"It was my senior year,
I just turned eighteen.
I was a Friday night hero,
With Division One dreams.
I had an offer on the table,
A four year ride,
'Til that fourth and two,
And twenty-four dive.
I left on a stretcher,
Wound up on a crutch!
Walked on that next summer,
Wound up getting cut.
I flipped off that coach,
Left that school in the dust
For letting my dreams go bust.
But I thank God I ain't ...
What I almost was ..."
-- "What I Almost Was" by Eric Church.
--------------------
Well, Pro Football Talk has finally -- finally! -- gotten around to the AFC West franchise Mount Rushmore's. You can click on this handy dandy link to see what the fuss is all about, and vote for who you think should be on the Chiefs Mount Rushmore.
As you might expect, I have my opinion. And as you might expect, I am going to write my opinion below. What you might not expect ... is that two of my franchise faces, are not amongst PFT's voting options.
--------------------
First, here are the twelve nominees from PFT, and my initial thoughts on each. Listed in alphabetical order:
* Bobby Bell. One of ten officially retired numbers (78), and a Pro Football Hall of Famer. Without question, worthy of consideration.
* Buck Buchanan. One of ten officially retired numbers (86), and a Pro Football Hall of Famer. Without question, worthy of consideration.
* Len Dawson. One of ten officially retired numbers (16), and a Pro Football Hall of Famer. Without question, worthy of consideration.
* Tony Gonzalez. Arguably the greatest tight end to ever play the game. Still an active players with the Atlanta Falcons. I'm guessing 88 will be the next number to be officially retired ... and I'm guessing once again, I'll be mad as holy hell at the one number that hasn't been retired, that should be. And yeah, without question, worthy of consideration ... especially for one magical, amazing day that is Arrowhead at its finest.
* Lamar Hunt. Arguably amongst the three most influential owners in professional football history (along with Wellington Mara, and (ugh) al davis). The first member of the AFL inducted into the Hall of Fame. Without question, worthy of consideration.
* Willie Lanier. One of ten officially retired numbers (63), and a member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Without question, worthy of consideration.
* Johnny Robinson. One of the best safeties of the 1960s / early 1970s, and a member of the team's Hall of Fame. Probably not worthy of consideration.
* Hank Stram. The most successful coach the AFL had, and a member of the Hall of Fame. I'm torn on this, because be honest -- if Marty wins at Buffalo in the 1993 AFC Title Game, or he beats denver here in the 1997 Divisional round (the de-facto Super Bowl)? Marty goes down as the greatest coach in franchise history. Tough call ... but probably worthy of consideration.
* Will Shields. One of the greatest third round picks ever. A ten year Pro Bowler, and future Hall of Famer (he made the final cut in 2013, but did not gain enshrinement). Worthy of consideration.
* Otis Taylor. One of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history. His lack of inclusion in the Hall of Fame is a criminal outrage. Absolutely worthy of consideration, if only because that scene in "The Replacements" where Martel and his boys jack up Shane Falco and his ride? Is based on what Jack Del Rio did to Otis Taylor's vehicle during the 1987 strike.
* Derrick Thomas. One of ten officially retired numbers (58), and a member of the Hall of Fame. Without question, worthy of consideration.
* Emmitt Thomas. One of ten officially retired numbers (22), and a member of the Hall of Fame. Definitely a worthy inclusion to the discussion for consideration.
Those are the twelve PFT nominated. I would toss four more into the mix they forgot ...
* Marty Schottenheimer. Head coach from 1989-1998. Won 100 games in his ten years here, posting 9 winning seasons, 7 playoff berths, and the first three division championships (1993, 1995, 1997) since 1971. Won the Chiefs first playoff game (1991 wildcard vs raiders) not just since Super Bowl IV, but in Arrowhead Stadium's history. Combined with the next nominee, literally saved the franchise from moving to (pick a relocation / expansion destination from the mid 1990s): Nashville, St. Louis, Charlotte, Jacksonville, Baltimore, (gulp) oakland ...
* Carl Peterson. General Manager (and other titles) from 1989-2008. Quite literally, the single biggest reason I still spend $800 / year on tickets, plus toss in a few hundred bucks more on parking, booze, and food for tailgating. Because if Carl Peterson doesn't agree to take on this dead-end job in December 1988 (and more specifically, if (somehow, someway) the Frank Gansz coached Chiefs don't upset the soon-to-be AFC Champion Bengals that November afternoon Carl checked the franchise out, the Chiefs ain't here anymore.
* Joe Delaney. NFL Rookie of the Year in 1981. Injury and strike plagued season in 1982. Died on June 29, 1983, attempting to save three kids drowning in a swimming hole.
Mr. Delaney did not know how to swim.
Again -- Clark Hunt, Hunt Family, John Dorsey, "Fat" Andy Reid, Mark Donovan, and any and all Chiefs employees and/or related family members to the previously stated individuals who somehow stumble upon this: IT. IS. TIME. Remedy the greatest wrong in franchise history. Officially Retire Number Thirty Seven!
* Priest Holmes. I get that with the passage of time, you forget just how incredible, how freaking unbelievable, Priest's 2001-2003 statistics were. You probably forget he is the leading rusher in franchise history, for example. (He is, by 55 yards over Larry Johnson.) You probably forget that Priest was an afterthought until the second half of a lost season in 2001. From the Chargers game in week eight 2001, through the Bears game to end the 2003 regular season, here are his stats:
* 38 games (out of 40); 38 starts (out of 40).
* 960 attempts, 4,590 yards (4.8 yds / carry).
* 56 rushing touchdowns (set NFL record with 27 in 2003).
* 2001 rushing title.
* 206 receptions, 1,976 yards (9.6 yds / catch).
* 5 receiving touchdowns (including game winners in 2001 at Jags, 2002 at Jets).
The man SINGLE HANDEDLY accounted for 6,566 yards of offense in 2 1/2 seasons! To put this in perspective -- Priest does that SINGLE HANDEDLY. Care to guess how many yards of offense the ENTIRE 2012 Chiefs roster managed to generate?
5,108.
Priest accounted for 61 touchdowns by himself over 2 1/2 seasons. Care to guess how many touchdowns the entire 2012 Chiefs offense managed to generate?
17.
And again -- that's just Priest by himself! We aren't even accounting for Eddie Kennison, Tony Gonzalez, Trent Green, Dante Hall, Johnny Morton, (the criminally underrated) Derrick Blaylock, or (dick vermeil voice) "Take the Diapers Off" Larry Johnson in this stretch!
--------------------
So, let's narrow this down to my Mount Rushmore. I'm gonna do this Pro Football Hall of Fame voting style: narrow it down from (sixteen) to ten ... and then to seven ... and then your winners.
Your first casualties:
* Tony Gonzalez. The easiest cut, to be honest, because he's still playing ... and isn't producing for the Chiefs. Your Mount Rushmore ideally offers the best the franchise has ever had ... from past product.
* Johnny Robinson. The second easiest cut. He's not amongst the four greatest players / coaches / owners / employees in franchise history.
* Emmitt Thomas. Now it starts getting tougher ... but is Emmitt Thomas amongst the four best remaining candidates? Nope. And I say this as someone who not only loves this guy, and is beyond thrilled he was one of only two coaches (along with defensive coordinator Gary Gibbs) that "Fat" Andy Reid kept ... I argued he should have been the interim head coach last year had Romeo been poop-canned.
* Will Shields. This one hurts ... but I ask you this: can you argue Will Shields mattered more than Willie Roaf? Than Tim Grunhard? Neither of whom were nominated for said Chiefs Mount Rushmore (although both have a legitimate argument)?
* Derrick Thomas. Oh God, I can hear the tomatoes and empty beer cans being hurled from here. So again -- can you argue Derrick Thomas was better than Art Still? Than Gary Spani? Than Neil Smith? Than Albert Lewis, Deron Cherry, Lloyd Burruss, Chuck Mincy? (That last one was to make sure you're still paying attention). We're talking the four INDISPUTABLE most important individuals in franchise history here. As much as I love DT ... well, put it this way.
As someone who wore his jersey to every game I came home for (and finally lived here again for) in the late 1990s ... and into the early 2000s in his memory ... as someone who still hauls his jersey out on Alumni Weekend ... as someone whose site has a "58" in it's address in Mr. Thomas' memory?
If I didn't pick Christian Okoye (my favorite Chiefs player of all time) for my Mount Rushmore nominee list?
DT ain't making the damned monument.
* Buddy Bell. It was between him and Buck. Yes, I flipped a coin.
--------------------
The next three cuts:
* Marty Schottenheimer. Along with ...
* Hank Stram. Look it, if I had to pick a coach, I'd take Hank. But if I'm picking a coach for my Mount Rushmore, you'd better have at least two Lombardi Trophies (or appropriate league's trophy) in the awards cabinet. Hank has two (counting AFL titles); Marty has never even played for one. For those of you who argue "well, Hank has two! Include him!", I respond with this:
You REALLY think the raiders fans are putting Tom Flores on their Mount Rushmore?
* Buck Buchanan. God, the toughest cut of all. I just can't cut any of the other seven remaining ones, over Buck ... although I understand if you say "well, why not "Number 37"?" I understand ... but don't agree.
--------------------
Your remaining seven candidates for Mount Rushmore enshrinement:
* Founder / Owner Lamar Hunt.
* WR Otis Taylor.
* LB Willie Lanier.
* QB Len Dawson.
* RB Joe Delaney.
* RB Priest Holmes.
* GM / CEO / CFO / "Insert Title Here" Carl Peterson.
--------------------
Here then, are the four I chose, for my Kansas City Chiefs Mount Rushmore:
* QB Len Dawson. In case anyone doubts why including the one franchise quarterback this franchise has ever had is the right call (even if we didn't draft him), you do realize that the EARLIEST a Chiefs drafted QB can win a game he starts for this franchise, will be Week One ... 2014? And that presumes (and I don't believe this will happen) BOTH Alex Smith and Chase Daniel crap out this upcoming season. No Chiefs drafted QB has won a game for this team since 1987.
* Founder / Owner Lamar Hunt. I'd argue (and be correct) that Wellington Mara was the more important owner to the league's history (he got the owners to sign off on revenue sharing all those years ago) ... but Lamar's a damned close second.
* GM Carl Peterson. If you sat through even one game in the 1980s (other than the stretch run in 1986), you are nodding your head in agreement. If you sat through even one game in the 1990s (at any moment in time), you are nodding your head in agreement. If you sat through any game from 2000-2006, you are nodding your head in agreement. Don't hold the second half of 2007 and virtually all of 2008 against Mr. Peterson. He literally saved this franchise for us, Chiefs fans. It's why you will not read completely critical comments of Mr. Peterson on this site. Pompous ass? Yes. Arrogant prick? Yes. Smug, self-centered egotistical bastard? (sarah palin voice) You betcha! But if I'll tolerate a few of those in my life voluntarily? I'll tolerate Mr. Peterson, if only because fans like "The Voice of Reason" understand, as do I, what this franchise was BEFORE Carl arrived.
* RB Priest Holmes. You all have NO idea how tough it was, to exclude Joe Delaney. No clue. Hell, I cut Buck Buchanan, Hank Stram, Buddy Bell, and even Marty to get Delaney to the Final Seven. Anyone who knows me, or (to give proper credit for the "retire his damned number already!" credit where it's due) "The Voice of Reason"?
We hung exactly one -- and only one -- Christmas ornament above the fireplace every year, the eight Chrismukkah seasons, we were roommates.
That ornament? Was a lovely little bear, adorned in Chiefs gear ... wearing Number 37.
You can laugh if you want -- but a red thumb tack, along with a yellow one, was permanently either (a) in the wall above said fireplace, or (b) on the mantle, the entire eight years, we lived together as roommates. We both get it. Joe Delaney is the finest human being the Chiefs have ever employed.
But look at Priest's stats up above. Put it this way: if denver fans argue (Jesus, this pains me so much to admit ...) correctly, that terrell davis' three year epic reign (1996-1998) deserves Hall of Fame inclusion?
Then denver fans reading this, and Chiefs fans reading this? How does Priest NOT deserve the same consideration?
To say nothing of the fact that my original "Special Little Guy", was named for that man.
(I'll scan in my favorite pic of said original "Special Little Guy", when I get to work tomorrow, where it still hangs proudly on my office wall, here ...)
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
big brother 15 power poll 1.0
"She's got a way about her.
Don't know what it is,
But I know that I can't live without her.
She's got a way of pleasin'.
Don't know why it is,
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway.
She's got a smile that heals me!
Don't know why it is,
But I have to laugh when she reveals me.
She's got a way of talkin'.
Don't know why it is,
But it lifts me up when we are walking anywhere.
She comes to me when I'm feeling down;
Inspires me. Without a sound, she touches me,
And I get turned around ...
She's got a way of showing
How I make her feel,
And I find the strength to keep on going.
She's got a light around her!
And everywhere she goes,
A million dreams of love surround her everywhere ..."
-- "She's Got a Way" by Billy Joel.
--------------------
My God, are we really just four days away from The Chenbot coming back into our lives thrice a week? Hot damn!
I cop to watching exactly two -- and only two -- reality shows on a regular basis. Horrific judging and season(s) be damned, I'll never give up on "American Idol". And horrific casting, idiotic challenges, slop, have-nots, and "wait, Julie Chen hosts this show? Isn't she like, married, to the president of CBS? So she basically slept her way into this gig?" be damned?
I will never give up on "Big Brother".
(I should also note, if it wasn't for the fact that it airs on my bowling night, I'd still be into "Survivor", and I take "The Amazing Race" season by season. But "Idol" and "Brother"? I won't miss if I can avoid it.)
This year's craptacular fifteenth edition kicks off a week from yesterday, on June 26. (Oh yeah -- ONLY ... (on) CBS. And 24/7 camera feeds. AndShowtime After Dark TV Guide Channel After Dark. And an occasional slip-up, and live feed from Morty's blog. And while I'm at it, it's good to have Morty in our lives again. I miss the nine months a year that guy goes away. To say nothing of the good folks over at Hamsterwatch.) Sadly, for the fifteenth straight year, the cast of houseguests will not include yours truly, and once again, I am outraged. I defy you, my fellow readers, I DEFY you, to find a single person you have ever met, who does the following three things better than anyone:
* float in a pool all day;
* drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol; and
* thinks wearing a t-shirt when its 80 degrees outside is insane.
I know, right? That's so totally me from May to September! October if I'm lucky! November if I still lived in the lovely confines of Lake Arlington!
However, we now do know the houseguests who will be (dis)gracing our television sets from next week until mid-September. CBS's official "Big Brother" site has video breakdowns of each contestant; Morty's site has the relevant facts and figures; Hamsterwatch exposes the lies that these contestants "professions" are. Between the three, let's look at these fine folks, check out their answers to the obligatory "Big Brother" questionaire, and knock out our first Big Brother Power Poll of the season, based totally upon one ninety some odd second video of each contestant.
(julie chen voice) BUT FIRST! I'll answer any and/or all questions these contestants were asked. Because (a) it's my site, and I'll do what I want to, and (b) CBS deserves to know what it once again tragically passed on.
* Name: Stevo.
* Age: (gulp) 36.
* Hometown: born Kansas City, MO; grew up Lenexa, KS.
* Living: Kansas City, MO.
* Occupation: Pooling and Captive Specialist. (Don't ask; I can't explain my title either.)
* Marital Status: single.
* Three Adjectives That Describe You: laid-back; tolerant / accommodating; loyal (most of the time).
* Favorite Activities: tailgating a Royals game; living a Chiefs game; floating in the pool; attending any decent form of a motorsports event.
* What Do You Think Will Be the Toughest Part (About Living in the Big Brother House): the loss of connection to friends and family, as I plan to be the last person standing.
* What Will Be Your Strategy to Win "Big Brother": take the route my favorite contestants did: be the lovable, nice guy that nobody actually wants to screw over ... and then gets screwed over right before the final vote, because everyone else has schemed, lied, and screwed over everyone so much, they all hate each other, and have to have someone as despicable as them up against them, in order to win the final vote. (Pause). Wait a minute -- that's not a good strategory ...
* Which Past "Big Brother" Cast Member Did You Like Most (and Least): most, Memphis (season ten). Also loved Renny (season ten) and Jason (season three). Least, Chima (season eleven); also hated Natalie (season nine) and Nakomis (two seasons).
* What Are You Afraid Of: flying, earthquakes, and snakes. In that order.
* What Is The Accomplishment You Are Most Proud Of: I may not have a ton of friends, but the ones I do have, make life worth living. Also, I graduated college in 3 1/2 years, and I did not finish as low male bowler in my work league last year. (Albeit barely ... in both cases.)
* Finish This Sentence -- My Life's Motto Is ...: "I Don't Wanna Be Anything Other Than Me" -- Gavin DeGraw.
* What Would You Take Into the House (And Why): if I said "liquor, condoms, and my pillow", is that acceptable? (Pause). Oh. Really? You provide the first two pretty much at will, when asked for? (Pause). Then my pillow.
* What Would You Do If "Big Brother" Made You Famous: (my buddy pickell voice) Put it this way -- I'd milk my fifteen minutes so much, Rupert from "Survivor" will be going on talk shows, to express how embarrassed he is, that he is no longer the king of "your fifteen minutes ended fifteen years ago" cluelessness, when it comes to being famous.
And with that formality out of the way, let's meet our houseguests! Introduced in alphabetical order:
* Aaryn Gries. 22, female, college student, from Texas.
Initial impression: smoking hot. I mean, smoking hot. I mean, "Steve Hirsch is definitely offering this girl a Vivid multi-porn contract when she's evicted!" hot. And the Texas thing, oh Lord have mercy, that's a turn on. Having said that, her answers are disappointing at best. She comes off as self-centered, someone who is using "Big Brother" to "further her career" and "fast track her dreams", and quite frankly, she seems like the kind of girl that is, uuh, gee, how to put this delicately ... clingy. The kind of girl who doesn't realize a one night stand, doesn't last multiple nights, if you get my drift.
Bottom line: leading candidate for the "token hot blonde who goes out by week two" slot.
* Amanda Zuckerman, 28, real estate agent, from Long Island (now resides in south Florida).
Initial impression: attractive. You have to like a girl who describes herself as "confident, sexy, and fun!" I mean, I'm right about that. I'm wrong about a lot in life, but anytime you can spend time with a chica who describes herself as "confident, sexy, and fun!", you HAVE to do it. Even if they wind up a little clingy. Love her strategory (keep your friends close, and your enemies closer). And she's a realist -- she'd milk her fifteen minutes just like I would.
Bottom line: we have a solid contender for your opening number one houseguest in the power pol
* Andy Herren, 26, professor, from Chicagoland.
Initial impression: there is not a chance in hell this guy is a professor. Having said that, you have to admire a guy who hates Tyler Perry movies, is scared of heights, AND has an entire wall in a women's bathroom devoted to him. (No, really -- he said that.) Having said that, "The Voice of Reason" and I are torn -- I think this is your "token gay guy"; "TVOR" thinks it's Nick.
Bottom line: strong contender to piss everyone off on the first night, and get deep-sixed in the first eviction.
* Candice Stewart, 29, pediatric speech therapist, from New Orleans (now resides in Houston).
Initial impression: she'd use any fame she gains as "a megaphone for my causes". Enough said.
Bottom line: no question folks -- (allard baird voice) no question! -- she's the "token angry black chick".
* David Girton, 25, lifeguard, from San Diego.
Initial impression: yup, he's a lifeguard. I like people who describe themselves as "goofy and sarcastic". Hey -- that's me! And his strategory is downright brilliant: "be myself and let my personality show through, then trust my good looks take me to the end". Hell yes!
Bottom line: I have a feeling I'll be rooting for this dude.
* Elissa Slater, 27, nutritionist, from Kannapolis, North Carolina.
Initial impression: well, no matter how "famous" she gets from this show, she'll never rank better than third on the "most famous residents of Kannapolis, North Carolina" charts. She's also the first houseguest we've met who is not single. She seems to have a positive, outgoing, friendly attitude. Let's see, who is her favorite former houseguest ... wait, what? "Rachel Reilly rocks!!! ... but I'm biased ..." What the hell do you mean, you're "biased". You're not ... oh God. Oh God. OH GOD NO!!!!!
Yes, she's Rachel's sister.
Bottom line: I have a feeling I'm gonna need a healthy dose of (peter griffin voice) Mister Conway Twitty, to distract me while she's on my television screen.
* GinaMarie Zimmerman, 32, pageant coordinator, from Brooklyn.
Initial impression: hey, another smoking hot blonde chick! In the words of Luke Bryan: "rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my baby, feel a little frisky!" No, wait, I meant the last line of that song: "(this) is a good thing!" She describes herself as "crazy, sexy, and cool". Suh-weet! She would "sh*t my pants" if she ever saw an alien. Meh. Me? I'd run like holy hell, but I don't think I'd soil myself.
Bottom line: your frontrunner for the "token tramp who hooks up with the hottest guy in the house within the first 48 hours", a role sadly noone has played since Kristin and Hayden were hooking up within minutes of meeting each other three seasons ago.
* Helen Kim, 37, political consultant, resides in Chicago.
Initial impression: a "political consultant from Chicago". (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh come on, I hadn't even thought that yet! (Pause). Well of course she's a sleazy corrupt woman! She's a political consultant from Chicago! The only question is which sleazy machine is she a consultant for -- Obama, Rahm, or the Daley's? Good grief. I might need to get Boomer's sister on the phone, to figure this out.
Bottom line: I strongly dislike this woman, at first glance.
* Howard Overby, 29, youth counselor, from Mississippi.
Initial impression: I swear to God -- and "The Voice of Reason" can confirm this -- my exact response upon seeing this guy's mug shot was "Good God, that's Ron Artest!" Or "Metta World Peace". Or whatever name he's going by nowadays. This dude is a dead ringer for him. His life's motto is to "conduct himself in a manner that is worthy of "Christ" ...", and "Christ" appears in quotes. Not sure what to think about that.
Bottom line: if he's a Dwight Howard-style Christian (aka "screws anything that walks, but doesn't do much else the Church would frown on), this could be fun.
* Jeremy Maguire, 23, boat shop associate, from Texas.
Initial impression: good, another Texan. You can never have enough Texans. He's also a mama's boy: the only reason he's here is because his mom urged him to try out. Can't really glean much else from his bio -- his answers were all short and to the point. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course that makes him the opposite of me!
Bottom line: a solid middle-of-the-pack floater who could wind up floating farther than expected.
* Jessie Kowalski, 25, unemployed, resides in San Antonio.
Initial impression: she had to have hated last night, as much as I did. She describes herself as "sexy, driven, and smart". By my count, that's not one, not two, but three -- three! -- houseguests who refer to themselves as "sexy". That's a good thing. She graduated from UT-Austin. That's not a bad thing.
Bottom line: could be this year's Britney, who charms and smart-asses her way quite a ways.
* Judd Daugherty, 26, property appraiser, from Tennessee.
Initial impression: this dude's answers ramble on so aimlessly and pointlessly, you'd swear I wrote them.
Bottom line: first one to go. Oh, and definitely the "token country bumpkin everyone makes fun of".
* Kaitlin Barnaby, 23, bartender, from Minneapolis.
Initial impression: I have no clue what to think about her. For a bartender, she actually sounds focused, driven, motivated. So the exact opposite of my favorite "Big Brother" contestant, "mixologist" Memphis. She's not bad looking, but she doesn't strike me as someone you'd make the first move on either. Quite frankly? She comes across as a b*tch.
Bottom line: either she'll p*ss everyone off early and get the boot ... or she'll p*ss everyone off early, and they'll keep her around as insurance. I lean the latter, for what it's worth.
* McCrae Olson, 23, pizza delivery boy, from Minnesota.
Initial impression: far be it from me, to focus on some dude's looks, because let's face it -- my appearance is impossible to top. I'm simply put THE hottest guy walking the planet. But this dude is eight shades of ugly. In the words of the late, great Randall Carlyle Wakefield: he's a two bagger.
Bottom line: there is no way this guy won't be going through withdrawal pains by day two, because he doesn't have his baggie or dugout with him to enjoy.
* Nick Uhas, 28, entrepreneur, from New York City.
Initial impression: on second thought, "The Voice of Reason" is right.
Bottom line: definitely your "token flaming gay dude". The good news is, those guys are always the comic relief.
* Spencer Clawson, 31, railroad conductor, from Conway, Arkansas.
Initial impression: he'll never rise above number two on the "Most Famous People from Conway, Arkansas" rankings. He describes himself as laid back, easy to get along with, and his least favorite "Big Brother" houseguest of all time is Chima. Hey, mine too!
Bottom line: definitely a Final Three contender, based on strength alone. Plus, you can't really tell anything from his answers. He keeps his cards close to the vest. That's a good thing in this game.
So ... let's rank these folks. As always, these are a combination of two things:
a. how I feel about them as houseguests, and
b. how good of a week they've had.
Here we go ... Your ... Big Brother 15 Power Poll 1.0!
(Key: Ranking. Contestant. (Previous Rankings). Reason(s) for current ranking).
16. Elissa (NR). She has a huge, huge obstacle to overcome to rise in these rankings: she's Rachel's sister. I mean, she's got a bigger hill to climb to get back in my good graces, than ... I'll stop there.
15. Helen (NR). I'm dead serious -- I want to know what sleazy Democrat machine she's a consultant for. If it's the Daley's? She'll rise rapidly -- the Daley's are in my wing of the party. If it's Rahm? She'll float -- Rahm embraces both wings. If it's Obama? Just to be safe from any potential (illegal) IRS targeting, any potential (sadly, legal) NSA wire-tapping and/or hacking ... I'll just say she'll stay 15th at best, if she's a consultant for our President's sleazy political machine.
14. McCrae (NR). The first huge wildcard in these initial rankings. He could rise as high as 1st, depending on his debut this upcoming week ... or stick around at 14. All depends on how funny the dude is, because come on folks -- this guy knows how to handle a dugout and/or a roach.
13. Kaitlin (NR). Strikes me as a b*tch. Could be a good thing.
12. Spencer (NR). The other huge wildcard in these initial rankings. When not even Hamsterwatch can dig up a single thing on you, then you truly are an unknown commodity. And I am looking forward to knowing said commodity -- as someone whose "crazy uncle" worked for Union Pacific for thirty plus years, I know railroad folks are hysterical dudes.
11. GinaMarie (NR). Seems like a total fake floozy to me. (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh come on -- there's no way those are real! No blanking way! Should I haul in Stevo's Site Numero Dos fake boob expert ... uuh, well, we don't have one. But if we did, should I haul said fake boob expert in to confirm it?
10. Judd (NR). My guess is, he sinks to 16 as the first evicted houseguest, in Power Poll 2.0. But we'll see.
9. Andy (NR). No clue what to make of him, or ...
8. Nick (NR). But one of the two is your "token flaming gay dude", and will rapidly rise in the Power Poll rankings due to the hilarity of themselves.
7. Howard (NR). I still think he's Ron Artest. I'll be looking for the signature tats to confirm my theory.
6. Candice (NR). Whoa! The "token angry black chick" debuts at 6?!?!?! Either this is one helluva cast ... or this is one helluva cast! Usually "token angry black chick" never tops 10 in these rankings!
(Plus, I should also note, I spent a solid 15, 20 minutes (and "The Voice of Reason" can confirm this), trying to figure out who this chick was, I was so convinced I'd seen her before. Finally, it dawned on me -- MTV VJ! Oy. No, that was Alison Stewart, not Candice. The lesson? As always, when I'm wrong? I'm epically wrong.)
5. Jeremy (NR). Should I do it now, or hold out a couple Power Polls? (Pause). I concur. "Jeremy spoke in ... class ... today ... Jeremy spoke in ... class ... TODAY!" I should probably note -- I was a freshman in high school, when "Ten" was released. Sweet. Merciful. Jesus.
4. Jessie (NR). Probably overly optimistic ... but I'm optimistic.
3. Amanda (NR). Still probably overly optimistic ... but I'm optimistic.
2. Aaryn (NR). NOT overly optimistic -- reality. Jesus blanking Christ, she is SMOKING hot.
1. David (NR). Memphis 2.0?
Don't know what it is,
But I know that I can't live without her.
She's got a way of pleasin'.
Don't know why it is,
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway.
She's got a smile that heals me!
Don't know why it is,
But I have to laugh when she reveals me.
She's got a way of talkin'.
Don't know why it is,
But it lifts me up when we are walking anywhere.
She comes to me when I'm feeling down;
Inspires me. Without a sound, she touches me,
And I get turned around ...
She's got a way of showing
How I make her feel,
And I find the strength to keep on going.
She's got a light around her!
And everywhere she goes,
A million dreams of love surround her everywhere ..."
-- "She's Got a Way" by Billy Joel.
--------------------
My God, are we really just four days away from The Chenbot coming back into our lives thrice a week? Hot damn!
I cop to watching exactly two -- and only two -- reality shows on a regular basis. Horrific judging and season(s) be damned, I'll never give up on "American Idol". And horrific casting, idiotic challenges, slop, have-nots, and "wait, Julie Chen hosts this show? Isn't she like, married, to the president of CBS? So she basically slept her way into this gig?" be damned?
I will never give up on "Big Brother".
(I should also note, if it wasn't for the fact that it airs on my bowling night, I'd still be into "Survivor", and I take "The Amazing Race" season by season. But "Idol" and "Brother"? I won't miss if I can avoid it.)
This year's craptacular fifteenth edition kicks off a week from yesterday, on June 26. (Oh yeah -- ONLY ... (on) CBS. And 24/7 camera feeds. And
* float in a pool all day;
* drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol; and
* thinks wearing a t-shirt when its 80 degrees outside is insane.
I know, right? That's so totally me from May to September! October if I'm lucky! November if I still lived in the lovely confines of Lake Arlington!
However, we now do know the houseguests who will be (dis)gracing our television sets from next week until mid-September. CBS's official "Big Brother" site has video breakdowns of each contestant; Morty's site has the relevant facts and figures; Hamsterwatch exposes the lies that these contestants "professions" are. Between the three, let's look at these fine folks, check out their answers to the obligatory "Big Brother" questionaire, and knock out our first Big Brother Power Poll of the season, based totally upon one ninety some odd second video of each contestant.
(julie chen voice) BUT FIRST! I'll answer any and/or all questions these contestants were asked. Because (a) it's my site, and I'll do what I want to, and (b) CBS deserves to know what it once again tragically passed on.
* Name: Stevo.
* Age: (gulp) 36.
* Hometown: born Kansas City, MO; grew up Lenexa, KS.
* Living: Kansas City, MO.
* Occupation: Pooling and Captive Specialist. (Don't ask; I can't explain my title either.)
* Marital Status: single.
* Three Adjectives That Describe You: laid-back; tolerant / accommodating; loyal (most of the time).
* Favorite Activities: tailgating a Royals game; living a Chiefs game; floating in the pool; attending any decent form of a motorsports event.
* What Do You Think Will Be the Toughest Part (About Living in the Big Brother House): the loss of connection to friends and family, as I plan to be the last person standing.
* What Will Be Your Strategy to Win "Big Brother": take the route my favorite contestants did: be the lovable, nice guy that nobody actually wants to screw over ... and then gets screwed over right before the final vote, because everyone else has schemed, lied, and screwed over everyone so much, they all hate each other, and have to have someone as despicable as them up against them, in order to win the final vote. (Pause). Wait a minute -- that's not a good strategory ...
* Which Past "Big Brother" Cast Member Did You Like Most (and Least): most, Memphis (season ten). Also loved Renny (season ten) and Jason (season three). Least, Chima (season eleven); also hated Natalie (season nine) and Nakomis (two seasons).
* What Are You Afraid Of: flying, earthquakes, and snakes. In that order.
* What Is The Accomplishment You Are Most Proud Of: I may not have a ton of friends, but the ones I do have, make life worth living. Also, I graduated college in 3 1/2 years, and I did not finish as low male bowler in my work league last year. (Albeit barely ... in both cases.)
* Finish This Sentence -- My Life's Motto Is ...: "I Don't Wanna Be Anything Other Than Me" -- Gavin DeGraw.
* What Would You Take Into the House (And Why): if I said "liquor, condoms, and my pillow", is that acceptable? (Pause). Oh. Really? You provide the first two pretty much at will, when asked for? (Pause). Then my pillow.
* What Would You Do If "Big Brother" Made You Famous: (my buddy pickell voice) Put it this way -- I'd milk my fifteen minutes so much, Rupert from "Survivor" will be going on talk shows, to express how embarrassed he is, that he is no longer the king of "your fifteen minutes ended fifteen years ago" cluelessness, when it comes to being famous.
And with that formality out of the way, let's meet our houseguests! Introduced in alphabetical order:
* Aaryn Gries. 22, female, college student, from Texas.
Initial impression: smoking hot. I mean, smoking hot. I mean, "Steve Hirsch is definitely offering this girl a Vivid multi-porn contract when she's evicted!" hot. And the Texas thing, oh Lord have mercy, that's a turn on. Having said that, her answers are disappointing at best. She comes off as self-centered, someone who is using "Big Brother" to "further her career" and "fast track her dreams", and quite frankly, she seems like the kind of girl that is, uuh, gee, how to put this delicately ... clingy. The kind of girl who doesn't realize a one night stand, doesn't last multiple nights, if you get my drift.
Bottom line: leading candidate for the "token hot blonde who goes out by week two" slot.
* Amanda Zuckerman, 28, real estate agent, from Long Island (now resides in south Florida).
Initial impression: attractive. You have to like a girl who describes herself as "confident, sexy, and fun!" I mean, I'm right about that. I'm wrong about a lot in life, but anytime you can spend time with a chica who describes herself as "confident, sexy, and fun!", you HAVE to do it. Even if they wind up a little clingy. Love her strategory (keep your friends close, and your enemies closer). And she's a realist -- she'd milk her fifteen minutes just like I would.
Bottom line: we have a solid contender for your opening number one houseguest in the power pol
* Andy Herren, 26, professor, from Chicagoland.
Initial impression: there is not a chance in hell this guy is a professor. Having said that, you have to admire a guy who hates Tyler Perry movies, is scared of heights, AND has an entire wall in a women's bathroom devoted to him. (No, really -- he said that.) Having said that, "The Voice of Reason" and I are torn -- I think this is your "token gay guy"; "TVOR" thinks it's Nick.
Bottom line: strong contender to piss everyone off on the first night, and get deep-sixed in the first eviction.
* Candice Stewart, 29, pediatric speech therapist, from New Orleans (now resides in Houston).
Initial impression: she'd use any fame she gains as "a megaphone for my causes". Enough said.
Bottom line: no question folks -- (allard baird voice) no question! -- she's the "token angry black chick".
* David Girton, 25, lifeguard, from San Diego.
Initial impression: yup, he's a lifeguard. I like people who describe themselves as "goofy and sarcastic". Hey -- that's me! And his strategory is downright brilliant: "be myself and let my personality show through, then trust my good looks take me to the end". Hell yes!
Bottom line: I have a feeling I'll be rooting for this dude.
* Elissa Slater, 27, nutritionist, from Kannapolis, North Carolina.
Initial impression: well, no matter how "famous" she gets from this show, she'll never rank better than third on the "most famous residents of Kannapolis, North Carolina" charts. She's also the first houseguest we've met who is not single. She seems to have a positive, outgoing, friendly attitude. Let's see, who is her favorite former houseguest ... wait, what? "Rachel Reilly rocks!!! ... but I'm biased ..." What the hell do you mean, you're "biased". You're not ... oh God. Oh God. OH GOD NO!!!!!
Yes, she's Rachel's sister.
Bottom line: I have a feeling I'm gonna need a healthy dose of (peter griffin voice) Mister Conway Twitty, to distract me while she's on my television screen.
* GinaMarie Zimmerman, 32, pageant coordinator, from Brooklyn.
Initial impression: hey, another smoking hot blonde chick! In the words of Luke Bryan: "rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my baby, feel a little frisky!" No, wait, I meant the last line of that song: "(this) is a good thing!" She describes herself as "crazy, sexy, and cool". Suh-weet! She would "sh*t my pants" if she ever saw an alien. Meh. Me? I'd run like holy hell, but I don't think I'd soil myself.
Bottom line: your frontrunner for the "token tramp who hooks up with the hottest guy in the house within the first 48 hours", a role sadly noone has played since Kristin and Hayden were hooking up within minutes of meeting each other three seasons ago.
* Helen Kim, 37, political consultant, resides in Chicago.
Initial impression: a "political consultant from Chicago". (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh come on, I hadn't even thought that yet! (Pause). Well of course she's a sleazy corrupt woman! She's a political consultant from Chicago! The only question is which sleazy machine is she a consultant for -- Obama, Rahm, or the Daley's? Good grief. I might need to get Boomer's sister on the phone, to figure this out.
Bottom line: I strongly dislike this woman, at first glance.
* Howard Overby, 29, youth counselor, from Mississippi.
Initial impression: I swear to God -- and "The Voice of Reason" can confirm this -- my exact response upon seeing this guy's mug shot was "Good God, that's Ron Artest!" Or "Metta World Peace". Or whatever name he's going by nowadays. This dude is a dead ringer for him. His life's motto is to "conduct himself in a manner that is worthy of "Christ" ...", and "Christ" appears in quotes. Not sure what to think about that.
Bottom line: if he's a Dwight Howard-style Christian (aka "screws anything that walks, but doesn't do much else the Church would frown on), this could be fun.
* Jeremy Maguire, 23, boat shop associate, from Texas.
Initial impression: good, another Texan. You can never have enough Texans. He's also a mama's boy: the only reason he's here is because his mom urged him to try out. Can't really glean much else from his bio -- his answers were all short and to the point. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course that makes him the opposite of me!
Bottom line: a solid middle-of-the-pack floater who could wind up floating farther than expected.
* Jessie Kowalski, 25, unemployed, resides in San Antonio.
Initial impression: she had to have hated last night, as much as I did. She describes herself as "sexy, driven, and smart". By my count, that's not one, not two, but three -- three! -- houseguests who refer to themselves as "sexy". That's a good thing. She graduated from UT-Austin. That's not a bad thing.
Bottom line: could be this year's Britney, who charms and smart-asses her way quite a ways.
* Judd Daugherty, 26, property appraiser, from Tennessee.
Initial impression: this dude's answers ramble on so aimlessly and pointlessly, you'd swear I wrote them.
Bottom line: first one to go. Oh, and definitely the "token country bumpkin everyone makes fun of".
* Kaitlin Barnaby, 23, bartender, from Minneapolis.
Initial impression: I have no clue what to think about her. For a bartender, she actually sounds focused, driven, motivated. So the exact opposite of my favorite "Big Brother" contestant, "mixologist" Memphis. She's not bad looking, but she doesn't strike me as someone you'd make the first move on either. Quite frankly? She comes across as a b*tch.
Bottom line: either she'll p*ss everyone off early and get the boot ... or she'll p*ss everyone off early, and they'll keep her around as insurance. I lean the latter, for what it's worth.
* McCrae Olson, 23, pizza delivery boy, from Minnesota.
Initial impression: far be it from me, to focus on some dude's looks, because let's face it -- my appearance is impossible to top. I'm simply put THE hottest guy walking the planet. But this dude is eight shades of ugly. In the words of the late, great Randall Carlyle Wakefield: he's a two bagger.
Bottom line: there is no way this guy won't be going through withdrawal pains by day two, because he doesn't have his baggie or dugout with him to enjoy.
* Nick Uhas, 28, entrepreneur, from New York City.
Initial impression: on second thought, "The Voice of Reason" is right.
Bottom line: definitely your "token flaming gay dude". The good news is, those guys are always the comic relief.
* Spencer Clawson, 31, railroad conductor, from Conway, Arkansas.
Initial impression: he'll never rise above number two on the "Most Famous People from Conway, Arkansas" rankings. He describes himself as laid back, easy to get along with, and his least favorite "Big Brother" houseguest of all time is Chima. Hey, mine too!
Bottom line: definitely a Final Three contender, based on strength alone. Plus, you can't really tell anything from his answers. He keeps his cards close to the vest. That's a good thing in this game.
So ... let's rank these folks. As always, these are a combination of two things:
a. how I feel about them as houseguests, and
b. how good of a week they've had.
Here we go ... Your ... Big Brother 15 Power Poll 1.0!
(Key: Ranking. Contestant. (Previous Rankings). Reason(s) for current ranking).
16. Elissa (NR). She has a huge, huge obstacle to overcome to rise in these rankings: she's Rachel's sister. I mean, she's got a bigger hill to climb to get back in my good graces, than ... I'll stop there.
15. Helen (NR). I'm dead serious -- I want to know what sleazy Democrat machine she's a consultant for. If it's the Daley's? She'll rise rapidly -- the Daley's are in my wing of the party. If it's Rahm? She'll float -- Rahm embraces both wings. If it's Obama? Just to be safe from any potential (illegal) IRS targeting, any potential (sadly, legal) NSA wire-tapping and/or hacking ... I'll just say she'll stay 15th at best, if she's a consultant for our President's sleazy political machine.
14. McCrae (NR). The first huge wildcard in these initial rankings. He could rise as high as 1st, depending on his debut this upcoming week ... or stick around at 14. All depends on how funny the dude is, because come on folks -- this guy knows how to handle a dugout and/or a roach.
13. Kaitlin (NR). Strikes me as a b*tch. Could be a good thing.
12. Spencer (NR). The other huge wildcard in these initial rankings. When not even Hamsterwatch can dig up a single thing on you, then you truly are an unknown commodity. And I am looking forward to knowing said commodity -- as someone whose "crazy uncle" worked for Union Pacific for thirty plus years, I know railroad folks are hysterical dudes.
11. GinaMarie (NR). Seems like a total fake floozy to me. (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh come on -- there's no way those are real! No blanking way! Should I haul in Stevo's Site Numero Dos fake boob expert ... uuh, well, we don't have one. But if we did, should I haul said fake boob expert in to confirm it?
10. Judd (NR). My guess is, he sinks to 16 as the first evicted houseguest, in Power Poll 2.0. But we'll see.
9. Andy (NR). No clue what to make of him, or ...
8. Nick (NR). But one of the two is your "token flaming gay dude", and will rapidly rise in the Power Poll rankings due to the hilarity of themselves.
7. Howard (NR). I still think he's Ron Artest. I'll be looking for the signature tats to confirm my theory.
6. Candice (NR). Whoa! The "token angry black chick" debuts at 6?!?!?! Either this is one helluva cast ... or this is one helluva cast! Usually "token angry black chick" never tops 10 in these rankings!
(Plus, I should also note, I spent a solid 15, 20 minutes (and "The Voice of Reason" can confirm this), trying to figure out who this chick was, I was so convinced I'd seen her before. Finally, it dawned on me -- MTV VJ! Oy. No, that was Alison Stewart, not Candice. The lesson? As always, when I'm wrong? I'm epically wrong.)
5. Jeremy (NR). Should I do it now, or hold out a couple Power Polls? (Pause). I concur. "Jeremy spoke in ... class ... today ... Jeremy spoke in ... class ... TODAY!" I should probably note -- I was a freshman in high school, when "Ten" was released. Sweet. Merciful. Jesus.
4. Jessie (NR). Probably overly optimistic ... but I'm optimistic.
3. Amanda (NR). Still probably overly optimistic ... but I'm optimistic.
2. Aaryn (NR). NOT overly optimistic -- reality. Jesus blanking Christ, she is SMOKING hot.
1. David (NR). Memphis 2.0?
stevo looks back (at his twenty seven favorite episodes of all time). here's number fifteen.
Peter Griffin: "Look at these idiots! They're not even listening! You know what? We got to prove it to them! I'm gonna go into that supermarket and get some water, and you're gonna turn it into wine!"
Jesus Christ: "OK, cool. Hey, can you get me a Cracked Magazine?"
Peter Griffin: "Cracked? Jesus Christ! Unbelievable!"
--------------------
And welcome back to the third installment in this summer's (least) riveting, (not even remotely) entertaining, (anything but) gripping look back into the twenty seven (plus one!) episodes of television history that I enjoy the most.
If you're devoutly religious? If mocking religion offends you? If you think Dave Coulier is the greatest comedian in the history of comedy?
You might wanna skip this one.
Because today's installment? Well, it isn't quite season three of "Full House" being released on DVD.
It's bigger.
--------------------
In case you've forgotten, here are the Twenty Seven (Plus One) Episodes I'll be live-recapping, as they unfold, as the summer, uuh, unfolds:
1. "Hearts and Souls", NYPD Blue.
2. "The Man Behind the Curtain", Lost.
3. "Mud Bowl", Friday Night Lights.
4. "Heartland", NCIS.
5. "The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract", Roseanne.
6. "Chuckles Bites the Dust", The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
7. "Cries of Silence", Hunter.
8. "Raging Bulls", NYPD Blue.
9. "The Son", Friday Night Lights.
10. "The Shape of Things to Come", Lost.
11. "A Matter of Mothers", Good Times.
12. "Happily Ever After", Lost.
13. "Leslie and Ben", Parks and Recreation.
14. "2162 Votes", The West Wing.
15. "I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.
16. "JR's Masterpiece", Dallas (reboot).
17a. "College", The Sopranos.
17b. "Made In America", The Sopranos.
18. "What a Day For a Daydream", Roseanne.
19. "Forever Blue", Cold Case.
20. "The Merv Griffin Show", Seinfeld.
21. "Pilot", Smash.
22. "The Rainy Day Women", The OC
23. "Two Cathedrals", The West Wing.
24. "The Wind That Blew My Heart Away", One Tree Hill.
25. "Cabin Fever", Swingtown.
26. "The Accident", The Wonder Years.
27. "Baby Blues", Cold Case.
9:10: Good Guys 1, "Surfin' Bird" 0:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:14: wait -- is the plot summary of this episode about to finally sprout?
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:16: "Do you have "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen?"
9"19: "No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in, and bought all 63 copies."
9:21: "Dammit! That is the third used record store with that same story!"
9:26: "You ... uuh ... you look familiar. Do I know you? Did you go to, uuh ... North Providence High School?"
9:32: "No."
9:33: "You, uuh, friends, with, uuh, Gary, who owns the dry cleaners?"
9:36: "No."
9:37: "Are you Jesus Christ?"
You be the judge:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:41: "No I'm not! I'm just a guy working in a record store!"
9:46: "Well if you're not, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant cd's"
9:49: "Please! NO!"
9:56: "Oh my God! Jesus Christ! The Messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word!"
10:00: "What word?"
10:01: "well the bird, bird, bird? The bird is the word!"
10:22: "It's not the second coming!"
10:23: "OK, then what are you doing down here?"
10:34: "Plus the timing seemed good, because my dad just quit smoking ..."
10:42: "You're the first person to recognize me in two thousand years!"
10:45: Peter invites Jesus over for dinner.
10:52: "After we finish eating, we can watch that Youtube! footage, of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone!"
Trust me -- hilarity ensues.
11:30: "I'm actually glad you're all here tonight. I want to tell you, one of you will betray me."
11:33: "Nah, I'm just kidding!"
11:35: "Aw, he's doing that thing he did in the story book!"
11:42: depending on your religious persuasion, an either (hilarious or offensive) retelling of the Crucifixion. I lean offensive ... and I'm not religious.
11:58: "Ok, ok, that's a pretty nutty weekend, but I can top it. So me, Cleveland, and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort ..." Hey -- we've all been there.
12:21: "I really just want to rub (Muriel Goldman)'s Jewish nose in this!"
12:23: "OK, I'll ask. How do we really know you're Jesus?" As always, the "Voice of Reason" ... is a weed-addicted dog**:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
(**: as always, the "Voice of Reason" is not a weed-addicted dog ... at least not on this site.)
12:31: Jesus turns that meat / potatoes / veggie dinner into chocolate fudge sundaes!
12:35: Meg: "I love you Jesus!"
12:36: Jesus: "I love you too, 'fella!"
12:37: Peter asks Jesus for his own little miracle.
12:44: "Ask? And ye shall receive!":
(Image(s) credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
12:51: "Hey Jesus? I know you're trying to keep a low profile ... but there's one person I really want you to meet."
13:02: President Bush: "I answer to a higher power. I answer ... to Jesus Christ."
13:03: Peter: "Well that's funny, because I have Jesus Christ right over here ..."
13:11: Jesus: "how you ever got to be President of anything? Is totally amazing!"
13:13: Peter: "boy, wouldn't it be great if life worked like this?" Yes. Yes it would.
13:22: "you may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man!"
13:31: Peter trying to convince Jesus to speed up the timeline of the Second Coming.
13:33: "You gotta get back out there -- coloring eggs, and hiding them for kids!"
13:41: "Absolutely! This world needs you, Jesus! It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction!" Allow me to say, the fact that Mister Conway Twitty does not appear singing "Slow Hand" in the next part of the episode, is OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!
(Hang on ... we're going on a tangent here ...)
(and a brief pause ... come on, you KNOW you clicked on the link above ...)
0:03: "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!"
0:13: the shrieking of the ladies for Mister Conway Twitty. Awesome. Absolutely awesome!
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
0:20: "I saw the look in your eye! Lookin' into the night!" Yeah? So?
0:27: "Darlin'? Don't say a word! I already heard! What your body's saying to mine!" Oh, that's good. That's so, so, so damned good!
0:40: what do you want, ladies, chicas, and peepettes who love this site? You know it! Admit it! You want ... hang on, to do this properly ... ladies, chicas, and peepettes, Mister Conway Twitty!
0:46: "You want a man with a slow hand! You want a lover with an easy touch! You want somebody who will spend some time -- not come and go in a heated rush!"
Oh, that's good. That's so, so, so damned good!
1:03: "Baby? Believe me -- I understand! When it comes to love? You want a slow hand!"
Oh sweet merciful Jesus, that is epic!
Where, exactly, pray tell, are those "slow hands"? Sure -- one's on the microphone ... but where's the other? :)
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
If you want to take the next two minutes to finish watching Mister Conway Twitty? Please, by all means, do so. The link in case you didn't click it.
Hell, I can't resist it either:
1:49: "If you want all night? You know it's alright! I got time! ..."
Oh yeah ...
1:57: "You want a man with a slow hand! You want a lover with an easy touch!" He not just sings it -- he holds said slow hand out, to acknowledge the screaming females in the upper deck!
God above, epic. Just absolutely EPIC! I WISH I could write like that!
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
I'm telling you -- this is THE greatest song ever recorded. For all the wrong reasons, granted -- but still. You KNOW you want a man with a "slow hand", ladies. You know you want a lover with an "easy touch". You know you crave somebody who will "spend some time", not "cum and go" in a heated rush. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course I intentionally misspelled come! Like I could resist that? Hang on -- Mister Vice President, care to chime in?
(vice president (for how much longer?) biden) no.
Probably the right call.
Back to the recap ...
14:01: "Everyone! May I have your attention please! I would like to introduce you to the one, the only, Jesus Christ!"
Go figure -- noone cares.
14:14: the opening quotation's scene begins.
14:29: let's just say, Peter is NOT a fan, of "Cracked" magazine:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
14:32: whoa! The $20 is floating on water!
14:41: whoa! He's WALKING on water!:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
14:45: "oh my God! It's Jesus!"
14:48: "and his best pal Peter!" Yeah. We'll go with that.
14:55: "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno: Providing Background Noise for Intercourse since 1992!" My bedroom begs to differ.
15:00: "Fifteen minutes, Mister Christ!" Wow, they like, totally, synched up the, uuh, story book there.
15:02: "Wow! Jesus! Can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno?" (Pause). What? (Pause). Well hell, if they haven't figured out why I love this episode like I do by this point, there's NO hope for the readership ...
15:06: "Why is it when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, but when I did, I got suspended from school for five days?" Gotta admit -- a very valid question.
15:19: "Now who are you?"
15:21: "Jesus Christ!"
15:23: "Who are you?"
15:25: "Jesus Christ!"
(15:26: my mom writing me out of the will after reading this ...)
15:28: "My thanks again to Dave Coulier! Season three of "Full House" is out on DVD ..." NEVER fails to crack me up.
No clue if he has a "slow hand". Or an "easy touch".
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
15:38: the sleazy lounge band playing "O Little Town of Bethlehem" as Jesus walks on stage, is beyond hysterical.
15:48: "eating a lot of pink berry". NEVER fails to crack me up.
16:12: if you wanna stick around, we'll be right back, with Joss Stone.
16:14: sometimes, satire is even funnier than reality ... and yes, I am FULLY aware of the satire of using this as, uuh, satire:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
16:19: "Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh!" My God! He truly IS the Messiah!
16:21: "This guy is gonna be huge!"
16:25: Newspaper headline: "He Is Risen!"
16:28: Time byline: "Messiah of the Year!"
16:33: as only the New York Post can: "Jesus ... Bigger than Jesus!"
16:36: Dane Cook welcomes us to some MTV awards show.
16:52: you know what I hate? Dane Cook.
17:03: "Is he saying something funny?" No. No he's not.
17:06: "I don't know, but he's moving around a lot, so I guess (so)". No. No, he's not.
17:16: to present the next award ... Jesus Christ ... and the Pussycat Dolls. There's an obvious joke in there. I'm guessing we'll get it.
17:26: "Boy, who would have thought me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh ..."
17:40: "Last time I was down here? I only hung around with one whore!" THERE'S the obvious joke!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
17:47: Dane Cook tries to steal the applause line. What an asshat. Wait, did I just say that out loud?
17:53: Christ's crew is leaving.
17:57: Peter realizes he's no longer part of Christ's crew.
17:58: Peter is pissed. Gotta admit, I'm with Peter on this one.
18:09: a gay cow has replaced Peter in the entourage. Again, I'm with Peter on this one:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
18:22: Peter pissed that Jesus won't return his calls.
18:28: "No, no. It rang twice, then the voice mail picked up. If it had gone straight to voice mail, that means the phone was off. If it rang like six times, that means he didn't hear it. But it rang twice, Lois! That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button, and sent it straight to voice mail!" Gotta admit -- not even I can find fault with that logic. Or with Peter's next inspired "you talk to me or else!" idea:
18:42: "You know what? Give me your phone! I bet he'll pick up!"
18:45: Peter dialing Jesus, via Lois' phone.
18:47: My God, it worked!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
18:55: "I forgot to tell you -- I have a doctor's appointment today!" Gotta admit, that's a solid excuse for not returning a call from a friend to just hang out.
18:57: "Hey look! Lindsey Lohan just took her top off!"
18:59: "Hey! I just drank a beer! Who wants to do me?"
19:02: (the realization that even FIVE YEARS AGO, Lindsey Lohan was one f*cked up individual ...)
19:03: "I do!"
19:04: "Me too!"
19:06: "I just did you ... but I'll do you again!"
19:07: "Uuh ... I gotta go."
19:22: "Maybe ... but one thing's for sure Lois. NONE of this would have happened if somebody hadn't STOLEN MY (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!) SURFIN' BIRD RECORD!" Game, set, match, Peter Griffin!
19:27: Tom Tucker!
19:32: "Local record shop employee Jesus Christ was found in Mary Kate Olson's apartment this morning ..." Uuh, that doesn't sound good.
19:40: "Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus, who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars"."
19:50: "Griffin residence, Peter speaking!"
19:52: It's Jesus.
19:54: "Oh yeah? Why should I?"
19:57: "Well get someone else to bail you out!"
20:00: "Yeah, well what are you gonna do?"
20:02: this:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
20:04: needless to say, Peter's on his way to post bail.
20:08: "Jesus Christ! Look at you!"
20:24: "You want the truth? I think it's time for me to go. This world's not ready for me yet."
20:34: "Well that's a very mature thing to say right there!"
20:39: "Well, before I go Peter, there's something I want to give you. Hold out your hands."
20:46: And Jesus' parting gift to Peter is?
20:48: Not sure, but he likes it --
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
20:52: "Well, I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone."
20:55: "I sure am gonna miss him."
20:57: "Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared."
21:01: "What?"
21:02: "Something very special, Lois."
20:04: "What is it, dad?"
21:05: "What? You haven't heard?"
21:06: CRAPPPPPP!:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
21:08: "Well the bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word!"
21:13: your parting gift:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
--------------------
This recap, I gotta admit, didn't translate all that well. Probably because "Family Guy" has so many "blink and you miss it" moments of hilarity, it's damned near impossible to capture just how funny this episode was. But I tried.
FYI: #26 on the list is probably up next, hopefully by Tuesday. So in anticipation of that, let me state up front: if anyone -- and I mean ANYONE -- for even a brief moment of time, mocks me for openly crying throughout the last 4:40, especially once you reach the 1:57 onward mark, of this rewatch?
I will hunt you down and beat your ass ... like Stone Cold Steve Austin beating Vince McMahon in a "kiss my ass" match. And that's the bottom line! Because Stevo said so ...
Jesus Christ: "OK, cool. Hey, can you get me a Cracked Magazine?"
Peter Griffin: "Cracked? Jesus Christ! Unbelievable!"
--------------------
And welcome back to the third installment in this summer's (least) riveting, (not even remotely) entertaining, (anything but) gripping look back into the twenty seven (plus one!) episodes of television history that I enjoy the most.
If you're devoutly religious? If mocking religion offends you? If you think Dave Coulier is the greatest comedian in the history of comedy?
You might wanna skip this one.
Because today's installment? Well, it isn't quite season three of "Full House" being released on DVD.
It's bigger.
--------------------
In case you've forgotten, here are the Twenty Seven (Plus One) Episodes I'll be live-recapping, as they unfold, as the summer, uuh, unfolds:
1. "Hearts and Souls", NYPD Blue.
2. "The Man Behind the Curtain", Lost.
3. "Mud Bowl", Friday Night Lights.
4. "Heartland", NCIS.
5. "The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract", Roseanne.
6. "Chuckles Bites the Dust", The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
7. "Cries of Silence", Hunter.
8. "Raging Bulls", NYPD Blue.
9. "The Son", Friday Night Lights.
10. "The Shape of Things to Come", Lost.
11. "A Matter of Mothers", Good Times.
12. "Happily Ever After", Lost.
13. "Leslie and Ben", Parks and Recreation.
14. "2162 Votes", The West Wing.
15. "I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.
16. "JR's Masterpiece", Dallas (reboot).
17a. "College", The Sopranos.
17b. "Made In America", The Sopranos.
18. "What a Day For a Daydream", Roseanne.
19. "Forever Blue", Cold Case.
20. "The Merv Griffin Show", Seinfeld.
21. "Pilot", Smash.
22. "The Rainy Day Women", The OC
23. "Two Cathedrals", The West Wing.
24. "The Wind That Blew My Heart Away", One Tree Hill.
25. "Cabin Fever", Swingtown.
26. "The Accident", The Wonder Years.
27. "Baby Blues", Cold Case.
--------------------
"I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.
Season Seven, Episode Two.
First Aired: Sunday, October 5, 2008.
Director: Mike Kim.
Writer(s): Brian Scully.
Run Time: 22 minutes (approximate).
Availability:
Netflix? Yes.
Hulu? Yes.
Youtube? No.
Plot Summary: Peter finds Jesus Christ working at a record shop, and convinced Him to make his Second Coming.
Why I Love This Episode So Much: Because literally, from the opening scene, you will not stop laughing. There is not a group of people who will not find at least one scene in this episode offensive -- religious folks, black folks, white folks, cows, Dave Coulier fans, Jay Leno fans, and oh yeah -- that thing that IS, "The Word". And no, I ain't talking about the Bible ...
For the purposes of this rewatch, I am watching it on iTunes, as you're damned skippy I own this episode.
(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, "I Dream of Jesus", from season seven of "Family Guy" ...
--------------------
0:01: you will never convince me that one of, if not the, key to "Family Guy"'s success, isn't the fact that it's one of the very few shows anymore with a legitimate opening theme song.
0:16: "Luckily there's a Family Guy!" Well luck ... and those of us who jacked the ratings on Adult Swim so far and high through the proverbial roof, that FOX renewed a show it cancelled two years earlier. You're welcome.
0:31: we open at the "Nifty Fifties Diner".
0:34: the jukebox makes its first appearance. Do NOT sleep on this plot development:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
0:40: "You know kids, there's a lot of history here. These '50s diners were really popular in the '80s."
0:45: "Boy am I gonna enjoy this meal! Not like last night, when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived."
He most assuredly did NOT have time to poop, before the guests arrived.
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
1:01: "Look at this place! They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore! Hamburgers, french fries, cokes! Ha ha ha ha! You kids don't know what I'm talking about!"
1:19: "Look! There's James Dean after the accident!"
Yeah, definitely NOT the James Deen that had "the accident" in that "Teen Mom"'s "backdoor".
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
1:24: I'm sorry, this is THE funniest moment of the episode:
Lois: "Oh look! Cleveland finally made it!"
Cleveland: "Oh hey there, Griffins!"
Diner security:
Cleveland: "oh! This takes me back!"
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
1:42: "Oh yeah Chris! Polio back then was like AIDS today! Except people who have polio get into heaven!"
1:47: it begins.
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
1:48: "The bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word ..."
1:55: "Oh! My! God! This is "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen! This is my favorite song of all time!"
2:00: somebody's happy:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
2:17: "Hey -- guy behind the counter? The bird is the word!"
2:19: "Hey -- frightened little child? The bird is the word!"
2:22: "Lady on the toilet? The bird is the word!"
2:24: (to lady on the toilet) "Well don't know you about the word?"
2:25 (lady on the toilet) "Sure! Everybody knows that the bird is the word!"
2:32: "Again! Again! I love repetition!"
2:36: the fun's over:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
2:38: "This song's from the 1960s."
2:42: "Well can I have that record? I love that song! I'll let you have sex with my daughter."
2:46: "I don't know. Let's see what your daughter looks like."
2:48: "She's right over ... there."
2:53: "OK, I'll do her. But can you tell her to cry, and beg me to stop?"
2:56: "I think that can be arranged ..."
3:04: the song is still playing.
3:06: Lois is not happy.
3:15: "Lois? I'm going to ask you this only once. Do you, or do you not, know about the bird? Because EVERYBODY'S HEARD THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!"
3:31: "Look, just go to sleep, alright?"
3:40: "the b ... b ... bird bird bird, the bird is the word!"
3:50: "Peter? I have a mammogram in the morning." Talk about a cockblock!
3:57: "Brian, can I see that paper?"
4:01: Peter: "huh. That's odd. I thought that would be big news."
4:04: Brian: "you thought what would be big news?"
4:07: Peter: "Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ... ornothological piece. A headline regarding a mass awareness of a certain ... avian variety."
4:15: Brian: "What are you talking about?"
4:16: Peter: "Oh haven't you heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard."
4:18: Brian: "what?"
4:19: Stewie: "Brian, DON'T!!!!!!!"
4:41: mmm bop a mmm maw maw, mmm maw a maw ...
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
4:51: "Oh my God! Peter! Are you ok?"
(brian griffin voice) what the hell?!?!?!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
4:53: bahp bahp a ooh moo maw maw, pahp bahp a ooh ooh maw maw! Yup, he's good.
5:05: Stewie, on the other hand:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
5:08: so allow me to rant here for a moment. The beauty of "Family Guy", amongst many things beautiful about it, is that it never -- and I mean never -- fails to take a joke, and run it so hard into the ground, that you can't stop finding it to be funny. I mean, scroll back up to the beginning, to what the Wikipedia-plagarized plot summary says about this episode. We're nearly a quarter of the way through, and not ONE THING from the plot summary, has occurred yet! It's been a five minute tribute to "Surfin' Bird"! And there's still at least half the episode left, devoted to "Surfin' Bird"! Beginning with:
5:09: "Peter! I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings! That's almost everything that we have! What the hell was it for?"
5:16: "I bought some local TV air time, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance."
Said PSA?
5:24: "Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, there's an issue facing many Americans today that I know concerns a great number of us. According to Gallup Polls, one in twelve Americans is unaware that the bird is the word. I for one, dream of an America where everyone knows that the bird is the word."
5:40: "buh buh buh bird bird bird, the bird is the word!"
5:43: "My God! Is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this!"
Mayor West, everyone -- looking out for our vital interests:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
5:50: "Sir! Our math shows the bird is equal to -- or greater than! -- the word!"
5:53: "Check it again!"
Allow me a minor rant here -- this scene is just so comedically funny, I need to rewind it a couple times before proceeding onward.
Also note -- we're now six minutes into a twenty two minute episode, and we have yet to have one glimpse, let alone plot development, that matches the plot summary. And yet, is anyone complaining? (Nope.) Is anyone upset? (Nope.) Have Quahog's finest minds confirmed that the bird is equal to, or greater than, the word? (Yup.)
Bap bap a bap a ooh moo maw maw, ooh moo maw maw ...
5:57: Brian and Stewie, on the couch, hearing "Surfin' Bird" yet again. Not good times in the land formerly known as Petoria.
6:06: Brian has had enough!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
6:08: "we have got to get that record, and destroy it! Just like that fat person's surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms!"
6:25: the plan gets underway. If you thought this was plagarized from the first "Mission: Impossible" movie, congratulations, you're a winner!
6:35: sorry, but you have to laugh at Peter's snoring. "ZZZZZZZZZ -- bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird .... ZZZZZZZZZ -- bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird ...."
6:47: our long national nightmare is almost over! Or is it?
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
6:52: a blood-curling scream! I think Peter knows his record is gone!
6:55: "WHO! DID! THIS!!!!!"
6:56: "Who did what, Pop?"
6:58: "Yes, Peter -- what has you upset?"
7:01: "Surfin' Bird ... IS GONE!"
7:04: "I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning? IT'S GONE!" Well, I'd like to say that is how I spent last night ... but nope -- I fell asleep above the legal limit, yet surprisingly coherent, with my brother's dog passing gas next to me half the night. Adventures In Dogsitting 101!
7:09: "Oh, noone here had a motive?" Cue a horrific late 1970s style accusation, that ends with Chris "shooting" Peter with a water gun. Let's pretend this scene never happened.
7:38: "Well it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away ..."
7:56: "Well the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown to buy another copy of "Surfin' Bird"!"
8:00: "Peter, that's not necessary! I'm sure it will turn up somewhere!"
8:03: "I wouldn't count on it Lois."
8:05: if you said "wow, they plagarized this scene right out of "Office Space"," congratulations, you're a winner! It's also hysterical
9:06: literally a minute later:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:10: Good Guys 1, "Surfin' Bird" 0:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:14: wait -- is the plot summary of this episode about to finally sprout?
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:16: "Do you have "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen?"
9"19: "No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in, and bought all 63 copies."
9:21: "Dammit! That is the third used record store with that same story!"
9:26: "You ... uuh ... you look familiar. Do I know you? Did you go to, uuh ... North Providence High School?"
9:32: "No."
9:33: "You, uuh, friends, with, uuh, Gary, who owns the dry cleaners?"
9:36: "No."
9:37: "Are you Jesus Christ?"
You be the judge:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:41: "No I'm not! I'm just a guy working in a record store!"
9:46: "Well if you're not, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant cd's"
9:49: "Please! NO!"
9:56: "Oh my God! Jesus Christ! The Messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word!"
10:00: "What word?"
10:01: "well the bird, bird, bird? The bird is the word!"
10:22: "It's not the second coming!"
10:23: "OK, then what are you doing down here?"
10:34: "Plus the timing seemed good, because my dad just quit smoking ..."
10:42: "You're the first person to recognize me in two thousand years!"
10:45: Peter invites Jesus over for dinner.
10:52: "After we finish eating, we can watch that Youtube! footage, of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone!"
Trust me -- hilarity ensues.
11:30: "I'm actually glad you're all here tonight. I want to tell you, one of you will betray me."
11:33: "Nah, I'm just kidding!"
11:35: "Aw, he's doing that thing he did in the story book!"
11:42: depending on your religious persuasion, an either (hilarious or offensive) retelling of the Crucifixion. I lean offensive ... and I'm not religious.
11:58: "Ok, ok, that's a pretty nutty weekend, but I can top it. So me, Cleveland, and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort ..." Hey -- we've all been there.
12:21: "I really just want to rub (Muriel Goldman)'s Jewish nose in this!"
12:23: "OK, I'll ask. How do we really know you're Jesus?" As always, the "Voice of Reason" ... is a weed-addicted dog**:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
(**: as always, the "Voice of Reason" is not a weed-addicted dog ... at least not on this site.)
12:31: Jesus turns that meat / potatoes / veggie dinner into chocolate fudge sundaes!
12:35: Meg: "I love you Jesus!"
12:36: Jesus: "I love you too, 'fella!"
12:37: Peter asks Jesus for his own little miracle.
12:44: "Ask? And ye shall receive!":
(Image(s) credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
12:51: "Hey Jesus? I know you're trying to keep a low profile ... but there's one person I really want you to meet."
13:02: President Bush: "I answer to a higher power. I answer ... to Jesus Christ."
13:03: Peter: "Well that's funny, because I have Jesus Christ right over here ..."
13:11: Jesus: "how you ever got to be President of anything? Is totally amazing!"
13:13: Peter: "boy, wouldn't it be great if life worked like this?" Yes. Yes it would.
13:22: "you may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man!"
13:31: Peter trying to convince Jesus to speed up the timeline of the Second Coming.
13:33: "You gotta get back out there -- coloring eggs, and hiding them for kids!"
13:41: "Absolutely! This world needs you, Jesus! It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction!" Allow me to say, the fact that Mister Conway Twitty does not appear singing "Slow Hand" in the next part of the episode, is OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!
(Hang on ... we're going on a tangent here ...)
(and a brief pause ... come on, you KNOW you clicked on the link above ...)
0:03: "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!"
0:13: the shrieking of the ladies for Mister Conway Twitty. Awesome. Absolutely awesome!
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
0:20: "I saw the look in your eye! Lookin' into the night!" Yeah? So?
0:27: "Darlin'? Don't say a word! I already heard! What your body's saying to mine!" Oh, that's good. That's so, so, so damned good!
0:40: what do you want, ladies, chicas, and peepettes who love this site? You know it! Admit it! You want ... hang on, to do this properly ... ladies, chicas, and peepettes, Mister Conway Twitty!
0:46: "You want a man with a slow hand! You want a lover with an easy touch! You want somebody who will spend some time -- not come and go in a heated rush!"
Oh, that's good. That's so, so, so damned good!
1:03: "Baby? Believe me -- I understand! When it comes to love? You want a slow hand!"
Oh sweet merciful Jesus, that is epic!
Where, exactly, pray tell, are those "slow hands"? Sure -- one's on the microphone ... but where's the other? :)
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
If you want to take the next two minutes to finish watching Mister Conway Twitty? Please, by all means, do so. The link in case you didn't click it.
Hell, I can't resist it either:
1:49: "If you want all night? You know it's alright! I got time! ..."
Oh yeah ...
1:57: "You want a man with a slow hand! You want a lover with an easy touch!" He not just sings it -- he holds said slow hand out, to acknowledge the screaming females in the upper deck!
God above, epic. Just absolutely EPIC! I WISH I could write like that!
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
I'm telling you -- this is THE greatest song ever recorded. For all the wrong reasons, granted -- but still. You KNOW you want a man with a "slow hand", ladies. You know you want a lover with an "easy touch". You know you crave somebody who will "spend some time", not "cum and go" in a heated rush. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course I intentionally misspelled come! Like I could resist that? Hang on -- Mister Vice President, care to chime in?
(vice president (for how much longer?) biden) no.
Probably the right call.
Back to the recap ...
14:01: "Everyone! May I have your attention please! I would like to introduce you to the one, the only, Jesus Christ!"
Go figure -- noone cares.
14:14: the opening quotation's scene begins.
14:29: let's just say, Peter is NOT a fan, of "Cracked" magazine:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
14:32: whoa! The $20 is floating on water!
14:41: whoa! He's WALKING on water!:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
14:45: "oh my God! It's Jesus!"
14:48: "and his best pal Peter!" Yeah. We'll go with that.
14:55: "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno: Providing Background Noise for Intercourse since 1992!" My bedroom begs to differ.
15:00: "Fifteen minutes, Mister Christ!" Wow, they like, totally, synched up the, uuh, story book there.
15:02: "Wow! Jesus! Can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno?" (Pause). What? (Pause). Well hell, if they haven't figured out why I love this episode like I do by this point, there's NO hope for the readership ...
15:06: "Why is it when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, but when I did, I got suspended from school for five days?" Gotta admit -- a very valid question.
15:19: "Now who are you?"
15:21: "Jesus Christ!"
15:23: "Who are you?"
15:25: "Jesus Christ!"
(15:26: my mom writing me out of the will after reading this ...)
15:28: "My thanks again to Dave Coulier! Season three of "Full House" is out on DVD ..." NEVER fails to crack me up.
No clue if he has a "slow hand". Or an "easy touch".
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
15:38: the sleazy lounge band playing "O Little Town of Bethlehem" as Jesus walks on stage, is beyond hysterical.
15:48: "eating a lot of pink berry". NEVER fails to crack me up.
16:12: if you wanna stick around, we'll be right back, with Joss Stone.
16:14: sometimes, satire is even funnier than reality ... and yes, I am FULLY aware of the satire of using this as, uuh, satire:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
16:19: "Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh!" My God! He truly IS the Messiah!
16:21: "This guy is gonna be huge!"
16:25: Newspaper headline: "He Is Risen!"
16:28: Time byline: "Messiah of the Year!"
16:33: as only the New York Post can: "Jesus ... Bigger than Jesus!"
16:36: Dane Cook welcomes us to some MTV awards show.
16:52: you know what I hate? Dane Cook.
17:03: "Is he saying something funny?" No. No he's not.
17:06: "I don't know, but he's moving around a lot, so I guess (so)". No. No, he's not.
17:16: to present the next award ... Jesus Christ ... and the Pussycat Dolls. There's an obvious joke in there. I'm guessing we'll get it.
17:26: "Boy, who would have thought me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh ..."
17:40: "Last time I was down here? I only hung around with one whore!" THERE'S the obvious joke!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
17:47: Dane Cook tries to steal the applause line. What an asshat. Wait, did I just say that out loud?
17:53: Christ's crew is leaving.
17:57: Peter realizes he's no longer part of Christ's crew.
17:58: Peter is pissed. Gotta admit, I'm with Peter on this one.
18:09: a gay cow has replaced Peter in the entourage. Again, I'm with Peter on this one:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
18:22: Peter pissed that Jesus won't return his calls.
18:28: "No, no. It rang twice, then the voice mail picked up. If it had gone straight to voice mail, that means the phone was off. If it rang like six times, that means he didn't hear it. But it rang twice, Lois! That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button, and sent it straight to voice mail!" Gotta admit -- not even I can find fault with that logic. Or with Peter's next inspired "you talk to me or else!" idea:
18:42: "You know what? Give me your phone! I bet he'll pick up!"
18:45: Peter dialing Jesus, via Lois' phone.
18:47: My God, it worked!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
18:55: "I forgot to tell you -- I have a doctor's appointment today!" Gotta admit, that's a solid excuse for not returning a call from a friend to just hang out.
18:57: "Hey look! Lindsey Lohan just took her top off!"
18:59: "Hey! I just drank a beer! Who wants to do me?"
19:02: (the realization that even FIVE YEARS AGO, Lindsey Lohan was one f*cked up individual ...)
19:03: "I do!"
19:04: "Me too!"
19:06: "I just did you ... but I'll do you again!"
19:07: "Uuh ... I gotta go."
19:22: "Maybe ... but one thing's for sure Lois. NONE of this would have happened if somebody hadn't STOLEN MY (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!) SURFIN' BIRD RECORD!" Game, set, match, Peter Griffin!
19:27: Tom Tucker!
19:32: "Local record shop employee Jesus Christ was found in Mary Kate Olson's apartment this morning ..." Uuh, that doesn't sound good.
19:40: "Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus, who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars"."
19:50: "Griffin residence, Peter speaking!"
19:52: It's Jesus.
19:54: "Oh yeah? Why should I?"
19:57: "Well get someone else to bail you out!"
20:00: "Yeah, well what are you gonna do?"
20:02: this:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
20:04: needless to say, Peter's on his way to post bail.
20:08: "Jesus Christ! Look at you!"
20:24: "You want the truth? I think it's time for me to go. This world's not ready for me yet."
20:34: "Well that's a very mature thing to say right there!"
20:39: "Well, before I go Peter, there's something I want to give you. Hold out your hands."
20:46: And Jesus' parting gift to Peter is?
20:48: Not sure, but he likes it --
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
20:52: "Well, I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone."
20:55: "I sure am gonna miss him."
20:57: "Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared."
21:01: "What?"
21:02: "Something very special, Lois."
20:04: "What is it, dad?"
21:05: "What? You haven't heard?"
21:06: CRAPPPPPP!:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
21:08: "Well the bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word!"
21:13: your parting gift:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
--------------------
This recap, I gotta admit, didn't translate all that well. Probably because "Family Guy" has so many "blink and you miss it" moments of hilarity, it's damned near impossible to capture just how funny this episode was. But I tried.
FYI: #26 on the list is probably up next, hopefully by Tuesday. So in anticipation of that, let me state up front: if anyone -- and I mean ANYONE -- for even a brief moment of time, mocks me for openly crying throughout the last 4:40, especially once you reach the 1:57 onward mark, of this rewatch?
I will hunt you down and beat your ass ... like Stone Cold Steve Austin beating Vince McMahon in a "kiss my ass" match. And that's the bottom line! Because Stevo said so ...
Thursday, June 13, 2013
a few previews ... and one "go dude go!" ...
"Aw, the hell with all the small town, small talk --
I've had enough!
It ain't their place to judge!
And man, I'm giving up.
And I said, if you can't live it down?
Might as well live it up!
You live and you learn!
Man, the world's gonna turn --
It ain't gonna stop for you!
Hell -- and I said, if you can't live it down?
Might as well live it up!
Because forgiveness is yours,
In the hands of the Lord,
Ain't nothing they can do!
Hell -- live it up! ..."
-- "Live It Up" by Brantley Gilbert ... whose last two albums are long, long, long overdue a Stevo's Site Numero Dos Official Review for ...
--------------------
Whoa! Five! -- not one, not two, not three, not even four, but FIVE! -- posts in three days! You'd think it was 2008 again or something!
Just a few quick updates, as I'm not sure how "on the grid" I'll be this weekend ...
* I am dogsitting for my brother this weekend ... and taking Monday and Tuesday off to get the hell out of the office, away from the crap we're enduring in my department. My goal is to knock out numbers fifteen and twenty three on the "best episodes ever" rewatch list ... but I make no promises.
* For the record, the next five I'm looking at doing: 15 ("I Dream of Jesus"), 23 ("Two Cathedrals"), 26 ("The Accident" ... which I've already started, before Youtube! yanked the link, so all the timing is effed up now ...), 12 ("Happily Ever After"), and 6 ("Chuckles Bites the Dust"). Of those five? I'm most looking forward to the last one. Trust me -- "Chuckles Bites the Dust" is amongst the best thirty minutes of television sitcom history ... if not the best thirty minutes of television sitcom history.
* Sadly, looks like I'm not making Omaha this year, for the second straight year. And that sucks. If you've ever been to the CWS, especially at Rosenblatt, you understand why I feel as I do.
And if not? Well, here's the link to the last time I made it up there, two years ago.
* The Royals are blowing the Rays out of Tropicana as I type this (it's 9-1, top 7). In the words of Blackstreet: "play on playa!"
* While I was not a fan (to put it mildly) ... my condolences to Jason Leffler's family, friends, and fans. What a sad, tragic loss.
* Oh, and to "The Voice of Reason" ... have I got a birthday gift (hopefully) lined up for you, come late July. You (and possibly "bts"), might be the only ones who get the hilarity of it ... ok, fine -- Brett and Heath will too -- but of all things, provided I can save it from the throw-away pile at RussMart ... well, you're gonna laugh your ass off.
And (hopefully) have one helluva addition to the downstairs memorabilia collection.
* It's early ... but Sunday (or worst case, Monday) night is planned. Me. My mom. A back deck table. A couple BLT sandwiches with Durkee sauce subbed for the mayo. And a couple bottles of Relax Riesling. If I fail to make the pool on Sunday? You'll know why.
* Finally, I'd be wrong to not acknowledge the obvious: my favorite golfer, leads the US Open, an event he has finished second in not once (1995), not twice (1999), not three times (2004), not four times (2006), but five times (2009). Phil Mickelson is two clear of the field, with the first round yet to finalize.
If he pulls this off?
It ain't gonna be Relax Riesling on my folks' deck Sunday night. I'm springing for the Austi ...
I've had enough!
It ain't their place to judge!
And man, I'm giving up.
And I said, if you can't live it down?
Might as well live it up!
You live and you learn!
Man, the world's gonna turn --
It ain't gonna stop for you!
Hell -- and I said, if you can't live it down?
Might as well live it up!
Because forgiveness is yours,
In the hands of the Lord,
Ain't nothing they can do!
Hell -- live it up! ..."
-- "Live It Up" by Brantley Gilbert ... whose last two albums are long, long, long overdue a Stevo's Site Numero Dos Official Review for ...
--------------------
Whoa! Five! -- not one, not two, not three, not even four, but FIVE! -- posts in three days! You'd think it was 2008 again or something!
Just a few quick updates, as I'm not sure how "on the grid" I'll be this weekend ...
* I am dogsitting for my brother this weekend ... and taking Monday and Tuesday off to get the hell out of the office, away from the crap we're enduring in my department. My goal is to knock out numbers fifteen and twenty three on the "best episodes ever" rewatch list ... but I make no promises.
* For the record, the next five I'm looking at doing: 15 ("I Dream of Jesus"), 23 ("Two Cathedrals"), 26 ("The Accident" ... which I've already started, before Youtube! yanked the link, so all the timing is effed up now ...), 12 ("Happily Ever After"), and 6 ("Chuckles Bites the Dust"). Of those five? I'm most looking forward to the last one. Trust me -- "Chuckles Bites the Dust" is amongst the best thirty minutes of television sitcom history ... if not the best thirty minutes of television sitcom history.
* Sadly, looks like I'm not making Omaha this year, for the second straight year. And that sucks. If you've ever been to the CWS, especially at Rosenblatt, you understand why I feel as I do.
And if not? Well, here's the link to the last time I made it up there, two years ago.
* The Royals are blowing the Rays out of Tropicana as I type this (it's 9-1, top 7). In the words of Blackstreet: "play on playa!"
* While I was not a fan (to put it mildly) ... my condolences to Jason Leffler's family, friends, and fans. What a sad, tragic loss.
* Oh, and to "The Voice of Reason" ... have I got a birthday gift (hopefully) lined up for you, come late July. You (and possibly "bts"), might be the only ones who get the hilarity of it ... ok, fine -- Brett and Heath will too -- but of all things, provided I can save it from the throw-away pile at RussMart ... well, you're gonna laugh your ass off.
And (hopefully) have one helluva addition to the downstairs memorabilia collection.
* It's early ... but Sunday (or worst case, Monday) night is planned. Me. My mom. A back deck table. A couple BLT sandwiches with Durkee sauce subbed for the mayo. And a couple bottles of Relax Riesling. If I fail to make the pool on Sunday? You'll know why.
* Finally, I'd be wrong to not acknowledge the obvious: my favorite golfer, leads the US Open, an event he has finished second in not once (1995), not twice (1999), not three times (2004), not four times (2006), but five times (2009). Phil Mickelson is two clear of the field, with the first round yet to finalize.
If he pulls this off?
It ain't gonna be Relax Riesling on my folks' deck Sunday night. I'm springing for the Austi ...
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
stevo looks back (at his twenty seven favorite episodes of all time). here's number eleven.
"I'm here, aren't I?" -- Miss Gordon.
"So's the garbage!" -- Willona Woods.
--------------------
Admit it, the "Mud Bowl" running diary was kinda cool, right? Well, it was the second most clicked link on this site last week, second only to this award-winning dissertation on ... hang on, I have to do this right.
Second only to this award-winning dissertation on (the late, great randall carlyle wakefield voice) How To Major In Asshole 101! Hell, it should be Majoring In It 1001 -- this is graduate and/or doctoral level dissertation.
Anyways, it's time for the second of this (probably not) epic twenty seven (plus one) series, looking back at the finest twenty seven (plus one) moments television has ever offered, according to me.
Tonight's installment? Glad you asked ...
--------------------
In case you've forgotten, here's the twenty seven (plus one) that are getting the special Stevo-style live blog treatment as this summer rolls along:
1. "Hearts and Souls", NYPD Blue.
2. "The Man Behind the Curtain", Lost.
3. "Mud Bowl", Friday Night Lights.
4. "Heartland", NCIS.
5. "The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract", Roseanne.
6. "Chuckles Bites the Dust", The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
7. "Cries of Silence", Hunter.
8. "Raging Bulls", NYPD Blue.
9. "The Son", Friday Night Lights.
10. "The Shape of Things to Come", Lost.
11. "A Matter of Mothers", Good Times.
12. "Happily Ever After", Lost.
13. "Leslie and Ben", Parks and Recreation.
14. "2162 Votes", The West Wing.
15. "I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.
16. "JR's Masterpiece", Dallas (reboot).
17a. "College", The Sopranos.
17b. "Made In America", The Sopranos. ***
18. "What a Day For a Daydream", Roseanne.
19. "Forever Blue", Cold Case.
20. "The Merv Griffin Show", Seinfeld.
21. "Pilot", Smash.
22. "The Rainy Day Women", The OC
23. "Two Cathedrals", The West Wing.
24. "The Wind That Blew My Heart Away", One Tree Hill.
25. "Cabin Fever", Swingtown.
26. "The Accident", The Wonder Years.
27. "Baby Blues", Cold Case.
(***: I have received not one, not two, but three -- three! -- "what the hell? No "Pine Barrens"? Are you nuts?" responses to the Sopranos episodes I chose. To which I respond, (a) use a Brian Griffin voice when making that phrase, (b) it wasn't as good as you remember it to be, and (c) (leroy jethro gibbs voice) No! You think!")
--------------------
"A Matter of Mothers", Good Times.
Season Six, Episode Twenty.
First Aired: July 18, 1979.
Director: Not Mentioned on Wikipedia.
Writers: Not Mentioned on Wikipedia.
Run Time: Not Mentioned on Wikipedia.
Availability:
Netflix? No.
Hulu? No.
Youtube? Yes -- Part One, Part Two, Part Three.
Plot Summary: Willona's latest boyfriend, Jeffrey, has been showering Penny with extravagant gifts, even though they have been seeing one another for only a couple of months. Little does Willona know, that he is part of a plan to make Willona look like an unfit mother, a plan engineered by Penny's scheming birth mother, Mrs. Gordon.
Why I Love This Episode So Much: because of all the absolutely insane plot lines "Good Times" hauled out in its final two seasons, this one takes the proverbial cake.
(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, "A Matter of Mothers", from the final season of "Good Times".
--------------------
0:01: I'm sorry: I can't help it.
"Good Times! Anytime you need a payment!
Good Times! Anytime you need a friend!
Good Times! Anytime you're out from under!
Not gettin' hassled! Not gettin' hustled!
Keepin' yo head above water!
Making a wave when you can!
Temporary layoffs? Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs? Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'? Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line? Good Times!
Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(Na Na Na Na Na) Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wait ... (brian griffin voice) what the hell? They didn't include the theme song to open this clip? (judge judy voice) That's outrageous conduct, Mr. Youtube Video Loading Dude! Outrageous!
So, let's pick up with the real 0:01:
0:01: we open with Michael on the phone with some chick named Lisa.
0:05: "Girl, what kind of man would I be, if I was just attracted to you for your body?" Uuh, a man? Me? 90 some odd percent of the male species? (And the ten percent that isn't, is attracted to the same sex, for the same reason)?
0:20" "Sure! You know, all last week, I was telling people "That Lisa! She sure does have a good head on her chest!" (rimshot!)
Poor Gramps.
(Image credit: (I'm guessing) Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979.)
0:24: Lisa hangs up on him. No sex for you tonight, young man.
0:35: Willona!!!
0:55: "Yeah you do have a little problem. If you try to fit into that thing, the only thing you won't be showing, is a little common sense!" (rimshot!) Seriously -- how in the bluest of blue hells did this show last SIX SEASONS with side-splitting jokes like that? (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh come on! This site's only on year five of piss poor joke cracking!
1:02: Jeffrey (apparently Willona's latest dating victim) bought a dress for Penny. For 1979? Gotta admit, it ain't half bad:
Oh, and it's 100 percent silk. Just in case you didn't know.
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979.)
1:19: "Well now, if that's 100 percent silk, I'd say it came from ... a worm somewhere in China!" (cue laugh track). Good Lord, why do I love this show? These jokes are (charles barkley voice) TURRIBLE!
1:30: "God knows what (Jeffrey) buys next for (Penny)."
1:31: "Maybe a guest spot on "Charlie's Angels"!" (rimshot!)
I know, I know -- who would have thunk the person to appear on this show to go on to the biggest career afterwards, would be Jay Leno.
2:06: "I know when I go out with Jeffrey, I'm going to have (this dress) on my mind all night."
2:09: "Don't worry Willona. What you should do, is get you one of (this dress). Then Jeffrey will have it on HIS mind all night!" (rimshot!)
2:25: Florida: "I tell you, I think that boy reached puberty, liked it, and decided to stay there!" (rimshot!) (Pause). What? (Pause). What the hell do you mean, this stuff isn't funny?
2:45: well, who could this be?
From "Good Times", to "Diff'rent Strokes", to "Rhythm Nation", to "Love Will Never Do Without You", to Nipplegate. What a career!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979.)
2:55: Penny gets the dress. That's good liberal parenting right there -- giving a twelve year old a suggestive night gown.
3:08: whoa, what's Bookman carrying?
3:18: it's the headboard for Penny's new brass bed!
3:27: Bookman cracks a fat person joke. I miss the 1970s.
3:52: "Miss Woods, I can't do that (take it back)! I'd miss over half my dinner!" Again -- I miss the 1970s.
3:58: "Well that should feed about two thousand hungry people!" (rimshot!)
4:10: Penny's pissed. She wanted that bed.
4:26: No, you did NOT just insult the great Willona Woods, Ms. Jackson!
4:36: we meet Jeff. Dashing!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
4:53: Jeff getting comfortable on the couch.
5:05: Willona playing passive/aggressive, "I'm pissed but won't discuss it" with Jeff. I HATE it when girls do that:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:14: Jeff: "why don't we just buy two flags, and signal each other!" (cue laugh track). Again, how is anyone NOT laughing hysterically at these brilliant one-liners?
5:22: hot damn, the joke worked!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:42: Jeff's done with the small talk. He's ready to take it ... downtown (rimshot!)
5:50: Jeff's pimping the bed Willona refused to let Penny have. (jim nantz voice) it's called "foreshadowing"! (cue smug grin).
6:09: wait -- Jeff gives her three little kisses, and Willona caves on the bed? Where the hell are women who cave to pressure this easily in my life? The three women I consider my closest relationships to, are all hard-driving, "I get my way or else" hard asses! Where's my Willona?
6:14: now THAT'S a cock block! Damned Bookman knocking at the door.
6:40: Willona trying to get Bookman to move theflight bed back up 17 flights of stairs. Surprisingly? I'm with Bookman on this one.
6:50: Bookman getting the Pillsbury Dough Boy treatment from Willona. Wow -- was it really just 35 short years ago we could openly make fun of obese folks on network television, and draw a laugh out of it? Who says TV is better today than yesterday!
7:12: Jeff and Willona are pleased with that last scene:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
7:16: Jeff propositions Willona.
7:17: Willona shoots him down.
7:18: "BOO! BOO!" -- overheard at the Casa de Stevo.
7:25: Jeff tries a different approach: it's party time! Tomorrow night! At Willona's humble abode!
7:50: Willona finally says yes to something:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
8:02: Jeff makes one last gasp, hail mary effort at scoring. Denied.
8:10: Jeff at the elevator.
8:12: Whoa, is that ...
8:18: "Miss Gordon! What are you doing here?"
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
8:20: a little plot line Cliffs Notes here, for those of you who weren't raised in front of a TV, watching syndicated reruns of "Good Times" on TBS every weekday afternoon. Miss Gordon (played by Chip Fields), is Penny's (Janet Jackson) natural mother. She beat the crap out of Penny back in season five's "The Evans Get Involved" very special four-parter on child abuse. (An iron was involved -- this will come up later in tonight's rewatch.) She's emotionally unstable, probably a drug addict (strongly implied, never confirmed), and after the abuse is confirmed, Willona steps up to adopt Penny. Miss Gordon never got over that. She's here to extract her revenge on Willona for "taking" her daughter away from her.
Oh -- and here's your random trivia question of the day: Chip Fields is what famous actress' mother?
The answer ... coming up shortly.
8:25: whoa! The bed came from Miss Gordon! (Pause). Wait a second ... she and Jeffrey are in cahoots?!?!?!
8:30: "I don't pay you to think!"
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
8:35: this b*tch be scary!
8:52: so the plot is set: Miss Gordon proves Willona is an unfit mother to get her daughter back. How, you ask, is that going to happen? Well, let's find out ... as that's the end of Part 1.
Now, for Part 2:
0:03: overlapping from the last ten seconds of Part 1. Someone needs editing classes.
0:21: Willona and Florida setting up for the party.
0:34: a Jackson Five song playing in the background ("Let's dance! Let's shout! Take your body down to the ground!") With Janet nowhere to be seen at this point.
0:36: never mind; Penny's just asked if she can record the ... well, whatever she wants to record with her new "tape deck".
0:50: Penny wants to record Bookman cursing like a sailor while setting up her bed. I approve.
0:58: "Speaking of incompetence, here comes a whale that can't swim!" I swear to Christ -- the writers of this show get a residual off this? Really?
1:03: "I heard that! It ain't funny man!" Truer words have rarely been spoken.
1:33: the guests arrive.
1:35: (peter griffin seeing ernie the giant fighting chicken voice) OH. CRAP!
2:13: "Jeffrey? Are these your friends?" (Note: as soon as a moment comes when they're all together, I'll Snag-it and post.)
2:15: "Yes".
2:16: "Do you happen to own a circus?" Gotta admit, I laughed at that one.
2:37: meet Worm. "He's on a different wave length than the rest of us." Actually, scratch my remarks at the 1:03 mark -- truer words have NEVER been spoken than right there.
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
2:40: "Well don't look now, but I think the sucker just blew a fuse!"
2:45: random party guest tries to ass-grab Flo. It does NOT go well for random party guest.
3:03: Flo: "There's a lady over there spiking all of your punch!"
3:04: Jeff: "What's wrong with that?"
3:06: Flo: "With goldfish?!?!?!"
3:14: go figure -- a guy named Worm is a drug addict. Stunner!
3:26: the neighborhood pimp Sugar Foot is there! With two of his girls! Somewhere, Sweet Daddy Williams is pissed as holy hell.
4:10: "You see, Worm here, he doesn't want this to get out, but he has a little allergy problem."
4:15: "What's he allergic to, waking up straight?" (rimshot!) (Pause). Yeah, I know -- I can envision that one being thrown back in my face a time or two this summer.
4:24: Penny emerges from her room. She heads for the recorder. File this under the "we'll get back to it" department.
4:44: "What do you mean, the wrong kind of people? These are everyday, normal people!"
A bald headed hooker. Keep it classy!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
4:48: "Yeah, if every day was Halloween!" You don't even need a laugh track for these one liners, they're so funny!
5:00: uh, oh, the cops show up.
5:06: Worm assumes the position.
5:17: "No wonder the streets are so clean. Looks like everything dirty is up here!"
5:25: Flo trying to convince the cops she's not "one of these people".
5:34: "No no, you've got it wrong. I'm employed."
5:36: "Good! Then let Sugar Foot get you out!" Gotta admit -- that's a great one liner. Because if you're paying for sex with a woman with a bigger gap tooth than Michael Strahan has ... wait a second, let me rethink where I was going with that comment ...
6:05: "That's right, Miss Woods. And the mistake seems to have been yours!" Ooh, snap, Miss Gordon! And snap, photographer who just happened to be next to you, to snap incriminating photos:
Yes, I know -- the image quality is (bruce willis in "armageddon" voice) piss poor. My defenses? (a) It's Youtube!, and (b) original 1970s stock. In the words of the most self-centered, arrogant person I know: "deal with it!"
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
6:10: Willona figures it out ... a solid seven minutes after every viewer has.
6:30: Jeff throws Willona under the bus.
6:34: Willona on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
6:43: my attempt to get the party guests in one swell shot:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
6:54: Penny, Miss Gordon, Willona, Florida, Gramps, and a cop are all that remain. Let the verbal tirade begin.
6:55: Willona: "You set me up for this! You set the whole thing up!"
7:00: Flo: "Who is she (to Miss Gordon)?" Even I'd forgotten Flo took seasons four and five off, before the Brinks truck brought her back for the final season.
7:20: the Evans are gone. We're down to four.
7:28: "It's ok. (Let her stay). I'm going to enjoy this":
Note: I would be lying, if I said I hadn't thought about assuming this pose, when the "War of the Summer of 2013" finally reaches its apex in the next few weeks.
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
7:32: "I'll be waiting outside". Exit cop. We're down to three -- Penny, and her mama's.
7:39: "Mama's come to take you home!"
7:41: "What do you mean, take her home? She's already home!"
7:55: "a home where you'll have a mother ... and a father." (Pause). What? (Pause). Yeah, I'm thinking about going there! (Pause). How? How is it racist to point out that even 35 years ago, the black community was in shambles because the Great Society meant black men had to assume no responsibility, because the government would do it for them? How is it racist to point out that 35 years later, the same problems persist that did in 1979? And yet still, most African-Americans vote Democrat, as do the "white guilt" folks, thinking tossing a boatload of federal dollars at something, can fix the problem? How is it racist to question people's sanity who keep doing the same damned thing for 50 straight years, when it never once has worked?
Let's move on.
8:02: "That's right Miss Woods. I got married."
8:09: "Of course, I didn't know at the time he was from a wealthy family, but he is, baby!" SURE you didn't know. SURE. And I'm typing this stone cold sober.
8:15: "Miss Woods? Do you know what it's like to have everything you could ever possibly dream of?" Considering she lives in the heart of the ghetto in Chicago, I'm going with "no for 200, Alex".
8:37: "She is NOT your daughter!"
8:38: "She is TOO my daughter!" Ooh! Verbal bitch slaps about to break out in this mo' fo'!!!
8:39: "Mama?"
8:40: Willona: "Yes?" / Miss Gordon: "What?"
8:42: neither one saw that last line(s) coming:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
8:45: Willona sends Penny to her room. Part II is about to end. Meaning we're set up, for the MOTHERLOAD of all verbal bitch slap throw downs, showdowns, hoedowns, about to break out, to open Part III ...
0:01: There's a solid minute of Part II to wade through, to open with. Let me play this out -- Part III starts right after Flo and Gramps left, with about :50, :51 to go in Part II.
1:17: still on a replay of the previous part.
1:33: in the words of Brent Musburger: "you are looking live! ..."
1:40: "now we can pick up where we left off." Willona is loaded for bear ... and Miss Gordon is said proverbial bear!
1:42: "Come on! That's all in the past!" Gotta love the "GODD*MMIT! YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME DEFEND MY WRONGDOING?!?!?!" look of disgust in Miss Gordon's eyes:
Oh -- your trivia answer? Chip Fields (who plays Miss Gordon) ... is Tootie's mother. AKA Kim Fields' mother. And Kim (I believe) got her acting start on "Good Times" as a classmate of Penny's. It is a small world after all!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
1:44: Willona fires the first shot: "you know, I know you're not wrapped too tight."
Let's just say, that did NOT go over well:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
1:55: "Let me tell you something -- that little girl in there, wakes up at night, screaming about your abuse, your beatings, the bruises, the cuts -- THE BURNS WITH THE HOT IRON! She ain't gonna forget it! You see, you remember it! I remember it! I only pray to God that one day, she can forget it!"
(cue a very loud "you go girl!" at the Casa de Stevo! (fist pump voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
2:07: "Look it -- times change! People change! There's no need to bring up all that!"
2:12: "All that? What about all this (referencing the bust)?"
2:15: "I mean, you come up here, and set me up like I'm some kind of gangster!"
2:22: "That was unfortunate. But I needed insurance, just in case you wanted to take this thing to court!"
2:27: "Behind you trying to frame me, you better BELIEVE we taking this to court!" Go Willona Go!
2:45: let's just say, Miss Gordon's last blast, hit home:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
2:52: "Now come on, Miss Woods! Can't we just talk this thing out, woman to woman?"
2:55: "That depends. (Pause). What woman is gonna talk to you?" (cue audience "nah! she did NOT just say that?!?!" reaction).
2:58: Miss Gordon is pissed:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
3:05: "You can see the look in that kid's eyes! She wants to come home with me!"
3:14: "What could you possibly give her to top (Miss Gordon's gifts to Penny)?"
3:18: "Love."
3:19: F*ck you, Miss Gordon:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
3:23: "Can you (give her love)?"
3:25: "I'm here, ain't I?"
3:27: "So's the garbage!"
THAT ... is a verbal bitch slap!!!!
(Image(s) credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
3:38: "You wanna take this thing to court? Let's take it to court!" God, I hope it winds up with Judge Wapner.
3:48: WHOA! Jeffrey's been here for the whole thing! Never saw him once.
3:51: "You. You were in the whole thing, huh?"
3:55: "Oh yes. He was a very expensive part of the whole thing. And a mighty fine actor."
4:04: "An actor?"
4:05: "Bravo!"
4:11: "You know, it just proves to me that money can buy almost anything. Lies. Deceit. Deception ... look, you get your little bit player out of here, and all your props, and get all your ... out of here before I break your neck!"
(Savvy readers: see it? On the shelf? It's about to come in handy ...)
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
4:31: "Yes I am! Serious as suici --":
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
4:34: Willona gets what the recorder means.
4:36: Penny emerges from her room.
4:38: "Penny? How long has this been on?"
4:40: "Since those people came to the party."
4:43: "Rewind it!"
4:47: "Well what do you think that's gonna prove?"
4:48: "I don't know! Maybe the truth!"
4:51: Penny listening to her mothers' arguing.
4:59: the gig is up:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:08: "That's you! On tape!"
5:12: "Penny, give that to me!"
5:14: "Penny, give it to Mama!"
5:16: decision time:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:19: Penny chooses Willona.
5:20: Miss Gordon attacks:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:27: Willona wins:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:29: a very pissed off Willona: "You tell me, all your violence is still in the past?"
5:33: Miss Gordon's response:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:37: literally speechless.
5:42: Jeff!
5:47: "Let's go, Miss Gordon." You know, I actually think Jeff fell for Willona. Seriously.
5:52: the last words Miss Gordon ever says to her daughter: "Penny, I ... (breaks down crying) ..."
5:58: Jeff confirms my theory! "Willona? Any other time? Any other place? (Pause). You still would have been too good for me."
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
6:13: Jeff and Willona are no mas.
6:40: Penny offers the record back to Miss Gordon.
6:42: "Baby no! We need this for evidence!"
6:45: "It doesn't matter! No matter what the court says, no matter what (Miss Gordon) says, no matter what anyone says, I'll always be with you, mama!"
7:02: if a sitcom can have a "f*ck you!" moment, this is it:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
7:22: cue the closing credits.
And since I know the words to them by heart ...
"Just looking out of the window.
Watching the asphalt grow.
Thinkin' how it all looks hand me down!
(Good Times!) Yeah! (Good Times!)
Keepin' yo' head above water!
Making a wave when you can!
Temporary layoffs? Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs? Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'? Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line? Good Times!
Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(na na na na na) Good Times!!!!!
Hope you enjoyed the second "Fine Twenty Seven Lookback". And if you didn't? Well sh*t, you didn't pay to read it, so consider it a sunken cost ...
"So's the garbage!" -- Willona Woods.
--------------------
Admit it, the "Mud Bowl" running diary was kinda cool, right? Well, it was the second most clicked link on this site last week, second only to this award-winning dissertation on ... hang on, I have to do this right.
Second only to this award-winning dissertation on (the late, great randall carlyle wakefield voice) How To Major In Asshole 101! Hell, it should be Majoring In It 1001 -- this is graduate and/or doctoral level dissertation.
Anyways, it's time for the second of this (probably not) epic twenty seven (plus one) series, looking back at the finest twenty seven (plus one) moments television has ever offered, according to me.
Tonight's installment? Glad you asked ...
--------------------
In case you've forgotten, here's the twenty seven (plus one) that are getting the special Stevo-style live blog treatment as this summer rolls along:
1. "Hearts and Souls", NYPD Blue.
2. "The Man Behind the Curtain", Lost.
3. "Mud Bowl", Friday Night Lights.
4. "Heartland", NCIS.
5. "The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract", Roseanne.
6. "Chuckles Bites the Dust", The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
7. "Cries of Silence", Hunter.
8. "Raging Bulls", NYPD Blue.
9. "The Son", Friday Night Lights.
10. "The Shape of Things to Come", Lost.
11. "A Matter of Mothers", Good Times.
12. "Happily Ever After", Lost.
13. "Leslie and Ben", Parks and Recreation.
14. "2162 Votes", The West Wing.
15. "I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.
16. "JR's Masterpiece", Dallas (reboot).
17a. "College", The Sopranos.
17b. "Made In America", The Sopranos. ***
18. "What a Day For a Daydream", Roseanne.
19. "Forever Blue", Cold Case.
20. "The Merv Griffin Show", Seinfeld.
21. "Pilot", Smash.
22. "The Rainy Day Women", The OC
23. "Two Cathedrals", The West Wing.
24. "The Wind That Blew My Heart Away", One Tree Hill.
25. "Cabin Fever", Swingtown.
26. "The Accident", The Wonder Years.
27. "Baby Blues", Cold Case.
(***: I have received not one, not two, but three -- three! -- "what the hell? No "Pine Barrens"? Are you nuts?" responses to the Sopranos episodes I chose. To which I respond, (a) use a Brian Griffin voice when making that phrase, (b) it wasn't as good as you remember it to be, and (c) (leroy jethro gibbs voice) No! You think!")
--------------------
"A Matter of Mothers", Good Times.
Season Six, Episode Twenty.
First Aired: July 18, 1979.
Director: Not Mentioned on Wikipedia.
Writers: Not Mentioned on Wikipedia.
Run Time: Not Mentioned on Wikipedia.
Availability:
Netflix? No.
Hulu? No.
Youtube? Yes -- Part One, Part Two, Part Three.
Plot Summary: Willona's latest boyfriend, Jeffrey, has been showering Penny with extravagant gifts, even though they have been seeing one another for only a couple of months. Little does Willona know, that he is part of a plan to make Willona look like an unfit mother, a plan engineered by Penny's scheming birth mother, Mrs. Gordon.
Why I Love This Episode So Much: because of all the absolutely insane plot lines "Good Times" hauled out in its final two seasons, this one takes the proverbial cake.
(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, "A Matter of Mothers", from the final season of "Good Times".
--------------------
0:01: I'm sorry: I can't help it.
"Good Times! Anytime you need a payment!
Good Times! Anytime you need a friend!
Good Times! Anytime you're out from under!
Not gettin' hassled! Not gettin' hustled!
Keepin' yo head above water!
Making a wave when you can!
Temporary layoffs? Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs? Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'? Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line? Good Times!
Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(Na Na Na Na Na) Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wait ... (brian griffin voice) what the hell? They didn't include the theme song to open this clip? (judge judy voice) That's outrageous conduct, Mr. Youtube Video Loading Dude! Outrageous!
So, let's pick up with the real 0:01:
0:01: we open with Michael on the phone with some chick named Lisa.
0:05: "Girl, what kind of man would I be, if I was just attracted to you for your body?" Uuh, a man? Me? 90 some odd percent of the male species? (And the ten percent that isn't, is attracted to the same sex, for the same reason)?
0:20" "Sure! You know, all last week, I was telling people "That Lisa! She sure does have a good head on her chest!" (rimshot!)
Poor Gramps.
(Image credit: (I'm guessing) Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979.)
0:24: Lisa hangs up on him. No sex for you tonight, young man.
0:35: Willona!!!
0:55: "Yeah you do have a little problem. If you try to fit into that thing, the only thing you won't be showing, is a little common sense!" (rimshot!) Seriously -- how in the bluest of blue hells did this show last SIX SEASONS with side-splitting jokes like that? (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh come on! This site's only on year five of piss poor joke cracking!
1:02: Jeffrey (apparently Willona's latest dating victim) bought a dress for Penny. For 1979? Gotta admit, it ain't half bad:
Oh, and it's 100 percent silk. Just in case you didn't know.
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979.)
1:19: "Well now, if that's 100 percent silk, I'd say it came from ... a worm somewhere in China!" (cue laugh track). Good Lord, why do I love this show? These jokes are (charles barkley voice) TURRIBLE!
1:30: "God knows what (Jeffrey) buys next for (Penny)."
1:31: "Maybe a guest spot on "Charlie's Angels"!" (rimshot!)
I know, I know -- who would have thunk the person to appear on this show to go on to the biggest career afterwards, would be Jay Leno.
2:06: "I know when I go out with Jeffrey, I'm going to have (this dress) on my mind all night."
2:09: "Don't worry Willona. What you should do, is get you one of (this dress). Then Jeffrey will have it on HIS mind all night!" (rimshot!)
2:25: Florida: "I tell you, I think that boy reached puberty, liked it, and decided to stay there!" (rimshot!) (Pause). What? (Pause). What the hell do you mean, this stuff isn't funny?
2:45: well, who could this be?
From "Good Times", to "Diff'rent Strokes", to "Rhythm Nation", to "Love Will Never Do Without You", to Nipplegate. What a career!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979.)
2:55: Penny gets the dress. That's good liberal parenting right there -- giving a twelve year old a suggestive night gown.
3:08: whoa, what's Bookman carrying?
3:18: it's the headboard for Penny's new brass bed!
3:27: Bookman cracks a fat person joke. I miss the 1970s.
3:52: "Miss Woods, I can't do that (take it back)! I'd miss over half my dinner!" Again -- I miss the 1970s.
3:58: "Well that should feed about two thousand hungry people!" (rimshot!)
4:10: Penny's pissed. She wanted that bed.
4:26: No, you did NOT just insult the great Willona Woods, Ms. Jackson!
4:36: we meet Jeff. Dashing!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
4:53: Jeff getting comfortable on the couch.
5:05: Willona playing passive/aggressive, "I'm pissed but won't discuss it" with Jeff. I HATE it when girls do that:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:14: Jeff: "why don't we just buy two flags, and signal each other!" (cue laugh track). Again, how is anyone NOT laughing hysterically at these brilliant one-liners?
5:22: hot damn, the joke worked!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:42: Jeff's done with the small talk. He's ready to take it ... downtown (rimshot!)
5:50: Jeff's pimping the bed Willona refused to let Penny have. (jim nantz voice) it's called "foreshadowing"! (cue smug grin).
6:09: wait -- Jeff gives her three little kisses, and Willona caves on the bed? Where the hell are women who cave to pressure this easily in my life? The three women I consider my closest relationships to, are all hard-driving, "I get my way or else" hard asses! Where's my Willona?
6:14: now THAT'S a cock block! Damned Bookman knocking at the door.
6:40: Willona trying to get Bookman to move the
6:50: Bookman getting the Pillsbury Dough Boy treatment from Willona. Wow -- was it really just 35 short years ago we could openly make fun of obese folks on network television, and draw a laugh out of it? Who says TV is better today than yesterday!
7:12: Jeff and Willona are pleased with that last scene:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
7:16: Jeff propositions Willona.
7:17: Willona shoots him down.
7:18: "BOO! BOO!" -- overheard at the Casa de Stevo.
7:25: Jeff tries a different approach: it's party time! Tomorrow night! At Willona's humble abode!
7:50: Willona finally says yes to something:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
8:02: Jeff makes one last gasp, hail mary effort at scoring. Denied.
8:10: Jeff at the elevator.
8:12: Whoa, is that ...
8:18: "Miss Gordon! What are you doing here?"
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
8:20: a little plot line Cliffs Notes here, for those of you who weren't raised in front of a TV, watching syndicated reruns of "Good Times" on TBS every weekday afternoon. Miss Gordon (played by Chip Fields), is Penny's (Janet Jackson) natural mother. She beat the crap out of Penny back in season five's "The Evans Get Involved" very special four-parter on child abuse. (An iron was involved -- this will come up later in tonight's rewatch.) She's emotionally unstable, probably a drug addict (strongly implied, never confirmed), and after the abuse is confirmed, Willona steps up to adopt Penny. Miss Gordon never got over that. She's here to extract her revenge on Willona for "taking" her daughter away from her.
Oh -- and here's your random trivia question of the day: Chip Fields is what famous actress' mother?
The answer ... coming up shortly.
8:25: whoa! The bed came from Miss Gordon! (Pause). Wait a second ... she and Jeffrey are in cahoots?!?!?!
8:30: "I don't pay you to think!"
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
8:35: this b*tch be scary!
8:52: so the plot is set: Miss Gordon proves Willona is an unfit mother to get her daughter back. How, you ask, is that going to happen? Well, let's find out ... as that's the end of Part 1.
Now, for Part 2:
0:03: overlapping from the last ten seconds of Part 1. Someone needs editing classes.
0:21: Willona and Florida setting up for the party.
0:34: a Jackson Five song playing in the background ("Let's dance! Let's shout! Take your body down to the ground!") With Janet nowhere to be seen at this point.
0:36: never mind; Penny's just asked if she can record the ... well, whatever she wants to record with her new "tape deck".
0:50: Penny wants to record Bookman cursing like a sailor while setting up her bed. I approve.
0:58: "Speaking of incompetence, here comes a whale that can't swim!" I swear to Christ -- the writers of this show get a residual off this? Really?
1:03: "I heard that! It ain't funny man!" Truer words have rarely been spoken.
1:33: the guests arrive.
1:35: (peter griffin seeing ernie the giant fighting chicken voice) OH. CRAP!
2:13: "Jeffrey? Are these your friends?" (Note: as soon as a moment comes when they're all together, I'll Snag-it and post.)
2:15: "Yes".
2:16: "Do you happen to own a circus?" Gotta admit, I laughed at that one.
2:37: meet Worm. "He's on a different wave length than the rest of us." Actually, scratch my remarks at the 1:03 mark -- truer words have NEVER been spoken than right there.
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
2:40: "Well don't look now, but I think the sucker just blew a fuse!"
2:45: random party guest tries to ass-grab Flo. It does NOT go well for random party guest.
3:03: Flo: "There's a lady over there spiking all of your punch!"
3:04: Jeff: "What's wrong with that?"
3:06: Flo: "With goldfish?!?!?!"
3:14: go figure -- a guy named Worm is a drug addict. Stunner!
3:26: the neighborhood pimp Sugar Foot is there! With two of his girls! Somewhere, Sweet Daddy Williams is pissed as holy hell.
4:10: "You see, Worm here, he doesn't want this to get out, but he has a little allergy problem."
4:15: "What's he allergic to, waking up straight?" (rimshot!) (Pause). Yeah, I know -- I can envision that one being thrown back in my face a time or two this summer.
4:24: Penny emerges from her room. She heads for the recorder. File this under the "we'll get back to it" department.
4:44: "What do you mean, the wrong kind of people? These are everyday, normal people!"
A bald headed hooker. Keep it classy!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
4:48: "Yeah, if every day was Halloween!" You don't even need a laugh track for these one liners, they're so funny!
5:00: uh, oh, the cops show up.
5:06: Worm assumes the position.
5:17: "No wonder the streets are so clean. Looks like everything dirty is up here!"
5:25: Flo trying to convince the cops she's not "one of these people".
5:34: "No no, you've got it wrong. I'm employed."
5:36: "Good! Then let Sugar Foot get you out!" Gotta admit -- that's a great one liner. Because if you're paying for sex with a woman with a bigger gap tooth than Michael Strahan has ... wait a second, let me rethink where I was going with that comment ...
6:05: "That's right, Miss Woods. And the mistake seems to have been yours!" Ooh, snap, Miss Gordon! And snap, photographer who just happened to be next to you, to snap incriminating photos:
Yes, I know -- the image quality is (bruce willis in "armageddon" voice) piss poor. My defenses? (a) It's Youtube!, and (b) original 1970s stock. In the words of the most self-centered, arrogant person I know: "deal with it!"
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
6:10: Willona figures it out ... a solid seven minutes after every viewer has.
6:30: Jeff throws Willona under the bus.
6:34: Willona on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
6:43: my attempt to get the party guests in one swell shot:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
6:54: Penny, Miss Gordon, Willona, Florida, Gramps, and a cop are all that remain. Let the verbal tirade begin.
6:55: Willona: "You set me up for this! You set the whole thing up!"
7:00: Flo: "Who is she (to Miss Gordon)?" Even I'd forgotten Flo took seasons four and five off, before the Brinks truck brought her back for the final season.
7:20: the Evans are gone. We're down to four.
7:28: "It's ok. (Let her stay). I'm going to enjoy this":
Note: I would be lying, if I said I hadn't thought about assuming this pose, when the "War of the Summer of 2013" finally reaches its apex in the next few weeks.
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
7:32: "I'll be waiting outside". Exit cop. We're down to three -- Penny, and her mama's.
7:39: "Mama's come to take you home!"
7:41: "What do you mean, take her home? She's already home!"
7:55: "a home where you'll have a mother ... and a father." (Pause). What? (Pause). Yeah, I'm thinking about going there! (Pause). How? How is it racist to point out that even 35 years ago, the black community was in shambles because the Great Society meant black men had to assume no responsibility, because the government would do it for them? How is it racist to point out that 35 years later, the same problems persist that did in 1979? And yet still, most African-Americans vote Democrat, as do the "white guilt" folks, thinking tossing a boatload of federal dollars at something, can fix the problem? How is it racist to question people's sanity who keep doing the same damned thing for 50 straight years, when it never once has worked?
Let's move on.
8:02: "That's right Miss Woods. I got married."
8:09: "Of course, I didn't know at the time he was from a wealthy family, but he is, baby!" SURE you didn't know. SURE. And I'm typing this stone cold sober.
8:15: "Miss Woods? Do you know what it's like to have everything you could ever possibly dream of?" Considering she lives in the heart of the ghetto in Chicago, I'm going with "no for 200, Alex".
8:37: "She is NOT your daughter!"
8:38: "She is TOO my daughter!" Ooh! Verbal bitch slaps about to break out in this mo' fo'!!!
8:39: "Mama?"
8:40: Willona: "Yes?" / Miss Gordon: "What?"
8:42: neither one saw that last line(s) coming:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
8:45: Willona sends Penny to her room. Part II is about to end. Meaning we're set up, for the MOTHERLOAD of all verbal bitch slap throw downs, showdowns, hoedowns, about to break out, to open Part III ...
0:01: There's a solid minute of Part II to wade through, to open with. Let me play this out -- Part III starts right after Flo and Gramps left, with about :50, :51 to go in Part II.
1:17: still on a replay of the previous part.
1:33: in the words of Brent Musburger: "you are looking live! ..."
1:40: "now we can pick up where we left off." Willona is loaded for bear ... and Miss Gordon is said proverbial bear!
1:42: "Come on! That's all in the past!" Gotta love the "GODD*MMIT! YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME DEFEND MY WRONGDOING?!?!?!" look of disgust in Miss Gordon's eyes:
Oh -- your trivia answer? Chip Fields (who plays Miss Gordon) ... is Tootie's mother. AKA Kim Fields' mother. And Kim (I believe) got her acting start on "Good Times" as a classmate of Penny's. It is a small world after all!
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
1:44: Willona fires the first shot: "you know, I know you're not wrapped too tight."
Let's just say, that did NOT go over well:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
1:55: "Let me tell you something -- that little girl in there, wakes up at night, screaming about your abuse, your beatings, the bruises, the cuts -- THE BURNS WITH THE HOT IRON! She ain't gonna forget it! You see, you remember it! I remember it! I only pray to God that one day, she can forget it!"
(cue a very loud "you go girl!" at the Casa de Stevo! (fist pump voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
2:07: "Look it -- times change! People change! There's no need to bring up all that!"
2:12: "All that? What about all this (referencing the bust)?"
2:15: "I mean, you come up here, and set me up like I'm some kind of gangster!"
2:22: "That was unfortunate. But I needed insurance, just in case you wanted to take this thing to court!"
2:27: "Behind you trying to frame me, you better BELIEVE we taking this to court!" Go Willona Go!
2:45: let's just say, Miss Gordon's last blast, hit home:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
2:52: "Now come on, Miss Woods! Can't we just talk this thing out, woman to woman?"
2:55: "That depends. (Pause). What woman is gonna talk to you?" (cue audience "nah! she did NOT just say that?!?!" reaction).
2:58: Miss Gordon is pissed:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
3:05: "You can see the look in that kid's eyes! She wants to come home with me!"
3:14: "What could you possibly give her to top (Miss Gordon's gifts to Penny)?"
3:18: "Love."
3:19: F*ck you, Miss Gordon:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
3:23: "Can you (give her love)?"
3:25: "I'm here, ain't I?"
3:27: "So's the garbage!"
THAT ... is a verbal bitch slap!!!!
(Image(s) credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
3:38: "You wanna take this thing to court? Let's take it to court!" God, I hope it winds up with Judge Wapner.
3:48: WHOA! Jeffrey's been here for the whole thing! Never saw him once.
3:51: "You. You were in the whole thing, huh?"
3:55: "Oh yes. He was a very expensive part of the whole thing. And a mighty fine actor."
4:04: "An actor?"
4:05: "Bravo!"
4:11: "You know, it just proves to me that money can buy almost anything. Lies. Deceit. Deception ... look, you get your little bit player out of here, and all your props, and get all your ... out of here before I break your neck!"
(Savvy readers: see it? On the shelf? It's about to come in handy ...)
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
4:31: "Yes I am! Serious as suici --":
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
4:34: Willona gets what the recorder means.
4:36: Penny emerges from her room.
4:38: "Penny? How long has this been on?"
4:40: "Since those people came to the party."
4:43: "Rewind it!"
4:47: "Well what do you think that's gonna prove?"
4:48: "I don't know! Maybe the truth!"
4:51: Penny listening to her mothers' arguing.
4:59: the gig is up:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:08: "That's you! On tape!"
5:12: "Penny, give that to me!"
5:14: "Penny, give it to Mama!"
5:16: decision time:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:19: Penny chooses Willona.
5:20: Miss Gordon attacks:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:27: Willona wins:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:29: a very pissed off Willona: "You tell me, all your violence is still in the past?"
5:33: Miss Gordon's response:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
5:37: literally speechless.
5:42: Jeff!
5:47: "Let's go, Miss Gordon." You know, I actually think Jeff fell for Willona. Seriously.
5:52: the last words Miss Gordon ever says to her daughter: "Penny, I ... (breaks down crying) ..."
5:58: Jeff confirms my theory! "Willona? Any other time? Any other place? (Pause). You still would have been too good for me."
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
6:13: Jeff and Willona are no mas.
6:40: Penny offers the record back to Miss Gordon.
6:42: "Baby no! We need this for evidence!"
6:45: "It doesn't matter! No matter what the court says, no matter what (Miss Gordon) says, no matter what anyone says, I'll always be with you, mama!"
7:02: if a sitcom can have a "f*ck you!" moment, this is it:
(Image credit: Norman Lear Productions, (c) 1979).
7:22: cue the closing credits.
And since I know the words to them by heart ...
"Just looking out of the window.
Watching the asphalt grow.
Thinkin' how it all looks hand me down!
(Good Times!) Yeah! (Good Times!)
Keepin' yo' head above water!
Making a wave when you can!
Temporary layoffs? Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs? Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'? Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line? Good Times!
Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(na na na na na) Good Times!!!!!
Hope you enjoyed the second "Fine Twenty Seven Lookback". And if you didn't? Well sh*t, you didn't pay to read it, so consider it a sunken cost ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)