“Hey y’all?
What’s goin’ on?
Been waitin’ on this?
All day long!
When you’re up for anything
From A to Z?
You don’t need
No Plan B!
Go pop the cord --
Go tap the keg!
Go get some red (skin)
In your neck!
This is one of them nights?
You just can’t miss!
And it goes a lil’ something,
A lil’ something like this …
Come on now everybody!
Whether you’re in a bar, or a club!
Or just kickin’ it (Arrowhead) style --
VIP in the back of (The Bus)!
Hey y’all!
When the girls walk by?
We be like
Hey y’all!
If we get it right,
They be like hey y’all!
Wanna rock with us tonight?
Hey y’all? DAMN right!!! …”
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Last Week SU: 11-5-0 (68.75%).
Season to Date SU: 34-13-0 (70.83%).
Last Week ATS: 11-5-0 (68.75%).
Season to Date ATS: 32-14-1 (68.09%).
Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: needless to say, I am fuming mad.
Season to Date “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: 2-1-0 both SU and ATS.
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: Eagles (+1) over Chargers.
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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:
My pick for the Thursday nighter was at Packers (-7) 34, Bears 14. You betting against Aaron Rodgers in prime time at home? I’m not. Also, “ALF Game O’ The Week”.
* Saints (-2 ½) 31, Dolphins 21 (Game in London). The NFL sent Ed Hochuli to ref this one. In a national television slot (albeit at 8:30am CT). Odds this one gets over before the noon games kick off are slim and none, and none is a twelve point favorite.
* at “Shane” Falcons 24, Bills (+9 ½) 21. This is a ridiculous line. Absolutely ridiculous. Atlanta should be 1-2 right now, if we’re being honest with each other. And I say that as someone who picked the “Shane” Falcons to win the Super Bowl.
* at Ravens (+2 ½) 19, Steelers 17. I have no idea how. I just know I am psyched to watch this one. (Or at least as much of it as I can.) Also, Arrowhead Nation -- we need one of these two teams to tank in October and (especially) November. The rematch is the current Sunday Nighter in Week Fourteen. What would you rather watch at 7:25pm on Sunday, December 10th -- Ravens at Steelers … or raiders at Chiefs (currently slated for noon. FOX has the National Window, so it’s noon or prime time for what could decide home field advantage throughout the playoffs.)
* at Browns (+3) 2, Bengals 0. Just when you think things in the NFL cannot get any uglier, Browns / Bengals everyone!!!!! Also, “Good Times Game O’ The Week”. And probably the year. Unless the rematch is worse.
* at Cowboys 31, Rams (+7) 28. Field goal as time expires. The Rams are feisty. They’re gonna stun someone in the next few weeks.
* Lions (+2) 51, at Vikings 14.
I mean, are you kidding me?
Are you f*cking kidding me?
If that is not amongst the ten worst calls in NFL history, I defy you to find ten worse. Let’s walk through this semi-soberly and semi-coherently. (But never semi-sanely; don’t give me that much credit.)
* at Texans (PK) 31, Titans 20. You can’t claim the third game of a rookie QB’s career is the “defining moment” of said career. (Well, unless you’re Ryan Leaf.) But what a golden opportunity Deshaun Watson has in front of him -- three straight at home, including next week with the eyes of the nation upon him against the Red and Gold. They’re all very winnable, heading into the Texans’ bye. I was higher on Houston than most entering this season. I’ve seen nothing so far to doubt my optimism. (And fear for next Sunday night.)
* at Patriots 30, Panthers (+10 ½) 20. Thanks for the half point, Danny Sheridan! (Note: as always, all odds pulled from USA Today.)
* at “Super” Cardinals 16, 49ers (+7 ½) 10. “Webster Game O’ The Week”. Get ready folks -- we’re now three god-awful sitcom designations in … the Sunday nighter is atrocious (and unflexible) … the Jets game is the second worst one on the board this year for Gang Green … and … dear God, we might go six deep this week. This isn’t looking good. This is NOT looking good. I might have to dig into “Silver Spoons” territory if we’re not careful here.
* Eagles (+1) 34, at “Super” Chargers 20. Wrong team is favored, and the line is off by at least a field goal. (Pause). Not that I gamble.
* at those people (-2 ½) 28, raiders 24. I know I have to haul out this PSA twice a year, but for those of you who are new, here goes. If terrorists strike fake mile high as this game is occurring, it is NOT a national tragedy. Rather, it is cause for a national celebration. Those heartless cruel killers would be doing football, ‘Murica, and the world an honor, by blowing these two squads (and their fans in attendance) into … well, where they’ll already be at, the eighth layer of hell itself. I mean, picking a rooting interest in this one is damned near impossible. You just root for mass carnage and season ending injuries.
* at Bucs (-3) 45, Giants 3. Get ready for your national closeup, Mr. Winston. (bruce springsteen voice) The Patriots are coming to town! The Patriots are coming to town! The Patriots are coming … next Thursday!
* at Seahawks 6, Colts (+14 ½) 3. For the love of Christ. Seattle isn’t three scores better than anyone. Sh*t, they were barely a field goal better than the hapless 49ers. Also, I’m laying 5:1 odds on Al Michaels openly snoring in the booth by the fourth quarter. This one is going to be awful. “Empty Nest Game O’ The Week”.
The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:
He’s been good this week, so I’ll take a pass. Plus I still owe you my thoughts on Ol’ Klassy’s opinions of who (stewie griffin voice) roo-eened Nebraska football. Here’s a hint: as usual, he’s wrong.
The Watching Party Plans:
There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs home game.
The Tailgating Plans:
The STM Email says gates open at 2:30. My bet is it will be closer to 1:30, given that (a) it’s a prime time home game, (b) it’s supposed to be pushing 85 and sunny on Monday, and (c) this is what God gave us PTO for, right?
The Bus is planning to depart by 1pm if you’re riding out. I should be able to duck out of the (new) office by 11am * ; I would like to think two hours is more than enough time to get from 31st and Broadway to Raytown, and change into something less formal than “current employer’s dress code”.
Last time I checked, the primary menu is just burgers and brats and dogs, plus assorted side dishes and desserts that get brought. Ron and Ryan and Tyler and their crew is bringing Gates last time I heard. I am making a jalapeno side of some kind (allegedly); I’m just not sure if I’ll do poppers or try to make the meatballs that had me drooling the other day on Facebook. (Depends on how soon I get done with family commitments on Sunday; these things will take some prep time.) As always, there will be plenty of liquid refreshments of an adult nature for your, uuh, refreshment.
And as always, anyone and everyone is welcome to attend. We’re always in the same spot: the grassy knoll north of the G30 sign. If you miss out? Look in the mirror, because you’re the only reason you wouldn’t be there.
Should be one epic last day of summer. Hope y’all get out to enjoy it!
(*: if I seem ridiculously b*tchy Monday, there’s a damned good reason why. I am allowed two -- and only two -- PTO days my first ninety days on the job. (Or through December 5th.) I am using one to get back from Dallas, and my boss has been beyond generous in violating HR rules granting an exemption to allow me to use two more (as of now) to go to Sioux Falls in two weeks … so I get three. The tradeoff is that I have to “make up the time” from both Monday Nighters. So I’m heading in at 7am Monday (a solid hour earlier than usual) … and staying late Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, to make up the time. You’re welcome?)
The 2 Legit 2 Colquitt League Best Guesses:
Last Week SU: 3-3-0.
Season to Date SU: 7-11-0.
* team tito (me) over Focus and Finish (Chane). Thank you Aaron Rodgers.
* Mike Ditka in your mom (Vince) over Banana Hammocks (Will). (fidelity ad guy voice) why not?
* GO BIG RED (Gordon / Garrett) over JYD’s Huskerbugeaters (Ross). The five time champs drop to 0-4? The five time champs drop to 0-4.
* Jasson’s Occiffers (Jasson) over B*tch Kitties (Cooksey). Just because.
* Salty Bananas (bts) over Angry Beavers (“The Voice of Reason”). Hey, the next time an “angry beaver” overcomes a “salty banana” pounding against the ceiling of the ConDome or The Dam, you let me know.
* Patrick is Mahomes (“Reputable National Sports Columnist”) over Orinoco Flow N My Pantalones (Potter). Which leads into this week’s sad, tragic development …
“Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update O’ The Week:
It moved! Sadly, this fine city I call home has decided to relay (relie? Not sure what the correct word here is) a bunch of cable and electrical wires underneath Broadway over the next couple weeks, so the entire northbound side of Broadway is missing a lane between Linwood and 31st. Meaning “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” has to move for a couple weeks. Hopefully it will be back -- it’s a solid four block walk to Gates (the closest reputable dining facility to “current employer”) … and I’m sorry, but you cannot eat a Beef on Bun and Fries without a frosty cold beer. It just cannot be done. I refuse to try.
The Jets Best Guess:
You sitting down, football fans? There’s a damned good realistic probability the Jets will be 3-2 in two weeks. And if they spring the upset over the Patriots come October 15 at the Fake Meadowlands (which they usually do)? Look out.
Also, this is your “Designing Women Game O’ The Week”.
* at Jets (+3) 16, Jaguars 10.
The Chiefs Prognostication:
One year ago (jimmy buffett voice) “Come Monday” … the Chiefs suffered arguably the single most humiliating, indefensible defeat of the “Fat” Andy Reid era, falling 14-43 to the Steelers on a Sunday night in a game that wasn’t even remotely as close as the score indicates.
I could focus on how far this team has come in a year -- they’ve closed the gap by 27!, based on the playoff game! -- but instead, I choose to focus on the last time the Chiefs hosted a Monday Night game.
Ironically, the same damned week -- Week Four … 2014.
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The truly sad thing is, so few people actually remember that Monday Nighter three years ago. Hell, I couldn’t manage to recap it -- and that’s pathetic, to be honest. Sh*t, I could barely manage to care about it.
Because as much as that game was enjoyable (a 41-14 Chiefs “y’all can bend over and take the business” beating over the Patriots) … was anyone there that night truly actually focused on THAT game, to occur over a twenty four hour period at the Truman Sports Complex?
I know I wasn’t. As I noted on Facebook leaving Terrorhead after a win for the ages: "tomorrow trumps today".
Who would have thunk, that a Monday Night Football blowout would serve as the jumping off point … for what (until this season) will be remembered as one of the greatest runs in this metropolitan area’s sports history?
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It’s been three years, and I still remember every damned thing about that Wild Card win. I still wonder how Brooks is now -- I’m guessing he’d be second grade? Does he still love Salvy as he did that night? How the f*ck did I not consume a single drop of alcohol during that entire contest? (Note: that one stuns me most of all -- it’s not like money was an issue; September 30 was / is a payday. Not one drop during that game. Circle me apoplectic Joe Bugle style, Bert. Circle me apoplectic.)
Yet there are so many details about that Monday Nighter I forget. Apparently Travis Kelce emerged that night as a force to be reckoned with. Apparently the Chiefs curb-stomped the soon-to-be Super Bowl champs for sixty straight minutes stretched into three hours. Apparently Bill Belichick was so p*ssed his only response to the game was “On To Cincinnati”.
So let me ask the Captain Oats in the room.
What if what we are witnessing … is the catalyst, to the single greatest moment, in this epic area’s history …
What if what we are witnessing at this point, is building up to a parade that will put November 3, 2015 to shame ...
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What if Monday night, three years later, is the kickoff to yet another celebratory parade down Grand? What if Monday night launches a season we’ve literally waited a lifetime for, just as (unknowingly) Monday night three years ago did?
I hope each and every one of you reading this will be there Monday night. I hope you experience what is going to happen. I hope you get to state to your kids, your grandkids, your wife, your girlfriend, your ho on the side, some random stranger you meet at the bus stop, that you were there, the night America bought hook, line, and sinker into what the Chiefs are selling.
Because what they’re selling? Is real.
And it’s about to become spectacular.
* at Chiefs (-4) 45, Redskins 13.
