... where 2015 is going to be a year to remember for the rest of our lives, and 2020 is off to one helluva start ... and our thursday night pick is "super" cardinals (+3) 28, at seahawks 24 ...
Not much to write about today, but I did want to get a
couple things up that matter to me. Hey,
it’s my site. Deal with it.
1. I had the NFL Season Predictions finished last
night. Even the major injury to factor
in to the predictions that just occurred prior to today (Cowboys QB Tony Romo
to miss at least six weeks with (al michaels voice) a back), did not affect my
thoughts on the 2016 Dallas Cowboys season.
Mostly because (a) even with Mr. Romo, Dallas is likely to lose at least
two of their first six, and (b) I picked a major upset of the Cowboys first six
games, that if anything only cements what I think their final record will be.
I had the Vikings as the six seed at 11-5 in my season
predictions. (I had them losing their
first playoff game, to my projected NFC East champions.) The drop in quality from Teddy Bridgewater to
Shaun Hill is so dramatic, I have to re-evaluate the Vikings entire schedule.
If the Vikings can manage to swing a trade for a competent
quarterback who won’t sh*t the field in the next few days, I might leave things
as they are. (If I was the Vikings
general manager, I’d be targeting the backup in Philadelphia … but then again,
if I was the Vikings general manager, I’d be a lot more football savvy and
knowledgable than I am, about the game.)
There’s also the factor that my projected seven seed (or
first team out) in the NFC, I only have at 9-7, and I am not sold whatsoever on
that team’s chances this year. (Said
seven seed also plays the Vikings this season, hence the real need to
re-evaluate – if the super team I have slotted seventh wins that game, then
they would be the six seed at 10-6 via tiebreaker over Minnesota, and it would
set up a playoff rematch from nearly twenty years ago I want no f*cking part of
… as a fan of the team that would host, said super squad.)
As a result, the picks won’t go up until at least Labor Day
night, and probably not until a week from tonight.
2. It was a very good weekend. Those of you closest to me, will know why I
would say that, and I’ll leave it at that, at this point. Or, as Sammy Sosa would say, “(the weekend)
was berry, berry good to me!”
3. Finally, since not every post can be all sunshine,
lollipops, roses, tulips, and a bag of weed, a (rolling stones voice) mixed
emotion third point.
As of now, I am not going to the preseason finale on
Thursday against the Packers. I have
already given my ticket away, as there is no way I can get Friday off. (I’ll be lucky to enjoy the “short” part of
Short Fridays this week, as it is Day Two of month end close, which is my death
day.)
But there’s always the chance that, if it actually is “Perfect
Stevo Day” conditions (aka “putting on a t-shirt seems like the most ridiculous
idea ever”), I might change my mind and bring a $5 to buy a ticket out there.
Having said that, that’s not the mixed emotion part.
My group has enough people going that we needed a second
parking pass. (Note: we do not bring The
Bus to preseason, because the air conditioning doesn’t work. If you live in Kansas City in August, you
know air conditioning is a necessity of life.)
So we logged in yesterday morning to buy a second pass, and
lo and behold, when you log in to your Season Ticket Member account, and try to
buy a parking pass, what is that on your computer screen?
(image credit: whoever shot the video posted on the Chiefs
website … and via the Snag-It tool on my laptop.)
Holy sh*tballs, Batman!
That’s a bus! That’s four
buses! In Lot G!
And on the right side, prominently featured?
That’s OUR bus!!!!!
I am 96.67% confident that shot is from the Cowboys game in 2013. It has to be from a late summer /
early fall game, since most everyone is in shorts. (I guess this is where I should note, you cannot judge a game for time of year, based on if I am wearing shorts. I do not appear in the picture above ... but considering one of the pictures on my desk at work is me emerging from The Bus at the Packers game in 2011 in shorts, when it was about 20 degrees outside? Yeah, you cannot judge time of year, based on what I am wearing.)
It cannot be from 2014 or 2015, because if
you look below the side view mirror where the new speaker will hang this year,
you can see Noosed Donkey, and he doesn’t have his 2014 or 2015 nooses around
his neck. (They both easily stand out,
to identify the year it was added.)
Furthermore, in the center left of the picture, that’s Brad, and he hasn’t
been to a game since 2013 due to having to relocate for his job.
Also, the chick in the Berry jersey is Miranda, and she didn’t
become a STM and come out all the time until 2013, which makes me think this
has to be the opener in 2013 against the Cowboys.
(Also, if you look at the white pickup driving by us on the left,
he has a Cowboys decal on the tailgate.
So make that 98.44% confident this was the 2013 Home Opener against
those people.)
I thought that was pretty damned cool.
And I also am enraged, looking at it.
Because according to the Chiefs, parking regulations banning
buses, recreational vehicles, oversized vehicles, and vehicles pulling trailers
from parking in Lot G, have been in place since 2012.
I count four buses in that screen shot. (mike gundy voice) FOUR!
So I ask the Kansas City Chiefs – which is it guys?
Are we barred from tailgating in our spot … or are you
celebrating the tailgating in our spot, by respecting our rule-breaking enough
to, I don’t know, feature it on your f*cking website?
It’s one or the other guys.
You can’t celebrate us, while trying to remove us. You can’t feature us where we aren’t allowed
to be.
For the record, I have not yet reached out to my “highly
placed source who speaks on the subject with anonymity” yet, my buddy “Rufus”. I’ll bribe him with lunch at some point in the
next week and a half to get the feel for the layout once September 11 arrives.
So consider this to be a plea, Kansas City Chiefs. (And for this, I am speaking only of Lot G,
as that is where I tailgate.)
The new parking stripes are perfect. You stole the Texans set up, and Lot G is
better for it. You left Roger’s crew
alone for the preseason opener, and we thank you for that. (His is the red bus next to ours that says “KC
Chiefs” at the top.) You merged all red
reserve and cash lots into one unit, and I have to say, I thought the traffic
flow in Lot G two weeks ago was the best it’s been since Steve Schneider took
it upon himself to (stewie griffin voice) roo-een the way tailgating had always
been.
You were absolutely right to encourage prepaid parking, and
I’d argue you should go to all prepaid parking period. The Texans do it; so do the Colts. (I plan to be at both of those roadies this
year.) The drive in was far faster than
usual.
In my (rarely) humble opinion, the way you have things set
up right now is about as perfect as it is going to get. So please, don’t f*ck with the success you’ve
created.
We require one consideration, that’s it, to get our bus
parked where it has always resided. I
have to get out and temporarily move a cone, so that Russ can get the thing
turned around and facing out. It takes
thirty seconds. I lift the cone, Russ
drives through into Lot G, turns around, drives up onto the grass, and I put
the cone back where it was. That’s
it.
Just afford us that one imposition, and grant us the ability
to be left alone, and you’ll have twenty plus people every game thanking you
for it. (And renewing their tickets,
parking passes, and built in alcoholism that fuels your concession sales, because
of it.)
It is cheaper to buy a projection TV, new couches and
recliners, and the Sunday Ticket, than it is for our group to actually attend
the slate of games you and The Shield offer.
The home slate this year really isn’t all that
attractive. Yes, raiders and those
people in prime time is night nice. It’s also
in December. It’s probably going to be
eight degrees and snowing, knowing my luck.
I’m excited for the Jets, but I’m probably the only Jets fan you’ll ever
meet. (Unless you meet my dad, or a
friend at work named Dustin. Other than
the three of us, (jose voice) I got nothin’, yo.) I’m also excited for the Jaguars, because
that is one fun team to watch.
* “So no recap of “House of Wings” or Secretary Clinton’s
speeches? Good God dude, you weren’t this
lazy four years ago! Thoughts?” – Brooke
B, Milwaukee.
Well here’s the thing – I don’t know what to think.
For the record, I liked Mr. Trump’s speech, and I hated Mrs.
Clinton’s.
Two of the three most conservative people I know? Felt a complete 180 degree opposite. My mom liked Mrs. Clinton’s speech enough –
and more specifically, hated “House of Wings”’s speech – that voting for her is
in play. (As of today, she’s all aboard
the Gary Johnson train.) And my adopted
mom – who wouldn’t vote for Hillary if you put a gun to her head and pulled the
trigger – thought HRC’s speech was the best speech out of the two conventions.
(The third conservative brain I pick at, “The Voice of
Reason”, I refused to ask to comment on Hillary’s speech. But I can confirm I liked “House of Wings”’s
effort more than he did.)
I guess this is why 2016 is destined to be the Brian Griffin Memorial “What the Hell?!?!?!” Election of our lifetimes – our next President
is guaranteed to be a pathological liar.
Man, does that fact make you long for the glory days of “Corzine
Cronies” and “Left. Liberal. Granholm!”
* “How many more scandals is it going to take until you
decide not to elect Crooked Hillary to the Presidency? Just pick a number – you know she’s going to
hit it!” – Will D, South KC.
There’s no number to name – my vote ain’t changing. Criminal always – always! – trumps crazy. At least in the Casa de Stevo.
* “So who is going to win?” – Clancy J, Waldo.
“House of Wings”. It’s
a gut feeling based mainly on the fact that in the last four elections, I’ve
only voted for the winner once, and I wasn’t exactly proud of that vote to
begin with (2004, I voted Bush over Kerry.
It’s one of the few votes I’ve ever cast in my life, I wish to God I
could undo. But then again, I lived in
Kansas, and it’s not like my vote mattered, so what the hell.)
If you remember 2000, the late, great Tim Russert holding up
the white board with three words on it: Florida, Florida, Florida? Come November 8, his son Luke can hold up the
white board with three words on it: Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania.
But I also think “House of Wings” is going to win because of
four reasons:
2. Only God knows what’s coming in the next
promised Wikileaks data dump.And I
guarantee you, every damned last one of us Clintonistas is terrified, of what’s
coming.
3. “House of Wings” is going to clobber her in the
debates.And note to angry Trumpsters –
it doesn’t matter that two debates are up again prime time NFL contests, and
the third is up against the World Series.ALL of America is going to watch.This is the greatest reality show in history, period.But mostly …
4. The African American vote.Simply put folks, Mrs. Clinton needs Obama-level
turnout from the African American community.Between Mr. Trump’s dead-on accurate call to black Americans to open
their eyes and see what fifty years of unchecked liberal rule has done to them,
and the fact that Mrs. Clinton is pushing 70 and white and a woman, do you
really think 92% of the African American voting base is turning out, like they
averaged in the last two elections?Or
do you think it’s going to plummet to a more normal 80%?
(It’s gonna plummet.
Which is gonna throw Florida, Georgia, and North Carolina to “House of
Wings”.)
I think Pennsylvania decides this bad boy. And I don’t think it will be decided before
we got to bed on November 8 … and maybe the 9th, as well.
Oh, and to answer the obvious – yes, Clancy J is a real
person. He’s a regular at my home away
from home (aka “Quinton’s in Waldo”), and a very interesting person to talk to.
* “Seriously, can we do something about Hud? If I have to hear one more stinky cheese
comment, I might throw something at my television!” – Reggie K, Oak Grove.
Which begs the obvious question: you need another dumb f*ck
comment to start hurling things at the Royals broadcast on your screen? I’ve been doing that for at least two years,
girl. Catch up with the times!
Although how great was it yesterday, that even Don Mattingly
was questioning the “big red head”’s sanity?
* “Can they do this?
Can the Royals really pull this off?” – Ryan M, Springfield.
As my buddy Pickell would say: “put it this way”. Put it this way – walking out of whatever the
hell the Golden Gophers stadium is called on October 18th, I had no
thoughts whatsoever about the Chiefs making the playoffs. It would be literally three months until the
next Chiefs defeat. They went from 1-5,
with no Jamaal Charles, no second option at receiver, a putrid offensive line,
and the loss of their biggest defensive playmaker … to making this guy cry uncontrollably at 6:36pm CT thirteen weeks later.
So can they do this?
Hell yes they can!
* “Of course they will!
C’mon Stevo! They’re gonna do
this!” – Tyler C, Brookside.
I like your optimism.
Also, get well soon dude. I miss
my bean bag teammate. Especially because
my teammate at the preseason opener was worse than god awful.
* “How many wins is it going to take?” – Eric R, Blue
Springs.
However many it takes to get one game clear of all but one
second place finisher. Duh!
I honestly think 86 gets them in. That means a 20-15 close. And hey – if you don’t think the two time
defending American League Champions can’t play barely over .500 baseball over
these last six weeks? With 18 of those 35
against the horrific White Sox, atrocious A's, and sh*ttacular Twins? If you think our Boyz N Blue can’t do
that? Then to quote the greatness that
is George Strait:
Speaking of musical legends we'll never see on stage again …
* “Merle. God damn
it.” – Blake P, KCK.
Pretty much my reaction, save for the lack of the adjective
form of the greatest word in the English language, between “damn” and
“it”. Oh, yeah, and taking his
unquestionably wise suggestion to heart:
* “When do we get your NFL predictions? Think of your readers dude! I have three mouths to feed now! Babies need diapers!” – Anthony V, Overland
Park.
Your season and week one predictions will be up no later than
kickoff on Thursday, September 8th.
I have created the schedule spreadsheet, but I haven’t run the schedules
yet. But those schedules did reveal some
interesting stuff.
For example, do you realize that there are two teams that
don’t play a divisional game before the baseball postseason gets underway? (The Eagles and satan’s squad.) And there actually is a team this year that
plays not one, not two, not three, oh no!
There is a squad that plays (mike gundy voice) four! home games in a
row! (The Packers). To quote the decrepit Fran Tarkenton: “that’s
incredible!”
Now that’s NFL schedule knowledge you just ain’t gonna find,
anywhere else.
* “Can you give us a sneak peak at your Week One
leans? (Pause). Not for me, but for a friend.” – Gregg G,
Bonner Springs.
(Note: I often joke that the Fidelity "Why Not" ad from the early 2000s is the single most indefensible racist ad of all time. These Calvin ads from the early 1990s are pretty godd*mned close to that level of racism. Even the Klan is blushing at how racist this sh*t is. And seriously -- what in the bluest of blue hells is Rose from "Lost" doing starring in (the first linked Calvin ad) as Calvin's mama? My God girl, have some respect!)
* And yet, you worked at McDonalds in that era!" -- Justin B, Olathe.
And like Calvin? I was management to boot. (Pause). What? (Pause). You're damned right I still have that McDonalds tie somewhere in my closet at my folks house.
* “If – because let’s face it, you honor a promise made
on this site about as often as you get laid – if you make your weekly picks,
can you add a confidence meter to them? Something
that lets us know which game line you feel the best about? It will greatly pad my bank account, betting
against your best bets on the board.” – Brent S, Incorporated Johnson County.
OK, first of all … (stevo sighing in disgust) … I might
actually honor a promise on this site, more often than I enjoy a night of
frisky fun. I mean, if I honor one, then
that means I keep my words more than … (stevo sobbing) ... god fuc …
Hang on. I’m saving
the ultimate indefensible swear phrase, for when it truly counts, at the end of
this post.
And I’m not editing it even with an asterick.
(It’ll make sense once you get … (samuel l jackson in “die
hard with a vengeance” voice) Hey Zeus!, eight pages in Word, from now.)
But I gotta admit – this is not a bad idea. And reminds me of the good old days, the high
point of our gambling careers. Just
remembering 2003, 2004 makes me a lil’ verklempt. (linda richman voice) Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. GLoW used to refer to something other than
the sun or ladies wrestling. Discuss.
That’s really not a bad idea. Now I just need a name for it – since the
greatness formerly known as The KKK has been taken by the Klassy One now.
Speaking of our good friend … let’s bring back my favorite
part of the picks post – two weeks early!
Yup, it’s time for the “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The
Week!!!!
Oh boy. Let’s check
the boxes this string of intelligence from Ol’ Klassy, uuh, checks.
Racist? Yup – insinuating black people have to rely
on the government for everything.
Insensitive? Yup – mocking people dealing with horrific
tragedy.
Insulting of
Everyone’s Intelligence? Yup – has
he never watched ESPN before? They
routinely do news! Sh*t, Klassy K, they
even have an entire network devoted to news – and it’s called ESPN News to boot!
I’m telling you, Klassy K is the gift that keeps on giving.
* “Klassy K! I
like it! He should become a rapper! Klassy K just rolls off the tongue, like Wiz
Khalifa, or Master P, or Fiddy Cent!” – Jasson W, Prairie Village.
And not only that, he’d more than fit in with the hip hop
culture that rap fuels, given his (alleged) love of wearing his pants down
around his ankles.
* “What’s your favorite song of the summer?” – Jacob J,
Olathe.
I know what I’m supposed to say – “The Weekend” by Brantley Gilbert. But I can’t. It’s absolutely horrible. It’s the worst song he’s ever done, bar
none. And I should know – I ranked them all (save for the newbies on the platinum edition of “Just As I Am” … only one
of which is even worth listening to, let alone ranking).
Plus, if I’ve already had to explain to uninformed
tailgaters what a dugout is (and I have), I really don’t want to have to
explain what “wake and bake” means.
#diggingmyowngrave
The correct answer is – and I cannot believe I am typing this
– “Love Me” by The 1975. It is the only
song by these dudes I like – the rest of the cd is horsesh*t. But this song rocks. It is so David Bowie forty years ago. Absolute brilliance. (Pause).
What? (Pause). You’re damned right it’s going on Mixology in
two weeks!
I love this tune. And not just because the lead singer is obviously lit like a Christmas tree, while chugging straight out of multiple bottles, in said video.
Speaking of getting in the tailgating mood …
* “So what exciting new additions can we expect on The
Bus this fall?” – Gus B, Raytown.
A whole new listening experience. The Bus is going wireless! At least with the speakers.
There are two wireless speakers that will be in use,
starting on September 11. The primary
one is going to hang on the sideview mirror (or just above where we always
planted the old, gigantic speakers). I
got that one for my ten year gift from “company I work for”. I checked a couple sites; the average price
for this sucker was $265. It also had a
4.5 star rating, and I didn’t see a single negative comment on either Best Buy
or Amazon’s websites, so that’s saying something. What, I may not know … but it says something.
And there’s this – when it arrived, I could not believe how
small it was. Initially I was thinking
of creating a removable mount; instead it’ll be clamped onto that mirror while
it’s in use. (And there’s still PLENTY
of room for noosed donkey! Yay! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!)
We tested out the sound a couple weeks ago. I could clearly hear from almost 100 feet
away, and with a competing radio to boot.
I’m very confident this little bundle of joy will easily amplify to the
50 some odd square feet between the buses.
The second one is much smaller, and it has to be plugged
into my iPhone to work (it’s not necessarily wireless). But this second one also is a cell phone
charger, so the single biggest problem with the old setup – namely, any
tailgate for an 3:25 or prime time start drained my cell phone by halftime down
to zero – will never be a problem again.
(homer simpson voice) It’s win-win!
(And we have three of those eight dates this year. Three times we’re staring a six plus hour
tailgate in the face … and I couldn’t be happier! (Pause).
Although I guarantee you, if I’m right about my thoughts regarding the
season about to unfold, at least ESPN is going to be furious, they don’t get
the first game at Arrowhead in … I’ll save that, for the predictions post.)
The second speaker comes courtesy of our good friends at
Coors Light. Yes kids, I drank so much
Coors Light this summer, that I not only got a free travel bag and speaker set
… I still have a $50 credit at StubHub to spend on the roadie to Indy! (Or Houston, but I think Ryan and Tyler’s
crew is handling our seats for that trip.)
Between the two speaker sets, we’ll actually have something
approaching surround sound! And even better? For the Jets game (3:25pm kickoff), we can
plug the second speaker into my laptop if need be, and have the early games via
the Sunday Ticket, like we did for the oakland finale earlier this year! (gary busey voice) God bless America!
The other major change I know of … is the utter lack or need
for a generator. The primary use of the
generator was to generate enough power for the stereo. Now that everything music wise is running off
my phone and the Wi-Fi, we don’t have to lug that bulky, costly bastard out
there every week! The only weeks we’ll
need it are for the cold games, for additional power for all the crock
pots. That will be wonderful.
Other than that, I’m clueless. I’ve done my part. I cleared the aisles of anything that my ass
could painfully land on. Now everyone
else gets to chip in on clean-up Sunday … which is Sunday.
* “Holy crap Batman!
Football’s almost here!” – Matt P, Blue Springs.
Damn straight, dude.
* “And so is bowling league!” – Penny O, Blue Springs.
(That, and that is one of THE coolest buttons, I've ever seen. This Rob Duncan dude is a f*cking creative genius!)
I just hope we don’t kill each other, before this
indefensible “major” election, reaches its climax. We get criminal or we get crazy. (Pause).
God spare this great Republic.
* “So seriously, not even a little hint, a little
preview, of your thoughts on the season to come?” – Chris N, Quality Hill.
Under the caveat of “nothing is official until I run the
schedules and post the predictions” … I am willing to wager five predictions
involving the Red and Gold.
1. The Chiefs will stage a “Perfect Stevo Game” in
their opener.
2. The “Stevo Drinking Game” Over/Under for the
Jets game is 9.5.
3. The only loss at home will occur on a rainy,
miserable day in the month we celebrate Thanksgiving ... and a loss the following week on the road, will inspire near panic amongst Arrowhead Nation.
4. The eventual AFC West Champions? Will be decided via a prime time game at
Arrowhead in December.
5. The Chiefs will win at least two of three,
against the Super Bowl teams from last year.
At least two of those predictions, will come true. You all can figure out which one other than
Numero Dos, is guaranteed to happen.
* “What the hell is the “Stevo Drinking Game””? – Miranda
P, Independence.
It is a wager against a pre-set over/under number, on the
number of alcoholic beverages I will have already consumed when “The Voice of
Reason” shows up.
For the purposes of this fun exercise, an “alcoholic
beverage” is defined as either a beer (at least 12 oz), a mixed drink (at least
coffee cup size), a credible sized Jello shot (note: if I make them? They’re credible sized), or a solid straight
chug out of a bottle, shot glass, or army-issued tin cup.
Also, it is drinks consumed anywhere prior to Mr. Reason’s
arrival, not just drinks consumed once the tailgate begins. So yes, that Irish Coffee on the ride in
counts.
The jury is still out on a beer used in beer pong – I say
yes, count it; most people have said no, it’s not full enough. For now, it does not count.
You get absolutely no prize for guessing correctly, other
than the hilarity of watching what alcohol does to me. And sadly, it doesn’t really do anything; I
drink too much to get sufficiently blitzed anymore.
I look forward to your participation in this fun filled
exercise this fall.
Also – practice up.
If Tyler can’t make it as my cornhole partner? Then you have to. Because that preseason opener was
unacceptable. Unacceptable!
It’s you and me … or me and someone else. Because if you can’t get even one hole shot,
we’re done as cornhole partners. I hate
losing at one of the only two tailgate games I should excel in.
(The other being beer pong … and I own that bastardo.)
And with that, it’s time to start dragging this kicking and
screaming to the finish line … let’s see who is left in the inbox queue …
* "No, the real question for tailgating / Chiefs season is, how many times is "she" going to be there?" -- every person reading this, every place you reside.
However many she wants to. Save for denver. I don't feel like we're at a point, that exposing her to me at a donkeys game, is good for any parties involved.
* “Son? If you
f*ck this up? I will disown you!” – Mona
H, Raytown.
Actually, I cheated.
That wasn’t a “fake email”; that was said to my face, last Sunday.
* “(Mona’s) always right!” – Russ H, Raytown.
Another cheat. Also
said to my face, last Sunday.
* “If you land her, you’re kicking 80 yard punt-esque out
kicking your coverage.” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
(Pause).
(stevo at a chiefs game voice) Cheater! That was an actual text message, sent from
“The Voice of Reason” to me, when I asked his thoughts and/or opinions, of the
girl I am totally, totally crushing … who is amongst those lucky enough in this
life, to have met her.
And speaking of her …
* “You are the sweetest person I have ever met. I wish I’d known (how I feel about her)
sooner! I amaze you? You amaze me!
Nobody has ever said (what I sent) to me! (My daughter) absolutely loves you. And so does her mom!” – (Pause). Yeah, it's time. (Pause). "The Chica", North KC.
(Pause).
Yeah, it's time.
(Pause).
Thank God above, those two words finally are applied, after
being bastardized and beyond inappropriately applied, on the “Hillary Clinton of Kansas City” for far too damned
long, to someone actually worthy, of having them?
Applied to her.
God bless, I at least really, really like, The True Chica?
Also – yup, these are my peop … (Pause). What?
(Pause). Are you sh*tting
me? Seriously? Non-credible emails from barely recognizable readers are showing up in an inbox that doesn't exist, and some editor dudette that is a figment of my (brett voice) "vivid imagination", is demanding I publish them?
(Pause).
Fine, let it through.
* “Seriously?
Daughtry? Seriously man, “American
Idol” died eight years ago. Pick someone
else for the theme! I didn’t bake it up
with you for two years, to have Daughtry be my reason why!” – Chris R,
occupancy unknown.
Well, I happen to like Daughtry. He’s my second fav … (Pause). What?
(Pause). Really? I mean, you have to be – what are the
odds? What are the f*cking
odds?!?!?!
(Pause).
Fine, send it through – this ought to be
intriguing.
* “Seriously?
Daughtry? For f*ck’s sake tito,
you are a disgrace to 30 year old you! I
should know – I am 30 year old you!
Daughtry couldn’t sh*t in a stall next to Blake f*cking Lewis, he'd be so scared to drop a deuce -- and you
f*cking know it!” – 30 Year Old Stevo, South KC.
Wow, I so channel 30 year old me perfectly, from the Spring
of 2007, that I frighten 39 year old me to my core. You gotta love 30 year old me perfectly re-enacted, right down to dropping a f bomb
gratuitously in every inappropriate moment, while getting baked off
my ass on the single and second greatest decks any person will ever call home,
on a regular basis.
(You doubt me? The
lower part? Hot tub with built in
fireplace AND decent sized television.
The upper part? Recliner, couch,
hammock, coffee table, and television with cable feed. Both parts were screened in and roofed. No, not roofied – roofed. The only drawback? I’m struggling to find one. Dammit, I miss that deck … “mrs. voice of
reason” voice: me too dude! Me too!)
(To say nothing of how great the third greatest deck ever
was, at “stubbs”, for the last half of Blaker’s run.)
(Wait, where was I?
Who am I? Why am I here?!?!?!?!)
(Pause).
Oh, yeah. The "Fake" Mailbag.
There’s only one way to close this down.
Mr. Seacrest? For one
final time, please dim the lights, please silence the audience, please cue
Rickey Minor and the band … and please, cue the Nick Bakay Voice.
It’s time for … The Tale O’ The Tape!!!! Today’s (coach don fambrough voice) showdown
/ throwdown / hoedown / chuck whiskey bottles at mizzou fan’s heads contest …
is who is actually my favorite “American Idol” ever.
In one corner, we have the Season Five Fourth Place
Finisher, a man from North Carolina who has enjoyed incredible success in his
post-Idol journey, please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome the greatness that is
Chris Daughtry!!!!!
And in this corner, we have the Season Six Runner Up, a man
from Bothell, Washington, a man who thirty year old me proudly supported as a “Blaker
Boy”, a man who my irrational support for led one former roommate to note “why’d
we let him move in?”, and led a second former roommate to note “because he can
keep the lights on!” as the justification for that move to “stubbs”, ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome the very questioned genius that is Blake Lewis!!!!!!!
As always, The Tale O’ The Tape consists of Seven Questions
of Great Significance. Three
contestants, guaranteed to be tied at two after six of them, with only one
winner.
* Question Uno: The
Top Female Finisher From Their Season’s Career Arc.
Daughtry: Katherine McPhee went on to star on the
short-lived (and missed) “Smash”, and currently stars as a co-lead on a second
show of hers I somehow like, “Scorpion”.
Lewis: Jordin Sparks has gone on to record multiple
chart-ranking hits, including “Battlefield” (Jesus, this song is amazing), “Tattoo” (with Mr. Lewis starring
in the video), and “Playing With Fire”, with Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Favorite
Artist of 2016, Thomas Rhett.
(Plus, I had to include this -- I thought her cover of Barbra Streisand's "Woman In Love" on Top Four "Bee Gees" Night was awesome. And if that ain't yo' cup o' tea? "Broken Wing". Jesus. Unbelievable. She covers Streisand and Martina perfectly ... when she was sixteen. Sixteen! Are you f*cking kidding me?!?!?! She covered that, at sixteen! Christ, I could barely put a shirt on, at sixteen! I can barely do that now, pushing forty, for God's sake!)
Winner: Push.
Amazingly – and these are five words thirty year old me would have NEVER
said – amazingly? We are ALL winners
here!
* Question Dos: Has
recorded a decent version of the theme from “Growing Pains” with Dane Cook.
* Question Tres: Was
Stevo’s favorite contestant on the season he appeared on “Idol” for ... at the
time.
Daughtry: no.
Lewis: yes.
Winner: Lewis.
For the record, my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in Season
Five was Elliott Yamin. #yaminian4eva
#ihatehashtags #not
* Question Cuatro:
Was voted out to far inferior competition.
Daughtry: yes.
Lewis: no.
Winner: Lewis.
Sorry, but Taylor Hicks is either the worst winner of “Idol” ever … or
you think Lee DeWyze is. (For the
record, I vote DeWyze. No finalist ever
got screwed more than my favorite female ever on this show, Crystal Bowersox.) He also finished behind #mcpheever and
#yaminiannation. Blake lost to Jordin
effing Sparks, and nobody else. This
question isn’t even a competition.
* Question Cinco: Which
final female contestant from their season inspired me to not only throw things
at the television, but I once swore I’d never even type her name, I hated her
so much?
Daughtry: Katherine McPhee.
Lewis: nobody.
Winner: Daughtry.
Christ, I hated Katherine McPhee.
Then came this … and the tide turned.
* Question Sies: I
have paid my (barely) hard earned money, to see them perform live.
Daughtry: yes.
Lewis: yes.
Winner: push.
I am the winner here. As is anyone
who has ever seen either artist perform in person – they’re both amazing.
And so, with Daughtry 2, Lewis 2, Push 2 … the …
* Question of
Greatest Signifcance: delivered my favorite “Idol” performance ever.
Daughtry: no.
Lewis: f*ck yes.
Winner: Blake Lewis!!!!!! It’s been ten years, and I still think he not
only (simon cowell voice) took an incredible risk, I still think it’s the most
inventive, ingenius, absolute jaw-dropping awesome interpretation of a song
every person has heard, that I’ve ever heard.
In Daughtry’s defense, his cover of Shinedown’s “I Dare You”
was beyond cool, beyond amazing. It
might approach that rarified air known as “Shawsome”, it was so good.
("I Dare You" is in my top twenty seven favorite songs of all time listing ... and I like Daughtry's cover better, than the actual version. His passion on the chorus is just f*cking perfect.
And I've seen Shinedown live twice, for the record.)
But it wasn’t this:
Jesus.
Almost ten years
later, and I still stand and applaud for two straight minutes, while fist
pumping. Albeit without two newbie
roommates questioning their sanity at letting me in the front door on a daily
basis.
Hope you enjoyed this.
God knows I loved creating it.
Especially to one friend, who that quote not only more than
applies to?
(Pause).
Yeah, I’ll pull the filter off.
Be careful out there, Jasson. Because (here it comes – promised 8 pages
ago! I’m about to deliver on a
promise! Oh goodie goodie, you know what
that might, possibly, in an alternative universe, mean for me, right!!!!!!!)
Because I’m getting god fucking damned sick and tired, of
having to text four words – “be safe today dude”, to our friend. I’m getting god fucking damned sick and
tired, of texting those four words to him, after the latest indefensible wrong,
done to our nation’s finest.
