have no answer for question 2 ...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
divisional round picks
Last Week SU: 3-1
Last Week ATS: 2-2
The Quick Divisional Round Picks:
* at 49ers (+4) 30, Saints 27. As someone who still somewhat longs for the glory days of the early to mid 1990s ... how awesome is it to see the 49ers hosting a divisional round game? It’s been awhile.
The last two home playoff games the 49ers have hosted ... are amongst the ten greatest games in NFL history. Nine years ago, the 49ers hosted the Giants in a wildcard game following the 2002 season ... and promptly fell behind 38-14 as the third quarter rapidly drew to a close.
Then ... magic happened, as the 49ers scored 25 unanswered points, survived a last second botched field goal, and emerged as a one point winner in one of the wackiest wildcard games every played.
But as wacky as that one was? Is how epic the previous one was, four years earlier, on my 22nd birthday. 49ers. Packers. To this day, if I am asked “Stevo, what’s the greatest NFL game you’ve ever watched”, that is instantly my answer. Don Starkey with the perfect call. “ Owens! Owens! He caught it! He caught it!” How else do you describe a play like that, other than stating the obvious?
I don’t expect as great a game this afternoon as either of those two were ... but I expect a really good contest that the home team finds a way to survive. Barely.
* at Packers (-7 ½) 41, Giants 20. I don’t get the love for the Giants in this one. For starters, this isn’t four years ago. The Packers don’t have a turnover machine under center, it’s not going to be 15 below zero at kickoff, and the Giants aren’t as good (and the Packers are more talented) than those 2007 squads were.
I expect a solid Packers victory Sunday afternoon. I don’t know why anyone else doesn’t.
* at Ravens 13, Texans (+7 ½) 10. The toughest game on the board to predict. It’s hard to believe, given how successful they have been, that this is John Harbaugh and Joe Flacco’s first postseason home game. It is not hard to believe, given how crappy they have been, that this is the Texans first ever postseason road game.
I’m really looking forward to watching these two defenses go at it. I’m not looking forward to watching these two offenses go at it. If this game was at Reliant, I’d probably pick Houston to win. Since it’s in Baltimore, I’ll take the Ravens on a late field goal ... although I’m not sold on it, and I’ll be rooting for Houston.
Finally ...
* tebows (+13 ½) 44, at Patriots 41. For five reasons:
1. I rewatched the Pats at denver game last night, thanks to a (really bad) stretch of blackjack at Ameristar, and them having the NFL Network on. Here’s what I took from that game: denver was competitive. Two huge plays swung that game – tebow’s fumble (that I thought was an incomplete pass), and the fumbled punt with :03 left in the half. It gave the Pats 11 free points. They won by 18, and denver was driving when tebow fumbled. In essense, if those two plays don’t occur? Overtime. (Which is what I project this game to end with.)
2. Its the Saturday Night prime time game! Wacky shit ALWAYS happens in this slot! At the risk of rehashing history, we’re entering year 11 of prime time playoff football, and every year, at least one game in the prime time slots (there’s three total) delivers a “wait, what?!?!” performance. Unless you think next week’s NFC Title Game is that game ... this is your nominee.
3. The Patriots haven’t won a playoff game since “Deadbeat Ex Roommate” was still in good standing with me and DJ. Let that one sink in – we were still three months away from forcibly evicting Ben the last time the Patriots won a playoff game. Senator Clinton was still the presumptive Democratic nominee the last time the Patriots won a playoff game. (OK, let’s pretend the entire 2008 primary never occurred. It’s been four years, and I am still in denial. And yes, I know I am long overdue with a “Stevo looks at the Republican field” post. We’re ten days away from (depending on who opposes him: hopefully) President Obama’s final State of the Union address. I’d probably better get on that “look at the potential opponents” post ...)
Point being, this ain’t your little brother’s Patriots team anymore. They’re beatable. Especially at home, where they’re 0 for their last 2 over the last two seasons.
4. If tebow can throw for 316 yards against (statistically) the BEST pass defense in the NFL last week, uum, how to put this delicately ... what do you think he can do against (statistically) the WORST pass defense in the NFL tonight?
Conversely ...
5. Why doesn’t this have the making of a shootout all over it? It’s not like denver’s defense is the second coming of Gunther’s mid-1990s Chiefs squads.
It all adds up in my brain. Two red hot quarterbacks. Wacky Saturday night slot. Two brilliant defensive head coaches with no idea how to stop the other team’s unconventional offense.
I’m betting on the tebows. Plus, admit it – deep down, even if you hate the tebows as much as I do ... you really, really, really want to see the tebows face Ray Lewis next week. Good versus evil in the purest form of each word. A word of advice timmy – if Ray offers you a ride in a limo to the game, pass on the offer. On second thought, you are a bronco. Accept that offer champ, accept away ...
Last Week ATS: 2-2
The Quick Divisional Round Picks:
* at 49ers (+4) 30, Saints 27. As someone who still somewhat longs for the glory days of the early to mid 1990s ... how awesome is it to see the 49ers hosting a divisional round game? It’s been awhile.
The last two home playoff games the 49ers have hosted ... are amongst the ten greatest games in NFL history. Nine years ago, the 49ers hosted the Giants in a wildcard game following the 2002 season ... and promptly fell behind 38-14 as the third quarter rapidly drew to a close.
Then ... magic happened, as the 49ers scored 25 unanswered points, survived a last second botched field goal, and emerged as a one point winner in one of the wackiest wildcard games every played.
But as wacky as that one was? Is how epic the previous one was, four years earlier, on my 22nd birthday. 49ers. Packers. To this day, if I am asked “Stevo, what’s the greatest NFL game you’ve ever watched”, that is instantly my answer. Don Starkey with the perfect call. “ Owens! Owens! He caught it! He caught it!” How else do you describe a play like that, other than stating the obvious?
I don’t expect as great a game this afternoon as either of those two were ... but I expect a really good contest that the home team finds a way to survive. Barely.
* at Packers (-7 ½) 41, Giants 20. I don’t get the love for the Giants in this one. For starters, this isn’t four years ago. The Packers don’t have a turnover machine under center, it’s not going to be 15 below zero at kickoff, and the Giants aren’t as good (and the Packers are more talented) than those 2007 squads were.
I expect a solid Packers victory Sunday afternoon. I don’t know why anyone else doesn’t.
* at Ravens 13, Texans (+7 ½) 10. The toughest game on the board to predict. It’s hard to believe, given how successful they have been, that this is John Harbaugh and Joe Flacco’s first postseason home game. It is not hard to believe, given how crappy they have been, that this is the Texans first ever postseason road game.
I’m really looking forward to watching these two defenses go at it. I’m not looking forward to watching these two offenses go at it. If this game was at Reliant, I’d probably pick Houston to win. Since it’s in Baltimore, I’ll take the Ravens on a late field goal ... although I’m not sold on it, and I’ll be rooting for Houston.
Finally ...
* tebows (+13 ½) 44, at Patriots 41. For five reasons:
1. I rewatched the Pats at denver game last night, thanks to a (really bad) stretch of blackjack at Ameristar, and them having the NFL Network on. Here’s what I took from that game: denver was competitive. Two huge plays swung that game – tebow’s fumble (that I thought was an incomplete pass), and the fumbled punt with :03 left in the half. It gave the Pats 11 free points. They won by 18, and denver was driving when tebow fumbled. In essense, if those two plays don’t occur? Overtime. (Which is what I project this game to end with.)
2. Its the Saturday Night prime time game! Wacky shit ALWAYS happens in this slot! At the risk of rehashing history, we’re entering year 11 of prime time playoff football, and every year, at least one game in the prime time slots (there’s three total) delivers a “wait, what?!?!” performance. Unless you think next week’s NFC Title Game is that game ... this is your nominee.
3. The Patriots haven’t won a playoff game since “Deadbeat Ex Roommate” was still in good standing with me and DJ. Let that one sink in – we were still three months away from forcibly evicting Ben the last time the Patriots won a playoff game. Senator Clinton was still the presumptive Democratic nominee the last time the Patriots won a playoff game. (OK, let’s pretend the entire 2008 primary never occurred. It’s been four years, and I am still in denial. And yes, I know I am long overdue with a “Stevo looks at the Republican field” post. We’re ten days away from (depending on who opposes him: hopefully) President Obama’s final State of the Union address. I’d probably better get on that “look at the potential opponents” post ...)
Point being, this ain’t your little brother’s Patriots team anymore. They’re beatable. Especially at home, where they’re 0 for their last 2 over the last two seasons.
4. If tebow can throw for 316 yards against (statistically) the BEST pass defense in the NFL last week, uum, how to put this delicately ... what do you think he can do against (statistically) the WORST pass defense in the NFL tonight?
Conversely ...
5. Why doesn’t this have the making of a shootout all over it? It’s not like denver’s defense is the second coming of Gunther’s mid-1990s Chiefs squads.
It all adds up in my brain. Two red hot quarterbacks. Wacky Saturday night slot. Two brilliant defensive head coaches with no idea how to stop the other team’s unconventional offense.
I’m betting on the tebows. Plus, admit it – deep down, even if you hate the tebows as much as I do ... you really, really, really want to see the tebows face Ray Lewis next week. Good versus evil in the purest form of each word. A word of advice timmy – if Ray offers you a ride in a limo to the game, pass on the offer. On second thought, you are a bronco. Accept that offer champ, accept away ...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
2011 chiefs in (p)review part cinco: the offseason moves
In case you missed the earlier posts:
Part One: The Highs and Lows of 2011
Part Two: The Grades for 2011
Part Three: The Dream 2012 Schedule
Part Four: The (New) Coaching Staff?
And now, the final installment (for now) of the 2011 Chiefs Season in (P)review! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should probably note up front, a few of my ideal moves, ain't gonna happen. (Much like Bill Callahan as offensive coordinator -- that went out the window earlier today when the Cowboys hired him as offensive line / assistant head coach.) But read through the ten pages, my ideas make (some) sense, and would result in a much stronger team entering 2012 than we closed (or entered) 2011 with ...
-----------------------
Yesterday, the Chiefs hired their head coach. But the bottom line is that the head coach doesn't matter worth a hill of beans if he doesn't have talented players to preside over.
The good news for Chiefs fans, is that the core of this team is pretty solid. Hell, it was solid enough to overcome season ending injuries to five of the eight most valuable, important players on the roster, and be a missed field goal away from winning the division. Brandon Siler, Eric Berry, Tony Moeaki, Jamaal Charles, and Matt Cassel all missed at least half the season. You get those five guys back out on the field? The Chiefs find a way to get to win number eight and host a playoff game.
But just getting those five guys back isn't enough. There are definite areas the Chiefs need to upgrade (I'm looking at you, right tackle), and areas they definintely need to improve their depth at (hello, safety position). So let's go position by position. See what the Chiefs currently have, and what (if any) changes we can expect or hope to see at said position.
* Quarterback.
Current Depth Chart: Cassel, Orton, Palko, Stanzi.
Likely to Return: Cassel.
Free Agent(s): Orton.
Unlikely to Return: Palko.
Thoughts: I've talked myself into year four of the Matt Cassel experiment, simply because what alternative is there? Trading for Luck or Griffin is too costly. That, and there's value in the later rounds this year at the position that makes sitting a justified move. To say nothing of the fact that the QB at the collegiate level I like the most, is still a year away from declaring for the draft (Aaron Murray at Georgia).
Free agency? Sweet Jesus, have you SEEN the free agent crop at quarterback? If (like me) you believe the Saints will lock up Drew Brees before March 4th, and if (like me) you believe there's no way Peyton Manning hits the market, this is your depth chart of availability:
* Matt Flynn. Uum, no thanks? We've been down the "backup to a superstar turns in a quality game or three in relief of said superstar, so let's sign him!" road before. (See Grbac, Elvis).
* Alex Smith. The whole point of utilizing free agency is to IMPROVE the position. Alex Smith is not an improvement over Matt Cassel. And for the record, neither is
* Kyle Orton. If the Chiefs opt for Orton over Cassel, I might cancel my tickets. I am fully aware Kyle Orton went 2-1 under center. I also attended two of those three games, and watched the third one. The offense got WORSE every week, going from 5 scoring drives, to 3, to 1 in the finale. In addition, Orton was a turnover machine against the raiders, directly helping cost the Chiefs the division. Orton is NOT an upgrade on Cassel. Not even close.
* Jason Campbell. I have to admit, this one intrigues me ... but I'd still rather have Cassel.
* Chad Henne. Uuh, no. Ditto to Donovan McNabb, Vince Young, David Garrard, Rex Grossman, and Brady Quinn, all unrestricted free agents.
Help at the position, an upgrade at the position, isn't coming via free agency.
But it can come via the draft. What frustrates me with all the Luck vs Griffin talk, and Barkley and Landry Jones before that ... is that there's another ready-to-start-now prospect in this draft, who unlike Andrew Luck, has won meaningful games at the collegiate level, and who unlike Robert Griffin III, has won a BCS bowl game -- twice.
That guy ... is Kellen Moore of Boise State. Here's the relevant stats on the guy:
* 50-3 as a starter (NCAA all time record holder for most wins).
* 2008, led Boise to a 12-0 regular season, including a win at Oregon. Boise finished ranked #9. Only loss was to #19 TCU in the Poinsettia Bowl.
* 2009, led Boise to a 13-0 season, capped by a win over #3 TCU in the Fiesta Bowl. Boise also beat Oregon again along the way to finishing ranked #4.
* 2010, led Boise to a 12-1 season, which included wins over ACC champion Virginia Tech, WAC champion Utah, and demolishing a 9 win Oregon State team, en route to finishing with the #10 ranking. Only defeat was at #19 Nevada in overtime.
* 2011, led Boise to a 12-1 season, including a road win at SEC East champion Georgia. Only defeat was by one point to #24 TCU.
Let that sink in -- 50-3 as a starter, and the three losses, were twice by one point to TCU, and by a field goal in overtime to a ranked conference foe. What does that also say? For all this bullshit about Boise being in a smaller / minor conference ... EVERY time Kellen Moore faced a BCS team, he BEAT them. All on the road, save for Oregon at home in 2009. He won at Georgia, at Oregon, at Oregon State, on a neutral field against Virginia Tech, Utah, Arizona State. The kid is a winner.
* You say "well great Stevo, he's a "winner", whatever that means, but is he any good?" Is he any good? Are you kidding me?
* 2008: 281 / 405, 3,486 yards, 25 TD / 10 INT, 157.1 rating.
* 2009: 277 / 431, 3,536 yards, 39 TD / 3 INT, 161.7 rating.
* 2010: 273 / 383, 3,845 yards, 35 TD / 6 INT, 182.6 rating.
* 2011: 326 / 439, 3,800 yards, 43 TD / 9 INT, 175.2 rating.
He got better every season he was under center ... and yet, he also was consistent. Look at the stats. He consistently completed 65 plus percent, had a tremendous TD to INT ratio, and average throwing for 275 yards / game throughout his career. Uum, if we're looking to UPGRADE the quarterback position (and Scott Pioli had better be looking to do that), why wouldn't you give this kid a look?
Kiper projects him as a fourth rounder, possibly sliding into round five. I would absolutely use the 11th pick of the 4th round on Kellen Moore, and if I had to, I'd use the 11th pick of the 3rd round on him.
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Cassel, Moore (draft), Stanzi or some other clipboard holder.
* Running Back.
Current Depth Chart: T Jones, Charles, Battle, McCluster; McClain (FB).
Likely to Return: Charles, McCluster, Battle.
Free Agent(s): T Jones, McClain.
Unlikely to Return: T Jones.
Thoughts: If Charles is healthy, this is a position of strength for the Chiefs. Jackie Battle isn't making a Pro Bowl anytime soon, but he's proven this season that he can deliver in a crunch. DMC isn't going to rush for 115 yards anytime soon, but he's a solid change of pace back that is epically dangerous when he gets in open space.
I would resign Le'Ron McClain if the price is right. I liked the leadership he brought to the team last year, and he's no worse than Thomas Jones is at gaining a 3rd or 4th and short.
I would not, under any circumstance or situation, or for any price, bring back Thomas Jones. Every time he touches the ball, the Chiefs are worse off because of it. TJ was a solid signing last year. He'd be a horrendous decision in 2012.
As for upgrading the position via free agency, there's a number of talented backs out there, including:
* Ray Rice, Ravens.
* Matt Forte, Bears.
* Ryan Grant, Packers.
* Peyton Hillis, Browns.
* Mike Tolbert, Chargers.
* Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks.
* Cedric Benson, Bengals.
* Arian Foster, Texans (restricted).
If I was running the Chiefs, knowing I have to spend at least $20-$22 million MORE in 2012 than I did in 2011 simply to comply with the new CBA spending rules ... I'd take a page out of Carl Peterson's playbook from ten years ago, when he took a chance on an injured running back coming off a brutal knee injury, believing the guy would come back ready to prove himself. Carl signed Priest Holmes in the 2001 offseason when nobody else would even sniff at the guy. I'd say that worked out pretty well. If I was Scott Pioli, I'd be targeting Matt Forte. The knee injury he suffered (ironically, against the Chiefs) should drive his price down. He's already got a chip on his shoulder over the Bears refusal to resign him before or during the 2011 season. Offer him a 3 year deal with a decent signing bonus, and see what happens. Can you imagine a backfield with Charles, DMC, and Forte? (stevo drooling with anticipation ...)
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Charles, Forte (free agent), Battle, DMC; McClain (FB).
* Wide Receiver.
Current Depth Chart: D Bowe, Breaston, Baldwin, Copper, Urban, Horne.
Likely to Return: Breaston, Baldwin, Copper.
Free Agent(s): D Bowe, Urban, Horne.
Unlikely to Return: none?
Thoughts: I am fine with Dwayne Bowe returning if the price is right. I would NOT use the franchise tag on Bowe. That's too much for a receiver that consistently screws up on the field. If he wants to return for a market-value extension, great. If not? The crop of receivers in free agency and the draft is more than deep enough to at least tread water at the position.
Some free agents to look at would include:
* Reggie Wayne, Colts.
* Wes Welker, Patriots.
* Vincent Jackson, Chargers.
* DeSean Jackson, Eagles.
* Marques Colston, Saints.
* Brandon Lloyd, Rams.
* Stevie Johnson, Bills.
* Mario Manningham, Giants.
* Mike Wallace, Steelers (restricted).
Some college players to kick the tires of would include:
* Justin Blackmon, Oklahoma State.
* Michael Floyd, Notre Dame.
* Kendall Wright, Baylor.
* Nick Toon, Wisconsin.
And the most intriguing player at the position, given that like Matt Forte at running back, he's coming off of injury that should deflate his value:
* Ryan Broyles, Oklahoma.
I'd love to see the Chiefs draft Broyles on day three. I'd also love to see us pursue Marques Colston, who not only is a deep threat, he's the short receiving threat / guaranteed catch we haven't had at the position since Kevin Lockett was here. To be fair, we didn't need the "3rd and 6, gets 7 every time" guy at wide receiver, because we had it for years at tight end in Tony Gonzalez. Now? We need the sure-handed catch guy who gets the extra six inches to keep the drive alive. Dwayne Bowe, despite all his talent, is not that guy. Jon Baldwin is not that guy. Steve Breaston might be ... but why force a square peg into a round hole if you don't have to? Draft Broyles, sign Colston, and keep Copper and Urban around for special teams play and depth at the position.
Ideal Depth Chart in 2012: Baldwin, Colston (free agent), Breaston, Broyles (draft), Copper, Urban.
* Tight End.
Current Depth Chart: Moeaki, Pope, O'Connell, Becht.
Free Agent(s): Becht (likely to retire).
Unlikely to Return: O'Connell, Becht.
Thoughts: a depth chart of Moeaki, Pope, and guy there for his blocking skills works for me. There's only two free agents at tight end I'd even consider making a play for, JerMichael Finley (Packers), and Visanthe Shiancoe (Vikings). Neither really fills a need though -- Moeaki is supremely talented, albeit injury-bit ... and Pope has proven he can more than handle the position when Moeaki goes down.
I'd bring back Moeaki and Pope, try to sign a veteran for power formations (Bo Scaife from the Bengals perhaps?), and basically leave this position alone for 2012. It worked in 2011. No need to screw with what ain't broke.
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Moeaki, Pope, veteran backup for depth.
* Offensive Line.
Current Depth Chart:
Tackle: Albert, Mims (left); Richardson, Maneri (right).
Guard: Lilja (left); Asomoah (right).
Center: Weigmann, Hudson (also backs up guard).
Free Agent(s): Weigmann, Richardson.
Unlikely to Return: Weigmann, Maneri, Richardson.
Thoughts: Casey Weigmann is likely to retire, and Rodney Hudson is more than ready to step into the starting center role. The Chiefs are also set at guard for at least one more season, with Ryan Lilja still likely having two productive years left, and Jon Asomoah rapidly developing into a top ten guard. And whichever side Branden Albert mans the tackle slot on, is set for the next decade. (I personally prefer him at right tackle, especially if we draft, develop, and eventually start Kellen Moore, since Moore is a lefty ... but good luck finding a competent blind-side guard in the free agent market. Like competent starting quarterbacks, they rarely if ever reach free agency because they're so difficult to find).
Which leaves three huge holes to fill. We need a backup guard, since we no longer have one. Ideally the backup guard can also back up Hudson at center, saving a roster spot. We need a backup tackle, as Mims is a project and Maneri is worthless.
And ... uum ... well, how to put this delicately.
The single biggest glaring hole on the team is at right tackle. If Barry Richardson is starting come September 10th, Scott Pioli has flunked his offseason.
Richardson is a competent quality backup. Unfortunately, he's starting as things currently stand, and as they stood all season long. Arrowhead Pride had a link a little over a month ago that just really says it all. There are 76 qualifying tackles in the NFL this year (meaning they played at least one game at the tackle position). Ol' Barry ranks 75th against the pass. 75th out of 76. But, you say, that's just against the pass, and his strength is run blocking, right? Right?
Ol' Barry ranks 76th (out of 76) against the run.
He can't pass protect. He can't run block. He's called for an ungodly amount of penalties. We're barely a year removed from him throwing down with his head coach on the sidelines. Yes, Chiefs fans, THIS is priority one in the offseason, finding someone who ranks at least 74th in a major offensive line category to replace Ol' Barry.
Before I get to potential draft picks, here are the free agent tackles I'd be kicking the tires of:
* Demetrius Bell, Bills. Probably the best tackle available, and has started on both sides.
* khalif barnes, raiders. Anytime you can improve yourself and weaken a divisional rival, it's a move worth considering.
* Mark LeVoir, Ravens. Ravens have serious cap issues, and he might be able to walk as a result.
Not much of a crowd, huh? It honestly wouldn't shock me if the Chiefs took a chance on a reclaimation project, like Cardinals T Levi Brown (former first round pick), or Robert Turner of the Jets (horrendous year). But no matter what, I will be really shocked if Barry Richardson is starting on September 10th. Shocked and infuriated.
As for drafting an offensive lineman ... I know some people think that because it's your area of highest priority, that it's ok to devote a top 12 pick to a lineman. I say, hell no! Unless you are willing to risk your entire career on that lineman developing into a 10 time Pro Bowler and a first ballot Hall of Famer, and if you're wrong on that belief, like I said, you've just risked your entire career, unless you feel that strongly about a lineman? You NEVER use a first round pick on a lineman. It's not worth the tradeoff. With your first selection (which for most teams is in the first round ... but for the raiders this year? It's round six. Ah oakland, the gift that never quits giving!), you HAVE to select a skill position player. You have to.
Offensive line is the one position you absolutely are guaranteed to find quality at on day two and (especially) day three. Don't believe me? Here's a look at some of the best linemen the Chiefs have employed recently, and how we acquired them:
* Willie Roaf: acquired for a fourth round pick.
* Will Shields: drafted in the third round.
* Casey Weigmann: acquired in free agency.
* Ryan Lilja: acquired in free agency.
* Tim Grunhard: drafted in the second round.
* Dave Szott: drafted in the seventh round.
The only three first round linemen the Chiefs have drafted that have amounted to anything? John Tait (who bolted in free agency after his fourth year), John Alt (solid 10 year career that included a couple Pro Bowls), and Branden Albert.
Are ANY of those three players worth the 11th pick in the draft?
(Nope).
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012:
Tackle: Albert (left), Bell (right) (free agent); veteran backup for depth.
Guard: Lilja (left), Asomoah (right); promising rookie for depth (Lilja is the next to go).
Center: Hudson, veteran backup for depth.
* Kicking Specialists:
Place Kicker: Ryan Succup.
Punter: Dusty Colquitt.
Long Snapper: Thomas Gafford.
Returners: Javier Arenas, DMC.
Free Agent(s): none.
Unlikely to Return: none.
Thoughts: why fix what ain't broke? I'd expect to see all five specialists return in their roles in 2012.
* Defensive Line.
Current Depth Chart:
End: Dorsey (right), Jackson (left); Gilberry, Bailey, Gordon.
Tackle: Gregg; Powe.
Free Agent(s): Gregg, Gilberry.
Unlikely to Return: Gregg.
Thoughts: If left tackle is priority one, then nose tackle has to be priority two. Kelly Gregg simply did not get the job done this year, and has to be upgraded in 2012. Thankfully, the tackle I wanted the Chiefs to sign last year? Had a very disappointing season with New Orleans this fall, and is a free agent once again, and that is Abraeyo Franklin. A sensible multi-year offer should get the job done.
I'd also seek to upgrade the left defensive end position. Yes, Tyson Jackson got better as the year got along ... but he STILL isn't worth the 3rd overall pick in the draft three years later. If the Chiefs think Jackson will continue to improve, then keep him, but there's nothing wrong with upgrading the spot. If you're looking for a quick one or two year upgrade that won't damage your cap long-term, and will tremendously improve your pass rush in the short term, look at DE John Abraham of the Falcons.
Other free agents to consider:
* Robert Mathis, DE, Colts. (Likely to be resigned).
* Jason Jones, DT, Titans. (Virtual lock to be resigned).
* Cliff Avril, DE, Lions.
* Abomi Okoye, DT, Bears. (If only to have an Okoye on the roster again).
Ideal Depth Chart in 2012:
End: Dorsey (right), Abraham (left) (free agent); Bailey, Gordon, veteran backup for depth.
Tackle: Franklin (free agent); Powe, promising rookie for depth.
* Linebacker.
Current Depth Chart:
Outside: Houston (left), Hali (right); Studebaker, Sheffield.
Inside: Belcher (left), DJ (right); Siler, Williams, Greenwood.
Free Agent(s): Belcher (restricted); Greenwood (exclusive rights).
Unlikely to Return: Williams.
Thoughts: I think the Chiefs are set at all four starting positions for at least the next five years, barring injury ... or Justin Houston testing positive for weed again. DJ and Hali are Pro Bowlers on an annual basis. Justin Houston is going to be a really good one, and Jovan Belcher really impressed me this year. I expect the Chiefs to match any offer to Belcher, and they'll no doubt tender Cory Greenwood to retain him. Which means really, all you're looking for is depth to replace the worthless corpse of Demorrio Williams.
(Editors note: forgot to mention, don't underestimate how huge the return of Brandon Siler will be. If he makes it all the way back into the starting role, that's FOUR potential Pro Bowlers at linebacker. The last time a team fielded four all-pros at LB? Jim Mora's early 1990s Saints that were routinely the league's best defense -- Pat Swilling, Rickey Jackson, Sam Mills, and Vaughn Johnson.)
Because of that, if you want to go the free agent route, I'm fine with that ... but I'd really be looking to the draft. A lot can shake out between now and April 26th, but I am really impressed with Dont'a Hightower of Alabama. That kid is a freaking beast. Sportsline.com has him rated 26th overall, so he might be a reach at 11 ... but if you can trade down and pick up an extra pick or two for your considerations, and then pick Hightower in the 20-22 range? Definitely worth attempting to do.
(This is exactly what the Chiefs did last year, trading down six spots with Cleveland, and picking up a 3rd rounder, the 70th overall pick, for their troubles. That pick? Turned into Justin Houston. Come on history, don't be scared to repeat yourself!!!)
If you're looking at a day three, fifth / sixth round pick, I like Emmanuel Acho of Texas. Reminds me a lot of another UT linebacker from earlier this decade, some dude named Derrick Johnson.
If you go outside 'backer, Courtney Upshaw of Alabama, another solid idea. (That, or I just was so overwhelmed watching the Bama defense last night, that I'm overrating all of them as a result). Zack Brown of UNC should be there at the top of round two, ditto Lavonte David of Nebraska.
Ideal Depth Chart in 2012:
Outside: Houston (left), Hali (right); Studebaker, Sheffield.
Inside: Siler / Belcher (left), DJ (right); Belcher / Siler, Hightower (draft), Greenwood.
I can't stress this enough -- you can NEVER have enough depth at linebacker. If they can pass cover, they make up for holes in your secondary. If they can blitz? They make up for holes on your D-Line. And if you have 6-7 competent quality players all capable of starting? They'll only push each other to greater accomplishments than you imagined possible.
(Or at least give you valuable trading chips to fill the holes in your roster as training camp winds down next August ...)
* Cornerback.
Depth Chart: Flowers (left), Carr (right); Daniels, Arenas, Brown.
Free Agent(s): Carr.
Unlikely to Return: Brown, Carr (if cost goes too high).
Thoughts: the more I think about it, the more I think that Brandon Carr is going to be the most difficult decision of Scott Pioli's offseason. On the one hand, he's a solid starting corner, and those aren't all that easy to find in this league. On the other hand, how much of that is because he has a future Pro Bowler on the other side of the field? In other words, is he like Antonio Cromartie, who benefits from Darrelle Revis taking up half the field? Or is Brandon Carr a legitimate stand-alone corner? If you think he's a product of the support around him, then let some other team give him the 6 year, $70 million contract he's going to get. If you think he's every bit as good as Brandon Flowers, then overpay the man and focus on other areas.
If it was my call? I'd swallow hard and overpay, knowing full well I might have just bought myself the second coming of Eric Warfield. Because if Carr's ceiling is a Warfield-type career? I can live with that. There are positions in this league you have to overpay for talent at, and cornerback is high up on that list. And besides, a ceiling of Eric Warfield beats the hell out of a Carlton Gray or "Stevo's Most Hated Chiefs Player Ever", bill bartee, ceiling. (With billy bartee, if the floor and the ceiling are both six feet under the ground, does that count as a ceiling?)
The Chiefs also need to upgrade the depth at this position. Jalil Brown is a nice guy. He's a terrible corner. Arenas is acceptable as a nickel / dime package corner, but if he's on the field for more than about 15% of the snaps, you're in trouble. And Travis Daniels can't stay healthy. Depth is a major issue here.
Sadly, the best cornerback in college isn't eligible for the draft ... but his teammate, Morris Claiborne (LSU), is. (Ranked 4th overall on Sportsline). This is a really deep class for corners thankfully -- 17 earn day one or two grades on Sportsline, which is an extremely high number for a position this important. (It'd be like 9 quarterbacks earning day one or two grades. It never happens.)
One corner I'd say the hell away from is Janoris Jenkins, formerly of Florida, currently of North Alabama. When the "King of Sleaze", Urban Meyer, a man who had 31 separate felony arrests occur on his watch at Florida, when that guy, who routinely looks the other way and is the embodiment of the phrase "lack of institutional control", when THAT guy deems you too toxic, and kicks you off his team? Red flag! Red flag!
If you want to look the veteran route, there's not much out there. Maybe offer an incentive laden deal to Marcus Trufant (Seahawks) or Rashean Mathis (Jaguars). Seriously, Brandon Carr is the second best corner on the market (behind Brent Grimes (Falcons)). That ought to tell you how tough it is to find one acceptable long-term option at the position, let alone two like the Chiefs currently have.
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Carr (left), Flowers (right); Arenas, Daniels, promising rookie for depth.
* Safety.
Current Depth Chart: Lewis (strong), Berry (free); McGraw, Washington, Langford, Piscatelli.
Free Agent(s): McGraw.
Unlikely to Return: Langford, McGraw, Piscatelli (please Jesus. Please.)
Thoughts: My God, is this position a nuclear holocaust. Berry played four snaps all year. Piscatelli looked competent for about two snaps all year. McGraw has lost it, Langford never had it, and Lewis played out of position most of the year at strong safety. How the hell the Chiefs didn't get torched for 45 points and 500 yards every game, I have absolutely no idea.
I mean, look at that depth chart without Eric Berry. Christ, I could complete 21/40 for 250 and a couple touchdowns against this riff-raff. I can only think of one team all season that decided to chuck it all over the field on us, and that was the Lions in week 2. (They won 48-3 in a game that wasn't even that close).
This unit needs serious upgrading, both with veteran talent and some youth. On the free agent wire, I'd make a serious run at tyvon branch of the raiders. Another "strengthen yourself at your rivals' expense" signing.
As far as looking to the draft, uuh, well ... as deep as the cornerback pool is? The safety pool is that shallow. Not a single safety earned a first round grade on Sportsline*, and only two earned a second round grade. Yikes. So I'd probably bring in another veteran for depth at a cost-friendly contract, and wait until next year to find a youngster in the draft.
(*: I went with Sportsline for my collegiate rankings because ESPN Insider is piss poor so far in its coverage. Kiper goes 32 deep overall; McShay doesn't even have a first round mock posted yet, let alone a positional breakdown. AND I PAY ESPN FOR THAT! Sportsline charges me $0.00 for a tremendously easy to use database breakdown not just by position, but by SIDE OF THE LINE the position is on. F*ck you ESPN Insider.)
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Berry (free), Branch (strong) (free agent); Lewis, Washington, veteran backup for depth.
So ... if you followed me this far, in summary, what I want to see the Chiefs do this offseason:
Free Agency:
Sign Matt Forte, RB, Bears.
Sign Marques Colston, WR, Saints.
Sign Demetrius Bell, LT, Bills, or Khalif Barnes, RT, raiders.
Sign Abrayeo Franklin, NT, Saints.
Sign Tyvon Branch, SS, raiders.
Re-sign Brandon Carr, CB.
Re-sign Jovan Belcher, LB.
Re-sign Cory Greenwood, LB.
Re-sign Jerheme Urban, WR.
Re-sign Le'Ron McClain, FB.
Do NOT re-sign Kyle Orton, QB.
Do NOT re-sign Dwayne Bowe, WR.
Do NOT re-sign Barry Richardson, LT.
Do NOT re-sign Jon McGraw, SS.
Do NOT re-sign Demorrio Williams, ILB.
Oh, and
DO! NOT! RE! SIGN! sabby! piscatelli! (please Jesus. Please!)
Draft:
Trade down in round one, into the mid 20s, and pick up a third rounder.
Draft Dont'a Hightower, LB, Alabama, in round one.
Draft the best guard / center on the board in round two.
Draft Ryan Broyles, WR, Oklahoma, in round three.
Draft best cornerback on the board with round three pick acquired via tradedown.
Draft Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State, in round four.
Draft best guard / center on the board in round five.
Draft corner or safety in round six.
Draft another corner or safety in round six (Orton compensatory pick).
Draft best player available in round seven.
Draft best player available in round seven (compensation for Jarrad Page).
Thoughts, opinions, hate mail? Hit me up in the comments, on email at teamtito15@yahoo.com, or on twitter @teamtito15. Although I'm still not good at this Twitter thing, so if I don't respond, don't be offended. I'm 35 now, the world flies by much faster than it used to for this now nearly officially old dude ...
Part One: The Highs and Lows of 2011
Part Two: The Grades for 2011
Part Three: The Dream 2012 Schedule
Part Four: The (New) Coaching Staff?
And now, the final installment (for now) of the 2011 Chiefs Season in (P)review! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should probably note up front, a few of my ideal moves, ain't gonna happen. (Much like Bill Callahan as offensive coordinator -- that went out the window earlier today when the Cowboys hired him as offensive line / assistant head coach.) But read through the ten pages, my ideas make (some) sense, and would result in a much stronger team entering 2012 than we closed (or entered) 2011 with ...
-----------------------
Yesterday, the Chiefs hired their head coach. But the bottom line is that the head coach doesn't matter worth a hill of beans if he doesn't have talented players to preside over.
The good news for Chiefs fans, is that the core of this team is pretty solid. Hell, it was solid enough to overcome season ending injuries to five of the eight most valuable, important players on the roster, and be a missed field goal away from winning the division. Brandon Siler, Eric Berry, Tony Moeaki, Jamaal Charles, and Matt Cassel all missed at least half the season. You get those five guys back out on the field? The Chiefs find a way to get to win number eight and host a playoff game.
But just getting those five guys back isn't enough. There are definite areas the Chiefs need to upgrade (I'm looking at you, right tackle), and areas they definintely need to improve their depth at (hello, safety position). So let's go position by position. See what the Chiefs currently have, and what (if any) changes we can expect or hope to see at said position.
* Quarterback.
Current Depth Chart: Cassel, Orton, Palko, Stanzi.
Likely to Return: Cassel.
Free Agent(s): Orton.
Unlikely to Return: Palko.
Thoughts: I've talked myself into year four of the Matt Cassel experiment, simply because what alternative is there? Trading for Luck or Griffin is too costly. That, and there's value in the later rounds this year at the position that makes sitting a justified move. To say nothing of the fact that the QB at the collegiate level I like the most, is still a year away from declaring for the draft (Aaron Murray at Georgia).
Free agency? Sweet Jesus, have you SEEN the free agent crop at quarterback? If (like me) you believe the Saints will lock up Drew Brees before March 4th, and if (like me) you believe there's no way Peyton Manning hits the market, this is your depth chart of availability:
* Matt Flynn. Uum, no thanks? We've been down the "backup to a superstar turns in a quality game or three in relief of said superstar, so let's sign him!" road before. (See Grbac, Elvis).
* Alex Smith. The whole point of utilizing free agency is to IMPROVE the position. Alex Smith is not an improvement over Matt Cassel. And for the record, neither is
* Kyle Orton. If the Chiefs opt for Orton over Cassel, I might cancel my tickets. I am fully aware Kyle Orton went 2-1 under center. I also attended two of those three games, and watched the third one. The offense got WORSE every week, going from 5 scoring drives, to 3, to 1 in the finale. In addition, Orton was a turnover machine against the raiders, directly helping cost the Chiefs the division. Orton is NOT an upgrade on Cassel. Not even close.
* Jason Campbell. I have to admit, this one intrigues me ... but I'd still rather have Cassel.
* Chad Henne. Uuh, no. Ditto to Donovan McNabb, Vince Young, David Garrard, Rex Grossman, and Brady Quinn, all unrestricted free agents.
Help at the position, an upgrade at the position, isn't coming via free agency.
But it can come via the draft. What frustrates me with all the Luck vs Griffin talk, and Barkley and Landry Jones before that ... is that there's another ready-to-start-now prospect in this draft, who unlike Andrew Luck, has won meaningful games at the collegiate level, and who unlike Robert Griffin III, has won a BCS bowl game -- twice.
That guy ... is Kellen Moore of Boise State. Here's the relevant stats on the guy:
* 50-3 as a starter (NCAA all time record holder for most wins).
* 2008, led Boise to a 12-0 regular season, including a win at Oregon. Boise finished ranked #9. Only loss was to #19 TCU in the Poinsettia Bowl.
* 2009, led Boise to a 13-0 season, capped by a win over #3 TCU in the Fiesta Bowl. Boise also beat Oregon again along the way to finishing ranked #4.
* 2010, led Boise to a 12-1 season, which included wins over ACC champion Virginia Tech, WAC champion Utah, and demolishing a 9 win Oregon State team, en route to finishing with the #10 ranking. Only defeat was at #19 Nevada in overtime.
* 2011, led Boise to a 12-1 season, including a road win at SEC East champion Georgia. Only defeat was by one point to #24 TCU.
Let that sink in -- 50-3 as a starter, and the three losses, were twice by one point to TCU, and by a field goal in overtime to a ranked conference foe. What does that also say? For all this bullshit about Boise being in a smaller / minor conference ... EVERY time Kellen Moore faced a BCS team, he BEAT them. All on the road, save for Oregon at home in 2009. He won at Georgia, at Oregon, at Oregon State, on a neutral field against Virginia Tech, Utah, Arizona State. The kid is a winner.
* You say "well great Stevo, he's a "winner", whatever that means, but is he any good?" Is he any good? Are you kidding me?
* 2008: 281 / 405, 3,486 yards, 25 TD / 10 INT, 157.1 rating.
* 2009: 277 / 431, 3,536 yards, 39 TD / 3 INT, 161.7 rating.
* 2010: 273 / 383, 3,845 yards, 35 TD / 6 INT, 182.6 rating.
* 2011: 326 / 439, 3,800 yards, 43 TD / 9 INT, 175.2 rating.
He got better every season he was under center ... and yet, he also was consistent. Look at the stats. He consistently completed 65 plus percent, had a tremendous TD to INT ratio, and average throwing for 275 yards / game throughout his career. Uum, if we're looking to UPGRADE the quarterback position (and Scott Pioli had better be looking to do that), why wouldn't you give this kid a look?
Kiper projects him as a fourth rounder, possibly sliding into round five. I would absolutely use the 11th pick of the 4th round on Kellen Moore, and if I had to, I'd use the 11th pick of the 3rd round on him.
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Cassel, Moore (draft), Stanzi or some other clipboard holder.
* Running Back.
Current Depth Chart: T Jones, Charles, Battle, McCluster; McClain (FB).
Likely to Return: Charles, McCluster, Battle.
Free Agent(s): T Jones, McClain.
Unlikely to Return: T Jones.
Thoughts: If Charles is healthy, this is a position of strength for the Chiefs. Jackie Battle isn't making a Pro Bowl anytime soon, but he's proven this season that he can deliver in a crunch. DMC isn't going to rush for 115 yards anytime soon, but he's a solid change of pace back that is epically dangerous when he gets in open space.
I would resign Le'Ron McClain if the price is right. I liked the leadership he brought to the team last year, and he's no worse than Thomas Jones is at gaining a 3rd or 4th and short.
I would not, under any circumstance or situation, or for any price, bring back Thomas Jones. Every time he touches the ball, the Chiefs are worse off because of it. TJ was a solid signing last year. He'd be a horrendous decision in 2012.
As for upgrading the position via free agency, there's a number of talented backs out there, including:
* Ray Rice, Ravens.
* Matt Forte, Bears.
* Ryan Grant, Packers.
* Peyton Hillis, Browns.
* Mike Tolbert, Chargers.
* Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks.
* Cedric Benson, Bengals.
* Arian Foster, Texans (restricted).
If I was running the Chiefs, knowing I have to spend at least $20-$22 million MORE in 2012 than I did in 2011 simply to comply with the new CBA spending rules ... I'd take a page out of Carl Peterson's playbook from ten years ago, when he took a chance on an injured running back coming off a brutal knee injury, believing the guy would come back ready to prove himself. Carl signed Priest Holmes in the 2001 offseason when nobody else would even sniff at the guy. I'd say that worked out pretty well. If I was Scott Pioli, I'd be targeting Matt Forte. The knee injury he suffered (ironically, against the Chiefs) should drive his price down. He's already got a chip on his shoulder over the Bears refusal to resign him before or during the 2011 season. Offer him a 3 year deal with a decent signing bonus, and see what happens. Can you imagine a backfield with Charles, DMC, and Forte? (stevo drooling with anticipation ...)
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Charles, Forte (free agent), Battle, DMC; McClain (FB).
* Wide Receiver.
Current Depth Chart: D Bowe, Breaston, Baldwin, Copper, Urban, Horne.
Likely to Return: Breaston, Baldwin, Copper.
Free Agent(s): D Bowe, Urban, Horne.
Unlikely to Return: none?
Thoughts: I am fine with Dwayne Bowe returning if the price is right. I would NOT use the franchise tag on Bowe. That's too much for a receiver that consistently screws up on the field. If he wants to return for a market-value extension, great. If not? The crop of receivers in free agency and the draft is more than deep enough to at least tread water at the position.
Some free agents to look at would include:
* Reggie Wayne, Colts.
* Wes Welker, Patriots.
* Vincent Jackson, Chargers.
* DeSean Jackson, Eagles.
* Marques Colston, Saints.
* Brandon Lloyd, Rams.
* Stevie Johnson, Bills.
* Mario Manningham, Giants.
* Mike Wallace, Steelers (restricted).
Some college players to kick the tires of would include:
* Justin Blackmon, Oklahoma State.
* Michael Floyd, Notre Dame.
* Kendall Wright, Baylor.
* Nick Toon, Wisconsin.
And the most intriguing player at the position, given that like Matt Forte at running back, he's coming off of injury that should deflate his value:
* Ryan Broyles, Oklahoma.
I'd love to see the Chiefs draft Broyles on day three. I'd also love to see us pursue Marques Colston, who not only is a deep threat, he's the short receiving threat / guaranteed catch we haven't had at the position since Kevin Lockett was here. To be fair, we didn't need the "3rd and 6, gets 7 every time" guy at wide receiver, because we had it for years at tight end in Tony Gonzalez. Now? We need the sure-handed catch guy who gets the extra six inches to keep the drive alive. Dwayne Bowe, despite all his talent, is not that guy. Jon Baldwin is not that guy. Steve Breaston might be ... but why force a square peg into a round hole if you don't have to? Draft Broyles, sign Colston, and keep Copper and Urban around for special teams play and depth at the position.
Ideal Depth Chart in 2012: Baldwin, Colston (free agent), Breaston, Broyles (draft), Copper, Urban.
* Tight End.
Current Depth Chart: Moeaki, Pope, O'Connell, Becht.
Free Agent(s): Becht (likely to retire).
Unlikely to Return: O'Connell, Becht.
Thoughts: a depth chart of Moeaki, Pope, and guy there for his blocking skills works for me. There's only two free agents at tight end I'd even consider making a play for, JerMichael Finley (Packers), and Visanthe Shiancoe (Vikings). Neither really fills a need though -- Moeaki is supremely talented, albeit injury-bit ... and Pope has proven he can more than handle the position when Moeaki goes down.
I'd bring back Moeaki and Pope, try to sign a veteran for power formations (Bo Scaife from the Bengals perhaps?), and basically leave this position alone for 2012. It worked in 2011. No need to screw with what ain't broke.
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Moeaki, Pope, veteran backup for depth.
* Offensive Line.
Current Depth Chart:
Tackle: Albert, Mims (left); Richardson, Maneri (right).
Guard: Lilja (left); Asomoah (right).
Center: Weigmann, Hudson (also backs up guard).
Free Agent(s): Weigmann, Richardson.
Unlikely to Return: Weigmann, Maneri, Richardson.
Thoughts: Casey Weigmann is likely to retire, and Rodney Hudson is more than ready to step into the starting center role. The Chiefs are also set at guard for at least one more season, with Ryan Lilja still likely having two productive years left, and Jon Asomoah rapidly developing into a top ten guard. And whichever side Branden Albert mans the tackle slot on, is set for the next decade. (I personally prefer him at right tackle, especially if we draft, develop, and eventually start Kellen Moore, since Moore is a lefty ... but good luck finding a competent blind-side guard in the free agent market. Like competent starting quarterbacks, they rarely if ever reach free agency because they're so difficult to find).
Which leaves three huge holes to fill. We need a backup guard, since we no longer have one. Ideally the backup guard can also back up Hudson at center, saving a roster spot. We need a backup tackle, as Mims is a project and Maneri is worthless.
And ... uum ... well, how to put this delicately.
The single biggest glaring hole on the team is at right tackle. If Barry Richardson is starting come September 10th, Scott Pioli has flunked his offseason.
Richardson is a competent quality backup. Unfortunately, he's starting as things currently stand, and as they stood all season long. Arrowhead Pride had a link a little over a month ago that just really says it all. There are 76 qualifying tackles in the NFL this year (meaning they played at least one game at the tackle position). Ol' Barry ranks 75th against the pass. 75th out of 76. But, you say, that's just against the pass, and his strength is run blocking, right? Right?
Ol' Barry ranks 76th (out of 76) against the run.
He can't pass protect. He can't run block. He's called for an ungodly amount of penalties. We're barely a year removed from him throwing down with his head coach on the sidelines. Yes, Chiefs fans, THIS is priority one in the offseason, finding someone who ranks at least 74th in a major offensive line category to replace Ol' Barry.
Before I get to potential draft picks, here are the free agent tackles I'd be kicking the tires of:
* Demetrius Bell, Bills. Probably the best tackle available, and has started on both sides.
* khalif barnes, raiders. Anytime you can improve yourself and weaken a divisional rival, it's a move worth considering.
* Mark LeVoir, Ravens. Ravens have serious cap issues, and he might be able to walk as a result.
Not much of a crowd, huh? It honestly wouldn't shock me if the Chiefs took a chance on a reclaimation project, like Cardinals T Levi Brown (former first round pick), or Robert Turner of the Jets (horrendous year). But no matter what, I will be really shocked if Barry Richardson is starting on September 10th. Shocked and infuriated.
As for drafting an offensive lineman ... I know some people think that because it's your area of highest priority, that it's ok to devote a top 12 pick to a lineman. I say, hell no! Unless you are willing to risk your entire career on that lineman developing into a 10 time Pro Bowler and a first ballot Hall of Famer, and if you're wrong on that belief, like I said, you've just risked your entire career, unless you feel that strongly about a lineman? You NEVER use a first round pick on a lineman. It's not worth the tradeoff. With your first selection (which for most teams is in the first round ... but for the raiders this year? It's round six. Ah oakland, the gift that never quits giving!), you HAVE to select a skill position player. You have to.
Offensive line is the one position you absolutely are guaranteed to find quality at on day two and (especially) day three. Don't believe me? Here's a look at some of the best linemen the Chiefs have employed recently, and how we acquired them:
* Willie Roaf: acquired for a fourth round pick.
* Will Shields: drafted in the third round.
* Casey Weigmann: acquired in free agency.
* Ryan Lilja: acquired in free agency.
* Tim Grunhard: drafted in the second round.
* Dave Szott: drafted in the seventh round.
The only three first round linemen the Chiefs have drafted that have amounted to anything? John Tait (who bolted in free agency after his fourth year), John Alt (solid 10 year career that included a couple Pro Bowls), and Branden Albert.
Are ANY of those three players worth the 11th pick in the draft?
(Nope).
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012:
Tackle: Albert (left), Bell (right) (free agent); veteran backup for depth.
Guard: Lilja (left), Asomoah (right); promising rookie for depth (Lilja is the next to go).
Center: Hudson, veteran backup for depth.
* Kicking Specialists:
Place Kicker: Ryan Succup.
Punter: Dusty Colquitt.
Long Snapper: Thomas Gafford.
Returners: Javier Arenas, DMC.
Free Agent(s): none.
Unlikely to Return: none.
Thoughts: why fix what ain't broke? I'd expect to see all five specialists return in their roles in 2012.
* Defensive Line.
Current Depth Chart:
End: Dorsey (right), Jackson (left); Gilberry, Bailey, Gordon.
Tackle: Gregg; Powe.
Free Agent(s): Gregg, Gilberry.
Unlikely to Return: Gregg.
Thoughts: If left tackle is priority one, then nose tackle has to be priority two. Kelly Gregg simply did not get the job done this year, and has to be upgraded in 2012. Thankfully, the tackle I wanted the Chiefs to sign last year? Had a very disappointing season with New Orleans this fall, and is a free agent once again, and that is Abraeyo Franklin. A sensible multi-year offer should get the job done.
I'd also seek to upgrade the left defensive end position. Yes, Tyson Jackson got better as the year got along ... but he STILL isn't worth the 3rd overall pick in the draft three years later. If the Chiefs think Jackson will continue to improve, then keep him, but there's nothing wrong with upgrading the spot. If you're looking for a quick one or two year upgrade that won't damage your cap long-term, and will tremendously improve your pass rush in the short term, look at DE John Abraham of the Falcons.
Other free agents to consider:
* Robert Mathis, DE, Colts. (Likely to be resigned).
* Jason Jones, DT, Titans. (Virtual lock to be resigned).
* Cliff Avril, DE, Lions.
* Abomi Okoye, DT, Bears. (If only to have an Okoye on the roster again).
Ideal Depth Chart in 2012:
End: Dorsey (right), Abraham (left) (free agent); Bailey, Gordon, veteran backup for depth.
Tackle: Franklin (free agent); Powe, promising rookie for depth.
* Linebacker.
Current Depth Chart:
Outside: Houston (left), Hali (right); Studebaker, Sheffield.
Inside: Belcher (left), DJ (right); Siler, Williams, Greenwood.
Free Agent(s): Belcher (restricted); Greenwood (exclusive rights).
Unlikely to Return: Williams.
Thoughts: I think the Chiefs are set at all four starting positions for at least the next five years, barring injury ... or Justin Houston testing positive for weed again. DJ and Hali are Pro Bowlers on an annual basis. Justin Houston is going to be a really good one, and Jovan Belcher really impressed me this year. I expect the Chiefs to match any offer to Belcher, and they'll no doubt tender Cory Greenwood to retain him. Which means really, all you're looking for is depth to replace the worthless corpse of Demorrio Williams.
(Editors note: forgot to mention, don't underestimate how huge the return of Brandon Siler will be. If he makes it all the way back into the starting role, that's FOUR potential Pro Bowlers at linebacker. The last time a team fielded four all-pros at LB? Jim Mora's early 1990s Saints that were routinely the league's best defense -- Pat Swilling, Rickey Jackson, Sam Mills, and Vaughn Johnson.)
Because of that, if you want to go the free agent route, I'm fine with that ... but I'd really be looking to the draft. A lot can shake out between now and April 26th, but I am really impressed with Dont'a Hightower of Alabama. That kid is a freaking beast. Sportsline.com has him rated 26th overall, so he might be a reach at 11 ... but if you can trade down and pick up an extra pick or two for your considerations, and then pick Hightower in the 20-22 range? Definitely worth attempting to do.
(This is exactly what the Chiefs did last year, trading down six spots with Cleveland, and picking up a 3rd rounder, the 70th overall pick, for their troubles. That pick? Turned into Justin Houston. Come on history, don't be scared to repeat yourself!!!)
If you're looking at a day three, fifth / sixth round pick, I like Emmanuel Acho of Texas. Reminds me a lot of another UT linebacker from earlier this decade, some dude named Derrick Johnson.
If you go outside 'backer, Courtney Upshaw of Alabama, another solid idea. (That, or I just was so overwhelmed watching the Bama defense last night, that I'm overrating all of them as a result). Zack Brown of UNC should be there at the top of round two, ditto Lavonte David of Nebraska.
Ideal Depth Chart in 2012:
Outside: Houston (left), Hali (right); Studebaker, Sheffield.
Inside: Siler / Belcher (left), DJ (right); Belcher / Siler, Hightower (draft), Greenwood.
I can't stress this enough -- you can NEVER have enough depth at linebacker. If they can pass cover, they make up for holes in your secondary. If they can blitz? They make up for holes on your D-Line. And if you have 6-7 competent quality players all capable of starting? They'll only push each other to greater accomplishments than you imagined possible.
(Or at least give you valuable trading chips to fill the holes in your roster as training camp winds down next August ...)
* Cornerback.
Depth Chart: Flowers (left), Carr (right); Daniels, Arenas, Brown.
Free Agent(s): Carr.
Unlikely to Return: Brown, Carr (if cost goes too high).
Thoughts: the more I think about it, the more I think that Brandon Carr is going to be the most difficult decision of Scott Pioli's offseason. On the one hand, he's a solid starting corner, and those aren't all that easy to find in this league. On the other hand, how much of that is because he has a future Pro Bowler on the other side of the field? In other words, is he like Antonio Cromartie, who benefits from Darrelle Revis taking up half the field? Or is Brandon Carr a legitimate stand-alone corner? If you think he's a product of the support around him, then let some other team give him the 6 year, $70 million contract he's going to get. If you think he's every bit as good as Brandon Flowers, then overpay the man and focus on other areas.
If it was my call? I'd swallow hard and overpay, knowing full well I might have just bought myself the second coming of Eric Warfield. Because if Carr's ceiling is a Warfield-type career? I can live with that. There are positions in this league you have to overpay for talent at, and cornerback is high up on that list. And besides, a ceiling of Eric Warfield beats the hell out of a Carlton Gray or "Stevo's Most Hated Chiefs Player Ever", bill bartee, ceiling. (With billy bartee, if the floor and the ceiling are both six feet under the ground, does that count as a ceiling?)
The Chiefs also need to upgrade the depth at this position. Jalil Brown is a nice guy. He's a terrible corner. Arenas is acceptable as a nickel / dime package corner, but if he's on the field for more than about 15% of the snaps, you're in trouble. And Travis Daniels can't stay healthy. Depth is a major issue here.
Sadly, the best cornerback in college isn't eligible for the draft ... but his teammate, Morris Claiborne (LSU), is. (Ranked 4th overall on Sportsline). This is a really deep class for corners thankfully -- 17 earn day one or two grades on Sportsline, which is an extremely high number for a position this important. (It'd be like 9 quarterbacks earning day one or two grades. It never happens.)
One corner I'd say the hell away from is Janoris Jenkins, formerly of Florida, currently of North Alabama. When the "King of Sleaze", Urban Meyer, a man who had 31 separate felony arrests occur on his watch at Florida, when that guy, who routinely looks the other way and is the embodiment of the phrase "lack of institutional control", when THAT guy deems you too toxic, and kicks you off his team? Red flag! Red flag!
If you want to look the veteran route, there's not much out there. Maybe offer an incentive laden deal to Marcus Trufant (Seahawks) or Rashean Mathis (Jaguars). Seriously, Brandon Carr is the second best corner on the market (behind Brent Grimes (Falcons)). That ought to tell you how tough it is to find one acceptable long-term option at the position, let alone two like the Chiefs currently have.
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Carr (left), Flowers (right); Arenas, Daniels, promising rookie for depth.
* Safety.
Current Depth Chart: Lewis (strong), Berry (free); McGraw, Washington, Langford, Piscatelli.
Free Agent(s): McGraw.
Unlikely to Return: Langford, McGraw, Piscatelli (please Jesus. Please.)
Thoughts: My God, is this position a nuclear holocaust. Berry played four snaps all year. Piscatelli looked competent for about two snaps all year. McGraw has lost it, Langford never had it, and Lewis played out of position most of the year at strong safety. How the hell the Chiefs didn't get torched for 45 points and 500 yards every game, I have absolutely no idea.
I mean, look at that depth chart without Eric Berry. Christ, I could complete 21/40 for 250 and a couple touchdowns against this riff-raff. I can only think of one team all season that decided to chuck it all over the field on us, and that was the Lions in week 2. (They won 48-3 in a game that wasn't even that close).
This unit needs serious upgrading, both with veteran talent and some youth. On the free agent wire, I'd make a serious run at tyvon branch of the raiders. Another "strengthen yourself at your rivals' expense" signing.
As far as looking to the draft, uuh, well ... as deep as the cornerback pool is? The safety pool is that shallow. Not a single safety earned a first round grade on Sportsline*, and only two earned a second round grade. Yikes. So I'd probably bring in another veteran for depth at a cost-friendly contract, and wait until next year to find a youngster in the draft.
(*: I went with Sportsline for my collegiate rankings because ESPN Insider is piss poor so far in its coverage. Kiper goes 32 deep overall; McShay doesn't even have a first round mock posted yet, let alone a positional breakdown. AND I PAY ESPN FOR THAT! Sportsline charges me $0.00 for a tremendously easy to use database breakdown not just by position, but by SIDE OF THE LINE the position is on. F*ck you ESPN Insider.)
Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Berry (free), Branch (strong) (free agent); Lewis, Washington, veteran backup for depth.
So ... if you followed me this far, in summary, what I want to see the Chiefs do this offseason:
Free Agency:
Sign Matt Forte, RB, Bears.
Sign Marques Colston, WR, Saints.
Sign Demetrius Bell, LT, Bills, or Khalif Barnes, RT, raiders.
Sign Abrayeo Franklin, NT, Saints.
Sign Tyvon Branch, SS, raiders.
Re-sign Brandon Carr, CB.
Re-sign Jovan Belcher, LB.
Re-sign Cory Greenwood, LB.
Re-sign Jerheme Urban, WR.
Re-sign Le'Ron McClain, FB.
Do NOT re-sign Kyle Orton, QB.
Do NOT re-sign Dwayne Bowe, WR.
Do NOT re-sign Barry Richardson, LT.
Do NOT re-sign Jon McGraw, SS.
Do NOT re-sign Demorrio Williams, ILB.
Oh, and
DO! NOT! RE! SIGN! sabby! piscatelli! (please Jesus. Please!)
Draft:
Trade down in round one, into the mid 20s, and pick up a third rounder.
Draft Dont'a Hightower, LB, Alabama, in round one.
Draft the best guard / center on the board in round two.
Draft Ryan Broyles, WR, Oklahoma, in round three.
Draft best cornerback on the board with round three pick acquired via tradedown.
Draft Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State, in round four.
Draft best guard / center on the board in round five.
Draft corner or safety in round six.
Draft another corner or safety in round six (Orton compensatory pick).
Draft best player available in round seven.
Draft best player available in round seven (compensation for Jarrad Page).
Thoughts, opinions, hate mail? Hit me up in the comments, on email at teamtito15@yahoo.com, or on twitter @teamtito15. Although I'm still not good at this Twitter thing, so if I don't respond, don't be offended. I'm 35 now, the world flies by much faster than it used to for this now nearly officially old dude ...
Monday, January 9, 2012
2011 chiefs in (p)review part quatro: the coaching staff
As anyone who’s ever met me, or read this site, is well aware … I don’t tend to hold back. If I feel strongly about something, I lay it out there, regardless of the damage it might cause. Sometimes, that's a good thing. Sometimes, it incites people to storm out of the house after hearing something they don't want to hear. What can I say, it's a "gift".
So allow me to admit up front … that I am completely and totally confused as to how to believe about the hiring of Romeo Crennel as the 12th head coach in franchise history.
On the one hand, promoting from within rarely works. As the Star’s Randy Covitz noted a few weeks ago, since the merger, RAC is now the 62nd head coach promoted from within. Only 5 of the previous 61 have led the team that hired them to a Super Bowl victory – some dude named Don McCafferty with the 1970 Baltimore Colts (I’m guessing Johnny U had much more to do with that win than whoever the hell Don McCafferty was), John Madden with the 1976 raiders, Tom Flores with the 1980 and 1983 raiders, Bill Parcells with the 1986 and 1990 Giants, and George Seifert with the 1989 and 1994 49ers. While the odds are against this move resulting in the Chiefs being the last team to win a game in any given season … if you hit on the hire, you REALLY hit on the hire.
On the other hand, since the expansion of the postseason from five to six teams in 1990, there have been 17 in-house promotions … and while none of them has won the Lombardi Trophy for their franchise, 4 of them have at least played for it (99 Titans (Fisher), 01 Rams (Martz), 02 raiders (Callahan), 09 Colts (Caldwell)). And in three of those cases, it was an in-house hire on an already relatively successful team simply maintaining the course, a move that hiring Crennel channels.
On the one hand, Romeo Crennel was a spectacular failure in Cleveland in his only prior head coaching stint, winning 6, 4, 10, and then 4 games before being shown the door after his fourth year on the job.
On the other hand, the Browns have had two winning seasons since returning to the NFL in 1999 – the 2002 wildcard team that went 9-7 … and Crennel’s 2007 team that went 10-6, missing the playoffs on tiebreakers. And Crennel won 10 games with Derek Anderson under center, William Green as the featured back, and Mohammad Massaquoi as the primary receiving threat. To coach a team that limited on offense to 10 wins and the cusp of a playoff berth, indicates someone knows what they’re doing.
On the one hand, hiring Crennel and only guaranteeing him three years (and realistically, knowing he’s in it for four at the most), means the Chiefs will be right back in this spot after 2015 at the latest, and at that point will be hiring their 6th head coach in 16 years. You want to ensure your franchise is mediocre at best? Keep changing the head coach. If you look at the 10 most successful franchises since 2000, you’ll notice that they all tend to be stable on the sidelines:
* Patriots: Belichick since 2000.
* Steelers: Cowher to 2006 (retired); Tomlin 2007 onward.
* Ravens: Billick to 2007 (fired); Harbaugh 2008 onward.
* Colts: Dungy 2002-2008 (retired); Caldwell 2009 onward (for now).
* Giants: Fassel to 2003 (fired); Coughlin 2004 onward.
* Eagles: Reid since 1999.
* Packers: Sherman to 2005 (fired); McCarthy 2006 onward.
* Seahawks: Holmgren to 2008 (retired); Mora 2009 (fired); Carroll 2010 onward.
* Panthers: Fox to 2010 (fired); Rivera 2011 onward.
* Bears: Jauron to 2004 (fired); Smith 2005 onward.
Those ten teams represent 30 of the last 42 conference championship game berths. And if you want to include a team that “got it together” in the latter half of the 2000s and put the Saints in there (who’ve only had two coaches as well, Haslett to 2005 and Payton 2006 onward), as well as include an annual playoff contender that also has only had two coaches in that stretch, the Titans (Fisher to 2010, Munchek 2011 on), its 33 of 42 ... and twice Fisher lost at home in his first playoff game as the top overall seed. The numbers don’t lie – if you constantly are changing coaches every 2-3 years, you will NEVER attain success in the NFL.
On the other hand … isn’t this kind of a continuity kind of hire? RAC is who the players wanted. It’s clearly who the GM wanted. The owner obviously is OK with it. With Romeo in charge, the defense won’t change much, and the offense might finally get designated to someone with permission to completely oversee it, since the head coach won’t be constantly interfering.
Again, on the one hand, because of the three year contract and likely four year commitment, who we hire at one (or both) of the major coordinator positions is vitally important, because that person(s) represents your favorite(s) for the gig in 2016 if things go according to plan.
But on the other hand, isn’t that OK? I’m probably the only Chiefs fan alive who loves Herm Edwards … but even I wonder if things might have been better if Al Saunders, the logical replacement for Dick Vermeil, was given a crack at the head gig. What’s wrong with hiring your next two head coaches with this move, Crennel and his logical successor? Isn’t that what smart teams do, put a solid contingency plan into place and then stick to it?
At the end of the day, I’m totally torn on this hire. From a fan perspective, I hate it. We should have done better. Competent GM, solid talent base, down division, passionate fan base, owner who stays the hell out of the way -- if Romeo Crennel is the best this job can attract, then we are in far worse shape than I believe the Chiefs to be. (And I don’t think we’re in bad shape whatsoever; if anything, provided our key contributors come back to at least 90%ish of what they were, this is your 2011 AFC West prohibitive favorite.)
On the other hand, “settling” for Romeo Crennel isn’t a bad move. The last two head coaches the Browns fired that got a second chance in this league? Worked out pretty well for their next team. I don’t think the Patriots are upset whatsoever at giving Bill Belichick (technically) a third chance. (In case you forgot, Belichick “coached” the Jets for 38 hours after Parcells stepped down in early 2000, before deciding New England was a better job.)
And are Chiefs fans upset at giving Marty Schottenheimer the head job not even three weeks after the Browns (stupidly) overreacted to a wildcard loss and fired him? I know I’m not – without Carl and Marty, this team would be playing in Charlotte or Baltimore or (cringe) St. Louis right now.
Also, coaches who have the locker room’s unwavering support, tend to do well for a year or two, sometimes into year three. And go figure, Scott Pioli only signed Romeo to a three year contract. That’s smart thinking.
My biggest nagging issue with the hire isn’t Romeo himself. It’s with the man who hired him, Scott Pioli. If this is a move for continuity, to hold together the locker room, to signal to the players that “hey, ok, I get it, I blew it last time” and give them their guy? I’m fine with it, I truly am.
If this is a hire, however, that was made out of fear of failure? It is not going to end well. As Jack Dawson put it in “Titanic”: “when you’ve got nothing? You’ve got nothing to lose”. Scott Pioli had NOTHING to lose by this hire. If it works? He keeps his job long-term. If it bombs? He’s following Romeo out the door. Which is why I question why this move was made.
If you have nothing … you have nothing to lose. Was Pioli scared to take a risk after the Haley experiment failed? Was he scared to take a shot on an up-and-coming assistant for a second time? I mean, and boy does this pain me, broncos owner patrick j. bowlen, the “classless jackass” himself, wasn’t scared to double down on the “hot” assistant of the day 16 years ago. He hired Wade Phillips in 1993. Phillips was fired after 1994. bowlen decided to pursue THE hot coaching prospect at that time, the 49ers offensive coordinator. Some dude named … mike shanahan. Ask denver fans if they’re upset about “taking a chance” on another team’s hot assistant.
Ask Packers fans if they’re upset a decade later that Ted Thompson hired another 49ers offensive coordinator, Mike McCarthy, to replace Mike Sherman. Ask Saints fans if they’re upset that Mickey Loomis took a chance on Cowboys offensive coordinator Sean Payton. Or Cardinals fans about Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whizenhunt. Or hell – Steelers fans about Vikings defensive coordinator Mike Tomlin. This is what has me upset more than anything, and has me questioning the hire, is that I fully believe Scott Pioli is so scared of failing in this pick, that he opted for the safe play.
To put this into gambling terms, this is the equivalent of having a hard 11 against an ace … and choosing to just hit, rather than double down. No, it’s not a mistake. Yes, it can work. Yes, it might be the “smart” play. And yes, if you double that 11 and get anything other than a 8, 9, 10 or a face, you’re probably in deep trouble.
But you know what? 8, 9, 10, J, K, Q is nearly half the deck. You’ve got about a 44% chance of pulling a card that at worst gets you a draw. And basically a 25% shot of drawing a card that ensures you can’t lose, and that the dealer has to have an epic draw to push against. The Chiefs today hit their 11 against an ace. It might work. But it’s not the move I would have made.
So, the question now becomes, with Romeo on board, who fills the next three key coaching slots. Offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator, special teams coach.
We know at least two of the three will change – Romeo has been promoted from DC, there’s no way Bill Muir returns as OC, and the jury’s out on Steve Hoffman as ST guru.
As you might expect, I have my opinions on each job. What you might not expect … is who I support for at least one of the positions. First up …
Special Teams: Steve Hoffman has done a credible, decent job in his three years on the job. The coverage units aren’t as good as they should be, but for God’s sake, you cannot question his job with the kicking specialists. Dusty C might be the third best punter in the division … and the third best punter in the league. When you’ve got Mike Scifres and shane lechler ahead of you, it’s tough to break through. (To say nothing of arguably the worst punter in the division being the 4th best punter in the league, in Dusty C’s brother britton in denver.) And good Lord, you take a kid 256th in the draft, give him the job on Opening Day … and he winds up setting the franchise record for most consecutive made field goals in his second season? That’s some tremendous coaching.
Yes, the return units need some work, but they were rock solid in 2009 and 2010 when Hoffman had training camp and a full offseason to work through the issues. I would RETAIN Steve Hoffman as special teams coach for another season, and I would probably extend his contract to last at least as long as mine if I was Romeo Crennel.
Defensive Coordinator: the Chiefs have two rock solid options in-house if they choose to promote from within, in former OU head coach and Saints DC Gary Gibbs (currently our LB’s coach), and secondary coach Emmitt Thomas (was DC for Philly 1995-1998, Packers in 1999, Vikings in 2000-2001, and Falcons from 2002-2009. Playoff berths in those 15 seasons? 6. Not too shabby). The rumor mill has been going crazy that Romeo and Pioli are hot after Jaguars interim head coach and defensive coordinator Mel Tucker, a move I don’t oppose at all.
There’s also the option of Romeo remaining as DC in addition to his head coaching duties (which I strongly oppose), and my belief that the interview last week with Jack Del Rio was to see if he and Romeo could co-exist on that side of the ball (with Del Rio as a possible head-coach-in-waiting).
None of those are the answer.
The defensive staff is rock solid, and really doesn’t need any major replacements. There’s no Tim Krumrie “how the hell does THIS dude have a job?!?!” obvious need to fire’s on this staff anymore.
I believe the answer is with a coach who believes in the 3-4, who (I think this is correct) has a contract about to expire, has solid head-coaching credentials in case he’s the head-coach-in-waiting (this dude went 3-4 with the Bills in 2009 as interim head coach; they were 1-8 when they hired him) … and he’s got his team once again still alive in the divisional round of the postseason.
To get him, if I’m wrong about him being a free agent coach, we’d have to offer him an assistant head coach position, and possibly trade a late round draft pick … but if you believe in this guy like I do, it’s worth the cost.
The guy I’d pursue … is Giants DC Perry Fewell.
If you watched the last few weeks, he’s put on a CLINIC of how to coach defense in this league. He made the Jets look hapless, the Cowboys look hopeless, and the Falcons offense managed zero points in a playoff game in which they won the time of possession and yardage statistics. His background is with the secondary, which is perfect, since Emmitt Thomas is at most 2 years away from retirement. You leave Gary Gibbs alone to keep improving the linebacking corps, leave Thomas in place in the secondary (the job he did this year was nothing short of a miracle), and if you want to replace Anthony Pleasant on the DL, fine … but please, don’t call Tim Krumrie, that’s all I ask.
Plus, Fewell is a perfect HCIW (head coach in waiting, for the acronym challenged). He has experience running a team. He got a 1-8 Bills team to basically play .500 ball for him. I love this prospective hire, even if it a little surprising.
(For the record, my guess is Gary Gibbs is promoted to DC, which I’m perfectly fine with. He’s a competent quality coach who won’t screw things up. You need those throughout your staff.)
But if Fewell is out of left field … well, I’m not sure there’s a field to describe what I think we should hire as …
Offensive Coordinator: let me state up front, this will never happen. But its my post, its my site, I’m typing up who I want as our offensive coordinator. (Slash offensive line coach. What? If Bill Muir can “pull off” the double duty, I KNOW this guy can.)
And I’m not going to run through a list of potentials like I just did on the defensive side of the ball. There’s one man I want overseeing our offensive gameplan and offensive line next year. It’s the same guy I wanted us to hire in 2009 when Haley arrived, 2010 when Weis arrived, and last year when Muir ascended to the job. He’s one of the brightest offensive minds the League has seen in the last twenty years. He’s also a horrendous head coach who will NEVER get another shot at running his own team, which is ideal, believe it or not! The Chiefs will be hiring their 5th offensive coordinator in 4 years. We need stability at the position, someone who isn’t an up-and-coming coaching prospect, but someone who’ll be in the chair for 4, 5, 6 years, and not bolt for the next great thing. We need another Al Saunders, another Paul Hackett.
Or in this case, a man affectionately known on this site as “Sur” William Callahan.
Bill Callahan, currently the Jets offensive line coach, formerly the head coach of the oakland raiders and Nebraska Cornhuskers.
There are a lot of qualified assistants out there waiting for their big break. Callahan already got his – in 2002 with the raiders, when he managed to not screw things up, and got the remnants of the team Jon Gruden built to the Super Bowl. And when the floor collapsed in 2003, he packed up and went to Nebraska … where he promptly took said floor collapse, and made sure the foundation, plumbing, and wiring were all sub-code as well.
But his lack of success as a head coach, doesn’t hide his tremendous upside as an offensive coordinator. The issues with his Huskers teams were NEVER the offense. It was the defense. As OC? Doesn’t have to worry one damned bit about the defense. As Gruden’s OC in oakland, all they did was completely redefine the West Coast Offense as it existed, turning Dick Gannon into a NFL MVP despite his inability to throw a ball 11 yards down the field. As his own playcaller in Lincoln, he completely overhauled the Huskers offense, attaining a level of success so amazingly incredible that when Dr. Tom cleaned house and brought in Bo Pelini to right the ship? Pelini kept the entire offensive staff in place. Bo Pelini might be mentally unstable, but he’s not stupid. You don’t screw with what works. And Bill Callahan’s offensive system works.
To get Callahan, all we’d have to do is offer him the job. He’s currently the Jets offensive line coach (although if Brian Schottenheimer is not retained, Callahan is the favorite for the Jets’ OC job). Make the offer. Get Callahan in here. The guy has found a way to help top ten offenses with Rich Gannon, Marques Tuaisosopu, and Mark Sanchez under center. He actually lost two games at Nebraska despite topping 50 points. The guy is a horrendous head coach.
But he’s the best available offensive coordinator on the market. Go get him Chiefs. Go get him!
Coming (hopefully) tomorrow, part five: free agency and (possibly) the draft. If you resign yourself to Cassel (or Orton) being under center next September 10th, then the primary focus for one or the other has to be offensive tackle. And since I believe spending a first round pick on an offensive lineman is just about the stupidest thing a franchise can do, that means Clark Hunt needs to open the checkbook in free agency. Thankfully, the new CBA requires him to do that, to a healthy multi-million dollar tune this offseason, just to get the Chiefs within sight of the 95% floor threshold …
So allow me to admit up front … that I am completely and totally confused as to how to believe about the hiring of Romeo Crennel as the 12th head coach in franchise history.
On the one hand, promoting from within rarely works. As the Star’s Randy Covitz noted a few weeks ago, since the merger, RAC is now the 62nd head coach promoted from within. Only 5 of the previous 61 have led the team that hired them to a Super Bowl victory – some dude named Don McCafferty with the 1970 Baltimore Colts (I’m guessing Johnny U had much more to do with that win than whoever the hell Don McCafferty was), John Madden with the 1976 raiders, Tom Flores with the 1980 and 1983 raiders, Bill Parcells with the 1986 and 1990 Giants, and George Seifert with the 1989 and 1994 49ers. While the odds are against this move resulting in the Chiefs being the last team to win a game in any given season … if you hit on the hire, you REALLY hit on the hire.
On the other hand, since the expansion of the postseason from five to six teams in 1990, there have been 17 in-house promotions … and while none of them has won the Lombardi Trophy for their franchise, 4 of them have at least played for it (99 Titans (Fisher), 01 Rams (Martz), 02 raiders (Callahan), 09 Colts (Caldwell)). And in three of those cases, it was an in-house hire on an already relatively successful team simply maintaining the course, a move that hiring Crennel channels.
On the one hand, Romeo Crennel was a spectacular failure in Cleveland in his only prior head coaching stint, winning 6, 4, 10, and then 4 games before being shown the door after his fourth year on the job.
On the other hand, the Browns have had two winning seasons since returning to the NFL in 1999 – the 2002 wildcard team that went 9-7 … and Crennel’s 2007 team that went 10-6, missing the playoffs on tiebreakers. And Crennel won 10 games with Derek Anderson under center, William Green as the featured back, and Mohammad Massaquoi as the primary receiving threat. To coach a team that limited on offense to 10 wins and the cusp of a playoff berth, indicates someone knows what they’re doing.
On the one hand, hiring Crennel and only guaranteeing him three years (and realistically, knowing he’s in it for four at the most), means the Chiefs will be right back in this spot after 2015 at the latest, and at that point will be hiring their 6th head coach in 16 years. You want to ensure your franchise is mediocre at best? Keep changing the head coach. If you look at the 10 most successful franchises since 2000, you’ll notice that they all tend to be stable on the sidelines:
* Patriots: Belichick since 2000.
* Steelers: Cowher to 2006 (retired); Tomlin 2007 onward.
* Ravens: Billick to 2007 (fired); Harbaugh 2008 onward.
* Colts: Dungy 2002-2008 (retired); Caldwell 2009 onward (for now).
* Giants: Fassel to 2003 (fired); Coughlin 2004 onward.
* Eagles: Reid since 1999.
* Packers: Sherman to 2005 (fired); McCarthy 2006 onward.
* Seahawks: Holmgren to 2008 (retired); Mora 2009 (fired); Carroll 2010 onward.
* Panthers: Fox to 2010 (fired); Rivera 2011 onward.
* Bears: Jauron to 2004 (fired); Smith 2005 onward.
Those ten teams represent 30 of the last 42 conference championship game berths. And if you want to include a team that “got it together” in the latter half of the 2000s and put the Saints in there (who’ve only had two coaches as well, Haslett to 2005 and Payton 2006 onward), as well as include an annual playoff contender that also has only had two coaches in that stretch, the Titans (Fisher to 2010, Munchek 2011 on), its 33 of 42 ... and twice Fisher lost at home in his first playoff game as the top overall seed. The numbers don’t lie – if you constantly are changing coaches every 2-3 years, you will NEVER attain success in the NFL.
On the other hand … isn’t this kind of a continuity kind of hire? RAC is who the players wanted. It’s clearly who the GM wanted. The owner obviously is OK with it. With Romeo in charge, the defense won’t change much, and the offense might finally get designated to someone with permission to completely oversee it, since the head coach won’t be constantly interfering.
Again, on the one hand, because of the three year contract and likely four year commitment, who we hire at one (or both) of the major coordinator positions is vitally important, because that person(s) represents your favorite(s) for the gig in 2016 if things go according to plan.
But on the other hand, isn’t that OK? I’m probably the only Chiefs fan alive who loves Herm Edwards … but even I wonder if things might have been better if Al Saunders, the logical replacement for Dick Vermeil, was given a crack at the head gig. What’s wrong with hiring your next two head coaches with this move, Crennel and his logical successor? Isn’t that what smart teams do, put a solid contingency plan into place and then stick to it?
At the end of the day, I’m totally torn on this hire. From a fan perspective, I hate it. We should have done better. Competent GM, solid talent base, down division, passionate fan base, owner who stays the hell out of the way -- if Romeo Crennel is the best this job can attract, then we are in far worse shape than I believe the Chiefs to be. (And I don’t think we’re in bad shape whatsoever; if anything, provided our key contributors come back to at least 90%ish of what they were, this is your 2011 AFC West prohibitive favorite.)
On the other hand, “settling” for Romeo Crennel isn’t a bad move. The last two head coaches the Browns fired that got a second chance in this league? Worked out pretty well for their next team. I don’t think the Patriots are upset whatsoever at giving Bill Belichick (technically) a third chance. (In case you forgot, Belichick “coached” the Jets for 38 hours after Parcells stepped down in early 2000, before deciding New England was a better job.)
And are Chiefs fans upset at giving Marty Schottenheimer the head job not even three weeks after the Browns (stupidly) overreacted to a wildcard loss and fired him? I know I’m not – without Carl and Marty, this team would be playing in Charlotte or Baltimore or (cringe) St. Louis right now.
Also, coaches who have the locker room’s unwavering support, tend to do well for a year or two, sometimes into year three. And go figure, Scott Pioli only signed Romeo to a three year contract. That’s smart thinking.
My biggest nagging issue with the hire isn’t Romeo himself. It’s with the man who hired him, Scott Pioli. If this is a move for continuity, to hold together the locker room, to signal to the players that “hey, ok, I get it, I blew it last time” and give them their guy? I’m fine with it, I truly am.
If this is a hire, however, that was made out of fear of failure? It is not going to end well. As Jack Dawson put it in “Titanic”: “when you’ve got nothing? You’ve got nothing to lose”. Scott Pioli had NOTHING to lose by this hire. If it works? He keeps his job long-term. If it bombs? He’s following Romeo out the door. Which is why I question why this move was made.
If you have nothing … you have nothing to lose. Was Pioli scared to take a risk after the Haley experiment failed? Was he scared to take a shot on an up-and-coming assistant for a second time? I mean, and boy does this pain me, broncos owner patrick j. bowlen, the “classless jackass” himself, wasn’t scared to double down on the “hot” assistant of the day 16 years ago. He hired Wade Phillips in 1993. Phillips was fired after 1994. bowlen decided to pursue THE hot coaching prospect at that time, the 49ers offensive coordinator. Some dude named … mike shanahan. Ask denver fans if they’re upset about “taking a chance” on another team’s hot assistant.
Ask Packers fans if they’re upset a decade later that Ted Thompson hired another 49ers offensive coordinator, Mike McCarthy, to replace Mike Sherman. Ask Saints fans if they’re upset that Mickey Loomis took a chance on Cowboys offensive coordinator Sean Payton. Or Cardinals fans about Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whizenhunt. Or hell – Steelers fans about Vikings defensive coordinator Mike Tomlin. This is what has me upset more than anything, and has me questioning the hire, is that I fully believe Scott Pioli is so scared of failing in this pick, that he opted for the safe play.
To put this into gambling terms, this is the equivalent of having a hard 11 against an ace … and choosing to just hit, rather than double down. No, it’s not a mistake. Yes, it can work. Yes, it might be the “smart” play. And yes, if you double that 11 and get anything other than a 8, 9, 10 or a face, you’re probably in deep trouble.
But you know what? 8, 9, 10, J, K, Q is nearly half the deck. You’ve got about a 44% chance of pulling a card that at worst gets you a draw. And basically a 25% shot of drawing a card that ensures you can’t lose, and that the dealer has to have an epic draw to push against. The Chiefs today hit their 11 against an ace. It might work. But it’s not the move I would have made.
So, the question now becomes, with Romeo on board, who fills the next three key coaching slots. Offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator, special teams coach.
We know at least two of the three will change – Romeo has been promoted from DC, there’s no way Bill Muir returns as OC, and the jury’s out on Steve Hoffman as ST guru.
As you might expect, I have my opinions on each job. What you might not expect … is who I support for at least one of the positions. First up …
Special Teams: Steve Hoffman has done a credible, decent job in his three years on the job. The coverage units aren’t as good as they should be, but for God’s sake, you cannot question his job with the kicking specialists. Dusty C might be the third best punter in the division … and the third best punter in the league. When you’ve got Mike Scifres and shane lechler ahead of you, it’s tough to break through. (To say nothing of arguably the worst punter in the division being the 4th best punter in the league, in Dusty C’s brother britton in denver.) And good Lord, you take a kid 256th in the draft, give him the job on Opening Day … and he winds up setting the franchise record for most consecutive made field goals in his second season? That’s some tremendous coaching.
Yes, the return units need some work, but they were rock solid in 2009 and 2010 when Hoffman had training camp and a full offseason to work through the issues. I would RETAIN Steve Hoffman as special teams coach for another season, and I would probably extend his contract to last at least as long as mine if I was Romeo Crennel.
Defensive Coordinator: the Chiefs have two rock solid options in-house if they choose to promote from within, in former OU head coach and Saints DC Gary Gibbs (currently our LB’s coach), and secondary coach Emmitt Thomas (was DC for Philly 1995-1998, Packers in 1999, Vikings in 2000-2001, and Falcons from 2002-2009. Playoff berths in those 15 seasons? 6. Not too shabby). The rumor mill has been going crazy that Romeo and Pioli are hot after Jaguars interim head coach and defensive coordinator Mel Tucker, a move I don’t oppose at all.
There’s also the option of Romeo remaining as DC in addition to his head coaching duties (which I strongly oppose), and my belief that the interview last week with Jack Del Rio was to see if he and Romeo could co-exist on that side of the ball (with Del Rio as a possible head-coach-in-waiting).
None of those are the answer.
The defensive staff is rock solid, and really doesn’t need any major replacements. There’s no Tim Krumrie “how the hell does THIS dude have a job?!?!” obvious need to fire’s on this staff anymore.
I believe the answer is with a coach who believes in the 3-4, who (I think this is correct) has a contract about to expire, has solid head-coaching credentials in case he’s the head-coach-in-waiting (this dude went 3-4 with the Bills in 2009 as interim head coach; they were 1-8 when they hired him) … and he’s got his team once again still alive in the divisional round of the postseason.
To get him, if I’m wrong about him being a free agent coach, we’d have to offer him an assistant head coach position, and possibly trade a late round draft pick … but if you believe in this guy like I do, it’s worth the cost.
The guy I’d pursue … is Giants DC Perry Fewell.
If you watched the last few weeks, he’s put on a CLINIC of how to coach defense in this league. He made the Jets look hapless, the Cowboys look hopeless, and the Falcons offense managed zero points in a playoff game in which they won the time of possession and yardage statistics. His background is with the secondary, which is perfect, since Emmitt Thomas is at most 2 years away from retirement. You leave Gary Gibbs alone to keep improving the linebacking corps, leave Thomas in place in the secondary (the job he did this year was nothing short of a miracle), and if you want to replace Anthony Pleasant on the DL, fine … but please, don’t call Tim Krumrie, that’s all I ask.
Plus, Fewell is a perfect HCIW (head coach in waiting, for the acronym challenged). He has experience running a team. He got a 1-8 Bills team to basically play .500 ball for him. I love this prospective hire, even if it a little surprising.
(For the record, my guess is Gary Gibbs is promoted to DC, which I’m perfectly fine with. He’s a competent quality coach who won’t screw things up. You need those throughout your staff.)
But if Fewell is out of left field … well, I’m not sure there’s a field to describe what I think we should hire as …
Offensive Coordinator: let me state up front, this will never happen. But its my post, its my site, I’m typing up who I want as our offensive coordinator. (Slash offensive line coach. What? If Bill Muir can “pull off” the double duty, I KNOW this guy can.)
And I’m not going to run through a list of potentials like I just did on the defensive side of the ball. There’s one man I want overseeing our offensive gameplan and offensive line next year. It’s the same guy I wanted us to hire in 2009 when Haley arrived, 2010 when Weis arrived, and last year when Muir ascended to the job. He’s one of the brightest offensive minds the League has seen in the last twenty years. He’s also a horrendous head coach who will NEVER get another shot at running his own team, which is ideal, believe it or not! The Chiefs will be hiring their 5th offensive coordinator in 4 years. We need stability at the position, someone who isn’t an up-and-coming coaching prospect, but someone who’ll be in the chair for 4, 5, 6 years, and not bolt for the next great thing. We need another Al Saunders, another Paul Hackett.
Or in this case, a man affectionately known on this site as “Sur” William Callahan.
Bill Callahan, currently the Jets offensive line coach, formerly the head coach of the oakland raiders and Nebraska Cornhuskers.
There are a lot of qualified assistants out there waiting for their big break. Callahan already got his – in 2002 with the raiders, when he managed to not screw things up, and got the remnants of the team Jon Gruden built to the Super Bowl. And when the floor collapsed in 2003, he packed up and went to Nebraska … where he promptly took said floor collapse, and made sure the foundation, plumbing, and wiring were all sub-code as well.
But his lack of success as a head coach, doesn’t hide his tremendous upside as an offensive coordinator. The issues with his Huskers teams were NEVER the offense. It was the defense. As OC? Doesn’t have to worry one damned bit about the defense. As Gruden’s OC in oakland, all they did was completely redefine the West Coast Offense as it existed, turning Dick Gannon into a NFL MVP despite his inability to throw a ball 11 yards down the field. As his own playcaller in Lincoln, he completely overhauled the Huskers offense, attaining a level of success so amazingly incredible that when Dr. Tom cleaned house and brought in Bo Pelini to right the ship? Pelini kept the entire offensive staff in place. Bo Pelini might be mentally unstable, but he’s not stupid. You don’t screw with what works. And Bill Callahan’s offensive system works.
To get Callahan, all we’d have to do is offer him the job. He’s currently the Jets offensive line coach (although if Brian Schottenheimer is not retained, Callahan is the favorite for the Jets’ OC job). Make the offer. Get Callahan in here. The guy has found a way to help top ten offenses with Rich Gannon, Marques Tuaisosopu, and Mark Sanchez under center. He actually lost two games at Nebraska despite topping 50 points. The guy is a horrendous head coach.
But he’s the best available offensive coordinator on the market. Go get him Chiefs. Go get him!
Coming (hopefully) tomorrow, part five: free agency and (possibly) the draft. If you resign yourself to Cassel (or Orton) being under center next September 10th, then the primary focus for one or the other has to be offensive tackle. And since I believe spending a first round pick on an offensive lineman is just about the stupidest thing a franchise can do, that means Clark Hunt needs to open the checkbook in free agency. Thankfully, the new CBA requires him to do that, to a healthy multi-million dollar tune this offseason, just to get the Chiefs within sight of the 95% floor threshold …
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)