the ten crappiest tv shows ever

My latest addiction in life (joining booze, bowling, basketball, football, motorsports, politics, and fun adult entertainment) is watching crappy old shows on Hulu.

You know, the shows we grew up watching, and look back now and can only shake our heads and think "what the hell were we thinking by watching (insert show here)?!?!"

Me and a few friends have been having a spirited debate lately over what the worst show of all time is. I argue there's one that stands head and shoulders over all other challengers. But to identify the cream of the crap, you have to give all the contenders a chance to prove their crappiness.

Here then, are my top 10 Crappiest TV Shows ever.

Dis-honorable Mention: "ALF". This show is wretched. Its brutally unwatchable at times. And originally this show was 7th in my preliminary rankings. But after pretty much re-watching the entire 3rd season over the last few days ... I had to remove it from the top 10. There are a few moments that are actually funny. Not many. But a few. So its spared being in the worst of the worst. Barely.

10. "Webster". Hey, I've got an idea for a hit show: let's take a gambling addicted former NFL player, pick a not-even-remotely attractive actress to play his wife, and toss in a black midget to boot! Hilarity will ensue! Or not. This show is horrendous. Its beyond awful.

9. "Matlock". I don't know what more unbelievable: the idea of every defendant being innocent ... or the idea that a seasoned citizen attorney somehow, someway ALWAYS finds the one piece of vital evidence to get his client off.

8. "Renegade". Because when I think of believable law enforcement show, Lorenzo Lamas as a wrongly-framed guy on the run, righting the wrongs of society, immediately comes to mind. Aye caramba. And did I mention it stars Lorenzo Lamas! Cracked Magazine.

7. "The Hogan Family". To think NBC once had this AND "ALF" as the opening hour of its Monday night lineup. Cracked Magazine.

6. "Head of the Class". The show that made Robin Givens a star. Just repeat that phrase if you have any doubts about why this show is in the Craptacular Countdown. "The show that made Robin Givens a star".

5. "Mad About You". I hate this show with a passion. Not a Paul Reiser fan. Not a Helen Hunt fan. And once that annoying kid was added, whatever last semblance of watchability this show had went down the proverbial crapper.

4. "Airwolf". Ernest Borgnine plus Jan Michael Vincent? My God. How this show lasted multiple episodes, let alone multiple seasons, defies any semblance of logic. Again, its Ernest Borgnine! Ernest freaking Borgnine! As a frigging renegade pilot!

3. "Major Dad". CBS had some great, and I mean great, sitcoms on Monday night as the 1990s dawned. "Murphy Brown", "Designing Women", "Evening Shade". All thoroughly enjoyable, entertaining, worth the half hour investment of your time. Then, there was "Major Dad". How this retarded idea ever got green-lighted, I have no idea. How it lasted at least 4 seasons, I have no idea. How this isn't number one in this crappy countdown, I do have an idea about. Because there were two shows worse than this. Including ...

2. "Empty Nest". If it wasn't for the strong resume of crapitude of the number one show, this one would have lapped the field. You start with a brutally unfunny Richard Mulligan. Toss in two annoying as hell daughters, played by the irritating Carol Manoff and Kristy MacNichol (who had the common sense to bail on this show midway through its run). Throw in that annoying black chick from "Night Court" as a nurse, and you've already got a recipe for disaster. But no, NBC didn't stop there. They had to throw in David Leisure as the wacky neighbor Charlie. Amazingly, this show was a spin-off from a damned good sitcom ("The Golden Girls"). Not amazingly, you won't laugh for one second watching any episode of this crappy waste of broadcasting bandwidth.

So that leaves our "winner". A show that nails every key component to craptacular perfection. Bad acting, p*ss poor plot lines, utterly unbelievable story ideas, and the single worst character ever unleashed upon the sitcom watching public.

Yup. This is it.

(This is it).

This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball!
This is it! (This is it!)
Straight ahead, and rest assured, you can't be sure at all.
So while you're here, enjoy the view,
Keep on doin' what you do!
Hang on tight, we'll muddle through,
One Day at a Time!

Yes, the Steve anointed crappiest show of all time is ... "One Day at a Time".

Bonnie Franklin plays Ann Romano, a divorced mom of two who decides to uproot the family and move to Indianapolis. Two minutes of watching her "act", and its easy to see why her husband left her. She's got two daughters, played by Mackenzie Phillips and Valerie Bertanelli. Only one of the two is even remotely appealing and watchable. And as if those three actresses aren't brutal enough, you have the presence of the single worst sitcom character ever, Schneider. The wise-cracking building supervisor who is way too involved in his tenants lives.

There's one episode that stands out above all the rest, and believe me, distinguishing yourself from the other crappy episodes this show unleashed on the public is saying something. Its the episode where Julie debates whether or not to have sex with a guy she's been seeing.

OK, set aside the whole "when's the right time to do it for the first time" cliched storyline that every sitcom plays out (often hilariously). Set aside the obvious sex jokes that are littered in the episode, the totally predictable mother-daughter discussion, and the not even remotely shocking ending (she decides to wait). There's one really big problem with this episode, this storyline, this pivotal episode to the show. And its this:

Who would actually have sex with Mackenzie Phillips? We're talking about a drug addict. She isn't wearing much, if any, makeup in this episode. She's got acne issues. Her hairdo is unflattering. Her outfits are repulsive. And she has a gap in her two front teeth that would make Michael Strahan jealous. And yet, we're supposed to believe that the quarterback of her school's football team is trying to tap that?!?! Come on man! That's more unbelievable than anything I can imagine.

And seals "One Day at a Time"'s spot at the top of this countdown.