Sunday, December 21, 2014

chiefs! steelers! the first five things I want to say ...

"Damn!  I used to love this view!
Sit here and drink a few.
Main Street and the high school,
Lit up on Friday night.

Down there?  It's another touchdown.
Man, this year's team is stout.
I can hear them going crazy,
And up here?  So am I.

Thinkin' about you sitting there
Saying I hate this, hate it?
If you couldn't stand living here,
Why'd you take it, take it?

Give me back
My hometown!
Cause this is my?
Hometown! ..."

-- "Give Me Back My Hometown" by Eric Church.


Well, at least we know the scenario, in which this fatally flawed squad can still backdoor its way into another soul-crushing defeat on my birthday.

* The Jaguars must win at the Texans.
* The Browns must win at the Ravens.
* The Chiefs must beat the Chargers.

At this point, do you feel confident even ONE of those outcomes, can occur?

Dios Con Mio!  I have RARELY been as pissed after a game, as I am after this one.  Of the six checkpoints I mentioned for why I thought the Chiefs would win?  Four were proven wrong, one the jury is out on, and the sixth I will defend, even though a vast majority of Chiefs fans would strongly disagree with me.

So allow me to state a few things about this defeat, before possibly going more in depth tomorrow.

1. Anyone who blames Alex Smith for that loss, needs a mental health evaluation.

Alex Smith didn’t drop a gimme touchdown pass.  Dwayne Bowe did.

Alex Smith didn’t fumble the ball.  (Pause).  And Jamaal Charles didn’t either, for what it’s worth.  But still, Alex Smith didn’t fumble the football; Jamaal Charles did.

Alex Smith didn’t miss every seal block on a critical 4th and 1 (that was (allard baird voice) without question – without question! – THE single most f*cking retarded decision in “Fat” Andy’s Kansas City career – Alex Smith didn’t miss every seal block on that play, and Alex Smith didn’t fail to gain the first down by falling forward eight inches.  Hell, and good f*cking God have I argued this for years – if you’re gonna go for it on 4th and the length of a phallic symbol, why the f*ck don’t you just quick snap to the QB, and have him fall forward over the center?

Alex Smith didn’t make about fifteen questionable play calls.  Alex Smith didn’t fail to pick up the blitz on about fifteen different occasions.  True stat – true stat!  And if you don’t believe me, rewind the game to about midway through the 3rd Quarter. 

At that point (Chiefs trailing 10-6, this was the drive with Charles’ “fumble”), as the CBS stat noted:

Chiefs Passing Plays: 24.
Smith Sacked: 4.
Smith Knocked Down: 6.
Smith Hit: 9.

19 of 24 passing plays, Alex Smith had his ass hit the ground, or a fat ass hit his body.  NINETEEN OF TWENTY FOUR!  And there were still TWENTY minutes to play!!!  I even shouted that when I saw it, at the place I watched the game – “how the f*ck can anyone blame Alex Smith for this?  It’s a miracle he’s not in a coffin right now!”

Anyone who questions whether or not this team can win with Alex Smith under center, needs professional help that only Two Rivers or Charter can provide.  Alex Smith is NOT the problem.  We can disagree on whether or not he’s a solution, but he sure as sh*t is not the problem.

2. Every offensive lineman should be fined a week’s pay, for their “on the job performance” today.

Allow me to quote the (not quite late), (but still) great Jim Mora Sr.

“That was a DISGRACEFUL performance, in my opinion.  A DISGRACEFUL performance!  We threw the game!  We gave them the friggin game!  Holy crap!  I don’t know who the hell we think we’re gonna beat, when we play like that!”

Your quarterback is getting drilled 8 out of 10 attempts.

Your running back can’t gain a male member, to keep a drive alive.

Every critical moment, the protection broke down, the blocking wasn’t there.

Don’t focus on the fact the Chiefs had to settle for four field goals (and the failed fourth down and a penis from the 11).  Thank God Alex Smith, Jamaal Charles, Albert Wilson, Dwayne Bowe, and Travis Kelce were able to overcome five “men” who so epically failed at their jobs, even Leif Gaverth* is embarrassed for them.

John Dorsey?  Bend over, because Arrowhead Nation deserves to demand you be given the business.  You let three competent, quality offensive linemen walk this offseason … and replaced them with nothing?  Sam Mellinger?  Pull your head out of Eric Fisher’s ass.  Nobody gives a damn if he and John Alt are friends; we give a damn if he can play even 2.49% as competently, as John Alt did.  Sammy?  He can’t. 

My God, this unit is horrific.  If our training unit doesn’t receive the Team MVP award this offseason, the award should be retired.  The fact that every key offensive player is still upright and ambulatory, is a modern scientific miracle, because this offensive line is so God awful, it’s a miracle nobody has been killed.  This offensive line is as reliable as me behind the wheel, after a six hour binge session at a blackjack table at Ameristar.  And here’s a hint: “reliable” is NOT the word you would use, to describe my driving skills at that point.

(*: you ex-TA people will get that reference.  If you don’t get it?  Get on your hands and knees, and thank God you never had to know, the man who goes by the name of Leif Gaverth.  (Pause).  Yeah, true story time!  Leif was my former boss.  I won’t destroy the man on this site; he doesn’t have the ability to respond.  Let’s just say, one of – if not the – happiest days of my professional existence, was when he was fired with cause, and I (and my former co-worker) to this day, work vigilantly to ensure that man will never find employment in the insurance industry in Kansas City ever again.

I ran into Leif about eight years ago, while Chrismukkah shopping at the old Gordman’s on 87th and Blue Ridge.  (It’s now closed.)  I refused to acknowledge him.  He kept following me.  Finally I turned around, and looked at him.  He said “Steve, there’s a lot I could say.  Just know that I’m truly sorry.”  He then extended his hand, to shake mine. 

I looked at him, as humbled as life forced him to become**, and simply said “go f*ck yourself”, then turned and walked away.  I – thankfully – have never seen him since.

Other than calling Ed Hearn “that son of a b*tch we traded David Cone for” to his face, that phrase?  That might be my finest moment, in telling people exactly what I think of them, to their faces.  (Pause).  Gee, no wonder The Champ refuses to talk our disagreements out!)

(**: and yes, life did humble him.  I feel no sympathy whatsoever.)

3. Three simple words: TAKE.  THE.  POINTS.

I literally stood speechless, as “Fat” Andy kept the offense out there, down 10-6, on 4th and a ding a ling, and decided to go for it, with 0:27 left in the half, rather than take the gimme 3, and go to the half down 10-9, with the ball.

I get why “Fat” Andy went for it.  If only because of something I’ve been saying, dating back (good God, this long ago?!?!?!) twenty years, to when Barry Switzer had the Cowboys go for it on 4th and a schlong at Philly, in a critical December game in 1995: “if you can’t fall forward for six inches, you don’t deserve to win”.

But this wasn’t a critical moment in a critical game, like Barry Switzer gambling the NFC East and homefield advantage with less than 3 to play, was twenty years ago.  This game still had thirty plus minutes to play.  The Chiefs were getting the ball at the half. 


And for those of you out there who feel like playing Waldorf and Statler, who’d argue “well, the Steelers had three timeouts and would have had twenty seconds after the return, they still could have answered”, I’d simply state they had three timeouts and twenty four seconds after the failed rushing attempt … and knelt on it.

We gave Pittsburgh all the momentum with that one idiotic, (I’d argue) indefensible decision.

If you think “Fat” Andy was right?  Fire away in the comments, or fire away at me on Twitter or the email.  Unlike Mike Gundy, I’m not 40.  But like Mike Gundy, I am a man.  I can take it.

4. Three more words:  Cut.  Dwayne.  Bowe.

His touchdown drop was indefensible.  Even I could have made that catch, and I used to refer to Samie Parker on this site as Samie “Hands of Stevo” Parker, because my ability to catch a football is so non-existent.  Even I could have made that catch.

Dwayne Bowe – yet again – didn’t.

Yes, he made a few nice catches today.  And yes, I’ll grant him somewhat of a pass, given that he’s been battling the flu all week, and as someone who spent a solid 36 hours this past week puking up everything I’d eaten or drank over the previous week, I can sympathize with him.

But I’m not paid almost $1,000,000.00 a game, to show up for work.  I’m not paid almost $1,000,000.00 a game, to give my best each and every day.  Dwayne Bowe is.

If what we have seen today – if not this season, if not his entire career – is the best Dwayne Bowe has to offer?

Then it’s time to move on.

And finally …

5. If the Chiefs miss the playoffs, they have noone to blame, but themselves.

This isn’t the Steelers getting screwed last year, because the Chiefs sat every meaningful player in the finale at San Diego.  (And still almost won.)  All this team had to do, was beat the Titans Week One, or the raiders Week Twelve, and they’d control their own destiny on Sunday, despite what happened today. 

And let’s also admit the obvious: whatever you may think of the spot the Chiefs found themselves in today?  The Chargers were in WORSE shape last night – down 21, on the road … and won, in a game the 49ers dominated for about 57 of the 60 minutes of regulation that was played.

I will always hold out hope, until there is no longer a reason to.  In 2006?  We needed eight scenarios in the final nine days to go our way.  This time, we only needed five ... and got two of them today, via Houston and oakland's wins.

But I cannot help but close by noting the obvious:

This was one of the most disgraceful, indefensible, absolutely pathetic Chiefs efforts, we have ever had the misfortune to witness.  This was unconscionable.  In the biggest game of the year, you can't find the end zone.

If Doug Peterson is still employed (jimmy buffett voice) come (next) Monday?

The media in this fine metropolitan area better grab ahold of "Fat" Andy's balls, and hold them to the proverbial fire.

Because heads should ROLL over this embarrassment of a game, today.

(Also, this entire post took me 13 minutes to type, start to finish.  That's how f*cking p*ssed I am right now ...)

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