Wednesday, May 28, 2014

post 744: where 2014's first fake mailbag! ... and (believe in the best) potential "wait, what?" moment of my life, both happen at once ...

"She says, look baby!
I'm a rock star!
Grabs my old guitar.

Playin' it upside down,
Dancin' round,
In front of our TV ...

I can't see the ballgame,
So I just wave
My lighter around and say,

Rock on baby!
I'd rather watch you anyway.

But when you're done?
Can I come backstage,
And get you to sign 

That Zeppelin shirt of mine
You're wearing?
I'll never wash that thing again.

Yeah, she's my kind of crazy!
Little games she plays!
Lord, they never get old.

She's too cute,
To get on my last nerve!

The way she throws
Her little fits?
Poking out her lip

To bite my rambling kiss?
There ain't a fight that she
Can't win.

That's my baby!
And she's my kind of crazy ..."

-- "My Kind of Crazy" by Brantley Gilbert, the (at best) fifth best song he's ever done ... but gun to my head, it's my favorite.

--------------------

Happy final week of May, peoples and peepettes!  I got an email from the Chiefs the other day trying to get me to add another ticket to the account, with the subject line “Only Ten Sunday Until Football!”

Which means we have fourteen – fifteen, with luck – of summer goodness to enjoy.  And enjoy the hell out of it?  I intend to do.

In honor of summer’s arrival, it's time to clean out the inbox, and post 2014's first "Fake Mailbag"!!!!!

(kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As always, these are (allegedly) legitimate queries sent by my (allegedly) loyal readers, regarding (alleged) topics of interest.  At least four of these, were legit, credible emails I have received, so ... enjoy?

* "The Moose is Loose!  (Pause).  That was horrible.  Your thoughts?" -- Heath C, Harrisonville.

That it's a month overdue?

Look it, the longer the Royals hang around .500 in this part of the schedule, is going to make it that much tougher, when the brutal stretch comes ... and that brutal stretch, is the entire month of September.  The last three weeks of the season, the Royals face the Yankees three times (all on the road), the Red Sox four times (all at home), the Tigers six times (three home / three away), the White Sox seven times (three home / four away), and the Indians three times (all away).  If this team isn't ten games over .500 when the Rangers arrive on Labor Day, you can reasonably kiss the postseason goodbye.

Furthermore, why did this take so long?  For pushing fifteen years now, the Royals have never been afraid to demote the hot shot new guy, if he deserved it.  And go figure -- it usually works!  They demoted Mike Sweeney; he returned in All Star form.  They demoted Tito Beltran; he's still playing in All Star form (albeit not for us).  The Royals demoted Zach Greinke; he won the Cy Young.  The Royals demoted Alex Gordon; he returned in All Star form.  Ditto Billy Butler. 

If you have something that has been proven to work for your team, why do you stop doing it?

* "Swept?  By the Astros?  Is it time to, in the words of Al Pacino, "take a flamethrower to this place?" -- Anthony R, Independence.

Wait -- you're asking the only person alive whose last name is not Pioli, that not just was ok with, but supported that man's return as general manager across the parking lot, you're asking that guy, about taking a flamethrower to a sinking ship?

It takes a lot -- and I mean a lot -- to drive me to the "fire that a-hole" column.  Ned's almost there.  Dayton isn't within a trip around the 435 loop, of being in the ballpark of that column yet.

Although as Mr. Pacino noted in his first line: this Royals season IS ... a crock of sh*t.

* "I am shocked the NBA didn't rig this (the draft lottery)" -- Drew K, Shawnee.

You're shocked?  You have three powerhouse fanbases, long-storied teams in this league, all sitting there with a chance at the top pick -- and all sitting there, in the same season, when between the 76ers, Celtics, and Lakers?  They combined see the lottery maybe five times a decade, and three of those are 76ers appearances.

To see the Bucks almost wind up in the spot their odds expected?  Was a stunning surprise.

To see the 76ers, Celtics, and Lakers, all wind up exactly where the odds say they should?  Was surreal.

* "Did you see the Star's Deal of the Day?  Half off at Don Chilito's!  Half off microwaved enchiladas ... and a chip trough to boot!  Who wouldn't want that?" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

Me.  That place hates me worse than the Quaff or someone with the last name of Jones hates me.  (Although to be fair, the feeling is mutual in all three cases.)  

God, I hate the Quaff.  "You let him drive?!?!?!?!"  Never again, Quaff.  NEVER again.  

The last time I stepped foot in that slice of microwaved refried food heaven hell back in October?  Your car got (keyshawn johnson voice) JACKED UP!, and my dad dropped dead twice in an hour.  God, I hate Don Chilitos.  "You need to get your ass to Shawnee Mission as fast as you can, and I will meet you at the (ER) door."  Never again, Don Chilitos.  NEVER again.

But -- but! -- I will make one exception.  There's one, and only one, situation, in which Don Chilito's Authentic Mexican Restaurant, would be what I was seeking.  I can see it now ...

(tv show) (cue the "100,000 Pyramid" theme song)
(studio audience) (wild applause)

(dick clark) I must ask the audience, please, no talking, no hints.  Stevo, are you ready?
(stevo) Yes.  Yes I am.
(dick clark) Markie, are you ready?
(markie post) Let's do this.
(dick clark) Let's start the clock. For one hundred thousand dollars.  Go!

(stevo / markie post) (answer first five categories in :35)

(markie post) Upset stomach.  Uncontrollable bowel movements.
(stevo) Things diarrhea might say!
(markie post) Microwaved barely edible enchiladas.
(stevo) Things El Monterrey Frozen Mexican Cuisine might say!
(markie post) numerous health code violations.
(stevo) Things a Chinese buffet might say!  Things the Gates on 40 Highway might say!
(markie post) 1970s motif. 
(stevo) Things the Albertson’s on John T White and 820* might say!
(markie post) The laxative of fine Mexican dining.
(stevo) Things Taco Via might say!
(markie post) stale sopapillas.  A chip trough with molded, discolored chips.
(stevo) Things Don Chilito's Authentic Mexican Restaurant might say!
(markie post) YES!  YES!!  YES!!!
(hugs all around).

Now THAT, in the words of the legen ... wait for it ... dary Mr. Hugh M. Hefner, THAT?

Would be something ... REALLY special!

(This was one of the (at least) four real queries, believe it or not.  How did people manage to waste time in the office, before the advent of email and instant messaging?  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You're kidding me!  People used to be allowed to smoke and drink on the job?  Man, I was born at the wrong time!)

(*: that Albertson's was seriously, my favorite grocery store when I lived in Lake Arlington.  Sure, I could drive three to four extra minutes to the brand spanking new Tom Thumb, or a rock solid Minyard's.  But where else are you gonna find mustard yellow lettering?  Brown and green trim?  It honestly looked like something out of an episode of "Welcome Back Kotter".  Needless to say, they got my money.  Even if it was one of the most (jimmy johnson voice) poorly run grocery stores, known to mankind.)

* "Would you trade for Andre Johnson?" -- Anthony V, Overland Park.

I'm torn on this, for a couple reasons.

A small part of me says "yes", because for 2014 at least, it would move Donnie Avery into the slot as the third option (where he belongs), and the concept of Alex Smith having five weapons named Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe, Andre Johnson, Donnie Avery, and (insert fifth option here -- TE / WR / RB), makes me drool.  And a large part of me wants to say "yes", because after that 2014 experiment, we have DBowe's replacement in house, and can get some breathing room in dealing with the cap by releasing him.

A small part of me says "no", simply because what is it going to cost?  At least a 2015 first rounder, a third rounder sometime in the next two years, and probably a conditional pick as well.  I'm not willing to give up three of our next fourteen selections, to acquire one wide receiver, unless that receiver is Randy Moss circa 1998 or 2007.

But overall, I wouldn't do it, if for no other reason than go back and look at "Fat" Andy's teams in Philly.  Only once did they have a wide receiver worth a damn, and the TO experiment imploded on them spectacularly after twenty games.  Donovan McNabb's go-to guy was Todd Stinkston, for God's sake. 

So no, I wouldn't do it.  But if the price dropped, I'd at least reconsider.

* "Another month, another scandal at the federal level, another "I had no idea!" response from the President.  Your thoughts?" -- Scott H, Liberty.

To quote Mrs. Clinton: "what difference does it make at this point?"

And sadly, isn’t that fact?

Nobody cares anymore.  This man is such an utter, inept, aloof failure, that the nation cannot wait to replace him.  There’s a reason why the focus is on 2016 two and a half years out from Election Day, and it’s the same reason the nation had had enough of Mr. Obama’s predecessor thirty months out: because every person in this country with an IQ above room temperature, knows it’s going to get a helluva lot worse, between now and then.  It’s the “bury the head in the sand” mentality.

Nobody is surprised when another scandal comes out, because that’s all this administration has been the last two years.  Benghazi, IRS, Fast and Furious, the VA, the broken website for Obamacare.  The lie anyone with an IQ above room temperature the last four years knew was a lie, that “you can keep your plan if you like it”.  The fact 9 million jobs and counting have disappeared from the payrolls since January 20, 2009.  The out-of-control spending that will destroy this nation’s economy in the next fifteen years, unless the grown-ups in the room deal with it.  Sadly, there aren’t any grown-ups in the room in the Oval Office anymore, now that Mrs. Clinton saw the handwriting on the wall, and got the hell out of Dodge, as fast as she could after Election Day 2012.

I mean, what’s going to get better in the next thirty two months?  And yes, we still have THIRTY TWO MORE MONTHS of this!  

Iran will go nuclear.  Let that sink in: nuclear war in the Middle East is now on the table.  And not just in Iran – this man signed off on letting Russia “monitor” the happenings in Syria.  Is this a joke?  Is there a single person alive not named Barack Hussein Obama, who believes Russia isn’t going to arm Syria to the teeth, to increase his influence in the oil-richest area of the world? 

The worst of Obamacare?  Hasn’t hit yet, because Barry violated every tenet of the Constitution by rewriting the law on a whim, exempting large employers from compliance until after the 2014 elections.  Just wait until the GE’s, the ExxonMobil’s, the auto makers, the major insurance and banking institutions, just wait until they get a chance to dump us onto the public payrolls, by paying a fine and saving billions of dollars, over providing insurance plans. 

Our economic growth last quarter was 0.1%.  0.1%!   A monkey flinging his dung around a cage for three straight months, can generate 0.1% growth for your local zoo’s bottom line!  Hell, if I wanted to, I could pimp this site, put a few ad generators on it, and generate 0.1% growth in my bottom line for a three month period!  One tenth of one percent.  That’s our nation’s economic growth to open 2014.  Hell, I'll go one further -- the man in the room dumber than said monkey flinging his dung (that would be Vice President Biden)?  Even he could create 0.1% economic growth, simply by people buying televisions and tablets and what have you, just to listen to his gaffes!

My head hurts.  This was supposed to be a fun post.  Let’s move on.

Because God knows 65% plus percent of the country, wishes to God we could do that with this man, at this point.

* “Ten tailgates upcoming this fall!  Rank them from “least excited for” to “most geeked about”, and why!” – Russ H, Raytown.

Hey, when the Bus Man asks a question, his eyes and ears for the drive home answers!

(And to think people wonder why we wait until the parking lot empties, before leaving.)

In descending order (and note: my hoped for roadie to Miami, or fall-back roadie to San Diego, are not included; only games I know I will attend, are in this ranking.)

10. Chargers (Sunday, December 28 – Week 17).  The last one is always the saddest … if only because it’s usually so damned cold, not even I will show up in shorts.  And anyone who has ever tailgated with me can tell you – I wear shorts until it’s really, really, really cold.  Not (rest in peace) Bill Williams tolerance of the cold impressive … but I’ve worn shorts out there when it was in the 20s, and felt perfectly fine.  Hell, one of the pictures I have up in my cubicle, is me coming off The Bus (with the crappy “mistletoe” to steal a kiss or four from “The Crush”) for the Packers game in 2011.  It was 22 at kickoff.  Me?  A sweatshirt, a hoodie, a Santa hat, said “mistletoe” … and the black Chiefs shorts with tennis shoes.

9. Bengals (Thursday, August 7 – Preseason Week 1).  It’s on a Thursday, for starters, so half our group won’t be there to tailgate, and if we want to do it up right, I’ll have to take two vacation days.  The only redeemable thing is that August tailgates pretty much ensure I get to do what I do better than any human being to ever draw breath: sit outside in the sun, enjoying a cold libation, with the t-shirt nowhere in sight.

8. Rams (Sunday October 26 – Week 8).  As annoying as donkey and raider fans are?  Rams fans might be worse.  Assuming they have any left, now that the bandwagon “Greatest Show on Turf” days are over.

7. raiders (Sunday December 14 – Week 15).  The positives: all six raider fans I can stomach, will be there, and it’s one of two chances I get this year, to plant that mistletoe on that Santa hat, and go for it.  The negatives: every other damned thing.  The cold, the raiders fans, the fact oakland has won 6 of 7 at Arrowhead, and we haven’t had a double digit win at home against them since 2002 (and even that was 20-10 in the rain) until last year.

I mean, let that sink in.  There are fifteen year old Chiefs fans -- there are freshmen in high school Chiefs fans! -- who have never seen a comfortable win over the raiders at Arrowhead.  1998 was the last one, the Sunday night home opener, 30-8.  Since then?  Losses in 1999, 2000, 2001, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012.  A ten point win in 2002 in a monsoon.  (Beats the 24-0 loss at oakland in 2002 in an even more impressive monsoon.)  A last second win in 2003 and 2004 via field goal, 2005 via LJ's touchdown, and 2006 via Jarrad Page's end zone interception.  And last year's 24-7 victory?  Was 14-7 into the fourth quarter.  Oy.

6. Jets (Sunday November 2 – Week 9).  I am so looking forward to the “wait, who is this tito cheering for?!?!” looks all day long.  (I always cheer for the Chiefs, no matter who they face, unless (a) the Chiefs are mathematically eliminated from any postseason consideration, and (b) a Chiefs loss will get the Jets into the playoffs.  That scenario has yet to ever manifest itself.)

5. Titans (Sunday September 7 – Week 1).  Whoa!  The home opener is fifth?!?!?!  Yup.  It should be a decent weather day, with a very beatable opponent.  The exact kind of game I like: prop the feet up at halftime, ditch the t-shirt, enjoy a gigantic Jacked Up!, and watch the Chiefs take care of business 38-13, then dance on that freaking ceiling afterwards.  Although in the interest of fairness, you could flip 4 and 5 on this list, and I wouldn’t complain.

4. Vikings (Saturday August 23 – Preseason Week 3).  Should be about 95 when the gates open at 3pm, should be in the mid 80s when we exit the gates a little before 11pm.  A perfect late August Saturday.  I live for those days.

3. Seahawks (Sunday November 16 – Week 11).  Defending Super Bowl champions?  Check.  Guaranteed fish fry for tailgating?  Check.  Should be a perfect “football weather” kind of day – high 50s and comfortable?  Check.  What’s not to like?  (Other than the Chiefs odds of winning, of course)?

2. broncos (Sunday November 30 – Week 13).  WHAT?!?!?!  How the hell is donkey day not numero uno?  And, I will grant you, most years, it would be.  For the second straight year, we’ve got them here Thanksgiving Weekend (my favorite weekend of the season, and no, I don’t know why that is, so don’t ask.)  For the second time in nine years, we’ve got them here that weekend, in the national stand-alone prime time slot (hopefully – although if NBC didn’t flex out the Steelers / Chiefs in this slot in 2011, when the Chiefs stood 4-6 and fading fast, I doubt they’re flexing satan’s squad out of this one).

triple noose donkey as a piƱata?  Always awesome.  It’ll be a great day, with fun times had by all, at least until kickoff. 

But it ain’t numero uno.  Which is …

1. Patriots (Monday September 29 – Week 4).  Part of it is hope and anticipation of one last great day of summer (late September in the KC area usually is really nice and “unseasonably warm”).  Part of it is the idea of a six hour tailgate via the early entry pass we should have all year.

But mostly, it’s the fact that this is highly likely to be, the final time a Tom Brady led Patriots squad, ever plays at Arrowhead.  He’s 1-1 here; the Pats won 27-19 on a Monday nighter in 2004 that essentially ended the season, the Chiefs won 26-16 on Thanksgiving Weekend in 2005 that set up “The Stand” seven days later against denver.

* “So, your three-month-out thoughts on the Chiefs?” – Damien J, Midtown.

Same as three months ago: 10-6, wildcard, lose at Indianapolis, or win at Cincinnati, and get pummeled at fake mile high in the divisional round.

Look it, I hate to be Debbie Downer here, but can we just deal with this place called “reality” for a moment?

The Chiefs, right now, are the second or third best team in the division.

Does anyone honestly believe, barring catastrophic injury, we can finish ahead of denver?

Does anyone honestly believe, barring catastrophic injury, San Diego can finish ahead of denver?

The Chargers and Chiefs are doing this right – they know they’re good enough in 2014 right now (and the rest of the AFC, outside of possibly the Jets, is so awful), that they’re a 70% bet, to be the two wildcards.  denver is also doing this right – they have at most two legit shots left with peyton at the helm.  They’re loading up for today, and will pay for it in 2017, and I can’t fault them for it.

The four key games are week three (at Dolphins), week 10 (at Bills), week 14 (at “Super” Cardinals), and week 16 (at Steelers).  If the Chiefs take 3 of 4 of those?  They’ll make the playoffs, because they’re going 6-2 at Arrowhead, and they’ll beat oakland in the ass crack of America.  That’s ten wins.  Take all four, they’re the top wildcard again.

Take all four plus upset either Seattle or denver at home?  Then we can talk about overtaking the donkeys.

* “Any thoughts on the new Brantley Gilbert “cd”?  I’m sure you’ve already bought it.” – Ginny O, Gardner.

Yes, I have a few thoughts on it.  And to convey my thoughts on it, allow me to quote, verbatim, from one of the single funniest moments I’ve ever seen, on a golf broadcast:

(johnny miller) Have you seen his lie?
(mark rolfing) Yes.
(johnny miller) How is it?
(mark rolfing) Bad.

It’s gonna take a lot of liquid courage to type up a review of this one … because this is the first “cd” he’s ever released, that I think just effing sucks, pretty much from start to finish.

And before you say well of course it does – how could he top “Prodigal Son” and “Halfway to Heaven”?  And granted, he couldn’t?

You will NEVER find a bigger defender and fan, of “Fairweather Johnson”, which was Hootie and the Blowfish’s follow up to their breakthrough effort?  You will NEVER find a bigger fan of “Fairweather Johnson”, than me.  And that’s the effort, that pretty much ended, Hootie as we knew them.

* “So, I’m picturing a sitcom with John Larroquette and David Leisure as two dirty old men.  Tell me you wouldn’t watch this!” – Brent S, Incorporated Johnson County.

This is how I pitched the show, in my response (with a little editing for hilarity):

A “Grumpy Old Men” style sitcom, where John Larroquette and David Leisure (two of the worst sitcom actors of all time, bar none), play the Max and John roles, fighting for the love and affection of Markie Post.  We have Harry Anderson from “Night Court” play the bartender, and Bull from “Night Court” play the bouncer.  And we cast that wily ol’ veteran Bob Eubanks, in the grandpa role.

Oh, and we cast either Della Reese, or that Roz chick from “Night Court”, as Grandpa’s fling.

I can see that one now:

(bob eubanks) Roz, where did you say, I’d like to take you on vacation?
(roz) (shows card that says “Mexico”)
(bob) (shows card that says “Hawaii”)
(roz, visibly angry) Mexico?!?!?!?!
(bob) Sure!  Because I’ve been to Hawaii!  A lot of islands there!  Like “Uwannalickydicky”!  “Imakindakinky”!  “Wannapeekapeepee”!

Plus, if you’ve ever seen “Roger and Me” (and if you haven’t, you should), then you know Bob Eubanks doesn’t think twice about dropping a racial blast or two, to liven the mood! 

What's not to love?

And in season two, we could add some other washed up 1980s sitcom star nobody thinks about anymore, like, uum, hang on, I’m sure I can come up with a couple … well, we could find someone, to romance whoever Markie Post didn’t choose!  Or bring in Fred Dryer (aka Sergeant Rick Hunter) as a third wheel for Ol’ Markie!

Sadly?  Every person reading this who is in my age bracket (and I am 37)?  Is nodding their heads, and saying “Yes!  This is better than ANY sitcom in development right now!"

Even sadder?  They're probably right.

* "So I hear you have a new toy you like to use, that gives you a lot of pleasure?" -- Megan K, City Market.

Hey now, it's not a toy like you think it is (rimshot)!

I actually came across it quite by accident.  The building I work in has been undergoing renovations for the last year, and it's been kind of crazy in this place.  In the last eighteen months alone, I have moved four times -- from the fourth floor to the seventh, from the seventh to the second, three aisle down on the second, and now finally, from the second my current place on five (which hopefully is permanent).  It was the last move, that led to the discovery.

I was cleaning out my cubicle drawer a couple days before the move, and there, buried in the very, very back of the second drawer, was THE greatest thing, I've ever seen in an office I have occupied, that didn't involve mocking the Missouri Tigers, or satan's squad.

The Unacceptable Stamp.



(You didn't believe me, did you?  Image: me, via my iPhone.)

No, really -- look at that thing of beauty again.  It's a stamp that in all capital red letters, stamps "UNACCEPTABLE"!

(dick vitale voice) It's awesome baybee!  And it got me to thinking, who in the hell would use one of these things?  I mean, how God awful of a direct report do you have to be, to drive your manager so bat sh*t crazy with disgust at your job, that he or she not only rejects your work, they mark it in large block letters UNACCEPTABLE?  And more to the point, how God awful of an employee have you got to be, that some manager years ago, not only was so fed up with you they bought the stamp, but they convinced whoever the AA or PAA or insert your office secretary title's initials here, was, that it was a justifiable expense billable to the company?

Where has this thing been all of my life? 

* "I loved your post on the Indy 500.  Great stuff.  But seriously, Florence Henderson over Jim Nabors?  And "Taps"?  Are you insane?" -- Ryan J, Springfield.

Am I contractually obligated to answer the end of your question?  Because I'm not sure I want to know the answer.

As for the rest of it ... let's do this right.  Cue up whatever theme song Nick Bakay goes by nowadays, it's time for the "Tale O' The Tape"!!!!  Take it away, Mr. Bob Jenkins!!!!

(bob jenkins voice) Thanks, Stevo!  In this corner, from Indiana, everyone's favorite television mom, Carol Brady herself, Mrs. Florence Henderson!!!!  (crowd going wild!!!!)  And in this corner, from the lovely state of Hawaii, everyone's favorite mentally challenged Marine, Gomer Pyle himself, Mr. Gomer Pyle!!!!  (crowd going wild!!!!)  Lady and gentleman, you know the rules.  Seven questions, three possible answers, two indisputable contestants, and one amazing winner.  And now, to start the festivities, let's throw it down to the Bombardier Pagoda, where Jimmy Lennon Jr. will kick this off.  Mr. Lennon?


Thanks guys.  Here we go.

1. Played an iconic, well known television character that nobody under the age of 40, knows much about.

Ms. Henderson: yes, Carol Brady on "The Brady Bunch".
Mr. Pyle: yes, Gomer Pyle, on "The Andy Griffith Show" and "Gomer Pyle USMC".
Advantage: push.  They're the losers here.

2. Not only had an affair with the actor who portrayed her oldest son, but also an affair with former New York City mayor John Lindsay, which is where they claim they contracted their crab lice.

Ms. Henderson: hell yes.
Mr. Pyle: probably not.
Advantage: Ms. Henderson.  Sleazy, sure ... but sleaze sells.

3. Musical career best known for performing songs of the Christian faith.

Ms. Henderson: yup.
Mr. Pyle: yup.
Advantage: push.  We're all something here, depending on what your faith is.

4. Caused many of those religious folks who purchased their music to nearly choke to death in cardiac arrest, by revealing that not only are they gay, but they married their partner of thirty nine years.

Ms. Henderson: nope.
Mr. Pyle: yup.
Advantage: Mr. Pyle.  Good for him.

5. Was asked five minutes before performing their iconic number at Indy for the first time, to step in at the last minute and perform.  Forty two years later, they still have the gig.

Ms. Henderson: not that I am aware of.
Mr. Pyle: this is a true statement for.
Advantage: Mr. Pyle.  To nail that song like he has with no practice and no prep, is incredible.

6. Starred in the music video for the best song "Weird" Al Jankovic ever did, "Amish Paradise".

Ms. Henderson: ja.
Mr. Pyle: nein.
Advantage: Ms. Henderson.

Go figure, through six questions, we're all knotted up at two's across the board.  And now, Question Seven -- The Question of Great Significance.

7. Will still be performing their standard next year.

Ms. Henderson: yes.
Mr. Pyle: no.
Winner: Florence Henderson!!!!

Thanks for playing, everybody.  And ... hang on, let me do this right.

(howard lederer voice) Jim? 
(connie chung voice) Thanks for the memories

(In all seriousness, thank you IMS, for the awesome way, you sent Mr. Nabors out.)

* "Please tell me you're bringing back The "Insert Ounces Here" Ounce Tailgate this summer!  The last time we had one, your nieces were being baptised, it's been so long!" -- Chris N, Quality Hill.

Wow, has it really been since 2011 since we had one of these?  (good ol' jr voice) Good God Almighty!

I'll send this one to the Stevo's Site Numero Dos Sub-Committee on Fun Tailgating Opportunities, to allow for debate as to whether or not, to hold the ... hang on, the last one was 460,001 ... now I gotta think.  August 2011 to today, how many more ounces ... (scott parks voice) Oh God ... carry the four ... 700,001st Ounce Tailgate.

* "Wow.  700,001?  You're my hero." – Phil S, Overland Park.

The sad thing is, my Know Your Numbers health scan, came back with all normal numbers, save for my blood pressure.

And yes, that scares the crap out of me too.

* "So what do you really want to say?" -- Stevo, South KC.

That sometimes, people just aren't worth knowing anymore.

Five years ago, the person whose friendship with me, that was in ruins, that this tailgate was "established" by mutual friends of ours, to try to fix?  Was worth saving a friendship with.  Today?  He's not worth knowing, let alone remembering, let alone "honoring" with a tailgate.

It is what it is.  Sorry, but that's how I feel.  Deal with it.

(God, those last two sentences sound even more offensive and repulsive in print, than they do when said to your face.)

You all want a summer tailgate just because?  Let's do it; hit up the comments, hit up my email / Facebook / Twitter, and let's plan this.  Again -- Stevo Rules 8 and 15.  (And wow, does Stevo Rule 7 apply as well, as to this "tradition"'s founding.)

But to honor "that"?  

Never again.  

NEVER AGAIN.

* “How long until Aaron Murray is the starter at One Arrowhead Drive?” – Dustin H, Olathe.

Welcome to your Fake Mailbag debut, sir!  

And to answer your query, I’m setting the over / under at Week Four, 2017. 

And I’m taking the under.

By at least a year.

Speaking of over / under’s …

* “Ranking the tailgates by potential, that was cool.  But come on, there’s only one thing we want a ranking on – what’s the over / under in the “how many libations in will Stevo be when Gregg arrives” game!  Give the readers what they want!  Give us a Rich and Rare experience!” – Phill R, Shawnee.

No problem.  For those unfamiliar with this classy contest, it started back in 2007 on the old site (aka “The Herm”) as a joke in a recap of the Vikings game.  It’s caught on like legalizing weed is catching on.  The "game" is to guess how many libations in will I be, when Gregg arrives at the tailgate.  An over / under is set, and you guess "over" or "under".  I'd say there's some rich and rewarding prizes that await you if you're right, but there aren't.  Oh, and we're all winners here, with this contest.  (stevo's liver begging to disagree ...)

Preseason Week 1 vs Bengals: 2.5.  I’ll probably work at least a half day to avoid taking a PTO day (hooray exempt status!).  (My play: under.)

Preseason Week 3 vs Vikings: 10.5.  This factors in time spent floating in the pool, before heading out to Arrowhead.  (My play: over, slightly.  This one is gonna be close.)

Week 1 vs Titans: 4.5.  With the caveat that jello shots, alcohol-fused whipped cream shots, and straight up shots, do not count as a drink.  A drink must be consumed in more than one take.  (My play: over.)

Week 4 vs Patriots: 8.5 if The Voice of Reason works all day, 2.5 if he doesn’t.  (My play: over either way.)

Week 8 vs Rams: 5.5.  (My play: under.)

Week 9 vs Jets: 5.5.  (My play: over.  WAY over.)

Week 11 vs Seahawks: 3.5.  (My play: under.)

Week 13 vs broncos: 10.5 if no broncos fans are at our tailgate; 14.5 if even one donkeys fan is within 30 feet of where the Mixology Playlist © is playing.  (My play: over either way, especially if 14.5 is the official line due to that unfortunate potential development.)

Week 15 vs raiders: 5.5.  Unlike denver, I know raiders fans will be at our tailgate – at least six of them.  Ugh.  (My play: under.)

Week 17 vs Chargers: 7.5.  With the caveat that benchwarmers do count as a libation.  (My play: under.)

You’re welcome.

One last denver hating question …

* “So it’s basically KC or Denver for the 2016 RNC.” – Steve D, Blue Springs.

So allow me to answer this way, and I would say the same thing even if it was the DNC that Kansas City was seeking to land in 2016.  (Especially since, if the favorite for the Democrat nomination actually gets it this time, as she deserved it 5 ½ years ago, as a Clinton Democrat, I’m voting Democrat in November 2016, if she's the nominee.  Anyone else?  I'll probably vote for regime change.)

Kansas City?  For too damned long, we accept being the red-headed stepchild of that bastard city across the state known as St. Louis.  For too damned long, we accept being a second class citizen, an after-thought, the heart of fly-over country.

It is up to each and every one of us – conservative or liberal (or in my case, moderate), Republican or Democrat (or in my case, Independent that leans left a lot of the time), crazy or sane (let’s not answer that one, in my case) – we need this convention.  Just like the All Star Game two years ago put the focus of the nation on our fine metropolitan area?

The Republican National Convention will demand the nation, put its’ attention on our fine metropolitan area.

Plus, irregardless of which party is here, I have always wanted to see what a convention looks like.  I know, I know – I’m a political geek.  I’m Ezra Klein without the built-in bias … or the stature, salary, or prestige.  So be it.  But as someone who actually takes PTO to watch every moment of each party’s convention (and pathetically, I’d do the same if the Green Party, the Libertarian Party, or (Insert Party Here) Party, got CSPAN coverage), I’d be thrilled to see the RNC here in our fine home town.

And every establishment of commerce downtown – especially the one that controls this city at 11th and Oak – should be doing everything they can, to make that (chris matthews voice) thrill up my leg, happen.

* “How about that dude buying a trough from the Old Metrodome!  Your thoughts?” – Jason S, Olathe.

I loved it.  When I lived with The Champ, I lobbied for us to purchase and install one of the old urinals from the K or Arrowhead.  Needless to say, that never happened.

Oh, and we’re in range.

* “Did you see this awesome article on Deadspin?  Thoughts?  Opinions?" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

Saw it, read it, loved it.  If only because the author and I share the same mentality most of the time.

But mostly I loved it, because it's the exact opposite of what most people's reaction to our nation's latest tragic shooting has been.

What, I ask, is so damned wrong with stating the obvious?  That if you make a decision, you have to own every element of it -- good or bad, right or wrong, pleasurable or painful?  Have we really so collapsed as a society that nobody feels the need to engage in a thing called "personal responsibility" anymore?

Like it or not, there is such as a thing as absolute right and wrong, and it is based on morality, not how something makes you feel.  Stop blaming movies, or portrayals of white dudes in them.  Stop blaming TV shows, music, or pop culture influences.  Start blaming the perpetrators, who commit these acts.

Elliot Rodger did this because he was a selfish asshole who didn't give a damn how his actions impacted anyone else, all that mattered to him was how his behavior, his decision, his choice, would make him feel.  And now seven people, six of whom didn't deserve to die, are dead, because of his decision.  That isn't the victim's fault; it's his.

Until people in this country once again own their failures, own their mistakes, own the outcomes of their actions, things are only going to keep getting much, much worse.  

* "Two months later, you're still OK with the "HIMYM" finale?  Really?" -- Shannon T, Hyde Park.

If anything, I'm more firmly dug in.  I defend every word in that post that is not improperly conjugated, or properly spelled.  And even those?  Come on, they're par for the course on this site!

Was my favorite scene of that episode Ted and Tracy finally "meeting" for the first time?  Of COURSE it was.  Did I cry like a baby seal seeking that fish that mean, mean trainer is withholding from him at some craptacular show at SeaWorld San Antonio?  Of COURSE I did.

Does that mean the ending wasn't the right one?  Of COURSE it doesn't.

"HIMYM" isn't the first show I loved, to kill off a main character at the end of said character's run.  "NYPD Blue" offed Bobby Simone (sadly) and Danny Sorenson (thank God above).  And nobody's figured out in twenty one years what the hell coffee shop Sgt. Licalsi vanished into thin air in.  "Roseanne" killed off Dan Conner.  "Good Times" killed off James Sr.  "The Wonder Years" not only killed off Kevin's father, Kevin and Winnie never wound up together!  At least we got Ted and Robin out of this!   Be grateful, "Mother" fans!

* "Really?  SeaWorld San Antonio?  I can only guess why." -- Julie T, KC Metro Area.

Anytime you can have a group of friends, on a senior trip, a thousand miles from home, with one of them armed with a camcorder and an incredibly awesome sarcastic sense of humor ...

... and anytime that group of friends, is leaving said SeaWorld San Antonio, with said camcorder, in said smart ass' possession, and turned on ...

... and any time a (and no -- this is NOT an exaggeration), any time a 400 lb black woman in very revealing white shorts, white tank top (neither of which come close to covering anything any straight man or gay woman would want to see), pushing a stroller with multiple kids, waddling towards the exit ...

... any time said smart ass, with said camcorder, with said friends, who all spot said patron at the SeaWorld in San Antonio, in that getup ...

... any time that said smart ass can deadpan, on the fly, again -- at SeaWorld San Antonio! -- anytime he can deadpan on the fly "even Shamu has left the building!"?

(Pause).  Do I even have to say it?

Yup ... these are my "readers".

(And for the record, that last "email" is not only a one hundred percent true story, a couple years afterwards, G hauled it out for us to rewatch ... and there wasn't a dry eye in the house, we were all crying so hard, at the visual, the memory, and the times we had that week in south Texas.)

(Oh, and for the record?  "Shamu" heard the comment.  It just added to the hilarity of the moment.)

And since that demands I close on one slightly final last note ... and since this is a fake mailbag ...


* "Texas Forever." -- Tim R, Dillon, TX.

If you understand why those two words truly matter (hint: they have NOTHING to do with the great state of Texas)?  

Amen brother.  A bleeping men ...

--------------------

OK, I choose NOT to close, with that either.  I had planned to.  I finished "The Fake Mailbag" on the ride home tonight.  

And I chose to stop off in Waldo, because (a) today sucked, because (b) I needed necessities of life, and between the Target at Ward Parkway, and the CVS and Walgreens and Dollar General at that slice of heaven known as 75th and Wornall, between them all, you can get everything you need (even liquor!)

But mostly because sometimes, life just happens.  I gave two friends I once cared about more than certain members of my family, one last chance last weekend.  They told me to go (bleep) myself.  So be it; that's their legacy.

And what tonight means, I don't know ... but, here's the truest of true "emails" -- since it was the best actual conversation, my life has gotten to enjoy, in a really, really, really, really, really long godd*mned time ...

--------------------

* "Hi!  What can I get for you?" -- Meg(h)an, who to bastardize the great Dan Dierdorf, did NOT look happy, to be there.
"Double vodka tonic, two limes please." -- me.
"Rough day?" -- Meg(h)an.
"Yeah, but it happens.  It's audit, it's a crappy job, it's ... (pause).  Who gives a sh*t about that.  How was your (day)?  You look kind of down." -- me.
"Really bad.  (starts crying.)  My boyfriend dumped me last night." -- Meg(h)an.
"Really?  What the hell's wrong with that guy?" -- me.
"Aw!  That's really sweet of you!" -- Meg(h)an.
(awkward pause).
"Hey, can you tab us out?" -- the only other two people in the bar.
"Sure, just a moment." -- Meg(h)an.
(to myself) "Don't p*ss this away.  Don't be Stevo.  Do NOT be Stevo!" -- me (to myself).
(pause as she returns).
"So, just you and me now, huh?  Well, you had a bad day; I'll understand if you just want to drink.  Just let me know when you need a fresh one." -- Meg(h)an.
"Don't be stupid.  I'd love to talk to you." -- me.
(awkward pause).
"Hi.  I'm Steve." -- me.
"I'm Meg(h)an" -- her.
"It's really nice to meet you." -- me.
"You too.  You know ... (pauses, and stevo panics ...)  you know, you look really nice, every time you come in.  And you tip well!  What do you do (for work)?" -- her, beginning the conversation ...

--------------------

That conversation, peoples and peepettes ... occurred tonight, on the way home from work.

I know her name is Meg(h)an.  I'd be lying if I knew the spelling of her name, but I figure there's an M, an E, an A, and a N in there.  (Pause).  Come on, even "Wheel of Fortune" would give me three more consonants, and a vowel, to guess!

I know she is a bartender at my favorite bar in town, and hasn't been there super long ... but I stepped up my frequency from maybe once a week, to two or three times a week (boy, that sounds "classy", doesn't it?) once she started.  I'm guessing, she's mid 20s.  And I don't have to guess, that looks wise, she knocks every damned Stevo statistic to (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base.

Where this goes, noone knows.  But damn, is she cute, and damn, is she funny, and damn, does she not immediately draw me in in a way, few girls ever have.

And damn, if even my gutless chicken sh*t coward exit, didn't blow up in my face ...

--------------------

Her shift ended at 6, the replacement bartender was late, and I had a bus to catch to get home, to do work on said audit (which is almost over!  Wohoo!)

There was nobody at the bar to close out the tab.  I had a $20 on me, for $6 in double vodka tonics.  

And I needed to mosey; for once, the 6pm Metro ride was on time.

So I did what any classy gentleman would do ...

--------------------

"Thank you for letting me get to know you.  And thank you for being you.  Your boyfriend is a (bleeping) idiot, for letting you go.  Use the tip to get over him.  Hope to see you soon.

Then I signed said napkin, I wrote that on, on top of the $20 I left for the tab, and prepped to leave.

I didn't leave a phone number though.

That seemed classless, on a day like this, for her.

--------------------

Do y'all remember that classic "HIMYM" episode, where Ted plans (and executes) the "two minute date" on Stella?

My exit from said bar tonight:

"thank you Steve!  Thanks for letting me vent." -- meg(h)an.
"not a problem." -- me.
"hope to see ya soon.  (pause).  I like you." -- meg(h)an.
(for once, not utterly clueless ... just partially.) -- me.
"you working tomorrow?" -- me.
"yeah, until 6." -- her.
"then I'll see you tomorrow." -- me.
"I'd better!" -- me.
(cue the first hug).

--------------------

For the record?

My brother married his neighborhood bartender nine years ago come July ... and hasn't regretted it for a moment.

And for the record?

Even if this is a one-off, one-night deal, that leads to me threatening patrons of said bar for five minutes of time with this chica?

For the first time in pushing five years, I've met a girl I am looking forward, to being in the presence of, for something other than a friendship.

If you had told me that when I woke up this morning?

I'd have laughed myself back to sleep ...

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

stevo predicts his favorite race ...


--------------------

Let me start by saying this, and for once, I don’t think it’s a controversial statement, I don’t think there’s even a 0.000000001% I am wrong, and every person who reads this, that has been, will nod in agreement at what I am about to type.

And it is this.

If you have never been to the Indianapolis 500?  You have no idea, what you have missed.

If you ever have been to the Indianapolis 500?  Even once?  You wish to God you could get back, just one more time.

I haven’t been “Back Home Again in Indiana” since 2008, and sadly, I doubt I’m going this year too.  (Although, in my defense, it wouldn’t be the most ridiculous, last minute (fidelity ad guy voice) “why not?” road trip of my lifetime.)

The 98th running of the greatest spectacle in motorsports, is the end of quite a few eras, a few careers at least in part, shaped by this event.  In March, the great Jim Nabors, known to my generation as the dude who shows up once a year to move you to tears with his incredible rendition of “Back Home Again in Indiana”, and known to my parent’s generation as Gomer Pyle, announced this would be his final time performing his standard*.  In the words of the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA): “you can bet your ass”, I’ll be bawling like a newborn baby, the whole time his final performance goes down, come about 10:45am CT Sunday, give or take two minutes.

Earlier this week, ESPN.com columnist Ed Hinton (who, in the interest of full disclosure, is not only my favorite motorsports journalist, he’s one of my four or five favorite journalists period) announced via his opening piece from Indy, that this is his final 500 as well.

This year also saw the end of my favorite qualifying procedure in motorsports.  I used to love the multi-weekend format.  Qualify 1-11 on Day One**.  Qualify 12-22 on Day Two.  Qualify 23-33 on Day Three.  And then Billy Boat*** Memorial Bump Day, to close the festivities down.  I always felt it not only lent Indy a certain credence (you spent the entire freaking month just qualifying the field!), but I felt it actually made the entire field better.  You had better races, start to finish, with that qualifying procedure … because someone who qualified on Day One in the 11th position?

Could be the first one booted from the field****, on Billy Boat Memorial Bump Day, if the conditions were right.

Sadly, Indy’s now gone to a one weekend format, and this ridiculous Super Nine idea, which at least retains the notion that anyone can get the pole at any given time … but it also relegates every slot 10-33 as an afterthought*****.  Sad, really.

--------------------

(*: on second thought?  This one gets its own legitimate paragraph.  Other footnotes from the above stanza, appear below this.)

The Indy 500 Prerace, quite honestly folks, is what makes the race.  And there are five moments in the Prerace Ceremonies, guaranteed to make me either (a) boo mercilessly, (b) literally shake with chills at how cool and awesome, the moment is, (c) turn to whoever’s sitting next to me, and note “it’s a lil’ bit dusty here in the Southeast Vista today”, or (d) laugh hysterically until I’m crying again, from laughing so hard.  And those moments, in reverse order from my least to most favorite, are as follow.

(Should probably also note, if you’ve never been to the 500?  You’ve never witnessed two of these, because stupid dumb (bleep) ABC doesn’t air the audio for numero cuatro, and they always, for some idiotic, indefensible reason, cut to commercial for moment numero uno.)

5. 403 year old Mari Hulman George, taking the microphone, and somehow, someway, managing to say six words.  “Ladies ... (long pause) … and … (long pause) … gentlemen?  (long pause).  Start … (long pause) your ENGINES!”  Then everyone bursts out into applause, Ms. Hulman George gives a fist pump, and she’s immediately moved back to the county-run elderly facility she’s stashed in for 364 days a year.  (Again, I jest, IMS officials, I jest.)  This is the moment that make me laugh hysterically, until I’m crying again, from laughing so hard.  The way she says ENGINES!?  Is to die for.

4. 300,000 plus fans mercilessly – and I mean mercilessly – booing former “Survivor” contest Rupert.  Every year, dude shows up in his tie-dye tank top, looking even more homeless than he usually does.  Every year, he hops in the back of the pick-up truck carrying various “celebrities in attendance” around the track for the fans to warmly greet.  Every year, he waves his hand to acknowledge the crowd … and every year, he is booed, by damned near every fan in attendance.  Dude?  Your fifteen minutes of fame, expired fifteen seasons of “Survivor” ago.  (This is the moment guaranteed, to make me boo mercilessly.)

3. Every bit of “Back Home Again in Indiana”, but most especially, the moment when Mr. Nabors hits the next to last line (“when I dream about the moonlight on the Wabash”), and millions upon millions of red, white, and blue balloons, are launched, and float harmlessly upward, and northward, over the Northwest Vista, over the Paddock Box, over Turn Four, towards the Coke Lots and onward.  (This is the moment guaranteed, to make me turn to whoever’s sitting next to me, and note “you know, it got a lil’ bit dusty here in the Southeast Vista all of a sudden, didn’t it?”) 

And for the record, Dusty laughed out loud at seeing me cry during this song, when we went to the 500 eight years ago.  In his defense?  If it was ANY other moment, at ANY other race, that DIDN’T involve Kasey Kahne or Sebastian Bourdais winning?  I’d be mocking myself too.

2. “Taps”.  That “Taps” ranks second, is just how jaw-dropping incredible, the moment ABC never airs is, because let me tell you folks who’ve never been to Indy, a little secret: when that sole trumpeter from the Purdue Marching Band hits the first three notes of “Taps”?

Dead silence.

You know what 300,000 plus, not saying a word, simply focusing on the annual tribute to those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice for our country, as the names of those with ties to Indiana are shown on the various video monitors around the track, do you know what that feels like?

Chill.  It’s just … chill.

1. Florence Henderson performing “God Bless America”.  This always comes between “Taps” and “Back Home Again in Indiana”, hence ABC saying “no thanks” to a patriotic tribute, in favor of some craptacular commercial for McDonalds and Discount Tire and Wheels.

I refuse to link a Youtube! link to any of the above moments?  Because every person, should experience all of them at least once, in person.

(And your honorable mention?  6am sharp, when the single loudest pee-your-pants explosion you'll ever hear, if you're within a mile of IMS, occurs, as the cannon to signify the opening of the day's events, explodes.  Trust me -- the first time you hear it?  You will struggle to not pee your pants.)

--------------------

(**: with bumping every day, once eleven qualifying times, were established.  This might be the most genius qualifying system ever developed, and Indy just chucked it to the curb.  Kind of like Tony George.  Sad times.)

(***: so-named because it seemed every damned year, Billy Boat – number 98 in your programs, of the CURB something team – was on the bump line.  And every year, just like the great Wayne “Rasputin” Fontes, Mr. Boat somehow managed to hold onto his job … and the last spot in the field.)

(****: case in point, 2005, when my favorite driver of all time, Kenny Brack, ran the fastest qualifying time in the field … and started 23rd.)

(*****: also from 2005, and it’s a classic, one of those great “f*ck you!” moments in life that I’d like to give to a few people at this point.  Arie Luyendyk has fielded a ride for his kid, and Junior is sitting in the 33rd and final spot in the field.  Enter the great Anthony Joseph Foyt Junior, whose despise for Arie Luyendyk was so legendary, they literally brawled in victory lane, after the 1997 night race at Texas.  (True story, kids – a brawl in victory lane by two Indy 500 champions.  God above, I miss the “glory days” of the IRL.)  Anyway, AJ decides he can bump Arie Junior from the field, and screw the Luyendyk’s out of any payday at Indy.  But … he needs a driver to do it. 

It just so happened, that a former driver of his was shopping at a Babies R Us come about 4pm (with the final gun sounding at 6pm) in the greater Indianapolis area, so AJ arranged to get the (never) great Felipe Giaffoni driven to the Speedway, somehow got him through a physical, got a car through inspection, and easily bumped the Luyendyk’s into the scrap heap of history.

I suppose it goes without saying, the 2005 Indianapolis 500?  Is my favorite Indy ever.  Not the best – but my favorite.)

--------------------

This year’s race, on paper, is shaping up to be the best one since the best Indy 500 of my lifetime, 2006.  When not one, not two, but three lead changes in the final five laps, including the first time the winner was not leading the race exiting the short chute in Turn Four.  Michael Andretti led with four to go, Marco Andretti – in his first 500 to boot – entered Lap 200 poised to do something in his first try, his legendary father failed to do, in twenty.

And Sam Hornish Jr., the best driver not named Tony Stewart the IRL ever produced, outdueling both Andretti’s, to take the checkered flag.

In the field this year, you have six former winners – the usual suspects of Helio Castroneves, Scott Dixon, Tony Kanaan (your defending champ), and Buddy Lazier – but also two throwback champs: 1995 champion Jacques Villanueve (the 1995 race was the last 500, before the split), and your 2000 champion Juan Pablo Montoya, who dominated Indy that day in a way no driver ever has before or since.

Along with those six former champs (at least four of which have a credible shot at the Borg-Warner), my God is this field loaded with potential first-time winners.  My favorite open  wheel driver still racing, Sebastian Bourdais.  Graham Rahal and Marco Andretti following in their legendary fathers’ footsteps.  Justin Wilson, Oriol Servio, James Hinchcliffe, Ryan Hunter-Reay (another Stevo favorite), Will Power, and Ryan Briscoe.

You have Kurt Busch attempting The Double*, the first driver to do so in ages.

And you have, for the second straight year, your pole sitter, Ed Carpenter – perhaps best known, as the only relative affiliated with Tony George, that IMS officials don’t immediately seek, to have forcibly removed from the grounds.

(It’s a joke, IMS officials.  But come on, be honest – we all know if Anton shows up, he’s not leaving voluntarily.)

So, let me offer up my predictions, 33 to 1, of this year’s finish to your, Indy 500.

--------------------

(*: The Double: a driver running both the Indianapolis 500, and the Coca Cola 600, in the same day.  Only one driver has ever done it, and finished in the top five in both races.  That driver?  The man who, in my (rarely) humble opinion, is the single best racing talent of the last thirty years, Tony Stewart (in 2000).

--------------------

(Key: Finish.  (Starting Position.)  Driver, Car No, Team/Sponsor.  Comments.)

--------------------

33. (31).  Sage Karam, 22, Dreyer and Reinbold Kingdom Racing.  This, friends, has the making of an epic, horrific disaster written all over it.  A rookie driver, in Dreyer and Reinbold racing equipment, starting in the last row (meaning either (a) he’s going to foolishly try to charge forward, and cause a serious wreck, or (b) he’s going to get lapped inside of the first five minutes, and cause a serious wreck in the second half of the race). 

32. (29).  Martin Plowman, 41, AJ Foyt Enterprises.  Not only – not only! – is this untested rookie driving for AJ Foyt Enterprises?  And not only – not only! – is this untested rookie driving for AJ Foyt Enterprises in Larry Foyt’s old ride?  His last name is Plowman!  Has ANY driver EVER been more properly named, to drive for a team run by Larry Foyt?

(“The Voice of Reason” would have to confirm which year this was – I’m thinking 2005, but it may have been 2004 – when Larry Foyt (predictably) wrecked the 41 mobile in the first few laps in a horrific crash caused by (go figure) driver stupidity.  Let’s just say, AJ Foyt, on the team communications channel?  Was NOT in a good mood.  And Larry Foyt, wisely I would add?  Simply refused to even confirm to AJ, he was still alive.  AJ Foyt Enterprises – more dysfunctional than Eddie Cheever Red Bull Racing back in the day!!!!!!!)

31. (26).  Charlie Kimball, 83, Chip Ganassi Racing.  Ganassi’s been off all month – none of their guys qualified in the in the Fast Nine, for crying out loud.  Even Sarah Fisher managed to land a driver in the Fast Nine.  Kimball’s the “worst” of the Ganassi drivers (which really is an insult to Chuck; he’s not half bad).  Smells like a blown engine part on Lap 22 from here.


30. (32).  Sebastian Saavedra, 17, KV Racing Technology.  I have never heard of this dude, which means he's your probable (aka "predictable") "competition yellow" wreck on lap 32 or 33.

29. (23).  Takuma Sato, 14, AJ Foyt Enterprises.  Further disgracing the legacy of the 14, that AJ and Tony Stewart worked so damned hard, to establish.  Having noted that, if you watched last weekend's coverage of qualifying, how cool was it to see Allen Bestwick (a damned good announcer who keeps getting shafted by every network) nearly cry on-air, in describing to Eddie Cheever and Scott Goodyear, how excited he was, to finally not just attend a 500, but call the play-by-play?  The room got a lil' dusty watching that.  I love announcers who are just fans and kids at heart.  This is gonna be a fun race, to hear the call for.

28. (8).  Josef Newgarden, 67, Sarah Fisher Hartman Racing.  Two words: Sarah, and Fisher.

27. (28).  James Davison, 33, KV Racing Technology.  Your leading candidate for the second "competition yellow" wreck, about lap 60.

26. (27).  Jacques Villanueve, 5, Schmidt Peterson Motorsports.  It's a great story, but the engine isn't there, the on-track time this year isn't there ... and there's only one former champion charging from the last three rows, to reach the top ten this year ... and it ain't Mr. Villanueve.

25. (21).  Carlos Huertas, 18, Dale Coyne Racing.  Rookies rarely do well at Indy.  

24. (24).  Alex Tagliani, Sarah Fisher Hartman Racing.  I like Alex.  This smells like the grizzled ol' wily veteran who finishes three laps down ... but finishes still on the track.

23. (13).  Jack Hawksworth, 98, Brian Hurta Autosport.  Holy crap, it's the old Billy Boat CURB Mobile!!!!!  How the hell did I pick him to finish this high?!?!?!  Am I high?  Am I drunk?  Wait -- don't ask those questions, please.  There's at least a coin flip probability, one of the two, is true.

22. (15).  Mikhail Aleshin, 7, Schmidt Peterson Hamilton Motorsports.  Who?

21. (2).  James Hinchliffe, 27, Andretti Autosport.  The first Joey Lawrence Memorial "Whoa!" prediction.  Just a gut feeling.  Someone from Andretti's five entries is bound to struggle.

20. (25).  Townsend Bell, 6, KV Racing Technology.  We're almost -- not quite, but almost -- to the point where every driver left, I can envision winning this race.  That's how deep the field is this year.  No Robbie MacGhee or George Mack or (paul page voice) FELIPE GIAFFONE!'s in this field.

19. (30).  Ryan Briscoe, 8, Chip Ganassi Racing.  If Ganassi wasn't so down this year, I'd say this is the point, where every driver remaining, I can envision winning.  But we're not quite there yet.

18. (7).  Carlos Munoz, 34, Andretti Autosport.  And we're there.  Out of the seventeen remaining drivers, is going to come your champion.

17. (22).  Pippa Mann, 63, Dale Coyne Racing.  Do NOT sleep on this chica.  Sleep with her?  Sure, I would.  Then again, I've shared a fun-filled night with a stripper, a cripple, and a chick with a mustache, so I clearly have no discernable standards.  But sleep ON her chances of winning this thing?  Don't dream of it.  This chick has ridiculous talent.

16. (3).  Will Power, 3, Team Penske.  He rarely runs well at Indy.

15. (12).  Kurt Busch, 26, Andretti Autosport.  The one entry in the field, I have no idea, what to expect from.  In the interest of full disclosure ... and pathetically, my close friends can confirm this is a true, factual statement ... I gave up Miller Lite (which was my beer of choice) after the 2005 NASCAR season, because Kurt Busch took over for Rusty Wallace in the Blue Deuce.  I hate Kurt Busch with a passion.  Having said that, I want anything and everything to happen, to make the Indy 500 a national event again, on par with the Coke 600 airing three hours later.  If that means Kurt Busch finishes higher than middle of the pack?  I'm rooting for it.  But if he wrecks on lap 18?  I'm not shedding any tears.

14. (5).  Simon Pagenaud, Schmidt Peterson Hamilton Motorsports.  It would be such a much cooler name, if it was Crane, Poole, and Schmidt, instead of Schmidt, Peterson, and Hamilton.

13. (14).  Justin Wilson, 19, Dale Coyne Racing.  I love this kid.  If this is a wreck-filled marathon?  He can emerge as the last man standing.  If this is a relatively green flag race?  He's looking at finishing a lap down.

12. (16).  Tony Kanaan, 10, Chip Ganassi Racing.  Your defending champ (and congrats -- I loved finally seeing him break through last year).  He's so talented, he'll overcome Ganassi's issues, and finish at the tail end of the lead lap, or as the first car a lap down.

11. (11).  Scott Dixon, 9, Chip Ganassi Racing.  See my comments about Tony Kanaan, and lather, rinse, repeat.

And so, we reach the Top Ten.  I freely admit, two of the picks for the top ten, are pure bias ... and one of them, will have you laughing out loud, until I go "inside the numbers" a bit, for said pick.  

Still standing for the chance to do what I wouldn't do in a million years, and chug a gallon of milk in the winners circle*?  The drivers starting 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th, 10th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th ...

... and 33rd.

(bud light ad guy voice) Here we go ...

--------------------

(*: this is an abject "fertilizer" lie.  Yes, I am lactose intolerant.  Yes, even the smell of milk, makes me need to puke.  But if I ever won the Indy 500?  I'd chug that carafe like it had the finest vodka tonic ever made, inside of it.)

--------------------

10. (18).  Oriol Servia, Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing.  It's been ten years since a Rahal Letterman racer came out of nowhere, to win this event (Buddy Rice, 2004).  It's been nine years, since a Rahal Letterman rookie racer came out of nowhere, to take the lead from Dan Wheldon on the restart on lap 189, sparking the single loudest noise I've ever heard in my life -- 300,000 plus fans realizing all at once, "holy sh*t, a chica might win this race!!!!"  (That would be Danica Patrick in 2005).  Since then?  Not much relevance for the Rahal Letterman folks.  (And yes, "Letterman" is David Letterman, an Indiana native, gigantic racing fan, and always in attendance, "observing" in one of his drivers' pit boxes.)

My favorite driver, in any circuit, of all time, is Kenny Brack.  I had the opportunity to meet him after the 2004 Truck race at Kansas*, not even eight months after I was convinced I'd just watched him die, in the most horrific wreck I've ever seen, in the season finale at Texas.  I'll always be grateful to Bobby Rahal and David Letterman, for giving him one final shot at repeating the glory of 1999, in that 2005 race.

--------------------

(*: I really wish I still had that pic.  It is me at my, uuh, finest.  Which of the following was NOT true about that picture?  

(a) a shirtless Stevo.
(b) a double-fisting Stevo.
(c) a very "holy crap, this guy is LOADED!" look on Kenny Brack's face.
(d) "The Voice of Reason".

The answer?  (d).  He took the picture.  Trust me -- to this day, just thinking about that pic, I laugh out loud, I was so freaking hammered.  Then again, considering I was the only person at that truck race, to recognize Mr. Brack from 500 feet away, somehow stumble in his direction, coherently explain how big a fan of his I was, and would he mind taking a picture with me?  We're ALL winners here!)

--------------------

9. (20).  Graham Rahal, 15, Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing.  I'm not sure which memory of Mr. Rahal's father and team owner -- and your 1986 winner of this event -- is funnier.  Bobby Rahal driving, and doing commercials, for the "Sleep Cheap!" mobile (aka Super 8) ... or the hysterical fan in 1991, when Rahal got bumped out of the race, who had a gigantic cardboard cutout of Bobby, with the caption "will race for food!" attached to it.  I'm telling you, Indy fans are the best.

8. (1).  Ed Carpenter, 20, Ed Carpenter Racing.  The safest prediction I'll make all weekend: if Ed Carpenter is leading this race with ten to go (and there's at least a decent chance of that occurring)?  Something will happen, to cause a caution, bunch the field together, and screw him over.  (Again, I kid, I kid, IMS officials ... allegedly.)  Because there isn't a chance in hell, the current controlling interest of the Speedway, is going to let Tony George's (step)son, win this race.

7. (17).  Sebastien Bourdais, 11, KV Racing Technology.  There is no bigger fan of Mr. Bourdais, than myself.  

6. (4).  Helio Castroneves, 3, Team Penske.  A win here, ties Helio with AJ Foyt and Rick Mears all-time, as the most successful driver at Indy, with four race victories.  You'd be foolish to bet against it.  

--------------------

And then there were five.  The drivers starting 6th, 9th, 10th, 19th ...

... and 33rd.

--------------------

5. (33).  Buddy Lazier, 91, Lazier Partners Racing.  OK, before you call Two Rivers or Charter on me, here's the deal.  Buddy Lazier is an all or nothing prop bet.

This is his 18th start at Indy.  In the previous 17 years, he has started in the front 11 four times, the middle 11 once, and the last 11 twelve times.

He has 6 top 11 finishes, 7 middle 11 finishes, and only 4 bottom 11 finishes.

Let that sink in.

12 times he's started in row four or worse ... and 13 times, he's finished in row four, or better, including including six -- six! -- top SEVEN finishes.

If you're looking for a long-shot, "throw a $20 on a potentially profitable wager" proposition for this race? 

You can do a helluva lot worse, than Buddy Lazier.

4. (9).  JR Hildebrand, 21, Ed Carpenter Racing.  So close, yet so far away, in 2011.  Don't sleep on this kid.

3. (19).  Ryan Hunter-Reay, 19, Andretti Autosport.  God, I want to pick this guy to win.  But I just can't pull the trigger.

2. (6).  Marco Andretti, 25, Andretti Autosport.  Could this race end any more fittingly, than with Andretti finishing 2-3, to Penske?  I say no.  

1. (10).  Juan Pablo Montoya, 2, Team Penske.  I know it's been fourteen years ... but I cannot erase the visual of how dominant Montoya was, for Penske, in 2000.  The great ones always -- always -- have two big wins in them.  This will be Montoya's day.

Winner: Juan Pablo Montoya.

--------------------

One final note:

Sunday marks the "official" opening of pool season, and any friend of mine, is always welcome to enjoy the pool, some Stevo-style vodka tonics, The Beer Machine, or The Deck ... where I plan to watch the racing action from (at least) Indy and Charlotte Sunday, and (if I am upright and ambulatory early enough) Monaco as well.

But Sunday is gonna be a bittersweet one for me, as I'll be spending the Holiest Day of Racing watching it with the biggest racing fan I know, my buddy Gus ... and this is likely to be, his last Trifecta Sunday.

Cancer is kicking his ass eight ways from Sunday right now.  As he put it in an email to me earlier this week, when I asked how the radiation was going, "if you couldn't understand (what I'm saying) after a few beers?  You really can't understand (what I'm saying) now!"  Then his typical "ha ha ha!", to let you know it was a joke.

I really and truly hope, this isn't the last time, I'll spend the final Sunday in May, watching a day of racing with my friend.  But if it is?

Please, dear God -- every God there ever was, there ever is, there ever will be, and the universe entire -- please, let there be three epic finishes, from the south of France, to the heart of America, to the heart of North Carolina, on this Sunday.

Because I'm kicking his ass right now in our Annual (Racing) Bet.

And I want my friend there, to pay off the hefty tab, at the annual event the Double holds to benefit REAP (Raytown Emergency Assistance Program -- it's a non-profit that pays bills for those in Raytown who can't, for whatever the tragic reasons, as best the charity can pay them, for those far less blessed in this amazing gift called life, than you and I), come mid December ...

... to say nothing of wanting him there, for the Duels in mid February, when the Annual (Racing) Bet, gets modified as need be ...

week twelve picks

The Statisticals. Last Week SU: 8-6-0. Season to Date SU: 98-62-1. Last Week ATS: 7-7-0. Season to Date ATS: 75-80-6. Last Week Upset / ...