"Oh! This is the start
Of something good --
Don't you agree?
I? Haven't felt like this
In so many moons --
You know what I mean?
And we can build through
This destruction,
As we are standing on our feet!
So?
Since you wanna be with me?
You have to follow through,
With every word you say.
And I?
All I really want is you!
You to stick around!
I'll see ya every day!
But you have to follow through!
You have to follow through! ..."
-- "Follow Through" by Gavin DeGraw.
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Let's do this, because honestly, there's only one date on the Chiefs schedule that truly p*sses me off ... and said date shockingly?
Doesn't occur in the first seven weeks.
* Week One: at Los Angeles "Super" Chargers, Sunday, September 9th, 3:05pm CT (CBS).
Reaction: the Chiefs have not lost to these phonies, frauds, and abject imposters of a NFL franchise, since we rested every meaningful starter in the 2013 finale. (And even then, it took the Chargers overtime and two missed Chiefs field goals, combined with a fake punt in overtime, for them to win.) This is a great litmus test right off the bat. I'm a firm believer in getting your hardest games out of the way -- especially on the road -- ASAFP.
The Chiefs first four road games? (Especially the first two?)
Are the toughest four games on the schedule, if we're being honest.
Prediction: Chiefs 34, at "Super" Chargers 24.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 1-0 (Overall); 1-0 (Conference); 1-0 (Division).
* Week Two: at Pittsburgh Steelers, Sunday, September 16th, noon CT (CBS).
Reaction: I was nine the last time we won in the Steel City. I'm guessing I could live to be ninety, and never see it happen again. Also, how is this NOT in a National Televised Slot?!?!?! Especially since CBS has the National Slot in Week Two?!?!?!?!
Prediction: at Steelers 31, Chiefs 19.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 1-1 (Overall); 1-1 (Conference); 1-0 (Division).
* Week Three: vs San Francisco 49ers, Sunday, September 23rd, noon CT (FOX).
Reaction: flashes of 2006. Is an 0-2 Chiefs team going to limp home needing a must-win victory over the 49ers to save the season? Or flashes of 2010. Is a 2-0 Chiefs team going to march triumphantly home and dominate an inferior opponent to kick off a season nobody sees coming?
Or flashes of 1994. Is this going to be one epic battle between two future Hall of Fame quarterbacks, to open the home schedule?
(Or, best yet, a rematch of 1997 -- a 44-9 ass kicking of Biblical proportions that gave us my favorite Patrick J. Summerall call ever: "Allen. Standing up."
No matter what it is, I know I can safely predict this: I'll be wide, wide awake by 5am ... and saving spots for you on the grassy knoll north of the G30 sign by 6:15am.
(And please, weather Gods, give us one last epic day of summer for this one. Please. You've screwed us all spring; give us one 90 degree sunny day to close out September. It's all I ask. Thanks, your buddy, Stevo.)
Prediction: at Chiefs 38, 49ers 35 (OT).
Chiefs Predicted Record: 2-1 (Overall); 1-1 (Conference); 1-0 (Division).
* Week Four: at those people, Monday, October 1st, 7:20pm CT (ESPN).
Reaction: a Chiefs / those people game in prime time, is as predictable as me going to bed after five some odd cocktails, without another person in said bed. (What can I say? I may have (jay z voice) ninety nine problems, but at least a b*tch ain't one.)
Also, in case you didn't know? I DESPISE those people. But damn, I love the fact they have lost five straight to us. Soon to be six.
Prediction: Chiefs 42, at those people 20.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 3-1 (Overall); 2-1 (Conference); 2-0 (Division).
* Week Five: vs Jacksonville Jaguars, Sunday, October 7th, noon CT (CBS).
Reaction: I'm honestly stunned this isn't in prime time. Given FOX has the National slot, and the Sunday Nighter more that deserves its' prime time slot (Cowboys at Texans), we're stuck at noon I guess. Let's hope this year's matchup goes as well as the last three matchups against this team have gone (Chiefs wins).
Prediction: at Chiefs 35, Jaguars 30.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 4-1 (Overall); 3-1 (Conference); 2-0 (Division).
* Week Six: at New England Patriots, Sunday, October 14th, 7:20pm CT (NBC).
Reaction: the "Fat" Andy Reid era Chiefs are 2-1 against the Pats. 2-0 in the regular season ... and neither of those games, has been within two touchdowns, of an outcome, in said regular season. (The Divisional Round defeat in 2015 was 20-27.)
This is gonna be one fun ass game to watch.
Prediction: at Patriots 17, Chiefs 10.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 4-2 (Overall); 3-2 (Conference); 2-0 (Division).
* Week Seven: vs Cincinnati Bengals, Sunday, October 21st, noon CT (CBS).
Reaction: if there is a "trap game" on the schedule, this might be it.
Prediction: at Chiefs 34, Bengals 24.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 5-2 (Overall); 4-2 (Conference); 2-0 (Division).
* Week Eight: vs those people, Sunday, October 28th, noon CT (CBS).
Reaction: my exact reaction? Seeing this game, in this spot, unveiled last night? Was dropping a certain word in different variations of said word, more than the former Cincinnati Reds manager did, in less time to boot ** .
This was the week I needed a bye, a road game, or ANYTHING other than "The Day I Live For". I have a family wedding in San Antonio the day before this one occurs. Just like seven years ago, before we hosted Miami. (Please excuse the horrible formatting; I typed most of that linked bad boy on the flight home from Miami, trying to make the game against, uuh, Miami.)
I actually called multiple family members last night, to figure out travel plans. I was told "you must attend the wedding".
I am assuming ... that is my gateway, into "last flight out" status on Saturday night -- avoid the reception, and get out at about 8pm Texas time.
But sh*t. Who are we kidding? Me missing an open bar? It's not happening.
Really, NFL? You couldn't have scheduled the bye at the g*ddmned midpoint for once?
Prediction: at Chiefs 42, those people 20 ... and I blow off the entire family wedding / reunion, by giving my someone my credit card, uuh, credentials, and putting on epic bender on my tab at the rehearsal dinner after-party. (luke bryan voice) "been there, done that" ...
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(**: which was my exact reaction to Game One of the BuKCs / Celtics series. (Pause). Game Three tonight! #fearthedeer)
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Chiefs at the Midpoint:
Overall: 6-2.
Conference: 5-2.
Division: 3-0.
Admit it Chiefs fans -- you'll take it.
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* Week Nine: at Cleveland Browns, Sunday, November 4th, noon CT (CBS).
Reaction: this isn't the "punch to the nuts" defeat that makes no sense, early November will deliver.
Prediction: Chiefs 17, at Browns 16.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 7-2 (Overall); 6-2 (Conference); 3-0 (Division).
* Week Ten: vs Arizona "Super" Cardinals, Sunday, November 11th, noon CT (FOX).
Reaction: I have a picture on my cabinet at work, of me tossing washers tailgating this game eight years ago ... and I'm in a short sleeve shirt and shorts. If it wants to be 66 degrees again in mid November? I wouldn't complain.
Also ... and man, it's really been seventeen years? Wow. But yeah, I can't reference a "Super" Cardinals matchup without giving you kids out there an important life lesson, and it is this: you can turn on every faucet and/or shower device known to mankind in a Super 8 bathroom ... you can even flush the toilet every ninety seconds to boot ... but if you're doing it right? It is impossible to drown out the sound of 4am sex, in said Super 8 bathroom.
Oh, and this is the "punch to the nuts" defeat that makes no sense, the schedule will deliver.
Prediction: "Super" Cardinals 24, at Chiefs 20.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 7-3 (Overall); 6-2 (Conference); 3-0 (Division).
* Week Eleven: at Los Angeles Rams, Monday, November 19th, 7:15pm CT (ESPN).
Reaction: this might be my favorite game on the schedule. It's gonna be a lot of fun to watch play out. In the end, I think the Chiefs biggest offseason mistake (trading Marcus Peters), makes life just miserable enough for the Chiefs best offseason move (installing Patrick "Mahomes" of the Chiefs as starter).
Prediction: Rams 31, Chiefs 24 (Game in Mexico City).
Chiefs Predicted Record: 7-4 (Overall); 6-2 (Conference); 3-0 (Division).
* Week Twelve: bye.
Reaction: I don't mind the late bye, even if it's a month after I'd have preferred it. I do mind -- and don't like -- rolling into the bye on a two game losing streak, with a road trip to the Bay area on tap. I don't love the trend that could be setting up for the last five week. But damn, do I love giving "Fat" Andy two weeks to prepare for what I think will be the Chiefs biggest game of the season (part uno).
* Week Thirteen: at oakland raiders, Sunday, December 2nd, 3:05pm CT (CBS).
Reaction: get ready Black Hole. I'll be there. As of last night, I'm going with great friends Rudy, Drey, and Sir Thomas (all raider fans). This ... in the words of the late, great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner: "this is going to be something ... REALLY special!" ***
Prediction: Chiefs 41, at raiders 38.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 8-4 (Overall); 7-2 (Conference); 4-0 (Division).
(***: that quote by the late, great Hef occurred in episode three of season nine of "Roseanne", the season that the reboot has basically said never happened. So is it still OK to quote Hef, if in the show's evolved canon, he technically never said it? As much as I am digging the reboot, this is the one thing that confuses me. (everyone voice) One thing?!?!?!?!)
* Week Fourteen: vs Baltimore Ravens, Sunday, December 9th, noon CT (CBS).
Reaction: the ultimate trap game. To say nothing of the fact that the only team in the National ... Football League to have never lost a game that counts at Arrowhead ... is your Baltimore Ravens. This one could have huge ramifications for multiple playoff slots when this season is over and done with.
Prediction: at Chiefs 27, Ravens 24 (OT).
Chiefs Predicted Record: 9-4 (Overall); 8-2 (Conference); 4-0 (Division).
* Week Fifteen: vs Los Angeles "Super" Chargers, Thursday, December 13th, 7:20pm CT (FOX / NFLN).
Reaction: I believe this one will require One Arrowhead Drive to pay some royalties to Pat Riley, who trademarked "three peat" nearly, uuh, three decades ago.
Prediction: at Chiefs 30, "Super" Chargers 20.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 10-4 (Overall); 9-2 (Conference); 5-0 (Division).
* Week Sixteen: at Seattle Seahawks, Sunday, December 23rd, 7:20pm CT (NBC).
Reaction: I haven't missed a game that counts in Seattle since 2002. That streak will continue. (Note: it's not much of a streak; the Chiefs have only played there once in the last sixteen years (2010).) Also, I believe the Chiefs will have little to nothing to play for here -- the West will be won, and a top two seed probably out of the question due to earlier losses to the Pats and Steelers. And further, I believe Seattle will be in a "do or die" for a wild card berth here. Throw in the fact that I will be in attendance, and the next time the Chiefs win two road games I'm at in the same season will be the first time since 2015 **** ? This prediction makes sense.
Unlike most things I predict.
Prediction: at Seahawks 27, Chiefs 21.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 10-5 (Overall); 9-2 (Conference); 5-0 (Division).
(****: provided you allow two victories over the same opponent to count. In 2015 I went to Houston regular season (win), Minnesota regular season (loss), and Houston postseason (win). If you require two different opponents, then I'm not sure it's ever happened for me.)
* Week Seventeen: vs oakland raiders, Sunday, December 30th, noon CT (CBS).
Reaction: I know making predictions eight months out is an exercise in futility ... and I know given who I am, and how I have lived my life at times, this prediction is either going to strike you as the most ridiculous thing I've ever typed ... or the most ridiculous thing I've ever typed. But here it is: I am predicting that I will achieve a level of intoxication the weekend of this game, like I have never achieved before. And I am fully aware I blew a .31 on a float trip ten summers ago ***** . With raider nation north invading us for the game and New Year's? This is going to be (barney stinson voice) legen ... wait for it ... dary.
Prediction: at Chiefs 30, raiders 17.
Chiefs Predicted Record: 11-5 (Overall); 10-2 (Conference); 6-0 (Division).
(*****: on a device taken out of commission because it notoriously under-reported your BAC. I may suck at a lot of things in life, but my ability to sit in the sun and drink, while wondering where the hell I ditched the t-shirt at, is second to no one.)
I think that'll be good enough for the three seed, a three-peat as AFC West Champions, and an eighth attempt to do what has proven to be the impossible: win a f*cking playoff game at home. I was 16 the last time that happened. I turn 42 on Wild Card weekend this season. That's ... that's a long damned time.
That's my initial look at the Chiefs schedule. I'm sure I'll change my mind on a few of these when I do the schedule run and make my official picks in late August / early September.
Until next time -- (sgt. esterhaus voice) let's be careful out there ...
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