* No float trip in mid July to get away for a weekend of sun-soaked, wiffle-ball playing, brownie-eating, “I swear to God, if “Its Beer 30, and I’m Beer Thirsty” comes on one more time, I’m going to lose it!” fun times. (To say nothing of missing the 20th annual Homemade Bikini Contest at the bar down there. You just don’t want to miss milestone anniversaries like that).
* No 311 concert with buddies wearing their t-shirts like a turban. (I’m still waiting for the friggin picture. I need a new profile pic on this site.) Sadly, no Matt Nathanson, or Dave, or Ben Harper concerts either. Actually, the only concerts I went to last year were all last spring, all involved member(s) of one band, and were all indoors on cold or rainy nights. Yikes.
* No trip(s) to Indy. Missing either the Brickyard or the 500, it happens. Missing both is unthinkable for me.
* No biting my tongue for two straight days at the lake as countless people verbally fellate Barack Obama as if he was the greatest man to ever draw breath, when all I wanted to do was grab the HHH Memorial Sledge Hammer and clean house like they were the Spanish Announcing Table. No, wait -- this is a good thing. I think.
* The Blazer bit the dust. My favorite car I’ve ever owned. Emphasis on “owned” – now I’m stuck with a car payment, higher insurance rates, and no four wheel drive for those days (like most of the last couple months around here) when it snows. And yet …
* Perhaps worst of all … I’m going gray up top. I discovered this a month ago, and immediately came unhinged. Gray! Little specs of gray hairs all over the top of my head! How? How in the hell does this happen at 33?!?! In the words of the great Anthony J. Bruno, "this is an outrage!” I nearly dropped dead where I stood from panic and fear.
(Yes, I am that self conscious. Just about anything else in life, you can make fun of me for. And the odds are, I’ll beat you to your punchline. But showing signs of being “old” at 33? Seriously? I have a (no longer self described!) hot-as-hell image to project! You can’t be “hot as hell” at 33 with gray hair. It’s not possible.)
But, there were some good things from last year. Here’s your (somewhat) look back at 2009, and the first month of 2010, via everyone’s favorite column, the fake mailbag!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* “There are positives to going gray early buddy! Just look at me!” – Dusty J, Overland Park.
I will grant that, in the words of Ryan Lefebvre, you have “punted well beyond your coverage”. And if it was just gray hair, fine. But apparently you missed the part where (unlike you) I don’t exercise, don’t eat healthy, am stressed out over my job, and as a result, awake still buzzed more often than Annie’s character on “90210”. And all she did was kill a homeless dude while driving drunk, whose drug dealing stalker nephew that’s out to avenge his death, she’s now banging on a nightly basis. There’s nothing positive about going gray. Nothing.
* “90210” references? Panicking over gray hair? You sure you didn’t mean to drop the R in “going gray”?” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
I knew that was coming. (chris matthews voice) Ha! Funny, sir! I’m just surprised it took two questions for it to be asked.
* “What was your favorite sporting event last year?” – Drew K, Shawnee.
For the Royals, I’ll go with the Cardinals loss on a Sunday … because the tailgating rocked (90 plus degrees, plus Dusty made this awesome chicken strip stuff), and we scored seats in the front row of center field for a few innings. For the Jayhawks, football I’ll go with the MU game, even though we lost, that was a fun thing to be at. Basketball I’d have to go with the OU game in Norman. I know they didn’t have Blake Griffin, but for a rebuilding year to end with a conference title and a trip to the Sweet Sixteen, I’ll take it. Chiefs, has to be the Pittsburgh game. Solid tailgate, last game in shorts, and the Chiefs rally for the win in overtime. We need more Steelers efforts, and less raiders / Giants / Cowboys / Chargers / donkeys / Bills / Browns efforts next fall.
As for the BuKCs … well, keep reading. They’ll show up eventually.
* “Favorite song from last year?” – Kellie B, Kansas City.
I can tell you what isn’t my favorite song -- anything off the Black Eyed Peas cd. Listening to them makes me want to do one of those three words, probably on the other two words. The two worst Chiefs games for me this year, this effing cd played for multiple hours during tailgating. It’s not a coincidence. (fake enthusiasm voice) I can’t wait to listen to this crap at Royals tailgating this summer! Yay! Woo! Black Eyed Peas rule! Now excuse me while I go bash my head against the wall until I’m in a coma.
But, since you asked, my favorites from last year:
Honorable mention: “Down” by Jay Sean (featuring Lil’ Wayne). The one song that doesn’t really fit on this list, because it’s not really the type of music I like … but it’s addictive.
5. “Shimmer and Shine” by Ben Harper and the Relentless 7. This is why I pay for Sirius XM, to hear quality, remarkable, intriguing stuff like Ben Harper. The next time a local KC station plays Ben Harper will be the first. Which is why, even at work, I refuse to listen to local radio. I bring the iPod or go online.
4. “Breakeven” by The Script. I’m shocked this one wasn’t higher. I love the sound, I love the lyrics, just a fun, catchy tune about a guy falling to pieces after his girl dumps him. “What am I gonna do / When the best part of me was always you, and / What am I supposed to say / When I’m all choked up and you’re ok, I’m / I’m falling to pieces, yeah … / Falling to pieces, yeah …” Good times!
3. “Heartbreak World” by Matt Nathanson. Yes, technically, the cd this song is on was released in late 2008 … but I didn’t buy the cd until January 2009. Judges’ decision says … yes! It’s allowed in the countdown! (You’re damned right my judges are bought off like a Russian figure skating judge. Its my site, after all). The words kind of perfectly summed up the year, at least for me.
2. “Funny the Way It Is” by Dave Matthews Band. The best song Dave’s released since “The Space Between Us”. The best cd he’s released since … uuh … that live effort with him and Tim Reynolds. And that was out like a decade ago.
1. “I and Love and You” by the Avett Brothers. I can’t even begin to do this song justice. Its beyond incredible.
* “What is the best idea you’ve heard of this past year?” – Katie H, Lenexa.
Easy. From the “30 at 30” documentary on the USFL … bring back a summer football league! You’re telling me this wouldn’t work?
I should probably note: I’m unfairly biased towards the USFL, or any summer sports league for that matter, because I freaking love summer! (Note: not the adult entertainer G and Jasson and I went to high school with, but the season. Although in fairness, how do you top the “guys, I know this chick from somewhere … wait … wait, its coming to me … oh my freaking God! That’s (insert name here!) We went to high school with her!” on the unintentional comedy scale when you visit an adult entertainment establishment? Nothing says awkward like giving a chick you shared first period English with a 20 to get you, uuh, “inspired” to stick around for awhile …)
Seriously, you mean to tell me you wouldn’t pay $20 / game to watch even semi-pro football in the summer? (keyshawn voice) Come on, man! We already shell out that much to watch the Royals lose 11-1 every Sunday! Tell me this isn’t an ideal day:
Wake up at noon. Have fun with the girlfriend, wife, friend with benefits, and/or desperate yet strangely alluring chick you picked up at the Eclipse the night before. Load the coolers, head over, fill up the bus and ambulance by 2. Hit the gates by 2:15. Gates open at 2:30 for a 7pm kickoff. (And if they don’t, just follow our tailgating buddy Carl in via his tried and proven method of early entry!) Tailgate the afternoon away in 90 plus degree sunshine. Assume that I lose another 3 washer games minimum to Dusty, to push the losing streak into the 3 million range. After enjoying the best summer has to offer (Russ’ corned beef, Monty’s steak kabobs, Nancy’s artichoke dip, Mona’s baked beans, Katie’s jello shots, Gregg’s grilling, Hooter’s chicken wings, Ashley’s burritos (good anytime of year, I swear); Brent’s t-shirt turban, Dusty’s brownies (yeah, I know, Kellie’s are really, really good … but they ain’t Dusty’s), and of course, my vodka tonics), its football under the lights. Head home afterwards, its still in the high 80s at 11pm (because its summer), so you end the day by hitting the pool for a quick game of volleyball, and some more adult beverages, and once the “grownups” pass out, you hit some of the plant (possibly) growing in the weeds behind said pool while sitting in the hot tub. Tell me that’s not the best imaginable summer day!
OK, ok, you’re right. That’s a typical Chiefs preseason game. But – but! – to make this 0.0000000001% better, you need to realize its legit football, not preseason, we’d be watching. No matter what, this beats getting up at 9, foregoing the bake part of waking up, realizing you’re sleeping next to a chick you scored at the Eclipse (Raytown’s answer to the “Jersey Shore” bar), and watching the Royals lose by 10, right? I say yes. And since it’s my site, I’m right.
That, and tailgating is always better for football than baseball. Not sure why, but it just is.
I agree with Carl Peterson, with Jim Mora, with Chet Simmons (USFL commish), with Mike Tollin, with the Sports Guy – the USFL needs to come back, because a summer pro league WOULD work! Someone needs to make this happen. Especially if it’s Vince McMahon via the XFL2 route. We can’t get enough Brian Bosworth commentary in our lives. “That’s a live ball!”
* “What was your favorite TV episode last year?” – Megan K, Berlin.
Easy.
(I suspect it might be yours as well. And if it’s not, it’s probably in your top 10).
“LaFleur”.
My favorite “Lost” episode ever. I don’t know who came up with pairing Juliet and Sawyer, but they should be inducted into the Brilliant Idea Hall of Fame. This whole hour was just me sitting on the couch with one huge goofy ass grin on my face, watching the incredible chemistry between Josh Holloway (Sawyer) and Elizabeth Mitchell (Juliet). The flower Sawyer picked for her. I’m not a romantic type of person. (everyone who knows me voice) no sh*t Sherlock! I don’t show a lot of passion or emotion when it comes to anything other than the Chiefs, and occasionally politics. But even I melted a little at that scene. And the ending set in motion the lead-up to the reset the season ended with, as Jack, Kate and Hurley showed up on the beach. Awesome hour of television. I can’t believe there’s only 17 more special hours like this to go now.
And since we're now on "Lost" ...
* "What did you think of the season premiere?" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.
I was utterly speechless. You know how in life there's things that are so overly hyped, that you get so excited for, that it can't possibly live up to the expectations? That was not "Lost" last night. Nope, last night's episode was one of those rare moments when something not only lives up to the hype, it exceeds it. (Think "reading this blog", if you will. You check every day, hoping I posted something. Then bammo, I come back at you with a 16 page fake mailbag, and you're so excited you're hyperventilating. You're thinking "16 pages! Sweet Jesus! My day is made! Or is it ... because this might just be some stupid pointless ramble ..." So you gamble on it being good. And it's not only good, you start forwarding this to other people saying "hey, this guy can write! (dick vitale voice) He's awesome baby with a capital A!")
My point being, I tend to exceed your already sky-high expectations. And "Lost" last night exceeded any and all sky-high expectations.
(Spoiler alert: skip down three paragraphs if you haven't seen the episode yet, or if you don't care ...)
I love the flash sideways. I love the dual realities. The thing that I dig so much about this show is even when you know what's coming (and let's be honest, there's no way Jughead was going to fail), even when you know what's coming, Team Darlton STILL finds a way to deliver it in a unique, totally unexpected fashion. You get to see that yes, Jughead worked, and the Losties are now all back in 2007, all working towards the looming final showdown between Fake Locke's side and Dead Jacob's side. (I also love that we still have no clue which one is good, and which one is evil.) But you also get to see that because Jughead worked, reality as it existed has changed forever, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in dramatic fashion. Its the ultimate "what if" game that I love so much. This is gonna be fun to watch play out.
I also loved that we got some answers last night. We know who the smoke monster is. We know why the ash circles matter. We find out what happened to the kidnapped stewardess and the kids from way back in season one. We learned how Ben got healed last season. We learned that dead does indeed mean dead on the island.
The only two things I didn't like were how Sayid's situation played out, and how Juliet's situation played out. Especially Juliet's. Again, it was inevitable, based (a) on the storyline, and (b) because she's moved on to star in "V". But still. Juliet was my favorite character. Sad stuff.
* “So Todd Haley is coming back. Your thoughts?” – Heath C, Harrisonville.
I’m furious. Look it, I’m sure Haley made a lot of rookie mistakes last year that will be corrected in 2010. He’s already corrected his initial gigantic goof (not having an offensive coordinator).
But what, if anything, did anyone who stakes a citizenship in Arrowhead Nation see this year to convince you that Todd Haley can take this team deep into the postseason? Let alone get there? He’s not capable of controlling his emotions on the sideline. He makes irrational and insane personnel decisions based on his personal feelings, rather than what is best for the organization. (Benching DJ for most of the year is beyond a fireable offense in my book. It’s a lynchable offense).
Having said that …
* “You’re renewing in 2010, right? I mean, come on man! If section 132 loses its heart and soul, what do I have left to sell?” – Scott P, One Arrowhead Drive.
Fitting that as I type up your question, the rendition of the National Anthem from the home opener in 2006 against Cincinnati pops up on the iPod. Performed by the amazing, awe-inspiring Ida McBeth.
I have a week to decide. And I haven’t decided yet. I’m that whizzed off at your decision to keep Haley, fake Scott P. This might be my "Fire John Mackovic Memorial Breaking Point" moment. I simply cannot stomach the idea of flushing another $1000 plus down the toilet to watch a team led by, in the words of Rahm Emanual, a "f*cking retard". Seriously, you came up through the Belichick and Parcells ranks. The best thing those two have always had going for them, other than on-field brilliance, is that they cut someone too soon rather than keep giving them chances to fail. That's true both on the field, and on the sidelines. If you suck at your job, you suck at your job. Cut them and move on. Its harsh, its cruel, but its why Parcells has coached in three Super Bowls, Belichick has coached in four, and they're 5-2 in those seven games. This ... this is not going to be an easy decision to make.
(translation: of course I'm renewing.)
* “What’s your ideal Chiefs schedule for 2010?” – Justin B, Olathe.
Well, since we now know the opponents fully and completely …
Week One: Sunday September 12, at Texans (noon).
Week Two: Sunday September 19, vs raiders (noon).
Week Three: Sunday September 26, at Browns (noon).
Week Four: Sunday October 3, at Seahawks (3pm).
Week Five: Monday October 11, vs broncos (7:30pm)
Week Six: bye
Week Seven: Sunday October 24, at raiders (3pm)
Week Eight: Sunday October 31, vs Titans (noon)
Week Nine: Sunday November 7, vs Chargers (noon)
Week Ten: Sunday November 14, at Rams (noon)
Week Eleven: Sunday November 21, vs Bills (noon)
Week Twelve: Sunday November 28, at Chargers (noon)
Week Thirteen: Sunday December 5, vs Cardinals (noon)
Week Fourteen: Sunday December 12, at broncos (3pm)
Week Fifteen: Sunday December 19, vs 49ers (noon)
Week Sixteen: Sunday December 26, at Colts (noon)
Week Seventeen: Sunday January 2, vs Jaguars (noon)
My rationale behind it:
1. The three do-able roadies are split well apart (for financial reasons). Open at Houston. Go to St Louis at midseason. End at Indy.
2. We get our first prime time game since the visit to the black hole week 16 2006 … and we get it in a huge, momentum shifting moment. The way I drew up the schedule, 2-2 is highly likely, 3-1 is extremely possible, and 4-0 isn’t a crack-pipe dream. Say we’re 2-2 going into that game. You beat denver, have two weeks to prepare for oakland (where we’ve won 7 straight) … and then have 3 of the next four at home, and the roadie is at St. Louis, where there will be more Chiefs fans in the stands than Rams fans. You’re staring 2006 in the face all over again. That denver game in 2010, is set up to be San Diego in 2006, the springboard to an improbable, “how did this happen!” playoff berth.
3. Yes, our four “toughest” games are in the last six … but Arizona is at home, we’ve finally gotten over the fake mile high curse, and the Colts will likely be benching everyone by the time we roll into Indy. And we usually play well in San Diego, this year being the exception.
Moving on …
* “You’ve been harsh on the President. I know I’ve heard you say “I hate that illegitimate bastard” before. And yet, you strongly support his initial (and basically, the House’s) plan for health care, and won’t criticize him over the blanket bailout of the “irresponsible” folks in life. Why?” – Shannon H, Harrisonville.
First of all, the phrase “illegitimate bastard” should never disappear from our vocabulary. It’s a neat phrase. At least to me, anyways.
However, I won’t rip him on health care because he’s absolutely right. The only way to reduce costs is (a) to insure everyone, and/or (b) to ration care. Since (b) is apparently (short-sightedly) off the table, that leaves (a). And since for-profit insurance companies won’t voluntarily do the right thing and offer to insure anyone willing to pay, the government must step in.
(I have no issues with insurance companies making money. Hell, I work for an insurance company, I know they need to make money. What I do have issues with, is an insurance company making money based on screwing with people’s lives. There’s a reason why we have laws forbidding cops and firefighters from going on strike. If there’s no public safety net, people are screwed. Same deal here. Ban discrimination on pre-existing conditions, and make health insurance like car insurance – cover the catastrophic, and you pay out of pocket for the routine. And require everyone to have at least a basic minimum coverage. There, problem solved, in a manner that not even the Party of No can oppose. Well, they could, and probably would, because the next original idea a Republican has that doesn't involve launching an unwinnable war, will be the first since 1994. But still.)
I also won’t rip the President on expanding the welfare state, on expanding the safety net of life, on bailing out folks who did their damnest to live the American dream … because I live in District 6. The recession may have hit the JC or Briarcliff. It has DESTROYED my area of town. Absolutely leveled it. (Literally, in one shining example of inept planning).
Seriously, if you want to grasp just how horrid this recession is, do yourself a favor. Come drive one of our main routes out here sometime. I swear, I promise, you’ll only get shot at twice. OK, ok, maybe three times. Hop in the car, take 435 to the 63rd / 350 exit, and head east. Turn right on James A Reed (right before you hit the 350 interchange). Drive James A Reed from 63rd south to 107th. Then take 107th west to Blue Ridge. Take Blue Ridge south to Red Bridge. Take Red Bridge west to Grandview. Take Grandview north to Bannister. Take Bannister east to Raytown. Take Raytown north to Gregory. Take Gregory west to 435, and then you can flee back to “The JC”. While doing this, add up the number of “for sale” signs, or lovely pink or yellow “Foreclosure” notices in the windows on your route.
Then, assuming you’ve survived the random gunfire and carjacking attempts, and haven’t ducked on the floor when you see the crack sales and dice games at every corner … add up your running tally, just on the major routes in the district, of the number of “for sale” and “foreclosed” houses. I guarantee you, just on this quick 20-25 minute drive, you’ll top 50. And that’s the “major” thoroughfares. Not the side streets. Not the dead end cul-de-sacs. That’s the major traveled routes.
(And I didn’t even take you down 87th Street, or 67th Street, or Hillcrest, or Hickman Mills, or 79th Street. You wanna try those out too, you’ll top 100).
To drive the point home, consider what we’ve lost just in a 5 square mile radius in the last year --
5. Our closest bowling alley closed last winter. When the bowling alley folds, that’s not a good sign.
4. The Gordman’s in that same complex closed last winter. When discount retailers can’t make it, that’s not a good sign.
3. The ghetto Apple Market (and accompanying party store) shut down last winter. I know I call it the “ghetto” Apple Market, but it was a fully functioning grocery store and liquor store, just with deeply discounted prices to reflect the fact that, well, we’re struggling big time out here. The lesson: when even the minority-run supermarket willing to operate at a loss for the betterment of the community, when even they are giving up, you know it’s bad.
2. The Big Lots shut down. At least I got a new mattress out of that closure for a deeply discounted price. Still. This one hurt. I like Big Lots.
1. Buh-bye Bannister Mall. Its currently a hole in the ground because the Wizards, uuh, whizzed on their duty and obligation to follow through and redevelop the area, instead bolting for WyCo for a boatload of bribe money. I’d like to blame the Wizards, but honestly, given KCMO’s general incompetence at governing, I can’t blame them for deciding “screw it, we can’t trust these guys to get the job done”. Still, a fatal blow to my part of the community. I’m not sure what saves Bannister now. Or if it can be saved.
And I didn’t even get into almost or completely abandoned strip malls, like the ones at Red Bridge and Blue Ridge; 87th and Blue Ridge; 67th and Blue Ridge; 63rd and Blue Ridge; (multiple) Bannister and James A Reed; 103rd and Grandview; 87th to 95th and Hillcrest; Hickman Mills and Red Bridge; Bannister and Blue Ridge. Even the strip mall where Randy’s old office was 15 years ago, is nothing but a deserted Harold Pener outlet, a pay-as-you-go cellphone store, and a boarded up fitness center now. You want to see how bad things really are? Come to my part of town.
The next time you want to b*tch at the Democratic Congress, or the President, for seeming to bail “irresponsible” folks out – that’s certainly your right. But understand, most of us aren’t “irresponsible” or “living beyond our means”. We’re just trying to hold on to the little bit we have left. Before it abandons us too.
* “Wow, that was pretty depressing. Tough times, money tight, struggling to make ends meet … my way of saying, we need a Favorite Day of the Year Countdown! (pausing) Uuh, were there any favorite days of 2009?” – Damien J, Midtown.
Sure! There’s always a reason to celebrate:
5. February 15th. Ayden’s first birthday party! Highlighted by Ayden having his first taste of cake … liking it … and then grabbing the whole damned thing and dumping it on his head. If you replaced “cake” with “booze”, he’s a natural for my family!
4. July 24th. Megan’s Homecoming Tailgate. Really good times had by all. Another one of those “let’s make this an annual deal” type of get-togethers. OK, not really, this is a “let’s make this a “the Royals are home on a Sunday? Sweet! Tailgate starts at 10am!” type of get-together.
3. October 11th. Chiefs! Cowboys! The game I was most looking forward to, and it delivered. An epic overtime struggle that put the nail in the coffin of the Chiefs season, and saved the Cowboys. An epic tailgate with good friends from the Metroplex and beyond. My 2,093,874th loss in a row at washers to Dusty. (Approximate number: reality says it’s probably higher). The only thing that sucked was the weather.
2. May 1st. Steve lives on his own for the first time since … uuh … well … ever. I won’t lie: I miss “the couch” every night. But there’s something to be said for being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it.
1. August 22nd. The 300,001st ounce Tailgate! Overall, it was all I’d hoped for. Good friends showing up for an afternoon of drinking? (check). Last summer tailgate? (check). Good games of washers, ladder toss, and rolling down the hill? (check). Everyone actually getting along for once this summer? (check). Next August, we do 325,001! (OK, ok, I kid, I kid … 350,001 …)
* “The Bradley Center is ready for you all!” – John H, Milwaukee.
(archie voice) We ready … We ready … We ready … I hadn’t been to a NBA game in 4 years (Boston at Dallas, December 2005). I was so ready for this.
And man, did your boys deliver. A solid win by the BuKCs over a team they’re chasing for the last couple playoff berths. A game that really wasn’t close in the second half, a comfortable BuKCs win. More on this coming up … if only to give “Brent S” a question …
* “Your boy did make the Chase. Now he just needs a legit owner!” – Gus B, Raytown.
Yup. Thankfully, less than a year until the Budweiser 9 car heads to Stewart Haas Racing. Sweet Jesus, my favorite driver AND Gregg’s favorite driver … as teammates. What are we gonna fight about then? Wait, the world is collapsing here, let me set it right …
* “You like the new spring race setup?” – Chris R, Overland Park.
Yes. IRL on Saturday, and a week later (now in May), to allow for a solid day of tailgating in the sun, and then if we’re up for it, the trucks the next day. The key race goes first. What a concept.
* “Idol’s back!” – Ashley K, Shawnee.
Yup. Although I don’t usually watch until we reach Hollywood. If I wanted to watch pieces of dog crap make an ass of themselves, I’d go watch “deadbeat ex-roommate” play softball.
* “Hunter is on Hulu! And imdb.com! You have to be psyched!” – Jason W, Lenexa.
I’m beyond psyched. Between Hunter and A-Team reruns, I’m shocked I get anything done at work. “It works for me!” Hell yes it does! “I love it when a plan comes together!” Hell yes I do!
Time to wrap this up …
* “So how did you end the year that was?” – Captain Obvious, Super Heroes Lounge.
The same as I always do. Watch Strokey Dick Clark on the couch … toast a few happy moments … toast a few sad moments … and pull up the saddest song ever on the iPod -- “Same Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. I’m not a fan of New Year’s. If only because three days later, I turn another year older, and start counting the gray hairs.
* “Happy late birthday! Let me guess – you went to unincorporated Douglas County’s finest shack!” – Brooke B, Milwaukee.
Thanks! It was a good one. Chiefs beat denver. Jets clinch a playoff berth. Spent a happy day with my second family, and the best friends money can’t buy. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I never failed to be amazed at how many awesome friends I have. I have definitely out-kicked my coverage in the friends department.
Sadly, however, I did not visit the “Outback” for a “steak” or three. Dumb decision on my part – its two for one “steak” night on Sundays. But speaking of smart decisions …
* “Hello Wisconsin!” – Brent S, Incorporated Johnson County, KS.
I think the real highlight, other than the obvious ones coming up, was Gregg’s email to me when we got back. “I loved the town and am ready to go back!” I’ve been saying that for two years! Remember, I’m the guy who, upon leaving the Metrodome in December seven years ago, swore I’d never step foot anywhere that was colder than Kansas City. Since then, I’ve broken that promise twice. To go to Milwaukee.
There isn’t a funner city in America to visit than Milwaukee. I am fully aware that in the 50 some odd hours I was there, (a) it never got above 20 degrees, (b) it snowed all morning Saturday thanks to the lake effect, and (c) “Shawsome” happened. Yet still, Milwaukee rules.
Here’s your quick recap as best I remember my portion of the weekend (and the rest of you can feel free to contribute via email or the comments, I’ll post whatever you have to say …)
Arrived in town about 5pm on Friday. After a couple cold ones with the cousin and her husband, we were off for the Friday night fish fry at Lakefront Brewery. And holy cow, that did NOT disappoint! I expected the community seating. What I didn’t expect, was to be next to two nice folks with three little kids … that actually were respectful, obedient, and not completely out of control. As I noted leaving the deal, “parents that actually act like parents, you don’t see that much anymore”. The fish fry was just sick. I expected two of the beer battered cod and a couple French fries, based on KC expectations for a $10 plate. Instead, I got more French fries than even God could eat, and four friggin huge cod sticks. Incredible.
Plus, two words guaranteed to liven up any occasion: Polka Band! Yes! An authentic polka band playing! As I noted numerous times, if it wasn’t so damned cold up there for half the year, I’d be moving to Milwaukee yesterday.
As the fish fry died down, we were offered two choices for the next stop. Either (a) we could reign it in, and drive to a dive bar close to the cousin’s home, or (b) we could completely let loose and walk to another dive bar even closer to home. Despite the fact it was well below freezing … we opted for (b). Best decision of the weekend.
Joe’s! Actually I have no idea what the name of the bar is. But Joe is the owner, so I’m going with Joe’s. We got there about 7:30pm on Friday night. The only way I can describe this place, is that it hasn’t changed in 30 years. If you walked into a bar on some random night in 1978, that is exactly what Joe’s looked like. Right down to the authentic shuffle board table, the spindles separating areas, the “smokers welcome” policy, the old school Brewers pennant, the dirt cheap prices, and the hot-as-holy-hell bartender that you never saw coming. (Or is that, the hot-as-holy-hell bartender you want to see coming? (rimshot!) … thank you, thank you, I’m here all week …)
Plus, another great thing about Milwaukee bars – they have a built in expectation of you bringing your kids with you. Joe’s had Candyland and a bunch of other board games. Candyland though – when the hell was the last time we played Candyland? 1983? I freaking love Milwaukee.
(if you look in the back left, you can see the board games ...)
Like I said, we got there about 7:30. We left a little bit before 2am. For the four of us, between (my) ten plus Captain and cokes, (Craig’s) 10 plus PBR’s, (Brooke’s) 10 plus beers and vodka drinks, (Katie’s) 10 plus beers and vodka drinks, and the “set yourself on fire” shots, we easily, easily, consumed $600 plus in booze if we were in a typical KC bar. Easily. Between the four of us, we easily had 60 adult beverages.
Our tab? Not even $100.
We stumbled home somehow about 2am. About 11 the next morning, it was time for brunch. At some awesome place called Grand Café Centraal, off “KK” in South Milwaukee. I’d been told all week leading up to this brunch, that Milwaukee is the underrated Bloody Mary capital of America. Calling it "underrated" ... is an huge understatement.
Craig ordered the “Milwaukeean”, the garnishments for the bloody mary being ridiculous. It had a block of cheese and a strip of bacon in it for crying out loud. I ordered the “South American”, with a jalapeno pepper, asparagus, a green bean, and a pickle as the garnishment, with a heavy infusion of the cayenne pepper in the drink. I was sweating just looking at it. And loved every damned drop of it. Plus, this being Milwaukee … your bloody mary comes with a solid 6oz chaser! I chose some dark local beer that was really good.
One thing about Milwaukee – every damned plate of food is so large, you can’t finish it. Its not possible. Even Gregg, the king of eating everything presented to him, even Gregg couldn’t finish dinner on Saturday night at the bar we went to. When that guy can’t finish off a chicken sandwich …
Anyways, after brunch, off to the Harley Davidson museum! After realizing it was nearly $20 to take the tour, we passed. Then it was off to the Grand Avenue shops for some, uuh, shopping. And then, a couple special moments.
First, me and the Fonz. Yup, we found the bronzed Fonzie statue (Water Street on the Riverwalk on the north side of the Wells Fargo building, for future reference), and of course I had to pose with it.
(aaaaaaay!)
Then it was off to find Russ’s park bench. We gave up trying to figure out which one it was, so instead, we hit the main park downtown, and got a couple action shots of me being homeless. Good times!
(all that's missing is justin timberlake singing to raise funds for "homelessville" ...)
The plan was to hit up Lakefront Brewery for the tour next, but they were sold out for the day. So instead, back to the cousin’s to watch some hoops and wait for the rest of the group to stumble out of the Miller Brewery tour. About 4ish, we met up at John Hawk’s, an English pub downtown, and then it was off for the first of multiple visits to Major O’Goolighy’s, the bar I dropped my biggest tab ever at two years ago in my first visit to Milwaukee. After a couple hours there, it was off to the Bradley Center. Gregg and Brent had pre-passes to meet the GM, good times there. We scored decent seats at midcourt, 9th row of the upper deck. Exactly where I’d want to sit if I had season tickets for the NBA, actually.
The Bradley Center … as I kept noting, “this is a sh*ttier version of Kemper”. I was not impressed. It definitely was a 1980s arena. Plus, to get something other than pop or beer, you had to go back down to the 100 level. If KU, MU, or KSU winds up opening there in the NCAA tourney next month (and odds are, at least one will), and you follow your team up there, you’ll get what I’m saying. A crappier version of Kemper. Although at least they had escalators to get you between all the levels, Kemper never had that.
(this just in: dude is pretty good.)
The game itself was fun. The BuKCs pulled away in the second quarter, and never looked back. I’m not sure why Beasley and Super Mario never played – both warmed up, since I was taking pictures of them. But hey, whatever gets the BuKCs a win, its all good.
After the game, it was back to Major O’Goolighy’s. Only, “Shawsome” had an epic meltdown on the two walk block over there. Not sure what triggered it, but something about “don’t laugh at me! I know you’re laughing at me!” Good grief girl. If people are laughing at you, its probably because you’re drunk, high, or just freaking funny. No matter which of those scenarios is right, its all good! Anyways, poor Brent was stuck having to deal with her emotional outburst, as me, Gregg, Katie and Ashley just kept laughing and making fun of the situation. Every time we’d look over, “Shawsome” was in meltdown mode, and Brent had a “sweet effing Jesus, get me out of this” look on his face. Poor Brent. The guy’s a trooper.
Then, it was off to Joe’s, again! I lasted two double screwdrivers. I don’t remember anything from ordering the first one … until a couple hours later, when I woke up panicked because I had no clue where Katie was. She was fine, I just forgot / never remembered she was heading back to Joe’s. Where she closed the joint down, then continued to close the joint down until like 7:30 the next morning.
And that’s about it. I definitely plan to go back for Summerfest, especially for that magical evening when the one musician I would kill to see live that I’ve never seen live, shows up to perform. You’re damned right 2010 is the year I finally see Jimmy Buffett live. Then again, I've never seen Tim McGraw either, and he's the headliner on June 24th ...
Finally …
* “I'm a good gambler! I know how to play! I’ve lost thousands of dollars playing (poker!)”
“Cheaters! F*cking cheaters! You all are cheating me!”
“You wanna throw down? Let’s go! (removes shirt) Let’s f*cking go!” – Chad C, KCK.
Yup, its my family. It ain’t a holiday unless a bookie and a drunken idiot are ready to throw down as the cops are on their way. And to think people wonder why some folks in my family “drink to excess” …
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