I've paid for every heart, that I ever stole.
I played my cards and I didn't fold;
It ain't that hard, when you got soul.
(This is my world!)
Somewhere I heard that life is a test;
I've been through the worst, but still give my best.
God made my mold different from the rest;
Then He broke that mold, so I know I'm blessed.
(This is my world!)
Stand up now and face the sun --
Won't turn my tail, or turn or run.
It's time to do what must be done;
Be a king? When Kingdom comes!
Well you can tell everybody?
Yeah, you can tell everybody?
Go ahead and tell everybody?
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Well you can tell everybody?
Yeah, you can tell everybody?
Go ahead and tell everybody?
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am!
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
I got all the answers to your questions;
I'll be the teacher, you can be the lesson.
I'll be the preacher, you be the confession;
I'll be the quick relief, to all your stressin'.
(This is my world!)
It's a thin line, between love and hate;
Is you really real, or is you really fake?
I'm a soldier, standing on my feet!
No surrender, and I won't retreat!
(This is my world!)
Stand up now and face the sun!
Won't turn my tail, or turn or run!
It's time to do what must be done!
Be a king? When Kingdom comes!
Well you can tell everybody?
Yeah, you can tell everybody?
Go ahead and tell everybody?
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Well you can tell everybody?
Yeah, you can tell everybody?
Go ahead and tell everybody?
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am!
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
-- "The Man" by Aloe Blacc.
--------------------
Welcome back fellow football fans! A new season is here! (Fist pumping!!!!!)
As always for Week One, a quick primer on what to expect most weeks in the picks post:
* The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets Picks are exactly what they sound like: predictions both straight up (SU) and against the spread (ATS) for every game that week not involving the Chiefs or Jets.
However, in a significant change in departure, this year's odds will no longer be pulled from Danny Sheridan via USA Today. Instead, I'll be using CBS SportsLine's consensus odds, as the line I pick against.
* Within this portion of the picks are certain designations, depending on how god awful a matchup is. A quick run-through of the TV shows of yesteryear that will be used this season:
a. as always, the worst game on the board will be designated as the "Good Times Game O' The Week", because any person with an IQ above that of a cardboard table would opt to watch a three hour marathon of "Good Times" over one second of that game.
b. as always, the second worst game on the board will be designated as either the "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week", or the "ALF Game O' The Week", for the same reason as with (a) above.
c. just like the networks tend to adjust their broadcasting crews due to rising or falling talent, I'm doing the same here this year, and bumping up "Empty Nest Game O' The Week" to the third slot. After accidentally watching back to back episodes of that disgrace to the airwaves this weekend, it's more than earned a bump up.
d. given all the revivals and reboots going on nowadays, it only seems appropriate to haul off the dustbin of history another god awful show that should never in any way, shape or form be remade. So fourth in the rotation is now the "Designing Women Game O' The Week". Let's all hope and pray we never dig this deep; last year we only had to once.
e. and should the need arise -- and God spare us all if it ever does -- to haul out a fifth designation, as always, that designation is reserved for a show so awful, so indefensible, so utterly unwatchable, it was designated over ten years ago as "Stevo's Worst Sitcom of All Time" ... and it still (proudly) holds that honor to this moment.
Yup.
This is it.
(This is it!)
This is life,
The one you get,
So go and have a ball!
Yes, if the Stink-o-Meter for these contests is so wretched it requires us to go five deep in the crappy sitcom rotation, the original "One Day At A Time" * will be used as the designation.
For the record, I don't believe we've had a "One Day At A Time Game O' The Week" in at least three years. Also for the record, I'm too f*cking lazy to confirm that.
Falling out from last season: "Webster Game O' The Week". You won't be missed dude. You will not be missed at all.
(But you'd still opt to watch three hours of "Webster" over a Bucs / Browns matchup?) Absolutely I would, and twice on game day!
* The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week is exactly what it sounds like: I pick Ol' Klassy's "best" tweet of the week, and analyze it from my perspective.
* The Watching Party Plans are the details for where and how I plan to watch a road Chiefs game I will not be in attendance for. This year it appears there will be at least five of these: your "Super" Chargers (Week One), the Steelers (Week Two), the Patriots (Week Six), the Browns (Week Nine) and the Rams (Week Eleven).
* The Tailgating Plans are the details for where and how my group plans to tailgate a Chiefs game I will be in attendance at. As of now, there are eleven of those: the eight at Arrowhead, plus visits to those people (Week Four), the raiders (Week Thirteen), and the Seahawks (Week Sixteen).
* Stevo's Drink O' The Week is the cocktail fueling my (semi) sane existence over the past seven days.
* Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update started last year, when I began my new job, and noticed a disreputable looking Mexican food truck across the street from the office. Naturally, given that I'll try anything once, I hit it up on the first day. And I have to admit, they offer amongst the five best tacos I've ever had. It's incredible.
Eventually this segment turned into me riffing on whatever was on my mind that week, especially the weeks when Disreputable Mexican Food Truck had to vacate its (pretty much) permanent spot on Northbound South Broadway (say that four times fast) at 31st when the water main broke last fall. I'm not sure what this segment will be this season ... but anytime you can work in a reference to a shady looking Mexican food truck, you have to do it.
* The Jets Best Guess. My prediction for the Jets game, and any relevant thoughts on Gang Green.
* The Flashback. A look back at a fun (or not so fun) meaningful moment from the past involving the Chiefs opponent for the week. It could be a play on a field; it could be a moment in time that only my friends and fellow tailgaters would understand the important or humor of. (And since "friends and fellow tailgaters" pretty much make up the readership base of this half-baked site, deal with it.)
* The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication. My prediction for the Chiefs game, and any relevant thoughts. (Note: this is almost always the longest section of the post ... and the reason most people who frequent this site, read this post.)
That's your core each week.
In addition, certain weeks will see other favorites show up, such as:
* The Tale O' The Tape. Seven questions of great significance. Three possible answers. Two viable contenders. Only one unquestioned champion.
* Guest Spots. On occasion friends will reach out with their thoughts and/or responses to my thoughts. These are posted by me unedited, save for formatting to ensure the mobile scroll works properly.
* The Poem. On very special (and extremely rare) occasions, I will dust this one off and revive it. Back in the day (we're talking 1990s and early 2000s here), I used to write a poem every week, that was read aloud as us kids walked around Arrowhead, as the parents got the tailgating spread ready. It's always a treat to find the time to do this. Unfortunately, I rarely do anymore.
* Inside Mixology. I have two tasks at tailgating ... ok, three, if you count kicking everyone's ass at beer pong, cornhole, and/or Drinko. And those tasks are to (a) play bartender and (b) put the musical playlist together. Occasionally something on the drink menu and/or music menu needs explaining. This is where the explaining will occur.
* Finally, some weeks have a running theme attached to them, to liven sh*t up. This is not one of those weeks.
Got it? Good.
Enjoy?
--------------------
(*: for the record, I love the hell out of the "One Day At A Time" reboot on Netflix. It's honestly one of my three or four favorite shows still producing episodes, along with "Law and Order: SVU" (spare me; I'm addicted to anything L&O), "Young Sheldon" (which (ducking rotten vegetables) is better than "The Big Bang Theory", and it's not even a close contest), and of course, "You're the Worst" (which is the best "sitcom" television has come up with in decades).
--------------------
Since there is no last week stats to recap, here we go.
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Picks.
* at Eagles (-2 1/2) 31, "Shane" Falcons 20. Anytime you're led by a quarterback whose nickname is "Big Dick", I at least respect you. Also, way too many people taking the Falcons and the points for my liking.
* Jaguars (-3) 31, at Giants 3. I'm not buying what Pat Shurmur's selling. (Cue Browns fans nodding in vociferous agreement.)
* at Saints 27, Bucs (+9 1/2) 20. Fitzpatrick is competent enough to cover this line. Also, "ALF Game O' The Week" honors.
* at Patriots 28, Texans (+6) 27. Chiefs fans, you thought us playing three times in thirteen months in Houston a couple years ago was weird? This is the Texans fourth trip to Foxboro in 25 months. Damn. Sucks to be them.
* at Dolphins (+1 1/2) 24, Titans 20. The Titans will get better as the year goes along. A lot better.
* at Browns (+3 1/2) 31, Steelers 28 (OT). Upset O' The Week. Also, the Browns have a 2010 Chiefs vibe about them, at least to me.
* at Vikings (-6) 27, 49ers 17. The two most overrated teams in the NFC. Neither one is playing come January 2019.
* at Colts (-3) 20, Bengals 13. I have one of these teams in the playoffs.
* at Ravens (-7) 31, Bills 3. (Pause). Yeah, got to. Sing along. You know you want to.
Hit it!
"Good Times! Anytime you need a payment?
Good Times! Anytime you need a friend?
Good Times! Anytime you're out from under?
Not gettin' hassled! Not gettin' hussled!
Keepin' yo head above water!
Makin' a wave when you can!
Temporary layoffs? Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs? Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'? Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line? Good Times!
Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(Na Na Na Na Na!)
Good Times (Game O' The Week honors) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Also, admit it: that was one f*cking cool version of that incredible theme song.)
* at those people (-3) 31, Seahawks 24. Do you realize that there are seniors in high school who have no knowledge that this used to be one fun divisional rivalry, that gave us one of the most epic, memorable, and emotion-pleasuring playoff showdowns to boot? (christopher cross voice) I know it's crazy, but it's true.
* Cowboys (-3) 35, at Panthers 24. When the season predictions post, you will notice this game affected not one, not two, but at least three separate playoff berths, when the season is said and done (at least in my schedule run). I'm higher on Dallas than most, I guess. That, or I'm just high (rimshot)!
* Redskins (PK) 28, at "Super" Cardinals 13. "Empty Nest Game O' The Week" honors.
* at Packers (-7) 38, Bears 14. The Bears will be much improved ... but not in this venue, on Sunday night.
* Rams 30, at raiders (+3) 28 (OT). This one will be worth waiting up for.
The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week.
This week, "K"KK retweeted a meme ... and, well ...
Now, I freely admit, in the interest of full disclosure that (a) I have never been married, (b) never been engaged, (c) haven't seen a relationship with the opposite sex see month four in over a year, and (d) freely admit (a), (b), and (c).
Having said that?
Yeah, she's right.
Oh, Ol' Klassy. Klassy Kev. Ol' "K"KK. Our (alleged) Khief Kheater on an (alleged) street in a suburb (allegedly) nicknamed Perfect Village. Please, may your self-righteous and hypocritical portrayal as the family man our nation needs to save itself from ... whatever the hell the latest outrage on the lunatic left or religious right is, never cease to humor me.
The Watching Party Plans.
We'll be on The Deck for this one for sure. Sadly, the water temp will probably be too cold to float while watching this game in The Pool, but The Pool (as of now) will be open through at least the home opener for those of you brave enough to enter it.
The menu will be some kind of chicken (given that it's the "Super" Chargers), The Beer Machine was full as of yesterday evening, and there'll be plenty of seating and other assorted sh*t available for you.
Feel free to come out and join us.
The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for.
Stevo's Drink O' The Week.
This week -- honestly, for a couple weeks -- I've been on a Windsor and Dr. Pepper kick. Windsor is certainly not my whiskey of choice (that would be Weller) ... but for the low, low price of $13.95 for a handle (at the Price Chopper on 85th and Wornall), it's a solid, solid value. When $20 between the booze and the mixer can get you through at least half a week, it's a winner in my book.
Feel free to give it a try. It's not a bad lil' libation.
The Flashback.
It still remains my favorite play of all time ... which probably says more about how bereft of defining moments the Chiefs have been for most of my life.
Peoples and peepettes, Tamarick Vanover, October 6, 1995, 11:47pm CT:
(start at the 0:27 second mark if I didn't get the embed right)
But man, I wish I had the ABC broadcast call. Because it's so damned perfect.
I still tear up, twenty three years later, the moment I hear "boy, did he loft that one" out of Frank Gifford, to open the play.
I missed a few games while I was in college.
This is the one I regret missing the most.
Bar none.
Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update.
I cannot believe I have been in this job for a year. September 6, 2017. Where has the time gone?
More to the point, I cannot believe I managed to pull off the last year, with exactly ten days of paid time off.
It required some juggling. It required some "creative scheduling". It definitely required a boss as motivated during the dog days of summer as I am (namely, no motivation at all).
Somehow, I made it.
And Disreputable Mexican Food Truck made it too. The line for that thing is still ten deep, even at 12:30 on a 96 degree afternoon (which we've (thankfully) had a sh*t ton of here in KC the last six, seven weeks).
Here's to another year of doing business with ya, Disreputable Mexican Food Truck.
The Jets Prediction.
As the leader of the "please, dear God, anyone but Sam Darnold" club ... let the fun begin.
Because at least he has a semi-high and somewhat-hard hurdle to leap over. The last two "franchise saviors" who started within a year of being drafted, both led the Jets to at least the Divisional Round, their first full year at the helm (2002 Chadwick Pennington; 2009 Mark Sanchez).
Which (and in the interest of full disclosure, the Jets are my 1B team: I root for them anytime they either (a) don't face the Chiefs, or (b) need to lose to help the Chiefs postseason chances) doesn't mean jack sh*t to us Chiefs fans. Every 49ers retread brought in here over the last 25 years -- and there were five of them, at least reached the Divisional Round of the playoffs as well (1992 Steve DeBerg, 1993 Joe Montana, 1995 Steve Bono, 1997 Elvis Grbac, 2015 and 2016 "Sir" Alex Smith).
I'm lower on the Jets this year than most. Because I think Sam Darnold is going to make JaMarcus Russell look like a success by the time his career is over. But here's to hoping I'm wr ... wr ... wr ... possibly incorrect.
* at Lions (-6 1/2) 31, Jets 13.
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
(Sadly, for the eleventh year in a row ... still porn star free. You old school "Tony Bruno Morning Extravaganza" fans out there, will get that shoutout. The rest of you? Just know, the "Extravaganza" was the greatest sports radio morning show ever. And it's co-host for all those years? (Pause). You guessed it -- Frank Stallone! Just kidding -- it was Andrew Siciliano.)
(stevo organizing the sermon notes)
("the congregation" growing restless)
(stevo taking a healthy swig of his windsor and dr. pepper)
Let's begin.
--------------------
Many Chiefs fans will focus on the theme to this post, focus on the fact that Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" is making his first season opening start as a NFL quarterback for our Red and Gold, and naturally assume that the focus of this, will be on Mr. Mahomes.
And you would be wrong.
Because it's not Mr. Mahomes who will determine the fate of this franchise -- this season, next season, or (highly likely) anytime in the next four to five seasons.
I mean, sure, fine, ok -- he will determine it.
But not without significant help, one way or the other.
There's only one person who we need to be the king, when kingdom comes, over these next few years.
And that man?
Is even newer to his job, than Mr. Mahomes.
--------------------
My brother and I had a healthy rivalry growing up. And by healthy, if you mean "he bashed my head into a window sill until I needed stitches more than once", then yes, it was healthy.
(Note: I was almost three when Drew was born. He can still kick my ass eight ways from Sunday at any "sport", save for "trivia" and or "tailgating". I call that a draw, to be honest.)
Part of that rivalry is that whoever I rooted for, he always picked the opposite. For example, I rooted for the Knicks; he picked the Bulls. I rooted for the Royals; he cheered on the A's.
And growing up, you'd never meet a bigger fan of Nebraska football in the late 1980s / well into the 1990s, here in the KC Metro?
Than me.
So naturally, Drew went for Colorado, who had all but replaced Oklahoma as the biggest Husker rival, following Barry Switzer's departure (from OU) and Bill McCartney's arrival (at CU).
Those late 1980s / early 1990s Buffaloes teams were loaded with talent. Possibly none more talented than a running back by the name of Eric Bieniemy. (Or as Chris Berman famously nicknamed him (and for once, it's a funny one): Eric "Sleeping With" Bieniemy.)
Through some strange shenanigans, we had the chance to meet Mr. Bieniemy sometime in the early 1990s. I don't recall when or where, but I know my brother got his autograph, because I still remember the signed autograph on it.
It's that autograph, that has me so f*cking ready, for this season -- and at least a few more, I hope and pray -- to come.
--------------------
There's a mindset around this team, I'm not sure I've ever seen before.
It's not just a desire to bring Lamar's Trophy home. That mindset has been here before, perhaps never more so than in 1997 and 1998. (And certainly in 2005; in hindsight, Dick Vermeil's "I'm too damned old to play for overtime" quote seems more prescient by the hour, given Lamar's fading health (he'd be dead within thirteen months, of that LJ touchdown as time expired against the raiders, to open the second half of the 2005 season).)
This time, it's different.
It's a mindset we haven't seen, top to bottom, honestly, since 1993.
The mindset, that Lamar's Trophy isn't enough.
And the catalyst to fuel that?
Is not who you'd think it is, in my (
--------------------
The three key ingredients to this season, on the surface? Two have had tremendous success through others. Have lived the ultimate success of sports through others.
Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" has a multi-World Series winning father. "Fat" Andy Reid has a coaching tree to (kim carnes voice) make a pro blush, and of course has a Super Bowl ring as an assistant in Green Bay, and reached a Super Bowl in Philly on his watch.
But only one of the surface three key ingredients?
Can say what the key, uuh, ingredient, is.
--------------------
"No one can ever take a championship away from you.
-- Eric Bieniemy"
--------------------
That's the one line quote Mr. Bieniemy wrote on my brother's piece of paper pushing 30 years ago. And it's as true today, as it was then.
I am sure Drew wanted him to write something to tweek his Husker fan brother. (Oh, how that karma bit your Buffs in the ass, my dear friend, over the ensuing six years.) And I am sure, given Mr. Bieniemy's personality, he leaped at the chance to tweek me.
Which is why the quote has always stuck with me.
"No one can ever take a championship away from you."
The one key ingredient who knows how to win that championship, for a Chiefs franchise that hasn't done so since my mom and dad were barely hooking up, let alone married, with me to boot as a failed Spring Break mistake ** six years away?
Is Chiefs offensive coordinator Eric Bieniemy.
He's been the focal point of the nation -- him against the world, so to speak, his team and fan base's dreams, hopes, and prayers squarely on his shoulders.
And he's delivered.
--------------------
(**: it's never failed to make me laugh, to be referred to as that. Apparently 1976 was a big deal for some reason. Who knew?)
--------------------
For what it's worth, at least to me, Eric Bieniemy is THE key to the Chiefs season.
As a running backs coach over the last ten years in this league, he has overseen four of the best performances of my generation: Adrian Peterson's rushing title in Minnesota in 2008, Jamaal Charles' 2013 effort, and Kareem Hunt's rushing title last year.
To say nothing of grabbing Spencer Ware out of nowhere, to fuel the 2015 and 2016 Chiefs, after Jamaal Charles' injury cost him most of both seasons.
To me, the biggest question to the Chiefs season isn't if Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" pans out or not. A team as talented as the Chiefs can win ten games with simply a league-replacement level QB under center.
(If you doubt me? 2013, 2015. 2016, 2017. And 2014 was rock bottom ... at nine wins.)
And it's not if "Fat" Andy will choke in January again, because that's an insane argument easily rebuffed by his 11-13 record post Week Seventeen, in his 19 years at the helm.
(If averaging the Divisional Round for damned near your whole career is a "choke job"? Then don't perform the Heimlich on me.)
And honestly, it's not even Mr. Bieniemy himself, even if he is the single biggest question mark on paper, the Chiefs face.
No, it's how he manages to handle the running game -- the emergence of Kareem Hunt, the return of Spencer Ware, the influx of the Williams boys -- that will define this season.
Because if Eric Bieniemy can craft a running game that can carve up approaching 100 yards a game on the ground? If not even more?
This is going to be one epic season, to watch unfold.
Irregardless of what Mr. Mahomes manages to do, on his own.
--------------------
A few weeks ago, one of the newbies at Arrowhead Pride tweeted out and asked what the most ridiculous Chiefs prediction of 2018 you had to offer.
Mine was "this team can easily open 0-3, and still easily win the division anyways".
I don't believe the Chiefs will open 0-3.
In fact, I believe the opposite.
I actually think there's a damned good chance this team arrives in Foxboro at 5-0, not even a year after they opened 5-0 leaving Foxboro.
(Note: they won't ... but it's not an improbable leap of faith to see the Chiefs beating a Chargers team that is
But I certainly don't think they're gonna open 0-3.
They're at least opening 1-0.
Because I not only believe Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs", and "Fat" Andy Reid, and "Bulldog" Bob Sutton (somehow) are/is up to the positions they're payed to fill?
I really believe the king the kingdom has needed for forty eight years and counting?
Is.
I can't wait to see, what Eric Bieniemy is going to do. Because (seinfeld voice) it will be real, and it will be spectacular.
* Chiefs (+3 1/2) 28, at "Super" Chargers 10.
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