Here I am,
Here we are --
We are one!
And I've been waiting
For this night to come ...
Get up!
Now it's time
For me
To take my place!
The makeup running down my face;
We're exiled from the human race --
You're in the psych!
You're in the psycho circus!
You're in the psych!
You're in the psycho circus!
And I say?
Welcome to the show!!!! ..."
-- "Psycho Circus" by KISS.
--------------------
Every year I do this -- take the known opponents, and plug them into how I want to face them. With the actual schedule allegedly coming out in (approximately) two weeks, it's probably time to get on the record with what Stevo wants to see, when the Chiefs portion of that schedule is unveiled.
I'm not going to take a stab at preseason, because (a) unless it's a perfect tailgating day * , or (b) a Double Header Day is involved, I don't care. Given that (b) hasn't happened in preseason in over a decade, and that if (a) occurs, I'll probably be floating down the Elk or Niangra instead, let's just move on to the games that count.
(*: I define a perfect tailgating day as low to mid 90s, without a cloud in the sky, and just enough breeze that you stop sweating once the t-shirt comes off. I'll stack my definition of a perfect tailgating day against any of y'all's. Also, in case you doubt I've mellowed out as I've aged, "low to mid 90s" used to be "105". (Pause). Yeah, it might be time to move back to my adopted home state.)
Here then is how I want the Chiefs path to the playoffs to unfold in 2018 (and my rationale / reasoning behind it, where applicable).
Week One: vs San Francisco 49ers, Monday September 10th, 9:15pm CT (ESPN).
Call me a dreamer, and say I'm a little naive (believe me, I've been called worse), but what a great, awesome way to truly start the Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" era! In prime time, against a rapidly rising 49ers team, with the eyes of the nation focused on One Arrowhead Drive. In addition? You're damned right the Royals are home that day. I can think of worse ways to spend one last awesome day of summer than enjoying a true Double Header Day for the first time since ... the opening to the 2010 season.
Make it happen, NFL Schedule Dude or Dudette. Make it happen!
(Note: it won't. Hence "dream" schedule.)
Week Two: at Pittsburgh Steelers, Sunday September 16th, 3:25pm CT (CBS).
I'm a very firm believer in getting your toughest road game out of the way ASAFP. This is the hardest game the Chiefs will face home or away this season, or at least it looks that way 158 days out from Kickoff 2018. It's also the one game on the schedule I'm writing off before it's even played. We haven't won in Pittsburgh since 1986. I was nine, almost ten. Sadly, that's not even close to the longest stretch of futility of my Chiefs fandom. #bringlamarstrophyhome
Week Three: vs Baltimore Ravens, Sunday September 23rd, noon CT (CBS).
The Ravens have never lost at Arrowhead. They routed the Chiefs in Week Fourteen 2006 ** , the 2010 Wild Card Game, and in Week Five 2012. If that statistic doesn't change this fall, it's not a good sign for the Chiefs season.
(**: this is the game where I was so irate afterwards, that not only did I nearly break my foot kicking the light pole in G30, but a friend of a friend I didn't really know simply walked up to me and handed me a freshly rolled joint, noting "you need this more than I do". I'd like to think I've mellowed out a bit when it comes to Chiefs football ... save for when it involves (general lee voice) "those people". I'll never mellow out when it comes to those people.)
Week Four: at Seattle Seahawks, Sunday September 30th, 3:25pm CT (CBS).
This is the one road game I know I'm attending this fall. Which reminds me, I need to get going on obtaining a valid passport, to put the other one I want to attend, into place ...
Week Five: vs Arizona "Super" Cardinals, Sunday October 7th, noon CT (FOX).
There's no way Sam Bradford will still be upright and ambulatory by Week Five, right? (Rimshot!) Hey yo! I am on fire folks! Please, try the veal!
In all seriousness, this is the one game on the schedule that terrifies me. We all know the Chiefs are going to sh*t the bed at home to at least one inferior opponent, and probably in a way that defies all logic and reason *** . This is the worst team on the home schedule, on paper. (Which in and of itself is frightening; the "Super" Cardinals are a legit wild card threat, if not the best threat to the Rams ascendency to the top of the NFC West.) Circle me scared early, Bert. Circle me very scared.
(***: going back the last dozen or so years, you have (2017) Bills Week Twelve and Titans Wild Card game; (2016) Titans Week Fifteen; (2015) Bears Week Five; (2014) Titans Week One; (2013) Colts Week Sixteen; (2012) Pick a Game, Any Game, No Really -- Any Game; (2011) Miami Week Nine and those people Week Ten; (2010) raiders Week Seventeen and Ravens Wild Card game (already linked above in Week Three); (2009) those people Week Fourteen; (2008) raiders Week Two; (2007) any game involving "Brokie" Croyle; (2006) Ravens Week Fourteen; (2005) Eagles Week Four; (2004) Texans Week Three. (Pause). Yeah, I really do need to start posting recaps again ...)
Week Six: at oakland raiders, Sunday October 14th, 3:25pm CT (CBS).
For what might be the final time ... Sioux Falls, here I come. Because once your team moves to Vegas, we're road tripping it out there every year, instead of to The Garage in raider nation north.
Week Seven: at Cleveland Browns, Sunday October 21st, noon CT (CBS).
The Browns are going to cost someone a wild card berth via an upset win at The Factory of Sadness this fall. I pray it's not the Red and Gold (who usually find a way to lose in Cleveland ... or come within a dumb f*ck helmet toss, of doing so).
Week Eight: bye.
I have a family wedding in San Antonio the last week in October **** . Whatever you do, NFL Schedule Dude or Dudette, please, I beg, I implore you, do NOT do what you did this past season, and slate those people at Chiefs on this weekend.
Also, I would predict the Chiefs to be 5-2 entering the bye, on the schedule above. With anything worse than 4-3 being an abject disaster.
(****: which means that yes, once my cousin Zach gets married, I am the last one standing in my generation of my family that either (a) isn't / hasn't been married or (b) is shacking up with his baby mama. And to think people actually question whether or not I am sane. No -- really. People actually question if I am sane. Last time I checked, I ain't the one in my family with three kids within 2 1/2 years of each other.)
Week Nine: vs Los Angeles "Super" Chargers, Sunday November 4th, 3:25pm CT (CBS).
Either the Chiefs or the "Super" Chargers are winning the West. Here's the first of two potentially epic showdowns in the final half of the season.
I thought about scheduling this one for prime time ... only in this exercise in futility, (a) I'm saving another divisional rival for the Thursday nighter, (b) I'm saving a second divisional rival for a Monday nighter, and (c) Week Ten involves a prime time game not comprised of a divisional rival.
To say nothing of (d) my preferred season finale, which wouldn't stun me seeing it moved to prime time as the last game standing, based on where things stand in the AFC West 158 days out.
Also, the astute amongst you will note, I only have the Chiefs playing two division games in their first eight. Which means December will be loaded with divisional matchups. (Pause). You're damned right I think Mr. Mahomes will be better in December than he will be in October ...
Week Ten: vs Jacksonville Jaguars, Monday November 12th, 7:25pm CT (ESPN).
The Chiefs have lobbied for years to host the game on Veterans Day. For once, it happens. Plus, this is a fascinating matchup between two teams that will probably be favored to repeat as divisional winners ... but face really stiff tests from pretty much every other squad in said divisions, if health is good for all participants. (Seriously, the AFC South is not the joke it's always been anymore. When the Colts with a healthy Andrew Luck are all but assured last place, that's saying something.)
Week Eleven: at Los Angeles Rams, Sunday November 18th, 3:25pm CT (CBS).
Game played in Mexico City. I hope to be there. Because I cannot wait to see former Chief now Ram Marcus Peters square off against former Ram now Chief Sammy Watkins. That's gonna be fun.
Also, based on past history, this is the week this game will be played.
Having said that, brace yourselves, because it's REALLY short week time ...
Week Twelve: vs oakland raiders, Thursday November 22nd, 7:25pm CT (NBC).
Every year I do this exercise (and we're at pushing 20 years ... which reminds me, the Stevo NFL Coaches Power Poll is due in the next few posts, I would think ...), I always schedule those people at the Chiefs on Thanksgiving Night. And it has happened once, in 2006, the first prime time Thanksgiving game. (It helps that the Chiefs won, which was the tiebreaker that made the Immaculate Fourfecta work.)
This year? Frankly, those people are no longer relevant or good enough, to justify the prime time real estate that the Thanksgiving Night game is. So I'm subbing in the raiders instead.
And given what a party raiders week is once all of raider nation north arrives from Sioux Falls, sweet Jesus, what a week long party, this would be.
Week Thirteen: at New England Patriots, Sunday December 2nd, 3:25pm CT (CBS).
I have the Chiefs at 8-3 entering this one (L's to Steelers, "Super" Cardinals, and Rams). This one could have ginormous (I guess that's a word?) ramifications for the playoffs. Also, just like the Chiefs usually sh*t the bed once a year at home to an inferior opponent? The Patriots usually do too. Let's hope this is it.
Week Fourteen: at those people, Sunday December 9th, 3:25pm CT (CBS).
You're damned right I scheduled our (ok, my) most hated rival for two of the last four games of the season. I'm guessing I'll find a way to be there for this one. Assuming I don't miss kickoff because I just can't bring myself to leave one of Colorado's finest dispensaries ...
Week Fifteen: vs Cincinnati Bengals, Sunday December 16th, noon CT (CBS).
The only non-divisional game in the last four. Also, arguably the easiest of the last four.
Week Sixteen: vs those people, Monday December 24th, 7:25pm CT (ESPN).
This is, to put it mildly, "The Day Stevo Lives For". I have said for pushing thirty years that "I can live with 1-15 every year, so long as the 1 is those people at home". (A statement that nearly became reality ten years ago.)
I DESPISE the ... do I dare even say the name? (fidelity ad guy voice) Why not?
I DESPISE the denver broncos. I detest EVERYTHING about them. (Especially their fans -- one in particular ***** .)
Let's just say, I will not be sober, when kickoff occurs on donkey Day.
(*****: if I ever get around to posting the bests / worsts of the 2017 Chiefs season, without question -- (allard baird) without question! -- the certain winner of "funniest moment" will be when that said fan and I ran into each other in the security line entering the Redskins game. I cried the whole walk up to my seat, from laughing so damned hard at the utter bullsh*t that five minute
Which leaves us the finale, and damn, it has potential ...
Week Seventeen: at Los Angeles "Super" Chargers, Sunday December 30th, 3:25pm CT (CBS).
I can easily envision 10-5 Kansas City at 11-4 Los Angeles (or flip the records) as the last game of the 2018 NFL season. And given that we haven't lost to the "Super" Chargers on the road since a meaningless (for us, not for them) finale in 2013, I'll take my chances on the road, with a third straight division title on the line.
So there's the dream schedule for 2018. It's about as doable as possible, given the opponents we're going to face.
Up next if this goes according to plan, I begin to say goodbye to four Chiefs I really didn't want to lose -- 11, 91, 56 ... and 22.
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