the week nine predictions

"We've been on the run,
Driving in the sun,
Looking out for number one.

California here we come,
Right back where we started from.

You hustlers grab your guns,
Your shadows weigh a ton,
Driving down the 101.

California here we come,
Right back where we started from.

California! Here we come!"

-- "California" by Phantom Planet. oakland, here we come, here we freaking come ...

Last Week SU: 7-6-0.
Season to Date SU: 64-53-0.

Last Week ATS: 9-4-0.
Season to Date ATS: 60-52-5.

Last Week Upset / Week: an impressive cover that (apparently) only I saw coming.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 2-7 SU, 4-5 ATS.
This Week's Upset / Week: (steve with a "really? you have to ask? no, seriously. you really have to ask?!?!" look on his face voice) take a mother f*cking guess.

The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets Predictions:
* at Falcons (-8) 31, Bucs 10.
* Bills (+2 1/2) 24, Bears 20 (in Toronto).
* Patriots (-5) 28, at Browns 13.
* Saints (-7) 31, at Panthers 20.
* at Ravens (-4 1/2) 24, Dolphins 21.
* at Texans (+3) 38, Chargers 35.
* at Vikings (-8 1/2) 9, Cardinals 0.
* Giants (-6 1/2) 30, at Seahawks 14.
* at Eagles (-2) 29, Colts 24.
* at Packers (-8) 45, Cowboys 17.
* Steelers 13, at Bengals (+4 1/2) 10.

The (fireman ed voice) J! E! T! S! Jets Jets Jets! Prognostication:

Legitimate Super Bowl contenders do not lose to the Detroit Lions. The Jets are a legitimate Super Bowl contender. End of story. Although the funniest line of the week on any broadcast was Daryl "Moose" Johnston last Sunday, noting "hey, that guy dressed up as a fireman with a Jets hat for the game today!" when the camera panned to Fireman Ed. I love Moose.

Jets (-4) 31, at Lions 20.

The Chiefs (cue sleazy saturday morning gambling advice show voice) Five Star, "If I Miss This, You Get the Rest of the Year for Free!" Guaranteed Lock of the Century Best Guess:

(Side note: if you can't get fired up to play the oakland raiders, then you really aren't a Chiefs fan. It's the best rivalry in the NFL. Oh I know -- I hate denver far more than I hate oakland. However "ridiculous" I might be watching this game on Sunday, multiply it by at least ten for next week's showdown at fake mile high. But in terms of rivalry, in terms of bringing out the worst in each other, nobody does it better than KC and oakland. On to the pointless commentary and the pick ...)

In a reveal that will probably surprise absolutely noone, I listen to a lot of talk radio. I'm a political junkie; I can't help it. (Even if my side's agenda was just boat-raced by the voting public on Tuesday). Most of the talk radio I listen to is political. Love Ed Schultz, like Rush Limbaugh, can't imagine an evening without at least a helping of MSNBC, and if I ever need a reason to get mean, angry, fired up, and ready to take on the world, a quick 20 seconds of Sean Hannity usually gets the job done.

But sports talk? Not so much. Never been a huge sports talk guy, actually. Mainly because I'm smarter and more knowledgable about sports than 99.99% of the "paid experts". Especially the "wholesome family man" who hosts a show on 810 WHB from 2 to 6 every weekday afternoon. But there is one sports talk show I listen to every day. "Into the Night", hosted by the great Tony Bruno.

I've never made a secret of how much I love Tony Bruno. I've been listening to the guy since high school. He's hands down the funniest, wittiest, most smart-assiest host on the air today. And if you're funny, witty, and a total smart-ass, you're definitely my kind of person. The first thing I pull up to listen to at work every day is the replay of his show from the night before. (Amazingly, it's not blocked at work ... yet anyways. Damn, bet I just jinxed it). It's as fun of a 2 plus hours as you can spend, between the ridiculous "We have an update?!?!" segments, "Trucker Tuesdays", Jose calling in completely stoned on "Whaddup Wednesdays", Tony himself being sloshed an hour in on "Red Wine Fridays", and of course, "Mr. Monday Night" and the "Stone Cold Lead Pipe Locks" predictions segments each week.

(Side note: the "Stone Cold Lead Pipe Locks" used to be the best 30 minutes of radio each week ... because it used to be the "Porn Star Pigskin Prognostications". I used to just bust out laughing listening along every Friday at how somehow they'd top the previous week's picks for witty sexually-charged dialogue. I don't know why I mention this, other than I hate how PC most radio has gotten. Bring back the porn stars dammit!!! For some of us, they're all we got ...)

(jose voice) Other than that. This week ... I haven't been able to tune in for more than a couple seconds each day. As much as I love Tony, he's got one huge strike against him -- he is the host of the raiders pre and post game radio shows. The raiders fans have come out of hiding all week on his program. raider nation is feeling it. They honestly think they've returned to relevance. They honestly feel they've turned the corner, that this Sunday is their coming out party.

And as Chiefs fans, hell even the donkeys fan getting this knows ... there is NOTHING more irritating on this planet, than cocky raiders fans. Slow drivers in the left lane, the traditional Friday Steve picks email – none of those are as annoying as raiders fans thinking their sh*t don't stink.

Well guys, congratulations. After seven years of utter incompetence, you beat up the first truly god-awful-bad donkeys team of my lifetime, and blew out a crappy Seahawks team playing a third string quarterback. Color me thoroughly unimpressed. Your sh*t still stinks guys. It f*cking reeks. And the whole nation is going to smell it come Sunday afternoon.

Because just as we ended your brief run as a respectable franchise seven years ago, with a franchise-crushing, multiple careers-ending 17-10 victory in the Black Hole ... we're going to crush your hopes and dreams for 2010 on Sunday.

I fully expect the Chiefs to run the ball 35 plus times on Sunday. I fully expect to average at least 5 yards a carry. (This isn't a crack-pipe goal -- the raiders give up 4.88 yards/carry. As Scooby Doo would note, "zoinks!").

And I fully expect to defeat the oakland raiders, grab a strangle-hold on the division, and begin to finally convert the last remaining skeptics in the Chiefs Kingdom.

Unlike last week, I have no bad feelings about this game. I have no doubts. None. We are winning this game comfortably. Exhale, relax. I am 100 percent sure the Chiefs are winning this game, and it will not be even remotely competitive from the midpoint of the 3rd quarter on. It's ok, say it out loud. We. Are. Winning. This. Game!

(In case you think I'm full of it -- I am 6-1 against the spread on Chiefs games this year. The only whiff, was because we didn't kick the field goal in Indy. Otherwise, I'd be 7-0 predicting this team's games in the category that matters. You know, if gambling were legal. My point being, I know these guys. I have a feel for them. We are winning this game comfortably. Believe it).

Forget last week. For starters, and it's the main reason why I picked the Bills to win outright, that was a classic trap game. Coming off the emotional high of blowing out the Jaguars, looking ahead to two straight games against our hated divisional rivals. It should have been obvious that there was going to be a letdown.

But here's the difference between this team, and so many other talented Chiefs teams of the past -- and to be honest, it shocked even me. These guys didn't lose the letdown game. Every other Chiefs team worth a damn in my life, did lose it. The 2010 Chiefs didn't.

The 2006 Chiefs did, in Cleveland. It damned near wrecked the season. The 2005 Chiefs did, losing in Buffalo. It did wreck the season. The 2003 Chiefs did, falling in Cincinnati. The 2002 Chiefs did, losing in Seattle. The 1999 Chiefs whizzed away the division by losing winnable roadies at San Diego and Tampa. The 1997 Chiefs got boat-raced in Jacksonville. The 1995 Chiefs lost to a 4-12 Browns team halfway out the door to Baltimore. The 1994 Chiefs were shut out at home by a 3-13 Rams squad that was halfway out the door to St. Louis. The 1993 Chiefs got pole-axed in Minnesota to cost them a first round bye. The 1992 Chiefs got demolished by the Steelers at Arrowhead to cost us the division. I can keep going, but I think you get the point.

The 2010 Chiefs didn't fall into the trap their predecessors did. They found a way to win. They found a way to play atrocious, dog crap football for 75 minutes, to play to the lowest common denominator ... and still win.

That's what championship caliber teams do.

I said after the game, that the Bills game was a godsend. We needed a wake up call, a reminder that nothing is easy in this league.

No, this is not the most talented team in football. It's far from it. But as Bill Parcells is so fond of noting, "you are what you are". And what we are, is a 5-2 team with (essentially) a 2 game lead right now in the division, with an opportunity to stretch it to three in the loss column on Sunday.

I firmly believe that Sunday is going to be the day we look back on come January, and note "well, I thought these guys were gonna be decent after beating the Chargers. And they played well against the Colts, I started to buy in then. But winning in the Black Hole, with all the hype and importance the raiders put on that game -- that's when I knew, this season was going to be something really special".

Something really special. That's what 2010 is shaping up to be.

And the shaping of this special season, the march to a division championship, the march to the first playoff win in 17 years, and the march to the ultimate dream, a home game on January 23rd, 2011, all that continues on Sunday afternoon. Chiefs (+2 1/2) 37, at raiders 14, in front of a rare near-sellout at the Black Hole. Sorry raider fans. You're going to leave bitter, battered, and broken. And still every bit the drunk, criminal, thuggish, crack addicted degenerate pieces of horsesh*t you always will be. So at least you'll have that going for you ...