time to get back on board the idol express ...

I love "American Idol". But I usually don't start watching until the show gets down to audience voting.

I can't stand the audition rounds. I have no desire to watch people with hideous voices and no talent stand in front of a judging audience and make complete and total asses out of themselves. I've been there, done that. At a Peoria Chiefs baseball game, as three drunk cougars in the front row were urging me on as I sang "Born to Be Wild" for a free Monical's Pizza.

(Ain't we lucky we got 'em? Good Times!!!)

But, once "Idol" gets to the point where the viewing public controls the outcome, I tune in with a passion.

So, here's my thoughts on Tuesday's performances as they unfold in front of me. I have not watched more than 3 minutes of "Idol" so far this year, so I'm pretty sure this will be my first introduction to this year's cast of characters. (marvin gaye voice) Let's get it on!

(Note: because I'm a freaking idiot, I am Youtube!ing the performances, based off the list on ew.com, and basing my reactions on that. Apparently, I forgot that last year, "Idol" auto-recorded on DirecTV ... and this year, I have Time Warner, so its not set up to record. D'oh!)

* Ricky Braddy, "A Song For You". I have never heard of this song, which is probably a good thing. The kid kind of looks a little like David Hernandez, although his voice is nowhere near as good as the adult entertainer's was last year. I say he's oversinging this. This is a perfectly mediocre 2 minute performance. I've heard worse, but far better.

Randy likes it. The new judge loves it. I guess I'm tone deaf, I wasn't a big fan. Pauler is nearly in tears verbally fellating this kid. Simon had the same reaction as me: it was decent, but it didn't rock the house.

* Danny Gokey, "Hero". Oh Christ, don't let it be the Penny Steinbrink version. She forever ruined this song for me. This kid looks goofy as hell. But his voice is pretty damned good. Actually this is pretty decent. I'm liking this a helluva lot more than Ricky's song. Pretty solid effort. One of the contenders to advance for sure.

Sweet Jesus, the new judge is going ape-sh*t over this. Randy loved it. So did she. Pauler struggling for words. "Sold out arenas"? How is that two words with hyphens Pauler? Simon: good but not fantastic. Exactly. I'm liking this new judge though, she's willing to throw down with the "randy Brit". At least verbally.

* Anoop Desai, "Angel of Mine". Ugh. I hate this song. Let's see what he can do with it. The way the band played the open, I actually started to sing "show me that smile again (show me that smile ...)". Totally opening riff sounded like the opening to the "Growing Pains" theme song. Oy. This is just not working. At all. Loving the crotch shot there, FOX. Side note: I've always loved how conservative the news division of FOX is, and how liberal the entertainment division is. Its neat. Anyways, thoroughly forgettable performance. Let's see what the judges think.

Randy, "Anoop Dogg in the house". Oh my, that's awful. Randy going off about pitch issues. New judge says it was a "hard song to sing". Huh huh, she said "hard". Pauler in full on seal clapping mode. I guess this kid has the fanbase to survive? Wait, are you kidding me, Pauler just compared him to Brian McKnight. Are you freaking kidding me? Listen to "Anytime" and tell me this kid is even in the ballpark with the great Brian McKnight. Simon not a fan either.

* Michael Sarver, "I Don't Wanna Be". ANYONE who knows me, knows this is one of my 5 or 6 favorite songs of all time. Hell, click on my profile on this site, its the first words that will greet you. I effing LOVE Gavin DeGraw. I effing LOVE this song. So I'll probably be too harsh on this kid. Here we go.

Three notes in, and its a trainwreck. He butchered the 2nd line of the first verse, bastard. The chorus, which should be uplifting, inspiring, dance-inspiring awesome, has me not even singing along. Good f*cking God this is awful. Go away. And he has this sh*t eating grin that just annoys me.

And now, he has the BACKUP singers doing THE key part of the song, when it goes acapella for "I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been lately ..." as you come out of the bridge? Jesus Christ, this guy is NOT getting my vote. BOO! BOO! (steve throwing rotten vegetables at computer monitor) BOO!

Time for the judges. Randy can't find a good part. The new judge trying to be polite. Its not working. Pauler: "I thought you did a real good job". Uuh, no, he didn't. He did piss poor. (bruce willis in "armageddon" voice) No, not poor. I said piss poor! She's noting all the solid "Idol" contestants who didn't defecate on this song. Simon admits he likes the guy, but the only way he's surviving is if his like for this guy translates in the vote. Simon urging America to give the guy another chance. Sorry champ. You f*ck up a top 10 Steve song, you don't deserve to survive.

* Brent Keith, "Hicktown". I'm not a Jason Aldean fan. We'll see how this goes. Hell, he already sounds better than Jason Aldean, that's a positive. Then again, my dog snoring at night sounds better than Jason Aldean, so I might be biased. Still, this is awful. He's going home. I'm pulling the plug, he just f*cked up the chorus. Goodnight and good luck.

* Stephen Fowler, "Rock With You". Interesting choice. Interesting. Rocking the late 70s Qaina shirt, I like it. This isn't that bad. The backup singers are awful, but this kid isn't that bad. No judges comments available, but I'm guessing he's got about a 20, 25 percent shot of getting through.

That's six guys, I assume six (joe biden voice) broads ... dolls ... toots ... are up next.

* Alexis Grace, "I Never Loved a Man the Way I Love You". Another song I've never heard of. This is actually pretty good. So far the best performance of the night. She looks a little freaky, which is neat. I like the pink highlights in the hair. All she needs is the nose stud that so f*cking turns me on ... anyways, back to the performance. Decent job. She's top 3 potential.

Randy talks about "dirtying herself up". Yeah. New judge: "the genie is out of the bottle with you!" Pauler on an incoherent ramble. Christ, I think I'm more sober typing this than Pauler is judging this. Simon liked it, says she reminds her of Kelly Clarkson. Uuh, I wouldn't go that far. Yet, anyways.

* Tatiana Del Toro, "Saving All My Love For You". Full disclosure: apparently Gregg hates this chick with a passion, so after giggling at his anti-Tatiana texts the last few weeks, I expect I'll agree with him. And taking on Whitney Houston? This early in the competition? Really? Is she nuts?

The first few lines are inaudible, she's down an octave. Not good. And then ... she starts to rally. This actually isn't that bad. She's singing this an octave too low, but its not bad. And she's hit the stretch, and she's doing pretty good. Although looking at her, the thought of "making love the whole night through" does NOT want me to bring the "slump" to an end. She needs a nose stud too.

* Ann Marie Boskovich, "Natural Woman". Another full disclosure moment: Carole King's "Tapestry" is probably my favorite cd, album, whatever you want to call it, it f*cking rules the world. Seriously, that cd just rocks the house. I know half my readers are like "wait a second, Aretha sang that song". Yes, yes she did. Just like James Taylor sang "You've Got a Friend". Both songs are on "Tapestry", because Carole King wrote them and performed them first. Anyways, my point being, I'm probably not going to enjoy this ...

On the other hand, she looks pretty hot ...

the morning rain / ah oop! ... feel uninspired / ah oop! another day / ah oop! so tired / ah oop!

The first verse was good. Hell, I was doing the Murphy Brown "ah oop!"s along with her performance. But the chorus ... yikes. This fell apart fast.

Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent. Not advancing to the top 12.

* Jackie Tohn, "A Little Less Conversation". Another song I have no idea what the hell it is. This actually isn't half bad. Actually, this is really good. She's the best chick on tonight so far. I am actually digging this. Good job! I'd put her through to the top 12. Then again, I'm still angry, broken and bitter over Blake not winning two years ago, so what do I know.

* Stevie Wright, "You Belong to Me". Holy crap, how the hell is this girl in the top 36? Her voice is AWFUL! I'd rather listen to myself sing, and my voice is just about the worst sound in the world. And she f*cked up the opening. Nice. Goodbye.

* Casey Carlson, "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic". One of my favorite Police songs. And she immediately earns my wrath by changing the lyrics. To say nothing of not having the voice to pull this off. I'm pulling the plug, she has no chance to advance.

My guess is Alexis, Danny, and Anoop advance. Per ew.com, the advancees are ...

Alexis! Danny! And Michael?!?! Are you kidding me? He aborted "I Don't Wanna Be" worse than ... well, Dr. Tiller in a Wichita Planned Parenthood clinic. He absolutely murdered that song. And he advances over "Anoop Dogg"?!?! (tony bruno voice) Its an outrage!

Anyways, more next week. When the next group of 12 show down, hoe down, throw down for a shot to become the next singer to fail to make a mark on the American public. Hooray?