Thursday, June 19, 2014

big brother 16 power poll 1.0

Proved too much for the man.
(Too much for the man!)
He couldn't make it,
So he's leaving a life,
He's come to know,

(He said he's goin')
He said he's goin' back to find,
(Goin' back to find!)
What's left of his world.
A world he left behind?
Not so long ago ...

Oooh ...

He's leavin'!  (Leavin!)
On that midnight train to Georgia!
(Leavin' on a midnight train!)

Says he's goin' back?
(Goin' back to find!)
A simpler place in time!

And I'll be with him!
(I know you will!)
On that midnight train to Georgia!

(Leavin' on a midnight train to Georgia!)

Ooh ooh!
(Because) I'd rather live in his world?
Than live without him?
In mine ...

-- "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips ... and so epically covered by the "American Idol Champ That Should Have Been", Crystal Bowersox, in season nine.  Go figure -- "Idol" has lost virtually all relevancy, since she finished second, in a season she dominated ...


Wow, are we really just six days away from the season premiere of "Big Brother"?  We are?  Suh-weet!

So let's knock out the first power poll of the season for my favorite reality show.  As always, since this is the only reality show I would ever want to appear on, I'll answer the houseguests questionaire ... then rank these assorted flotsam, jetsam, and riff-raff of humanity, on how they appear to me at first glance, based on how they'll fit into the house.


First, the questionaire:

* Name: Stevo.
* Hometown: Kansas City.
* Current City: Kansas City.
* Occupation: Pooling and Captive Specialist*.
* Three adjectives that describe you: laid-back, loyal, "special".
* Favorite activities: floating in the pool, tailgating, anything Chiefs or NBA related, spoiling my nephew and nieces, spending good times with good friends while enjoying some good libations -- ideally a bottle of something red, to close a Sunday on the deck, down in style.
* What do you think will be the most difficult part about living inside the "Big Brother" house: somehow avoiding making a total and complete drunken, degenerate asshat out of myself on national television.
* Do you have a strategy for winning "Big Brother": not entering the house, no.
* Which past "Big Brother" houseguest(s) did you like the most: (a) Memphis from season ten, (b) Jason from season three, (c) Jeff from season eleven.
* (Bonus!) Which past "Big Brother" houseguest(s) did you like the least: (a) Chima from season eleven, (b) Danielle from season two three, and the all-star season.
* What are you afraid of: heights, earthquakes, and vermin ... not necessarily in that order.  (Hint: numero dos in that list, is my biggest fear.)
* What is the accomplishment you are most proud of: I have yet to receive a call from a show-runner for "The Maury Show", asking me to appear as a guest on that fine, reputable, classy talk show.
* Finish this sentence: my life's motto is ... (a) "No shoes?  No shirt?  No problem!", (b) "I don't wanna be anything other than me."
* What you would take into the house and why: (a) my iPod (because I'd lose whatever last semblance of sanity I have left, without music, (b) my Birkenstocks (even Cliff Clavin knew, the secret to life, is a comfortable pair of shoes,, (c) a five gallon drum full of Polar Ice vodka (and just to be safe ... I might have to roll two of those bad boys in.).
* What would you do if "Big Brother" made you famous: nothing I don't already do.  I'd just have $500,000 more reasons, to do them.

(*: this is my official title.  And no, I have no bleeping clue, what the hell a "pooling and captive specialist" is.  But admit it -- it sounds kinda neat, right?)


Second, the Big Brother 16 Power Poll 1.0!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As always, these rankings are completely subjective.  Since all I have to go on before the season starts is a photo and the questionaire, the preseason rankings are likely to change considerably when version 2.0 comes out.  Oh, and just because someone is ranked first overall, does not necessarily mean they're my favorite contestant overall; it just means they were my favorite contestant for the period that version of the poll, is ranking.

16. Jocasta. 

My early nominee for the "token black chick who hates all things whitey" in this year's collection of refuse known as "houseguests".  She lists the detestable Rachel as her favorite houseguest (although in fairness, Brendon has turned out to be far more repulsive, than Rachel is).  She lists her occupation as a minister.  And she claims she was fired because she was on bed rest for half of her first pregnancy.  (And she's proud she sued and got her job back.)  Uuh, yeah.  Does this sound like someone likely to (bob eubanks voice) make drunken whoopie on "BB After Dark"? 

15. Paola. 

I know, I know – guys?  She’s not bad looking.  Hell, she’s without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – better looking than 99.48% of the women who live in Paola, Kansas.  (My apologies to the two people who might read this, who claim Paola, Kansas, as a hometown.  Your wife, sir?  Is the 0.52%.)

But the answers to the questions?  As much as “token black chick angry at whitey” bugs me on this show?  I have a feeling this chica is going to be the one (if she lasts long enough) that reminds me of Chima.  She describes herself as impatient, feels dealing with different personalities will be her biggest challenge, her strategory for success is “to not be myself so much”, and her answer if BB 16 makes her famous?

“I hope that I would gain more social media followers.”

Dios con mio.

The only thing – the only thing! – saving her from opening in the cellar, is her last name (Shea) … which just so happens to be the name my first-born son will have, someday*.  

(*: ok, fine, that probably will never happen; like Paola, I too am “frightened by commitment” ... if only because anyone willing to date me seriously?  Probably has serious problems.  

But I think I’ve said this before, so I’ll say it again: if I ever have kids (and God help those poor innocent souls if the condom ever fails), a boy will be Shea Marcus, a girl will be Bailey Nicole.  There’s your random “what the hell does that have to do with anything?” moment of the post for this evening.)

14. Donny.

In the interest of fairness, his question answers intrigue me.  (He has never been on a plane, for example; I wish I’d never been on one.)  He’s afraid of heights, mice, and public speaking – or two of the three things I am deathly afraid of.  And if this show made him famous (hint: it won’t), he’d continue to be the same dude he has been.

What frightens me?  Is his picture.  Seriously, he could be in an Oak Ridge Boys tribute band, and he might be indistinguishable from William Lee Golden.  (Pause).  You know what?  I might have to add some Oak Ridge Boys to the Mixology list for this fall.  If “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” is a guaranteed-to-play staple of Mixology, surely “Thank God for Kids” can work its way in there a time or two.  (jasson voice) ‘Bout damn time, Stevo!

13. Frankie. 

Well, I am going to go out on a six foot thick limb here** … but I think Frankie is this season’s token “flaming gay guy who has me spitting out the shiraz six times a week, from laughing so hard” houseguest, ala Marcellus or Kevin or Andy.  And that’s a good thing.  It just usually takes me an episode or two, to give them their proper rating.

Also, his sister is some pop music “superstar”, who I have literally never heard of.  After pulling up a few “hits” on Youtube!?  I’m glad I’d never heard of his sister before.

(**: if you’re headed poolside at all this summer (and anyone and everyone is always welcome and wanted), your jaw may hit the newly stained lower deck, when you see the changes Mona and I presided over, on Monday.  Intriguing new color for the lower deck?  Check.  The utter and complete destruction of any semblance of shade over the pool?  Check!  There isn't a six inch limb left within 300 feet of that pool, dammit!  And that’s the way it should be!  No more "win the coin flip advantage", for the 4pm volleyball game, every Sunday!)

12. Amber. 

OK, may I play the Captain Oats role for a brief moment here?  Please, Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Non-Existent Editor Dudette?  (Pause).  I may?  Spectacular!

“Big Brother” producer dudes and dudettes, may I ask the obvious here?  What in the bluest of blue hells are you doing casting a houseguest, whose source of pride in life is that she once went a year without a date, or without having sex?  This is “Big Brother” for Christ’s sake!  To generate ratings, you need some late-night bow-chica-bow-wow, chica-bow-wow moments to broadcast!  It’s bad enough to cast the married folks on this show … but the “intentionally celibate”?  Really?  Hang on, I need to find the conveniently placed HHH Memorial Sledge Hammer under the bed, and begin bashing my head repeatedly with it, over this incredible brain fart in casting.

(To say nothing of the fact, that one of the three things she’s afraid of?  Is eating bananas!  Seriously, how did she get past open call for casting?  Let alone get cast?  Has the world truly gone mad?  I know it seems like it on a daily basis, with the utter refusal of this administration to act like the world’s adult and make the kid nations sit down and eat their broccoli, but for God’s sake, how can you botch a houseguest role this (jimmy johnson voice) puuhrly?

11. Christine. 

Married?  Check.  Obligatory “I’m going to miss my husband and family so much I don’t know how I’ll handle it” response?  Check.

Her moment of pride, throwing a birthday party for a homeless dude in a park?  Surprisingly … check.

She strikes me as the token “we’ll drag her along, then dump her when six becomes five” random houseguest, a role Helen and Russell “The Love Muscle” have played so well in the past.

10. Cody. 

I quote directly from the write-up of this dude:

“Cody is a Seventeen Magazine “2014 Hot Guy Panelist”, where he gives young female readers advice on dating and fashion.”

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well of course there’s another magazine I’m thinking of, when I read that blurb.

(And yes, I am long overdue, to restart that series of posts.  Circle me embarrassed, Bert.  Circle me embarrassed.)

(Also -- and no offense Cody -- but you wouldn’t pass Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official All-Things-Gay Adjudicator Donnie’s initial sight test.  

(cheetah in “family guy” episode voice) Damn nature!  You scary!  

I am so not seeing the sex appeal in this guy.  And I’m guessing Donnie wouldn’t either.  Then again, the look on his face when he met my buddy Damien for the first time a couple years ago, had me spitting out my vodka tonic, from laughing so hard, at his reaction to seeing Doc for the first time.)

9. Hayden. 

A few question this delightful freak of the week conjures up.

* What the hell is a “pedicab driver”?  It is a cab that uses, like, dogs to move the cab through the streets, like a pet taxi deal?  Is it a taxi where the driver gives pedicures as he tries to (jimmy buffett voice) keep it between the navigational beacons? 

* How can anyone use a “surfer” and “playa” mentality, to win this game?  There’s only one Hayden on this show, tito, and it ain’t you.

* His biggest accomplishment is moving to California by himself?  No offense dude, but Will Hunting already pulled off that “Massachusetts to California to find a girl” maneuver seventeen years ago, and you ain’t topping it.

* The thing you enjoy doing is “making Youtube! videos”, yet you’re least looking forward to “missing my friends and family”?  (keyshawn voice) Come on man!  You’re proud that you moved to California on your own, you make Youtube! videos – yet you have close friends and family to miss?  Really?  (stevo voice) I’m with ya Key.  I call bullsh*t on that one.

8. Joey.

Mad props for picking one of last season’s two (former senator robert “sheets” byrd (D-WV; D-KKK) voice) “white power!” racist houseguests as her favorite houseguest … and yet, also noting she holds very liberal views on the issues of the day.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You know what?  That’s not a half bad thought, Ms. Non-Existent Editor Dudette.

If Joey does anything decent in this competition?  I might have to use her Twitter account, to replace the “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week, in the weekly picks column this fall.  Because she’s as loco in the cabeza, as The Klassy One is.

7. Victoria.

In the words of one half, of the hosts of my favorite radio talk show, bar none: (scott parks voice) Oh God.

In the words of the other half, of the hosts of my favorite radio talk show, bar none: (dana wright voice) For.  The.  Love.

Here, peoples and peepettes, is her strategory for winning “Big Brother”:

“In it to win it!  I don’t take no for an answer!  I will manipulate people with my looks, I am very strategic and always get what I want!  The word can’t isn’t in my vocabulary!”

Honey?  No offense, but you’re not surviving week three, if looks is part of your strategory.  Hell, you might not survive three hours, if you’re gambling on looks, to win this.

6. Zach.

He describes himself as a “con artist”, his professional goal is to become a caddy on the PGA Tour, his life motto is “money over everything”, and his best friend is his ten year old brother.

Circle me intrigued Bert.  Circle me intrigued.

5. Derrick.

Normally, anyone this rabid about (bastardized florida evans voice) guns, guns, guns!, I’d dismiss out of sight.  (For the record?  Gun control is one of two social issues, I am not farther to the left on, than Mr. Obama.  Because I think both extremes are bat sh*t crazy, when it comes to the Second Amendment.  The only other social issue I am farther right than Mr. Obama on, is abortion.)

And for the record, he’s a cop … who somehow graduated from college, is currently thirty years old, yet has been on the force in Providence, Rhode Island for ten years, and has been sergeant for ten years.

Uuh, anyone else’s Fertilizer-O-Meter just spike?  Thirty years old, ten years as a cop (all apparently as a sergeant?), AND a college grad?

Here’s a hint dude, and please, this is free of charge from the world’s worst liar (hey!  That’s me!)?

If you’re going to tell a lie?  Make it believable.

4. Brittany.

She’s terrified of heights.  (Hey!  Me too!)

She would never forget where she’s from, and all those who helped her get to where she is, if this show makes her famous.  (Hey!  Me too!)

Her biggest accomplishment is her refusal to let her past, or the hard times in life define her.  (Hey!  Me too!)

She’s not going in with a set strategory.  (Hey!  I would too!)

Circle me very intrigued by this one, Bert.  Very intrigued.

3. Devin.

I love people who refer to themselves in the third person.  This dude references how when he gets hungry, “Grumpy Devin” shows up.  Like me, he’s deathly afraid of vermin.  And his life’s motto is perfect: “Live my life the way I want, with no regrets?  And I’ll have lived my life just right.”

His only drawback?  He used to play for the St. Louis Cardinals.

(Pause).  Yeah, he might be the ten-digit standing plunger, in Power Poll 2.0.

2. Nicole.

In the interest of full disclosure, one of my favorite days of the year, is ... well, today. 

When the “Big Brother” cast finally gets leaked.

Because “The Voice of Reason” and I will pour over the prospective houseguests, in search of the obvious ones, but one in particular:

The token “she’s so (bleeping) hot, I’d set aside all sense of dignity and decency, and couldn't care less if my mommy watched me (bleeping) her on national television” houseguest.

For once?  We agree, on said token houseguest.

And this is her.

All she’s missing is the nose stud thingy, that so (bleeping) turns me on, it’s ridiculous.

Also, she notes that she’s into nerdy types, and would love a showmance with one.  (stevo raising both arms in the air voice) pick me!  Pick me!  Pick me!

1. Caleb.

Every single answer he provided, involved some kind of a physical interaction with the opposite sex … and damned near every answer he provided, he referenced his deeply held religious beliefs.  (Based on his answers, I'd guess his religion is some form of Christianity.)

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  I know!  I know!  

To think people actually wonder why I refuse to step foot in a church unless I can’t find even one rock bottom excuse to avoid it!

I hate hypocrites, more than anything else in life.  A wise man once noted (and God, I love this quote), “the single biggest cause of atheism in the world today?  Is Christians.  People who acknowledge Jesus Christ with their lips, yet deny him with their lifestyle.  It is the one thing an unbelieving world, finds utterly unbelievable.”

I despise hypocrisy.  I despise it.  I’ll tolerate liars, thieves, cheaters, you name it.  I'll not only tolerate a liar, a thief, or a cheater (or God help us, worse)?  I'm ok with someone lying to me, if I can understand why.  I'd have to be in a meaningful relationship to be ok with cheating ... but in the words of Luke Bryan, I've "been there, done that".  And I'll even blindly forgive someone, without a cent of restitution from said theft, being returned to me, if they matter enough to me.

But I HATE hypocrisy, and I despise hypocrites -- which I define as “people who demand of you, what they refuse to offer of themselves”.

But every rule always has an exception.

And this show?  Is the exception to that rule.

Because hypocrisy on “Big Brother”, always leads to at least three rock solid verbal throw-downs, and a couple physical throw-downs, every summer.

I believe we’ve just met the token hypocrite.

And I can’t wait to see him get called on it.

Power Poll 2.0 will probably go up either June 29 or June 30, once we get 2-3 episodes under our belts, and get a better understanding of who these houseguests really are.

(“the chenbot” voice) BUT FIRST!  If (like me) you’re too damned cheap to buy the live feed, two sites you gotta frequent, if you want to get into this show. 

The first is Hamsterwatch.  If all you want is a quick five minute recap of the previous day’s happenings, with a very healthy load of sarcasm, hilarity, and taunting?  Then this is your one-stop shop.

The other is Morty’s TV.  I love these three months, welcoming Morty back into my life.  If you want the detailed blow-by-blow events in the house as they happen?  This is the site for you.

Both are also Twitter-friendly, so please, follow them to enjoy the fun.

Let the wheel-turning begin!

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big brother power poll 1.0

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