Tuesday, January 31, 2012

stevo answers his "fans"

* “Stevo, please don’t take this the wrong way … but sometimes, people have to be told things they don’t want to hear. It’s called tough love.” -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

Uuh, I don’t like where this is headed, especially since the last time I tried this, I was called a "dipsh*t", an "assh*le", a "mother f*cker", and told that if I saw said person again, he'd "beat my ass into a coma" …

“So Stevo, while I commend you on your attempts to diversify what you post about, I mean, milking five printed pages on what’s on your iPod is creative genius amigo! But please, I’m begging you, as a friend, as a former roommate, as your appointed “Voice of Reason”, please … will you give us a godd*mned fake mailbag already! It’s been nearly a full year since you last hauled one out!” – still Gregg G, still Bonner Springs.

Can it be true? Has it really been a full calendar year since I last did one of these? The answer tragically is “yes”. The last mailbag I did was on April 1st and no, that is not an April Fools Day joke. As always, these are “real queries” from “real readers” of this site.

Did you have a query, “Gregg G”?

* “Yes, I do. If you’re going to go old-school, which I totally love by the way, then please, go all out! We need a classic “Tale of the Tape”, Nick Bakay style!” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

You know what? As usual, “The Voice of Reason” is right. So in honor of what figures to be KU’s final trip to Allen Field House East … excuse me, The Plaige … excuse me, the … uuh, what the hell do you people call that place nowadays? It changes names so often that I can’t keep up. Mizzou Arena? Thanks. Since this figures to be KU’s final trip to Mizzou Arena, let’s do the first of (hopefully) four final meetings as conference rivals right, breaking down who’s got the advantage headed into Saturday using the tried and true “Tale of the Tape”!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old dude who possibly has broadcast a game while lit like a Christmas tree:
KU – Max Falkenstein.
MU – Gary Link.
Advantage: push. Anytime drunken old people are given an uncensored microphone, good things happen. See Globes, Golden; Awards, SAG. (Seriously, how EPIC was Tina Fey and Melissa McCarthy chugging shots for each mention of Marty Scorsese’s name? And how awesome was it that some later presenter just randomly said “Scorsese” to lead a round of shots with the audience? The lesson? As always, you can never go wrong with monkeys and midgets. No, wait, it’s that you can never go wrong with giving an intoxicated person an uncensored mic.)

Person who current gymnasium was originally named after:
KU – Phog Allen, a Naismith Hall of Fame player and coach who won two national championships and took Dr. Naismith’s original ideas for the game and improved them. (Such as using buckets with no bottom, to allow easier retrieval of the ball).
MU – Paige Laurie, who admitted to academic fraud while an undergrad at USC.
Advantage: KU. Paige, sorry honey, I have to do it. (stevo at arrowhead after a penalty on the opposition voice) Cheater! Cheater! Dirty f*cking cheater!!!

Most Significant Off Court Achievement by a former player:
KU – Wilt Chamberlain having in excess of 20,000 sexual partners in his lifetime.
MU – Ricky Clemons offending half the state of Missouri and the entire alumni base by calling white people “crackers”, and crashing an ATV on the chancellor’s grounds while under the influence of alcohol and possibly a controlled substance. Mr. Clemons was on probation for numerous other legal issues at the time of his drunken ATV ride.
Advantage: Mizzou. I mean, 20,000 women is one helluva respectable achievement … but come on, drunken stoned ATV ride! Who doesn’t want to be in Ricky Clemons position at that point! Especially since after about partner 13,286, I’d be exhausted. And broke from constantly having to replentish the stash of KY and Lifestyles.

Annoying Animal that Student Body Dresses Up As to Taunt Opposition:
KU – a penguin.
MU – any animal with antlers.
Advantage: Mizzou. The penguin isn’t that intimidating. And probably isn’t wanted in two states and five counties for a variety of local and state offenses.

Big XII Championships:
KU – 11, including seven straight.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas.

Final Four Appearances:
KU – 13, including three in the last ten years.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas. But look on the bright side, Tigers fans – if BYU continues its midseason fade, you can close to within one for the all time record for most seasons in the tournament without reaching the Final Four this year!!! (MU currently trails BYU 26-24.)

Former Coach Who Can Be Legitimately Accused of Coaching Under the Influence:
KU – Ted Owens.
MU – Quin Snyder.
Advantage: Mizzou. Coke trumps grain alcohol. Provided a half-naked secretary performing, uuh, “party favors” while snorting is involved.

Endearing to the Fanbase Chant that Pisses Off Every Other School.
KU – Rock Chalk Jayhawk, KU!
MU – MIZ! ZOU!
Advantage: MU. When coupled with “SEC! SEC!”, the Tigers fans are truly unbearable after a Mizzou win.

Worthless African American Twins to Suit Up for Each Squad:
KU – the Morii, Markieff and Marcus.
MU – the Haley’s, Sally and something.
Advantage: push. We are ALL losers here for having watched them play.

Finally … Best Postgame Interview By a Former Head Coach Regarding the Reality of the Situation:
KU – Roy Williams, after losing to Syracuse in the National Championship game, telling Bonnie Bernstein of CBS Sports that “I don’t give a shit” regarding rumors of his leaving to take the North Carolina job (which he would do).
MU – Norm Stewart, after losing to KU in Lawrence in 1998, as the fans chanted “NIT! NIT!” at Mizzou as they left the court. Coach’s response when asked what he thought of the taunt / insult? “Christ, we aren’t good enough for the NIT”. Mizzou would not participate in any postseason tournament that season.
Advantage: MU. There’s comedy, there’s hysterical comedy, and then there’s a Norm Stewart press conference. Plus “Christ” is the stronger expletive, depending on your view of religion. I really miss Norm. I hope he’s still getting a lot of use out of that rocking chair KU graciously gave him upon his retirement.

So there you have it. When you break down the intangibles … MU wins 5-3, with 2 pushes. And that’s pretty much what I expect to occur on Saturday. I’ll take the Tigers 81-72 in a game that plays out exactly like KU’s game in Ames did: tied at the under four, and MU hits every damned free throw down the stretch to pull away.

* “Come on, where’s the PSA? Where’s the PSA for Mizzou fan?” – Heath C, Harrisonville.

True. Mizzou fan, WHEN you win on Saturday, and you will, ACT like you’re the favorite (which you are). ACT like you’re the more talented team (which you are). ACT like you’re the higher ranked team (which you are) with fewer losses (which you are), and the home court advantage (which you have). If Tiger fan storms the court Saturday night, the Big XII had better fine the shit out of the Mizzou athletic department for endangerment to lives.

On second thought, given what Chuck Nienas said this week regarding Mizzou, uuh, storm away! I guarantee you Mr. Nienas is anxiously awaiting a record setting fine to be handed down on Monday against the Mizzou student body and athletic department for conduct unbecoming of a top five program (which Mizzou is).

* “Congratulations on your spectacularly sage prognostication of predicting the denver broncos would make the playoffs! Thanks Steve!” – Kellie J, KCK.

Godd*mned blocked field goal from 48 yards – twice! – against oakland …

* “You think you’ve had a rough year? My wife flies her broncos flag proudly every game day Sunday. The next time you think you’re having a bad gameday? Remember me. And cry.” – Dusty J, KCK.

Cry? Hell, the last time I pulled into your driveway and saw that piece of should-be-toilet-paper flying from the flagstick, I nearly hit the gas and hit it at full ramming speed. The lesson? As always, when it comes to the denver broncos, I lose all sense of rationale and reason.

* “NO! You CANNOT abandon the President! Come on Stevo, you’re the one ally I have here in the reddest of the red states!!!” – Brett H, Harrisonville.

I’m not abandoning Obama. Hell, it’s still 50/50 I’ll vote for him. (As always, I will not officially endorse a candidate until after the Democratic Convention finishes during the first week in September … and this year, said coveted Stevo Official Endorsement might have to wade through a few debates before I figure out which less-than-attractive-candidate to swallow hard and vote for.)

I just thought his SOTU speech was disgraceful. Especially since the one unquestioned success (albeit a moderate one that needs some adjusting … and albeit, a success only in my eyes apparently) this administration has had, finally beginning to deal with health care costs, got one throw-away line. If you aren’t willing to run on your record, then why the hell are you running?

* “OK, ok, I’ve finally got it. I know what’s gonna rope you into a summer trip to the greatest city in America. Ready?” – Brooke B, Milwaukee.

Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. What reason is that, couz?

* “Guess who’s performing on July 4th at Summerfest!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.

Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. Who’s performing on our nation’s 235th birthday?

* “Neil! Diamond!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.

Sweet f*cking Jesus! Neil Diamond, on the 4th, in concert?!?! Hang on, I’m about to pass out at the possibility of FINALLY crossing “see Neil Diamond in concert” off the bucket list … and having him sing “The Jazz Singer” ON JULY FOURTH! LIVE! (stevo hitting the ground in utter shock). Giggity!

* “OK, you must have something to say regarding what the Chiefs should do at QB. Come on. We count on you to be our “overreact to everything Chiefs related” blogger! I mean … uuh … keep up the good work?” – Damien J, Midtown.

Here’s the big “if”, and yes, it’s a biggie, and I understand going into it that the odds of it happening are roughly the odds of me having sex tonight without having to drive down to Independence Avenue, rent a sleazy motel room for an hour … ok fine, five minutes … and pay the lady for the privilege of experiencing the greatness that is Stevo. Cue your (rimshot!) here.

Here’s what I’m looking at. The Vikings have already publically said they want to trade out of the three hole. IF you figure Luck goes at one, and IF come draft day, the Rams stay in the second slot and take Justin Blackmon from Oklahoma State … uum, well, here’s the question.

Would you trade this year’s number one (either 11 or 12 overall), next year’s number one (likely to be in the low 20s as things stand right now, in my opinion), and swap a few later round picks to make the math work, to move up to three at that moment and take Robert Griffin III?

Ooh, didn’t see that one coming, did ya? Look it, my preference is to swallow hard, deal with Cassel for another year, rely on a heavy ball-control offense, squeeze out a 10-6 division title, and then go all in next spring for Aaron Murray of Georgia or Matt Barkley of USC. But – BUT! – if come about 6:25pm CT on Day One, Griffin is still there, the Vikings are on the clock … do you make the call? Do you spend two first round picks (and probably a 2nd either this year or next) to get “your guy” if you think he’s “the guy”? Or do you swallow hard, cross your fingers, hope Jamaal Charles comes back healthy, and you can return to the ball control / conservative passing game that won you the division last year (and despite it all, was one missed field goal away from winning it again this year)?

I honestly don’t know. Chiefs fans, the comments section is yours to voice your opinion. Whatever said opinion might be.

* “Really? The only movie you saw in a theater all year was the “Footloose” remake? Lame.” – Vineet T, Queens.

To think it was only 14 short years ago that we were stopping in at the Grand every Friday from like mid January to April, to see “Titanic” again. Wait, did I just say that out loud?!?!

* “I wub you Unca Teve!” – Ayden K, Shawnee.

Awww. At least someone does. Did you have a question?

* “Yeah. Teve? Will you watch Wescue Hewoes with me?” – still Ayden K, still Shawnee.

(stevo bashing his head against the window sill …) Sure buddy. Why not.

* “It wasn’t that long ago I was bashing your head against that window sill!” – Drew K, Shawnee.

I know – I still have the scar by my left eye to prove it. Your query?

* “Oh, yeah. Uum … how sweet was BJ’s coming out party on Saturday? To drop not one, not two, but ELEVEN three pointers on the Lakers as the Bucks win in a rout! Awesome stuff!” – still Drew K, still Shawnee.

Hell yes it was. It figures – this was THE weekend I had circled to make a quick getaway to Milwaukee, see the cousin and her husband, and catch a game. I mean, I gotta see Kobe in person once before he retires. You should ALWAYS find a way to see the greatest of the great at least once. (Why the hell do you think I made trips to St. Louis for years to see Sosa, McGwire, Bonds, and the rest of the National Leaguers?) Go figure, work got in the way … but man, what I wouldn’t have given to have been there to witness it in person.

* “So wait, you’re willing to fly now?” – Kristin L, Atlanta.

Ever since your wedding, yes. Its amazing how easily your fear of heights and flying can disappear when you combine a couple shots of vodka with four Benadryls about five minutes before boarding, and then cue up your iTunes to play a steady stream of “NCIS” episodes you’ve seen 15,293 times already to finally knock you out.

* “You mentioned a bucket list already twice in this mailbag” – Brent S, somewhere in Johnson County.

Wait, you could read this before I posted it? My GOD! Psychic! Anyways, your point?

* “Uuh, yeah. Anyways, any goals or dreams for this year? Gotta have something to aim for, right?” – still Brent S, still somewhere in Johnson County.

Well, you’re aiming higher than me, and congratulations by the way, in case I haven’t said it before. Christ, what is it with girls named Ashley always winding up getting married every summer? My brother’s wife in 2005. Gregg’s wife in 2007. Another friend in 2009. Now you AND my friend Novacek this summer. I swear, if DJ had married someone named Ashley, I wouldn’t have known how to react. I might have gone screaming out of the bar or something.

Anyways, yes, I have five things I want to do this year. In no particular order …

1. (cue “the rock” voice) FINALLY, Stevo has come BACK … to Indianapolis!!! I haven’t been to the Brickyard since 2006, I haven’t been to the 500 since 2008. I need to go back. For at least one of them. Preferably the 500, it’s the better event and has the travel day built in. But after four years away, it’s time to get a roadie organized. Speaking of getting a roadie organized …

2. Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Don’t care where it falls on the schedule, I need to be there. The seashell I have on my desk at work from my last trip to Tampa needs a playmate.

3. I’m not completely naïve – I know this is likely the last summer of the “carefree life as I know it”. My brother and “The Voice of Reason” both are parents now. Brent gets married this summer. DJ and Kellie won’t wait forever to procreate. And it’s been five years since Transamerica shut us down and kicked us to the curb. So if 2012 is the last great summer of my youth … ok fine, early middle age, then dammit, I’m gonna enjoy the hell out of it. And part of that might entail …

4. I want to meet “My Kind of Crazy”. Maybe I already know them, maybe I don’t, but in the words of Jimmy Chitwood, “I figure it’s time I start playing ball”. No, wait, I mean, I’m 35 now. It’s probably time to get serious about finding someone to share this life with, as opposed to share a night with. And along those lines …

5. June 23rd, my folks will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. That’s insane. I can’t even imagine knowing someone for 40 years, let alone sharing a checking account with them. So needless to say, my brother and I have one HELLUVA bash to get to work on. (And in the words of the late, great Senator Kennedy, “you can bet your ass” my Uncle Bill will be involved in any and all planning and details. Because no party is complete without the “straight out of the bottle, or out of the tin cup” decision.)

That a good list?

* “A great one Stevo! But you forgot one – when is (insert ounce here) gonna be? I vote for the Sporting KC game again, I had a blast!” – Megan K, City Market.

Agreed on all counts. Sporting KC is home the first three Saturdays in August. One of those is HIGHLY LIKELY to be this year’s … let’s see, carry the one … carry the three … 455,001st ounce tailgate! Last year’s was a perfect day in my book – the day began with me seeing my nieces baptized … and ended by playing washers on a 106 degree day. It was so freaking hot the sandwich tray I ordered literally melted. Uum, can we have that again please? Although fine, if the temp wants to cap in the high 90s, I’m fine with that. See, I’m getting tolerant of other views in my “middle age”.

* “455,001? I quit.” – Steve’s liver, South KC.

Fair enough. I’ve abused you worse than anything one Orenthal James Simpson ever did to someone he “loved”.

* “Speaking of “monkeys and midgets”, you did see it, right? Oh sweet Jesus, please tell me you saw it!” – Jasson W, Shawnee.

Oh hell yes I saw it! A midget on this spring’s “Survivor”! How EPICALLY AWESOME is this! A freaking MIDGET! The ONLY way this gets better is if (a) there’s a monkey on whatever exotic island they’re filming on, and (b) said midget announces “good news makes the compass point north!” right before hooking up with the tribal skank.

* “Good news makes the compass point north? What the hell does that mean?” – Frank L, El Paso.

It’s a line from one of the most underrated movies of all time, “Mystery Alaska”. Let’s run through the checklist of this “Instant Classic”, shall we?

A pre-famous Russell Crowe that the ladies can drool over? Check.
A pre-West Wing, barely post-Private Parts Mary McCormick for the guys to drool over? Check.
Burt Reynolds in an awful toupee, mailing in the performance? Check.
An uncredited Mike Myers looking worse than his “54” Steve Rubell character? Check.
A 5 year old telling Beth Littleford on (live) TV that “my dog takes big shits”? Check.
The young hero of the local hockey squad being named Steve? CHECK!!!
Said young hero named Steve getting some personal time in a Zamboni with the hottest chick in town? CHECK!!!!!!!
Said young hero named Steve literally nutting as soon as said hottest chick in town goes to apply the condom? (sighing …) Check.

In all seriousness, this is one HELLUVA funny movie. And in one of those “life imitates art” moments, the NHL Winter Classic? The coolest NHL game all year? WAS STOLEN FROM THIS MOVIE! This is where the idea originated – the New York Rangers travel to Mystery, Alaska to play the best amateur team in the country on their “home ice”, literally an outdoor frozen pond. This movie gets a solid 11-5 on the Stevo / Theismann Rating Scale. You won’t regret spending 90 minutes with this one on Netflix.

* “Is there anything scarier than those predators Chris Hansen interviews on “To Catch a Predator”? I mean, I cringe in fear every time I see them on my TV screen! What person could POSSIBLY be worse than those perverts?” – “The Steve Pederson of Tailgating”, Shawnee.

Uh. Oh. We’re in shouting range.

* “Care to guess my final rattlesnake count? 56! 56 Stevo! Yeah, I’m one bad ass mother” – the man affectionately known as “Wyoming”, somewhere in Wyoming.

We’re in sight of the finish line.

* “That godd*mned Danica! Nothing but tits and ass! Tits! And! Ass!” – Gus B, Raytown.

We’re in sniffing range.

* “Hello any single ladies. I’m a 35 SWM interested in NSA relationship. 420 friendly if that’s how you roll. Your pic gets mine. Email back with subject heading of today’s date” – possibly this site’s author, possibly on Craiglist’s casual relationship link.

Come on … I had you for at least 2/1000ths of a second, right? Until next time, let's be careful out there. (Cue "Greatest Theme Song EVER" clip.) And remember – if you liked me, and you like this site, for the LOVE OF GOD, SUBSCRIBE! “The Crush” subscribed three f*cking years ago … and NOBODY HAS SINCE! What, am I that unlovable?!?! (stevo checking his responses to his “craigslist posting” …)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're assuming the vikes actually make a pick, which is never a sure thing.