See you walkin' round like it's a funeral!
Not so serious? Girl, why those feet cold?
We just gettin' started, don't you tiptoe, tiptoe ...
Waste time with a masterpiece;
Don't waste time with a masterpiece.
You should be rolling with me;
Tou should be rolling with me!
You're a real life fantasy;
You're a real life fantasy.
But you're moving so carefully --
Let's start living dangerously!
Talk to me baby!
I'm going blind from this sweet, sweet craving, uh huh!
Let's lose our minds and go f*cking crazy!
(Ah ya ya ya ya ya!)
I keep on hoping?
We'll eat cake by the ocean! ...
(Ah ya ya ya ya ya!)
Keep on hoping!
Cake by the ocean! ..."
-- "Cake By the Ocean" by DNCE.
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Reason (Probably) Number One I thank God I'm not a parent (at least that I have been made aware of): I never have to explain to a ten year old what "cake by the ocean" means.
To say nothing of the second verse's intended meaning:
"God damn!
See you lickin' frosting off your own hands!
Want another taste? I'm beggin' yes ma'am!
I'm tired of all this candy on the dry land!"
Sweet Jesus, those are some awesome, awesome lyrics ...
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But reason (in the ballpark for) number one I thank God I'm not a parent (at least that I have been made aware of)?
Forty Games in Forty Nights!
The Playoffs are here! And they are real ... and honestly, they appear at first glance to be epically spectacular!
I mean, think back to six months ago when this (arguably best of my lifetime) NBA season began. If I had told you that ANY of the actual realities about to be listed below would occur, how many would you laugh at?
1. The Spurs wouldn't clinch a playoff berth until the eighty first game of their season.
2. The Warriors wouldn't come within two weeks worth of games, of having home court advantage throughout the playoffs.
3. The Spurs and Warriors will meet in the playoffs ... and their series will be over before May arrives.
4. The Celtics would lose Gordon Hayward in the season's first minute, would lose Kyrie Irving with a couple weeks to play ... and would still come within a week's worth of games of winning the Eastern Conference.
5. The Cavaliers wouldn't be a top three seed.
6. The NBA would get what the NFL rigs the schedule to get every year, a "winner's in, loser's out" finale ... and inexplicably, not air said "all or nothing" finale on ESPN or TNT. (Hence my bowling team's trip to Hooters for dinner on Wednesday night -- they have NBA TV.)
7. The West's seeds, three through eight (and the Nuggets, who finished ninth), would be separated by three games.
8. The East's seeds, six through eight, would be separated by one game ... and somehow, someway, if I read the way it played out right ...
9. The BuKCs (note: in the interest of full disclosure, they are my rooting interest) somehow, someway, keep their first round pick, which would have been shipped to Phoenix in the Eric Bledsoe deal, had they been set to pick 11 through 17.
To say nothing of ...
10. Between the NBA and NHL, there are five professional teams in the New York metropolitan area. The only one to make the playoffs? (Sh*t, the only one to come within ten games or fifteen points of making them?) Would be the one playing ... in New Jersey (your Devils).
It's been a fun-filled crazy six months.
And yet now?
The real fun begins.
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The NBA gives you the chance to fill out your bracket, NCAA style. Take advantage of it. (If only because it's a free shot at a cold million bucks.)
Here is how I filled mine out.
(Visual proof at the end ... because why give you the chance to "lick the frosting off your own hands" prematurely, right? (Rimshot!) (scott hall voice) Hey yo!)
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* Western Conference First Round.
1 Rockets over 8 Timberwolves in five. I think the Wolves manage to win Game Four at home. Otherwise, this looks like a collection of four 110-95 finishes that aren't even remotely close.
4 Thunder over 5 (the late, great mr. william grigsby voice) Jazz in seven. This, honestly, was the hardest selection for me. The Thunder have grousely underachieved; the Jazz have insanely overachieved. (Still proud you fired Quin Snyder, mizzou fan? Because clearly he was / is the problem with your hoops program.) I ultimately picked the Thunder because (a) they're the better team, (b) they would host Game Seven, and (c) my nephew might disown me if I didn't pick them to at least see May. They'll wake up on May 1st still very much alive, buddy.
3 Trail Blazers over 6 Pelicans in five. I actually fear this pick; it seems like damned near everyone is agreeing with me, that the Pellies will put up a fight, but really have no chance of winning four times in seven nights and/or afternoons. Also, at the risk of sounding racist, Anthony Davis never should have gotten any ink in a visible spot on his body. Some people have the look and/or the body, to pull off the tats. He doesn't have either. (Neither do I, which is why I don't have any ... yet. Although if I ever get one, this b*stard is going on the left side of my back, shoulder high.)
2 Warriors over 7 Spurs in five. No Steph. No Kawhi. This honestly is LaMarcus Aldridge's opportunity that that f*cking "see you next Tuesday" scottie pippen had 25 years ago: step up and prove you have the stones to be "the franchise". mr. pippen chose to sit out his moment. (Made even more sweet by the fact Toni Kukoc drilled the three in mr. pippen's childish chicken sh*t absence.) I don't think LaMarcus will be as cowardly as alleged all-time great scottie pippen was against the Knicks in that Game Three of the 1994 Second Round. But I do think he'll fail to win this series.
* Western Conference Second Round.
4 Thunder over 1 Rockets in six. The only team I watch more on the League Pass than the BuKCs, is the Thunder. So yeah, there's some bias here. (Especially the "if my brother, nephew and I are taking a quickie road trip the second weekend in May for some playoff basketball, I need either the BuKCs or Thunder still alive to watch" bias.) But I actually love this matchup for OKC ... because someone is gonna take the leap in this postseason. And that someone isn't Melo (who'll never make it) or Russ (who's already there, IM(N)HO). I cannot wait to see Paul George emerge as "the franchise" over these next two months. Because he's going to.
2 Warriors over 3 Blazers in seven. Steph. Dame. With Beard / CP3 or Russ / Melo / George awaiting the winner. Jesus, I might not get twenty hours sleep the two weeks this series is underway.
* Western Conference Finals.
4 Thunder over 2 Warriors in six. It takes a great coach to somehow, someway, figure out how to win a (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt, with great players whose styles don't necessarily gel. Ladies and gentlemen, we have two of the best on display in this projected conference final -- the very well known Steve Kerr ... and the criminitely underrated Billy Donovan. The Thunder should have won in this spot two years ago. They won't choke away the series in Game Six this time.
Western Conference Champs: 4 Oklahoma City Thunder.
* Eastern Conference First Round.
1 Raptors over 8 Bullets Wizards in seven. Don't sleep on the Wiz. (Literally -- don't sleep where someone has, uuh, wizzed. It's like, wet and stinky, and the person in that spot before you was probably drunk and/or has no control of his or her extremities.) But seriously, Washington can win this series. I damned near picked them to. If John Wall is at 90%, this is gonna be an instant classic.
5 Pacers over 4 Cavaliers in five. No, I am not drunk. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well the dude I used to buy from is currently serving two to five in Jackson County's finest, so no, I'm not stoned either, but thanks for asking. I really love this matchup for the Pacers. Because I really don't like this Cavs team. At all.
3 76ers over 6 Heat in four. I'll just simply use one of my favorite quotes my dad drops from time to time, to sum this one up. "This is going to be an ass kicking of Biblical proportions." If Miami keeps a single game within ten, I'll be stunned.
7 BuKCs over 2 Celtics in six. This is heart, not head. (Although to be fair, neither of those things is exactly firing on all cylinders inside of me.) Also, the BuKCs beat the Celtics twice in three matchups pre-Kyrie injury (but post-Hayward). They match up well here. If this is the Fortress On Fourth's last playoff run (and it is; the new arena opens in October), then at least let it see May for the first time since (gulp) 2001 ... and let it get at least one shot, at exercising the screw job, that Game Six of that 2001 Eastern Conference Finals was.
* Eastern Conference Second Round.
1 Raptors over 5 Pacers in five. Better team wins. Also, Indy has far better things to focus on as a metropolitan area in mid-May, than the NBA playoffs.
3 76ers over 7 BuKCs in seven. I have to admit, thinking of watching Ben Simmons and The Greek Freak going at it seven times in twelve or thirteen days, has me ... uuh ... "cake by the ocean" happy.
Also, I never pick my rooting interest to win it all. I'm a jinx. I've done it once. I never will again.
* Eastern Conference Finals.
1 Raptors over 3 76ers in seven. It's like the Bizarro 2001 Eastern Conference Playoffs all over again -- Philly / Toronto / Milwaukee being the axis the East swings on. Only no Ray Allen, no Vinsanity, no AI this time around. This series has epic potential. I have the home team winning every game.
Eastern Conference Champions: 1 Toronto Raptors.
* The Finals.
4 Thunder over 1 Raptors in seven. An awesome series on paper that nobody will tune into until Game Five because New York, LA, Chicago, or pick a metropolis in Texas or Florida isn't involved ... and will win two nations over, by Game Seven, with its greatness.
NBA Champions: 4 Oklahoma City Thunder.
Enjoy the playoffs folks! God knows I intend to ...
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