the week thirteen prognostications

"Gentlemen, if you lose this game, you will take it to your f*cking graves."
(pauses, takes a couple steps to the door, then turns around)
"Your f*cking graves!"
(walks out of locker room)

-- Herb Brooks' entire pregame speech to the 1980 US Hockey team, prior to the gold medal game against Finland.

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Sorry for no picks last week. Between the holiday, dog sitting, and for the second straight year, seeing my alma mater (probably) whiff on a BCS championship game berth by one stinking point because a team wearing red couldn't close out the upset, I wasn't in the prognosticating mood.

The Non-Chiefs Picks:

* Texans (+8) 30, at Eagles 24. The Bears showed how to beat the Eagles -- air it out against a depleted secondary. Few teams do that better than the Houston Texans, who sneak back into the divisional and wildcard race with a upset victory in Philly Thursday night.

* Rams (-3) 27, at Cardinals 6. You can make a legitimate argument Arizona is the worst team in the League. The Rams crawl back to .500 and maintain a share of the NFC West lead.

* at Bucs (+3) 28, Falcons 20. Bucs nearly won in Atlanta a couple weeks ago, as the Falcons needed a goalline stand inside the final minute to win. First of three straight winnable roadies for the Falcons, but the Bucs need this one more, and find a way to win it at home.

* Bears (-3) 31, at Lions 0. The Detroit of the 2nd half against New England shows up for both halves this week.

* 49ers (+10) 24, at Packers 17. Just a hunch. Green Bay coming off a tough last-second loss in Atlanta, San Francisco's last gasp. A ridiculous hunch, true. But I'd play it. Especially getting 10.

* at Colts (-5 1/2) 45, Cowboys 17. This one has "peyton manning drops 6 TDs and 400 yards in a blowout victory over a horrendous team at home"
written all over it. To think this was my preseason Super Bowl prediction. Who says I'm not an awful sports better!

* at Dolphins (-4 1/2) 31, Browns 20. Setting up a huge showdown in the Fake Meadowlands next Sunday afternoon.

* at Vikings 24, Bills (+6) 23. The only thing I could think of when Stevie Johnson dropped that gimme touchdown pass in overtime was "god f*cking d*mmit, this is gonna bite us in the ass come January 2nd". If that drop is the difference between the Chiefs or Steelers being the last wildcard, Stevie's got some explaining to do to this Steve.

* at Giants 31, Redskins (+7) 28. Classic NFC East battle that comes down to the last team with the ball kicking the game winner as time expires. Loser is probably drawing dead for the playoffs, especially if the loser is the Redskins.

* Saints (-6 1/2) 31, at Bengals 10. I watched every second of that Thanksgiving night game against the Jets. This team has flat out quit. A team that was trying to win, would have beaten the Jets by two touchdowns last week, they were that off Thursday night. A team that's quit, finds a way to lose that game by 16. That's the Bengals. Quitters.

* at Seahawks (-6) 31, Panthers 10. When NBC dreamed of flex scheduling, and guaranteeing a "win and you're in" type week 17 game, do you really think they envisioned 6-9 St. Louis at 6-9 Seattle, with the winner "earning" the NFC West title and a home playoff game, as the way the 2010 season would be closed out?

* at Titans (no line) 28, Jaguars 20. I'm guessing once Kerry Collins is ruled active, the line opens at about 4 for the Titans. Winner stays on course to potentially win the South, the loser is in deep trouble. Especially if the loser is the Titans.

* at Ravens (-3) 24, Steelers 20. If you're a Chiefs fan, you want to root against the loser of this game, and the loser of the Jets / Patriots game, going forward.

The Most Important Non-Chiefs Game on the Board:

* at Chargers 28 (-13), raiders 6. I just can't see the upset happening. The only way the raiders win this is to win ugly. mcfadden will have to pound the ball 30 times, and their defense will have to batter Phyllis rivers. I just don't see either one happening. Far more realistic is phyllis tossing for 350 and 3 TDs, and the raiders abandoning the run after falling behind 21-0 due to two horrid jason campbell interceptions.

The Jets Prediction:

* at Patriots (-3 1/2) 27, Jets 17. The Jets have faced one team with a winning record in the last six weeks ... and got shut out by Green Bay in the Fake Meadowlands. They needed a last second stand to beat the Vikings, a miraculous fourth-down (bullsh*t) pass interference call to beat the broncos, overtime to beat Cleveland, overtime to beat Detroit, and looked atrocious for the first 40 minutes against a Bengals squad that has flat out quit on its coach and the season.

The Jets also have a brutal next four weeks: at Patriots / vs Dolphins / at Steelers / at Bears, before facing a frisky Bills team in the Fake Meadowlands to close out the season. If you had to pick any team to collapse at this point, wouldn't it be the Jets? They've lost to two of the three good teams they've played at home this year (Ravens, Packers), and trailed at halftime in the third (Patriots). They can't beat bad teams the way a good team should (aka "blow out victory"). And now, they've got three of their next four on the road against Top Ten competition, and the home game is against a bitter rival that always finds a way to beat them,
usually in gut-wrenching, "throw sh*t at the television in anger" ways. (The famous Marino fake spike? (sarah palin voice) you betcha! Against the Jets). There's a reason why I picked the Jets to miss the playoffs in my preseason prognostications ... and this four game stretch is why. We're losing at least three. And that Bills game to close it out scares me.

The Chiefs Prediction and "Donkeys Week" Commentary:

Tuesday night, I was out shopping at Target, trying to find some gloves and other warm accessories, after sadly realizing that Sunday probably won't be a shorts and t-shirt game. I was checking out when I got a phone call from my dad. After some friendly back and forth as I was headed towards Sports Nutz, he then said:

"I won't even ask if you're going (Sunday). I'm guessing if you were on life support, your mom or I would have to unplug the machine and wheel you out there for this one".

To which I replied "damn straight you would".

There is no game on the schedule that means more to me than denver at home. This game means everything to me. Everyone in life has some irrational passion that fuels their fire, so to speak. For me, it's beating the denver broncos like a proverbial government mule. And then stealing their 40 acres to boot.

(Side note: has anyone ever actually seen a "government mule"? Do government mules actually exist? And if they do exist, can you like purchase one? Or lease one? Can you request the mule to help you do stuff? Do our taxes pay for the mules care? What kind of a veterinarian looks after a government mule? Do their handlers really beat the mule to a bloody pulp? Are the mules all like kept in one spot, or does each state get a mule if they request one? Do the mules draw retirement when they reach a certain age? Or are they euthanized once their usefulness is used up? The stuff that flows through my mind. It scares me too. But I would like to see a government mule. And I know Rev. Sharpton would too).

I hate the denver broncos so freaking much. I hate their owner, their retired players, their current players, their dead players. I hate their smug, prickish coach, their arrogant c*ck-sure "analysts" on the CBS and ESPN pregame shows. (Especially the one who looks like the mentally challenged horse on "Family Guy"). I hate their fake stadium that destroyed what used to be one of the two best home-field advantages in the sport. I hate that we can never win out there, have lost two of three to
them here, and lost the biggest game these two teams ever played against each other.

I hate their idiot fan who showed up for years wearing nothing but a hat ... and a barrel. I mean, come on, it's a freaking barrel! "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son", words that barrel man needed to have preached to him.

(See, I was nice. I could have said idiot "fans", and lumped all donkey fans into the "fat, drunk, and stupid" category. But I didn't).

I hate that they have two Super Bowl trophies in my lifetime. I thoroughly despise that. I seriously want to spit at my laptop monitor as I type that acknowledgement, that the denver broncos have done twice what my team has yet to do in my (almost) 34 years on this earth. And I hate that they blatantly cheated to accomplish it, by paying players under the table. They weren't good enough to win it by playing on a level playing field. Cheat to win. Anything to win. That's denver broncos football, sportsmanship be damned.

Of course, I'd expect nothing less from that organization. Sportsmanship, acting like professionals, it all starts at the top, and there isn't anyone in the League with less class and integrity than their current head coach. Running up the score three weeks ago? Stay classy josh. And does anyone believe for even one second that one of the architects of the original Spygate Scandal didn't look at the video this time around? As Chad Ochocinco would note, "child, please!"

Sunday, at high noon, these unlovable, disgusting cheaters will drag what remains of their once proud franchise into Arrowhead Stadium for a showdown with the first place Kansas City Chiefs. Sunday, the Chiefs can drive the final nails into the 2010 denver broncos season. And you can bet your ass I'll be there with hammer in hand, ready to start pounding.

Hope to see you out there on Sunday. Yes, it will be cold. Yes, on paper this baby doesn't even look remotely competitive. The Chiefs opened as nine point favorites. Against a team that just ran up the score and boatraced us three weeks ago.

But from this point forward, every game is THE biggest game of the season. (Especially next week's). The Chiefs have zero margin for error. (Especially next week). We need every person who claims to be a fan of this team in that stadium, ready to go to war on Sunday. This is the biggest game against denver since the Thanksgiving night clash five years ago, a game that got us into the playoffs five weeks later thanks to holding the tiebreaker over denver because of the win that night.

There's only one way to put it. We have to win this game. If we don't, we'll be taking what could have been in 2010 to our f*cking graves, as Coach Herb so eloquently and tastefully put it 30 years ago.

If you need a ride out there, there's always room on the Bus. If you need a place to tailgate, you know you can join us. If you need a drink to conjure up some liquid courage, the keg should be operational, and I'll be lugging at least a handle of vodka with me to "properly prepare" for this one. If you need a ticket, bring some cash and scalp one. And if you're worried that you won't have anyone to sit by, mosey on over to section 132, we'll make room for ya.

I believe in this team. I believe we have not yet seen the best this squad has to offer. I believe our finest hour awaits us (next week). This team is going to win the AFC West, they are going to win a game once they get to the playoffs, and they are certainly capable of putting the fear of God into whoever we face in the divisional round (and hopefully beyond).

But before you look ahead, you've gotta take care of what's in front of you. Starting Sunday, against the woeful, bottom five denver broncos.

I am beyond geeked up for this one. I'm hoping the Chiefs give us the awesome Rev. Weeks or incredible Ida McBeth to start things off right. Hell, if they did that for us, I might not even mind the flyover. I'm hoping that the Chiefs show up from the moment they take the field, grab the donkeys by the throat, and start beating them like one of the drums in the Rumble line. I'm anxiously anticipating running up the score on these people.

I'm even hopeful that KC Wolf does a good pregame sket ... never mind, that ain't happening.

But most of all, I'm ready for the finish, the postgame walk up the ramps of Gate H. Because it's my favorite moment of any season. Arrowhead Nation, fresh off beating the donkeys like said proverbial government mule, walking as one, first doing the Tomahawk Chop, then pounding the columns, and finally, in one voice so loud you can hear it at the Bus way in the back of Lot G:

F*ck the donkeys! (clap clap! clap clap clap!)
F*ck the donkeys! (clap clap! clap clap clap!)

At Chiefs (-9) 37, broncos 0, in a beatdown so epic, so thorough, so utterly one-sided, that pat bowlen thanks God he's lost his mind and won't remember anything about this game in the morning, and josh mcdaniels turns to the last hope he has to save his job, and begins the timothy r. tebow era at halftime ...