2014 chiefs in review: the dream schedule, professor stevo's "offensive" grades ...

“If I don’t listen to the talk of the town?

Then maybe I can fool myself!

I’ll get over you!

I know I will!

And I’ll pretend

My ship’s not sinking!

And I’ll tell myself?

I’m over you!

‘Cause I’m the

King of wishful thinking!

I am the king of wishful thinking!

I refuse to give into my blues –

That’s not how it’s gonna be!

And I deny the tears in my eyes,

I don’t wanna let you see!

That you have left a

Hole in my heart,

And now I’ve got to

Fool myself …

I’ll get over you!

I know I will!

And I’ll pretend

My ship’s not sinking!

And I’ll tell myself?

I’m over you!

‘Cause I’m the

King of Wishful Thinking! …”

-- “King of Wishful Thinking” by Go West.  (late 1980s nbc announcer voice) "And now, Part Two, of the 2014 Chiefs ... in Review."

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So, with our opponents now fully known, here is my dream schedule for the 2015 Chiefs season.

I should note up front: this upcoming season has some sick road trip potential – there are five driveable roadies on the schedule … and San Diego is always in play for a get-away, especially if it’s from Thanksgiving on.

* Preseason:

I don’t care, other than the only possible Double Header Day is Week One (August 8; the Royals host the Angels that weekend).  The Royals are out of town for Weeks Two and Three, and Week Four will be on Thursday, September 3 against the Rams, in the (don criqui voice) Governor’s Cup Trophy matchup.  I’d be lying if I said I knew where that will occur this year … just as I’d be lying if I said I gave a sh*t.

The only other thing to note, is that usually the Chiefs play the Packers and Vikings in the preseason.  Highly unlikely to happen this year, since the Chiefs travel to both locales in the 2015 regular season.  (Although in 2011, the Chiefs hosted the Packers in Week Fifteen … but played them in the preseason finale.)

Let’s hope for home games weeks one and three (since three is the only preseason game even remotely worth paying attention to).

* Regular Season:

The Royals are home on Sunday for Week Three (but not on Monday).  That’s the only schedule complication to account for (and oh hell to the mo' fo' yes, I did account for it ... in true Stevo-Style fashion.  (Pause).  Wait, should "Style" be capitalized?!?!?!)

That means the odds are good the Chiefs will open at home for the fifth time in six years (only 2013, at Jacksonville, hasn’t opened at Arrowhead since 2009 – 2010 vs Chargers, 2011 vs Bills, 2012 vs Falcons, 2014 vs Titans).

We know that the Chiefs will face the Lions in London in Week Eight (Sunday, November 1, 8:30am CT), and we know the Chiefs will get their bye week in Week Nine.  Other than that, the other fifteen slots are up for debate, between now and when the real schedule comes out in late April.

Here are the opponents for 2015:

Home: donkeys, raiders, Chargers, Steelers, Browns, Bills, Bears, Lions*.

Road: donkeys, raiders, Chargers, Bengals, Ravens, Texans, Packers, Vikings.

And here is how I’d love for the schedule to look, when it is released:

Week One: Sunday, September 13, vs Browns, noon (CBS).

Week Two: Sunday, September 20, at Vikings, noon (CBS).

Week Three: Monday, September 28, vs Steelers, 7:30pm (ESPN).

Week Four: Sunday, October 4, vs Bears, noon (FOX).

Week Five: Sunday, October 11, at donkeys, 3:25pm (CBS).

Week Six: Sunday, October 18, at Texans, noon (CBS).

Week Seven: Sunday, October 25, vs Chargers, noon (CBS).

Week Eight: Sunday, November 1, vs Lions, 8:30am (FOX).

Week Nine: bye.

Week Ten: Sunday, November 15, at Packers, 3:25pm (CBS).

Week Eleven: Sunday, November 22, at Ravens, noon (CBS).

Week Twelve: Thursday, November 26, vs broncos, 7:30pm (NBC).

Week Thirteen: Sunday, December 6, at raiders, 3:25pm (CBS).

Week Fourteen: Sunday, December 13, at Chargers, 3:25pm (CBS).

Week Fifteen: Sunday, December 20, vs Bills, noon (CBS).

Week Sixteen: Sunday, December 27, at Bengals, noon (CBS).

Week Seventeen: Sunday, January 3, vs raiders, noon (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: let’s take this one quarter at a time, shall we?

The first four see the Chiefs with three of four at home, and the only game they would (should?) be an underdog in, given where things stand at the moment, is set in prime time (because the Chiefs and Steelers almost always play in prime time.  Not sure why; they just do.)  That’s a very easy slate to open with, and if the Chiefs are anything less than 3-1 after that slate of games, they should be extremely disappointed.

There’s also a very doable roadie in that opening slate – at the Vikings.  You’re damned right I scheduled that one early enough in the season, that it’s doable.  I went to the game up there the last time the Chiefs played them, back in 2003.  It was late December, it was six degrees out, and we walked through a foot of snow from the car to the Metrodome and back.  The Vikings play outdoors in 2015 (before moving into the Fake Metrodome in 2016).  If we play up there anytime after Halloween, there’s no way I’m going.  Anytime before Halloween?  Load up the car, we’re goin’ streaking!  I mean, road tripping!

The second four is tougher – every game is against a team that won at least nine games in 2014, and three of them are away from Arrowhead (even if Detroit counts as a “home game”).  Like the first four, it contains at least one very doable roadie (I’d prefer Houston … but I’m fine with denver).  Unlike the first four, 3-1 would be an amazing mark in this stretch.  You hope for 2-2, with at least one of the two in the win column being against a divisional opponent.

The third four is the toughest stretch – roadies at two playoff teams, a short week prime time matchup against the donkeys, and a classic trap game by the Bay, to enter the stretch run.  Like the second quarter, you hope for 2-2, but a path to 3-1 is at least visible.  (And the drivable roadie, would be one helluva fun roadie, to Lambeau.  Expensive … but fun.)

The final four games see three games against teams that won nine or more, see two divisional games, and … whoa!  What is this!  The 2015 NFL Regular Season concludes on my 39^th birthday?  Well hell, let’s close this season down with a beatable opponent, with quite possibly a “win and in” scenario on the table, and let’s schedule it against the one divisional opponent guaranteed to bring in a lot of fun friends and chosen family to boot! 

(The potential roadie?  Christmas in the Queen City.  (Pause).  Yeah, you’re right – I have spent Christmas in worse locales.)

The 2015 Chiefs schedule is going to be rough no matter how you draw it up.  Seven games against 2014 playoff teams, four more games against teams that won nine games, but didn’t make the playoffs, and a sneaky good roadie at Minnesota.  Throw in the fact that Cleveland collapsed down the stretch (but still won seven), and the Bears aren’t going to go 5-11 again, that means you’re only two layups involve a team that rarely is a layup for the Chiefs – the raiders.

It’s gonna be tough, no matter how you draw it up. 

Drawn up like my (brett voice) vivid imagination has above?  Makes it manageable.

Next up: Professor Stevo’s Grades!  This … could be highly entertaining.

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Let’s start with …

* The Offense.

* LT Eric Fisher: C.  I’d grade the first half of the season at a D-, and the second half (save for the Steelers game) at a B+.  Split the baby in two and call it a C.  Which is the problem.  When you’re the blindside tackle, and the number one pick in the draft, delivering two mediocre to disappointing seasons is a debacle.  If the Chiefs are going to take a step forward in 2015, Eric Fisher has to perform at a B+ level or higher.  Whether he’s capable of that, is one of the four or five most important things, to try to identify this offseason.

* LG Mike McGlynn: D.  A waste of free agent dollars off the field; a waste of 300 plus pound of human flesh on it.  Mr. McGlynn is an unrestricted free agent; I suggest the Chiefs move on.

* C Rodney Hudson: A.  One of the two critical free agents for the Chiefs to resign.  Also, for all the crap former GM Scott Pioli (deservedly) has to endure because of his failed tenure here, that 2011 draft looks awfully sweet in hindsight – Rodney Hudson at 55, Justin Houston at 70, and Allen Bailey at 86.  And even if you want to point out Jon Baldwin was a debacle at 26?  The Chiefs traded back from 21 to 26 … and picked up Justin Houston as a courtesy for their consideration.  Scott Pioli had his issues, but I’m not knocking his drafting acumen.  Not for a second.

* RG Zach Fulton: B-.  Had a few brutal holding calls this year, but this rookie played pretty damned solidly for most of the season.  More than held his own replacing Geoff Schwartz.

* RT Ryan Harris: B.  Possibly the third most important free agent to resign, given Donald Stephenson’s issues this past year.  Mr. Harris had a solid season, and definitely improved as the season went along.  I hope he returns, via a team-friendly contract, in 2015 and beyond.

* G Laurent Duvernay-Tarnif: Inc.  I don’t recall a moment of action with this guy.  Also, I’m not a fan of hyphenated last names.  Pick one or the other, for God’s sake.

* C Eric Kush: B.  Didn’t see a lot of action, because Rodney Hudson is that solid.

* G Jeff Linkenbach: C.  I wasn’t aware he was still on the roster.  I think that’s a good thing.

* T Donald Stephenson: F.  The season started with a four game suspension, and it ended with him benched for a journeyman tackle on his fourth squad in five years.  I don’t care how you polish that turd, it’s still gonna be dark brown and stink.

* WR Dwayne Bowe: B.  Yes, a solid B, and no, Professor Stevo doesn’t grade on the curve.  I know many of you would rate him at least two letter grades lower, but let’s be honest here – if Dwayne Bowe isn’t on the field this season?  How much WORSE would things have been in the passing game?  And it’s not like we’re talking about a productive unit here; they managed to cross the goalline zero times this year.

I would do everything I could to restructure Mr. Bowe’s deal, and keep him around.  Especially in light of what I think the Chiefs have found, at the other receiving slot.

* WR Albert Wilson: B+.  Circle me extremely intrigued by this rookie, who had a phenomenal closing half of the season.  Circle me extremely intrigued.

* WR Donnie Avery: F.  If there was a grade worse than a F, he’d earn it.  If there was a way someone could Gillooly him for his numerous indefensible drops this year, I’d pay for it.  (Note: that was sarcasm; Stevo’s Site Numero Dos does not condone bashing someone in the midsection – repeatedly – with a tire iron.  A bowling ball, possibly … but definitely not a tire iron.)

* WR Jason Avant: B+.  I’d be cool with resigning this guy, and seeing what you’ve got as a slot receiver.  Had a great catch in Arizona, and in the finale against San Diego, playing with a limited knowledge of the playbook.  This could wind up being Eddie Kennison 2.0 … and I’d be cool with that.

(In case you forgot, Eddie Kennison was a throw-away signing to fill out the roster late in 2001, after denver released him.  I’d say that one worked out fairly well for the Red and Gold.)

* WR Junior Hemingway: C.  His 49ers game was indefensible.  His response to us fans indefensible, uuh, response to that performance, saved him reputation with me.  All of us will fail – epically and spectacularly – at some point in our lives.  It’s how you react to that failure, that defines you.  Hope this kid sticks around for at least one more preseason; he’s earned one more shot in my book.

* WR Frankie Hammond Jr: C.  A restricted free agent that should be priority 1,032,485,687 of the offseason, in my opinion, for the Chiefs.

* WR AJ Jenkins: F.  (nsync voice) Ain’t no lie – bye bye bye (bye bye!)!!

* RB Jamaal Charles: A.  Just like Mr. Pioli’s final two drafts have left the Chiefs in far better than expected status, Mr. Peterson’s last couple drafts continue to pay dividends.  (Or, to be more accurate and specific, Bill Kuharick’s four drafts with this franchise.)  Another third round pick acquired via a draft day trade, that is arguably the cornerstone, of half of the franchise.  (The other being Justin Houston -- Jamaal Charles was the throw-away third rounder to make the points work, in the Jared Allen trade.)

There’s really nothing left to be said at this point, other than this is the best running back in franchise history in every category, save for greatness as a human being.  And that’s not a knock on Jamaal Charles – that’s the highest praise possible for the finest man and person, to ever wear the Red and Gold.

* RB Knile Davis: B+.  You know who else in this League struggled to hold onto the football his first few years in it?  Jamaal Charles.  You know who else learned how to truly maintain a grip on the ball by being shoved into kick return duties?  Jamaal Charles. 

Mr. Davis had a solid follow-up season to last year, especially considering last year ended with a ligament blown out on the turf at Indy in the wildcard game.  Circle me giddy with excitement, Bert, over what the future holds for this kid.

* RB Joe McKnight: C.  Had a sweet touchdown catch in Miami to save the season, and the game … and that’s it, before getting hurt. 

* RB Cyrus Gray: Inc.  Probably has played his last down as a Chief.  As someone who was there in Indy last January, he won’t be missed.

* RB/WR/KR De’Anthony Thomas: B+.  Admit it – he has a Dante Hall type feel to him, doesn’t he?  Even right down to calling the quick hitch to DAT on a one step drop, that he then turns upfield for at least eight or nine every time.

* FB Anthony Sherman: A+.  The Chiefs have a proud tradition of rock star fullbacks, none greater in my lifetime than Tony Richardson.  Mr. Sherman reminds me a lot – and I mean a lot – of Mr. Richardson.  And that is a good thing.

* TE Anthony Fasano: A.  Rock solid blocker, and delivered a play I should have noted in the previous post, catching a batted pass for a touchdown while lying on his ass in the end zone against (I think) the Rams.  It was St. Louis or the Jets.  You can do a lot worse for a sixth blocker, than Anthony “Sal” Fasano.

* TE Travis Kelce: D.  (cue hurling rotten tomatoes and/or other foul-smelling vegetables at me).  His “fumble” was the defining moment of the season.  Ten years from now, when we look back on 2014 and why the Chiefs failed to make the playoffs, that play will top everyone’s list.

Did he have some great catches?  Of course.  Did he have some lucky plays?  Absolutely – the only thing saving him from a flat-out F, is recovering D Bowe’s fumble yesterday.

Because the bottom line, is his “fumble” cost us the playoffs. 

It’s gonna take at least six weeks of counseling with Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Man of the Cloth, the Reverend Al K. Hall, before I even contemplate, revisiting this grade.

* TE Demetrius Harris: Inc.  I had no idea he was on the roster.  (He’s on injured reserve, per kcchiefs.com.)

* TE Richard Gordon: Inc.  Again – no idea who this tito is, although I’m guessing he’s a special teamer.

* QB Tyler Bray: Inc.  Hit injured reserve before the season started.  Will probably never take a meaningful snap as a Chief.  I’m not upset about that.

* QB Aaron Murray: Inc.  Sunday, September 11, 2016.  If he’s starting for the Chiefs on that day, he’s who I think he is.  If he’s not, then he’s a bust, and I whiffed spectacularly, in loving the pick of him in April.

* QB Chase Daniel: A+.  Did exactly what I want a backup QB to do: win a game when he’s pressed into duty, that doesn’t call into question the starter’s standing as the, uuh, starter.  Delivered a rock solid Week 17 start for the second straight year, which ensured the most pathetic stat in NFL history will remain intact for at least another eight months … and no, it’s not “no Chiefs WR has caught a touchdown pass since Week 14 2013”.  It’s “no Chiefs drafted QB has won a start for the Red and Gold since September 13, 1987.  Yes, Todd Blackledge, in the opening game of the Frank Gansz Error, is the last quarterback the Chiefs have drafted, who won a game for them. 

A pathetic stat, that if the 2015 Chiefs are to have the season we all hope for, has to hit its 29^th anniversary, to open the 2016 season.

* QB Alex Smith: (deep sigh of frustration …)

Alex Smith is 19-11 as a starter in KC (19-12 counting playoffs).  That is perfectly acceptable football – win 2 out of every 3 games you take the field.

And yet, Steve Bono went 21-8 as a starter in 1995-1996 for the Chiefs, if you want a reference point, for why it’s also not perfectly acceptable football, in my book.

(Fine, fine, fine -- that is an abject lie.  21-8 is not only perfectly acceptable football in my book, I'm still irate nearly 20 years later, Mr. Bono was benched ... at 21-7 as a starter.  Those of you who think Alex Smith sucks?  What would you prefer -- a former 49ers quarterback who won MORE, that you ran out of town?  (End rant in four ... three ... two ...))

Here was Mr. Smith’s season:

Wins: at Miami (8-8), vs Patriots (12-4), at Chargers (9-7), vs Rams (7-9), vs Jets (4-12), at Bills (9-7), vs Seahawks (12-4), vs raiders (3-13).

And the losses: vs Titans (2-14), at donkeys (12-4), at 49ers (8-8), at raiders (3-13), vs donkeys (12-4), at Cardinals (11-5), at Steelers (11-5).

Throw out the outliers – the win over New England, the loss to Tennessee – and what do you have?

Frustration.

Alex Smith beat two playoff teams this year – one more than last year.  (His only win against a playoff-bound opponent in 2013 was at Philly in Week 3.)  He beat the Patriots this year, granted.  But he only threw for 200 yards in that game, and his other victory over a playoff bound opponent (Seattle), he attempted 16 passes.  I’d hardly call that “winning” a game, from the quarterback position.

Look at the choke jobs, the blown opportunities.  The fourth and goal at denver.  The failed two minute drill fiascos at San Fran and Arizona.  To say nothing of losing to the raiders.  A no-show at home against denver (although Donnie Avery and inept special teams planning owns that loss more than Mr. Smith).  Zero points produced at Pittsburgh from the quarterback position, in the biggest game of the season.

And yet?  I don’t know what to think. 

On the one hand, Alex Smith beats who he should beat.  Everyone will have an outlier – Tennessee in Week 1 was the outlier this year.  (In case you forgot or didn’t know, the raiders won their last three home games, all against team that finished .500 or better … two of which, the defeat cost the opponent the postseason (Bills, Chiefs).)  Everyone stinks up the joint at least once a year.  Even Joe Montana was shut out at home as a Chief (1994 vs Rams, 0-19).

But on the other hand, he rarely if ever can engineer an upset, or simply hold serve at home against an equitable opponent.  He’s 0-4 against denver.  He’s 1-1 against San Diego.  0-2 against Indy.  0-1 against the Steelers.  All four teams of which routinely are in the playoffs, and he’s 1-8 against them.

That?  Isn’t good.

And yet …

Isn’t he the single most competent thing we’ve had under center, since Trent Green pre-2006?  And can’t you make an argument, that he’s the most competent thing we’ve had under center, since Joe Montana 21 years ago, in that magical 1993 run to the AFC Title Game?

He doesn’t make mistakes that cost the Chiefs the game.  He might not make the plays to win the game, but he doesn’t put you in a position in which winning is an impossibility.  Are we really all that upset by that?

Honestly, I’m not.

Which I guess is why my grade for Alex … is a B+. 

He doesn’t embarrass you on the field.  He’s never going to put you in a position Matt Cassel did so often, of being down 0-14 before you even know what hit you.

Conversely, he’s never going to put you in a position that an Aaron Rodgers (still the greatest mistake of Carl Peterson’s (debatable) Hall of Fame career*), or an Andrew Luck, or a Tom Brady, or satan manning puts you in – he can win the game by himself, irregardless of what’s thrown at him.

He’s every Chiefs quarterback people my age (and I turn 38 in (gulp) 5 days) have ever known.

And that?

Is everything that is wrong, with this franchise.

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(*: don’t laugh at that suggestion.  Carl won two of the three USFL Championships available in his three years heading the Stars.  All but one coach he hired, either as GM of the Philly / Baltimore Stars, or as GM of the Chiefs, made the playoffs (Jim Mora Sr., Marty Schottenheimer, Gunther Cunningham, Dick Vermeil, Herm Edwards), and at least three of those coaches are amongst the 30 best of the last 30 years.  His first draft pick as Chiefs GM was Derrick Thomas (at a time when everyone urged him to draft a different Thomas – Broderick, from Nebraska).  He has headed the Play 60 initiative for the NFL via USA Football for four years now.

And his GM tree is very impressive: former Bears and Packers GM Mark Hatley, former Saints GM (and savior of the Chiefs drafts in the mid 2000s) Bill Kuharick, former Jets GM Terry Bradway, current Falcons GM Tom Dimitroff, current Bucs GM Mark Dominik, current Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland, and current Seahawks GM John Schneider.

The coaching tree?  Even more impressive.  Former Chiefs assistants include Tony Dungy, Bill Cowher, and Mike McCarthy, all of whom have won a Super Bowl in the last ten years.

And did I mention, he (and Marty) are the ONLY reason we still have a team, here in Kansas City?  They literally saved a franchise.  That has to count for something.

Or at least it does in my book.  As damned well it should, in yours.)

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(Possibly) coming tomorrow: the defensive grades, and the coaching grades. 

(Possibly) coming by my 38^th birthday on Saturday, the ten most critical, “do this!” moves the Chiefs should make, in this coming offseason.

And at some point, I might get up the intestinal fortitude, to finish “The Annual Column”.  I guess it’s pointless to lie – without thanking “The Family” to close it down, I’m really struggling for a finish worth reading …

(new) post 799: 2014 chiefs best and worsts ...

“Moon river?

Wider than a mile.

I’m crossing you in style,

Someday.

Oh dream maker!

You heart breaker!

Wherever you’re going?

I’m going your way!

Two drifters,

Off to see the world –

There’s such a lot of world,

To see.

We’re after

The same rainbow edge!

Waiting round the bend!

My huckleberry friend!

Moon river,

And me …”

-- “Moon River” by Audrey Hepburn, from one of the greatest movies of all time, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”.  And yes, that is Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith, in the role he should be best remembered for, but sadly won’t be …

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Well, as usual, if you peruse this site frequently, I’ve just sold you a rotted batch of goods again.

I had intended Post 800 to be “The Annual Column” … only, I’m not done with it, and I honestly don’t feel like finishing it, after Sunday’s Chiefs victory that served no purpose, other than to ensure a more difficult schedule next season for the Red and Gold.  (Had the Chiefs lost, they’d have hosted Miami and visited Jacksonville; now we host Buffalo and visit Houston.)

I should note, I am not at all unhappy, about that development.  Houston is a damned fun roadie; I’ve gone the last two times the Chiefs visited that fine city, and I am looking forward to making the trifecta.

Then, for Post 799, Youtube! goes and removes the video link, so I just decided screw it – I’ll redo Post 799 as the beginning of the Chiefs Year in Review, and then play Post 800 as I see fit.  So if “The Annual Column” winds up at 806, is anyone really going to be upset?  No?  Good, then done, and done.

Part Uno of the 2014 Chiefs in Review appears below, and it is the Best and Worst Moments of the season that was, according to me.

Enjoy?

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* Best Game (Overall): Week 4, vs Patriots (W 41-14).  How could you pick any other game?  The Chiefs took the Patriots to the woodshed for three straight hours, and gave them the business like no team has in the Bill Belichick era.  (Pause).  It also doesn’t hurt that this kicked off the best three week run of sports fun this fine metropolitan area, has ever seen. 

* Best Game (Honorable Mention(s)): Week 17, vs Chargers (W 19-7).  If the Chiefs had come out that prepared, focused, and passionate a week earlier, this post will still be a week away from, uuh, posting.

* Worst Game (Overall): Week 16, at Steelers (L 12-20).  An unacceptable, pathetic effort in a very winnable, must-win game.  Depressing, and unacceptable. 

* Worst Game (Dishonorable Mention(s)): the back-to-back prime time division chokers, Week 12 at the raiders (L 20-24) and Week 13 against the donkeys (L 16-29).  In the span of ten days, the Chiefs went from tied for the West lead, to also-rans.  Also, we’re going to be coming back to that denver game at least two more times, in the “worst” designations.

* Best Game (Offense): Week 17 vs Chargers.  Yes, the Chiefs settled for way too many field goals (Cairo Santos was 4 of 5, and his miss was from 52) … but they consistently moved the ball up and down the field, with a quarterback who didn’t get starter reps even once in practice all week.  Against a pretty damned solid Chargers defense.  That game plan yesterday was sick, in a good way.

* Worst Game (Offense): Week 13 at Cardinals.  I have a feeling that 200 years from now, coaches will still be using the “two minute drill” from this game, to show their players how NOT, to conduct a two minute drill.

* Best Play (Offense): the fourth and one pitch to Jamaal Charles, who took it 39 yards for the touchdown, at Bills Week 10.  It wasn’t the deciding points (that would be Alex Smith’s offtackle run on the next offensive possession), but this was the play that turned the game around.  Trailing 13-3 with barely 13 to play, facing a 4^th and 1 at the Bills 39 – too long to try the field goal, too short to justify the punt, down too many points to justify either kicking option.  This play call was brilliance … and Mr. Charles run was drool-inducing sweet to watch.

* Best Play (Honorable Mention(s)): the long bomb conversion to Jason Avant, Week 13 at Cardinals.  It set the Chiefs up to break the game wide, wide open, which they would have, were it not for two plays that are going to be mentioned in a few more paragraphs.

* Best Play (Defense): Husain Abdullah’s TaINT, vs Patriots Week 4.  The single loudest moment Arrowhead got this past season.  And yes, I’m fully aware of the 142.2 bullsh*t designation.  This moment was louder. 

And wasn’t even 2/1000ths of 1 / 100^th of 1 percent as loud, as it would get in that sports complex, about 25 hours later.

* Best Play (Honorable Mention(s): the goalline stand against the Chargers, Week 17.  San Diego gets it to the Chiefs three yard line, and on second down, it appears that they have converted the touchdown pass, to pull to within 6 at 19-13, with the kick pending.  In Section 132, this hot-as-hell-itself almost 38 year old decides the change of possession is the perfect time to finally deal with the three beers I had consumed to that point in the game.

I reach the men’s room (which is three sections away, no matter which way I head from that seat), and Len Dawson is adamant on the FOX broadcast that the ball hit the ground.  Sure as sh*t, Pete Morelli overrules the play, and the next two downs, were just gorgeous.  Phyllis had nowhere to throw, and more to the point, he had no time to throw – between the insane crowd noise and his line’s utter inability to stop our front seven yesterday, he was a sitting target most of the afternoon.

* Worst Play (Offense): Travis Kelce’s fumble, at Cardinals Week 13.  Setting aside the fact that if that play is a fumble, then I’m not going to need a new liver in a few years ... that play just crippled us.  If Kelce isn’t a f*cking idiot and doesn’t put the Chiefs in that position (aka “don’t showboat, jackass”), they are highly likely to have won that game at Arizona, and they’d be in the playoffs.

Sadly, this isn’t even the play that truly cost us that game.  It’s still to come.  But this one stunk.  And hurt.  Or as Bart Simpson would note, “I didn’t think this was possible, but that both blows and sucks!”

* Worst Play (Honorable Mention(s)): 4^th and goal, at donkeys Week 2.  The Chiefs trail 17-24 with a little under four minutes to play.  They have 4^th and goal at the denver 4.  And Alex Smith throws one of the ugliest, most indefensible passes you’ll ever see, into double coverage on Travis Kelce.

* Worst Play (Defense): the offsides jump, at 49ers Week 5.  I’ll get more into this in another section of the post, but this is a very, very strange season to look back on.  Usually when you miss the playoffs by a game or on tiebreakers (as the Chiefs did this year), you can only point back to one, maybe two moments, that defined why that occurred. 

This Chiefs season?  I can think of seven plays right off the top of my head, that had ANY of them gone differently, the Chiefs are traveling to Pittsburgh to play the Steelers on Saturday night, instead of the Ravens.  This is just one of them that stands out – the Chiefs had forced the 49ers into a punt, trailing by two, with five and change to play … only they’d crossed the line early on that 3^rd down play, giving the 49ers a first down, which they then used to bleed precious time off the clock, before kicking a field goal to seal the Chiefs fate.

* Best Play (Special Teams): Cairo Santos’ 48 yard game winner with 0:21 remaining, at Chargers Week 7.  It’s strange to contemplate ten weeks later, but nobody thought Cairo Santos had the mental make-up, to make this kick, at that time.  Now, we’re stunned when he misses.  But ten weeks ago, we were delirious with shock, when he hit one.

* Worst Play (Special Teams): the fake punt, vs broncos Week 13.  As my buddy Pickell would say, “put it this way”: I was 12 hours of drinking in, it was barely 6 degrees outside (with a windchill 20 degrees south of that), early in the first quarter of a game that for all intents and purposes would decide the division … and even I called the fake punt as denver lined up to attempt it.  Even I saw it coming.  If my drunk ass, that hasn’t watched the game film and has no need to prepare for this moment, if I am that prescient, what’s Dave Toub’s excuse?

* Best Call (Officiating): ruling Dwayne Bowe fumbled two inches short of the goalline, Week 17 vs Chargers.  If you’re going to suck, epically suck.  Ruling that Bowe fumbled at the goalline, resulting in a touchdown via fumble recovery by Travis Kelce, ensured the Chiefs WR’s would not catch a touchdown pass all season long.  Long after the nuts and bolts of 2014 are forgotten, that record will still stand the test of time – literally, as it had never happened before, in the National Football League, since the merger.

* Worst Call (Officiating): Jesus, picking one from four that screwed the proverbial pooch is impossible, so I’m going to channel this site’s official resident asshat, our Ol’ Buddy, Ol’ Pal, Ol’ Descomisado, “Screw You” Pete King, and split my vote four ways.

Because all four calls were that indefensible, and crushing.

1. The Kelce fumble, at Cardinals Week 13.  Mentioned above already.  Sadly, I’d argue that wasn’t as crushing as a call on the previous drive …

2. The Anthony Fasano Offensive Pass Interference call, at Cardinals Week 13.  It’s been six weeks, and I still don’t see it.  It cost the Chiefs six critical points, gave the Cardinals new life (which they promptly took advantage of), and of every play of the seven or eight or nine of them that we can point to and say “there, that’s the one that did us in!”, THIS is the one that will drive me bat sh*t crazy until I am, uuh, officially declared bat sh*t crazy, and sent off to Two Rivers or Charter to “please, get help somewhere!”

This call was so atrocious, even Mike Carey objected to it.  When Mike Carey thinks you f*cked up, you royally f*cked up.

3. The Jamaal Charles fumble, at Steelers Week 16.  Another “what the hell?” call from the officials that screwed the Chiefs.  If that was a fumble – he had possession of the ball, a knee on the ground, and a Steelers player touching him – if that was a fumble, then I went to bed sober last night, and the night before, and – hell, pick any night over the last 20 some odd years.  All of them, I went to bed sober, if that was a fumble.

4. The Ben Incomplete Pass, at Steelers Week 16.  This one is more on “Fat” Andy, for not challenging the call, but it was a clear fumble on the Steelers second possession, that would have set the Chiefs up inside the red zone, with a chance to do some damage early, in a game that they absolutely had to win.

You rank which of those four indefensible officiating blunders screwed us the most.  (I’d rank them 2 / 3 / 1 / 4 … but I’m not locked into that order.)

* Best Tailgate (Overall): vs Patriots, Week 4.  A perfect late September day (85 and not a cloud in the sky).  A great afternoon spent with some great friends, having some great times at the beer pong table, and other assorted moments.  Did I mention 85 and not a cloud in the sky?  On September 29^th?  Circle me happy Bert!

* Best Tailgate (Moment): vs Chargers, Week 17, when “My Special Little Guy” came strolling in like he owned the place, and then, after consuming a breakfast burrito, realized there were a few tailgating buses around him, and looked at me and said “Teve?  Is this yours?!?!?!?!”  Well, it’s not mine … but it’s close enough.

Seeing the A Man hop up on the Bus, his eyes as wide as anything you’ve ever seen, filled with excitement and happiness, the sheer joy of a six year old, at his first Chiefs game that counts, getting to take all of it in?  Was freaking awesome.

* Worst Tailgate (Overall): vs Seahawks, Week 11.  Where do I begin on this one.  It was literally 5 degrees when we arrived.  That’s not the windchill, that’s the actual temperature – five.  Mona missed it with the flu, and we were freaking clueless how to react.  It took an hour to get the tent up, although we at least managed to create a warm corridor by the time we were done.

* Worst Tailgate (Moment): Stevo forgets the Quad Noose, vs donkeys Week 13.  I will forever blame myself for that defeat.  I left the damned noose at home.  What.  Was.  I.  Thinking?  (Or, more accurately, what was I drinking?)

And finally …

* Worst Moment of the Season, and Nothing Else is Even in Contention for This “Honor”: Eric Berry is diagnosed with cancer.  #bebold  #bebrave  #beberry  Which also leads us to …

* Best Moment(s) of the Season, and Nothing Else is Even in Contention for This Honor: the way every opponent responded to the news.  I would like to think, that even I could manage some class, decorum, and sympathy, if a denver bronco or oakland raider ever found themselves in Mr. Berry’s position.  (And for those you who doubt that I am capable of that?  Who do I NOT mock, that sadly and tragically is dying of dementia, who just happens to own a team I hate worse than ISIS?)

The pure class so many players and organizations showed when Mr. Berry was diagnosed, was really cool to see.  If only to reaffirm that even after (almost completing) 37 full years on this planet, I still have so, so much to learn, about what life is really all about.

And with that, the Best and the Worsts are done.

Up next?  The Dream Schedule … then Professor Stevo’s Grades.

And if I’m feeling frisky, the Ten Things Stevo Would Do This Offseason, If His Name was John Dorsey, “Fat” Andy Reid, or Clark Hunt.

And in a tease, one of those ten, is to allow Season Ticket Members to purchase the Early-In Pass, like a regular parking pass, rather than require us to cash in our points, to spend even more time in the presence of the greatness, that is the Chiefs Kingdom …

chiefs! steelers! the first five things I want to say ...

"Damn!  I used to love this view!
Sit here and drink a few.
Main Street and the high school,
Lit up on Friday night.

Down there?  It's another touchdown.
Man, this year's team is stout.
I can hear them going crazy,
And up here?  So am I.

Thinkin' about you sitting there
Saying I hate this, hate it?
If you couldn't stand living here,
Why'd you take it, take it?

Give me back
My hometown!
Cause this is my?
Hometown! ..."

-- "Give Me Back My Hometown" by Eric Church.

------------------

Well, at least we know the scenario, in which this fatally flawed squad can still backdoor its way into another soul-crushing defeat on my birthday.

* The Jaguars must win at the Texans.

* The Browns must win at the Ravens.

* The Chiefs must beat the Chargers.

At this point, do you feel confident even ONE of those outcomes, can occur?

Dios Con Mio!  I have RARELY been as pissed after a game, as I am after this one.  Of the six checkpoints I mentioned for why I thought the Chiefs would win?  Four were proven wrong, one the jury is out on, and the sixth I will defend, even though a vast majority of Chiefs fans would strongly disagree with me.

So allow me to state a few things about this defeat, before possibly going more in depth tomorrow.

1. Anyone who blames Alex Smith for that loss, needs a mental health evaluation.

Alex Smith didn’t drop a gimme touchdown pass.  Dwayne Bowe did.

Alex Smith didn’t fumble the ball.  (Pause).  And Jamaal Charles didn’t either, for what it’s worth.  But still, Alex Smith didn’t fumble the football; Jamaal Charles did.

Alex Smith didn’t miss every seal block on a critical 4^th and 1 (that was (allard baird voice) without question – without question! – THE single most f*cking retarded decision in “Fat” Andy’s Kansas City career – Alex Smith didn’t miss every seal block on that play, and Alex Smith didn’t fail to gain the first down by falling forward eight inches.  Hell, and good f*cking God have I argued this for years – if you’re gonna go for it on 4^th and the length of a phallic symbol, why the f*ck don’t you just quick snap to the QB, and have him fall forward over the center?

Alex Smith didn’t make about fifteen questionable play calls.  Alex Smith didn’t fail to pick up the blitz on about fifteen different occasions.  True stat – true stat!  And if you don’t believe me, rewind the game to about midway through the 3^rd Quarter. 

At that point (Chiefs trailing 10-6, this was the drive with Charles’ “fumble”), as the CBS stat noted:

Chiefs Passing Plays: 24.

Smith Sacked: 4.

Smith Knocked Down: 6.

Smith Hit: 9.

19 of 24 passing plays, Alex Smith had his ass hit the ground, or a fat ass hit his body.  NINETEEN OF TWENTY FOUR!  And there were still TWENTY minutes to play!!!  I even shouted that when I saw it, at the place I watched the game – “how the f*ck can anyone blame Alex Smith for this?  It’s a miracle he’s not in a coffin right now!”

Anyone who questions whether or not this team can win with Alex Smith under center, needs professional help that only Two Rivers or Charter can provide.  Alex Smith is NOT the problem.  We can disagree on whether or not he’s a solution, but he sure as sh*t is not the problem.

2. Every offensive lineman should be fined a week’s pay, for their “on the job performance” today.

Allow me to quote the (not quite late), (but still) great Jim Mora Sr.

“That was a DISGRACEFUL performance, in my opinion.  A DISGRACEFUL performance!  We threw the game!  We gave them the friggin game!  Holy crap!  I don’t know who the hell we think we’re gonna beat, when we play like that!”

Your quarterback is getting drilled 8 out of 10 attempts.

Your running back can’t gain a male member, to keep a drive alive.

Every critical moment, the protection broke down, the blocking wasn’t there.

Don’t focus on the fact the Chiefs had to settle for four field goals (and the failed fourth down and a penis from the 11).  Thank God Alex Smith, Jamaal Charles, Albert Wilson, Dwayne Bowe, and Travis Kelce were able to overcome five “men” who so epically failed at their jobs, even Leif Gaverth* is embarrassed for them.

John Dorsey?  Bend over, because Arrowhead Nation deserves to demand you be given the business.  You let three competent, quality offensive linemen walk this offseason … and replaced them with nothing?  Sam Mellinger?  Pull your head out of Eric Fisher’s ass.  Nobody gives a damn if he and John Alt are friends; we give a damn if he can play even 2.49% as competently, as John Alt did.  Sammy?  He can’t. 

My God, this unit is horrific.  If our training unit doesn’t receive the Team MVP award this offseason, the award should be retired.  The fact that every key offensive player is still upright and ambulatory, is a modern scientific miracle, because this offensive line is so God awful, it’s a miracle nobody has been killed.  This offensive line is as reliable as me behind the wheel, after a six hour binge session at a blackjack table at Ameristar.  And here’s a hint: “reliable” is NOT the word you would use, to describe my driving skills at that point.

(*: you ex-TA people will get that reference.  If you don’t get it?  Get on your hands and knees, and thank God you never had to know, the man who goes by the name of Leif Gaverth.  (Pause).  Yeah, true story time!  Leif was my former boss.  I won’t destroy the man on this site; he doesn’t have the ability to respond.  Let’s just say, one of – if not the – happiest days of my professional existence, was when he was fired with cause, and I (and my former co-worker) to this day, work vigilantly to ensure that man will never find employment in the insurance industry in Kansas City ever again.

I ran into Leif about eight years ago, while Chrismukkah shopping at the old Gordman’s on 87^th and Blue Ridge.  (It’s now closed.)  I refused to acknowledge him.  He kept following me.  Finally I turned around, and looked at him.  He said “Steve, there’s a lot I could say.  Just know that I’m truly sorry.”  He then extended his hand, to shake mine. 

I looked at him, as humbled as life forced him to become**, and simply said “go f*ck yourself”, then turned and walked away.  I – thankfully – have never seen him since.

Other than calling Ed Hearn “that son of a b*tch we traded David Cone for” to his face, that phrase?  That might be my finest moment, in telling people exactly what I think of them, to their faces.  (Pause).  Gee, no wonder The Champ refuses to talk our disagreements out!)

(**: and yes, life did humble him.  I feel no sympathy whatsoever.)

3. Three simple words: TAKE.  THE.  POINTS.

I literally stood speechless, as “Fat” Andy kept the offense out there, down 10-6, on 4^th and a ding a ling, and decided to go for it, with 0:27 left in the half, rather than take the gimme 3, and go to the half down 10-9, with the ball.

I get why “Fat” Andy went for it.  If only because of something I’ve been saying, dating back (good God, this long ago?!?!?!) twenty years, to when Barry Switzer had the Cowboys go for it on 4^th and a schlong at Philly, in a critical December game in 1995: “if you can’t fall forward for six inches, you don’t deserve to win”.

But this wasn’t a critical moment in a critical game, like Barry Switzer gambling the NFC East and homefield advantage with less than 3 to play, was twenty years ago.  This game still had thirty plus minutes to play.  The Chiefs were getting the ball at the half. 

TAKE!  THE!  POINTS!

And for those of you out there who feel like playing Waldorf and Statler, who’d argue “well, the Steelers had three timeouts and would have had twenty seconds after the return, they still could have answered”, I’d simply state they had three timeouts and twenty four seconds after the failed rushing attempt … and knelt on it.

We gave Pittsburgh all the momentum with that one idiotic, (I’d argue) indefensible decision.

If you think “Fat” Andy was right?  Fire away in the comments, or fire away at me on Twitter or the email.  Unlike Mike Gundy, I’m not 40.  But like Mike Gundy, I am a man.  I can take it.

4. Three more words:  Cut.  Dwayne.  Bowe.

His touchdown drop was indefensible.  Even I could have made that catch, and I used to refer to Samie Parker on this site as Samie “Hands of Stevo” Parker, because my ability to catch a football is so non-existent.  Even I could have made that catch.

Dwayne Bowe – yet again – didn’t.

Yes, he made a few nice catches today.  And yes, I’ll grant him somewhat of a pass, given that he’s been battling the flu all week, and as someone who spent a solid 36 hours this past week puking up everything I’d eaten or drank over the previous week, I can sympathize with him.

But I’m not paid almost $1,000,000.00 a game, to show up for work.  I’m not paid almost $1,000,000.00 a game, to give my best each and every day.  Dwayne Bowe is.

If what we have seen today – if not this season, if not his entire career – is the best Dwayne Bowe has to offer?

Then it’s time to move on.

And finally …

5. If the Chiefs miss the playoffs, they have noone to blame, but themselves.

This isn’t the Steelers getting screwed last year, because the Chiefs sat every meaningful player in the finale at San Diego.  (And still almost won.)  All this team had to do, was beat the Titans Week One, or the raiders Week Twelve, and they’d control their own destiny on Sunday, despite what happened today. 

And let’s also admit the obvious: whatever you may think of the spot the Chiefs found themselves in today?  The Chargers were in WORSE shape last night – down 21, on the road … and won, in a game the 49ers dominated for about 57 of the 60 minutes of regulation that was played.

I will always hold out hope, until there is no longer a reason to.  In 2006?  We needed eight scenarios in the final nine days to go our way.  This time, we only needed five ... and got two of them today, via Houston and oakland's wins.

But I cannot help but close by noting the obvious:

This was one of the most disgraceful, indefensible, absolutely pathetic Chiefs efforts, we have ever had the misfortune to witness.  This was unconscionable.  In the biggest game of the year, you can't find the end zone.

If Doug Peterson is still employed (jimmy buffett voice) come (next) Monday?

The media in this fine metropolitan area better grab ahold of "Fat" Andy's balls, and hold them to the proverbial fire.

Because heads should ROLL over this embarrassment of a game, today.

(Also, this entire post took me 13 minutes to type, start to finish.  That's how f*cking p*ssed I am right now ...)

chiefs! steelers! this one is hu-yuge ...

"Yeah girl, been digging on you;
Sippin' on drink number two!
Trying to come up with something smooth;
And waiting on the right time, to make my move.

But I just can't wait no more!
Can't let you slip out that door!
Prettiest thing I ever seen before --
Got me spinning around; I ain't even on the dance floor!

You're shaking that money maker,
Like a heart breaker!
Like your college major,
Was twisting and tearing up Friday nights!

Love the way you're wearing those jeans so tight!
I bet your kiss is a soul saver,
My favorite flavor --
Want it now and later!

I never seen something that I wanted so bad!
Girl, I got to get me,
I gotta get me some of that!
Yeah, gotta get me some of that! ..."

-- "Get Me Some of That" by Thomas Rhett.

--------------------

(pastor stevo) (shuffling the sermon notes)

(the congregation) (anxiously awaiting his words)

Peoples and peepettes,

Since it is Chrismukkah, and there are (shockingly) far more important things than a do-or-die football game for the Red and Gold, let's just jump to the conclusion, then figure out how we got there, shall we?

The Kansas City Chiefs are going to win on Sunday.  They are going to go into Fake Three Rivers, and they are going to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers, which will possibly set up one helluva finish next Sunday night, with the six seed in the AFC on the line, for the winner.

Why do I feel so strongly about this?

For six reasons.

(1) Because the last two weeks, if you’ve been paying attention, the Chiefs have given you a hint of what’s coming.

They’re going to take their cracks, at the Steelers secondary, which figures to be down a man, as all-around ass clown Troy Palomalu is doubtful to play.

Right before the half at Arizona – the safe play on 3^rd and 19 is to hand the ball off and take the three points.  Alex Smith threw it 15 yards downfield, and Dwayne Bowe got the first on a lovely 23 yard gain.

That 3^rd and 1 bomb in Arizona – Alex Smith had a wide, wide open Sal Fasano right in front of him for the first down.  Alex chose to air it out for Jason Avant instead for a 40 yard gain.

Last week, on 2^nd and 19, again Alex Smith had an open receiver that could gain decent yardage short (in this case, Jamaal Charles), and again Alex Smith chose to air it out, hitting Dwayne Bowe 17 yards downfield for a 30 yard gain.

And again, last week, the touchdown to Travis Kelce.  The safe throw was there.  Alex Smith flung it to the end zone.

The last two weeks, the Chiefs not only have thrown more than they’ve run the ball (48/13 at Arizona; 31/26 vs oakland), but they’ve taken at least two long-bomb shots each week, even when the safe play, the checkdown to get decent yardage or a new set of downs, was wide open.

I do not believe this is a coincidence.

Then again, I’m the one guy you’ll meet, who believes there is no such thing, as coincidence.

(2) Because the Chiefs, when facing decent rushing defenses this season?  Have done well against them.

The Chiefs have faced the 2^nd ranked rushing defense (denver) twice; the 4^th ranked rushing defense (New York Jets); the 5^th ranked rushing defense (Seattle); the 6^th ranked rushing defense (Arizona); the 8^th ranked rushing defense (49ers); the 9^th ranked rushing defense (Buffalo); the 10^th ranked rushing defense (New England); the 12^th ranked rushing defense (St. Louis); and the 13^th ranked rushing defense (San Diego). 

In 10 of their 14 games so far this season, the Chiefs have faced a top 13 rushing defense.

And with the exception of the denver Sunday nighter (which, in the Chiefs defense, they were down 14-0 right off the bat, thanks to the brilliant fake punt by britton colquitt), they’ve been able to move the ball when running it.

* Without Jamaal Charles, the Chiefs still managed 121 yards on the ground at denver (Week Two).

* They put up over 200 yards rushing on the Patriots (Week Four).

* They put up over 100 yards rushing on the 49ers (Week Five).

* They put up over 130 yards rushing on the “Super” Chargers (Week Seven).

* They put up over 120 yards rushing on the Rams (Week Eight).

* They topped 100 yards rushing on the Jets (Week Nine).

* They put up over 120 yards rushing on the Bills (Week Ten), including the play that, if they reach the playoffs, will be the key moment of the season (the 4^th and 1 pitch to Jamaal Charles, who took it 37 yards for the touchdown).

* They threatened 200 yards rushing against the Seahawks (Week Eleven).

* And even the Cardinals game, when they ran the ball 13 times, they topped 120 yards.

Only that Sunday nighter went poorly on the ground.

Ten top 13 rushing defenses.  Nine 100 plus yard games.  Nine games in which either the Chiefs won, or loss by less than a possession.

The Steelers rushing defense?

Ranks 11^th.

(colonel john "hannibal" smith voice) Interesting, isn’t it?

(3) Because Alex Smith is good enough to win this game.

Look it, I’ve b*tched about Alex Smith’s record in huge games for the Chiefs.  He went 1-4 in the regular season last year against teams with a winning record at season’s end (he won at Philly; lost to denver twice, lost to San Diego once, lost to Indy once).  He went 0-1 in the playoffs (losing at Indy).

But let’s be honest here.  The loss at denver wasn’t unexpected, and losing by ten in that madhouse – in prime time to boot – is nothing to sneer at.  The loss to San Diego here wasn’t his fault; Phyllis Rivers put on a spectacular two-minute drill to win the game inside of twenty seconds to play in a 41-38 shootout.  The loss here to denver?  Chiefs had the ball, 4^th and 5 at the denver 9, with a minute to go.  And Bowe dropped the first down pass.  That isn’t Alex’s fault.  The loss to Indy here was a debacle, (allard baird voice) no question – but the loss at Indy two weeks later?

Only someone with an IQ hovering around the outdoor temperature in Kansas City right now (which is 27), would blame Alex Smith for that defeat.  He put up 44 points, on the road, in the loony bin that is Lucas Oil Stadium, despite losing his best weapon on the first offensive series. 

So this season?  Against teams likely to finish with a winning record?

* respectable in defeat at denver.  I hate that yet again, the Chiefs had the ball inside the denver 10 with a chance to tie late, and failed to do so, but again, Alex Smith threw a catchable ball, and Travis Kelce dropped it.

* with the season on the line in Miami, the Chiefs blew out the Dolphins.  Smith had two touchdown throws.

* the Chiefs obliterated the Patriots in prime time by 30.

* a very respectable return to San Francisco, as a defensive penalty cost the Chiefs that game.

* engineered a season-saving upset in San Diego with a great two-minute drive.

* scored the winning touchdown in Buffalo … and perfectly pulled off the pitch to Jamaal Charles, a play that is damned difficult to do.

* perfectly managed the game here against Seattle, and converted a huge 3^rd down to Travis Kelce to allow the clock to run out on Seattle.

* the loss to denver here was not Alex Smith’s fault.  Despite how awful the Chiefs played?  Smith completed the pass to Donnie Avery that should have set the Chiefs up at the donkeys 30 with six to play, only down 13.  It isn’t Alex Smith’s fault that Donnie Avery couldn’t hold onto the ball even if all the Stick-Em in the world were applied to his gloves.

* the two minute drill in Arizona was an abortion … but if Travis Kelce doesn’t fumble the first down reception, the two minute abortion never has to occur.  (To say nothing of the fact that if the single worst offensive pass interference call in league history is never called on Sal Fasano, Kelce’s fumble never matters.)

The Chiefs have already faced 9 teams likely to finish at 9-7 or better … and have two more on tap.  Alex Smith is 5-4 in those games, and you cannot point to a single mistake he’s made, to cost us the game in those four defeats.

I’ll take my chances on Sunday with Alex Smith.

Besides, if Matt Cassel (2012, L 13-16 OT) and Tyler Palko (2011, L 9-13) can take the Steelers to the wire, why the hell are we concerned about Alex Smith being able to not just keep it close, but win this baby outright?

(4) Because Coach Hobo is on the other sideline.  Or the other press box.  Whichever applies.

I’m not an athlete.  I’m not even a competent bowler, for crying out loud.  But speaking from a little experience when it comes to that bowling league, the two times my new team faced Dustin, I couldn’t throw straight to save my ass.  I was so f*cking determined to whip his ass eight ways from Sunday, I lost focus.  I only cared about how exacting a level of revenge would feel.

Those two matchups were DAMNED personal to me.  And it showed.  Via two sh*ttacular performances out of me, even by my sh*ttacular standards.

(Thank God I have a teammate named Steve, who was so dialed in both times, we took 6 of 8 against that “boys team”.)

Coach Hobo is, in some ways, like me.  He’s not a fan of shaving.  He’s not a fan of dressing up.  And he tends to overreact … especially when payback is involved.

This game is personal for him.

He’ll lose focus.  He’ll be the coach this week, with the “what the hell?  48/13 pass to run ratio, really?” gameplan that leaves everyone questioning his sanity.  

He’ll try at least one or two plays designed to show-up his former employer.

And I’m willing to wager that one of those “eff you” attempted moments, is what is going to be the Steelers undoing.

(5) Because “Fat” Andy Reid is on our sideline. 

Say what you want about “Fat” Andy’s clock management issues … at least we know the Chiefs won’t panic, won’t be unprepared for what the Steelers throw at them, and we also know we’re going to see a competent, solid gameplan on both sides of the ball.

Three things not applicable, the last three times the Chiefs have faced the Steelers.

More to the point, this is the stretch of football that endeared “Fat” Andy to Eagles fans.  They always played their best, when it mattered the most … at least in the regular season.

Don’t believe me?

* 1999: they won their last two, beating a decent Patriots team, and upsetting the eventual Super Bowl champion Rams.

* 2000: won 3 of their last 4, to reach the playoffs, and pounded Tampa once they got there.

* 2001: won 3 of their last 4, to reach the playoffs, before losing NFC Title Game.

* 2002: won 3 of their last 4, to reach the playoffs, before losing NFC Title Game.  Only loss was OT defeat to the Giants.

* 2003: won 3 of their last 4, to reach the playoffs, before losing NFC Title Game.  Only loss was OT defeat to the 49ers.

* 2004: went 2-2 down the stretch (rested starters Week 17), before losing Super Bowl.

* 2005: the TO Debacle.  (Closed 1-3).

* 2006: won 5 straight to close the season and steal the NFC East.

* 2007: won last 3 to get back to .500.

* 2008: won 3 of 4 to get into the playoffs, before losing NFC Title Game.

* 2009: won 3 of 4 to get into the playoffs, before losing NFC Wildcard.

* 2010: went 2-2 down the stretch (rested starters Week 17), before losing NFC Wildcard.

* 2011: won last 4 to get back to .500.

* 2012: lost last 3, “Fat” Andy fired.

* 2013: went 2-2 down the stretch (rested starters Week 17), before losing AFC Wildcard.

The ONLY two seasons “Fat” Andy hasn’t managed to go .500 or better in the last quarter of the season, were the TO Debacle of 2005, and after the team quit on him in 2012.

10 of his 15 season as head coach entering this year, he closed 3-1 or better.  13 of his 15 seasons as head coach entering this year, he closed 2-2 or better.

“Fat” Andy’s at his best, when the regular season pressure is most intense.

(6) Because the best player in this game, wears 25 for the Red and Gold.

I think we’re going to see the performance of his career on Sunday.

Jamaal Charles has faced the Steelers twice in his career.  Let’s examine each of those games – one a 27-24 Chiefs win in overtime (2009), the other a 13-16 Chiefs defeat in overtime (2012).

* 2009:

From the opening kickoff, 25 made his presence felt, as he returned the opening kick 97 yards for the touchdown.  Just like that, the Chiefs were up 7-0.

Between that return, and 57 minutes of game action later, Charles only gained 58 yards (on 17 rushing attempts) and 8 yards (on 2 receptions).  It is the second reception that matters, because it was a touchdown catch that tied the game at 24 … and his final touch of the game was a first down, that got the Chiefs out of the shadow of their end zone, and set up the game-clinching bomb to Chris Chambers two plays later, as the Chiefs won 27-24.

You can make a credible argument, Mr. Charles epic career in the Red and Gold, truly began to become epic, on this day, five years ago.

* 2011:

Mr. Charles did not play in the Chiefs 9-13 defeat to the Steelers, as he was out for the season with a (al michaels voice) knee.

* 2012:

Jamaal Charles not only scored the only touchdown of the night for the Chiefs (a 12 yarder midway through the first quarter), he gave the worst Chiefs team of all time the lead with time left on the clock, for the first time in 2012.

For the night, Mr. Charles had 100 yards (on 23 carries) and the touchdown.

My point being, we haven’t seen a breakthrough against these guys yet, by the best player either team is hauling onto the field.

The third time’s the charm.

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There’s also reason number seven: I HATE the Pittsburgh Steelers.

I DESPISE the oakland raiders and denver broncos, but there will be no love lost between me and the Steelers on Sunday.

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Sunday, the fate of the Chiefs season is on the line.  There is a scenario where the Chiefs can get in without a win, but it’s so bat sh*t crazy, that even I think it’s impossible to see occurring.

I noted leaving Arrowhead last week “one down, six to go”.

For those of you who say this is an impossible task?  I simply reply, haven’t we already seen the impossible in this town this fall?

I’m not saying that Royals / A’s Wildcard Game is my favorite sporting event I’ve ever attended.  (That would be the 2006 Indy 500, for those keeping track.)  But it’s damned close.  Because like that epic finish in Indy eight years ago, if that Wildcard game taught me anything?

It’s that dreams do come true.  The impossible sometimes is attainable.

And sometimes?  Good triumphs over evil.

It’s Chrismukkah, for crying out loud.  The whole point of this holiday season is that good WILL triumph over evil someday!  Why can’t the Chiefs win this game?  Why can’t the Chiefs defense once again shut down a solid offensive unit, to the point of utter frustration?  “Bulldog” Bob Sutton’s crew did it to Tom Brady.  They did it to Russell Wilson.  They did it to Phyllis Rivers.  Why can’t they do it to Ben Roethlisberger?

Why can’t Jamaal Charles be the MVP on Sunday?  Who says Le’Veon Bell has to be better?  Especially since he’s not?  Who says the “wide receivers have zero touchdowns” streak has to continue? 

Who do you feel more comfortable betting on, Coach Hobo or “Fat” Andy, when it comes to the offensive gameplan?  I’ll grant you, if you feel more comfortable betting on Dick LeBeau over the Bulldog when it comes to the defensive gameplan, that’s understandable … but you’re going to be proven wrong.

I love the quiet confidence exhibited all week.  The Chiefs are calm, they’re focused.

They’re ready.

I know I haven’t done the picks in a few weeks … but this week’s “Screw You” Pete King Upset O’ The Week?

(stevo sighing in disgust) Take a mother f*cking guess.

* Chiefs (+3) 31, at Steelers 21.  And as an added bonus, I think the "eff you" moment that will burn the Steelers, will be Phillip Gaines returning a pick six, with about five minutes to go, to seal the win.

I believe the Chiefs will do their part, to ensure the regular season finale, is at Arrowhead next Sunday.  Now let's see if the Chargers are up to the challenge ...

chiefs fans week sixteen rooting interests ... other than the obvious ...

“She’s a little complicated.

She’ll make her mind up, just to change it.

The kind of girl who keeps you waiting,

Waiting around.

She likes to get her toes done bright red;

She’s always reapplying her lipstick.

The muddy river bank?

She’s first in and last out.

She’s got something I can’t figure out,

That everybody’s talking about …

She’s got the blue jeans painted on tight,

That everybody wants on Saturday night!

She’s got the mood ring; she’s never the same!

She’s sunny one minute then pouring down rain!

And she’ll do whatever she wants!

And when she moves?  Every jaw’s gonna drop!

And I do – but don’t – want her to stop!

(Because) I want, I want, I want?

Whatever she’s got …

Whatever she’s got …”

-- “Whatever She’s Got” by David Nail.  Saw this dude three years ago at Sandstone as the lead-in to Eric Church.  (Pause).  Jesus, how life changes so damned fast sometimes, and not for the better.  Oh, and yes, I really do sound that hideous, trying to sing ...

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Allow me to state something up front, something that quite frankly I’ve been thinking ever since leaving the donkeys game, knowing that for all intents and purposes, the Chiefs have to win 3 of 4, to reach the playoffs.

Would there be anything – and I mean anything! – more pure Chiefs, than going into Pittsburgh on Sunday, beating the Steelers in convincing fashion … and then crapping the bed at home against San Diego next Sunday?

It’d be 1999 all over again – win four straight against either decent or bitter rivals (at oakland, at denver, vs Pittsburgh), along with a prime time epic classic against a damned good Vikings team … before blowing a 17-0 lead, at home, in the finale, to the god awful raiders, to whiz away the playoffs, after overcoming ridiculous odds* to be in position to make it in to (carl peterson voice) the tournament?

This is my nightmare scenario that’s been dominating the thoughts in my head, for 2 ½ weeks now.  Because face it, isn’t this what we expect?  To finally buy all-in, only to have the rug yanked out from under us in the cruelest way imaginable?  If that doesn’t describe what being a Chiefs fan feels like season after season, what possibly could?

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(*: entering Thanksgiving 1999, the Chiefs stood at 5-5, having lost three straight games.  They stood three behind the Seahawks in the West … and three out of a playoff spot period.  The Dolphins, Colts, Bills, Titans, Jaguars, and Seahawks all were at least 8-2.  Four weeks later, the Chiefs controlled their own destiny for the postseason, before losing the final two to miss out on the fun.

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To call the Chiefs at Steelers the game of the weekend … wouldn’t be that big of a stretch, honestly.  There are some gigantic games on the board:

* Seahawks at “Super” Cardinals (Sunday Nighter): winner likely wins the NFC West, and is in the drivers seat for home field advantage, as both hold tiebreaker over Green Bay. 

Stevo’s Pick: “Super” Cardinals 17-16, on some crazy ass fluky finish.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: who cares; the outcome doesn’t affect the Chiefs chances at all.

* Colts at Cowboys (CBS National Slot): the Colts have already won the AFC South, but can still move up as high as the two seed with a little help.  The Cowboys, if they win out, win the NFC East, and if they lose even once, they could become only the second team in modern NFL history with 11 wins, to miss the playoffs.  (Your 2008 Patriots are the other.) 

Stevo’s Pick: Cowboys 34, Colts 30.  Don’t sleep on Indy though; they’re getting better every week, and every single one of their losses (at donkeys, vs Eagles, at Patriots, at Steelers) looks better by the day.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: another one with no real effect on us.  Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Indy slide to the four slot, especially if Baltimore (as I expect) wins out to seal the five seed (at worst).  I was there last year.  I have no desire to see a seventh Chiefs season (in 19 years) ended by a team that used to, or currently does, call Baltimore home.)

(And yes, if the Chiefs get in, I’m going.  We already had this discussion, at the raiders tailgate last week.  Provided it’s not at Baltimore.  Opening at Indy, Cincy, or denver, and there’s a group of us going.  Open at Baltimore?  Would probably have to fly, and that’s a b*tch to get together on one day’s notice.)

* Falcons at Saints (noon, FOX).  Whoever wins controls their own destiny in the NFC South.  If Atlanta wins, however, Carolina controls its own destiny in the NFC South.  You all have no idea how much I’m rooting for a 6-9-1 Panthers squad to win this division. 

Stevo’s Pick: Falcons 34, Saints 31 (OT).  C’mon Panthers!  C’mon Cam!  Lose at home against Cleveland!

(Seriously, how excited would NBC have to be, for the second time in five years, to have to flex two atrocious teams into the Sunday Nighter slot to close the season, simply because it’s the “best” game on the board?  If you thought 7-8 St. Louis visiting 6-9 Seattle was riveting television five years ago, just wait until Panthers at Falcons!)

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: none.  Unless you want to watch Roger Goodell defend the indefensible again, of a 6 win team hosting a 12 win team in the playoffs. 

(My thoughts on this have evolved somewhat.  I used to think every division champ should be guaranteed at least one home game, as they have been since 1990.  Now?  I still think if you win your division, you should be guaranteed a home game … provided you’re at least .500.  If you can’t win half your games, you shouldn’t be rewarded for it.  A sub-.500 division champ should still get in, but they should have to go on the road, to the team that earned it more.)

* Bills at raiders (3:25pm, CBS).  The Bills are still alive folks.  They’re still alive.  At least until next Sunday, when the Patriots will welcome them to Foxboro as they always do: with an ass-kicking of Biblical proportions.

Stevo’s Pick: Bills 31, raiders 6.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: hang on, I need something stiffer than a Coors Light to type these next three words.  (stevo heading to the liquor cabinet …)  The oakland raiders.  A Bills loss puts them on life support, with Dr. Brady and Dr. Belichick awaiting next week.

* Ravens at Texans (noon, CBS).  I know you will think I am nuts for what I’m about to type … but I believe in Case Keenum.  He thoroughly impressed me last fall at Arrowhead.  I look forward to hopefully watching him (or Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Unhealthy Mancrush Quarterback Ryan Mallett) at Reliant next fall.  (Chiefs would play at Houston if both teams finish 2^nd in their division; the Chiefs are guaranteed to play at Houston in 2016.)

Stevo’s Pick: Ravens 20, Texans 17. 

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: Houston.  Houston, Houston, Houston!

* donkeys at Bengals (Monday Nighter).  This is as close to a must-win, without being one, as they come for the Bengals.  (Next week is truly the must-win, at Pittsburgh.  But this one’s damned close.)

Stevo’s Pick: donkeys 24, Bengals 20.  I think Cincy loses out and misses the playoffs.  It’s 2006 all over again.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: we’ll pretty much know the Chiefs fate by the time this one kicks off.  (There is a wacky ass 11 way scenario where the Chiefs can get in with a loss on Sunday, but trust me – it’s so effed up and unlikely to happen, it makes 2006 look sane and rational and reasonable … when there were only eight distinct outcomes we needed.  Lose on Sunday?  We need 11 distinct outcomes, and try as I might, I just cannot see Buffalo winning in Foxboro, or Cleveland winning in Baltimore, both of which we’d need to occur.)

For now, it's root for the Bengals, on principle.  If the Chiefs lose Sunday, we have to choke down the biggest man-package imaginable, and root for denver.

* “Super” Chargers at 49ers (Saturday Nighter).  Halle-f*cking-lujah, we have Saturday Night Football back in our lives for the first time in nearly a decade! 

Stevo’s Pick: 49ers 24, “Super” Chargers 20.  Win one before Mr. Harbaugh heads across the Golden Gate to make our lives a living hell over the next five years.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: the 49ers, of course … although a Chargers win does nothing for them; the Chiefs finish ahead of them with a win next week, no matter what happens in this contest.

* Packers at Bucs (noon, FOX).  Yawn.

Stevo’s Pick: Packers 38, Bucs 2.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: doesn’t matter … although if the only NFC team you give a sh*t about is the Cowboys or the Lions, root for the Bucs.  (Note: one of those two teams, is the only NFC team, I give a sh*t about.  And it’s at most a 10% sh*t.)

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So that leaves the Chiefs and Steelers.

I’ll have my thoughts about them … tomorrow.