Thursday, April 24, 2014

stevo's first look at 2014 nfl schedule

“I never knew how complete love could be,
‘Til she kissed me and said baby please,

Go all the way!
It feels so right!
Being with you here tonight!

Please!  Go all the way!
Just hold me close!
Don’t ever let me go!

I couldn’t say what I wanted to say,
‘Til she whispered “I love you” so please,

Go all the way!
It feels so right!
Being with you here tonight!

Please!  Go all the way!
Just hold me close!
Don’t ever let me go … oh … oh!!!!”

-- “Go All The Way” by the Raspberries.  A Mixology Staple for as long as I’m setting the Mixology playlist.  You gotta respect the great ones …

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So, the schedule is out.

Sunday, November 30.  7:25pm.  Arrowhead Stadium.

Chiefs. 

squad of satan’s hordes and demons.  (AKA the “denver broncos”.)

Ooh.  Ooh.  OOH!

Let the fun begin!

Here's my initial look at the schedule.  Enjoy?

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* Week One (Thursday September 4 – Monday September 8).

Byes: none. 

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record*: 0-0.

Chiefs: vs Titans (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  A very winnable opener.

Jets: vs raiders (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  A very winnable opener.

Best Game On the Board: 49ers at Cowboys (3:25 CT Sunday, FOX).  Even when one of these teams is in the proverbial crapper, it’s still an instant classic.

Probable “Good Times” Game O’ The Week**: Vikings at Rams (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  There’s ugly, there’s fugly, and then there’s Vikings!  Rams!  Cassel!  Bradford!  Only on FOX!!!

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week***”: Jaguars at Eagles (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  The NFL record for points in regulation is 74, margin of victory 73.  Both should be in jeopardy by midway through the third.

Potential “Webster Game O’The Week****”: none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Redskins at Texans (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Neither team is even within five games as awful, as they were last season.  Winner of this one could steal the six seed in their respective conference.

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Let’s knock out a few inside baseball jokes right off the proverbial bat:

* “Sur” William Callahan Record: the record of “Sur” William Callahan, as in “Surrender” Willy, the former head coach of the once great, once proud Nebraska Cornhuskers, against that wily ol’ grizzled veteran known as “bye”, if he coached the team facing “bye” or “idle”. 

** Good Times Game O’ The Week: the worst game on the board.  Designated because any person with an IQ above room temperature, would opt for a three hour marathon of “Good Times” on TV One or TV Land, over catching even a single second of this contest.  (Note: this is NOT an endorsement of Good Times … even if it is my second favorite sitcom of all time.)

*** Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week: the second worst game on the board.  Designated because any person with an IQ above room temperature, would opt for a three hour marathon of “ALF” on whatever sh*ttacular network actually offers reruns of “ALF” (note: I couldn’t find any), over catching even a single second of this contest.  (Note: this is NOT an endorsement of “ALF” in any way, shape, or form.  Even if “ALF” is semi-watchable twenty five years later.)

**** Webster Game O’ The Week: the third worst game on the board.  You pray to God kids – every God there was, there is, or ever will be – that we NEVER have to designate a Webster Game O’ The Week.  By now you get the point.  And no, this is is NO way, shape, or form, an endorsement of Webster as a credible source of entertainment.  It’s a show starring a midget, a former NFL star banned from the NFL for gambling, and his ugly as sin real-life wife.  Somehow, it lasted multiple seasons!

(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, week two of Stevo’s look, at the 2014 NFL regular season schedule …

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* Week Two (Thursday September 11 – Monday September 15).

Byes: none.

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record: 0-0.

Chiefs: at satan’s squad (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  I am a very firm believer in getting your guaranteed losses, out of the way, as soon as bleeping possible.

Jets: at Packers (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  I am a very firm believer in getting your guaranteed losses, out of the way, as soon as bleeping possible.

Best Game On the Board: Chiefs at satan’s squad.  A battle for early control of the AFC West.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Texans at raiders (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  You can probably strike a line through “probable”.

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: Jaguars at Redskins (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  You can probably strike a line through “potential”.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: Rams at Bucs (3:05pm CT Sunday, FOX).  This is one god-awful slate of games.  So god-awful, I had to contemplate going four-deep, and hauling out the “oh no!  Oh no!  OH NO!!!!!” always dreaded “One Day At A Time Game O’ The Week”.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: “Super” Cardinals at Giants (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  Two fringe playoff contenders.  Could have wooly mammoth sized wildcard ramifications.

* Week Three (Thursday September 18 – Monday September 22).

Byes: none.

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record: 0-0.

Chiefs: at Dolphins (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  Bienvenidos a Miami!  (I apologize for the formatting; I typed the linked post above, on the flight home that Sunday morning.)  

My only complaint … is that this game is so early.  I was counting – nay, praying – for an early December trip down.  Still, any weekend spent on a beach, rather than in the primary or secondary office, is a weekend worth living.

Jets: vs Bears (7:30pm CT Monday, ESPN).  Let’s all hope Buddy “You’ve Got a Winner In Town!” Ryan is alert and coherent to watch his son, take on the franchise, that put him on the map as a coach.

Best Game On the Board: donkeys at Seahawks (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  If I wasn't planning to be physically present in whatever the hell they call Joe Robbie Stadium nowadays, I'd be livid at the Chiefs late start, costing me watching the donkeys get their asses handed to them all ... day ... long. 

Probable "Good Times Game O' The Week": raiders at Patriots (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  This honestly is the worst game on the board ... and it isn't that bad.

Potential "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week": there aren't any.

Potential "Webster Game O' The Week": there aren't any.  Solid job, schedule dudes!

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: 49ers at "Super" Cardinals (3:05pm CT Sunday, FOX).  A huge, and I mean hu-yuge, early statement game for your Arizona "Super" Cardinals.  Hu-yuge.

* Week Four (Thursday September 25 - Monday September 29).

Byes: "Super" Cardinals, Bengals, Browns, satan's squad, Seahawks, Rams.

Potential "Sur" William Callahan Record: 1-5.  I think "Sur" William's squad could beat Cleveland.  But I wouldn't wager a penny of "Sur" William's multiple severance packages from his previous employers, on it happening.

Chiefs: vs Patriots (7:30pm CT Monday, ESPN).  I am officially setting the over / under for when The Bus will be parked outside the gates, honking to get in, at 11:30am.  And I'm taking the under.  This one is going ... hang on, I have to do something this amazing, right.  (the great mr. hugh m. hefner voice) This one is going to be something ... REALLY special!

Jets: vs Lions (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  If the Jets wet the bed on this one, you can kiss any postseason hopes goodbye.

Best Game On the Board: Patriots at Chiefs.

Probable "Good Times Game O' The Week": Jaguars at Chargers (3:05pm CT Sunday, CBS).  I'd suggest the four-parter "Florida's Homecoming", which opened the sixth and final season of this sitcom.  You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll find yourself rooting for a pimp before part four concludes.  (And no, that is not a lie -- you will love Sweet Daddy Williams.  Especially his wardrobe.)  Then pick the last two episodes of the series, "A Matter of Mothers", and "The End of the Rainbow".  That's a three hour time commitment you won't regret.  Unlike this craptacular game.

Potential "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week": Bills at Texans (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  It's not a terrible matchup ... but unless you're a fan of either squad, are you tuning in for more than a quick peek?  Yeah, I thought so.

Potential "Webster Game O' The Week": Dolphins at raiders (3:05pm CT Sunday, CBS).  There's at least a puncher's chance this is a matchup of two 0-3 squads.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Eagles at 49ers (3:25pm CT Sunday, FOX).  OK, it's not sneaky, and it's not underrated, but this could go a very long way towards determining who gets a first round bye.

* Week Five (Thursday October 2 - Monday October 6).

Byes: Dolphins, raiders.

Potential "Sur" William Callahan Record: 2-0.  These are two of the worst coached teams in the league.  Toss in the fact that the raiders haven't finished better than .500 since "Sur" William was calling his own squad "the dumbest team in America", and I think Little Willy C can improve to 3-5 against bye on the season.

Chiefs: at 49ers (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  I'm in the minority, but I don't think this is an easy win for San Francisco.

Jets: at Chargers (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  I'm in the minority, but I think this is an easy win for San Diego.

Best Game On the Board: Bengals at Patriots (7:30pm CT Sunday, NBC).  Could go a very long way towards determining playoff seeding.

Probable "Good Times Game O' The Week": Browns at Titans (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Might I suggest the season five four parter, "The Evans Get Invovled", to start your three hours of viewing?  You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll never look at an iron the same way.  Oh, and you'll meet this really cute little girl making her major acting debut.  Somebody by the name of Janet Jackson.  I'm sure nothing ever became of her career, but still, she's cute to look at.  And to fill hour three, I'd suggest the two parter to open season four, "The Big Move".  Especially for the ending to part two, which is one of the all-time classic scenes, in television history.

Potential "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week": Vikings at Packers (7:30pm CT Thursday, CBS / NFLN).  One of the few outright stinkers on the Thursday schedule.

Potential "Webster Game O' The Week": Bills at Lions (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Friends and family day at Ford Field!

Potential "One Day At A Time Game O' The Week": "Super" Cardinals at satan's squad (3:05pm CT Sunday, FOX).  Hey!  A battle of jake "the fake" plummer's former employers!  How spectacular!

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Bucs at Saints (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  The Bucs always give the Saints fits, especially in the Dome.

* Week Six (Thursday October 9 - Sunday October 13).

Byes: Chiefs, Saints.

Potential "Sur" William Callahan Record: yeah, right.  Like Ol' Billy Callahan is beating either Andy Reid or Sean Payton at anything.  "Sur" William's Record versus bye falls to 3-7.

Chiefs: bye week.  The season's saddest week.

Jets: vs satan's squad (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  I'm guessing I won't be the only Chiefs fan wearing a Jets cap and t-shirt for this one.

Best Game On the Board: Panthers at Bengals (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  There's a few really solid matchups -- Cowboys at Seahawks, 'Skins at "Super" Cards, Patriots at Bills -- but this one's the benchmark.

Probable "Good Times Game O' The Week": Jaguars at Titans (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Don Criqui Alert!  Don Criqui Alert!

Potential "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week": none.

Potential "Webster Game O' The Week": none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Colts at Texans (7:30pm CT Thursday, CBS / NFLN).  I don't think the Texans are all that bad.  I don't think this is a playoff team, but this is a team that can spring an upset at Reliant.  And since the Colts figure to be in a tight three-team race for home field (with the Patriots and satan's squad), they cannot afford even the slightest trip-up.

* Week Seven (Thursday October 16 – Monday October 20).

Byes: Eagles, Bucs.

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record: he ain’t beating Lovie or Chippie.  Bringing “Sur” William’s Farewell Tour against that grizzled ol’ veteran known as “bye” to a staggering 3-9.  Or a typical “Sur” William resume enhancing season.  Throat slash away, Billy.  Throat slash away.

Chiefs: at Chargers (3:05pm CT Sunday, CBS).  A game with ridiculously sick postseason ramifications, on a lot of levels.

Jets: at Patriots (7:30pm CT Thursday, CBS / NFLN).  A game with potentially ridiculously sick postseason ramifications, at least for the Jets.

Best Game On the Board: 49ers at satan’s squad (7:30pm CT Sunday, NBC).  The last time the 49ers rolled into fake mile high, they spotted those demons a 13-0 lead … before fighting back, fighting back, fighting back, and, well, then this happened.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Browns at Jaguars (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Steve Buere”lein King” Alert!  Steve Buere”lein King” Alert!  Steve Buere”lein King” Alert!

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: Vikings at Bills (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  (Sighing …) No.  I am not giving you an "ALF" programming guide, to spend your three hours.  It is NOT happening.  

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: Titans at the Fightin’ Wahoos of the Potomac (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  RGIII!  Locker!  Harlan!  Wilcots!  Feel the excitement!  Only on … CBS!  (Because this sure as all hell isn’t getting flexed into the prime time slot.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Seahawks at Rams (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  Calling the Rams the best last place team in the NFL (which is true), is a bit like calling the Mizzou Tigers the third best team in the SEC for basketball (which is probably true).  It’s about as ball-punching a comment, as one can make.

* Week Eight (Thursday October 23 – Monday October 27).

Byes: Giants, 49ers.

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record: another week, another oh-fer.  “Sur” William’s Record After Eight Weeks: 3-11.  My God, how I wish I’d saved my running diary of “The Bill Callahan Show” from the week after the “Spirit of ‘76” or the “Surrender of the Century”, whichever you prefer, that was up on "The Herm".  

Because anyone who read it can confirm -- it was priceless.  

When the “Cock of the Walk!”, our good buddy Ol’ Jim Rose, asks “Sur” Willy a question about how eight defenders could miss on a simple screen pass that Kerry Meier turned into a 60 plus yard touchdown, Billy Boy stammers for a solid twenty seconds, then just barely audibly says “I don’t know.  I just don’t know.”  (arnold jackson voice) What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?  We ALL know why, “Sur” William.  We ALL know why.  (Hint: look in the mirror …)

Chiefs: vs Rams (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  I hate to call this a “must win”, but given the schedule the Chiefs face?  In the words of former* Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official NFL Color Commentator, Dan Dierdorf, “it would behoove the Chiefs, to win this game!”

Jets: vs Bills (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  I can hardly wait to see how we lose this one.

Best Game On the Board: Packers at Saints (7:30pm CT Sunday, NBC).  I might need a drool guard for this one.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: raiders at Browns (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  Wait, what?  CBS threw this into a national slot?  My God in heaven, won’t SOMEONE please think of the children!

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: Vikings at Bucs (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  To bastardize the words of the great Joe Spano from “Apollo 13”: “It all depends on the quarterbacks”.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Bears at Patriots (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  I don’t think the Pats are going to be all that and a bag of weed.  I do think the Bears are winning the NFC Norris comfortably.  Potential statement game for the Monsters of the Midway.

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(*: Mr. Dierdorf is now Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official NFL Color Commentator (Emeritus).  We’re accepting applications for his replacement.  (Pause).  Don’t even think about it, Mr. Tasker.)

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* Week 9 (Thursday October 30 – Monday November 3).

Byes: “Shane Falco”ns, Bills, Bears, Lions, Packers, Titans.

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record: No, No, No, Yes, Maybe, No.  What the hell, we’ll turn maybe to a tie.  Because every sh*ttacular coach deserves a tie on his record.  (I’m looking at you, Mr. Frank Gansz Senior.)  So that make “Sur” William now a staggering 4-15-1, with twelve games in the “Fond Farewell Tour” to go. 

Chiefs: vs Jets (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Oh boy.

Jets: at Chiefs (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Oh God.

Best Game On the Board: satan’s squad at Patriots (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  Can we just go ahead and set the scene?  Jim Nantz will spend four hours verbally fellating satan manning and Tom Brady like he was a porn star trying to break into the biz.  Phil Simms will spend four hours spouting off utter nonsense, contradicting himself more than I do, and just generally being an insufferable arrogant horse’s ass.  And whatever sideline babette they throw the mic to a couple times, will present nothing of value, because neither beelzebub fox or Bill Belichick are stupid enough to share anything of value, because both of them probably have assistants watching the broadcast of the game, then sending down via the headset what the opposition said.

And somehow, this will earn CBS an Emmy.  I swear to God, you put me, my buddy Gregg, give us my buddy Brett as the third man comedy relief, and some random hottie we pick out fifteen minutes before kickoff because she flashed us, and let us just be us on the broadcast?  Well, the FCC would have a field day with us.  Hell, that one broadcast might pay off at least 2% of the national debt.  But – but – I guarantee you, NOBODY would miss the encore.

Let’s just move on.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Bucs at Browns (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  You can cross out the word “probable” with fifty five Sharpies at this point.

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: raiders at Seahawks (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  As my dad would note: “this should be an ass kicking of Biblical proportions”.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: Jaguars at Bengals (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  I can smell the stink from 650 miles away.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Rams at 49ers (3:05pm CT Sunday, FOX).  For some reason, the Rams are the one team that frustrate Jim Harbaugh to no end.  It hasn’t mattered the last couple years.  It might this season.

* Week Ten (Thursday November 6 – Monday November 10).

Byes: Texans, Colts, Vikings, Patriots, “Super” Chargers, Redskins.

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record: hang on.  I don’t even know who the hell the Vikings head coach is.  Give me a second here.  Whoa, Mike Zimmer finally got a head gig?  Hot diggity damn, it’s about time!  So, my picks would be No, No, No, Hell No, Maybe, and No.  Let’s convert Maybe into a “Yes” this time.  Bringing His Surrendercy to an astounding 5-20-1, with six games left in his tenure.

Chiefs: at Bills (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Same bat time, same bat channel, as 2013 – first Sunday in November, at The Ralph.

Jets: vs Steelers (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  This rarely ends well.

Best Game On the Board: 49ers at Saints (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  These two former divisional rivals, always stage a classic.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Honestly?  There’s not a dud on the board.

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: none.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Rams at Cardinals (3:25pm CT Sunday, FOX).  Won’t receive the hype that Giants / Seahawks will opposite this on the FOX broadcast window, but this game could be hu-yuge, for the six seed.

* Week Eleven (Thursday November 13 – Monday November 17).

Byes: Ravens, Cowboys, Jaguars, Jets.

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record: L, L, L, and L.  5-24-1, with two to play.

Chiefs: vs Seahawks (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  For those writing this one off as impossible?  The last time the Seahawks reached the Super Bowl?  They played in KC to a huge underdog Chiefs team … and lost by a touchdown (35-28, Week 8 2006).  Just sayin’.

Jets: bye.  I’m personally torn on when I prefer the bye.  If my team is really struggling with injuries (think 2006 Chiefs), I want it as early as possible.  (That week three bye saved that team’s ass.)  If my team is relatively healthy, I want it as late as possible, to get a breather before the stretch run.

Best Game On the Board: Patriots at Colts (7:30pm CT Sunday, NBC).  Let me assure you – Colts fans HATE the Patriots, almost as much as I hate the denver broncos.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Texans at Browns (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Two franchises going nowhere anytime soon.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  I haven’t yet?  Well, sumbeach!  HIT IT!

(cue theme song music)





Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: Bucs at ‘Skins (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  To once again quote the great Joe Spano from “Apollo 13”: “It all comes down to the quarterbacks”.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Game That Will Matter Come December: Bengals at Saints (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  A really solid inter-conference matchup between two teams that have routinely made the playoffs the last three, four seasons.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a sentence NOONE ALIVE IN 2000, EVER IMAGINED, would be said about these two squads.

* Week Twelve (Thursday November 20 – Monday November 24).

Byes: Panthers, Steelers.

Potential “Sur” William Callahan Record: L, L.  Leaving Ol’ Willy C with a 5-26-1 mark against “bye”.  Come back next year to see if I’ll act like 99.2% of the owners in the NFL would, and fire his ass from this column … or act like the late, never great William Clay Ford, who once justified Wayne “Rasputin” Fontes’ return as head coach by noting “well, I didn’t fire him, and he didn’t offer to quit, so I guess he’ll be back”.  Now THAT’S leadership!

Chiefs: at raiders (7:30pm CT Thursday, NFLN).  If you have to draw a short week after facing the defending champs … could you draw this up any better?  I mean, our road opponents this year were guaranteed to be the “Super” Cardinals, 49ers, Steelers, Dolphins, Bills, satan’s squad, “Super” Chargers, and raiders.  Of those eight, if you had to pick one to play not even 110 hours after doing battle with the Seahawks, who would you pick?

And as if that isn’t good enough?  Guess what playing this (should be) victory three days early means?

Three extra days of rest, and preparation, for … hang on, I refuse to be premature anywhere other than with a really, really hot chica who’s into it big time.

Jets: at Bills (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  The Ralph is our house of horrors.  This will not be pretty.

Best Game On the Board: I’m gonna take a flyer for once – “Super” Cardinals at Seahawks (3:05pm CT Sunday, FOX).  There’s a lot of decent matchups, but give Arizona this – they’re the only team to win in Seattle in nearly three years.  This could be vital to their playoff hopes and dreams.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Browns at Falcons (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Yikes.  Hide the friends and family; don’t make them suffer through this.

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: none.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: Packers at Vikings (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  The Vikes always give Green Bay at game at home.  Curious to see how the move outdoors, affects this matchup in the Twin Cities.

* Week Thirteen (Thursday November 27 – Monday December 1).

Chiefs: vs broncos (7:30pm CT Sunday, NBC).  In the interest of full disclosure, every year, I pick the Chiefs to host the broncos on Thanksgiving Night.  Since, after all, denver at KC was the first Thanksgiving Night game eight years ago.  From 2007-2011, never came within a week of happening.  2012?  denver at KC, high noon, Thanksgiving weekend Sunday.  2013?  denver at KC, 3:25pm CBS national slot, Thanksgiving weekend Sunday.  2014?  denver at KC, prime time national television.

You’re welcome.

Also, for what it’s worth, the last time the Chiefs faced denver in weeks 2 (at denver) and 13 (here)?  2006.  All that happened that week 13?  Pick the one that didn’t:

1. jake “the fake” plummer took his final NFL snap.
2. The jay cutler era began.
3. The donkeys proceeded to drop 3 of 5 (4 of 6 if you count a dead cornerback), to miss the playoffs on tiebreakers to … the Chiefs, because of the Thanksgiving night win.

The answer: 4.  None of the above.  They all happened.



Best Game On the Board: Seahawks at 49ers (7:30pm CT Thursday, NBC).  Fine, fine, fine – let the West Coast have the fun on Turkey Day.  I’d rather sleep it off on company time anyway.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Browns at Bills (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Seriously, other than Detroit and possibly oakland, is there any more depressing word(s) in the English language than “Buffalo” or “Cleveland”?

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: none.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup That Will Matter Come December: it’s isn’t sneaky, but it’ll be good – Patriots at Packers (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  Roger and Diane better have the damned satellite dish working during tailgating.  This one is too good to miss.

* Week Fourteen (Thursday December 4 – Monday December 8).

Chiefs: at “Super” Cardinals (3:05pm CT Sunday, CBS).  I know this is a PSA thirteen years running, but kids?  Trust your crazy drunk uncle on this one.  If you find yourself sharing a room with some friends on a road trip for whatever reason, and just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s say you’re going to a Chiefs / “Super” Cardinals game in the desert the next day.  And you decide to all share a room, to save some money, because let’s face it, in your early 20s, money isn’t usually free flowing.

So, if you happen to be sharing a room with some friends at a Super 8 – and again, just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s say it’s in the greater Tempe area – and you find yourself and your significant other feeling ridiculously frisky, and feel like a romp in the loo, to cure what ails you?

Entering a bathroom at said Super 8, and turning on the shower, while you take Marvin Gaye literally and decide “let’s get it on”?  Does NOT drown out the sounds, of you enjoying one of life’s finest moments, from the other occupants of your hotel room.

(cheezy early 1990s nbc promo voice) The more you know!

(Note: the above PSA may … or may not … have been warranted due to events that occurred during a road trip to the Chiefs / “Super” Cardinals game in 2001.  You decide.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well of COURSE I wasn’t the one getting his groove on in the godd*mned bathroom!  Seriously?  Do you not know me at all?  (keyshawn johnson voice) Come on, man!)

Jets: at Vikings (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Probably a loss.

Best Game On the Board: Cowboys at Bears (7:30pm CT Thursday, NFLN).  Could have gigantic playoff implications.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Bills at donkeys (3:05pm CT Sunday, CBS).  Thank God we’re spared from watching this in the KC media market.  Good Lord, satan manning is gonna use the Bills as his own personal urinal.

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: 49ers at raiders (3:25pm CT Sunday, FOX).  What’s the over / under on casulaties in the stands, 526?  598?  I’m taking the over, no matter what it is.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: Falcons at Packers (7:30pm CT Monday, ESPN).  One of the very few duds ESPN got.  This is going to be ugly.

Sneaky Good Underrated Game That Will Matter Come December: Patriots at Chargers (7:30pm CT Sunday, NBC).  I’d also throw Seattle’s only cross-country trip, to Philly (3:25pm CT Sunday, FOX), into the “sneaky good underrated game” category as well.

* Week Fifteen (Thursday December 11 – Monday December 15).

Chiefs: vs raiders (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  The Chiefs have beaten the raiders twice at Arrowhead, since Richard A. Vermeil retired: 2006 … and last year.  They HAVE to have this one.

Jets: at Titans (3:05pm CT Sunday, CBS).  Sneaky good underrated game of the week?

Best Game On the Board: Saints at Bears (7:30pm CT Monday, ESPN).  Hear me out on this.  The Bears get back to back prime time games, in Chicago, IN DECEMBER for God’s sake … and they get eleven days between them?  Against teams they’re highly likely to be fighting for playoff positioning with?  Someone’s leading a charmed life.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Vikings at Lions (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  (good ol’ jr voice) My God, the carnage!

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: Bengals at Browns (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Does anything else really need to be said?

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Game That Will Matter Come December: demons at Chargers (3:05pm CT Sunday, CBS).  The division turned last year on the fact that denver won out there, and we didn’t.  Huge game for three teams, at least, in the AFC West in this one, only two of whom are on the field of play.

* Week Sixteen (Thursday December 18 – Monday December 22).

Chiefs: at Steelers (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Whoa, a Steelers / Chiefs game NOT in prime time?  The last time that happened?  2009.  (Pause).  Hey, that worked out well! 

Jets: vs Patriots (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  As the late, great Leo McGarry would note: “a long night awaits us all”.

Best Game On the Board: broncos at Bengals (7:30pm CT Monday, ESPN).  What an epic finish to “MNF”.  This one should have GIGANTIC playoff implications.  Hell, this one is so huge, I actually called the visiting team, by its proper name!

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: Bills at raiders (3:25pm CT Sunday, CBS).  Guessing 92.85% of the country gets Colts / Cowboys instead, in the national CBS window.

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”: none.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: none.

Sneaky Good Underrated Game That Will Matter Come December: Seahawks at Cardinals (7:30pm CT Sunday, NBC).  Kudos to NBC (and the schedule gurus) for giving this one a chance.  Yes, granted, NBC has the flex system to save its ass if the “Super” Cardinals flop … but ten years ago?  Not a chance in hell this was your final “scheduled” Sunday nighter.  This is why I love the flex system – not because it guarantees you one amazing game every Sunday (because it doesn’t – it guarantees you whatever Fred Gaudelli is obsessed with at the moment (*cough 2010 Vikings Brett Favre cough *) … but because it allows the League and its biggest rights payer, to take chances on matchups that you look at and say “you know what, if this breaks this way, and this breaks that way, this could REALLY be epic”.  It gives you a failsafe. 

I hope this game not only matters, but matters enough to stay exactly where it is on the schedule, with not even a thought of moving it.  As a fan of a smaller populated metropolitan area, who whizzes away a couple thousand dollars every year on season tickets, parking, tailgating, and Jacked Ups!, as well as a roadie or three to support that team?  I WANT the little guys to succeed!  I want a denver at KC matchup on Thanksgiving weekend to not just be given the prime time slot, but earn it!  Ditto this one.  Come on, “Super” Cardinals!  Do your part! 

(Except on week fourteen.  Don’t show up that week.  Thanks, your pal, Stevo.)

* Week Seventeen (Sunday, December 28).

Chiefs: vs Chargers (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  I nailed this one on the spot in my dream schedule.  Let’s just see how I did.

(Key: Week: My Pick, Actual Game).

Week One: vs Jets, vs Titans.  Had them reversed.
Week Two: at raiders, at broncos.  Whiff.
Week Three: at broncos, at Dolphins.  Whiff.
Week Four: vs Rams, vs Patriots.  Whiff.
Week Five: at Steelers, at 49ers.  Whiff.
Week Six: vs Patriots, bye.  Whiff.
Week Seven: at Bills, at Chargers.  Whiff.
Week Eight: bye, vs Rams.  Whiff.
Week Nine: vs Titans, vs Jets.  Had them reversed.
Week Ten: vs Seahawks, at Bills.  Whiff.
Week Eleven: at Chargers, vs Seahawks.  Whiff.
Week Twelve: at Cardinals, at raiders.  Whiff.
Week Thirteen: vs broncos, vs broncos.  DING!  DING!  DING!
Week Fourteen: at Dolphins, at Cardinals.  Whiff.
Week Fifteen: at 49ers, vs raiders.  Whiff.
Week Sixteen: vs raiders, at Steelers.  Whiff.
Week Seventeen: vs Chargers, vs Chargers.  DING!  DING!  DING!

So, I got 2 of 16 games nailed, was off by a week on three others (at donkeys, vs Seahawks, vs raiders), and flip-flopped the Jets / Titans home game picks.  Not too shabby, if I may say so.  And since it’s my site, I may!

Jets: at Dolphins (noon CT Sunday, CBS).  Could very well be a “winner’s in, loser’s out” scenario.  Jets at Dolphins to end the regular season for the second straight year (Jets ended the Dolphins season last year via the upset in Miami).

Best Game On the Board: I suppose I’m obligated to say Cowboys at Redskins (noon CT Sunday, FOX), since four of the last five Sunday night closers flexed in, have featured Dallas vs a NFC East Opponent, to win the division (W 2009 vs Philly, L 2011 at Giants, L 2012 at Redskins, L 2013 at Philly).  The exception to the rule being … Rams at Seahawks (3:25pm CT Sunday, FOX), which was your NFC West championship game in 2010.  (Your other defacto divisional title game was 2008, San Diego over denver at The Murph.)

But honestly, the one game I have circled with a gigantic “this is gonna be epic, I don’t know why, I just think it is” circle is … Saints at Bucs (noon CT Sunday, FOX).  Not so much for the Bucs.  I just think the Saints will enter in a “win and you’re in” position … and will choke, as they usually do in Tampa.  We’ll see.

Probable “Good Times Game O’ The Week”: none.  It’s the last week of the season.

Potential “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The week”: none.  It’s the last week of the season.

Potential “Webster Game O’ The Week”: none.  It’s the last week of the season.

Sneaky Good Underrated Game That Will Matter Come December: let’s all hope and pray, it’s ALL of them, in week seventeen.


Don’t know when the next NFL centric post will go up, but probably before the draft, either detailing my hopes and dreams for the Chiefs pick that never actually happen … or the 2014 NFL Coaches Power Poll.  Hell, maybe I’ll get a lil’ frisky myself, and post both …

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