with hopefully more coming once I get some sleep ...
1. First place. With six to go. (dusty voice) come on. everybody's doing it. (stevo voice) even if you're not, you "i'm kinda, sorta, on the bandwagon, only because I guess I have to be or else Steve might melt down, so I'll play along for his sanity" lovable guy. (dusty voice) come on. (steve interrupting dusty voice) For God's sake! Hop on the Effing Bandwagon!!!
2. Apparently orange juice with an expiration date of 10/31 ... expires on 10/31. Remember that the next time you feel like a screwdriver at 7:05am.
3. The iPod hookup is beautiful.
4. I cannot wait for the mail come Tuesday. Wednesday at the latest. Because I think we're about due for a ticket extortion letter known as "The National Football League has authorized the Chiefs to sell tickets to a potential January playoff matchup(s) ..."
5. First place. With six to go. Nobody's tied with us. Nobody's statistical points ahead of us. Its just the Chiefs. At 6-4. Nobody else in the AFC West has six wins. oakland has five. If there's a God, both denver and San Diego will have four after tomorrow. It's OUR division to lose! Or, at I so classlessly put it leaving today, (steve text message voice) how's that ass taste oakland? how does that f*cking ass taste!!!
Its Seahawks Week! I'm not sure what that means, other than ... we're one step closer to a championship ... (linkin park voice) and I'm about to break!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
the bottom of the barrel
Deadspin today posted it's list of the 100 Worst Players in NFL History.
Shockingly, very few Chiefs appear on the list. I thought this was an outrage, given (a) the fact that the Chiefs once went 15 consecutive seasons without finishing above .500, (b) the Chiefs can match their win total for the last two seasons combined with a win on Sunday, and (c) this team has only made the playoffs four times in the last fifteen years. To be that bad, you have to have a wonderful collection of losers, busts, and all-out talentless hacks on your roster.
Here then, is one hot-as-hell blogger's ranking of the 18 worst players and 2 worst assistant coaches in Chiefs history.
(Note: there aren't any people on this list from before the mid 1980s. That's because I was born in 1977. I didn't start really paying attention to football until I was 7 ... right in the mid 1980s. So while I'm sure there were some horrific Chiefs in the 1970s and before, they likely won't make this list. Case in point, Todd Blackledge, would make nearly any Chiefs fans list of "Worst Draft Picks Ever" and "Worst Chiefs Player Ever". He does not appear on this list. Has to be guys I whose pathetic attempts to play or coach I watched ... or at least have a memory of watching ...).
20. Tim Krumrie, DL Coach 2006-2009. To be fair, he faced the daunting task of replacing a coach everyone in this town loved, the awesome Bob Karmelowitz. OK, at least I loved Bob, even though he probably deserves a spot in this list as well, given how sh*tty our defensive line was during the Vermeil years.
But Krumrie was worse. By his third season overseeing the line (2008), he had six high draft choices from the previous few drafts under his watch -- Ryan Sims (1st, 2002), Junior Siavii (2nd, 2003), Tamba Hali (1st, 2006), Tank Tyler (2nd, 2007), Turk McBride (3rd, 2007), Glenn Dorsey (1st, 2008) -- and to his credit, the Chiefs did set a NFL record.
For the fewest sacks recorded in a 16 game season.
Thankfully, Krumrie was finally shown the door after last year's disasterous 4-12 season.
Oh, and those high draft picks that Krumrie was responsible for coaching to their potential? Two of them (Tyler, McBride) are out of the League, two of them (Siavii, Sims) are riding the bench for the Seahawks and Bucs respectively, Dorsey is finally beginning to perform to his draft status, and Tamba Hali is finally playing at a Pro Bowl level ... at linebacker.
Tim Krumrie, the 2nd worst assistant coach in Chiefs history.
19. Paul Palmer, RB 1987-1988.
To Paul's ever-lasting credit, he was the draft pick that broke the proverbial camel's back. Because once "never worth a damn" GM Jim Schaaf and "stayed so long the game passed him by" President Jack Steadman wasted the 19th overall pick in 1987 on this bust of a running back from Temple, owner Lamar Hunt finally had seen enough. Within a year, he fired Schaaf, kicked Steadman upstairs, and hired a bright young executive named Carl Peterson to finally put the franchise onto a winning track. So I guess we should be somewhat grateful to Paul Palmer for helping to usher in a pretty solid 15 year run.
Then again, Palmer's the guy who once threatened to intentionally fumble if more plays weren't called for him, so he's probably not someone worth being grateful about.
16, 17, and 18. Jayice Pearson, DB 1986-1992; Jeff Donaldson, DB 1990; Stan Petry, DB 1989-1990.
One of the very few drawbacks to the stadium renovations, is that the signs indicating what section you are arriving at, no longer have pictures of memorable moments in Chiefs history.
I used to love those pics. Seeing DT boatrace john elway from the 1992 Christmas Day game in section 128. Seeing Christian Okoye from the Bills Monday Nighter in 1991 in section 134.
But my favorite pic, was the one that used to announce you'd arrived in my section, 132. It's the only picture I can recall where a bad play for the Chiefs was featured, but that day, that game, was so epically awful, it deserved it's place in the annals of history.
The day Warren Moon rolled into town on a cold, drizzly December afternoon ... and promptly torched Jayice Pearson, Stan Petry, Number Six on this List, and Jeff Donaldson for 550 yards and four touchdowns.
The pic was the last touchdown the Oilers scored that day. It was Haywood Jeffries literally splitting Petry and Donaldson, taking off for the end zone, as Petry and Donaldson both dive and whiff on the tackle. Also lunging in from behind was Pearson, who also whiffed, and failing to stop Jeffries from turning a 20 yard gain into an 80 yard touchdown, was Number Six on this List. That picture never failed to make me laugh. Four Chiefs DBs on one wide receiver, and ALL of them whiff on the tackle. Obviously, it didn't make the Chiefs front office laugh, as two were cut after the season, and Pearson and Number Six on the List were gone shortly after that.
(That should also tell you something -- Warren Moon had so little regard for these four, that he threw into QUADRUPLE coverage!)
In an incredible coincidence, Stan Petry and I share a degree from the same university! Wow! And here us TCU alumnuses have spent our whole lives debating whether Sammy Baugh or LDT is the best player we've ever sent to the NFL. We can still have that debate ... but it's time to launch another debate: who's the WORST player we've ever sent to the NFL: Stan Petry, or Larry Brown? There's no easy answer to that one.
Pearson has gone on to some limited fame and fortune as a broadcaster for FOX Sports ... only, he's so highly respected and regarded at that network, that in the nearly ten years of him calling games for them, they have yet to spell his name correctly when he appears on screen. It's always "JC", not "Jayice". Beautiful.
As for Donaldson, he usually shows up for Alumni Weekend. That's the one thing about this list of players and coaches that never fails to make me shake my head and laugh, is that a lot of these lovable folks still show up every year to a warm round of applause from the very fans that were chucking things at their TVs while watching them play, or hurling expletives at them inside the stadium watching them play. Never fails to make me laugh, showing respect to the guys we hated. (Especially Number Three on this list. That guy never misses an Alumni Day, and every year for Alumni Weekend, I always theme my picks post around his "illustrious" on-field career. But we'll get to him in a little while).
15. Brett Perriman, WR 1997.
For his career, Perriman is a very curious inclusion on this list. He made multiple Pro Bowls with the Detroit Lions, his free agent signing was widely hailed as a coup in the 1997 offseason, and having met the guy a few times (my brother and his son played on the same soccer club in high school), he's a decent all around dude who just wound up in a bad situation here in KC.
Which is why he made the list. He contributed nothing on the field. He had one meaningful play as a Chief, and it didn't count -- when on the final drive in oakland that culminated in Andre Rison's touchdown (and epic extra point meltdown by Number Three on this list, who now that I think about it, might wind up even higher ...), he made a tremendous catch, getting two feet down before falling to the ground to pick up a first down and ostensibly stop the clock by getting out of bounds.
The only problem was ... he did all this while he was already 10 feet out of bounds. He couldn't tell, in the words of Dan Dierdorf that night, "where the definition of the sideline is". Oy.
14. Trezelle Jenkins, OL 1995-1997.
A first round bust out of Michigan, the selection of which was widely ripped from the moment it occurred. This is without question Carl's biggest disaster of a pick in the first round. More incredibly, it would be his 4th "bust" in a row in the first round. More on this when we get to Number Seven. As noted on Trezelle's Wikipedia page, he "tried out for the San Francisco Demons of the XFL ... but failed to make the roster". Yikes. I mean, yikes. When you can't make the XFL ...
13. Harvey Williams, RB 1991-1993.
Another first round disaster. He never could get past either Chrisian Okoye or Barry Word on the depth chart, and Carl Peterson was so excited by the possibility of Williams getting on the field more in 1993, that he immediately signed a 36 year old Marcus Allen to keep Harvey buried on the depth chart, and promptly drafted Number Seven the following season.
Harvey went on to sign with the raiders, and somehow lasted five years by the Bay, before retiring from football.
12. "Cut" Glenn Cadrez, LB 2001-2002.
There may honestly be no player in franchise history more hated by my ex-roommate Gregg than this guy. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with Greg Robinson's incredible belief that "Cut" Glenn Cadrez was better suited for his defense than the linebacker at the time, some (eventual) multiple Pro-Bowler named Donnie Edwards.
I'm sure some of it also has to do with the fact that "Cut" Glenn Cadrez came to us from denver, and wasn't really all that great while playing for the donkeys.
But I guarantee you, the primary reason for the hate, is that "Cut" Glenn Cadrez flat out sucked ass on the football field. He couldn't cover anyone. He didn't have the speed to rush the passer. And his tackling skills rivaled that of Number Six on this list, a man so brutally awful at his most basic responsibility that we named whiffing on a tackle after him.
"Cut" Glenn lasted two seasons with the Chiefs, and was a starter on what so far remains the worst statistical defense in NFL History, the "32 Defense" from the 2002 season. (I say "so far" because if things keep going the way they are, the 2010 Texans might surpass the 2002 Chiefs as "worst statistical defense ever").
Amazingly, according to his Wikipedia page, "Cut" Glenn has done very well for himself in his life after football -- he's married to Brande Roderick! How did that happen?!?!
And how does "Cut" Glenn Cadrez get his own Wikipedia page?!?! Someone obviously has a lot of free time on their hands ...
11. "Broke" Brodie Croyle, QB 2006-present.
In the interest of full disclosure ... I like Brodie Croyle. Nobody was more pumped on Draft Day 2006 than me when we grabbed this guy in the third round. Nobody was more excited for the stretch run in 2007 with Croyle under center than I was. I like the guy. I wanted him to succeed.
Sadly, "Broke" Brodie can't stay healthy, can't throw a deep pass, and can't win -- he's 0-10 as a starter in this league, and the only two games he's had significant playing time in that he didn't start, the Chiefs lost both of those as well, so you can safely put 0-12 as his record. Call me crazy, but when you go 0-12 as a starter, you probably aren't a NFL caliber starting quarterback.
10. Justin Medlock, K 2007.
Medlock lasted exactly one game as the Chiefs starting kicker, after being drafted in the fifth round of the 2007 draft out of UCLA. The first drive of the season on that awesome day in Houston (recapped elsewhere on this site), the Chiefs offense stalled at the Texans 13 yard line. In trotted Justin Medlock.
Who promptly missed the 30 yard attempt wide right by a solid 25 feet.
Medlock was cut the following day, and hasn't really caught on with any other NFL teams since. Probably because the other NFL teams popped in a tape of that Texans kick, and thought "holy crap, if this guy is 25 feet off from 30 yards out, he probably can't kick worth a damn!"
9. Carlton Gray, S 1995-1999.
A Pro Bowl safety with the Giants, Gray signed a huge free agent contract after the 1994 season with the Chiefs ...
And then spent the next five years stealing a paycheck on the bench.
How'd he do it? I mean, I know the salary cap was much more brutal in the mid to late 90s than it ever was in the 2000s, but how the hell did Gray manage to avoid getting cut for five straight years? Did he have incriminating photos of Carl Peterson and a transvestite clown in a cheap motel room on US40? Did he kidnap a member of the Peterson or Hunt family and hold them as hostage in exchange for his roster spot? It boggles the mind that this guy basically got paid for five straight years millions of dollars to just sit on the bench. He never was active. He didn't even play special teams. He just stole millions of dollars over a five year period.
Man, I wish I knew how he did it ... so that I could replicate the feat ...
8. Matt Blundin, QB 1990-1993.
Blundin was the second of many draft picks at quarterback by Carl Peterson that never materialized into anything of value in the League. (The first? The immortal Mike Elkins, who is now a country music recording artist. Unbelievable). And God knows there's a long list of clunkers to choose from, but Blundin is the worst. Simply because he never got on the field.
A second round pick out of Virginia in 1992, Blundin never made a start in his four seasons with the Chiefs. He attempted 7 passes (completing 1, woo!) in those four years. Blundin was so far behind the curve in his third season that when both Joe Montana and Steve Bono were injured, the Chiefs went out and signed Todd Van Pelt as an emergency starter. It's always a good sign when you've been on the roster for three years, and the coaching staff has such confidence in your abilities, that they sign a dude off the street to step in and play, instead of promoting you.
(Although in the Chiefs defense ... I would have done the same thing. "He knows the system!" Yet another Biden-esque gaffe out of me back in the day).
Blundin went on to back up (arguably) the biggest free agency bust of all time in Scott Mitchell with the Lions after his tenure here ended. Like in Kansas City, Blundin never started a game, and never saw the field, other than from his view on the sideline.
7. Greg Hill, RB 1994-1997.
Yet another first round bust from Carl Peterson in the early 1990s -- and the worst is still yet to come. Seriously, Carl absolutely crapped his pants on 4 of his first 5 first round picks ... and yet the Chiefs got better every year, until it finally caught up with them in 1998. (Just like the ineptitude of Carl's drafting from 2000-2005 finally caught up with us in 2007).
How does that happen? How do you whiff on the biggest decision you make as a GM, and your team improves? Another one of those mysteries in life I will never understand.
Hill showed some flashes of greatness in his limited playing time. He was a rock solid complimentary / relief back for Marcus Allen for his first three years, and had solid yards-per-carry numbers to back up that compliment. Then came 1997, when Marty installed Hill as the starter ... and it was a debacle. The Chiefs lack of a running game bit them in the ass in the playoffs against denver, and then really bit them in the ass the following season, as out of desperation we traded for Bam Morris and all of his baggage.
There's also the (alleged) hook-ups between Marty and Hill's girlfriend, maybe that distracted him. Whatever the case, a first round pick should never be a platoon player four years into his career. That's a whiff of a pick.
6. Charles "Chuck" Mincy, DB 1991-1994.
When it comes to defining how NOT to play the defensive back position, I can think of no finer example ... than the number one person on this list, a man who not only ranks as the worst Chiefs player ever, he also ranks as my most hated Chiefs player ever, a list that, to be fair, consists of him and him alone, but still. I hate Number One on this List with a freaking passion.
But, if you had to go to a backup plan, studying "Chuck" Mincy isn't a bad backup plan. Because the dude could not tackle. The best example of this was in the Chiefs 1992 Wild Card defeat at San Diego. It's a scoreless game into the third quarter. Chargers RB Marion "I Like Big" Butts "And I Cannot Lie!" takes a handoff up the middle, gets through the front seven, and standing in front of him is Chuck Mincy, in perfect position to make the tackle.
Only, Mincy does some kind of a sideways move, anticipating Butts will try to juke him. He doesn't -- Butts was prepared to just plow into him. Instead, Butts ran untouched for the Chargers first points, and what turned out to be the winning points. (Yet another crushing Chiefs defeat on my birthday, or within a day of it. If we suffer a loss on January 2 this year to cost us the division, I'm applying to the courts to have my birthday legally changed to May 14, when the Chiefs can't lose).
"The Chuck Mincy Move" has been used ever since to describe a blown tackle. So the next time you hear someone say, "Wow, nice job Chuck Mincy" or "He tackles like Chuck Mincy", don't take it as a compliment.
5. Junior Siavii, DL 2004-2005.
Of all the horrendous defensive linemen to wear the Chiefs uniform in the 2000s, none was worse than Junior. A reach of a pick, he was taken in the second round (36th overall) in the 2004 NFL draft out of the University of Oregon.
And that was pretty much the highlight of his career.
Siavii was cut after his second non-productive season in Kansas City, and briefly resurfaced in Dallas. He is currently a member of the Seattle Seahawks, although probably not for more than the remainder of this season, if history and his lack of talent have anything to say about that.
4. Percy Snow, LB 1990-1992.
Percy Snow was considered a home run draft pick when taken 13th overall in the 1990 NFL Draft. An outstanding All American LB, the Butkus Award winner for the Rose Bowl bound, Big Ten champion Michigan State Spartans, he had "can't miss" written all over him.
This (at the time) 13 year old hot-as-hell blogger was so fired up, I even remember forcing my mom to drive me to Oak Park so that I could waste $50 of her hard earned dollars on a Percy Snow jersey when I saw they were available. I thought the kid had a huge future in front of him.
What Chiefs fan didn't dream of a DT / Snow combo at linebacker wreaking havoc on the opposing quarterback, with a front three of Neil Smith, Joe Phillips, and Dan Saleaumua? That defense would have dominated the league.
Only ... Percy didn't quite pan out. Because he blew out his knee in a wreck with a golf cart in training camp in 1991. Yes, apparently those things can go fast enough to overturn. Who knew?
Percy missed all of 1991, then came back in 1992 with his (in)famous slogan, "New Year, New Number, New Results", that quickly morphed into "New Year, New Number, Same Sh*tty Ass Results". Snow was cut after the 1992 season, spent one season with the Bears, and hasn't been heard from since.
One neat note about Percy Snow -- his brother is Eric Snow, the NBA point guard best known for his years as Allen Iverson's back court mate on those solid 76ers teams in the early 2000s. Ladies, if you're looking for a get-rich-quick scheme that might pay off a second time 20 years down the road, you can do worse than an unprotected hook up with one of the Snow brothers.
3. Jeff Criswell, OL 1995-1998.
Oh boy. Of all the players on this list, there might be none of them I love as much as Jeff Criswell ... post-career. He's still a visible active presence in the community, he's an active member of the Chiefs Alumni group, he's an all around good guy, family man, and one helluva awesome rep for Arrowhead Nation.
On the field though? There's really no simple way to put this. He's the most penalized offensive lineman ever.
Two moments stand out above all the rest.
(1) back when he worked for SportsDay (the sports section of the Dallas Morning News), Norman Chad would do a snarky weekly picks segment. Used to be the highlight of my Friday mornings. He always had something funny to say about one of the teams involved in the pick.
The week after the Chiefs beat the donkeys in 1997, Chad's column predicted the Chiefs to beat the Seahawks (and they did), and this was the one liner:
"The NFL recognized Derrick Thomas' 100th career sack last week with a brief ceremony and a plaque. In honor of Chiefs G Jeff Criswell's 100th holding penalty, the League is sending him an officials flag and a whistle".
When national columnists are mocking your inability to legally block, you know you suck. But the best:
(2) that raiders game in 1997, when the Chiefs scored on the bomb to Rison as time was running out? That put the Chiefs up 1, 28-27, with three seconds left. They had to try the point after touchdown. Only, up one, it made sense to go for two, so that's what the Chiefs did.
Three false starts and a holding call later, all on "69, offense", the try was no good. Marty was literally laughing on the sideline. I mean, what can you do? The stadium is dead quiet, the fans are in stunned silence and/or funneling for the exits. And here's Criswell, unable to maintain his stance on a freaking play three straight snaps, and he commits a hold to boot!
Every year, I always litter at least part of my picks column for Alumni Weekend with randomly placed "holding, 69, offense", "false start, 69, offense", "chop block, 69 offense", and so on, in honor of the most penalized offensive lineman in NFL history.
And one helluva good guy. He'll get a long, loud ovation out of me at halftime on January 2nd. And a good laugh out of me the next time I fire up the ending to that raiders game.
2. Kurt Schottenheimer, Special Teams Coach 1989-1994; Defensive Backs Coach 1995-1998; Defensive Coordinator 1999-2000.
The English language has yet to invent a word that accurately describes how crappy of a coach Kurt Schottenheimer is.
Our special teams were an unmitigated disaster in the early 1990s. Lin Elliott anyone? The Chiefs routinely gave up long returns, routinely botched the simple "hey, this kick went 9 yards deep in the end zone, I think I'll take a knee" decision, routinely shanked field goals, routinely shanked punts. Hell, punter was a revolving door -- my brief research indicates we employed 8 punters in the 6 years Kurt ran the special teams. That ain't good. Especially when they're dudes like Kelly Goodburn, Brian Barker, Kent Sullivan, and Lewis Colbert. Kurt was "demoted" in 1995 to secondary coach, and was replaced by Mike Stock ... who went on to win NFL Special Teams Coach of the Year two of the next three years.
Our defensive secondary actually held up ok under Kurt ... but once he moved on to oversee the entire defense, it became the backbone of the team. Dale Carter, James Hasty, Jerome Woods, and Reggie Tongue all reached the Pro Bowl under Kurt's replacement.
(Care to guess who it is? It's going to shock the living hell out of you, and I'm not joking when I say that. I nearly spit out my Diet Coke and Ice Cream Snickers bar when I saw who succeeded Kurt as our secondary coach. You ready? It was ... Ron Zook. The Zooker! The guy who ran Florida Gators football into the ground, is driving Illini Football over the proverbial cliff, the guy who nobody respects as a coach -- fans, alumni, media, nobody can stand the guy. Yet Zooker was an improvement over Kurt. That's high damnation for you, Kurt).
Of course, the Chiefs defense completely collapsed down the stretch in 1999 and was a joke for most of 2000. What saves Kurt from going 0 for 3 in the "I was replaced by someone better than me" department, is that his replacement as defensive coordinator was Greg Robinson, a man who should have been on this list, now that I think about it. So hang on ...
2a. Kurt Schottenheimer.
2b. Greg Robinson, Defensive Coordinator, 2001-2003.
Good God, where do I begin. Actually, I know exactly where I'll begin.
You will NEVER convince me that Greg Robinson wasn't being bought off by his former employer, "The Rat", Mike Shanahan. I don't believe in many kook conspiracy theories, but I have no doubt that Robinson was a plant by the donkeys to ensure the Chiefs would never attain sustained success. I mean, you have to be trying to tank to suck as bad as Robinson did, right?
What coach in their right mind would lobby to cut Donnie Edwards and keep "Cut" Glenn Cadrez? What coach in their right mind would consistenly scheme to have his players out of position to make a play? What coach in their right mind wouldn't voluntarily resign after presiding over the Worst Defense in NFL History?
(Of course, a better question is "what sane, rational head coach and/or GM doesn't immediately fire his ass after the 2002 season ended?")
Robinson's first defense was his best. And that team went 6-10 and gave up nearly 30 points/game. And that was his "peak". By the end of his third season, the Chiefs defense was a national joke. We were a punch line on Letterman, a one-liner on Leno.
Since leaving the Chiefs, Robinson presided over the destruction of the once-proud Syracuse program, and currently is presiding over the worst defense in NCAA Football at Michigan. How does this guy keep getting a job?
Under Robinson's watch, exactly one Chiefs defender reached the Pro Bowl -- Jerome Woods, as an injury replacement in 2003. That's it. Not one Chiefs defender was selected for the Pro Bowl when the initial selections were made. In three years! His 49 games that count will go down as the low point defensively for a franchise that was built on a solid running attack and a shut down defense.
But the undisputed champion, Steve's Pick for "Worst Chief Ever", honestly, has no competition.
1. william "bill" bartee, CB 2000-2006.
A second round pick out of the University of Oklahoma, william "bill" bartee currently occupies the top (and to date, only) spot on my Most Hated Chiefs list.
You know how sometimes, you just have this irrational hatred or fear of things, that makes no sense whatsoever to any sane person? For example, my buddy Dusty refuses to eat any kind of white sauce. Which isn't that weird -- I hate mayonnaise too, and prefer marinara to alfredo. But his reason for it? "I'm not putting any white creamy stuff in my mouth". So, he doesn't eat mayo, doesn't eat alfredo, whipped cream, or any other whitey creamy substance, because of its connotation to what you get when a man, uuh, "reaches that magical moment". That's an insane rationalization for avoiding something, and I know a thing or two about insane rationalizations (rimshot!)
For me, bill bartee is that irrational hatred. There's no particular reason why I should hate bill bartee. Granted, he contributed absolutely nothing on the field (a cornerback with zero career interceptions. Woo.) But to me, he's the symbol, he's the icon, of those crappy, horrific Chiefs defenses of the Vermeil years. He's the posterchild of them to me.
For starters, he was our first defensive draft pick of the decade. He was taken in the second round of the 2000 draft. And he was so awful, he couldn't beat out 528 year old Dexter McCleon, a drunk Eric Warfield, the forgettable Lenny Walls, or even Jerome Woods, recovering from blowing out both knees in the 2002 preseason, for playing time.
He couldn't tackle worth a damn. His pass coverage skills were Steve-esque, at best. By midway through 2004, when he should have been starting at one corner slot based on his potential and based on where he was drafted, he was routinely among the Inactive 8. A look at the 2005 season shows that he was inactive for over half the games the Chiefs played.
bill blew out his knee before the 2006 season, prompting the Chiefs to sign Ty Law as a replacement. In the ultimate insult to whatever dignity bill bartee had, Law took his number 24. bill was cut in the 2006 offseason, and hasn't played for another team since.
But, amazingly enough, he has been heard from. In doing some quick research on bill, I discovered something very disturbing, very scary, very frightening.
He has a Facebook Tribute page.
Even odds I will NOT become a fan of that thing ...
Shockingly, very few Chiefs appear on the list. I thought this was an outrage, given (a) the fact that the Chiefs once went 15 consecutive seasons without finishing above .500, (b) the Chiefs can match their win total for the last two seasons combined with a win on Sunday, and (c) this team has only made the playoffs four times in the last fifteen years. To be that bad, you have to have a wonderful collection of losers, busts, and all-out talentless hacks on your roster.
Here then, is one hot-as-hell blogger's ranking of the 18 worst players and 2 worst assistant coaches in Chiefs history.
(Note: there aren't any people on this list from before the mid 1980s. That's because I was born in 1977. I didn't start really paying attention to football until I was 7 ... right in the mid 1980s. So while I'm sure there were some horrific Chiefs in the 1970s and before, they likely won't make this list. Case in point, Todd Blackledge, would make nearly any Chiefs fans list of "Worst Draft Picks Ever" and "Worst Chiefs Player Ever". He does not appear on this list. Has to be guys I whose pathetic attempts to play or coach I watched ... or at least have a memory of watching ...).
20. Tim Krumrie, DL Coach 2006-2009. To be fair, he faced the daunting task of replacing a coach everyone in this town loved, the awesome Bob Karmelowitz. OK, at least I loved Bob, even though he probably deserves a spot in this list as well, given how sh*tty our defensive line was during the Vermeil years.
But Krumrie was worse. By his third season overseeing the line (2008), he had six high draft choices from the previous few drafts under his watch -- Ryan Sims (1st, 2002), Junior Siavii (2nd, 2003), Tamba Hali (1st, 2006), Tank Tyler (2nd, 2007), Turk McBride (3rd, 2007), Glenn Dorsey (1st, 2008) -- and to his credit, the Chiefs did set a NFL record.
For the fewest sacks recorded in a 16 game season.
Thankfully, Krumrie was finally shown the door after last year's disasterous 4-12 season.
Oh, and those high draft picks that Krumrie was responsible for coaching to their potential? Two of them (Tyler, McBride) are out of the League, two of them (Siavii, Sims) are riding the bench for the Seahawks and Bucs respectively, Dorsey is finally beginning to perform to his draft status, and Tamba Hali is finally playing at a Pro Bowl level ... at linebacker.
Tim Krumrie, the 2nd worst assistant coach in Chiefs history.
19. Paul Palmer, RB 1987-1988.
To Paul's ever-lasting credit, he was the draft pick that broke the proverbial camel's back. Because once "never worth a damn" GM Jim Schaaf and "stayed so long the game passed him by" President Jack Steadman wasted the 19th overall pick in 1987 on this bust of a running back from Temple, owner Lamar Hunt finally had seen enough. Within a year, he fired Schaaf, kicked Steadman upstairs, and hired a bright young executive named Carl Peterson to finally put the franchise onto a winning track. So I guess we should be somewhat grateful to Paul Palmer for helping to usher in a pretty solid 15 year run.
Then again, Palmer's the guy who once threatened to intentionally fumble if more plays weren't called for him, so he's probably not someone worth being grateful about.
16, 17, and 18. Jayice Pearson, DB 1986-1992; Jeff Donaldson, DB 1990; Stan Petry, DB 1989-1990.
One of the very few drawbacks to the stadium renovations, is that the signs indicating what section you are arriving at, no longer have pictures of memorable moments in Chiefs history.
I used to love those pics. Seeing DT boatrace john elway from the 1992 Christmas Day game in section 128. Seeing Christian Okoye from the Bills Monday Nighter in 1991 in section 134.
But my favorite pic, was the one that used to announce you'd arrived in my section, 132. It's the only picture I can recall where a bad play for the Chiefs was featured, but that day, that game, was so epically awful, it deserved it's place in the annals of history.
The day Warren Moon rolled into town on a cold, drizzly December afternoon ... and promptly torched Jayice Pearson, Stan Petry, Number Six on this List, and Jeff Donaldson for 550 yards and four touchdowns.
The pic was the last touchdown the Oilers scored that day. It was Haywood Jeffries literally splitting Petry and Donaldson, taking off for the end zone, as Petry and Donaldson both dive and whiff on the tackle. Also lunging in from behind was Pearson, who also whiffed, and failing to stop Jeffries from turning a 20 yard gain into an 80 yard touchdown, was Number Six on this List. That picture never failed to make me laugh. Four Chiefs DBs on one wide receiver, and ALL of them whiff on the tackle. Obviously, it didn't make the Chiefs front office laugh, as two were cut after the season, and Pearson and Number Six on the List were gone shortly after that.
(That should also tell you something -- Warren Moon had so little regard for these four, that he threw into QUADRUPLE coverage!)
In an incredible coincidence, Stan Petry and I share a degree from the same university! Wow! And here us TCU alumnuses have spent our whole lives debating whether Sammy Baugh or LDT is the best player we've ever sent to the NFL. We can still have that debate ... but it's time to launch another debate: who's the WORST player we've ever sent to the NFL: Stan Petry, or Larry Brown? There's no easy answer to that one.
Pearson has gone on to some limited fame and fortune as a broadcaster for FOX Sports ... only, he's so highly respected and regarded at that network, that in the nearly ten years of him calling games for them, they have yet to spell his name correctly when he appears on screen. It's always "JC", not "Jayice". Beautiful.
As for Donaldson, he usually shows up for Alumni Weekend. That's the one thing about this list of players and coaches that never fails to make me shake my head and laugh, is that a lot of these lovable folks still show up every year to a warm round of applause from the very fans that were chucking things at their TVs while watching them play, or hurling expletives at them inside the stadium watching them play. Never fails to make me laugh, showing respect to the guys we hated. (Especially Number Three on this list. That guy never misses an Alumni Day, and every year for Alumni Weekend, I always theme my picks post around his "illustrious" on-field career. But we'll get to him in a little while).
15. Brett Perriman, WR 1997.
For his career, Perriman is a very curious inclusion on this list. He made multiple Pro Bowls with the Detroit Lions, his free agent signing was widely hailed as a coup in the 1997 offseason, and having met the guy a few times (my brother and his son played on the same soccer club in high school), he's a decent all around dude who just wound up in a bad situation here in KC.
Which is why he made the list. He contributed nothing on the field. He had one meaningful play as a Chief, and it didn't count -- when on the final drive in oakland that culminated in Andre Rison's touchdown (and epic extra point meltdown by Number Three on this list, who now that I think about it, might wind up even higher ...), he made a tremendous catch, getting two feet down before falling to the ground to pick up a first down and ostensibly stop the clock by getting out of bounds.
The only problem was ... he did all this while he was already 10 feet out of bounds. He couldn't tell, in the words of Dan Dierdorf that night, "where the definition of the sideline is". Oy.
14. Trezelle Jenkins, OL 1995-1997.
A first round bust out of Michigan, the selection of which was widely ripped from the moment it occurred. This is without question Carl's biggest disaster of a pick in the first round. More incredibly, it would be his 4th "bust" in a row in the first round. More on this when we get to Number Seven. As noted on Trezelle's Wikipedia page, he "tried out for the San Francisco Demons of the XFL ... but failed to make the roster". Yikes. I mean, yikes. When you can't make the XFL ...
13. Harvey Williams, RB 1991-1993.
Another first round disaster. He never could get past either Chrisian Okoye or Barry Word on the depth chart, and Carl Peterson was so excited by the possibility of Williams getting on the field more in 1993, that he immediately signed a 36 year old Marcus Allen to keep Harvey buried on the depth chart, and promptly drafted Number Seven the following season.
Harvey went on to sign with the raiders, and somehow lasted five years by the Bay, before retiring from football.
12. "Cut" Glenn Cadrez, LB 2001-2002.
There may honestly be no player in franchise history more hated by my ex-roommate Gregg than this guy. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with Greg Robinson's incredible belief that "Cut" Glenn Cadrez was better suited for his defense than the linebacker at the time, some (eventual) multiple Pro-Bowler named Donnie Edwards.
I'm sure some of it also has to do with the fact that "Cut" Glenn Cadrez came to us from denver, and wasn't really all that great while playing for the donkeys.
But I guarantee you, the primary reason for the hate, is that "Cut" Glenn Cadrez flat out sucked ass on the football field. He couldn't cover anyone. He didn't have the speed to rush the passer. And his tackling skills rivaled that of Number Six on this list, a man so brutally awful at his most basic responsibility that we named whiffing on a tackle after him.
"Cut" Glenn lasted two seasons with the Chiefs, and was a starter on what so far remains the worst statistical defense in NFL History, the "32 Defense" from the 2002 season. (I say "so far" because if things keep going the way they are, the 2010 Texans might surpass the 2002 Chiefs as "worst statistical defense ever").
Amazingly, according to his Wikipedia page, "Cut" Glenn has done very well for himself in his life after football -- he's married to Brande Roderick! How did that happen?!?!
And how does "Cut" Glenn Cadrez get his own Wikipedia page?!?! Someone obviously has a lot of free time on their hands ...
11. "Broke" Brodie Croyle, QB 2006-present.
In the interest of full disclosure ... I like Brodie Croyle. Nobody was more pumped on Draft Day 2006 than me when we grabbed this guy in the third round. Nobody was more excited for the stretch run in 2007 with Croyle under center than I was. I like the guy. I wanted him to succeed.
Sadly, "Broke" Brodie can't stay healthy, can't throw a deep pass, and can't win -- he's 0-10 as a starter in this league, and the only two games he's had significant playing time in that he didn't start, the Chiefs lost both of those as well, so you can safely put 0-12 as his record. Call me crazy, but when you go 0-12 as a starter, you probably aren't a NFL caliber starting quarterback.
10. Justin Medlock, K 2007.
Medlock lasted exactly one game as the Chiefs starting kicker, after being drafted in the fifth round of the 2007 draft out of UCLA. The first drive of the season on that awesome day in Houston (recapped elsewhere on this site), the Chiefs offense stalled at the Texans 13 yard line. In trotted Justin Medlock.
Who promptly missed the 30 yard attempt wide right by a solid 25 feet.
Medlock was cut the following day, and hasn't really caught on with any other NFL teams since. Probably because the other NFL teams popped in a tape of that Texans kick, and thought "holy crap, if this guy is 25 feet off from 30 yards out, he probably can't kick worth a damn!"
9. Carlton Gray, S 1995-1999.
A Pro Bowl safety with the Giants, Gray signed a huge free agent contract after the 1994 season with the Chiefs ...
And then spent the next five years stealing a paycheck on the bench.
How'd he do it? I mean, I know the salary cap was much more brutal in the mid to late 90s than it ever was in the 2000s, but how the hell did Gray manage to avoid getting cut for five straight years? Did he have incriminating photos of Carl Peterson and a transvestite clown in a cheap motel room on US40? Did he kidnap a member of the Peterson or Hunt family and hold them as hostage in exchange for his roster spot? It boggles the mind that this guy basically got paid for five straight years millions of dollars to just sit on the bench. He never was active. He didn't even play special teams. He just stole millions of dollars over a five year period.
Man, I wish I knew how he did it ... so that I could replicate the feat ...
8. Matt Blundin, QB 1990-1993.
Blundin was the second of many draft picks at quarterback by Carl Peterson that never materialized into anything of value in the League. (The first? The immortal Mike Elkins, who is now a country music recording artist. Unbelievable). And God knows there's a long list of clunkers to choose from, but Blundin is the worst. Simply because he never got on the field.
A second round pick out of Virginia in 1992, Blundin never made a start in his four seasons with the Chiefs. He attempted 7 passes (completing 1, woo!) in those four years. Blundin was so far behind the curve in his third season that when both Joe Montana and Steve Bono were injured, the Chiefs went out and signed Todd Van Pelt as an emergency starter. It's always a good sign when you've been on the roster for three years, and the coaching staff has such confidence in your abilities, that they sign a dude off the street to step in and play, instead of promoting you.
(Although in the Chiefs defense ... I would have done the same thing. "He knows the system!" Yet another Biden-esque gaffe out of me back in the day).
Blundin went on to back up (arguably) the biggest free agency bust of all time in Scott Mitchell with the Lions after his tenure here ended. Like in Kansas City, Blundin never started a game, and never saw the field, other than from his view on the sideline.
7. Greg Hill, RB 1994-1997.
Yet another first round bust from Carl Peterson in the early 1990s -- and the worst is still yet to come. Seriously, Carl absolutely crapped his pants on 4 of his first 5 first round picks ... and yet the Chiefs got better every year, until it finally caught up with them in 1998. (Just like the ineptitude of Carl's drafting from 2000-2005 finally caught up with us in 2007).
How does that happen? How do you whiff on the biggest decision you make as a GM, and your team improves? Another one of those mysteries in life I will never understand.
Hill showed some flashes of greatness in his limited playing time. He was a rock solid complimentary / relief back for Marcus Allen for his first three years, and had solid yards-per-carry numbers to back up that compliment. Then came 1997, when Marty installed Hill as the starter ... and it was a debacle. The Chiefs lack of a running game bit them in the ass in the playoffs against denver, and then really bit them in the ass the following season, as out of desperation we traded for Bam Morris and all of his baggage.
There's also the (alleged) hook-ups between Marty and Hill's girlfriend, maybe that distracted him. Whatever the case, a first round pick should never be a platoon player four years into his career. That's a whiff of a pick.
6. Charles "Chuck" Mincy, DB 1991-1994.
When it comes to defining how NOT to play the defensive back position, I can think of no finer example ... than the number one person on this list, a man who not only ranks as the worst Chiefs player ever, he also ranks as my most hated Chiefs player ever, a list that, to be fair, consists of him and him alone, but still. I hate Number One on this List with a freaking passion.
But, if you had to go to a backup plan, studying "Chuck" Mincy isn't a bad backup plan. Because the dude could not tackle. The best example of this was in the Chiefs 1992 Wild Card defeat at San Diego. It's a scoreless game into the third quarter. Chargers RB Marion "I Like Big" Butts "And I Cannot Lie!" takes a handoff up the middle, gets through the front seven, and standing in front of him is Chuck Mincy, in perfect position to make the tackle.
Only, Mincy does some kind of a sideways move, anticipating Butts will try to juke him. He doesn't -- Butts was prepared to just plow into him. Instead, Butts ran untouched for the Chargers first points, and what turned out to be the winning points. (Yet another crushing Chiefs defeat on my birthday, or within a day of it. If we suffer a loss on January 2 this year to cost us the division, I'm applying to the courts to have my birthday legally changed to May 14, when the Chiefs can't lose).
"The Chuck Mincy Move" has been used ever since to describe a blown tackle. So the next time you hear someone say, "Wow, nice job Chuck Mincy" or "He tackles like Chuck Mincy", don't take it as a compliment.
5. Junior Siavii, DL 2004-2005.
Of all the horrendous defensive linemen to wear the Chiefs uniform in the 2000s, none was worse than Junior. A reach of a pick, he was taken in the second round (36th overall) in the 2004 NFL draft out of the University of Oregon.
And that was pretty much the highlight of his career.
Siavii was cut after his second non-productive season in Kansas City, and briefly resurfaced in Dallas. He is currently a member of the Seattle Seahawks, although probably not for more than the remainder of this season, if history and his lack of talent have anything to say about that.
4. Percy Snow, LB 1990-1992.
Percy Snow was considered a home run draft pick when taken 13th overall in the 1990 NFL Draft. An outstanding All American LB, the Butkus Award winner for the Rose Bowl bound, Big Ten champion Michigan State Spartans, he had "can't miss" written all over him.
This (at the time) 13 year old hot-as-hell blogger was so fired up, I even remember forcing my mom to drive me to Oak Park so that I could waste $50 of her hard earned dollars on a Percy Snow jersey when I saw they were available. I thought the kid had a huge future in front of him.
What Chiefs fan didn't dream of a DT / Snow combo at linebacker wreaking havoc on the opposing quarterback, with a front three of Neil Smith, Joe Phillips, and Dan Saleaumua? That defense would have dominated the league.
Only ... Percy didn't quite pan out. Because he blew out his knee in a wreck with a golf cart in training camp in 1991. Yes, apparently those things can go fast enough to overturn. Who knew?
Percy missed all of 1991, then came back in 1992 with his (in)famous slogan, "New Year, New Number, New Results", that quickly morphed into "New Year, New Number, Same Sh*tty Ass Results". Snow was cut after the 1992 season, spent one season with the Bears, and hasn't been heard from since.
One neat note about Percy Snow -- his brother is Eric Snow, the NBA point guard best known for his years as Allen Iverson's back court mate on those solid 76ers teams in the early 2000s. Ladies, if you're looking for a get-rich-quick scheme that might pay off a second time 20 years down the road, you can do worse than an unprotected hook up with one of the Snow brothers.
3. Jeff Criswell, OL 1995-1998.
Oh boy. Of all the players on this list, there might be none of them I love as much as Jeff Criswell ... post-career. He's still a visible active presence in the community, he's an active member of the Chiefs Alumni group, he's an all around good guy, family man, and one helluva awesome rep for Arrowhead Nation.
On the field though? There's really no simple way to put this. He's the most penalized offensive lineman ever.
Two moments stand out above all the rest.
(1) back when he worked for SportsDay (the sports section of the Dallas Morning News), Norman Chad would do a snarky weekly picks segment. Used to be the highlight of my Friday mornings. He always had something funny to say about one of the teams involved in the pick.
The week after the Chiefs beat the donkeys in 1997, Chad's column predicted the Chiefs to beat the Seahawks (and they did), and this was the one liner:
"The NFL recognized Derrick Thomas' 100th career sack last week with a brief ceremony and a plaque. In honor of Chiefs G Jeff Criswell's 100th holding penalty, the League is sending him an officials flag and a whistle".
When national columnists are mocking your inability to legally block, you know you suck. But the best:
(2) that raiders game in 1997, when the Chiefs scored on the bomb to Rison as time was running out? That put the Chiefs up 1, 28-27, with three seconds left. They had to try the point after touchdown. Only, up one, it made sense to go for two, so that's what the Chiefs did.
Three false starts and a holding call later, all on "69, offense", the try was no good. Marty was literally laughing on the sideline. I mean, what can you do? The stadium is dead quiet, the fans are in stunned silence and/or funneling for the exits. And here's Criswell, unable to maintain his stance on a freaking play three straight snaps, and he commits a hold to boot!
Every year, I always litter at least part of my picks column for Alumni Weekend with randomly placed "holding, 69, offense", "false start, 69, offense", "chop block, 69 offense", and so on, in honor of the most penalized offensive lineman in NFL history.
And one helluva good guy. He'll get a long, loud ovation out of me at halftime on January 2nd. And a good laugh out of me the next time I fire up the ending to that raiders game.
2. Kurt Schottenheimer, Special Teams Coach 1989-1994; Defensive Backs Coach 1995-1998; Defensive Coordinator 1999-2000.
The English language has yet to invent a word that accurately describes how crappy of a coach Kurt Schottenheimer is.
Our special teams were an unmitigated disaster in the early 1990s. Lin Elliott anyone? The Chiefs routinely gave up long returns, routinely botched the simple "hey, this kick went 9 yards deep in the end zone, I think I'll take a knee" decision, routinely shanked field goals, routinely shanked punts. Hell, punter was a revolving door -- my brief research indicates we employed 8 punters in the 6 years Kurt ran the special teams. That ain't good. Especially when they're dudes like Kelly Goodburn, Brian Barker, Kent Sullivan, and Lewis Colbert. Kurt was "demoted" in 1995 to secondary coach, and was replaced by Mike Stock ... who went on to win NFL Special Teams Coach of the Year two of the next three years.
Our defensive secondary actually held up ok under Kurt ... but once he moved on to oversee the entire defense, it became the backbone of the team. Dale Carter, James Hasty, Jerome Woods, and Reggie Tongue all reached the Pro Bowl under Kurt's replacement.
(Care to guess who it is? It's going to shock the living hell out of you, and I'm not joking when I say that. I nearly spit out my Diet Coke and Ice Cream Snickers bar when I saw who succeeded Kurt as our secondary coach. You ready? It was ... Ron Zook. The Zooker! The guy who ran Florida Gators football into the ground, is driving Illini Football over the proverbial cliff, the guy who nobody respects as a coach -- fans, alumni, media, nobody can stand the guy. Yet Zooker was an improvement over Kurt. That's high damnation for you, Kurt).
Of course, the Chiefs defense completely collapsed down the stretch in 1999 and was a joke for most of 2000. What saves Kurt from going 0 for 3 in the "I was replaced by someone better than me" department, is that his replacement as defensive coordinator was Greg Robinson, a man who should have been on this list, now that I think about it. So hang on ...
2a. Kurt Schottenheimer.
2b. Greg Robinson, Defensive Coordinator, 2001-2003.
Good God, where do I begin. Actually, I know exactly where I'll begin.
You will NEVER convince me that Greg Robinson wasn't being bought off by his former employer, "The Rat", Mike Shanahan. I don't believe in many kook conspiracy theories, but I have no doubt that Robinson was a plant by the donkeys to ensure the Chiefs would never attain sustained success. I mean, you have to be trying to tank to suck as bad as Robinson did, right?
What coach in their right mind would lobby to cut Donnie Edwards and keep "Cut" Glenn Cadrez? What coach in their right mind would consistenly scheme to have his players out of position to make a play? What coach in their right mind wouldn't voluntarily resign after presiding over the Worst Defense in NFL History?
(Of course, a better question is "what sane, rational head coach and/or GM doesn't immediately fire his ass after the 2002 season ended?")
Robinson's first defense was his best. And that team went 6-10 and gave up nearly 30 points/game. And that was his "peak". By the end of his third season, the Chiefs defense was a national joke. We were a punch line on Letterman, a one-liner on Leno.
Since leaving the Chiefs, Robinson presided over the destruction of the once-proud Syracuse program, and currently is presiding over the worst defense in NCAA Football at Michigan. How does this guy keep getting a job?
Under Robinson's watch, exactly one Chiefs defender reached the Pro Bowl -- Jerome Woods, as an injury replacement in 2003. That's it. Not one Chiefs defender was selected for the Pro Bowl when the initial selections were made. In three years! His 49 games that count will go down as the low point defensively for a franchise that was built on a solid running attack and a shut down defense.
But the undisputed champion, Steve's Pick for "Worst Chief Ever", honestly, has no competition.
1. william "bill" bartee, CB 2000-2006.
A second round pick out of the University of Oklahoma, william "bill" bartee currently occupies the top (and to date, only) spot on my Most Hated Chiefs list.
You know how sometimes, you just have this irrational hatred or fear of things, that makes no sense whatsoever to any sane person? For example, my buddy Dusty refuses to eat any kind of white sauce. Which isn't that weird -- I hate mayonnaise too, and prefer marinara to alfredo. But his reason for it? "I'm not putting any white creamy stuff in my mouth". So, he doesn't eat mayo, doesn't eat alfredo, whipped cream, or any other whitey creamy substance, because of its connotation to what you get when a man, uuh, "reaches that magical moment". That's an insane rationalization for avoiding something, and I know a thing or two about insane rationalizations (rimshot!)
For me, bill bartee is that irrational hatred. There's no particular reason why I should hate bill bartee. Granted, he contributed absolutely nothing on the field (a cornerback with zero career interceptions. Woo.) But to me, he's the symbol, he's the icon, of those crappy, horrific Chiefs defenses of the Vermeil years. He's the posterchild of them to me.
For starters, he was our first defensive draft pick of the decade. He was taken in the second round of the 2000 draft. And he was so awful, he couldn't beat out 528 year old Dexter McCleon, a drunk Eric Warfield, the forgettable Lenny Walls, or even Jerome Woods, recovering from blowing out both knees in the 2002 preseason, for playing time.
He couldn't tackle worth a damn. His pass coverage skills were Steve-esque, at best. By midway through 2004, when he should have been starting at one corner slot based on his potential and based on where he was drafted, he was routinely among the Inactive 8. A look at the 2005 season shows that he was inactive for over half the games the Chiefs played.
bill blew out his knee before the 2006 season, prompting the Chiefs to sign Ty Law as a replacement. In the ultimate insult to whatever dignity bill bartee had, Law took his number 24. bill was cut in the 2006 offseason, and hasn't played for another team since.
But, amazingly enough, he has been heard from. In doing some quick research on bill, I discovered something very disturbing, very scary, very frightening.
He has a Facebook Tribute page.
Even odds I will NOT become a fan of that thing ...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
the week eleven prognostications
"I think about Paris when I'm high on red wine,
I wish I could jump on a plane.
So many nights I just dream of the ocean,
God I wish I was sailing again.
Oh yesterday's over my shoulder,
So I can't look back for too long.
There's just too much to see waiting in front of me,
And I know that we can't go wrong
With these changes in latitides,
Changes in attitudes,
Nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our cunning,
And all of our running,
If we didn't laugh, we would all go insane.
If we didn't laugh, we would all go insane.
If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane ..."
"Changes in Latitudes" by the great Jimmy Buffett. There's still seven games in front of us folks. Three in the division, three against the woeful NFC West, and a game with huge wildcard ramifications against the Titans. Forget last week, and in the words of Al Gore in the greatest political speech I've ever watched, "let's open up our eyes to see just how broad and wide the horizon has become!" This season is NOT over. It's just getting started!
(And if I'm wrong, and the 2010 season died on the turf of fake mile high last week, well, I've been called crazy and insane many, many, many times before, and nobody laughs at me as much as I laugh at myself ...)
Last Week SU: 8-5-0.
Season to Date SU: 81-62-0.
Last Week ATS: 6-7-0.
Season to Date ATS: 71-66-6.
Last Week Upset / Week: if they'd tied, how would I have scored that?
Season to Date Upset / Week: 2-9 SU, 4-7 ATS.
This Week's Upset / Week: keep reading. (panicked readership voice) oh no! The Chiefs are favorites this week! Oh no! If the driver is jumping off the bandwagon ... noooooooo! ...
The Non-Chiefs "Fire the Darts and Hope One Hits Bullseye" Attempts:
* at Dolphins (-1) 27, Bears 20. We never should have given up on Tyler Thigpen.
* Bills (+5 1/2) 26, at Bengals 20. When in doubt, take the team that hasn't quit on its coach.
* at Cowboys (-6 1/2) 28, Lions 13. Let the "can Dallas rally to sneak in at 8-8" thoughts begin!
* Texans (+7) 34, at Jets 20. My (fireman ed voice) J E T S Jets Jets Jets! are due for a clunker.
* at Jaguars (-1 1/2) 31, Browns 28. When in doubt, pick the team that keeps winning at the gun.
* at Steelers (-7) 49, raiders 3. (Steve waving Terrible Towel early and often Sunday).
* Ravens (-10) 41, at Panthers 10. Tony Pike's last start was a 50 point beatdown in the Sugar Bowl. This game might be worse than the Bearcats disgraceful finale against Florida last year.
* at Vikings (+3 1/2) 31, Packers 28. Nobody in the NFC is dead until they post their ninth loss.
* at Titans (-7) 35, Redskins 24. Maybe Haynesworth will try this week in his old home.
* Falcons (-3) 45, at Rams 20. The Rams are due for a course correction.
* at 49ers (-3) 31, Bucs 24. As the 49ers climb to within a game of first place.
* at Saints (-12) 45, Seahawks 3. The Seahawks are due for a course correction.
* at Patriots (-3) 31, Colts 27. If this was in Indy, flip the result.
* at Eagles (-3) 34, Giants 20. Fly, Eagles fly, on the road to victory! E A G L E S Eagles!
The Five Star, Stone Cold Lead Pipe Lock "Upset of the Year":
Cue the horrific hairdo, the cheezy promo music, the 1-900 number flashing in bright, shiny font at the bottom of your television screen, as I'm standing in front of a horrific looking green-screen shot of Vegas from the late 1980s. Because if I whiff on this prediction, you get the rest of 2010 from me for free! I am staking my reputation as a mediocre gambler on this one baby!
The denver broncos (+9) will absolutely boatrace the San Diego "Super" Chargers on Monday night, to the tune of something like 31-13. The "Upset of the Year". If I don't deliver the goods, you get every single stinking prediction from now through the Super Bowl for absolutely free, I am that confident the donkeys are going to pole-axe the opposition in this game.
Now if I could just get Polar Ice vodka or the St. James Winery to sponsor this segment of the predictions, I'd be set ...
The Chiefs Prediction:
I've been asked "ok Stevo, what do you think is going to happen on Sunday"? And my response is, well, if it was up to me, THIS is pretty much what is going to go down on “Beat a Cardinal Like a Government Mule, and He Ain’t Getting No 40 Acres for His Considerations” Sunday ...
6:00am: my alarm clock goes off. I drop multiple expletives, and say out loud to noone in particular (since it's a virtual certainty I'll be sleeping alone, and since I'm spending my Saturday night with our good friends at the Argosy Casino, Hotel, and Resort, it's probably best if I do come home alone ...) "who in the hell actually gets up this early?!?!"
6:02am: curse again as I trip over my shoes in the dark.
6:05am: let out in my best Verne Lundquist voice "yes sir!" as the forecast comes on my TV screen.
6:08am: curse again as I trip over my shoes in the dark.
6:15am: I shower, dress, and pour myself a screwdriver for the drive to get on the Bus.
6:19am: curse again as I realize I left my ticket next to the computer. Have to go back and get it. Since I’m there and the vodka and oj are easily available, screwdriver number two is poured and begins to be consumed.
7:00am: The Bus arrives at the gate. I pour myself screwdriver numero tres to celebrate this accomplishment.
7:15am: Phil and his crew offer up the first round of apple pie shots. I partake. Twice.
7:30am: Our good buddy Justin Robinson from Channel 9 mooches his first beverage of the day.
7:40am: Our good buddy Justin Robinson from Channel 9 mooches his second beverage of the day. These may or may not be of an adult nature.
7:45am: Our good buddy Justin Robinson from Channel 9 mooches a cinnamon roll to complete the trifecta.
7:50am: parking attendants arrive. I pick up the program, and utter one of the two or three greatest poetic phrases I have ever composed in celebration: "Then I open the program / To see who our referee will be / And I shout out in horror / Sweet Jesus! Ed Hochuli!" Laughs all around.
8am: Wayne, the guy who runs my bowling league, unlocks the gates.
8:05am: Carl beats the parking attendants for the 145th time in a row (approximate; actual number is likely higher). That opens the floodgates, as five minutes later ...
8:10am: everyone else is let in, a full 20 minutes before scheduled opening. Carl rules.
8:30am: tailgate is set up and ready to go. I pour myself a fourth screwdriver in celebration of this achievement.
8:45am: I get the first "you boozin yet" text message from my brother, who's still going strong at the craps table.
8:46am: “Alcohol” by Brad Paisley pops up on the iPod. A fitting start to a glorious day.
8:55am: I pour myself a fifth screwdriver, to celebrate firing up the grills.
8:57am: "Word Up" by Cameo pops up on the iPod. Inspires an impromptu cheer and dance from some of the tailgaters present.
9:00am: I am "bribed" into playing beer pong by the promise I can use Coors Light.
9:20am: Inspired by the Silver Bullet, my team "wins" its initial beer pong battle.
9:40am: my team "wins" its second beer pong battle.
9:45am: we have a Dusty and crew sighting! About an hour and forty minutes before my predicted arrival time of 11:25.
10am: I retire from beer pong as a three time champion.
10:01am: combination of five screwdrivers and three beer pong games takes it toll. Someone wins the "Guess the time Steve pukes" pool with a winning guess of 10:04am; person who had 10:00am is p*ssed because "Price is Right" rules always determine the winner of a guessing competition.
10:20am: I lose to Dusty at washers for the 1,937,562nd consecutive time (approximate; actual number is likely higher). I pour another screwdriver to “celebrate” this “accomplishment”.
10:21am: “Celebrate” by Kool and the Gang pops up on the iPod. Great, now even the random play list mix is mocking me.
10:30am: Gregg finally arrives. Laughs all around as the "Number of Drinks In Steve Is" game cannot be played today, because I've lost track of the actual count.
10:35am: a funnel has magically appeared. Tailgaters are doing beer bongs off the Bus. Good times!
10:40am: Tailgating neighbors across the street blast horn as everyone's favorite neighbor finally arrives.
10:44am: "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" by Joe Nichols pops up on the iPod. Sure enough, a minute later ...
10:45am: Castro! Comes waddling in carrying two bottles of Cuervo Gold, and a Bud Light case with three bottles of Patron and a couple shooter glasses.
10:50am: After happily noting that "I haven't heard one song yet from those pieces of sh*t Black Eyed Peas", someone puts their cd in. A visibly angry Steve spends the next three minutes trying to figure out how to turn it off, only to fail because, well, I'm already too intoxicated to manage ejecting a cd.
11:00am: begin to break the tailgate down. Round three of shots with Castro and Cuervo.
11:05am: final round of shots before the game. A tremendous game of beer pong goes to a pong-off when both sides knock out two cups on the final shots.
11:15am: I pour a screwdriver for the walk in.
11:25am: The flask beats security for the 159th consecutive time (approximate; actual number is likely higher).
11:30am: stop and say hi to Gregg's family.
11:40am: reach my seat, hug Chris, shake Ray's hand.
11:42am: the "Other Steve" from the Bills game takes the seat next to me again.
11:45am: boo pathetic KC Wolf sketch.
11:48am: receive death stares for my refusal to stand and applaud the Boy Scout color guard.
11:50am: the golden pipes of Ida McBeth begin The National Anthem. (I'd pay good money to listen to that woman sing the phone book, as the great Randy Jackson would say).
11:52am: dude in section 132, row 26, seat 14 shakes head in frustration at the flyover, the single biggest waste of taxpayer money known to mankind.
11:54am: Springfield chick in front of me arrives. Cue the "I found my seat because of your hat!" jokes.
11:58am: Chiefs win coin toss. Elect to receive.
12:04pm: weather at kickoff: 76 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. Kendall Gammon notes on 101 the Fox that it is "pushing 90 on the field, pushing 85 in the lower bowl".
12:05pm: realize that this could turn into a "kick off the sandals, prop up the feet, take the shirt off and get some sun" second half with a little luck. Huge, huge smile on my face. Hu-yuge.
12:10pm: touchdown, Kansas City! On a beautiful 36 yard pass from Matt Cassel. 7-0 Chiefs.
12:13pm: the first "De! Fence! (clap!) (clap!)" chants are heard.
12:14pm: interception, Kansas City! Brandon Flowers!
12:22pm: touchdown, Kansas City! On a beautiful 7 yard jaunt up the middle by TJ. 14-0 Chiefs.
12:25pm: fumble on the kickoff recovered by Kansas City! Andy Studebaker with the strip and recovery.
12:28pm: touchdown, Kansas City! On a beautiful 17 yard screen pass by Cassel. 21-0 Chiefs.
12:41pm: our first punt of the day. Arenas returns it to midfield.
12:45pm: end of the first quarter. Chiefs 21, Cardinals 0.
12:46pm: realize those awesome frisbee dogs are our halftime entertainment. Can this day get any better?
12:48pm: (barack obama supporter voice) si se puede! Yes it can! Jamaal from 23 yards out, untouched by a rattled Cardinals defense! 28-0 Chiefs.
12:50pm: a Bill Maas sighting on the video board. Text from section 133: "its all about what's inside you, and i know i've got a lot of zarda bbq inside of me right now".
1:02pm: touchdown, Kansas City! Javier Arenas takes the punt to the house! 35-0 Chiefs.
1:15pm: two minute warning. Text from section 133: "remember last time cards were here? 32 defense!" Yet another "Great Moments in Gambling" from my past, when I infamously bet the ex-roommate something of cash value that the 2002 Chiefs defense would not shut anybody out. Chiefs 49, Cards 0, week 13 2002. The lesson? I suck at sports gambling. You know, if wagering on sports were legal in Missouri, that is.
1:22pm: halftime. 35-0 Chiefs.
1:35pm: unanimous opinion of section 132 is that the frisbee dogs are the greatest halftime show ever.
1:38pm: Chiefs kick off to begin the second half.
1:39pm: I sit down for the first time all day.
1:40pm: the sandals come off.
1:41pm: the feet get propped up on the seat in front of me.
1:42pm: text from section 133: "when's the shirt coming off?"
1:50pm: Tamba Hali sack and fumble recovery! The cart comes out to take Cardinals QB Derek Anderson to his new home for the next 48-72 hours for observation.
1:55pm: it's a new record! The temperature hits 80 degrees on November 21!
1:56pm: touchdown Kansas City! TJ up the middle! Streamers are flying from the upper deck! 42-0 Chiefs.
2:02pm: Cardinals fan behind me puts a bag over his head. After laughing for 30 seconds, I offer to buy the guy a beer. There's humor, and then there's hilarious. Bag on the head? Hilarious.
2:06pm: punt block, Kansas City! Nobody accounted for Demarrio Williams!
2:08pm: touchdown Kansas City! TJ up the middle untouched! With 3:02 to go in the third quarter, TJ now has 21 carries for 196 yards and 3 touchdowns. 49-0 Chiefs.
2:09pm: text message from Roeland Park: "watching game with shane. he says to tell you, "you mother f*cker of course this is the one week team tito shows up to play"." Technically, I've shown up twice -- I beat Gregg earlier this season!
2:10pm: beat my head on the seat in front of me at realization that for the first time since 2004, team tito is not posting a winning record, and is not reaching the playoffs. Maybe I can win the Toilet Bowl.
2:11pm: beat my head on the seat in front of me at realization that team tito is going to get rolled in round one of the Toilet Bowl.
2:12pm: text from section 133: "you beat me because of a fluke mcfadden game and romo's shoulder getting blowed out". Thanks for channeling your inner Emmitt today buddy.
2:15pm: we're through three quarters. 49-0 Chiefs.
2:20pm: text message from section 333: "for the love of god put the shirt back on you're blinding us up here".
2:24pm: after a Cardinals punt, Coach Haley wisely pulls Matt Cassel ... for Tyler Palko. After the game, Coach will defend the decision to bypass Brodie Croyle by noting "Brodie has never taken a snap for this team when they've had the lead. I didn't want to risk an embarrasing loss by putting him out there". All of Arrowhead Nation nods in agreement at this wise, wise decision.
2:40pm: Russ drops the "the beer's cheaper and colder at the bus" blast that's the cue to pack up and leave. So's the vodka man. So's the vodka. But you don't leave a 49-0 boatrace victory early, do you?
2:42pm: realize the flask is empty. I drop the "the beer's cheaper and colder at the bus" blast.
2:43pm: hug Chris, shake Ray's hand. All of 132 agrees, its on like Donkey Kong inhaling multiple bongs in two weeks against those sleazy sons of b*tches from denver.
2:45pm: the traditional postgame hug from Jennifer.
2:46pm: begin walk up spiral ramp. Pound the column a few times with goofy ass grin on my face. The always awesome "beat the donkeys!" chants are flying. After a couple minutes, it turns into "f*ck the donkeys!", which immediately moves to number one in my "Favorite Moment of the Season-o-Meter".
2:55pm: reach the Bus. Pour screwdriver number ... uuh ... I've lost count. Pour a screwdriver.
2:56pm: hit my knees to do the traditional victory alcohol-fueled-whipped cream shot. Laughs all around. Event is recorded and posted to Youtube! and becomes an instant sensation, attracting 4 hits in the next 24 hours.
2:58pm: "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond pops up on the iPod. Leads to a rousing rendition led by "Sweet Daddy Stevo".
3:10pm: pour another screwdriver.
3:20pm: pour another screwdriver.
3:30pm: pour another screwdriver.
3:40pm: parking lot has finally emptied. Pour another screwdriver for the ride back.
3:42pm: Will gets behind the wheel. A look of horror emerges on my face.
3:51pm: arrive back at the "Bus Barn". Will beats his personal record from four weeks ago by nearly 3 minutes.
3:53pm: "Richard" wanders in with happy news: Jimmie Johnson has wrecked. A very loud "yes! Thank you Jesus yes! yes! yes!" comes out of my mouth.
4:30pm: head for home after pouring one last screwdriver. Nearly half a handle of vodka and a gallon of OJ, gone. Job well done.
4:40pm: turn off the phone, turn off the lights, lock the front door, and decide to take a "quick nap" before rewatching and recapping the game.
7:00am: alarm goes off to wake me up for work on Monday.
7:04am: first angry “where the hell’s the recap, yo!” email arrives in my work inbox …
See, life is so much easier when you know what's gonna happen ahead of time, right? :)
Seriously, it's gonna be 70ish and sunny. Tickets will be easy to come by. You can always move over by me if you want to experience Chiefs football the way it was meant to be enjoyed: next to an arrogant know-it-all pushing .25 on the BAC count, who thinks years of playing Madden have made him smarter than the coaching staffs on the field.
(Although in my defense: I am smarter and more knowledgeable pushing a .25 than half the coaches that have roamed the Arrowhead sidelines and coaching box the last couple years. Particularly those affiliated with the home town team).
If you need a place to tailgate, we'll hook you up. Just let me know to save you a spot to park, the grassy lot at the back of Lot G fills up pretty quick. Looks like the menu is burgers, dogs, and brats, with some tasty side dishes thrown in. Even if I’m wrong, I do know there will be plenty of liquid adult refreshment, some washers, some decent music, some good times, and at least a few games of beer pong at a minimum.
And oh yeah, the team on the field, that we're there to cheer on? This just in folks. They're in first place. They're one win away from matching our win total of the last two seasons combined. With a win, we'll still be in first place no matter what, and likely tied for the final wildcard berth with Indy, Tennessee, Jacksonville, and possibly Pittsburgh. And we're nine point favorites against a woeful Cardinals team that is in dead last in the NFC West, possibly the worst division in the history of the League.
at Chiefs (-9) 49, Cardinals 0, in a game that might not even be that close. Don't be a stranger! Come out and support your first place Kansas City … (crowd at end of national anthem voice) CHIEFS! It takes multiple people to get a beer pong game going, after all ...
I wish I could jump on a plane.
So many nights I just dream of the ocean,
God I wish I was sailing again.
Oh yesterday's over my shoulder,
So I can't look back for too long.
There's just too much to see waiting in front of me,
And I know that we can't go wrong
With these changes in latitides,
Changes in attitudes,
Nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our cunning,
And all of our running,
If we didn't laugh, we would all go insane.
If we didn't laugh, we would all go insane.
If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane ..."
"Changes in Latitudes" by the great Jimmy Buffett. There's still seven games in front of us folks. Three in the division, three against the woeful NFC West, and a game with huge wildcard ramifications against the Titans. Forget last week, and in the words of Al Gore in the greatest political speech I've ever watched, "let's open up our eyes to see just how broad and wide the horizon has become!" This season is NOT over. It's just getting started!
(And if I'm wrong, and the 2010 season died on the turf of fake mile high last week, well, I've been called crazy and insane many, many, many times before, and nobody laughs at me as much as I laugh at myself ...)
Last Week SU: 8-5-0.
Season to Date SU: 81-62-0.
Last Week ATS: 6-7-0.
Season to Date ATS: 71-66-6.
Last Week Upset / Week: if they'd tied, how would I have scored that?
Season to Date Upset / Week: 2-9 SU, 4-7 ATS.
This Week's Upset / Week: keep reading. (panicked readership voice) oh no! The Chiefs are favorites this week! Oh no! If the driver is jumping off the bandwagon ... noooooooo! ...
The Non-Chiefs "Fire the Darts and Hope One Hits Bullseye" Attempts:
* at Dolphins (-1) 27, Bears 20. We never should have given up on Tyler Thigpen.
* Bills (+5 1/2) 26, at Bengals 20. When in doubt, take the team that hasn't quit on its coach.
* at Cowboys (-6 1/2) 28, Lions 13. Let the "can Dallas rally to sneak in at 8-8" thoughts begin!
* Texans (+7) 34, at Jets 20. My (fireman ed voice) J E T S Jets Jets Jets! are due for a clunker.
* at Jaguars (-1 1/2) 31, Browns 28. When in doubt, pick the team that keeps winning at the gun.
* at Steelers (-7) 49, raiders 3. (Steve waving Terrible Towel early and often Sunday).
* Ravens (-10) 41, at Panthers 10. Tony Pike's last start was a 50 point beatdown in the Sugar Bowl. This game might be worse than the Bearcats disgraceful finale against Florida last year.
* at Vikings (+3 1/2) 31, Packers 28. Nobody in the NFC is dead until they post their ninth loss.
* at Titans (-7) 35, Redskins 24. Maybe Haynesworth will try this week in his old home.
* Falcons (-3) 45, at Rams 20. The Rams are due for a course correction.
* at 49ers (-3) 31, Bucs 24. As the 49ers climb to within a game of first place.
* at Saints (-12) 45, Seahawks 3. The Seahawks are due for a course correction.
* at Patriots (-3) 31, Colts 27. If this was in Indy, flip the result.
* at Eagles (-3) 34, Giants 20. Fly, Eagles fly, on the road to victory! E A G L E S Eagles!
The Five Star, Stone Cold Lead Pipe Lock "Upset of the Year":
Cue the horrific hairdo, the cheezy promo music, the 1-900 number flashing in bright, shiny font at the bottom of your television screen, as I'm standing in front of a horrific looking green-screen shot of Vegas from the late 1980s. Because if I whiff on this prediction, you get the rest of 2010 from me for free! I am staking my reputation as a mediocre gambler on this one baby!
The denver broncos (+9) will absolutely boatrace the San Diego "Super" Chargers on Monday night, to the tune of something like 31-13. The "Upset of the Year". If I don't deliver the goods, you get every single stinking prediction from now through the Super Bowl for absolutely free, I am that confident the donkeys are going to pole-axe the opposition in this game.
Now if I could just get Polar Ice vodka or the St. James Winery to sponsor this segment of the predictions, I'd be set ...
The Chiefs Prediction:
I've been asked "ok Stevo, what do you think is going to happen on Sunday"? And my response is, well, if it was up to me, THIS is pretty much what is going to go down on “Beat a Cardinal Like a Government Mule, and He Ain’t Getting No 40 Acres for His Considerations” Sunday ...
6:00am: my alarm clock goes off. I drop multiple expletives, and say out loud to noone in particular (since it's a virtual certainty I'll be sleeping alone, and since I'm spending my Saturday night with our good friends at the Argosy Casino, Hotel, and Resort, it's probably best if I do come home alone ...) "who in the hell actually gets up this early?!?!"
6:02am: curse again as I trip over my shoes in the dark.
6:05am: let out in my best Verne Lundquist voice "yes sir!" as the forecast comes on my TV screen.
6:08am: curse again as I trip over my shoes in the dark.
6:15am: I shower, dress, and pour myself a screwdriver for the drive to get on the Bus.
6:19am: curse again as I realize I left my ticket next to the computer. Have to go back and get it. Since I’m there and the vodka and oj are easily available, screwdriver number two is poured and begins to be consumed.
7:00am: The Bus arrives at the gate. I pour myself screwdriver numero tres to celebrate this accomplishment.
7:15am: Phil and his crew offer up the first round of apple pie shots. I partake. Twice.
7:30am: Our good buddy Justin Robinson from Channel 9 mooches his first beverage of the day.
7:40am: Our good buddy Justin Robinson from Channel 9 mooches his second beverage of the day. These may or may not be of an adult nature.
7:45am: Our good buddy Justin Robinson from Channel 9 mooches a cinnamon roll to complete the trifecta.
7:50am: parking attendants arrive. I pick up the program, and utter one of the two or three greatest poetic phrases I have ever composed in celebration: "Then I open the program / To see who our referee will be / And I shout out in horror / Sweet Jesus! Ed Hochuli!" Laughs all around.
8am: Wayne, the guy who runs my bowling league, unlocks the gates.
8:05am: Carl beats the parking attendants for the 145th time in a row (approximate; actual number is likely higher). That opens the floodgates, as five minutes later ...
8:10am: everyone else is let in, a full 20 minutes before scheduled opening. Carl rules.
8:30am: tailgate is set up and ready to go. I pour myself a fourth screwdriver in celebration of this achievement.
8:45am: I get the first "you boozin yet" text message from my brother, who's still going strong at the craps table.
8:46am: “Alcohol” by Brad Paisley pops up on the iPod. A fitting start to a glorious day.
8:55am: I pour myself a fifth screwdriver, to celebrate firing up the grills.
8:57am: "Word Up" by Cameo pops up on the iPod. Inspires an impromptu cheer and dance from some of the tailgaters present.
9:00am: I am "bribed" into playing beer pong by the promise I can use Coors Light.
9:20am: Inspired by the Silver Bullet, my team "wins" its initial beer pong battle.
9:40am: my team "wins" its second beer pong battle.
9:45am: we have a Dusty and crew sighting! About an hour and forty minutes before my predicted arrival time of 11:25.
10am: I retire from beer pong as a three time champion.
10:01am: combination of five screwdrivers and three beer pong games takes it toll. Someone wins the "Guess the time Steve pukes" pool with a winning guess of 10:04am; person who had 10:00am is p*ssed because "Price is Right" rules always determine the winner of a guessing competition.
10:20am: I lose to Dusty at washers for the 1,937,562nd consecutive time (approximate; actual number is likely higher). I pour another screwdriver to “celebrate” this “accomplishment”.
10:21am: “Celebrate” by Kool and the Gang pops up on the iPod. Great, now even the random play list mix is mocking me.
10:30am: Gregg finally arrives. Laughs all around as the "Number of Drinks In Steve Is" game cannot be played today, because I've lost track of the actual count.
10:35am: a funnel has magically appeared. Tailgaters are doing beer bongs off the Bus. Good times!
10:40am: Tailgating neighbors across the street blast horn as everyone's favorite neighbor finally arrives.
10:44am: "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" by Joe Nichols pops up on the iPod. Sure enough, a minute later ...
10:45am: Castro! Comes waddling in carrying two bottles of Cuervo Gold, and a Bud Light case with three bottles of Patron and a couple shooter glasses.
10:50am: After happily noting that "I haven't heard one song yet from those pieces of sh*t Black Eyed Peas", someone puts their cd in. A visibly angry Steve spends the next three minutes trying to figure out how to turn it off, only to fail because, well, I'm already too intoxicated to manage ejecting a cd.
11:00am: begin to break the tailgate down. Round three of shots with Castro and Cuervo.
11:05am: final round of shots before the game. A tremendous game of beer pong goes to a pong-off when both sides knock out two cups on the final shots.
11:15am: I pour a screwdriver for the walk in.
11:25am: The flask beats security for the 159th consecutive time (approximate; actual number is likely higher).
11:30am: stop and say hi to Gregg's family.
11:40am: reach my seat, hug Chris, shake Ray's hand.
11:42am: the "Other Steve" from the Bills game takes the seat next to me again.
11:45am: boo pathetic KC Wolf sketch.
11:48am: receive death stares for my refusal to stand and applaud the Boy Scout color guard.
11:50am: the golden pipes of Ida McBeth begin The National Anthem. (I'd pay good money to listen to that woman sing the phone book, as the great Randy Jackson would say).
11:52am: dude in section 132, row 26, seat 14 shakes head in frustration at the flyover, the single biggest waste of taxpayer money known to mankind.
11:54am: Springfield chick in front of me arrives. Cue the "I found my seat because of your hat!" jokes.
11:58am: Chiefs win coin toss. Elect to receive.
12:04pm: weather at kickoff: 76 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. Kendall Gammon notes on 101 the Fox that it is "pushing 90 on the field, pushing 85 in the lower bowl".
12:05pm: realize that this could turn into a "kick off the sandals, prop up the feet, take the shirt off and get some sun" second half with a little luck. Huge, huge smile on my face. Hu-yuge.
12:10pm: touchdown, Kansas City! On a beautiful 36 yard pass from Matt Cassel. 7-0 Chiefs.
12:13pm: the first "De! Fence! (clap!) (clap!)" chants are heard.
12:14pm: interception, Kansas City! Brandon Flowers!
12:22pm: touchdown, Kansas City! On a beautiful 7 yard jaunt up the middle by TJ. 14-0 Chiefs.
12:25pm: fumble on the kickoff recovered by Kansas City! Andy Studebaker with the strip and recovery.
12:28pm: touchdown, Kansas City! On a beautiful 17 yard screen pass by Cassel. 21-0 Chiefs.
12:41pm: our first punt of the day. Arenas returns it to midfield.
12:45pm: end of the first quarter. Chiefs 21, Cardinals 0.
12:46pm: realize those awesome frisbee dogs are our halftime entertainment. Can this day get any better?
12:48pm: (barack obama supporter voice) si se puede! Yes it can! Jamaal from 23 yards out, untouched by a rattled Cardinals defense! 28-0 Chiefs.
12:50pm: a Bill Maas sighting on the video board. Text from section 133: "its all about what's inside you, and i know i've got a lot of zarda bbq inside of me right now".
1:02pm: touchdown, Kansas City! Javier Arenas takes the punt to the house! 35-0 Chiefs.
1:15pm: two minute warning. Text from section 133: "remember last time cards were here? 32 defense!" Yet another "Great Moments in Gambling" from my past, when I infamously bet the ex-roommate something of cash value that the 2002 Chiefs defense would not shut anybody out. Chiefs 49, Cards 0, week 13 2002. The lesson? I suck at sports gambling. You know, if wagering on sports were legal in Missouri, that is.
1:22pm: halftime. 35-0 Chiefs.
1:35pm: unanimous opinion of section 132 is that the frisbee dogs are the greatest halftime show ever.
1:38pm: Chiefs kick off to begin the second half.
1:39pm: I sit down for the first time all day.
1:40pm: the sandals come off.
1:41pm: the feet get propped up on the seat in front of me.
1:42pm: text from section 133: "when's the shirt coming off?"
1:50pm: Tamba Hali sack and fumble recovery! The cart comes out to take Cardinals QB Derek Anderson to his new home for the next 48-72 hours for observation.
1:55pm: it's a new record! The temperature hits 80 degrees on November 21!
1:56pm: touchdown Kansas City! TJ up the middle! Streamers are flying from the upper deck! 42-0 Chiefs.
2:02pm: Cardinals fan behind me puts a bag over his head. After laughing for 30 seconds, I offer to buy the guy a beer. There's humor, and then there's hilarious. Bag on the head? Hilarious.
2:06pm: punt block, Kansas City! Nobody accounted for Demarrio Williams!
2:08pm: touchdown Kansas City! TJ up the middle untouched! With 3:02 to go in the third quarter, TJ now has 21 carries for 196 yards and 3 touchdowns. 49-0 Chiefs.
2:09pm: text message from Roeland Park: "watching game with shane. he says to tell you, "you mother f*cker of course this is the one week team tito shows up to play"." Technically, I've shown up twice -- I beat Gregg earlier this season!
2:10pm: beat my head on the seat in front of me at realization that for the first time since 2004, team tito is not posting a winning record, and is not reaching the playoffs. Maybe I can win the Toilet Bowl.
2:11pm: beat my head on the seat in front of me at realization that team tito is going to get rolled in round one of the Toilet Bowl.
2:12pm: text from section 133: "you beat me because of a fluke mcfadden game and romo's shoulder getting blowed out". Thanks for channeling your inner Emmitt today buddy.
2:15pm: we're through three quarters. 49-0 Chiefs.
2:20pm: text message from section 333: "for the love of god put the shirt back on you're blinding us up here".
2:24pm: after a Cardinals punt, Coach Haley wisely pulls Matt Cassel ... for Tyler Palko. After the game, Coach will defend the decision to bypass Brodie Croyle by noting "Brodie has never taken a snap for this team when they've had the lead. I didn't want to risk an embarrasing loss by putting him out there". All of Arrowhead Nation nods in agreement at this wise, wise decision.
2:40pm: Russ drops the "the beer's cheaper and colder at the bus" blast that's the cue to pack up and leave. So's the vodka man. So's the vodka. But you don't leave a 49-0 boatrace victory early, do you?
2:42pm: realize the flask is empty. I drop the "the beer's cheaper and colder at the bus" blast.
2:43pm: hug Chris, shake Ray's hand. All of 132 agrees, its on like Donkey Kong inhaling multiple bongs in two weeks against those sleazy sons of b*tches from denver.
2:45pm: the traditional postgame hug from Jennifer.
2:46pm: begin walk up spiral ramp. Pound the column a few times with goofy ass grin on my face. The always awesome "beat the donkeys!" chants are flying. After a couple minutes, it turns into "f*ck the donkeys!", which immediately moves to number one in my "Favorite Moment of the Season-o-Meter".
2:55pm: reach the Bus. Pour screwdriver number ... uuh ... I've lost count. Pour a screwdriver.
2:56pm: hit my knees to do the traditional victory alcohol-fueled-whipped cream shot. Laughs all around. Event is recorded and posted to Youtube! and becomes an instant sensation, attracting 4 hits in the next 24 hours.
2:58pm: "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond pops up on the iPod. Leads to a rousing rendition led by "Sweet Daddy Stevo".
3:10pm: pour another screwdriver.
3:20pm: pour another screwdriver.
3:30pm: pour another screwdriver.
3:40pm: parking lot has finally emptied. Pour another screwdriver for the ride back.
3:42pm: Will gets behind the wheel. A look of horror emerges on my face.
3:51pm: arrive back at the "Bus Barn". Will beats his personal record from four weeks ago by nearly 3 minutes.
3:53pm: "Richard" wanders in with happy news: Jimmie Johnson has wrecked. A very loud "yes! Thank you Jesus yes! yes! yes!" comes out of my mouth.
4:30pm: head for home after pouring one last screwdriver. Nearly half a handle of vodka and a gallon of OJ, gone. Job well done.
4:40pm: turn off the phone, turn off the lights, lock the front door, and decide to take a "quick nap" before rewatching and recapping the game.
7:00am: alarm goes off to wake me up for work on Monday.
7:04am: first angry “where the hell’s the recap, yo!” email arrives in my work inbox …
See, life is so much easier when you know what's gonna happen ahead of time, right? :)
Seriously, it's gonna be 70ish and sunny. Tickets will be easy to come by. You can always move over by me if you want to experience Chiefs football the way it was meant to be enjoyed: next to an arrogant know-it-all pushing .25 on the BAC count, who thinks years of playing Madden have made him smarter than the coaching staffs on the field.
(Although in my defense: I am smarter and more knowledgeable pushing a .25 than half the coaches that have roamed the Arrowhead sidelines and coaching box the last couple years. Particularly those affiliated with the home town team).
If you need a place to tailgate, we'll hook you up. Just let me know to save you a spot to park, the grassy lot at the back of Lot G fills up pretty quick. Looks like the menu is burgers, dogs, and brats, with some tasty side dishes thrown in. Even if I’m wrong, I do know there will be plenty of liquid adult refreshment, some washers, some decent music, some good times, and at least a few games of beer pong at a minimum.
And oh yeah, the team on the field, that we're there to cheer on? This just in folks. They're in first place. They're one win away from matching our win total of the last two seasons combined. With a win, we'll still be in first place no matter what, and likely tied for the final wildcard berth with Indy, Tennessee, Jacksonville, and possibly Pittsburgh. And we're nine point favorites against a woeful Cardinals team that is in dead last in the NFC West, possibly the worst division in the history of the League.
at Chiefs (-9) 49, Cardinals 0, in a game that might not even be that close. Don't be a stranger! Come out and support your first place Kansas City … (crowd at end of national anthem voice) CHIEFS! It takes multiple people to get a beer pong game going, after all ...
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
a mailbag? wow!
Four months without a mailbag? Oy!
* "My team is the best there is! Again! Admit it Stevo, Duke rules!" -- Dusty J, KCK.
Fine, I'll admit it. They certainly look great on paper. And it's not like I'm a late convert here -- I nearly won our tourney picks pool by being the only person to pick Duke to win it all last spring. This year's team looks even better than last year's team that was good enough to win it all. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) seeing them on Monday against legitimate competition.
The real question is, though, not how good this Duke team is going to be. It's how great is this team going to be. Namely, can the Blue Devils run the table?
No team has done it in the regular season in 20 years, since the 1991 UNLV Running Rebels. No team has won every game it ultimately played since Bob Knight's Indiana Hoosiers in 1976. When I look at their schedule, I see seven potential pitfalls prior to the tournament, the one place you never want to hang a L in the record:
* Tuesday Nov 23, against either KSU or Gonzaga (ESPN). I hope its KSU, simply because the idea of two top-five and legitimate national title threats throwing down in week two is really appealing. Gonzaga would put up a fight, but probably would never draw closer than 6 or 8 in the second half, if they got that close down the stretch.
Odds of losing: KSU 40%, Gonzaga 15%.
* Wednesday Dec 1, vs Michigan State (ESPN). Gotta give the Dukies credit -- they have one impressive non-con this year. If this game was in East Lansing, I could see the upset, but probably not in Cameron.
Odds of losing: 20%.
* Saturday Dec 4, vs Butler (ESPN). A rematch of last season's tremendous, epic national championship game. Sadly, Gordon Heyward won't be on hand to recreate his near-championship winning shot.
Odds of losing: 5%.
* Saturday Jan 30, at St. John's (CBS). I love Steve Lavin as a head coach. Thought this was the best hire of the offseason. St. John's has talent. The question is, do they have enough to actually make MSG loud and rocking once again?
Odds of losing: 15%.
* Wednesday Feb 2, at Maryland (ESPN). Always a tough place to play. Duke got massacred there last year. But this ain't Grievis Vasquez' Terrapins.
Odds of losing: 25%.
* Saturday Feb 26, at Virginia Tech (ESPN). This is gonna be one really intriguing matchup. Va Tech's tourney hopes might be riding on this game. Blacksburg is anything but an easy place to play.
Odds of losing: 40%.
* Saturday March 5, at North Carolina (CBS). The second best rivalry in hoops brings down the ACC regular season, this year in the Dean Dome. You have to figure Roy isn't going to stink up the joint a second year in a row. Huge NCAA seeding and ACC regular season championship ramifications could be riding on this game.
Odds of losing: 50%.
There's other intriguing contests (namely at Florida State and hosting Temple), but these are the seven most likely trip-ups on the Duke schedule. And I can't legitimately give any opponent greater than a 50/50 shot of pulling out the victory. We could be in for an epic, historic season. And here Duke fans thought last year was something to remember.
* "I know you're a big TV guy. The question is, are there actually any new shows you like this fall?" -- Frank L, El Paso.
Yes, I am a big TV junkie. I'd much rather invest an hour a week into a tremendously written, acted, and directed TV show, than spend three hours in a movie theater. TV is more compelling to me, because it's just more real.
The only new show I make a point to never miss, is "Detroit 1-8-7". The comparisons to "NYPD Blue" are absolutely ridiculous -- "Detroit" at its finest (and the pilot was tremendously good television) isn't even comparable to "Blue" at its lowest (season eight). But I do agree, this is the best cop show on the air since "Blue", and it's got a rock solid set of actors (led by Michael Imperioli of "Sopranos" fame) that draw you into the storylines.
There were two other shows I had tremendously high hopes for ... and neither one of them is working for me. "Law and Order: Los Angeles" is, in a word, atrocious. I cannot stand Skeet Ulrich. Terence Howard is wasted here by only showing up in every other episode. And dammit, I miss Jack McCoy. Seriously, the last two years of "Law and Order" were as good as any they ever did. They finally had a rock solid cast at every position. Why cancel what's working for a watered-down inferior version? Yet another reason why NBC is in the crapper.
The other show I was geeked about was "The Event". I lasted two episodes. This is not the new "Lost". It's the new "Flash Forward", only p*ss poorly acted and with no discernable clue about where the show is headed.
Oh well, at least we have Simon Cowell on "Idol", and 16 straight weeks of "Lost" to look forward to come January, right? Oh. Dammit!
* "So what shows are left that you still watch, now that your favorite is no more"? -- Megan K, River Market.
Not much. The only four shows I make a point to watch are "NCIS", "Detroit 1-8-7", "Rules of Engagement", and "Two and a Half Men". I also TiVo "One Tree Hill", which I still cannot believe has gotten at least 70% better without Lucas and Peyton. (jose voice) Other than that, yo. Its just sports.
* "The DeJesus trade. Your thoughts"? -- Heath C, Harrisonville.
I'm fine with it. I get the fans frustration, the belief that this is just another "fire sale" type trade. My response to that is, what the hell did we ever win with David DeJesus? Zero winning seasons. Zero pennant chases. The only reason to show up after May was to either (a) tailgate, (b) get a tan, (c) watch the other team, or (d) tailgate. DeJesus is a nice complimentary player, but if he's the face of your franchise, you're going 67-95.
* "You've gotta be loving the finish to NASCAR" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.
Oh, absolutely. In the last three weeks, we've seen Mr. Invincible whiz away his points lead, we've seen two of the calmest, mild-mannered, most respected drivers in the sport throw down on pit row, and we've got three drivers entering the finale this week with a legitimate shot at winning the Championship. I'm grateful the Chiefs play early, so I can at least catch most of the finale.
* "No midseason Chiefs thoughts? Come on man!" -- Damien J, Midtown.
OK, fine, twist my arm.
Best game: Chiefs 21, Chargers 14, week one. If you were there that night to witness the rebirth of a once proud franchise, you get why this ranks as the best. I haven't seen Arrowhead that fired up in at least four years, since 2006. Probably because for the first time in four years, the fans had a reason to hope. That night was something I will never forget. It was the moment that made the last three years worth it.
Worst game: donkeys 49, Chiefs 29, week ten. It could have been 70-29, denver stopped trying after getting up 30.
Best moment: the whole Castro imitation and fallout, vs Bills week eight. You had to be there to truly realize how hilarious the moment was. One of those rare moments in life that not only meets the hype, but exceeds it.
Worst moment: holding in my emotions during the Chiefs no-show at denver. I apologize to everyone who was there. It's not truly a Chiefs experience when I don't act like, uuh, me.
Moment that could go either way: the new tradition of me taking liquor-flavored whipped cream shots after a Chiefs home win. On the one hand, we're undefeated when I take those suckers. On the other hand, having a white semi-liquidy / semi-solid substance blasted into my mouth as I'm on my knees is a little disturbing.
Best play, offense: the wildcat flea flicker touchdown to Dwayne Bowe, vs 49ers week three. Put the Chiefs ahead for good, opened the floodgates to a boatrace victory over a desperate opponent, and was honestly the most creative play I think I've ever seen executed on the field at Arrowhead.
Best play, defense: 4th and goal stand, vs Chargers week one. At home, these guys can beat anyone, if the crowd is as into it as they were that night. Three hours of standing in the rain, the cold, the misery, and the loudest that stadium got, was the final play. Awesome stuff.
Best play, special teams: forcing the punt return fumble midway through the 4th quarter, at oakland week 9. Even though the Chiefs ultimately lost, I firmly believe, if we don't somehow get that turnover, oakland would have run down the field, scored to go up 11, and put the game out of reach. Our defense was spent at that point. That was a huge moment in that game that gave the Chiefs life, and the Chiefs took full advantage of it, scoring on a Dwayne Bowe catch four minutes later.
Worst play, offense: Dwayne Bowe's drop of a touchdown, at Indianapolis week four. I firmly believe if he catches that, we win that game. Instead, the Chiefs have to settle for a field goal to tie the game, instead of taking the lead, and the Colts scored the winning touchdown on their next possession
Worst play, defense: Any play from the first four drives, at denver week ten. The donkeys ran 28 plays, all of which either gained yards or broke even. That is atrocious. Absolutely atrocious. 28 consecutive play (that eventually reached 41) without a negative play. You ain't gonna beat anyone when you play like that.
Worst play, special teams: the onside kick, at Indianapolis, week four. I completely agreed with the call, and I'd do the same thing again if I was in Todd Haley's position. But the way the ball was kicked, ensured it wouldn't go ten yards, it was going to fall short of the 40, which it did. Gotta do a better job of just kicking the damned thing forward, like Auburn did against Georgia to open the 2nd half on Saturday.
Most Valuable Player: Jamaal Charles. How can you pick anyone else? The one irreplacable part on this team.
Least Valuable Player: Chris Chambers. Is he still on the roster? I was unsure until the overshoot of the pass intended for him in denver last week. Is it too soon to just start calling him "Brett Perriman"?
Best development: Todd Haley's "riverboat gambler" approach to coaching. I have been screaming for years that you never punt on the opponents side of the field, unless you're up 7 late and trying to hold them for one last stop. I've been screaming for years that it makes far more sense to go for 4th and short than punt. College coaches figured this out a decade ago. There's only two coaches in the NFL right now who have the right mindset to milk positives out of bad situations, and we've got one of them.
(Side note: care to guess who the all-time 4th down "go for it" guys in NFL history are? Bill Parcells, Bill Belichick, Bill Cowher, Marty Schottenheimer, and mike shanahan. Call me nuts, but when you're coaching philosophy mirrors those guys, all of whom will eventually be in the Hall of Fame, four of whom have won a Super Bowl? You're probably doing the right thing).
Worst development: the "sellouts" at Arrowhead. Come on guys. We're better than this. It's utterly inconceivable to me that certain people who read this every week, aren't out there for every home game. The Hunt Family and the Chiefs organization gave you everything freaking thing you demanded -- a new GM, a new coach, new coordinators, better players, a state-of-the-art stadium, and oh yeah, A FIRST PLACE TEAM! What the f*ck is your excuse to not be out there every Sunday? It's an outrage.
Even Debbie and Beth are back this year. They bolted after 2007, vowing not to return until the Chiefs cleaned house and turned it around. And they'd been coming to games out there for at least 15 years at that point. Well, they're back. They kept up their end of the bargain, because the Chiefs fulfilled their end. Come on folks, you're missing getting in on the ground floor. And for what? Again, the Chiefs right now are the WORST they are going to be for at least the next four to five years. This is rock bottom for the next five years guys! And if rock bottom is a tie for first after ten weeks, and being the Vegas favorite to win this division with seven to go? I'll take that every day and twice on Sunday.
Show up Sunday! Make your mark! Do your part! This team needs you all to be what you are: the loudest, best, most passionate, most knowledgeable fans in football! The Sea of Red! Ok, let's move on.
Final thought: I still believe at the end of the day, the Chiefs / raiders finale will determine who wins the AFC West. I believe we will enter at 9-6, oakland will enter at 8-7, the winner takes the division. "Double or nothing". I'm sweating just thinking about how stressed out I will be that week ...
* "No NBA thoughts yet? No Bucks thoughts? Come on man, this is outrageous!" -- Brent S, Roeland Park.
I know, I know.
* "Seriously, no NBA Predictions? As one of the five confirmed NBA die-hards in Kansas City, and as your brother, I am embarrassed" -- Drew K, Shawnee.
I know, I know.
* "The Bucks are back to .500, and host the Lakers tonight ... and not one word of it so far? What, are you in a medically induced coma or something?" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
I know, I know.
* "You suck Stevo! Give us some NBA thoughts already!" -- JRob, parts unknown.
Fine.
The Bucks host the Lakers tonight (available on the NBA League Pass). I will be tuned in.
Of all the matchups, the most interesting one is how the Bucks are going to guard Pau Gasol. I think the Bucks are smart enough to realize Kobe is going to go off for 30 some odd points no matter who guards him. As long as the offense runs through Kobe, you have a chance to win. I know how ridiculous that sounds, put the ball in the hands of the best player in the Association, but trust me, watch the Lakers play. Everything they do well, funnels through Gasol in the post. He's incredible to watch. I'm not sure the Assocation has had a player like him since ... maybe Scottie Pippen in his prime? A natural power forward that can more than adequately fill the five hole, can attack the rim, and yet looks smooth and natural shooting it from 18 feet. Gasol makes me drool. I freaking love watching the guy play.
The other key, of course, is how controlled BJ plays. If he tries to "one-up" Kobe, this game is going to be ugly. You can't "one-up" Kobe. Rondo kept making that mistake in the Finals last year, and it killed the Celtics. (Well that, and a 23 rebound deficit in game seven). BJ has to play within himself. He has to pass the ball, he has to run the offense. If the shot is open, fine, take it. But don't force it.
The beauty of this Bucks team, and you've really seen it over the last week, week and a half as they're starting to gel after a 1-4 start, is the depth. There's no bona-fide "superstars" on the floor. There's nobody out there who is going to command a max contract or get ESPN to cover the announcement of where they're going to play next season. But there is talent everywhere. It's truly a "team". And they're starting to play like it.
As for the other request ... I wanted to wait until I had seen every team play at least once to post the predictions. There are still three teams I have not watched play for at least a half yet -- the Clippers, the 76ers, and the Pistons. The Bucks play Philly on Friday, and visit Detroit next week. I promise my season long picks with at least some analysis of each team, will be up by then.
For my initial thoughts (aka after ten games, still subject to change) though ...
Atlantic Division: Celtics (1).
Central Division: Bucks (2).
Southeast Division: Magic (3).
Other playoff teams: Heat (4), Hawks (5), Bulls (6), Knicks (7), Pacers (8).
First team out: Bobcats.
Other lottery bound teams: Raptors, Nets, 76ers, Pistons, Cavs, Wizards.
First round: Celtics over Pacers in 4; Bucks over Knicks in 6; Magic over Bulls in 5; Heat over Hawks in 5.
Second round: Celtics over Heat in 5; Bucks over Magic in 6.
Eastern Champs: Celtics over Bucks in 7.
Northwest Division: Jazz (3).
Southwest Division: Mavericks (1).
Pacific Division: Lakers (2).
Other playoff teams: Spurs (4), Blazers (5), Thunder (6), Hornets (7), Warriors (8).
First team out: Kings.
Other lottery bound teams: Wolves, Nuggets, Suns, Clippers, Rockets, Grizzlies.
First round: Mavs over Warriors in 6; Lakers over Hornets in 5; Thunder over Jazz in 5; Spurs over Blazers in 7.
Second round: Spurs over Mavs in 7; Lakers over Thunder in 7.
Western Champs: Spurs over Lakers in 6.
Hoisting the O'Brien Trophy: Celtics over Spurs in 7.
* "What the Book of the Month"? -- Ashley K, Shawnee.
Amazingly, I haven't read a new book in a couple months. Kind of surprising to me too. The last one I really got through was "Game Change", the look at the 2008 election that was very good (and gives the up-close and inside look into how the media destroyed the Clinton campaign by actively hiding all of Obama's flaws and scandals). Guess I need to take a trip to Borders to see what's worth reading. Although there's once I'd like to get through, Michael Eisner's look back at running ABC and Disney.
* “Any Big XII thoughts as we enter the final season of the conference as we’ve always known it”? – Scott H, Liberty.
Yeah, four actually.
(1) Come next year, if Iowa State is the worst team in the conference, how freaking loaded is the conference? You have six teams that are virtual tourney locks every year right now (KU, KSU, MU, UT, Baylor, A&M). You have three more that are usually in the mix for the postseason (OSU, OU, Tech). And Iowa State isn’t that far removed from being an annual top 3, top 4 seed in the tourney. This conference is going to rule next winter.
(2) KU is the most overrated team in the country. I’m not saying the Jayhawks are going to pull a UNC style collapse and fall to .500 this year. But this is not the best team in the conference at this point. If Selby is cleared, maybe. But this current roster at best finishes third.
(3) MU is one of the two most underrated teams in the country (along with Temple). They’re my pick to win the Big XII regular season, and it wouldn’t shock me to see them win the Big XII Tourney as well. I can’t even begin to put into words how much I love Mike Anderson as a coach. You can say a lot of things about MU, and God knows I’ll join you in poking fun at that school all day long, but that basketball team will never quit on a game.
(4) My predicted outcome for each team:
Missouri: 1st in Big XII, 3 seed, reaches Elite 8.
Kansas State: 2nd in Big XII, wins Big XII Tourney, 2 seed, reaches Final Four.
Kansas: 3rd in Big XII, 3 seed, reaches Sweet 16.
Baylor: 4th in Big XII, reaches Big XII Tourney final, 4 seed, reaches Sweet 16.
Texas A&M: 5th in Big XII, 6 seed, reaches Elite 8.
Texas: 6th in Big XII, 7 seed, reaches second round.
Texas Tech: 7th in Big XII, 9 seed, loses opening round.
Oklahoma State: 8th in Big XII, play-in game participant, loses play-in game.
Nebraska: 9th in Big XII, NIT.
Iowa State: 10th in Big XII, NIT.
Oklahoma: 11th in Big XII, no postseason.
Colorado: 12th in Big XII, no postseason.
* “What song or songs are you digging at this point? We haven’t had a musical update in a while!” – Kellie B, soon to be J, KCK.
I can tell you what I’m not digging, and if he’s dead, Terence Trent D’Arby is rolling over in his grave. (If he’s not dead, he’s probably rolling over underneath the bridge he’s living under).
Sheryl Crow’s version of “Sign Your Name”. To call this song an abortion of a performance, is to give it credit. This version is absolutely dreadful. There’s some songs that should never be updated. This is one of them. It’s horrible.
The top 5 songs playing on my iPod over the last two weeks:
* “Find Your Love” by Drake. Like the beat, like the sound. It’s on the tailgating mix for Sunday.
* “All or Nothing” by Theory of a Deadman. Absolutely love this song.
* “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones. In the interest of full disclosure … yes, this song is 30 years old. But Benny was the featured guest on “Into the Night with Tony Bruno” last Friday, and explained what the song was about … and I gotta tell you, any person with a conscience would tear up hearing him describe how he came to crank out his only number one single in less than an hour. It’s an awesome story. Just go to tonybrunoshow.com and choose the podcast feature, then go to Friday November 7 and listen to hour one. Awesome stuff. (That, and it really is a pretty sweet song).
* “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. Thank you, Sirius / XM, for bringing back at least one week of “Neil Diamond Radio”. So here’s a simple request – if you’ve given the Grateful Dead (who had exactly 1 top 20 hit, and if you can name it in the comments, I’ll buy you a beer next time I see you, provided you didn’t cheat to find out what it is) their own channel, you’ve given Pearl Jam (a band that hasn’t had a hit in a decade) their own channel, you’ve given the Chairman of the Board, Francis Albert Sinatra himself, his own channel, come on. Carve out one more slot on the dial for Neil permanently!!! But your undisputed leader:
* “DJ Got Us Falling in Love” by Usher. My favorite song of 2010 so far. I absolutely love this song. It’s on the mix for Sunday as well.
* “Wait, what do you mean, “tailgating mix for Sunday”? Dare we dream? Are we entering the mid 2000s and ditching CDs for the iPod”? -- Katie H, Lenexa.
Yup. I bought the FM tuner thingy that runs on batteries, so we’re going with iPods going forward. No more outdated mixes, no more cd’s that skip every two seconds. We’ve entered the modern era!
* “Wait, you’re picking the mix? Great. Just effing great. So we’ll get a healthy dose of late 70s / early 80s rock, a few modern songs, and some “light up a fatty for this pimp daddy” songs by Ben Harper or Dave. Just effing great” – Will D, Independence.
Hey, I didn’t say it would be my iPod on the player. I’m just saying, we ain’t CD dependent anymore. You can thank me later.
And I think I make a healthy mix of songs to please every person present. Unless you think the Black Eyed Peas are like the greatest thing since wine in a box. Then, well, sorry, you’ll be disappointed.
* “So I saw the picture, but I still don’t believe it. You really sang at this Halloween party you were at? Steve? On stage? The dude who hides from the camera when it comes around, the dude who admits his voice “sounds weird”, you sang in front of a bunch of folks?!?!” – Ashley G, Bonner Springs.
Yup. It pretty much went down as I recapped it. The band had never performed the song, I knew the song, but froze up on the lyrics … so it was pretty much three straight minutes of the chorus. And with all due respect, I brought the house down.
Also kind of potentially cool? My brother and our buddy Phill’s birthday bash is at Argosy on Saturday night. Scheduled to perform on the casino floor that night? KC Prime. Dare we dream “double or nothing”?
* “You suck Stevo. I have kicked your ass twice at fantasy football this year. You’re the doormat of the league!” – Jeff S, Omaha.
Admittedly, it’s a down year for team tito version 1.0. I will finish below .500 and miss the playoffs for the first time since 2004. Having said that, my roster is ripe for the picking. If you own the Salty Bananas, the Angry Beavers, GO BIG RED, or my new-found favorite team, Mistake by the Lake, please, feel free to make me an outrageous offer that is just fair enough to have the commish approve. (Or, and I say this as a hypothetical, I “hypothetically guess” that the commish of our league enjoys Hanover pretzels, peanut M&M’s, and quality domestic brews, in case you doubt he’d approve our trade proposal).
* “Let me close! You have to have some thoughts on the election!” – Shannon H, Harrisonville.
OK, you can close.
My thoughts on the election are basically … if turning the country back to the folks who turned a $500 billion surplus into a $1.8 trillion deficit in 8 years, if turning the country back to the folks who presided over the collapse of the credit and housing market, presided over the collapse of the stock market, launched two unwinnable and unsustainable wars, and, realizing the only way they could win in 2004 was to turn the nation against itself, decided to do just that by painting people with legitimate (and as it turned out, factual) objections to the wars as anti-American, as pro-terrorist, as traitors, if turning the country back to these people is viewed as a good thing, we’re screwed.
If turning the country back to the people who had eight years to overhaul Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, name the entitlement program, and instead chose to do nothing, if this is a good thing, we’re royally screwed.
And if believing that the party of “fiscal sanity”, you know, those same folks who literally bankrupted the country by $2.3 trillion dollars a year from our surplus in 2000 to our deficit in 2008, trusting those folks to make wise fiscal decisions, is the height of idiocy.
As I noted when we elected President Obama, a man I am no fan of, “you get what you vote for”. We elected an idiot as our President. We’ve elected a bunch of quack idealogues to run our Congress. Let’s just hope 2012 gives us something worth rallying behind and supporting, because another election cycle or two like the last three of them, and we’re staring a nation fracturing at the seams in the face. We’re better than John Boehner, better than Pelosi, better than Reid, better than Obama, better than the religious right, the radical left. This nation leads the world when it is run from the center. Please, please, please: remember that come 2012.
Having said that … you don’t emerge from a crisis, from rock bottom, overnight. It is going to take the collective effort of both sides, as well as the American voting public, to turn this country around for the better. As much as I agreed with the Clinton agenda in 93-94 … it took the Gingrich Revolution to move Clinton to the center, where he always should have been. Bush never had the revolt to move him to the center, where he should have been. Now, we see if Obama moves to the right, to meet the Republicans half way. If the Republicans truly care about the future of this country, they move a little left to reach out and meet him. If this crop of Republicans is what I fear them to be, they’ll move even further right, as ridiculously self-confident and “mandate driven” delusional as my side was after 2008. Sorry to close on a sad note … but the next two years are gonna be worse than the previous two. Let’s just hope, and believe, that in 2012, we reject both extremes, and elect moderates who care more about “Country First”, to quote Senator McCain, care more about “Country First” than “Party First”.
Sorry this one wasn't as funny or sarcastic as usual. So until the next one, please ... show up Sunday! Do your part! There's two regular readers I'm particularly thinking of, who have no legitimate reason to not be there Sunday. You know who you are. Do your part! (todd haley voice) Do your job and we'll win this game!
* "My team is the best there is! Again! Admit it Stevo, Duke rules!" -- Dusty J, KCK.
Fine, I'll admit it. They certainly look great on paper. And it's not like I'm a late convert here -- I nearly won our tourney picks pool by being the only person to pick Duke to win it all last spring. This year's team looks even better than last year's team that was good enough to win it all. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) seeing them on Monday against legitimate competition.
The real question is, though, not how good this Duke team is going to be. It's how great is this team going to be. Namely, can the Blue Devils run the table?
No team has done it in the regular season in 20 years, since the 1991 UNLV Running Rebels. No team has won every game it ultimately played since Bob Knight's Indiana Hoosiers in 1976. When I look at their schedule, I see seven potential pitfalls prior to the tournament, the one place you never want to hang a L in the record:
* Tuesday Nov 23, against either KSU or Gonzaga (ESPN). I hope its KSU, simply because the idea of two top-five and legitimate national title threats throwing down in week two is really appealing. Gonzaga would put up a fight, but probably would never draw closer than 6 or 8 in the second half, if they got that close down the stretch.
Odds of losing: KSU 40%, Gonzaga 15%.
* Wednesday Dec 1, vs Michigan State (ESPN). Gotta give the Dukies credit -- they have one impressive non-con this year. If this game was in East Lansing, I could see the upset, but probably not in Cameron.
Odds of losing: 20%.
* Saturday Dec 4, vs Butler (ESPN). A rematch of last season's tremendous, epic national championship game. Sadly, Gordon Heyward won't be on hand to recreate his near-championship winning shot.
Odds of losing: 5%.
* Saturday Jan 30, at St. John's (CBS). I love Steve Lavin as a head coach. Thought this was the best hire of the offseason. St. John's has talent. The question is, do they have enough to actually make MSG loud and rocking once again?
Odds of losing: 15%.
* Wednesday Feb 2, at Maryland (ESPN). Always a tough place to play. Duke got massacred there last year. But this ain't Grievis Vasquez' Terrapins.
Odds of losing: 25%.
* Saturday Feb 26, at Virginia Tech (ESPN). This is gonna be one really intriguing matchup. Va Tech's tourney hopes might be riding on this game. Blacksburg is anything but an easy place to play.
Odds of losing: 40%.
* Saturday March 5, at North Carolina (CBS). The second best rivalry in hoops brings down the ACC regular season, this year in the Dean Dome. You have to figure Roy isn't going to stink up the joint a second year in a row. Huge NCAA seeding and ACC regular season championship ramifications could be riding on this game.
Odds of losing: 50%.
There's other intriguing contests (namely at Florida State and hosting Temple), but these are the seven most likely trip-ups on the Duke schedule. And I can't legitimately give any opponent greater than a 50/50 shot of pulling out the victory. We could be in for an epic, historic season. And here Duke fans thought last year was something to remember.
* "I know you're a big TV guy. The question is, are there actually any new shows you like this fall?" -- Frank L, El Paso.
Yes, I am a big TV junkie. I'd much rather invest an hour a week into a tremendously written, acted, and directed TV show, than spend three hours in a movie theater. TV is more compelling to me, because it's just more real.
The only new show I make a point to never miss, is "Detroit 1-8-7". The comparisons to "NYPD Blue" are absolutely ridiculous -- "Detroit" at its finest (and the pilot was tremendously good television) isn't even comparable to "Blue" at its lowest (season eight). But I do agree, this is the best cop show on the air since "Blue", and it's got a rock solid set of actors (led by Michael Imperioli of "Sopranos" fame) that draw you into the storylines.
There were two other shows I had tremendously high hopes for ... and neither one of them is working for me. "Law and Order: Los Angeles" is, in a word, atrocious. I cannot stand Skeet Ulrich. Terence Howard is wasted here by only showing up in every other episode. And dammit, I miss Jack McCoy. Seriously, the last two years of "Law and Order" were as good as any they ever did. They finally had a rock solid cast at every position. Why cancel what's working for a watered-down inferior version? Yet another reason why NBC is in the crapper.
The other show I was geeked about was "The Event". I lasted two episodes. This is not the new "Lost". It's the new "Flash Forward", only p*ss poorly acted and with no discernable clue about where the show is headed.
Oh well, at least we have Simon Cowell on "Idol", and 16 straight weeks of "Lost" to look forward to come January, right? Oh. Dammit!
* "So what shows are left that you still watch, now that your favorite is no more"? -- Megan K, River Market.
Not much. The only four shows I make a point to watch are "NCIS", "Detroit 1-8-7", "Rules of Engagement", and "Two and a Half Men". I also TiVo "One Tree Hill", which I still cannot believe has gotten at least 70% better without Lucas and Peyton. (jose voice) Other than that, yo. Its just sports.
* "The DeJesus trade. Your thoughts"? -- Heath C, Harrisonville.
I'm fine with it. I get the fans frustration, the belief that this is just another "fire sale" type trade. My response to that is, what the hell did we ever win with David DeJesus? Zero winning seasons. Zero pennant chases. The only reason to show up after May was to either (a) tailgate, (b) get a tan, (c) watch the other team, or (d) tailgate. DeJesus is a nice complimentary player, but if he's the face of your franchise, you're going 67-95.
* "You've gotta be loving the finish to NASCAR" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.
Oh, absolutely. In the last three weeks, we've seen Mr. Invincible whiz away his points lead, we've seen two of the calmest, mild-mannered, most respected drivers in the sport throw down on pit row, and we've got three drivers entering the finale this week with a legitimate shot at winning the Championship. I'm grateful the Chiefs play early, so I can at least catch most of the finale.
* "No midseason Chiefs thoughts? Come on man!" -- Damien J, Midtown.
OK, fine, twist my arm.
Best game: Chiefs 21, Chargers 14, week one. If you were there that night to witness the rebirth of a once proud franchise, you get why this ranks as the best. I haven't seen Arrowhead that fired up in at least four years, since 2006. Probably because for the first time in four years, the fans had a reason to hope. That night was something I will never forget. It was the moment that made the last three years worth it.
Worst game: donkeys 49, Chiefs 29, week ten. It could have been 70-29, denver stopped trying after getting up 30.
Best moment: the whole Castro imitation and fallout, vs Bills week eight. You had to be there to truly realize how hilarious the moment was. One of those rare moments in life that not only meets the hype, but exceeds it.
Worst moment: holding in my emotions during the Chiefs no-show at denver. I apologize to everyone who was there. It's not truly a Chiefs experience when I don't act like, uuh, me.
Moment that could go either way: the new tradition of me taking liquor-flavored whipped cream shots after a Chiefs home win. On the one hand, we're undefeated when I take those suckers. On the other hand, having a white semi-liquidy / semi-solid substance blasted into my mouth as I'm on my knees is a little disturbing.
Best play, offense: the wildcat flea flicker touchdown to Dwayne Bowe, vs 49ers week three. Put the Chiefs ahead for good, opened the floodgates to a boatrace victory over a desperate opponent, and was honestly the most creative play I think I've ever seen executed on the field at Arrowhead.
Best play, defense: 4th and goal stand, vs Chargers week one. At home, these guys can beat anyone, if the crowd is as into it as they were that night. Three hours of standing in the rain, the cold, the misery, and the loudest that stadium got, was the final play. Awesome stuff.
Best play, special teams: forcing the punt return fumble midway through the 4th quarter, at oakland week 9. Even though the Chiefs ultimately lost, I firmly believe, if we don't somehow get that turnover, oakland would have run down the field, scored to go up 11, and put the game out of reach. Our defense was spent at that point. That was a huge moment in that game that gave the Chiefs life, and the Chiefs took full advantage of it, scoring on a Dwayne Bowe catch four minutes later.
Worst play, offense: Dwayne Bowe's drop of a touchdown, at Indianapolis week four. I firmly believe if he catches that, we win that game. Instead, the Chiefs have to settle for a field goal to tie the game, instead of taking the lead, and the Colts scored the winning touchdown on their next possession
Worst play, defense: Any play from the first four drives, at denver week ten. The donkeys ran 28 plays, all of which either gained yards or broke even. That is atrocious. Absolutely atrocious. 28 consecutive play (that eventually reached 41) without a negative play. You ain't gonna beat anyone when you play like that.
Worst play, special teams: the onside kick, at Indianapolis, week four. I completely agreed with the call, and I'd do the same thing again if I was in Todd Haley's position. But the way the ball was kicked, ensured it wouldn't go ten yards, it was going to fall short of the 40, which it did. Gotta do a better job of just kicking the damned thing forward, like Auburn did against Georgia to open the 2nd half on Saturday.
Most Valuable Player: Jamaal Charles. How can you pick anyone else? The one irreplacable part on this team.
Least Valuable Player: Chris Chambers. Is he still on the roster? I was unsure until the overshoot of the pass intended for him in denver last week. Is it too soon to just start calling him "Brett Perriman"?
Best development: Todd Haley's "riverboat gambler" approach to coaching. I have been screaming for years that you never punt on the opponents side of the field, unless you're up 7 late and trying to hold them for one last stop. I've been screaming for years that it makes far more sense to go for 4th and short than punt. College coaches figured this out a decade ago. There's only two coaches in the NFL right now who have the right mindset to milk positives out of bad situations, and we've got one of them.
(Side note: care to guess who the all-time 4th down "go for it" guys in NFL history are? Bill Parcells, Bill Belichick, Bill Cowher, Marty Schottenheimer, and mike shanahan. Call me nuts, but when you're coaching philosophy mirrors those guys, all of whom will eventually be in the Hall of Fame, four of whom have won a Super Bowl? You're probably doing the right thing).
Worst development: the "sellouts" at Arrowhead. Come on guys. We're better than this. It's utterly inconceivable to me that certain people who read this every week, aren't out there for every home game. The Hunt Family and the Chiefs organization gave you everything freaking thing you demanded -- a new GM, a new coach, new coordinators, better players, a state-of-the-art stadium, and oh yeah, A FIRST PLACE TEAM! What the f*ck is your excuse to not be out there every Sunday? It's an outrage.
Even Debbie and Beth are back this year. They bolted after 2007, vowing not to return until the Chiefs cleaned house and turned it around. And they'd been coming to games out there for at least 15 years at that point. Well, they're back. They kept up their end of the bargain, because the Chiefs fulfilled their end. Come on folks, you're missing getting in on the ground floor. And for what? Again, the Chiefs right now are the WORST they are going to be for at least the next four to five years. This is rock bottom for the next five years guys! And if rock bottom is a tie for first after ten weeks, and being the Vegas favorite to win this division with seven to go? I'll take that every day and twice on Sunday.
Show up Sunday! Make your mark! Do your part! This team needs you all to be what you are: the loudest, best, most passionate, most knowledgeable fans in football! The Sea of Red! Ok, let's move on.
Final thought: I still believe at the end of the day, the Chiefs / raiders finale will determine who wins the AFC West. I believe we will enter at 9-6, oakland will enter at 8-7, the winner takes the division. "Double or nothing". I'm sweating just thinking about how stressed out I will be that week ...
* "No NBA thoughts yet? No Bucks thoughts? Come on man, this is outrageous!" -- Brent S, Roeland Park.
I know, I know.
* "Seriously, no NBA Predictions? As one of the five confirmed NBA die-hards in Kansas City, and as your brother, I am embarrassed" -- Drew K, Shawnee.
I know, I know.
* "The Bucks are back to .500, and host the Lakers tonight ... and not one word of it so far? What, are you in a medically induced coma or something?" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
I know, I know.
* "You suck Stevo! Give us some NBA thoughts already!" -- JRob, parts unknown.
Fine.
The Bucks host the Lakers tonight (available on the NBA League Pass). I will be tuned in.
Of all the matchups, the most interesting one is how the Bucks are going to guard Pau Gasol. I think the Bucks are smart enough to realize Kobe is going to go off for 30 some odd points no matter who guards him. As long as the offense runs through Kobe, you have a chance to win. I know how ridiculous that sounds, put the ball in the hands of the best player in the Association, but trust me, watch the Lakers play. Everything they do well, funnels through Gasol in the post. He's incredible to watch. I'm not sure the Assocation has had a player like him since ... maybe Scottie Pippen in his prime? A natural power forward that can more than adequately fill the five hole, can attack the rim, and yet looks smooth and natural shooting it from 18 feet. Gasol makes me drool. I freaking love watching the guy play.
The other key, of course, is how controlled BJ plays. If he tries to "one-up" Kobe, this game is going to be ugly. You can't "one-up" Kobe. Rondo kept making that mistake in the Finals last year, and it killed the Celtics. (Well that, and a 23 rebound deficit in game seven). BJ has to play within himself. He has to pass the ball, he has to run the offense. If the shot is open, fine, take it. But don't force it.
The beauty of this Bucks team, and you've really seen it over the last week, week and a half as they're starting to gel after a 1-4 start, is the depth. There's no bona-fide "superstars" on the floor. There's nobody out there who is going to command a max contract or get ESPN to cover the announcement of where they're going to play next season. But there is talent everywhere. It's truly a "team". And they're starting to play like it.
As for the other request ... I wanted to wait until I had seen every team play at least once to post the predictions. There are still three teams I have not watched play for at least a half yet -- the Clippers, the 76ers, and the Pistons. The Bucks play Philly on Friday, and visit Detroit next week. I promise my season long picks with at least some analysis of each team, will be up by then.
For my initial thoughts (aka after ten games, still subject to change) though ...
Atlantic Division: Celtics (1).
Central Division: Bucks (2).
Southeast Division: Magic (3).
Other playoff teams: Heat (4), Hawks (5), Bulls (6), Knicks (7), Pacers (8).
First team out: Bobcats.
Other lottery bound teams: Raptors, Nets, 76ers, Pistons, Cavs, Wizards.
First round: Celtics over Pacers in 4; Bucks over Knicks in 6; Magic over Bulls in 5; Heat over Hawks in 5.
Second round: Celtics over Heat in 5; Bucks over Magic in 6.
Eastern Champs: Celtics over Bucks in 7.
Northwest Division: Jazz (3).
Southwest Division: Mavericks (1).
Pacific Division: Lakers (2).
Other playoff teams: Spurs (4), Blazers (5), Thunder (6), Hornets (7), Warriors (8).
First team out: Kings.
Other lottery bound teams: Wolves, Nuggets, Suns, Clippers, Rockets, Grizzlies.
First round: Mavs over Warriors in 6; Lakers over Hornets in 5; Thunder over Jazz in 5; Spurs over Blazers in 7.
Second round: Spurs over Mavs in 7; Lakers over Thunder in 7.
Western Champs: Spurs over Lakers in 6.
Hoisting the O'Brien Trophy: Celtics over Spurs in 7.
* "What the Book of the Month"? -- Ashley K, Shawnee.
Amazingly, I haven't read a new book in a couple months. Kind of surprising to me too. The last one I really got through was "Game Change", the look at the 2008 election that was very good (and gives the up-close and inside look into how the media destroyed the Clinton campaign by actively hiding all of Obama's flaws and scandals). Guess I need to take a trip to Borders to see what's worth reading. Although there's once I'd like to get through, Michael Eisner's look back at running ABC and Disney.
* “Any Big XII thoughts as we enter the final season of the conference as we’ve always known it”? – Scott H, Liberty.
Yeah, four actually.
(1) Come next year, if Iowa State is the worst team in the conference, how freaking loaded is the conference? You have six teams that are virtual tourney locks every year right now (KU, KSU, MU, UT, Baylor, A&M). You have three more that are usually in the mix for the postseason (OSU, OU, Tech). And Iowa State isn’t that far removed from being an annual top 3, top 4 seed in the tourney. This conference is going to rule next winter.
(2) KU is the most overrated team in the country. I’m not saying the Jayhawks are going to pull a UNC style collapse and fall to .500 this year. But this is not the best team in the conference at this point. If Selby is cleared, maybe. But this current roster at best finishes third.
(3) MU is one of the two most underrated teams in the country (along with Temple). They’re my pick to win the Big XII regular season, and it wouldn’t shock me to see them win the Big XII Tourney as well. I can’t even begin to put into words how much I love Mike Anderson as a coach. You can say a lot of things about MU, and God knows I’ll join you in poking fun at that school all day long, but that basketball team will never quit on a game.
(4) My predicted outcome for each team:
Missouri: 1st in Big XII, 3 seed, reaches Elite 8.
Kansas State: 2nd in Big XII, wins Big XII Tourney, 2 seed, reaches Final Four.
Kansas: 3rd in Big XII, 3 seed, reaches Sweet 16.
Baylor: 4th in Big XII, reaches Big XII Tourney final, 4 seed, reaches Sweet 16.
Texas A&M: 5th in Big XII, 6 seed, reaches Elite 8.
Texas: 6th in Big XII, 7 seed, reaches second round.
Texas Tech: 7th in Big XII, 9 seed, loses opening round.
Oklahoma State: 8th in Big XII, play-in game participant, loses play-in game.
Nebraska: 9th in Big XII, NIT.
Iowa State: 10th in Big XII, NIT.
Oklahoma: 11th in Big XII, no postseason.
Colorado: 12th in Big XII, no postseason.
* “What song or songs are you digging at this point? We haven’t had a musical update in a while!” – Kellie B, soon to be J, KCK.
I can tell you what I’m not digging, and if he’s dead, Terence Trent D’Arby is rolling over in his grave. (If he’s not dead, he’s probably rolling over underneath the bridge he’s living under).
Sheryl Crow’s version of “Sign Your Name”. To call this song an abortion of a performance, is to give it credit. This version is absolutely dreadful. There’s some songs that should never be updated. This is one of them. It’s horrible.
The top 5 songs playing on my iPod over the last two weeks:
* “Find Your Love” by Drake. Like the beat, like the sound. It’s on the tailgating mix for Sunday.
* “All or Nothing” by Theory of a Deadman. Absolutely love this song.
* “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones. In the interest of full disclosure … yes, this song is 30 years old. But Benny was the featured guest on “Into the Night with Tony Bruno” last Friday, and explained what the song was about … and I gotta tell you, any person with a conscience would tear up hearing him describe how he came to crank out his only number one single in less than an hour. It’s an awesome story. Just go to tonybrunoshow.com and choose the podcast feature, then go to Friday November 7 and listen to hour one. Awesome stuff. (That, and it really is a pretty sweet song).
* “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. Thank you, Sirius / XM, for bringing back at least one week of “Neil Diamond Radio”. So here’s a simple request – if you’ve given the Grateful Dead (who had exactly 1 top 20 hit, and if you can name it in the comments, I’ll buy you a beer next time I see you, provided you didn’t cheat to find out what it is) their own channel, you’ve given Pearl Jam (a band that hasn’t had a hit in a decade) their own channel, you’ve given the Chairman of the Board, Francis Albert Sinatra himself, his own channel, come on. Carve out one more slot on the dial for Neil permanently!!! But your undisputed leader:
* “DJ Got Us Falling in Love” by Usher. My favorite song of 2010 so far. I absolutely love this song. It’s on the mix for Sunday as well.
* “Wait, what do you mean, “tailgating mix for Sunday”? Dare we dream? Are we entering the mid 2000s and ditching CDs for the iPod”? -- Katie H, Lenexa.
Yup. I bought the FM tuner thingy that runs on batteries, so we’re going with iPods going forward. No more outdated mixes, no more cd’s that skip every two seconds. We’ve entered the modern era!
* “Wait, you’re picking the mix? Great. Just effing great. So we’ll get a healthy dose of late 70s / early 80s rock, a few modern songs, and some “light up a fatty for this pimp daddy” songs by Ben Harper or Dave. Just effing great” – Will D, Independence.
Hey, I didn’t say it would be my iPod on the player. I’m just saying, we ain’t CD dependent anymore. You can thank me later.
And I think I make a healthy mix of songs to please every person present. Unless you think the Black Eyed Peas are like the greatest thing since wine in a box. Then, well, sorry, you’ll be disappointed.
* “So I saw the picture, but I still don’t believe it. You really sang at this Halloween party you were at? Steve? On stage? The dude who hides from the camera when it comes around, the dude who admits his voice “sounds weird”, you sang in front of a bunch of folks?!?!” – Ashley G, Bonner Springs.
Yup. It pretty much went down as I recapped it. The band had never performed the song, I knew the song, but froze up on the lyrics … so it was pretty much three straight minutes of the chorus. And with all due respect, I brought the house down.
Also kind of potentially cool? My brother and our buddy Phill’s birthday bash is at Argosy on Saturday night. Scheduled to perform on the casino floor that night? KC Prime. Dare we dream “double or nothing”?
* “You suck Stevo. I have kicked your ass twice at fantasy football this year. You’re the doormat of the league!” – Jeff S, Omaha.
Admittedly, it’s a down year for team tito version 1.0. I will finish below .500 and miss the playoffs for the first time since 2004. Having said that, my roster is ripe for the picking. If you own the Salty Bananas, the Angry Beavers, GO BIG RED, or my new-found favorite team, Mistake by the Lake, please, feel free to make me an outrageous offer that is just fair enough to have the commish approve. (Or, and I say this as a hypothetical, I “hypothetically guess” that the commish of our league enjoys Hanover pretzels, peanut M&M’s, and quality domestic brews, in case you doubt he’d approve our trade proposal).
* “Let me close! You have to have some thoughts on the election!” – Shannon H, Harrisonville.
OK, you can close.
My thoughts on the election are basically … if turning the country back to the folks who turned a $500 billion surplus into a $1.8 trillion deficit in 8 years, if turning the country back to the folks who presided over the collapse of the credit and housing market, presided over the collapse of the stock market, launched two unwinnable and unsustainable wars, and, realizing the only way they could win in 2004 was to turn the nation against itself, decided to do just that by painting people with legitimate (and as it turned out, factual) objections to the wars as anti-American, as pro-terrorist, as traitors, if turning the country back to these people is viewed as a good thing, we’re screwed.
If turning the country back to the people who had eight years to overhaul Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, name the entitlement program, and instead chose to do nothing, if this is a good thing, we’re royally screwed.
And if believing that the party of “fiscal sanity”, you know, those same folks who literally bankrupted the country by $2.3 trillion dollars a year from our surplus in 2000 to our deficit in 2008, trusting those folks to make wise fiscal decisions, is the height of idiocy.
As I noted when we elected President Obama, a man I am no fan of, “you get what you vote for”. We elected an idiot as our President. We’ve elected a bunch of quack idealogues to run our Congress. Let’s just hope 2012 gives us something worth rallying behind and supporting, because another election cycle or two like the last three of them, and we’re staring a nation fracturing at the seams in the face. We’re better than John Boehner, better than Pelosi, better than Reid, better than Obama, better than the religious right, the radical left. This nation leads the world when it is run from the center. Please, please, please: remember that come 2012.
Having said that … you don’t emerge from a crisis, from rock bottom, overnight. It is going to take the collective effort of both sides, as well as the American voting public, to turn this country around for the better. As much as I agreed with the Clinton agenda in 93-94 … it took the Gingrich Revolution to move Clinton to the center, where he always should have been. Bush never had the revolt to move him to the center, where he should have been. Now, we see if Obama moves to the right, to meet the Republicans half way. If the Republicans truly care about the future of this country, they move a little left to reach out and meet him. If this crop of Republicans is what I fear them to be, they’ll move even further right, as ridiculously self-confident and “mandate driven” delusional as my side was after 2008. Sorry to close on a sad note … but the next two years are gonna be worse than the previous two. Let’s just hope, and believe, that in 2012, we reject both extremes, and elect moderates who care more about “Country First”, to quote Senator McCain, care more about “Country First” than “Party First”.
Sorry this one wasn't as funny or sarcastic as usual. So until the next one, please ... show up Sunday! Do your part! There's two regular readers I'm particularly thinking of, who have no legitimate reason to not be there Sunday. You know who you are. Do your part! (todd haley voice) Do your job and we'll win this game!
an old school monday!
WWE’s “Monday Night Raw” promised an “Old School” Monday. Tons of the guys I grew up watching and rooting for. I haven’t watched an episode of “Raw” in at least a year … but anytime you promise me living legends, I can tune in for a night. Here’s your retro-active diary of what went down …
7:00: I hear an ambulance! Yes, it’s a live Old School WWE event! And they’ve got the old school intro! The King is fired up! Michael Cole in the cheesy Vince McMahon outfit! Holy crap, this might be another four bottle night!
7:02: Mean! Gene! Okerlund!!! YES! Hell yes! Mean! Gene! Okerlund!!! Looking damned good for pushing 80. There was nothing sweeter as a kid than hearing Mean Gene urge me to “call my satellite or cable provider” to order the PPV.
7:03: Cowboy Bob Orton! With a broken left arm. KCK’s finest!
7:03: Cowboy Bob looks frighteningly like Chan Gailey. Scarily like Chan Gailey.
7:04: the patented Mean Gene “whoa!” as he looks frightened by the crowd reaction. Good God, I have missed this.
7:04: some dude named “The Nexus” comes out. Sorry, I haven’t watched RAW in nearly a year, since the last time they pulled a “bring back the wrestlers that people give a sh*t about” stunt. I guess he’s battling Randy Orton for the title on Sunday night.
7:06: this guy sounds like William Regal. Let’s hope we get a Bill Regal sighting tonight, by the way.
7:07: the Miz! Sweet Jesus, who would have EVER guessed he’d be the most famous alumnus of “The Real World”?
7:08: Mean Gene is right at home. Love that guy. I might have to call my satellite and/or cable provider Sunday night to order this “Survivor Series” if he implores me to.
7:09: John Cena on the video board. Whoa, Cena vs Miz tonight. Cena’s the only decent superstar they’ve got left, or at least the only one I’d pay to watch. And Miz accepts the match! Great.
7:09: Okerlund in mid-season form. Let’s see more of him going forward.
First commercial break. I’m not quite a bottle in at this point. Tonight’s bottle of choice? Little Penguin shiraz, and I have a couple Yellowtail merlot’s ready to tap. But again, I don’t have a drinking problem. Not even a small one. None whatsoever.
And I love this commercial with everyone playing the Call of Duty video game. Awesome.
7:13: we’re back! It’s Ed Guerrero’s widow! Managing Dolph Ziegler. I love the female managers. Not sure who Dolph is up against, but if you guessed Dolph Ziegler was a ripoff of Dolph Lundgren, congratulations, you’re a winner.
7:14: oh Christ, he’s battling Sexual Chocolate, Mark Henry. To think he’s tapped Mae Young.
7:15: Cole bitching about sitting on a steel chair. You’ve gotta figure that chair is going to knock someone through the Spanish announcing table tonight.
7:17: Cole compares Dolph to Ravishing Rick Rude. Uuh, not seeing it. Rick Rude was the man. This Dolph guy is a tool. And The King just compares Mark Henry to Bruno San Martino. I want whatever the King is smoking.
7:18: Cole brings up the Mae Young angle! Let’s just pretend that never, never, never, never happened.
7:20: Cole: Vicki Guerrero is “too old” for the King to date. So true. So very, very true.
7:20: King: there’s “just a grease spot left on the canvas” after Henry misses “The Pancake”.
7:20: Cole: the refs look like “Chippendales Dancers”. Actually … they do.
7:21: This match has been brutally unwatchable save for the commentary. Say what you want about the old XFL, the commentary was always great.
7:21: Dolph wins with the sleeper! Dolph doesn’t look all there. Let’s hope that is the last time we have to see Dolph tonight.
7:22: King: “If I had to go home with Vicki Guerrero right now, I’d want someone to put the sleeper on me!” I freaking love the King.
7:23: Tony Atlas! Sounds like he has marbles in his mouth. And he’s holding a WD40 bottle. Uuh, the kids use KY nowadays, Tony. Works much better.
Commercial number two. Bathroom break time. Might be the last one I get until the Undertaker takes center stage (rimshot!)
7:26: we’re back. Tony Atlas still using the WD40. Good God, if it takes you three minutes to lube up, you don’t know what you’re doing.
7:26: tag team match. The champs, two dudes I have never seen before, against … The Hart Dynasty?!?! It’s the Hart kids! Gotta cheer for them.
7:26: come on, no Canadian looks that good with his shirt off.
7:26: The King letting his disgust of Michael Cole shine through. Seriously, its Old School night! Where the hell is Good Ol’ JR?
7:27: one of these Hart kids is Owen’s kid. Uuh, I witnessed that guy die. Bad memories. Or as I remember it:
(gregg) whoa! (points to ceiling)
(steve) whoa! (notes dude falling 75 feet from ceiling to mat)
(gregg) this isn’t gonna end well …
7:29: whoa! The Hart kids turn on each other! Never saw this coming! One, two, three, the no-names with a huge N on their crotch win! Love it!
7:31: more Mean Gene! With … Randy Orton! Some folks can pull off the heavily tatted look, and some can’t. Randy definitely can. (I definitely could not).
7:32: some black guy I don’t know interrupts the interview. And Mean Gene is in classic interview mode. I am thoroughly enjoying this. Orton threatens to “crush Cena’s head”. Gotta love the double entendre’s the WWE offers up.
Another commercial. As Chuck Woolery would say, “back in two and two”.
Gus Johnson Wild Wings ad. If you haven’t seen his call of the Jags Hail Mary yesterday, you have to go to nfl.com and see it. He literally starts clapping and screaming like a seal on the air. I freaking loved it. Screw you MSG, for firing Gus. The Knicks deserve a ninth straight season of meaninglessness for that stupid decision.
7:37pm: we’re back. More Mean Gene! Hyping merchandise. I have said it before and I will say it again: I f*cking LOVE Mean Gene Okerlund! That man could sell Obamacare to the religious right, he’s that rock solid.
7:38: Okerlund: “hey, are they selling my blazers yet? These things are a peach!”
7:38: Howard Finkel!!! Suh-weet!!! In the tuxedo to boot!!! And he’s introducing … accompanied by Harvey Wimpleman … THE Brooklyn Brawler! Holy God! Holy f*cking God! Harvey was once the women’s champion, I do remember that Michael Cole. This is beyond awesome. The King is making rooster sounds. I almost spit out the shiraz, I’m laughing so hard.
7:39: he’s fighting, the Brawler is. He’s challenging “anyone from the new school to a match right now”. Who’ll take the challenge? It’s … Ezekiel Jackson! Who? The ref is in a classic Charles Robinson hairdo. I’m telling you, if you grew up watching the WWE in its glory days, this is beyond awesome.
7:42: Cole: “Brawler is in a match on Monday Night Raw. Words I never thought I would say”.
7:42: the Robinson wig is hysterical. Brawler quickly pinned. Cole: “The mighty Brawler has struck out”.
7:43: this Zeke guy looks like Christian Okoye. That was meant as a compliment – Okoye is the most built upper body I’ve ever seen. That dude … to quote my buddy Bunch, “that dude is stacked!”
And we’re at commercial. WrestleMania is April 3, 2011, live from Atlanta’s Georgia Dome. It’s number 27. Good God, there have been 27 of these things? And I haven’t seen one in at least two years. What’s wrong with me? Then again, I have been arrested in the comforts of my own home while watching WrestleMania before, so it’s probably best for all involved that I not watch it live.
7:47: we’re back. Vote for your WWE diva tomorrow. Remember the good old days when you had gratuitous, no reason for it, female frontal nudity on pay per views? Yeah. Being 21 and horny had its advantages back in the day.
7:48: these N guys are all over my screen. I have no idea who these folks are. I need to tune in more often.
7:48: Cole in the classic WWF blazer. Awesome. Still looking like Vince too. They’re really pushing this Wade Barrett dude.
7:49: who is the GM of RAW nowadays? I stopped keeping track when Eric Bischoff was kicked to the curb.
7:50: gratuitous John Cena sighting. Cena’s the best thing they have going for them at this point. Other than “Old School” of course.
And, another commercial. Now I’m remembering how me and G used to knock out RAW in 29 minutes or less back in the day. TiVo!
Wow, a storyline with Paul Bearer, Kane, and Edge is just not making me want to buy this PPV. Sorry fellas, the Paul Bearer / Kane angle sailed 15 years ago.
7:55: trivia!
7:55: we have a John Cena sighting! As he heads to the ring! You gotta love Cena. The guy freaking rules.
7:55: Cena working the Charles Robinson wig. Awesome.
7:56: the Miz! Holy crap, the WWE is blowing the load not even an hour in? How awesome are the last two hours going to be if Cena / Miz is being disposed this early on? (I don’t know, but I’m giddy to find out!)
7:57: ok, maybe not. Miz on the mic at the top of the ramp.
7:57: Miz going to the bullpen. Relieving him is Alex Riley. Who?
7:57: Miz is obsessed with getting facialized.
8:00: Cena’s match underway. I’m giving this 3 minutes max. The Charles Robinson wanna-be is reffing.
8:01: more “Cole / King tension played off for fun, but anyone can see they really hate each other’s guts” fun.
8:01: classic ref distraction / side guy knocks out other opponent move.
8:02: I cannot believe a MTV “Real World” alumnus is less than six days away from possibly being the next WWE World Champion. On the other hand, David Arquette once held the WCW World Championship …
8:03: the F U?
8:03: the F U!
8:03: wait, they changed the name to the Attitude Adjustment? What the f*ck?!?!
8:03: Cena wins!
8:03: Orton! Miz! Throwing down in the ring! Wait, where did Randy Orton come from?
8:04: Cena! Orton! You know its on when you rip the t-shirt off!
8:05: the classic “5 refs somehow appear to stop this thing” gag. And … we’ve got an instant message from the GM of RAW! Cole: Cena, Orton, you’ll be guests on Piper’s Pit! Holy sh*t, we’re getting a Rowdy Roddy Piper sighting tonight! Suh-weet!
Commercial break. I need to catch my breath.
Its 21-0 Philly not even 10 minutes in. Nice to see the Redskins decided to pull a Chiefs and not even bother to show up tonight (rimshot!)
I could really go for a McRib right now. If we get a dud match, there might be a lull in these blogging proceedings as I make a beeline for the McDonalds a couple blocks away.
8:09: classic WWF intro. Awesome.
8:10: I hear an ambulance again. And more Howard Finkel! And … The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff! Holy f*cking God!!! And the traditional “respect their National Anthem as Nikolai sings” tradition. King: “Nikolai’s held up about as well as Keith Richards”.
8:11: can it be? No. Its two no-names. I was praying for Hacksaw Jim Duggan there. Interrupted for some other Russian dude to join Nicolai. The USA chants are flying. Come on Jim. Come on …
8:12: the Iron Sheik looks blitzed. In his defense, I would be too.
8:13: Slick! YES! Holy crap! Iron Sheik is pissed that his anthem hasn’t been played. Slick is pimpin it big time!
8:14: Sheik tells USA chanters to “shut up”. Where is Hacksaw Jim? This nation needs a hero …
8:15: its two black guys in a tag team championship … it’s Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka’s kids! Holy God! I was ready to bolt for Mickey D’s, but I ain’t walking out on Superfly’s kids! Live next, on Monday Night RAW!
Commercial break. My dad just checked in. “You watching RAW tonight?” Well, 99 times out of 100 on a Monday night at 8:19pm CT, I’d be on “Two and a Half Men” … but yes, yes I am watching.
8:20: an old school return, as the match has already started! Love joining the match midway through, just like the old school NBC Saturday Night Wrestling. Uuh, not that my dad ever let me stay up to watch that when I was like 7 years old.
8:22: King mocking Cole on the air. Good stuff. These two have more tension in the booth than David and Maddie ever had on “Moonlighting”. OK, fair criticism, half my readers have never seen “Moonlighting”. OK, more modern reference … they have more tension in the booth than Beckett and Castle on “Castle”, the modern day “Moonlighting”, only nowhere near as awesome as the original.
8:25: Cole compares this Santino dude to Manny Pacquiao. Uuh …
8:26: Snuka’s kid pinned.
8:26: scary looking red-headed Irish dude in the ring. Shamus? Just please keep the shirt on.
8:26: a Jim Morrison look alike named John Morrison storms the ring! Calls Shamus a “bully”. Ooh. He’s “looking to fight in all the wrong places”. Better than “looking for love in all the wrong places”. Done that a time or two. Usually at the Eclipse.
8:27: the Shamus shirt is off. Its more pasty white than me in mid-February. Not a healthy sight.
And … commercial. I fear that McRib is still 90 minutes away …
The Rock has a new movie coming out? Even odds he’s appearing on my TV screen in the next 90 some odd minutes.
Good God, its 35-0 Philly one play into the 2nd quarter. Chiefs, you’re off the hook – denver didn’t hit 35-0 until 8 minutes through the 2nd quarter yesterday! How’s that McNabb extension tasting, Redskin fan? (shaq voice) how does my ass taste!
8:33: we’re back. No clue who Hail the Villain is. David Otunga wrestling … Kofi Kingston. Not a f*cking clue who either one of these guys are. Kingston promises to fly around like Koko B Ware and “make you wish it was yesterday”. That’s it, go Kingston!
8:36: Otunga dominating. We haven’t had a screw job yet, we’re overdue nearly 100 minutes in.
8:37: the double clothesline! And now, they’re stalling … excuse me, recovering …
8:38: The Animal! George Steele! He does NOT look all there.
8:38: what the hell is he doing? Oh my God, he’s gonna eat the turnbuckle!
8:39: ref steps in. Crowd (and Steve) boos. And … there he goes! Eating the turnbuckle! OK, ok, let’s send George back to the home guys. And Kingston slams Otunga into the (now vacant) turnbuckle. Kingston wins!
8:40: George “The Animal” Steele is a living legend … but I would question if he knows his own name at this point. Yikes.
8:40: The King: “not vintage?” Cole: “I used that already”. King: “Of course you did”. I’m telling you, these two either need to throw down or get a room, one or the other.
8:41: Arn Anderson!
And … commercial. Shamus just accepted a match against someone. That could be the McRib break I’m craving.
Its now 35-7, Redskins getting the ball back, 11:03 to go in the first half. (ll cool j voice) Don’t call it a comeback!
Oh no. It’s a McRib commercial. Really? You have to do this to me now? Why the hell doesn’t McDonalds deliver? Why? I want a McRib so freaking bad …
105 minutes down, 75 to go. You’re welcome.
8:45: more trivia!
8:45: YES! Hacksaw! Jim! Duggan!!! Not sure who the ditsy blonde is … but she just got kidnapped. Oh God, its Golddust. Excuse me while I puke. And … Yes! Ted DiBiase! THE Million! Dollar! Man!!! And now its DiBiase’s kid. Golddust: “help a brother out”. Oy. Wait, it’s a Chief Wahoo wanna be! Good God, we’ve hit rock bottom! And its Ron Simmons! Wearing the shirt that says it all. Damn!
8:47: Cole giving The King sh*t. The King having none of it.
8:48: still no Good Ol’ JR sighting. We HAVE to have a JR sighting.
And … commercial. Some black dude named R Truth? Against this Wade Barrett / William Regal wanna be. Oy. Could be the extended “bathroom break” I’ve been waiting for.
It’s now 35-14, and its pouring in Landover. The biggest comeback in NFL history is 32. This game is turning in a hurry, and it was 35 …
8:52: about an hour to go. This should have been a two hour show.
8:52: the old school “Promotional consideration paid for by the following” lead-in … by Lord Alfred Hayes! This just keeps getting better!
8:52: until R Truth appears on my TV screen. He’s rapping about something. I’d be lying if I said I cared.
8:53: he’s got the “right time to get crunk, right time to hit junk”. So … he’s DJ back in the day? (rimshot!) Come on, that was way too easy.
8:54: awesome over-the-top-of-the-rope summersalt to knock this Wade Barrett dude to the concrete below. This R Truth has the crowd behind him.
8:55: Cole bitching about the “mustard colored jacket” and the “steel chair” again. Let’s hope one of those is used on the other by a wrestler later tonight.
8:57: I’ve only met one person in my life before tonight whose name was “Wade”, the lovely KB’s brother. I liked that guy. This “Wade”, on the other hand … is a disgrace to the name.
8:58: nearly the reverse three count for R Truth!
8:58: another close call for R Truth!
8:59: Wade with a boot to R Truth’s face. Keepin the man down.
8:59: One. Two. Three. Wade wins. There’s two words you didn’t hear often in Dallas this fall.
We got an hour to go, and still have Piper’s Pit, plus some Cena throwdown to go. Commercial break upcoming.
9:05: another classic WWF intro.
9:06: the damned ambulance again!
9:06: Lawler ripping on Cole.
9:06: Spanish ring announcer! Dare we dream, the booth coming down is next?!?!
9:07: Tito Santana!
9:07: Chavo Classic! Good God, they’re hauling every “living under the bridge” wrestler out of retirement tonight!
9:07: no really, Tito Santana!
9:07: some guy named Alberto Del Rio. Uuh, if this is the future of the franchise, it might be time to move on. The King calling Cole on this ridiculousness of hyping this guy.
9:09: this guy has more grease on him than a Pep Boy.
9:10: just called us “fat Americans”. Uuh … he probably has a point there.
9:11: this guy is more full of himself than G or DJ on their best day. And I mean that as a compliment.
9:11: Sergeant Slaughter! Thank GOD he has the shirt on.
9:11: he’s rocking the leotard though.
9:12: Sgt. Slaughter challenges this “puke, slime, maggot” to a fight!
9:12: I have a feeling the Mexican is gonna win. They’re … they’re throwing down!
9:13: Cole: “I don’t know how wise this was”. Yup, my thoughts exactly.
9:14: if Sarge wins, this is the biggest screw job since Montreal in 97.
9:15: its over. Mexican wins. Del Rio pouring it on. Some black dude runs in to end it, named MVP. Good God, I’m embarrassed by that.
9:16: Cole and The King arguing over Sgt. Slaughter. King has his back. Cole tossing him under the bus.
Less than an hour to go. (tommy lee jones in “the fugitive” voice) Thank God. I need the rest …
9:20: an anti-weed ad. At the risk of sounding like someone that has been known to enjoy a joint now and then … its weed! Who gives a sh*t!
9:21: we’re live again. King: “Back in the day, Spam wasn’t in your email, it was a tasty lunch meat!” Uuh, we’ll go with that.
9:23: Mean Gene with … Mae Young! Oh my! 87 and counting! She is not all there. And for the love of God, why is an 87 year old in a leotard?
9:25: Jersey Shore wannabes interrupt. Come on Mae, throw down!
9:26: Mae challenges “these sluts!” to a match with “no DQ!” “You b*tches are going down!” Oh crap please keep the shirt on … its underway!
9:28: every chick on the roster is on Mae’s side. And … b*tch slap by Mae! Mae wins! I’m … I’m literally speechless. The King: “Better than Mae Young’s autographed copy of the Bible!”
9:29: I would call that the single most disturbing thing I’ve ever walked in on in my life … only, it’s not even close. Something about “Steve and Drew’s night at the Casino … ends early as both get destroyed at the tables … Steve opens the garage door … walks up the stairs … and the rug is getting broken in” tops that. Sometimes, I miss life as it used to be.
9:33: more trivia. Thankfully, only 30 minutes to go. I need my rest.
9:34: Special Guest Commentator! Good Ol JR! Yes! Jim Ross! Hell Yes! In the mustard yellow jacket! Cole is legitimately pissed off! A great embrace with JR and the King. Cole is pissed. JR blows him off. I love this. Come on, throw Cole through the table!
9::35: JR! JR! JR!
9:36: a meaningless match … but its JR on the call. Awesome.
9:37: Cole visibly pissed on air.
9:38: Cole pulling rank. JR ignoring him. Good God I love JR. I don’t even care if this is a joke at this point, I love this. JR and King putting Cole in his place.
9:39: King to Cole: “I’ve heard you and Swagerd, that’s the bland leading the bland” … and we go to commercial. To the WWE’s credit … I honestly have no idea if this was planned, or Cole hates JR this much. I pray it’s the latter. This is awesome television.
9:42: still at commercial. I’m guessing the Cole / JR / King verbal throwdown was not planned if we’re at 4 minutes and counting at commercial.
9:43: still at commercial. And … we’re back. Cole is literally passed out. So, its fake. Who cares, it’s the King and JR one more time! This is a must TiVo moment!
9:44: Swagert in front of the TV booth. Nope, not happening.
9:45: King rips Cole. Awesome. Absolutely awesome. To his credit, Cole is selling this like a pro.
9:46: are we gonna get a King / Cole match to close us out?
9:47: Cole being the ass that he is. Screw you Michael Cole. “If you could hear paint dry, that is what your commentary sounds like”.
9:47: King ready to throw down with Cole. Let’s hope this happens.
9:48: Cole trashing JR. Someone beat his ass senseless. King is in a controlled rage at this point. “Slobberknocker!” And … I think we’re about to throw down?
9:49: DiBiase Jr enters the ring!
9:50: King and JR ready to throw down with Cole. Awesome stuff.
9:51: JR decks Cole! King claps in appreciation! Huge “Boomer Sooner” plays! Awesome. Absolutely awesome.
9:52: we’re closing with Piper’s Pit. Back in two and two for the final segment. Hopefully. I am that freaking tired …
9:54: best RAW of the last two years, at least. Loved this three hour blog. Great television.
9:55: Legends galore! I can’t do this justice. Snuka, Orton, IRS, Tito Santana, Slaughter, Jim Duggan (HO!!!), the Brawler, Chavo Classic, Mean! Gene! Okerlund! Howard Finkel! Mae Young! Gerald Brisco! Ted DiBiasi! Slick! Tatanka! Tony Atlas! Arn Anderson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ron Simmons! Dusty Rhodes!!!!!!!!! George “The Animal” Steele! Good Ol JR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Iron Sheik! Nikolai Volkoff! What a list! What a grouping! (steve bowing in respect) …
And now … Rowdy Roddy Piper!!!
This … is the best three hours of television I’ve watched in a long, long time. At least since “Lost” signed off in May.
9:59: The crowd going nuts.
10:00: Rowdy paying respect to Captain Lou Albano. Awesome.
10:00: “I hit Jimmy Super Fly Snuka in the coconuts!” Awesome.
First up? Cena.
10:01: Piper likes Cena. Just not as much as he likes himself.
10:01: whoa, Piper never won the title? Wow. Somebody deserves to be fired over that.
10:03: Piper is fired up. Not sure why.
10:03: “Don’t you spit in my face, John Cena” That’s a legitimate request.
10:04: “Do the right thing” Welcome to the WWE, Spike Lee!
10:05: we’re running long tonight. Figures.
10:05: Cena selling this really well. It’s why he’s the best there is of “this” generation.
10:06: Cena to call the championship match “down the middle”. And … annoying Wade Barrett shows up again. Someone beat his ass.
10:07: Piper ready to throw down with Wade!
10:08: the t-shirt challenge.
10:08: the convenient excuse to get Cena to take his shirt off. That’ll definitely attract the female and gay male crowd, that dude is built.
10:09: this Wade guy is a deusche.
10:09: here comes Orton!
10:10: we’re way over the 10pm end time.
10:11: Orton destroying this Wade dude! So … its Orton / Cena on Sunday? I’d tune in for that … and Orton rocks Cena!
10:12: the F U?
10:12: the F U! On Orton!
10:13: Cena! Wade! Sunday night! I could actually be talked into this …
10:13: Cena! Wade! the F U?
10:13: the F U! I could definitely be talked into this PPV on Sunday …
7:00: I hear an ambulance! Yes, it’s a live Old School WWE event! And they’ve got the old school intro! The King is fired up! Michael Cole in the cheesy Vince McMahon outfit! Holy crap, this might be another four bottle night!
7:02: Mean! Gene! Okerlund!!! YES! Hell yes! Mean! Gene! Okerlund!!! Looking damned good for pushing 80. There was nothing sweeter as a kid than hearing Mean Gene urge me to “call my satellite or cable provider” to order the PPV.
7:03: Cowboy Bob Orton! With a broken left arm. KCK’s finest!
7:03: Cowboy Bob looks frighteningly like Chan Gailey. Scarily like Chan Gailey.
7:04: the patented Mean Gene “whoa!” as he looks frightened by the crowd reaction. Good God, I have missed this.
7:04: some dude named “The Nexus” comes out. Sorry, I haven’t watched RAW in nearly a year, since the last time they pulled a “bring back the wrestlers that people give a sh*t about” stunt. I guess he’s battling Randy Orton for the title on Sunday night.
7:06: this guy sounds like William Regal. Let’s hope we get a Bill Regal sighting tonight, by the way.
7:07: the Miz! Sweet Jesus, who would have EVER guessed he’d be the most famous alumnus of “The Real World”?
7:08: Mean Gene is right at home. Love that guy. I might have to call my satellite and/or cable provider Sunday night to order this “Survivor Series” if he implores me to.
7:09: John Cena on the video board. Whoa, Cena vs Miz tonight. Cena’s the only decent superstar they’ve got left, or at least the only one I’d pay to watch. And Miz accepts the match! Great.
7:09: Okerlund in mid-season form. Let’s see more of him going forward.
First commercial break. I’m not quite a bottle in at this point. Tonight’s bottle of choice? Little Penguin shiraz, and I have a couple Yellowtail merlot’s ready to tap. But again, I don’t have a drinking problem. Not even a small one. None whatsoever.
And I love this commercial with everyone playing the Call of Duty video game. Awesome.
7:13: we’re back! It’s Ed Guerrero’s widow! Managing Dolph Ziegler. I love the female managers. Not sure who Dolph is up against, but if you guessed Dolph Ziegler was a ripoff of Dolph Lundgren, congratulations, you’re a winner.
7:14: oh Christ, he’s battling Sexual Chocolate, Mark Henry. To think he’s tapped Mae Young.
7:15: Cole bitching about sitting on a steel chair. You’ve gotta figure that chair is going to knock someone through the Spanish announcing table tonight.
7:17: Cole compares Dolph to Ravishing Rick Rude. Uuh, not seeing it. Rick Rude was the man. This Dolph guy is a tool. And The King just compares Mark Henry to Bruno San Martino. I want whatever the King is smoking.
7:18: Cole brings up the Mae Young angle! Let’s just pretend that never, never, never, never happened.
7:20: Cole: Vicki Guerrero is “too old” for the King to date. So true. So very, very true.
7:20: King: there’s “just a grease spot left on the canvas” after Henry misses “The Pancake”.
7:20: Cole: the refs look like “Chippendales Dancers”. Actually … they do.
7:21: This match has been brutally unwatchable save for the commentary. Say what you want about the old XFL, the commentary was always great.
7:21: Dolph wins with the sleeper! Dolph doesn’t look all there. Let’s hope that is the last time we have to see Dolph tonight.
7:22: King: “If I had to go home with Vicki Guerrero right now, I’d want someone to put the sleeper on me!” I freaking love the King.
7:23: Tony Atlas! Sounds like he has marbles in his mouth. And he’s holding a WD40 bottle. Uuh, the kids use KY nowadays, Tony. Works much better.
Commercial number two. Bathroom break time. Might be the last one I get until the Undertaker takes center stage (rimshot!)
7:26: we’re back. Tony Atlas still using the WD40. Good God, if it takes you three minutes to lube up, you don’t know what you’re doing.
7:26: tag team match. The champs, two dudes I have never seen before, against … The Hart Dynasty?!?! It’s the Hart kids! Gotta cheer for them.
7:26: come on, no Canadian looks that good with his shirt off.
7:26: The King letting his disgust of Michael Cole shine through. Seriously, its Old School night! Where the hell is Good Ol’ JR?
7:27: one of these Hart kids is Owen’s kid. Uuh, I witnessed that guy die. Bad memories. Or as I remember it:
(gregg) whoa! (points to ceiling)
(steve) whoa! (notes dude falling 75 feet from ceiling to mat)
(gregg) this isn’t gonna end well …
7:29: whoa! The Hart kids turn on each other! Never saw this coming! One, two, three, the no-names with a huge N on their crotch win! Love it!
7:31: more Mean Gene! With … Randy Orton! Some folks can pull off the heavily tatted look, and some can’t. Randy definitely can. (I definitely could not).
7:32: some black guy I don’t know interrupts the interview. And Mean Gene is in classic interview mode. I am thoroughly enjoying this. Orton threatens to “crush Cena’s head”. Gotta love the double entendre’s the WWE offers up.
Another commercial. As Chuck Woolery would say, “back in two and two”.
Gus Johnson Wild Wings ad. If you haven’t seen his call of the Jags Hail Mary yesterday, you have to go to nfl.com and see it. He literally starts clapping and screaming like a seal on the air. I freaking loved it. Screw you MSG, for firing Gus. The Knicks deserve a ninth straight season of meaninglessness for that stupid decision.
7:37pm: we’re back. More Mean Gene! Hyping merchandise. I have said it before and I will say it again: I f*cking LOVE Mean Gene Okerlund! That man could sell Obamacare to the religious right, he’s that rock solid.
7:38: Okerlund: “hey, are they selling my blazers yet? These things are a peach!”
7:38: Howard Finkel!!! Suh-weet!!! In the tuxedo to boot!!! And he’s introducing … accompanied by Harvey Wimpleman … THE Brooklyn Brawler! Holy God! Holy f*cking God! Harvey was once the women’s champion, I do remember that Michael Cole. This is beyond awesome. The King is making rooster sounds. I almost spit out the shiraz, I’m laughing so hard.
7:39: he’s fighting, the Brawler is. He’s challenging “anyone from the new school to a match right now”. Who’ll take the challenge? It’s … Ezekiel Jackson! Who? The ref is in a classic Charles Robinson hairdo. I’m telling you, if you grew up watching the WWE in its glory days, this is beyond awesome.
7:42: Cole: “Brawler is in a match on Monday Night Raw. Words I never thought I would say”.
7:42: the Robinson wig is hysterical. Brawler quickly pinned. Cole: “The mighty Brawler has struck out”.
7:43: this Zeke guy looks like Christian Okoye. That was meant as a compliment – Okoye is the most built upper body I’ve ever seen. That dude … to quote my buddy Bunch, “that dude is stacked!”
And we’re at commercial. WrestleMania is April 3, 2011, live from Atlanta’s Georgia Dome. It’s number 27. Good God, there have been 27 of these things? And I haven’t seen one in at least two years. What’s wrong with me? Then again, I have been arrested in the comforts of my own home while watching WrestleMania before, so it’s probably best for all involved that I not watch it live.
7:47: we’re back. Vote for your WWE diva tomorrow. Remember the good old days when you had gratuitous, no reason for it, female frontal nudity on pay per views? Yeah. Being 21 and horny had its advantages back in the day.
7:48: these N guys are all over my screen. I have no idea who these folks are. I need to tune in more often.
7:48: Cole in the classic WWF blazer. Awesome. Still looking like Vince too. They’re really pushing this Wade Barrett dude.
7:49: who is the GM of RAW nowadays? I stopped keeping track when Eric Bischoff was kicked to the curb.
7:50: gratuitous John Cena sighting. Cena’s the best thing they have going for them at this point. Other than “Old School” of course.
And, another commercial. Now I’m remembering how me and G used to knock out RAW in 29 minutes or less back in the day. TiVo!
Wow, a storyline with Paul Bearer, Kane, and Edge is just not making me want to buy this PPV. Sorry fellas, the Paul Bearer / Kane angle sailed 15 years ago.
7:55: trivia!
7:55: we have a John Cena sighting! As he heads to the ring! You gotta love Cena. The guy freaking rules.
7:55: Cena working the Charles Robinson wig. Awesome.
7:56: the Miz! Holy crap, the WWE is blowing the load not even an hour in? How awesome are the last two hours going to be if Cena / Miz is being disposed this early on? (I don’t know, but I’m giddy to find out!)
7:57: ok, maybe not. Miz on the mic at the top of the ramp.
7:57: Miz going to the bullpen. Relieving him is Alex Riley. Who?
7:57: Miz is obsessed with getting facialized.
8:00: Cena’s match underway. I’m giving this 3 minutes max. The Charles Robinson wanna-be is reffing.
8:01: more “Cole / King tension played off for fun, but anyone can see they really hate each other’s guts” fun.
8:01: classic ref distraction / side guy knocks out other opponent move.
8:02: I cannot believe a MTV “Real World” alumnus is less than six days away from possibly being the next WWE World Champion. On the other hand, David Arquette once held the WCW World Championship …
8:03: the F U?
8:03: the F U!
8:03: wait, they changed the name to the Attitude Adjustment? What the f*ck?!?!
8:03: Cena wins!
8:03: Orton! Miz! Throwing down in the ring! Wait, where did Randy Orton come from?
8:04: Cena! Orton! You know its on when you rip the t-shirt off!
8:05: the classic “5 refs somehow appear to stop this thing” gag. And … we’ve got an instant message from the GM of RAW! Cole: Cena, Orton, you’ll be guests on Piper’s Pit! Holy sh*t, we’re getting a Rowdy Roddy Piper sighting tonight! Suh-weet!
Commercial break. I need to catch my breath.
Its 21-0 Philly not even 10 minutes in. Nice to see the Redskins decided to pull a Chiefs and not even bother to show up tonight (rimshot!)
I could really go for a McRib right now. If we get a dud match, there might be a lull in these blogging proceedings as I make a beeline for the McDonalds a couple blocks away.
8:09: classic WWF intro. Awesome.
8:10: I hear an ambulance again. And more Howard Finkel! And … The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff! Holy f*cking God!!! And the traditional “respect their National Anthem as Nikolai sings” tradition. King: “Nikolai’s held up about as well as Keith Richards”.
8:11: can it be? No. Its two no-names. I was praying for Hacksaw Jim Duggan there. Interrupted for some other Russian dude to join Nicolai. The USA chants are flying. Come on Jim. Come on …
8:12: the Iron Sheik looks blitzed. In his defense, I would be too.
8:13: Slick! YES! Holy crap! Iron Sheik is pissed that his anthem hasn’t been played. Slick is pimpin it big time!
8:14: Sheik tells USA chanters to “shut up”. Where is Hacksaw Jim? This nation needs a hero …
8:15: its two black guys in a tag team championship … it’s Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka’s kids! Holy God! I was ready to bolt for Mickey D’s, but I ain’t walking out on Superfly’s kids! Live next, on Monday Night RAW!
Commercial break. My dad just checked in. “You watching RAW tonight?” Well, 99 times out of 100 on a Monday night at 8:19pm CT, I’d be on “Two and a Half Men” … but yes, yes I am watching.
8:20: an old school return, as the match has already started! Love joining the match midway through, just like the old school NBC Saturday Night Wrestling. Uuh, not that my dad ever let me stay up to watch that when I was like 7 years old.
8:22: King mocking Cole on the air. Good stuff. These two have more tension in the booth than David and Maddie ever had on “Moonlighting”. OK, fair criticism, half my readers have never seen “Moonlighting”. OK, more modern reference … they have more tension in the booth than Beckett and Castle on “Castle”, the modern day “Moonlighting”, only nowhere near as awesome as the original.
8:25: Cole compares this Santino dude to Manny Pacquiao. Uuh …
8:26: Snuka’s kid pinned.
8:26: scary looking red-headed Irish dude in the ring. Shamus? Just please keep the shirt on.
8:26: a Jim Morrison look alike named John Morrison storms the ring! Calls Shamus a “bully”. Ooh. He’s “looking to fight in all the wrong places”. Better than “looking for love in all the wrong places”. Done that a time or two. Usually at the Eclipse.
8:27: the Shamus shirt is off. Its more pasty white than me in mid-February. Not a healthy sight.
And … commercial. I fear that McRib is still 90 minutes away …
The Rock has a new movie coming out? Even odds he’s appearing on my TV screen in the next 90 some odd minutes.
Good God, its 35-0 Philly one play into the 2nd quarter. Chiefs, you’re off the hook – denver didn’t hit 35-0 until 8 minutes through the 2nd quarter yesterday! How’s that McNabb extension tasting, Redskin fan? (shaq voice) how does my ass taste!
8:33: we’re back. No clue who Hail the Villain is. David Otunga wrestling … Kofi Kingston. Not a f*cking clue who either one of these guys are. Kingston promises to fly around like Koko B Ware and “make you wish it was yesterday”. That’s it, go Kingston!
8:36: Otunga dominating. We haven’t had a screw job yet, we’re overdue nearly 100 minutes in.
8:37: the double clothesline! And now, they’re stalling … excuse me, recovering …
8:38: The Animal! George Steele! He does NOT look all there.
8:38: what the hell is he doing? Oh my God, he’s gonna eat the turnbuckle!
8:39: ref steps in. Crowd (and Steve) boos. And … there he goes! Eating the turnbuckle! OK, ok, let’s send George back to the home guys. And Kingston slams Otunga into the (now vacant) turnbuckle. Kingston wins!
8:40: George “The Animal” Steele is a living legend … but I would question if he knows his own name at this point. Yikes.
8:40: The King: “not vintage?” Cole: “I used that already”. King: “Of course you did”. I’m telling you, these two either need to throw down or get a room, one or the other.
8:41: Arn Anderson!
And … commercial. Shamus just accepted a match against someone. That could be the McRib break I’m craving.
Its now 35-7, Redskins getting the ball back, 11:03 to go in the first half. (ll cool j voice) Don’t call it a comeback!
Oh no. It’s a McRib commercial. Really? You have to do this to me now? Why the hell doesn’t McDonalds deliver? Why? I want a McRib so freaking bad …
105 minutes down, 75 to go. You’re welcome.
8:45: more trivia!
8:45: YES! Hacksaw! Jim! Duggan!!! Not sure who the ditsy blonde is … but she just got kidnapped. Oh God, its Golddust. Excuse me while I puke. And … Yes! Ted DiBiase! THE Million! Dollar! Man!!! And now its DiBiase’s kid. Golddust: “help a brother out”. Oy. Wait, it’s a Chief Wahoo wanna be! Good God, we’ve hit rock bottom! And its Ron Simmons! Wearing the shirt that says it all. Damn!
8:47: Cole giving The King sh*t. The King having none of it.
8:48: still no Good Ol’ JR sighting. We HAVE to have a JR sighting.
And … commercial. Some black dude named R Truth? Against this Wade Barrett / William Regal wanna be. Oy. Could be the extended “bathroom break” I’ve been waiting for.
It’s now 35-14, and its pouring in Landover. The biggest comeback in NFL history is 32. This game is turning in a hurry, and it was 35 …
8:52: about an hour to go. This should have been a two hour show.
8:52: the old school “Promotional consideration paid for by the following” lead-in … by Lord Alfred Hayes! This just keeps getting better!
8:52: until R Truth appears on my TV screen. He’s rapping about something. I’d be lying if I said I cared.
8:53: he’s got the “right time to get crunk, right time to hit junk”. So … he’s DJ back in the day? (rimshot!) Come on, that was way too easy.
8:54: awesome over-the-top-of-the-rope summersalt to knock this Wade Barrett dude to the concrete below. This R Truth has the crowd behind him.
8:55: Cole bitching about the “mustard colored jacket” and the “steel chair” again. Let’s hope one of those is used on the other by a wrestler later tonight.
8:57: I’ve only met one person in my life before tonight whose name was “Wade”, the lovely KB’s brother. I liked that guy. This “Wade”, on the other hand … is a disgrace to the name.
8:58: nearly the reverse three count for R Truth!
8:58: another close call for R Truth!
8:59: Wade with a boot to R Truth’s face. Keepin the man down.
8:59: One. Two. Three. Wade wins. There’s two words you didn’t hear often in Dallas this fall.
We got an hour to go, and still have Piper’s Pit, plus some Cena throwdown to go. Commercial break upcoming.
9:05: another classic WWF intro.
9:06: the damned ambulance again!
9:06: Lawler ripping on Cole.
9:06: Spanish ring announcer! Dare we dream, the booth coming down is next?!?!
9:07: Tito Santana!
9:07: Chavo Classic! Good God, they’re hauling every “living under the bridge” wrestler out of retirement tonight!
9:07: no really, Tito Santana!
9:07: some guy named Alberto Del Rio. Uuh, if this is the future of the franchise, it might be time to move on. The King calling Cole on this ridiculousness of hyping this guy.
9:09: this guy has more grease on him than a Pep Boy.
9:10: just called us “fat Americans”. Uuh … he probably has a point there.
9:11: this guy is more full of himself than G or DJ on their best day. And I mean that as a compliment.
9:11: Sergeant Slaughter! Thank GOD he has the shirt on.
9:11: he’s rocking the leotard though.
9:12: Sgt. Slaughter challenges this “puke, slime, maggot” to a fight!
9:12: I have a feeling the Mexican is gonna win. They’re … they’re throwing down!
9:13: Cole: “I don’t know how wise this was”. Yup, my thoughts exactly.
9:14: if Sarge wins, this is the biggest screw job since Montreal in 97.
9:15: its over. Mexican wins. Del Rio pouring it on. Some black dude runs in to end it, named MVP. Good God, I’m embarrassed by that.
9:16: Cole and The King arguing over Sgt. Slaughter. King has his back. Cole tossing him under the bus.
Less than an hour to go. (tommy lee jones in “the fugitive” voice) Thank God. I need the rest …
9:20: an anti-weed ad. At the risk of sounding like someone that has been known to enjoy a joint now and then … its weed! Who gives a sh*t!
9:21: we’re live again. King: “Back in the day, Spam wasn’t in your email, it was a tasty lunch meat!” Uuh, we’ll go with that.
9:23: Mean Gene with … Mae Young! Oh my! 87 and counting! She is not all there. And for the love of God, why is an 87 year old in a leotard?
9:25: Jersey Shore wannabes interrupt. Come on Mae, throw down!
9:26: Mae challenges “these sluts!” to a match with “no DQ!” “You b*tches are going down!” Oh crap please keep the shirt on … its underway!
9:28: every chick on the roster is on Mae’s side. And … b*tch slap by Mae! Mae wins! I’m … I’m literally speechless. The King: “Better than Mae Young’s autographed copy of the Bible!”
9:29: I would call that the single most disturbing thing I’ve ever walked in on in my life … only, it’s not even close. Something about “Steve and Drew’s night at the Casino … ends early as both get destroyed at the tables … Steve opens the garage door … walks up the stairs … and the rug is getting broken in” tops that. Sometimes, I miss life as it used to be.
9:33: more trivia. Thankfully, only 30 minutes to go. I need my rest.
9:34: Special Guest Commentator! Good Ol JR! Yes! Jim Ross! Hell Yes! In the mustard yellow jacket! Cole is legitimately pissed off! A great embrace with JR and the King. Cole is pissed. JR blows him off. I love this. Come on, throw Cole through the table!
9::35: JR! JR! JR!
9:36: a meaningless match … but its JR on the call. Awesome.
9:37: Cole visibly pissed on air.
9:38: Cole pulling rank. JR ignoring him. Good God I love JR. I don’t even care if this is a joke at this point, I love this. JR and King putting Cole in his place.
9:39: King to Cole: “I’ve heard you and Swagerd, that’s the bland leading the bland” … and we go to commercial. To the WWE’s credit … I honestly have no idea if this was planned, or Cole hates JR this much. I pray it’s the latter. This is awesome television.
9:42: still at commercial. I’m guessing the Cole / JR / King verbal throwdown was not planned if we’re at 4 minutes and counting at commercial.
9:43: still at commercial. And … we’re back. Cole is literally passed out. So, its fake. Who cares, it’s the King and JR one more time! This is a must TiVo moment!
9:44: Swagert in front of the TV booth. Nope, not happening.
9:45: King rips Cole. Awesome. Absolutely awesome. To his credit, Cole is selling this like a pro.
9:46: are we gonna get a King / Cole match to close us out?
9:47: Cole being the ass that he is. Screw you Michael Cole. “If you could hear paint dry, that is what your commentary sounds like”.
9:47: King ready to throw down with Cole. Let’s hope this happens.
9:48: Cole trashing JR. Someone beat his ass senseless. King is in a controlled rage at this point. “Slobberknocker!” And … I think we’re about to throw down?
9:49: DiBiase Jr enters the ring!
9:50: King and JR ready to throw down with Cole. Awesome stuff.
9:51: JR decks Cole! King claps in appreciation! Huge “Boomer Sooner” plays! Awesome. Absolutely awesome.
9:52: we’re closing with Piper’s Pit. Back in two and two for the final segment. Hopefully. I am that freaking tired …
9:54: best RAW of the last two years, at least. Loved this three hour blog. Great television.
9:55: Legends galore! I can’t do this justice. Snuka, Orton, IRS, Tito Santana, Slaughter, Jim Duggan (HO!!!), the Brawler, Chavo Classic, Mean! Gene! Okerlund! Howard Finkel! Mae Young! Gerald Brisco! Ted DiBiasi! Slick! Tatanka! Tony Atlas! Arn Anderson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ron Simmons! Dusty Rhodes!!!!!!!!! George “The Animal” Steele! Good Ol JR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Iron Sheik! Nikolai Volkoff! What a list! What a grouping! (steve bowing in respect) …
And now … Rowdy Roddy Piper!!!
This … is the best three hours of television I’ve watched in a long, long time. At least since “Lost” signed off in May.
9:59: The crowd going nuts.
10:00: Rowdy paying respect to Captain Lou Albano. Awesome.
10:00: “I hit Jimmy Super Fly Snuka in the coconuts!” Awesome.
First up? Cena.
10:01: Piper likes Cena. Just not as much as he likes himself.
10:01: whoa, Piper never won the title? Wow. Somebody deserves to be fired over that.
10:03: Piper is fired up. Not sure why.
10:03: “Don’t you spit in my face, John Cena” That’s a legitimate request.
10:04: “Do the right thing” Welcome to the WWE, Spike Lee!
10:05: we’re running long tonight. Figures.
10:05: Cena selling this really well. It’s why he’s the best there is of “this” generation.
10:06: Cena to call the championship match “down the middle”. And … annoying Wade Barrett shows up again. Someone beat his ass.
10:07: Piper ready to throw down with Wade!
10:08: the t-shirt challenge.
10:08: the convenient excuse to get Cena to take his shirt off. That’ll definitely attract the female and gay male crowd, that dude is built.
10:09: this Wade guy is a deusche.
10:09: here comes Orton!
10:10: we’re way over the 10pm end time.
10:11: Orton destroying this Wade dude! So … its Orton / Cena on Sunday? I’d tune in for that … and Orton rocks Cena!
10:12: the F U?
10:12: the F U! On Orton!
10:13: Cena! Wade! Sunday night! I could actually be talked into this …
10:13: Cena! Wade! the F U?
10:13: the F U! I could definitely be talked into this PPV on Sunday …
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