the fake mailbag 2.0

Wow, three straight days with a post? You'd think football season was coming around or something.

Oh.

As always ... ok, for the second time ever, these are "fake questions" by "real readers" of the blog. Wait, they are real readers, for the most part, probably shouldn't have put that in quotes ...

* "Is there anything you wish you could change about Kansas City?" -- Mona H, Raytown.

Well, actually, there is, now that you mention it. And its a big time pet peeve of mine.

Name the freaking freeways already!

I'm sure each freeway has some "official" name that has a sign and crap around it. But other than 69 through Overland Park (lamely named the "Overland Parkway"), what freaking freeway in this city has a name attached to it in a traffic report?

That's part of the beauty of Dallas, of Chicago, of LA. They all have names for their traffic nightmares.

I figure we have (at least) 10 stretches of freeway to name in this town. Nine of them are up for naming rights:

* I-35 on the Missouri side.
* I-35 on the Kansas side.
* US 69 on the Kansas side (the "Overland Parkway").
* I-435 around the city.
* I-470.
* I-635, both sides of the state line.
* Missouri 152.
* Kansas 7.
* Missouri 291.

All heavily traveled freeways that need a name.

But where you have to start is the 10th stretch, unnamed above. A stretch that the name so fits, it has to stick.

* I-70 in Missouri. Has to be "The Dred". Named after Dred Scott, of course, the abused, mistreated slave whose plight should taint the state of Missouri forever. But think about it. People on our side of the state / metro area "dred" heading east, because you have to go through Columbia (Jayhawk fans) and St. Louis (anyone with a brain). People on the other side of the state "dred" heading west, because you have to go through Columbia (Illini fans), and Kansas City (anyone hailing from the wannabe Chicago). And if you actually want to go to Columbia, well, most folks on either side of the state "dred" you.

Seriously, how has this not happened?

I-70 in Missouri is now known as "The Dred". Done and done. Next query.

* "This 300,001st ounce tailgate ... no sh*t? 300,001 ounces?" -- Ashley K, Shawnee.

According to the trained professionals ... ok, the friends with adding machines, I actually hit the mark last week Friday. So its a belated tailgate. But seriously, 300,000 ounces of booze in only 15 years of drinking. That's ... sweet Jesus, that's a serious health risk. That alone should mandate you show up!

* "How weird will it be to cheer a visiting player in two weeks"? -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

Not half as weird as having you in "my" section for the foreseeable future. I just hope you have a comfortable pair of shoes. (joe biden voice) We don't sit in 132, pal.

Seriously, this is going to be ... uuh, insane? (arguably) THE two biggest Chiefs die-hards I know ... former roommates, best pals ... now sitting literally a couple rows apart? How could you NOT want to move down to 132 for games this year?

* "Did you see Scott Howard-Cooper's column on Brandon Jennings? Good stuff"! -- Drew K, Shawnee.

Yup. Almost as good as a chilled bottle of Relax Riesling and a Macanudo Maduro on a 72 degree July evening. Ooh! Speaking of "Riesling" ...

* "Can he do it? Can Todd Reesing win the Heisman"? -- Heath C, Harrisonville.

No. He can, however, go 11-3, win the Big XII North, earn a Big XII Title Game berth, win a Holiday Bowl over Cal, Oregon, or Arizona State (whoever's USC's first b*tch this fall), and position himself as a Day 3 NFL Draft pick if some team wises up to what the NFL will look like in 4 years. To say nothing of completely, for once and all, legitimizing Kansas Football for years to come. Which reminds me, I got this "inquiry" as well:

* "Is Todd Reesing the single most influential person to ever step foot on the University of Kansas' campus in the last 20 years"? -- Mark M, Lawrence.

* "I tell you, that Todd Riesling kid, is tougher than $2 steak night at the Sizzler. And I'm a biased OU fan dreading my quad-annual trip to Memorial Stadium this fall" -- Good Ol' JR, Norman, OK.

* "The KU girls ... puppies!" -- The King, Jerry Lawler, Memphis, TN.

* "They're stacked, man. Stacked"! -- Justin B, Olathe.

* "KU girls ... sweet Jesus. I'd so go back. For just one weekend. Just one f*cking weekend". -- Brent S, Roeland Park.

* "Hey! Focus on my question! Forget how insanely hot KU girls are! And how much more slutty, hot, and easily available they are than when you reached college 15 years ago! Todd Reesing! Guttiest guy I know! Is he the best thing to step foot on campus in the last 20 years! (towel snap!)" -- Mark M, Lawrence.

I can't believe I'm saying this ... yes. Yes. 1,000 times yes. Hell f*cking yes.

Name me one person who has had a bigger impact on that university in 20 years than Todd Reesing. Name just one.

Todd Reesing stepped into an impossible, almost gravestone worthy situation ... and has gone 20-6 as a starter. He's staring a 10-4, 11-3 season the face. He's the ONLY quarterback in KU history to take his school to back-to-back bowl games. He's got a damned good shot at being the starting QB in 2 BCS bowl games in 3 years. For a f*cking doormat of a program as recently as 5 years ago.

Todd gets my vote, "Coach". Although "you" have a legitimate argument, as does AD Lew Perkins. Moving on:

* "Really? Every weekend for, like, a decade? You can drink that much, play that much volleyball, and STILL make work on Monday in functional shape? How? How the hell is that possible"? -- Katie H, Lenexa.

Years of practice, chica. That, and the genetics of an alcoholic family.

* "So, this "Dusty should bring a change of clothes" comment. It WAS a joke, right? Right"? -- Kellie B, KC KS.

Absolutely. Nothing but harmless word play.

* "You're sure"? -- Dusty J, Independence.

Absolutely. Nothing but harmless word play.

* "So you have a sign in mind"? -- Russ H, Raytown.

Wouldn't have it any other way.

OK, lighting round:

* "Did Montoya deserve the penalty? (string of expletives) the Car of Tomorrow"! -- Gus B, Raytown.

Yes, he deserved it. It sucks, history would have ruled over the crap that happened, but he deserved it.

And yes, the Car of Tomorrow is a (string of expletives).

* "Favorite song of 2009 so far"? -- Jason H, Overland Park.

"Funny The Way It Is" by Dave Matthews band. Its the best song he's done since "The Space Between Us". Its the best CD they've put out since the duet deal with just him and Tim Reynolds at Luther College. Awesome, awesome, awesome stuff.

* "What day are you most anticipating next month"? -- Jenni G-R, Canton, IL.

Easy. August 15. Your return. Your family's return. Your brother triumphantly taking the field at Arrowhead. But best of all ... the day Time Warner gets kicked to the curb, and, well, I'll let another good friend take this answer home:

* "Finally! DirecTV! Has come back ... to Steve's Apartment! If you Smmmmmmmmm-elllllll ... what the Rock ... is Cooking"! -- The Rock, parts unknown.

I still want to know what the hell happened to our old "Smell What the Rock is Cooking" picture in the old kitchen.

* "A three part finale"! -- loyal readers, everywhere.

OK.

1. "You've hit the one year anniversary of the site. As your most loyal reader, fan, and friend ... what is your favorite post you've ever published"? -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

This one. No brainer.

2. "This is post 198. Do you have anything special planned for Post 200"? -- Brent S, Roeland Park.

Maybe. I've got a few ideas floating in my head that have yet to materialize.

3. "We ARE doing trivia again between golf and bowling, right"? -- Damien J, Midtown.

Christ, I hope so.